Sheepish Duck #6: The Dark Issue

3

C o n t e n t s

Fan Mail 5

A Good Advice Column by Hannah Hicks-Santos 6-13

A Fart Cloud Cartoon by Jack Killilea 14

An Owl Story by Jack Killilea 15

Evan‟s Houses by Evan Stabach 16

A Test by Kendall Jones & Amelia Pappas-Horii 17-18

A Dark Story by Jackson Obel-Omia 19

A Vegetable Poem by Evan Shoaf 20

A Poetic Lament by Hannah hicks-Santos 21

A Short Story by Dylan Ingham 22

Automatic Writing by Kendall Jones 23

A News Update by The Media 24

A Good Question by Kendall Jones 25

A Measured Synopsis by Finlay Earsman 26

An Anonymous Apology 27

A 3-Panel Comic by Finlay Earsman 28

An Anonymous Acrostic 29

Poems Using Someone Else‟s 7 Words by Dylan Ingham, Bri Johnson, and Evan Stabach

30-33

New Poems by Hannah Hicks-Santos & Kendall Jones 34-35

Greeting Cards by a Random Hobo by Eli Kelley 36

A Poem by Jack Killilea 37

An Invitation by Jack Killilea 38

A Poll by Emma Germano 39

A Gossip Column by Emma Germano 40

A Story by Dylan Ingham 41-42

A List by Hannah Hicks-Santos 43

A Visual Aid by Hannah Hicks-Santos 44

A New Drawing by Hannah Hicks-Santos 45

A Glimpse by Emma Germano 46

An Attempted Essay by Emma Germano 47

A Column on Gods by Jack Killiklea 48

A Drawing by Hannah Hicks-Santos 49

A Taco Comic by Jack Killilea 50-51

4

A 1-Paragraph Essay by Amelia Pappas-Horii 52

A Philosophical Inquiry by Amelia Pappas-Horii 53

A Helpful Column by Finlay Earsman 54

A Comic by Finlay Earsman 55

An Acrostic by Jackson Obel-Omia 56

Special Intriguing Diary Section by Jack Killilea, Hannah Hicks-Santos, Liza Obel-Omia, Kendall Jones, & Evan Stabach

57-68

A Possibility by Jack Killilea 69

A Weather Report by Evan Stabach 70

A Limited Time Offer by Evan Stabach 71

A Poem by Hannah Hicks-Santos 72

A Suggestion by Evan Stabach 73

A Dark Thought by Kendall Jones 74

From the Mind Of…Kendall Jones 75-77

Important Questions Answered by Kendall Jones 78

A Test by Kendall Jones 79

Light | Dark by Jack Killilea 80-81

A Cartoon by Dylan Ingham 82

Special Advertising Section by Emma Germano, Dylan Ingham, and Kendall Jones

83-86

A Loose Criminal by Evan Stabach 87

New Comics & A Drawing by Jack Killilea, Hannah Hicks-Santos, Evan Stabach, & Finlay Earsman

88-91

A Serious Series by Hannah Hicks-Santos 92-94

A Monthly Dating Advice Column by Dylan Ingham 95

A Little Quiz by Hannah Hicks-Santos 96

Excerpts from an Epistolary Novel by Liza Obel-Omia, with help from Emma Germano

97-104

Contributors 106

5

D E A R S H E E P I S H D U C K 281 COUNTY ROAD BARRINGTON, RI 02806

Write to us!

. ..

6

Dear Ms. Random Person A GOOD ADVICE COLUMN

by Hannah Hicks-Santos

Hi!

I am Ms. Random Person. I

can tell you everything you

need to know about life! Please

send me questions A.S.A.P.!! I

AM DESPERATE!

Ms. Random Person

Hey Everyone!

It’s me! Ms. Random Person again! Don’t

forget, I MIGHT HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO. Toodles!

-Ms. Random Person Hel-LO Peep-le!

Ms. Random Person again! Just so you

know, I will only answer your questions if you

enclose bacon in the envelope!

-Ms. Random Person

Dear Ms. Random Person, Help! My life is awful. I

need help! If you didn’t hear

me, I need help!! First, I have

a pretty sister and cute

brother. THIS IS AWFUL! I’m sure

you’ll hear from me more.

-ME

7

Dear ME,

I have something that

can help you. First, steal

your sister’s makeup and put

it on. WITHOUT A MIRROR!

Next, take your sister’s clothes and

carve your name into them with scissors.

And about your brother: LOCK HIM IN A

TANNING BOOTH!

-Ms. Random Person

Dear Ms. Random Person,

My sister doesn’t

wear makeup.

-ME

Dear ME,

Sorry. REPLACE HER

SHAMPOO WITH UGLY, GREEN

HAIR DYE!

-Ms. Random Person


Works for me. THANKS.

-ME

8


HELP MY MOM’S A JERK.

-ME

Dear ME,

RUN AWAY!

-Ms. Random Person


NO.

-ME(I’M MAD!!)

Dear ME,

Sorry. How about you

try giving her a poisonous

snake?

-Ms. Random Person


OK. Now my lazy dad. HELP.

-ME (Great advice!)

9

Dear ME,

Have a goose chase him

around the house. That got my

grandma off her butt and she’s

94!

-Ms. Random Person


Always great advice. How

about my drooly dog.

ME

Dear ME,

Give him to one of

your friends. How about me?

-Ms. Random Person


I’ll consider it, but

my parents will find out

and I’ll get in trouble.

-ME

10

Dear ME,

Is your name really

ME?

-Ms. Random Person

Ms. Random Person,

Why should you know?

And answer my question.

NOW.

-ME

P.S. I didn’t even write

DEAR I’m so mad.

You just did.

Dear ME,

Sorry. Anyway, say

he ran away. Or died.

-Ms. Random Person


OK. Now my fish.

They have nothing wrong

with them.

-ME

11

Dear ME,

Put bleach in their

fish tank. They will

(hopefully) die.

-Ms. Random Person P.S. I’m getting tons of bacon from you!

Thank you!


I DON’T WANT TO

KILL MY FISH!

-ME

Dear ME,

Sorry. But if there is

nothing wrong with them,

why are you complaining?

Ms. Random Person


Because everyone in

my house has something

wrong with them.

-ME P.S. Great advice!

12

Dear ME,

I am not going to help

you anymore. You don’t make

sense anymore. Goodbye.

Ms. Random Person

Dear ME,

GO TO A

PSYCHIATRIST!

Ms. Random Person


NO!I have nothing

wrong with me. My family has

things wrong with them.

NO MORE bacon for you.

-ME P.S. I don’t want to see a

word written by you again. Goodbye forever.

Dear ME,

Sorry, You did not

enclose bacon in the

envelope. Goodbye.

Mr. Random Person

13

Dear Mr. Random Person,

I thought you were a

girl? And what did I say? I

don’t want to see a word

written by YOU again.

-ME

Hey Everybody!

Just so you know, I am

DONE with the ridiculous

antics of ME! Anyone else

need any advice? Please?

Anyone but ME.

Ms. Random Person


I need some advice. My

transmission is running

smoothly. HELP!

-1 Mola Lola

Dear 1 Mola Lola,

Firstly, 1 Mola? EWWWW!

Second, when I said

anything, I meant to say

anything that is not about

how to fix a car. I have no

idea how to help you. Sorry. GOODBYE!

Ms. Random Person

14

Here A FART CLOUD CARTOON

by Jack Kil l i l ea

robber

Video

game

15

they do not weep AN OWL STORY


The owl‟s massive wings shine in the moonlight as he

dives down into a deep snow. The mice cower in their

holes. Chipmunks and rabbits scurry away. The predator

of the night is King of all. From his tower he hears a

squeak! He dives down to the snow to catch his prey. He

kills them quick so they do not weep. He goes back up

with his prize to the monster‟s den, where no live mouse

has laid his eyes.

16

Evan’s houses REAL ESTATES

by Evan Stabach

Grassy manor

Inside:2 bathrooms ,1 living room,

3 bedrooms,1dining room,1kitchen,1 basement

Outside:1 pond, grassy hills

Deluxe: grassy roof

17

DO YOU EAT DEMOCRATIC TURKEYS? A TEST

by Amelia & Kendal l

1. Does your turkey tend to always come out raw (especially when your mom cooks it)?

Yes No

2. Do you always go to some supermarket to get your turkey (when I say this I mean the supermarket brand)?

Yes No

3. Do a lot of relatives always come to your house for Thanksgiving? When they come, do they like it?

Yes No

4. Do you and your relative‟s children not eat dinner, but eat a lot of dessert? (If your relatives don‟t have children do they do this)?

Yes No

5. After your relatives eat the turkey do they seem all wacked?

Yes No

18

ANSWER KEY

1. No

2. No

3. Yes

4. No

5. No

If you got 5 correct answers:

Congrats! You eat democratic turkeys!

If you got 3 or 4 correct answers:

Relax, the not democratic turkey will soon be out

of your system in 50 years! If you need help

to face this horrible fact, get help from Kendall.

Hopefully you won‟t come out worse.

If you got 0-2 correct answers:

Stop eating non-democratic turkeys!

You are ruining your life! Call The Doctor!!!!!!!!

19

A DARK STORY by Jackson Obel -Omia

esterday I had the worst day of my life.

First, I went to school (which was the best part

of my day). Then I went home.

After a few minutes, I went to the

Orthodontist, where they messed with my

braces.

Then I got a haircut, which got me itchy, and they

found a tick under my ear. It was in for five days. When I

went to the doctor, I found out it was the kind that carried

Lyme disease. They got it out.

Then I got a flu shot.

Then I vomited from the antibiotics.

That was my worst day.

20

A VEGETABLE POEM by Evan Shoaf

Green and putrid,

I lay by myself

Alone; abandoned

Unaccepted.

My only wish:

To disappear!

To be swallowed whole!

To vanish. . .

Oh! Cruel irony

I cannot disappear

For I am too gross

No one will even touch me.

21

Evil Grandma’s Funeral A POETIC LAMENT


obody showed up

for Evil Grandma‟s Funeral.

They were too busy destroying her

house and throwing eggs and toilet paper

at the remains of her old house. N

22

In a happy unicorn teddy bear kiss land A SHORT STORY

by Dylan Ingham

nce Upon a time, in a happy unicorn teddy bear kiss

land, there was a total apocalypse and billions of

infant souls perished in agony.

Then a zucchini came from space and squirted

ketchup bombs encased in underwear and blood, while slicing

the last survivor‟s limbs off slowly and painfully.

As the devil of sorrow descended on the barren,

deserted land (sorry, almost deserted), an eyeball on planet

Planet ate mustard.

To be continued…

O

23

AUTOMATIC WRITING by Kendal l Jones

The pit of despair with fluffy golden squirrels had taken Santa, who is now severely wounded.

I like dark things.

The other pit.

The pit of excruciating you with evil psychotic demons has taken Snakey, who is extremely well and at RI Hospital under 24/7 guard.

I hate artificial things.

„cept for Snakey.

24

DEATH FROGS A NEWS UPDATE

by The Media

Death Frogs Do not be fooled by their cuteness. These frogs are evil and

out to get you. They want to rule the world. It would not be so bad if they had no HATRED TOWARD CHOCOLATE PUDDING!! WHICH, by the way, they are planning to WIPE OFF ALL THE PUDDING FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!! Lock your doors + windows. Eat Tacos for breakfast, wear slippers to the mall, and eat donuts. These are some safety tips from the W.R.F.U.S. Please obey.

25

MATH & LOGIC A GOOD QUESTION

by Kendall Jones

HOW MANY BLOOD STAINS

SHOULD BE IN THE AVERAGE

MASTER BEDROOM?

ANSWER: 37

I shall show you THE MATH and THE LOGIC behind this:

26

V E G G I E S O F D O O M A MEASURED SYNOPSIS

by Finlay Earsman

27

I AM SO, SO SORRY I STOLE YOUR DOG

AN ANONYMOUS APOLOGY

Dear Rick,

I am so, so sorry I stole your dog. I don‟t know what

came over me. I buried his brain and all his organs with

his collar in your dead lizard‟s tank. (I buried your lizard,

too. And your cat.) I regret what I did. But on their

gravestone I at least wrote R.I.P. (Not really. I wrote

PLEASE BOTHER US AND TAMPER WITH OUR

CORPSES.)

Signed,

The one who killed your dog

P.S. I am not really sorry. I ate your dog, lizard, and cat.

Mwaaaa

Haaaa

Haaa

Ha!!

28

dead dynamite A 3-PANEL COMIC

by Finlay Earsman

29

NECAP AN ACROSTIC

by Anonymous

Never

Educating

Kids

At

Palmer River School

30

next:

POEMS

USING

SOMEONE

ELSE‟S

7 WORDS

31

1. random

2. bl ing

3. of

4. baby

5. chicken

6. on

7. mars

After a random day,

a bling of night

brought demons of wars.

A baby cries.

a chicken dies,

and on Jupiter they th ink of

MARS.

by Dylan Ingham

32

1. pie

2. soccer

3. Supercalifragi l isticexpial idocious

4. hippo

5. nerd

6. just

7. pop

There was a celebrat ion.

The town hippo brought a pie.

The nerds spel led

Supercali fragil ist icexpial idocious.

The people played soccer.

The mayor made a short toast:

“Just Pop,” he said.

And the party ended.

by Bri

33

1. trash

2. Alcatraz

3. fermented

4. alcohol

5. loop

6. sick

7. Lucky Charms

Crazy

Tons of trash.

In Alcatraz, a guy

Named Fermented

Wearing sick loop

Lucky Charms.

by Evan Stabach

34

M a r r i a g e i s a B u n g e e J u m p ! A POEM


Today I got married.

She wants me to bungee jump,

Even though I am afraid of heights.

But I can‟ t say so,

Because Daisy is crazy and insane.

Beyond your biggest fr ights.

35

A POEM by Kendall Jones

In November i t rains

the blood of

turkeys.

November rain

is often used in

“cranberry” sauce.

It gives i t

its reddish

color .

36

GREETING CARDS BY A RANDOM HOBO by Eli Kelley

There are leprechauns in your toilet. Life is unfair.

~Happy Birthday!~

Your next door neighbor just died. Your friend just got decapitated.

~Happy Funeral~

Your lifelines are perpendicular. You are a widow.

~Happy Graduation!~

37

November Rain

A POEM by Jack Killilea

November Rain

is l ighter

than the ra in on Venus,

but heavier

than almost al l Taylor Swift songs.

38

EVITE (IT SOUNDS TECHNO! ENTER LADY GAGA! !!) AN INVITATION

by Jack Killilea

I’m Rick Perry

And you’re invited to my

Anti-hipster protest/egging/party

PEEPS

39

Does Santa Exist? A POLL

by Emma Germano

The Results:

Yes & No

YES: I believe in Santa because he writes me letters.

No: Because me and my friend compared cards from Santa

and they were different.

40

Latest Gossip (Many Aren’t True) A GOSSIP COLUMN

by Emma Germano

I heard Selena and Just in Bieber are breaking up.

Jessie doesn‟t have a cell phone.

Lunch is better in high school.

Barney broke out of prison.

Elmo is dating Deme Lovoto.

Someone had a gas leak in their house and it blew

up and went flying and landed in Taylor Swift ‟s

designer bathroom.

(Cost:= $1,000,000,000,000)

Did you hear Humpty Dumpty‟s girl fr iend

hates eggs?

Katy Perry and Rebecca Black are becoming BFFs.

41

DYLAN INGHAM

The Tale of Little Red Riding Hood A Story

Part One: The Encounter

long time ago in a galaxy far, far awa-woops wrong story. This story

takes place not so long ago and not so far away. This story takes place in a valley called Utterlion...

Little Red was having an absolutely spectacularly wonder-ifically awesomely great day. Grand-ma was ill in bed and Little Red was going to her house to bring her cookies, doughnuts, and other extremely fattening foods that will probably be more deadly than the sickness Grandma had.

You see, Little Red‟s dad had died and her mom had mysteriously disappeared years

ago. Little Red was taken in and raised after the tragedy by her grandma. Because of Little Red‟s love for Grandma, Little Red had become very worried when she found out about grandma‟s sickness. Luckily, Red (I‟m going to start calling Little Red Red just to save time and space) found a cheap baker that made her some „‟magical sweets that would supposedly heal Grandma. Then, Red started skip-ping home happily and caught up to the story.

A

42

As Red skipped along, she heard something peculiar. It sounded like a hippo with indigestion. Turns out, it was a hippo with indigestion. Deadly indigestion. Red saw the hippo fall over in pain. It was breathing heavily and turning blue. Red walked off the path and went up to the hippo to try to help him.

“What‟s wrong, hippo?” Red asked in her soft, sweet voice.

“I am dying of indigestion and need you to listen to me.” The poor hippo crackled. “If you see anybody tied up to a tree crying for help and even if they look like somebody you know, don‟t help them or you will be CURSED!!!”

Although Red was clever and smart, she was a bit gullible, so when she saw how sincere the hippo was about the curse, she suddenly believed him and told the hippo that she wouldn‟t do anything if she saw someone tied to a tree.

“Thank you” was all the hippo managed to say before he dropped dead.

Now, that was very frightening for Red, but she knew that she needed to deliver the sweet sweets to grandma, so Red pried her eyes away from the

gruesome sight and went on her way. What she did not see was that the hippo slowly changed into Japanese Warthogs, some of the dreaded wolf‟s minions. What she did not see was Wolf evilly cackling behind a tree. What she did not see was that Wolf‟s plan was falling into place. ____________________ Part Two: The Plan

ow, let me explain Wolf. Wolf is a twisted, evil, ugly, idiotic @$^*&%# fiend.

I know how many villains have dramatic heartbreaking backgrounds on how and why they became evil, but Wolf was just born bad, literally. When he was born, he sliced the way out of his mother‟s womb with his unusually sharp claws, and then punched the lights out of his dad before running into the woods to create his slave army and plan his next evil move.

His latest plan was to get into Grandma‟s bed and eat her, then dress up like Grandma and when Red came to Grandma‟s house, eat Red too. His plan would have worked out perfectly if Grandma hadn‟t been taking a walk…

N

To be continued…

43

WHAT NOT TO GET YOUR KID FOR CHRISTMAS

A LIST by Hannah Hicks -Santos

A Bear Dangerous Stuff Permanent Glue Pants (kids hate pants) Underwear Knives Toilet paper Math Coal Someone who freezes people Heads Dead bodies

44

D i f f e r e n c e s B e t w e e n B r a i n J u i c e a n d B l o o d A VISUAL AID


Thi s i s B LOOD

BLOOD i s r ed .

Thi s i s BRA IN JUI CE .

BRA IN JUI CE i s c l ea r .

(Tha t ’ s i t . )

45

HERE IS A DEAD RABBIT A NEW DRAWING by Hannah Hicks-Santos

46

Anna’s Math Test A GLIMPSE

by Emma Germano

47

I am really AN ATTEMPTED ESSAY

by Emma Germano

48

TATA: God of Manga A COLUMN ON GODS


49

Evil Mermaid A DRAWING


50

The Talking Taco A TACO COMIC


51

The Talking Taco and the Swearing Fire

The Talking Taco and the Reckless Bear

The Talking Taco Goes to the Grocery Store

52

w h a t h a p p e n e d t o t h e w o r d q u i e t ? A 1-PARAGRAPH ESSAY

by Amelia Pappas -Hori i

veryone used to adore the word quiet, but now everyone ignores it. That‟s infuriating. How could they do this? This all happened because people NEVER

SHUT UP!! This is an insult—a scandal to the word quiet! Nowadays, only a few people respect the word quiet and the only thing they say is “PEOPLE NEVER SHUT UP!” What a stupid thing to say (and boring and annoying, and etc.).

E

53

W a i t i n g R o o m A PHILOSOPHICAL INQUIRY

by Amelia Pappas -Hori i

‟m waiting in a waiting room where I‟m waiting to wait somewhere. Somewhere is not nowhere, it‟s somewhere. Nowhere is not nothing, it‟s something, but something

may be nothing. Nothing may be something, or it may be an OLD SHOE! An old shoe is something, but it could be nothing because nothing is something. A thing is nothing, but it could be something, or a banana! A “banana!” is nothing, or something, or a strand of hair! [scary music] A strand of hair is a strand of hair, or NOTHING because nothing is something (or a thing).

I

54

T h e G e r m s A HELPFUL COLUMN

by Finlay Earsman

55

Bouncy Ball and Hand A COMIC

by Finlay Earsman

56

Sheepish Duck AN ACROSTIC

by Jackson Obel -Omia

Surprising

Have Fun

Exciting

Extra Entertaining

Powerful

Incredible

Squirrels

Have fun (again)

Destiny of You

Undercover

Crazy

KraZY

57

Special intriguing

DiARY section

58

I’M FROM TEXAS, I’M FROM TEXAS RICK PERRY‟S DIARY


Monday

I think I’ll dress up like a fancy lady and try to catch

Herman Cain committing a crime.

Tuesday

Oh no. People on twitter found out I paid off Frank

Caprio to tell Obama to shove it.

Wednesday

Time to execute #5048. I think I’ll get an Egg

McMuffin for breakfast.

Thursday

Went to McDonald’s. Probably going to sue. Egg

McMuffin tasted bad. People laughed at my eye

shadow. I can’t get it off.

Friday

Was abducted by aliens! Scariest thing ever.

Saturday

Birthday! So excited. George Bush and Dick Cheney

are coming. Laser tag is so much fun!!!

59

E l f ’ s D i a r y

by Hannah Hicks -Santos

Dear Diary, Today I was trying to make myself a Furry Friend™ when Santa walked in! He knows I HATE unexpected guests! I mean, I wasn’t even wearing any clothes! Not even UNDERWEAR! I was afraid he was going to fire me, but then I remembered—today was my meeting with him! We were going to talk about how fast I could make toys! I totally forgot! It was, in a word, TERRIBLE!

~Elf

60

S a n t a ’ s D i a r y by Liza Obel -Omia

Dear D iary,

OMG. I go t such coo l g lasses. Yeah! Anyway, I

saw a k id p ick ing hi s nose on my I -See-You-When-

You ’re-Sleep ing-I-Know-

When-You ’re-Awake-

Machine™ . I t was

horr ib le! ! I a ls o saw a

woman tha t cou ld be Mrs. Claus. She had wavy brown

hair and perfect eyes. Oh mama. She was perfect !!

Wonder if she l ikes red and co ld weather. Wel l , I got

t o go check the ISYWYSIKWYA Machu ine™.

gtg. - Santa Claus

Kid with

problems

61

Dear D iary,

Today I found out my top

elf, Carson, was stea l ing toys!! I

am so, so, so proud! ! I wou ld

never have got t en away with

that!! SO, SO, SO PROUD.

I bet you ’re st i l l wonder ing

abou t the maybe-probab ly not Mrs.

Clau s. I bet you ’re al s o wonder ing

how old I am and s tuff . Wel l , here you go. I asked

the Mrs. C lau s whatever if she wan ted to “hang.” She

sa i d she doesn ’ t “hang” out wi th guys who dress l ike

Santa in the midd le of September! RUDE!! I guess there

are other ic i c le s in the po le.

Oh, I shou ld te l l you how o ld I am

now. I ’m 200. I need a son though, so

when I die around the age of 450 he

can take my p lace. Maybe I ’ l l sweeten

up Mrs. C lau s-t o-be…

Wel l , got t o go (gtg). - Santa

62

Dear D iary,

I got a let ter today saying I need to f ind the

next Santa. S i n ce noth ing ’s mov ing with

that lady. I need to f ind another woman

of a fr iend I have known for at least

two years, wh ich i s hard, s ince I ha rd ly

knew anyone grow ing up, and if I did

they are probab ly a l l dead now!!

I do know one guy who was

abou t one-year-o ld when I was 150. He

is pret ty n ice, and I met h im every few

years. I th ink he is…51

now! That wi l l work! I ’ l l

check on h im tomorrow.

Oh, one more th ing abou t a

woman. I saw another good look ing one

today!! Yeah! Yay!

gtg. - Santa Claus

63

Dear D iary,

I met up with my o ld fr iend, Bob. He is n ice enough,

but he is a b i t of a couch potato. He gave me hi s

schedu le: Wake up, eat bacon, brush

tee th, qu ick shower, watch games

whi le snack ing, eat dinner, have

desser t , go to n ight sh i f t at CVS,

come home, br ush teeth, and go to

bed. I t i s a pret t y bad l i f e, so I am

pre t ty sure he want s to be Santa.

He’ s go t the fat body and beard

down. If a l l fa i l s, though, he has a

neighbor. He l ikes her,

but hey—I ’m Santa! I asked him the quest i on

and he sa id he ’d answer r ight af ter he

asks Margaret on a date. I f lew back on

my snow-powered s le igh and I am wai t i ng

for an answer. Come on BOB!!!

Bye! - Santa Claus

64

Dear D iary,

Stup id love!! Margaret went out wi th Bob and i t

was perfect!! Everyth ing is ru ined. Margare t even h ugged

him! Tw ice! They have another date

on Fr iday. Ugh!!!

Then I had a great idea. A

super s tar!! A star!! I p icked Tay lor

Swif t and Katy Perry. Tay l or i s

super pre t ty. I th ink I wi l l p ick her!

Yay! Yay! ! Yeah! Yeah!

I texted her, and wa i t ed for

a rep ly. I got one, after three

hour s. I t sa id, “umm who is th is .

SantaRu les? What kind of name is

that and how do u know my #??? PDKIT (P lease Don ’ t

Keep In Touch!! ) rea l tay lorg ir l s .”

What ’ s wi th her? I don ’ t know at al l . Guess I

shou ld jus t st i ck with norma l women.

- Santa Claus

65

Dear D iary,

Looked at some more women and the i r hobb ies.

The one I saw a coup le of days ago has a husband!

I cou ld on ly f ind a few co l l ege g ir l s, though. I shou ld

jus t pu t th i s as ide!! I know one more guy. I cou ld try

him. I wi l l t omorrow! MEN, here I come!! - Santa Claus

66

DAYS IN THE (SOMEWHAT DEPRESSING)

LIFE OF A FAT MOLECULE by Kendal l Jones

am a Fat Molecule. Everyone hates me. I will live a long life because of this. It also makes me sad. I want to be liked as something other than a Fat Molecule. Like a pie. I hate my little Fat-y body. No hands, or legs. Just sneakers where my feet would

be. I will never achieve my dream of being a Persian Cat. Because I was born a Fat.

Nov. 15 2011 Journal, Today I was nearly eaten. As you know, I have found a home on a piece of green steak. A hobo tried to eat my green host steak. I was deeply offended. A hobo! I had to jump off my new house and into the mass of filth in the dumpster and forage for food to cling to. I finally found a home on a rotten cracker in hobo man‟s jacket. Goodbye.

I

Warning: This may

psychologically scar you.

My former steak on the green house.

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A day in the life of an average

boy on christmas™

AN INTERVIEW

by Evan Stabach

First I wake up @ 6:01.

Then I wait 1 and ½ hours until my family

wakes up. Then I play with my presents

until dinner.

THANK YOU BEN, FOR LETTING US

INTERVIEW YOU!

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Daydreamer #1

AN INVENTOR‟S JOURNAL

by Liza Obel -Omia

Dear Inventor Journal,

I came up with something

awesome. The Warm Shower™. OK, OK

The Warm Shower™ is awesome because

it does all kinds of things! First,

you don’t have to reach back and

change the temperature, just say

stuff like “Turn on” and “Little

hotter” and “Too hot! Too hot!” and

stuff like that. Also, it has a

built-in phone, a mirror that never

gets misty, and a soap bar

disperser.

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THE SECRET OF LIFE

A POSSIBILITY


@ @ @ @ @ @ @

+

=

nuclear war

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DAILY NORTH POLE NPC NEWS WITH SNIKER DOODLE

A WEATHER REPORT

by Evan Stabach

Mon. Tue. Wed.

Blizzards Blizzards Blizzards

Thurs. Fri.

Blizzards Blizzards

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FREE MANSION

A LIMITED TIME OFFER

by Evan Stabach

HEY, all you people!

This is a limited time offer only.

A FREE MANSION

Just call: 911-e

You will die in this house.

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turkey

A POEM


I am a turkey.

A turkey I am.

Someone just stole my leg.

Another just stole my wing.

Now I am gone,

and all that is left is my bones

and my head,

who knows where.

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ONE WAY TO ANNOY A SIBLING

A SUGGESTION

by Evan Stabach

Go to youtube and type in:

1 hour annoying music

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EXECUTIONS

A DARK THOUGHT

by Kendal l Jones

Way no. 1:

The guillotine

Way no. 2:

The axe

Way no. 3:

The old serial killer

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Really, really, really, really, really, really FROM THE MIND OF KENDALL JONES

by Kendal l Jones

Ugh. Cafeteria fish sticks again. Why can’t they just order

Takeout Food every day?

NOTE TO SCHOOL CAFETERIA: THIS IS A GOOD IDEA.

PLEASE CONSIDER.

Why? I doubt the custodian wants to clean up Kid barf every

day, for a least one time a lunch period. So, let’s order out! Like

Golden House, or Hong Meas, Pie Zoni’s, or Papa Gino’s

Vampires should not be treated like beasts of a different species,

they are only undead people with a condition that makes

him/her drink the blood of the living and use it for personal

gain. Hm. Kind of like goats, which are evil. Don’t argue with

me. Male Vampires often have Mustaches, which are

gooooood.

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Muffins are only cupcakes that won’t tell us what they truly

are.

Cry of Utter Panic

“Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! It is upon us!!!!! It is upon us!!!!! Get the

children!!! THE CHILDREN!!!”

Pies are really slabs of beef that also (like the muffin) won’t

admit what they want to be.

If we all sat down and had a peaceful discussion, would it solve

all our problems?????

__yes __no

Correct answer: NO!

Carnivorous mammals often murder innocent pandas for no

better reason than to revenge on cows for taking the secret of

fire and giving it to goats, which are evil.

(I AM A CARNIVOROUS MAMMAL. HOPE YOU ARE NOT

A PANDA)

Really, really, really, really, really, really.

I mean it when I say goats are evil. The men with mustaches

and wool suits fight the sinister goats by fire and dehydration

of Gatorade. The goats’ only weapon against them: solid gold

pickles shot from potato cannons. These are hard to come by

naturally and they hurt. The evilest goat couple is Mr. and Dr.

Lady von Snitzerberg, they go by Mr. and Dr. Bob the evil

goats. Evil goats always work in pairs. It’s a goat thing.

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A Turkey’s Nightmare *Snore, snore, snore*

~Thanksgiving table setting~

The turkey “Wakes up” on the table. The drumstick was missing, the

turkey realized. He woke up in his dream, except it wasn’t.

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DEAR IMPORTANTAFIER-PERSON IMPORTANT QUESTIONS ANSWERED

by Kendal l Jones

Dear Importantafier-Person,

Are Colorful Popsicle Sticks Important to Society? I do not

believe so.

Sincerely,

I Work In a Popsicle Stick Factory and I Hate It

Dear I Work In a Popsicle Stick Factory and I Hate It,

Yes, Colorful Popsicle Sticks are important to society because

without them, The Cup would be empty and all the other Important

Stuff and Stuff would fight over the extra space and in the riot they

would destroy the Paper Towel Dispenser Over The Sink, who kept

order until now. Then, without The Towel Dispenser Over The Sink to

keep order, the riot would get out of control, and the rioters would

kill the Soap Dispenser, son of the Paper Towel Dispenser Over The

Sink. The Soap Dispenser’s dying scream would cause the Yellowstone

Caldera to explode and destroy Earth, and that will destroy remaining

planets in order. Then the Galaxy would blow up, causing a chain

reaction, the destruction ending when the hellfire and brimstone

reached Heaven, sending Perfection spiraling into a better Downstairs,

and since Downstairs is already unperfect, it would do nothing. The

universe would then be destroyed. If you abolish Colored Popsicle

Sticks, then you might as well rob a bank and buy the wood Escalade

that runs on aerosol hair spray. DO NOT BAN THE POPSICLE

STICKS!!!!!!!!!! They hold the world together.

Sincerely,

Importantafier-Person

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TEST TODAY!!! 95% of YOUR GRADE Depends on THIS!!! A TEST

by Kendal l Jones

What is the best way to murder a cow? ____________________________________________________________________________ How do you dump bodies in a landfill efficiently?

a.) You DON‟T

b.) OMG STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!!!

c.) You wing it

ESSAY QUESTION: Never eat blue bloody jelly beans? Why?

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by Jack Killilea

82

A CARTOON by Dylan Ingham

83

S P E C I A L A D V E R T I S I N G S E C T I O N

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What’s Writer’s Block? AN ADVERTISEMENT

by Emma Germano

Every writer has a block to help them think.

So, if you are a writer and you don’t have one

you can buy it at The Writer’s Nook in California.

A Writer’s Block is $100,000.

It comes in many colors,

such as blueberry red, strawberry blue, and much more.

CUSTOMER REVIEWS: Writer’s Block

I am a writer from San Francisco, and when I heard about Writer’s Block

I went out and bought it. It was the worst decision of my life!!!!!!!! It

did nothing!!!!!! Do not waste the $$$$$!!!

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by Kendall Jones

CUSTOMER REVIEWS

RatesStuff: I bought 5 puffed penguins and they all ripped

up like that! They stink! DO NOT BUY!!

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Caution: New Criminal Mastermind

on the Loose!

by Evan Stabach

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HEY, Let’s Fight

A COMIC by Jack Kil l i l ea

89

HOW’D THAT HAPPEN?

A COMIC by Hannah Hicks -Santos

90

THE PLATYPUS OF BONES A DRAWING

by Evan Stabach

91

Either/Or

A COMIC

by Finlay Earsman

92

bad baby

A SERIOUS SERIES


ne day, a Bad Baby was born. When she

was born, she punched the doctor, her

dad, her sister, and her mom. She knocked

everyone out. Now she‟s four -years-old, and she

can beat up a fi fth grader.

This is her birth certificate:

She is try ing to strangle me.

O

First Name: Bad Baby

Last Name: Goodhood

Mother: Lulu Thathat

Father: Gordon Goodhood

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bad baby:

I am going to burn down the forest.

TOO

BAD

STUPID

ANIMALS!

95

Dear Dylan, I need help. I want a good boyfriend. A great boyfriend. I NEED ONE!!! Help help help.

- Girl wants NEEDS boyfriend Zanesville, OH

P.S. You single?

Dear Girl NEEDS Boyfriend,

If you are under 16, you don’t need a boyfriend, but if you’re older than that, find someone you really like and make out with them for 5.7 seconds.

~ Dylan P.S. Maybe I’m single.

Dear Dylan, Um. Um. You free Friday?



Sorry, but I’m going to HOW-TO-DITCH-ANNOYING-GIRLS-THAT-ASK-TOO-MANY-DATING-QUESTIONS Camp on Friday, but I’m free Thursday.

~ Dylan P.S. Just kidding. P.P.S. Did the advice work?

Dear Dylan, It DID. I got a boyfriend named Bodson. Oh oh oh!.



Congratulations.

~ Dylan

Dylan’s Dating Advice

A MONTHLY DATING ADVICE COLUMN

by Dylan Ingham

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A R E Y O U D E A D ? A LITTLE QUIZ


If you answer yes for two or more questions, you are dead. Find out with this quiz!

1. Do you walk very slowly?

Yes No 2. Do your arms and legs fall off often?

Yes No 3. Do you groan a lot?

Yes No

97

L I Z A O B E L - O M I A

L e t t e r s f r o m R i c h t o P o o r

Excerpts from an Epistolary Novel, Part 2

With help from Emma Germano

June 29th Dear Sara,

Why???!!!!???!!! I guess I pick Nikki Rope, or whatever.

- Liza Swift

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JUNE 29th Liza— Good. You will start tomorrow. I will tell her the good news.

- Sara

June 29th

Dear Nikki,

Hi. I’m Sara Bodson. If you

don’t already know, I am Liza

Swift’s manager. You have been

chosen to be Pen Pals with Liza.

You will write to each other for a

month. Here is the best part,

though. At the end of the month

you get to meet her. Liza is so

excited! The letters will start

tomorrow. Have a great day.

-Sara Bodson

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July 5th

Dear Nikki, Um, hi. It’s so nice to write to you. It’s nice that I have someone to…um….write to. Anyway, what’s your life like. Do you have a nice house? Do you like skirts or shorts in the summer? What’s your life like? Yeah.

Um…bye, Liza Swift

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July 3rd

Dear Liza,

YES YES YES!!!!! I can’t believe this is happening. OH OH

OH!!! Well, um, sorry, let me control myself. Well, hi. I’m Nikki. Well,

I read your letter and I have some answers.

I live in kind of a shack. Um, I only have a long shirt+skirt

(for winter) and another skirt (for summer). My life is okay, though. I

am homeschooled by my mom (my dad is away in the army).

I mostly have pasta and home grown fruits and vegetables for

dinner, which I love, so I guess life is okay.

- Nikki Rope

My clothes

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July 5th

Dear Nikki, So you’re poor!!!! OMG OMG Oh My God. I mean, I thought I was writing to a…a…a…normal person!!!! Well, I guess I should put that behind my back. Well, so you like to draw. Then draw a picture of me. I want to see how good you are at drawing people. Very important people like ME! Send it in your next letter. Maybe even a picture of you and your bedroom.

Liza Swift

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July 7th

Dear Liza,

Here’s the pictures you wanted to see.

Sorry that I’m poor.

Nikki Rope

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July 9th

Dear Nikki, You are O.K. at drawing. I am so good at it! I will draw a little picture for you.

P.S. You should take art lessons!

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July 10th

Dear Nikki, I’m waiting for a letter from you! I mean, what do you do all day, watch your maid? It’s not like you do chores all day! Anyway, what do you do for fun? Since you’re poor. Tell me in your next letter.

Liza Swift

P.S. I want your next letter soon!

105

BYE

FOREVER

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C O N T R I B U T O R S I N R A N D O M O R D E R

Dylan Paul Ingham is 11-years-old and believes in talking Meese (a fake plural word for "moose"). His favorite animals are fennec foxes, wombats, good tem-pered wart-hogs, porpoises, tigers, panda and desmans. Liza Obel-Omia is a singer, a writer, a dancer, a reader, a swimmer, a happy-bringer and a rubber duck collector. Evan Stabach is in 5th grade. He is adventurous and fast, and he likes skiing, swimming and stories. Jack Killilea is in 5th grade and wants to be a historian. His dad cuts his hair. Emma Germano likes to write, likes to draw, and wants to be a teacher. Eli Kelley is a 4th grader at Hampden Meadows. When he's not creating funny stories with Bri and the gang, he can be found playing guitar, drums and singing for his new band.

Jackson Obel-Omia likes to read and write. He plays basketball and baseball. He also runs cross country. He is 12 years old. Kendall Jones, Grade 5, age 11, has brown hair that hangs down straight, and hazel eyes. Bubble letters are her favorite way to write, and she has a cat named Matilda, a mom and a dad, and a younger sister. Amelia Pappas-Horii is 10-years-old and enjoys many things, including eating, more eating, dancing, hanging out, and annoying her sister. Finlay Earsman is a 5th grader and lives in a family of four. He can be funny and weird. Hannah Hicks-Santos is rumored to love bacon and trips to the beach. She is ten-years-old and can of-ten be found—anywhere! When you find her, she may be drawing, writing or singing. Do not be surprised.

107

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Sheepish Duck!

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Sheepish Duck #6: The Dark Issue

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