Shakespeare for Slackers

~

The Tragedy of Macbeth

SHAKESPEARE FOR SLACKERS: MACBETH by Aaron Kite and Audrey Evans is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 US license.

Based on a work which may appear at www.kiteanic.com, among other places.

Permissions beyond the scope of this license might be available at www.kiteanic.com, although I might make you say 'pretty please' or something equally infantile before granting them. I'm immature like that.

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the internet or via any other means is not onlyway uncool, but it would probably really, really hurt my feelings. Seriously. There might even be tears.

You wouldn't want to be responsible for something like that happening, would you?

This book is a derivative work based on Shakespeare. Any character's resemblance to any person, livingor dead, is entirely coincidental. It happens. Know what? The exact same thing happened to me just the otherday! I was reading this book, and halfway through there was this character that showed up out of nowhere,

and I thought to myself, “Holy crap – that's me!” Seriously, it was spooky. He didn't last too long in thestory . . . I think he got turned into a blood smear by an alien after twenty pages or so. Really sad. WhenI was done the book, I went to the front, and there was this disclaimer saying that none of the characterswere based on real people. And I could have sworn it was me, too! So yeah, if the same thing happens to

you when you read about a character in this book, just remember that I know exactly how you feel.

Oh, and no complaining about the font I used for all the original text. You know, the stuff at the left.I mean, it's Shakespeare – It's supposed to be hard to read!

Act 1

Scene: Scotland and England

Act 1 Scene 1 - A desert place. Thunder and lightning

Enter three Witches.

First Witch When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Second Witch When the hurlyburly's done, When the battle's lost and won.

Third Witch That will be ere the set of sun.

First Witch Where the place?

Second Witch Upon the heath.

Third Witch There to meet with Macbeth.

First Witch I come, Graymalkin.

Second WitchPaddock calls.

Third WitchAnon!

AllFair is foul, and foul is fair. Hover through the fog and filthy air.

Exeunt.

Act 1 Scene 2 - A camp near Forres. Alarum within.

Enter Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Lennox, with Attendants, meeting a bleeding Sergeant.

Duncan What bloody man is that? He can report, As seemeth by his plight, of the revolt The newest state.

The place: Scotland and England. Though, I guess

that's two places, actually. . .

1-1 - Some desert with really sucky weather

(Three hags in pointy hats show up)

First Witch: So, when are we going to do this thing? Or are we just here to enjoy the weather?

Second Witch: We'll have to wait until those silly boys are done fighting.

Third Witch: They'll be done today, I think.

First Witch: Good, my broom is getting soaked. Where should we hook up?

Second Witch: How about that other place in the middle of nowhere?

Third Witch: Good call. That's where Macbeth will show up.

First Witch: Ooo, do I hear an impatient kitty meowing over there? I'm coming, Mister Graymalkin! Does woogums want a treat?

Second Witch: Let's wrap this up. My frog's getting hungry.

Third Witch: Good idea.

All: White is black and black is white,Grant us now the power of flight.

(They zip away on broomsticks)

1-2 – A bunch of tents somewhere

(Duncan, Malcolm, Donald, Lenny, and some other people enter the triage tent)

Duncan: Look – this guy hasn't even stopped bleeding yet! I bet you he can give us the scoop on how the battle's going!

MalcolmThis is the sergeant Who like a good and hardy soldier fought 'Gainst my captivity. Hail, brave friend! Say to the King the knowledge of the broil As thou didst leave it.

SergeantDoubtful it stood, As two spent swimmers that do cling together And choke their art. The merciless Macdonwald- Worthy to be a rebel, for to that The multiplying villainies of nature Do swarm upon him -from the Western Isles Of kerns and gallowglasses is supplied; And Fortune, on his damned quarrel smiling, Show'd like a rebel's whore. But all's too weak; For brave Macbeth -well he deserves that name- Disdaining Fortune, with his brandish'd steel, Which smoked with bloody execution, Like Valor's minion carved out his passage Till he faced the slave, Which ne'er shook hands, nor bade farewell to him, Till he unseam'd him from the nave to the chaps, And fix'd his head upon our battlements.

Duncan O valiant cousin! Worthy gentleman!

SergeantAs whence the sun 'gins his reflection Shipwrecking storms and direful thunders break, So from that spring whence comfort seem'd to come Discomfort swells. Mark, King of Scotland, mark. No sooner justice had, with valor arm'd, Compell'd these skipping kerns to trust their heels, But the Norweyan lord, surveying vantage, With furbish'd arms and new supplies of men, Began a fresh assault.

Duncan Dismay'd not this Our captains, Macbeth and Banquo.?

SergeantYes, as sparrows eagles, or the hare the lion. If I say sooth, I must report they were As cannons overcharged with double cracks, So they doubly redoubled strokes upon the foe. Except they meant to bathe in reeking wounds, Or memorize another Golgotha, I cannot tell- But I am faint; my gashes cry for help.

Malcolm: Hey, that's the guy who saved me when I was about to get my ass handed to me! Hey buddy! How's it going? I brought the King with me. Tell him what was going on when you left, will you?

Sergeant: Oh, man - you don't know what it was like out there! It was crazy, man! Both sides were drowning in it! And then this Macdonwald guy comes in with a bunch of his buddies from Ireland - gets on a lucky streak, right? He just plows through everyone, and we're all like, “Oh no!” 'n stuff.

But Macbeth? He's all like, “Friggin foreigners!” and he goes to throw down with Macdonwald, cutting soldiers down along the way! When he got there, Macdonwald says, “Hey, who-” and whoosh! His head's gone! Then his stomach gets sliced so bad you can see what he had for dinner! It was freaking intense, man, just like something out of that Braveheart movie!

Duncan: That's my cousin Macbeth, alright. The guy's an animal!

Sergeant: Oh, but there's more – I'm just getting to the good stuff! So the Irish guys are all running like crazy, and we're all like, “Yeah! Woohoo!” and then that big Norwegian dude figures we're all distracted 'n stuff, so now he dives in with a bunch of fresh guys, and we're all like, “Check, please!”!

Duncan: Was that a problem for Macbeth and Banquo?

Sergeant: They swatted them away like flies! Just, wham! Smoked 'em! Blood everywhere, man – they were practically bathing in the stuff! It was biblical, man!

Hey, I'm feeling kind of woozy. Is there a doctor or someone around? (looks at wound) Does this look like a piece of kidney to you?

Duncan So well thy words become thee as thy wounds; They smack of honor both. Go get him surgeons.

Exit

Sergeant, attended. Who comes here?

Enter Ross.

MalcolmThe worthy Thane of Ross.

LennoxWhat a haste looks through his eyes! So should he look That seems to speak things strange.

RossGod save the King!

Duncan Whence camest thou, worthy Thane?

RossFrom Fife, great King, Where the Norweyan banners flout the sky And fan our people cold. Norway himself, with terrible numbers, Assisted by that most disloyal traitor The Thane of Cawdor, began a dismal conflict, Till that Bellona's bridegroom, lapp'd in proof, Confronted him with self-comparisons, Point against point rebellious, arm 'gainst arm, Curbing his lavish spirit; and, to conclude, The victory fell on us.

Duncan Great happiness!

RossThat now Sweno, the Norways' king, craves compositionNor would we deign him burial of his men Till he disbursed, at Saint Colme's Inch, Ten thousand dollars to our general use.

Duncan No more that Thane of Cawdor shall deceive Our bosom interest. Go pronounce his present death, And with his former title greet Macbeth.

Duncan: Yeah, you probably should get that looked at. And don't worry - chicks dig scars.

(Sergeant leaves the triage tent)

Well, that was exciting. Hey, someone's coming!

(A guy named Ross enters)

Malcolm: Hey, look! Ross is here! Good old unforgettable Ross!

Lenny: Uh-oh – I've seen that look before. Get out the popcorn – it's story-time, folks.

Ross: God, do I need a drink! Hey, King!

Duncan: What's up?

Ross: I just got back from Fife – it was brutal! That Norwegian guy brought everyone he knows! He even brought Cawdor, that traitor! Well, I guess Macbeth gets it in his head that he's not covered in enough blood, so he bolts over there and starts cutting them apart! I swear, if death were a woman, she'd be married to Macbeth. And even then, he'd be trying to talk her into some sort of sexy three-way with the goddess of blood and war!

So yeah, we won.

Duncan: Sweet!

Ross: And Sweno – Captain Norwegian Guy – he wants to stop fighting now that he's had his ass properly kicked. I told him we'd think about it. We also told him that he could bury his men, but we'd have to charge him a “Burial Tax” of ten grand.

Duncan: Well, that Cawdor fellow certainly knows how to pick a losing team, that's for sure. Go and execute that traitor for me, will you? Oh, and give all his land and titles to Macbeth while you're at it.

Ross I'll see it done.

Duncan What he hath lost, noble Macbeth hath won.

Exeunt.

Act 1 Scene 3 - A heath. Thunder.

Enter the three Witches.

First Witch Where hast thou been, sister?

Second Witch Killing swine.

Third Witch Sister, where thou?

First Witch A sailor's wife had chestnuts in her lap, And mounch'd, and mounch'd, and mounch'd. "Give me," quoth I. "Aroint thee, witch!" the rump-fed ronyon cries. Her husband's to Aleppo gone, master the Tiger; But in a sieve I'll thither sail, And, like a rat without a tail, I'll do, I'll do, and I'll do.

Second Witch I'll give thee a wind.

First Witch Thou'rt kind.

Third Witch And I another.

First Witch I myself have all the other, And the very ports they blow, All the quarters that they know I' the shipman's card. I will drain him dry as hay: Sleep shall neither night nor day Hang upon his penthouse lid; He shall live a man forbid. Weary se'nnights nine times nine Shall he dwindle, peak, and pine; Though his bark cannot be lost, Yet it shall be tempest-toss'd. Look what I have.

Ross: You got it.

Duncan: Yeah, out with the old, and in with the new. Good meeting, everyone!

(Everybody leaves)

1-3 – A bushy field. The weather still sucks.

(Hags with pointy hats alert!)

First Witch: What took you so long?

Second Witch: I stopped off to make us some pork chops!

Third Witch: What about you? Where have you been?

First Witch: Ugh. There was this fishwife stuffing her face with chestnuts. Just chowing down, it was pretty gross. But I skipped breakfast, so I asked if I could have one, and she just snaps at me, “Beat it, witch!” How rude was that? Turns out her husband is off sailing to the Middle East, too. I am sooo tempted to put a whammy on him!

Second Witch: Oooo, I'd pay good money to see that! Want to use my Frequent Flyer miles?

First Witch: Awww, thanks!

Third Witch: I'll help too!

First Witch: I'll start messing with his compass, so he won't know his starboard from his elbow! Yeah! Then when he's all worried sick and lost at sea, I'll drop enough caffeine in his water to keep him awake for a year or two! He'll be exhausted! It'll be the worst sailing trip ever!

Mwahahahahaaaaa!

. . .

By the way – look what I've got!

Second Witch Show me, show me.

First Witch Here I have a pilot's thumb, Wreck'd as homeward he did come.

Drum within.

Third Witch A drum, a drum! Macbeth doth come.

AllThe weird sisters, hand in hand, Posters of the sea and land, Thus do go about, about, Thrice to thine, and thrice to mine, And thrice again, to make up nine. Peace! The charm's wound up.

Enter Macbeth and Banquo.

MacbethSo foul and fair a day I have not seen.

BanquoHow far is't call'd to Forres? What are these So wither'd and so wild in their attire, That look not like the inhabitants o' the earth, And yet are on't? Live you? or are you aught That man may question? You seem to understand me, By each at once her choppy finger laying Upon her skinny lips. You should be women, And yet your beards forbid me to interpret That you are so.

MacbethSpeak, if you can. What are you?

First Witch All hail, Macbeth, hail to thee, Thane of Glamis!

Second Witch All hail, Macbeth, hail to thee, Thane of Cawdor!

Third Witch All hail, Macbeth, that shalt be King hereafter!

Second Witch: What is it, what is it?! Tell meeee!

First Witch: See? It's . . . a thumb! I found with some washed-up shipwreck chunks on the beach. Isn't it gross? It's still all bendy, look! There's gotta be a way to use this in a potion!

(The sound of drummingcan be heard)

Third Witch: Hey, a drum! That must be Macbeth! Quick, let's get our mojo going!

All: Here we are, holding hands,Casting spells on wicked plans!Dance and scheme and chant like so,Grab her arm and do-si-do!Count to nine and it's a lockThe spell is set – it's going to rock!

(Macbeth and Banquo trudge into view)

Macbeth: What a great fight! It's too bad the weather had to be so sucky though.

Banquo: God - are we there yet?

Holy crap, check it out! There's three . . . I want to say 'women', but look at the length of those beards!

Am I on crack, or do you see them too? Maybe they're ghosts! Can they hear me?

(To witches) Hey! Can you hear me?

And they're shushing me, so . . . yeah, I'll just stand over here.

Macbeth: This'll be the easiest fight yet! (draws sword) Surrender, old bearded ladies!

First Witch: Three cheers for Macbeth, ruler of Glamis!

Second Witch: Congratulations Macbeth, the new ruler of Cawdor!

Third Witch: Uhm . . . Huzzah for Macbeth, who will soon become King of Scotland!

BanquoGood sir, why do you start, and seem to fear Things that do sound so fair? I' the name of truth, Are ye fantastical or that indeed Which outwardly ye show? My noble partner You greet with present grace and great prediction Of noble having and of royal hope, That he seems rapt withal. To me you speak not. If you can look into the seeds of time, And say which grain will grow and which will not, Speak then to me, who neither beg nor fear Your favors nor your hate.

First Witch Hail!

Second Witch Hail!

Third Witch Hail!

First Witch Lesser than Macbeth, and greater.

Second Witch Not so happy, yet much happier.

Third Witch Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none. So all hail, Macbeth and Banquo!

First Witch Banquo and Macbeth, all hail!

MacbethStay, you imperfect speakers, tell me more. By Sinel's death I know I am Thane of Glamis; But how of Cawdor? The Thane of Cawdor lives, A prosperous gentleman; and to be King Stands not within the prospect of belief, No more than to be Cawdor. Say from whence You owe this strange intelligence, or why Upon this blasted heath you stop our way With such prophetic greeting? Speak, I charge you.

Witches vanish.

BanquoThe earth hath bubbles as the water has, And these are of them. Whither are they vanish'd?

MacbethInto the air, and what seem'd corporal melted As breath into the wind. Would they had stay'd!

Banquo: King? Hey, they're fortune tellers! Sweet! Macbeth, put your sword away - they're fortune tellers! There must be a circus nearby!

Ladies, I apologize for my friend just standing there with a stunned look on his face. I don't think he was expecting to learn he was going to become King from three old bearded ladies out here in the middle of nowhere.

Okay, do me next! What's my future?

First Witch: Hey there!

Second Witch: Hi there!

Third Witch: Ho there!

First Witch: You won't do as well as Macbeth, but you'll do better in the long run.

Second Witch: You won't be as happy as him, but you'll be happier in the long run.

Third Witch: Your sons and grandsons will be Kings, even though you won't. So, hooray for Macbeth and Banquo!

First Witch: Yaaayyy! Way to go, both you guys! (golf clap)

Macbeth: Okay, nobody move! How do you know I'm the ruler of Glavis? I mean, I know I am, because my dad left me everything when he died. But how do a bunch of carnies know that?

And what's all this jibber-jabber about ruling Cawdor? I saw the guy who rules Cawdor – he was on the battlefield just a few minutes ago! And King? What the hell are you even talking about? Are you sauced?Answer me!

(The three old ladies vanish)

Banquo: What the? Did the earth just swallow them up or something? Where did they go? If that was my fortune, it was pretty lame.

Macbeth: Damn, I knew I should have tied them up when I had the chance! They never answered my questions!

BanquoWere such things here as we do speak about? Or have we eaten on the insane root That takes the reason prisoner?

MacbethYour children shall be kings.

Banquo You shall be King.

MacbethAnd Thane of Cawdor too. Went it not so?

BanquoTo the selfsame tune and words. Who's here?

Enter Ross and Angus.

RossThe King hath happily received, Macbeth, The news of thy success; and when he reads Thy personal venture in the rebels' fight, His wonders and his praises do contend Which should be thine or his. Silenced with that, In viewing o'er the rest o' the selfsame day, He finds thee in the stout Norweyan ranks, Nothing afeard of what thyself didst make, Strange images of death. As thick as hail Came post with post, and every one did bear Thy praises in his kingdom's great defense, And pour'd them down before him.

AngusWe are sent to give thee, from our royal master, thanks; Only to herald thee into his sight, not pay thee.

RossAnd for an earnest of a greater honor, He bade me, from him, call thee Thane of Cawdor. In which addition, hail, most worthy Thane, For it is thine.

BanquoWhat, can the devil speak true?

MacbethThe Thane of Cawdor lives. Why do you dress me In borrow'd robes?

Banquo: I told you those brownies we looted from that long-haired Norwegian tasted kind of funny! We must be tripping out! Did that actually happen just now?

Macbeth: Well, I heard one of the carnies say your boys would become King someday.

Banquo: And one said that you would be King.

Macbeth: And the ruler of Cawdor as well? You heard that, right? I didn't imagine it?

Banquo: That's what she said. Hey, what's that noise? Who's there?

(Ross and Angus show up)

Ross: Hey, Macbeth! The King's busy doing the happy dance because of you! He's heard all about how awesome you were on the battlefield. Actually, everyone's been talking about your mad skills – charging the enemy lines, bathing in blood, dismembering enemy soldiers. Good job! From the sounds of it, you were an animal out there!

Angus: Ross, we were sent here to make sure these two made it safely to the big guy, not to stand here and blow sunshine up their butts.

Ross: And I've also got a little love note for you from the King. He thinks you're due for a little bonus! Yup, he says congratulations, Macbeth, the new ruler of Cawdor!

Banquo: Whoa! Deja-vu!

Macbeth: Ruler of Cawdor? I just saw the ruler of Cawdor a few hours ago! What the hell are you talking about?

AngusWho was the Thane lives yet,But under heavy judgement bears that life Which he deserves to lose. Whether he was combined With those of Norway, or did line the rebel With hidden help and vantage, or that with both He labor'd in his country's wreck, I know not; But treasons capital, confess'd and proved, Have overthrown him.

Macbeth[Aside.] Glamis, and Thane of Cawdor! The greatest is behind. [To Ross and Angus] Thanks for your pains. [Aside to Banquo] Do you not hope your children shall be kings, When those that gave the Thane of Cawdor to me Promised no less to them?

Banquo[Aside to Macbeth.] That, trusted home, Might yet enkindle you unto the crown, Besides the Thane of Cawdor. But 'tis strange; And oftentimes, to win us to our harm, The instruments of darkness tell us truths, Win us with honest trifles, to betray's In deepest consequence- Cousins, a word, I pray you. Macbeth[Aside.] Two truths are told, As happy prologues to the swelling act Of the imperial theme-I thank you, gentlemen. [Aside.] This supernatural soliciting Cannot be ill, cannot be good. If ill, Why hath it given me earnest of success, Commencing in a truth? I am Thane of Cawdor. If good, why do I yield to that suggestion Whose horrid image doth unfix my hair And make my seated heart knock at my ribs, Against the use of nature? Present fears Are less than horrible imaginings: My thought, whose murther yet is but fantastical, Shakes so my single state of man that function Is smother'd in surmise, and nothing is But what is not.

Banquo Look, how our partner's rapt.

Macbeth[Aside.] If chance will have me King, why, chance may crown me without my stir.

Angus: Yeah, he's not going to be needing it any more, not where he's going. The Norway-loving turncoat squealed like a pig. We got a signed confession from him, and well, let's just say it sucks to be him. So, congrats!

Macbeth: (to nobody in particular) Whoa! Glavis and Cawdor! I'm rich!

(To Ross and Angus) That's great news!

(to Banquo) You hear that? Glavis and Cawdor, just like those old ladies said! Maybe they were fortune tellers! We should hurry back home, see if your sons turned into Kings while we were gone!

Banquo: (to Macbeth) Well, they were right about Cawdor, so I guess you may end up becoming King! I'm still not so sure about those old ladies, though – there was something decidedly witchy about them. Maybe they just told us this stuff to stir things up. Or, heck, maybe we're both just stoned out of our tree.(To Ross and Angus) Hey, can we chat for a quick second? I need you to check my pupils.

Macbeth: (To nobody in particular) Okay, so score another point for the carnies.

(To Ross and Angus) Hey, thanks again.

(Aside) Wow. Some palm-readers say I'll rule Cawdor, and the next thing you know it's mine! So, I guess I'll be King next? Awesome. Is that why I'm suddenly picturing myself murdering King Duncan? Wow, do I have a vivid imagination! Look at all that blood and gore . . .

Banquo: Macbeth's talking to himself again! Looks like I was right about those brownies . . .

Macbeth: Or maybe it'll just happen . . .

BanquoNew honors come upon him,Like our strange garments, cleave not to their mould But with the aid of use.

Macbeth[Aside.] Come what come may, Time and the hour runs through the roughest day.

Banquo Worthy Macbeth, we stay upon your leisure.

MacbethGive me your favor; my dull brain was wrought With things forgotten. Kind gentlemen, your pains Are register'd where every day I turn The leaf to read them. Let us toward the King. Think upon what hath chanced, and at more time, The interim having weigh'd it, let us speak Our free hearts each to other.

BanquoVery gladly.

MacbethTill then, enough. Come, friends.

Exeunt.

Act 1 Scene 4 - Forres. The palace.

Flourish. Enter Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Lennox, and Attendants.

Duncan Is execution done on Cawdor? Are not Those in commission yet return'd?

MalcolmMy liege, They are not yet come back. But I have spoke With one that saw him die, who did report That very frankly he confess'd his treasons, Implored your Highness' pardon, and set forth A deep repentance. Nothing in his life Became him like the leaving it; he died As one that had been studied in his death, To throw away the dearest thing he owed As 'twere a careless trifle.

Banquo: (To Ross and Angus) He gets like this sometimes, don't you worry. (To Macbeth) Hey! (snaps fingers) Earth to Macbeth . . .

Macbeth: (Talking to himself) So I'll be King, after I kill King Duncan. Or, maybe he'll simply die and name me King. Meh, whatever.

Banquo: Uh, Macbeth? You coming? Any time you're ready . . .

Macbeth: Wha? Sorry, I got a bit distracted there. Got hit in the head with a hammer earlier, stunned me for a bit. And this news has me stunned too! Today's sure been a day to remember. Let's go see King Duncan!

(Whispered to Banquo) When these brownies wear off, let's talk.

Banquo: Yeah, sure thing.

Macbeth: Until then, keep quiet – people might think we're suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder or something.

(To all) Okay, let's get a move on!

(They all leave)

1-4 – Some palace in Forres

(Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Lenny andattendants enter . . . with pizazz!)

Duncan: So . . . Cawdor. Is he dead yet?

Malcolm: Yup. Dead as a doornail.

I heard he pulled out all the stops, too . . . apologies, bribery, tears – you name it. Oscar Award-winning stuff. What a drama queen!

Duncan There's no art To find the mind's construction in the face: He was a gentleman on whom I built An absolute trust.

Enter Macbeth, Banquo, Ross, and Angus.

O worthiest cousin! The sin of my ingratitude even now Was heavy on me. Thou art so far before, That swiftest wing of recompense is slow To overtake thee. Would thou hadst less deserved, That the proportion both of thanks and payment Might have been mine! Only I have left to say, More is thy due than more than all can pay.

MacbethThe service and the loyalty l owe, In doing it, pays itself. Your Highness' part Is to receive our duties, and our duties Are to your throne and state, children and servants, Which do but what they should, by doing everything Safe toward your love and honor.

Duncan Welcome hither. I have begun to plant thee, and will labor To make thee full of growing. Noble Banquo, That hast no less deserved, nor must be known No less to have done so; let me infold thee And hold thee to my heart.

BanquoThere if I grow, the harvest is your own.

Duncan My plenteous joys, Wanton in fullness, seek to hide themselves In drops of sorrow. Sons, kinsmen, thanes, And you whose places are the nearest, know We will establish our estate upon Our eldest, Malcolm, whom we name hereafter The Prince of Cumberland; which honor must Not unaccompanied invest him only, But signs of nobleness, like stars, shall shine On all deservers. From hence to Inverness, And bind us further to you.

MacbethThe rest is labor, which is not used for you. I'll be myself the harbinger, and make joyful The hearing of my wife with your approach; So humbly take my leave.

Duncan: Yes, we'll have to review our screening procedures, see how Cawdor managed to slip through. It's becoming obvious that my 'If he's got an honest face, give him land' approach hasn't been working out too well. . .

(Macbeth, Banquo, Ross and Angus walk in)

Hey cuz! They're already sick of me singing your praises in the royal court, but since I'm King, they'll just have to put up with it. Word has it you were a blood-soaked terror out there, and won the war for us! Good job! I owe you big time.

Macbeth: Aw, shucks. Just doing my job, I guess.

Duncan: Well, for doing your job so well you're the new ruler of Cawdor. I think this is going to be the start of something terrific for you.

(To Banquo) Hey there, Banquo! I heard that you fought with just as much heart as Macbeth! You deserve a reward too! How about a hug?

Banquo: Uhh . . . sure. (hugs awkwardly) Macbeth gets Cawdor, I get hugged. That's fair.

Duncan: Ahh, good times. We won the war, caught the bad guy, my eldest son is starting to learn the ropes and will be King after me. It's Miller time!

(To Macbeth) We'll throw it at your place, since the palace is a bit of a mess. Sound good?

Macbeth: Party at my place again, huh? Nice. No, don't bother asking or anything, I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll just go and give the missus the good news . . . I'm sure she'll be thrilled to know she's hostessing. Again.

Duncan My worthy Cawdor!

Macbeth[Aside.] The Prince of Cumberland! That is a step On which I must fall down, or else o'erleap, For in my way it lies. Stars, hide your fires; Let not light see my black and deep desires. The eye wink at the hand; yet let that be Which the eye fears, when it is done, to see.

Exit.

Duncan True, worthy Banquo! He is full so valiant, And in his commendations I am fed; It is a banquet to me. Let's after him, Whose care is gone before to bid us welcome. It is a peerless kinsman.

Flourish. Exeunt.

Act 1 Scene 5 - Iverness

Enter Lady Macbeth, reading a letter.

Lady Macbeth"They met me in the day of success, and I have learned by the perfectest report they have more in them than mortal knowledge. When I burned in desire to question them further, they made themselves air, into which they vanished.

Whiles I stood rapt in the wonder of it, came missives from the King, who all-hailed me 'Thane of Cawdor'; by which title, before, these weird sisters saluted me and referred me to the coming on of time with 'Hail, King that shalt be!'

This have I thought good to deliver thee, my dearest partner of greatness, that thou might'st not lose the dues of rejoicing, by being ignorant of what greatness is promised thee.

Lay it to thy heart, and farewell."

Duncan: Hooray for Macbeth! Party at his place – yahoo!

Macbeth: (Muttered) Oh great. Lord and Lady Macbeth get to host yet another one of King Duncan's parties. My wife's gonna be pissed!

It's odd though – those fortune tellers said that I'd be King someday, but Malcolm will be King after him! How would I get to be King if he's going to be King? Maybe something bad happens to him. . .

Hey, why am I gripping my sword hilt so tightly all of a sudden? That's just weird.

(Macbeth leaves, inspecting his hand)

Duncan: I tell ya, Banquo . . . he's good people! Come on, let's head over to his place right now. I can't wait to find out what's for supper – I'm starved!

(Trumpets sound, everyone figuresthat's their cue to leave)

1-5 – Inside Macbeth's Place, Iverness

(Lady Macbeth enters, reading a blood-stained letter)

Lady Macbeth: “And then the fortune tellers showed up like magic right after the battle. Banquo thought someone must have put a little something in those brownies we ate, because they vanished right in front of us! Gone!

But here's the kicker – they said I'd be King someday! Not only that, but they called me the new ruler of Cawdor, and right after they disappeared you'll never be able to guess what happened! Some guys from the King showed up and told me I was the new ruler of Cawdor!

So, I thought I'd let you know that some old bearded ladies told me I'm gonna be King someday. And your father said I wouldn't amount to anything. Ha!

Don't tell anyone about this. See you soon!”

Lady Macbeth (continued)Glamis thou art, and Cawdor, and shalt be What thou art promised. Yet do I fear thy nature. It is too full o' the milk of human kindness To catch the nearest way. Thou wouldst be great; Art not without ambition, but without The illness should attend it. What thou wouldst highly, That wouldst thou holily; wouldst not play false, And yet wouldst wrongly win. Thou'ldst have, great Glamis, That which cries, "Thus thou must do, if thou have it; And that which rather thou dost fear to do Than wishest should be undone." Hie thee hither, That I may pour my spirits in thine ear, And chastise with the valor of my tongue All that impedes thee from the golden round, Which fate and metaphysical aid doth seem To have thee crown'd withal.

Enter a Servant.

What is your tidings?

ServantThe King comes here tonight.

Lady MacbethThou'rt mad to say it! Is not thy master with him? who, were't so, Would have inform'd for preparation.

ServantSo please you, it is true; our Thane is coming. One of my fellows had the speed of him, Who, almost dead for breath, had scarcely more Than would make up his message.

Lady MacbethGive him tending; He brings great news.

Exit Messenger.

The raven himself is hoarse That croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan Under my battlements. Come, you spirits That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full Of direst cruelty! Make thick my blood, Stop up the access and passage to remorse, That no compunctious visitings of nature Shake my fell purpose nor keep peace between The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,And take my milk for gall, your murthering ministers,

Lady Macbeth (continued): I knew it – he's finally snapped! He's off his rocker! Sure he's the ruler of Glamis, and now Cawdor, and really, that's just a stone's throw away from being King. However, it's clear that my husband isn't exactly upper-management material.

He does grunt work! He doesn't know the first thing about politics! And he's never interested in doing what needs to be done, he just does whatever the King tells him to do! Maybe those three old hags were just the kick in the pants he needed.

Well, if this whole 'fortune teller' prophecy is going to come true, it'll be up to me to make it happen. A woman's work is never done.

(Some flunky walks in)

Hey! Don't you knock?

Flunky: Did you hear? Party! Woo woo! Time to get hosed! Has the King arrived yet?

Lady Macbeth: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! King Duncan invited himself over again? No, it can't be – my husband would have given me some sort of heads-up!

Flunky: Oh, he did. But the guy he sent has wicked bad asthma, and he didn't have his inhaler with him. He arrived here so out of breath he couldn't even deliver his message. I was like, 'Well that's dumb! By the time you get your breath back, Macbeth will be here able to give the message in person!' and then he said-

Lady Macbeth: Fine, whatever. Go get him a glass of water or something. Message received.

(Flunky leaves)

That's some pretty freaky timing. This has got to be a sign or something.

Okay, Fate . . . I hear ya. Time to down some liquid courage!

Lady Macbeth (continued)Wherever in your sightless substances You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, And pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell That my keen knife see not the wound it makes Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark To cry, "Hold, hold!"

Enter Macbeth.

Great Glamis! Worthy Cawdor! Greater than both, by the all-hail hereafter! Thy letters have transported me beyond This ignorant present, and I feel now The future in the instant.

MacbethMy dearest love, Duncan comes here tonight.

Lady MacbethAnd when goes hence?

MacbethTomorrow, as he purposes.

Lady MacbethO, never shall sun that morrow see! Your face, my Thane, is as a book where men May read strange matters. To beguile the time, Look like the time; bear welcome in your eye, Your hand, your tongue; look like the innocent flower, But be the serpent under it. He that's coming Must be provided for; and you shall put This night's great business into my dispatch, Which shall to all our nights and days to come Give solely sovereign sway and masterdom.

MacbethWe will speak further.

Lady MacbethOnly look up clear; To alter favor ever is to fear. Leave all the rest to me.

Exeunt.

Act 1 Scene 6 - Before Macbeth's castle. Hautboys and torches.

Enter Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Banquo, Lennox, Macduff, Ross, Angus, and Attendants.

Lady Macbeth (continued): Yup, got to get good and drunk, so I don't lose my nerve.

I should break out the incense as well! That way, the smoke will be so harsh that nobody'll be able to see what happens to the King.

(Macbeth strolls in)

Well look who it is – it's the ruler of Glamis, Cawdor, and soon-to-be King of everything!

Macbeth: Hiya, honey! I'm home! The King's coming over for a bit. I sent a messenger earlier, but I think he passed out in the foyer from lack of oxygen. Have you heard?

Lady Macbeth: I heard. And how long exactly does the King plan on staying over?

Macbeth: I think he figures he can just crash on our couch or something.

Lady Macbeth: Yeah, like the last time he stayed for the evening. God . . . why us?

Hey, honey? I know what you want me to do – you're an open book. Why don't you go and relax somewhere? You need to look fresh and friendly for when everyone starts showing up! Just leave all of the preparations for tonight up to me, and I'll make sure that King Duncan's properly taken care of. If you catch my drift.

Macbeth: Mmm, can we talk about this later? I need a quick nap or something.

Lady Macbeth: Right! Exactly. We understand each other perfectly, then. Go get some sleep, while I get everything ready. This conversation never happened. (wink)

(They both leave)

1-6 – Still at Macbeth's place.They've hauled out the Tiki Torches

(The King, Malcolm, Donald, Banquo, Lenny, Ross, Angus, and a guy named Duffy all show up)

Duncan This castle hath a pleasant seat; the air Nimbly and sweetly recommends itself Unto our gentle senses.

BanquoThis guest of summer, The temple-haunting martlet, does approve By his loved mansionry that the heaven's breath Smells wooingly here. No jutty, frieze, Buttress, nor coign of vantage, but this bird Hath made his pendant bed and procreant cradle; Where they most breed and haunt, I have observed The air is delicate.

Enter Lady Macbeth.

Duncan See, see, our honor'd hostess! The love that follows us sometime is our trouble, Which still we thank as love. Herein I teach you How you shall bid God 'ield us for your pains, And thank us for your trouble.

Lady MacbethAll our service In every point twice done, and then done double, Were poor and single business to contend Against those honors deep and broad wherewith Your Majesty loads our house. For those of old, And the late dignities heap'd up to them, We rest your hermits.

Duncan Where's the Thane of Cawdor? We coursed him at the heels and had a purpose To be his purveyor; but he rides well, And his great love, sharp as his spur, hath holp him To his home before us. Fair and noble hostess, We are your guest tonight.

Lady MacbethYour servants ever Have theirs, themselves, and what is theirs, in compt, To make their audit at your Highness' pleasure, Still to return your own.

Duncan Give me your hand; Conduct me to mine host. We love him highly, And shall continue our graces towards him. By your leave, hostess.

Exeunt.

Duncan: (Inhales deeply) Ahh, the smell of freshly cut grass! I'm thinking that someone just mowed their lawn. Isn't that the greatest smell ever?

Banquo: The nice smell is small comfort next to all this bird crap. Look, it's everywhere!

Stupid birds. Do they have to always build nests where there's fresh air?

(Lady Macbeth walks in)

Duncan: Hey, it's our gracious hostess, Lady Macbeth! She probably can't wait to get started making us a feast.

(to Lady Macbeth) You love my spontaneity – admit it.

Lady Macbeth: Oh, sure! I mean, even if you invited yourself and your buddies over twice as often, four times as often, why, we'd hardly even notice! It doesn't happen nearly often enough for me and my husband . . .

Duncan: Just where is your husband, anyway?I was hoping to beat him here, but I guess he wanted to hurry home and take care of some 'business', am I right? Ha! Well, no wonder he beat us! Say, shouldn't there be some crab-cake thingies or something?

Lady Macbeth: Silly me, forgetting to plan snacks in advance. I'll get right on that . . .

Duncan: Well, you're forgiven – sometimes I forget important stuff too. Well, how about you take me to where your husband is hiding, and we'll see if I can't raid his liquor cabinet. Lead the way, hostess! (smacks her butt)

(They all leave the foyer)

Act 1 Scene 7 - Macbeth's castle. Hautboys and torches.

Enter a Sewer and divers Servants with dishes and service, who pass over the stage.

Then enter Macbeth.

MacbethIf it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well It were done quickly. If the assassination Could trammel up the consequence, and catch, With his surcease, success; that but this blow Might be the be-all and the end-all -here, But here, upon this bank and shoal of time, We'ld jump the life to come. But in these cases We still have judgement here, that we but teach Bloody instructions, which being taught return To plague the inventor. This even-handed justice Commends the ingredients of our poison'd chalice To our own lips. He's here in double trust: First, as I am his kinsman and his subject, Strong both against the deed; then, as his host, Who should against his murtherer shut the door, Not bear the knife myself. Besides, this Duncan Hath borne his faculties so meek, hath been So clear in his great office, that his virtues Will plead like angels trumpet-tongued against The deep damnation of his taking-off, And pity, like a naked new-born babe Striding the blast, or heaven's cherubin horsed Upon the sightless couriers of the air, Shall blow the horrid deed in every eye, That tears shall drown the wind. I have no spur To prick the sides of my intent, but only Vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself And falls on the other.

Enter Lady Macbeth.

How now, what news?

Lady MacbethHe has almost supp'd. Why have you left the chamber?

MacbethHath he ask'd for me?

Lady MacbethKnow you not he has?

1-7 – Yes, we're still at Macbeth's place.The Tiki Torches are still burning.

(Some random serving people come in, look busy for a while, and then leave)

(Macbeth wanders in)

Macbeth: It's weird – I keep having these visions of King Duncan lying there in front of me, dead. Do I want him dead? I don't think so, but those three old hags told me I'd be King someday, so I don't know. Maybe I do? If so, I should just do it and get it all over with, like ripping off a band-aid.

I mean, I could totally do it . . . I've killed lots of people! Still, this isn't a battlefield, so it's not like I can just walk up to him and cut him apart. Besides, aren't I supposed to be protecting him? Isn't that my job? I can't kill him! Not only would it be wrong, but I'm fairly certain it'd make me a really, really bad host.

What am I even talking about? My cousin's a great guy! He's done nothing wrong! If he were to die, there'd be a ton of people who would be upset, crying in the streets. Everybody would hate me! That's no good.

Maybe I should just do my best to ignore these crazy visions, and not kill anyone. I mean, what would my shrink say?

Who am I talking to, anyway?

(Lady Macbeth walks into the room)

Oh, hi honey! What's up?

Lady Macbeth: He's going to eat us out of house and home, I swear! Sweetie? Why aren't you in the dining room with everyone else?

Macbeth: Duncan was asking some of the guys to show off their scars, I figured I'd get some air. Why? Is he asking where I am?

Lady Macbeth: He's half in the bag already, and he keeps demanding to hear more about how you cut open Macdonwald.

MacbethWe will proceed no further in this business: He hath honor'd me of late, and I have bought Golden opinions from all sorts of people, Which would be worn now in their newest gloss, Not cast aside so soon.

Lady MacbethWas the hope drunk Wherein you dress'd yourself? Hath it slept since? And wakes it now, to look so green and pale At what it did so freely? From this time Such I account thy love. Art thou afeard To be the same in thine own act and valor As thou art in desire? Wouldst thou have that Which thou esteem'st the ornament of life And live a coward in thine own esteem, Letting "I dare not" wait upon "I would" Like the poor cat i' the adage?

MacbethPrithee, peace! I dare do all that may become a man; Who dares do more is none.

Lady MacbethWhat beast wast then That made you break this enterprise to me? When you durst do it, then you were a man, And, to be more than what you were, you would Be so much more the man. Nor time nor place Did then adhere, and yet you would make both. They have made themselves, and that their fitness now Does unmake you. I have given suck and know How tender 'tis to love the babe that milks me- I would, while it was smiling in my face, Have pluck'd my nipple from his boneless gums And dash'd the brains out had I so sworn as you Have done to this.

MacbethIf we should fail?

Lady MacbethWe fail? But screw your courage to the sticking-place And we'll not fail. When Duncan is asleep- Whereto the rather shall his day's hard journey Soundly invite him- his two chamberlains Will I with wine and wassail so convince That memory, the warder of the brain, Shall be a fume and the receipt of reason A limbeck only. When in swinish sleep Their drenched natures lie as in a death,

Macbeth: Hey, actually . . . I've been thinking, maybe we should just chill for a bit, forget all about the whole “I'll be King someday” thing. King Duncan's an okay guy when it comes down to it. The people love him, and besides, he's given us lots of stuff!

Lady Macbeth: You know something? I'm really starting to get tired of this sort of thing. What are you, bi-polar or something?

I mean, anyone can say they'll be King someday. Afraid to get your hands a little dirty, is that it? Be a man, for crying out loud!

Macbeth: Hey, I do lots of manly stuff! Didn't you see how much blood I had on my tunic earlier?

Lady Macbeth: And now that you're back home your balls have dropped off, is that it?

I mean, nobody's asking you to kill your own baby or anything! And even they were, at least I might have the balls to do it! Unlike my husband. . .

Macbeth: (glumly) Yes, dear. But . . . what if everything goes horribly wrong?

Lady Macbeth: Look, do exactly what I say, and there's no way we can fail!

Here's what we do – we get him good and sauced. He's halfway there already. He'll head to bed, and then I'll fix his guards a nightcap.

Lady Macbeth (continued)What cannot you and I perform upon The unguarded Duncan? What not put upon His spongy officers, who shall bear the guilt Of our great quell?

Macbeth Bring forth men-children only, For thy undaunted mettle should compose Nothing but males. Will it not be received, When we have mark'd with blood those sleepy two Of his own chamber and used their very daggers, That they have done't?

Lady MacbethWho dares receive it other, As we shall make our griefs and clamor roar Upon his death?

MacbethI am settled and bend up Each corporal agent to this terrible feat. Away, and mock the time with fairest show: False face must hide what the false heart doth know.

Exeunt.

Lady Macbeth (continued): Once they're out cold, we slip in, kill Duncan, and then frame his guards so that it looks like they killed him!

Macbeth: Okay, fess up – you're actually a ninja.

So, we plant their own bloody daggers on them, and everyone thinks they did it, right?

Lady Macbeth: Who would think otherwise? We'll be crying just as hard as everyone else when it's been announced that he's dead! At least, you'd better be crying when it happens.

Macbeth: Yes dear . . . whatever you say. We'll do it your way, as usual. Oh, and remind me never to piss you off . . .

(They leave)