Shade of a Tree

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Prologue & Dedication i

I love the Redwoods.There is nothing on this great planet so awe-inspiring

as standing at the immense base of a 300-foot tree and

straining just to see the crown. These magnificent trees,

many of which have stood a millennium, are - to me

- almost proof alone that a divine force exists. Living

among the redwoods was definitely one of the consider-

ing reasons I moved to Eureka, California, before my

children were born.

When my oldest, Daniel, was less than three, we would

frequent a local park, embedded in a redwood forest.

Although Eureka will never be known for heat spells

(the redwoods grow here because they need fog), my son

inevitably wanted to find a shady place to rest after ex-

hausting us fighting invisible “bad guys” on the trampo-

line and slide. Since the nearest shady location was the

public lavatory, I remember him pointing to that small

isolated building and requesting we get some shade “in

that little house.”

I looked toward the rest rooms and thought about this

request. The idea of spending time on a cement floor

among steel toilets and industrial sinks to rejuvenate us

Prologue & Dedication ii

seemed to be a bit odd. That however would not be the

perspective of a two year old; attaching no particular

ambience to public rest rooms. I, as an adult, found the

thought unappealing. But to be honest I didn’t have a

reason - short of the obvious (at least to grown-ups) - as

to why I didn’t want to go relax among the scent and

sights of stalls and urinals. Since my son was still diaper-

clad and did not yet need the use of the local facilities,

his need for the rest room was non-existent.

“The shade is better in the trees,” I said, pointing a few

hundred yards away to the forest that ringed the park.

“Let’s go there instead.”

Faced with the immediate closeness of the outhouse or

the far-flung distance of the greenery, his decision was

instant. He shook his head, “I’d rather get shade in the

little house.”

“No,” I repeated, “I really think it’s better in the trees.”

“Why?” came the common question from the ever-in-

quisitive, small man.

Aside from the unappealing environment of a public toi-

let, I really could not provide a reason. I thought of how

many times over the years I needed the refuge of shade

and had found it in the shadow of a garage, next to a

Prologue & Dedication iii

house, or even next to parked truck. Although I guess

one could technically say, “shade is shade is shade,” and

there was no difference, many of my fondest memories

involve sitting under a grand aged oak tree in Michi-

gan on hot sunny days talking with my friends. There

seemed a soft, refreshing, coolness and even a safety -

not provided by anything else - under those leaves. That

tree not only shaded, it cooled and watched over us. Its

long curving branches and sturdy trunk provided a safe

haven from a world we as children were yet to face.

For the first time in a very long time, I thought about

those carefree days and decided my son needed to share

in those memories. It was strange that my son, who had

been on this planet less than 1,000 days, had brought

decades-old memories back to me. I smiled softly, turned

to him and said, “Remember this always: the shade of a

tree is the very best shade there is. That is why we want

to walk to the forest.”

As if this little toddler, wearing nothing but a tee shirt

and a wad of diaper, could understand the memories

and feelings associated with my reasoning, he took one

last look back at the outhouse, turned toward the for-

est, and together, his hand grabbing my index finger, we

Prologue & Dedication iv

walked - father and son - into the shade of the redwoods.

To this day, both my sons (now grown) will tell you, “The

shade of a tree is the very best shade there is.”

To Daniel and Brandon, my sons, who have reminded

me of the colorful sweetness of age, I dedicate this book.

Thank you for all you have given me. I cannot put into

words how much pride I have when I look at you. I look

forward to our next chapters for decades to come. Find

shade whenever you can.

I love you.

September, 2003

Dear Reader: I hope you enjoy my collection of thoughts.

Should you wish to share your feelings - or need to contact

me, please do so at 707.442.6243 or

[email protected]. Thank you.



The shade of a tree is the very best shade there is.

The Shade of a Tree 2

Believe that everything

happens for the best.


If you can't have faith, have

hope.

If you don’t have hope,

have patience.

If you’re short on

patience, have good

friends.


Willpower is not the ability

to say “No,” It’s the

ability to say “not right

now.”

Use it when in doubt.

You can always change

your mind later.


Understand no matter how

well you plan, you will

still face obstacles.

But failing to plan

creates even more

obstacles.


Realize that even love

might cause some pain.

Lack of love will

definitely cause much

pain.


Never borrow without

asking.

If you do borrow,

return it on time and

in the same condition

you borrowed it.


Respect other people’s

boundaries, both physical

and emotional.


Take a moment each

day to realize how

fortunate you are

– especially when it

doesn’t seem like it.


When you don’t know

what to do, it’s OK to

take some time to think

about it.


You don’t need to know all

the answers.

Admit it when you don’t.

Seek to find out.


It is wiser to under-

promise and over-

deliver than the

opposite.


Never use more than

one credit card at a

time.

Always pay it in

full.


Donate something to

charity each month;

even it’s only your

time.


Buy small gifts for

people – especially

when they don’t

expect them.

Remember you’re

“a people” too.


Watch small children;

they are the most

“real” of all of us.

Learn from them.

Never consider

yourself too mature to

act child-like.

But not childish.


Call your father. He

will always “be

there.”

But not necessarily

on your timetable.


Understand that even

the best relationships

cause some pain.

But if the pain is too

great, you have a right

to leave – with dignity

and grace.


Before you leave a

relationship, tell

the other person in

advance.

Give them an

opportunity to correct

the problem.

Be patient while they

try.


Realize that you too will be

the source of problems

in relationships.

Don’t feel guilty about it

– but work on yourself

as much as you ask

others to do the same.


Therapy is the “tune

up” that keeps your

emotional and

spiritual engine

running well. Don’t

be ashamed to see a

counselor.

Start when you don’t

yet need to.


Don’t mess with your

mortgage or the IRS.


Every day do one thing

that makes you

uncomfortable but

helps you reach your

goals.


Remember, “if you always

do what you’ve always

done, you’ll always be

where you’ve always

been.”

In other words, when

you get tired of walking

into walls, look for a

door.


It is acceptable to change

your mind. Just make

sure you tell others who

will be affected.

Realize they might

disagree. If that

happens, listen to

what they say; they just

might be right.


Don’t wait to do something

“when things settle down.”

They will only “settle

down” at the end of your

life.

When that happens, it

won’t matter anymore.


Ask questions more than

give answers.

Listen without judgment

to the reply.


When hiring, choose

people who you think

are smarter and better

than you. Then, learn

from them.

It’s a sign of YOUR skill

if you have a great staff

– NOT if you can do it

the best.


Give credit to others.

Accept responsibility

for yourself. Never

pass blame.


Remember you cannot

control anybody but

yourself.

If you try, you’ll drive

both of you crazy.


Don’t let anybody else

run your life. However,

if you let somebody

else into your life,

expect that they’re

going to want to help

steer.

Let them.


If you ever find yourself

saying, “I told you

1,000 times…” that

means you’re not

communicating.

It does not mean they

are not listening.


Realize many times anger

is a mask for sadness

or fear. Take time to

understand which one

is really happening.

Anger pushes others

away. Fear causes you

to move away. Sadness

indicates a need to be

close.

Respond appropriately.


Most times, wisdom is

found in the silence,

not the talking.


Wealth and success are

the natural results of

treating others with

integrity, honesty,

patience, and love.

Do not pursue the

former; do the latter.


The true measure of

honesty is what you

do when no one else

is looking. Many

times, its rewards seem

invisible.

They never are.


Make sure every

financial deal rewards

all concerned as

much as possible. If

it’s not in balance for

all, walk away. It will

eventually fall apart

anyway.


Understand that giving

takes more strength

than taking.

Do both with grace.


You cannot own

something until you

say “Thank You” for it.

Give thanks for as

much as you can; it

brings you more.


There are rules to the

universe that cannot

be broken nor changed

to suit your whims and

fantasies.

Protesting against them

will not help.

Instead, learn them and

use them wisely.


The key to happiness is

to understand that

a “good” life is not

a “perfect” life. It is

simply a good life

“more times than not.”

Strive to make it

“many more times

than not” but

understand that there

will still be “nots.”


Take time to be alone more

often than you think you

need to.

Know that “alone” is not

“lonely” – unless you

choose to make it so.


Go to a movie by yourself

once in awhile. Go out

of town by yourself at

least once a year – even

if it’s only for a day.


Tip well. Pay more than the

minimum. But don’t be

extravagant.


If you violate someone’s

trust, ask what you can

do.

If nothing is possible,

accept it with dignity

and apologize.


There is always another

choice.

You just might not like

the choice.


When in a crisis, it’s

better to ask “HOW

do I get out of here?”

rather than “WHY am

I here?”

When the crisis is over,

figure out why.


People will love you even if

you make mistakes.

They just expect you to

admit them and to try

and correct them.


Before getting angry, ask,

“Will anybody really

know or care about this

five years from now?”

If the answer is “no,”

take a deep breath and

relax. Most things will

be “no.”


Check your body language

regularly. If you’re not

smiling, do so. If you find

that you’re frowning a

great deal, seek help.


Realize that no matter how

far away your father is

physically, I am part of

you spiritually.


Running your own life will

not be as easy as you like.

But it will be easier than

you expect.


Look for your successes

but don’t deny your

“failures.”

Realize that it’s how you

label them that matters.


When your children

(or employees) do

something wrong, don’t

break the spirit, change

the behavior.


You have all the resources

you need to accomplish

whatever you want.

Realize everyone else

does too.

Help each person find

his or hers. Ask for help

in using yours.


Help as many people as

you can along your way.

Remember those who

helped you when you’ve

“made it.”

Thank them regularly.

Help others in their

fashion.


Keep an appointment

book (or computer)

and check it regularly.

If you’re going to be

more than 10 minutes

late (or early), call.

If others are within

ten minutes, consider

them “on time.”


There is no such thing

as "failure", merely

"feedback."

But you might have to

change your view (a lot!)

to sometimes see it that

way.


The road to success

sometimes seems like a

four lane superhighway

with traffic moving at

70 miles per hour on

a sunny day. At times,

it seems like a two-lane

highway in rush hour

on a cloudy morning.

Periodically, it will be

a third-world goat trail

in a tropical downpour

and all you have is a

machetes. But, you are

never off the path.


You are physical, logical,

emotional, and spiritual.

Use all parts as often as

you can.


Walk whenever possible.


Buy a great bicycle – and use

it.


Realize that time goes by

amazingly fast. Use it

well.

Don’t fear its passing.


To forgive is more powerful

than to condemn.


Balance your checkbook

every month.

Always know how much

money you have in your

checking account, your

wallet, and on your

credit card.


Talk to older people. Their

views will be different

but they have wisdom

you can use.

Besides, someday you

will be in those shoes.


Listen to as many ideas as

you can.

Even if you don’t use

it, you don’t have the

option if you don’t listen

to it.


Chicken is healthier

than Beef. Soy

is healthier than

Chicken. Vegetables are

healthier if they’re not

fried. Try fish once in

awhile – even if it’s just

tuna.


If your long term

relationship seems like

all work and no play

for a long time, it’s in

trouble.

If it’s all play and no

work for a long time,

it’s not real – and it

won’t last when things

get tough. (And all

relationships have tough

times.)


There are two laws in the

universe: Gravity and

the 80/20 Rule. Eighty

percent of all results will

come from 20% of all

the effort.

Learn to identify that

20%.


Prioritize. Understand

you cannot do it all.

No one can.

Be patient when they

don’t.


What you are feeling

right now is real. It is

no one’s job to change

what you feel or tell you

it’s not real.

That said, someone

else’s take on your

feelings might be

valuable.


Nobody makes anybody

feel anything. We learn

to react to events by

feeling certain ways.

We can learn to react

differently if we want to.

It won’t always be easy

but it might be worth it.


The learning process

evolves.

We get better at it the

more we do it.


Your attitude shows – even

if you think it’s hidden.

Don’t deny it.

Strive to make it positive

more times than not.


Your life will be made of the

total of all the behaviors

you choose. Your

behaviors will be made

based on your attitude.

Your attitude is made

from your feelings. Your

feelings are made from

your thoughts.

Therefore, to make your

life happier, make your

thoughts happier.


Learn from each person

with whom you work. I

learned the most from

those I thought I’d learn

the least.


A positive attitude with poor

skills is more likely to

help you succeed than

great skills with a poor

attitude.

But, work on your skills

anyway.


“Not to decide” is

indeed to make a

decision.


When you meet someone

you think is going to be

important in your life,

go slowly. Spend your

first four dates talking.

Never stop listening.


In conflict, begin each

sentence with “I feel…”

rather than “You did…”

Don’t interrupt during

the reply.


Look at conflict not as

opposing forces - but

as the opportunity to

correct a problem.


Think in the gray areas.

Limiting yourself to

black and white ideas

will inhibit you.


Know there is a greater

force than your own.

Ask for guidance.

Be silent long enough to

hear the answer.


Learn about your past

before it’s too late.

It is a part of you and

therefore will help

shape your future.


No matter what job you do,

do it as well as you can.

Even if you don’t like it.


A compliment denied

is punishment self-

inflicted.

Accept compliments

graciously.

Always say “Thank

you.”


Give at least as many

compliments as you get.

Make them sincere.


Vote!

But educate yourself on

the issues.


Be gentler to your brother.

He will be your longest

relationship.

Make it a good and fair

one.


Keep your room cleaner.

It doesn’t have to be

“neat,” just “cleaner.”


Organization creates calm.

Decisions terminate

panic.


Don’t let your “big but”

get in the way of

rewarding yourself. In

other words, when you

start to realize that

you’re making progress,

don’t say “but I have

so much more to go.”

Congratulate yourself on

the success. Then move

forward.


Very rarely – if at all

– does anyone want to

change. It’s the results

of the change that

motivate us.

Keep your eyes on that;

as focusing on the

process of change can

be frustrating at times.


Focus on how far you’ve

come, not how far you

have to go.

But keep moving

forward.


You will never have your

"act together" because

you will always find new

things to work on. But

keep working on getting

it "together" anyway.

Just learn to enjoy the

process as much as you

can.


Conserve resources.

The universe is

unlimited – but that’s

no reason to waste it.


Cook with less oil.

Stay away from too much

soda. Drink water when

you go out to eat.

Eat five fruits and

vegetables a day. (If it's

fried, it doesn't count.)


Addictions start quietly

and without notice.

Don’t be paranoid

about them – but do

be vigilant.


Every goal is an unlimited

number of smaller goals.

When discouraged, break

down your goal into

smaller goals until you

feel you can take a step

– no matter how small.

Then do so.


Take pride in what you

do well. But be humble

about it.

Others will notice

if you’re good at

something.


It’s OK to ask someone

to praise you once in

awhile.

Do the same in

response.


Sex is better when it’s

tender and loving.

That happens when

you know someone

better.

Take that extra time to

do so.


Understand your children

will never have been

parents before - but you

will have been a child.

Use that wisdom when

you parent.


When you get scared,

focus on Today.

Tomorrow will take

care of itself.


There are tools to life you

do not have right now.

You will have them when

you need them.

There are tools you no

longer need. It’s OK to

let them go.


There is a positive

intention in everything

each person does.

Always look for it;

although at times, it’s

hard to find.

But if you can find it, it

will help you deal with

people better - and

enjoy your life more.


It’s OK to say “goodbye”

to old friends.

Do it with dignity

and forgiveness (if

necessary).


Four words you need to

know are “Yes,” “No,”

“Ouch,” and “Next.”

Learn to use each one

well and appropriately.


You can always come

home.

But your room will no

longer feel the same.


Try to remember that as

you grow and change,

so does everyone

around you.

Remember that is one

of the commonalities

that ties us all

together.


Families don’t always look

the same. You can be

part of several at once.

You are.


Honor each culture

and every religion.

Never put any above

any others.


Learn about money and

how it works.

Then teach me.


Money does not create

evil - that is a reflection

of who you are inside.

If you treat people well -

regardless of how much

money you have - you

will continue to treat

people that same way

when you have money.

Moreover, treating

others well will help you

earn more money.


Do what you love, the

money will follow.

There are times in any

job where you will not

make money. If you love

what you do, you will

persevere through those

times - and ending up

making more money in

the end.


Prosperity is not about

money. It is about how

you feel.

Accept prosperity

whenever you can; it

comes in many forms.


Never laugh at the expense

of someone else - but

laugh whenever possible.

You don’t know when

you’ll cry.


Sadness can be cleansing.

Don’t be afraid of it; it

won’t kill you.

It might feel like it

though.


“Should” is the word

used by the invisible

committee of “They” to

run your life.

Do things because you

“need to,” “want to,”

or because you’d want

to be treated the same

way if the roles were

reversed.


Don’t swear so much.

It makes you appear

less intelligent.


Words matter; use them

well.

Even the little things

you say have impact.


There is a chain of

generation after

generation that has

come together to help

make you who you are.

Listen for them when

you face doubt. They

will not let you down.


Look at the world with

awe as often as

possible.

It is possibly the most

natural state of being

- and therefore brings

us closer to who we

really are.


Don’t deny your

feelings.

But don’t over

indulge them either.


Don’t ever tell your children

to do something with the

reason being: “Because

I’m your father, that’s

why!”

Take the time to explain

the reason. It's more

time-consuming but

it makes you a better

parent.

(They still need to do it

though - even if they don't

agree.)


Do not spank your

children. It only instills

fear.

Do not confuse that

statement with "Do not

discipline your children."

Never discipline "to get

even."

Make sure the discipline

teaches a constructive

lesson.


Assume your children will

grow up well – but watch

over them anyway.


Never, ever, touch

anybody in a fashion

that they don’t want to

be touched even if you

mean to be loving.

"Don't do that" means

exactly that.


Yelling can be as abusive as

hitting.

Getting louder does not

get the message across

any better. Quite the

contrary, it generates

barriers.


Be compassionate

– especially when you

don’t want to.


Perception is reality.

If someone feels

something - whether or

not you do - then they feel

it.

If you can figure out how

to help them feel safe in

what they feel, they will

do the same with you.

And you'll both get what

you want.


“Man plans, God

laughs."

Zlate Zelby

(1899-1984)


“The Greatest Good is in

all things at all times.”

Ruth Marcus

(1925 - 2000)

When your child moves

out, take some time to

write down something

like this.

I don't know if he'll

appreciate it but you'll

sure feel good.


F or additional copies of this book - or to learn more about how I might be able to help you when you need a speaker, please contact me at 707.442.6234 or toll free at 866.SMARCUS. You can also reach me at my website: www.scottqmarcus.com.

Thank you for purchasing this book. I am flattered and honored,

Treat yourself special. Don’t weight to change.



Shade of a Tree

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