lssue 64/Chanukah 5772

Bringing Warmthinto Our LivesEight Ways to Banish the Darkness/16Hazorim Bedimoh Berinoh Yiktzoru/22PCOS and Diet/64My Infertility Resume/80

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Mid-Atlantic Region:Tel: 443.220.2702

Email: midatlantic@atime.org• Baltimore • Washington

•Virginia •Delaware

FloridaEmail: florida@atime.org

Monsey:25 Robert Pitt Dr

Monsey NY, 10952Tel: 845.517.4347Monsey@atime.org

Canada:Small WondersTel 416.742.0090

England:Tel: 797.328.6827Email: atime.london@gmail.com79 Fairholt Road, London, N165EW

Israel:Tel: 0523.770.444Email: israel@atime.org

Services24 Hour Referral Helpline • ATIME Publications • Book & Audio Libraries• Committee for Halacha & Technology • Family Builder Program • Phone Support Groups• Insurance Advocacy & Support • Medical Referrals & Research • Menorah Adoption Project • National Medical Conferences • Online Support Network • Peer support • Pregnancy-Loss SupportProgram/ Extreme Grief Services • Refuah Network • Seminars/Educational Events • Shabbos Near the Hospital • Support Groups • Website • Weekend Retreats

Founder & President/Rabbi Shaul Rosen

Director of Medical Affairs/Rabbi Mordechai KoenigDirector of Referral Services/ Rebbitzen Mindy LandauDirector of Services for Pregnacy loss/Mrs. Malky KlaristenfeldDirector of Member Services/Mrs. Brany RosenDirector of Devolopement/Mr. Sender Gluck

Board of Directors• Avrumie Ausch • Moshe Blum • Naftali Einhorn • Yechiel Eisenstadt • Benyamin Feit • Shabsifuchs • Rabbi Aron Grossman • Avi Hager • David Jacobowitz • Alter Katz • Rabbi Dovid Lefkowitz• Rabbi Sendy Ornstein • Moshe Dov Stern • Rabbi Aron Twersky • Rabbi Benyamin Weiser• Rabbi Naftuli Weiss • Shmuel Zafir

Medical Advisory Board• Samuel Bender, M.D •.Alan Berkeley, M.D. •Jessica Brown, M.D. • Natan Bar-Chama, M.D. •Jerome Check, M.D. • Matthew Cohen • Owen Davis, M.D. • Dan Goldschlag, M.D. • Marc Goldstein,M.D.• Richard Grazi, M.D. • Victor Grazi, M.D. • Jamie Grifo, M.D. • Lawrence Grunfeld, M.D.• Joshua Hurwitz, M.D, • Peter McGover, M.D. • Nachum Katlowitz, M.D. •Harvey Kleinman, M.D.• Zalmen Levine, M.D. • Harry J. Lieman • Prof. Bruno Lunenfeld • Steven Palter, M.D.• Darius Paduch, M.D. •Andrei Rebarber, M.D. • Zev Rosenwaks, M.D. • Daniel Salzman, M.D.• Mark V. Sauer, M.D. • Geoffrey Sher, M.D. •Jonathan Schiff, M.D. • Peter Schlegel, M.D.• Sherman Silber, M.D. • Michael Silverstein, M.D. • Eli Rybak, M.D. • Richard Scott, Jr. M.D. • GlenL. Schattman, M.D. • Aaron Weinreb, M.D. • Michael Zinger, M.D.

Support Services Advisory Board• Mrs. Sara Barris, Ph.D. - Program Director • Mrs. Miriam Fishoff - Program CoordinatorMrs. Brany Rosen • Mrs. Dassy Stern • Mrs. Feige Singer • Mrs. Joy Ehrman • Mrs. MyriamKalchstein • Mrs. Rachel Welfeld • Mrs. Rivky Bertram • Mrs. Sara Barris• Mrs. Sara Selengut • Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz

StaffStaff Advisor/Blimy SteinbergShabbos Near the Hospital Program Coordinators/Chaya Kar, Vivienne MoskowitzPregnancy-Loss Program Coordinator/Malkie KlaristenfeldDirector of Volunteers/Perry EcksteinDirector of Community Affairs/Alter KatzMedical Consultant/Vivienne MoskowitzSecretary/Liba SimonowitzOffice Manager/Chanie BlumenbergBookkeeper/Chesky ZenwirthAdministrative Assistant/Ruchy ReinmanEvent Coordinator/Miriam FishoffInsurance Advocacy/Zissy NeustadtHashgocha/Rabbinical Supervision Coordinator/Devoiry LangsamMailing Coordinator/Gitty GreenLibrary Coordinator/Shaindy BlauPeer Support Coordinator/Goldie GlauberGraphic Designer/Chanoch Glick

Helpline StaffHelpline Director: Rebbetzin LandauHelpline Coordinator: Esty Zafir

• Esty Bernstein •Shaindy Blau • Goldie Blum • Raizy Eigner• Shani Feit • Goldie Glauber • YehudisGrunwald- Chevy Jacobs • Chaya Kar • Malky Klaristenfeld• Devoiry Langsam • Elky Miller • Vivienne Moskowitz •Chaya Gitty Nissin - Feigy Schneid• Faigy Singer, RN• Miriam Tisser • Rivky Wezberger

• Rabbi Mordechai Koenig • Rabbi Chaim Aron Unger

Rabbonim trained by the A TIME Institute of Halacha and Technology (see page 89)A listing of mashgichos is available by request only.

Magazine & PublicationsEditors/ Perry Ekstein • Devoiry Goralnik • Mindy Lowy • Chana Ruchy FriedYiddish Editors/Yitzchok Ekstein • Yoel Z. Lowy • Chaya R. Vitriol

A special thanks to Mrs. Ruchy Reinman for making this Magazine possible

List of Extensions for Main Office: Membership/111

Insurance Advocacy/112Pregnancy Loss/113

IVF Failure Survival/113Shabbos Near the Hospital Program/114

Shabbos Courier Services/114Adoption/116

Rabbi Chaim Aron Unger/Private Consultaion/117Mrs. Chani Blumenberg/Office Manager/200

Mr. Chesky Zenwirth/Bookkeeper/201Mrs. Ruchy Reinman/Accounts Receivable/202Rabbi Shaul Rosen/Founder and President/204

Mrs. Miriam Fishoff/Events Coordinator/205Mrs. Liba Simonowitz/Secretary/206

Rebetzin Mindy Landau/Helpline Director/207Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz/Medical Consultant/208

Mrs. Shaindy Blau/Libraries Director/209Rabbi Mordechai Koenig/Medical Consultant/210

Mr. Chanoch Glick/Graphic Artist/211Mrs. Brany Rosen/Director of Member Services/212

Rabbi Yoel Teitelbaum/Gabbai Tzeddaka/214Mrs. Devoiry Langsam/Supervision Hashgacha/280

Helpline and Guidance/501

A TIME welcomes your signed letters, articles and poems. Allsuggestions, comments and constructive criticisms are welcome. Allsubmissions become the property of A TIME and may be edited for

length and clarity. Articles and letters published in A TIME express theviews of the individual writers and may not necessarily represent the

views of A TIME. Please address all correspondence to:A TIME 1310 48th Street, Suite 406, Brooklyn, NY 11219

or email: admin@atime.org

A TIME, a non-profit organization that supports and educates those inthe Jewish community experiencing infertility, publishes this

newsletter 4 times annually (April, June, September, and December).A TIME does not assume responsibility for the kashruth or reliability ofany product or establishment advertised in its pages. We reserve the

right to reject any advertising for any reason. We shall not be heldliable for non-publication of any submitted advertisements.

Office: A TIME, 1310 48th Street, Suite 406, Brooklyn, NY 11219.

Main Office:1310 48th Street, Suite 406 Brooklyn, NY 11219

Phone: 718.686.8912 • Fax: 718.686.8927Helpline: 718.437.7110 or helpline@atime.org

Email: admin@atime.orgHashgacha: 212.260.0790 or supervision@atime.org

www.ATIME.org

Table of Content

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3EditorialLetter from the Editor 4Timeline 6Greetings 8

ChizukLight Up the Night 10The Tea Cup 14Eight Ways to Banish the Darkness 16Snow in the Fall 20Hazorim Bedimoh Berinoh Yiktzoru 22The Weeping Willow Tree 25Gam Zu L’tova 26A Blessing in Disguise 29My Loyal Companions 30

Chizuk from WithinThe Whole Point 32Bound Through Struggles 36Sparks of Connection 44A Sense of Belonging 46Interview 50The Storm 54

SupportPower of Emotions 56Daunting Dilemmas 60How to Treat Yourself After a Loss 62

MedicalOptimizing Male Fertility 63PCOS and Diet 64IVM: In Vitro Maturation 68Ask the Doctor 74

HumorMy Infertility Resume 80The Out of Body Experience 8219 Reasons 84

Forums 86

Yiddish Section 96-113

A Time was founded in memory of:rw hrnhw c”r tvri g”v • rw nrsfh g”v c”r tprho ruzi b”h

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113

Dear Friends,

It has been a long time. Looking back at the past twoyears since we have last gone to print, you might be envi-sioning a terrain stretching endlessly, an expanse of waitingand setbacks and disappointments – a vast plane of con-necting and becoming stronger and growing through chal-lenges.

Looking from a different perspective, it has been theshortest of times. The days have merged into weeks, thenmonths. The months have marched by in a blur of seasonsand years, and once more we are in the midst of the winter,blinking, unbelieving that we are at the threshold ofChanukah again.

It is the coldest of times, when frost hovers over our ex-istence and the winter doldrums set in, banishing us fromthe unfriendly outdoors and sending us indoors to be shel-tered from the elements. It’s the time of harsh winds, drop-ping temperatures, and bone-numbing cold.

And yet, it’s the warmest of times. What can be toastier

than keeping snug in our heated homes and drinking warmteas on long winter nights? The warmth of Chanukah; thecandles cast their homey glow as we feel cozy and warm ina circle of kedusha and inspiration.

It is the happiest of times. Chanukah parties and dreid-lach and deep fried goodies; music and laughter fill up ourChanukah days as we sing songs of praise to Hashem forthe miracles He had performed to help us defeat our ene-mies. We are surrounded by our family and festivity andjoy.

And yet, it’s the saddest of times. Amidst the cama-raderie of families and friends reuniting, we observe fromthe sidelines, finding it hard to fully partake in the celebra-tion. We feel abandoned, dropped off the bandwagon oflife moving on, as once again, we arrive to the parties alone.

Paradoxes exist. Paradoxes especially exist in our lives.We can feel such joy and such sadness simultaneously – forthe very same reason. We can feel so cold in a societywhose dictates we are not following, yet feel so warm atbeing chosen and growing through this nisayon.

In search of a historical paradox we can go back in time

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Letter from the Editor

to the year 3622, Nes Chanukah: The Bais Hamikdosh wasin ruins. The holiest of all places, the symbol of Yiddishkeit,the place where Hakadosh Baruch Hu has chosen as Hisplace of residence was contaminated and its keilim de-stroyed. What greater sadness and shame could Yidden ex-perience? And behold! The pach shemen was found, the oilnecessary to keep the menorah burning. And miracle ofmiracles! This pach shemen, containing oil adequate forone day, burned for eight days, until a fresh batch of she-men zayis zach was ready for use.

Amidst the destruction, in their holy Bais Hamikdoshruined beyond recognition, the Yidden celebrated. Theypraised and sang! They thanked Hashem from the depthsof their hearts. They were so happy, even as they grievedat the state of Hashem’s palace.

We, too, might sometimes feel like our homes are in-complete. Our mikdosh me’at, ready and waiting, is lack-ing that which we wish for to make it whole. We feeldestitute-stripped of what we so desperately want andyearn for. And yet, let us celebrate for what is intact; aconnection with Hashem, our Emunah, our ability, likeoil, to rise above circumstances and use each challengeas a stepping stone to grow from.

Let us find the light within the darkness we see. Ascontradictory as it may seem, let us focus on the lightand bring it into our lives.

A famous question is asked by the Bais Yosef: Why isit that we celebrate eight days of Chanukah if the actualnes was only seven days? The first day was no miracle, asthere was enough oil for that one day.

There are many answers to this question, but one veryprofound and pertinent answer, which reads as follows:

Nature in itself is a miracle. Because our eyes are soimmune to the workings of nature, we don’t realize how

miraculous it is. We take it for granted that the sun risesevery morning, that grass grows in the spring, and thatoil burns. But no, the fact that oil burns is a miracle in it-self! As such, we celebrate Chanukah for eight days.

How strong this message is! We so often feel thatnothing short of a miracle can help us. According to thelaws of nature, where the medical world is concerned,statistic-wise, there’s no hope! Let us not forget: Naturein itself is a miracle. The same One who has created Hisworld to run according to what we perceive as “natural”is the One who performs supernatural miracles. Nothingis impossible for Him, so just keep on hoping and daven-ing.

Wishing you all a wonderful, warm, and happyChanukah. May you all be zoche to see the light and ex-perience your personal Chanukah miracles.

The Editors

We would love to hear from you! Please email your com-ments and suggestions to magazine@atime.org

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Let us find the lightwithin the darkness wesee. As contradictory as itmay seem, let us focus onthe light and bring it intoour lives.

Dear Friends,

The A TIME Board of Directors, staff, and volunteers arethrilled to bring you this beautiful issue of Shaarei Tikva.

It is only with the extreme devotion of the A TIME fam-ily that we can once again offer this comforting and inform-ative magazine, and we thank them profusely.

I am sure that all of you receiving this magazine will ben-efit greatly from this work of heart.

I am thrilled to once again write the A TIME Timeline.

I can hardly believe that A TIME has hit its nineteenthyear! It was only yesterday that the dream of an organiza-tion to help couples struggling with IF was only that, ADream. Baruch Hashem, nineteen years later, we have be-come a world renowned resource for anything related tofertility.

We know and feel that Hashem has been with us everystep of the way.

Baruch Hashem, in these nineteen years, fertility hascome out of the closet and we have been zoche to see manywalls come down.

The A TIME Helpline, established in 1993 by Doctor NeilGoldberg and Mrs. Esty Zafir, is run by our very esteemedRebbetzin Mindy Landau and assisted by Mrs. VivienneMoskowitz, Rabbi Chaim Aron Ungar, and RabbiMordechai Koenig along with many devoted volunteers.The helpline offers referrals and guidance for any type ofreproductive and gynecological issue.

Over the years our medical experts have establishedgreat relationships with leading physicians and are able toassist in the most efficient manner. All the medical expertson the helpline, train...train and train. They are always ex-ploring the newest options. They visit centers, attend med-ical presentations, and constantly talk to the physicians.

Having experienced infertility themselves, their passionto help is really felt. Private consultations are available inour offices by appointments.

A TIME helpline: (718) 437-7110

helpline@atime.org

Private consultations (718) 686-8912 or emailadmin@atime.org.

Every day Mashgichim and Mashgichos are dispatchedto do Hashgacha for medical procedures in worldrenowned laboratories. Access to these prestigious labara-tories is a great accomplishment.

Baruch Hashem, now the sight of a mashgiach in the lab-oratory is normal. Our team of mashgichim are the mostincredible, devoted group. With Rabbi Ausch, Rabbi Ungar,and Rabbi Koenig constantly overseeing the hashgacha pro-gram, we always are at the cutting edge of medicine andHalacha.

Mrs. Devoiry Langsam coordinates this program withher excellent organizational skills and the most warm andwonderful personality.

Supervision can be ordered by calling (212) 260-0790 oremail supervision@atime.org.

The Shabbos Near the Hospital Program, run with somuch love by Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz and Mrs. ChayaKar, is Baruch Hashem an extremely established program.

Along with the regular set-ups for Shabbos, they alsoarrange a courier service for blood pick up on Shabbos. I al-ways say that no one goes into Shabbos with as manyzechusim as them. Through the years they have establishedmany host homes, meals, precious contacts, and more.

To arrange for a Shabbos near the hospital or courierservice call Vivienne (917) 783-9514 vivi@atime.org Chaya(718) 258-5002.

Libraries were established by Mrs. Shaindy Blau in 1998.Shaindy’s love for books and knowledge is felt in all the lo-cations. Call (718) 686-8912 or email library@atime.org.

The Website, established by Mrs. Linda Franco in 1999,quickly became the new resource for support and informa-tion. Frequented by close to 8,000 people to date and runby a team of moderators from around the world, (Israel,England, and across the USA) the A TIME website has be-come the heartbeat of infertility. Just log on and let it takeyou....

WWW.ATIME.ORG

The A TIME Institute of Halacha and Technology, estab-

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Timeline

T • I •M •E •L •I

lished in 2005, quickly became the authority on Halachaand Infertility.

Rabbonim in many communities have been trained byA TIME to become the best resource possible in Halachaand medicine.

See the Rabbonim list on the inside cover.

The Insurance Advocates were hired by A TIME in re-sponse to the incredible NY State Mandate. It took yearsof lobbying and demonstrations by A TIME for this to be-come a reality.

Insurance companies in the state of New York have tocover fertility treatments up to IVF. A State Grant was es-tablished to help with IVF. Baruch Hashem, our advocateshave saved couples thousands and thousands of dollars.For information about this program call (718) 686-8912 or(718) 437-7110 or helpline@atime.org.

Mrs. Miriam Fishoff, our event planner, gets amazingevents going around the world. From her desk in the mainA TIME office, things happen all over. While she is workingon really big events like the Shabbaton and the NationalMedical Conference she is still arranging doctors to speakin different locations, approving ads, working on phonesupport, ordering little gifts, posters, and arranging set-upsfor yet another event. What is truly amazing about Miriamis how easy she makes it seem; so incredibly organized withsuch flair, things just seem to happen with Miriam.

Phone Support established by Doctor Sara Barris has be-come the new way to join a support group from the privacyof your home. We have women joining from around theworld.

Get the schedule and try it. It can truly be life-altering.Our group leaders are from Boro Park, Flatbush, Lakewood,Bnei Brak, Queens, Bayswater, Kensington and even AtlantaGeorgia. For a complete schedule or information call (718)686-8912 extension 205 e-mail: events@atime.org

You can also text follow atimeevents to 40404 to gettweets about our future events.

Our Pregnancy Loss Support Program established in2001 by Mrs. Malkie Klaristenfeld is now a worldwide, well-recognized resource for this difficult nisayon.

Thanks to Mrs. Rochel Leah Grossman, and to our in-

credible staff, many locations around the world, as well ashospitals and birthing centers are supplied with loss pack-ets that are usually delivered by hand the very same day.This is followed by continued support.

If requested, Chevra Kadisha is arranged by our amazingteam. The grief program is run so expertly by Rabbi Y. D.Klar and Mrs. Malkie Klaristenfeld.

Volunteers are trained to be present when tragedy oc-curs and can help make informed and healing decisionswhen needed. Many a night has our volunteers pacing hos-pital floors in anticipation of these difficult births.

Medical decisions and quick securing of appointmentsto leading specialists are arranged if necessary. No onegoing through this challenge has to do this alone.

To reach our pregnancy loss support department ororder a packet call (718) 686-8912 during business hoursand after hours (917) 627-5528 or emailmalkiek@atime.org.

To order a packet email pregpacket@atime.org.

A TIME ISRAEL, A TIME UK, A TIME Mid Atlantic, ATIME Monsey, and A TIME Crown Heights soon joined theA TIME family and wonderful people run all thesebranches.

Hundreds of volunteers run programs around the worldand Baruch Hashem the A TIME family continues to growas we celebrate more and more simchas.

All of us in A TIME have one mission in mind: to helpmake this journey a quicker and easier one for all of you.Every program and service we offer (and I didn’t list themall) was established to help make your dream a reality.

All of us that live this nisayon become a future resourcefor another couple and I always say that we are the soldiersfor this cause. Get involved; make a difference... become anA TIME volunteer and march with us as we hope to bezoche to be marching with joy at your simchas.

Here for you,

Brany RosenDirector of Member Services

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We are Baruch Hashem experiencing a wet winterhere in Eretz Yisroel... May the shefa of bracha con-

tinue and spread.

Miriam Lieberman recently visited Eretz Yisroel and hosted anevening for ATIME members - what a wondrous opportunity tomeet the staff, volunteers, and otherwise "famous people" of ATIME-NY. Thank you Miriam!!

Our new telephone support groups are wildly successful, andwith Joy Ehrman we can now enjoy them from Israel and Europe,too! The first Sunday of every month is reserved for ourteleconferences with Joy, and they're so popular. If you haven't yetjoined a call, please be in touch with us for the schedule, call-innumber, and codes. You'll be happy you did!

Tele-meetings for SIF - specifically for women raising an "onlychild" - have just been initiated. The ability to connect with womenaround the country, whom you can truly relate to, from the comfort

of your own home, is so empowering. Thank you Dvarya!

Pregnancy Loss packets are available here in Eretz Yisroel, eitherby drop-off (some locations) or mail. Homemade chocolates are atouch that only living in a "small" community as ours can provide.If you or someone you know is in need of a packet, don't hesitate tocall. Rivka will have one out to you in no time, with confidentialityassured.

ATIME Israel's library has branched out in Ezras Torah-Bar Ilan,and we have new and updated books and tapes on the way. Dropby sometime!

The helpline and "office" can be reached at Israel@atime.org or052 377 0444. We're here for you; no question is too small. Be intouch if we can help in any way.

'Til next time,

Chanie

Greetingsfrom Rainy Yerushalayim!

Cross the Globe

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Thank you to all the wonderful and caring people whohave made this special magazine a reality! It was sorely

missed by all and we sure hope its back here now to stay!!

A TIME UK are excited to inform you that we arepreparing our ‘Third Annual Shabbaton’ for primary cou-ples, which will אי"ה take place in January. Look out forfurther details. We welcome couples from all over theworld!

Our השגחה program is ב''ה up and running smoothlyunder strict Halachic guidance. We have בעזהשי''ת

managed to gain access to many prestigious clinics, thus

broadening the option of obtaining the best treatment, inthe optimum center, for everyones individual needs.

Please note, that we are available for support andassistance 24 hours a day!

A TIME UK: +44 208 800 2153Suite 2, 107 Dunsmure Rd, London, N16 5HT

Email: admin@atime.org.uk

א געזונטן ווינטער to all!!

BritishBranching

Wake up in the dark of night, and you will craveto turn back under your covers. Awakening to

sunshine, in contrast, makes you desire to jump out of bed.Darkness is synonymous with negativity, gloom, anddespair. Light radiates positivity, happiness, and hope andis full of pulsating life. We definitely want to place ourselveson the right side of the equation and see the light. Yet, forsome of us out there, there are matters beyond our controlwhich seem to powerfully propel us to the darkness of thenight. How we wish to just be like everyone else goingthrough the system, enjoying the sunshine. Are we then to

be confined to the dark clouds until those matters take aturn for the better?

Obviously, in Hashem’s master creation, employing freewill as a major component, we have the power to light up,overcoming the nisyonos He sends our way. There is ashining light accessible to all of us, which we can cling toas our lifeline and battle the darkness threatening toenvelop us. Amidst this darkness, we have the option todelve a little deeper and see the bright light gleamingthrough.

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LightUp theNightThe Messageof the MenorahBy Yeshaya Rubin

Chizuk

Chanukah, as chazal have told us, is the festival of lights.It is only appropriate that we reflect on the message of thisholy yom tov and map out a battle plan accordingly,drawing inspiration from the numerous lessons of the yomtov on how to dispel the darkness and brighten up thenight.

Summarizing the observation of this yom tovimmediately strikes us with a thought-provoking reflection.We know that the focal point of this yom tov is the lightingof the menorah, which chazal instituted to celebrate thegreat miracle of the oil which supernaturally burned foreight days, even as it seemed that it was only sufficient forone day. But this leaves us to stop and ponder; what aboutall the other miracles? They are not commemorated withany action whatsoever. Even if we can comprehend the factthat we don’t fuss over physical salvation, there is still amajor spiritual victory which we could mention.1 We weresaved from the evil decrees of the Greek regime, who waspersistent in its actions to undermine Judaism andultimately forcefully assimilate the Jewish people intogeneral society, thereby wiping out the core of the Jew.Three central and fundamental pillars of Judaism wereoutlawed; the observance of the holy Shabbos, whosesafeguarding is akin to keeping the whole Torah,2 RoshChodesh, which is the very first mitzvah we werecommanded with, and milah, which is a seal of G-dlinessin an otherwise physical body.

Through the abundant mercy of our Father in heaven,in His wondrous ways, He delivered our enemies into ourhands. We overcame them physically and defeated theirhideous plans, thus allowing us to continue the existenceof our nation as a Jewish people, which by definition meansHis chosen nation who clings to His Torah. This in itself isworthy of mention. If, as we see, we commemorate thegreat miracle which gave us the ability to perform the onesingle mitzvah of menorah in its entirety, then, all the moreso, shouldn’t our miraculous salvation which enabled us topreserve our core essence be an even greater focus of our

celebrations? Why don’t we see anything along these lines?

In order to offer a sufficient explanation, it is necessaryto delve into the core of the term darkness, which isconstantly used in an analogical sense. It can be defined asthree main categories when used to describe anunfortunate negative experience.

Ignorance: One who isn’t aware of knowledge andintelligence is likened to a fool who gropes in the dark.Included in this category is the person who lets himself beovertaken by his physical lusts and desires; he chooses tostay in the dark and not see the light. These people arealluded to by Dovid HaMelech in tehillim as people who sitin the dark… for they have disobeyed the will of G-d.3

Shlomo HaMelech spells it out clearly in Koheles; theadvantage of wisdom as opposed to foolishness is akin tothe advantage of light over dark.4

Troubles and tribulations: The difficulties and sufferingswhich befall us over the course of our lives constitutedarkness, being that someone who is amidst them sees hisworld darken before his eyes.5 For this reason, our world,and especially when we are in exile amongst the nations, isreferred to as night, awaiting the dawn of redemption.6

Death: This is the ultimate darkness, the soul’s passingon from this world being referred to as sunset, with birthbeing sunrise.7

We, as mortals, can relate to all of the above in close

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It is only appropriate that wereflect on the message of thisholy yom tov and map out abattle plan accordingly, draw-ing inspiration from the nu-merous lessons of the yom tovon how to dispel the darknessand brighten up the night.

association, each on his or her level with different variationsand shades of darkness. Especially we, who yearn for themorning sunlight, for that shining face to start our day andbrighten up the night; we, who wait oh so long for thosecherubic faces to dispel and conquer the darkness thatthreatens to envelop us in its all-encompassing nature.

But for all that the darkness means to us, we need totake stock and focus on the source of our pain. Hashem isfilled with compassion and certainly does not will any badfor us. On the contrary, He has created this world for thesole purpose of bestowing good upon His creations8 and issorely distressed that we are painfully fumbling in the dark.He, for His part, wishes to grant us knowledge andintelligence and lead worry-free, infinite lives; only throughour misdeeds throughout the ages have we caused thedarkness of days, turning them into nights. Accordingly, Heis the only source we can turn to in order to reverse thesituation.

The ultimate antithesis of the darkness would be abrilliant light, the likes which would symbolize aneverlasting day. The definitive source of this light is our holyTorah, which is referred to as the Torah of light.9 With ouradherence to the Torah we are assured of knowledge andwisdom, freedom from troubles,10 and infinite life.11 Allthrough the generations we have survived solely on thebasis of maintaining our status as guardians of the Torah,which serves as our light, leading the way whilst providingus with life and sustenance.

Our enemies throughout history have utilized this fact

against us. When waging war upon us they immediatelypounced upon our Torah observance, seeking to set uphardships and stumbling blocks so that we loosen our gripon the Torah. The Romans went as far as outright banningTorah study, forcefully trying to detach us from the sourceof life. On the other hand, the Greeks realized that theycould never eliminate our connection with the Torah byforce, so they came up with cunning notions in order togradually wane us from our Torah observance.

By abolishing the holy mitzvah of milah, they attemptedto force the Jews to break the first and foremostprerequisite to learning Torah. The Torah will only residewithin someone who has been circumcised and previouslyallowed spirituality to make an everlasting impression uponhis body.12 Furthermore, with the breakdown of Shabbosand Rosh Chodesh, the Jews would be deprived of anothervital component required to facilitate the study of Torah,being that Shabbos13 and the festivals14 were instituted toprovide a setting which is conducive to learning Torah.With these principles absent, the Greeks would be well oncourse to view a total abandonment of the Torah,ultimately resulting in reaching their goal of annihilatingthe Jewish people. Appropriately, the Greek exile is referredto by chazal as darkness,15 considering their vigorous effortsto extinguish our light.

Now we can clearly see that the lights we kindle onChanukah are not only to salute the fact that we meritedto perform the mitzvah of menorah, but are essentially adisplay of the glorious light which has persevered alongwith us throughout the ages – the holy Torah, even during

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He has created this world for the sole purpose of bestowinggood upon His creations and is sorely distressed that we are

painfully fumbling in the dark.

“

the most trying of times. No matter how our enemies havetried to darken our days, we have overcome them andbrightened up the night. By kindling the light we arecelebrating the very essence of our nation, our clinging tothe eternal source of light which will shine forever.

As we sit and linger by the lights, let us try andinternalize their message. All through periods of darknessand pain, we have constantly let the light of the Torahshine through. We are all connected to the Torah and itsdeliverer, being that Hashem, His Torah and His people arebonded as one unit.16 Therefore, we can all bask in Hissunshine and relate to the bright light shining out there.The navi so aptly tells us:17 “As I sit in darkness Hashem ismy light.” Furthermore, the seforim18 have revealed to usan even deeper concept and have taken this a step higher,

stating that darkness is in reality an elevated light so brightthat it is blinding, therefore it is obscured and appears tous as darkness. It is this lofty level that is referred to intehillim as being Hashem’s choice of residence.

So, as we trek through the strenuous trail of life withits multitude of trials, let us concentrate on the fact thatwe are the beloved children of the Almighty Father inheaven and have the privilege of basking in His glow.Whilst sitting across the polished desk of the somber-faced physician, hearing him say, “I’m sorry to inform youbut…” close your eyes and contemplate the message ofthe lights. Delve through the darkness and see who weare, what we are, and who our Father is – and open youreyes to a brand new world, full of bright sunshinewrapping you in its light.

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13When waging war upon us they immediately pounced uponour Torah observance, seeking to set up hardships and stum-

bling blocks so that we loosen our grip on the Torah.

It’s at the darkest time of night thatdawn is just a wisp away.

neuru,:1(chbv kg,ho j"t srua t khnh jbufv ug"a hxus scrhbu/ 2(anhr, ac, aeuk fbds fk v,urv fukv )anu"r fv:h"c(/ 3(uragho cjal hsnu )a"t c:h"y( huach jal umknu, ufuw fh vnru tnrh t-k ),vhkho e"z:h – h"t(/ 4( ha h,rui kjfnv ni vxfku,fh,rui vtur ni vjal )evk, c:h"d(/ 5(guko jal cgsu )cbvsrhi fc/( guv"z sunv kkhkv/ 6(eunh turh fh ct turl )haghv x:t(/ 7(ujal g"p ,vuo zu nh,v )anu"r p"c p"s( gs tar kt ,jal vana )evk, h"c:c(/ 8(jp. jxs vut )nhfv z:h"j( uzvu nv abnmtcfnv xprh esuah gkhui atnru afuub, fk vcrhtv vbv vhv fsh kvhyhc kcrhu,)xpr agrh vkao jke t xhni t p"t(/9(br nmuvu,urv tur )nakh u:f"d(/ 01( fk vneck gkhu guk ,urv ngchrhi nnbu guk nkfu, uguk s"t )tcu, d:v( 11(,ur, jhho’ turl hnhochnhbv )nakh d:y"z( bu,b, jhho kguahv )tcu, u:z(/ 21(kt gav fi kfk duh unapyho ck hsguo ),vhkho en"z:f( ufi thw cngavsgehkx vdr/ 31( kt bh,bu ac,u, tkt kgxue c,urv )hruaknh ac, py"u v"d(/ 41(kt thcrt xhvrt tkt kdhrxt )ghruchi xv/(/51(ujal g"p ,vuo zu hui )pxhe,t rc,h prav k"d(/ 61(euc"v turhh,t uhartk js )zuv"e napyho ef"s(/ 71(tk ,anjh tuhc,hkh fh bpk,h en,h fh tac cjal vw tur kh )nhfv z:j(/ 81(zrg eusa pw je, s"v gus cnsra/ ha, jal x,ru ),vhkho h"j:h"c(

There was a couple who went to England and shoppedin a beautiful antique store. This trip was to celebrate

their 25th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiquesand pottery, especially teacups. Spotting an exceptionalcup, they asked, “May we see that? We’ve never seen a cupquite this beautiful.”

The lady handed it to them, and suddenly the teacupspoke. “You don’t understand,” it said. “I have not alwaysbeen a tea cup. There was a time when I was just a lump ofred clay. My master took me; he rolled me, pounded me,and then patted me, until I thought I was going to pass out

from the treatment. ‘Please! Leave go of me,’ I begged.

He only smiled and gently said ‘Not yet!’ Then, WHAM!I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spunaround and around and around.

‘Stop it! I’m getting so dizzy! I’m going to be sick!’ Iscreamed.

But the master nodded quietly and said ‘Not yet.’ Hespun me and poked and prodded and bent me out ofshape to suit himself and then… Then he put me into theoven. I had never felt such heat before. I yelled and knockedand pounded at the door.

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The Tea Cup

‘Help! Get me out of here!’ I could see him through theopening and I read his lips as he shook his head from sideto side. ‘Not yet.’

When I thought I couldn’t bear it another minute, thedoor opened. He carefully took me out and put me onto ashelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! ‘Ah, this ismuch better,’ I thought.

But, after I cooled, he picked me up and he brushed andpainted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought Iwould gag. ‘Oh, please! Stop it, Stop it!!’ I cried.

He only shook his head and said, ‘Not yet.’

Then, suddenly he put me back into the oven. Only itwas not like the first one. This was twice as hot! I knew Iwould suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. Iwas convinced I would never make it out of there whole. Iwas ready to give up. Just then the door opened, and mymaster took me out and again placed me on the shelf,where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering, ‘What’she going to do to me next?’

An hour later he handed me a mirror and said, ‘Look atyourself!’ And I did.

I said, ‘That’s not me! That can’t be me. It’s beautiful. I’mbeautiful!’

Quietly he spoke. ‘I want you to remember,’ he said. ‘Iknow it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had

I just left you alone, you would have dried up. I know itmade you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I hadstopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and itwas hot and unbearable in the oven, but if I hadn’t put youthere, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were badwhen I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn’tdone that, you would never have hardened. You would nothave had any color in your life. If I hadn’t put you back inthe second oven you wouldn’t have survived for long, be-cause the hardness would not have held. Now you are abeautiful finished product. Now you are what I had in mindwhen I first began to work with you.’”

• • •We are clay in the Hands of Hashem, our Master Potter.

Hashem knows what He’s doing for each of us. He moldsus so lovingly, exposing us to just the right amount of pres-sure of the right kind, so that we become a flawless andbeautiful piece of art according to His will.

So, when life seems hard, and you are being poundedand patted and pushed almost beyond endurance, whenyour world seems to be spinning out of control, when youfeel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials, try this…

Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest tea cup.Sit down and think of this story and then, have a little talkwith the Potter.

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15’ He spun me and poked and prodded andbent me out of shape to suit himself and then…

Then he put me into the oven.

“People are like teabags; you onlyget to see their strength when they

are in hot water.

At the darkest time of the year, when the daylighthours are at their shortest and the cold has set in;

as the moon becomes smaller and smaller until it finallydisappears, we go out at night and light our menorahs.According to custom, we also light our menorahs in alow place (under 3 feet). One starts to see a patternemerging, a confluence of darkness in both time andspace. It is into this place, at this time, that we bringlight.

In all of our lives we have times and places where thedarkness seems to gather. We all experience days whenwe see no let-up in our struggles, we hear bad news, beardisappointments, or are going through an especiallyfrustrating time.

Chanukah teaches us powerful tools for bringingsome light into the darkness.

1. Teva versus Nes:A famous question is asked: Why do we celebrate the

nes of the burning oil for 8 days? Since there was enoughoil to burn for one day, the first day wasn’t a miracle atall, it was natural! Chanukah should thus be celebrated

only seven days.

Not so. The fact that oil has the ability to burn is amiracle in itself! In reality, Hashem’s Hand is behindeverything that happens. “Natural” means that we havebecome accustomed to expect that this is the waythings should be. We can bring more light into our livesby appreciating the miraculous nature of the world aroundus, and cultivate gratefulness for things we take for granted.

2. Yevanim versus Torah/Sources of Light:Greek philosophy praises aesthetics and appearances. A

person’s “light” comes from one’s appearance to the world.It’s the externals that matter.

The Torah compares Yidden to oil. That which is ex-tracted from the inside is the source of light. The Yevanimwere the only conquerors of Eretz Yisroel who did not de-stroy the structure of the Bais Hamikdosh. Instead they de-filed all of the vessels inside. Their message? The insidecould be impure and rotten to the core; it’s the outside ap-pearance that matters.

The Torah’s message is not to be fooled by appearances.We miss out on many wonderful opportunities and don’t

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Eight Waysto Banish the Darkness

get to know many great people because we dismiss thembased on a superficial impression.

Whenever we are facing trying times, and have feelingsof inferiority that maybe we do not “match up” to what theexternal world expects of society, let us cling to this mes-sage, and take care to see to it that our internals are asource of pride to Hashem, for that is truly what counts.

3. Competitive Versus Cooperative:In the Olympics, the winner receives the glory, and

everyone else will end up being a loser. The concept of theOlympics, introduced to the world by the Yevanim, is ofone man’s battle to be the best in relation to everyone else.If he makes it to the finish line, he goes down in history. Ifnot, it was all for nothing. The Olympic torch is passedfrom one person to the next. When holding the torch, one

stands in illumination as the center of attention. The mo-ment that he passes it on to someone else, he stands indarkness on the sideline.

This stands in sharp contrast to the Torah concept thatevery person has inherent value and a unique contributionto make. The light of the Chanukah candles is additive.When one candle lights another, its own light is not dimin-ished in any way. Actually, the candle’s ability to providelight is increased due to its cooperation with its mate.When we find our unique light and share it with the world,everyone wins.

4. Humility and Self Confidence: When we find ourselves in a low place, we are faced with

a choice: beat ourselves up for it, or get up determined totry to do better. Traditionally the menorah is lit below threefeet, but above one foot. We sometimes find ourselves inlow places. We can either bring light into that place andmove upward, or drag ourselves down deeper and beatourselves up for it. Go for the light!

5. The Same Height According to tradition, the eight lights of the menorah

should be the same height. We all have our unique rolesand light to shine into this world. It is very easy to look atone person’s role as being more important than another’s.When a little gasket in your car starts leaking, it can totallyincapacitate your vehicle. This little piece may not be asglorious as the engine, but it is no less important to the op-eration of the vehicle. We may not all have high profile rolesto fulfill in this world, but each and every one of us isunique and the world needs our unique light!

6. Rosh Chodesh:One of the three decrees of the Yevanim was to forbid

the Yidden from sanctifying the new moon each month.The lunar cycle is the monthly sign of renewal. There aretimes when the moon is full and the nights seem bright.There are other times when the moon is absent and thedarkness of night is very deep. One of the ways that people

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We all experience days when we see no let-up in our struggles,we hear bad news, bear disappointments, or are going throughan especially frustrating time.

fall into despair is to lose hope when they find themselvesin darkness. “It will always be like this”, we say to ourselves.“It will never get better.”

We all go through ups and downs. We are commandedto recite kiddush levana when it first appears right after dis-appearing completely. What a wonderful message of faithto remember: that even when it appears dark and all seemsto be forsaken, the light will come back again. Hang inthere.

7. Bris Milah:Bris Milah was another fundamental mitzvah prohib-

ited by the Yevanim. Greek philosophy holds nature to benot only unchangeable, but the ideal form. The Torah as-sociates the number seven with nature. Bris Milah, whichis commanded to be performed on the 8th day, is repre-sentative of a Yid’s mission to take the nature that theywere given in the world, and go beyond it to actively shapeit for the better. We may come into the world with tenden-cies to be pessimistic, angry, impulsive, indulgent, lazy, orany of myriad “natures” that people have. Do we take the

Greek approach and nurture our natures, or do we take theTorah approach and form our natures to nurture us?

8. If the nes that we celebrate during Chanukah is there-dedication of the Bais Hamikdosh and the lighting of themenorah, why do we always recount the story of the mili-tary victory of the Chashmonaim over the Yevanim? Whileit is true that the goal of the Chanukah story was realizedin the re-dedication of the Bais Hamikdosh, there was a longand arduous battle to get there. A small band of Yiddenbattled against impossible odds in order to realize this goal.

Our journeys seem impossible at times. The road is longand exhausting. By learning the story of the military victoryof Chanukah, we gain hope that against all odds, over longperiods of time, with Hashem’s help, one can come toachieve their goals.

These days there is plenty of darkness in the world. Maywe all merit taking the messages of Chanukah into our livesand bring more light into the world.

Reprinted with permission from Aish.com

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We can either bring light into that place and move upward,or drag ourselves down deeper and beat ourselves up for it.

Go for the light!

“Hashem didn’t promise days with-out pain, laughter without sorrow,

sun without rain, but He did promisestrength for the day, comfort for the

tears, and light for the way.

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Snow in the FallDevora Hollander

D isregarding the calendar, paying no heed to theboots and snow paraphernalia still neatly stored

in the attic and the shovels hidden in the farthest cornerof the garage, the snowflakes attacked earth. Theyweren’t of the typical early winter make, apologetic andhelpless, that melt before they have a chance to touchupon the ground; they were snowflakes straight out ofJanuary, and they were quick to make their presenceknown.

I stood looking out my window on Shabbos RoshChodesh Cheshvon and watched the street as I knew it

slowly disappear under a cloak of white. Minute byminute, flake by flake, the accumulation grew until wefound ourselves in the midst of a serious winter blizzard.Only it was not winter yet.

While most of humanity took to staying indoors andexperienced the enchanting scene from the warm con-fines of their homes, I wrapped up for the snow, con-vinced my husband to do the same, and set out toexplore the world so suddenly turned white. The windwhipped mercilessly and the cold bit at our extremities,unaccustomed as of yet to its penetrating nature.

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But the scene! It was surreal. It enchanted us in themanner that only snow could, washing over our existencein waves of peacefulness and awe. There’s nothing quitelike the serenity and beauty of untouched layers of pure,white snow. And this snow still had an added touch ofmagic, as the trees, still full of leaves, were bowing lowerand lower to the ground as the snow kept falling.

The repercussions were not long in coming. As soonas we bade Shabbos good-bye, the news started tricklingin. Unable to bear the weight of the snow, many trees hadfallen over the course of the day, causing much damagein many regions in the North-Eastern US. Power outageswere declared on street after street as trees kept fallingupon electric wires.

While I, personally, was spared, many of my familymembers and friends found themselves living the livestheir forefathers had 100 years ago, minus fireplaces orthe resources to keep their homes livable. Many of themmoved in with family and friends, resignedly leaving theShabbos dishes in the sink to tackle at a time when tech-nology showed its face once again, while others stayedput, huddled beneath blankets as they tried to survive intheir cold and dark homes.

Many days later, there were still people withoutpower. Small businesses, forced to remain closed untilpower was restored, are expected to suffer the effects ofthe loss of income over the winter. Elderly people, whohad spent the better part of the week without heating,were left weaker than before.

What had gone wrong? What had made this snow allthat much more damaging than another one?

The problem was the time factor: the snow had comebefore its right time. It had made its appearance whenthe world was unready for its arrival. There is a processof nature that Hashem had put into this world. Comesfall, the leaves dry up and fall from the trees, so thatthroughout the winter, the trees remain upright and donot wreak the damage that this fall snow has.

• • •I have a beautiful dream that lives inside me, a wish

that is so strong, I can almost envision it. How manytimes do I beg Hashem, do I ask Him so beseechingly thatHe grant me that which I yearn for so deeply, a child ofmy own? How many prayers have been dedicated to thiscause? There’s urgency to my plea. Hashem, I have waitedso long. Please, Tatteh, I don’t want to wait any longer.

But thinking back at the snow, at the millions ofhomes without electricity, I remember. There is a timefor everything. Waiting is not a waste of time. There issuch beauty to a thing in its right time; beauty, withoutrepercussions.

If I am still waiting, it doesn’t mean that I have beenforgotten; on the contrary, I am being prepared. There isa cheshbon here which I will yet come to appreciate. Infact, I appreciate it already.

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How many times do I beg Hashem, do I ask Him sobeseechingly that He grant me that which I yearn for

so deeply, a child of my own?

“A truly happy person is one whocan enjoy the scenery on a detour.

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Asuccessful businessman was growing old andknew it was time to choose a successor to take

over his business. Instead of appointing one of his directorsor his children, he decided to do something different.

He gathered the young executives in his company. Hesaid, “It is time for me to step down and choose the nextCEO. I have decided to choose one of you.”

The executives were shocked. The boss continued, “I amgoing to give each one of you a seed today, one special seed.I want you to plant it, water it, and then come back oneyear from today with what you have grown from the seedI have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring,

and the one I choose will be the next CEO.”

One man, Jim, went home and excitedly told his wifethe story. She took a pot and soil and helped him to plantthe seed. Every day he would water it and watch to see if ithad grown. After a few weeks, the executives began to talkabout their seeds and the plants that were beginning togrow. Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.

Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, but stillnothing grew. By now, others were talking about theirplants, but Jim didn’t have a plant and he felt like a failure.Six months went by, but nothing happened. Jim knew hehad killed his seed. Everyone had plants and trees. He had

Hazorim BedimohBerinoh Yiktzoru

By Y. Roitenbarg

nothing. Jim didn’t say anything to his colleagues, however.He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil. He so wantedthe seed to grow.

A year went by and all the executives brought theirplants to the CEO for inspection. Jim told his wife that hewas not going; he was too embarrassed to take along anempty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what hadhappened, or rather, about what had not happened!

Jim felt sick to his stomach. It was going to be the mostembarrassing moment in his life.

But, he knew his wife was right, so he took his emptypot to the boardroom. When Jim arrived, he was amazedat the variety of plants grown by the other executives. Theywere beautiful, in all shapes, colors, and sizes. Jim put hisempty pot on the floor, and many of his colleagues smirkedand laughed. A few felt sorry for him and looked at himpitifully!

When the CEO arrived, he greeted his executives. Jimcowered away and tried to hide in the back. “My, whatgreat plants, shrubs, and flowers you have all grown,” saidthe CEO. “Today one of you will be appointed the nextCEO!”

All of a sudden, the CEO saw Jim at the back of the roomwith his downcast look and his empty pot and ordered Jimto come forward. Jim was terrified. He thought, “The CEOknows I am failure! Possibly he will even have me fired!”

When Jim came up to the front, the CEO announced,“Behold your next Chief Executive Officer! His name is Jim!”

Jim could not believe it, nor could any of the other ex-ecutives.

“Jim, the failure, who could not even grow his seed; howcould this be? How could he be the new CEO?” the othersasked.

Then, the CEO said, “One year ago from today, I gaveeveryone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed,

plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But, unbe-knownst to you, I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead– it was not possible for them to grow.

All of you, except Jim, have brought me fine trees, plants,and flowers. When you had realized that the seed wouldnot grow, you had substituted another seed for the one Ihad given you. Jim was the only one with the courage, hon-esty, and integrity to bring me a pot with my seed in it.Therefore, he is now the one who will be the new CEO!”

I love this article. I think there are so many fabulous andprofound lessons to be gleaned from this fantastic piece! HereI have included just some of my thoughts in connection toour lives, this piece of writing, and Tu Beshevat.

Y. Roitenbarg

I think we are all here to grow in whichever way Hashemchooses for us to flourish. There is a well known blessingwhich is particularly poignant and compares the growth ofmankind to the growth of trees:

כמותך יהיו ממך שנוטעים הנטיעות שכל - she’kolhane’tios she’notim mimcho yiheyu kemoscho.

Perhaps we can think of another deeper meaning for thisblessing. We are Hashem‘s sapling; He lovingly waters us withall of our needs. We are His precious children, and Hedeserves to have nachas from us.

Perhaps then, we can have in mind a differentconnotation for the word kemoscho.

Kemoscho can mean: exactly like You Hashem want thefruits and plants to be; exactly and precisely like You Hashemwant us to thrive and grow. We don’t have to grow inaccordance to our preconceived ideas, but rather exactly asHashem desires! If my pot is empty, if my seed won’t grow,perhaps that is Hashem‘s way of testing me.

Hashem is not looking for a successor, but I know He

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Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, but stillnothing grew

wants success. He does not want my flowers; He only wantsto see what I do with the seed. He is watching what I do andwhat I become with the tests and challenges in life. It isirrelevant what grows from the seed; all that really mattersis my own growth and whether I succeed!

I will keep on watering and fertilizing my precious seed.Hashem has a different measuring stick. He measures oursuccess by כמותך kemoscho – whether we are growing intoexactly what He expects us to become and developing intowho He knows we can be.

I think, I hope, and I believe that in a different garden inGan Eden I might see some beautiful, sweet-scented flowers– all the ones that are growing from my boiled seed!

In the World to Come, we will not be asked what grew

from our seed or whether we reproduced, we will be asked,however, what we did with the seeds we were given andwhether we were productive. There we will not be askedwhether we were fertile, but we will be asked whether welovingly watered and fertilized whatever seeds He gave us toplant. There we will not be asked whether we built futuregenerations, nor will we have to present our saplings. Therewe will be proud of the beautiful relationship we have builtwith Hashem and that we are His saplings – ‘kemoscho’.

I hope we all have a wonderful and fruitful Tu Be’Shevat,but more importantly, may we lead fulfilling and fruitfullives. May we all always be blessed with the stamina to keepon going and growing. Everything that grows needs water.When, at times, that water is our hot and salty tears, thenlet’s not forget that “Hazorim bedimah be’rinah yiktzoru”.

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In the World to Come, we will not be asked what grew fromour seed or whether we reproduced, we will be asked, how-

ever, what we did with the seeds we were given and whetherwe were productive.

“Bloom where you are planted.

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“A siddur thatis falling apartbelongs to aperson that isnot.

The WeepingWillow Tree

I’ve always been in aweOf the weeping willow treeMesmerized by its droopy graceAs it sways in the breeze But what inspires me the mostIs howEven when put to the testOf harsh winds and torrential rains It remainsIn its constant humbled positionBowed in submissionTo the will of its Creator.

And as the winds of life sway meThis way and that I realizeThat there is a certain sense of peace In swaying and in weepingIn being humbled and in painAll at the same time.Taken with permission from Binah Magazine. Copyright 20xx. All Rights Reserved. Binah Magazine

Atypical day at work; I wanted to check somethingon my cell phone calendar. I took my cell phone

out of my pocket, and flipped it open, only to see a blankscreen. I closed it and opened it again; still blank. I turnedit off and then back on; nothing doing. I took the batteryout, shook it, stared at it, but nothing helped; the screenremained blank! Only a half hour earlier I had used it withno problem at all and now it was dead! That meant an-other few hours until I would get home and swap it for adifferent phone and a few days until I would have my con-tacts retrieved. This spelled trouble! My calendar with allmy appointments in it, my memos with the importantthings I must do, and all other information stored in itsmemory was lost. How on earth could I handle that?

To understand how terrible this tragedy is, I need toexplain my relationship with my cell phone. I call it my se-curity blanket. It’s with me all the time. I use it not only tocall my dear husband 10 times a day, my friend 20 times,and send out at least 1,000 texts a week. But whenever thesituation gets awkward, I pull my little pink cell phone outand get really busy with it.

I’ll give you an example. When this lady in the grocerywas asking me, “Who is babysitting?” and “Which schooldo you send your kids to?” I pulled out my cell phone, readthrough a text that came in, and to that oh-so-smart-ladyasking, I nodded my head with a smile, and answered,“Yeah…yeah.”

At every simcha or family gathering, my cell phone

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E. Perl

Gam Zu L’tova orBaruch Hashem?

Chizuk

plays a major role, too. At first, they are all very careful andtry to make me feel comfortable. It usually goes like this:

“Hi! How are you?”

“Great.” (Grumpy! I’ve got bad results yesterday)

“Sooo happy to see you! (Yeah! I’m sure you are thrilled!)Are you still working at ABC Corporation?”

“Yes.” (Got no reason to stop working yet.)

“How is it going there?”

“Fine.” (I hate to talk about it. I’m happy I’m not therenow, and you are not interested either.)

“Is that young girl you once told me about still workingwith you?”

“Not anymore.” (She left 2 months ago when she hadher second baby.)

After a few minutes the topic at the table rolls over topregnancy, nursing, and babysitters. (Or by now it’s alreadyabout homework, tuition, and graduations.) That is whenmy dear, beloved cell phone comes in handy. With that all-so-busy expression on my face I start texting to some oldbuddies the typical Hi! How are you? They wonder why I’mthinking of them all of the sudden. (Now, when you getthat text from me, you’ll know why.) My phone startsbuzzing with all the replies I receive, and I’m simply toobusy to be part of their discussions. The problem ariseswhen the wedding hall is 2 flights underground and there’sno reception there. A Yid gebt zich an eitza. I pretend it’sworking, while asking Hashem to keep me out of trouble;that no one should decide to ask to use my cell phone.

If you ask me, I don’t know how the previous genera-tions survived infertility without this awesome invention.

Now it went dead. But I’m a big girl, I thought to myself.I’ve been through many failures and losses and I will survivethis hurdle, too. I will be brave and say Gam zu l’tova. I’ll ac-cept it bravely.

It was then when the following story came to mind.

It had been just a few weeks earlier. I had been on thephone with my mother while peeling veggies, chattingabout everything and anything. My mother is so good,never overstepping her boundaries, yet so kind and caring.As we were talking, she had repeated a conversation thatshe had had with my dear younger sister-in-law, a motherof two. For the story’s sake, let’s call her Malky.

Malky had been exhausted that day. Her 6 month oldChana’la had been up the night before until 3:00 AM. Whenshe had finally fallen asleep, 3 year old Moishy had woken

up. He had wanted a drink, a story, a super snack, and what-ever it takes not to have to go back to bed. It had been after5:00 AM when she had finally seen her bed.

At first, she had been complaining how tough this is.She could barely function the next day. But then, she hadsaid that she had decided to be good about accepting this‘challenge’ by saying Gam zu l’tova, it’s all for the best.

My mother hadn’t agreed, having me, her poor daugh-ter, in mind all the time. You see, I’m married for close to adecade without any kids yet. It pains my mother deeplystanding at the side, watching all that I’m going throughwithout being able to help. I’m one of the younger ones inmy big, beautiful family. (They are all so fertile that it makesme think I’m adopted.) No matter how many einiklech she’llhave, it won’t lessen the pain about me.

My mother had asked her, “Why Gam zu l’tova? Whynot Baruch Hashem!? For your two healthy and adorablekids you have to care for! Though it is not always easy, thatis still what we all want! So many people would gladly ex-change places with you; those waiting for a child or thosespending their nights in a hospital with a sick child. Insteadof making peace with this ‘challenge’, acknowledge it as abracha.”

Malky had listened and agreed. (Wow that’s something!To agree to a mother-in-law’s musser?) And I, from my end,when hearing this story, had thought, Hmmm, very good.She should learn to appreciate a little more all that she has.

All of the sudden, I felt foolish with this dead phone inmy hands. I had felt like the biggest tzadaikos for not cryingover a dead cell phone. My mother’s words echoed in myhead: Why Gam zu l’tova? Why not Baruch Hashem!? I canafford a cell phone, Baruch Hashem! I have an extra one athome, Baruch Hashem, and will be able to activate it today,Baruch Hashem, and best of all this hadn’t happened justone day earlier.

It had been only the day before this episode that I hadfinished working on a major project that I had been busywith for the past two months, getting more and more hec-tic as it came closer to the end. It had been a mere 24 hours

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To understand how terriblethis tragedy is, I need toexplain my relationship withmy cell phone. I call it mysecurity blanket. It’s with meall the time.

previously that I had been in charge of close to 50 peopleworking on this, with me being the only one who had allthe contacts and was instructing them on what to do. Los-ing my cell phone with my contacts would have meant thatthe entire project and two months of work would have got-ten stranded at the very end. I don’t want to think of whatcould have happened, and Baruch Hashem, it hadn’t.

It’s not only my sister-in-law, who seems to be morefortunate than me and needs to learn to say BaruchHashem. It’s meant for me, too, being more fortunatethan others. From now on, whenever a gam zu l’tova sit-uation comes my way, I will look for the Baruch Hashembehind it.

“If you want to feel rich, just count allthe things money can’t buy.

Chizuk

It is assumed that the biggest bracha a person can receiveis that his salvation should come and that he be granted

whatever is “lacking” in his life. Sometimes, though, one isprivileged to discover within their actual nisayon a blessingin disguise. This is one such case.

In Parshas Bereishes, Perek Alef, Posuk 28, we find the veryfirst bracha with which Hakodosh Baruch Hu blessedmankind, the greatest bracha that a person can receive, “Pruirvu umilu es haoretz.” Be fruitful and multiply and fill up theland. Later in Parshos Noach, this is also a directive that a manshould get married so that he fulfills this command. In fact,such an important mitzvah it is, that one of the three ques-tions stated in gemara, that a man is asked upon arriving inthe World to Come is, “Asokta b’pirya v’rivya? Have you en-gaged in the mitzvah of pru irvu?”

Some of us might think that we’ve so far been incapableof carrying out that order. While others effortlessly bringchildren into this world, as hard as we try, and as much hish-tadlus as we constantly do, this is one mitzvah as of yet un-fulfilled by us.

On the contrary! The question that will be asked of eachof us is not, “Have you brought children into this world? Haveyou been successful in pirya v’rivya?” Instead, we will beasked, “Asokta: Have you engaged in this mitzvah?”

This set me thinking. How amazing! I have countless op-portunities to serve Hashem in trying to fulfill this special

mitzvah, the very first bracha in the Torah!

Every time I gave myself an injection, every time I wentthrough a surgery, each time I’ve gone through a loss in thepast six years, I had a chance to serve Hashem. What anamazing privilege to accrue so many zchusim on this account,and to do Hashem’s will so thoroughly. Hashem must loveme so much to deem me worthy of all these merits. HoduL’Hashem Ki Tov!

And so this became my mantra, in each attempt I makeat having a child.

Every time I give myself an injection, I say to myself, “Youcan do it! You are performing the greatest mitzvah, regardlessof the outcome.” When I was about to begin my last IVFcycle, I said to Hashem, “Okay, I’m in your hands. I am doingthe mitzvah of pirya v’rivya, so I have nothing to fear.”

I find that keeping this frame of mind, doesn’t only helpcontain any physical discomfort, it also makes me feel ac-complished and proud of my life, regardless if a proceduresucceeds or not.

We can’t control our lives and what Hashem blesses uswith. But we can choose to take lessons out of what life givesus. Hakol bidie shamayim chutz m’yiras shamayim. Let usthrow ourselves completely into doing Hashem’s will. We canonly gain from living this way.

Be’ezras Hashem, may we all be zoche to yeshuas, andmostly, to see the good in everything that happens.

Chizuk

A Blessingin Disguise

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Chana Yehudis Zahav

Always shy and bashful, quite reticent I’d say, Getting to know a whole new crew wasn’t really my forte;Until Infertility came to visit, so far she’s here to stay,Bringing along her troop of pals to swing in on the fray;Doubt’s the nagging nuisance, the one who calls and calls,She just won’t get the message that she’s not welcome at all! Dignity is the fly-by-night; she always comes and goes,Shows up when I’d think she won’t, and leaves when I need her most; Pain comes unannounced, in her classic grays and blues, Occasionally she’ll appear to be a Mom with a Bugaboo;Perseverance is the firm one; I’d never think we’d click,So far we’re rough-n-tumbling through; with her I like to stick! Hope is an enigma; I can’t quite figure her out,She sometimes looks like Perseverance, and at times resembles Doubt; Humor, she’s a funny one, full of laughs and wit,Accompanies me through it all, always coming with; Happiness and Gratitude, these two are just divine, Hand in hand with Blessing, we’re together all the time! That’s my motley crew, a cheering squad I’ll say, I think when Infertility leaves, I’ll ask some friends to stay!

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Chizuk

My LoyalCompanions

By Ruchie Herzka

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*Please let us know at the start of a cycle as to the approximate time when you’ll be needing this service *Please give us at least two days notice, so that our assistance can be ensured.

The leading Rabbonim with expertise in all halachic issues pertaining to infertility and reproductive medicine are available to you through The Committee for Halacha and Technology. These Rabbonim have been educated by the Rabbonim of our

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available exclusively through the Committee. The Committee has done extensive research and has arranged with various specialists to obtain permission for Hashgacha during IVF and IUI procedures. It is imperative that each couple call the

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Request to have Hashgacha at the IVF center must be

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Notify the Machon in a timely fashion and keep the Machon updated about all

progress*.

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Chizuk from Within

TheWhole‘Hole’Point

By Y. Roitenbarg

FOREWORD: I wrote the following article (last year) when a very dear friend who had joined a crocheting club soon afterSukkos told me that another group member had asked her, “For whom are you crocheting? Is this for one of your children?”

In an effort to alleviate some of her pain and to show her that I truly empathized with her, I stayed up late into the night writing thisarticle, penning my feelings in the hope of being able to encourage her, bring her comfort, and imbue her with strength. I was so gladwhen she told me that it not only brought her comfort, but also brought her and her crocheting to a new and higher level.

When a friend recently told me that she had takenup crocheting, I was impressed for various reasons.

Firstly, it was quite soon after Sukkos and she had not waitedfor the winter blues to set in, but attacked them before theycould harass or pester her. Secondly, as soon as she had real-ized she needed to incorporate something extra and differentinto the long, dull, quiet winter months-so as to make themmore interesting and exciting-she had made her choice andwithout any procrastination had joined the crocheting group.Thirdly, I admired her courage and bravery. Despite her ownstill empty nest, she was not afraid to join a group which con-sisted mostly of mothers and grandmothers crocheting fortheir own children and grandchildren. Finally, I admired herchoice to take the needle in hand and begin, whereas I would

do anything to avoid the needle.

Now do not get me wrong or misunderstand me; I knowhow to sew and enjoy doing embroideries and tapestries. I amnot afraid of needlepoint, and I am NOT afraid of the point ofa needle. I have experienced over twenty years of infertility, andI can assure you that needles do not scare me. Though at firstit was a daunting task, I nevertheless learned, long ago, how totake a needle and syringe and bravely inject myself with variousmedications. I don’t so much as quiver when I stretch out myarm to have my blood drawn, and no doctor or nurse couldscare me with any needle. Even an anesthetist does notfrighten me. As he points his long needle in my direction, be-fore he numbs me and puts me into deep sleep, I calmly say,”בידו אפקיד רוחי בעת אישן ואעירה ועם רוחי גויתי ד’ לי ולא אירא.“

But a crocheting needle is an entirely different story!

I remember at the young age ofeight or nine years old, one of ourteachers taught (or tried to teach)us how to knit. We had to bringyarn and knitting needles to theclass and we would all be makingscarves. We all chose attractiveballs of soft wool andenthusiastically began knitting.My enthusiasm was not longlasting. While most of my friendsmastered this art effortlessly, I came home from every lessonin tears. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, I managedto drop and lose loops. If I began with twenty rows on theknitting needle, then at the lesson’s end I would somehowwind up (pun intended) with lots of knots and twenty fiveor fifteen rows. While I counted and concentrated, my friendsseemed to be able to talk and socialize while, simultaneously,their needles clicked and danced in harmony. They were alldone with their scarves and onto their next project, whereasI did not have anything to show for my efforts, besides for aball of twisted wool, a mess, lots of holes, and a broken heart.I would come home disheartened after each session, and mymother would try to help me and patiently show me whereI had gone wrong. She would dry my tears, unravel somewool, undo some of the rows which I had painstakinglyknitted, and she would help me to begin again. It seemed easyas I watched her, but as soon as I began, the needles onceagain seemed to dance to a different tune, and almost asthough they had a mind of their own, the holes wouldreappear.

I was so glad when the knitting course was over, and we

began learning a different skill in our craft lessons. I happilyput down my knitting needles and never picked them upagain! I did not think I had learned anything in those lessonsother than how awful it is to feel incapable, inferior, inept,and clumsy. Now, however, when my friend told me she hadjoined a crocheting course, I thought back to those dreadedknitting lessons and realized that even if I had not masteredthe art of knitting, I had learned some important life lessonswhich helped me much later on in life.

I think if I was brave enough to take knitting needles inhand today I could probably learn to use them. Though bynature I am a perfectionist, I don’t think I would cry or shedtears if the first scarf I‘d attempt would not come out perfect.I would not get as distraught over a few holes. You see,although I put down my knitting needles, Hashem was stillholding His and knitting the picture of my life. In my mind I

had envisioned attractive balls of colored wool, twenty neatloops, tidy rows, and I had pictured the image of a perfectlife. However, there have been so many times and placesalong the way when rows seemed to have been dropped,loops were missing, and I was left with gaping holes anddisappointments, which I never imagined would be part ofmy life. The twisted yarn of life is not as easy to unravel. Thereare those who try to sympathize when I am disheartened, butit is harder to dry these tears and not necessarily possible tobegin again. Most of my friends seem to be creatingmasterpieces, while I deal with knots, holes, vacuums, anddisillusionment.

When I look back over the years I wonder about Hashemand His knitting needles. I had drawn up a pattern, I hadvisions of attractive, beautiful colored balls of soft yarn, andnow I see a less than beautiful scarf. I see my life with its manyholes and disappointments, the challenges of infertility, thevacuum of childlessness, and I find myself entangled in thepain of so many other BIG life challenges. I know though thatHashem is the Master Designer. His knitting needles don’tmake any mistakes, even if to me it feels like they are dancing

I am not afraid of needlepoint, and I am NOTafraid of the point of a needle. I haveexperienced over twenty years of infertility, andI can assure you that needles do not scare me.

Chizuk from Within

the wrong step and even when they are clicking to a differenttune than I had anticipated. The life HE is knitting for me isnot HOLEY but HOLY. Indeed, I have to admit that it isprecisely when I saw that my plans and patterns were notbeing followed, when things were not turning out accordingto my expectations, when my dreams were not materializing;all the times and occasions in life when I was tangled in knots,when I had to deal with vacuums and holes – that is when Ibecame holy and spiritual. I am not afraid. I calmly turn toHashem and say, “You can give me challenges; You can takethose needles, prick me, pierce my heart, and create holes, butI will remain whole and holy: ועם רוחי גויתי ד’ לי ולא אירא“.

I think I might join my friend in the crocheting club; I don’tthink I am afraid of a crocheting needle or knitting needlesany more.

Even if I don’t learn how to crochet, I think I would stilllearn a great deal …… And when another group member willask me, “Who are you crocheting for? Is this for one of yourchildren or grandchildren?”

I know what my answer will be. With a bright smile I willconfidently respond, “I am crocheting for myself.”

After all, the whole point of this needle and this coursewill be to teach me that holes make me and my life notholey but HOLY!

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EPILOGUE: Just six weeks after writing this article “THE WHOLE ‘HOLE’ POINT“ and sending it to my friend, Ifound myself again, this time on the second night of Chanukah, writing another letter, a very different letter, late into thenight to the SAME friend.

After completing and emailing the long and beautiful letter to her, I then wrote the following into my diary.

It is the second night of Chanukah. The hour is late, very late. Sleep eludes me and I have just finished writing a long,emotional letter to a friend.

Which friend? The one who joined the crocheting course after Sukkos, the one who was asked just a few short weeks ago“Is this for one of your children?”

Little did she know then that she was in fact crocheting for her own baby!!! Hashem was crocheting too; He helped themto find their own pach shemen, their pure shemen zayis zoch. MAZEL TOV! May their pach shemen always bring muchlight to their home and their lives.

Today, this morning, on the first day of Chanukah, they have brought home a miracle, a beautiful Jewish baby daughterfrom a hospital, just two weeks old, and they will name her on Shabbos. We are so excited celebrating “whole-heartedly” thenissim of bayomim hohem as well as the nissim of bazman hazeh!

“You don’t develop courage bybeing happy every day, you de-velop it by surviving difficult times

and challenging adversity.

The Ronald O. Perelman and Claudia Cohen Center for Reproductive Medicine

Zev Rosenwaks, M.D.Director

Owen Davis, M.D.

Ina Cholst, M.D.

Pak Chung, M.D.

Rony T. Elias, M.D.

Dan Goldschlag, M.D.

Hey-Joo Kang, M.D.

Isaac Kligman, M.D.

Glenn Schattman, M.D.

Steven Spandorfer, M.D.

Psychologists

Linda Applegarth, Ed.D.

Elizabeth Grill, Psy.D.

Laura Josephs, Ph.D.

Weill Cornell Medical College 1305 York Avenue

New York, NY 10021(646) 962-2764

Garden City, Long Island1300 Franklin Avenue

Garden City, NY 11530(516) 742-4100

Flushing HospitalMedical Center

146-01 45th AvenueFlushing, NY 11355

(646) 962-5626

Northern Westchester 657 Main Street

Mount Kisco, NY 10549(914) 242-3700

The Center for Male Reproductive Medicine

and MicrosurgeryMarc Goldstein, M.D.

Director

Darius Paduch, M.D.

Peter Schlegel, M.D.

Philip Li, M.D.

www.ivf.org

If you or someone you know

is experiencing infertility,

contact us at (646) 962-CRMI.

We can help.

Cornell Institute for

Reproductive Medicine

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Bound ThroughStruggles

The jangle of the phone interrupted my thoughts, andI reached for the receiver. This was pre-caller ID days,

so there was that aura of anticipation; who would it be onthe other end of the line? The voice was that of a stranger,but it was unusually warm and friendly. “This is BranyRosen,” I heard the voice say. “And I am calling to thankyou for the beautiful letter you sent us.”

It took me a moment to grasp what she was talkingabout, but then it came to me. Several weeks earlier, aneighbor had given me a thin, stapled booklet telling methat she had found it encouraging and inspiring andthought that maybe I would too. I looked at the wordswritten in simple type at the top of the cover. “A Torah In-fertility Medium of Exchange.” My curiosity aroused, Iopened it up. The booklet consisted of a modest collectionof articles and Torah thoughts geared for the Jewish infer-tile couple. No names were to be found anywhere in thebooklet – there were just four sets of initials in tiny printon the inside front cover.

I was intrigued by the contents and read them hungrily.

Married for close to three years and as of yet unblessed, Ifelt as if I was the only one marooned on the desert islandof the childless while everyone else was cruising along mer-rily in the glistening waters of motherhood. This bookletwas a bit of proof that I was actually not the only one;there were others stranded there on the island with me.

This took place about fifteen years ago. I admired thevision, the courage and the plain old guts required on be-half of those four “initials” to discuss a previously hushedand hidden topic, for the purpose of chizuk and under-standing. I proceeded to take out a pen and paper andwrite a letter to them (an address appeared beneath theinitials in the front cover), thanking them and encouragingthem to continue.

I certainly did not expect a phone call in return! Buthere was Brany on the line, thanking me for thankingthem. “We loved the idea you suggested in your letter,” shecontinued after our preliminary chat. “And we’d like to fea-ture it in the newsletter. Do you think you can write it?”

Chany Feldbrand

I was floored. I had suggested the idea of featuring acorrespondence column of two women not yet blessedwith children, thinking that it would be enjoyable for peo-ple to read of true-life experiences in the form of an on-going correspondence. But I certainly hadn’t thought ofdoing it myself! Well, on second thought, maybe it wasn’tsuch a bad idea after all…

“Well, I mean, um, who would I do it with?” I finallyblurted out, for lack of anything else to say. But Brany hada ready answer. “I have someonewho might be able to do it withyou,” Brany continued. “She justsubmitted a poem for our nextnewsletter and might be inter-ested in doing this column. I willcontact her and get back toyou.”

Chanie, who was a bit olderthan me and lived far, far awayfrom me, was game. And so thecolumn “Dear Chanie, DearYehudis,” which was featured inA TIME’s magazine for severalyears, was born.

Our first conversation was abit strange and uncomfortable.We exchanged basic informa-tion. Chanie lived in a rather re-mote Jewish community, severalhours’ drive from where I lived.She was married for about sixyears at that time and was quiteadvanced in her infertility jour-ney, having already been through a number of high-techtreatments. I, on the other hand, was married for justunder three years, was much closer to the onset of thejourney and was still quite muddled in what I dubbedthe “bewilderment and adjustment” stage of childless-ness.

In general, too, Chanie and I couldn’t have been moredissimilar. She hailed from a staunchly Chassidic familyand upheld her traditions with a fierce pride. Her husbandworked and was kove’a itim, while she held a part-time job.

I was a mainstream Bais Yaakov graduate, married to a full-time Kollel yungerman, and lived in a large “in-town” com-munity. I taught in a local Bais Yaakov elementary school,and that was about it. Well, actually no, that was not it atall – at least not anymore! Now I was going to write forthis new newsletter called A TIME.

I have to admit, it was quite awkward at first. We didn’tknow each other at all, and here we were going to do a col-umn together? Was this going to be a “once a season con-

nection” and a business-onlyrelationship, or was this going to bea friendship? Only time would tell.

Our first exchange of letters:

Dear Chanie,This is so not “me,” picking up a

pen and writing to a virtual stranger.But then again, the circumstancesthat caused me to do so don’t feel like“me” either…

I’m not sure what is making me dothis… perhaps the need to have some-one who understands and can em-pathize, without being judgmental –just someone who is “there” and“knows.” I thank you, Chanie, forreaching out and graciously offeringyourself. I think it will be so comfortingand helpful to share this journey withsomeone who’s already along thepath and familiar with its twists and

turns, bumps and obstacles.

As I write, I am asking myself, “Why on earth would youreveal your personal situation to a total stranger?” On secondthought, maybe it’s not so strange after all. We share a com-mon bond, a situation that’s challenging and trying in its ownunique way, and sharing experiences can prove beneficial forboth of us. And sometimes it’s easier to express oneself to astranger.

Where do I start? It’s funny; in the beginning, I couldn’teven bring myself to think “that word.” No way. It didn’t apply

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I felt as if I wasthe only one

marooned on thedesert island of the

childless whileeveryone else was

cruising alongmerrily in the

glistening watersof motherhood.

Chizuk from WithinSH

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to me! I find that especially with the nisayon of infertility, thereis a tremendous amount of alienation one can feel from fam-ily and friends, and society at large. Being able to share whatour world is all about gives me the feeling that I am not thatalone after all!

Chanie’s reply was not long in coming.

Dear Yehudis,What a pleasant surprise to receive your letter! Thanks

for writing! I am glad A TIME puts people in contact witheach other; I could certainly use this for my benefit, too!

Don’t ever think that the longer one is married, the easierthis nisayon becomes. This is one of the few areas where noone ever wants to be considered a maven or an old-timer.But naturally, over the course of time, we do become moreinformed and knowledgeable, whether we like it or not. Ihope our correspondence will be a continuous one for shar-ing situations and emotions that arise frequently and forhelping each other rise above the challenges we face.

Now, reading those early lettersin their entirety for the first time inmany years, I see that our first let-ters were quite stilted as we gropedto find a balance between sharinginformation for the benefit of ourreadership and testing the watersof the boundaries of our new rela-tionship.

Slowly, with time (pardon thepun) our relationship began totake root and blossom. We realizedthat with all our external differ-ences, we really had so much incommon as far as nature and per-sonality. There was a mutual un-derstanding between us and wewere able to relate to each other’sstruggles and challenges, sharingsupport and chizuk to help eachother cope. If it was Brany whobrought us together, it wasHashem Who made us match.And what a match it was!

There was something magical about the friendship,something special. Since Chanie and I were from totallydifferent backgrounds and moved in completely differentcircles, we each found a perfect place to unload, a perfectplace to vent. She could tell me all about her sister-in-law’s insensitivity because I had no clue who her sister-in-law was and had no way of ever finding out!

From the once-a-season connection, solely for the pur-

pose of writing our letters for that quarter’s issue of the ATIME magazine, our friendship slowly evolved into weeklyand sometimes even daily phone conversations.

We shared everything, not just our journey through theups and downs of infertility. When my brother was datingand I was going crazy with excitement, it was only Chaniewhom I could call; with everyone else, I was sworn to se-crecy. When her little sister got sick and was hospitalizedand the doctors feared for her life, mine was the shoulderupon which Chanie cried and felt free to express all herworries – and her emotional turmoil as she deliberatedwhich shirt to pack in case the worst materialized.

I laugh when I remember those early letters! Forgetabout email – neither of us had a computer then. Chaniedidn’t even own a fax machine! When I wrote my letter, Iwould have to fax it to her neighbor’s house with thewords “Strictly Confidential” emblazoned across the top.

In the years since the conclusion of our column, we’veboth moved up in the technology department, and we

often joked about how much eas-ier it would be for us to write nowthan it was then.

It came to a point that our let-ters became a mere backdrop toour real relationship: a side point,an almost “by the way”. Neither ofus could go through a cycle oftreatment without the ongoingsupport and encouragement ofthe other. I was in awe of her; shewas going through all those scary,advanced procedures that I onlyread about and hoped and prayedwould not someday be my lot.

I was amazed at her ability toempathize with me even whenwhat I was going through waschild’s play for her. She helped methrough the maze of confusingmedical jargon and assisted me ininterpreting confusing lab results.She stayed on the phone with me

to help pass the time as I waited for the doctor’s returncall and instructions, and would give steady doses ofhumor and chizuk whenever needed. It was Chanie whostood by me, and she lovingly and happily shared her prac-tical tips and general advice to help ease the way for me.

Chanie and I would sometimes joke about organizing“something”, some kind of get-together or event for peo-ple like us, mainly because we thought that it would finally

I find thatespecially with the

nisayon ofinfertility, there is a

tremendousamount of

alienation one canfeel from familyand friends, andsociety at large.

enable us to meet each other! One particular exchange ofletters expressed this.

Dear Chanie,A crazy idea popped into my head. Tell me what you

think of it. How about an evening of “Fun and Entertain-ment” just for women experiencing ourshared circumstances? It could be somuch fun! We could get a humorousspeaker. There would be lots of foodand no one would be subjected to un-comfortable scrutiny. And there wouldbe a great Chinese auction. Wouldn’tit be fun?!

Chanie took it one step further.She actually arranged the whole Chi-nese Auction! In her reply, she sharedthe laughs.

Dear Yehudis,I’m going to do the Chinese Auc-

tion. Please pardon my somewhatstrange sense of humor, but it doeshelp me to cope. Here goes:

Split the Pot:He eats half, you eat yours.(Who else is there to share dinnerwith?)

Grand Prize:$15,000 CashCheck can be made out to your father, the gemach, a neigh-bor, the bank, your sister or your credit card company. Thiscan repay the loans you so reluctantly took out to coveryour medical expenses.

First Prize:Lease a luxury two-door car with no back seat.No more excuses needed for not becoming the local chauf-feur.

Second Prize:Full color analysisFeeling blue? Having trouble putting a smile on your face?Then this is for you.

Third Prize:A trip for twoTime out to get away from your stress-filled life.

Fourth Prize:Electronic treadmillTo help overcome the feeling of going nowhere fast.

Little did we dream that, indeed, the day would comewhen such events and get-togethers would be the norm,

offering so many people thecamaraderie, chizuk, and sup-port that we so craved.

But all humor aside, our re-lationship was mostly seriousbusiness. As time went on,Chanie moved on into morehigh-tech treatments thatwere difficult and draining onher, physically, emotionally,and financially. While she did-n’t share every last detail withme, I did know when she wasgoing through a cycle of treat-ments and would offer myheartfelt prayers that all hersuperhuman hishtadlus suc-ceed.

And then there was thetopic that came up from timeto time: What would happenwhen one of us would “moveon” and get positive results?We knew that for it to “hap-pen” to both of us at the sametime was highly improbable,so what would we do? I was

distressed by this dilemma and thought about it often.Chanie’s friendship and support was so precious to me; Ivalued our relationship and couldn’t imagine it ever end-ing. But… what would we do?

We would often discuss this openly, and of course wenever came to any conclusion. It was a tough one, for thisfriendship was initiated and built on the situation weshared. It was not like a friendship between neighbors orschool friends, where the building blocks were cementedby other things held in common. This was an infertilityfriendship that had blossomed into a real connection.What would be when the common denominator was re-moved?

I always hoped and prayed that Chanie would be an-swered first. It wouldn’t be “fair” otherwise, I thought inindignation. She had gotten married before me, had beenthrough much more than me, and besides, she deservedit! I had gone through so many painful cycles with her –

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This is one of thefew areas where noone ever wants tobe considered a

maven or an old-timer. But naturally,over the course of

time, we do becomemore informed and

knowledgeable,whether we like it or

not.

Chizuk from Within

so many failed attempts, so much money and emotionalinvestment down the drain – I couldn’t imagine being an-other source of pain for her.

A year and then another passed. Time seemed to flyand stand still at the same time. We both continued tostruggle in our own ways. And then, after much hishtadlusand prayer, my deepest hope was realized. After a drainingand exhausting round of treatments, the news came. I wasstunned – and ecstatic.

After the initial gush of shock, disbelief, and utter ec-stasy, my thought went straight to Chanie. Instinctively, Isat down to write.

Dear Chanie,This letter is by far the hardest for me to write, and

though I know that I won’t be send-ing it for a while yet, I must write itnow, when my emotions arestrongest.

We’ve gone through this issuemany times before; in fact, wespoke about it just this past week.We knew it wouldn’t happen toboth of us at the same time. So weagonized and agonized over whatwas the right thing to do…. To tell?And when to tell? Do you hearwhat I am saying? A mere threehours ago I got the call back frommy doctor’s office that the BetaHCG came back positive…

I feel like I am dreaming. I can’tbelieve it! Hayinu k’cholmin. Thereare no words. And my firstthoughts were of you. How I dav-ened to hear such words from youfirst! I know the pain and the con-flicting emotions upon hearing suchnews. One can be happy, yet it issuch a stabbing, painful reminder.Believe me, I feel like crying. Theamount of pain and suffering thatyou’ve been through is surely enough.

I remember reading once that when Sarah Imeinu wasblessed with a child, all barren women of her time gave birthas well. In this way, Hashem ensured that her simchahwould be complete. Oh, how I understand that now!

I had an intense desire to pick up the phone and let youknow immediately. You’ve helped me come so far, you de-serve to share in the moment. But I know that it’s not the

right thing. How often we’ve discussed this scenario. ShouldI continue talking and writing as if nothing has happened?That’s so not fair. If I stop cold turkey, isn’t that even worse?That’s indicating what’s going on, but doing so in the worstpossible way.

Remember when we discussed it? We decided that thereare no solutions and we always ended the discussion with“Let’s just get there first.” But Chanie, please forgive me!However I let you know, I only mean the best! I will try myhardest! I will tell you as soon as I can! You are first on mylist! And know that I daven for you and your husband al-ways. Call me when you can, but I understand.

Besuros tovos. You’re the greatest.

Love,

Yehudis

Close and meaningful relation-ships always have a downside tothem: the potential for pain whenthings do not continue along theknown and familiar route. And arelationship built on only one com-mon denominator is especially sen-sitive to this.

I agonized over this during theearly weeks of my pregnancy, alter-nating between the feelings ofhope and anticipation for myselfand the pain and distress I felt forChanie and the other friends I hadmade through the nisayon of infer-tility. By keeping my news a secretI felt like a fraud; this was so not“me.” But I had no choice. I tried tobe sensitive and discreet, and allthe while I just waited and waitedfor the crucial three-month markso I could be open and honest,which is in sync with my nature.

As soon as the first trimesterpassed, I took out the above letterand prepared to send it to Chanie.

I wanted her to see that my thought and feelings werewith her from the beginning. I remembered the times I wason the other side, watching friends make the longed-forcrossing of the invisible line.

I was determined to try my hardest and do my best tominimize the pain that Chanie was likely to feel. I so cher-ished our friendship and the last thing I wanted was for itto peter out. But I knew that it was Chanie, as the one who

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And how aboutthe feelings ofsomeone else

moving on whileyou still remain

behind? Thehappiness for

someone’s long-awaited simchah

along with thepain of being theone still waiting?

was still waiting, who would take the lead. This was hercall, and I would honor and respect whatever she decided.I wrote:

Dear Chanie,It is about two months since I

wrote the above letter, but the painhasn’t lessened at all. I wrote that Iwould tell you as soon as I could, andnobody knows yet besides our par-ents. You understand that I couldn’ttell you earlier, don’t you? I know thisis hard; I wish with my whole heartthat I could make it easier.

You know, in a certain sense I feelthat I am still on the “infertile team.”It seems the feeling never eases.What’s that line – “It ain’t over till it’sover”? Things aren’t going verysmoothly (did I ever think theywould?), and we’ve had quite a fewscares. Boy, does it shake me up. Thefact that we waited so long greatlymagnifies the fear that comes alongwith each problem we run into. I stillfervently daven for “zara chayahv’kayamah” – for all of us. Between allthe bloodwork, medication, injections, and scans, we totterregularly from ecstasy to fright. May Hashem help us all.

Chanie, I understand that responding is hard for you. Ithink of you all the time. Write when you can and please dowhatever is best for you.

Love,

Yehudis

I waited anxiously for her reply. Finally, it came. Withtrembling hands, I opened the envelope and my eyes wentquickly down the familiar script.

Dear Yehudis,Hi! Thanks for writing. I’m struck speechless. Mazel tov

to you. I hope you understand the delay in time since yourletter was received – there’s been a lot going on, and thenyour letter came, which took me totally by surprise. But Iam grateful that you told me. As much as it hurts, it hurtsfar more not to be told.

It sounds as if you are going through a bit of a rough time.I’m also sure you’re going through all the mixed emotionsI’ve heard about from other former infertile friends: feeling

infertile but being pregnant… having infertile friends butjoining fertile discussions.

Somehow I feel lonely knowing that you’ve taken thegiant leap into the world of the fertile. Maybe that’s a mean

thing to say, but it’s the painfultruth. Who knows how long afriendship can last when livestake such different paths? Isn’t ithorrible to think of a friendshipas disposable, just because of apositive pregnancy test? I can’tbelieve I am being so honest withyou and sounding so bitter.

At the same time… I hopeyou’ll understand and forgiveme.

It took much courage andthought for you to write to meabout your good news. You musthave spent days thinking of howor when to share, and I see thatI was in your thoughts from thevery beginning, and I amtouched. I appreciate that youdid not think of hiding yournews until it was obvious. Afterall, we have never met, so you

could easily have hidden it until then.

My sister-in-law, who was obviously expecting, thoughtthat not telling me was the polite thing to do. She didn’tbother calling me to tell me that she was in maternity cloth-ing even though we were going to a simchah together. Shejust got into the car in a maternity outfit and said nothing.Boy that was hard for me. I desperately needed time to di-gest her new look.

I suppose you thought I might never respond to your let-ter. It seemed like that from the way you ended yours. Didyou think our friendship would end abruptly just like that?Well, quite frankly, it could have, except for the fact that Ibelieve in confronting obstacles I meet up with, and so notonly am I responding, I’ll even tell you news – or lack thereof– on my end…

Chanie was amazing. I am sure it was exceedingly diffi-cult for her. In preparing to be interviewed for this article,I asked her to share her thoughts and feelings from thattime. “When you became pregnant,” she told me, “it wasnot as hard for me as it was when my neighbors had kidseach year or when I got requests to be kvatter for the samecouple more than once. You really tried to be extra sensi-tive and careful, while still maintaining the close and open

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I will never forgetwhere I was when

the call camethrough. I was in

the study, sitting atmy husband’s desktrying to file somepapers, when the

phone rang. It wasChanie.

Chizuk from Within

relationship we shared. I know that it wasn’t easy for youeither. It was a tightrope – on both ends. It took a wholelot of trust and mutual good will. But it was so worth it!I’m ever grateful our friendship withstood that test.”

And how about the feelings of someone else movingon while you still remain behind? The happiness for some-one’s long-awaited simchah along with the pain of beingthe one still waiting? “I remember feeling happy for you,”Chanie told me, “yet still a little envious. I’d wonder if theday would ever come when I’d be a mother. I used to lookinto the back seat of my car and imagine what it would belike to have a car seat, voices, and amess instead of a clean, quiet,empty seat.

“After you gave birth, we stillspoke often, but at that point, mysituation began to seem bleak andhopeless. We were already past our10th anniversary and running out ofoptions. At time, I was so sad anddistressed about what was goingon. I could not relate to your new re-ality. You really always were a goodlistener and I still felt I could confidein you and share some of my strug-gles and pain.

“However, I have to admit thatsometimes I could not talk to youwhen I was having a down week orwhen your baby (who was so bless-edly colicky, remember?) wasscreaming in the background.”

Our column in A TIME drew to aclose with the birth of my daughter,but our close relationship continuedto blossom and flourish. I giveChanie the credit for this; this storyis about her triumph. She had thecourage and strength to keep up the friendship even thoughshe was becoming more and more discouraged about herown situation.

For my part I davened for her fervently all the while, lis-tened quietly when she vented to me and tried my hardestto empathize and let her know how much I cared. I was care-ful never to sound like I “knew” what she was going through,always acknowledging that, compared to her, I had “gottenaway with murder.” I felt awful for her plight.

When I became pregnant with my second child, it was re-ally hard. By this time, our relationship had evolved to the

point that I blurted out the news to her not long after I foundout myself. It turned out that the timing was really tough forher, as during that conversation she told me that she wasgoing through a particularly difficult treatment cycle.

My heart broke; the contrast was just too stark, and ithurt so badly. I truly loved and cared for Chanie, and her painwas a real ache for me as well. As she continued to confidein me the particulars of the treatment protocol for that cycle,I began silently pleading with Hashem. I begged Him to seehow wholeheartedly Chanie was sharing in my simchah andnot allowing her lack of good news to mar the joy of mine.

“Please, Hashem,” I prayed. “She hassuffered more than enough. Andlook. She does not begrudge myhappiness; she just waits, hopes anddreams for her own. Please send hera miracle!”

• • •

I will never forget where I waswhen the call came through. I wasin the study, sitting at my husband’sdesk trying to file some papers,when the phone rang. It wasChanie. “Are you sitting?” she askedme. “Yes,” I automatically answered,for indeed I was, and it didn’t entermy mind that she’d be saying any-thing close to what I was alwayshoping and praying I’d hear fromher. For months, the dismal reportsfrom her doctors had made hopeso dim that I almost didn’t allowmyself to think in that direction.But… here Chanie was, on the line,asking me if I was sitting, and thenshe said just three words.

“I am expecting.”

It is more than ten years later, and I still get tears in myeyes when I recall that moment. What had Chanie said?Chanie… was expecting…? I was too stunned for words. Mymouth ran dry and I couldn’t say anything. Several long mo-ments of silence passed. I tried to articulate some words, tono avail. I just clutched that phone to my ear… and cried.

“Are you there, Yehudis?” she whispered.

• • •

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There was Chanie,sitting on the

couch, cradling themost gorgeousbaby boy I had

ever seen. My eyesclouded as weboth put downour babies andembraced, ourtears minglingwith our smiles.

You’d better believe I was there. I was there, severalmonths later, at her miracle baby’s bris. Yes, I lived very faraway and the drive was long and daunting, but I was de-termined to be there, no matter what. My heart wassinging as I parked my car outside her home and made myway up the unfamiliar steps. Chanie and I were going tomeet – and b’chasdei Hashem, it was under the most joy-ous of circumstances.

I held my little girl tightly in one hand and balanced mybaby’s car seat in the other. I knocked firmly, my heartpounding in my chest. The door opened and I was usheredinto the living room. There was Chanie, sitting on thecouch, cradling the most gorgeous baby boy I had ever

seen. My eyes clouded as we both put down our babiesand embraced, our tears mingling with our smiles. It wasa moment of triumph.

The triumph of hope and joy.

The triumph of answered prayers and realized dreams.

But most of all, it was the triumph of a friendship thathad withstood the test. The triumph of a woman, my dearfriend Chanie, who had transcended her personal pain andmade our friendship endure.

_____________________________________

Taken with permission from Binah Magazine. Copyright2011. All Rights Reserved. Binah Magazine

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“Some people come into our lives and quickly go.Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our

hearts. And we are never, ever the same.

Experienced a loss?You are not alone.Support and help is justa phone call away.

ATIME Support Line

718.437.7110For a Pregnancy Loss Support Packet

please call the A TIME Office:718.686.8912

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For immediate assistancecall Malkie at:917.627.5528.

A TIME is the premier, internationally acclaimed organization that offers advocacy, education, guidance, research and support through many programs to Jewish men, women, and couples struggling with reproductive health, pregnancy loss and infertility.

L et me introduce myself. I am Nobody Special. Duringmy school years, I never enjoyed or sought popularity.

Always seated in the corner of the classroom, I cared little forclass gossip or the latest fads. I didn’t mind anyone’s business,and neither did anyone mind mine.

Fast forward several years. I got engaged at the same timemost of my classmates did, baruch Hashem, married my won-derful husband, and lived my own little life. A year after ourmarriage, I became frantic about my inability to conceive. AsI watched one friend after another celebrate the birth of theirchildren, the isolation set in like a cloud of dust, enveloping

every inch of my being. However, being rather reserved by na-ture, it was not the isolation that troubled me; it was the sud-den, unspoken attention I seemed to be drawing.

Walking into our annual class reunion on Chanukah, I feltlike the elephant in the room. As limited as my interactionshad been in the past, I had always been able to chime inabout this teacher and that lesson, and later on about my ex-periences at work. Now what? I tried to sit motionless on theside while my friends discussed their morning sickness andbaby blues. I almost suffocated from holding my breath… Butsure enough, I was noticed. Oh, I don’t mean noticed by in-

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Sparksof Connection

Chizuk from Within

clusion; I mean the indirect, sharp glances aimed in my directionas they carried on talking. Now I could no longer be inconspic-uous. My stomach had suddenly become the public object offascination.

A wave of relief melted the tension I was feeling as I finallyexited the room. Most of my classmates quickly filed out. Somesaid to me, “Call me sometime.” I said Iwould, but had no intention of doing so.I didn’t have to; they called me. Mostcallers were classmates I had barely ex-changed a word within the past. Theysaid in an overzealous tone, “How areYOU doing? I never see you, hear fromyou…” I was rather annoyed at first.

As my journey through infertilityprogressed, however, I had a change ofheart. I was actually moved by their ges-ture and show of concern. I pictured anoverwhelmed mother of three, thenfour, stepping out of her own bubbleand setting aside the time to inquireabout her childless friend. I did feel likea charity project, but secretly found sol-ace knowing that in a world so wrappedup in the whirlwind of motherhood,somebody on the inside cared enoughto think about me. Additionally, I real-ized that I may be engaging in a greatercharity project than she was in; she felt helpless, and by allowingher to reach out, I made her feel needed. Once I adopted thatattitude, social interactions became so much easier, from every-day life to simchas and get-togethers of all sorts. And of course,once I discovered ATIME, I found the opportunity to becomepart of a circle where I felt I do belong. The various people I met,and the chizuk I received throughout this journey, gave me theconfidence and proper perspective to survive. Furthermore, ithelped me brave this storm with grace and tact.

Years have passed, and infertility has become a part of mylife. There are times when I barely grant it a fleeting thought.As Chanukah approaches, I reflect on past Chanukahs that haveheld some of the coldest and darkest days of my life. I rememberthe Chanukah that should have been my due date. I recall theChanukah that dashed my hopes, as we failed yet another cru-

cial cycle. And here I sit yet again nearthe Chanukah candles, still childless.Yet, as cold and dark as those days were,I have still basked in the warmth andglow of the Chanukah licht.

I lean closer to the candles, en-veloped in its ambience of warmth andprotection. It kindles new energy in myheart, and inspires me to forge ahead.Lighting another candle each day, I feelthe presence of Hashem hovering overme.

I utter a heartfelt prayer. Yet, I feelfoolish to beseech Him. I feel no senseof entitlement, having somewhat shutdown emotionally, which is affectingmy davening and connection to Him.And now that I am hurting, I come run-ning to Him? Why should He listen tome?

As I sit in silent introspection, athought flashes through my mind. My social life is a parable tomy davening. Typically, I am shy and quiet, with no one givingme a second glance. Now that I am going through this chal-lenge, though, I seem to get noticed all the time and am treatedwith sensitivity. So too, my davening may have been quiet. Butnow I am special. I am different. I have a special place in Hisheart. If my friends, whom I barely interacted with in the past,go to such great lengths to show they care, what is there to sayabout my Father in Heaven? He has been waiting for me for along time.

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I lean closer to thecandles, en-

veloped in its am-bience of warmthand protection. Itkindles new en-

ergy in my heart,and inspires me to

forge ahead.

By Debbi Kahlstein

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Chizuk from Within

“I just know you are going to love it here…” the sugary voice ofthe real estate agent broke through my daydream, in which our

future house featured prominently. “This yishuv is known for its warmand friendly atmosphere; there are several shuls to choose from; you’llnever find a house at this price so close to Yerushalayim; and the schoolsare some of the best in country.”

My husband had known from the start that this was where hewanted to live: he had gone to yeshiva right nearby. Besides, his Aus-tralian country spirit had never been fully at peace in the city. Now itwas up to me. I, on the other hand, had always lived in the city. I likedstrolling down the busy boulevards, catching buses home after late-night events, and having the world within walking distance.

I stood silently, gazing out at the glinting sunset reflected in the sur-rounding mountains’ embrace. I visualized the mikvah the olei regelyears ago immersed in that stood just outside the town’s borders, imag-ined walking up the hill to a morning Tanach shiur at eight and thendown at nine. I admired the array of head coverings on the women –

bandanas, hats, scarves, sheitels – and the little boys – blue, white, black,intricately embroidered Yemenite designs. It was a sea of color – past,present and future – nestled within the stark green and brown peaksof Midbar Yehuda. I liked what I saw. “It’s perfect,” I said. “It’ll be home.”

We moved in just before Pesach. I instantly loved my new house.And like any good relationship, it improved consistently with the timeand efforts I put in, hanging pictures in the living room, planting impa-tiens and a real cherry tree in the front garden! My husband was wel-comed in shul and soon had his makom kavua. The grocery lady quicklylearned my name. And just as the real estate agent had promised, it wasindeed the perfect place for raising children. There was just one prob-lem: We didn’t have any.

It wasn’t that we hadn’t noticed until then. The fact that we werealready married for five years and had yet to be blessed with childrenwas rather hard to ignore. But the city had been…well… the city. I neverknew whether the couple across the hall had two kids or five or whetherthe noise over our heads came from a dozen kids under the age of ten

By Yael Ehrenpreis Meyer

A Sense of Belonging

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or teenage boarders who liked to party. On the yishuv, by contrast, Iknew for a fact that of the 278 families living there, we were the onlyones without a child. And just in case I wanted to forget, the reminderswere constant: In response to my friendly greetings, my new neighborswould immediately inquire “ages and grades,” wanting to know at theoutset which of their own children could play with mine. My warm“good mornings” stopped cold.

I set out to shul on our second week. The grandmother in the nextchair complimented me on my apparent diligence. “How impressive tosee a young mother at shul. What a good example you must set foryour children.” The following week, I davened at home. The local play-ground loomed teasingly just a few houses down – at once so near andyet so far away. I started taking the long way up to the bus stop.

Two months after we arrived, the English-speakers’ email list an-nounced the first-ever “women’s get-to-know-you” evening, designedto give all of us newcomers a chance to make friends. Finally, here wasan opportunity to meet people that didn’t depend on one’s kids. I lit-erally counted down the days until the big night arrived. I took my placeand expectantly looked around at all the other people who wouldshortly become my friends. The organizer announced that we would

go around and give each person a chance to introduce herself. I imme-diately began mentally planning my introductory speech; after all, Iwanted to make a good first impression.

“My name is Esther,” the first woman began, “I moved from Monseythree months ago with my husband and four children, aged 2, 4, 6, and8.” Linda was the next to speak: she was from Baltimore, had just had ababy, her third child, and celebrated her eldest’s fifth birthday. And shewas an accountant.

I was starting to sense a pattern. Apparently, “introducing yourself”meant listing your offspring. With growing uneasiness, I calculated howmuch longer it would be until my turn. The woman two seats awayhad just finished holding up a picture of her happy family of seven. Imumbled something about a burner left on – and ran. My poor hus-band was at a loss as to why his wife had returned from the much-an-ticipated party weeping. I, in turn, had to force myself to go to the nextget-together. I was determined not to let my self-consciousness im-prison me inside my very lovely home. Instead, I would go out and min-gle − and feel part of everyone around me. In this I rarely succeeded.

My neighbors couldn’t win. A Shabbos invitation meant they feltsorry for me. When no one invited us, I assumed that without kids we

I was starting to sense a pattern. Apparently, "introducingyourself" meant listing your offspring.

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didn’t rate as desirable company. People who included me in conver-sation must be pitying me, and the range of topics in which I couldn’tjoin was a relentless reminder of my “difference.” I yearned for theanonymity and heterogeneity of the city. Sometimes I even yearned toreturn “home” – back to New York, where, I conjectured, the sense ofbelonging in my family would compensate for constantly feeling apartfrom my community.

In calmer moments I realized that my neighbors couldn’t possiblydo the right thing – because I myself wasn’t sure what the right thingwas. Sometimes I wished that someone – anyone – would notice mestanding by the sidelines at the Kiddush and, realizing how left out I felt,come over to sympathize. Other times I prayed to be treated just likeeveryone else. I wished for conversations in which I could participate,but on the flip side, dreaded the self-conscious sense when others feltcompelled to change the topic because of my presence.

On our first Simchas Torah, I insisted on going to shul. My husbanddidn’t have a choice, I reasoned, so why should I get to take the easyway out and stay home? Standing crowded amongst – yet miles away– from the other women, watching them watch their children dance,engendered a sense of pain that rose above the noise of the hakafosand threatened to engulf me entirely. I turned to leave. A neighbortapped me on the shoulder. “Next year, b’ezras Hashem, yours will bedancing there too.” Then she was gone. I stayed.

That summer marked two years since our move. In July, fifteen fam-ilies in the neighborhood celebrated a new arrival. Our English-speakingwomen’s email list, already known as a ceaseless conduit for chesed andgood-deed-doing, nearly exploded from the volume of communicationas two-weeks’-worth of meals were arranged for each newly-expandedfamily. Our home was busy, too. We were traveling into Yerushalayimevery other day for blood tests and ultrasounds, learning how to injectneedles, and trying to understand the small print on strange drugs. Itwas our first attempt at a new procedure for infertility.

The night before one segment of the procedure, we were walkinghome through the balmy night when I suddenly burst into tears.

“What can I do for you?” my concerned husband pleaded. “Anythingto make you feel better.”

“I want… someone… to make me a meal,” I blurted out betweensobs.

“A meal,“ he repeated, more calmly, glad to have something concreteto do. “No problem, what kind? I’ll buy you any meal you like.”

“I want a tuna sandwich…”

He was relieved. “No problem – I’m on the case!”

A fresh burst of sobs was the only response. “I don’t want you to buyit for me,” I finally explained. “I want someone to make a tuna sandwich

for me.”

“But how can anyone prepare a meal for you,” he asked, all too rea-sonably, “when no one knows what you’re going through?”

His logic was wasted on me just then. But his words hid in thecrevices of my memory where they gradually did induce a tectonic shiftin my thinking. So it was, that several procedures later, I did somethingradical: I shared what we were going through with a neighbor. Three ofthem, to be precise. One had waited fourteen years to have a child; theother had eight children, yet always seemed to know the right thing tosay; the third never asked me questions I couldn’t answer.

Now my weeks of medical appointments were interjected with con-stant calls, visits and little “pick-me-up” gifts. On the day of anotherprocedure, one of the three husbands volunteered to pick us from thefertility clinic an hour away. As he drove us home from our physicallyand emotionally enervating day, my husband dozed, but I was toopumped with adrenaline (or the wearing off of anesthesia) to sleep. Ihalf-noticed our driver speaking softly into his phone. As we reachedthe entrance to the yishuv he got on the phone again. We pulled up infront of our house – where our other neighbor, father of eight, stoodon our doorstep. He handed me a package. The label read, “soup,lasagna, chocolate cake, with all our love.” It was hot; fresh, just-out-of-the-oven steaming hot.

“What is this?” I asked.

My neighbor, who had just devoted three hours to bringing ushome, smiled. “We wanted you to have your homemade tuna sand-wich.” For the first time that day, I wept.

Nine months later – and eight years to the day my husband and I

I wished for conversations in which I could participate, but onthe flip side, dreaded the self-conscious sense when others felt

compelled to change the topic because of my presence.

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had gotten engaged – I held my baby girl in my arms for the first time.My daughter. I stared down in awe at the tiny human being who hadmade me a mother, and I was finally at peace. It was the second day ofSukkos and I knew immediately that I wanted my Sukkos baby to benamed on her Yom Tov, with the day of Hoshana Rabba as my idealtime. Five days later, in the presence of family and friends, the Rav an-

nounced my baby’s name. My father, hearing his mother’s name be-stowed upon his long-awaited granddaughter, wept. My husband, whohad chosen the name, smiled.

My mother, sisters, and I headed down to the immense communalsukkah in which our daughter’s Kiddush had been elegantly laid out bymy neighbors. I approached the sukkah and paused. There was noroom. The entire yishuv population, from what I could see, was squeez-ing themselves inside that sukkah, to celebrate the birth of my little girl.

Despite the crowd, silence reigned as I spoke, explaining our daugh-ter’s name, “Et-elle Emunah.” In addition to being a Hebrew form ofher paternal grandmothers’ names, “Ethel” and “Erma,” her name couldalso be translated both as “a time for faith in Hashem” – a concept

that resonated with every individual who had ever had to wait for theirprayers to be answered in the right time – and “a time for Hashem’sfaith in us,” referring, I explained, to the moment when Hashemchooses to place his faith on us and give us the gift that makes us par-ents.

My daughter had become a star. Cars would stop short alongsideme as I pushed her in her carriage (Me! Pushing a baby down thestreet); the mayor, the security chief, the rebbetzin – everyone was con-stantly asking how she was. Invitations to simchas included a special“Of course Etelle is also invited,“ notation. Yes, my daughter had be-come a celebrity – and I had arrived. I finally belonged!

Two years have now passed. The euphoria has faded, to be replacedby reality. It’s a voyage of discovery, in which I have found out first-hand how wondrous it is to watch a child’s mind at work. I discerned,too, that I cherish aspects of motherhood other parents seem not evento notice: The excitement of Gan pick-up time (that call of “My Ima!”is directed at me!); her school birthday party (We showed up with bothcamera and camcorder in tow.); tiny dresses hanging out to dry. (“Whoknew wet laundry could be such a source of nachas?” my husbandcommented.)

On this voyage of exploration, I’ve discovered, too, that my heart isstill fit enough to turn a few near-perfect cartwheels at the sight of myneighbor’s newborn, as my daughter keeps growing (I’m not jealous,I’m just...); that while I now have my own chevrah to schmooze withat the park, they still discuss homework, PTA, and sleepovers – issuesI cannot yet contribute to.

And, slowly, it dawned on me that having crossed the bridge frominfertility to motherhood didn’t guarantee me a free entry into society.I have to enter at my own free will, and realize that I don’t have to fitthe mold to be there.

If I choose to compare myself and focus on catching up to others,I will constantly be chasing the elusive “ideal life” I had envisioned.There’s no point in pushing time, in trying to achieve a milestone, be-cause life is not a race. While we have no control over our destiny, wedo have control on how we handle it.

The best gift I could’ve given myself is to realize that there’s nomagic wand to happiness or belonging. The power is within me, andin no way contingent on external circumstances.

“Nobody can make you feel inferiorwithout your consent.

– Eleanor Roosevelt

JEWISH FAMILY WEEKLY

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Chevy: Infertility is not easy. Yet, there are different de-grees of hardship within this challenge. What did you findare the more difficult aspects of infertility?

Naomi: Infertility presents many difficulties, especiallyto us living in frum communities where it is the norm that

everyone has a lot of children all the time, and there areconstant reminders of our lack. One has a baby, the nextone is pregnant, and we end up feeling out of the loop sooften.

Another aspect is that growing up in the Bais Yaakov

Chizuk from Within

InterviewOne of my favorite quotes from the ATIME boards is “A friendship is born at the moment when one person says

to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one.’” –C.S. Lewis. This, in essence, is one of the most vitallifelines that ATIME provides for their couples: friendships that are created from the sturdy bonds of sharing a painful sit-uation with another person who really understands. One of the most helpful things to hear when you are suffering is thatyou are not alone. ATIME gives their couples a hand to hold during their entire, often difficult, journey of infertility.

Below is a candid interview between “Chevie Shiffrin” and “Naomi Sacks” that offers insight, advice, a touch of humor,and a strong dose of chizuk to anyone going through this nisayon. Naomi went through eight years of infertility, in whichmany had not believed that she will ever conceive, after which she was miraculously blessed with a daughter.

world, I was taught that my tafkid in this world is to be amother, a link in the chain of our mesorah for the next gen-eration, and when I did not follow in this predeterminedpattern, it hurt to wonder what my tafkid may be; it washard to accept that the Higher plan is not what I had hadbeen trained for as a teenager, and as difficult as it is, to liveeach day to its fullest while taking this alternate route inlife’s journey.

C: On the flip side of the coin, tell me about one thingyou feel you’ve gained from this challenge.

N: Although I would never choose this independence, myhusband and I had the luxury of just getting up and travel-ing together whenever we felt like doing it. Besides forwhich we had the opportunity to get to know each otherso much better and on a more meaningful level than cou-ples who have kids right away and get distracted from eachother. Also, in hindsight, I feel that I became a more under-standing and sensitive person and more accepting of otherpeople. I firmly believe that infertility has changed me, as aperson, for the better.

C: What was one circumstance that was very hard to findyourself in, and how did you respond to it?

N: Throughout my journey I had a lot of friends goingthrough infertility, and then each moved on and I was leftfeeling very lonely. It hurt each time anew.

One very close friend got married after me and had ababy boy before me. I remember how I couldn’t stay insideduring the bris, and I ran out crying. At that point it wastoo painful for me to witness my friend’s simcha. BaruchHashem, the bris took place in the same building as myworkplace was, and I just dove into my work. I knew that ifI would think about it, it would be too hard for me to deal

with. You have to know yourself and try not to put yourselfinto a situation that is too much for you to handle.

I would also like to mention something of importance: Iwent for therapy for a year and a half, because I was havinga very hard time dealing with this challenge, and found itmost helpful. I strongly encourage others who feel helplessor too weak to handle it on their own not to hesitate to gofor therapy, as it can be very beneficial.

C: Can you share the funniest comment you ever got?

N: Two of my weirdest comments actually came from thesame person, in the same conversation! It was around RoshHashana time and a woman told me about a segula to eatnuts or hang a shaitel on a tree or something absurd likethat. In the same breath, she asked if we ever thought ofadopting, and confidently claimed that she heard that ifyou adopt you become pregnant right away. The logic be-hind it took the cake: Because once the stress of trying tostart a family is taken off of you, your body is relaxed andit’s that much easier to conceive.

C: Oh my! How did you respond to that?

N: (laughing) I said, “That’s nice but I have to go now.”

C: What was your approach to living in a frum, “child ori-ented” community?

N: My husband and I really worked hard to stay in thecommunity and remain an integral part of it. We live outof town and tried to be “out there” and help others in sim-ilar circumstances understand that they are not the onlyones going through infertility. By helping others we reallyhelped ourselves. I encourage all of you to try to be a voicefor people going through infertility; it really gave us thestrength to overcome this hardship.

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The Shabbaton! It was my lifeline. Starting six monthspreceding it, I already did a mental countdown.

By Chevie Shiffrin

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C: How did your husband deal with infertility?

N: He didn’t have as much of an issue with it; ever practi-cal, he knew we’d have a child, or else we’d do our best toadopt. It hurt him plenty, but he’s a happy person and hetried to accept his challenges with equanimity. He’s ateacher and loves to interact with the children. Lovingly,he viewed his students as his own children and that alsohelped him get through this.

C: And now for the much debated question: What wasyour approach to sharing information with your parentsand in-laws?

N: We tended not to talk about it to either of our parentsand Baruch Hashem, our parents were respectful, so we ba-sically never discussed it.

C: Yom Tov and family gatherings often highlight ourpain, and can prove to be difficult for couples goingthrough infertility. How did you prepare yourself for them?

N:We tried to have a lot of guests, which was helpful untilthe years that the guests brought many children (at whichpoint we invited other guests). We tried to enjoy Yom Tovand did whatever we could to keep our minds off havingchildren, so we could focus on the beauty and spiritualityof Yom Tov and not on what we didn’t have. Family gath-erings weren’t too bad; we liked being surrounded by ournieces and nephews, and we never dreaded it.

C: Wow, what a healthy approach!

C: How did you handle intrusive questions?

N: I confess to being blunt. I had no problem saying, “It’snone of your business.” But, (laughs) if I knew it would re-ally throw them off, I would even tell them the truth! (Onlyabout me, not about my husband) and then people wouldregret their inappropriate questions.

C: Did your employer know what you were dealing with?

N: Yes. I’m an open person. When we started going forinfertility treatment, I was completely honest with her, andfor the most part she was really supportive.

C: What is one way that ATIME has helped you throughthis nisayon?

N: The Shabbaton! It was my lifeline. Starting six monthspreceding it, I already did a mental countdown. “I can man-age because it’s only four more months until the Shabba-ton,” I would tell myself. There were so many amazingpeople year after year whose presence and words of wis-dom I really appreciated. And then it kept me going for thesix months thereafter. I would think, “I might be goingthrough something really hard, but I remember so-and-sofrom the Shabbaton and she went through something evenharder, or I remember what that Rav said etc…” The Shab-baton really carried me straight through the year.

C: What is a piece of chizuk that has helped you and canperhaps benefit others going through a similar situation?

N: There was so much that kept me going, but I’ll zero inon one thing: Every Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur I woulddaven and say that we are Banim L’Hashem – children toHashem, and I would take chizuk from the fact that no fa-ther would make a child suffer so long; that eventuallysomething will alleviate our suffering, whether we willadopt a child, or have one naturally, or not have children–but learn to accept that wholeheartedly. I davened and Ibelieved that somehow Hashem would help us to have thekoach to continue on.

I also focused on surrounding myself with inspirationalfriends and with a lot of chizuk so that I would be able tobe strong in the face of all I was going through.

C: Within our general nisayon, we each have harder daysand easier days. What are some good “pick me up” ideasthat worked for you when you experiencing a day whenyou felt down?

There’s a light at end of tunnel, and though you can’t determinewhat that light is right now, know that it is prepared for you.

Chizuk from Within

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N: I liked to take up new hobbies, and when I got boredof one, I would take up a new one. At one point whenthings got really bad, I started swimming regularly. I foundit helpful to have some type of physical activity to throwmyself into and vent all my frustration in.

I found traveling fun and recreational, and lots of choco-late is awesome! I also went back to school and excelled,which aside from keeping me busy, left me feeling accom-plished and motivated. One of the hardest times of the dayfor me was when husband went to shul and it was quiet athome, so during those hours I busied myself with my stud-ies.

Every individual is different and, of course, what worksfor one, doesn’t work for all, so every person needs to dowhat works best for her.

C: What is some advice that you’d give to friends or rela-tives of someone going through infertility?

N: 1. Don’t complain about your children or schmoozeabout your kids too much, and please don’t compare yourhard situations to ours or try to make us feel that you un-derstand what we are going through.

2. Be sensitive about our privacy. Don’t share with otherswhat has been shared with you.

3. Don’t be nosy or overly aggressive. If there’s some-thing we’d like to share with you, we will; and if we don’t,please don’t pry.

C: Is there any special message you’d like to share with our

readers?

N: Whether you live in Timbuktu, Eretz Yisroel, or any-where else in the world, people have been through thisnisayon before and you are not alone. There’s a light at endof tunnel, and though you can’t determine what that lightis right now, know that it is prepared for you. Our daughteris our light; we never thought that she would be a realityand Baruch Hashem she is. Please try to find joy other thanhaving a child. Keep trying and daven, but expand yourhorizon to include all sorts of joys.

C: Wow! Thank you so much, Naomi. This has been so en-lightening and helpful! One final question: Can you namejust two pieces of advice for someone who is going throughinfertility?

N: 1. Don’t get stuck in a hard place. Take a break; try adifferent doctor; don’t give up; try something new, or letyourself off the hook for a bit. You will come back refreshedand ready to try again, and something new will invigorateyou.

2. You’re not alone; even if you think you are, rememberthat you are never alone. There are so many people outthere who are willing and able to help you. Don’t hesitateto reach out.

C: And of course a terrific source of guidance and sup-port is ATIME, which has a host of wonderful individualswho “have been there and done that”, people who under-stand, who care, and who really want to help you. Thankyou again Naomi; you have been a source of chizuk and in-spiration for us all.

“If you learn from your suffering, and reallycome to understand the lesson you were taught,you might be able to help someone else who’s

now in the phase you have just completed.Maybe that’s what it’s all about after all.

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Chizuk from Within

I sit aloneAlthough many are around meMy lips smile, my heart tries to followThe conversation flows around the tableI listen to my comrades relatingAnd dare to dreamThat in the near future, I will be the oneTo recount with NachasWords from a sweet toddlerOne I can call my own.

My eyes are openYet don’t see those nearbyOnly distant times and faraway places.I entertain a visionOf my hands cradlingAnd my heart overflowing with loveAn image that heartens and buoys meTo continue swimmingTowards a port which is out of sight.

A friend grins to me from across the tableHer eyes understandHer heart is longing tooShe expresses words of encouragementWords that embrace my yearning heart.And when another powerful waveIs on the horizonWe clutch hands, duck our headsAnd brave the challenge together,And now I am no longer alone.

The StormY. Halpert

We all enjoy feeling happy, loved and trusting.However, in our journey of life and specifically

infertility, we must also learn how to swim in the oftenstormy ocean of emotions which we all experience in re-sponse to the fears, failures, frustrations and disappoint-ments we face. We do not want to be consumed withanxiety, sadness or anger. But what do we dowith these feelings when they arise, as theydo in normal people? Few of us can reach thelevel of those saintly souls who have beenthrough terrible tragedies and never com-plained or even cried. How much importanceshould we give to our feelings? How muchshould we share with others? When should wesimply “soldier on” and keep our feelings to our-selves?

I don’t like applying the terms ‘positive’ and‘negative’ to emotions, because the conclusion which manypeople draw is, “I’m good only if I feel good emotions, likejoy, faith and love and I’m bad if I feel bad emotions, likesadness, anger or fear.” Since we all feel these bad emotionsat times, this belief can leave us feeling ashamed of our nor-mal human feelings and our inability to eliminate them en-tirely. After all, even a saintly person is described as having

“a cheerful countenance, even when his heart is grieving”(Chovos HaLevavos, Sha’ar HaPrishus, chapter 4, p. 309, Feld-heim Publishers).

A far more compassionate approach is to think of feel-ings as either connecting us or isolating us from Hashem or

man. Using this approach, any emotion can be usedin a constructive or destructive manner. For exam-ple, if Chani expresses anxiety about undergoing anew treatment and receives comforting empathyor helpful advice, then anxiety is a connecting emo-tion. If Devorah feels guilty for not being able tofully share in the simcha when her younger sistergives birth and asks Hashem for help to changethis behavior, then guilt is a connecting emotion.If, due to fear of illness, Moshe decides to exerciseand avoid junk food, then fear is a connecting

emotion. If Yehudis hurts Miriam’s feelings and, afterseeing Miriam’s pained expression, Yehudis apologizes sin-cerely and promises not to repeat that behavior, thenMiriam’s expression of hurt enhances the relationship.However, if Miriam blames Yehudis and others around herfor being the cause of all her pain, numbs herself with ad-dictive habits or wastes time ruminating about things andpeople over which she has no control, then fear and anger

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Support

Power ofEmotions

isolate Miriam from people, Hashem and from his essentialDivine nature.

Even happiness can be isolating, if it means denying re-ality and avoiding dealing with painful issues that need tobe addressed. People dealing with infertility, un-happy marriages, singlehood, chronic illness orother major difficulties are likely to be attacked bythe self-appointed “happiness cops” — the peo-ple who go around telling everyone to “Cheerup! Count your blessings” or in a scolding voicesay, “Where is your faith? Hashem wants youto be happy no matter what.” If you have theaudacity to express a feeling they don’t like,it’s like they get out their guns and shootdown those “bad” emotions and then goblithely on their way, as you are left feeling evenmore bruised and battered than before. Their one-upman-ship (“I’m better than you because I never feel sad”) is notonly obnoxious, but this suppressive approach is harmfulto our physical, emotional and spiritual health. It does notallow us to take the time we need to adjust to a loss, toavoid certain people, to get more active, to take a break orexamine that the beliefs which we are holding onto maybe the source of our pain. It is quite exhaust-ing to have to plant a plastic smile on ourfaces at all times in order to avoid being “tick-eted” by a happiness cop. If our feelings helpus connect to Hashem and the people aroundus, then even the so-called “negative emotions”will serve a positive purpose. According to theMyers-Briggs personality system, people can becategorized as Feelers or Thinkers. Although weare all a combination of both, those with strongFeeling tendencies (60% women, 40% men) havea great interest in and concern for their feelings and astrong need to share these feelings, either verbally or in cre-ative endeavors. They need frequent reassurances of loveand gestures of concern and appreciation. They may not

function effectively when their emotions are intense. Incontrast, Thinking types (60% men, 40% women) are lessinterested in the world of emotions and may think it is awaste of time to hear about others’ feelings. They have aneasier time disconnecting from their feelings, making deci-

sions which may hurt others’ feelings and are adept atperforming under pressure and showing a“cool” and imperturbable face to the world.

They dislike sharing personal information andmay be irritated by those who do. Although

they may become enraged about issues whichconcern them, especially incompetence or lack

of respect, they are often unaware of their effecton others. Thinkers may view Feelers as hyper sen-

sitive, immature, self-pitying and crazy, while Feelersoften view Thinkers as uncaring, insensitive and even

cruel. Certainly, the Thinking types have an easiertime in life, being less bothered by intense feelings and get-ting praise for their ability to function under attack andstay cool when pressured. Society encourages people to bestoic, keep a stiff upper lip and show only positive feelings.Early in life, many learn the bitter truth — “Laugh and the

world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone.” Andyet, without the sharing of feelings, we cannot formemotional bonds. In fact, the word for feeling,regesh, is the same words as bridge, gesher. Thechallenge for Feeling types is to learn how to feeltheir feelings without falling into self-pity or de-spair, while Thinking types must learn to identifyand validate their feelings in order to be morehumane. Mental health requires that we strikea balance between these two opposite needs.In the world of infertility, there are times when

we need to express our feelings and listen empathi-cally to our spouses, and other times when we need to putour feelings aside, focus on the practical things that needto happen, be good soldiers, and function with discomfort.We fail to remember that we all feel different emotions atdifferent times. We are not good or bad depending on the

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57It does not allow us to take the time we need to adjustto a loss, to avoid certain people, to get more active, totake a break or examine that the beliefs which we are

holding onto may be the source of our pain.

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emotions that we feel. We are human and are good or baddepending on how we channel our emotions, whateverthey may be.

We see different responses to suffering in the Torah aswell. For example: “It grieved Hashem in His heart”(Bereshis 1:6) is grieving a loss: “I am nothing in hereyes” (Sarai to Avram, about Hagar, Bereshis 5:15)and “Give me children. If not, I am dead.” (Rachelto Yaakov, Bereshis 30:1) is expressing pain. “AndYaakov was silent.” (Bereshis 34:5) is maintainingstoic silence. “And Yaakov was afraid and dividedthe camp.” (Bereshis 32:8) “Even if you see thedonkey of someone you hate, help it.” (Shmos23:5) is taking positive action. “You shall lovethe Lord your G-d.” (Devarim 6:4) and “Takecare of the stranger, orphan and widow” (Devarim24:19) is arousing positive feelings:

Many people find it easier to deny, trivialize or ignoretheir own feelings. However, by suppressing our feelings,we miss the messages they want to convey. Even if we dotry to suppress our feelings, they find a way ofgetting our attention, often in addictions orstress-related symptoms, such as teeth grind-ing, insomnia, headaches or digestive upsets.Inevitably, the accumulation of angry feelingsbursts forth when our “nerve resistance” is low,such as when we are over-tired, anxious, hungryor in distress.

Feelings are like children. Often, they are morein touch with the truth than we want to realize. Onthe other hand, our feelings can also distort and ex-aggerate, turning minor irritations into major upsets. Likedoctors, we often misdiagnose our feelings, working our-selves up with excessive drama and self-pity or down-play-ing truly serious events. We can and should feel whatever

we are feeling — the anxiety, grief and outrage which arenormal in times of loss and pain. But then we can gentlyput these feelings to good use. When I, myself, am in dis-tress, I take out my journal and write to Hashem, askingHim for help. Then I put a Magic Marker in my left hand,

and write down the words I would want to hearfrom Him — love, comfort, understanding,

praise, trust and hope. I know that I will neverbe like the Klausenberger Rebbe (see Feldheim

press), who lost his wife and all eleven childrenin the holocaust, but not his indomitable spirit.

In one of the concentration camps in which hewas imprisoned, he refused to leave his bunker

one Simchas Torah, which provoked a terriblebeating by the Nazi brutes, y.sh, who beat him

mercilessly and left him for dead. When his com-rades returned, they were shocked to find him alive,

limping around a little stool with a torn fragment of aGemara, singing his favorite nigunnim and celebrating hislove for Torah. His body was imprisoned and in pain, but

his spirit was free. Even if I never reach this exaltedlevel of faith, I am grateful that my own losses havebrought me to Yiddishkeit and to a level of under-standing and sensitivity that I would never havehad without them.

Just as we make blessings on the food we eat,thereby liberating the sparks of kedusha whichare within the food, we liberate the sparks ofkedusha inherent in the difficulties Hashemsends us. At times when we are feeling sad,depressed or anxious, instead of putting our-

selves down for feeling this way, we should simply acknowl-edge that there are more sparks of kedusha which need tobe liberated at this time in our lives.

(Adapted from Miriam Adahan’s book, You Are a Jewel)

Without the sharing of feelings, we cannot formemotional bonds. In fact, the word for feeling, regesh,is the same words as bridge, gesher.

Support

“Control your emotions, or they willcontrol you.

A:I commend you on your ability for the most partto stay upbeat and positive while riding the emo-

tional rollercoaster of infertility. It is a great accomplishmentto maintain an optimistic attitude even on the day-to-dayride. Your dilemma reflects your mature and balanced rea-soning. On the one hand, when you attend social eventssuch as class reunions and family get-togethers, where thediscussions often revolve around child-centered topics, youtend to feel awkward and uncomfortable. These occasionsaccentuate your lack, and deeply affect your mood. On theother hand, your question demonstrates that you are awareof the negative consequences that you may experience byavoiding these gatherings.

First of all, I would like to differentiate between class re-unions and family gatherings and parties. Although theyare similar in some ways, I feel they should not be lumped

into the same category. Even the term class reunion isvague. Are you referring to informal gatherings of class-mates during the summer or on Shabbos/Yomtov? Or areyou referring to the exciting for most - but dreaded by oth-ers - formal reunion that occurs once every few years. I feelthose class reunions are in a “class” of their own. They aregenerally planned with fanfare and hype and can be verypainful for those classmates whose lives have not “followedthe plan” dreamed about in high school.

You did not choose to experience the challenge of infer-tility. As much as you are obligated to try and grow fromthe journey, your fellow classmates are obligated to displayupmost sensitivity to your situation. In fact, I will share thatthe wonderful class representatives of my high school classfelt uncomfortable planning a typically celebrated reunionbecause they were concerned it would be to painful for the

DauntingDilemmas

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Q: When it comes to social events, such as class reunions, parties, or family gatherings, I often feel like just stayinghome. I know exactly how awkward I’ll feel sitting there as everyone catches up on their news and carries conver-

sations centered on pregnancies and their kids, of course. Although generally, I am able to stay upbeat and positive, eventslike these leave me feeling so down and desperate. However, I am afraid that avoiding such functions will make me evenmore isolated and entirely jeopardize my social life. Do I need to push myself to attend, or is it more important for me totune into my emotions and do what’s comfortable for me then? Any insight?

single and divorced girls in my class. After much deliberation, theychose to forgo the reunion and substituted it with a tzedaka projectin the form of a mailing. Although I am not advocating that everygrade adopt this practice, I am highlighting the great effort that mustbe taken to minimize another’s pain. It is understandable if attendingsuch a reunion feels too daunting and you choose to skip the party.However, if you do decide to attend, it is helpful to bear in mind thatmany of your classmates may not have the “ideal life” we often fan-tasize is being lived by “everyone else.” You may come home sur-prised and enlightened that the stars of the high school play, are notnecessarily leading the roles they would have scripted.

With regard to informal class gatherings, it is also difficult to re-spond with a general answer. As human beings, we share an intrinsicneed to interact and feel connected. However, as individuals, we allcrave different degrees of social stimulation. Although I do not knowyou personally, from your question, it seems that you value relation-ships with your friends and family. Can you choose to reach out andstay connected to those friends that you feel are most sensitive andmature; those you have shared common interests with in the past?Perhaps you will feel more at ease getting together with a smallgroup or even one friend at a time. It is sometimes helpful to findone friend you are especially comfortable to communicate with, andexpress some of the comments or actions you find most difficult todeal with. Often, friends are more affected by the situation then wecan possibly imagine. They walk on eggshells, and as we know, whenwe are insecure and unconfident, we end up saying and doing awk-ward things that horrify us. I pride myself on being a sensitive person,and I sometimes find myself saying “my mother” every second word,when talking to my close friend who lost both her parents at a youngage. Taking the time to thank your friends that make the extra effortto stay connected and maintain a close friendship is a very powerfultool. Your cue will set the stage for success and give you and yourfriends the confidence and conviction that your friendship can with-stand the temporary differences in your stages of life.

Although I know I am preaching to the choir, as you reached outto A TIME with your questions, I cannot emphasize enough thevalue of drawing strength from those experiencing infertility withyou. The empathy and understanding that can only emerge fromthose who “stand in your shoes” will give you courage to keep upties with your old school friends, and new friends as well such asneighbors and workmates.

With regard to family, Simchos and gatherings can be the sourceof the greatest hurt and pain for those experiencing infertility. AsYidden especially, both immediate and extended family play atremendous role in our lives. We are therefore, most vulnerable with

family, because we rely on them so much for physical and emotionalsupport. It is important to recognize how much we are impacted byour family relationships. Even children, who experienced traumaticor severely abusive childhoods, have tremendous difficulty severingbonds with the members who mistreated them. I state this to em-phasize that it is far from simple to cut ties with family members.You are correct in assuming that getting into the habit of avoidingfamily reunions will foster a vicious cycle of anxiety and only makeit far more difficult to attend subsequent occasions.

Often, because we feel so tense about anxiety-provoking situa-tions we get trapped into an all or nothing negative thinking modeand feel utterly helpless. Our brain distorts reality, sending us mes-sages such as “In my situation, it is impossible for me to enjoy myself,and there is nothing I can do about it!” True, one cannot “borrow ababy” before a simcha and alleviate the infertility. However, for-armed is for-warned. As I stated previously, there are some strategiesthat can be implemented to make the situation more bearable atthe least, and hopefully somewhat enjoyable. It can be helpful tochoose a specific family member that you feel most at ease with andplan to spend most of the time with her. If there is something specificthat bothers you, you can share it with her and leave her the job ofrelaying it to others. It can also help to literally prepare topics of con-versation for quiet moments, and prepared lines for those awkwardcomments that tend to slip out of the mouths of little cousins, sib-lings, nieces and nephews. Take the time and envision yourself re-sponding gracefully or changing the topic, instead of (over)reactingand then feeling mortified. A good sense of humor and an attitudeof acceptance and understanding that people generally have ourbest interest in mind can make all the difference.

I do not mean to minimize the searing pain that comments canevoke; especially when they come from adults that are close to usor who we feel “should know better.” It takes a high level of toleranceand faith to recognize that people are only messengers, and all thespecific discomfort is part of the unique challenge tailor-made foreach and every individual. The self awareness you seem to possessis vital. Sometimes, we are obligated to nurture our emotional healthand choose to refrain from attending specific events that we knowwill be unbearable. However, if you feel that it is too painful to at-tend family events in general, I encourage you to speak to a Rav ormentor that can advise you personally.

Finally, my bracha to you, that in the zchus of your determinationand strength, may you be zoche to attend future reunions, partiesand gatherings with full hands and a full heart!

Rivky Bertram, LSW

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You are correct in assuming that getting into the habit ofavoiding family reunions will foster a vicious cycle of anxiety andonly make it far more difficult to attend subsequent occasions.

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How to Treat YourselfAfter a Loss

Support

1. Be kind to yourself and spoil yourself a bit. This includes buy-ing that new book you wanted; taking a walk; going for a manicure;eating out with your husband or by yourself; indulging in an expen-sive chocolate bar; going to an interesting shiur; or joining an exer-cise group...whatever floats your boat and makes you feel (even ifonly a little bit) better.

2. Listen to yourself: If you feel like you need to rest or need tocut off contact with the world for a few days or a few hours a day,if you feel you need to take some time off from work or perhapswork a few extra hours, follow your heart. Listen to yourself as longas it is temporary. Anything excessive, like more than a few days ofno worldly contact, can be a sign of depression. But if you just needa bit of time, hear yourself out and indulge!

3. Don’t forget your husband! He has also suffered a loss. Checkin with him. Maybe he’d also like an iced coffee that you were aboutto buy for yourself...buy him one too! Maybe he, too, needs a littletime “off”; give him some space. Maybe he wants to join you foran evening stroll. Don’t try to brave this alone. Let him be therefor you and make sure to be there for him. Something like this cancontribute to breaking or building a marriage. Let it build yoursthrough open and honest communication. Talk to each otherabout your feelings and needs and be good to each other; you only

stand to gain.

4. Lose any newly gained weight. That weight will be a constantreminder of what has happened. Lose it. And once it’s off, buy your-self something new to celebrate.

5. It’s okay to cry. (It’s not okay to languish in bed for weeks onend not eating, drinking, or sleeping; just sobbing all day. These aresigns of depression.) Within reason, tears are good and healthy. Cryand (secret!) it’s okay for your husband to cry too. A loss is deeplydisappointing and witnessing the end of a potential dream that al-most was is so painful. Allow yourself to grieve your loss and... allowyourself to heal. It’s okay to cry, but it’s also okay to laugh and smile.

6. It’s okay to laugh. Try to find some humor in the situation, andlook for reasons to be happy and hopeful.

7. Above all, don’t forget Who is in charge. Daven. Daven. Daven.Of course, you should daven to formally, but you should daven in-formally, as well. When you cry, direct your tears as tefillos and pouryour heart out to the only One who can really help you. Keep thelines of communication between you and Hashem open and hon-est. Tell Hashem how much you are hurting, and how much youwant to heal, physically, emotionally, and spiritually; and daven foranother chance. Remember that He is always there for you in everyway.

By Chevie Shiffrin

Optimizing Male Fertility

One of the most common questions that a couple at-tempting to conceive will ask is, "What can I do to en-

hance my fertility/chance of conception?" Exposure of testes toexcessive heat, whether recreational (hot tubs, saunas/Jacuzzis) oroccupational (welders, bakers, sedentary jobs with extensive seat-ing [drivers, office workers]) should be limited because heating ofthe testes decreases sperm production.

Patients are also often interested in the relationship betweenexercise and male fertility. Although a sedentary lifestyle may im-pair sperm production, it's not clear how much exercise is helpful.It is evident that men who have excessive physical activity, whereexercise extends more than 90 minutes perday (studied in runners training formarathons) may actually have lower spermproduction than men with more moderateactivity.

The nutritional choices of a man areworth considering. Fortunately, this is anarea where some research has been doneat least a few rationale recommendationscan be made. We know that there are cleareffects of male obesity on sperm produc-tion and fertility. An overweight male hasseveral things going against him from a fer-tility standpoint. First of all, the extra fat onthe thighs and genital region of an obesemale cause the testes to be closer to body temperature, heatingthe testes (that need to be at least 4 degrees cooler than the restof the body) and decreasing sperm production. In addition to thelocal heat effects of obesity, the extra fat affects hormone balancein a male. Testosterone (the major male hormone) is excessivelyconverted to estrogens (female hormones) in obese males, causinglower circulating testosterone levels. This excess conversion of hor-mones in fat can be treated by medications (called aromatase in-hibitors) that block this conversion of the testosterone to estrogensby the aromatase enzyme. Weight loss will eventually change someof the effects of obesity, but acute, sudden weight loss may producea "starvation mode" whereby the body responds to the apparentlack of nutrients by decreasing stimulation of the testis, reducingsperm production. So, although weight loss will benefit a man's fer-tility (not to mention overall health!) in the long term, patientsshould avoid excessively aggressive attempts at weight loss.

What nutritional changes can the "non-obese" male make toenhance sperm production? The answer is not completely clear.Some anti-oxidant materials (selenium, lycopenes, etc.) are knownto protect sperm from oxidative damage, but there is little or nofertility benefit that has been demonstrated to occur from dietarysupplementation with these agents. One of the problems withstudies that involve dietary manipulation is that most of the pa-tients "treated" with a dietary change have not been compared to"control" patients, i.e., men who receive no specific intervention.This "control arm" is critically important because the most com-monly analyzed measure of a change in fertility (semen analysis) is

highly variable regardless of any intervention.So, unless a "control arm" is analyzed in astudy, the "benefit" of an intervention may bedue to random chance rather than a specificimprovement in fertility from the treatmentprovided.

So, what is the ideal diet for a man inter-ested in optimizing his fertility? Unfortunately,we don't really know. Cross-sectional studieshave shown that men who have a diet richerin fruits and vegetables than meats and fatstend to have higher sperm production. So, ju-dicious enhancement of fruits & vegetables indiet is worthwhile. The type of vegetables maybe important to consider as well. Soy-based

diets that are often recommended for overall health may be badfor sperm production. Soy is a very weak estrogen, and estrogensgiven to men tend to decrease testosterone production and stim-ulation of the testes to produce sperm, so it is not surprising thatdietary soy can decrease a man's fertility. The extensive intake ofmeats may also have some of its adverse effects through hormones.In the United States, antibiotics and hormonally based agents areoften given to animals to boost meat development (and milk pro-duction.) Therefore, diets rich in meats may result in exposure ofmen to some antibiotics that adversely affect sperm production,as well as weak or potent (e.g., zearalone) estrogens that impairsperm production.

In summary, diet and lifestyle can have an effect on sperm pro-duction. Men interested in fertility should consider enhancing thefruit and vegetable content of their diets, avoiding excess heat andhaving moderate but not excessive physical activity

Medical

Peter N. Schlegel, M.D.; James J. Colt Professor & Chairman of Urology,Weill Cornell Medical College, New York, NY

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PCOS is a metabolic disorder that affects 5 – 7.5% of allwomen. It is the number one cause of infertility and if

left untreated, can increase risk of endometrial cancer. In ad-dition, women with PCOS are at a greater risk for heart diseaseand diabetes.

Until recently,diet was not thought of as an

important adjunct in treatment. However, since the discoveryregarding the role insulin resistance plays in PCOS, it is nowknown that diet and lifestyle play an important role in thetreatment of PCOS. Diet and weight management will notonly help erratic menses, fertility, hirsutism and acne, but maydecrease the risk of heart disease and diabetes as well. This ar-ticle will discuss the role of diet in PCOS and give practical sug-gestions for meal planning.

Role of Insulin in PCOSExactly why and how PCOS develops is not quite clear,

however most experts now agree that insulin plays a majorrole. Insulin is a powerful hormone that is released by thebody’s pancreas in response to eating food - especially carbo-hydrates. It transports sugar out of the blood and into muscle,fat and liver cells, where it is converted to energy or stored asfat. Many women with PCOS have insulin resistance. Thismeans that the process of getting the sugar out of the bloodand into the cells is defective – the cells are “resistant” to in-

sulin. The pancreas must secrete more and more insulin toget sugar out of the blood and into the cells. High levels

of insulin or hyperinsulinemia, can wreak havoc in thebody, causing any or all of the following conditions:polycystic ovaries, weight gain and/or difficulty losingweight, increased risk of heart disease by increasingLDL and triglycerides, decreasing HDL and increasingclotting factors. In addition, it can increase risk of di-abetes by up to 40% by age 40.

The discovery of insulin’s role in PCOS has broughthopes for better treatment. Treatment is no longer just

aimed at treating the individual concerns (i.e. erraticmenses, hirsutism, acne, etc.), but instead is now aimed

at treating one of the underlying causes – insulin resist-ance. If insulin resistance is present, it is best treated with

diet, exercise and weight loss if needed. Insulin sensitizing med-ications may be used as well. Most physicians prefer to startwith diet and exercise and turn to drugs if needed. Keep inmind that not all women with PCOS have hyperinsulinemia,but the majority do.

Why Don’t the Typical “Low-fat” Weight LossDiets Work?

Approximately 50 – 60% of women with PCOS are obese.It has been shown that losing even 5% of body weight can leadto an improvement in skin, regularity of menstrual cycles anddecreased insulin levels. However many women with PCOSexperience difficulty losing weight, possibly due to high insulin

PCOS and DIETby Martha McKittrick, RD, CDE, Registered Dietician, Certified Diabetes Educator

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levels promoting fat storage. I’ve been specializing in diet andPCOS for the past 10 year and have found that the standardlow fat high carbohydrate weight loss diet may not be the bestapproach for women with PCOS. High intakes of carbohy-drates, especially refined carbohydrates (i.e. sweets, white bread,white rice, etc.) will quickly turn to sugar and cause elevatedlevels of insulin. Since high levels of insulin can cause a multi-tude of problems for women with PCOS, many women findthat they feel better and are able to lose weight more effectivelyon a lower glycemic index diet. This is a diet that includes foodsor combinations of foods that do not cause a rapid rise in bloodsugar.

How Many Calories Should You Eat a Day? I often see women getting caught up in limiting carbs, but

forget to watch calories. Bottom line, when it comes to weightloss, all calories count – whether from protein, fat or carbohy-drate. This must be emphasized as it is common to see womenwho feel they can eat unlimited amounts of protein and fat aslong as they keep the carbohydrate intake low. A hypo caloricdiet must be adhered to if weight loss is to occur. Use the fol-lowing formula to determine your caloric needs:

For weight maintenance

• 10 calories per pound for women who are obese, very inac-tive, or chronic dieters

• 13 calories per pound for women over age 55 who are veryactive

• 15 calories per pound for very active women

If you tend to have a difficult time losing weight and are obese,very inactive, or a chronic dieter, it is possible that you may needto use 8 or 9 calories per pound.

For weight loss

• To lose 1 lb a week, subtract 500 from maintenance caloriclevel

So if your maintenance caloric needs are 2000, you should con-sume 1500 calories a day to promote a one pound weight lossa week.

How Many CarbohydratesShould You Eat A Day?

I often get asked this question! But the answer is - no onereally knows for sure. There are no studies that prove one dietplan works better than others. Bottom line: each woman is dif-ferent and you'll need to find a plan that works for you. Themost important things are that the plan is realistic, healthy andgets you results. See my sample meal plans at the bottom ofthis article for more guidance.

My Top 15 Dietary Recommendationsfor PCOS

1. No one diet works for everyone. Each plan must be tai-lored to suit the individual. In my experience, I have found thatwomen with PCOS who are very insulin resistant, especially ifthey are obese, often have an easier time losing weight and feelbetter on a lower carb diet. However this doesn't mean thatevery women with PCOS needs to be on a very low carb diet.

2. Do not think of this as a short-term diet but rather ahealthy eating plan to be followed for the long term. I don’teven like to use the word diet as it implies deprivation andsomething short- term.

3. A priority in treating insulin resistance is weight loss. Thisis more important than the macronutrient composition of thediet. Even losing 5-10% of body weight will help decrease symp-toms of PCOS.

4. Exercise is a key factor in decreasing insulin resistance. Theideal program includes an aerobic and resistance training com-ponent. The resistance training component should focus onlight weights and more repetition. For weight loss, I would rec-ommend at least 45 minutes of aerobic exercise 4 times a weekand weight training 2 times a week. You can split the aerobicsessions up (i.e. take two 20-30 minute speed walks a day)

5. Select lower glycemic index carbohydrates (i.e. wholegrains, fruit, vegetables, legumes, milk) instead of higherglycemic index carbohydrates such as rice, potato, white bread,sweets.

6. Consume balanced meals that contain protein/fat andcarbs. This will help to control blood sugar, keep you feeling fulllonger and ward of carbohydrate cravings. For example, a sliceof whole grain toast with some natural peanut butter may bea better choice for breakfast as compared to a bowl of cerealwith fat free milk for some women. The higher fat and proteincontent of the peanut butter may satiate you more than thehigher carbohydrate content of the cereal.

7. Very low fat diets are not recommended as they can leadto increased cravings. In addition, they can worsen insulin re-sistance. On the other hand, you should not go overboard withyour consumption of fats as they are high in calories. For ex-ample, 1 T. of olive oil contains 120 calories.

8. Select healthy fats. Limit saturated and trans fats as thesefats can increase risk of heart disease by raising LDL cholesterol.Substitute unsaturated fat for saturated fat and trans fats. In-clude omega 3 fats (found in fatty fish, canola oil, leafy greensand walnuts) in the diet to decrease risk of heart disease. Thesefats may also improve insulin resistance. Other healthy fats in-clude nuts and nut butters, avocado, olive and canola oil.

9. Identify problem behaviors and work on making perma-nent behavior changes. Make small changes at a time. Foodrecords have proven to be a very useful tool in identifying prob-lem behaviors as well as helping you to limit your calories. Who

wants to write down that they had5 chocolate chip cookies? I am a

huge fan of food records andfind that they REALLY help myclients lose weight!

10. Pay attention to howyour body feels after eatingvarious foods. Which foods

set off cravings or decrease en-ergy levels? Which foods make

you feel energized? This is veryimportant to help you determine

what kind of eating plan will work bestfor you. And keep all tempting foods out of

the house if possible!

11. Suggested vitamin / mineral supplements:

• Standard multivitamin• B complex if you are taking metformin• Calcium 1000 mg – 1500 mg (if unable to consume enough

from the diet). • 1-2 grams of omega 3 fatty acids from a supplement if you

are not eating fatty fish at least 3 times a week. • Vitamin D deficiency is being linked to PCOS. Get your Vi-

tamin D levels checked by your doctor. While the RDA is400 IU, I would suggest at bit more … try to get at least 800IU from your multivitamin and/or calcium supplement

• Magnesium: make sure you are consuming adequateamounts of magnesium (whole grains, nuts, beans, avo-cado, shellfish, leafy greens)

12. Practice stress management. Being stressed can raisecortisol levels, which in turn, can worsen insulin resistance.I'm sure we have all heard of high cortisol levels linked to "bellyfat". And, no - those pills such as cortislim don't lower cortisollevels nor do they get rid of belly fat!

13. Get adequate sleep. Being sleep deprived can worseninsulin resistance, make weight loss more difficult and can in-tensify your carb cravings.

14. Plan, planplan! Eat meals at regular intervals. Going toolong without eating will only exacerbate cravings and willmake it more difficult to stick to your plan. Plan healthysnacks and carry them with you. Include lots of veggies atmeals to help you feel full.

15. Tips for Friday nights and holidays: 1. Eat a healthysnack before services and dinner so you are not ravenous be-fore the meal. 2. If you are going to someone elses’ home fora meal, bring a healthy dish that you know you can eat. 3. In-stead of filling up at bread and crackers at the meal, try fillingmost of your plate with vegetable dishes.

Sample Meal PlansI find that many women want sample meal plans, so I de-

vised these 1200-1500 calorie moderately low carb meal plansto be used as a guide for weight loss.

Breakfast:

15 - 30 grams carbs + 100 - 150 calories protein/fat.Total calories = 180 - 310

A. 2 slices whole grain toast with 2 eggs (or 4 egg whites plusone ounce low fat cheese) (30gm)

B. Arnold 2 slices light whole wheat toast plus 1 ½ T. peanut but-ter (15 gm)

C 2 slices whole wheat low carb bread with 1 ½ oz meltedcheese and tomato slice (15 gm)

D 1 cup low fat cottage cheese and 1 cup cubed melon (15 gm)

Lunch:

15 - 30 grams of carbs + 200 calories protein + 50-100 calo-ries fat if desired. Total calories = 300 – 410 (Note you donot have to have the carbs!)

A. Sandwich on 2 slices whole grain bread with 4 oz poultry,fish or lean meat, 1 tsp. mayo if desired (30 gm)

B Sandwich on 2 slices light 100% whole wheat bread with 4oz poultry, fish or lean meat and some fat (avocado slicesor mayo), lettuce, tomato plus one fruit (30 gm)

C. Salad with assorted veggies with 4 oz poultry, fish or leanmeat with 2 tsp. oil, unlimited vinegar. Add 15 grams ofcarbs – pick one: fruit, ½ chick peas in salad, small wholegrain roll (15 gm)

D. 3 oz tuna made with 1 T. light mayo, celery on a salad with4 melba crackers (15 gm)

Afternoon snack:

15 grams of carbs + 100 calories of protein/fat.Total calories = 180

A. 1 small apple with 1 T. PBC. 1 slice of whole wheat bread and 1 oz cheeseB. 15 almonds and a fruitD. 8 oz nonfat yogurt and 10 cashewsC. 80 calories of whole grain cracker and 1 Polly O string

cheese

Dinner:

4 - 6 oz protein, 100 calories fat, unlimited non-starchy veg-gies, 15- 30 grams carbs. Total calories = 445 – 525

A. 6 oz lean meat, 2 cups veggies, 2 tsp. oil (make stir-fry), 1/3– 2/3 cup brown rice (15-30 gm)

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B. 6 oz salmon, grilled veggies, ½ small baked potato with 2tsp. fat (15-30 gm)

C. 4 oz burger, corn on cob, 1 tsp. butter, green salad with 1tsp. oil and unlimited vinegar (15 gm)

D. 4 oz turkey burger on whole wheat roll, green salad with100 calories of dressing (30 gm)

E. 6 oz chicken on big salad (with a lot of veggies), 100 caloriesof dressing (minimal carbs)

After dinner snack:

up to 80 calories

A. one fruitB. 23 pistachio nutsC. 3 cups light popcornD. diet ice pop

In ConclusionHow do you know if the plan is working for you? First, you

will likely find that you feel better, have more energy and fewercravings. You will probably see the scale start to move down-ward …finally! (especially if you are also incorporating exer-cise). You may find your cycles get more regular and some ofyour other symptoms of PCOS improve. And I’m pleased tosay that I have received phone calls from many of my PCOS

patients telling me that they are now pregnant and are askingfor additional dietary guidance!

Bottom line, while having PCOS can be very frustrating,Ireally hope that you can feel empowered by knowing thatyou can improve your symptoms, fertility and health by mak-ing even a few healthy lifestyle changes.

—––––––––––––––––––––––––

Martha has been specializing in Diet and PCOS for the past 10years. She has lectured to women with PCOS as well as to healthprofessionals across the country. She was the nutrition editorthe Dr. Walter Futtterweit’s book, A Patient’s Guide to PCOS:Understanding and Reversing Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Inaddition to being on staff at New York Presbyterian Hospital,Martha has a private practice where she is available for indi-vidual nutrition counselingin her NYC office and via phone. Shewill tailor an eating plan for you based on your goals andlifestyle. Check out Martha’s nutrition blog, City Girl Bites, forpractical information on how to eat healthy and lose weightwhile living a hectic life.

Martha’s Blog: www.citygirlbites.comMartha’s Website: www.martha-nutritionist.com(212) 879-5167Copyright © www.martha-nutritionist.com

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Specializing in Minimally Invasive Laparoscopic Surgery, Including:

Aaron Weinreb, MDBoard Certified in Obstetrics and Gynecology

NYM Associates1309 Ave J Brooklyn, NY 11230 718-677-1710

Most Insurances Accepted Including HMO Medicaid

Laparoscopic Ovarian Cystectomy Laparoscopic HysterectomyLaproscopic and Hysteroscopic Myomectomy

Solo-practitioner offering personalizedand individualized Obstetrical Care.

IVM is a variation of IVF which uses immature eggs removedfrom the ovaries without having to perform an ovulation induc-

tion to make those eggs mature in the body. The eggs are insteadmatured in the laboratory. They are then fertilized, cultured andtransferred as in routine IVF. Injectable medications to stimulatethe ovaries are not used, which eliminates many side effects for thepatient as well as decreasing the expense. IVM also eliminates theneed for most of the ultrasound monitoring which is routine forIVF procedures. Blood tests to assess the progress of the ovulationinduction are similarly eliminated, making the procedure moreconvenient and comfortable for the patient.

History of IVMIn the normal menstrual cycle, an egg develops inside of a cyst

or follicle over a two week period in response to gonadotrophinhormones that a woman produces. The follicle increases in diam-

eter from about 2 mm to about 20 mm. The cells around the eggmultiply over this time period and produce estrogen. The egg isfirmly attached to the follicle wall until increased amounts of thehormone LH (or in medical cycles, HCG) induce enzymes that freethe egg from the wall so that it is free floating in the fluid in thefollicle. It can then leave the follicle after LH also induces enzymesto create a hole in the follicle. During this time, the egg increasesvery slightly in size and all of the chromosomes are contained in amembrane in the cytoplasm. With the increase in LH as a trigger,this membrane breaks down and the egg divides the chromosomesinto two equal groups and moves one of these groups outside theegg (polar body). An egg that has done this is referred to as a ma-ture egg (or MII). In the natural cycle, the egg, which has been freedfrom the follicle, is then picked up by the end of one of the fallopiantubes. If the egg is lucky enough to be fertilized, it again divides thechromosomes into two equal groups and pushes one of them out-side the egg.

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IVM: In Vitro MaturationInformation Source: Pennsylvania IVF and Infertility - Dr. Bruce Rose of Infertility Solutions, P.C.

www.infertilitysolutions.com

Medical

In 1935, it was observed that if rabbit eggs were removed fromtheir follicles, some of them would spontaneously mature. In 1965,Edwards (one of the original scientists responsible for the first babyborn from IVF) showed that the same thing occurred for humaneggs. The first baby born from IVF, Louise Brown, was not bornuntil 1978. The first baby born through IVM was reported in 1991.The first baby born through IVM in North America was throughMcGill University in 1999. The process of IVM was never as efficientas IVF. A commercial media for egg maturation is now availableand the details that enable pregnancies to occur at a reasonablerate in appropriately selected patients has also been worked out.The exact limits of IVM are far from agreed upon, but IVM is clearlyanother tool that can be used to help some patients achieve preg-nancy.

Our programWe started our IVM program in 2009.

We use multiple approaches to IVM. Oneapproach is based on the programmedcycle approach popularized by Dr. JaredRobbins at Brown University in Rhode Is-land. We like this approach because itmaximizes patient convenience. The dateof retrieval and transfer can be chosenmonths in advance. Egg quality is as uni-form as it can be since the eggs receive nostimulation prior to aspiration and it offersthe best opportunity to control the devel-opment of the uterine lining. Another ap-proach we frequently use grew out of thelong established program at McGill Uni-versity. The approach starts with naturalcycle IVF and adds IVM to it. We call it nat-ural cycle IVM. We will often use oral med-ications with it and at times someinjectible medications. This type of cycle can be varied to adjustto differences in patients and often has a better egg collection yieldthan programmed IVM.

Our patients are evaluated during their initial visit with an ovar-ian antral follicle count (small follicles between 3 and 10 mm in di-ameter). The best patients for this therapy will be under age 35and have a total antral follicle count of at least 20. For such pa-tients, we expect our success rate to be similar to the success ratefor our regular IVF patients. (Results over the last several years arereviewed on the abovementioned site.)

IVM or IVF are never the first therapies to be considered for apatient who has not been evaluated, but are certainly indicated in

couples where the sperm count is low (e.g., less than 10million/ml), in a woman with missing or very damaged tubes or ifthe women does not ovulate in response to oral medications. Thework-up for IVM focuses on the semen analysis, the uterine cavity,and the cervix. It thus can be completed very quickly. Once a cou-ple has decided to start an IVM cycle, the women is usually placedon birth control pills for timing and on estrogen for help in devel-oping a good lining in her uterus. An egg retrieval is then sched-uled. Prior to the retrieval, the woman will require one or twoultrasound exams. A nurse anesthetist will provide in office anes-thesia so the patient will not feel the egg retrieval. Eggs will be re-moved and matured in the laboratory. We begin the process offertilizing eggs on the day after the retrieval. The technique used

for fertilization is ICSI, which can compen-sate for almost any male factor problem.Embryos are usually transferred back intothe patient three days after the retrieval.A pregnancy test is obtained two weeksafter the retrieval.

We are one of very few programs in theUnited States to offer IVM. We are cer-tainly the first program in the Lehigh Val-ley and in NE Pennsylvania to offer IVM.We also have the first pregnancy usingIVM in Lehigh Valley/NE Pennsylvania.

Advantages of IVM com-pared to traditional IVF

1. Simplicity

The procedure does not require anymedications to stimulate the ovaries (seevariations on IVM for some exceptions).The IVM procedure eliminates the needfor injectable medications to suppress a

patient’s endogenous (own) gonadotropin production such asLupron, Ganirelix. or Cetrotide. It also eliminates the need for thegonadotropin medications that cause the immature eggs to de-velop within follicles and mature. For example, these are medica-tions include Follistim, Gonal F, Bravelle, Menopur, and Repronex.For most patients, this is the most complex part of IVF. Patientsfind the process of injecting themselves with multiple differentmedications several times a day to be highly stressful. For theprocess to work well, they need to take the correct medication inthe correct amount (which may change daily). Many patients startthe IVF process fearful of taking injections. Some never learn to dothe injections by themselves and need to coordinate their injectionschedule with their friend or partner. By not using these medica-

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We like thisapproach because

it maximizespatient

convenience. Thedate of retrievaland transfer can

be chosen monthsin advance.

tions, the complex monitoring required for IVF is no longer needed.

2. Time Saving

In IVF, the patient is frequently monitored with ultrasoundexams and blood tests to optimize the development of follicles(containing eggs) in the ovaries. This monitoring process usuallytakes 10 to 14 days and requires a number of office visits that arenecessary to guide the ovulation induction. For the patient, this re-quires missed time from work or school. For IVM, in our program,we use one or two ultrasound exams and no blood tests. The pa-tient obviously needs to be there for the egg retrieval and the em-bryo transfer three days later, but these procedures can bescheduled over a long weekend arranged months in advance.

3. Less Painful

Eliminating most medication injections and eliminating allblood tests clearly decreases patient discomfort with IVM com-pared to IVF. Almost all patients handle these discomforts with IVFas a necessary component of the process,but they are still unpleasant.

Generally, the patients who have themost discomfort after an egg retrieval arethose with a large number of eggs, a PCO(polycystic ovary) pattern in their ovaries,or a PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome)diagnosis. (These types of patients alsohave the most success with IVM.) Becausethe medications we use in IVF hyperstimu-late the ovaries, these patients may haveswelling of pelvic tissues and loss of fluidinto their abdomen (ascites). Some experi-ence this for a day or two, but rare patientsmay experience it for several weeks. Thereis NO risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syn-drome with IVM.

Even patients without potential forovarian hyperstimulation, are likely to experience less recovery painafter the egg retrieval procedure. Because the cysts from which weobtain the eggs IVM are much smaller than for IVF, a smaller needlehas to be used. This usually results in less discomfort after the pro-cedure.

4. Lower Cost

IVM patients should have significant savings by not using manyinjectable medications and eliminating most of the monitoring ofa normal IVF cycle. In our program, we estimate that most self-paypatients will save about 50% of the total cost of a traditional IVFcycle. For some patients, IVM will offer them the opportunity todo an IVF variant cycle when they could not afford a traditionalIVF cycle. Patients may realize additional savings if they choose touse our IVM multi-cycle discount program.

5. Safer

IVM is clearly safer than IVF for patients with significant PCO

for whom the IVF ovulation inductions entails the risk of severeovarian hyperstimulation. All IVF involves some degree of ovarianhyperstimulation, but for some patients, the side effect of ovarianhyperstimulation is dangerous and uncomfortable. Some patientget severely dehydrated and loose fluid into their abdomens. Ab-dominal distension may be severe enough to cause abdominal painand difficultly breathing. The patients most severely effected cannot be determined ahead of time, but anyone with PCO is at anincreased risk. IVM virtually eliminates this risk.

6. Theoretical Egg Advantages

Eggs produced in IVM cycles are more similar to each other inappearance than eggs produced in IVF cycles. For example, eggsfrom older patients sometimes have a dark cytoplasm after theovulation which requires high doses of medications with routineIVF. With IVM, eggs from such patients generally have a normalappearing cytoplasm. There is limited and contradictory informa-

tion in the medical literature comparingquality of eggs obtained from IVF com-pared to IVM in the same patient. One es-pecially provocative study, suggests thatchromosomal abnormalities (which arecreated at the time of HCG or at the timeof fertilization) of eggs is reduced withIVM. Earlier studies suggested that chro-mosomal abnormalities were increased.

Disadvantages of IVM com-pared

to traditional IVF1. Limited Use

Perhaps 2000 babies have been bornworld-wide from IVM. This compares tomore than one million born with IVF (57thousand in the United States alone in

2007). There are only a few programs in the United States whichoffer IVM. There are over 430 IVF programs in the United States.In terms of safety and knowledge about the long term impact ofthe getting pregnant process on the resulting children, we can bemore assured about the safety of IVF than IVM. There are a numberof small studies that compare the safety of IVM to IVF within pro-grams and find no safety problems. McGill University in Canadahas an informal registry of babies born through IVM and hey havefound no problems. Another reassuring aspect to IVM is that thereis extensive experience with IVM in commercial large mammals.More than 100,000 cows are produced each year utilizing IVM. IVFhad been an important part of cattle breeding, but has been re-placed by IVM over the last fifteen years. Although I am not con-cerned about safety with IVM, one can never prove safety in anyabsolute way, and the greater our experience with a procedure themore comfortable we are with it and have a greater basis for reas-

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Medical

we estimate thatmost self-pay

patients will saveabout 50% of the

total cost of atraditional IVF

cycle.

suring patients about its safety.

Most practitioners consider IVM to be a minor variant of IVFsince once the eggs have matured in the laboratory, all the samethings are done with them as with IVF. By this reasoning, the samesafety data should apply to both IVF and IVM. However, there areclearly differences in the eggs produced by this procedure. Becauseof the minimal use of gonadotopins with all versions of IVM, somewould view IVM as theoretically safer than IVF.

2. Limited Clinical Data

Because of the widespread use of IVF and the limited use ofIVM, the medical literature about these procedures is not compa-rable. Most management decisions for IVM are taken from whatwe know from IVF. Protocols for IVM are still at an early stage ofevolution and it is easy to ask clinical questions that have no an-swers in the medical literature. Current approaches are very de-pendent on the clinician in charge, their understanding of the IVMand IVF literature, and their clinical expe-rience.

3. Pregnancy Rates

The IVM literature suggests a preg-nancy rate slightly below that for routineIVF to a rate about that of IVF (25-35%clinical pregnancy rate per transfer). Theprimary variable in the IVM literaturethat predicts success is the number ofeggs retrieved. The best candidates forIVM are those young patients with a PCOpattern in their ovaries. These are alsothe best candidates for IVF and have thehighest pregnancy rates as a group. Ageis a key predictor of success with IVF andis also likely to be one for IVM. There islimited data on IVM in older patients orin non-PCO patients. Unfortunately, theCDC/SART national data collection of IVF success rates of pro-grams in the United States does not distinguish between IVF andIVM in its data collection. This means that the government gen-erated data on pregnancy rates from different programs is a mix-ture of the pregnancy rates for IVF and IVM (if they have IVM).IVM is reported separately in some national registries, but mostinclude results with IVF.

4. Cycle Cancellation

Although IVM can clearly result in babies, it takes a lot of eggsto get there. Eggs are harder to get during the retrieval that withIVF. In IVF, the eggs are free floating in the follicle. In IVM, they areattached to the follicle wall and have to be dislodged during theretrieval (which takes much longer). It there are not many antralfollicles, few eggs are likely to be retrieved. A good maturation rateis 40-50%, so you need a good number of eggs to have any to workwith. A good fertilization rate is 70% (similar to routine IVF). These

factors lead to an increased frequency of cycle cancellation in pa-tients who do not have a PCO pattern in their ovaries. (However,cycle cancellation is much lower than it is for procedures such asnatural cycle IVF.)

At this point in our experience, it appears that fewer embryosneed to be created to achieve pregnancy with IVM than with IVF.This may reflect our particular selection of patients for IVM or itmay mean that mature eggs obtained with IVM are more likely tobe normal than mature eggs created through IVF (using high dosegonadotropins). We also see a much difference between individ-uals with respect to the maturation rate and maturation timing oftheir eggs.

5. Program Selection

Although there are important differences between IVF pro-grams in patient management, these differences are much smallerthan the different variants of IVM. Over the years, a network of in-

formation on IVF programs has evolved.The CDC/SART database serves as a toolthat patients can use to begin evaluatingprograms. There is little similar informationto help patients select programs for IVM. Interms of physician management and labo-ratory management, IVM is different fromIVF. There is a learning curve involved intransitioning from one to the other.

Variations on IVMThe approach to IVM outlined above is

only one of a number of approaches taken.Infertility Solutions, P. C. characterizes it asa programmed IVM cycle, because the en-dometrial lining is intentionally developed,the retrieval is scheduled, and go-nadotropins are not used to mature the

eggs in the patient.

Most other variations of IVM use fertility drugs to partly stim-ulate the ovaries. These may be injectable gonadotropins or oralmedications. Some cycles utilize endogenous hormones in ovula-tory patients to stimulate the ovaries and the lining. This is a nat-ural cycle approach to IVM, but generally the eggs in ovaries arepartly stimulated. The retrieval may be scheduled or determinedby ultrasound findings as the ovaries change. We call this naturalcycle IVM.

Programmed cycles work best in PCO or PCO-like patients withlarge antral follicles. Not everyone’s ovaries are the same, even ifthey have PCOS and variations on the theme of IVM sometimeswork better than programmed IVM. At times we do use low dosegonadotropins or letrozole in conjunction with IVM.

One type of augmented cycle is a hyperstimulation IVM rescue.This is where the patient intends to do IVF, but early in the ovula-

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The bestcandidates forIVM are thoseyoung patients

with a PCO patternin their ovaries.

tion induction it becomes clear that she is at high risk of severeovarian hyperstimulation. Many programs manage hyperstimula-tion with “coasting” which involves delaying the egg retrieval whilewithholding gonadotropins. Other programs proceed with the eggretrieval, but freeze all embryos for transfer in a later time period.We believe that conversion to IVM is a better approach.

Other programs do things differently, but augmented IVF maybe recommended in our program for some patients who havefailed IVF, but don’t produce a large number of eggs or have failedother versions of IVM. Generally, there is a higher maturation ratefor eggs obtained from an augmented cycle.

Endometrial LiningManaging the development of endometrial lining is more of an

issue for IVM than it is for IVF. The ovaries produce many hor-mones in addition to estrogen and progesterone. In large amounts,some of these hormones may impair the ability of the lining to ac-cept an implantation. With programmed IVM, the only ovarianhormones present in very large amounts are estrogen and proges-terone. These hormones also suppress androgen production whichmay further help the endometrial lining. For some patients, thismay produce the best lining that they are capable of developing.(There are other relevant details here.)

Managing the lining for IVM is also important since embryosmay be produced on up to four different days. Different programsoptimize outcomes in different ways with respect to this issue andmanagement is likely to undergo changes as more research is doneon the issue.

CancerThe treatment of some cancers may result in sterilization. Pa-

tients often wish to preserve their fertility using advanced reproduc-tive technologies. However, a traditional IVF cycle requires sometime. An IVM retrieval can be done anytime after an induced period.Eggs can then be matured in vitro and cryopreserved. There are IVMpregnancies from both traditional slow freezing cryopreservation ofembryos and from vitrified oocytes. Egg vitrification is still viewed

as experimental, but does not differ much from embryo vitrification(our preferred method of embryo cryopreservation). Unfortunately,data on this approach to fertility preservation is extremely limited.

New or Expanded Indications to do IVM

(Cheaper or Quicker)Infertility differs from many areas of medicine. For the vast majority

of of patients, the only important issue is getting pregnant quickly (asopposed to why infertility exists). For some patients, the higher prob-ability of getting pregnant quickly may be a reason to omit a tradi-tional work-up or less aggressive therapies and go directly to IVM.

Many patients have no insurance coverage for infertility therapy.Some have no insurance coverage to pay for an infertility work-up.Patients who are good candidates for IVM (which can be determinedwith a very minimal work-up), may find it cost effective to do IVM asopposed to a traditional infertility workup or more traditional lowerprobability infertility therapies such as clomid or gonadotropins withIUI.

Medical

Cristina Matera, MDMaureen O’Brien Moomjy, MD

Jessica Rosenberg Brown, MD

50 East 77th StreetNew York, NY 10075

161 Fort Washington AvenueNew York, NY 10032

T: 212.639.9122 F: 212.639.9413

madisonwomenshealthandfertility.com

The most advanced infertility treatments.

Physicians that always have time.

An occasional hug.

And most importantly…

Hope.

Reproductive Medicine Associates of ConnecticutDanbury, Norwalk, Stamford

800-865-5431www.rmact.com

Lingo Guide for Beginners2ww = Two week wait after ovulation

AF = Aunt Flo (flow) A.K.A., your periodAI = Artificial InseminationAO = Anovulation ART = Assisted Reproductive TechnologyASA = Anti-Sperm AntibodyBB = Bulletin BoardBBT = Basal Body TemperatureBCP = Birth Control PillsB/W = BloodworkCD = Cycle dayCM = Cervical MucusDPO = Days Post-OvulationDx = DiagnosisE2 = Estradiol (Estrogen)EPT = Early Pregnancy TestET = Embryo Transfer (IVF)FET = Frozen Embryo TransferFSH = Follicle Stimulating HormoneHPT = Home Pregnancy TestaIF = InfertilityIUI = Intrauterine InseminationIVF = In Vitro FertilizationLAP = LaparoscopyLH = Luteinizing HormoneLP = Luteal PhaseLPD = Luteal Phase DefectMC or m/c = MiscarriageO or OV = OvulationOPT = Ovulation Predictor TestOTC = Over the CounterPCOS = Polycystic Ovary SyndromePCT = Postcoital TestPI = Primary InfertilityRE = Reproductive EndocrinologistSA = Semen AnalysisSI = Secondary InfertilityTMI = Too much information!TTC = Trying to ConceiveUR = UrologistUS or u/s = Ultrasound

917-783-9514

Q Is it possible to have many symptoms of Hyperthyroidism,but regular TSH levels? For a while now, I have felt symptoms

indicative of low TSH, but my blood work showed normal levels.Now, finally, after many blood tests, my TSH came up as low. I amcurrently taking Synthroid. Does this mean I should go by how I feeland lower the dose myself, or just wait months until correspondingresults show up on my blood work? Thank you.

AOne can have many symptoms but the tests for thyroid diseaseare quite sensitive and can pick up disease states of the thyroid

as well.You definitely should not go by how you feel and make determi-

nations to raise or lower your doses by yourself. This needs to bedone with a doctor who has been trained to deal with thyroid issues.It usually takes from 4-6 weeks to reach what is called equilibrium.This is the time when the dose has had the opportunity to give youan appropriate read on the blood results. If you make changes toofrequently and test too often, you will not know which dosage iscorrect for you.

However, if you feel symptomatic and those symptoms are get-ting worse on the new dose, then you need to have a conversationwith your doctor who changed your dosage. Other changes mayneed to be made, but not by yourself.

Hope this was helpful.Harry Lieman, MD

Montefiore’s Institute for Reproductive Medicine and Health

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Ask theDoctor

Medical

Medical

Q Did anybody have success with an IVF cycle using frozensperm that has no motility?

AThis is an excellent question. Sperm with no motility cannotbe used for conventional IVF. We can use non-motile sperm

with ICSI though. Most centers prefer to use motile sperm for eitherprocedure. We just need more sperm to do conventional IVF thanICSI. Speak to your RE and the embryologist at your center, or yourhusband may need to try to give another sample. Take care andgood luck.

Jonathan Schiff, MD

Q I have a significant issue with egg quality as is evidenced byeggs retrieved. Blood work is always normal and follicles

measure the correct size but most eggs come out immature. I havedone several IVF cycles at a top center and have gone for a secondopinion. We have basically tried all protocols. Estrogen primingyields many more eggs but we have had instances where all eggswere immature and usually at least 2/3 of eggs retrieved areimmature. My doctor does not feel waiting longer to retrieve willmake a difference. Is this correct? Additionally, he feels like myprogesterone starts rising and we don’t really have the choice towait (besides for it messing up my lining which we avoid byfreezing). Is there anything to do to improve egg maturity?The next problem we have is that when we have done PGD andtransferred only healthy embryos, I have gotten pregnant andmiscarried twice (first trimester). My doctor feels that there is aminiscule chance of miscarrying once a normal embryo hasimplanted, and for it to happen twice must mean that somethingelse is wrong with my eggs that cannot be determined by PGD.He readily admits that he does not know what the problem is andhe has never seen anyone with this problem. He is concerned thatmaybe something on the mitochondria level is off, or maybesomething having to do with granulosa cells in follicles...But hesaid he is just guessing. He has discussed this at medicalconferences and no doctor had an answer. Just wondering ifanyone here has seen any case like this? Is there anything morethat I can try? Should I be seeing a doctor who deals withmiscarriage/losses or is this all related to my poor egg quality andI should only be seeing an RE?

AThis is certainly a difficult issue and must be incrediblyfrustrating for you. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to provide

adequate advice in this complex situation without carefullyreviewing all of the records from your previous treatments. Myadvice would be to find a board certified reproductiveendocrinologist in your area (one can be located throughwww.socrei.org) to provide a thorough consultation. I know youhave been to several doctors before, but a reproductiveendocrinologist would be the appropriate person to see regardingIVF cycles as well as first trimester recurrent miscarriage. I reallycouldn’t recommend any specific further evaluation withoutknowing the exact details of the case and what type of evaluationhas already been performed. If you do seek another consultation,

I would advise collecting all possible records from previoustreatments to bring to your appointment, including IVF cyclesheets, lab results, medication doses, embryology results,procedure notes (ultrasounds, hysteroscopy, etc) and any otherwork-up you may have undergone. I’m sorry I can’t provide anymore specific advice, but I wish you the best moving forward.

Adam Fechner, MDUMDNJ-New Jersey Medical School

Q I am 27, and after 4 years of Secondary Infertility I conceivedon Clomid, but that ended disastrously. It is now a year later

and my AMH is at .48! My day 3 follicular count was 6 and my FSHwas 5.9. What does low AMH and good FSH mean in terms ofgetting pregnant? My RE says I have “diminished chances”. Am Ilike a 40 year old? Will I reach menopause in 5 years? Do I havechances for the future with Clomid or is my only choice IVF?

ANone of these tests are absolutely reliable. AMH is a directproduct of immature follicles; the more you have the higher

your level. AFC is a count of immature follicles we can see on theultrasound, and FSH is a measurement of the feedback via estrogenfrom the ovaries to the pituitary gland, so these are more likely tobe affected by stress. We, like other facilities, definitely have seensuccess in patients with undetectable AMH levels. I would continueyour treatments, but not waste time. Your body is likely to behavereproductively like you were 37 instead of 27.

G_D bless and good luck.

Peter G. McGovern, MDUniversity Reproductive Associates, Hasbrouck Heights-Mont-

clair-Hoboken

Q I just had my first embryo transfer and have a few questions.

We transferred three embryos because they were day 3, grade2. If some implant, but not all, what happens? Will the embryo dis-solve or will I bleed it out?

Are there supporting statistics of the likelihood of implantationgiven embryo quality? I’m 24 years old.

Are there any signs of pregnancy that I may notice before mybeta HCG in 12 days?

I have heard that some women bleed and it can be either im-plantation bleeding, signs of an ectopic pregnancy, or shedding ofthe uterine lining and embryos that didn’t implant. Is there anyway of knowing which type of bleeding it is if I do see bleeding?

Is there anything that can be done during the 2WW to increasechances of pregnancy?

AAs the embryos are only a few cells, they will dissolve if theydo not implant. Bleeding is related to hormones. There is very

little correlation between symptoms and bleeding and pregnancywith IVF as most patients are taking progesteronesupplementation. As to the specifics of your chances of

Medical

conceiving, that depends on the specifics of your situation andthe program, so you should ask your doctor. Hopefully you willconceive but if you do not, you should have a discussion with yourdoctor as to why he/she thought the embryo quality was grade 2and what his/her proposals are to try to improve the quality foranother cycle.

Good Luck,Susan Lobel, MD

Metropolitan Reproductive Medicine

Q I have annovulation, but don’t have PCOS, and low doses ofClomid make me ovulate rather quickly. We’re doing IUI due

to MF (really low sperm count, about 2 million). Our Rav advisedus to try one more IUI with injectibles, versus Clomid, beforeheading for IVF.

I’m wondering if anyone knows whether there is a huge differ-ence in doing IUI with injectibles versus IUI with Clomid, especiallyif the reason for IUI is MF?

AI think I can explain some of the controversy. If you only makeone follicle, there is not much difference whether it developed

naturally or from one drug versus another. The reason injectiblegonadotropins have a better success rate than Clomid (we find anoverall success increase of 40%, live births per cycle is 11% withinjectibles vs. 8% with Clomid) is that they stimulate the ovariesdirectly and most women produce more follicles on them. There isa direct correlation between the number of eggs and the successrate, as more eggs equals higher pregnancy rates. That is whyinjectibles are sometimes recommended. The downside ofgonadotropins is a greater chance of a multiple pregnancy,especially triplets or more, which is a significant issue. Ourexperience is 12% triplets or more after injectibles, vs. 2% afterClomid and 1% or less after IVF.

I agree that with 2 million motile sperm, IUI is unlikely to succeedand IVF is a much better option.

G_D bless and good luck.Peter G. McGovern, MDUniversity Reproductive Associates, Hasbrouck Heights-Mont-

clair-Hoboken

Q My doctor prescribed estrogen for an FET cycle and told meto continue taking it once I hopefully get pregnant. I’ve read

that one shouldn’t take it during pregnancy as it highly increasesthe risk of fetal abnormalities. Does an RE ever recommend estrogenduring a frozen cycle, and for how long does the patient continuetaking it? I’m worried…

AIgnore the package insert, and take the estrogen. You need itfor a frozen cycle, and there are no problems with birth defects.

Ask your doctor if you want more details.If you read the package insert about Tylenol you would never

take that either!Peter McGovern, MD

University Reproductive Associates, Hasbrouck Heights-Mont-clair-Hoboken

Q My husband’s testosterone levels are ate 285. We saw aurologist who retested him since the original tests were done

at the RE’s office, and after examining him and doing an ultrasound,proclaimed him to be in good health, with no varicoceles. We arenow waiting for the blood work to come back and were told not totreat him yet.

I was wondering what may be some of the causes for an other-wise healthy 27 year old male to have a testosterone level of 285. Isthere any concern aside from infertility that one should have? Doesthis affect his health in any other way?

AThat is a good question. If he looks and acts like a normal man(or really feels like he does), then there is nothing to worry

about. If he has any symptoms of low testosterone (low energy level,difficulty with concentration and focus, low libido, low muscle mass,minimal facial hair, sperm count issues) then it should be considereda “low” number and treated as such. The numbers for testosteroneare a range, and different men need different levels. Some men Itreat have much higher levels, but have symptoms of lowtestosterone, while others have lower numbers but feel fine so wedo not treat them. If the numbers are associated with symptoms,we treat. Otherwise we just keep a close watch.

Take care and good luck,

Jonathan Schiff, MD

Q My husband had a hernia operation a few months ago whena mesh was inserted. We did a repeat SA since then, and his

sperm counts have drastically declined with zero motility. A visit tothe urologist revealed a large varicocele on one side and a small oneon the other. I’m with a top RE who suggested the regular incisionmethod and referred us to a specialist, who thinks it’s extremelycomplicated because of the mesh and thinks he’ll have to usemicroscopic tools for the surgery.

We were then made aware that varicoceles can be repaired la-paroscopically, but the specialist in that field said that both hismethod and the incision method are not ideal when there is theextra complication of a mesh. He suggested a third method using acoil or ring, which he thinks is the best approach in this case.

I want to know if anyone ever uses this method, and why it isused less frequently than the incision method. Are there any risksinvolved, and what is the best option for us?

AThe best option for you is the micro-surgical varicocele repair.Having mesh makes it a little more complicated, but it is

something we do frequently. The microsurgical approach has the

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lowest complication rate and the lowest recurrence rate, with thehighest chance of curing the problem.

Good luck,Jonathan Schiff, MD

Q My husband has Kleinfelter’s Syndrome and is currentlytaking HCG injections to raise his testosterone level. I’ve

noticed that since he’s on the medication he has gained a lot ofweight and is very bloated. He is trying to lose weight by exercisingand dieting but can’t even lose a pound! Do you think this is aneffect of the HCG?

AThis is an interesting effect. Typically, weight gain occurs slowlyover time with an increase in muscle mass. Some men will

retain fluid as their testosterone level rises. Your husband shouldhave his blood work checked. There are also other options to raisetestosterone besides the HCG injections.

Take care,

Jonathan Schiff, MD

Q I am doing a long protocol for IVF and started Lupron on day21. It’s now three weeks later and I still have not got my

period. I am not pregnant. What now?

AAnytime a woman does not get a period more than 2 weeksafter starting a gonadotropin agonist such as Lupron, further

testing needs to be done to determine what is going on. There is achance you did not ovulate from the previous cycle. However, theonly way to know where you are in your cycle is by performing anultrasound and blood work. I would recommend you follow-upwith your doctor as soon as possible for further evaluation and todetermine your next step. I hope this helps, and good luck.

Adam Fechner, MDUMDNJ-New Jersey Medical School

Q I am currently with an RE due to difficulty conceiving, thoughI have gotten pregnant in the past both naturally and

through IVF. All 4 pregnancies ended in miscarriage, and my REattributed them to poor egg quality and chromosomal issues. I oncesaw an MFM who did blood work and suggested I stay with the REwhile trying to conceive, and when I’m 8 weeks pregnant I canswitch over to him.

I feel so guilty lately - like I am missing something by not beingmore proactive. Should I be seeing an MFM or an RE?

AI am sorry for the difficulty you have had but please bereassured that there are many couples who have four

miscarriages and more who go on to have healthy children. Youshould be followed by an RE through the first trimester. I wouldsuggest going to another RE to review your evaluation to date and

who can answer your questions on a personal level after a thoroughknowledge of your history and testing to date. Best wishes for futuresuccess.

Susan Lobel, MDMetropolitan Reproductive Medicine

Q Do you think a second opinion is needed if my doctorrecommended IVF as the only option based on findings from

an HSG? Do you think the second opinion should be from a doctorwith more experience than the first or does it matter?

AIn some cases the decision that IVF is needed can be quitestraight-forward and in some cases it may be more of an

opinion then a definitive finding. Also, sometimes HSG findings canbe wrong, for example a result that suggests there are no tubes canbe due to spasm of uterine muscle blocking the tubes. In general,your doctor should elaborate for you whether IVF is clearlynecessary, whether there may be other, albeit less effective options,or whether it is worth repeating the HSG. If this discussion does notmake you feel comfortable that IVF is definitely necessary then asecond opinion may be worthwhile. If you decide to see another doctor then make sure to first obtainthe images from your HSG and bring them with you. Withoutreviewing these images, it may be impossible to give a meaningfulsecond opinion. Additionally, make sure that the doctor is well-qualified as a specialist in reproductive endocrinology and infertility.

Michael Zinger, MDEast Coast Fertility

Q I am currently in the middle of an IVF cycle (Lupron stage,starting stims tonight). My period was completely over 5 days

ago, and yesterday afternoon I had really bad staining. My bedikoswere fine, and the staining was only in the afternoon and was overby the evening. Today I had more staining in the afternoon. I hadan exam to see if it was a scratch or anything from the vaginalultrasound but they didn’t find anything. I am concerned that thisbleeding is indicative of a greater issue because I have never hadstaining like this, even with my previous IVF. Any insights would bereally appreciated. Thank you.

ABecause Lupron causes very low estrogen levels, you maycontinue to bleed until the fertility drugs kick in and make

enough estrogen to stabilize the uterine lining and stop bleeding.It is completely normal, do not be concerned.

G_d bless and good luck with your cycle.

Peter G. McGovern, M.D.University Reproductive Associates, Hasbrouck Heights-Mont-

clair-Hoboken

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MY INFERTILITY RESUME

FYNA LEA MOM

HEIMISHE NEIGHBORHOOD

ANYTOWN, USA

OBJECTIVE: To try to elicit at least a hint of a smile, smirk, or an “I’ve been there” nod of recognition to faces who have

shed tears while struggling with the very same challenges I had for eight years.

EDUCATION: Bais Yaakov-type schools from elementary through seminary. Coursework emphasized the woman’s role as

an Eishes Chayil, Eim Habanim Sameicha, stressing on Chinuch Habanim, raising the next dor of K’lal Yisroel

etc., etc.

TRAINING: Nothing in the world could have prepared me for this. If anything, I “trained” myself eagerly since the age

of five to raise the boy-girl twins I was surely going to have, being the daughter of a twin myself. I had their

names picked out since first grade, updating them every so often when a relative passed away.

EXPERIENCE: (I know that in a real resume this is supposed to be in reverse order, but in this case it just won’t work!)

Fall 2000 Mazel Tov! Great wedding! During the week of Sheva Brochos I was already thinking, “Wow, isn’t it amazing

that there might already be something growing inside of me?!” Ha! Little did I know that the only things

“growing” inside of me throughout the next eight years would be Strep, Influenza, the common cold virus,

and of course, let’s not forget, the growing apprehension, tension, sadness and depression.

Fall 2001 Doctor #1 shakes her head in disbelief that I am seeing a doctor after just one year of childless marriage. I

get the whole OPK/BBT scoop, then decide on my way out NOT to return to her, ever.

Spring 2002 Over the past six months, on the rare occasion that I actually DO remember to check my temperature at

the same time, after the same amount of sleep, in the same position, I discover that OPKs are my forte and

that I ovulate more often than not. We meet Doctor #2, a tiny little man who reminds us of the Oompa

Loompa elves from Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. After a few tests, Dr. Oompa Loompa tells us we will

likely never have children. Married less than two years, we think this is ridiculous and laugh about it in the

car.

Summer 2003 We are up to Doctor #4, Surgery #1, Cycle #6. A younger sibling brings the first grandchild into the family,

throwing me into a deep depression that lasts for a very long time. I decide that if the humiliation at being

kvatter at a younger sibling’s bris is not enough to bring us children, nothing ever will. Well, seems the hu-

miliation isn’t enough. I vow never to be a kvatter again, bli neder.

Summer 2005 I lost track of what doctor, protocol, or procedure we are up to. I have disassociated myself from all friends,

siblings, relatives, neighbors and also any female of child-bearing age. Work is my salvation.

Spring 2007 We try a new doctor in a different state, so the entire universe figures out where we have disappeared to

for four weeks and what, exactly, is going on, although we only told our immediate families. It succeeds but

then fails. I spend most of Pesach miscarrying, while watching my newest nephew being shown off to

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Humor

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everyone in sight, although they all know what I’m going through at the time.

Fall 2007 Two siblings, on two different sides of the family, both give birth to the boy-girl twins I have dreamedabout since Pre 1A. I barely have time to recuperate from one blow before I am hit with the second. I try tocalculate the chances of this – two siblings, two different families, both having boy-girl twins, both withinmonths of each other, and BOTH following the loss of our long-awaited baby. I estimate 1:1,574,392. Hey,after getting the hang of success rates and statistics, this is a breeze.

Winter 2008 My husband and I laugh together, although it is not even remotely funny, that maybe Dr. Oompa Loompawas right after all.

Summer 2008 This new doctor comes to our very city. We tell NOBODY. We know, our Rav knows, and of course ourmedical staff. That’s ALL. I work in a hospital, and need to give myself the injections every evening duringmy shift. I envision getting caught in the bathroom, syringe in hand, explaining the logic behind it whilebeing led away in handcuffs. (Health care workers have a high rate of drug addiction!)

Fall 2008 Success, B”H, success. When they call with the positive beta, I say, “Are you sure? Please read the nameagain and make sure you have it right!” I don’t trust these folks anymore.

Winter 2009 Between the hormones and my heredity, we aren’t surprised and all the more overjoyed to hear we are ex-pecting twins. Since our families have let us down so many times, as far as keeping secrets, we don’t tellthem. And of course they hound us. “So, we knooow with all those drugs it’s more than one. Are you see-ing a high-risk OB? You know multiples are usually preemies…” This occurs at least once a week. I say noth-ing and roll my eyes. Then I get really wicked. I have an ultrasound shot showing only one baby casuallylying around. It works. Someone finds it and shares the latest juice with everyone. They stop bugging us fora while. We tell them the truth eventually.

Spring 2009 Mazel Tov! The boy-girl twins I’ve been dreaming about since childhood have been granted to us by theOne Above. Okay, maybe not exactly the way I planned..And, guess what? You think the tactless commentsend with motherhood? Fuhgeddaboudit! “Sooo, what did you do?” “How many doctors did you have tosee?” And even from people who don’t know me, “Are your twins natural?”

POSITION May the infertility position forever remain unfilled!!!

“If you will call your troubles experiences, andremember that every experience develops somelatent force within you, you will grow vigorous andhappy, however adverse your circumstances mayseem to be.

So, I was thinking. What really sets IVF apart from a regularconception? What really makes people out of the parsha

(and those in the parsha as well, or shall we say, especially?) havethe blood drain from their face upon hearing the three above-mentioned ominous letters?

The fact that it’s an out of body experience.

And so, I decided, why not treat this like the out of body ex-perience it is? I will donate my body for said cause, but no waydo I plan to take an active emotional part in the procedures. I willbe an outsider, watching the goings-on with interest, and enjoyingthe adventure while it lasts.

Remember the Grand Trip Day in camp? Huddled in sweat-shirts, bleary eyed from lack of sleep, holding a warm cup of coffeefor survival as conversation is made between elaborate yawns andeye-contact consisting of a millimeter-wide slit. Well, can youimagine 2 weeks straight of this fun?! Work is forgotten, laundryis put on hold, as I ready myself to leave my house at this still anddeliciously fresh pre-dawn hour. The delight of watching day takeover the sky as the rest of the world slumbers! I surreptitiouslymake my way out, keeping my eyes on the windows of my espe-cially nosy neighbors. This is straight out of a spy novel! Regularme, lurking in my driveway in the dead of night, as I discreetly

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The Out of BodyExperience

Humor

await my ride, trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible andavoid detection. The delicious thrill!

And so, like the good ol’ days in camp, we travel, trying to keepthe nausea in check, moodily complaining how TIRED we are andhow it’s impossible to sleep under the circumstances we find our-selves in. Groggy eyed, with sleep still heavily coating our vocalcords, we talk some, and doze some, until we arrive.

In this day and age we inhabit a world of people living at thethrilling edge of existence. Nothing suits the average Americanmore than the tingling excitement and horror of feeling like one’slife is about to end any second, and then miraculously surviving

as the amusement park ride screeches to a halt; getting off onwobbly legs while a queasy stomach protests with every step.

Those thoughts swivel in my head as I extend my hand, orwhichever part of my body is under construction at the time.(OUCH!! Who am I kidding here? This HURTS!)

I close my eyes to revel in the thrill of it all. I’m fainting…inhale.I can’t handle this…exhale. Never again will I let this...….SUR-VIVED!

And so at every part of any given procedure, I have anotherexciting little detail to add to my list of experiences. Surfers andspelunkers may think they have done it all. But they have yet toexperience the feeling of their blood pressure soaring until a pulsecan be felt in their eyes and at the very tippy ends of their toes, asI watch from the sidelines while my poor body is abused in waystoo humiliating to mention.

And let us not forget the roller-coaster ride that Mr. Hormonetreats me to over the ensuing period of time. Up and Down, andDown and Up. What fun! The nausea comes in waves, too, but itonly adds to the fun. What a ride!

And as I wait for phone calls, and results, and answers, it’s as ifI’m holding my breath at the climax of a novel. I go through severalscenes in my mind, wondering… How will the Master Author endthis one?

Grim faced and subdued, the doctor entered the room. The cou-ple looked at him intently as he sadly shook his head, avoiding theireyes.

“The results,” he began tentatively, “are not very promising.”

The couple left the room, their gait slower and more lethargicthan ever before.

Hey! Why am I being so negative?

With a twinkle in his eye and a boom in his voice, the doctorheartily shook Husband’s hand.

“It’s not every day we get to give over such wonderful news toour patients,” He said jovially. With a bounce in their step, the coupleleft the office.

I sit their pondering and shuddering at the outcome and con-vince myself that this is not really me. It’s just a book that I’m read-ing, and just as soon as it is done, if I didn’t like it, I will simply closethe book, give it some morbid thought, and then just go on withlife.

(Hey! Who exactly am I kidding here? But at least I will try. )

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Devora Hollander

“If you're going to be able to look back atsomething and laugh about it, you might as

well laugh about it now.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.Talk about self-defamation.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared completely.Investigators are now on the case.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.Oh, right. The Bill of Rights doesn’t include “freedom to live”.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.Was she that desperate to go to the doctor?

Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.To a point that he forgets that he’s supposed to be mentally alert.

The patient refused an autopsy.He was so adamant about it, that he resuscitated himself to state his opinion.

The patient has no past history of suicides.We were surprised to see him alive, so we checked his record.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.We are trying to convince him to leave his red blood cells with us.

Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.A greater gain was expected, according to the amount of kiddaishim he had attended on Shabbos.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.I wonder which had a better taste.

She is numb from her toes down.Which direction?

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.To the point that she doesn’t even know if her head is hurting or not.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.He was probably being rude on purpose.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.We found that doing the exercise under an automobile is more beneficial than your method.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.Avoiding the skin transplant we thought we would have to perform.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.I guess he believed in Afterlife.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.It is a lot easier than healing him.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

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Humor

19 Reasonsto Rely Less on Doctors and More on Hashem:

Because doctors are human, after all.

A compilation of actual notes that doctors had written on their patients’ medical charts:

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Chizuk

FORUM

What Do You Think?

Posted by: G.E. Jun 10 2009, 12:44 PM

Someone recently called me up about working with her sons.After sounding very interested, she asked me how old my oldestchild was. I responded that I do not have any of my own childrenbut I have helped several hundred kids for many years. Her tonechanged and she hung up without committing.

DH asked me what that was about, and I told him that some-one doesn’t want to use me b/c I don’t have kids. He thought thatmade no sense. I answered that she must assume I don’t have therequisite life experience to understand children. Sure enough, shecalled me back yesterday with some far fetched excuse that she hasto use someone else.

I know I am asking a biased audience, but what do you guysthink? Is having kids an important factor to whether or not youcan empathize with kids?

I wish I could ask live friends what they think but that wouldjust elicit pity so it’s not worth it...

Thanks for your opinions!�

Posted by: tzips Jun 10 2009, 03:04 PM

If having kids was a prerequisite, then there would be no single orchildless assistants or teachers in schools, and children would notlove their single/childless aunts and uncles. This woman, for what-ever reason, thinks that it takes one to know one, but she is VERY

wrong.Now, one who has children MAY be MORE empathetic, but I

think it really just depends on the person and the situation.And for the record, WE ARE ALL LIVE FRIENDS!! ���tzip

Posted by: Estie Jun 10 2009, 03:34 PM

Of course it depends on the person, but sometimes someonewithout kids is not burnt out from dealing with their own childrenand actually does a better job than someone with kids.

Posted by: Sarah770 Jun 10 2009, 04:34 PM

Totally agree with the above posts! I have had many situationswhere people think I don’t know about children because I DON’THAVE ANY YET. However, I went to school for child developmentand have been working with children for over a decade. The onlything we are lacking is first hand experience giving birth, nursingetc. Last time I checked that has nothing to do with being good atworking with children. Don’t even bat an eyelash, she is just plainignorant.

Posted by: zezy Jun 10 2009, 05:00 PM

I agree with all the above posts - giving birth doesn’t suddenlymake a great mom and there are plenty amazing teachers etc. whodon’t have kids...if anything we can give more coz all our love andattention goes to the kids we work with since we don’t have ourown to pamper, love, and help...

Don’t give this another thought; she’s just unaware and not in

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the know - you’ll get other parents and students who DO appreci-ate your work!!!�

Posted by: 97602 Jun 10 2009, 06:02 PM

I agree with what everyone has said. It depends on the personal-ity either way, making no difference whether or not someone is amother. A person can understand and feel for children the same, ifnot better, from classes and experience of working with other chil-dren.

The mother may have not wanted to send her child because offeeling uncomfortable working with someone without. She mayhave felt that every time she talks (complains or praises) her child itmay cause you harm and she did not want to place herself in this“uncomfortable” situation.

Posted by: crackle Jun 10 2009, 06:43 PM

From a SIFer point of view: I do have a child but somehow Idon’t see how that would make me more qualified for the job thenyou. I personally do not have patience for other peopel’s children.That’s why I’m not a preschool morah or a tutor. I know many sin-gle morahs that are great with kids.

Posted by: Ambitious Jun 10 2009, 07:59 PM

She might have hung up for a different reason. How about this:She thought she was talking to someone who has kids of her own,but when she found out that you don’t, she was purely shockedand thought that she might have offended you in some way by ask-ing you to take care of kids when you don’t have any. Maybe shejust didn’t know how to respond. But if she hung up because shethinks you won’t be good at it because you don’t have any of yourown, then of course, she’s ignorant.

Posted by: Hashemlovesme Jun 10 2009, 10:42 PM

I think that it is very sad that she felt that you are not capableenough to understand children because you don’t have you’re ownyet. I have a friend who is a very successful child therapist and shedoes not have children of her own yet. I agree with the other posts.Sometimes before we have children we have so much to give, somuch love bottled up inside of us, that we can give so much toother children.

Posted by: zan frelich Jun 11 2009, 08:19 AM

I’d say, it’s rather to look for an educated therapist with years of ex-perience, love and understanding to kids then one who is a motherof kids, since when a child needs help you need to chose for himsomeone who’ll see him as an individual to himself and demand forhim according to his ‘kochot nafash’ and not compare him to yourown or kids his age. . . I’d say the root of the problem is comparingand then demanding from a child according to what is demanded

of others or from my own . . .So qualification as a mother will not do too much of the job. . .rather the experience of working with kids will do it. . .But again, that’s how people are. I see it often and would de-

scribe it- not accepting or hear someone else’s advise or commentsbecause s/he is not at the same stage as I am. . . as ‘very boxy’ or‘narrow minded’. . .

Posted by: rmn Jun 11 2009, 08:52 AM

Well, let’s ask a related question: Can you make a shidduch if youare single? My answer would be of course, but many people thinkit’s a no-no... same issue here (I think that woman made a great mis-take, but, just my humble opinion).

I think we all have certain biases about other people’s ability torelate to us if they’ve never experienced what we are going through(parents, dating, marriage, etc.). Thank you for sharing this experi-ence with us. It certainly gave me a lot to think about.

Posted by: BresloverWoman Jun 11 2009, 08:59 AM

I have had this experience as well..People feel that you are somehow more mature and able to han-

dle their kids if you have your own!I am sorry that this happened to you. It’s frustrating to no end

but I found that other opportunities come up and are typically bet-ter. Do I really want to work for a mother who thinks I am incapableof handling her child?

Posted by: zyx Jun 11 2009, 03:42 PM

My sister uses a babysitter that doesn’t have any kids of her ownand she does a GREAT job. Just proves that you don’t need to be amother in order to deal with other children...

Posted by: Full-of-Bitachon Jun 11 2009, 08:12 PM

That is so utterly frustrating and hurtful. I am sorry you had todeal with that!! Too bad that she lost out on having a fantasticteacher for her child. It is certainly her loss, not yours!!!

The nature of the matter is proof in and of itself that giving birthand raising children isn’t necessary to be a great teacher or em-pathizer of children. She has her child and she obviously can’t helphim. Motherhood didn’t give her those skills. That’s why she is seek-ing help. I don’t know why she thinks someone else has to have chil-dren to know how to teach them, if it doesn’t work the other wayaround!

Anyway, obviously, as you said, we are a biased audience, but hercomment and decision is certainly ignorance. Some of the bestteachers and therapists I know are still single (unfortunately). If any-thing, having less home responsibility in terms of family life or kidsone after the other, allows one to fully invest in work and seek outnew trainings, update and upgrade materials, etc. Personally, I puteverything I had in life into my clients when I was single and was

able to continue doing that even after I got married for the first fewyears, particularly because of IF. I was extremely devoted and avail-able for my clients at all hours, etc. Once I had my daughter, she ob-viously took priority, although I am still fully present and investedwhen at work. Nevertheless, I automatically take less of my clientshome with me than I used to. Personally, I think the clients that Iworked with before my daughter was born were more fortunate, interms of my time, patience, and investment. In any event, I don’tthink my understanding of children has changed at all! My under-standing of life continues to change as I go through different cir-cumstances, but IF has made me more understanding, not less!!

May you soon be zoche to excel at understanding both your stu-dents and your own kinderlach at the same time!!! One thing is forsure: If you can love and understand others’ children, you will cer-tainly be able to easily empathize, love, and understand your own!!

Posted by: naamimara Jun 14 2009, 07:58 AM

I really felt quite upset at reading your post. this would seem toadd unnecessary pain to IF, and I can only rely on the words ofDovid Hamelech quoted by the sefer chinuch (Shmuel II 16:11) on

the mitzva not to take revenge

�שהו ;(יניעב) ינועב ה הארי ילוא .ה ול-רמא יכ—ללקיו ול וחנה יל ה בי.הזה םויה ותללק תחת ,הבוטLet him curse, because Hashem told him to. Maybe Hashem will seemy suffering, and return for me a good in exchange for this cursingon this day.

Working successfully with children is a gift and a skill. Somepeople have it, and some people don’t. She is unfortunate not tohave you working with her sons, when you have so muchexperience and could have helped her out.

Posted by: Apartment 29 Jun 14 2009, 04:10 PM

I think that having your own children makes you moreempathetic to YOUR OWN CHILDREN.As somebody else said, having a kid doesn’t make you have morepatience for other kids (...and sometimes isn’t indicative of havingany child understanding at all, unfortunately).

You are great with kids- her loss! �

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cx"s

ac, ak ygo’ tuhpwi drto

tbdgptbdgi vty zhl sgr ac, tzuh’

thl uugk thhl ztdi dgbuh’

uugi sh ptr pgkegr zgbgi dgeungi mu sh ctayhnyg mhhy’

mu t dtx ptrayupy thi t zhhy’

tz ehhbgr ztk bhay ptrayhhi ektr’

uutx gx euny st ptr’

tzuh uuhhy tz hgsgr vty tkhhi dgbungi t etr’

tui sh xhcv ptrayhhgi nhr thz sgrptr’

uuhhk nwvty zhl btl tchxk dgyui agngi thhbgr pui muuhhyi’

tui muchxkgl vty ngi tuhpi ahhbgo’ cteuugngi ctx dgyui truhpaprhhzi/

sgr ctx ntfy zhhi rhhzg surl cgrd tui ytki’

sh vrdaho chh hgsi thz bhay ngdkhl tuh; sh ptphr tuhxmuntki/

ngi euny ti tui ngi ayhhdy pui ctx trtp’

uugr egi sgi uuhxi uutx chh hgsi thi vtr. yuy zhl tp?

sh ahhbg uutrhng "crul vct" uutx nhr vtci cteungi’

vty hgsi gexygr ctbungi/

sh yugnhv’ sh phhbg gxi’

uugr egi sgrpui tzuh abgk ptrdgxi?

nhy pukg tuhxdtcgx mu khhbgi thi sgr zhhy

dgnhhby vty ngi ngi uugy vtci sgrmu mhhy/

ngi dhhy trhhi thi sh ayucgr’

ngi yuy zhl kfcus ac, thcgr’

ty drhhy ngi zhl sgo ac, mu prtuugbgi’

nhy va,pfu, vbpa dhhy ngi auhi stuugbgi/

sh pruhgi yugi sh kgfy mhbsi’

nhy t vhhxg ,phkv muo rcua"g zhl uugbsi’

zhh ayhhgi chho kgfy dgcuhdi’

tui cgyi uzfhbu kdsk cbho’ nhy yrgri thi sh tuhdi’

sgr ctagpgr yuy zhfgr zhhgr ,phku, vgri’

ceruc uugki nhr tkg th"v dgvtkpi uugri/

sgr cgk ,phkv str; sgo guko bhay vhhci’

hgsgr stuugby tzuh nhy vrda’ nna bhay mu dkhhci/

sgrbtl yuy ngi vgri’

sh srau, p,hjv pui rw bp,kh uuhhx tui rw hgec aygri/

ngi aptby mu sh xgusv thi sh ctayhnyg ztk’

tuh; sh pbhowgr sgregby zhl t kgfyhdehhy’ t ayrtk/

ngi ntfy ekhbdgbshd ehsua’

puk nhy vrdaho’ stx thz cfkk bhay ehhi jhsua’

ngi zhbdy sh znhru, ngi stbey sgo curt fk’

tui cgyi gx ztk tubz zhhi duy tui uutuhk/

ngi cgbyay’ tcgr sh btfy vhhcy zhl vgray hgmy ti’

gx thz btl st txtl uutx mu yti/

ngi dhhy thi chvnwws nhy t srav zhl sgreuuhei’

sgrbtl yuy ngi zhl thi t muuhhyi ayuc trhcgr ruei/

mu t ctyg eungi zhl mto sh ngbgr’

uutx egi sgi zhhi pui sgo agbgr?

ngy zhmy’ ngi gxy tui ngi yuy kjhho yrubegi’

sgr guko thz thi vgfgrg xpgri ptrzhbegi/

ngi thz nfcs rw bp,kh uuhhx’

gr ztk zhbdgi t bhdui nneunl’ gx dhxy zhl sh auuhhx/

ngi zhbdy puk nhy scheu,’

stx thz bhay ehhi xpheu,/

tui ptr sh pruhgi’

thz tuhl st t pkti t dgbuhgi/

thi sh zgkcg mhhy yugi zhh ptrcrgbdgi dgante’

tuh! thz stx dguugi t ebte/

sh btfy bgny bhay ehhi ge’

ngi dgy zhl tuhx tchxk’ ngi thz stl dgeungi ptr sgo muuge/

muprh btl tzt btfy ngi ayhhy tuh; tui muo stuugbgi ngi dhhy’

nhy t anjv’ nhy t kgcgshdehhy/

btfwi stuugbgi thz t ehsua mudgaygky’

nna thhbx thi sh uugky/

ngi egi auhi bhay gxi sh xgusv fngy’

pui sh rhhfg ehsua thz ngi auhi zty/

btl sh xgusv thz auhi fngy bhay ehhi mhhy ptrckhci’

sh mhhy thz tzuh abgk dguutri murhci/

ngi thz tchxk tuhxdgnuyagy’ tcgr pubsgxyuugdi bgny ngi sh nhv’

stuugbgi nbjv mu vesua crul vut/

dganteg gxi thz drhhy uuhsgrtntk

aka xgusu, thz stl thhbdgphry chh fkk hartk’

ngi cgbyay ngi stuugby ngrhc tui vcskv sgo ac, mu ctdkhhyi’

gx ptbdy zhl hgmy ti sgr xgus, nkfv nahjt’ nhy t yha t drhhyi/

uuh nhhgxygyha stx thz gx yteg dguugi’

uutuhk thz sgr uugr gx vty stx mudgzgvi!

sh ygb. sh rheusho’

aunrhu uzufrhu vnv ngusho’

ngi uugy stx fxsr dgsgbegi’

tui zhl btl sh btfy cgbegi/

ngi egi bhay ptryhd uugri stx mu ctarhhci’ tphku nhr ztki btr uugki’

nnhkt uugki nhr zhl st tpaygki/

tui uutubyai pui vtrmi yhpi ptr sh dtbmg napjv’

haugu,’ crfv uvmkjv’

sh dtbmg trdtbhztmhg ztk zhl auhi ptrntfi’

tui nhr ztki auhi tn,wshd egbgi zhl prhhgi tui ktfi’

tui tkg ztki nhr zufv zhhi tmhbsgr’

zhl nanj zhhi nhy tubzgrg ehbsgr/

nhr zgbgi drhhy sgrmu’

ztk stx btr zhhi sgr rmui pui vesua crul vut/

t duyg uutl’

crfu, btl thi btl’

tui ztki nhr zufv zhhi kcht, dutkhbu’

cnvrv chnhbu’

tni/

hhar fj ptr sh jaucwg khhbgr uutx vty zhl dgbungi sh mhhy tui tubz nhydgyhhky sgo vgrkhfi

thcgrkgcgbha

c"v

kfcus vnuxs vjauc "suru, ncurfho - gh yhho" ucrtao vnhhxs vrc atuk rtzgi akhy"t

sh dgvuhcgbg ac, uutx thr vty nhy tzuhphk dgyrhhatpy mudgdrhhy vty dgyuhay nhhi

ckhe tuhpwi kgci/ murheeungbshd’ vtc thl sgrzgi thbdtbmi ti tbsgrg uugky uuh cgptr/ tbayty

mu zgvi t uugky nhy ruyhbg surfpgkgr’ uutx vty dgrhxi chho vtr.’ vty zhl gx dgyuhay mu

thbdtbmi t bhhg ckhe/

dguugbkhl uugi t ngbya dhhy tuhpi dtx tui gx thz st t prtckgo nhy sh xhhsuute’ bgny gr

gx bhay ti mu pgrzgbkhl/ tuhc tcgr uugy gx tho aygri’ uugy gr rupi 113 tui uutryi nhy

grptkd gx ztk ptrrtfyi uugri/ nhy sgo dgstbe thi nj yuv thl prtchri uuhhygr tbmudhhi///

hgsg surfdgptkgbg prtcg bgo thl bhay ti uuh nhhi pgrzgbkhfg prtckgo’ btr thl yuv rupi sh

rhfyhdg bungr surl gpgbgi stx ,vkhowk tui yuv zhl uugbsi mu sgo tsui fk vbanu, tui nhy sh

va,sku, ptrktz thl zhl thbdtbmi tuh; tho/

btl t dgstbe///

t auugrg vuhgfg abhh ayurgo vty zhl trtpdgktzy’ sh dtbmg truo thz dguutri uuh

ptrtkhzhry/ zgbgi dguugi muuhh etygdtrhgx rgtemhgx: sh grayg’ uutx zgbgi cycg vtek’ sh

zgbgi dgckhci ptraptry thbsgrvhho tui dguutry chz sh erhzhx uugy surfdhhi/ ptregry thz

dguugi sh muuhhyg drupg’ sh zgbgi bhay sgrartei dguutri’ btr zhl tbdgyui sh vuhfg ayhuuk tui

surfaptmhry sh auugrhehhyi/// t ngbya uutx vty auugrhehhyi thi kgci’ vty muuhh crhru,/ sh

drhbdxyg uugd truhx thz "tuhpdgci" tui zhbegi thi sh prtckgngi tui gx ktzi ctvgrai thcgr

zhl’ tsgr sh muuhhyg crhrv’ thz tbyui muuhh druhxg ayhuuk uutx rupy zhl "tnubv" tui "cyjui" tui

tzuh surfaprhhzi sh auugrg uugd tui nhy sgo zhl thhbvtbskgi chhsg uugkyi/

ty sh ptzhyhuug ckhe vty nhr sh dgvuhcgbg tui tunptrdgxkhfg ac, dgkgrby/

uugi thl yrtfy murhe mu sh euugbekgbhai ptrwi ac, mu thl ztk "ht" tsgr "bhay" dhhi’

ktzy gx tubz thcgr nhy tptr uugrygr: gx vty zhl dgkuhby tsurl mu dhhi thbpgryhkgyh mu

vtci sh zfhw mu egbgi nhykgci tzt dgvuhcgbg ac,!

gx ckhhcy thcgr mu uutubyai: gx ztk auhi zhhi sh kgmyg ac,ui! tui nhr ztki tkg zufv zhhi

mu kgfyhdg ehbsgrkgl tui gx ztk auhi nehuo uugri aua ,aha u,dk vgerv ccbhi hruakho ghr

veusa’ uutx sti uugki nhr zhfgr zhhi dgvtkpgbg’ tni!!!

btftntk’ t druhxi hhar fj ptrwi tvgraygki tzt ahhbgo ac,’ sgr rcua"g ztk thhl

ctmtki nhy tkgx uutx thhgr vtr. ctdgry/

t/p/

cruekhi

ptr etngbytri’ crhuui tui tryhekgi’ ahey ti th-nghk mu: gro.emita@enizagam

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napjv’ uutx vtci nhydgvtkyi uuhphk fuju, hgec nav khhdy trhhi

thi sgo "ahr vahrho" xdukv’ zgbgi sh agrh rjnho btl tk. dguugi

ptraktxi’ tui ngi vty btl tk. khhsgr bhay dgegby uutubyai

ptr hgec nav’ nzk yuc/

mu tkgngiwx thcgrtaubd vty hgec nav truhxdguuhzi t

aytrehhy’ tui tbdgvuhci btftntk sh pgrmhd ygd muo srhyi ntk///

zhhbg jcrho vtci auhi dgktfy pui tho’ tz btl muuhh ntk uutx gx

vty bhay dgvtkpi’ bgny gr zhl gx btftntk tubygr/// tcgr hgec

nav vty dgvty t aytrehhy thi zhl’ tui nhy t pgxyehhy btfntk

tbdgvuhci sh pgrmhd ygd/ zhhbg thbguuhhbhdxyg vrdaho vtci tho

ptrzhfgry’ tz gr str; gx btl thhbntk yui’ tui sti thz gr t

dgvtkpgbgr/

sh khhbgr uugki tuusth uugri tbyuhay stx mu khhbgi’ tcgr stx

thz dguugi sgr tn,/ pubey uuh chho grayi

ntk "ahr vahrho" vty gx bhay dgvtkpi’

vty stx muuhhyg ntk "ahr vahrho" tuhl

bhay dgvtkpi’ tui muo srhyi ntk tuhl

bhay! uutx ptrt tbyuhaubd thz stx?!

yhhgrg khhbgr: uutx uutky thr dgrtyi

ptr hgec nav thi tzt mhhy? sh kgmyg ztl

uutky tuusth dguugi tz gr ztk btl thhbntk

ztdi "ahr vahrho"/// btl srhh ntk ztdi nhy

tzt nxhr, bpa’ tui thz btl tk. bhay

dgvtkpi dguutri’ thz zhfgr tz "ahr

vahrho" thz bhay "zhhi" xdukv/

tzuh yrtfy thr/ hgec nav tcgr vty

tbdgbungi’ tz stx thz t bxhui pui vhnk mu

prtchri zhhi tnubv’ vty gr yrt. sh juze

pui zhhbg jcrho’ btfntk tbdgvuhci sh

pgrmhd ygd "ahr vahrho"/ thi tbsgrg

uugrygr’ gx vty auhi dgvtkyi chh

"vubsgry zgfmhd ygd" pui tuhpayhhi nhy

auugrg nh tui pktd ptrytdx’ tui ztdi nhy vtpgbubdxpukg dgphki

"ahr vahrho"/

hgmy’ btl sh pgryg ntk’ strpi auhi sh khhbgr bhay uugri

tbyuhay/// "gx vty dgvtkpi!" nhy prhhkhfg vgrmgr vty ngi

thbgo "pgrmhdxyi ytd" dgcrtfi ygkgr’ "hgec nav thz t j,i

dguutri"! tzt anjv thz stl tunctarhhckhl’ hgec nav thz c"v

tuhpdgrtfyi dguutri nhy zhhi ptxhdi zhuud’ nna t fkhk vngku,/

zhmgbshd chho uutry’ uugi tuhci ti zhmy zhl tubzgr "j,i sbi" hgec

nav nhy t ahhbshdgi pbho’ vty sgr nju,i - sgr ytyi pui sh fkv

ptrmhhky: gr vty dgvty thi ayuc 4 nhhskgl’ tui gx thz gpgx

bhay dgdtbdgi ehhi ahsufho’ ngi vty zhl dgnuyagy dgpgrkhl tui

dguutry tuh; sh rhfyhdg "auugrg" nhbuy pui "eav zhuuhdu ak tso

ferhg, ho xu;"/ tcgr sgr ytd vty zhl bhay ctuuhzi tuhpwi

vtrhztby/

gpgx kgmybx vty zhl gx dgdgci t ayup ptrtuhx’ hgsg pgrmhd

ygd cgrl vtc thl t ahsul dgyui nhy ti tbsgrg ytfygr! tui sh

hgmyhdg fkv’ thz nhhi pgryg ytfygr t fkv mu uugri’ thi tzt eurmg

tpabhy pui t vtkcg htr!

sgr nju,i vty dguutky tuhxphri sh druhxg jxsh vao’ tz gr

vty crul vao zufv dguugi mu sh ahsufho tcgr gr vty stx bhay

gxphgy mui yui’ thhsgr gx zgbgi tuhpdaprhbdgi sh j,i tui zhhi

napjv’ tui ptrmhhky sh tbsgrg zhhy pui

sh ngav/ uuh uutubsgrkhl zgbgi sgo

ctagpgrx uugdi’ tz sgr j,i vty dgztdy

phr ntk "ahr vahrho" pgrmhd ygd’ tui

hgmy zgy ngi tz hgsg pgrmhd ygd vty btr

dgcrgbdy bgbygr mu zhhi ahsul!

•••

nhr tkg vtci pui mhhy mu mhhy

euugbekgbhai’ tuhc nhr ztki yui xduku,/

nhr tkg vtci auhi zhfgr txtl ntk zhl

neck dguugi ptrahsgbg duyg ecku, tsgr

dgyui gpgx t xdukv’ tcgr ngi bgny zhl

bhay tubygr btl’ uuhhk ngi thz tbyuhay tz

sh prhgrshdg xdukv vty bhay dgvtkpi’ ngi

egi tntk aphri tz sh ,phku, uutx ngi

vty n,pkk dguugi dhhy j"u kthcus’ uuhhk

ngi zgvy bhay gx ztk gpgx srtxyha ptxhri uuh nwuuhk tui nwvty

dgcgyi/ tcgr sh tuhcbsgrntbyg ngav uutx vty zhl btruutx

tpdgaphky’ dhy tubz ti tbsgrg ckhe’ tui uuhhzy tz muntk str;

ngi vtci btl tptr ,phku, tui duyg pguku, tsgr xduku, tz sh

chks ztk zhl grdgbmi’ tui mueungi mu sh rhfyhdg haugv/ tui stx thz

zhfgr tz hgsg duyg pgukv uutx ngi yuy btr’ t hgsg ,phkv tsgr

xdukv dhhy ehhbntk bhay kthcus/ vec"v khhdy gx zhfgr tuuge’ gx

uugy tubz tuusth vgkpi ptrwi g,hs/

trhhbdgahey surl t ngncgr’ hhar fj

gx vty auhidgvtkyi chh

"vubsgry zgfmhd ygd"pui tuhpayhhi nhyauugrg nh tui pktdptrytdx’ tui ztdinhy vtpgbubdxpukgdgphki "ahr vahrho"/

We are currently updating the names on our Labor/tehillim packet.

Since there are many distinguished Rabbonim who advocate reciting Tehillim for others whilst in the throes of childbirth, amongthem Rabbi Mordechai Finkelman, Rav Yosefi and Rav Nissim Yagen of Yerushalayim, we have compiled a beautiful tefilla saidwhile in labor along with a Tehillim list of our couples upon the couples’ request. We send it to OB/GYN offices, to labor coaches,doulas as well as expectant couples (upon request). If you would like to be on this list please contact Chani:

Email: admin@atime.org • Call: 718-686-8912 ext. 200 • Fax: 718-686-8927

Please make sure to include the following information:

Your First & Last Name Contact Phone #

Husband’s Full Hebrew Name Wife’s Full Hebrew NamePlease make sure the spelling is correct.

Please note, we only accept names given by the individual couples and only the Tehillim names are printed.

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gec nav thz sgr tkygr cjur’ uutx hgsgr thi auk uuhhxy

bgcgl tz gr uutry tuh; zhhi ctagryi auhi thcgr mgi htr/

zhhi rhfyhdgr zhuud vty zhl btfbhay tpdgrupi/

xdukv dgcgrx vtci duy dgegby hgec navwx tsrgx/ tcgr hgec

nav thz dguugi pui sh xtry’ uutx xduku, vtci bhay tpgkhry mu

tho/ bhay tz gr pkgdy gx tuugentfi’ btr uuh xwnhhby bhay tho/

tcgr hgec nav uugry bhay hubdgr’ sh htri zhhbg ruei zhl btr

tuh; truh;’ gr uugry auhi bgbygr mu sh srhhxhd’ tui sgr pjs tz gr

uugy ckhhci t ptrzgxgbgr cjur vhhcy ti mu phhbhdgi pui mhhy mu

mhhy/

thi t ahhbgo ytd vty gr dgftpy ti v,gurru, tbmuvhhci ztdi

"ahr vahrho" ptr pgrmhd ygd/ gr vty dgbungi sh xdukv pui gx

ztdi chho "b. vjnv" uutx sti thz t nurtwshdgr ag, vfuar’ tui

nhy t aytreg crgi vty gr gx tbdgvuhci mu ztdi ptr pgrmhd ygd’

uugi gr tui zhhbg btbyg zgbgi zhfgr tz ty ty zgy ngi auhi sh haugv/

gx thz ptrayhhy zhl bhay tbdgeungi khhfy/ tuhpmuayhhi chho

"b. vjnv" thz pui sh auugrhehhyi uutx sgr du; ktzy bhay mu tzuh

abgk’ gx etxy vhca fuju, gx tuhxmuphri/ tcgr uutx yuy ngi

bhay thi tzkgfg tunaygbsi/

gx thz trhcgr pgrmhd ygd’ thi euk uthi gubv’ ehhi ygkgpti vty

bhay dgekhbdgi’ ngi vty bhay tbdgyrtdi ehhi ahsul/ vehmur’ sh

xdukv pui pgrmhd ygd "ahr vahrho" vty bhay dgcrgbdy ehhi phru,

ptr hgec nav/ tcgr hgec nav vty zhl bhay nhhta dguugi’ gr

uugy prtchri btl thhbntk mu ztdi "ahr vahrho" pgrmhd ygd chho

“b. vjnv”’ tui btl muuhh ntk pgrmhd ygd uugy gr zhfgr zhhi t

dgvtkpgbgr/

tunr uguav’ nhy ti v,jsau, uutx thz dgeungi nhy muuhhpk thi

sh zhhy’ mu stx ntk uugy sh pgrmhd ygd ht vgkpi’ thz gr nhy

nxhru, bpa tuhpdgaytbgi chho "b. vjnv"’ tui zhl dgaytrey nhy

t vtr. puk nhy vtpgbud’ tui vty btftntk dgztdy "ahr vahrho"

pgrmhd ygd/

tcgr muo tbyuhaubd pui tho tui pui zhhbg duyg prhhby tui

סגולות וויפילזאל איך טוהן ?...

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t ngfyhdg egbhd phk ebgfy tui shbxy ptrntdy’

ayhhgi drhhy tuhxmuphri tkgx uutx gr ztdy/

ptrdkhxy zhl tntk ptri egbhd zhhgr dgyrhhatpy tuhxmuprutuui’

euny tho tuhpi dgstbe t pkti t ntxhuui/

bgny tphr pui zhhi tumr ayhhbgr tui shntbyi yhhgrg’

muaprhhy tui muzhhy zhh ti tuhxztdi sh ctvgkygbha zhhgrg/

sh dtr yhhgrg uutx yugi sh ngrxyg phbekgi’

uugri ptraygey thi sh yhpxyg uuhbekgi/

sgr egbhd’ gr rupy tkg shbgr muzto’

ctpgky’ thl uuhk tkgx zgvi murhe ti tuhxbto/

hgsgr ztk zhl bgngi t au,; mu sh zhhy’

truhxdhhi tuhpzufi sh shtntbyi btby tui uuhhy/

ehhi mhhy’ dgky tui fj bhay auhbgi’

ptr gbegr trcgy uugk thl thhl duy ctkuhbgi/

zhh ktzi zhl tkg truhx tuhpi uugd’

chh txtl gx bgny tptr uutfi tui ygd’

zhhgr zufgbha gx mtky zhl abgk tuhx’

sh anjv thi ptkt. thz dtr druhx/

nhy druhx prhhs zhh uugri gbyptbdgi’

pui tkg zhhyi nwyuvy zhh n,bu, sgrktbdgi/

ptr dgmhhkyg gx bgny tcgr jsaho tui htri’

thcgr phkg aygy tui kgbsgr zhh ptri/

uuhphk fuju, zhh khhdi btr trhhi sgrhbgi’

egbgi zhh ehhi ayhhbsgkgl bhay dgpubgi/

sh zufgrhhgi gx ptki surl ti t mtk’

tcgr zhh dgci bhay tuh; thhbntk tui btftntk/

sh dhhxy chh zhh bhay gx ptky’

dtrbhay thz ptr zhh ehhi tpvtky/

sgo ctkhcyi egbhd mu sgrprhhgi’

sgrptr thz uugrs tkg zufgrhhgi/

thi vuhpyayty chh hgsi zhh uugri uuh ptrdgxi’

ehhbgr uuhhxy bhay zhhgr auugrg trcgy mu agmi/

sgr egbhd tcgr ptrdgxy bhay pui zhh ehhi ytd’

gr agpy phk bj, pui zhhgr nhv tui pktd/

gbegr dgyrhhatpy vty nhr sh ngrxyg tbymhey’

sgrptr vtc thl gbe btl sh yhhgrxyg dgahey/

btl tchxk tui gbegr vtrguutbhg uugy zhl tuhxmtki’

gbegr afr sgruh; thz bhay ngdkhl tuhxmuntki/

sgr bnak ekgr thl thz dtr ptraygbskhl’

ebgfy tui shbxy zgbgi nhr ngbyagkgl/

sgr nkl nkfh vnkfho vesua crul vut’

vty tubz trtpdgahey tuh; sh uugky stvh/

gk fi hgzuc tha t, tchu ut, tnu vty gr ctpuhki’

sgr mhk kac, hmrv thz tubz bhay ptrvuhki/

trtpmucrgbdgi tuh; sh uugky yhhgrg turu,’

uutx ztki uuhhygr tuhpaygki grkhfg thshag suru,/

mu atpi t bj, ruj ptri cuf"g ytd btl ytd’

thz uugrs t hgsg nhv tui pktd/

tcgr thi sh mhhy uutx chh ruc dhhy gx uuh dganhry’

vty chh tbsgrg sh vadjv tbsgra dgphry/

uugi sh jcrho tui napjv yugi auhi ehbsgr ptrntdi’

yugi nhr btl tkx tuntuhpvgrkhl zhl pktdi/

dgauuhxygr tui btbyg prtuugi anju, thi druhxi’

tcgr nhr zgbgi bgcgl uuh dgckhci thbsruhxi/

nhr srhhgi zhl truo pui thhi steygr muo muuhhyi’

gx zgvy zhl bhay ehhi ge mu sh auugrg mhhyi/

ktbdg yubegkg etrhstri auhi duy ctetby’

tcgr btl tkgo’ btl tk. nwytpy t uutby/

gx uutky zhl tubz tpar dgegby stfyi’

tz nhr uugki auhi tzuh ckhhci antfyi/

vhhby tcgr ptrayhhgi nhr auhi sh kgxi’

ngi vty pui tubz cfkk bhay ptrdgxi/

bhay tzgkfg dgyrhhg ehbsgr uuh tubz prgdi’

bx,rho srfh sw’ nhr ptrayhhgi bhay zhhbg uugdi/

nhr yugi btr sh buhyhdg va,sku, tui ygxyi’

stx thcrhdg ktzi nhr ptr tho’ tui vtpi tuhpi cgxyi/

t kgfyhdg zhxg banvwkg uutry tubz canh ngk’

thh’ ptruutx zgbgi nhr btfbhay zufv sgruuhhk?

vao h,crl sgr burt ,vhku,’

dkuxy xpgmhgk btl tubzgrg ,phku,/

gr euugky mu zgvi sh vhhkhdg gcusv’

pui zhhbg ebgfy tui shbxy - tbt gcst/

vah", ztdy’ ha afr yuc kpguk,fo’

gyx uugyx btl zgvi txtl bj, vmpui kfo/

btl tptr etphykgl ,vkho’

tui ty ty uacu cbho kdcuko/

מיר זוכן די טייערסטע...

j/ turbayhhi

nwuugy tkx btr pruchri zhl mu aytrei tui nxsr zhhi’ uugy gx thhchd

xu; fk xu; zhhi aygregr pui sh ngbyakhfg fuju, tui tuugeakgpi

sh ngbya pubgo ruyhbgo ruthdi kgci///

ctyrtfygbshd sgo srhhsk’ xhh thi sh gmo mtnaygk pui sh

"srhhsk"’ tui uuh tuhl uuhtzuh nhr aphki zhl sgrnhy uuh gx thz auhi

tbdgbungi chh fkk hartk nsur sur’ thz thbygrgxtby mu tuhpptxi

tuh; ptrahsgbg aytreg dgstbegi uutx

nhr egbgi zhl tpkgrbgi sgrpui truhx-

mubgngi t jhzue sgrpui///

1( tuhc ngi vtky bhay ti sh srhhsk pui

tuhci uugy gx bhay egbgi ayhhi tkhhbx///

tui uuh tuhl uugy zhl gx bhay srhhgi tkhhbx’

btr tz ngi uugy tho srhhgi pui tuhci/// tui

tuh; uugkfg uugd nwuugy tho srhhgi pui tuhci

tzuh uugy zhl sh dtbmg srhhsk srhhgi///

stx zgkcg uuhhxi nhr tz t ngbya vtky

zhl bhay tkhhbx btr nhr uugri tbdgvtkyi

tuh; yrhy tui arhy pui tuhci nhy ti vadjv

pryh,/// tui btfngr strpi nhr tkx aygb-

shd uuhxi tui dgsgbei’ tz uuh tzuh sh kgci ztk

zhl btr srhhgi muo duyi tsgr ptregry’ thz

stx tkgx surfsgo uuhhk ngi vty tzuh

dgsrhhy pui tuhci/// sgr ctagpgr phry tui

srhhy sgo ngbya tuh; yrhy tui arhy///

hgsg ztl uutx ptxhry tui uuhtzuh gx phry zhl thz nhy t

tpdgarhcgbg pkti pui tuhci’ dtrbhay ptxhry bhay tkhhbx///

2( sh srhhsk egi dgntfy uugri pui ptrahsgbg ntyrhtki/ gx

uugry dgntfy pui vtk.’ pkgxyhe tui ayhhi// tui tphku dtks’

zhkcgr tui eupgr// tcgr nhy sgo tkgo uugy ngi gx thhchd btr

srhhgi sh zgkcg uugd///

sh zgkcg str; ngi uuhxi tz ftya nwnhhby tntk tz hgbgnwx drtz

thz drhbgr/// hgbgr uutx thz rhhfgr tui ngr dgkubdgi dhhy zhfgr

cgxgr stx kgci’ tui sgr uutx thz agbgr tvgrdgaygky vty

zhfgr t kgci ti ehhi auugrhehhyi’ kgrbgi nhr zhl tcgr tp pubgo

srhhsk tz bhay ehhi jhkue uuh tzuh gx euey tuhx tuhxgrkhl thz

hgsgr ctn, sh zgkcg’ hgsgr vty zhl zhhbg cgxgrg tui auutfgrg

mhhyi tui auugrhehhyi uutx gr str; thcgreungi///

3( uugi sh srhhsk ptky’ uugy stx bhay

thhchd ptki mu sh akgfyg zhhy’ gx vty

gykhfg zhhyi uuh gx egi ptki tui gx uugy

tuhl tntk ptki mu sh duyg zhhy///

stx thz dtr t aytreg khnus ptr

tubz’ tz tphku nwptky nuz btfbhay nhhbgi

tz gx thz akgfy/ gx egi tntk zhhi tz

tphku nwthz dgptki tui gx euey tuhx

akgfy thz stx dtr dguugi t yucv’ uuhhk t

ngbya uuhhxy bhay thhchd uutx gx thz duy

ptr tho’ vah", thz tubzgr dgyrhhg ytyg

uutx vty tubz khc’ tui tphku nhr aphri

tntk uuh nhr ptki’ egi stx tcgr zhhi muo

duyi zhhy///

4( uuh tuhl thz fsth tbmungrei tz pubey

uuh chho srhhsk aphk kuhby zhl mu cteungi

tptr ntk sgo "a" )uutx ctshhy tz hgsgr

aygky tui nwsrhhy btftntk//(’ uuhhk sh

dguuhbx nhywi "d" )tsgr kuhy yhhk thz stx sh "b"//( btfsgo uugy zhhi

phk ngr///

stx zgkcg thz tuhl chh tubzgr nmc’ uutx tphku gx ntfy zhl

tkx auugrgehhyi nhy txtl surfpgkgr’ aphrbshd tz nwpruchry tui

pruchry tui nwptky uuhsgr tsurl bhay zggbshd sh haugv’ ztk ngi

tcgr dgsgbei tz t dguuhbx btl tzuhphk prutuui tui surfpgkgr uugy

zhhi dtr t druhxg dguuhbx///

stx thz dtr taytreg khnus ptrtubz’ tz tphku nwptkynuz btfbhay nhhbgi tzgx thz akgfy/ gx egitntk zhhi tz tphku nwthz

dgptki tui gx eueytuhx akgfy thz stx

dtr dguugi t yucv’

gx uugry dgcrgbdy t nurtwshdg uutry pubgo vhhkhdgr j,o xupr:

dguugi tntk t ngbya uutx vty pui tkgo duyi dgyui ptrntdi’ akuo ch,/// dgzuby/// duyg ehbsgr/// t ,urvwshdg ayuc/// tui sgrmu t

ahhbg prbxv/// tcgr uuh grayuhbgbs’ vty gr zhl k"g dgbungi stx kgci///!!

gr vty thcgrdgktzy t mgyk: pui tkgx duyx uutx thl vtc dgyui ptrntdi vtc thl ehhi auo ygo thi kgci bhay dgyui vtci///!

thz nxchr sgr j,o xupr:

sh ycg pui t ngbya thz tz uugi gr vty t mrv tui gr uugry dgvtkpi’ stx thz uutx dhy jhu, ptr t ngbya! nhy sgo uutx nwaphry

zhl tbdguutbsi tuh; sh aygbshdg jxsho pui vah",’ tui ngi kgcy nhy sgo ctagpgrwx vadjv pryh, tuh; yrhy tui arhy’ uugry ngi

mudgchbsi tui btby mu tho’ tui stx dhy xhpue tui kgci ptr t ngbya!

bvd hartk thi sh hnh vjbufv mu aphki srhhsk/ gx thz ti

tbdgbungbg nbvd chh dtb. fkk hartk druhx uuh ekhhi’

zebho go bgrho///

thz tntk fsth trhhbmuyrtfyi thi sh nmhtu, pui sgo ekhhbgo

"srhhsk"/// uutx stx thz’ tui uutx sh aphk thz’ tui uutx nhr egbgi

zhl dtr tphku tpkgrbgi sgrpui dguuhxg gbhbho uutx gx egi tubz

tchxk budg zhhi tuhpwi kgci/

"stx kgci srhhsy zhl///" stx thz ti tbdgbungbg nmhtu, uutx

ehhbgr egi bhay ptrkhhegbgi’ stx zgvy ngi fxsr crujbhu, uc-

danhu,’ chh xhh uugo tui chh xhh uugkfg nmhtu,/ vhhby thz sgr rhhl

tui sgr tpdgakhxi tui bgexyg jusa ptregry/// mu thz stx thi

sh phbtbmhgkg uugky uuh nwvtky thi thhi zgvi uuh sh uugky srhhy zhl’

vhhby thz sh getbtnhg duy tui ntrdi akgfy tui thcgr ntrdi btl

grdgr tui bgexyg uutl murhe cgxgr/// tzuh tuhl thi sh ptkhyhag

uugky’ vhhby thz sgr druhx tui ctrhny tui sgr muuhhygr thz tpdg-

prgdy chh hgsgo’ tui thcgrntrdi thz thbdtbmi ptregry//// gx

pgky zhl ctn, bhay tuhx ehhi xpgmhphag nakho uuhhk stx zgbgi

tbdgbungbg pteyi uutx nhr zggi tui vtkyi stx nhy ytd ygdkhl

tz gx euey auhi fngy tuhx uuh btyurkhfg dgaggbhai/

tuhc gx thz chh hgsg dguugbkhfg pry tzuh ptraygbskhl’ thz chh

tubz ptrpgkegr’ thi tubzgr nmc’ cfkk thcrhd xhh uugkfg vxcrho’

nxchr mu zhhi uutx gx nhhby tz stx kgci srhhy zhl/// uuhhk nhr kgci

stx fxsr nhy tuh; yrhy tui arhy’ kgcbshd thi sh nmc uutx gx

thz tubz ctagry tsurfmudhhi’ thz stx nna tubzgr xsr vhuo/// sgr

nmc - ju. uutx gx ntfy cfkkhu, mucrtfi t ngbya’ uugrbshd

tpdgnuyagy pui sh tkg auugrhehhyi phzha tui dhhxyha - crgbdy

gx btl nhy zhl nhy ngr cpryhu, thrg btfuuhhgi tui prtckgngi’

uuh stx kgci uugry ptrsrhhy tui muptri///

tui stx thz nna nhsh jusa cjsau’ nhsh acug uacug’ nhsh huo

chunu’ tui tphku dtr nhsh agv uagv/// vhhby ayhhy ngi tuh; muprh

kuhpbshd ptrytdx nhy t ptzhyhuug dgphk tz tkgx uugy zhhi duy tui

phhi’ tui ntrdi nhy t ptregryg dgphk uugrbshd mucrtfi pui sh

kgmyg rgzukytyi/// ju. uutx dhhxyha bgny stx thbdtbmi thcgr

sgo ngbya’ uugy stx dguugbkhl tuhl phzha ptrsrhhgi sgo ruyhbgo

xsr vhuo’ uutx uugry ptrsrhhy pubgo kuhpi ptrytdx mu tpuhbyn-

gbyx tui thbnhyi ytd tuugekuhpi tuhpmuyui uutx ngi str; tuh-

pyui/// vehmur’ gx bgny thbdtbmi thcgr sgo ngbya’

tuugeakgpbshd thoqthr pui xhh uugkfi btrntki xsr vjhho/// uuhphk

די דריידל...מ

c/ xupr

dgzgmi chi thl///

thi steygrwx tphx tuh; t ctzul///

sh uutry-ztk uuhrcgky nhy ngbyai phk///

hgsgr trhhbdgyui thi zhhi thhdgbg mhk///

tui thl muuhai zhh///

yuv ktzi nhhbg njacu, kuhpi prhh///

mu uugk thl yteg egbgi sgrdrhhfi?///

muo mhk tk. yhyk "ntng" grrhhfi?///

nhhbg tuhdi muo vhnk thl yuv tuhpvhhci///

vhhkhdg ctagpgr’ su chxy sgr rupt’ mu shr yuv thl vtpi tui dkhhci///

tkgx uutx thl yuv thz va,sku, pui nhhi zhhy///

tcgr su ctagpgr’ aygbshd nhy vtpgbubd su ctdkhhyxy///

tui pui muuhai nhhbg njacu, t euk pui dguuhhi thl vgr///

thl srhh zhl tuhx mu zgvi uugr thz sgr///

tui pui sgr zhhy///

sgrzgi vtc thl t duhwhag ptr zhmy tui uuhhby///

ptraytbgi vtc thl pui muuhai zhhgrg yrgri///

tz mu duyg bhhgx vtci zhh bhay dgyui vgri///

gx thz dguugi t rjnbu, tuh; zhh mu ckhei///

ehhbgr yuy zhl bhay tuh; zhh tuneuei///

tui "thl" uuh tbsgra yuy gx zhhi///

thi hgsg nmc chi thl bhay "tkhhi"///

thl vtc t ytyg stry thi vhnk///

uutx hgsg ,phkv’ hgsg pgukv ntfy t rga tui yunk///

tarhbu nv yuc jkehbu gx uuhk zhl zhbdgi t khs///

tar cjr cbu nfk vgnho - dgkuhcy chxyu ctagpgr tz thl chi t ths!!!

מיר זענעןקיינמאל

נישט אליין

jhzue

ehhbntk bhay tuhpvgri shr khc mu vtci///ww

tkg trunhdg vtci dgeuey nhy rjnbu, tuh; sgo htbeh uutx thz

bgcgl trtp pui zhbgi’ gr ayhhy nhy t pktxyhdi etryk tui ytbmy

vepu, uuh purho chhbtfy’ wwnhhi ytyg vty nhl khc! nhhi ytyg vty

nhl khc! gr vty nhl bhay ptrktzy’ gr vty btr dgvgry tz thl uuhk

murhe eungi vty gr nhr dgahey t etryk uutx trcgy chz thl uugk

tbeungi murhe mu tho tvhho! tzt duygr ytyg’ tphku btl tkgx uutx

thl vtc tpdgyui zhl mu sgruuhhygri pui tho tui tho tuhpmurgdi uuhhzy

gr nhr btl tk. ektr tz gr uutry thl murhe tvhhneungi tui murhe

uugri t ths! uuhtzuh ztk thl bhay ytbmi///"

•••

thsi zgbgi dguugi thi dku, hui’ ptrzhbegi thi sh drgxyg yuntv uutx

sh ragho - sh huubho vtci trhhbdgcrgbdy thi fkk hartk’ pruchrbshd

tuhxmukgai sgo vhhkhdi thshai dhhxy’ tui tuhxrhhxi hgsg chxgk

vhhkhdehhy uutx nhr vtci ptrntdy/ zhh vtci duzr dguugi chygrg dzhru,

tuhxmurhhxi sh hxusu,wshdg nmuu, pui ac,’ jusa’ tui nhkv’ uutx ti

zhh thz t ths bhay ehhi ths tui sh ,urv thz ehhi ,urv/ zhh vtci zhl bhay

ctdgbhdy nhy sgo’ btr zhh vtci tuhl njkk dguugi sh vhhkhdxyg uutx

fkk hartk vty btl sti ptrntdy - sh ch, vnesa’ tui nynt dguugi

hgsg ptrayhpyi uutubek thi sgo neuo esua/ thsi zgbgi khhsgr dguugi

ptrzhbegi capk vnmc’ ngi vty bhay ctdrhpi sgo chygri nmc cru-

jbhu,/ sh janubtho vtci pruchry nkjnv mu vtkyi tui tuhxdgrupi

"nh kvw tkh///!" tcgr khhsgr zgbgi uuhhbhd pui fkk hartk dguugi ptr-

rgfby thi sgo etygdtrhg/// thsi zgbgi dguugi ptraktpi thi t auugri

yhbegki nmc’ dgzufy dkhei muuhai sh duho uugrbshd bgcgl ptrakgpy

yhpgr tui yhpgr///

vah", - tubzgr khcg ytyg thi vhnk thz tcgr bhay dgaktpi tui

dgahey sh haugv surl sh vhhkhdg janubtho/ ftya zhh vtci sti btf-

bhay rhfyhd ,aucv dgyti - uuh gx uugry dgcrgbdy thi sh xprho

vesuaho )hgru, sca( tz sh bx jbufv thz dguugi sh thhbmhdxyg mrv

pui uutx thsi zgbgi dgvtkpi dguutri ti yui ,aucv’ stl vty gr tcgr

nhy zhhi tuhxygrkhag tvcv tpdgrtyguugy "t ekhhbgo erhdgkg -

t pl ani yvur"/ tui tuhpsgo prhhgi nhr zhl jbufv tuhxmusrhei

tubzgr dguutkshdg anjv tz "nhhi ytyg vty nhl khc//!" tphku nhr

vtci zhl khhsgr ptrzhbshdy ptr tho vty gr tubz tcgr stl bhay

ptrktzy//!"/

nhr zhmi jbufv tuhpsgrbtfy chh sh jbufv khfy’ tui nhr egbgi zhl

prgdi uutx thz sh druhxg prhhs pui sgo huo yuc jbufv? tsrcv nhr

zgvi dtr sgrhi t auugrg mhhy’ uuhhk tzuh uuh hgsg huo yuc crgbdy

jbufv tuhl truhx sh auugrgehhyi pui tubzgr nmc/// tcgr trhhbyrt-

fygbshd thi sgo bx jbufv egbgi nhr zhl aytrei tui truhxbgngi t

dguutkshdg jhzue uutx sh bx jbufv aygky ptr nhy zhl/ uuhhk nhr

yugi dkhhci tz pubey uuh "chnho vvo" vty vah", dguuhzi zhhi tvcv

mu tubz kpbho naur, vshi’ tzuh tuhl "czni vzv" yuy gr naphg zhhi

sgo zgkci khfyhdehhy/ tuhpwi zgkci uugd pubgo sgntkxwshdi bx uugy

gr tubz vhhby tuhl uuhhzi zhhi druhxi khcatpy’ tui tubz truhxbgngi

pui xhh uugkfi auugri nmc nhr yugi zhl dgpubgi/ "vah", vty tubz

aygbshd khgc - uuhhk gr thz tubzgr khcg ytyg" tui gr uugy tubz

zhfgr vgkpi tui crgbdi tubzgr kgfyhdg haugv///

hgsi bmrl/

zhhi htbeh thz tuhpdguutexi nhyi dtksgbgo kgpk thi nuhk’ rw xgb-

sgr vty dgvtpy tz sh tkg grkhfg thsi uutx zgbgi fxsr thhbdgayt-

bgi chh tho uugki vtci t vapgv tuh; zhhi ,fahywk xwztk gpgx

tuhxuutexi pui tho/ tcgr khhsgr thz htbeh bhay chhdgaytbgi sgo

bxhui vguar’ gr thz dguugi tzuh mudguutuhby tz tkgx thz zhhbx tui tz

tkgx str; gr vtci’ tz gr vty pauy tuhxdgrhxi sgo uutry bhhi pui

zhhi aprtl’ uutx gr vty dgstrpy tui uutx xwthz tho btr chhdgptki

thi zhhi etp trhhi thz dkhhl truhx ni vfj tk vpugk/

dgky vty bhay dgpgky’ rw xgbsgr vty bhay dgegby pugki chh

zhl bhay mu dhci ehhi dgky ptr htbehwi’ gr vty tho tphku btfdgdgci

tui dgntfy t ergshy etryk tuh; zhhi btngi btfsgo uutx htbeh vty

dgxyrtagy nhyi grdxyi tuhc nwuugy tho bhay btfdgci’ tui htbeh

vty zhl dgsrhhy tui dgxuuhhpy sgo etryk thi tkg neunu, uuh ti

grkhfgr ths vty bhay ehhi srhx, rdk’ xwvty

tho bhay thbygrgxhry tz zhhi ytyg khhby sh

chkx nhy ckuy’ bhay mukhc sh txyrtbtnhag

dgkygr uutx gr khhdy truh; sgruh;’ btr

xwrhhxy tho sh vtr. tz wwzhhiww ctkhcygr

htbeh’ sgr ehbs tuh; uugngi gr vty dgkhhdy

tzuhphk vtpgbubd’ zhhi thhbmhdgr ci hjhswk’

euey bgcgl tzuh tuhx/

sh tzuhdgrupgbg nunjho vtci dgwgmvwy rw

xgbsgrwi’ vte bhay tp sh ctmhtubdgi’ ckhhc

duy nhy tho’ tpar tzuh uugy gr btl tntk

murhe eungi/

khnho vty htbeh njkhy dguugi tz nhy

sgo tkgo uutx sgr ytyg ptrchhxy zhl sh

khpi tui gr ztdy tho bhay ehhi uutry’ stl

thz ctrt ptre bhay sgr pkt. ptr tho/ zhhi

banv uutx vty tkhhbx bhay dguutuxy mu

uutx xwsuray thz bhay ctprhshdy dguutri

nhy sh tkg ngaho yucho zhhbg’ tui gr vty

dgftpy t pkhdgr ehhi thbshg’ stry vty gr

dgvgry egi ngi zhl rhfyhd wwtuhxdgciww///

ptrayhhy zhl tz zhhi ctkhcygr jcr’ sgr ergshy etryk’ thz nhy-

dgptri nhy tho kturl fk vsrl/

xwthz tsurl t ktbdg mhhy’ tui sh thhbmhdxyg druxi uutx rw xgbsgr

vty cteungi pui htbeh zgbgi dguugi sh jusawkhfg crhuu pui tngrhegi

gexprgx/// sgrntbgbshd sgo ytyi tz grdgmuutu thi sh uuhhyg thbshg

kuhpy truo gpgx t crhw uutx thz khhsgr zhhi thhbmhd ehbs’ tui gr

dkhyay tui dkhyay yhpgr uuh yh;/

ptrayhhy zhl tz bhay tkgx uutx htbeh vty tpdgyui thz dguugi

tuhxdgvtkyi kuhy sh thbshtbg dgzgmi’ uugi sgr phhk thi sh thbshtbg

ptkhmhh vuhpyeuutryhr thz auhi dguugi dgbud she’ vtci zhh tuhpdgbungi

t xpgmhgki shygeyhuu uutx ztk zhl tpdgci btr nhyi ftpi sgo dgn-

hhbgo ptrcrgfgr/ htbeh thz dguutri btl uuhksgr’ gr thz dgzhbegi btl

yhpgr’ tcgr zhhi banv thz btfbhay dguugi ctprhshdy/

uugi htbeh thz thi thbshg tuhl bhay zty dguutri vty gr tbdgvuhci

mu zhfi btl yhpgr’ chz gr thz khhsgr trhhbdgptki thi t euky’ t drupg

ptbtyhag nhxyhag dkuhchdg auyho/ pui tbptbd vty gr dgaphry t

dgante sgrhi’ tcgr uugi sh mhhy thz dgeungi tui grdgmuutu yh; thi

zhhi ptrstrci vtr. vty t uugrhnwk dgbungi busagi’ vty htbeh zhl

tuhpdguugey uuh pui t yhpi jkuo/ xwthz tho surfdgkpi uuh t phko sh

dganteg stuugbgbwx thi hahcv’ sgr dgante pui t ckty dnw ,uxw

thi nxw cct c,rt’ sgr duygr dgphk btl t phb; agv rmupu,’ tui tphku

sh btrvtpyhd ktyegx uutx zhhi ntng vty jbufv dgntfy’ t phhgr

vty zhl dgbungi crgbgi tho tho murhe mu dhhi muo aura/

tcgr sgr euky thz dguugi t uuti uugh xyrhy’ sh yhr vty zhl dg-

gpby btr tuh; trhhi’ truhx vty ngi dgphry btr muo ch, vecru,//

htbeh vty pruchry truhxmubgngi gpgx ega pubgo gh yh go ntahi

stry’ )euey tuhx tz dgky vtci zhh ht trhhbdgktzy’ grdgmuutu vtci

sh phrgr dgyrtpi t uugd gx mu sgptzhyi///( tcgr t crtl’ tngrhegi

gexprgx trcgy bhay ngr’ zhh vtci tuhpdgvgry mu dhci’ htbeh vty

bhay dgftpy tz sgr etryk vty pauy gexphhgry// zhhi vtr. vty

dgmhygry tz zhhi ytybx dgsuks vty dgpk-

tmy’ gr thz zhfgr dguugi tz zhhi ytyg vty

tuhpdgdgci tuh; tho tui gr uuhk tho ngr

bhay egbgi’ tui stx vty tho uuhh dgyui ngr

pui tkgo/

htbeh thz dguutri thbdtbmi ptrmuuhhpky’

thbgo euky thz zhhi kgci bhay ehhi kgci’ zhhi

vhhkhdg thshag banv uutx crgby murhemue-

ungi muo aura egi bhay tuhxvtkyi st

tphku btl thhi ytd’ zhl truhxwdbcwbgi thz tuhl

bhay ehhi pkti’ sh ptkhmhh uugy tho dkhhl

ftpi thi trgxyhri srhh ntk khh;/ sh

thhbmhdxyg gmv uutky dguugi mu ptratpi

gpgx dgky’ nhy dgky egi gr thhbgo thby-

greuhpi ztk tho truhxauugrmi pui thbshg’

tui gr uugy yrgpi sgo uugd murhe tvhho mu

zhhi ytyg ntng/ tcgr xwthz chygr’ sgr

ytyg vty auhi tuhl tuhpdgdgci tuh; nhr’

gr uuhk nhr auhi bhay egbgi’ euey tuhl tz

fwvtc zhl auhi muphk ptrzhbshdy tui xwbhayt

ngr ehhi uugd murhe’ ptruutzag sgi vty gr

tpdgvtey sgo ergshy etryk’ uugr ztdy

tz sgr ytyg uugy tho btl uugki trhhbbgngi thi ayuc?

htbeh thz tuhpi auugk pui htua’ xwuuhk zhl auhi tuhpdgci// tcgr stl’

sgr pktegr uutx vty zhl mupktny thi tho’ sh khcatpy uutx zhhbg

gkygri vtci tho dgdgci thi tkg auugrg nmcho vty stl gpgx tuh-

pdgyui’ gr vty njkhy dguugi mu dgci thhi kgmyi atbx’ gr vty

tpdgarhci t ekhhi crhuuk’ wwytyg’ sgr etryk trcgy bhay! thl uuhk

tvhhneungi’ uutx dhhy ptr?"/ xwthz tho bhay tbdgeungi drhbd truhx-

muauugrmi sgo crhuu tui zhfgr ntfi tz xweuny ti thi ptxy’ tcgr

stl vty gr dgyui tkgx thi sh uugky sgr crhuu ztk ptrktzi thbshg

tui ktbsi thi ctrt ptre/

gr thz dguugi zhfgr tz ehhi gbypgr uugy bhay eungi’ btfsgo uutx

gr vty tzuhphk dgaphdi sgo ytyi thi pbho trhhi vty gr auhi zhfgr

tuhpdgdgci tuh; tho’ uuh grayuhby thz gr tcgr dguutri uugi muuhh uutfi

apgygr thz tbdgeungi mu tho t ekhhi gbuugktp’ t bhhgr etryk’ tui

t crhuugkg pui muuhh auru,/

nhhi yhhgrgr htbegkg’ uutx ntfxyu? pui shhi ytyg uutx uugy

SHA

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gr thz dguugi zhfgr tzehhi gbypgr uugy bhayeungi’ btfsgo uutx grvty tzuhphk dgaphdi sgoytyi thi pbho trhhi vtygr auhi zhfgr tuhpdgdgci

tuh; tho’ uuh grayuhbythz gr tcgr dguutri uugi

muuhh uutfi apgygr thztbdgeungi mu tho t

ekhhi gbuugktp

x thz st t ctetbyg eaht/

pxj prtuugy ngi nhy druhx prhhs tz tubzgrg zhhsgx

zgbgi ctprhhy dguutri pui ebgfyatpy/ aygky thhl ptr’ thcgr muuhh

vubsgry htr’ tptr suru, thi t mhv zgbgi cbh hartk dguugi pauyg

ebgfy/ nwvty zhl ctbumy nhy zhh grdgr uuh sh tngrhetbg nhy sh au-

utrmg’ cjunr uckcbho ucfk gcusv casv/ ktnhr bhay trhhbdhhi thbgo

trhfu, vscrho’ hgsgr ptrayhhy’ xwthz st thcgr uutx zhl mu prhhgi’

nwthz truhx ngcsu, kjru,/ tv’ ktnhr prtuugi ti tfy ytdhei huo

yuc/

acugu, - nhr zgbgi dguutri ti go vbcjr’ uvhh,o kh xdukv nfk

vgnho/ nhr zgbgi ngr bhay uuh btl t ptke muuhai tbsgrg pgkegr/

nhr zgbgi dguutri cbho kneuo’ cteungi t ,urv’ di gsi uugki nhr cte-

ungi ptr sh tkg nmuu,/ sgr rca"g vty ptr hgsi pui tubz dgztdy

ektr tui shhykhl tbfh vao tkehl/ uuh dkhekhl zgbgi nhr’ tuusth prhhgi

nhr zhl tui chz vhhby yuhzbygr htr apgygr gxi thsi yahz eghe tui

ytbmi gkhubho aau/

rta vabv - kl tfuk canjv kjnl fh fcr rmv tkeho t, ngahl/

nhr dkhhci tz sgr curt fk guknho sgr nkl rjni thz tubz si kjhho

ukcrfv/ uuh egi ngi bhay zhhi prhhkhl’ uugi sgr rca"g thz ngchr

tanu,hbu cfk abv uabv’ tui gr ptrarhhcy tubz cxpri ak msheho

dnurho/ zhfgr prtuugi nhr t huo yuc/

xufu, - vty stl sh ,urv ektr tbdgztdy uanj, cjdhl’ t nmuv

pui tuhcgrayi’ thsi zhhyx prhhkhl/ tui gx thz btl t zfr mu sh gbbh

vfcus uutx sgr rca"g vty tubz ctahmy sgrnhy thi nscr/ uugr

rgsy btl anj, ,urv uugi nwytbmy chzi zhcgyi vhnk kdunrv ak

,urv’ btl t htr trhcgr tui nhr vtci nxhho dguugi chz uzt, vcrfv/

btfngr’ nhr vhhci uuhsgr ti crtah,! nhr vtci tzt khfyhdg ,urv

uutx kgrby tubz tui vhhkhdy tubz/ tv’ t dganteg xgus, huo yuc

thz zhfgr ptxhd/

tcgr jbufv?

uutx thz stx jbufv? nwvty dguutubgi t nkjnv/// uuhhbhd nkjnu,

vtci thsi dguuhbgi cscrh hnh hartk? tuhk vty dgcrgby tfy ytd///

thi ch, vnesa thz dguugi garv bhxho hgsi ytd! pkhha vty zhl dgcr-

tyi tui pkhdi zgbgi bhay dgpkuhdi! uuhbyi vtci dgcktzi tui sgr ruhgl

pui nzcj vty zhl bhay dgrhry! rgdi vty dgdtxi tui sgr phhgr pui

nzcj vty uuhhygr dgcrgby! tui ehhi huo yuc sgruh; vty ngi bhay

dgntfy///

hvuag vty tpdgaygky sh zui! ehhi huo yuc vty ngi bhay

dgntfy// xbjrhcwx dtbmgr nhkhygr thz tuhxdgaytrci thcgrbtfy’

tui ehhi huo yuc vty ngi bhay dgntfy// sh junv pui hrhju thz thhb-

dgzhbegi’ tui ehhi huo yuc vty ngi bhay dgntfy/ bhxho vtci fxsr

ptxhry chh fkk hartk’ nwvty dgkuhcy tui dgstbey sgo nxcc fk

vxhcu, uutx thz gubv kgnu hartk cg, augo tkhu’ tcgr nwztdy bhay

ehhi vkk tui nwmhbsy bhay ehhi khfykgl yuhzgbygr htr apgygr///

•••

rw xgbsgr thz dguugi tui thz btl tk. t rhhfgr ths’ sgr rta ur-

taui kfk scr acesuav’ hgsg yhh tuugby cteuny t pgyg b,hbv’

hgsgr shbgr t drtci yage’ tui hgsgr naukj t dktyi vubsgrygr/

zhhi rhhfg ptkt. thi ctrt ptre thz sgr btyurkhfgr tsrgx ptr

SHA

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jhzue

אשטענדיגע אהבה

ע

vtpgbubdgi muptki/ stx vty tubz aytre dgvtkpi uuhhk tubzgr vtppgbubd

thz dguugi dtr tbsgra/

tui cbudg shhbg ,pku, tui xduku,// hgsg thhbg sgrpui uugry

tuugedgkhhdy tui gx dhhy j"u bhay kthcus/ sgr rcubu ak guko vty khc

sh ,pku, pui sh uutx pktdi zhl nhy t bxhui’ gr khhdy gx tuuge/ stuugi

uuhhygr nhywi dtbmi vtr.’ tui gx uugy dgvtkyi uugri ptr shr chz su uugxy

cgzr, vah", zufv zhhi mu t haugv’ dtr ceruc th"v! tcgr chz sti’ stuugi

tui stuugi mu zhhi canjv tui mu vtci sh fuju, tbmudhhi’ tzuh uuh txtl

jcrho st egbgi shr tbmhhdi thi zhhgr nmc/ vah", ztk auhi tuhxvgri shhbg

,pku,’ tui nhr ztki zufv zhhi mu vgri cauru, yucu, ceruc///

gbypgr #3/// )n/e/(

gx uugy shr drhbdgr uugri uugi su uugxy zhl st tuneuegi chh tbsgrg

jcrho nhy sh zgkcg prtckgo’ tui uuh tuhl dgsgbe tz gx pgky zhl bhay

tuhx ehhi xpgmhgkg ytktbyi mu vtci ehbsgr’ gx uugbsy zhl ckuhz thi vah",/

gbypgr #4/// )t/c/a/(

nhhi gbypgr thz bhay ckuhz dgmhky ptr sgo prtckgo uutx thz

tuhxdganugxy st’ btr cfkkhu, ptr hgsg auugrhehhy uutx gx ntfy zhl

tntk chh t ths’ tcgr cgher chh tubzgr nmc thz gx aytre budg/

gx thz st muuhh tupbho uuhtzuh ngi egi tbeuei t auugrg nmc uutx ngi

ntfy nhy/ thhbx’ tkx "t ayrt;" ptr t dguuhxg akgfyg yty uutx ngi

vty dgyui thbgo gcr’ tui stx thz dguugbkhl sh grayg ztl uutx euny

truh; tuhpwi dgstbe ptr t ngbya uutx dhhy tsurl xhh uugkfg auugrg

bxhui/ gx thz tcgr st t muuhhyg uugd uuh tzuh ngi egi tpkgrbgi t bxhui’

ngi egi gx tbbgngi tkx "t nhyk zhl mu sgrvhhci"///

sh grayg tupi thz ctn, bhay ehhi prtckgo uugi ngi bgny gx yteg

ti tkx t sgrntbubd pui vah", zhl mu ptrcgxgri thi dguuhxg gbhbho’ uuhhk

gx thz tkx duy mu ayhhdi tui uugri tkx cgxgr tui cgxgr thi tkgo’

btfsgrmu tz ngi aphry tz gx thz yteg st gbhbho uutx ptrktbdy zhl

ctn, t ayhek ptrcgxgrubd///

tcgr ksg,h thz stx ctn, bhay rhfyhd tzuh tbmubgngi tubzgr bxhui’

uuhhk thi ptey’ tz ngi euey zhl tchxk tuo tuh; jcrho tui ngbyai truo’

euey bhay tuhx tz gx ztk vtci t ahhfu, nhy xhh uugkfg ngaho ngi

vty dgytvi cgcr’ btfsgrmu tz "thi mshe ctr. tar hgav yuc ukt

hjyt"’ hgsgr vty zhl zhhi pgek pui uutx gr str; egr bgngi///

btfngr’ egi ngi zgi murheeuebshd tuhpwi gcr pui fkk hartk nhuo vuxsv

gs g,v’ uuhphk tui uugr gx zgbgi dguugi sh uutx vtci zhl tkx dgnuyagy

nhy tubzgr auugrhehhy’ nhy sgo zgkci bxhui/// tbdgvuhci nhy sh vhhkhdxyg

tui ctkhcxyg pgrzgbkhfehhyi chh fkk hartk’ sh "tcu, vesuaho" tui sh

"vhhkhdg tnvu," arv’ rcev’ rjk tui jbv’ phk pui sh druhxg ,btho utnurtho’

rtaubho utjrubho/// tui tzuh uuhhygr pui sh ,knhsh cga"y tui ,knhsh vdr"t

ukhyt/// tui uuh tuhl nna kgmygbx uuhhxi nhr tkg pui ptrahsgbg dsukho pui

sh agbxyg tui cgxyg chh fkk hartk uutx vtci zhl dgnuyagy nhy sgo

zgkci prtckgo’ uc,ufo )uuh uuhhy thl dgsgbe hgmy tuhpi ntngby( rch b,i

tskgr z"k’ vrv"e rw tkgzr nrhhat z"k’ vrv"e nxtyntr z"k’ rch tkjbi

uutxgrnti z"k’ vdtui rch nthr aphrt z"k - r"h jfnh kuckhi’ vdtui vjzui tha

z"k’ vrv"e rn"t prhhbs z"k - dtc"s hruakho’ tui phk ngr///

nnhkt’ bgngbshd stx thi ctyrtfy’ uuhhxi nhr auhi tkg tz rhfyhdgr

tbmubgngi sgo bxhui tkx "t nhyk zhl mu sgrvhhci"’ svhhbu tz vah",

yrtxy tubz ngr uuh t muuhhyi surfmudhhi sgo bxhui’ vtkybshd tz nhr zgbgi

dgbud ctdkhhcy chh tho tz nhr uugki stx egbgi chhayhhi’ zhhgbshd pui sh

tuhxsgruugkyg uugo gr uuhk cthzv tupi avut crgbdgi bgbygr mu tho///

tui tuhc gx thz yteg tzuh’ strpi nhr zhl ftya thi t uugd aphri dkhekhl

nhy tubzgr auugrhehhy tui bxhui’ tui gf"p bhay jkhkv zhl tbeuegi tsgr

aphri uuh t surfdgptkgbg ngbya j"u/

tui cgher’ vtcbshd sgo ckhe sgruh;’ uugxyu aphri tz hgsg surfdhhgbsg

ytd pktdbshd zhl nhy sgo bxhui’ uugri nhr tkx ngr tui ngr bgbygr mu

vah",’ tui nhy hgsi ytd uugri nhr tkx t ytd bgbygr mu tubzgr

gbsdhkyhdg druhxg haugv uutx egi tui uugy th"v ptxhri dtr ceruc///

nhr strpi dkhhci tz tuhc vah", vty tubz tuhxdguugky tkx zhhbg

xpgmhgkg’ uugy gr tubz zhfgr bhay prutuui nhy auugrhehhyi tui nmcho

ngr pui uutx nhr egbgi thcgryrtdi kuhy tubzgrg fuju, vdu; uvbpa’ tui

tubz uugk nhr cgzvah", dtr ceruc dgvtkpi uugri///

muo akux’ mumugbshdi tui muztnmubgngi sgo chz hgmyhdi anugx’ thz thbygrgxtby trtpmucrgbdgi’ uutx thl vtc kgmybx dgzgi tbngrei

tuh; sh phkg tpyhhyai pui sh uutry "bx"’ tbdgvuhci nhywi pauywi yhhya pui "bx - t bxhui"’ tui tzuh tuhl sh ptkdgbsg phkg yhhyai’ "bx - t

aytbd" )nkaui vpxue gav kl ar; uaho tu,u gk bx(’ "bx - t mhhfi" )nkaui vpxue b,,v khrthl bx kv,buxx(’ "bx - kuhpi" )nkaui vpxue

kbux anv/// ubx tk tj, vgrho(’ "bx - tuhpvhhci"/

kgbhbhbu egi ngi gx tpar zhhgr ahhi muztnbgngi’ nhywi ,nmh, pui sh ptrahsgbg ,hrumho uutx gx zgbgi st dguutri tuhxdganugxy tuh;

sh tuhcbsgrntbyg prtdgx/ svhhbu tz tubzgr nmc egi zhl tntk aphri uuh "t bxhui" pui ctagpgr’ tui tntk uuh "t aytbd" aphrbshd tz ngi

uugry ctayrtpy nhy ekgp’ tui tzuh tuhl egi ngi stx tpkgrbgi uuh "t mhhfi" pui vhnk zhl mu ptrcgxgri thi dguuhxg gbhbho’ ukgun, zv

egi ngi stx tuhl tbbgngi tkx t nhyk zhl mu "sgrvhhci"’ uugrbshd bgbygr mu vah", surl tubzgr tuhxsgruugkyi nmc/

vtkybshd hgmy chnh vjbufv uugi nwkuhcy vah", tuh; sh druhxg "bx jbufv"’ tui gx thz st sgr gbhi pui "prxunh bhxt"’ egi stx yteg

tuhl zhhi tubzgr ,pkv mu vah",’ thi tzgkfg dgvuhcgbg znbho uugi gx thz t zni n,pkk mu zhhi tuh; "utzfv krtu, cbho ucbh cbho guxeho

c,urv ucnmuu,/// )kao hjus cvske, br jbufv(’ yugi nhr vtpi tui cgyi gx ztk auhi b,ehho uugri chh tubz tkg sh vske, br jbufv nhywi

rhfyhdi vhsur surl "prxunh bhxt"’ svhhbu gx ztk auhi b,prxo uugri sh rhfyhdg tpyhhya pubgo uutry "bx"’ surl t rhfyhdg "bx ni vanho"’

bhay btr "chnho vvo" btr tuhl "czni vzv"’ thi tubzgr hgmyhdi auugri nmc/

uuh tuhl ztk auhi b,dkv uugri sgr "tur vdbuz" - sh ctvtkygbg khfyhdehhy uutx khdy thi tubzgr yubegki nmc/// uuh nwztdy thbgo hvh rmui

ptrwi khfy mhbsgi jbufv’ fh t,v ,thr brh vw tkeh hdhv jafh’ nhr ztki auhi zgvi - hgsgr thi zhhi nmc - sh rhfyhdg khfyhdehhy uutx khdy

ctvtkyi’ sh khfyhdehhy uutx vah", vty tubz dgatbegi nhy t xpgmhgki vadjv tui khcatpy’ uugkbshd tubz crgbdgi t aytpk bgbygr mu

tho/// uutx ftya gx euey btl hgmy tuhx vhpa yubek’ bhay zggbshd sgo duyi xu; sgrpui’ zgbgi nhr tcgr zhfgr tz sh khfyhdehhy uugy dtr

ceruc th"v truhxahhbgi nhy thr puki ahhbehhy tui kgfyhdehhy/// uczfu, n,,hvu fvi dsuk ucbhu vrthbu bpktu,’ ucturl brtv tur/

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uutx vty tho dgvtkpi nhy zhhi haugv’ tui uuhsgrtuo chh arv tnhbu

uugry dgcrgbdy )thl dgsgbe bhay uuh( tz zh vty tbdgkhhdy sh haugv thi

dgci vdr ptr tcrvo/

thz ctn, nhhi thl tz gx thz bhay st sgruh; t dgvgrhdg ,hru.’ gk

fk pbho uutx nhr ztki ptrayhhi’ gx thz tkx st ztfi uutx zgbgi mu et-

npktmhry ptr tubz mu uuhxi tui ptrayhhi’ tzuh uuh sgr ctagpgr vty

dgztdy ptr thuc - tz zhhbg uugdi zgbgi vgfgr tubzgrg vadu, uutx nhr

egbgi bhay thhchd ptrayhhi/ tui stx ntfy btfbhay tuuge shhi eaht’

tcgr thl nhhi tz nhr strpi tzuhphk ht uuhxi’ btr mu yui tui btfdhhi uutx

sh ,urv vhhxy tubz yui aygbshd’ tui nhr strpi bhay tkgx ptrayhhi/

gbypgr #1/// )n/k/(

thl chi j,ubv dgvty ngr uuh srhh ntk tzuhphk’ tcgr stl egi thl bhay

vgri shhi mgr///! cgptr thl uugk shr gbypgri’ uuhk thl shr euso ztdi tz

thl uuhhx pui pgkgr uutx zgbgi stx tsurl’ tui vtcgi c"v vhhby ehbsgr’

uuhktbd gx thz st gpgx )TNUOC WOL(,dguugbkhl gbshdy zhl gx nhy t

ehbs/ dkhhc nhr gx thz khhsgr st txtl uutx uutkyi zhl dgri dgyuhay nhy

shr )tntk uugi ngi uuhhxy tz gx thz st grdgrwx thz gx t ayhek jhzue(/

tui kdch uutx su uuhhytdxy tuh; shhbg ,pku, tui ecku, yucu, uutx su

aphrxy tz gx dhhgi kthcus/// uuhk thl shr btfcrgbdgi t ztl uutx vrc

xphrt vty dgztdy vhh htr chh sh ac,ui’ btfdgztdy pui rch anaui phbeux

z"k: ngbyai uuhhxi )nhhbgi( tz ,phkv thz t nhyk’ ngi uuhk vtci ehbsgr

str; ngi n,pkk zhhi ufsuw/ gx thz tcgr bhay rhfyhd’ ,phkv thz sgr mhk’

npbh nv vhw tnu,hbu geurho/// npbh/// tzuh uuh su vtxy n,pkk dguugvi

vtxyu grphky shhi ,pehs’ stx vty sgr tuhcgraygr dguutky vgri pui

shr’ dgvtkpi uugri uugxyu th"v uugi sgr tuhcgaygr uugy uugki’ ceruc

th"v///

pui shhbg uugrygr zgvy ngi tz su yrtdxy dguutkshdg auks dgphki

fthku su chxy gpgx aukshd sgrhi uuhhk su vtxy zhl btfbhay dgbud gbhbho

ptrdgbungi/ tuusth’ hgsg ztl uutx su bgnxy zhl ptr ntfy t dguutkshdg

ruao thi vhnk’ tcgr sgr tuhcgraygr vty zhl zhhbg jacubu,/ tcrvo

tchbu thz dguugvi dgbud t uutuhkg ths tui sgr tuhcgraygr vty thvo

bhay dgdgci ehhi ehbsgr chz sh bhhbmhd )tphku btl mgi bxhubu,(! bgo bhay

ti tz stx bhay vtci ehhi ehbsgr thz uuh t ngxgsa tz sgr tuhcgraygr

thz bhay muprhsi pui shr’ ptregry sgr tuhcgraygr yrtxy shr nhywi

bxhui///

thl uutubya shr vmkjv tui nhr vtpi mu vgri cauru, yucu,/

gbypgr #2/// )x/p/g/(

gnl tbfh cmrv’ thl aphr nhy shhi mgr’ thl uuhhx uutx sh grayg

shtdbtz egi nhhbgi tui nhycrgbdi nhy zhl’ thl vtc zhl dgaphry sh zgkcg

tuhxdgaphky uugi thl chi dguutuhr dguutri nhhi nmc’ tcgr nhhi uuhhc vty

nhr tbdgmhhdy tz nhr zgbgi thi sgo nmc muztngi’ tui nhr egbgi tui uugki

stx thbthhbgo tsurfauuhmi/ stx zgkcg thz nhy shr’ thbthhbgo nhy shhi

uuhhc uugki gbe vtci sh fuju,/

nhr vtci tuhl dgvty aytreg vtppgbubdgi tuh; tubzgr grayg

prtmgsur )tuhl ISCI\FVI(,tui gx thz surfdgptki///! gx thz yteg dguugi

dtr auugr’ tcgr nhr vtci sgrbtl tpdgntfy mu yuhai surftuhx sh

auugrhehhyi tubzgr dgstbegi dtbd tui njacv’ vtpbshd ptr tubzgr haugv

uugi sgr curt guko uugy th"v uugki tui vtkyi tz gx thz sh rhfyhdg mhhy

dgvtkpi mu uugri’ tui bhay uugri tzuh ptrkuhri uugi tubzgrg aytreg

prtdg/// )t/g/y/(

t duyi’ gx thz hgmy sh grayg ntk uutx thl arhhc st tuhpwi ptruo/ nhhi uuhhc vty nhr dgztdy thl ztk tuhxanugxi nhhi buat st tuhpwi "ngbgr uuhbek"’

tui thl vt; murhemucteungi sgrpui - pubgo guko st - tchxk jhzue thi nhhi nmc/

thl vtc j,ubv dgvty gyuutx ngr uuh muuhh tui t vtkc htr’ nhhi nmc thz dtr t auugrg )FM(thl egi bhay ptrdgxi sh ytd uutx sgr steygr thz

trhhbdgeungi thi ayuc tui tubz ptrmhhky sh bhhgx - tubzgr auugrg nmc’ nhr zgbgi dguutri dtr mucrtfi sgrpui/// nhr vtci dgyrtfy tz gx thz )dguutky

gx ztk zhhi///( ckuhz t ygu,/// gx thz dguugi dtr auugr! chz nhr vtci gbskhl tbdgvuhci tubzgr prtmgsur)ISCI\FVI( nhr vtci dgvty tkg vtpgbubdgi tz gx

uugy zhl cgzvah", zhfgr duy tuhxtrcgyi’ nhr vtci dgyrtfy tui dgvtpy tz yrt. tubzgrg hgmyhdg auugrg ygd uugy btl eungi t ytd uutx nhr uugki

ptrdgxi tubzgrg mru,’ surl tubzgr haugv uutx uutry tubz tp ceruc th"v//

thl vtc dgyui dtr txtl - dgztdy ,vkho’ tui dgdtbdgi mu ecrh msheho’ tui dtr txtl duyg ecku, tui ,pku, tz tubzgr yrhyngbyx ztki vtci vmkjv//

tcgr vah", vty dgvty tbsgrg pkgbgr’ tui gx thz surfdgptki///!! thl egi bhay ptrdgxi’ uugi sgr steytr thz tubz dgeungi ztdi tubzgr auugrg

prtckgo/// tuhc thl vtc bhay dgaphry dgbud mucrtfi chz sti pui tubzgr nmc’ chi thl btl dguutri ngr ptrkuhri pui sh dtr auutfg atbxi uutx nhhi

prtckgo’ uuh thl chi hgmy dguutuhr dguutri’ crgbdy nhy zhl///

"vhhkhdg ctagpgr uuhphk thz sgr ahgur’ uuhphk str; thl egbgi tuhxvtkyi??? uutx btl dhh thl strpi tsurl dhhi chz uugi su uugxy nhr ahei sh haugv??

su zgxy stl ht uuh nhhi vtr. thz murhxi tui mucrtfi’ ytyg thl vtky ngr bhay tuhx! vgk; nhr auhi! vtc auhi rjnbu, tuh; shhi mucrtfi ehbs uutx uuhhby

tzuh phk mh shr///"

thl aphr zhl uuh tzt tuhxdgaphkygr//’ thl vtc dgyui tzuhphk ecku, yucu,’ tui dtrbhay vty dgvtkpi’ sgr nmc uugry btr grdgr/// uugi nhhi dtbmg

napjv tui tkg nhhbg jcrho yugi dtrbhay tui zhh vtci tzt duy kgci’ tui thl vtky thi thhi khhsi bhay uuhxbshd uutx tui uugi sgr xu; uugy zhhi/// "uuh thz

sgr ge pubgo yubbgk///?" )rgstemhg: zgv tryhek "uuhphk xduku, ztk thl yui?///" thi sgo tuhxdtcg cbudg sgo gbhi/(

thl aphr zhl thbdtbmi tuhxdgaphky uugi thl stuugi’ uutu dhhgi nhhbg ,phku,? uutu dhhgi nhhbg nmuu, tui duyg ecku,? "ytyg! vtc rjnbu,! zgv nhhi

mgr tui gbypgr nhhbg ,pku,//!

rgstemhg:kgmygbx thz dguutri tuhxdganugxy tuhpwi ptruo t dtr gbkhfg buat’ uutx sh ,hrumho sgruh; zgbgi tuhl dhkyhd tuh; tubzgr chz hgmyhdi anugx’ nnhkt crgbdgi nhr st trtp sgo anugx tuhl///

purho? jbufv prhhsy ngi zhl muo bx pubgo yrgpi sgo erhdk tuhk uutx

vty dgcrgby tfy ygd’ pxj prhhsy ngi zhl tuhpwi bx pui hmht, nmrho’

tui acugu, tuh; n,i ,urv’ uutx stx tkgx thz dguugi dtr xpgmhgkg

dgaggbhai’ tcgr uutx thz dguugi gpgx dtr xpgmhgk purho? tui gr

khhdy mu’ nxchr mu zhhi zhhi eaht’ tz nwegi bhay ztdi tz nhr prhhgi zhl

tuhpwi ptey uutx nhr zgbgi c"v bhay dguutri ptrkgbsgy jkhkv surl

vni vrag hna"u’ uuhhk stx bhay uugri ptrkgbsgy thz bhay ehhi

xpgmhgkg jhsua’ uuhctks tzuh thz fngy trhhbdgkhhdy thbgo ycg pui

vah", kdch fkk hartk’ uugi t ths thz n,pkk mu vah", tui yuy ,aucv

tz gr ztk uugri tpdgvhyi/ uuh nhr zggi chh bhbuv )t ayty pui "duho"(’ tz

zhh zgbgi tpdgauhby dguutri surl ,aucv tui ,phkv/ nnhkt’ fk afi fkk

hartk uugry zhfgr tpdgvhyi pui tkgo chhzi surl ,aucv u,phkv/ tui

stx thz bhay gpgx t xpgmhgkg tundguugbkhfg ztl’ stx thz pauy sh

btyurkhfg uugd uuh tzuh vah", dhhy zhl tuo tz - ",aucv ,phkv umsev

ngchrhi t, rug vdzhrv"///

tuhl egi bhay sgr ygo zhhi mukhc sgo uutx nhr vtci cteungi sh

ngdkhfehhy mu tuhxwvrdwbgi tubzgrg aubtho’ uuhhk nhr uuhhxi tkg tz

tjaurua vty dgyui tkgx uutx tx,r vty ptrktbdy zhhgbshd sh nkfv’

nnhkt’ uugi zh vty dgcgyi tz gr ztk dgci rau, ptr sh thsi tuhxmuwvrd-

wbgi sh phhby thz ptraygbskhl tz gr ztk nxfho zhhi sgruh;/ btfngr

zggi nhr thi sh dnrt tz tjaurua thz dguugi t nkl yhpa’ tui tuhc thhi

ytd ztdy gr ngi ztk vrdwbgi sh thsi tui sh tbsgrg ytd ztdy gr ptre-

gry’ thz stx t ptraygbskhfg ztl kdch tjaurua sgr ptrsrhhygr’

nnhkt thz stx bhay dguugi t xpgmhgkg bx ptr fkk hartk/ pxhftkt-

dha thz stx tkgx dguugi bhay ngr uuh btyurkhfg dgaggbhai/

thz tuhc tzuh’ kuhy sgo’ auugr mu ptrayhhi uutx thz ctn, sh xhcv

uutx nhr prhhgi zhl tuo purho?

btr sgo ,hru. yrgpi nhr thi sh grayg pre thi nxf, ndhkv’ uuh gx

uugry dgcrgbdy tz fkk hartk vty dgdgxi tui bvbv dguugi nxgus,u ak

tu,u rag uutx stx vty duro dguugi t dzhrv tuh; fkk hartk mu uugri

ptrkgbsgy jkhkv’ tui thi hgbg dtr grayg nhbuyi vty vah", nhy zhhi

tuhxygrkhag tvcv mu zhhbg ehbsgr’ fkk hartk’ auhi tuhxdgpktby zhhgr

gbydhkyhdg haugv’ btl cgptr gx vty cfkk tbdgvuhci truhxmueungi

sh dzhrv/

nhr zggi stx pui sh tkg tundguugbskhfg ztfi uutx gx vty zhl tb-

dgvuhci tpmuaphki pui hgbg nhbuy ti:

- nhr uuhhxi tz tjaurua vty dgntfy muuhh xgusu, - thhbx surftuhx

vubsgry tui tfmhd ygd tui sgrbtl t muuhhyg ptr zhci ygd/ btr tuh; sh

zhcgyg ytd pui sh muuhhyg xgusv thz tjaurua dguutri tbdgyrhbegi’

cnal 681 ygd thz gr bhay dguutri tbdgyrubegi/// "ht’ gx thz dguugi

sgr ctagpgr" uutx vty dgntfy gr ztk uugri tbdgyrubegi yteg thi

sgo kgmyi ytd///

- ua,h thz dguugi jumpvwshd mu tjaurua thi sgo zgkci ytd )tui bhay

ehhbntk cgptr(/ "gx thz dguugi vah"," uutx vty duro dguugi thr jumpv

mu tjaurua///

- tui nhr tkg uuhhxi tz tjaurua thz sti - thbgo tbdgyrubegbgo

nmc - nhyi ctpgk pui vrdwbgi ua,h’ ctdtbdgi t argekhfg tunsgrv-

gryg yty truhxdgcbshd ti tunptraygbskhfg guba uutx uutky dguug-

bkhl dguugi mu vtrc kdch sh gchrvwkg uutx zh vty dgyui///

sh tkg tundguugbkhfg ptxhrubdgi thz dgagvi btr fsh tz tx,r ztk

sgrdrhhfi tui tbeungi mu sgo yrti mu uutx zh thz tbdgeungi pui uugri

sh nkfv/ gx vty zhl tuhxdgpgky ptr sh haugv uutx vty apgygr

dgstrpy truhxeungi uugi vni thz dgayhdi mu zhhi tny/ vah", vty

trhhbdgahey sh kgzubd btl cgptr gx thz cfkk dguugi t prtckgo/

sgr j,o xupr euny stry mu’ tz bhay ehhi jhkue uuh akgfy fkk

hartk ztk btr zhhi’ tphku tzuh akgfy tz gx ztk zhl ctn, eungi t

dzhr, fkhw j"u///! vty tubz vah", btl tkx aygbshd khc’ vah", uugy

ehhbntk bhay tuhpvgri khgc mu vtci zhhbg ehbsgr cthzv nmc ahvhw/

tphku cag, sh tunrgfy pui fkk hartk - uugi sh thshag ehbsgr vtci

dgdgxi chho xgus, tjaurua tegdi nrsfh vmshewx dgarhhgi’ vty auhi

vah", dgyrtfy uuhtzuh gr uugy egbgi vgkpi tui rtyguugi zhhbg ehb-

sgr/

uugi thl vtc dgzgvi sgo j,"o xupr vtc thl dgyrtfy pui shhi au-

ugrg prtdg - t prtdg uutx gx vty kfturv ctn, bhay ehhi dgvgrhdg

ptxhdg gbypgr/ thl vtc thhbdgzgvi tz xhh uugi tui uuhtzuh str; ngi

tkgntk dgsgbegi tui ptrayhhi’ xpgmhgk thi auugrg nmcho’ sh ptkdg-

bsg muuhh ztfi///

1( uugri dgvtkpi tui truhxdgrtyguugy pui t auugrg nmc’ thz bhay

ehhi bx tuhc gx thz dgeungi surfwi stuugbgi mu vah", tui ,aucv ytvi’

uuhhk stx thz sh fj pui ,aucv u,phkv/

2( bhay ehhi jhkue uuh auugr tubzgr nmc thz’ strpi nhr thhchd thh-

bzgvi tui uuhxi tz vah", vty ctn, khgc hgsg ths chz dtr’ tui uuh

akgfy t ths ztk btr zhhi’ uugy gr tubz thhchd stl khc vtci nhy t

aytreg tvcv! vah", egi tubz yteg tntk trhhbkhhdi tui t dguuhxg

auugrg nmc’ tcgr gr vty auhi pui prhgr tuhxdgyrtfy tubzgr rputv’

btl cgptr nhr vtci cfkk dguutuxy pubgo prtckgo/

ztk vah", gbypgri tkg shhbg ,pku, tui shr crgbdi cauru, yucu,/

t/r/

gbypgr #4/// )r/t/(

thl vtc vbtv pui uutx j/h/ tui d/k/ vtci dgarhci/

sh dnrt ztdy )crfu, v/( farutv tso hxurho ctho gkhu hpapa cn-

gahu - uugi t ngbya vty hxurho ztk gr btfeuei zhhbg ngaho/ kuhy uuh

thl ptrayhh’ thz tkx sh gmv mu yui ,aucv’ tui ftya tphku tuhc su

uugxy ehhbntk bhay uuhxi uugkfg gchrv’ tsgr tuhc gx thz cfkk ti

gchrv uutx vty duro dguugi sh mrv’ nhy sgo tkgo thz sh ,aucv tkx

fsth tui ptxhd/

ju. pui sgo’ thz crujbhu, zhfgr bhay dgzuby zhl trunmusrhhgi nhy

njacu, tz sgr ctagpgr ayrtpy shr hgmy’ uuhhk uuh su ptrayhhxy’

tz tzuh uuh sh btbyxyg ngbyai uuh knak nti tui uuhhc uutx kgci aygbshd

dtr duy’ thz tphku zhh uugki tntk zhhi dtr dgrgdy thhbgr tuhpwi muuhhyi

tuh; t dguuhxg ztl uugki zhh ehhbntk bhay tpargei sgo muuhhyi nhywi

trdxyi uuh zhl muyhhki r"k’ thz sh zgkcg tuhl chh sh btbyatpy pui vec"v

mu tubz tui sh zgkcg murhe/

nhy vmkjv/

gbypgr #5/// )m/k/(

ngi str; dgsgbegi tz sh tcu, vesuaho tui sh tnvu, vtci tuhl

dgvty sgo zgkci prtckgo’ tui thl uuhhx bhay muztdi pui xhh uugkfg

pay tz stx ztk zhh jkhkv eungi tkx t ayrt; tuh; gpgx’ tui uuh tuhl

thz gx bhay trhhbdgrgfby thi sh mgi bxhubu, pui tcrvo tchbu’ tui uuh

nhr uuhhxi’ uuh ra"h ztdy tuhpwi pkt. tz hmje tchbuwx ,phkv thz stx

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gbypgr #1/// )j/h/(

thl vtky drtsg bhay tz sh nmc thz jkhkv ti guba’ uuhhk stx thz t

x,hrv tui euny tuhx thi egdbzt. mu sh grayg nmuv thi sh ,urv uutx

hgsg ths thz ctpuhki dguutri - "pru urcu"// sgr ctagpgrwx rmui thz tz

hgsg ths ztk vtci ehbsgr’ tui stx vty gr tubz ctpuhki/ thl vtky tz

gx thz gbsgra t bxhui tuhxmuprutuui tui ctaygyhdi tubzgr tnubv

ucyjui thi vah",/ thhbgr vty nhr tntk dgztdy tz stx thz ti tupi

uuhtzuh vah", ztdy tubz tz gr ptrktbdy pui tubz gpgr ngr uuh t muuhhyi/

gbypgr #2/// )n/x/(

nhy sgo uutx su prgdxy - "tui tuhc bhay’ tpar ztk thl pauy tb-

bgngi sh guba nhy khcatpy tui prhhs///" uuh uuhhy thl uuhhx tui ptrayhh

thz bhay st tzt ztl cthzv nmc ahvhw tbmubgngi ti guba tui dtrbhay

yui kngav sgrmu’ tui thhbg pui sh drgxyg ngaho uutx thz ahhl muyui

sgrmu thz ptrayhhy zhl ,phkv/

gbypgr #3/// )t/r/(

yhhgrg k/n/

thl vtc pubey bgfyi btfy dgzgvi t j,o xupr uutx thl vtc

dgvtkyi tz gx thz zhhgr ptxhd mu shhi prtdg’ thl uutky shr dgrtyi gx

tkhhi btfmueuegi/ gx thz thi zhhi xpr gk v,urv ),ur, nav(’ sh grayg

ayhek tuh; purho/ thl uugk trtpcrgbdi sgo ayhek kuhy uuh thl vtc

gx truhxdgbungi’ ngr uuhhbhdgr sgo ,ufi uutx xwayhhy stry/

sgr j,o xupr prgdy ptruutx nhr prhhgi zhl tui ntfi t huo yuc

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jhzue

א נסיוןאדער אן עונש...?

c/ xupr

ptmhrbshd tzuh truo thi "sh ngbgr uuhbek" chh sh ptruowx’ vtc thl zhl ctdgdby nhy t shxeuxhg pui sh ptrdtbdgbvhhy uutx thl aphr tz gxfsth tvgrmucrgbdi’ nvbv mu zhhi sh jaucwg khhbgr uutx uugki cgzvah", vtpgbykhl truhxbgngi sgrpui t ,ugk, hgsgr thi zhhi nmc/// sh

buat thz ctn, t vhhegkg’ tui thz tubz tkg zhfgr ctetby mukhc sgo uutx gx thz ti gbhi uutx kuhpy tubz fxsr tsurl thi sh njacv tui gx yuy aygbshdnuyagbgi sgo dgstbe/ tcgr nhr ayupi gx fxsr tp bhay uugkbshd yrtfyi sgrpui mukhc sh tunektrehhy thi sgo gbhi// tui stx thz ctn, budg chh hgsgbxhui cfkk tcgr chh thbpgryhkhyh cpry// tui mukhc thr uuhfyhdehhy tui tn, thz fsth stx tntk muztnmubgngi/ uutky tkzuh dguugi t ,ugk, ptri mhcurnhymuyhhki sh atku, tui gbypgrx uutx egbgi tuhxektri sgo gbhi nhy t rhfyhdi ckhe/

prtdg/// )k/n/(

thl vtc t atkv cbudg sh nmc thi uutx nhr dgpubgi zhl/ thz gbe tntk tuhpdgeungi thi dgstbe sh prtdg’ tuhc sh auugrhehhy nhy uutx nhr

nuyagbgi zhl’ thz t bxhui’ tsgr dtr t dzr shi tui ti guba? thl dkhhc tz gx ntfy tuhx t ayhek jhkue muuhai sh muuhh/

bxhui - tuhc sh nmc uutx nhr dhhgi hgmy tsurl thz t bxhui’ sti uuhhx thl tz thl str; ngr stuugbgi sgruh; tui nrcv zhhi tui ayhhdi thi thshaehhy

tui thi ngaho yucho’ chz thl uugk zufv zhhi dgvtkpi mu uugri/

tcgr tuhc gx thz///!

ti guba - sti tpar thz bhay ahhl mu yui gpgx sgrptr’ egi zhhi thl chi jhhc tuh; gpgx ti guba fr, jkhkv )uutx egi tuhl nhhbgi mu ckhhci

ehbsgrktz j"u(? thz st btl ti guba uutx vty t ahhfu, nhy bhay vtci ehbsgr? uutx sti’ uugy btl vgkpi ,phkv sgruh;//?? tsgr egi zhhi tz sh

tuhpyuv pui ,phkv thz tz gx yuhay sh ngbya’ nnhkt egi zhhi tz yteg sh grayg ngbya - cgptr ,phkv’ thz jhhc dguugi t vtrci guba tcgr sh

hgmyhdg ngbya mu uutx thl vtc zhl dgyuhay nhywi fj v,phkv’ thz ngdkhl auhi bhay jhhc///? thz gx sh ngdkhfg xhcv sgrmu? tui tuhc bhay’ tpar

ztk thl pauy tbbgngi sgo guba nhy khcatpy tui prhhs///?? thl uutky ctaytbgi mu uuhxi tuhc thhbgr egi nhr vgkpi nhy t ptxhdi gbypgr///

ש

sh bru, jbufv ngi yuy auhi drhhyi

chh sh khfygkgl ngi zhmy thi prhhsi

sh khfygkgl zhh sgrmhhki pui auugrg mhhyi

sh khfygkgl zhh sgrntbgi pui chygrg khhsi

sh khfygkgl ykhgi nhy t pube’ t ayrtk

gx ahhby trhhi vtpgbubd thcgrtk

gx cktzy trhhi jhu, tui kgci

t ths ztk zhhi vtpgbubd ehhbntk tuhpdgci

ptr thsi dguugi phbxygr tui chygr

dgkgcy thi pjs tui mhygr

tbyktpi pubgo aubt uuh thnngr

zhl ctvtkyi thi egkgri tui drhcgr

nhy t dhhxy pui cyjui tui tnubv

vtci zhl sh janubtho dgaytrey nhy dcurv

tbdguutrpi tuh; sh ragho t pjs tui hrtv

sh thsi zgbgi dgvtkpi dguutri nhy t haugv

sh khfygkgl ykhgi nhy t pube’ t ayrtk

gx ahhby trhhi vtpgbubd thcgrtk

gx cktzy trhhi jhu, tui kgci

t ths ztk zhhi vtpgbubd ehhbntk tuhpdgci

vhhby tuhl tzuhuuh tntk

sgr thhchaygr vgkpy zhhi ptke hartk

gr srhhy thcgr sh ycg’ sgr fk hfuk

gr ntfy ptr zhhbg ehbsgr ztk zhhi duy tui uutuhk

nhr strpi zhl tcgr kgrbgi pui sh nfcho

bhay ehhi jhkue uuh yubek gx thz sgr nmc truo

zhl aytrei tui dkhhci pgxy sgrhi

tz sgr thhcgaygr egi tui uugy duyx yui

sh khfygkgl ykhgi nhy t pube’ t ayrtk

gx ahhby trhhi vtpgbubd thcgrtk

gx cktzy trhhi jhu, tui kgci

t ths ztk zhhi vtpgbubd ehhbntk tuhpdgci

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cx"s

חנוכהא שטראל פון האפענונג

jhzue

ptrdgatmy t auugrgri napy’ tui ptrwi gkyxyi vty ngi fngy

dgvuhci vgby tui ahgur tuhpdgdgci’ ptrtuhxzggbshd dtr t yubegki

g,hs tui dtr t auugri dgrhfy/ kngav thz ngi ptrvgkygbngxhd

cxhhg,t sanht btl tkx tpdgeungi gyuutx drhbdgr uuh gx thz ptrk-

tbdy dguutri ptr zhh/ gx thz t pjs mu yrtfyi sh auugrg nmc uugi gx

uutky zhh jkhkv dgkubdgi truhxmucteungi sgo pxe pui pupmi htr uutx

zhh vtci ptrktbdy’ uutx stx uutky dgnhhby

r"k mu ptrkhri sh agbxyg htri pui zhhgr kgci/

kngav btl sh napy pui sh muuhh hubdgrg’ vty

ngi nhy tbdxy zhl dgdrhhy tuh; sh auugrxyg

napy ptr sgo kgmyi uutx thz sh gkyxyg/

ptraygbskhl tz fkk hartk vty btl bhay

tuhpdgdgci uugdi sh auutfg atbxi’ btr tsrcv

ngi vty nuxh; dguugi thhbmurhhxi kyuc, sh

vmkjv pubgo cjur/ ngi vty nrcv dguugi nhy

,pkv u,jbubho tui zhl ptrktzy tuh; vah",’

uutx zhhi rjnbu, thz ti ehhi xu; zhhgbshd zhfgr

tz gr uugy ahei ti gbydhkyhdg haugv tho

truhxmubgngi ntphkv ktur dsuk/ tui ty stx

uutubsgr vty sti ptxhry’ yteg suet chh sgo

napy vty sgr aupy truhxdgdgci t dgbmkhfg

ctprhhtubd egdi tkg gruutryubdgi’ ti zhl tphku

gpgx rgfgbgi nhy sh prhgrshdg muuhh napyho/

nna ti tpgbgo bx fpauyu//! ti ehhi auo ptraygbskhfg vxcr/

uugi ngi yrtfy tcgr trhhi thi sh uutubsgrkhfg ptxhrubd uugki nhr

zgvi tz yteg ty stx uutx nhr vtci tbvhhc dganugxy vty st

ptxhry/ uuhhk uugi t ngbya yrtfy tz gr thz btl chfuk, gpgx tuhp-

muyui nhy sh thhdgbg fuju, tui ngi ptrktzy zhl tuh; ngbyakhfg

fuju,’ sgntkx egi tntk ptrnhbgry uugri tchxk pui sh aytreg

tnubv thi vah",’ tui sgo ctagpgrwx vapgv egi eungi nhy t ayhek

jxrui/ nnhkt’ chh sh muuhh hubdgrg cjurho uutx ngi vty dgvtkyi tz

gx uugy eungi tchxk t drhbdgrg pxe’ vty ngi zhl gyuutx tuhl ptrk-

tzy tuhpwi aupy tui gx thz bhay truhxdgeungi thdtbmi uuh ngi vty

dgvtpy/

chh sh gkyxyg cjur tcgr’ uuh sgr nmc vty tuhxdgzgi vhkpktz

tui ngi vty dgaphry tz ngi dgphby zhl nna tuh;

t ptrntfyi uugd’ thz yteg sti sh auugrhehhy

dguugi stx uutx vty dgvtkpi mu sgrdrhhfi sh

khfyhdg haugv/ nhy sgo uutx ngi vty tuh-

pdgdgci tkg ngbyakhfg vtpgbubdgi’ tui zhl btr

truhpdguutrpi tuhpwi ctagpgr’ zhl ptrktzshd thb-

dtbmi btr tuh; tho’ vty gr yteg dgvtkpi nhy

t dtbmg haugv/

stx thz tubzgr khnus’ tz uugi gx uugry ektr

tz gx thz bhayt uugr gx ztk vgkpi tuhxgr sgr

"tsui guko"’ sgr fk hfuk’ tubzgr ytyg thi vhnk’

tui ngi khhdy zhl duy trhhi thi vtr. nhy t dgu-

utkshdg ektrehhy tui zhfgrehhy tz "thi gus

nkcsu"//’ thz bhayt uugr gx uugy tho vgkpi

tuhxgr vah",/ tui gx uugki zhl yteg sti gpgbgi

ptr tho sh agrh jxs’ agrh rjnho tui agrh

haugv pubgo curt h,crl uutx zhhbg ngaho zgbgi

ti ti ge tui ti ti tpvtky’ tui gx uugy bapg

uugri nhsu vrjcv uvnktv tkgx uutx ngi yuy zhl btr uutubyagi cru-

jbhu, ucdanhu,///!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------thcgrdgzgmy tui truhxdgbungi pubgo jusawkhfi dkhui "np,j ak cbho" nhywi

rau, pubgo truhxdgcgr u,auj"j kvo

mu cteungi jusawkhl tuh; thnghk sgo vgrkhfi dkhui "np,j ak cbho" ahey ti

thnghk mum48485252@gmail.com

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ptraygbskhl tzfkk hartk vty btl

bhay tuhpdgdgciuugdi sh auutfg

atbxi’ btr tsrcvngi vty nuxh; dgu-

ugi thhbmurhhxikyuc, sh vmkjv

pubgo cjur

sh ptrngdi uutx gr ptrntdy’ tui ptruutx yteg dhy gr tho bhay sh

dtbmg xfuo?

btr uutx sgi - phry tuhx vrc chsgrnti akhy"t - stx thz uuhhk

sgr guar yrtfy chh zhl yh; thi vtr.’ tz gr thz stl bhay sgr

thhbmhdxygr uutx egi tui str; vgkpi sgo ths’ gx zgbgi stl st btl

phk tbsgrg uutx zgbgi tuhl dgcgbyay dguutri nhy t ptrngdi’ nnhkt

uugi hgsgr uugy zhl uutrho tbrupgi nhy t ahhbgo jke’ sti uugy zhl

drhbdgrvhhy muztnaygki sh ptrktbdyg xfuo/

tuhc tcgr gx ztk zhl tntk ntfi t ptk uugi sh muuhh tuhcbsgrnt-

byg thsi - sgr mucrtfgbgr ytyg tui sgr druhxgr guar - ztki zhhi

muztngi’ btr zhh tkhhi tuh; thhi pkt.’ tui knak’ sgr guar uugy zgvi

uuh ruhcgr ctptki sgo trhnti’ tui gr uuhhxy tz gr egi tho rtyguugi

surfwi dgci t rhzi xfuo tuhxkhhz dgky’ uugy gr

zhfgr bhay yrtfyi t rdg tui gr uugy ctks

tvhbdgci sgo dtbmi xfuo uutx ngi uugy ptrk-

tbdgi’ uuhxbshd tz ti zhhi dgky uugy jkhkv

ptrabhyi uugri stx tunaukshd kgci pui sgo

trhnti’ uuhhk gr thz stl zhfgr chh zhl tz uugi

bhay gr ztk tho abgk tuhxkhhzi’ thz stl bhayt

st btl thhbgr uutx ztk tho egbgi vgkpi’ tui

gx thz bhayt btl thhbgr tuh; uugo sgr trhnti

ztk egbgi truhxeuegi tho mu vgkpi’ uuhhk zhh

zgbgi stl st tkhhbx’ btr zhh muuhh/

"stx thz tuhl sgr uugd pui vec"v" - phry

tuhx sgr naphg rch tkhnkl akhy"t nhy t zh-

drhhfi yti’ - tui stx thz dgckhci thhbdgerhmy

thi nhhi vtr. tui uuh tuhl thi sh vgrmgr pui sh

mgbskhdg uutx zgbgi sti stry dguugi’ - nhr ay-

hhgi ptr vah", nhy t ,phkv’ tui thi tubzgrg

njacu, yugi nhr yteg tuhxektri tui tuhx-

atrpi tubzgr aytreg tui pgxyg tnubv tz

vec"v thz t fk hfuk’ gr dhy kgci’ gr dhy prbxv’

tui thi zhhbg vgby khdy sgr fj kvjhu, bpa fk

jh// tcgr tuhc yuy zhl tuhl trhhbdbcwgbgi thi

tubzgr njacv dguuhxg rghubu, pui ptrahsgbg

thhdgbg pguku,’ tz vec"v thz btr t jke pui sh uutx egbgi tho vgkpi’

thz yteg dgrgfy tz nhr uugki zhfgr egbgi cteungi pui vah", t ah-

hbgo b,hbv ptr tubzgrg ceau,’ gf"p tzuh uuh gx uutky dgptxy ptrwi

guar mu dgci’ tcgr stl bhay tkgx! uuhhk nhr vtci stl btl ngbyai

mu uugo mu dhhi’ tui vah", ztdy tubz: "dhhy mu sh tkg ngbyai tui

pruchry gbegr nzk uuhphk gbe egbgi chh zhh tuhl cteungi///"’ tcgr

ytngr nhr aphri zhl uuh thi t khhshdi nscr’ bhay vtcbshd mu uugo zhl

mu uugbsi’ btr mu sgo thhbgo guar uutx nhr zggi tui sgregbgi tz

btr gr egi tubz vgkpi’ tui nhy sgo stzhdi njacv uugbsi nhr zhl mu

vec"v’ thz sti zhfgr tz tubzgrg ,phku, uugki dggbypgry uugri

cakhnu,’ uuhhk sgr ctagpgr thz stl sgr cgk vrjnho tui tuhc uugi

nwuugbsy zhl mu t car uso tuh; tzt tupi vty gr t dtbmg rjnbu,’

thz stl t ek ujunr tz vec"v uutx gr thz sgr cgk vrjnho uugy zhl

tuhpphri nhy zhhi ns, vrjnbu, tui tubz ahei t akhnu,wshdg haugv/

sh fuubv pui sh uugrygr thz tcgr bhay’ thhbmuzgmi tsgr njkhy zhhi

bhay guxe mu zhhi thi ehhbg va,sku,’ xhh cgbhbh prbxv’ tui xhh cgbhbh

rputv’ btr sh fuubv thz pauy trhhbmucrgbdgi thi tubzgrg vgrmgr

bhay jkhkv zhl mu ptrktzi tuh; sh thhdgbg ngaho aphrbshd tz stx

zgbgi sh pguku, uutx yugi tuh;/ sh tkg phzhag va,sku, zgbgi btr

uuhhk sgr curt guko vty tzuh ctatpi sh uugky tuh; tzt tupi tz ngi

str; zhl ctagpyhdi tui zhl phri tuh; sh tupi uutx khdy thbgo ycg

tui zhl bhay ptrktzi tuh; bhxho’ tcgr ngi str; thhchd dgsgbegi uugr

gx phry tui srhhy ti sh tkg ycghu,wshdg dgaggbhai’ uugr ntfy tp

uuh tzuh tkgx ztk ptxhri’ uuhhk muo xu; uugy nnhkt b,dkv uugri tz sh

dtbmg ycg thz tuhl bhay ngr uuh t ayhe bx//! tui btfngr’ tz sh ycg

thz btl sh drgxyg bx uutx yuy zhl tpaphki tuh; sh dtbmg crhtv’ tui

sti tz nhr uugki zhl stx duy thhbwjzrwi thi zhl’ thz zhfgr tz sh ,phkv

uugy vtci dtb. ti tbsgrg pbho tui gx uugy ngr

tuhpyui tui b,eck uugri’ uuhhk nhr uugki zhl thb-

dtbmi ptrktzi tuh; tho aphrbshd tz gr thz sh

thhbmhdxyg guar uutx egi tubz vgkpi/

tzuh trhhbyrtfygbshd thi sh dguutkshdg uu-

grygr uutx thz nhr btruutx trhhi thi nj tui thi

vtr.’ vtci nhhbg njacu, tbdgvuhci trhhbmuek-

gri tui trunauugci truo sgo yhhgri dgstbe’ tui

thl vtc zhl tbdgvuhci n,cubi mu zhhi thi ptrahs-

gbg nmcho cahhfu, nhy sgo gbhi’ tui sti thz nhr

tuhpdgaprhbdgi thi dgstbe t dgaggbha uutx

vty zhl kgmybx tpdgaphky’ tui thz cnal sh

kgmyg srhh htr dguugi npurxo chho vhhnhai mhcur

thi tr. hartk tui uuh tuhl thi sh dtbmg uugky’

tui uugi nhr uugki zhl n,cubi zhhi ktjr vngav’

uugy b,dkv uugri t dguutkshdg dgstbe uutx

kgrby tubz sh zgkcg uutx nhr vtci chz hgmy

dganugxy/

thi sh kgmyg srhh htr thz fkk hartk dguugi

ctztrdy tuh; sh nmc tui rtkg pui sh srhh txhrh

htpti uutx zgbgi dgzgxi tunaukshdgrvhhy thi sh

uuhhyg htpti tuhpwi jyt pui trhhbanudkgi

tunkgdtkg xjurv’ tui uuh nhr uuhhxi tkg zgbgi zhh

bgcgl dguugi tunaukshdg ercbu, mu sh dgkydhhmhehhy pui dguuhxg

tunptrtbyptrykhfg ptrauhbgi/ ptrayhhy zhl tz tuhpwi kgdtki

prtby vty ngi tbdguutbsi tkg nhykgi tuhpmuuuhhzi zhhgr tunuuhxbvhhy

tui tunauks’ stl vty ngi tcgr zhl zhhgr dgnuyagy tui zhh zgbgi

bgcgl tpdgzhmi ktbdg jsaho tui htri’ uugi nwpruchry tkg nhykgi zhh

mu ctprhhgi tui thi sh zgkcg mhhy vty fkk hartk thi sh dtbmg uugky

thhbdgrhxi nhy ,pku, uceau, kyuc,o/

trhhbyrtfygbshd thi sh pryhu, vscrho vty zhl tcgr

truhxdgaygky t dtr thbygrgxtbyg nmhtu,/ gx thz dguugi stry

srhh ctzubsgrg nmcho’ uuhhk kuhy zhhgr gkygr vty ngi ptrtuhxdgzgi

srhh ctzubsgrg atbxi/ ptr sh hubdxyg pui sh srhh vty ngi

ptrdgatmy sh drhbdxyg napy zhhgbshd sh uuhhbhdxyg ptrtbyptrykhl

thi sh guukv uutx zhh vtci dgytvi’ ptr sh nhygkxyg vty ngi

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trhhbyrtfygbshdthi sh pryhu, vscrho

vty zhl tcgrtruhxdgaygky tdtr thbygrgxtbyg

nmhtu,/ gx thzdguugi stry srhhctzubsgrg nmcho’

uuhhk kuhy zhhgrgkygr vty ngiptrtuhxdgzgi srhhctzubsgrg atbxi/

jhzue

hi thhbg pui sh juk vnugs ygd ptrbtfyx thz nhr

tuhxdgeungi mu tsurl aptmhri t ch, nsra thi

cbh cre cg, gx thz stry dgvgry dguutri sh pktnphhgrshdg

srav pubgo ctetbyi naphg thi tr. hartk vdv"m rch

tkhnkl chsgrnti akhy"t’ ti trhhbyrtfyi chi thl stry

ptrvtkyi dguutri zhl muvgrbshd tchxk mu zhhbg yhhgrg uu-

grygr’ tui tzuh chi thl auhi stry ptrckhci chzwi xu; anugx/

thhbg pui sh ztfi pui sh phkg rghubu, uutx vty dgftpy nhhi

vtr.’ thz dguugi sgr rghui pui sh gbhi tnubv u,phkv’ uuh tzuh

sh nvkl str; zhhi chho zhl uugbsi mu vah", nhy xhh uugkfg

pgrzgbkhfg ceav/ mukhc sh yhhgrehhy pui sh uugrygr vtc

thl dgekgry gx nhymuyhhki nhy sh jaucwg khhbgr’ nhy t

vuxpv uutx thl vtc dgekgry tkx t ptxhdg rghui nuxh; mu

zhhi sgrmu/

tui tzuh vty gr tbdgvuhci sgo gbhi nhy t ruyhbg atkv:

ktnhr zhl trhhbkhhdi thi sh nuj pui t dtr druhxi guar’ nna

rhhl uuh erj’ cg, gx ayhhy ptr tho t mucrtfgbg tui dtr

tbdguuhhytdyg ths’ tui gr dhxy zhl tuhx zhhi auugr pgek ptr

tho’ gr str; muztnaygki t rhzi xfuo ptr vumtu, rputv

ptr zhhi ctkhcyi zui uutx thz tho dgcuhri dguutri btl 01

ktbdg uutrygbsg htri’ tui hgmy thz stx ehbs nna thi t nmc

pui t xfb, jhho’ stx uutx pgky zhl tuhx mu tpmurtyguugi

zhhi zui yrgpy sgo rhzi xfuo pui "vubsgry yuhzgby stkkgr"///

sgr druhxgr guar uugry dtr thcgrdgbungi pui sh auugrg

nmc’ tui ptrktzy tphku t yrgr cag, sh mucrtfgbg ytyg

khhdy trtp sh auugrg nmc’ tui muo xu; bgny gr yteg truhx

t ahhbgo bscv pui "yuhzgby stkkgr"//! tui tuhc ktnhr ztdi

sh ytyg thz btl ngr nmkhj tbmutuutrgngi tui thcgrbgngi

stx vtr. pubgo guar’ uugy gr btl nuxh; zhhi mu dtr t ahh-

bgo b,hbv pui ftya "phb; yuhzgby stkkgr"//! tcgr stx thz

ctn, tuhl bhay ngr uuh phb; prtmgby pubgo druhxi xfuo

uutx gx pgky zhl tuhx tui khdy tuh; sh pkhhmg pubgo trhngi

ytyi/

hgmy’ ktnhr zhl t nhbuy tpaygki tui trhhbyrtfyi sgo

jacui pui sgo druhxi guar/ ptruutx yteg bgny gr bhay

tuh; zhl sh dtbmg vumtv? thsi zgbgi stl rjnbho cbh rjnbho’

tui stx thz zhfgr tz kuhy sgo guarwx crhhyi ptrngdi uutky

zhl chh tho dtrbhay dgaphry tphku gr ztk truhxbgngi sh

dtbmg xfuo uutx pgky zhl tuhx/// tui ftya nwrgsy yteg

bhay pui t ekhhbgo xfuo’ thz stx stl btl tkx dtrbhay egdi

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אויף וועם טועןמיר זיך פארלאזן...?

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