Seven Steps to Start the Healing Process of a Broken Marriage

7/28/2019 Seven Steps to Start the Healing Process of a Broken Marriage

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I thought then that I could not live this way any longer, and that I must try to find

a way to heal my marriage. I began to study what the scriptures say about women and

marriage, and began to pray that the Lord would teach me how to love my husband

again, and that my husband would love me again also. Through the scriptures I came to

many conclusions that I still hold today.

SEVEN CRUCIAL STEPS FOR WOMEN

#1. I learned that the only way that marriage is going to be good and according to

God's design, is by obeying God's Word. We cannot love God, serve Him, nor obey Himwithout obeying what He has written down as instructions for us. I knew I could not

control my husband, and the only one that I could change was myself. I sought help in

God's Word and it became my final authority for healing my marriage. Not what others

say, but "what saith the Lord?"

#2. The scriptures told me that I needed to be taught to love my husband. In other

words, as the difficulties of marriage and life itself press in, love does not come

naturally. It needs to be taught. It is not a feeling, but something you choose to do

and act upon, whether you feel like it or not.

It was evident to me that I did not know how to love my husband, and if love is

something that needs to be taught, then it must have to do with something that I was

not doing, and that I needed to be taught how. I looked around me and could find noone who qualified for this job of teaching me. Therefore I went to the Lord and told

Him that He would have to be my teacher. And He did not fail me in this!

Titus 2:3-4

3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false

accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;

4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love

their children...

#3. I learned that I was to be in submission to my husband IN EVERY THING!

Ephesians 5:22-24

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church:

and he is the saviour of the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own

husbands in every thing.

This was new to me. Heretofore I had not really put this instruction into practice. I

saw that this is a command, and must be followed if a wife is to do the Lord's will.

Ignoring this one instruction, in itself, had caused many of our conflicts, and

probably caused much of my husband's unhappiness. I realized I was always trying to

change him and to "teach" him. Basically I thought I was better than he was. This in

itself was enough to tear any man down. This sin tears away at one of a man's basic

needs that God has instilled within him, to be the head of his home and to be

respected and appreciated.

I Corinthians 11:3

3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of

the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Only when I began to see my rebellion against the Word of God and to its instructions

to me specifically, did I see how sinful I was, and therefore no longer thought that

I was better than my husband.


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#4. Me first! No matter how bad my marriage was, I saw that I was to be the one to

FIRST start doing the things the Lord instructs me to do. I came to this conclusion

because most of the passages about marriage speak to the woman first.

Ephesians 5:22-25:

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church:

and he is the saviour of the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own

husbands in every thing.25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself

for it;

Verse 22 speaks to wives first. Three verses later, in verse 25, the Lord begins to

speak to husbands. So it is in Colossians.

Now, because I was convinced the Lord makes no mistakes, and that a woman's head is

the man, this fact was peculiar to me. Why didn't God give instructions to the

husbands first? That, it seems, would have been the proper order. Why didn't the Lord

give instructions to my husband first and tell him to love me and give himself for

me, FIRST? I would then have no trouble following my own instructions, I thought!

The Lord had to have had a purpose in writing the scriptures this way, after all theyare inspired of God, and our King James Bible is perfect. I began to see it was the

woman's job to do her part whether her husband did his or not, and to be the one to

act upon it first. This was also proven by many other passages, such as first Peter

3.

1 Peter 3:1

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the

word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

The Lord doesn't address husbands until verse seven of this passage:

1 Peter 3:7

7 Likewise, ye husbands...

#5. I also found I must reverence my husband! What a difficult concept this was for

me at the time.

Through my studies, the Lord was convicting me of the significance of the woman's

instruction in the last verse of Ephesians 5. The verse says:

"...and the wife see that she reverence her husband."

The wording of the verse makes it clear that this is a command, not a suggestion. The

resentment and the anger in my heart about how my husband so often treated me, as

well as about other things, kept me from "reverencing" him, and even from loving him.At least that was what I thought. When I began to see that this was a command from

God himself, and that we are to obey this verse no matter what our circumstances, how

could I any longer not obey this verse? I had asked God to heal my marriage,

therefore I knew I had to obey Him if He was to answer my prayer.

How do you reverence someone whom you do not feel that way about? How could I do this

personally? First, I realized I had to learn to change my thought patterns. I chose

to become a "yes" person rather than so negative about everything my husband said and

did. To do so would show respect and honor for what he said or suggested. I started

saying, "Yes, let's!" about the things he said.


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I also literally chose to put all thoughts about what I did not like about my husband

out of my head. I refused to think negative thoughts. This is scriptural according to

many passages. One in particular, convicted me:

Philippians 4:8

8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest,

whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely,

whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any

praise, think on these things.

I started making lists of my husbband's good qualities and of things I could praise

him for. At first I could not think of any! But as I tried harder, I did begin to

list things I had not considered before. Slowly the things came to my mind, as I

chose to think only good things of my husband. I found this to be a choice of the

will and a great discipline in godliness.

I also chose to begin to express these positive things. I purposely decided to start

complimenting my husband on at least one thing from my list, every day, when he came

home from work. At first the things I wanted to say hung in my throat and I nearly

choked trying to say them. Slowly, however, it became easier to express them. It was

through these spoken words that I began to see a metamorphosis before my very eyes.

My husband slowly began to respond and soon was beaming when I would compliment him

or tell him how much I appreciated something. He soon became more loving, sometimesalmost instantly after a compliment. He soon began to look forward to coming home. I

realized my husband was starving for appreciation and compliments! This starvation

was my fault! "I am his only wife. I am the only one who can give him the affirmation

he so desperately needs", I thought. Oh what a sinner I then saw myself to be! Me,

the one who was so smug in my own righteousness! Who was I to judge my husband?!

#6. I also learned from the scriptures that a woman's job is to sacrifice her life

for those around her and especially for her husband. Many scriptures support this. I

Cor. 11:9, Rom. 12:1-2 and I Peter 2 and 3 are just a few.

Consider this whole passage, ending with chapter 3, verse 1:

1 Peter 2:18-3:218 Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and

gentle, but also to the froward.

19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief,

suffering wrongfully.

20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it

patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is

acceptable with God.

21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us

an example, that ye should follow his steps...

Chapter 3:

1 Likewise, ye wives...

In the above passage, the "likewise" refers back to the passage before, about being aservant, Christ himself being the example.

A woman's life is a sacrificial one, becoming a servant, laying aside her own

desires, wants, and even needs sometimes, because,

"Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man." (1

Corinthians 11:9)

Consider also Romans 12:1

"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your


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bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable

service."

In Proverbs 31, the virtuous woman continually gives of herself for those around her.

Proverbs 31:10-12

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need

of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

It would do any woman well to read the rest of the chapter. Most of it has to do with

giving of oneself to others.

#7. Another truth from the scriptures that I was convicted of, was that when we

married, we had made a commitment, before God, "till death do us part"! Divorce was

not an option for me and my husband. Further study has proven to me that no reason

for divorce is given, in the dispensation of grace, for two saved people.

1 Corinthians 7:10-11

10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart

from her husband:

11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband:

and let not the husband put away his wife.

CONCLUSION: MARRIAGE IS NOT ABOUT MAKING US HAPPY, BUT ABOUT MAKING US HOLY!

In conclusion, as I began to put the scriptures into practice, I then could see the

Lord beginning to heal my marriage. Now I know, also, that the Lord was working in

Steve's heart at the same time, just as he was in mine. I am convinced that the whole

healing process was of the Lord, was His will, and He was able to effect His will

when I began to submit to HIM!

It has been an uphill struggle, but now I can say it was worth it a million times

over. My needs that went unmet for so long are now met to overflowing. I still havestruggles being in submission and keeping my thoughts right, but that is all because

of my sinful flesh. Now, however, I have never felt so loved in all of my life. Now

we truly are ONE! And now I cannot even think of any significant faults that my

husband has.

I have learned that marriage is not about making us happy necessarily, but about

making us "holy". It is designed to make us more Christlike, to mold us into the

image of Christ himself.

Rom. 8:28-29

28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them

who are the called according to his purpose.

29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image ofhis Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.

What is God's "purpose" in the above verses? Verse 29 explains verse 28. The Lord's

purpose and will is to conform us into His image. To work all things together for

good IS to conform us into HIS image! Christ came to serve and not be served. If we

are to be conformed into His image we must do the same. Who are we to demand more?

So, whatever a woman's circumstances, she is to allow the Lord to mold her into HIS

image through it!

The wonderful thing is, though, that the closer we become to what Christ would have

us be, the happier we become! I have learned that happiness is not conditional upon


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Proverbs 14:1

1 Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her

hands.

When you are choosing the first of the choices, you must see to it that every action

and reaction on your part is that which builds up your marriage.

WHAT MUST YOU DO?

#1. First, relinquish all control of your husband. Give him up to the Lord. He is

God's to change. Many marriages which are in trouble, have this as a root problem.

Remember the snowball effect? Men, especially, really resent controlling wives, and

this problem usually starts at the beginning of the marriage. Men resent this because

of the God-ordained order for marriage. God has put the natural desire in men to want

to be in control, to be the head of their homes. We find that a man's headship over

the woman is part of the curse of Gen. 3:16:

Genesis 3:16

16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in

sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and

he shall rule over thee.

All the way over in Paul's epistles, we still find instructions about this order,

including,

1 Corinthians 11:3

3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of

the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

I hope you understand that no one is justifying any husband who may also be overly

controlling, because this kind of husband is also not following the instructions that

God has given men in Ephesians 5. But consider that God may be allowing you to be

this man's wife, in order to make you more Christlike! Should we say, in these kinds

of circumstances, "No Lord, I do not want this job?" Use this as an opportunity,

rather, to grow and learn to control your own body so that Christ may use you

greatly, not only in your marriage, but also as an example to your children, to your

family, and everyone else in your life! Consider each action on your part as to

whether it is a Christlike action or reaction, or whether it is an opposite one.

Because God may be working to bring about these changes within you, and because you

cannot change your husband, nor teach him directly, what you must do and all you can

do, in reality, is to examine yourself to see if you may be contributing to the

problems within your marriage. Take a close inward look to see if you are trying to

maintain some kind of control over your husband. If a husband is feeling resentment

over a controlling wife, he may try to retaliate in hurtful ways, or maybe in ways

that are also more controlling. It may be his way of gaining control and reaffirming

his headship. If you affirm his headship in many ways, maybe he will be less likely

to try to bring about these changes himself. Because I do not know you nor your

husband, these are merely given as things for you to consider and examine within yourown marriage.

#2. Secondly, when your husband hurts you, take it patiently for Christ's sake. When

he gives you no physical affirmation, then be content to get your affirmation from

the Lord. Paul said,

Romans 12:10-15

10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one

another;

11 Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;

12 Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;


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13 Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality.

14 Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.

15 Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.

Phil. 4:11-13

11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am,

therewith to be content.

12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all

things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer

need.13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

You CAN do this! God will strengthen you!

#3. The next thing to work on is to give your husband something to come home to: a

comfy and nice home, as neat as you can make it, remembering the following excerpt

from Proverbs 31:

Proverbs 31:27

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of

idleness.

Also see to it that your husband comes home to a loving and smiling wife, a touchy

wife, a wife who expresses great appreciation for her husband's long hours of work, a

wife who only speaks with kind words, etc. You are making memories every day of your

married life. We all are. We must be careful of what kind we make.

Proverbs 15:1:

A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

Proverbs 21:9

It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a

wide house.

Proverbs 31:2626 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

If your reactions to your problems are all about your own hurts and feelings, and

your home is an unhappy place, you will be making memories of anger, distrust and

disappointment. This will compound your problems and your husband may then feel

justified in being so critical of you. Eventually it may also cause him to consider

leaving the marriage. He may then feel as if your marriage is only bad and will never

improve, blame you for the problems, and think, "I am better off without her." You

must do the things that, hopefully, will make him like being with you again. This in

itself will help to convict your husband.

In Proverbs we are told to do our husbands good, and not evil all the days of our

lives.

Proverbs 31:10-12:

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need

of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

I heard someone once say as advice for a marriage that is in trouble: "You must show

your husband what he will be missing if he leaves." Go back to the days when you were

madly in love and act in those ways again. Rekindle those memories for him. Put on

"bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering" and

"forbearing one another, and forgiving one another", as Colossians 3 tells us to do.


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Colossians 3:12-13:

12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies,

kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;

13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel

against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

Overcome evil with good! Consider the following passage:

Romans 12:19-21:

19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is

written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so

doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Overcome evil with good and you will be in essence, heaping "coals of fire" on your

husband's head.

Someone once told me that she had heard a marriage counselor give advice to women

whose husbands have been considering leaving the marriage, that these wives must

become the best wives and the best women they can be. You, too, must become the best

person you can be: the best wife, the best homemaker, the best mother, the best

friend to your husband, the best person you can be in general. In doing so you becomewhat Christ would have you to be and only then can you begin to affect your husband.

You will then help him to begin to see hope for himself and for your marriage. You

will be overcoming evil with good.

In considering what this means for you, please read again the "7 Steps to Start the

Healing Process." Also consider these things, written by a young wife, about being

the best wives we can be:

"...More specifically,there are so many things to look at when we are finding the

truth about the Lord's will for us as women. Titus 2:3-5 is an excellent passage for

us. We can read and begin immediately to act upon instructions, like being obedient

to our husbands, being discreet, chaste, good, and keepers at home, as we are told in

that passage. We can also gain so much from Proverbs 31. That woman is one we can allaspire to be.

"Ephesians 5:22-24 gives very specific directions to wives to be submissive to our

husbands in everything. Letting him have the decision making power over everything

that he doesn't leave up to you to decide, is one. If he asks or specifically tells

you to do something, do not hesitate to do it, even if you disagree or feel like you

don't want to be burdened with the task. That will give him the power and headship in

the home that he so desires.

"Romans 12:18 says we should live peaceably with all men as much as possible.

Submitting to your husband will bring peace into your home because it is the Lord's

will for the family.

In some cases, if you believe being in submission would be something that would be

dangerous or foolish, pray, pray, pray about it. You may have to let the Lord handle

it, but if you can relate your feelings to your husband about the issue without

taking over his authority as the decision maker, then do so. Some women are not able

to do this without disrupting the sensitive balance of power in the home. Sometimes,

it is better for him to see the results of his decision, than for you to point out

what may happen. He will learn from his mistakes. That would be much more effective

than you "telling him what to do". Proverbs 15:33, "The fear of the LORD is the

instruction of wisdom; and before honour is humility."


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"Another way to be a loving wife is to pay attention to Ephesians 5:33 where it

states that we should reverence our husbands. This is done by building him up in all

areas of ego, confidence, masculinity and headship. We need to listen thoughtfully to

their requests, and make notes if we have to, in order to remember what they like or

dislike. Give them compliments. Men so love to be noticed for their efforts, great or

small. Smile at them often , be affectionate. Respect his authority when you are

alone, when you are in front of the children, and when you are out in public. Make

sure this is something you do from your heart, not just when he is listening or

watching. Constantly affirm your respect for him as the leader of your home. He may

then want to live up to your expectations."

#4. In doing the above things, you will be allowing God to conform you into the image

of His Son.

This is God's will. One of many verses about this is Romans 8:29.

Romans 8:29:

29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of

his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.

Notice also this passage from Philippians 2:

Philippians 2:5-8:

5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:

6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:

7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was

made in the likeness of men:

8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto

death, even the death of the cross.

To humble oneself and become a servant, and to be obedient, is to be conformed into

the image of Christ.

This never feels good, even Christ himself prayed, "let this cup pass from me:

nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." This kind of attitude usually hurts,

and is not ever self-serving. The normal kind of response is to protect oneself, to

seek what feels good to us, instead of doing good to and for the other person.

Someone once wrote the following about marriage, and she is so right:

"It is easy to tell when you are doing the right thing because it is harder to do! It

is human nature to want to recompense evil for evil, wrong for wrong and the Bible

clearly tells us not to do so. We naturally want to point the finger to what the

other person is not doing right to justify our actions and attitudes, which are also

not right. We want to quit because it is often the easy thing to do."

Yes, the easy thing to do is to quit. It is often hard and goes against our selfish

nature to do the right thing!

Also, there is something that you may have to face, and that is the possibility that

your husband may act even worse to you when you put these things into practice. If he

does, just remember that it is because the better you become, the worse it makes him

feel about himself and how he treats you. You must take this patiently for Christ's

sake, because it means the Lord may be convicting him. The Lord will not allow you to

be tempted more than you can bear.

1 Corinthians 10:13:

13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is

faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with

the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.


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#5. Don't fail to pray for your husband. This also is another way of being conformed

into the image of Christ. Christ often got alone to pray.

From Romans 12:12 we find: "...continuing instant in prayer". Remember also these

admonishings:

Ephesians 6:18:

18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching

thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

Colossians 4:2:

2 Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with thanksgiving;

#6. Lastly, consider I Peter 2 and 3. I think people just do not give the passage

enough thought. It will shed so much light on how we, as women, are to react to a

hurtful husband. The verses indicate that suffering may be necessary and that wives

must take it patiently in order for their husbands to be won.

1 Peter 2:19-20:

19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief,

suffering wrongfully.

20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it

patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is

acceptable with God.

1 Peter 3:1-2:

1 Likewise (referring to ch.2, verses 19-21) , ye wives, be in subjection to your own

husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by

the conversation of the wives;

2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

The passage indicates that a woman's behavior and life has a big influence on a

husband who does not obey the Word.

One last thing needs to be said, and that is, if in the end, your husband seeks asinful life style and does not respond to these changes in you, then at least you

will know that you have tried to do all you can to save the marriage. Your peace will

come from knowing you did all you could. You will also have the peace of knowing that

God will take care of you.

If you do not try, then you will always carry the guilt of what you should, or could

have, done differently. God may then have to allow you to suffer the consequences of

what you have sown, because of His law of sowing and reaping, found in Galatians 6:

"Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also

reap."

Remember that God's way is the best way. God's way is the only way that can build

your marriage up. God's way is the only way that He places His stamp of approval on!

God's way is RIGHT!

Psalms 33:4:

4 For the word of the LORD is right; and all his works are done in truth.

Praise God!

Mary Atwood

Grace Bible Church

www.understandingyourbible.com


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http://www.understandingyourbible.com/women.htm

Seven Steps to Start the Healing Process of a Broken Marriage

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