Seth's Seashell Methods of Marriage - PREVIEW

Seth’s Seashell Methods

of

Marriage

Seth’s Seashell Methods

of

Marriage

How a basic

concept can

change your

life, your

marriage and

everything

you do.

T. Seth Cox

First Edition

September 2009

www.SethCox.com

www.SeashellMarriage.com

Cover Design: Leslie Brown

Copyright ©2009 by T. Seth Cox - All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission

from the publisher.

ISBN 978-0-557-10243-3

Printed in the United States of America

FOREWORD BY JOE BEAM

Seth's Seashell Methods of Marriage is a challenging yet easy to read

reminder of what it takes to make marriage healthy and fun for both

spouses in an age of divorce. Marriage often ends due to a lack of

understanding the fundamental process of meeting each other's needs

and having your own needs met. Seth outlines this process as well as

provides insight to understanding the basics of becoming a good sales

person in your marriage and in your life.

This book will challenge you to see your marriage (and your role in your

marriage) in a new and exciting way that you can immediately put into

practice. You will understand how to get what you want out of your

relationship while making your love grow and developing a more

positive marriage and life.

Inside Seth's Seashell Methods of Marriage you will find suggested

outside resources that will benefit your relationship. Take advantage of

all you can. You will find them worth your while.

Joe Beam - Founder - Love Path International, Inc.

Internationally known Marriage Expert Joe Beam is the author of several

books on marriage, relationships and Christianity. His tools and insight into

marriage has saved hundreds of thousands of “impossible” marriages. Joe has

been featured on ABC’s “Good Morning America”, Montel Williams, The Today

Show, Dave Ramsey, Fox Business Channel & Focus on the Family among

others. His process and resources are referenced throughout this book.

http://www.JoeBeam.com

http://www.MarriageHelper.com

FOREWORD BY GEORGE WALLER

"Seth's Seashell Methods of Marriage" is easy reading. It covers a

number of concerns that many married couples encounter. The

information presented in this book is not just from 'book learning' but

was also derived from life experiences. They are in agreement with

many successful books written on the subject of marriage. More

importantly, they are in accordance with the greatest authority - the

God who created man and woman and ordained marriage.

Seth presents well what marriage should be based on, which is 'The

Biblical Perspective of Marriage.' He reveals that success on one's job

and successful relationships with peers does not mean a successful

marriage. He beautifully describes the necessary tools of a successful

marriage based on love, faithfulness and commitment.

The thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter cause the

reader to more fully digest the materials, making it easier to apply them

to life. The truths are made known with many very interesting and

enlightening life experiences and stories. One will have a hard time

putting the book down until it is consumed.

George Waller

Pastor, Living Word Church

Huntsville, AL

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

No book can be written without sacrifice from the family of the author.

Late nights, early mornings and too few “I love you” sentiments

received are just a part of their sacrifice.

Thank you to my amazing wife Crystal and my children Kaitlyn, Micah,

Troy, Brooklyn and Bailey who gave up time with husband and father

temporarily so that I could finish this project that’s been on my heart

for several years.

I love you all and it’s because of you that my love for marriage and

family remains such a strong part of my life. May God give me the

courage to never let that go and the strength to fight for you always.

Seth

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated first to my wife, Crystal, for the grace extended

to me as I wrote it and for being the proof-reader who kept my

tendencies to wander off into different subjects in check.

Second, this book is dedicated to all those who have visited the

MarriageWalk.com website and submitted prayer requests with such

conviction and love for your marriage that it inspired me to put my

thoughts into book form.

Third, I dedicate this book to my parents, Randy & Donna Cox, who

through ever-loving guidance brought me up to choose right over

wrong when the choice had to be made, and that even in the times

where wrong was initially chosen, the core that caused me to

eventually choose right was a result purely from the upbringing they

provided. My love for God’s word and my passion to see it lived out is

because of them.

Lastly, though far from least, I dedicate this book to two great

mentors and friends in my life, Walton Harless & Lewis Hundley,

without whom, had they not so given of themselves and their

preciously little time when my life was in shambles and I needed God’s

people the most, this book and probably even I would not be here

today. I am forever grateful to you both.

CONTENTS

Forward by Joe Beam

Forward by George Waller

Acknowledgements

Dedication

PART ONE

INTRODUCTION

1. The Seashell Method Concept - 16

2. How the Seashell Method Relates to Marriage - 19

PART TWO

CONCERNING MARRIAGE

3. What Is Marriage? - 24

4. Biblical Perspective of Marriage - 27

5. Marital Roles - 30

PART THREE

SALESMANSHIP (AND SALESWOMANSHIP)

6. Not That Kind of Sales...Relationship Based Sales - 34

7. Grasping the Basics of a Good Sales Person - 38

8. Becoming a Better Sales Person in My Marriage - 41

PART FOUR

MEETING MY SPOUSE'S NEEDS

9. Understanding Your Spouse's Basic Needs - 54

10. Ramifications of Not Meeting Their Needs - 63

11. Making the Adjustment - Learning to Meet the Needs - 65

PART FIVE

RECOGNIZING DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR

12. Understanding Destructive Patterns - 70

13. Dealing with Control - 73

14. Ending Controlling and Other Destructive Behavior - 80

PART SIX

21ST CENTURY AFFAIRS

15. The Internet Affair, Addiction & "Forsaking All Others" - 90

16. Wayward Eyes Bring on Bad Habits - 94

PART SEVEN

BUILDING A SOLID RELATIONSHIP

17. Beginning Today (Regardless of the Past) - 100

18. Loving the Unlovable - 103

19. Overcoming Past Hurt - 106

20. Creating Pleasant Atmospheres - 108

PART EIGHT

IF YOUR SPOUSE HAS LEFT

21. Understanding Your Role as a "Stander" - 112

22. ...in the Meantime - 117

23. Anger is Not an Option! - 120

PART NINE

POSITIVELY LIFE CHANGING

24. Becoming Your Thoughts - 126

25. Positive Life Changing Habits = Happier Marriage - 130

26. Being Loved and Being "In Love" - 132

27. Perfect Love - 134

PART ONE

INTRODUCTION

PART ONE - INTRODUCTION

-CHAPTER ONE-

The

Seashell Method Concept

very now and then in a person's life comes a moment that causes

you to sit up and think to yourself (or maybe even out loud)

"Wow!...I've got it!". Maybe it's an invention idea or a series of music

notes to create a fabulous melody. Maybe it’s a combination of

decorative items for a room or a new recipe idea. For me, it was an old

rhyme that suddenly had a new meaning…

E

I was sitting on my couch working on a blog of ideas to help

business owners weather the financial storm of the newly announced

recession when I became frustrated as how to best put my thoughts and

ideas into words. I knew I had material but something was missing.

Something that would tie it all together, that would help those I talked

with remember what I was saying. I sat there, mind wandering,

children watching cartoons in the background, when suddenly a

familiar theme began to cycle through my head. One I had not heard in

years:

16

SETH’S SEASHELL METHODS OF MARRIAGE

“She sells seashells by the seashore

The shells that she sells are seashells I’m sure”

It was then that I stopped…thought…thought some more and

realized what a gift had just been dropped into my lap.

The Seashell Method was born and with it, streams of ideas and

concepts that would be beneficial to almost any part of life began to

flow. How simple, yet at the same time profound, and if you take it to

heart, it will be profound in your life too. Not just in your marriage, but

also in your workplace, your business, your family and your church.

To understand the Seashell

Method, we must take a close look at the

first line in the rhyme:

“She sells seashells by the

seashore…”

Now stop, read it again and think about

what you just read.

If you’re like me, then the first

sentence that popped into your head was simply “She did what?!” Yes,

exactly. It says that she (though we don’t know the brilliant

entrepreneur’s name) sold seashells (you know, those things the kids

pick for free when they go to the beach and bring home a bucketful) by

the seashore. Not in the desert of Arizona, but at the very place that

these seashells are so readily available…for free! If you’ve ever been to

the beach you’ve probably seen seashells sold in stores along the coast,

but to create a business out of it requires some special skills and even

better decisions.

To create a business

out of selling

seashells on a

seashore requires

some special skills

and even better

decisions.

Now, maybe your first instinct is to say “It’s just a tongue

twister, you’re reading too much into that silly rhyme” and maybe

17


you’re right. But, then again, maybe there is something there we can all

learn from. In fact, I feel pretty certain there is, or I wouldn’t have

written this book!

The Seashell Method recognizes several important factors that

are essential to our life if we want to succeed in whatever it is we do:

Using what we have and making the most out of it

Not running away from or fearing competition

Taking the ordinary and making it extraordinary

The early bird gets the worm (quite possibly she made

it to the beach before the guests arrived and had

already grabbed up the best seashells)

There are many more ideas we can take from that two line

snippet of nursery rhyme, but we’ll start with these for now and move

on.

18


-CHAPTER TWO-

How the Seashell Method Relates to Marriage

ou’re probably wondering how in the world this fits into a

marriage book and more importantly into your marriage, but I

assure you, it does, and once you make it a part of your marriage you

can expect to notice a difference! But before we get there, let’s let the

Seashell Method example play out in a business setting, the starting

point that the rhyme puts us in.

Y

A QUICK BUSINESS COURSE

Running a successful business absolutely must have two things: 1) A

product which you can sell, and 2) A customer who is willing to give you

their money in exchange for it. That part is not exactly a difficult

concept to grasp.

Now imagine owning a business where your product is readily

available to not just you, but to everyone else around you. You’re not

the only one providing this service, you’re one of many! That’s big

competition.

19


Take it a step further, the product that you base your livelihood

on is not only accessible to your potential customers from many other

outlets, it’s available for free anytime. So, if you want to make money,

and if you want to survive and be successful, you better be different and

you better be better than your competition or you will wind up out of

business.

BRINGING IT ALL TOGETHER

Starting to make a little since now? It should be coming together in

your mind, because your marriage, well, it is your business. Your

spouse is your customer and your competition is all around you and

you both know it.

You’ve heard and maybe even

said it yourself at some point in your life,

“There are plenty of fish in the sea”. And

you were (and are) absolutely right.

Now while this thought can be

frightening if you think of it like that, it

can also be considered a good and healthy

challenge to each of us to be the best we

can be for our spouse because they are our

most important customer, even if we

don’t like the sound of that sometimes!

If you want to make

money, and if you

want to survive and

be successful, you

have to be different

and better than your

competition or you

will wind up out of

business!

So we’ll take note of the lady who ran a successful business

selling seashells on seashores and try our best to learn from her age-old

secret while creating the Seashell Methods of Marriage. And even

though you’re trying to enjoy (or maybe survive) a marriage in an age

where divorce is so rampant, the next love affair is a mouse-click away

and the idea of “Me first” has seemingly replaced the reminder that the

20


first shall be last, the lessons learned from her simple business model

will surely change your life and with God’s help, your marriage.

21


PART ONE NOTES

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

22

PART TWO

CONCERNING MARRIAGE

PART TWO – CONCERNING MARRIAGE

-CHAPTER THREE-

What Is Marriage?

efore we dig any deeper into the Seashell Methods of Marriage,

let’s take a look at some marriage basics you may well already

know.

B The concept of marriage predates the history we have on the

subject. Every major religion deals with the subject and has its own

concepts of what marriage is and should be. I won’t attempt to go over

all of them here, but suffice it to say that marriage has been the way of

human life and reproduction ever since the creation of the world.

Marriage works when a man and a woman decide to commit

their life from having single liability only to being (to a degree)

responsible for another person; their spouse.

People tend to recognize loneliness or void in their life that

causes them to want to share it with another person in a way that goes

deeply beyond friendships.

We typically want to experience love, sexual pleasure, offspring

and joy with another person. This leads us to either experience these

24


things outside a marital relationship or make the better choice and find

a partner that we choose to spend the rest of our life with and marry

them.

Every year in America we see an increase of those choosing to

experience what were previously marital only relationships outside of

marriage and the reason is not that

stunning; marriage is becoming a less-

attractive option. Many of us grew up in a

time where divorce rates increased. We’ve

seen marriages become ugly and divorces

uglier. We’ve seen parents battling for

their children only to destroy the

emotional stability of their kids and

therefore when the children grow up they

don’t want to ever go through that pain and simply choose not to marry.

They don’t trust marriage, they don’t expect it to be life-long and many

choose to simply live life without it.

What’s lacking? What’s going on today that is different than in

generations past? Is there any difference or is divorce just finally

becoming an easy and acceptable solution

to walking away from problems?

Why can’t couples learn to make

their marriages wonderful, fulfilling and

desirable for years and decades?

The fact is, they can – just many

don’t know how to. They don’t realize that

they hold the key to making their marriage

sustaining and enjoyable for both partners if they only knew how to use

it.

You hold the key to

making your

marriage sustaining

and enjoyable and

you’ll lean how to

use it as you read

this book!

People recognize

loneliness that

causes them to want

to share life with

another person that

goes deeply beyond

friendships.

25


I hope this book will show you how to use the key and turn a

marriage around that is struggling to survive.

You will see references to other books and such herein. As you

can, purchase those as well and read them through. They are part of the

key as well.

26


-CHAPTER FOUR-

Biblical Perspective of Marriage

hroughout the Bible we see marriage relationships. Some of them

appear healthy and some not so much. It doesn’t take much

reading about slaves and concubines to find why marriage existing

between one man and one woman is the best route. It is impossible for

any person to be an adequate spouse to more than one person.

Marriages today find it difficult to even meet the needs of each other,

much less of several.

T

In Genesis, God says that “It is not good for man to be alone. I

will make a helper suitable for him” and proceeds to make woman

from man’s flesh and institutes the first marriage.

From that point forward, marriage has been a part of our lives.

As you read God’s word you will find ultimately marriage to be defined

as one man with one woman in a non-polygamous relationship.

As long as marriage has existed, so has the desire for sex

outside of marriage. Humans tend to find reasons not to be satisfied

and end up making decisions that destroy their lives and their family’s.

27


As early as the Ten Commandments we are told not to commit

adultery and not to covet your neighbor’s spouse. Jesus took it a step

further saying that anyone who even looks at another person lustfully

has already committed adultery in his heart.

Lust plays a major part in the American society today. The

opportunity is everywhere (as we will discuss in more detail in Part Six

of this book). It’s in our homes, on the street corners and every time we

turn on the television. How can we have a lifelong, sustainable marriage

with our spouse with all of these temptations so readily accessible to

humans that were created with such a drive for companionship and

sex? The desire for a sexual relationship is

not a shock to God. He created it! But what

can we do to keep that sacred, intimate love

within our marriage when marriage can

seem to be so lifeless and boring so much of

the time?

In Malachi chapter 2 it is clearly

stated that “God hates divorce”. Divorce

tears apart the family and the extended

family. It helps to develop behavioral and

psychological problems in the children torn

by divorce.

Couples that are struggling in their

marriage that feel there is no way to right

the ship other than to go separate ways and

start over should hear this loud and

clear: I understand your feelings and your pain. I know why it seems

so impossible and no one takes that lightly, but I also know that just

because you feel that way today, or have for months or even years

doesn’t mean it has to be this way. Your marriage can change, your

How can we have a

lifelong, sustainable

marriage with our

spouse with all of

the temptations for

sex outside our

marriage so avail-

able to us today

while

acknowledging the

real drive for a

sexual relationship

that does exist in

our lives?

28


relationship can grow and you can be more in love than you’ve ever

been with your spouse in your life up to this point.

I’ll show you how…keep reading.

29


-CHAPTER FIVE-

Marital Roles

Different, Yet Equal

he relationship in marriage can be a tricky one when trying to

define what is right and what is wrong when talking about

husbands and wives and their roles. Tradition typically plays part in

that definition.

T

There was a day not long ago in America that seeing

advertisements of women washing dishes or doing housework was

common place. Today there would probably be uproar if such an ad

were to run.

There are also cultures where women are treated as second

class or as slaves, purchased and traded as

valuable goods. God doesn’t give

commands to

husbands or wives

as to their

household chores or

cleaning duties. He

does, however, show

us how to treat each

other.

None of these concepts are biblical

ones. In fact, God doesn’t give commands to

husbands or wives as to their household

chores or cleaning duties. He does, however

(as is His nature throughout His word), give

instructions as to how to treat your spouse.

Just as He gives the command to

“Love the Lord your God with all your

30


heart, and all your soul and all your mind and all your strength” then

immediately following “love your neighbor as yourself” so He follows

that pattern in marriage.

In Ephesians chapter 5 He commanded wives to submit to their

husbands as unto the Lord and for husbands to love their wives as

Christ loves the church. He then goes on to say “Submit to one another

out of reverence for Christ”.

The role of a spouse in marriage is not a dominating “I run the

home, obey me” role. It’s also not independence from each other. It’s a

role of loving one another while submitting to each other.

As humans, husbands and wives are equally important to each

other and to the commission of Christ.

The desire to follow these

commands does not always come easy! But

with work and learning what to do in your

marriage to fulfill your spouse’s needs, and

in return, have your own needs met, they

become easier and more exciting to follow.

It’s the process, the steps you can

take in your relationship that make it work.

The ball is often in your court. The need is wide open for you to fill.

When you learn to meet it, your marriage will be in the top 25%. It will

be happy, sustaining and fulfilling for life.

The role of a spouse

is not a dominating

role. It is also not

independence from

each other. It’s

loving one another

while submitting to

each other.

31


PART TWO NOTES

1) If you were asked to define marriage, what would you say that it is?

______________________________________________________

______________________________________________________

______________________________________________________

2) Would your spouse agree with your definition?

3) What three Bible verses can you find that would be beneficial to your

marriage as it is today?

______________________________________________________

______________________________________________________

______________________________________________________

4) What do you see as your role in your marriage? What do you see as

your spouse’s role?

______________________________________________________

______________________________________________________

______________________________________________________

32

Thank you for viewing the online preview for the book

Seth’s Seashell Methods of Marriage

You can have the entire 140 page book shipped to your home by purchasing it at http://seashellmarriage.com

You (and your marriage) will be glad you did!

http://seashellmarriage.com/

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