Separated Parents Information Programme

Cafcass working with partner organisations

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Kids in the Middle

Aims of the programmeCan you make the decisions rather than the court?Relevant to most, many different experiencesWhat we are not here to do

What is expected of you?Listening

ContributingRecognising what you are

responsible for and can change

SPIP is part of a processThere are next steps that you can take, possibly out of court

SPIP offers:Ideas, and signposts

Encouragement and next steps

How can we help you to make things

better for your child?

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Group ContractR you are Responsible for how much you share

E everyone’s Experience is unique and valued

Cwhat are the rules on Confidentiality?

I speak only for yourself (using “I statements”)

P we would like you to Participate, however if you feel uncomfortable please let the trainer know

E all participants are Equally valuable

S please put mobile phones on Silent

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The Separated Parents Information Programme is designed to help parents:

Become clear what their children need most from them, as children of separated parents and, as part of this, to help them to:

Learn the fundamental principles of how to manage conflict and difficulties between themselves and their ex-partners

Including applying these principles by planning and imagining positive management behaviours

Programme Aims

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Programme Overview1. Looks at the journey you are on and caring for your

children as separated parents

2. Focuses on what children feel and need. A DVD made by young people is shown ; you are encouraged to think about your strengths as a parent and how to build on them

3. Focuses on communication and managing conflict, helping you to learn new skills

4. Focuses on separation moving forward and next steps

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Did You Know?You are not alone:

One in four children live in lone parent families; One in ten children live in a step-family

More than 40% of marriages end in divorce National Statistics, Social trends 36

More than one in four children will experience their parents’ divorce by the age of 16

Conflict= an important influence in number of adverse outcomes for children, including behavioural ones

Divorce & Separation Outcomes for Children Joseph Rowntree Foundation

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The Separated Parenting Process

There are many different aspects to breaking up. Here are some of them: Legal

Financial

And we focus on:

Emotional Parenting

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Your Parenting Separation

Even though you are no longer partners, you are still parents

Children can cope well when their parents divorce or separate if there is low conflict and they have access to both parents and extended family

Your parenting relationship continues even though your relationship as partners stops

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A “Highway Code” As you go through this programme you’ll find various ideas

that can make a difference to your children’s life. The most important of these are: Try not to fight in front of the children or ask them to choose

sides

Accept that your children may have different feelings to yours

Think about what you can do, not what your ex-partner should or shouldn’t do

Focus on what has worked, not on what hasn’t worked

Remember, small steps can lead to big changes

Look after yourself and be the best parent you can be

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AngryJealousGuilty

DistressedSad

Depressed

RejectedHurt

Powerless

SafeCalm

RelievedHopeful

AcceptingHappy

DisbeliefShockedSurprised

FrustratedConfusedAnxious

LonelyAfraidScared

WorriedStressedInsecure

Feelings and Emotions:

Both Children and Parents

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What Children Need when Parents Separate

To be told what’s happening and how their lives will change

To know that it is not their fault

To know that it’s OK to feel angry and sad

To know that it’s fine to talk and ask questions

To be listened to

To know that their parents understand how they feel and still love them

To feel OK about loving both parents

To know that it’s all right to have different family rules in different houses

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More of What Children Need When Parents Separate

To be allowed to distance themselves from their parents’ conflict

To have a predictable routine with consistent boundaries

To know that they have two homes where they belong

To be able to stay in contact with extended family like grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins

To have access to other types of support if they want it

Have hope for the future

Above all - to be allowed to be children

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What Children Don’t NeedPost Separation

To hear or see their parents complaining about or blaming each other

To hear criticisms or negative comments about either parent

Adult information about the reasons for the divorce or details about child support

To feel that they may be asked to choose one parent over the other

To pass messages from one parent to the other

To feel like an outsider in one parent’s home

Stay Calm Listen See it Differently Speak for Myself Be clear, stick to the points and the rules Negotiate Work it out

Getting it Right for Children When Parents Part

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Tips for Contact Children should feel that they have a home with

both parents, regardless of the amount of time they spend with them

Expect resistance from children as they adjust

Avoid using children as messengers or go betweens

Try not to criticise, find fault, or compare the two homes

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Further Tips for Contact Develop a practical, “business-like” relationship with the other

parent: one centred around being able to negotiate with each other for the best interests of the children

Wherever possible take a flexible and willing to compromise stance

Don’t discuss things that might lead to an argument in front of the children: agree to take it up elsewhere and another time

Use safeguards if you are concerned about conflict during the handover

Remember that the parent who has residence is likely to experience different feelings to the other parent

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Tips for Dealing with Difficult Conversations

Even if your ex-partner is not co-operative, keep to practicalities and courtesy

Focus on what you can control --not on the things you can’t, and your ex is one of those things

Learn how to stay calm: self-regulate, manage your feelings and not behave reactively

Try to think of things from your children’s perspective

Ask yourself: “What difference will this make in a year’s time?”

Try not to get into arguments about what “really happened”: remember that people will always experience things differently

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Your Emotional Separation

When you separate you are likely to experience feelings of loss

Your feelings can be unpredictable and it can seem like you’re on a roller-coaster

Both parents and children need time to adjust to how life has changed

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Emotions Even though it is a personal experience and everyone

responds differently:

You are likely to undergo the ‘loss cycle’

You don’t necessarily go through the stages in order

It’s possible to feel the whole range of emotions in the space of 10 minutes!

The stages of loss are: Denial – Anger – Bargaining – Depression - Acceptance

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The Loss CycleAngerIt’s their fault!Energy levels rise

DenialShock

BargainingWhy me?

Guilt, Shame, It’s my fault Energy levels start to drop

DepressionWhat’s the point?

Despair, Apathy, Sleeplessness energy levels at their lowest point

AcceptanceMoving forward, hope for the future

More energy

Sleeping betterEnergy levels rise

TIME

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Taking Care of Yourself The best thing you can do for your children is to take care

of yourself; by taking steps forward for yourself you will be helping your children as well

Do things that are just for you – nurture yourself, visit friends, read, etc.

Eat properly and get enough sleep & exercise

Try to limit the emotional energy you give to the conflict

Express your feelings by talking to a friend or counsellor, release the tension by taking physical exercise

Although separating is a painful process for both parents and children, remember, things change with time

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Taking care of yourself (2) Consider counselling if you feel “stuck” at one of

the loss stages, as it: Can help you untangle conflicting emotions

Can support you through a time of change

Allows you to express your feelings

Can help children to express their feelings and feel supported

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Family Mediation, an Alternative to Court

What is Family Mediation? Mediation helps parents to plan how they will bring up

their children

The focus is on helping you look at workable solutions for the future

It can help you to improve communication as parents

In mediation the needs of the whole family are considered

A mediator helps you come to an agreement without being on anyone’s side

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Kids in the Middle

Thank you for participating! What can you change?Listen – especially to your child

Start to work together as parents

Think about:Looking at the Parenting

Connection trainingLooking at a Parenting Agreement

Getting more helpNot going back to court

What can you do next to

make things better for your

child?

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