turning the pages through grief

AUGUST2017 “

”

I remember my grandmother saying that my grandfather had not appeared to her in a

dream after he died and so she assumed he was angry with her. I thought that was a pretty silly notion, until it happened to me.

Thirty years later my father passed away and never appeared in a dream to tell me that he was ok. I pondered this deeply and frequently because my mother had died shortly before he did and I dreamed of her right away.I think what I found most comforting in dreaming about my mother was that I was completely aware that I was dreaming and that she had passed away. In my dream she still had a great sense of humor and other than looking as though

she was only about 40 years old, nothing about her had changed.

Upon seeing her I immediately recognized that I was dreaming and expressed sadness that she wasn't actually there with me. She confirmed that I was dreaming, but then said that she was, in fact, there with me and that I shouldn't worry because she was all right. Whether my brain conjured up that meeting for my own emotional well-being or not has never mattered to me.

When I failed to dream of my father, much to my surprise, I found myself wondering if he was angry with me. Perhaps I was angry with him. I even thought maybe we weren't as close as I assumed we were. When loved

ones die, we often have dreams about them. Sometimes the dreamer is not aware in the midst of the dream that they have passed away, but more often than not, this is not the case. I have heard dozens of stories about people dreaming of their deceased loved ones and being very comforted that the person had come to tell them that they were all right, as in my case with my mother.

Not everyone holds to the belief that there even exists an afterlife. There is also the theory that our own brain will work out whatever we need to in order to relieve our own suffering. This theory may be the reason so many of us dream of our loved ones in a better place. Whatever the

If we’re in each other ’s dreamswe can be together all the time.

—Winnie the Pooh

continued...

See you

dreams?in my

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* * *The purpose of this newsletter is to share thoughts and insights from a variety of

sources on how to live richly and meaningfully through all of life’s chapters.Created and owned by Madsen Ink, Co. • Copyright 2017

chaptersnewsletter@comcast.net

reason, this strange phenomenon seems to be quite common and often offers peace and resolution to the living. But what if it doesn't happen?

If you do not dream of a loved one who has died, this is not a reflection on you or your relationship with that person.

If you were anticipating great comfort by dreaming of the deceased and it simply hasn't

happened, don’t worry that it has any great meaning. That isn’t something that can be forced and we remember our loved ones in different ways. Dreaming of one and not another may just reflect that.

Whether or not I ever dream of my father I take great consolation

in the fact that we were very close as I was growing up.

Nothing that happens now will ever change that. When I am tempted to ponder negative reasons as to why I have not dreamed of my dad, I try to imagine what he would say if he were still alive. He would likely laugh and tell me that nothing could ever come between us.

turning the pages through grief

Paulette LeBlanc, who is trained in family counseling, is a published author, magazine editor and freelance writer, who currently resides on the Gulf Coast of Florida.

yagottalaugh

*

*Footnotes

by Bill Hoy

If you do not dream of a lovedone who has died, this is nota reflection on you or your

relationship with that person.

The Opposite of Lonelinessby Marina Keegan

An affecting and hope-filled posthumous collection of essays and stories from the talented young Yale graduate whose title essay captured the world’s attention in 2012 and turned her into an icon.Even though she was just 22 years old when she died, Marina left behind a rich, deeply expansive trove of prose that, like her title essay, capture the hope, uncertainty, and possibility of her generation. The Opposite of Loneliness is an assemblage of Marina’s essays and stories that articulates the universal struggle that all of us face as we figure out what we aspire to be and how we can harness our talents to make an impact on the world.

Helpful Hints for Loneliness

A loved one’s death can leave one feeling utterly alone. In part, that’s because so few people

seem to understand the pain of grief. “They just want to fix me,” said one bereaved father at the same conference. “They don’t understand that the only thing in me that’s broken is my heart—and there isn’t a ‘fix’ for that!” You might have experienced this father’s frustration as well-meaning family members and friends try to “cheer you up” or encourage you to “move on.” But what can you do with the loneliness that seems without end? Here are four proven suggestions.

Write about the loneliness. Keeping a journal is one way to give expression to the loneliness in your heart. You can write a letter to your loved one in which

you recount events from your day, or what life is like without them.

Talk about the loneliness. Find one good friend who is willing to listen without trying to “fix you” as the bereaved military father put it. This person might already be in your friendship circle, but if not, you will find such a person in a bereavement support group.

Reach out in spite of the loneliness. One of the easiest—and least helpful ways—of dealing with the loneliness of grief is by withdrawing. We all need time alone, but if you have cut yourself off from family members and friends, the loneliness will only intensify. Meaningful work and social attachments increases a bereaved

person’s sense of purpose and direction for the future.

Volunteer through the loneliness. One antidote for the loneliness is to find ways to give yourself away to others who benefit from your time. Homeless shelters, rescue missions, hospices, faith communities, university international student offices and senior nutrition programs such as “Meals on Wheels” all may need volunteers

In the end, perhaps you will discover that alone does not always mean lonely.

“I had the worst dream! It was the early bird, and was going fishing.”