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SIDESFORLYSISTRATA

Note:Memorizationisnotrequired.

SCENE THREE: Lysistrata and Cleon CLEON: Well that was bloody embarrassing. I come home, dripping in glory and my

wife kicks me out. LYSISTRATA: You forgot, didn’t you? CLEON: Forgot what?! LYSISTRATA: I rest my case. CLEON: Alright, I forgot. I’ve been a little busy. LYSISTRATA: Tell me more about what you’ve been doing. CLEON: Lysy, I’m home. LYSISTRATA: And I’m thrilled. CLEON: Then why don’t you take off your mask and flow effortlessly, willingly,

passionately into my arms? LYSISTRATA: I will with a will but not tonight. CLEON: What’s going on. LYSISTRATA: None of your business. CLEON: Has it got something to do with this ruin? LYSISTRATA: That is not a ruin. That is the only extant Temple to the Goddess Gaia. CLEON: But it’s on my putting green. LYSISTRATA: I built you a golf course. CLEON: How much did that cost? LYSISTRATA: Less than the aircraft carrier.

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CLEON: Hey, that was my gift to a grateful nation. LYSISTRATA: Excuse me. Our gift. I paid for half of it. CLEON: It was fun, Lizzie. They let me steer it. LYSISTRATA: Cleon, darling, you have to go. CLEON: First tell me why you need this Temple? LYSISTRATA: No. CLEON: Do want the Goddess to give you a baby? Is that it? Lizzie? LYSISTRATA: It’s different this time. (off Cleon’s reaction) It is. I have a real Temple and a

real invocation and the stars are in a once-in-a-lifetime perfect position. She will come, Cleon. I know it.

CLEON: Darling, it’s time to move on. LYSISTRATA: I’m not asking to believe it, I’m just asking you to leave. CLEON: I can’t. LYSISTRATA: Why not? CLEON: I’m having a meeting here. LYSISTRATA: What? CLEON: A secret meeting with a secret delegation from the Caliph. LYSISTRATA: Change it. CLEON: I can’t risk any communication. LYSISTRATA: Cleon, a child is what we’re both longing for. CLEON: Yes but it’s not going to happen so I’ve decided to go into politics. LYSISTRATA: You hate politics. CLEON: I hate campaigning, pandering, bribing and lying with conviction, but I’m not

going to do any of that. The Caliph’s going to give me an army so I can seize control of Grace.

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LYSISTRATA: You can’t seize control. You have to be elected. CLEON: Not if you’re a tyrant. LYSISTRATA: You’re joking. CLEON: It’s what people want, Lysy. Someone strong, someone who can’t be bought,

someone who’s going to make Grace great again. LYSISTRATA: I’m flabbergasted. CLEON: I knew you’d like it. LYSISTRATA: Cleon, Grace is the birthplace of democracy. Do you honestly think people

will let you get away with this? CLEON: They won’t have any choice. That’s ‘Tyrant 101’. No more choice. LYSISTRATA: You’ll get us killed. CLEON: Now you’re thinking. Take a look at this list. It’s people who may need to be

eliminated. LYSISTRATA: You mean murdered. CLEON: Excuse me! It’s not murder, it’s a military coup. Perfectly respectable.

There’s a whole library on the subject. LYSISTRATA: (looking at the list) Cleon. CLEON: Did I leave anyone out? LYSISTRATA: These are our friends! CLEON: All of them? LYSISTRATA: Androcles of Chalcis was at our wedding. You’re the godfather of his son. CLEON: Oh. Put his name on the list. LYSISTRATA: Cleon, you’re mad, CLEON: I’m not the one trying to conjure up an ancient goddess to have a baby…. I

need something new, Lysy. Something big. And being the most powerful man in the world would be fun.

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LYSISTRATA: And all this is because I can’t give you a child. CLEON: No! Well yes. If we had a family it would be different. But we don’t and it’s

not your fault. LYSISTRATA: Except that I’m the one with the diagnosis, aren’t I? I’m the one who’s

barren. I don’t know where you got this astonishing idea, Cleon, but I really don’t have time to deal with it now. Get in the boat and go.

CLEON: I can’t. LYSISTRATA: The world doesn’t revolve around you. CLEON: No, but darling, by tomorrow it might. LYSISTRATA: And by tomorrow you might be a father! CLEON: Lysy, come on. Lysistrata exits. Cleon follows. In this scene, Lysistrata thinks Gaia has appeared. LYSISTRATA: Welcome Goddess. Welcome Earth Mother.

Pandora tries to take a picture with her cell phone. LYSISTRATA: Pandora! There is another blast of smoke. A figure appears in the

doorway of the Temple. Lysistrata kneels. Gaia, creator, mother, you know my heart. Divine goddess, end my longing.

Plant in me new life. Make these breasts full. Make this belly swell. Give me a child.

Pandora and Cassandra gesture that they want Lysistrata to

have the child, not them. Please, Gaia. I beg you. The figure emerges from the Temple. Music crescendo. Then

the figure removes her mask. It is the slave, H. Lysistrata stands and moves downstage. Pandora strides up to H.

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PANDORA: H. What do you think you’re doing? H mimes. PANDORA: You can spray for mosquitoes tomorrow. Right now we don’t wish to be

disturbed. Understand. (mimes) Do not disturb! H bows and exits. PANDORA: I’m going to have her whipped, Aunty. I don’t care what the rules are. She

did that on purpose. CASSANDRA: (to Pandora) Shhh… Lysy. Are you alright? LYSISTRATA: I was just admiring the stars. I wish they weren’t so far away. I wish I had

one in my arms. PANDORA: If you want someone to hug you can always hug me. CASSANDRA: And me. LYSISTRATA: Dear hearts. I am a very spoiled woman. How many people have had their

test, got their results and accepted the diagnosis? Millions? Millions of millions? But not me. Oh no. I had to buy a Temple to an Earth Goddess that everyone has forgotten… or who has forgotten us.

In the distance, we hear the men laughing. LYSISTRATA: The men are celebrating their great victory. You two should join them. CASSANDRA: Do we have to? PANDORA: I don’t feel like a party. CASSANDRA: Let’s sleep in the Temple the way we planned. PANDORA: I’ll lay out the blankets. CASSANDRA: I’ll pour the wine. Are you coming? LYSISTRATA: Yes. Of course. In a moment. Pandora and Cassandra exit into the Temple. Lysistrata sits.

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Alright, Gaia, you two faced, four breasted bitch. I broke every Heritage law in the book to get that Temple. I learned to read cuneiform. I chanted rhyming couplets in a toga. Get your sacred, holy ass down here!

Am I not worthy to have a baby? Am I too rich to fit through the eye of the

needle? But you know I would gladly live as a slave, with no name, no mask and that horrible low altitude coffee they drink - if you would just give me a child.

Please. Don’t abandon us. Don’t leave us driverless, careening down the

highway, smashing all creation. We need someone to lead. But you won’t. ‘Cause you don’t care. You’ve made us imperfect and now

you’ve left us with our imperfections. Curse you Gaia. Curse you to the burning pits of Hades. Curse you and all your kind!

Unless, of course, you want to change your mind…? SCENEONE

Time:Fivehourslater.

Weather:Coldmovingtohot.

LysistrataiswearingancientGreekarmour.Pandoraisfilming.Cassandradirects.

LYSISTRATA: …Andso,Icallonallofyou-notforyourtime,notforyourmoney–buttochangethestoryyouhavebeentaughtaboutourplaceonthisplanet.Wehavenotbeengranteddominionovertheearth.Everydaytheweatherteachesusthisbutweignoreit.Everyanimalandbirdandcreaturethatweloseforeverbearswitnesstothisbutweignoreit.Ourplanetisagenerousmotherbuteverydayweseehowsheisalsoavulnerablechildandweignoreit.Wehavetochangethisstory.MotherEarthneedsourprotection.Orelse,andIhavethisongoodauthority,shewilltransformfromamotherintoaruthlessgoddessbentonmisery,chaosanddeath!WearenotgodslookingdownattheearthfromsomeOlympianheights.Weareoftheearth,apartofallthatlivesandbreathes.AndIwanttostaybreathing.ThatiswhyIamcallingoneveryonetojointheGaiaMovementbyswearingtobeanEarthDefender.Receptionistsarestandingby.Thefirstfivepeoplewhocallandswearwillreceivethisgorgeoussetofstainlesssteelsteakknives…forvegetables.Andifyouswearinthenextfiveminutes,youwillalsoreceivethisqualityknifesharpenerabsolutelyfree.Let’schangeourstory…beforethebookofhumanityclosesforever.

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CASSANDRA: AmessagebroughttoyoubyCleonIndustries.