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Quote of the Month

“The single biggest problem in

communication is the illusion that it has

taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw

What’s Dave Have to Say?

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Welcome to the Fam!

State of the Office & Market

Kudos!

Motivational Moment

Crucial Conversations Are

Interactions that happen to everyone.

They’re the day to day conversations that

affect your life.

Crucial Conversations Are Ones

In Which

• Opinions vary

• Stakes are high

• Emotions run strong

What Makes Each Conversation

Crucial

And not just challenging, frustrating, or

annoying, is that the results could have a

huge impact on the quality of your life.

Despite the Importance

Of crucial conversations, we often back

away from them because we fear we’ll make

matters worse. We’ve become masters at

avoiding tough conversations.

Co-Workers

Send emails to each other when they should

walk down the hall and talk to one another.

Bosses

Leave voice mail in lieu of meeting with their

direct reports.

Family Members

Change the subject when an issue gets too

risky.

Three Possible Ways to Handle

Crucial Conversations

1. We can avoid them.

2. We can face them and handle them

poorly.

3. We can face them and handle them well.

For Many of Us

When conversations move from casual to

crucial, we are generally on our worst

behavior. Why is that?

We Are Designed Wrong

When conversations turn from routine to

crucial, we’re often in trouble. That’s

because emotions don’t exactly prepare us

to converse effectively.

As A Result

You end up facing challenging

conversations with the same

intellectual equipment available

to a rhesus monkey. Your body

is preparing to deal with an

attacking saber-toothed

tiger, not your

boss, neighbor, or loved ones.

Pressure

Crucial conversations are frequently spontaneous.

More often than not, they come out of nowhere.

And since you’re caught by surprise, you’re forced

to conduct an extraordinary complex human

interaction in real time – no books, no

coaches, and no therapists.

All You Have

Is the issue at hand, the

other person, and a brain

that’s drunk on adrenaline

and almost incapable of

rational thought.

It’s No Surprise

That we often say and do things that make

perfect sense in the moment, but later on

seem, well, stupid.

We Act in Self-Defeating Ways

In our doped up, dumbed down state, the

strategies we choose for dealing with our

crucial conversations are perfectly designed to

keep us from what we actually want. We’re our

own worst enemies. And we don’t even realize

it.

Here are Some Typical Crucial

Conversations

• Ending a relationship

• Talking to a co-worker who behaves

offensively

• Asking a friend to repay a loan

• Giving the boss feedback about her

behavior

• Critiquing a colleague’s work

Here are Some Typical Crucial

Conversations

• Resolving custody or visitation issues

• Dealing with a rebellious teen

• Asking in-laws to quit interfering

• Talking to a co-worker about personal

hygiene problems

By The Way…

In real estate, isn’t almost every

conversation a crucial one?

• Offers

• Negotiating

• Pricing a listing

• Getting a buyer contract signed

• Overcoming objections

The Effects

Of conversations gone bad can be both

devastating and far reaching. Strong

relationships, careers, organizations, and

communities all draw from the same source of

power – the ability to talk openly about high

stakes, emotional, controversial topics.

The Key Skill

Of effective

leaders, teammates, parent

s, and loved ones is the

capacity to skillfully

address emotionally and

politically risky issues.

As it Turns Out

You don’t have to choose between being

honest and being effective. You don’t have

to choose between candor and your career.

People Who

Routinely hold crucial conversations and

hold them well are able to express

controversial and even risky opinions in a

way that gets heard.

The People Around Them

Listen without becoming defensive or angry.

Improve Your Relationships

When you ask the average person what

causes people to break up, he or she

usually suggests that it’s due to differences

of opinion.

People Have

Different theories about how to manage their

finances, spice up their love lives, or rear

their children.

In Truth

Everyone argues about important issues.

But not everyone splits up. It’s how you

argue that matters.

Live Healthier!

The emotional pain we suffer, and the

constant battering we endure as we stumble

our way through unhealthy conversations

slowly eats away at our health.

In Some Cases

The impact of failed conversations leads to

minor problems. In others it results in

disaster. In all cases, failed conversations

never make us happier, healthier, or better

off.

The Consequences

Of either avoiding or fouling up a crucial

conversation can be severe.

When We Fail

A crucial conversation, every aspect of our

lives can be affected – from our careers, to

our communities, to our relationships, to our

personal health.

The Mistake Most of Us Make

In our crucial conversations is we believe

that we have to choose between telling the

truth and keeping a friend.

The Fool’s Choice

When we were young we learned that when

Grandma served us a large wedge of

Brussels Sprout Pie and then asked, “Do

you like it?” – she really meant, “Do you like

me?”

When We Answered Honestly

And saw the look of hurt and horror on her

face, we made a decision that affected the

rest of our lives: “From this day forward, I

will be alert for moments when I must

choose between candor and kindness.”

And From That Day Forward

We have found plenty of those same types

of moments with bosses, colleagues, and

loved ones. The consequences can be

disastrous.

When It Comes

To risky, controversial, and emotional

conversations, skilled people find a way to

get all relevant information (from themselves

and others) out into the open. That’s it.

At The Core

Of every successful conversation lies the

free flow of relevant information. People

openly and honestly express their

opinions, share their feelings, and articulate

their theories.

They Willingly

And capably share their views, even when

their ideas are controversial or unpopular.

Dialogue

Is the free flow of meaning between two or

more people.

Filling the Pool of Shared

Meaning

Each of us enters conversations with our

own opinions, feelings, theories, and

experiences about the topic at hand. This is

our personal pool of meaning.

When Two or More People

Enter crucial conversations, they don’t share

the same pool. Their opinions differ.

Those Skilled in Dialogue

Make it safe for everyone to add their

meaning to a shared pool – even ideas that

at first appear controversial, wrong, or at

odds with their beliefs.

The Pool of Shared Meaning

Is the birthplace of synergy.

As People

Sit through an open discussion where ideas

are shared, they take part in the free flow of

meaning. Eventually they understand why

the shared solution is the best solution.

The Time You Spend

Up front establishing a shared pool of

meaning is more than paid for by

faster, more unified, and more committed

action later on.

Let’s Look At

How people who are skilled at dialogue stay

focused on their goals – particularly when

the going gets tough.

This Requires

• Work on me first, and us second

• Focus on what you really want

• Refuse the fool’s choice

Me First, Us Second

When tensions rise in crucial

conversations it is not that our

behavior simply

degenerates, it’s that our

motives do. We go from

focusing on the end goal to

focusing on winning or getting

even.

As Much As

Others may need to change, or we may

want them to change, the only person we

can continually inspire, prod, and shape –

with any degree of success, is the person in

the mirror.

Focus On What You Really Want

When conversations

become crucial, step back

and look at yourself as an

outsider. Ask

yourself, “What am I

doing, and if I had to

guess, what does it tell me

about my underlying

motive?”

Stop & Ask Yourself

• What do I really want for myself?

• What do I really want for others?

• What do I really want for the relationship?

Refuse the Fool’s Choice

Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that

you must choose between peace and

honesty, between winning and losing, and so

on. Break free of the fool’s choice by

searching for the and.

Clarify What You Don’t Want

Add to it what you do want, and ask your

brain to start searching for healthy options to

bring you to dialogue.

Learn to Look

When caught up in a crucial

conversation, it’s difficult to see exactly

what’s going on and why. When a

discussion starts to become stressful, we

often end up doing the opposite of what

works.

Learn to Spot Crucial

Conversations

• Physical Signals – stomach tightens, eyes

get dry

• Emotions – scared, hurt, angry

• Behavior – raised voice or becoming

extremely quiet

Spot Safety Problems

Those most skilled at dialogue keep an eye

on safety. If you make it safe

enough, people feel like they can talk about

anything without fear that they will be

attacked or humiliated.

People Rarely

Become defensive simply because of what you

are saying. They only become defensive when

they no longer feel safe. The problem is not

the content of your message, but the condition

of the conversation.

If You Can Learn

To see when people start to feel unsafe, you

can take action to fix it. That means that the

first challenge is to simply see and

understand that safety is at risk.

By Pulling Yourself Out of the

Argument

And looking for signs that safety is at

risk, you reengage your brain and your full

vision returns.

Step Out, Make it Safe,

Step Back In

If you really want to have a healthy

conversation, then you may have to set

aside confronting the current issue, for a

moment or two, to make it safe for the other

side.

Mutual Purpose

To create safety you must create mutual

purpose. Mutual purpose means that others

perceive that you’re working toward a

common outcome in the conversation, that

you care about their goals, interests, and

values.

And Vice Versa

You believe they care about yours.

Mutual Purpose

Is the entry condition of dialogue. Find a

shared goal, and you have both a good

reason and a healthy climate for talking.

Mutual Purpose

Is not a technique. To succeed in crucial

conversations, we must really care about the

interests of others – not just our own.

If Our Goal

Is to get our way or manipulate others, it will

quickly become apparent, safety will be

destroyed, and we’ll be back to silence or

violence by the other party in no time.

Examine Your Motives

Ask yourself:

• What do I want for me?

• What do I want for others?

• What do I want for the relationship?

You Can’t Stay

In a crucial conversation if you

don’t maintain mutual purpose.

Mutual respect is the

continuance condition of

dialogue. As people perceive

that others don’t respect

them, the conversation

immediately becomes unsafe

and dialogue comes to a

screeching halt.

A Telltale Sign

That respect is violated and safety takes a

turn south, is when people are defending

their dignity. Emotions are key. When people

feel disrespected, they become highly

charged.

Apologize When Appropriate

When you’ve made a mistake that hurts

others, start with an apology. Express your

sorrow for your role in causing, or for not

preventing, pain or difficulty to others.

Contrast

When others misinterpret your purpose or

intent, step out of the argument and rebuild

safety by using a skill called contrasting.

Contrasting

Is a don’t/do statement that:

• Addresses others’ concerns that you don’t

respect them or that you have malicious

purpose (the don’t part).

• Confirms your respect or clarifies your real

purpose (the do part).

To Stop Arguing

We have to suspend our

belief that our choice is the

absolute best and only

one, and that we’ll never be

happy until we get exactly

what we currently want.

We Have To

Open our mind to the

fact that maybe, just

maybe, there is a third

choice out there – one

that suits everyone.

Brainstorm New Strategies

Once you’ve built safety by finding a shared

purpose, you should now have enough safety

to return to the content of the conversation.

Suspend Judgment

And think outside the box for new

alternatives.

Other’s Don’t Make You Mad

You make you mad. You make you

scared, annoyed, or insulted. You, and only

you, create your emotions.

Once You’ve Created Your Upset

Emotions

You have only two options: You can act on

them or be acted on by them. When it

comes to strong emotions, you either find a

way to master them or fall hostage to them.

It’s Not Easy

To rethink yourself from an emotional and

dangerous state into one that puts you back

in control. But it can be done. It should be

done.

Here’s How

Just after we observe what others do and just

before we feel some emotion about it, we tell

ourselves a story. We add meaning to the action

we observed. We make a guess at the motive

driving the behavior.

We Also

Add judgment.

Then, based on these

thoughts or stories, our

body responds with an

emotion.

If We Take Control

Of our stories, they won’t control us. People who

excel at dialogue are able to influence their

emotions during crucial conversations. They tell

themselves different stories and break the loop.

It’s the only way to break the loop.

The Best Way To

Find out the true story is not to act out the

worst story you can generate. That will lead

to self-destructive silent or violence games.

Think about other possible explanations long

enough to temper your emotions so you can

get to dialogue.

Once You’ve Worked On Yourself

To create the right conditions for

dialogue, you can then draw upon 5 distinct

skills that can help you talk about even the

most sensitive topics.

STATE

• Share your facts

• Tell your story

• Ask for others’ paths

• Talk tentatively

• Encourage testing

Share Your Facts

Start with the least controversial, most

persuasive elements from your path to

action.

Tell Your Story

Explain what you are beginning to conclude.

Ask for Others’ Paths

Encourage others to share both their facts

and their stories.

Talk Tentatively

State your story as a story – don’t disguise it

as a fact.

Encourage Testing

Make it safe for others to express differing or

even opposing views.

How do You Listen When Others

Blow Up or Clam Up?

Be sincere: To get others’ facts and stories

into the pool of meaning we have to invite

them to share what’s on their minds.

Be Patient

When others are acting out their feelings and opinions

through silence or violence, it’s a good bet they’re

starting to feel the effects of adrenaline. So, be patient

when exploring how they feel. Encourage them to

share their path and then wait for emotions to catch up

with the safety you’ve created.

4 Powerful Listening Skills to Retrace

the Other Person’s Path to Action

• Ask

• Mirror

• Paraphrase

• Prime

Ask

Start by simply expressing interest in the

other person’s views.

Mirror

Increase safety by respectfully

acknowledging the emotions people appear

to be feeling.

Paraphrase

As others begin to share part of their

story, restate what you’ve heard to show not

just that you understand, but also that it’s

safe for them to share what they’re thinking.

Prime

If others continue to hold back, prime. Take

your best guess at what they may be

thinking and feeling.

Final Thoughts

Your life is fundamentally a function of how

you are handling dialogue with people

around you.

If You Persist

And use the ideas we’ve shared, you will

see dramatic improvements in your

relationships and results. A little bit of

change can lead to an enormous amount of

progress.

Motivational Moment

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Sharpening Your Skills

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