Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

Conflict Resolution in the BDSM Community

Alexia AKA Truth or Darealexia@sscn.org

Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

About Me

I have the training I have the experience But I’m still human!

Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

About This Presentation

Main goals are to help: Change how we view conflict Keep our community together Get things done

Not part of this presentation: Relationship counseling Group hugs (group sex is OK)

Quick preview of what’s coming

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Conflict Resolution

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say “conflict”?

What about when I say “conflict resolution”?

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So, What is Conflict? (And Why Define It?) It’s inevitable It’s based on:

Diversity and differences Needs Perceptions Power Values and principles Feelings and emotions Internal conflicts

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What Do I Mean by Conflict Resolution? It does not mean eliminating

differences, needs, perceptions, power, and so on

Let’s view it as something that: Helps us get things done Helps us understand and improve

our relationships and ourselves

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How Is Conflict Resolution Different for Us? We have some specific

challenges But we also have some special

strengths

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Challenges

We have a common interest in Power Exchange

“My kink is better than your kink” attitudes hurt us all

We tend to be somewhat incestuous Cliques are a challenge anywhere We are a diverse group We are human Others?

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Strengths

We have a common interest in Power Exchange

D/s is all about managing conflict T3WD encourages communication We encourage safe, sane, consensual

behavior We encourage open-mindedness We are interested in knowing

ourselves Others?

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What Doesn’t Work?

Defeating your opponent Avoiding the conflict Bargaining Going for the quick fix Relating as a persona, not a person

(non-consensual topping) Getting others involved (unless

they can really help facilitate)

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Principles for Resolving and Preventing Conflicts Concentrate on “we” Look to improve the whole

relationship Look for mutual benefits

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Steps to Resolve Conflicts Part I

1. Create an effective atmosphere

2. Clarify perceptions3. Understand needs

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Steps to Resolve Conflicts Part II

4. Share power5. Keep the past and future in

mind6. Generate options7. Identify actions to take8. Review

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Preventing Pointless Conflicts Why “pointless”? Understand and remain sensitive to

the things that contribute to a conflict

Focus on the principles, not the personalities

If you are caught in the middle of a conflict, try to help the parties involved use some of these skills by using them yourself

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Summary

Key points Resources Questions? ~The End~