SAFE HAVENSAFE HAVENSharon Hart May, Ph.D.Sharon Hart May, Ph.D.

Safe Haven RelationshipsSafe Haven Relationships

Understanding the Impact of Understanding the Impact of Relationships on Our LivesRelationships on Our Lives

Psalm 91Psalm 91

God promises to be our safe placeGod promises to be our safe place

““Those who go to God Most High for safety Those who go to God Most High for safety will be protected by the Almighty. I will say will be protected by the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “You are my place of safety & to the Lord, “You are my place of safety & protection. You are my God and I trust protection. You are my God and I trust you.”you.”

““This is my prayer for you: that your love This is my prayer for you: that your love will grow more and more; that you will will grow more and more; that you will have knowledge & understanding with have knowledge & understanding with

your love…” Phil 1:9your love…” Phil 1:9“Love your neighbor as you love “Love your neighbor as you love

yourself. If you go on hurting each other yourself. If you go on hurting each other and tearing each other apart, be careful, or and tearing each other apart, be careful, or you will completely destroy each other.” you will completely destroy each other.”

Gal 5:15Gal 5:15

HAVEN OF SAFETYHAVEN OF SAFETY

Importance of Emotional Attachment BondsImportance of Emotional Attachment Bonds– the connection between two people is an the connection between two people is an

attachment bondattachment bond– we need these bonds in order to grow and thrivewe need these bonds in order to grow and thrive– we were designed by God to live in communitywe were designed by God to live in community

Without Bonds We Wither and Without Bonds We Wither and Die…Physically, Emotionally, Die…Physically, Emotionally,

PsychologicallyPsychologically

Predicts Whether You’ll Be Dead or Predicts Whether You’ll Be Dead or Alive 9yrs From NowAlive 9yrs From Now

Impacts our Healing and Dealing Impacts our Healing and Dealing With StressWith Stress

Shapes How we Make Sense of LifeShapes How we Make Sense of Life

In Our Relationships we:In Our Relationships we:

are born and grow as a personare born and grow as a person learn who we are, how lovable or unlovable learn who we are, how lovable or unlovable

we arewe are how trustworthy others arehow trustworthy others are how safe the world ishow safe the world is whether or not we can depend upon others whether or not we can depend upon others

to be there for usto be there for us

Relationships Over Our Relationships Over Our LifeLife

Temperament Temperament + Genetics + Genetics

+ Experiences + Experiences = = Who We AreWho We Are

Importance Of Your Importance Of Your Attachment Bond In Attachment Bond In

MarriageMarriage

Research * predictor of divorce * Research * predictor of divorce * emotional connectionemotional connection

more vip than fighting more vip than fighting Crucial to your marriage = perceive spouse Crucial to your marriage = perceive spouse

to be a haven of safetyto be a haven of safety

Our Bonds are A Safe Place Our Bonds are A Safe Place when:when:

we know we are loved, valued, acceptedwe know we are loved, valued, accepted we know someone will be there to love us, we know someone will be there to love us,

take care of us, take care of us, be therebe there

ATTACHMENT BONDATTACHMENT BOND

1.1. Closeness – physical proximity –Closeness – physical proximity –

2.2. Safe HavenSafe Haven

1. Trust1. Trust

2. Available emotionally & physically2. Available emotionally & physically

3. Responsive in considerate manner3. Responsive in considerate manner

3.3. Attachment Alarm SystemAttachment Alarm System

i. Protest ii. Despair iii. Detachi. Protest ii. Despair iii. Detach

Attachment Styles: Ways of Attachment Styles: Ways of Being in RelationshipBeing in Relationship

1.1. Secure Attachment BondSecure Attachment Bond2.2. Insecure Bond = Anxious Preoccupied = Insecure Bond = Anxious Preoccupied =

‘you love me, you love me not’‘you love me, you love me not’3.3. Avoidant = uncomfortable with closeness Avoidant = uncomfortable with closeness

yet long for ityet long for it ‘ ‘you’ll reject me so I’ll be self-sufficient’you’ll reject me so I’ll be self-sufficient’

4. Fearful Avoidant = ‘fear without 4. Fearful Avoidant = ‘fear without solution’solution’ ‘ ‘come close, come close, get away’come close, come close, get away’

Ways We Respond When Ways We Respond When We Feel Our Loved One Is We Feel Our Loved One Is

Not ThereNot There

1. Secure, Safe, Assured1. Secure, Safe, Assured

2. Unsure, Anxious, Pre-occupied2. Unsure, Anxious, Pre-occupied

3. Avoidant, Non-dependent3. Avoidant, Non-dependent

4. Fearful, confused, hyper-vigilant4. Fearful, confused, hyper-vigilant

““I Know You Will Listen and I Know You Will Listen and Care for Me and Consider Who I Care for Me and Consider Who I

Am Along With Your Own Am Along With Your Own Perspective. You Know Me, and Perspective. You Know Me, and

You Love Me. I Feel Safe You Love Me. I Feel Safe Sharing Who I Am With You. Sharing Who I Am With You. You Will Be There for Me If I You Will Be There for Me If I Reach for You. And I’ll Be Reach for You. And I’ll Be

There for You.”There for You.”

But “Yesterday’s Feelings Color But “Yesterday’s Feelings Color Today’s Experiences. Today’s Experiences.

Be Aware of the Filters of Past Be Aware of the Filters of Past Experience Through Which You Experience Through Which You

View Current Experiences.View Current Experiences.Be Aware of Where You Go to Be Aware of Where You Go to

Feel Validated and Loved.”Feel Validated and Loved.”

““I pray that Christ will live in I pray that Christ will live in your hearts by faith and that your your hearts by faith and that your life will be strong in love and be life will be strong in love and be

built on love”built on love”Ephesians 3:17Ephesians 3:17

THE ENDTHE END

WHAT IS AT THE HEART OF WHAT IS AT THE HEART OF EVERY ARGUMENT?EVERY ARGUMENT?

Dr. Sharon Hart MayDr. Sharon Hart May

When Your Safe Haven When Your Safe Haven Doesn’t Feel So SafeDoesn’t Feel So Safe

Something happens – event triggers Something happens – event triggers dragon - dragon -

1. You are not emotionally available1. You are not emotionally available2. You do not respond to me in a 2. You do not respond to me in a

considerate & caring mannerconsiderate & caring manner3. I want what I want & I want it 3. I want what I want & I want it

now (selfish desires)now (selfish desires)

Attachment System Alarms Attachment System Alarms Sound OffSound Off

““Danger, danger, he/she is not your safe Danger, danger, he/she is not your safe haven get him/her to see your perspective”haven get him/her to see your perspective”

CriticismCriticism DefensivenessDefensiveness ContemptContempt WithdrawalWithdrawal Harsh Start up + Failed Repair AttemptsHarsh Start up + Failed Repair Attempts

NEURO-BIOLOGY OF FIGHTSNEURO-BIOLOGY OF FIGHTS

Senses take in informationSenses take in information

Thalamus (receives, disperses)Thalamus (receives, disperses)

Neocortex (evaluates, reasons)Neocortex (evaluates, reasons)

Limbic system (emotions)Limbic system (emotions)

Amygdala (responds quickly-fear, anger)Amygdala (responds quickly-fear, anger)

Responds by priming body for actionResponds by priming body for action

Fight-Flee-Freeze-PleaseFight-Flee-Freeze-Please

Sense other is not available, responsiveSense other is not available, responsive Issues are triggered, dragons raise their Issues are triggered, dragons raise their

heads heads Strong emotions fuel rigid cyclesStrong emotions fuel rigid cycles Negative sentiment over-ride + failed repair Negative sentiment over-ride + failed repair

attempts + strong emotional responseattempts + strong emotional response Emotionally disconnect = not so safeEmotionally disconnect = not so safe

Be Wise: Is it your fears & Be Wise: Is it your fears & dragons that need to be dealt with dragons that need to be dealt with so you can love freely – or is this so you can love freely – or is this

person not your Adam/Eve? person not your Adam/Eve? Marriage is hard work – but is Marriage is hard work – but is this the right person for you to this the right person for you to

commit to for a lifetime?commit to for a lifetime?

Woman – PursuersWoman – Pursuers

feels that if they don’t pursue, talk louder, feels that if they don’t pursue, talk louder, they will not be seen/heardthey will not be seen/heard

““I nag because I feel he won’t listen to me. I nag because I feel he won’t listen to me. He’s just emotionally flat”He’s just emotionally flat”

feels out of control, unlovable, rejection, feels out of control, unlovable, rejection, abandonment, lonelyabandonment, lonely

Pursue – Withdraw CyclePursue – Withdraw Cycle

She comes over to his house and boyfriend She comes over to his house and boyfriend is watching game with buddies – she is watching game with buddies – she thought they were going out. She ups the thought they were going out. She ups the anti – he shuts down and withdrawsanti – he shuts down and withdraws

Man – WithdrawsMan – Withdraws

Overwhelmed by pursuer’s emotionOverwhelmed by pursuer’s emotion Feels helpless, not good enough, devalued, Feels helpless, not good enough, devalued,

disrespected, inadequatedisrespected, inadequate Physiologically reduce by getting away Physiologically reduce by getting away

from anxiety, shut downfrom anxiety, shut down

CYCLE SET IN MOTIONCYCLE SET IN MOTION

Something Happens and It Means “You Are Something Happens and It Means “You Are Not There For Me”Not There For Me”– don’t mean to don’t mean to – let you down in the pastlet you down in the past– triggers familiar past hurt when parent/friend triggers familiar past hurt when parent/friend

was not there for youwas not there for you– differences in personality, life style seems to differences in personality, life style seems to

mean they don’t care for youmean they don’t care for you» He didn’t bring flowers, only took you to dinnerHe didn’t bring flowers, only took you to dinner

Cycle Is Triggered - Get Stuck Cycle Is Triggered - Get Stuck

Fighting is not always bad Fighting is not always bad – If you are able to emotionally connectIf you are able to emotionally connect– Still feel loved, valued and respectedStill feel loved, valued and respected

Impact Of Your Cycle On Your Impact Of Your Cycle On Your RelationshipRelationship

When pursuing or withdrawing – don’t When pursuing or withdrawing – don’t have emotional space to be there.have emotional space to be there.– ““My boyfriend does not understand me. They My boyfriend does not understand me. They

don’t care how I feel.”don’t care how I feel.”– ““There’s no way my girlfriend would There’s no way my girlfriend would

understand me. I learned not to put my heart understand me. I learned not to put my heart out there. Risking that would mean I’d be hurt out there. Risking that would mean I’d be hurt again.”again.”

No longer turn toward each other for No longer turn toward each other for comfort, support.comfort, support.

Breaking The CycleBreaking The Cycle

What is your cycle? What happens when you What is your cycle? What happens when you and you & date fight/argue?and you & date fight/argue?

What is your part in the cycle? What is your part in the cycle?

Who pursues?Who pursues?

Who withdraws?Who withdraws?

Understand what triggers your cycleUnderstand what triggers your cycle

Withdrawers: Understand Withdrawers: Understand what you are feeling – share what you are feeling – share your heart emotions rather than your heart emotions rather than shutting down & withdrawing, shutting down & withdrawing, Risk to Stick WithRisk to Stick With It It

Pursuers: Learn to ‘Soften’Pursuers: Learn to ‘Soften’

Remember that underneath your Remember that underneath your strong reaction is a heart longing strong reaction is a heart longing

to be heard, understood, lovedto be heard, understood, loved

BOTH BOTH = Learn to Talk With = Learn to Talk With Your Hearts, Not Your Dragons.Your Hearts, Not Your Dragons.

  

- Share Your Heart Needs and Longings- Share Your Heart Needs and Longings

- Emotions (Emotional Literacy) - Emotions (Emotional Literacy) Be Able to Name, Be Able to Name, Understand, Understand, Regulate ThemRegulate Them

- Keep Them in- Keep Them in- Explode- Explode- Wear Them on Your Sleeve- Wear Them on Your Sleeve- Slow Down, Understand Them, - Slow Down, Understand Them, Express Them in a Way That Express Them in a Way That Draws Draws (You And) Your Date in(You And) Your Date in ! !

Listen To Each Other’s HeartsListen To Each Other’s Hearts

Talk From Your HeartTalk From Your Heart

Identify the emotion under the statementIdentify the emotion under the statement Listen to itListen to it Look beyond and look at your partner’s Look beyond and look at your partner’s

heartheart Respond to the heartRespond to the heart

Healing Past Attachment Healing Past Attachment InjuriesInjuries

““You Were Not There for Me You Were Not There for Me When I Needed You” When I Needed You”

“You Abandoned, Betrayed Me, “You Abandoned, Betrayed Me, Now I Won’t Risk to Trust You Now I Won’t Risk to Trust You

With My Heart”With My Heart” Emotionally reconnect Emotionally reconnect Risk to be vulnerable againRisk to be vulnerable again Offer understanding, caring, this time ‘be Offer understanding, caring, this time ‘be

there’there’ Forgive Forgive

Understand Each Other’s Understand Each Other’s Perspective & PainPerspective & Pain

(Not Defending, Blaming (Not Defending, Blaming

Criticizing)Criticizing)

Creating ConnectionsCreating Connections

1.1. Give your partner your full attentionGive your partner your full attention

2.2. Listen with your heart, not your “to do list” Listen with your heart, not your “to do list” “sensible list” “critical thing list”“sensible list” “critical thing list”

3.3. When you want to be defensive….It means you When you want to be defensive….It means you need to understand partner moreneed to understand partner more

So ask him/her to share: “tell me more about So ask him/her to share: “tell me more about what you are thinking”what you are thinking”

Then: listen until you understand (you may not Then: listen until you understand (you may not necessarily agree)necessarily agree)

Pray for a Softer, More Genuine HeartPray for a Softer, More Genuine Heart

“This is my prayer for you: that your love “This is my prayer for you: that your love will grow more and more; that you will will grow more and more; that you will have knowledge & understanding with have knowledge & understanding with

your love…” Phil 1:9your love…” Phil 1:9“Love your neighbor as you love “Love your neighbor as you love

yourself. If you go on hurting each other yourself. If you go on hurting each other and tearing each other apart, be careful, or and tearing each other apart, be careful, or you will completely destroy each other.” you will completely destroy each other.”

Gal 5:15Gal 5:15