Why Domestic Violence Victims Stay in Abusive Relationships: Part One
Safe, Connected, & Flexible · 2020-03-04 · Healing. Shelter, food, support, & advocacy for women...
Transcript of Safe, Connected, & Flexible · 2020-03-04 · Healing. Shelter, food, support, & advocacy for women...
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Safe, Connected, & FlexibleBuilding Healthy Relationships & Preventing Unhealthy Relationships
Sarah Busch, MSW, LGSWFebruary 2020
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IntroductionConnection to VisitationProfessional ExperienceEmotional Safety
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Missions Inc. Programs
HopeEmergency shelter & support for victims of domestic violence
Withdrawal management for individuals who have overdosed on drugs or alcohol
HealingShelter, food, support, & advocacy for women & children affected by domestic violence
Legal advocacy for victims of domestic violence
Supportive housing for individuals experiencing chemical dependency
TransformationAdvocate at local, state, & federal levels
Work with local police departments, hospitals, and other systems to improve responses to domestic violence & chemical dependency
Support groups, ongoing advocacy, referrals
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The BasicsWhat is teen dating
violence? What does it look like
across the country? What does it look like at
Visitation?
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What is Teen Dating Violence?
AKA “dating abuse,” “intimate partner violence,” “relationship abuse,” etc.
“A pattern of destructive behaviors used to exert power and control over a dating partner” (loveisrespect.org)
NOT the same as:• Child abuse• Bullying• Fighting • Unhealthy friendships
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RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE IS NEVER JUSTIFIED. NO ONE EVER DESERVES TO BE ABUSED.
But what if they…Abused others?
Are a guy?
Went back to an abusive relationship?
Provoked their partner?
Had sex with their partner?
Cheated on their partner?
Committed a crime?
Were drunk or high?
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Types of Teen Dating Violence
Physical: “any intentional and unwanted contact with you or something close to your body.” It does NOT need to cause pain or leave a physical mark.
Emotional/Verbal: non-physical behaviors intended to exert power and/or control over a partner. It includes threats, insults, monitoring, humiliation, etc.
Sexual: “any action that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually they don’t want to do. It can also refer to behavior that impacts a person’s ability to control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity occurs.”
Financial: exerting unwanted control over a partner’s finances, bank accounts, or spending.
Digital: “use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated online.”
Stalking: repeatedly watching, following, or harassing another person, making them feel afraid or unsafe.
LoveIsRespect.orgLoveIsRespect.org
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Centers for Disease Control
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At Visitation45% of Visitation US Students have or know someone who has experienced violence from someone they are dating or going out with.
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Building Healthy
Relationships & Recognizing
Unhealthy Relationships
Healthy v. Unhealthy RelationshipsConcrete strategies
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Relationship Spectrum
National Domestic Violence HotlineLoveIsRespect.org
RespectGood communicationTrustHonestyEquality
HEALTHY
Imbalance of power & controlAccusationsBlame shiftingIsolationManipulation
ABUSIVE
Breakdown in communicationPressureDishonestyAttempts to controlInconsiderate behavior
UNHEALTHY
14Credit: Elizabeth HeaneyClass of 2011
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Warning Signs• Extreme jealousy or possessiveness• Unexplained marks or bruises• Lack of participation in former activities
or interests• Sudden changes in clothing or eating
habits• Isolation from family and friends• Excessive texts, emails, or social media
messages• Constant belittling or put-downs
LoveIsRespect.org & Break The Cycle
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Your ResponsesCharacteristics of healthy relationships:1. Trust (66%)2. Communication (25%)3. Respect (16%)4. Caring (10%)5. Boundaries (7%)6. Equality (6%)
Characteristics of unhealthy or abusive relationships:1. Controlling (44%)2. Violence (28%)3. Dishonesty (28%)4. Lack of Trust (16%) 5. Jealousy, Fear, Blame, Lack
of Communication
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BreakTheCycle.org
LACK OF TRUST
LACK OF TRUST
LACK OF TRUST
CONTROLLING
CONTROLLING
CONTROLLING
CONTROLLINGCONTROLLING
VIOLENCE
VIOLENCE
VIOLENCE
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Building Blocks of Healthy Relationships
• Communication
• Trust
• Boundaries
• Equality
• Conflict ResolutionImage by Thaliesin from Pixabay
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Communication• Find the right time• Talk face to face when
possible & safe• Start with “I”• Be honest
When You Are Angry:1. Stop2. Think3. Talk4. Listen
LoveIsRespect.org
Image Source
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TrustSeven Elements of Trust from Brene Brown
Dare to Lead by Brene Brown
1. Boundaries2. Reliability3. Accountability4. Vault5. Integrity6. Nonjudgement7. Generosity
Image Source
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BoundariesEmotional• Level of affection (“I love you”)
• Time apart
Physical• Go at your own pace
• Communicate
• Physical intimacy isn’t currency
Digital• Passwords
• Disconnecting
• PrivacyLoveIsRespect.org
Image Source
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BreakTheCycle.org
Tips for Setting Boundaries
• Communicate openly and honestly with your partner.• Never assume or guess your partner’s feelings. • Follow through on what you say (i.e. stick to your own boundaries)• Take responsibility for your actions. Both partners need to do this. • Recognize that you can only control your own behaviors.
25Image; Buzzfeed
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Equality
Do you feel free to explore your interests with your partner or on your own?Do you feel comfortable with who pays for what?Do you feel safe with and respected by your partner?
Do both of you get heard in an argument, and can you compromise respectfully?
LoveIsRespect.org
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Image: Bustle
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Conflict Resolution
• Set boundaries – you both deserve respect, even during an argument
• Find the real issue – what specific need isn’t being met?
• Agree to disagree • Compromise when possible
LoveIsRespect.org
Abuse ConflictPhoto: Daily Mail
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Relationship Violence &
Gender
Who can be a victim?Who can be an abuser?Intersectionality
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No Easy AnswersRelationship violence is perpetrated and experienced by people of all genders.
Violence against women has been socially accepted to some degree throughout much of human history.
Misogyny, male privilege, and patriarchal norms are often components of relationship violence perpetuated against women
Misconceptions about who can and cannot be a victim of relationship violence have led many male victims to suffer in silence.
Photo: Timothy Stapleton
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Getting HelpBarriers to getting helpHealing path v. justice pathResources at VisitationResources outside of school
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Path to HealingFocus: victim’s needs
Outcome: physical & emotional safety for victim
Led by: victim
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Path to JusticeFocus: enforcing laws
Outcome: punishment or exoneration
Led by: law enforcement authorities
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Here at Vis:
If you were experiencing violence from someone you were dating or going out with, where could you go to get help?
• Parents – 62%• Friends – 48%• Adults at school – 36%• Trusted adult – 26%
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Why not ask for help?
Barriers• Services designed for adults• Unaware of resources• Unable to access resources’• Fearful parents will be notified if
they seek help• Stigma & shame• LGBTQ+ oppression &
discrimination• Gender stereotypes
Factors• Gender: girls more likely to seek
help than boys• Cultural acceptance of family
violence• Family functioning• Availability of trusted adult• Current relationship status
Hedge et al, 2017LoveIsRespect.org
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Help a Friend• Reach out and let your friend know that you’re worried.• Help them recognize that the abuse is not normal and is NOT their fault.• Focus on your friend, not the abusive partner. • Be supportive and listen carefully.• Acknowledge their feelings and be respectful of their decisions.• Connect your friend to resources in their community.• Don’t contact their abuser or publicly post negative things about them online –
this can make the situation even worse for your friend.• Help them develop a safety plan – a personal, practical plan that can help
them avoid dangerous situations and know how to react.• Take care of yourself.
LoveIsRespect.org
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Help Available at Visitation
Your counseling team, head of school, dean of students, and teachers are ready and willing to support you.
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Community ResourcesEMERGENCY RESOURCESIf you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911 right away.MN Day One – local 24/7 crisis line, text, & online chat with trained advocates
Call: 1.866.223.1111Text: 612.399.9995
Sexual Violence Center – local 24/7 crisis line, online resources, support in helping a loved one
Call: 612.871.5111LoveIsRespect.org – national 24/7 crisis line, text, & online chat with peer advocates
Call: 1.866.331.9474Text: loveis to 22522
NON-EMERGENCY RESOURCES
ThatsNotCool.com
Futures Without Violence
BreakTheCycle.org
MN Coalition Against Sexual Assault
OutFront Minnesota (LGBTQ+ support):
non-emergency hotline 612.822.0127
option 3
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Change the CultureWhy? Social norms, beliefs, stereotypes, etc. that normalize relationship violence are significant risk factors for perpetration (Offenhaur 2011)
How?1. Speak up.2. Challenge casual tolerance of relationship violence. 3. Promote healthy relationship behaviors.
Join the MovementTeen Dating Violence Awareness MonthBecome an ambassador (ThatsNotCool.com) to raise awareness of digital abuseBreakTheCycle.org/lets-be-real
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Contact me for more information about available resources and
prevention efforts!