Runaway

DRAFTRUNAWAY

Jonathan Dunnemann

Published by FastPencil

DRAFTCopyright © 2013 Jonathan Dunnemann

Published by FastPencil307 Orchard City DriveSuite 210Campbell CA 95008 [email protected](408) 540-7571(408) 540-7572 (Fax)http://www.fastpencil.com

The author wishes to point out, that he is not a trained pastor, psychologist or an educator. What has been provided here isgeneral knowledge and understanding gained through the writer’s personal life experience and independent research. There-fore, any effort on the part of the reader to follow or apply the ideas or practices expressed in this book are understood to betaken at the reader’s risk without judgment or prejudice against the author.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means,electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior consent of the publisher.

The Publisher makes no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of thisbook and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. Neither the pub-lisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any commercial damages.

Printed in the United States of America.

First Edition

DRAFTThis book is dedicated Sal LeDonne the fastest kid in Caldwell, NJ in 1969,

and my longtime and dear friend who provided me with the inspiration to goahead and tell my life story.

❧

DRAFTAcknowledgments

The following people have played an important role in mylife some knowingly others possibly not knowing until now:Susan Abend, Ralph Alterbaum, Julie Smithers-Best, MarshalBest (M2), Gina Biegel, Gary Boelhower, Daniel Butler, JessieButler, Mark T. Cannon, John L. Calloway III, John Connor,Andre’ Deshong, Daniel E. Smithers-Dunnemann, JeffreyDunnemann, Jonathan W. Smithers-Dunnemann, MicheleDunnemann, Wilda I. Smithers-Dunnemann, MD, MarilynEricksen, Jody Fry, Edward Garlette, James Garlette, JanetGarlette, John Garlette, Bill Garlette, Elisabeth and WilliamGreene, Jeff Hasani, Edward Hernandez, Brian Hill, WilliamAnthony Hill, Alison Godfrey, Ivy Smithers-Holsey, JessicaHolsey, Ron Holsey, Michael Holsey, Leonard Hooper, SharonY. Jackson, Karen Johnson, Phyllis Johnson, Antar Keith,Tarik Keith, Bill Keith, Laila Keith, Thomas H. King, Jr, RobertLandes, Ronald Lawson, Oscar Menendez, Caroline McMe-namin, Judi Neal, Lester J. Owens, Parker J. Palmer, ValeriePlaza, Gerald Porter, Ph.D., Gregory Reeves, Connie Rob-inson, Michael J. Sclafani, Dane Reese, Sheila Robinson,Velma R. Robinson, Shauna Shapiro, Nadine Schulze, JoeSillay, Eva and Bill Smithers, Joe Suozzo, Ken Trimmer, DrMike Munro Turner, Rick Udine, Ruth and Norm Walker,

DRAFTDan Waller, Vivian Warfield, Robert Wright, and NancyHansen-Zuschlag.

There is no way humanly possible for me to adequatelyshow each of these individuals how very grateful I am that theyhave been an influencing factor in my life other than by tryingto live fully, laugh often, and by continuing to love them andexpress empathy toward all others that I am blessed toencounter in this world each and every day of my blessed life.

DRAFTContentsPreface .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ix

1. Facing Your Demons ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

2. Overactive and Underachieving ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3

3. A Turning Point .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8

4. Born in Montclair but forever a Caldwell… .... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

5. Unconscious and Black ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25

6. Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28

7. Going Global in the Summer of 1970 ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31

8. Welcome to Clifford J. Scott High School .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34

9. Becoming Too Big for Your Own Britches .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39

10. Targeted Stabbing ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49

11. Senior Year A Breeze ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52

12. Awakening ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53

13. Graduate School or Work? ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56

14. Taking a Leap of Faith ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58

15. A Dream Deferred ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61

16. Learn to Help Yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 64

17. Seeking Good Council . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72

18. To Be or Not To Be ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77

19. What Matters Most .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79

20. Perfection or Happiness? .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85

21. You Have Everything You Need ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87

22. The Purpose Evolution ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 92

23. As For Me And My Calling ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95

DRAFTPreface

If you’re not careful, you can end up spending nearly all ofyour life running away from just about anything and every-thing rather than being still long enough to take a really goodlook around at where you are and then discovering that thethings that you continue to search for can only be truly identi-fied within you. All one really needs to do is to stop longenough to formulate the right questions:

• Who am I?• What is my purpose in life?• When will I be free?• Where am I going?• How am I going to get to where I need to go?

For as long as I can remember, I have been continually run-

ning after or away from something. Eventually, I came tounderstand that what I was trying to do is to escape theunpleasant conditions and realities of an insufficient andunpleasant home life.

Never being one for sitting still, behaving all that well or

very skilled at deferring gratification, early on I became quite

DRAFTthe handful, and a bit of a recurring headache for a number ofmy caretakers.

Born the second of two boys, it was my older brother Jeffrey

who was my keeper most of the time. That is the particularrole that was assigned to him by our single working mother,Velma Rose Greene. Greene was her maiden name as thedaughter of both William and Elisabeth Greene who happilyresided at 28 Melrose Place located in West Caldwell, NewJersey.

My grandmother, Nana as we fondly call her, still lives in

the same ranch style home that our Grandpa purchased backin the late 1950’s. This was a most remarkable achievement forNegroes in the United States during that time period. Nana,who is originally from Virginia, became 103 years old on Feb-ruary 12th 2014. Her Father’s, father Benjamin Feggin I amtold, was an Irishman.

Today, I wish that I knew the actual area in Ireland from

which his parents originated so that I might visit there one dayand pay my due respect. That is because I have come to believethat so much of who we are in life is about our connections tothe past and therefore I actively seek to truly honor all whocame before me.

Nana has always been and continues to be the real stalwart

of our family. Writing this personal story is just as much atribute to her and my grandfather as it is to so many othergood people just like my friend Sal along with his olderbrother who played such a positive role in both of our lives

DRAFTduring preadolescence. The significance of seeing Sal beingraised by his loving older brother painted a contrasting picturefor me of what family, love, and security actually looked like.All I can say is, what a loving brother and what a responsibleson.

As a youth, I was a member of one of only four African

American families then living in Caldwell, New Jersey formany years. All together, we were so few as to not be dis-turbing to anybody else.

Long before I reached 12 years old, I began running away

from home. Initially, it was to the arms of my Nana. I alwaysfelt that she could understand another person’s pain no mattertheir circumstances, she unconditionally accepted and lovedyou, and would of course feed you and warmly bed you downfor the night until the raging storm of a young kid’s malcon-tent gradually and safely blown over.

Unfortunately, this propensity that I had for seeking escape

and not directly accepting personal responsibility for myactions is something that would end up plaquing me for mostof my young adult life. Consequently, out of necessity I had totry and better understand how this behavior has generallyimpacted upon the person that I have grown to become.

If I were asked to define my life as a child, I guess that I

would best describe myself as having been a perpetual run-away, a person who was constantly in search of the signifi-cance that I was able to readily find at home.

RU N A W A Y • x i

DRAFTFacing Your Demons

ADMITTEDLY, I HAVE FOUND that trying to humbly, truth-fully, and respectfully tell one’s story can produce a surprisinglevel of anxiety. For this reason, I did have to ask myself, will Ibe strong enough to revisit past childhood hurts, personal mis-steps, shortcomings or old wounds, some of which may stillprove sore, with the degree of courage, honesty, and wisdomthat may be required?

The truth is, this whole idea was really that of my school age

friend Sal. Last year, at the 40 year anniversary of James Caldwell High

School student graduates he said, “Jonathan you should goahead and tell your story” that is, “where you started from inlife and how you were able to eventually get to where you nowfind your “self.”

Without even saying anything, I sensed that Sal knew

equally as well as I did that there had been a time in my lifewhen facing particularly hard times and poor choices seem-ingly made the possibility of my having a bright and promisingfuture look mighty bleak. After all, being a black, fatherless,poor, and skinny little kid was far from a golden ticket to a lifeof success in the mid-to-late 1960’s in typical small townAmerica.

1

DRAFTWell, after giving Sal’s idea some serious thought for about

two weeks, it occurred to me that his suggestion might actuallybe the best opportunity ever for me to finally ‘face my demons’by reflecting more intently on who I have managed to become,what I would like to do with the rest of my life, and mostimportant of all, how I intend to go about making sure that Ihave finally learned to stick to my guns when it comes to ach-ieving the very things that are most important to me at thisstage in my life?

Today, quite obviously there are plenty of kids out there in

the mean streets of many neighborhoods that have it muchtougher than I ever did. This I believe is largely because theseyouth lack the financial, emotional, social and spiritual sup-port made available to me during some of the most criticalstages of my development.

In light of this, I thought to myself, let me go ahead and

make an attempt to look for possible similarities embedded inmy past experiences in life with the hope that I can some howidentify useful personal frames of reference that may offerencouragement, hope, and generate alternative ideas for someof today’s youth. I also feel strongly that I owe this to the nextgeneration.

After all, each of us deep down inside has the need to do

more than to just exist or to simply get by in this world. Ourlives need to make sense to us first and foremost. On this, I feelconfident that we can all agree.

JD

2 • Jonathan Dunnemann

DRAFTOveractive and Underachieving

AS A CHILD, I proved to be far more than your average singlemother, on welfare and with two other kids could easilyhandle. I absolutely abhorred being still or staying put. For themost part, it simply felt unnatural to me.

My older brother Jeffrey and younger sister Michelle were

never as prone to acting out, failing to follow rules or to dis-playing a lack of self-control as much as I was. As a matter offact, I think that I got into enough mischief for all of us.

It is quite possible that they felt sorry for me on occasion

and wondered how one of their siblings could end up havingto be spanked more frequently than they brushed their teeth.The reality is that there simply was no stopping me and seem-ingly no limit to the pursuits of my wild imagination.

By today’s standards, I would quite easily have been labeled

as having attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Why today’sADHD diagnosis fit me so well that you could have includedmy portrait along with the definition as the most picture per-fect example.

If I thought about something long enough then the most

likely next step for me as the Nike slogan proclaims, wasto ”Just do it!” As an example, once a neighborhood friendcame over to my house with his new dart board and darts. Weimmediately went out into the backyard to hang the dart

3

DRAFTboard on a tree trunk and with great excitement beganthrowing darts at the colorful bulls-eye target. After seeminglyhours and hours of practice I mistakenly got it in my head thatI was darn good.

Impulsively and recklessly I thought that I could easily

strike the dartboard while my friend was still standing directlyin front of it. With his back to me and without any fore-warning, I threw one of the darts at the target. Regretably, itwent completely off mark and ended up piercing my friendsright earlobe sending him into a loud cry of agony and pain.

Clearly, I did not think about how I might be endangering

my friend. My very poor judgment and self-deception wasframed in wrongly thinking that I had somehow gained a levelof mastery over dart throwing that would allow me to performan incredible feat like those only seen on the television screenor done as part of a spectacular circus act.

Without a doubt, my friend’s parents concluded that I was

an absolute menous to society and as a result, I lost what forme was a close childhood friendship forever, and deservedlyso. I also got one hell of a beating from my Mother that after-noon equally well-earned.

There is probably a very good chance that my Mother may

have also thought that I was a little touched in the head but Ido not recall her having ever said anything as alarming as that.Heaven knows, I certainly put my Mother through a great dealas a kid.


DRAFTUnbeknownst to others, for this and other misdeeds, I was

sent to the in school guidance counselor and an out of schoolpsychologist all in an attempt to try and figure out once andfor all why I was so prone to being such a problem child.

My Mother did express concern from time to time that I

was going to be just like my father who she apparently believedwas no good and never would amount to anything.

She never did provide me with any more information than

that. I suppose the mere fact that he was not present in ourlives up to then could easily be viewed as sufficient justifica-tion for her negative position on the matter.

Some adults who were familiar with me would argue in my

favor with others that I was a likable and not at all an outrightmean-spirited kid. However, without a doubt, my judgementwas routinely poor and I often needed close supervision.

Unfortunately, there were a couple of other kids in the

neighborhood just as equally deficient in the area self-control.Since we all knew one another and much to the consternationof our parents we tended to gravitate toward each other withthe common prospect of creating an enormous amount ofexcitement for ourselves.

As is often said, mischief does seem to love company. Before long, the overwhelming recommendation by others

was to try and involve me in organized extra-curriculum activ-ities. Preferably, the sort that would require that I constantly

RU N A W A Y • 5

DRAFTpractice following rules, assimilate positive virtues, and whereI would be regularly exposed to more exemplary male rolemodels who were be apt to sit on me so to speak if I evenlooked like I was about to get out of line.

Of course, I initially resisted such efforts as much as possible

but the talented people that were inserted into my life wouldprove the better in successfully wearing me down, better chan-neling most of my enormous energy, and progressivelyguiding me completing all of my assigned tasks whether it wasin summer camp, weekly church activities or recreationalactivities at the YMCA were I regularly participated in arts andcrafts, swimming, and playing competitive basketball.

The combination of these efforts served to build my self-

confidence, facilitated my making new friendships, and servedto improve my ability to focus on tasks both inside and outsideof the classroom. As a result, my grades began movingupwards. It also became clear to me that no matter how goodan athlete you were, if your grades were not up to par then youcould not be permitted to enjoy the priviledge of participatingin school sports, or receiving the accolades and popularity thatoften comes along with being an athlete.

Being every bit the attention seeking sort of rascal that I was

and having reached the start of puberty, being counted out ofsports would never do for me. So, I was hooked on being agood athelete.


DRAFTDon’t let me fool you though, for the longest time I was still

tremendously overactive, albeit less prone to being an under-achiever in most areas.

RU N A W A Y • 7

DRAFTA Turning Point

ONE OF THE WORST habits that I picked up and struggledwith during my childhood, was the tendency to take thingsthat did not belong to me. A Psychologist’s might very wellrefer to this as poor impulse control.

Let me be blunt, I was a thief. On one occasion, my grandfa-

ther told a family whose house we were visiting for the eveningthat “if you have anything valuable laying around like moneyor jewelry then you had better put it up because my grandsonis a thief and given the chance he will steal from you!”

Was I embarrassed by his statement? Yes I was. Neverthe-

less, what my Grandfather said was true. I imagine that he alsofelt that publicly providing a very clear and cautionary mes-sage regarding my dishonest, selfish and untrustworthybehavior was still an important duty and responsibility that hehad to others.

Looking back, I came to realize that this behavior all started

with something as seemingly innocent as sneaking cookies outof my Grandmother’s cookie jar kept in the kitchen. This feattook plenty of repeated practice for me to actually perfectwithout detection. It represented a defiant refusal to accept therules defined by others or to self-regulate in way that allowedfor deferral of sensory gratification.

8

DRAFTIn time, I moved on to taking money from the purses and

wallets of immediate family that is until everyone finallystopped leaving their valuable things lying around within myline of sight.

These actions culminated with my shoplifting just about

anything and everything (i.e., candy, food, clothing, comicbooks, jewelry, and small electronic items) prior to formallybecoming a teenager.

Between age 10 to 12 years old I had been caught stealing a

number of times, sternly warned, and asked not to return tocertain places of business by store owners but it had not as yetresulted in any direct or serious consequences. Right now, youmay be wondering, how in the world could this have been thecase?

Well one afternoon, when I was in the eighth grade and

living with my grandparents, I finally got caught in a super-market by the store detective as I was trying to remove arecord album from beneath my coat so that I could place it ona shelf inside the store. I decided to take this action because Ithought that I may have been seen upon first attempting tosteal the item.

Yes indeed, I was “busted” and as a result, I got marched

straight to the business office where the store detective subse-quently contacted the police department and notified them ofmy inappropriate actions.

RU N A W A Y • 9

DRAFTThen, for the very first time, upon hearing the store detec-

tive state that he was going to drive me to the police station, Ibecame very scared over the consequences of my actions. Iassumed at that point that I would be arrested and ultimatelylocked up.

Once we arrived at the police station, the police contacted

my Grandfather informing him that while the supermarkethad decided not to press charges my Grandpa would still berequired to come over to the police station, sign some papers,and then pick me up and take me home.

Well guess what? My Grandpa refused to come and get me.

That’s right. He said, “you can keep my grandson there withyou over night!” “Maybe it will do him some good.”

What? Subsequently, I had to be driven back to my grandparents

house by the police in broad daylight for all the neighbors tosee with my Grandpa looking none to pleased as he stoodthere peering out of the front storm door of his house.

Now let me share a bit about my grandfather, Grandpa was

a professional barber who owned his business located in Mon-tclair, New Jersey. He was a very dignified and well respectedperson in the community where he worked as well as the onein which he lived. I think it fair to say that most people foundhim to be a man of few words.


DRAFTGrandpa never really had to say much because you could

generally tell what he was thinking or whether he approved ordisapproved of your actions simply by taking a good look athis face. On that particular day, his face seemed to say it all.“Boy, have you lost your mind?”

Later that same evening, we had dinner together as if

nothing had happened. When our meal finished, Grandpaproceeded to say, in a very matter of fact manner, “the policehave never been to this house before for any reason until todayJonathan, and today you brought shame upon our home herein the community by having them bring you home for shop-lifting which is a crime.” Furthermore, “stealing is somethingthat you have repeatedly been told by your Mother, Nana andI not to do.”

He followed up his proceeding comments with, “I want you

to have your suit case packed by first thing tomorrow morningbecause you cannot stay here in this house any longer.” Youwill have go back to living under your Mother’s roof.”

That was the end of what he had to say. That night, I didn’t sleep at all. The seriousness of the situa-

tion made it impossible for me to get the slightest bit of rest.The only thing that kept running through my mind over andover again was, “what have I gone and done?” Important toconsider but to late to be taken seriously.

The next morning, while we were in route to Montclair

from Caldwell, my Grandpa hadn’t said a single word and his

RU N A W A Y • 11

DRAFTprolonged silence was for me like being slowly tortured. Ididn’t know what to think. In fact, I couldn’t think straight.

When he finally did speak, it was to say “Jon you are 12

years old now and very soon you’re going to become a teen-ager. I think that it is about time for you to start thinking seri-ously about exactly what kind of man you want to grow up tobecome in life.” Frankly, I don’t think that I had even startedgiving this concept very much thought. Grandpa then said,“The choices that you are making right now are bad ones andif you go on making choices like the one that you made yes-terday then they are going to lead you right into a reformatoryschool or even worse straight to jail. I know that you’re not astupid kid.” “So, let me ask you this, is that what you reallywant for yourself?”

“Because you do not have a good relationship with your

Mother and your father is not present in your life, both Nanaand I decided to let you stay with us. But now, because of whatyou’ve done, you are going to have to live with the conse-quences of your actions and figure out for yourself how tomake the most of a situation that you have actually gone andmade worse.”

It was crystal clear Grandpa was deeply disappointed with

me. But, he still believed that I could take this poor conductand learn from my mistake if I really spent the right amount oftime thinking about what I wanted, what I needed to do differ-ently, and learn to focus more attention on making betterchoices going forward.


DRAFTIf those three things would help me to restore the good

graces with my Grandpa then I decided that was exactly what Iwas going to do. Because it didn’t take me very long to be ableto see for myself that absent Nana’s and Grandpa’s love andsupport, my life was going harder than I could possiblyimagine and that was frankly terrifying to me at the time.

As I grew older and came to recognize how worried

Grandpa was for me, I also came to more fully appreciate howhard it must have been for him to respond to my situation inthe way that he did. It was one of the most loving things thathe could have done for me and it proved to be the real differ-ence maker in my preadolescent turnaround.

According to Nana, at no time did Grandpa ever let go of

his hope for me. I thank you so much Grandpa for that. For the first time in my young life, not only did a feel like an

idiot but it also felt awful to see how badly I had destroyed theimportant trust and respect for my grandfather. I have alwaysremembered that seemingly long car ride back to my Mother’shome the next morning and even as I write this story I can stillhear Grandpa’s lingering words as if they were freshly beingspoken to me now.

When I walked back into my Mother’s house that day to

hear my Mother say to me that she always expected me to failand that once again I had to accept what seemed to me at thetime to be her extremely harsh disciplinary practices and pun-ishments, well I knew right then and there that I just could notresume living under her roof again. I had been out from under

RU N A W A Y • 13

DRAFTher reign for nearly one year and God bless her but she hadjust lost me to the world outside. I do not blame my Motherfor my behavior, character flaws or any of the decisions that Imade that may have contributed to the specific failures in mylife. What I gradually and eventually learned is that what reallymatters most in life is for each of us to hold ourselves account-able for our actions. No one else.

That day though, I decided to run away for the thirteenth

and final time never to return home to my Mother again. Sud-denly, I was less afraid primarily because I did not as yet knowwhat to be afraid of.

For the remainder of that year, I lived in a tree house, a dog

house, on local golf course benches and when possible alter-nated between friends homes for several days and even weeksat a time. All of this took place right within Caldwell, NewJersey.

During that period, I wore thankfully wore my friends

clothes and I was financially supported by their parents. I wasvery fortunate not to have experienced any harm or to havesuccumbed to doing further damage to myself or others. Allthat I can tell you is that more than anything else I wanted tosurvive and become good even if for the time being I had noidea just how I was going to accomplish that. In many ways, Iwas still largely surrounded by goodness and you can bet that Iwas clinging on to it tightly for my dear life.

When I finally ran out of good will, I ended up becoming a

ward of the State of New Jersey under the Division of Youth


DRAFTand Family Services (DYFS) and was eventually placed in aChildren’s Shelter located in Bellville, New Jersey for theremainder of that school year. Then in the summer of 1968,under the National Fresh Air Fund Program, I was sent awayto what turned out to be a poorly attended summer camplocated in Mountaindale, New York for the better part of thatsummer.

With plenty of time on my hands and not enough to do I

was fortunate to have been given a part-time job working in aJewish bakery (i.e., Friedman’s) where I learned how to makebagels and Halla Bread as a paid Baker’s Assistant.

In the afternoons and evenings, I played basketball with the

two older young men also working at the bakery; Barry whoattended Niagara University in New York and his youngerbrother, who was attending St Bonaventure University in NewYork. Nearly every day we played against other talented col-lege basketball players whose families were vacationing in theSullivan County area of upstate New York.

Truly, I was learning on my feet how to make the most of

my opportunities while also managing to stay out of trouble aswell as possible. I was introduced to alcohol, drugs and sex atthat time. None of these diversions ever came to dominate mylife because when I was removed from those surroundings Ialways seemed to return to my safe haven in Caldwell, NewJersey. That is not to say that these things could not be foundthere at the time as well. However, the difference was that thefriends and families that I was most familiar with were farmore protective over what their kids did, where they went, and

RU N A W A Y • 15

DRAFTwho they spent time with. As a result, I benefited from therecare and overarching concern as well. For the most part, myfriends and I were typically to busy to really get into too muchtrouble. We weren’t angels by any means but we were seri-ously afraid of really screwing things up for ourselves oranyone else for that matter.

Years later, back in the good graces of my grandparent’s,

during one of the many Sunday afternoon’s that I spent havingdinner at my Grandparents house I took the opportunity totell my Grandpa how much I loved him and how thankful Iwas for all that he had done for me throughout my childhood.Moreover, I let him know too, that if he had not shown me thetough love that he did when I needed it the most that I mightnot have been so driven later in adolescence to get into collegeor to see my studies through to completion with the hope ofone day making him feel very proud of me that I had thecapacity to learn from my mistakes.

My grandparents proudly attended my high school gradua-

tion from Clifford J. Scott High School in East Orange, NJback in 1973 and I continued to have a close and loving rela-tionship with them throughout my years at college includingmy travels to England, France, Italy, Germany and Austriaduring the summer going into my senior year at Holy CrossCollege located in Worcester, Massachusetts.


DRAFTBorn in Montclair but forever a Caldwell

‘Chief’

WITH THE SUMMER OF 1968 drawing to a close, I had noplace to return to other than back at the Bellville Children’sShelter in New Jersey. It remained unclear then where I wouldbe going to school during my forthcoming freshmen year ofjunior high school.

Going back home was no longer a viable option. I had offi-

cially become a foster child. My first preference was to return to Caldwell where my

closest friends were: John, Brian, Mark, Eddie, Ricky, Richie,Dave, Glen, Frank, Ken and others. I had an incredible psy-chosocial attachment to my community. It is there that I feltthe most connected, loved, and safest. I was also determined tosome how right my past, make good, and stand tall alongsidemy friends as a fellow champion either in some sport or otherarena of life before having to move on.

Back then, even when we weren’t all involved in the same

activities we still made it a point to support our buddies likeRichie, Glen and Dave Rice with their wrestling and we wereable to empathize with them during their crazy dieting prac-tices along with those hot showers that they would resort towalking through in their wet suits all in an effort to get them-

17

DRAFTselves down to their correct weight level just in time for theirupcoming wrestling match of that day.

At one point, in the late summer of 1968, I recall tele-

phoning and then begging a couple of male teachers to takeme in for just one year so that I could at least complete ninthgrade at Grover Cleveland Junior High School in Caldwell.However, it was not going to be possible because in each caseneither of these men were deemed to be able to provide a suit-able family atmosphere for a teenager.

Soon thereafter, it was my Mother who contacted the Gar-

lette family to ask them if it might be possible for me to livewith them. Their son John and I had been the best of friendsall throughout elementary school.

In my view, what my Mother did was very loving and sadly I

never found a way or the occasion to thank her. I wish that Ihad done so because she most certainly deserved to know thather humility and love was appreciated by me.

Thankfully, the Garlettes said yes making a second stay in

the Bellville shelter a very brief one. I then became enrolled at Grover Cleveland Junior High

School a week or two into the school year and in the end Icould not have been a happier camper.

John and I shared a bedroom together that year and it was

awesome being at the Garlette dining room table for everymeal with Mom, Dad and five other kids (i.e., Bill, Janet, John,


DRAFTJames and Eddie) from which their parents wanted to heareach kid regularly recap the special events of their day.

The amount of milk, bread, cookies and other food items

that we all went through every day would absolutely blow yourmind. Everyone was sure to see to it that I always had enoughto eat.

There were times during my early childhood that I can

recall going into the local supermarket and opening up bags ofchips and cookies and eating them right in the store because Iwas that hungry. As a family living on welfare assistance it wasrare for us to have a refrigerator full of food throughout theentire month. The last week of the month was always the mostdifficult and without store credit there were times when wewould have to go without anything more than bread, cheese,milk and peanut butter.

Mrs. Garlette’s French toast and stuffed peppers and

Spanish rice were among some of my most favorite mealswhile I lived with them. In fact, she served Spanish rice andstuffed peppers once a week just for me. She was a very kindand special lady!!! God bless her soul.

Mrs. Garlette would bring home clothes for me to try on

regularly. I have no idea where they came from but they usu-sally were a good fit. Those that were not became quickly gath-ered up by the rest of the guys in the house. No questions wereasked.

RU N A W A Y • 19

DRAFTOn occasion, Mr. Garlette would personally take me shop-

ping for clothes with the then very small clothing allowancethat the State of New Jersey provided for foster kid families ona quarterly basis.

The Garlette family made sure that I never wanted for any-

thing that year. I was very, very happy and I know that I wasloved by my new family. It was evident to me that having twoparents: Mother and Father created a completely differentdynamic in the home. The household operated more like ateam. As kids, we all had two coaches and one or the otherwas always present and we were equally accountable to both.Things ran more smoothly and you had the luxury of gettingtwo different perspectives on almost anything that came up.Consequently, you could always find much needed reassur-ance and so you really didn’t need to look outside the housefor it.

John loved music and so did Bill a trumpet player. John

introduced me to Sly Stone, Blood, Sweat and Tears, all of theBeatles albums, Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones, and theincredibly talented group YES. Even now, I am still very fondof music because it is something that can be shared with othersand it truly does sooth the soul. Listening to enjoyable musicoften helps me to escape from the demanding problems of theday.

Janet was and I am sure still is a very pretty, sweet, quiet and

smart lady. She served as a ‘Candy Striper’ at a nearby hospitalon Sunday afternoons and I always admired her for the com-


DRAFTpassion that she displayed by becoming a dedicated volunteerso early in her life.

Ever evening, Mrs. Garlette made herself available for

anyone that needed help with their homework. There wouldbe no excuse on anyone’s part for receiving poor grades. Weknew where to find the help that we needed and Bill as theoldest and Janet as an A-student both pitched in where pos-sible as well.

If my memory serves me correctly, I remember that Mr.

Garlette used to enjoy watching cartoons early on Saturdaymornings, while sitting in a folding chair and laughing outloud like Santa Claus which I thought was a little strangle atthe time. Though now, having become a senior citizen myself,I see his deliberate actions quite differently. They look farmore like an important chosen end of week release: a kind of‘humor therapy.’ What a very wise man Mr. Garlette showedhimself to be?

Yes, I was also blessed to be able to experience becoming a

Caldwell ‘Chief’ by playing football that fall for the first time inmy life which was all the more special for me given that myMother had always refused to let me do so. She felt that I wasto frail to play football. In reality, I probably was too skinnybut I found it really difficult to accept the notion that Icouldn’t do something especially if it in any way involvedbeing with my friends.

RU N A W A Y • 21

DRAFTOur Coach Ken Trimmer used to let Sal LaDonne and I race

each other along with the rest of the team at the end of everyday’s football practice.

We were the two fastest kids on the team back then. I guess

like every other boy I just wanted to know and I also wanted toprove to everyone else that I could measure up with anybody.

Honestly, I don’t think that I ever actually beat Sal in a foot

race but it sure was one great thrill for me being the only kidwho ever came close to keeping up with him.

Boy, could he move his feet. Something else that I remember is Coach Trimmer making

me run “sweep right 26 on 1” at least a dozen times in a rowduring football practice. I didn’t know it then but he wastrying to help me overcome the fear of getting tackled and atthe same time to widen my vision when running. During thenext game that we played he sent me in to run a play, youguessed it the “sweep right” and I actually gained yardage forthe team. In that special moment I could feel and hear thewhole team pulling for me and I wanted to do my very best.On that day someone gave me a fair chance and because theyhad prepared me they trusted that no matter what I might facethat I would be capable of doing well. That day, I learned thatmore than anything else all one ever really needs is to be givena chance and to know that they are trusted by others. Afterthat, I think I felt that I could take it from there. Thank you somuch Coach Trimmer for teaching me that invaluable lesson.


DRAFTBy now, I am pretty sure that you have begun to see how

much I loved what was and continues to be a very multi-ethnicand working class community just less than 40 miles west ofManhattan, New York.

Although I was black, being an athlete afforded me an

opportunity to break down some barriers to acceptance frommy peers as well as other members of the wider community.This fortunately extended to the rather delicate area of datingoutside my race. This was still very much forbidden at thetime.

Either I would have to invent a strategy for dating white

girls or there would be no dating girls at all for me. There wereno black or Hispanic girls my age in my school or elsewhere inthe neighborhood at the time.

There were some white girls and their parents that would

permit us to go to a dance or maybe even a movie together andof course there were others who wouldn’t think of allowingsuch a think to take place. I really think that their concern wasprobably more out of what others might think of them ratherthan their own outright dislike of black people or an actualmistrust of me in particular.

Those were simply the times that everyone was living in.

However, the race issue was never big enough in my life tomake me feel significantly less than anyone else. Thank you toAllison, Toby, Nancy, and Karen for the courage, friendshipand kindness that you all showed me as close social acquain-tances.

RU N A W A Y • 23

DRAFT For my age, I had become a fairly skilled basketball player.

As a result, both Jeff Edwards and I were invited by CoachTrimmer to practice with the Varsity players at James CaldwellHigh School at the end of our freshman season. This was avery special honor that Coach extended to at least one or twofreshman players every year.

Coach Trimmer kept a pretty watchful eye on me all of the

time as all truly caring coaches tend to do with their up andcoming athletic prospects. This is certainly another very goodreason today for young boys and girls to look at becomingactively involved in sports.


DRAFTUnconscious and Black

IN THE SPRING OF 1970, my older cousin Andre’ Deshongwho was also going through the Caldwell school system begantaking more of an interest in my life and in particular theextent to which I was lacking in an important sense of blackconsciousness.

Andre had recently become involved with a Black Men’s

organization (the Congress of African People (a nationalistorganization) located in East Orange, New Jersey that wasinspired by the dramatist, novelist and poet, Amiri Baraka(LeRoi Jones) from Newark, New Jersey then one of the mostrespected and widely published African-American writers. The leader of this east orange group, Balozi Zayd Muhammadwas also the head of the Pan African Organization (a unitedorganization of groups from the United States, the WestIndies, and the continents of South America and of Africa andof which the Committee for a United Newark and B.C.D. weremembers) an official NGO then affiliated with the UnitedNations.

Upon my first meeting with the organizations leader; Balozi,

I was asked a number of rather direct questions and I did notrecognize right in that moment that an elaborate and system-atic process of social indoctrination had begun on the dangersof being overwhelmingly influenced by Western EuropeanCulture and “white people” in general. I had not previouslyheard anyone speak in the manner that he did that day con-

25

DRAFTcerning the negative influences of western civilization. Iintimidated and intrigued at the same time. Balozi spoke withthe commanding authority of a father figure explaining to hisson some of the cold and hard facts of life.

Eventually, I would come to see Balozi as a very charismatic,

articulate, authority on African and Black American historywith seemingly sincere prophetic aspirations as a black person.At that time, there were ten other men living in his home. Allof them were strongly committed to black activism, entrepre-neurialism, and as they would often say, ‘nation building.’What the home did not have as yet was a local area youthactively being groomed to become a community organizer andleader in either one of the two existing high schools in thetown of East Orange. In a rather short period of time, I wouldbecome the first of their many intended ‘student recruits’.

Balozi went on to inform me that my cousin Andre had

spoken with him about the prospect of my becoming moreexposed to someone with his professional stature, knowledge,interest and experience in serving as a mentor to other blackmales. Moreover, he discussed with me the advantages thatexisted in gaining ongoing exposure to multiple role modelswho were attending colleges in the area, not to overlook thebroad range of programming that they had already begunsponsoring in the surrounding community through their part-nering relationship with Amiri Baraka’s Kawaida, a BlackMuslim organization which focused on African and BlackAmerican history, Swahili language, the mother tongue of theSwahili people, adherence with the teachings of Islam, African


DRAFTculture and wearing traditional dress, and the teaching of highlevel Martial Arts training in Chinese Kung Fu.

Surely you can imagine how overwhelming all of this must

have been to a fatherless fifteen year old black kid still com-pletely wet behind his ears. Right there, on that day, Balozioffered me a welcoming seat at his table and expressed to methat he would be willing to become my legal guardian and tothereby mentor me like his very own son.

Subsequently, to mark what he felt was our providential

meeting and my anticipated acceptance of his offer, Balozigave me an endearing new name: Akili. The meaning of thename Akili he explained is ‘Wisdom, intellect, sense’ in Swa-hili. With my head now swimming in the clouds, I left hishouse that day wondering what had just taken place?

The most significant take away from all of this for me was

that I no longer had to concern myself with trying to miracu-lously change into being white, republican or Christian tosymbolically become a person of worth or to gain economic,intellectual, political, social or spiritual acceptance and staturein America. So for me, it served as an absolutely myth defyingday.

RU N A W A Y • 27

DRAFTStepping Out of the Comfort Zone

ONE YEAR EARLIER YOU would of had to gag me, tie me up,and drag me away from the Garlette’s screaming and kicking,Caldwell, and pretty much all that I had ever known up to thatpoint in time. My cousin Andre’ had managed to single-hand-edly bring about a most significant change in my life and hehad done so in record time. Back then, I would do almost any-thing that Andre advised because I loved and admired himthat much. He was the oldest male cousin and grandchild inour family, and a born leader.

While it may have taken me a couple of weeks to fully run

deep into this new way of life, it had already begun to distorthow I came to view remaining under the tutelage of a whitefamily.

Regretfully, my departure from the Garlette household was

not a respectful or sufficiently graceful one. I mistakenlyexpressed unjustified dissatisfaction with continuing to liveunder their roof and did so projecting a considerable amountof misdirected arrogance. I may even have uttered a fewinsulting remarks in the final hours as a member of theirhousehold. Shame on me!

It was a mean, hurtful, and inexcusable thing to do. This is

something that I came to deeply regret.

28

DRAFTMany years later, I purposely revisited the Garlette house-

hold to thank them all for what they had done for me, the lovethat they provided to me, and to humbly ask them to pleaseforgive me for my past unappreciative and disrespectfulbehavior. True to their good nature, they were immensely kindand willing to do so. Mr. and Mrs. Garlette said that theynever thought any less of me over what happened because theywere able to understand how necessary it had become for meas a struggling youth to seek and eventually establish a sense ofpersonal identity. How about that?

More recently, I have been able to further express my love

directly to Bill, Ed, James and John, and I hope that Janet alsobecomes equally aware of how much I shall always love andtreasure the very special sisterly relationship that we sharedduring a very important time in my life.

Upon moving into my new place of residence on Lincoln

Street in East Orange, I discovered that I would be roomingwith a much older gentlemen, Kaymu (pronounced ki-e-mu).He explained to me that everyone was responsible for main-taining the home and for that reason we would be sharing allof the day-to-day chores based on a schedule of duties postedweekly.

I was expected to make my bed every day, do my own

laundry every week, wash dishes, and complete some of theoutdoor seasonal maintenance duties of keeping the groundslooking their best. These were things that I already knew howto do and had previously done under both my Mother’s andGrandpa’s direction once I became 10 years old. So, this all

RU N A W A Y • 29

DRAFTlooked to me to be a real piece of cake. Certainly, nothing thatI couldn’t handle.

There were no restrictions made on what school activities I

could participate in as long as they did not end up negativelyaffecting my grades. In fact, I was strongly encouraged to par-ticipate in other school activities besides sports. Some of theexamples that were given to me included the school news-paper, the student government, the black student union orpossibly the school debate team.

Lastly, it was explained to me that Balozi as a UN represen-

tative regularly invited first time visiting foreign officials fromother nations to his home, whereby he provided traditionaldishes and festivities, and transportation and security guardservices on an as needed basis. As a member of the household,I would be expected to be present for all of these gatherings, towork at learning to speak Swahili, to be mindful of the Muslimpractices of several members of the household, and lastly totake self-defense training classes under the organization’sSensi who was also living there in the home.


DRAFTGoing Global in the Summer of 1970

DURING THE SUMMER OF 1970, Kaymu was invited to attendthe United Nations International World Youth Conference onthe Environment to be held at McMaster University located inHamilton, Ontario. He had purchased two tickets hoping thatone of the other men in the house would be able to join him.Kaymu then decided now that he had a new roommate that Ishould be the first person to be asked to join him for thisnearly week long event. Even though I had never flown on aplane before and knew absolutely nothing about environ-mental issues what do you think I said when Kaymu asked meto accompany him? Why yes of course with no hesitationwhatsoever. In my mind, I was about to fast become a globalexplorer.

Together, we flew right out of JFK Airport in New York to

Ottawa, Canada and from there on to Ontario where I eagerlyattended every single session that Kaymu signed us up for. Asa result, we were able to meet people from all over the worldthat week.

Most of the workshops that we attended focused on issues

pertaining to West Africa. Because Kaymu was fluent inspeaking French, he easily made new friends with youth fromMali, Benin, Ghana, Liberia, Senegal and Nigeria. What aincredible experience that week proved to be for us both. Forme, it felt as though I was back at the New York World’s Fairall over again amidst people from all over the globe.

31

DRAFT There was one thing that I was a little uncomfortable with

but still unable to escape. Apparently, you could not truly call yourself a program par-

ticipant if you did not advance any questions, make any state-ments, or share any acknowledgement of current facts at thesessions. With that being the case, my roommate and newestmentor insisted that I come up with at least two questions toask in each and every English speaking presentation that wewere scheduled to attend. I did manage to do so despite myreluctance.

Later in the year, upon review of some reporting on the

event, we discovered that at age 15, I was the youngest personto attend the conference. Overall, the average age of theattendees ranged between 21 and 35 years old. The WorldYouth Conference on the Environment experience greatlyexpanded my sense of wonder and excitement about the worldin which we live.

Shortly after we returned to New Jersey, Balozi was sched-

uled to host a dinner at home for Julius Kambarage Nyerere aTanzanian politician who served as the first President of Tan-zania followed by a another dinner for Jomo Kenyatta the firstpresident of Kenya and a prominent independence leader.

Several of us went to JFK Airport to welcome our guests to

the United States and then transported them by limousinefrom New York to New Jersey and then back to the hotels thatthey were staying at during their brief visit to the United


DRAFTNations and for their other stops at landmark locations in NewYork City.

RU N A W A Y • 33

DRAFTWelcome to Clifford J. Scott High

School

MY ENTRY INTO TENTH grade at Clifford J. Scott High Schoolwas as that of a youth inspired. Not only did I want to but Iactually believed that in some way I could change the world.Absent from my mind at the time, was any concept of personallimits.

The embers of promise were afoot in my heart however my

size eleven feet ended up becoming entangled on the footballfield one Saturday afternoon against our opponent in Roselle,New Jersey as I tried to tackle a player then returning the ballon a kickoff. The outcome was that I ended up fracturing myright ankle.

The hard cast that I wore was supposed to remain on my

ankle for a total of eight weeks. However, I impulsivelydecided to cut it off two weeks early with a dull steak knife sothat I could start getting myself in shape in time for junior var-sity basketball tryouts that year.

Not at all in peak form, I still managed to survive Coach

Brian Hill’s cut. This is the same Brian Hill who went on tobecome the head coach of the Orlando Magic from 1993 to1997 and is the Magic’s most successful coach with a record of191–104. During that time period, he led the Magic to theirfirst NBA Finals in 1995 and also led the team to a 60-22

34

DRAFTrecord the following season. Coach Hill once told me that hethought I could go on to become a good college basketballplayer based on the sound fundamental skills that I displayedat the time as a high school sophomore. He also strongly urgedme to concentrate on one sport. Unfortunately, I did not heedhis sage advise and as result I failed to ever progress to myfullest potential as a player. Many times, I have looked backand wished that I had taken his words to heart. Who knowswhat might well have been?

That year, our J.V. team was pretty talented and at the tail

end of the season I got the chance to play in two varsity gamesone being for our team’s birth in the Essex County tourna-ment where I started at the forward position.

Another activity that I became involved in that year was the

“Bagpipe”, our school newspaper where I filled the role ofreporter. Below, I have included a number of brief articleswhich show how my home environment had begun to shapemy developing social, cultural, and political thinking.

Blacks, Be Proud! Make Your Future! In America today we-the young-have become the deter-

miners as our forefathers were the founders. And our children,instead of becoming inheritors, will become victims of societyunless we young brothers and sisters unite to give importanceto the basic belief that ALL men are created equal.

Many Afro-Americans have the weakness of leaning on,

easing up, watching thereby failing to pursue no further,

RU N A W A Y • 35

DRAFTsaying that as long as Mr. I. M. White is at the top, he will notlet them have and hold onto nothing. But we have our identity,our purpose, and our direction; now we must strive for andmaintain our future-speaking, creating, naming, and definingfor ourselves instead of being spoken for and defined byothers.

In 1936, Jesse Owens won the hurdles relay in the Olympics

in Germany. Adolph Hitler refused to shake his hand andwalked out of the stadium. Since then great men like JesseOwes have symbolized blacks rising in America. In our ownlifetime Martin Luther King, Jr. lived what Patrick Henry gaveonly lip service to: “Liberty or Death.” He died leading us tothe mountain top. If we are to ever go down the other side ofthe mountain, if the many failings of our forefathers are to beamended, then we must fulfill our dreams together.

Blacks come to understand that you are lovers and sons of

lovers, warriors and sons of warriors, poets and sons of poets,and all the loveliness here in the world. A brother recentlysaid, “I’m going to tell it like it is.” Black brothers we are onour way to greatness. We have learned that in order to love wemust love who and what we are.

We now know and will remember that there is no such

thing as nigger. Rise up and reach out, Black America, towarda better tomorrow.

Here is one other example, Think, People, Think! Love Opens Your Life


DRAFT Hey world, can you tell me why is it… Why is it our great

black artists, our writers, our poets, and our other images donot become more dominant images, but a day I had used? Webelieve our life after death is our children and our great works.Thus our black poets die from not being read. Our images diefrom society causing erosion of their minds. Most poetsseldom die from overexposure.

Brothers and Sisters: Those of us who are thought to be

wise, but are always criticizing, are a severe blow towardsbrothers and sisters who have yet to get an assist which pavesthe way to their greatness. This is simply because we talkwithout really conveying to the outside what we really feel onthe inside. I’ve learned a great deal in this last year about mypeople and about myself. Why we are here and what is ourfirst cause. I’ve just recently learned what it means to be abrother, a nationalist. With this knowledge, I now know thatbrothers and sisters can no longer be silent, unconsciousrobots. You must establish a voice along with a combinedunion. I have also yet to change yet to change because I do notshow what I truly feel. However, this does not mean I shouldnot help others as well as myself to begin do so.

Think Progress—How can this school grow? The same as

the body-through experience, development, and great expecta-tions. Think, people, think! Black people, think-think black!You don’t grow in one day; it takes many years. We can get ittogether and get on the go for love, which can open our livesand make it possible for us to taste the very sunlight of Life.

RU N A W A Y • 37

DRAFTIt is safe to say, that all-in-all, steady progress was being

made on my part in adapting to my new learning environmentand without much concern over where it might eventuallylead me.


DRAFTBecoming Too Big for Your Own

Britches

BY THE TIME MY junior year rolled around, I had decided notto play football that season. Instead, I chose to fully concen-trate on being Co-Editor-in-Chief of the Bagpipe along withmy good friend Thurston Jeff Waller who upon graduationfrom Clifford J. Scott High School went on to attend Yale Uni-versity, where he succeeded in becoming an honor student, anoutstanding middle linebacker, and became the Captain of theYale football team in his senior year.

Jeff was sincerely committed to furthering student knowl-

edge about the dangers of drugs and I was equally as interestedin keeping the paper culturally relevant given the increasingnumber of African American students enrolling at the school.The contrast in ideas between Jeff and I produced an inter-esting and current paper.

Take a look at the first article written by Jeff that appeared

in the April 1971 issue; TJW Speaks Many weeks of training in how to put a newspaper together

will result in an editorial board take-over by next year’s juniorscome the June issue of the school newspaper. As one of thetwo Editors-in-Chief of the new BAGPIPE, I will stand for two

39

DRAFTthings: exposing the evils of drugs on young people anduniting the races for the common good of all students at ScottHigh School. Drugs ARE evil. Beautiful people ruin their livesbecause of them. They only keep the taker-whether black,white, or yellow-down. Certainly no aware person would everdeny life to himself or to the others he pushes drugs on. A neweditorial policy will stress a positive action against any forcewhich seeks to destroy us by drugs or any other means.

The article which I wrote for that same issue of the paper is

included below; To Deal Truth Habari Gani (How are you in Swahili)? Next year I’ll speak in each issue-pushing the program,

dealing with facts: relevance, truth, values. People: to make society better, let’s learn to live together,

sweat together, love together. Understand, that I’m out to help you appreciate culture-not

to force it upon you, not to say one heritage is more importantthan another heritage but to help you discover the uniquenessof each cultural inheritance. I’m out to do my job.

Tanajaribu Kuw Wensi Tu! Because I am black and proud, I want nothing more than to

share my black consciousness, my self-identity, my self-deter-mination with you. A United Nations International WorldYouth Conference membership qualifies me to tell you what’s


DRAFThappening before it happens. UNIWYC presented “Les BalletAfrican,” and some were able to attend. Stokely Carmichaelspoke at Symphony Hall, and many heard him. And from thistime on, this paper will make you aware of many more stimu-lating affairs. Now, let’s hold onto this feeling. Being quiet-not-involved-keeps us subdued. In the spirit of Brotherhood, Ipledge to you a most soulful stand. In friendship we will rideour freedom train together. As I awake with spiritual vibra-tions, so shall I rouse all of you to join in a new and importantawakening at Clifford J. Scott High School.

Now it would be remiss of me not to also mention another

person who worked on the school paper as a reporter thatyear, James Johnson. James went on to attend Columbia Uni-versity where he majored in journalism and upon graduationwent to work as a news correspondent for the New YorkTimes. I think that out of everyone that became involved withthe Bagpipe, James was the individual who most stayed true tohis original calling; a love for writing and the press. James is afine person and has always been highly regarded by all for hisgreat character.

East Orange Parly Airs Student Gripes Later that same year, I led a student strike committee at

Clifford J Scott High School and participated in negotiationswith School Superintendent Russell Jackson, following a two-day student boycott of classes. There was no violence or van-dalism during the strike which included close to 400 of theschool’s 1,000 students. Although the school was fastbecoming a predominantly black our demands “had no direct

RU N A W A Y • 41

DRAFTracial overtones.” In fact, one school administrator stated,“The demands were so routine that at first we thought theywere a smoke-screen for something else.” The demandsinvolved dances open to non-students, less police supervisionand an open gymnasium school, creation of a student studyhall from which students could sign out and the official estab-lishment of a student faculty grievance board.

Racial tensions however had surfaced during the previous

school year, when a boycott took place by white students overan assembly-honoring Martin Luther King, Jr with no majorproblems having erupted. Students also complained of findinghair and insects in cafeteria food, unsanitary shower facilitiesand often finding rest rooms locked. “In addition, they com-plained of “teacher apathy” and asked that teachers replacepolice in supervising social activities. Then the HonorableMayor William S. Hart and Board of Eduction membersRichard Davis and Mrs. Reuter met with us in an effort toassist us in resolving our grievances.

Here is another article that I wrote for the Bagpipe a few

months after the student boycott was ended: Harambee Kwa UMOGA (Celebration of Unity) Habari

Gani (Greetings), Njema Sante (Good morning), As we begin a new year, we hope to develop a totally new

commitment to the understanding of the Afro-American per-sonality. We must develop a self-awareness and self-disciplineto work beyond the 6 1/2 hour day in every aspect of our (stu-dents or teachers) dedication. This means appreciation for an


DRAFTunderstanding of Afro-American roles: parents, students,family, neighbor, teacher, nation, and race.

The question today is whether or not we can still develop

healthy attitudes towards the sharing of knowledge, love, andpossession. We need to be committed to those purposes whichadvance the cause of all people of color. Blacks today find itdifficult to keep needed values. A value system gives us threethings: a predictability of behavior pattern, and ultimateauthority to which we submit, a means of securing us from ourold ways. All people must accept values for the creation of nat-ural life styles and development of belief in, need for, and willto become black and educated, each relating himself to thosethings both relevant and beneficial to self. We must developourselves on four levels: self-determination, self-respect, self-awareness, and self-discipline. Our historical past can give usinspiration and information; it can inspire us to move, provideus with the necessary life drive to want to find out more aboutourselves, and inform us in those areas that are new.

All of our knowledge is based upon tradition and reason.

There are plenty of false interpretations of past human events;but no knowledge is new, only its arrangements and applica-tion are different. Therefore, we must know our culture.Without it we shall cease to exist. Together we must create anew way of life for our children and rise up and look at theworld as a strong Black people.

After several months of working very closely together and

growing our friendship, I would like for you to kindly take an

RU N A W A Y • 43

DRAFTadded look at what my Co-Editor-in Chief wrote at that pointin time;

Prepare For Future Now! Clifford J. Scott High School is a school long forgotten, a

school which hasn’t always had the financial means needed togrow and recently has had to go through more monetary ago-nies than ever. The time to prepare for the future is now! Wehave no time for B.S.A.‘s. We must go directly to the source ofpower and get it working for the powerful people who aren’tafraid to say their name in Swahili or to say I’m black andproud or to say I’m white and willing. The students of Scottare seeing their problems and dealing with them directly. Thebrothers and sisters of tomorrow aren’t willing to wait for theopportunity to crack the system of “bow down black man” orto ignore the wrongs of the system. The change must comenow, so the brothers and sisters, black or white, won’t have tosuffer injustices. If so changed the black brother will put downhis twenty ton black handled ax. He will then understand him-self. He will then be able to compete with anyone. He will thenhave an equal chance, no more, no less. The depressed peopleof the world are watching the U.S.A., and the eyes of the com-munity are constantly surveying Scott.

The message above was brave, bold and highly progressive

talk from my more conservative friend at the time and meritscholar. His words made me feel truly honored to be hisfriend.


DRAFTAlthough it was quietly kept, I had to relinquish my title as

Co-Editor-in Chief in my junior year because my grades werenot up to par. Jeff took over as the sole Editor-in-Chief thefollowing January and I went back to just being a reporter. Butinstead, of spending more time on my studies I becamecoerced by my legal guardian to start a new club: the B.C.D.which stood for Black Community Development an existingcommunity organization, which had received internationalstatus within the United Nations. The chairman, Balozi ZaydMuhammad, and also my foster parent was a representative ofthe N.G.O., O.P.I and the Executive Committee. He was thefirst Black to ever hold this position at the UN. The highschool already had a B.S.U. which stood for Black StudentUnion and many questions were now being asked about thedistinction between the B.S.U. and the B.C.D. Essentially, thenew B.C.D. club was launched to promote and instill in theBlack students at Clifford J. Scott and the Black community atlarge a dedication to self-discipline through self-determina-tion, self-respect, and self-awareness. One that emphasizedAfrican American culture, customs, and history.

The activities of the club were never anti-white but were

definitely pro-black. This included the wearing of African tra-ditional dress; dashikies and bubbas, the use of African namesand languages, wearing the Natural (Afro), amongst otherexternal characteristics, all this being aimed at enabling theyoung Black to have a feeling of pride for self and for one’srace. This initiative did not endear me with a number of theother Black students. In fact, some thought that what I haddone was actually disunifying. I began to feel as though I didnot need to draw any more attention to myself. But that is

RU N A W A Y • 45

DRAFTexactly what transpired when I authored a poem that appearedin the Bagpipe titled, “TELL EM BOUT IT!”

‘Tell’ em ‘bout it’ Black is something that’s out of sight: it

was, is and always will be beautiful. Some people can only digit on an emotional level. While we are the ones who, you see,are Black, proud, and determined one day to be free. We feelBlack is best ‘cause it’s different from the rest. Why, Black wasso hip that it made whitey flip. So he brought us here in chainsand chose Negro for our name. (The Spanish word meaningblack.) He deculturalized and colonized us. We unlike anyother ethnic group had no land and no language, how can weidentify ourselves with the word Negro? There is no landcalled Negro, nor language called Negro language nor Negros-if you can dig it.

Well, now we know your game and have agreed that you

ain’t just crazy but definitely insane. You see, Black has gottento be so cool now that it makes whitey look like the fool.Although he helps himself. So don’t mess with us if you can’thandle the stuff. ‘Cause today we’re together in any type ofweather. If you try it again it might be your end. Whitey, it’sabout time you opened up your eyes; It’s time for you torealize That our day is almost here and Nation Time is verynear. So get all your weapons and make sure you have enough‘Cause from you, sucker, we ain’t goin’ take no stuff. We’ve gotit now-the power of the head. So look out, whitey, in an houryou may be dead. With leaders as strong as Muhammed Ali,we know our people shall one day be free. Well, dig here: whatcan you say, what can you do? We learned all this coming


DRAFTfrom you. And now it’s backfiring and coming back at you.Hey, white sucker, ain’t that hip?

Reading this now, causes me to pause and say oh my gosh.

That was one fairly riled up young black fella back then. Mygoodness….

“Student’s poem causes stir” That is the title that ran in the local town newspaper fol-

lowing the City of East Orange Council Meeting where thisissue was taken up with the Clifford Scott principal AndrewBobby, Bagpipe adviser Leonard Hooper, and a group ofparents. City Councilman Francis Craig called the poem“racist and inflammatory,” and City Councilman WilliamThomas claimed he was “appalled” by the piece of poetry. EastOrange Mayor William S. Hart said he had not read the entirepoem, but stated, “Children shouldn’t be allowed to printwhatever they want.” “I think racial harmony is vital and I hateto see any slurs. I don’t want anyone degraded at all. I alsodon’t think a principal should allow school papers to get out ofhand to the point where racial slurs might be printed,” Mr.Hart added. Today, as an adult and having been a parent oftwo boys, I do not think that this poem should have been per-mitted to be published in a public school newspaper. There’snothing wrong with writing to explore one’s feelings, frustra-tions and questions about the challenges of life or injustices inany manner you like. But it does not mean that it should begranted an audience in all forums.

RU N A W A Y • 47

DRAFTAs it turned out, the parents of a number of my closest

friends at school were equally disappointed over the wordsused in the poem and its tone and they were sure to let meknow about it. I am certainly grateful for that as it helped meto better understand my responsibility to others. I truly doregret the ill feelings that the poem produced and I apologizeto all for the poor judgement that it demonstrated on my part.Most significant of all I would like for people to know that Iout grew the kind of thinking expressed in that poem. At thetime, I had fallen subject to too strong an influence by others.Ironically, this was the very thing that I was trying to avoid bycontinuing to live exclusively with a white family. Go figure!

In my opinion, I had become a little too big for my britches

and I am thankful that this was pointed out to me by others,for the manner in which it was pointed out to me for the mostpart, and for the people who cared enough about me andeveryone else to challenge what was being so loudly conveyedby me at that time in my life.

My personal and public inquiry into the nature of what it

meant to be a young Black American was still an importantcomponent of my rite of passage as an adolescent attemptingto transition into young adulthood. Fortunately, the emphasison Black consciousness did not end up becoming an allencompassing or permanent worldview subscribed to by me.Because it was clearly short on humility, inclusion, love, peaceand understanding.


DRAFTTargeted Stabbing

SADLY, THERE WOULD COME a time in the spring of 1972 thatI was so disliked by some students that the word was out that Iwas going to be physically attacked. Well, one of my closestfriends, Gregory Reeves besides playing football and being aswimmer was also a member of the gleek club and was goingto be performing in the upcoming Spring concert. As goodfriends do, a number of us turned out to support him. Bothteachers and football coaches were on hand as well.

Before the concert was over word began to spread throughthe audience that this was the night that I was going to finallyget my butt handed to me. When the concert ended severalathletes, coaches and teachers accompanied me outside wherea number of guys were waiting for me. As one of the footballcoaches asked what they wanted one kid ran up behind meand just as he was about to stab me in the back our shopteacher, Robert Wright grabbed him and effectively removedthe knife from his hand. Thank God for Mr. Wright’s presenceof mind and fast reflexes. Mr. Wright had also been a youthcounselor at the Bellville Children’s Shelter while I was thereand he actually taught me how to dunk a basketball and nowhere he was, in a split second he had quite possibly saved mylife. Thank you so much Mr. Wright. Wright won the battlethat day for sure.

Quickly, one of the football coaches who was also a gymteacher began speaking to everyone present about how crazythis situation was and how serious it could have been ifsomeone had been injured. Then he left it up to me to decide

49

DRAFTwhether I wanted to report the incident or simply drop thematter with the hope that everyone would go home and thinkabout how everyone’s life could have been tragically changedin an instance. I said that I just assume we forget about thewhole thing. The other kid apologized, we all shook hands,and everybody went home. The kid who was going to stab mewas also black, someone who was constantly in trouble, andrarely stayed in school. That night this kid came close tochanging his life and mine possibly forever. There must havebeen at least twenty witnesses to everything that transpired soin retrospect that kid got a huge break along with a chance tochoose another path for himself going forward.

While the kid who attempted to attack me eventually

dropped out of school altogether he never presented anotherproblem for me or any other kid at the high school. This hap-pened to be someone who simply did not like me for a verylong time and he made it known to lots of other students. Iwas his target stabbing that dark night but we both got thechance to walk away and see the light of a better day. I hopethat his journey became much clearer and smoother from thenonward.

That night I am pretty sure that none of us knew whetherthere was something more in store for our lives. Maybe youare even wondering why you’re here now at this particulartime in the cosmos. This is what the French call your raisond’etre, an organizing principle and sense of direction that givesshape and meaning to your life. I would simply say that afteran experience like the one I’ve just described, whenever youget a second chance that you should do all that you can to


DRAFTmake absolutely sure that you do not squander it! Becausesomething very meaningful likely awaits you.

Of course that experience definitely shook me up inside fora long time. I could not recall having ever done anything bador wrong to this individual. I never competed against him inany sport, or tried to date the same young lady. How could itbe that someone could dislike me so strongly that they wereprepared to stab and maybe even kill me?

It made me strongly question everything that I had been

doing since becoming enrolled at Clifford J. Scott High School,and then almost overnight I no longer wanted to be involvedin anything. It just didn’t seem to be worth the emotionalinvestment anymore. As a result, I became a guarded and lessextroverted person. Maybe, some things happen in our livesprecisely so that we are better able to get in touch with beingstirred up, awakened, and possibly made ready to respond toboth the mysterious and miraculousness. But I certainly didn’tknow truly what to think at that time.

What happened that night will forever be a mystery to mebut the outcome regardless of the angle from which I look at itwas certainly a gift.

RU N A W A Y • 51

DRAFTSenior Year A Breeze

IN MY SENIOR YEAR at Clifford J. Scott High School it feltgood not to have the Bagpipe, the B.C.D. club, or dreamsbelonging to someone else to carry upon my back and therewas also the added letting go of remaining in a house witheleven other men. Thank you very much.

So my last year in high school ended up including just threethings, football, basketball, and an all out full court press onstudying hard enough to pull up my grades more so that Icould possible gain admission to a decent college and where Icould pursue my developing interests.

One of our most talented football players on the team,Daniel Butler and his Mother, Mrs. Jessie Butler, felt for quitesome time that I a needed a far more nurturing home setting.

Mrs. Butler as a working single Mother was very gracious,

loving, and happily became my 3rd and final legal guardianwhile I was still at Clifford J. Scott High School. I was blessedwith the opportunity to continue living with the Butler familythroughout most of high school and on up until I graduatedfrom Holy Cross College with a B.A. in Sociology in May of1978.

Danny was later the best man at my wedding in June of

1980 and my 23 year old son is also named Daniel partly out offond memories of my friendship with Danny.

52

DRAFTAwakening

INNER AWAKENING CAN OCCUR quickly and suddenly or itcan take place gradually over a long period of time. I haveexperienced it more as the latter.

The very first time that I can recall experiencing any sort of

religious or philosophical epiphany was on an occasion inwhich I was lying on my back in the infirmary at Holy CrossCollege with possible flu-like symptoms.

Maybe it was as a result of having to yield myself to the

overwhelming effects of illness and experencing how poorhealth can adversely impact one’s ability to keep up with theirstudies.

“Burning the candlestick at both ends” by partying to much,

going to the gym nearly every day to play basketball, and regu-larly lifting weights on off days was taking up to much timeand exacting a heavy toll on my body. Finally, there I was laidout, flat on my back and surrendering to an overdue reflectivestate of mind. In that moment, for the first time, I began tosense a new and deeper perspective.

In what is still nearly indescribable, something seemed to be

alerting me to the reality that I was way out of alignment withwhat is affirming, blissful, ceaseless, vision-led and centered.

53

DRAFTWhether what was being felt was coming from within or

outside of me was not yet clear. Something that I couldn’tquite put my hands on had been eluding me for a long timeand worse yet, may have been contributing to my falling out ofbalance beyond the physical level. Rather, at a deeper soul-feltlevel. I have never forgotten that very unusual experience.

There have been times in which I have tried to return to the

keen awareness that arose in me that day. The soft-light filledthe room, the dust particles that seemed infinite, and every-thing else seemed ordered in some strange way. There admistthe sounds of busy activity in the background was this pre-dominant round the clock attention on everyone’s part to pro-viding me with attentive and supportive care.

Did any of those elements of awareness represent the pre-

conditions for experiencing the deepest perception of life inthe moment? I didn’t know then and admittedly, I am notsure that I quite know now. But, I am hope-filled, and nowactively seeking greater understanding and wisdom.

What I do know though, is that I left that infirmary

somehow different than when I entered it. I’m not referringhere to the lifting of my symptoms. No. At some point, whilethere in the infirmary I received an infusion of ‘spirit’ on somelevel. It seems to have been a slow release acting dosage whichended up enlivening me and propelling me forward for thenext two years of college though a period of unusually highproductivity ultimately yielding very favorable outcomes.


DRAFTAnd then what? Somewhere along the way, I must have taken another wrong

turn, possibly blowing out one or more of my virtues, and thenI ended up running of-track, broken again, lost, out there inthe middle of Nowheresville. Once again, without answers.

I just hate it whenever that ends up happening. How about

you? Part of this whole awakening thing seemed to entail step-

ping away from the familiar or being set apart from the ordi-nariness of common practices. For this to begin, some howyou must be willing to take a leap whether it be forward, side-ways, up or down only you will know. But there is a call torespond by moving away from the place or position of yourpast.

Effectually and effectively you must then decide to go your

own way!

RU N A W A Y • 55

DRAFTGraduate School or Work?

UPON GRADUATION AND HAVING been accepted into TheMaster of Arts (Religious Studies) program at the ChicagoTheological Seminary (CTS), I intended to pursue the two-year graduate program as a foundation for service in youthcounseling. Owing to the lack of financial resources, I madethe decision to defer my admissions for one year in an effort togain some work experience and save money.

A very good friend of mine, Robert Landes happened toshare my situation with his father then President/CEO of hisown international company and he offered to help me bysecuring an interview for me with representatives of ARAFood Services in Philadelphia, PA. Weeks later I was offeredmy first job working as a trainee in the hospitality industry atNewark ‘s United Hospital located in an area of Newarkdefined by Central Avenue and West Market Street in thecity’s West Ward. I stayed in that job position for eightmonths before securing a higher paying job working for IrvingTrust Company at One Wall Street in New York City. I startedthere working on the grave yard shift which after one yearabsolutely did not agree with me physically.

In the spring of 1979, I went out on the evening of May 24th

to a house party in East Orange with my then roommate, JanPeter Mitchell, who was also a former student at Holy CrossCollege and now attending Seton Hall University Law School.The party was being given for both Seton Hall University Law

56

DRAFTSchool and Seton Hall University Medical School students. Iwas neither and thus, Pete’s guest.

That night, I met the lovely Wilda Iris Smithers who was

attending Seton Hall University Medical School in Newark.After six months of dating we became engaged and another sixmonths later we were married on June 14, 1980 at MacedoniaBaptist Church, her families home church for many yearslocated in Lakewood, New Jersey.

An attempt was made on my part a few years later to revisit

pursuing my original objective after college by applying toDrew Theological School. I was accepted and at the time oneof their requirements was that all full time students must waslive in a dormitory setting on campus in Madison, New Jersey.By now, this was no longer an appealing lifestyle for my newbride who had experienced so many years of living in crampedquarters while pursuing her medical education and continuingprofessional training.

It seemed then that maybe the time had now come for me to

permanently part with past aspirations altogether especially ifwe had any serious plans of growing our family in the nearfuture. All of a sudden, my life-style of working man, husband,and eventually father began operating for the longest on auto-pilot. Our life was not without bumps, bruises and minor colli-sions like most other young families.

Final Destination, not quite clear yet due to remaining fog-

like conditions.

RU N A W A Y • 57

DRAFTTaking a Leap of Faith

BACK IN JANUARY OF 1990, I took a position as the opera-tions manager on the night shift at Bankers Trust CompanyNew York located at 130 Liberty Street on the 36th floor inNew York City. It was a difficult time for the organization thenundergoing enormous cuts in their business activities,including global sales, operations, product management, creditand technology.

Early on, I had some personal doubts over whether or not I

had what it takes to be successful in such a large organization.At the time, Bankers Trust Company New York was still the7th largest bank in the country and I was coming from TheFirst National Bank of Toms River, New Jersey which later onMay 25th, that same year filed for bankruptcy protection. Fed-eral regulators had declared the bank insolvent after a loss of$165.8 million dollars in 1990. 5,000 shareholders in the bank,holding 9.6 million shares lost their holdings in the company.The bank that had served the community for 110 years wasnow gone. First National Bank of Toms River was a victim ofthe Savings and Loan Crisis. It was ranked 19th (in the State ofNew Jersey) during the crisis in size, according to a book valueof assets at $1.36 billion dollars.

With a young child at home, a wife, and a newly built

custom home failure was not an option to be considered.What I needed more than anything else was a solid and triedbridge for crossing over the great divide between the person

58

DRAFTthat I had been up until then and the ‘full metal man’ that Ineeded to hurry up and transform into for the benefit of myfamilies safety, security and well-being.

Was I scared? Yes! What did I do about it? Well I wasn’t sure then if I really

believed in God but I decided to pray like I did anyway askingto be led through all of the upcoming difficulties of working atnight, commuting back and forth by car from Lakewood, NJ toNew York City everyday, while getting as little as 4 hours ofsleep, and having to perform under tight deadlines in this newand tremendously fast-paced business environment where bil-lions of dollars in client deposits were being processed everyday and the potential for both financial and reputational riskto Bankers Trust Company loomed large when and if thingswere not consistently done properly and on time.

After a few months into the new job, I literally let go of all

thoughts of being in control. I took one giant ‘leap of faith’and let the mysterious power of the divine carry me forwardthrough it all from that day forward.

Miraculously, the majority of it, which was good enough for

me, was met with high productivity and favorable outcomesfor mnay of the people around me, my family and myself. Ofcourse there were mistakes made here and there but theydidn’t break my spirit, my confidence, or my will to succeed.Even in those few instances involving the most difficult of cir-cumstances, I chose to be guided by compassion, honesty,humility, and by showing kindness and respect for others.

RU N A W A Y • 59

DRAFT Looking back now, I can say that this was one of the most

intense periods of prayer in my life but it is also representsanother significant rest stop or ledge to which I often return insearch of important spiritual forensic clues on how to recon-nect with the immanent-the sacred and to regain a measure ofspiritual strength to light my path when I am about to fall deepinto the dark night.

Once I am able to identify previously undiscovered evidence

of the divine, and it seems that I always am able to do so, itaffords me a renewed sense of awe, hope, love, strength andwonder—enough to go on weathering the prospect ofincoming storms for that particular time and place.


DRAFTA Dream Deferred

WHAT HAPPENS TO A dream deferred? Maybe like an untreated ailment it turns into cancer, then

slowly and steadily it begins to rob you of an organ or in thecase of a dream, you may end up being deprived of yourawareness of an essential talent: “Your giftedness.”

For more than forty years, I have had the good fortune of

being shown by others how to do a great many things. I mustconfess to all that I have bungled a good many things too, butthe one thing that I regret not learning well or much earlier inlife is how to really love. Because of this, I believe that I ended-up contorting myself into someone unlovable. I have come toknow first hand that if one persists in side-stepping being for-mulated into loving-kindness then they will most assurrredlyhave a tendency to carelessly, mistakenly, and unnecessarilyhurt others. This should be avoided with great effort.

It really was not until after losing our first child, Jonathan at

eleven years old, followed by accepting the reality of having tolive as an adult with anxiety and depression, and nearlydestroying my marriage multiple times that I desperatelybegan looking for the more enduring answers that I neededand that no one else could provide for me.

Today, I am capable of confirming for myself when I am

traveling on the right road. Still, it can and does become rough61

DRAFTterrain in places but at least now I am spiritually matureenough to accept that the journey is far from being over andthat this too shall pass.

It is in the off road spaces of life where we run the greatest

risk of becoming broken, mistakenly choose an addiction, flatout give up, or lay ourselves face down in the middle of life’sspeedway having chosen to sleep and hopefully not wake upagain. It is true that once the serpent of despair releases itstoxic venom into our consciousness, the horrible pain over-whelmingly interrupts our breathing, forces our eyes tightlyshut, at which point it becomes exceedingly difficult to main-tain the wherewithal to still reach out, locate, and grab hold ofthat innate internal mechanism which controls all energy, lightand eternal truth. It requires a willingness to surrender the willand to welcome the inflowing of a greater proportion of divinespirit.

As divine beings I believe that we have an obligation to be

intimately familiar with the look of affliction that oftenemerges out of despair. Much like the Hemlich Maneuvereveryone can be taught how to prevent the accidental, self-destruction, and possible death of the soul of another personby offering a connective heart and empathically standing inuntil more help arrives thereby preventing the precious life ofa fallen child from becoming completely lost due to enormousfear or immense loneliness.

Do not let the fear of embarrassment, inadequacy, igno-

rance, unfamiliarity or your own personal struggles ever pre-vent you from swiftly heeding the life-threatening call or the


DRAFTbrief moment of necessity to respond to the heartcry of anafflicted soul thereupon discovered. There is an enormouspower to which you may draw upon; look within to discover it.

There in that moment, lies your freedom, salvation, and the

greatest triumph that can ever be offered, accepted, and har-vested between you, the stranger among us, and the AlmightyCreator of us all.

Go deep, hold fast, and let Spirit reign supreme! I assure you

that It will do Its work through you. All that is required of youand I is an instinctive willingness of heart and the completeemptying of the well of self. All of your needs must be givenover to the critical need of lifting up he or she that has fallen.

When no one else will do, I hereby call upon you to please,

let go of your ego, let the energizing power of love flowthrough you and just lean into that great moment of restora-tion!

RU N A W A Y • 63

DRAFTLearn to Help Yourself

TO OTHER PEOPLE, I might appear to be a nice enough guy.However, I too have been arrogant, brash, hurtful, inconsid-erate, mean and selfish at times. I am truly intent though onmaking these negative traits less prevalent in my relationshipswith others. You and I both know that words are a cheap sub-stitute for reality. Therefore, it is my actions which I want tobe the consistent and convincing evidence of my improvedself-mastery, wisdom, and spirituality.

What I have discovered within me is the capacity to change

and it is this fact that has helped and continues to facilitategrowth and strengthening in the areas that will make me theprize winning author of my life. I believe that we all have thisresource inherently built into our bodies, minds and spirit. Itjust takes some of us a little longer than others to reach thiscommon core of divinity that lies within us.

All of us, at some point in life, must learn to help ourselves

not just to survive but to actually flourish. This does notrequire that you be religious or if you wish you can be. Thechoice is yours. However, you can just as readily compile a listof virtues and significant spiritual qualities that you would liketo work on to reach the calibre of godliness, goodness, kind-ness, holiness, love, or spirituality that gives you joy and hap-piness. Clearly, there are all kinds of ways of being in the

64

DRAFTworld. Go ahead and start now to remake yourself into thechange that you would like to see in our world (Gandhi)!

A resource that proved very helpful to me is the Alphabet of

Spiritual Practices designed by Darren C. Polito which is basedon the books Spiritual Literacy and Spiritual Rx. There are alsopractice homepages that can be found at the Spiritualityand-Practice.com website which you might find very helpful.

As an alternative, I also encourage you to consider making

use of a tool that I have created and wish to share with you atthis time. It is a list of 50 qualities that I selectively compiledand refer to as “The Metrics of Spiritual Transformation”(TheMoST).

Please feel free to modify this list to best suit your current

developmental needs.

1. Affection: Affection is having genuine concern for others.(Bertrand Russell)

2. Attraction: Attraction occurs when we open our heartswith great love and peaceful interactions with lovingpeople. We do not need to send love but rather feel love. …when we chase after anything, it turns away. If we simplyopen our hearts and love, we attract all of the goodness ofthe universe. (Doreen Virtue)

3. Awareness: Awareness involves being conscious of one’scurrent thoughts, feelings, and surroundings. (Shauna Sha-piro)

4. Awe: Awe entails having your consciousness enlarged,along with the perceptions of everything or becomingaltered from within. (Wayne Teasdale).

RU N A W A Y • 65

DRAFT5. Beauty: Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

(Confucius)6. Benevolence: When virtue is lost, benevolence appears,

when benevolence is lost right conduct appears, when rightconduct is lost, expedience appears. Expediency is the mereshadow of right and truth; it is the beginning of disorder.(Lao Tzu)

7. Calm: Remain calm, serene, always in command of your-self. You will then find out how easy it is to get along. (Par-amahansa Yogananda)

8. Compassion: Compassion is a call, a demand of nature, torelieve the unhappy as hunger is a natural call for food.(Joseph Butler)

9. Commitment: Commitment is an act, not a word. (Jean-Paul Sartre)

10.

Contemplation: What we plant in the soil of contempla-tion, we shall reap in the harvest of action. (Meister Eck-hart)

11.

Contentment: Man falls from the pursuit of the ideal ofplain living and high thinking the moment he wants tomultiply his daily wants. Man’s happiness really lies in con-tentment. (Mohandas Gandhi)

12.

Creativity: Creativity is letting go of certainties. (GailSheehy)

13.

Courage: Your time is limited, so don’t waste it livingsomeone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma - which isliving with the results of other people’s thinking.Don’t letthe noise of others’ opinions drown out your own innervoice. And most important, have the courage to followyour heart and intuition. (Steve Jobs)


DRAFT14.

Discernment: We should not fret for what is past, norshould we be anxious about the future;men of discernmentdeal only with the present moment. (Chanakya)

15.

Encouragement: Correction does much, but encourage-ment does more. (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)

16.

Fairness: Fairness is what justice really is. (Brit Hume)

17.

Forgiveness: Forgiveness is the answer to the child’s dreamof a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again,what is soiled is made clean again. (Dag Hammarskjold)

18.

Generosity: Generosity is giving more than you can, andpride is taking less than you need.(Khalil Gibran)

19.

Grace: If the grace of God miraculously operates, it prob-ably operates through the subliminal door. (William James)

20.

Gratitude: Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us toencounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendentmoments of awe that change forever how we experience lifeand the world. (John Milton)

21.

Harmony: One must marry one’s feelings to one’s beliefsand ideas. That is probably the only way to achieve ameasure of harmony in one’s life. (Napoleon Hill)

22.

Honesty: Achievements on the golf course are not whatmatters, decency and honesty are what matter. (TigerWoods)

23.

Hope: Where there is no vision, there is no hope. (GeorgeWashington Carver)

24.

Hospitality: The hospitality of the wigwam is only limitedby the institution of war. (Charles Eastman)

25.

Humility: Humility is the solid foundation of all virtues.(Kong Fu Zi)

RU N A W A Y • 67

DRAFT26.

Identity: An identity would seem to be arrived at by theway in which the person faces and uses his experience.(James Baldwin)

27.

Impartiality: It is well, when judging a friend, to rememberthat he is judging you with the same godlike and superiorimpartiality. (Arnold Bennett)

28.

Intention: Our intention creates our reality. (Wayne Dyer)

29.

Inter-connectedness: What’s natural and right is to go withthe energy of how it all has to work together. What’s nat-ural and right is interconnectedness, not individualism.What is natural and right is respect for the system, notkilling the system. What’s natural and right is love. (SusanPowter)

30.

Joyfulness: Joyfulness keeps the heart and face young. Agood laugh makes us better friends with ourselves andeverybody around us.(Orison Swett Marden)

31.

Kindness: A warm smile is the universal language of kind-ness. (William Arthur Ward)

32.

Liberty: Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well orill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet anyhardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure thesurvival and the success of liberty. (John F. Kennedy)

33.

Love: Love is all we have, the only way that each can helpthe other. (Euripides)

34.

Patience: Genius is eternal patience. (Michelangelo)

35.

Presence: Wherever you are - be all there. (Jim Elliot)


DRAFT36.

Reconciliation: The practice of peace and reconciliation isone of the most vital and artistic of human actions. (NhatHanh)

37.

Rectitude: Justice is a certain rectitude of mind whereby aman does what he ought to do in the circumstances con-fronting him. (Thomas Aquinas)

38.

Responsibility: If you take responsibility for yourself youwill develop a hunger to accomplish your dreams. (LesBrown)

39.

Seeking: Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means:to be free, to be receptive,to have no goal. (Herman Hesse)

40.

Self-command: A man has to learn that he cannot com-mand things, but that he can command himself; that hecannot coerce the wills of others, but that he can mold andmaster his own will: and things serve him who servesTruth; people seek guidance of him who is master of him-self. (James Allen)

41.

Self-control: Self-control means wanting to be effective atsome random point in the infinite radiations of my spiri-tual existence. (Franz Kafka)

42.

Self-realization: Men can starve from a lack of self-realiza-tion as much as they can from a lack of bread. (RichardWright)

43.

Service to community: Community service has taught meall kinds of skills and increased my confidence. You go outthere and think on your feet, work with others and createsomething from nothing. That’s what life’s all about.(Andrew Shue)

44.

Spiritual practice: The goal of spiritual practice is fullrecovery, and the only thing you need to recover from is afractured sense of self. (Marianne Williamson)

RU N A W A Y • 69

DRAFT45.

Tolerance: America and Islam are not exclusive and neednot be in competition. Instead,they overlap, and sharecommon principles of justice and progress, tolerance andthe dignity of all human beings. (Barack Obama)

46.

Transcendence: Humanity could only have survived andflourished if it held social and personal values that tran-scended the urges of the individual, embodying selfishdesires- and these stem from the sense of a transcendentgood. (Arthur Peacocke)

47.

Ultimate concern: Man’s ultimate concern must beexpressed symbolically, because symbolic language alone isable to express the ultimate. (Paul Tillich)

48.

Unknowing: All we know is still infinitely less than all thatremains unknown. (William Harvey)

49.

Wonder:The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is toexist. For man it is to know that and to wonder at it. (Jac-ques Yves Cousteau)

50.

Zest:If you have zest and enthusiasm, you attract zest andenthusiasm. Life does give back in kind. (Norman VincentPeale)

Lastly, there are many self-assessment instruments avail-

able, both informal exercises and formal tests/inventories.They are often available for free at local high schools, colleges,and workforce development agencies. The following list pro-vides a number of very useful examples that I have reviewedand highly recommend for one’s personal use:

1. Adult Attachment Interview2. Altruistic Personality Scale3. Compassion Scale


DRAFT4. Emotional Regulation Questionnaire (ERQ)5. Psychological Well-Being (PWB)6. Subjective Well-Being (SWB)7. The Engaged Living in Youth Scale8. The Gratitude Questionnaire9. The Life Engagement Test (LET)10.

Meaning in Life Questionnaire (MLQ

11.

Purpose in Life Test (PIL)

12.

Santa Clara Strength of Religious Faith Questionnaire

13.

Satisfaction with Life Scale

14.

Scale of Positive and Negative Experience (SPANE)

15.

Social Support Questionnaire (SSQ)

16.

Spiritual Involvement and Beliefs Scale

RU N A W A Y • 71

DRAFTSeeking Good Council

WORKING AS I DO today in a hospital emergency department(ED) and assisting in patient registration you meet individualspresenting with all sorts of complaints/symptoms. Chiefamong them is being in pain and as a result experiencing suf-fering.

What I have found, is that there are essentially three catego-

ries that ED patients generally fit into: 1) those who think thatthey have a pretty good idea of what the cause of their problemis but have no idea of what it will take to resolve it, 2) thosewho have absolutely no idea what the problem is but havealready convinced themselves, and are working hard at con-vincing the triage nurse or ED doctor, that they know exactlywhat it will take to alleviate their condition if the physician willonly give them precisely what they want, and 3) patients whowill honestly admit to not knowing what is happening to themor why they are in so much misery, and who also have no ideawhat is needed to effectively resolve their dilemma. This lastgroup of patients are the ones that I tend to empathize withthe most because we’ve all been in their shoes and we knowthat it is quite a disconcerting place to be.

Unfortunately, this last group of individuals are often most

at risk of being ignored, misdiagnosed or re-admitted to thehospital within days for the very same conditions. Why is thatyou might ask and you should.

72

DRAFTQuite often, these patients unwittingly think that the so

called “experts” are the ones who will have all of the answers.When in fact, they don’t.

While the vast majority of medical doctors and skilled

nurses are very competent professionals who know their bodyof knowledge and remain current with mountains of everchanging empirical data they do not— know you like you do—or like you really must come to know yourself.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am certainly not implying

that we should ignore, overlook or otherwise reject their goodmedical council or that of other subject matter experts.

Nevertheless, our lives are not meant to be lived like silent

backseat passengers who have handed over an all importantsense of control over our wellness or our lives to others. Whenwe receive advice from others we ought to consider askingourselves a very important question: who is going to benefitthe most from the advise that’s being given. If the answer isnot you then I offer you a word of caution, run away!

That’s right, get going and put some real distance between

you and the individuals who are attempting to provide servicesthat are more likely to benefit them and not you the patient,client or student.

As a matter of fact, I especially like what James Hollis, PhD.

has to say in a related sense about addressing the delicateneeds of ourselves and others.

RU N A W A Y • 73

DRAFT“Most of us would further agree that it matters that we bring

no harm, or at least no worse harm, to others. This nobledesire asks that we become progressively aware of, explore,[and] take responsibility for our personal shadow. The shadowincludes those parts of ourselves, whether it be our capacity forevil; our insurgent, narcissistic agendas; or our most sponta-neous, healing, instinctively grounded selves.”

Like my good friend Gerald Porter,Vice President of Aca-

demic Affairs at The School of Professional Psychology atForest Institute recently shared with me, “this just about sumsit up”…

“Every day, think as you wake up, “Today I am fortunate to

have woken up. I am alive, I have a precious human life. I amnot going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies todevelop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieveenlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to havekind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry, orthink badly about others. I am going to benefit others as muchas I can.”~ His Holiness The Dalai Lama

In otherwords, what I am advocating is that you seek to fill

the open full time position of being your own best counseloron what you need to do in your life on a daily basis and thenpractice that as though it matters. Because truthfully, it does!

Here is another tool that I created for attempting to posi-

tively optimize your potential and your performance: A Model for Living An Examined Life


DRAFT The following reflects my broad-based adaptive framework

for the personal practice of balanced living across the lifespanregardless of age, belief, faith, gender, disability, ethnicity, race,religion, no religion, or sexual orientation.

Self-regulation processes:

• Goal-setting (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic andtime targeted (S.M.A.R.T.) objectives)

• Self-observation (self-instruction, imagery and attentionfocusing, task strategies)

• Self-evaluation (self-questioning, causal attributions, andadaptive inferences)

Task strategies:

• Study (graphic organizers, index cards, tables, and attendingextra help)

• Time-management (planning, allocating, setting goals, dele-gation, analysis of time spent, monitoring, organizing,scheduling, and prioritizing)

• Organizational strategies (cognitive modeling, cognitivecoaching, and guided practice)

Self-motivational beliefs:

• Self-efficacy (choice of activities, effort, and persistence)• Intrinsic interest (active, curious, engaged)• Desire to be effective (competence, mastery, and self-moni-

toring)

Academic behaviors and beliefs:

• Forethought (attitudes, beliefs, and processes)• Performance control (mindful, confident, and proactive)

RU N A W A Y • 75

DRAFT• Self-reflection (self-judgments and self-reactions)

Reasons for living:

• Meaning (psychological, social, and cultural)• Identity (moral, ethical, and spiritual)• Spirituality (belief, faith, and religion)

Leading with heart and soul:

• Institutional change (environmentally responsible, innova-tive, and sustainability-driven)

• Social change (democratic, culturally diverse, and egali-tarian)

• Personal transformation (authentic, genuine, and nur-turing)

Wisdom leadership

• Keen discernment (grasp, comprehend, and evaluateclearly)

• Deep understanding (concept, context, and pragmatics)• Sound judgment (a basis for decision making, a call to

action, and creative)


DRAFTTo Be or Not To Be

WHAT DOES TO BE or not to be mean? My Answer: To be or not to be for me, speaks more to what tends to be

everyone’s daily challenge: whether it is ‘better to suffer beingwho you are or to suffer by trying to be someone that you arenot.’

My 55 plus years of life experience have convinced me that

‘it should not become one’s aim to be something, but to besomeone.’ That someone, is the real you and it involves youbecoming the person that you are meant to be.

This can only be accomplished if we are serious and com-

pletely engaged in a process of waking up to who we really are. Despite my having spent a considerable amount of time

working in three different industries; hospitality (1 yr), finan-cial services (20 yrs), and healthcare (4 yrs) none of theseassignments fully defines who I am as a person nor am I readyhonestly to tell anyone that I have been able to achieve Over-whelming Success. As an onlooker, my life must surely appearto be one of happenstance. However, I still want very muchfor my life ‘to be’ an Outstanding Success. I don’t want to justbe done. I want my life to be well done.

77

DRAFTWhat do you value and cherish most? Go forth and begin to

seek after that!


DRAFTWhat Matters Most

IN HIS BOOK OF the same title, James Hollis, Ph.D. “asks eachof us to consider more thoughtfully the relationship we have toourselves, for that is what we bring to the table in the sundryscenes of this serial we call our life.”

What matters most is that we 1) aspire, 2) explore, 3)

develop, 4) transform and 5) inspire others by modelling thedivine virtues & spiritual qualities that we believe to be impor-tant states of being and ways of being in the world. What mat-ters most is that we gain and practice the spiritual discipline ofbeginning this process anew each and every single day of ourlives.

Allow me to hereby assert to he or she that will listen

without judgement that I am a man who is more than a victimto the anxiety and depression which at times has plagued me. Irefuse to runaway or hide from my personal challenges anylonger. If I appear less than perfect in the eyes of others wellthen I am fully capable of accepting that. But I will not allow itto hold me in place or restrict my possibilities like someanimal chained to a post.

If at any time in my life a private physician recommends

that I take medication for either a chronic physical or mentalhealth condition then I will open-mindedly consider doing soafter seeking a a qualified second opinion. However, I shallalways reserve the right to intelligently explore the possible

79

DRAFTbenefits of a combination of non drug treatment interventionssuch as aroma therapy, art therapy, diet, exercise, creativewriting, keeping a gratitude journal, meditation, movementtherapy, music appreciation, personal counseling, prayer,reflexology therapy, travel, reading sacred text, reiki healingand other cost effective and advancing treatments for man-aging and furthermore improving one’s overall health, con-sciousness, personal happiness and general well-being.

Although from a religious perspective I was raised as a

Christian and in the past publicly accepted its tenets for mylife without argument, my continuing level of education, mypersonal life experience and my ongoing interests in compara-tive religion, cognitive, educational and developmental psy-chology, interfaith dialogue and neurobiology and universalspirituality prevents me from continuing to formally accept orclaim myself to be a follower of any religious doctrine, dogma,ideology, political party, religion, rhetoric or worldview thatchooses to advocate and remain publicly locked in a positionof inequality for women, intolerance of gay, bisexual, lesbian,and trans-gender persons or promotes prejudice towards thoseof a different economic class, ethnicity or religion anywhere inthe world.

To be fooled into believing or far worse to be fool enough to

believe that these negative aspects of societal practice are rea-sonable or reflective of that which is good in the world is com-pletely absurd, hateful, insane and unsacred.

If we take a long and panoramic look at the world that we

are living in together it should become profoundly clear to us


DRAFTthat nothing in all of existence has ever remained stagnant. Why then should our concept of the Almighty, the Creator,and originating Source of All Life as we know it be bound byour small thinking to do so?

As with for our bodies, our minds, our hearts and all of the

life that surrounds it has all been given the capacity to trans-form itself. This is the most obvious principle for all of exis-tence. A mission of sustainability is written into our DNA andwe need to protect this undefinable element or at the least dietrying! Maybe that is the lesson we are meant to learn from theexistence of and fight against cancer.

This I do believe is what matters most. Eventually, we all come to learn that the truth, your truth is

not something you can read about. It is not something thatsomeone else can lecture you on or describe to you on aSunday morning while you remain seated in even the mostcomfortable pew while never uttering a single word or objec-tion.

Your truth, the real story must be written by you and it

must be intuitively known by you. Thus the phrases, “knowthyself” and “to thine own self be true”. In other words, weeach enter into this world with the same job assignment. It’sthe very important job that you and I are here to do. It maynot always be easy, fair or even fun but guess what? We ownit!

RU N A W A Y • 81

DRAFTPermit me to also share with you some of the ideas that

James Hollis, PhD. has provided regarding ’What MattersMost’ :

“Life is a series of gains but it is also a series of losses; fail-ures to grieve loss and disappointment openly, honestly, willrise again, as unbidden ghosts from their untimely burial,through depression, or as projections onto objects of compel-ling, delusive desire, or through captivation by the mindlessdistractions of our time. Failure to incorporate loss into ourlives means that we have not yet accepted the full package lifebrings to us. Everything given is also lost, redeemed by us onlythrough a more conscious affirmation of values that we con-tinue to serve.

1. The recovery of personal authority is critical to the conductand reconstruction of the second half of life. If we are littlemore than our adaptations, then we collude with happen-stance, and remain prisoners of fate. No matter how sover-eign we believe we are, we remain the lowliest of serfs tothe tyrannies of whatever remains unconscious.

2. Despite how risky love is, how easily we are hurt, none ofus can run from risking the dangerous shoals of love, com-passion, and openness to others, lest we live a sterile, unre-lated life, locked within the constricted frames of our his-tory and our comfort zones. The paradox of relationshipwill always be that rather than solve our problems for us,relationship brings us new problems, new complexities. Inshort, the greatest gift of relationship proves to be that asthe result of encountering each other, we are obliged togrow larger than we had planned.

3. All of us feel ashamed by life, all of us consider ourselvesfailures of some kind, screw-ups in some arena important


DRAFTto us. Notice how shame , consciously or unconsciously,pulls us away from risk, ratifies our negative sense of worththrough self-sabotage, or compels us into frenetic efforts atovercompensation, grandiosity, or yearning for validationthat never comes. How much each of us needs toremember theologian Paul Tillich’s definition of grace asaccepting the fact that we are accepted, despite the fact thatwe are unacceptable.

4. Staying psychologically balanced so that in the goodmoments, we also remember the decline and dissolutionthat rushes toward us like tomorrow, and that in themoments of quiet despair we remember we have a soul,and that our soul is inviolate unless we give it away.

5. No matter how well intended we begin, sooner or later weall spend good portions of this journey stumbling throughsavannas of suffering, wherein we nonetheless find tasksthat, when addressed—even in those dismal, diminishingcircumstances—enlarge us. Going through suffering, ratherthan denying or anesthetizing it, knowing that if we hangin there, it will bring us choices that can either enlarge us ordiminish us, and that when we are least in control, we stillretain the freedom of choosing what matters to us.

6. And it matters that we retain a sense of humor . Humor is away in which we honor the contradictions, acknowledgethe discrepancies, suffer the reversals, and release the ten-sion through laughter when, on other occasions, tears areour preferred recourse. Recall Robert Frost’s wry couplet“Forgive O Lord my little joke on me / And I’ll forgiveThey great big joke on me.”

“Love is always invisible, and in our world of hard-nosedmaterialists it’s important to remember that our highest good

RU N A W A Y • 83

DRAFTis something we can never really see or grab hold of, much lessunderstand by passing enough people through an f.M.R.I.machine to look at their brainwaves. What we take as the realworld is not the world that matters most to us: the substanceof our lives takes place in an invisible realm.” ~ from NYTreview of Paul Auster’s “Invisible”


DRAFTPerfection or Happiness?

WHO AMONG US DOESN’T want to have the perfect life? Butdoes anybody ever really get to have such a life? And if not,why is this so?

Because it is nothing more than a myth. Even if it were true,

a perfect life would be most tragic nonetheless. For perfection is an illusion seldom held in place for very

long. It might be here today but it’ll be gone the nexttomorrow.

Because in the end, perfection is okay with it’s own imper-

fection even though you and I have difficulty in accepting thisreality.

“Every conscious being has only their personal under-

standing of the universe with which to operate. If that being isrational, their mind works in rigorous hierarchical order withwhat it perceives as being real (existential), probable (theoret-ical), or possible (potential.) Your personal or usable versionof the universe is therefore limited in its scope by your knowl-edge of the infinite universe’s possibilities.

To put it another way, only things that you can at a min-imum conceive of being possible have any significance in yourpersonal universe. Therefore, your knowledge of the infiniteuniverse limits the size and scope of your personal universe(Michie, Jim. “Self-Realization, 2012).”

85

DRAFTIt is far more conceivable to imagine ourselves as being set

perfectly in place than it is to think that we with our limitedscope of awareness, attention, energy, intention, and under-standing can achieve perfection. To do so would require fargreater or an ever increasing level of control over factors out-side of our personal universe. Even if this is a finite possibility,we have yet to discover the rules by which this might be madepossible.

So, the only remaining question in my thinking is whether

or not we can be happy in our current state. This is our choiceas limited as it may be.

Such happiness may in the end be an important prerequisitein the journey towards more greatly perfecting our existence.Although a healthy dose of tension may need to be sprinkledinto the mix from time to time, complete chaos, major frictionor trauma, having one long pity-party for ourselves, this looksto me to be hugely counterproductive at best.


DRAFTYou Have Everything You Need

THERE HIDDEN WITHIN THE scope of our personal universe,we can find our physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritualentirety and it is all of this ‘stuff’ that in the end makes usuniquely who we are.

Anxiety and its shadow, depression is a clown disguised as a

‘monster’ that takes great pleasure in persistently riding aperson like they’re a jackass.

Kick, buck and toss that fool into space every single time

you see it coming your way. This double-sided Joker, Anxiety and Depression has been

constantly working at living within me for quite some timenow. More often than not I manage to keep it secretly tuckedaway, closeted, out of sight, and undiscovered by people withwhom I come into constant contact. But as I’ve grown older,much like an old home, my body and mind is not as attractive,durable, flexible, protective or sturdy as it once was. Thosecracks in our walled surface once thought to be finally settledhave grown larger and are now deep enough to be counted asadditional storage space. There within these spaces you willfind compartments that house emotional baggage, physicallimitations, and vulnerabilities.

87

DRAFTThose items hidden from plain sight include chronic inse-

curity, bipolar disorder, moderate obstructive sleep apnea(OSA) and as if there’s room for anything more, arthritis.

My natural inclination is to try to hide these things away

from others for the sake of appearing invincible. However,nearly two years ago I reached the point in which without mypermission these troubling conditions ceased to remain invis-ible. The fear that emerged as a result of their falling into viewcaused me to produce buckets of sweat with the slightestincrease in excitability?

If you have never experienced a meltdown I tell you it can

be terrifying and it makes you think that you have lost all con-trol over your person.

Of all the places to experience a feeling of public nakedness

it had to emerge for me at work, fully visible to my peers andmy boss.

It made me look and feel like an incompetent fool. I never

knew when I might appear de-clothed , socially disconnected,and grossly out of touch in the context in which I wasworking.

Obstructive Sleep Apnea Symptoms A person who has obstructive sleep apnea often is not aware

of the apnea episodes during the night. Often, family memberswitness the periods of apnea. For me, it was my wife thatalerted me to the fact that I would stop breathing in my sleep.


DRAFT A person with obstructive sleep apnea usually begins

snoring heavily soon after falling asleep. Often the snoring getslouder. The snoring is then interrupted by a long silent periodduring which there is no breathing. This is followed by a loudsnort and gasp, as the person attempts to breathe. This patternrepeats throughout the night. This is something that can killyou. A couple years ago, a very good high school friend ofmine stopped breathing in his sleep and never woke up.

Many people wake up unrefreshed in the morning and feel

sleepy or drowsy throughout the day. This is called excessivedaytime sleepiness (EDS). I was experiencing the followingsymptoms on a daily basis.

People with sleep apnea may:

• Act grumpy, impatient, or irritable• Be forgetful• Fall asleep while working, reading, or watching TV• Feel sleepy while driving, or even fall asleep while driving• Have hard to treat headaches

Problems that may occur with this condition:

• Depression that becomes worse• Hyperactive behavior, especially in children• Leg swelling (if severe)

The biggest problems for me were and continue to be irrita-

bility, being forgetful, and falling asleep while working forbrief periods that occur so quickly that I don’t know that theyhave even taken place.

RU N A W A Y • 89

DRAFT As I am sure you can understand, this puts a limit on the

kind of work that a person with this condition can be expectedto do without presenting a risk to self and others.

On a few occasions, I made more than one hundred thou-

sand dollars a year during periods of great performance.Today, I find myself working on average just eight to ten hoursa week for $17.50 an hour. This has resulted in a major shift inlifestyle.

One day in my last job when my problems were mounting I

took advantage of the Employee Assistance Program (EAP)and began seeing a psychologist. I recall the psychologisttelling me at the end of my sixth and final session that “YouHave Everything You Need.”

Well you know what? I decided to believe that. I belief that

God has blessed me with a beautiful mind. What I intend to dowith it is exactly what my Grandpa told me to do at 12 yearsold when I was faced with a problem and that is to “figure outfor yourself a way to make the very best of the situation.”

Let’s be clear, I didn’t choose this situation for myself nor

would I wish it on someone else. It is what it is. I can’t out runit anymore than I can run away from it. Instead, I am runningto it in anticipation that it has a much deeper meaning andpurpose for my life than I could ever have thought possible.

When you get tripped up, knocked down off your horse or

lose your A-game edge it is still your choice whether or not


DRAFTyou intend to get back up and continue to move forward bymaking a further contribution to your life and to that ofothers.

RU N A W A Y • 91

DRAFTThe Purpose Evolution

IN HIS 2010 INTERNATIONAL bestseller, “The Power of Pur-pose: Find Meaning, Live Longer, Better,” author Richard J.Leider informs us about the powerful evolution of purpose:

Our purpose is an expression of the deepest dimension

within us-of our central core or essence, where we have a pro-found sense of who we are, where we came from, and wherewe’re going. Purpose when it is clear, is the aim around whichwe structure our lives, a source of direction and energy, andthe way the meaning of our lives is worked out in daily experi-ence. You have a purpose no matter what age you are, howhealthy you are, or what your economic or social situation is.Your purpose is the reason you were born, and it can be whatgets you out of bed in the morning.

What determines the power in purpose, ultimately, is the

worthiness of the focus. Having purpose that provides realpower requires a goal outside ourselves. Only when our pur-pose—is larger than ourselves can meaning be deeply savoredand long lasting, not just a goal completed and then forgotten.

At our core we need to matter. We need evidence to believe

that we are good people and are evolving—becoming the bestwe can be. Naming our purpose helps us satisfy a basic needthat we’re being used for a purpose that we recognize as aworthy one.

92

DRAFTEach of us is on a quest to find our purpose whether we are

consciously pursuing the quest or are vaguely aware thatsomething is missing.

Throughout history, humans have sought to make sense of

their lives, searching for meaning through prayer, retreat, art,music, nature, community, gratitude, forgiveness, and mul-tiple other ways. Traditionally, purpose was connected withthe spiritual aspect of people’s lives, and healers, priests, andshamans were the ministers who helped people connect withthe sacred to restore bodies and souls to heath and wholeness.

The time to give our attention to producing our best inten-

tions, gaining meaning, having purpose or personal wellness isRIGHT NOW.

To do this, for the last year and a half I have been focusing

on cultivating increased self-awareness, through self-observa-tion, contemplative and embodiment practices and feedback,by validating my personal values, purpose and vision; commu-nicating more authentically and compassionately with theindividuals that I work with, the patients that I come into con-tact with; and by expressing appreciation for others andembracing diversity on a much grander scale; by initiating dia-logue with mentors, leaders and teachers at all levels across theglobe and by systematically changing my approach to self andotherness; and using a comprehensive array of state-of-artmethodologies and social media technologies. As a result, I amsteadily becoming a more emotionally, cognitively, physicallyand spiritually balanced person.

RU N A W A Y • 93

DRAFTWhile I still have all of the same human conditions to deal

with I have learned to operate in a manner that prevents themfrom dominating my life or sending me off-track and awayfrom the very clear vision, purpose and meaning that I havechosen for my life and is at the core of the relationships that Ihope very much to continue having with others.

Out of sheer necessity, much of this groundwork work has

been done alone in the privacy of my heart and at home. It hasbeen supported by meditation, prayer, reading, watchingvideos and messaging family, friends, colleagues and strangersmostly for the chance to really hear what others have to offerabout living, coping and recovering from many of life’s mostdifficult challenges.

As an estimate, I can honestly tell you that I have directly

interacted with thousands of people face-to-face, by telephone,conference call, email, me.mail, gmail, yahoo, aboutme,blogger, facebook, linkedin, twitter, and more. Given that Ihad the time, I tried to make good use of it by recognizing thatit is a precious gift, one that may never be available to meagain in such abundance.

This is my story, and this is why and how I became ‘the inte-

grated person’.


DRAFTAs For Me And My Calling

“BUT WHAT IS HAPPINESS except the simple harmonybetween a person and the life they lead?” ~ Albert Camus

As for me, now well into the second half of my life, I have

gained awareness as a ‘being-at-work’ of soul in accordancewith the active pursuit of virtue.

My “ultimate concern” is to be a person of good counsel and

example to youth regardless of setting. Ideally, I would like tocreate an organization where authentic leadership is enlivenedand guided by a solid ethical core (1) the moral character of itsleader, (2) the ethical values embedded in its director’s vision,articulation, and program, and (3) the morality of the pro-cesses of ethical choice and action that all of its leaders andassociates engage in and collectively pursue to foster the kindof organization that brings out the very best in people - grati-tude, harmony, humility, love, charity, compassion, goodworks, reason, universal brotherhood, and the sharing of bothpower and authority with others.

My attention is primarily focused on experiencing a state of

calm presence, emotional equilibrium, clarity of thinking, sol-idarity and wisdom.

The intention of my heart is to live in a harmonious and

altruistic way, actively motivated by the love of God, the expe-rience of union with Him, and the love of thy neighbor.

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DRAFT At the top of my list of important personal goals are the fol-

lowing:

1. To be a helper, a spiritual being, and wisdom seeker (aware,attentive, humble, intentional, hopeful, joyful, kind, loving,and experienced with change, suffering, brokenness, andthe challenges of the renewal process and wholeness) andacknowledge people as being spiritual in nature, withunique purpose in life and a desire for meaning;

2. To be a Spiritual Practitioner who is on an individuating,humane and compassionate self-developmental journey(not predicated by any religious beliefs or injunctions) inpassionate pursuit of transformative learning through aprocess of critical reflection; and

3. To encourage the expression of other people’s unique gifts,talents, and the pursuit of their inner journey of self-explo-ration and in the larger world; and

4. To honor my true calling which I believe to be finding waysto facilitate the maturing of others in a “psycho-spiritual”sense, while fostering goodness, and advocating theupholding humanitarian values.


Runaway

Self Improvement

Transcript of Runaway