1

ROBIN HOOD : THE MUSICAL (a pantomime in two parts)

Based on an original script by Judith Dobson

With additional material by Ken Jones

Current draft with revisions by Paul & Lisa Hupfield

1

THE CURTAIN OPENS, ALL CAST ARE ONSTAGE FOR THE FUNNYBONE SONG! 1 LIGHTS FADE. COMPANY EXIT. 2 LIGHTS UP. GUY STOOD CENTRE STAGE.SCENE 1 – WOODS. 3 CURTAINS OPEN, SHERRIF ENTERS STAGE LEFT. HE’S JITTERY, CONCERNED LOOK ON HIS 4 FACE AS GUY - HIS MAIN HENCHMEN – ENTERS THE ROOM. 5 6

GUY 7 Good morning Sheriff. 8

9 SHERIFF 10

Good? Good? It couldn’t be worse, Guy. 11 12

GUY 13 What couldn’t be worse? 14

15 SHERIFF 16

My brother, Sir Edward, and his wife have just left for the East! 17 18

GUY 19 Where? Not Polruan? 20 They have a terrible case of The Pox over there, so they say! 21

22 SHERIFF 23

The Pox? What kind of Pox? 24 25

GUY 26 The worst kind... a heady mix of every single fever known to man. First you 27 get yellow fever, then black water fever, scarlet fever, brain fever and finally, 28 the worst one of all… 29

30 SHERIFF 31

Which is? 32 33

GUY 34 Saturday Night Fever. 35

36 THE MUSIC FROM SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER (THINK ‘STAYIN ALIVE’) BLARES IN FOR A FEW 37 SECONDS AS BOTH CHARACTERS BREAK INTO DANCE. 38 39 THE MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY. BOTH MEN RESUME THEIR PREVIOUS POSTURES. 40 41

GUY 42 Anyway… So they get The Polruan Pox, what does that matter? 43 You always told me you hated your brother? 44

45 SHERIFF 46

Indeed, the man’s a buffoon… 47

2

GUY 1 (surprised) 2

Ah yes (strokes chin), I’ve always thought he was quite hairy… 3 4

SHERIFF 5 Hairy?... Eh? Not a ‘Baboon’, you great idiot… a ‘buffoon’, as in almost as 6 stupid as you! And I couldn’t care less about him and his wife, but they have 7 a daughter that I’m obliged to look after if anything happens to them. 8 9

GUY 10 And? 11

12 SHERIFF 13

And, if they die of The Polruan Pox and she goes on to marry, then she 14 will become the heir to my title of Sheriff of Hillhay. 15

16 GUY 17

I see. That’s bad. You’re quite partial to your trifle aren’t you! 18 19 SHERRIF 20 Trifle? Its TITLE, you idiot! 21 22 GUY 23 So what are you going to do?? 24

25 SHERIFF 26 (evil grin) 27

Well my friend, I’m glad you asked and that is why I have brought you out 28 here to Penventinue (pronounced Pennytinny) Wood… It is a vast and 29 dangerous place and I have received word that my niece and her ward are 30 travelling through this dark forest to come and see me. Now, should the little 31 lady lose her way and never be heard from again… well, you get my drift! 32

33 THE SHERIFF NUDGES GUY. GUY NODS IN AGREEMENT. 34 35

GUY 36 And if I do get your drift and I help you with this truly diabolical plan… 37 what’s in it for me? 38

39 SHERIFF 40

Glad you asked… you know the land at the top of the hill. 41 42

GUY 43 Where, Lankelly? 44

45 SHERIFF 46

The very same. How about planning permission to build on it? 47

3

1 GUY 2

To build what? 3 4

SHERIFF 5 Ooo… holiday homes, a retail centre, anything you like… except a hospital, 6 we’re not allowed to have one of those around here. 7

(ponders) 8 To be honest, I’ve always thought Fowey could do with a KFC. 9 Anyway, that’s what’s in it for you and that is the least of it... 10

(puts arm around GUY to lead him off) 11 …I happen to have even more tricks up my sleeve. 12

13 THEY EXIT STAGE RIGHT FRONT - GUY DANCING AROUND TRYING TO LOOK DOWN THE 14 SHERIFF’S SLEEVES. 15 16 LIGHTS DOWN. 17 18 LIGHTS BACK UP, SOME TIME HAS PASSED. 19 20 ENTER NURSE LUSCIOUS AND MARION STAGE LEFT CENTRE. 21 22

MARION 23 How much further Nursey? This shortcut to Hillhay has turned into a long 24 cut. We’ve been walking for hours. 25

26 NURSE LUSCIOUS 27

Four hours? Four hours? Surely not my dear – more like three! 28 But I am sorry, for I fear it will soon be getting dark. 29 (to audience) 30 These woods are very dangerous dontchaknow! 31

32 ENTER WILL SCARLET AND FRIAR TUCK STAGE RIGHT BACK/CENTRE, BOTH CARRYING 33 WEAPONS. *NOTE – EVERY TIME WE SEE FRIAR TUCK, HE GETS FATTER & FATTER 34 THROUGHOUT THE SHOW. 35 36

WILL 37 Halt! Stand and deliver! 38

39 NURSE LUSCIOUS 40 (to audience) 41

See what I mean? 42 43

FRIAR TUCK 44 Hand over your money! 45

46 47

4

NURSE LUSCIOUS 1 If only I had the money to hand over! You young men should be ashamed of 2 yourselves - trying to steal from two defenceless women. What would your 3 mothers say if they could see you now? 4

5 FRIAR TUCK 6 (thinking) 7

She’d probably tell me to cut down on my cholesterol… 8 9

WILL 10 (thinking) 11

…or tell me that it’s way past my bedtime? 12 13

FRIAR TUCK 14 …but that’s not the point… What are you ladies doing out here? This wood is 15 a bad place to be at the best of times… 16

17 NURSE LUSCIOUS 18

That’s exactly what I was just saying. 19 20

WILL 21 There are vicious outlaws knocking about… 22 (they hide their weapons behind their backs) 23 You could have been robbed. What say we forget about that ‘stand and 24 deliver’ thing we mentioned? 25

26 ENTER THE TERRIBLY DASHING ROBIN HOOD - STAGE RIGHT. 27 28

ROBIN 29 Hi-ho Will, Tuck, what have we here then? 30

31 WILL 32

We found these two wandering in the forest, heard them say 33 they were heading Hillhay way... 34

35 NURSE LUSCIOUS 36

Oh no, you’re not a robber as well are you? 37 38 ROBIN LAUGHS. 39 40

ROBIN 41 Fear not, old wench. We mean you no harm. 42

43 NURSE LUSCIOUS 44

Old wench? OLD WENCH? I’m only 36. Call me Old wench again 45 and you’ll be the one who gets harmed! 46

47

5

ROBIN 1 Pray tell where you came from and why you are going to Hillhay? 2 3

MARION 4 Well Sir, I am Maid Marion and this is my dear Nurse. We have come from 5 Torfrey St. Sampson, because my beloved father 6 and mother have gone East with the good King Richard. 7

8 ROBIN 9

Oh no, not Polruan? 10 11

NURSE LUSCIOUS 12 The same! And when they left, they told me to ensure her safe passage to 13 her Uncle. He will take care of her, for he is a very important person. He is 14 the Sheriff of Hillhay. 15

16 ROBIN AND HIS MEN PULL AN AWKWARD FACE. 17

18 MARION 19 Has she said something wrong? 20 21 NURSE LUSCIOUS 22 Why are you looking like that? 23

24 ROBIN 25

Oh, no reason. He’s an err… (cough) lovely fellow. 26 As a precaution I’m going to send Friar Tuck here with you, 27 to guide you on your way to Hillhay. You will be safe with him. 28 (aside to NURSE LUSCIOUS) 29 Just make sure you hide your sandwiches and biscuits, he goes 30 feral for a Custard Cream. 31

32 MARION 33

Thank you for helping us. May we know your name, so that Sir Edward can 34 thank you in person? 35

36 ROBIN 37

My given name is Robin of Lescrow, but I’m afraid your Uncle chooses to call 38 me Robin Hood… which is odd because I’ve robbed trousers and I’ve robbed 39 jumpers, but I’ve never actually robbed a ‘hood’ in my life! 40 41

MARION 42 (gasps) I’ve heard tales of you! My Uncle, the Sheriff, would like you captured 43 and thrown in jail! 44 45

46 47

6

ROBIN, FRIAR TUCK, WILL SCARLET 1 (in unison, with a step and clap) 2

He Sherwood! 3 4

NURSE LUSCIOUS 5 Well, to think we were led to believe that you were a wicked outlaw. 6 You’ve been getting worse press around here than Donald Trump… 7 8 ROBIN 9 Yes, well, unlike Donald Trump, my misdeeds have been greatly exaggerated! 10 11 MARION 12 I promise we’ll put in a good word for you for helping us. 13

14 ROBIN 15

I’m not sure he would listen, but thank you for the kind thought. 16 I leave you in the capable hands of the Friar. Now goodbye and have a safe 17 journey. 18

19 EXIT ROBIN AND WILL STAGE LEFT. 20 21 ENTER MUCH FROM THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE STAGE. HE IS A VERY ANXIOUS YOUNG 22 FELLOW. HE STARTLES THE FRIAR FROM BEHIND. 23 24

MUCH 25 Great, I’ve found you! Do you know the best way to contact Robin Hood? 26 27 FRIAR 28 (startled) 29 And you are? 30 31 MUCH 32 I’m Much. 33

34 FRIAR TUCK 35

How much? 36 37

MUCH 38 Not how much, ‘Much’ is my name, I’m Much the Miller’s son 39 and information is what I seek. 40

41 FRIAR TUCK 42

Well, how ‘much’ (ha ha) would you like to know? 43 44

MUCH 45 A lot! I am desperate, my family are finding things really tough 46 – we’re starving in, fact. Just listen to this… 47

7

1 MUCH STICKS OUT HIS BELLY – THERE IS A HUGE RUMBLING ROAR SOUND. 2 3

NURSE LUSCIOUS / MARION 4 Wow, THAT’s hungry! 5

6 MUCH 7

Exactly! We can’t even afford bread and this credit crunch has meant eggs 8 are going up again. 9 10

FRIAR TUCK 11 That’ll surprise a few chickens! 12 13

MUCH 14 Please help me, I have to join his band! 15

16 FRIAR TUCK 17

The Fowey Town Band? 18 19

MUCH 20 No, Robin Hood’s band of Merry Men. 21

22 FRIAR TUCK 23

Well, they don’t let just anyone join Robin’s merry band… 24 you will need to show your marksmanship skills first, to prove your 25 worthiness. 26

27 MUCH 28

But I’m too poor to buy a bow and arrows. 29 30

FRIAR TUCK 31 Fear not young gent, if you pass the test, they’ll give you a set. Anyway, 32 you’ve literally just missed him… he went that way. Follow that path and I’m 33 sure you’ll bump into one of the Merry Men. Tell them Friar Tuck sent you. 34 Now we must away… come ladies, I will ensure your safe passage through 35 these dark and dreary woods. Good day to you, young Much. 36

37 EXIT FRIAR TUCK, NURSE LUSCIOUS AND MARION STAGE RIGHT. ENTER ROSIE FROM 38 OPPOSITE SIDE OF STAGE. 39 40

MUCH 41 Hello Rosie! How are you? 42 (to audience) 43 I know what you’re thinking – there’s a lot of people wandering about this 44 dark and scary wood isn’t there? Just go with it, it’ll be easier all round. 45

46 47

8

ROSIE 1 I haven’t seen you for ages Much, how are you? 2 You look a bit stressed. 3

4 MUCH 5

Stressed you say? I’m more stressed than the one-way system in Fowey 6 during the summer holidays! I don’t know how we are going to survive, 7 everything is getting more and more expensive… what with purchase tax, 8 value added tax, window tax, hearth tax, road tax, water tax, pasty tax… 9

10 ROSIE 11

…It’s enough to give us all heart attacks! (boom boom). 12 Still, we must keep smiling. We don’t want the Sheriff to think he has beaten 13 us! 14

15 MUCH 16

Well he’s almost beaten me. I feel like a bowl of meringues in Mary 17 Berry’s kitchen. I’m going to find Robin Hood and ask if he’ll let me join 18 his band. 19

20 ROSIE 21

The Fowey Town Band? 22 23

MUCH 24 No not THAT BAND, his band of Merry Men. 25 I’m sure that Robin Hood wouldn’t let my family starve. 26

27 ENTER SHERIFF AND GUY WITH THREE GUARDS (VERY QUIETLY) STAGE LEFT BACK. THEY 28 LISTEN TO WHAT IS BEING SAID. 29 30

ROSIE 31 Good for you! It’s time someone taught the Sheriff a lesson. 32 Next to Prince John, he must be one of the nastiest, meanest, most horrible, 33 cruellest, evilest… 34

35 THE SHERIFF COUGHS BEHIND HER. 36 37 ROSIE 38 (to audience) 39 He’s behind me, isn’t he?! 40 41

SHERIFF 42 You were saying? 43

44 ROSIE 45

Oh good evening Sir Sheriff Sir. Just saying… ermm… 46 (thinking) 47

9

…how the weatherman says that… ermmm… 1 (has an idea) 2 …hurricane ‘Sherrif’ is coming in… it’s going to be the most horrible, nastiest 3 and cruellest in the last few years, yes that’s it! 4

5 SHERIFF 6

A likely story. You know I don’t take kindly to insults… bath salts, liver 7 salts or even salt and vinegar crisps for that matter. 8

(to audience) 9 I’m more a cheese and onion man – and you can smell my breath to prove it! 10

(he exhales, sniffing in his own stinky breath) 11 ….. Guards arrest this peasant and put her in one of my worst dungeons - 12 the one with the extra poo in it. That will teach her some manners. 13

14 HE GIVES A GLOATING, OVER-THE-TOP LAUGH. 15 16

ROSIE 17 You just wait ‘til Robin Hood catches up with you! 18 Quick, run Much! 19

20 THE GUARDS TRY TO DRAG ROSIE AND MUCH AWAY BUT THEY BOTH ESCAPE AND RUN 21 AWAY. 22 23

SHERIFF 24 Well those two may have gotten away… 25

(to the audience) 26 But YOU peasants listen to me! It will take more than a bunch of men in 27 tights to upset me. Want to hear my latest plan? We are going to erect a 28 monument to the Town’s greatest benefactor - ME! My visage shall watch 29 over you all from the centre of Hillhay. 30 (pause) 31 Unfortunately, it’ll be an expensive undertaking, so… 32

33 GUARDS 34

You have to raise more taxes Boss! 35 36

SHERIFF 37 Exactly, see… my Guards understand how local Government works. Now 38 I have to think of a new tax, hmmmm. Yes, I know, an ‘Audience’ tax! 39

(Shouts to the back of the hall) 40 Guards, bar the doors! 41 (points at audience) 42 You lot won’t be leaving here until I get plenty of voluntary subscriptions. 43 Ha ha ha. 44

45 AUDIENCE BOO’S! ANOTHER GUARD ENTERS THS SCENE AND APPROACHES THE SHERIFF. 46 47

10

SHERIFF 1 What do you want guard, I’m busy threatening these bunch of reprobates? 2

3 GUARD 1 4

Sire, we have word that the girl and her nurse are approaching Hillhay. 5 6

SHERIFF 7 Drat! I gave Guy explicit instruction to make sure she disappeared in a 8 thoroughly diabolical way and now I must return to Hillhay Castle in case she 9 turns up. 10 (to audience) 11 Mind your manners you stinky peasants. My spies have got 12 their eyes on you. 13

14 DANCE NUMBER - SEVERAL GUARDS COME ON STAGE, WITH SPY GLASSES AND DANCE TO 15 ROCKWELL’S MOTOWN CLASSIC - ‘SOMEBODY’S WATCHING ME’ 16 17 CURTAINS CLOSE. 18

11

SCENE 2 - F.O.T. 1 2 ENTER THE TOWN CRIER FROM STAGE LEFT AND MRS MIX AND MRS SMITH FROM THE 3 RIGHT. 4 5

TOWN CRIER 6 Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! Taxes to go up again. 7 The Sheriff of Hillhay to build himself a new monument! 8 Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! 9

10 THE TOWN CRIER EXITS. 11 12

MRS MIX 13 A monument indeed! I heard he’s just blown the last lot of taxes on a new 14 Playstation. And here’s me… with the poorest family in the village and four 15 young girls to feed. 16

17 MRS SMITH 18

Poorest family? My kids have been eating cold porridge every day for the last 19 6 years! 20

21 MRS MIX 22

Well, mine have to share one pair of shoes to wear on their feet! 23 24

MRS SMITH 25 …Mine don’t even have any shoes - they had to eat them! 26

27 MRS MIX 28

If you think that’s bad, my husband does 2 jobs, a night shift AND a day 29 shift and works 8 days a week… and he’s thinking of doing another, just to 30 afford the taxes! 31

32 MRS SMITH 33

Well, my husband worked so hard that… that… that his HEAD fell off! 34 35

MRS MIX 36 His head fell off? I only saw him yesterday! 37 38 MRS SMITH 39 Yeah... err, well… he got better. Anyway, we couldn’t survive at all 40 without the help of Robin Hood and his gang, could we. 41

42 MRS MIX 43

Oh I know. They are true heroes. So romantic – living out there 44 in the woods, robbing the rich to give back something to us poor folk. My 45 girls have his WANTED posters all over their bedroom walls. 46

47

12

MRS SMITH 1 With this dreadful Sheriff in charge we need to do something! 2

3 MRS MIX 4

I heard his brother should have been Sheriff but he renounced his title 5 and has gone to the East. 6

7 MRS SMITH 8

Where, Polruan? 9 (to audience) 10 Get used to it… we’re going to keep doing this awful Polruan gag. 11

12 MRS MIX 13

The Sheriff’s niece, Marion, is our only hope now. 14 15 MRS SMITH 16 How come? 17 18 MRS MIX 19 She’ll inherit his title and position if she marries. 20

21 MRS SMITH 22

Will her husband become Sheriff of Hillhay? 23 24

MRS MIX 25 Her husband? Where do you think we are? Bodmin? 26 No, Marion will become Sheriff herself and a good job she’ll do too. 27

28 MRS SMITH 29

Okay! I get the picture! So we’ve got to find her a fabulous, romantic hero 30 to marry her and then we can finally be free of the Sheriff! 31 (to audience) 32 Everyone got that? 33

34 AUDIENCE RESPOND ‘YES’. 35 36

MRS SMITH 37 Good. In the meantime, I have to find some stale crusts to 38 feed my children. 39

40 MRS MIX 41

I’ll join you. If my four turned sideways they’d disappear. 42 43 MRS SMITH 44 Well, my two are so thin, they have to run around the shower just to get wet. 45

46 THEY EXIT. CURTAINS OPEN. 47

13

SCENE 3 – THE CASTLE INTERIOR 1 2 ENTER SHERIFF STAGE LEFT – AUDIENCE BOOS. SHERIFF WALKS TO FRONT OF STAGE AND 3 SHAKES HIS FIST AT AUDIENCE. 4 5

SHERIFF 6 And Boo to you too. Don’t think you’re going to upset me with your booing 7 and hissing because you’re not! In fact – proclamation – I hereby instigate 8 the ‘booing tax’. Ha ha! That’s right! You there… 9 (points to audience member) 10 …you owe me a fiver already! Anyway, as you can tell, I didn’t get where I am 11 by being nice to people. My motto is “pay your taxes, shut up and show 12 respect”. My only problem is that blasted Robin Hood. He’s an outlaw and 13 yet people talk about him as though he were a flippin’ hero. 14 You mark my words… I will rid myself of this Robin Hood! 15

16 ENTER NURSE LUSCIOUS AND MARION STAGE RIGHT. THE SHERIFF GREETS THEM WITH A 17 VERY INSINCERE SMILE. 18 19

NURSE LUSCIOUS 20 Good morning your Sheriffness! (curtseys) 21

22 SHERIFF 23

Good morning, is there anything I can do for you? 24 25

NURSE LUSCIOUS 26 Sir, I’ve just brought the young Maid Marion to stay with you. 27 I’m her Nurse, Luscious… 28

29 THE SHERIFF RAISES AND EYEBROW. 30 31

SHERIFF 32 Not that luscious! How old are you? Eighty? 33

34 NURSE LUSCIOUS 35

Eh cheeky! I keep telling everyone, I’m only 36… 36 No, my name is ‘Nurse Luscious’ and this is your 37 lovely niece, Marion. 38

39 SHERIFF 40 Why what are you doing here Marion? Did you not have any trouble getting 41 here through the woods? Didn’t meet anyone nefarious along the way at all? 42 43 MARION 44 You seem surprised Uncle? Thankfully, we had a kind escort, a Friar, to help 45 us on our way. 46 47

14

SHERIFF 1 (under breath) 2 Blast! 3

4 NURSE LUSCIOUS 5

So, as I was saying, her parents are with good King Richard in the East… 6 7

SHERIFF 8 Yes, Polruan, right? 9

10 NURSE LUSCIOUS 11 (rolls her eyes) 12

Not that awful joke again! 13 (to side of stage) 14 Look, can we stop doing that one now? 15 I have heard that her mother and father… 16 (covers MARION’s ears with her hands) 17 …may have fallen foul of The Polruan Pox and might not be returning. 18 So, you are now the child’s legal guardian. 19

20 SHERIFF 21 That’s a real shame, but you see I’m very busy at the moment... lots of things 22 to tax… got a few people locked up in the dungeon who need a bit of 23 torturing. If you could come back next week, then I might be able… 24 25 NURSE LUSCIOUS 26 …Of course, you will have to administer her fortune. 27 28 SHERIFF 29 Hang on… Fortune? FORTUNE, you say? 30 I had no idea my brother was well off? 31 32 NURSE LUSCIOUS 33 Yes. VERY well off and her father wanted her to have the best education to 34 prepare her for adulthood. You will have to ensure she has the best of 35 everything. Unless of course, she marries, then she will inherit the family 36 title. 37

38 SHERIFF 39 (thoughtfully). 40

Oh yes, well let’s forget about that! ….. 41 Let’s get back to the bit about a fortune, you said? 42

43 NURSE LUSCIOUS 44

Yes, a vast fortune but the important thing is her education 45 so that they… 46

47

15

SHERIFF 1 (interrupts) 2

Not meaning to dwell on the point… How vast? 3 4

NURSE LUSCIOUS 5 Imagine the biggest pile of money you have ever seen. 6

7 SHERIFF 8 (smiling happily). 9

Ooh lovely, all that lovely lolly! That’s vast. 10 11

NURSE LUSCIOUS 12 Well, ten times vaster than that. 13 14

SHERIFF 15 Ten times vaster…. Urrrrrggghhh! 16 17 HE FAINTS WITH EXCITEMENT INTO NURSE LUSCIOUS’ ARMS. 18

19 NURSE LUSCIOUS 20 Marion quick, a drink of water for the Sheriff! 21

(to the audience) 22 Do you think I should give him the kiss of life? 23

24 SHERIFF SUDDENLY LEAPS TO HIS FEET. 25 26

SHERIFF 27 No dear Lady, that won’t be necessary. Child, welcome to my humble castle. 28 My house is your house. Take the weight off your moneybags *ahem*, I 29 mean off your feet, ‘ha’, moneybags, what am I saying?!? 30

31 MARION 32

It’s so nice to see you, Uncle. 33 34

SHERIFF 35 Of course. What a little treasure, good as gold you are… 36

(dreamily) 37 Gold… great stonking piles of lovely gold. 38

39 MARION 40

Are you feeling all right Uncle? 41 42

SHERIFF 43 Yes, I am, my little angel, I just had a shock seeing you so suddenly. 44 I wasn’t expecting to see you alive... errm, I mean at all, err… 45 I mean so soon. 46

47

16

MARION 1 Am I going to live here ‘til Mum and Dad come home then? 2

3 NURSE LUSCIOUS 4

Yes, or until you marry and inherit your title. 5 6 SHERIFF SCOWLS AT NURSE LUSCIOUS FOR SUGGESTING THE IDEA OF MARRIAGE. 7 8

SHERIFF 9 Yes of course Marion. We’ll lock you – I mean put you in the loveliest 10 room of the castle and you will have my men to guard you. 11

12 HE TAKES NURSE LUSCIOUS BY THE ELBOW. 13 14 SHERIFF (continued) 15

Tell me dear Lady, just to clarify, what would happen to her vast 16 fortune should anything happen to this little angel? 17

18 NURSE LUSCIOUS 19

Oh, I’m not sure, I daresay it would go to her legal guardian. 20 21

SHERIFF 22 And to be clear, that is… 23

24 NURSE LUSCIOUS 25

Why you of course!!! 26 27

SHERIFF 28 (squeals with delight) 29

YES, YES, YES! 30 31

NURSE LUSCIOUS 32 But now she’s here, she’ll be perfectly safe won’t she? 33

34 SHERIFF 35

Oh yes, of course, as safe as houses… and now Marion, you’ll want to see 36 your lodgings I’m sure and unpack your lootcases - I mean suitcases. 37 It’s one of our lower-floor guest rooms… 38

(winks at the audience) 39 …it’s a little damp and a little bit gloomy down there, but I’m sure you’ll find 40 it a scream. And you Nurse Luscious, you should head back to your village 41 and await word from her parents. 42 43 MARION 44 Really Nurse Luscious? Must you go? I’m getting a real sense that not 45 everything is completely above board with this whole situation. 46 47

17

NURSE LUSCIOUS 1 Well, I’m afraid so, your Uncle is your legal guardian now. 2 (to audience) 3 She’ll be safe here with the Sheriff, won’t she boys and girls? 4

5 THE AUDIENCE YELL ‘NO!!!!’ NURSE LUSCIOUS IS OBLIVIOUS. 6 7 NURSE LUSCIOUS 8 See, I’m sure he’ll take good care of you. 9 10 NURSE LUSCIOUS EXITS AS MARION STANDS, HANDS ON HIPS, LOOKING AT THE SHERIFF 11 INCREDULOUSLY. 12 13 CURTAINS CLOSE. 14

18

SCENE 4 - F.O.T. 1 THE TOWN CRIER COMES ON STAGE. 2 3 TOWN CRIER 4 Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! Booing tax initiated for noisy audience members 5

And the Sheriff of Hillhay to take charge of his niece. 6 Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! 7

8 THE TOWN CRIER LEAVES. 9 10 ENTER LITTLE JOHN, FRIAR TUCK (even fatter), WILL SCARLET. 11 12

LITTLE JOHN 13 It’s time to go to work boys. The rich folk won’t rob themselves you know. 14

15 FRIAR TUCK 16

Not a moment too soon, I saw those Mix sisters yesterday and they’re so 17 thin, they’re beginning to turn inside out. 18 19 WILL SCARLET 20 Unlike you Tuck – have you put on weight again? 21 22

FRIAR TUCK 23 Wellll (rubs tummy), I have had a lot on my plate recently! 24 25

WILL SCARLET 26 Are we visiting the Mix girls’ house today then? They are surely the finest 27 sisters in all the village! 28 29 FRIAR TUCK 30 Calm yourself lad… we have work to do first. 31

32 LITTLE JOHN 33

Yep, there are wealthy people in these woods. 34 (sniffs the air) 35 I can almost smell ‘em! 36 37 FRIAR TUCK 38 Sorry, that’s me. I shouldn’t have eaten all those sprouts for tea. 39

40 THE OTHER MERRY MEN STEP A FEW FEET AWAY FROM THE STINKY FRIAR WAVING THEIR 41 HANDS TO SHOE AWAY THE SMELL. 42 43

WILL SCARLET 44 Okay Little John, but we must be careful, it’s getting dangerous 45 out there. 46

47

19

ENTER ROBIN HOOD. 1 2

ROBIN 3 …Dangerous you say? You’re telling me. Last night, when I delivered our 4 day’s takings to a worthy family, a soldier almost caught me! 5 6 LITTLE JOHN 7 You could say that you had an ‘arrow’ escape then (boom boom). 8 Where have you been anyway Robin, you’re late? 9

10 ROBIN 11 Sorry, I was listening to my favourite radio show. 12 13 LITTLE JOHN 14 Which is…? 15 16 ROBIN 17 The Archers! 18 19

FRIAR TUCK 20 I had an idea about making things a little bit safer for us when it comes to 21 dropping off our loot. How about a third party? 22

23 WILL SCARLET 24

Oh no, I’ve still got a hangover from the last one! 25 26

FRIAR TUCK 27 Not that kind of party, you idiot! I’m thinking of Nurse Luscious… 28

29 ROBIN 30

Maid Marion’s nurse, yes Friar, we know, but we won’t tell the Bishop. 31 32

FRIAR TUCK 33 Don’t be daft, we’re just good friends. Anyway, Nurse Luscious has bravely 34 volunteered to deliver our donations to the village people for us. 35

36 WILL SCARLET 37

…But that means no more visits to the little Mix house. 38 39

FRIAR TUCK 40 Well it’s up to you, but it would be safer. 41

42 ROBIN 43

Sorry Will, the Friar’s right – okay when can she start? 44 45

FRIAR TUCK 46 I’ll tell her right away. John, Will, are you coming with me? 47

20

Because, you know… I can go and tell her on my own. It’s no big deal. 1 2

WILL SCARLET 3 Yeah, yeah, we know. You go tell her. We’d just be in your way. 4

5 EXIT FRIAR TUCK LOOKING HAPPY. 6 7 WILL SCARLET 8 For a man of God, he does have some dirty habits! 9 10 ROBIN 11

Indeed, he does… we should ask him to wash them now and again! 12 13

LITTLE JOHN 14 Look Robin, can we get to the job in hand – robbing some rich folks? 15

16 ROBIN 17

Yes, yes, don’t worry… 18 19

WILL SCARLET 20 What new technique are you going to teach us today? 21 Ambushing? 22

23 LITTLE JOHN 24

Some swindling perhaps? 25 26 WILL SCARLET 27

Dropping from high trees like tight-wearing Ninjas? 28 29

LITTLE JOHN 30 Encircling our prey like spandex-clad lions? 31 32 WILL SCARLET 33 Card tricks? 34

35 ROBIN 36

I thought today we’d practise the art of good old-fashioned 37 pick pocketing! C’mon quick, I can hear footsteps approaching. 38

39 EXIT ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN AND WILL SCARLET. 40

21

SCENE 5 – THE WOODS. 1 2 THE CURTAINS OPEN TO REVEAL THREE VERY WEALTHY PEOPLE. THEY STOP AND EXAMINE 3 A MAP, TALKING IN IMPOSSIBLY POSH VOICES. 4 5

DANIELLE 6 So, where exactly are we? I’m impossibly rich I never had to learn 7

how to read a map properly. 8 9 DAVE 10

Me neither. 11 DOMINIC 12 (points) 13 Isn’t that Hillhay Castle? 14

15 DANIELLE 16

Well, it sure isn’t Hilary Clinton, so it must be. That means we’re in… 17 18 DOMINIC 19 Oh no… PENVENTINUE WOOD!!! 20

21 THE WEALTHY PEOPLE IMMEDIATELY CHECK ABOUT THEIR PERSON. 22 23

DAVE 24 Calamity, I’ve lost my huge, overly stuffed wallet. 25

26 DANIELLE 27

And my ridiculously expensive jewellery is all gone. 28 29 DOMINIC 30 My gentleman’s purse full of cash has been half-inched. 31

32 SFX - AN ARROW SHOOTS ACROSS THE STAGE. 33 34

DANIELLE 35 What was that? 36

37 DAVE 38

Was it a bird? 39 40

DOMINIC 41 No! 42

43 SFX - A SECOND ARROW SHOOTS ACROSS THE STAGE. 44 45

DANIELLE 46 Was it a plane! 47

22

1 DOMINIC 2

(to audience) 3 Don’t worry you lot, we aren’t going to do the ‘Superman’ dance two years in 4 a row, we’ve got something else planned. 5

6 A THIRD ARROW. 7

8 DAVE 9

I don’t know why, but all this is making me thirsty! 10 11 HE PULLS OUT FROM HIS POCKET AND DRINKS FROM A CAN OF STRONGBOW. 12 13 A FOURTH AND FIFTH ARROW PING ACROSS STAGE. 14 15

DANIELLE 16 Could it be..? 17

18 DAVE / DANIELLE / DOMINIC 19

It must be Robin Hood! 20 AAARRRRGGGHHHH! 21

22 THEY EXIT. CURTAINS CLOSE. 23 24 F.O.T. - THE MERRY MEN ENTER, CARRYING THEIR LOOT AND COLLAPSE WITH LAUGHTER. 25 26 SONG - THE MERRY MEN WALK ON THE FRONT OF THE STAGE AND PERFORM THE BUGSY 27 MALONE CLASSIC – ‘BAD GUYS’. 28 29 THE SONG ENDS. 30

23

SCENE 6 – F.O.T. 1 THE TOWN CRIER ENTERS. 2 3 TOWN CRIER 4 Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! 5 Robberies on the increase. Tourism on the decrease. 6 Rich toffs choose to go to Charlestown instead! 7 Good riddance say the locals. 8 Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! 9 10 THE TOWN CRIER EXITS. 11

24

SCENE 7 – THE CASTLE. 1 CURTAINS OPEN. 2 3 THE SHERIFF IS STOOD CENTRE STAGE, LOOKING THROUGH AN ARGOS CATALOGUE. 4 5

SHERIFF 6 Blast it, this new PlayStation is no use without a wide screen TV, Guy. 7 What a pain in the buttocks. We must go and buy one forthwith. 8

9 GUY 10

That’s all very well, Sir, but we’re out of cash again. 11 12

SHERIFF 13 Blundering buffalos! We had 10 sacks of gold yesterday. 14 Where has that all gone? 15

16 GUY 17

Well, first there was the PS4, then the table to put it on and the surround 18 sound system. Then there was the selection of games, which aren’t cheap 19 you know… then the high speed broadband connection so you can play 20 online and finally the Chinese take-away that’s coming later, so you can have 21 an all-night gaming session; that last one was several bags of gold in itself! 22

23 SHERIFF 24

A thousand thunders! What a nuisance! 25 26

GUY 27 I hate to say it, but some of the townspeople are suggesting that you should 28 spend some of their taxes on… 29

30 SHERIFF 31

Oh don’t tell me, education, health and road safety… It’s always the same 32 with those blooming do-gooders! What about me? I have a shiny new 33 PlayStation that I can’t use! I need a wide screen TV and by gosh, I’m going 34 to get one. There’s only one thing for it… Raise taxes! 35

36 GUY 37

But Sir, the people haven’t got any more money to give you. 38 If we try to squeeze any more out of them, there’ll be a riot! 39

40 DANCE NUMBER – “I PREDICT A RIOT” BY KAISER CHIEFS. 41 SEVERAL CAST MEMBERS STORM THE STAGE FOR A BRIEF, FRENZIED DANCE ROUTINE. 42 43

SHERIFF 44 Well, if they have enough energy to riot, they’ve had too much to eat – that’s 45 what I say! You’re on very thin ice with me Guy, shall we go over it AGAIN 46

25

how Marion managed to make it here ALIVE, when I thought we had an 1 arrangement to ensure that she would arrive very, VERY dead. 2 3

GUY 4 I told you, she was being escorted by a big fat Friar. There was nothing I 5 could do! 6 7 SHERIFF 8 Hmmm, well, you go out into the villages and see if you can squeeze a few 9 coins out of the peasants. I’ll send word to Camelot… to apply for one of 10 their lottery grants, just in case all else fails. 11

12 ENTER MARION. 13 14

SHERIFF 15 Ah, my dear Marion. Come and see my new toy. 16 It’s called a PlayStation 4. It has 4K, whatever the heck that is!?! 17

18 SHE GOES TO TOUCH THE PS4 CONTROLLER. 19 20

SHERIFF (continued) 21 Wiggling water hogs! Don’t touch it! 22 Little girls might be allowed to play things on it on their birthday… 23 (to GUY) 24 …if they’re still alive by then. 25

26 MARION 27

Why are you keeping me a prisoner here Uncle? I can’t go anywhere 28 unescorted and I’m locked up in my room for 18 hours a day. 29 (Angry) 30 It’s just because you know that if I get married, I will receive my inheritance 31 and you will be out of a house and a job and without your beloved 32 PlayStation! 33 34 SHERIFF 35 You are treading on dangerous ground young Marion. If I ever hear such 36 dissention from you EVER again, I will make sure something terrible happens 37 to your beloved Nursey and arrange for it that you never see you parents 38 EVER again! 39

40 DUN—DUN-DER! 41 42 MARION GASPS. THE PERFECT TIME FOR NURSE LUSCIOUS TO ENTER. 43 44

NURSE LUSCIOUS 45 Hello Sheriff and my darling Marion… 46 Felt like my ears were burning, everything okay? 47

26

1 BEHIND NURSE LUSCIOUS’ BACK, THE SHERIFF MAKES A CUT THROAT GESTURE. MARION IS 2 CAUTIOUS. 3 4 MARION 5 Yes, yes… everything’s okay Nursey. How are you? 6

What brings you to the castle? 7 8 NURSE LUSCIOUS 9 I come with news that some of the families in the village are getting 10 desperate. My dear, brave friend Friar Tuck says those little Mix girls won’t 11 survive much longer. They’ve only lasted this long because of Robin Hood. 12

13 SHERIFF 14

Robin Hood? ROBIN HOOD?!? Satan’s slippers! If it wasn’t for Robin Hood 15 and your friend, the fat Friar – I wouldn’t need to raise taxes in the first place. 16 Every time I raise some dosh, they go and nick it, so I have to raise more, then 17 they go and nick it again! – Why does everyone like him so much? 18

19 GUY 20

Well Sir, unlike you, Robin spends the money he steals on education, 21 health care and road safety. 22

23 SHERIFF 24

…Road safety, schmoad safety! Come Guy, we must double our efforts and 25 hatch a plan to catch the outlaw Robin Hood once and for all! 26 (to MARION) 27 And remember what we talked about, keep schtum! 28 29

EXIT SHERIFF AND GUY. 30 31

MARION 32 Nursey, it’s good you are here… As much as I am enjoying staying here 33 (*ahem) I’ve been seriously thinking that I should try and find a suitor, so that 34 I won’t have to continue being such a burden on my Uncle. Do you have any 35 ideas? 36

37 NURSE LUSCIOUS 38

You’ve come to the right person for advice dear. I’ve been married 16 times! 39 40

MARION 41 16 times?! 42 43

NURSE LUSCIOUS 44 Yes, four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse. 45 46

47

27

MARION 1 But I’ve lived with you my whole life and never even met one of your 2 husbands! Where’s your husband right now? 3 4

NURSE LUSCIOUS 5 Ah well you see, sadly my last husband fell into a vat of granulated coffee and 6 was never seen again. It was a terrible way to go…but at least it was instant. 7 Then I had the misfortune of marrying a Knight In Armour, when he passed 8 his gravestone said ‘Rust In Peace’. 9 10

MARION 11 Well I beg of you to help me, for reasons I cannot disclose, I don’t get out 12 of the castle much these days, so meeting someone is next to impossible. 13 14 NURSE LUSCIOUS 15 I fear it’s slim pickings in this town. But we’ll see what we can do. Now, for 16 reasons I cannot disclose, I have to away to a secret rendezvous in the woods 17 with Friar Tuck. 18

19 NURSE LUSCIOUS LEAVES MARION ALONE IN THE CASTLE. 20 21

MARION 22 Friar Tuck? The woods? How very mysterious! 23

24 CURTAINS CLOSE. 25

28

SCENE 8 - F.O.T 1 ENTER SMASH AND GRAB, SMASH IS CARRYING A LARGE-ISH TRUNK. 2 3

GRAB 4 Come on Smash, we have to get this trunk to Hillhay, we mustn’t 5 be late for the Sheriff with these taxes. 6

7 SMASH 8

I’m going as fast as I can. If you’re so worried about the Sheriff, why 9 aren’t you helping me. 10

11 GRAB 12 (distracted by a noise) 13

I’m the brains of this operation, you’re the brawn! 14 Now be quiet, I think I heard something! 15

16 SMASH 17

Nah! It’s just the wind. 18 19

GRAB 20 (wafting his hand) 21

Well in future, lay off the baked beans will you! 22 23

SMASH 24 Ha ha. What’s wrong with you anyway, you’ve been jumpy 25 ever since we came into this forest? 26

27 GRAB 28

Don’t you know, this forest is the haunt of a desperate band? 29 30

SMASH 31 Not the Fowey Town Band? 32

33 GRAB 34

No, stupid, this is Penventinue Forest. 35 Home to Robin Hood! 36

37 SMASH 38

Ohhhh! 39 40 SMASH LOOKS OUT AND SUDDENLY SEES THE AUDIENCE. HE SHAKES GRAB’S ARM AND 41 POINTS TO THE AUDIENCE. 42 43

GRAB 44 Oh, hello my Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen! We are Smash and Grab of ACME 45 Enterprises. We specialise in thievery, removals and animal exterminations. 46 You want something removed and we remove it. 47

29

1 SMASH 2

No job is too big and no fee is too small. 3 4 GRAB 5 No no no… no job is too small and no fee is too big, idiot! 6 We also occasionally act as Bailiffs for the Sheriff. But he hasn’t paid us 7 in months, so we are literally down to our last penny. 8

9 SMASH 10

It’s worse than that Grab, I just spent it behind that tree over there… 11 12 GRAB 13 Oh no, he’s only gone and spent a penny… we are utterly destitute. 14 Now we’ll have to live by our wits! 15 16 SMASH 17 (nods at GRAB) 18 Which for him, is going to be a near impossibility. 19 Now come on GRAB, we’d better get going before Robin Hood and his merry 20 men finds us. 21

22 GRAB 23

Who are his Merry Men? 24 25 WHILE HE IS TALKING LITTLE JOHN, WILL SCARLET AND FRIAR TUCK (even fatter), 26 ACCOMPANIED BY MUCH WALK UP THROUGH THE AUDIENCE AND WAIT IN FRONT OF THE 27 STAGE, EACH REACTING AND LOOKING AT EACH OTHER AS THE DESCRIPTIONS ARE SAID 28 THEN GETTING UP ON THE APRON ONE BY ONE. 29 30

SMASH 31 Well apart from Robin Hood, there’s Little John who’s supposedly a giant… as 32 thick as a hedge and the personal hygiene of a sack of full of badgers. 33

34 GRAB 35 (looking at Little JOHN). 36

Nearly six feet tall? 37 38

SMASH 39 Yeah! Something like that. Then there’s a fat priest called 40 Tuck, because he is always tucking into food like a greedy pig. 41

42 GRAB 43

Does he look a bit like a tubby monk? 44 45

SMASH 46 You know of him then, yes? And finally there’s a nit wit called 47

30

Will Scarlet, he’s as shallow as a puddle and twice as dull. 1 If you see any of them just shout ‘run’! 2

3 GRAB 4 (thinking about it). 5

Does Will Scarlet wear red tights? 6 7

SMASH 8 Apparently so, yes. Pathetic hipster manchild. 9

10 GRAB 11

Okay. Errm, Smash… 12 13

SMASH 14 What? 15

16 GRAB 17 (points at the Angry Merry Men) 18

RUN! 19 20 THEY ARE CHASED OFF STAGE TO CHASE MUSIC. MUCH ISN’T QUITE SURE WHAT TO DO 21 WITH HIMSELF. 22 23 MUCH 24 Shall I just wait here then? 25 (no answer) 26 Okay then! 27 28 LIGHTS FADE DOWN. 29

31

SCENE 9 – THE WOODS. 1 CURTAINS OPEN. 2 3 THE MERRY MEN REAPPEAR ON STAGE AND REJOIN MUCH, DELIGHTED TO HAVE A TRUNK 4 FULL OF TREASURE. 5 6 LITTLE JOHN 7 If I ever lay eyes on those two again, they’ll be getting 8

an arrow straight up the jacksey! 9 10 ENTER ROBIN. 11 12

ROBIN 13 Ah, my men! Looks like you’ve got some more loot for us to hand out to the 14 poor and needy – good work. But right now I’d like to see how many 15 applicants we have for people to join our merry band of outlaws? 16

17 LITTLE JOHN 18

We have one today. This fella. Much, the Miller’s Son. 19 I have his CV here. 20

21 PASSES ROBIN A PAPER. 22 23

ROBIN 24 Let’s see… starving family to support, good… 25 Can’t read… not that useful... reminds me of a joke though… 26 (to audience) 27 Did you hear the one about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra? 28 (looks back to CV - rubs chin) 29 And you can’t shoot either? Now you may have a problem. 30 Can’t you handle a bow, lad? 31

32 MUCH BOWS WITH AN EXAGGERATED SWEEP OF HIS ARM. 33 34 ROBIN (continued) 35

No, that’s a bow. Not quite what we’re after… 36 (exasperated) 37 Where are you finding these people John? Tywardreath? 38

39 MUCH 40

I never practice, because I don’t have enough money to buy a 41 bow and arrows. 42

43 ROBIN 44

Well we’d better test you then. 45 (to the Merry Men) 46

Get a target and we’ll see what he can do. 47

32

1 THE MERRY MEN PUT A TARGET CENTRE STAGE. 2 3

MUCH 4 The sun is in my eyes, can you put it the other way. 5

6 THE MERRY MEN CHANGE IT AROUND SO THAT MUCH FACES DIRECTLY AT THE AUDIENCE! 7

8 MUCH (continued) 9 Can I borrow your bow and arrows Will? 10

11 ROBIN 12

No, you have to earn the right to carry a bow and arrows alongside 13 my men. We’ll get you something else to practice with. Will, go and 14 get the next best thing. 15

16 WILL BRINGS OUT A LARGE SUPER-SOAKER WATER PISTOL. 17 18

MUCH 19 Oh good, I should be able to hit the target with that, no trouble at all. 20

21 MERRY MEN 22

Oh no you won’t. 23 24

MUCH 25 Oh yes I will. 26 27 MERRY MEN 28 Oh no you won’t! 29 30 MUCH 31 Watch me! But I can’t see that, the suns in my eyes. Can you turn it round? 32

33 THE MERRY MEN TURN THE TARGET AROUND ON THE SPOT. 34 35 MUCH 36 No, I mean can you put it in a different place? 37 38 THE MERRY MEN PUT THE TARGET IN THE LINE OF SIGHT OF THE AUDIENCE. HE’’S SURE TO 39 SHOOT STRAIGHT AT THEM!!! 40 41 MUCH TRIES TO SHOOT WITH A WOBBLY HAND, AND EITHER SUCCEEDS IN SHOOTING THE 42 MERRY MEN OR THE AUDIENCE EACH TIME. THIS HAPPENS 5 TIMES, EACH TIME 43 ACCOMPANIED BY A DRAMATIC DRUM ROLL. 44 45

46 47

33

ROBIN 1 Well that’s not very good is it? You’ve got a worse aim than Plymouth Argyle! 2 I’m afraid you’ll have to practise your shooting and come back next week. 3

4 MUCH HANDS THE SUPER SOAKER TO ONE OF THE MERRY MEN AND WALKS TO THE FRONT 5 OF THE STAGE AND TALKS TO THE AUDIENCE – HE IS STILL CARRYING HIS SUPER SOAKER. 6 7

MUCH 8 I’m really disappointed and sad. 9

10 AUDIENCE REACTION – AHHHHHHH. 11 12 MUCH 13

No. Much more disappointed and sad than that. 14 15 AUDIENCE BIGGER REACTION - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. 16 17 MUCH 18

If I practise more, do you think Robin with let me join? 19 You do? Okay, I’ll keep practicing then. 20

21 MUCH WALKS TO SIDE OF STAGE AND COMES BACK WITH AN EVEN BIGGER SUPER SOAKER, 22 MAKES AS THOUGH HE’S GOING TO SHOOT THE AUDIENCE AGAIN, BUT THEN LOWERS HIS 23 SUPER SOAKER. 24 25 MUCH 26 Don’t worry, I’ll do my practicing later on. 27 28 ALL EXIT EXCEPT ROBIN AND LITTLE JOHN. 29 30

ROBIN 31 Little John, I keep meaning to ask, have you seen her recently? 32

33 JOHN 34

Who? 35 36

ROBIN 37 Maid Marion. Since we met, I can’t get her out of my head. I’m as giddy as a 38 baby deer on a frozen lake! The thought of her being the ward of the Sheriff 39 of Hillhay makes my blood run cold. 40

41 LITTLE JOHN 42

I hear that she’s locked up in the castle most of the day and when she is 43 allowed out, she has a bodyguard with her at all times. 44

45 46 47

34

ROBIN 1 (pondering) 2

I’ll have to rescue her somehow. 3 4

LITTLE JOHN 5 Well you’d better think fast, as I also hear that the Sheriff is planning to do 6 away with her, in order to keep her inheritance for himself. 7

8 ROBIN 9

I’ll go into Hillhay immediately and hatch a cunning plan en route. 10 11

LITTLE JOHN 12 Don’t be silly, the Sheriff will have you in a deep, dark dungeon before you 13 can let off a single shot. Now, we must deal with the matter at hand and 14 prepare our haul of loot. Nurse Luscious is coming to collect it, to distribute it 15 to the villagers. 16

17 EXIT ROBIN AND JOHN. 18

35

SCENE 10 – F.O.T. 1 ENTER MRS MIX WITH PERRIE, JADE, JESY AND LEIGH-ANNE – THE LITTLE MIX GIRLS, ALL 2 TIPTOEING QUIETLY. 3 4

MRS MIX 5 Girls! Girls! Quiet, someone’s coming. 6

7 ENTER NURSE LUSCIOUS. 8 9

NURSE LUSCIOUS 10 Good day Mrs Mix, Perrie, Jade, Jesy, Leigh-Anne! Looking lovely as usual. 11 Listen, I was just wandering in the forest when I bumped into a friendly Friar. 12 He asked me to give you this bag… 13

14 THE GIRLS TAKE THE BAG OF MONEY AND GRAB IT FROM EACH OTHER. 15 16

PERRIE 17 Oooo, what’s in it? Money? 18 19 JADE 20 Give it here, I want a look! 21 22 JESY 23 No, I want to have a look. 24

25 LEIGH-ANNE 26

Give it to me, give it to me! 27 28 THEY FIGHT OVER THE BAG. 29 30

NURSE LUSCIOUS 31 Err…girls, girls, I think I was supposed to share it out! 32

33 ROBIN CALLS IN LOUDLY. THE GIRLS STOP SQUABBLING. 34 35 ROBIN 36 (off stage) 37 Knock, knock! 38 39 EVERYONE STOPS WHAT THEY ARE DOING. MRS MIX TAKES THE BAG OF CASH – SHE LOOKS 40 INSIDE AND NEARY FAINTS! 41 42 THE LITTLE MIX GIRLS 43 (together) 44 Who’s there? 45 46 47

36

ROBIN 1 (off stage) 2 Robin! 3 4 THE LITTLE MIX GIRLS 5 (together) 6 Robin who? 7 8 ROBIN ENTERS. 9 10 ROBIN 11 Robin’ the rich, to feed the poor! 12 13

MRS MIX 14 Gracious we are blessed today. We have a bag full of cash and a dashing 15 hero come to visit. 16

17 NURSE LUSCIOUS STARES AT ROBIN AND HAS A BRAINWAVE. 18 19

NURSE LUSCIOUS 20 I say Robin, would you happen to be single? 21 22 ROBIN 23 Errm, actually yes. I don’t get out much, what with the robbing of the rich 24 and the giving back to the poor and trying to avoid being captured and all 25 that. 26 (wistful) 27 It can be a lonely life, that of an outlaw… Why do you ask? 28 29

THE LITTLE MIX GIRLS JOSTLE FORWARD, IN FRONT OF THEIR MOTHER. NURSE LUSCIOUS 30 SHOVES THEM BACK. 31

32 NURSE LUSCIOUS 33 (continued) 34 No, not you lot – I’ve had a better idea! Robin, how would you like to marry 35 my dear Marion? 36

37 ROBIN 38

Maid Marion? Oh such a fine creature would never even look at me, 39 would she? 40

41 NURSE LUSCIOUS 42

You’d be surprised… she’s quite up for the idea of marriage at the moment 43 for some unknown reason. 44

45 MRS MIX 46

I hear soldiers, quick Robin, get going! 47

37

1 NURSE LUSCIOUS 2 No time, get under here! 3

4 ENTER GUARDS. ROBIN HIDES BEHIND NURSE LUSCIOUS’ DRESS. 5 6

GUARD 1 7 We saw the outlaw Robin Hood come this way. 8 Which way did he go? 9

10 PERRIE 11

I didn’t see him did you? 12 13

LEIGH-ANNE 14 No. Robin Hood you say? 15 16 JESY 17 Haven’t seen him around here. 18

19 PERRIE 20

He’s not been here all day. 21 22

GUARD 2 23 He came this way – we saw him. 24

25 THE LITTLE MIX GIRLS 26

Oh no he didn’t. 27 28

GUARDS 29 Oh yes he did. 30

31 LITTLE MIX GIRLS / AUDIENCE 32

Oh no he didn’t. 33 34

GUARD 1 35 Oh for Heaven’s sake, you little Mixes are hopeless. 36 Quick march! 37

38 EXIT GUARDS ONE WAY. ROBIN’S HEAD POKES OUT FROM UNDER THE DRESS. THE LITTLE 39 MIX GIRLS TAKE ROBIN OFF THE OTHER WAY. 40 41

NURSE LUSCIOUS 42 Marion and Robin Hood? A marriage made in heaven! 43

44 MRS MIX 45

I wish I could be so lucky! I’ve four daughters and no money – these handouts 46 are alright for now, but we need a regular income, or eventually we’ll all 47

38

starve. But what can four young girls who look like a classic girl-band and 1 have a perfect tonal range, ever do to change their fortunes? Oh, woe is me! 2

3 EXIT ALL. LIGHTS FADE DOWN. 4 5 CURTAINS OPEN. 6

39

SCENE 11 – CASTLE 1 2 LIGHTS FADE UP. MARION IS SAT FORLORNLY. NURSE LUSCIOUS ENTERS HER ROOM. 3 4

MARION 5 Oh Nursey, have you come to raise my spirits? I’m as bored as a bored thing 6 on a Sunday afternoon in Boring land, when all the shops have shut. 7 What news? 8

9 NURSE LUSCIOUS 10

I bring exciting news of a potential suitor! 11 12 MARION 13 A suitor, how exciting indeed! 14 15 NURSE LUSCIOUS 16 What do you know of Robin Hood? 17

18 MARION 19

What?... Apart from being brave, wild, untamed, strong. 20 But why are we talking about him? 21

22 NURSE LUSCIOUS 23

Well, I have reason to believe that his is quite smitten with you. 24 25 MARION 26 Smitten? 27 28 NURSE LUSCIOUS 29 As a kitten, wearing a cute furry mitten. 30 31

MARION 32 This is wonderful news Nursey! Robin is a just and noble man and exactly the 33

kind of fellow a girl could marry. 34 35

NURSE LUSCIOUS 36 Exactly, now you must persuade your Uncle to let you go for a walk in the 37 woods, Robin will meet you there at midday tomorrow. 38 Ooo and wear your pretty bonnet! Now I must go… Good luck Marion. 39

40 EXIT NURSE LUSCIOUS STAGE RIGHT REAR. 41

40

SCENE 12 1 2 ENTER SHERIFF AND GUY STAGE LEFT FRONT. 3 4

SHERIFF 5 This is it. The letter from Camelot. We’ll get millions and I can buy anything I 6

like! I could even get some improvements done on this place – The Range 7 have got some lovely stuff in at the moment! 8

9 GUY 10

Sir, can’t you do all that anyway with Maid Marion’s fortune? 11 12

SHERIFF 13 Possibly, but while she’s still alive I can’t blow the whole lot. I must bide my 14 time with her. Besides, two fortunes are better than one, are they not? 15 16 GUY 17 What did you say you would spend the money on in your application? 18

19 SHERIFF 20

Oh, I can’t remember, a reservoir for the village or some such nonsense… 21 22

GUY 23 A reservoir, how lovely. People can feed the ducks and we could have a play 24

park for the kiddies. 25 26

SHERIFF 27 We’re not actually going to build a reservoir, you idiot! 28

Now this letter – oh dear, I can’t bear it – you read it to me! 29 30 GUY TAKES THE LETTER AND TURNS IT AROUND A FEW TIMES. 31 32

GUY 33 Which letter do you want me to read? 34

35 SHERIFF 36

All of them… you Muppet! 37 38

GUY 39 Okay, if you insist… Dear Mr Sheriff, thank you for your application for lottery 40

money to build a reservoir for Hillhay. We sometimes get bogus claims, so 41 we check each application carefully and I’m afraid we cannot find this 42 ‘Hillhay’ place of which you speak anywhere on the map. If you can prove to 43 us that this place actually exists, then please feel free to make a second 44 application. Yours, Sir Lancelot of the Lottery Lakes Commission. 45

46 47

41

SHERIFF 1 Whimpering witches! Give me that! Can’t find Hillhay? Can’t find Hillhay! 2 The cheek of it. I cheat my way to gaining the coveted title of Sheriff of 3 Hillhay and this upstart from Camelot says he’s never heard of it! What is it 4 that they do all day in Camelot anyway? 5

6 SONG - FOUR KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE ENTER STAGE LEFT, A SONG AND DANCE 7 NUMBER ENSUES – ‘KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE’ FROM SPAMALOT / MONTY PYTHON’S 8 HOLY GRAIL. 9 10 THE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE LEAVE AND THE SHERIFF GOES CONTINUES THE SCENE 11 FROM WHERE HE LEFT OFF. 12

13 SHERIFF 14

(continued) 15 Well, that explains it! 16 Guy, this is serious… what could we do to put Hillhay on the map? 17

18 GUY 19

To make Hillhay hip? 20 (thinks) 21

Hmmm, we could have an art festival. 22 23

SHERIFF 24 That’s NEVER going work here. Let’s try not to be too ambitious… 25

It was bad enough when we had all the houses painted different colours. 26 27

GUY 28 What about… hosting The Oscars? 29 30

SHERIFF 31 Too much. 32

(thinks) 33 A re-launch of Status Quo? 34

35 GUY 36

Too late. Hmmm. Let’s think about it over the news. 37 38 SWITCHES ON THE TV. AN ADVERT FOR X-FACTOR IS ON, PRESENTED BY SIMON COWELL – 39 WHO IS WEARING RIDICULOUSLY HIGH WAISTED TROUSERS AND CHERYL TWEEDY COLE 40 FERNANDEZ VESINI PAYNE, WHO HAS A VERY, VERY BROAD GEORIDIE ACCENT! 41 42

SHERIFF 43 Urggh, not Simon Cowell! 44

45 46 47

42

SIMON COWELL 1 It’s that time of year, when we start looking for the best and worst musical 2 acts in the UK and this year there’s a predictably boring twist – we’re taking 3 the show on the road, aren’t we Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Vesini-4 Payne!?! 5

6 CHERYL TWEEDY-COLE-FERNANDEZ-VESINI-PAYNE 7

Eeeeee yes, Simon Cowell, and what we need is for youse lot to get in touch 8 with us and, very conveniently for the plot of this pantomime like, suggest a 9 venue to host the very first show. Alreet pets? 10

11 SIMON COWELL 12

That’s right, Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Vesini-Payne, we want you to 13 phone in and offer us a venue for the opening nights show! It’s guaranteed 14 to put any place that hosts us on the map! Yes, you heard me right viewers... 15 I said ON THE MAP! 16

17 CHERYL TWEEDY-COLE-FERNANDEZ-VESINI-PAYNE 18

Aye and what’s more like, even though it makes no logical sense... anyone 19 who lives doon in the toon who hosts us, will immediately be given a slot on 20 the bill! Isn’t that a reet belter man? 21 22 SIMON COWELL 23 Yes, it is Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Vesini-Payne! And even crazier, the 24 winner of that first show will receive a prize of ten thousand pounds! 25 So get calling us… 26 27

THE SHERIFF SWITCHES OFF THE TV. 28 29

SHERIFF 30 Are you thinking what I’m thinking? 31 32

GUY 33 Where do babies come from? 34 35 THE SHERIFF SLAPS GUY AROUND THE HEAD. 36 37

SHERIFF 38 Numbskull! 39 40 THE SHERIFF TAKES OUT A MOBILE PHONE FROM HIS POCKET AND PRESSES A FLURRY OF 41 BUTTONS… THEY BEEP QUICKLY AND LOUDLY. 42 43 THE SHERIFF PUTS THE PHONE TO HIS EAR. WE CAN ONLY HEAR HIS SIDE OF THE 44 CONVERSATION. 45

46 47

43

SHERIFF 1 Hello, is that Simon Cowell from The X-Factor? 2

(pause) 3 Great. I have just the place for you to stage your show. 4 (pause) 5 Yep. No. Yep. Yep. No. Yes we do. 6 (pause) 7 Awesome. Bye Simon Cowell. 8

9 HE HANGS UP. 10 11 SHERIFF (continued) 12

Sorted! Right Guy, the stage is set! We’ll host X-Factor, put Hillhay on the 13 map and then I’ll re-apply for the Lottery Fund. Now I just need to figure out 14 a way to get rid of Marion and I’ll have three irons in the fire. All of them will 15 hopefully pay off and I’ll have money, money, MONEY!!!! 16

17 DRAMATIC MUSIC BLARES AS THE SHERIFF LAUGHS MANICALLY, WALKING OFF STAGE, THEN 18 WE LAUNCH INTO SONG AND DANCE: ABBA’S MONEY, MONEY, MONEY. 19 20 END OF PART ONE! 21 22 I N T E R V A L 23

44

PART TWO 1 2 CURTAINS OPEN. 3 OPENING SONG AND DANCE WITH THE WHOLE CAST. A TRUNCATED VERSION OF FRED 4 ASTAIRE’S PUTTIN’ ON THE RITZ. 5 6 CURTAINS CLOSE. 7

45

CURTAINS OPEN. 1 2 SCENE 13 - INT. SHERIFF’S CASTLE. 3 4 THE SHERIFF IS STOOD CENTRE STAGE, CHECKING OUT SEVERAL OUTRAGEOUS OUTFITS ON 5 A CLOTHES RACK, WHILST EATING A BAG OF CHEESE AND ONION CRISPS (ONE OUTFIT OF 6 WHICH WE WILL SEE HIM WEARING LATER ON-STAGE AT X-FACTOR) 7 8 ENTER SMASH AND GRAB. 9 10

SHERIFF 11 Ah, Smash and Grab, just the men I wanted to see! This bag of crisps hasn’t 12 satisfied me – I’m still hungry. Quick, make me a sandwich! 13

14 GRAB 15

Poof! You’re a sandwich! 16 17

SHERIFF 18 Ugh. That joke was so poor, Robin Hood should give it some money! 19

20 GRAB 21

Speaking of which…have you got the money you owe us, Sheriff? 22 23 SHERIFF 24 Errm… no, but I’ve got something even better than that - I’ve got another job 25

for you! Are you both still in the extermination business?!? 26 27 SMASH 28 That we are… there isn’t a critter alive that we can’t handle! 29

30 SHERIFF 31

Well, how about a very large critter? 32 33

GRAB 34 How large a critter are we talking? 35 36 SHERIFF 37 (lifts hand to MARION’s height) 38

Oh, about ‘so’ high. 39 40 SMASH 41 (aghast) 42 How high? 43 44

GRAB 45 What kind of creature is it? 46 47

46

SHERIFF 1 A girl-shaped kind. 2 3

SMASH 4 (doubly aghast) 5

Girl-shaped? 6 7 SHERIFF 8 Yep, I need away with my niece! 9 10

GRAB 11 (rubs chin) 12

A bit out of our league, that… 13 (to audience) 14

What do you lot think? Is that a bit too evil? 15 16 AUDIENCE REACTION. 17 18

GRAB 19 Did you hear that? No, I don’t think we can. We’d like to oblige but 20

there are limits, even for a pair of no-good dirty hoodlums like us. 21 22 SMASH 23 Yeah, we’re not the kind of men who’ll do literally ANYTHING 24 for money. 25

26 THE SHERIFF PULLS A WAD OF NOTES OUT OF HIS POCKET. 27 28

SHERIFF 29 How about two hundred quid? 30 31 SMASH AND GRAB LOOK AT EACH OTHER, EYES WIDENING. 32 33

SMASH / GRAB 34 We’ll do it! 35 36

SHERIFF 37 Good men! Right, come to the castle tomorrow. I’ll arrange for one of my 38

guards to take Marion for a walk in the woods and conveniently lose sight of 39 her… Then you’ll have your chance to nab her. 40

41 GRAB 42 Any preference on how you want us to do away with her? 43 44 SHERIFF 45 No, not really… maybe feed her to a bear, or a wolf… heck, a bunch of hungry 46

squirrels for all I care… anything as long as no one finds out what has 47

47

happened to her, then I’ll inherit her fortune and, as in all good fairy tales, 1 live happily ever after! 2

3 HE BREAKS OUT INTO AN EVIL LAUGH, THEN STOPS SUDDENLY. 4 5 SHERIFF 6 Oh, by the way, what happened to that sandwich you were supposed to 7

bringing me? 8 9

GRAB 10 I was once questioned about the theft of a cheese toastie – man, they really 11 grilled me. Never made a sandwich since. 12

(pulling a bowl from behind his back) 13 But will this do instead, Sire? 14

15 SHERIFF 16

What is it? 17 18

GRAB 19 It’s Bean Soup. 20

21 SHERIFF 22

I don’t care what it’s been! I want to know what it IS? Oh never mind, 23 more importantly, where is the trunk of gold you were 24 supposed to bringing to me? 25

26 SMASH AND GRAB LOOK SHEEPISH. 27 28 SMASH 29 Err, we had a little bit of bandit trouble. 30 31 GRAB 32 Sorry. 33 34 THE SHERIFF IS UNCONCERNED. 35 36 SHERIFF 37 No matter… with your help, soon I shall become the wealthiest 38

man in all of Hillhay! 39 40 HE BREAKS OUT INTO YET ANOTHER EVIL LAUGH. 41 42 CURTAINS CLOSE. 43 44 THE SHERIFF POKES HIS HEAD OUT AND LAUGHS EVILY SOME MORE! 45

48

SCENE 14 - F.O.T. 1 2 THE TOWN CRIER COMES ON STAGE. ALREADY IN SITU ARE THE LITTLE MIX GIRLS. 3 4

TOWN CRIER 5 Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! X-Factor contest to take place at the castle 6 tonight. All entries will be judged by TV’s Simon Cowell and Cheryl Tweedy-7 Cole-Fernandez-Vesini-Payne! Tax on singing to be abolished! Tax on high 8 waistbands for X-Factor hosts to be instated! Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! 9

10 PERRIE 11

A singing contest! Wow! 12 13 JESY 14 It’s what we’ve all been waiting for! 15

16 LEIGH-ANNE 17

This could be our only chance at fame and fortune! 18 19

JADE 20 We have to think of the best song we can sing, this could turn around the 21

fortunes of the Mix family forever! 22 23 PERRIE 24 How about… 25 26 THE LITTLE MIX GIRLS TRY OUT SEVERAL HARMONIES/ MIXED MEDLEY OF CLASSIC LITTLE 27 MIX SONGS WHILST WE RESET BEHIND STAGE. 28 29 EXIT ALL. 30 31 A NEW DAY. A COCK CROWS. 32

49

SCENE 15 – THE WOODS. 1 2 ENTER MARION. SHE IS DRESSED IN A RED CLOAK AND CARRYING A BASKET. THIS SCENE 3 LOOKS ALL TOO FAMILIAR – BUT FROM A DIFFERENT FAIRYTALE! 4 5 MARION 6 (to herself) 7

So strange, I thought it would be much more difficult to persuade Uncle to let 8 me outside the castle gates and it was so easy to lose my guard escort in the 9 forest! Oh well, now to pass some time while I wait for Robin. 10

11 MARION STOPS TO PICK SOME FLOWERS. 12 13 ENTER A WOLF TO THE OPPOSITE STAGE EDGE. HE SPEAKS WITH A COCKNEY ACCENT, LIKE 14 ALL GOOD PANTOMIME WOLVES SHOULD. 15 16

WOLF 17 (aside) 18

Allo, allo, allo! A girl in the woods picking flowers in the middle of a 19 pantomime. Sounds like a job for Mr Wolf! 20

21 HE EXITS, JUST AS MARION GETS A HINT OF HIM BEING THERE. 22 23

MARION 24 (to audience) 25

I thought I saw a wolf over there. Was I imagining it? 26 (carries on picking flowers) 27 28

THE WOLF POKES ITS HEAD OUT, BUT MARION MISSES IT AGAIN. 29 30 MARION (continued) 31 Was that it again? Would you help me and tell me if you see it? 32 If I say ‘Where wolf?’, can you all point and say “There wolf!” 33 Can we have a practice? 34 Where wolf? 35

36 THE AUDIENCE RESPONDS, “THERE WOLF”. 37 38 MARION (continued) 39

That’s great. Do it just like that. And do let me know if I don’t spot him too. 40 Wouldn’t want him sneaking up on me would I? 41

42 THE WOLF POPS UP. THE AUDIENCE SHOUTS, BUT HE DISAPPEARS BEFORE SHE SEES HIM. 43 44

MARION 45 Yes, alright we have had enough practice, I’ve got to pick more flowers now. 46

47

50

THE WOLF POPS UP. 1 2

AUDIENCE 3 There wolf! 4 5

MARION 6 Where wolf? Now you are all getting silly, I told you to only shout 7

when you see the wolf! 8 9 HE POPS UP AGAIN – THE AUDIENCE SCREAMS. 10 11 MARION 12

What…? Where? I can’t see it. 13 14 HE POKES HIS HEAD OUT AGAIN! 15 16

AUDIENCE 17 There wolf! 18

19 MARION 20

Where wolf? Oh no I missed it again. 21 I think you lot are playing tricks on me aren’t you! 22

23 MARION CARRIES ON PICKING FLOWERS. THE WOLF CREEPS OUT AND TAPS MARION ON 24 THE SHOULDER. SHE TURNS THE WRONG WAY AND THEN SEES IT – SHE JUMPS. 25 26

Wolf 27 Hello little girl, can I be of assistance? 28 29

MARION 30 You’re a talking wolf! 31 32

WOLF 33 That’s right and you’re a rather tasty looking girl and I 34

haven’t had my breakfast yet! 35 36 MARION IS NOT IN THE LEAST BIT SCARED. THE WOLF LOOKS AT THE AUDIENCE, THEN BACK 37 AT MARION – HE’S WAITING FOR SOMETHING… 38 39 WOLF 40 So… aren’t you going to tell me what big eyes I have? 41 42 MARION 43 No? Why would I? 44 45 THE WOLF IS CAUGHT OFF GUARD. 46 47

51

WOLF 1 Oh. Well, what about my ears? Anything to say about those? 2 3 MARION 4 No. 5 6

WOLF 7 Big teeth? 8 9 MARION 10 What are you on about? 11

12 WOLF 13 (frustrated) 14 So where exactly are you headed? 15 Let me guess, you’re looking for Grandma’s house, right? 16

17 MARION 18

Grandma’s house? No, I’m waiting for Robin Hood… 19 20

WOLF 21 Robin Hood? 22 (to audience) 23 Sorry, sorry, hold on a minute. I think I’m in the wrong show here. 24 This isn’t the Little Red Riding Hood panto, is it? 25 26 AUDIENCE ANSWER ‘NO’ 27 28 WOLF 29 Man, I’m going to have to have a word with my agent! 30 31 WOLF SHRUGS AND WALKS OFF STAGE IN A GRUMP. 32 33 MARION 34 Well, THAT was a lucky escape. 35

Now, I must go and try to find Robin. 36 37 MARION EXITS STAGE LEFT HUMMING A SONG TO HERSELF HAPPILY. 38 39 LIGHTS FADE DOWN. 40 41 LIGHTS FADE UP. 42 43 ENTER ROBIN HOOD, WILL SCARLET AND LITTLE JOHN FROM STAGE RIGHT. 44 45

WILL 46 So how did we do this week Robin? 47

52

1 ROBIN 2

A few sheckles, we’ve helped out the Mix family, but not got enough to feed 3 an entire village, I’m afraid. We’re going to have to be a bit more creative if 4 we want to get the big bucks. 5

6 WILL SCARLET 7

I haven’t seen any Bucks in the forest lately, not even Starbucks and they 8 keep popping up everywhere! 9

10 LITTLE JOHN SLAPS WILL SCARLET AROUND THE HEAD. 11 12

LITTLE JOHN 13 What do you mean Robin? Creative? 14

15 ROBIN 16

It’s no good just taking loose change, we need to persuade people to part 17 with even more of their money. 18

19 WILL SCARLET 20

And we persuade them, how exactly? 21 22 ROBIN REACHES INTO HIS POCKET… 23 24

ROBIN 25 By employing the most fiendishly clever disguises ever created. 26

27 …TAKES OUT... 28

29 ROBIN 30

Behold! 31 32 …SEVERAL TERRIBLE COMEDY MOUSTACHES. 33

34 ROBIN 35 With these state-of-the-art disguises we can mix freely with the nobility of 36

Hillhay and extort even more money from them. It’s fool proof! 37 38 ROBIN’S MERRY MEN SEEM UNCONVINCED. 39 40

WILL 41 Hey-ho, look out… here comes a fool right now – it’s the Sheriff. 42

43 ROBIN 44

Now’s our chance men, just follow my lead. 45 46

53

HE HANDS OUT THE FAKE FACIAL HAIR. THE THREE OF THEM TURN THEIR BACKS TO DON 1 THEIR DISGUISE. ENTER SHERIFF AND GUY. GUY IS CARRYING A BAG OF GOLD. 2 3

GUY 4 Are you sure it’s safe here in the woods, Sire? We’ve only just managed to 5 raise enough for your widescreen TV. 6

7 SHERIFF 8

Safe? I’m the Sheriff of these woods – nobody would dare attack me here. 9 10

GUY 11 Not even Robin Hood and the Merry Men? 12

13 SHERIFF 14

It’ll take more than Robin Hood and his Merry Men to get my money. 15 I could outsmart them with my eyes closed! 16

17 GUY 18

Well I hope you’re right. Uh-oh. Watch out Sire, those three strangers look a 19 bit dodgy to me. 20

21 ROBIN (IN DISGUISE) ALONG WITH HIS MEN, TURN ROUND TO FACE THE SHERIFF. 22 THE SHERIFF DOESN’T RECOGNISE THEM AT ALL. 23 24

SHERIFF 25 (to GUY) 26

Nonsense, I think they are probably just tourists. 27 We must welcome them. 28 (to ROBIN) 29 Good morning gentlemen, what brings you to these beautiful woods? 30

31 ROBIN 32

We’re here on business, but we wouldn’t want to bore you with talk of 33 all of that, would we gentlemen? 34

35 WILL & LITTLE JOHN SHAKE THEIR HEADS ‘NO, NO, NO’. 36 37

SHERIFF 38 Business you say? Well, I’m something of an entrepreneur myself 39 you know! 40

41 ROBIN 42

An entrepreneur? Glad to hear it. You won’t be interested in what 43 we’re up to though, I’m sure… 44 45

46 47

54

SHERIFF 1 (intrigued) 2

Well try me… What’s the deal? 3 4 ROBIN 5 (to his men) 6 What do you think? Shall we tell him? 7 8 THEY NOD. 9 10

ROBIN 11 I will tell you, but you must promise to keep it to yourself as it’s the most 12 amazing business proposition of our time. It’s also a tad illegal. Do you have 13 a problem with that? 14

15 SHERIFF 16 Not at all, I like to bend the rules myself every now and again. 17 18 ROBIN 19 Okay then, there’s a Scout Hut near here, yes. 20

21 SHERIFF 22

Yes, I believe there is. 23 24

ROBIN 25 Well, we happen to know, from the cash-strapped scout leader, that 26 it is heavily insured. 27

28 SHERIFF 29

It is? 30 31

ROBIN 32 It is! And we are going to blow it up and split the insurance money. 33

34 THE SHERIFF LOOKS CONCERNED. ROBIN AND HIS MEN FEAR THE GAME IS UP… 35 36

SHERIFF 37 That is… BRILLIANT! Isn’t it, Guy? 38 39 GUY 40 And also highly illegal, Sire. 41 42 ROBIN 43 Do you want in on it? 44 45 SHERIFF 46 Me? In on it? How would I do that? 47

55

1 ROBIN 2 Well, you can keep some of the insurance money, but you’ve got to buy 3 in from the start! 4

5 THE SHERIFF IS EXCITED. 6 7

SHERIFF 8 What do you need? 9

10 ROBIN 11

A bag of gold up front, for the explosives. 12 13

SHERIFF 14 Seems reasonable to me! Guy, hand them the cash then. 15

16 GUY HANDS OVER HIS BAG OF GOLD RELUCTANTLY. 17 18 GUY 19 I still think this is a big mistake, Sire. 20 21 SHERIFF 22 Nonsense, Guy. 23 24 LITTLE JOHN STARTS TO SNIFFLE… WHICH BUILDS TO AN ALMIGHTY SNEEZE, WHICH BLOWS 25 HIS MOUSTACHE CLEAN OFF HIS FACE! 26 27 SHERIFF 28 Gadzooks! It’s one of Robin Hood’s men! 29 30

ROBIN 31 (lifting his hat) 32

It’s been a pleasure doing business with you, Sheriff. 33 (pulls off moustache) 34 We’ll be in touch. 35

36 EXIT ROBIN AND GANG, RUNNING. THE SHERIFF IS IN SHOCK. 37 38

SHERIFF 39 What just happened here? 40

41 GUY 42

You just gave Robin Hood your TV gold, Sire. 43 44 THE SHERIFF SCREAMS IN RAGE. 45 46

47

56

SHERIFF 1 Oh I hate, I hate, I HATE ROBIN HOOD! 2

3 GUY 4

It was quite a good idea about the Scout Hut. 5 You should bear it in mind. 6

7 SHERIFF 8

Oh shut up! Now let’s head back to the castle. I want it cleaned before that 9 Simon Cowell fellow turns up. I hear he’s very particular! 10

11 THEY LEAVE STAGE. 12 13 LIGHTS FADE DOWN. 14 15 LIGHTS FADE UP. 16 17 ENTER ROBIN, WITH LITTLE JOHN, WILL SCARLET AND FRIAR TUCK (fatter than ever), ALL IN 18 THEIR MOUSTACHE DISGUISES. 19 20

ROBIN 21 Men, that was by far one of our greatest robberies ever! 22 23

LITTLE JOHN 24 These disguises are amazing Robin. 25

26 ROBIN 27 Told you so, didn’t I… 28 29 MAID MARION ENTERS FROM THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE STAGE. HE WALKS OVER TO HER, 30 SHE BACKS AWAY. 31 32

ROBIN 33 My fair lady Marion, you’re here. 34 35 MARION 36 Stay back unknown scoundrel! 37 38 ROBIN 39 What? Oh… 40 (takes off moustache) 41 It’s me, Robin… 42 43 MARION IMMEDIATELY RECOGNISES HIM. THE REST OF THE MERRY MEN TAKE OFF THEIR 44 DISGUISES TOO. 45 46 47

57

MARION 1 Robin, it’s you, you’re here! 2 3 ROBIN 4 As promised. Sorry if we were a tad late, we happened across the 5

Sheriff and we alleviated him of this troublesome sack of gold, didn’t 6 we fellas? 7

(To FRIAR TUCK) 8 Anything interesting in there, Friar? 9 10 THEY ALL CROWD AROUND THE SACK. 11 12

FRIAR TUCK 13 (pulls out a flier from sack) 14

What’s this? There’s a letter in here too! 15 Hillhay to host the X-Factor contest. 16 All entries welcome. Each performer or group will be judged by 17 Simon Cowell and Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Vesini-Payne. 18 First prize of ten thousand pounds to the best act. 19

20 ROBIN / MARION 21

Simon Cowell coming to Hillhay? 22 23

WILL SCARLET 24 Ten grand?… It’s our big chance lads! 25

26 LITTLE JOHN 27

Big chance… yeah, we’ll rob Simon Cowell! 28 He must be worth a few groats by now. 29

30 WILL SCARLET 31

Goats? What do you mean goats? 32 (to audience) 33 Oh, sorry – we did that gag to death last year as well, didn’t we?!? 34 (to Merry Men) 35

No guys, I mean we can enter the contest. 36 37

FRIAR TUCK 38 What? You’re Will Scarlet, not Will.I.am, you know! 39 40

WILL SCARLET 41 Look, this gig we have here in the forest, it’s not going to last forever is it? 42

When Robin and Marion get married, she’ll become the Sheriff and Hillhay 43 won’t need heroes like us anymore. What’ll we do then? I’m just thinking of 44 our future! 45

46 47

58

ROBIN 1 Hang on Will, married? Marion and I haven’t even discussed… 2 3 MARION 4 I do… 5 6 ROBIN 7 You do? 8 9 MARION 10 Uh-huh! And not only because a marriage of convenience will help 11

me regain the family title of Sheriff, I think I may actually love you a bit too. 12 13 ROBIN 14 Result! 15 16 MARION 17 And I’m not bad at carrying a tune myself. But how will we all enter the 18

contest? The Sheriff would never let me have a chance of winning and if he 19 even gets a whiff of you lot, he’ll have you arrested on the spot. I couldn’t 20 bear to lose you when we’ve only just found each other. 21

22 ROBIN AND HIS MEN ALL SMILE. 23 24 ROBIN 25 Well, he’ll definitely get a whiff of Friar Tuck, but as for the rest of us, 26

don’t worry, Marion. I have a ‘tache for that. 27 28 ROBIN HANDS MARION A FAKE MOUSTACHE, WHICH HE PUTS ON HER. 29 30 LIGHTS DOWN. 31

59

SCENE 16 – LIGHTS UP. 1 2 ROBIN AND MARION HAVE MOVED TO F.O.T. BOTH STILL WEARING THEIR SILLY 3 MOUSTACHES. 4 5 SONG - ROBIN TAKES MARION’S HANDS IN HIS… HE STARTS TO SING TO HER. DURING THE 6 SONG MARION JOINS IN AS WELL, IT’S A PIANO-LED COVER VERSION OF GUNS N’ ROSES 7 ‘SWEET CHILD O’ MINE’. 8

60

SCENE 17 –THE WOODS – SUNDOWN 1 LIGHTING CHANGE FOR SMASH AND GRAB. 2 3 ENTER SMASH AND GRAB. IT GETS DARKER AS THE SCENE PROGRESSES. 4 5

SMASH 6 I’m really hungry. We’ve been wandering around this forest all day. 7 8

GRAB 9 I know, I know. I’m hungry too, why didn’t we think to bring a packed lunch? 10 11 SMASH 12 We were only supposed to be out for an hour and besides, we haven’t any 13

money to buy food. 14 15 GRAB 16

I could eat an elephant sandwich right now. 17 18

SMASH 19 No you couldn’t! 20 21

GRAB 22 Why not? 23 24

SMASH 25 ‘Cos we haven’t got any bread! Boom boom. 26 27 GRAB SMACKS SMASH ON THE HEAD WITH HIS HAT. 28 29

SMASH (continued) 30 The Sheriff’s going to be so mad at us… we’re supposed to have fed 31 his niece to a pack of hungry squirrels hours ago! 32 33 A WOLF HOWLS IN THE DISTANCE. THEY LOOK NERVOUSLY AROUND AND STAND A LITTLE 34 CLOSER TO EACH OTHER. 35 36 GRAB 37

Can you remember the way back? 38 39

SMASH 40 Errm, can’t you? 41 42

SMASH 43 Nope, I thought you were going to remember the important stuff like that. 44 45 AN OWL HOOTS. 46 47

61

SMASH (continued) 1 I’m scared, Grab. 2 3

GRAB 4 Don’t be silly, be brave like me. I’ll look after you. 5 6 IT IS GETTING DARKER AND THIS TIME A SPOOKY GHOST HOWL FILLS THE AIR. 7 8

SMASH 9 What the heck was that? 10 11

GRAB 12 I’m not entirely sure... 13 14 SMASH 15 It sounded like some kind of ghost to me… 16

You know these woods are supposed to be haunted! 17 18 GRAB 19 Well then, you don’t have to worry. 20 21 SMASH 22 Why’s that? 23 24 GRAB 25 Because, I ain’t afraid of no ghosts! 26 27 DANCE NUMBER! THE OPENING BARS OF ‘GHOSTBUSTERS’ START UP… UV LIGHTS ON 28 STAGE FLICKER ON, ILLUMNATING A SPOOKY, GHOSTLY FOREST ALONG WITH UV PAINT ON 29 SMASH AND GRABS EXTERMINATOR BACKPACKS – IT’S ONLY THE FLIPPIN’ GHOSTBUSTERS 30 LOGO!!! THE AUDIENCE ARE ENCOURAGED TO SING ALONG WITH THE CHORUS. 31 32 SMASH AND GRAB SPEND THE DANCE NUMBER WARDING OFF VARIOUS SPOOKS AND 33 GHOULS! 34 35 SONG ENDS. 36 CURTAINS CLOSE. 37

62

SCENE 18 – F.O.T. 1 2 THE SHERIFF IS LOOKING THROUGH AN ELVIS PRESLEY SONGBOOK. A GUARD STANDS BY 3 THE DOOR. ENTER NURSE LUSCIOUS WEARING A FLAMBOYANT WEDDING HAT. 4 5

NURSE LUSCIOUS 6 Sheriff, I need to talk to you about Marion, 7 I have dramatic news. 8

9 SHERIFF 10

Oh no, she hasn’t been eaten by squirrels has she? 11 That is truly tragic… 12

13 NURSE LUSCIOUS 14

Squirrels? No! 15 16

SHERIFF 17 What?!! So she’s alright then? 18 19

NURSE LUSCIOUS 20 No, she’s half left! (sniggers) 21 22

SHERIFF 23 Ugh you silly woman! And what’s that monstrosity on top of your head? 24 25

NURSE LUSCIOUS 26 It’s my new hat – things have been a bit stressful of late, and whenever I’m 27 down in the dumps, I get myself a new hat. 28 29 SHERIFF 30

(sarcastically) 31 The dumps…I wondered where you got all your clothes from. 32 33

NURSE LUSCIOUS 34 Oi! I’ll have you know that this is the hat I’ll be wearing to Maid Marion’s 35 wedding – for that’s my news, sire, she is to marry! 36 37

SHERIFF 38 (angry) 39

MARRY!?! Oh no she isn’t! 40 41 NURSE LUSCIOUS 42 Oh yes she is. 43 44 SHERIFF 45 Oh NO SHE ISN’T! 46 47

63

NURSE LUSCIOUS 1 Oh yes she is! She and Robin Hood plan to wed as soon as the X-Factor show 2 is over. 3

4 SHERIFF 5

Robin Hood again. She’s marrying that tight-wearing Muppet?!? 6 This is terrible news, absolutely terrible. 7

8 NURSE LUSCIOUS 9

Terrible? 10 11

SHERIFF 12 Marion and Robin Hood mean to get married in order to get her full 13 inheritance and turn me out of my job as Sheriff! I can’t think of anything 14 terribler. 15

16 NURSE LUSCIOUS 17

Well, those were the terms of your employment when your brother 18 abdicated his position. You must abide by them… 19

20 SHERIFF 21 (evily) 22

I abide by nothing and no man! 23 Guards, take this old hag and throw her in the dungeon! 24 25 NURSE LUSCIOUS 26 What! 27

28 GUARD 1 29

Yes, Sir! Come along Hag! 30 31

SHERIFF 32 And if Marion ever comes in from her walk, lock her in the dungeon too. 33 We shall deal with them both after we put Hillhay on the map by staging the 34 greatest singing contest Simon Cowell has ever seen! 35

36 GUARD 2 37

Yes, Sir! 38 39 NURSE LUSCIOUS 40 You won’t get away with this! 41 42 SHERRIF 43 Oh yes I will! 44 45 NURSE LUSCIOUS 46 Oh no you won’t! 47

64

1 SHERRIF 2 Oh yes I will! Guards… 3 4 GUARD 1 5 Yes, sir? 6 7 SHERIFF 8 Gag the hag! 9 10

GUARD 1 11 Yes, sir! 12 13 THE GUARDS STICK A SOCK IN NURSE LUSCIOUS’ MOUTH, THEN MARCH NURSE LUSCIOUS 14 OFF THE STAGE. 15 16 SHERIFF 17 (off stage) 18 Guy, GUY! 19 20 GUY RUNS IN. 21 22 GUY 23 Sire. 24 25 SHERIFF 26 Prepare my wardrobe, we have a show to ready for. 27

I fancy my chances of winning that ten grand myself! 28 29 THE SHERIFF WALKS UP TO THE AUDIENCE. 30 31 SHERIFF 32 (to audience) 33 And you lot had better not get in my way either! In fact, I want you to clap 34

along with all the songs when you hear them, okay? You know how to clap 35 your hands don’t you?? 36

37 DANCE NUMBER (AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION) - THE OPENING BARS OF THE VILLAGE 38 PEOPLE’S ‘YMCA’ BEGIN TO PLAY, AS THE ENTIRE FUNNYBONE COMPANY TAKES TO THE 39 STAGE F.O.T. AND FLOOR IN FRONT OF THE STAGE. 40 41 THE MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS AND NURSE LUSCIOUS ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE. 42 43 NURSE LUSCIOUS 44

Hang on a minute… you lot didn’t think you’d get away with not doing 45 anything this year did you? 46 (to fellow cast members) 47

65

Come on, let’s go grab some of them and get ‘em up here! 1 2 SEVERAL CAST MEMBERS HEAD INTO THE AUDIENCE TO GRAB 3-4 OF THEM TO COME UP 3 ONSTAGE. ROBIN TAKES OUT A FAKE MOUSTACHE AND LEATHER CAP AND PLONKS THEM 4 ON THE NEAREST BURLEY GENT. THE SONG STARTS UP AGAIN… 5 6 THE TRACK ENDS AND THE PARTICIPATING AUDIENCE MEMBERS ARE GIVEN TOKEN GIFTS, 7 THEN RETURN TO THEIR SEATS. FUNNYBONE PLAYERS EXIT STAGE FRONT. 8 9 X-FACTOR COMMERCIAL-BREAK-STING MUSIC PLAYS. 10 11 CURTAINS OPEN. 12

66

SCENE 19 – THE CASTLE INTERIOR. 1 2 SIMON COWELL AND CHERYL TWEEDY-COLE-FERNANDEZ-VESINI-PAYNE ARE SAT BEHIND A 3 JUDGING DESK TO ONE SIDE OF THE STAGE. THE OTHER IS HOME TO A MIC STAND – WHERE 4 EACH PERFORMER WILL SING. 5 6 THERE ARE THREE PEOPLE STOOD MANNING TV CAMERAS, FILMING THE ‘SHOW’. 7

8 SIMON COWELL 9

Welcome back to this special X-Factor live show. We’ve already seen some 10 great acts tonight including a touching duet from a mysterious moustache-11 wearing duo, some singing and dancing knights, a few prancing ‘bad guys’ 12 and heard a Guns N’ Roses classic! Now, it’s time for our final two acts of the 13 evening. Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Vesini-Payne, who have you got 14 coming up next? 15 16 CHERYL TWEEDY-COLE-FERNANDEZ-VESINI-PAYNE 17 Howay man… me next proper act is from reet here in Hillhay, in fact these 18 four bairns live in a nearby village with their mother… Singing the Motown 19 Classic ‘We Are Family’, it’s the little Mix girls! Take it away pets! 20

21 SONG - THEY PERFORM THEIR SONG ‘WE ARE FAMILY’. 22 23 THE SONG ENDS AND THE GIRLS WAIT EXPECTANTLY FOR SIMON’S CRITIQUE. 24 25 SIMON COWELL 26 Well, well, not bad girls, not bad at all... for a bunch of mewling 27

kittens perhaps. That was the worst thing I’ve ever heard ever… 28 and I have to sit next to Cheryl all day. 29 30 CHERYL TWEEDY-COLE-FERNANDEZ-VESINI-PAYNE 31 Why howay Simon, that is sooo unfair. I’m weeping like a bairn, cos these 32 lasses wor dazzlin’. Keep gannin on like that pets and youse’ll be stars! 33 (to audience) 34 Wasn’t that awesome lads and lasses? 35

36 THE AUDIENCE CHEERS. 37 38

SIMON COWELL 39 (to audience) 40

Pah, what do you lot know about music? Now shut up... it’s time for things 41 to get serious around here… Allow me to introduce a man after my own 42 heart, singing in his hometown, a song about his love for all things shiny and 43 gold. Get ready to go crazy… It’s the Sheriff of Hillhay. 44

45 THE SHERIFF COMES ON-STAGE WEARING A CLASSIC ELVIS PRESLEY JUMPSUIT HE’S 46 CARRYING A CHEST FULL OF GOLD. 47

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1 SONG - THE SHERIFF PERFORMS HIS SONG, ‘YOU ARE ALWAYS ON MY MIND’, SINGING TO 2 THE GOLD COINS THAT HE IS CARRYING AS THOUGH DEEPLY IN LOVE. 3 4 THE SHERIFF FINISHES SINGING, SIMON COWELL WIPES A TEAR AWAY FROM HIS EYES. 5 6 SIMON COWELL 7

Beautiful, just beautiful. I couldn’t have sung it better myself. Not that I could 8 sing it, as I’m not actually a singer, but well done! What did you think 9 Cheryl? 10 11 CHERYL TWEEDY-COLE-FERNANDEZ-VESINI-PAYNE 12 Howay, I thout that was deed-canny like. 13

14 SIMON COWELL 15 (groans) 16 Uggh… Canny? CANNY? Speak ENGLISH woman! 17

18 THE X-FACTOR MUSIC STING PLAYS IN. 19

20 THE REST OF THE ACTS COME ON STAGE TO JOIN THE SHERIFF. 21 22

SIMON COWELL 23 Well, my goodness… here we are already at the end of our contest. 24

25 CHERYL TWEEDY-COLE-FERNANDEZ-VESINI-PAYNE 26

Howay man, that’s reet. Eeee, hasn’t it gone quickly ivrybody. 27 28 SIMON COWELL 29 And now, it’s time for you all at home to vote… Go, pick up your phones and 30 dial in the numbers of your favourite acts. On one, two… three! 31

32 THE 30 SECOND ‘COUNTDOWN’ TIMER MUSIC PLAYS AS THE STAGE LIGHTS FLASH - SIMON 33 COWELL AND THE CAST STAND ABOUT LOOKING BORED. AFTER 30 SECONDS THE MUSIC 34 ENDS IN A CRESCENDO. 35 36

SIMON COWELL 37 Okay, the results are in… the winners of this stage of X-Factor, earning 38 themselves ten thousand pounds, a slap up binge in Haveners and a place on 39 the X-Factor tour… much to my annoyance because they aren’t my act… It’s 40 the little Mix girls! 41 42

ALL 43 Hurray! 44 45

THEY ALL CHEER. THE LITTLE MIX GIRLS ARE HANDED THE CASH BY SIMON COWELL. THE 46 SHERIFF IS NOT HAPPY!!! 47

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1 THE SHERIFF INTERUPTS PROCEEDINGS. 2 3

SHERIFF 4 Stop! Hold it right there. Guards, arrest all these people. 5

6 SEVERAL GUARDS APPEAR, CARRYING SWORDS. 7

8 SIMON COWELL 9 This is outrageous, I’m internationally famous, bristle-haired blowhard 10 Simon Cowell, you can’t arrest me! 11

12 SHERIFF 13

Oh yes I can and I will. Guards, take him and the silly Geordie down to the 14 dungeons along with these terrible singers. No one will be cheating me out 15 of that ten thousand pounds, simply because they can actually sing. 16 I’m the Sheriff here and I have the authority to do whatever I want and I… 17

18 A VOICE BOOMS FROM OFF STAGE, INTERUPTING THE SHERIFF. 19 20 KING RICHARD 21

…Not so fast! 22 23 THE SHERIFF STOPS IN HIS TRACKS. 24 25 SHERIFF 26 It can’t be… King Richard? 27 28 ENTER THE KING, AND MARION’S PARENTS. 29 30 KING RICHARD 31 It is indeed. We have returned from our travels. 32 33 THE GUARDS ALL BOW TO THE KING, DEFERRING TO HIM. THE SHERIFF HAS LOST HIS 34 ENFORCERS. MARION EMERGES FROM THE GROUP OF CONTESTANTS, REMOVING HER SILLY 35 TACHE IN THE PROCESS. 36 37 MARION 38

(embracing her parents) 39 Father, mother… you are alive and well! 40 41 KING RICHARD 42

Sheriff, is all I have been hearing true? 43 What terrible misdeeds have you been up to whilst we have been away? 44

45 SHERIFF 46

Misdeeds? Me, your Majesty? No, I’ve been nothing but a brilliant Sheriff… 47

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(to audience) 1 …haven’t I everybody? 2 3 AUDIENCE BOOS / JEERS. 4 5 KING RICHARD 6 Silence. I wish to hear from someone I can trust… 7

Marion, daughter of my trusted advisor, enlighten us as to what has 8 transpired here? 9

10 MARION 11

Yes, your Majesty, the Sheriff is a man gone insane… he has taxed the 12 villagers so much, they are almost in ruin. He has swindled and cheated his 13 Parishioners and many would have starved if not for the actions of these 14 heroic men… 15

16 SHE GESTURES TO ROBIN HOOD AND HIS MEN, WHO STEP FORWARD AND REMOVE THEIR 17 SILLY TACHES TO A COLLECTIVE GASP FROM THE CROWD. THEY BOW TO THE KING. 18 19 MARION (continued) 20

…led by a man you may have come to know as the alleged outlaw, Robin 21 Hood. However, I can reveal that he is actually a noble and gallant man. A 22 man that I am happily engaged to marry. 23

24 ROBIN AND MARION HOLD HANDS. MARIONS PARENTS TAKE TO THEIR SIDE. 25 26

KING RICHARD 27 Sheriff, I am very disappointed to hear this news. This kind of 28 underhandedness calls for a severe punishment. 29 30 SHERIFF 31 I don’t like the sound of that… Severe? How severe? 32 33 KING RICHARD 34 A fate worse than death! 35 36 SHERIFF 37 Oo, that sounds quite bad. 38 39 KING RICHARD 40 Indeed, it is. But don’t worry, you won’t be losing your precious title. 41 42 SHERIFF 43 (surprised) 44 I won’t? 45

46 47

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KING RICHARD 1 No. On our travels, we encountered a lawless and backward parish that 2 could do with a Sheriff of your level of villainy. You will leave these shores to 3 take up your new post immediately. 4 5 SHERIFF 6 Oh, no… don’t say it. 7 8

THE KING RAISES HIS SWORD TO THE SHERIFF’S SHOULDERS TO ANOINT HIM… 9 10 KING RICHARD 11 Arise, the new Sheriff of… POLRUAN! 12 13

SHERIFF 14 Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! 15 16 THE SHERIFF FALLS TO HIS KNEES. 17 18

KING RICHARD 19 And now, we shall plan the greatest wedding Hillhay has ever seen for Maid 20 Marion and my new head of taxes, Robin Hood! 21

22 EVERYONE 23 Hurray! 24 25 THE WHOLE CAST ASSEMBLE ONSTAGE (MINUS NURSE LUSCIOUS), TURNING TO FACE THE 26 AUDIENCE. 27

MARION 28 (to the audience) 29

And there you have it, our tale is told… 30 31 THERE IS A BANG AND A CRASH AND SUDDENLY NURSE LUSCIOUS STUMBLES ON STAGE, 32 INTERUPTING. SHE’S COVERED IN MUCK FROM THE DUNGEON. 33 34

NURSE LUSCIOUS 35 Hang on, hang on… have you all forgotten about me? 36 I’ve been stuck in that stinky dungeon for the past couple 37 of scenes. Have I missed all the singing? 38

39 CAST 40

Yes! 41 42

NURSE LUSCIOUS 43 Oh no I haven’t… get over here Friar. 44 45

THE FRIAR (at his fattest) TAKES HER BY THE ARM. 46 47

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NURSE LUSCIOUS (continued) 1 Sorry about the wait! 2 3

FRIAR TUCK 4 Are you trying to say I’m fat? 5 6

NURSE LUSCIOUS 7 You look perfect to me – how do I look? 8 9

FRIAR TUCK 10 With your eyes Nurse Luscious. You look with your eyes! 11 12

NURSE LUSCIOUS 13 (giggling) 14

Take it away Maestro! 15 16 SONG AND DANCE NUMBER - NURSE LUSCIOUS AND THE FRIAR DUET TO ‘SHAKE IT OFF’ – A 17 VERSION INSPIRED BY THE ONE IN THE FILM ‘SING’. IT HAS A FLAMBOYANT DANCE 18 ROUTINE AS WELL. THE WHOLE CAST JOIN IN TOO! 19 20 THE SONG ENDS. 21 22 NURSE LUSCIOUS 23 Right, NOW our tale is told. 24 25

MARION 26 (to the audience) 27

Finally! Where was I?!? 28 And so, our tale is told… 29 SHERIFF 30 Our story done, t’was written of old. 31 NURSE LUSCIOUS 32 Robin and Marion happily wed… 33 ROBIN 34 Her parents back, no longer dead. 35 MUCH 36 The X-Factor contest – Little Mix won… 37 MRS MIX 38 Prize money was given, they were handed a tonne! 39 SMASH 40 Order restored to Hillhay once more… 41 GRAB 42 The evil Sheriff was shown the door. 43 TOWN CRIER 44 Now he resides in Polruan instead 45 LITTLE JOHN 46 With a case of the pox, he’s curled up in bed. 47

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1 WILL SCARLET 2

The government’s taxes now go to the needy… 3 FRIAR TUCK 4 And now a final word from our Cheryl Tweedy… 5 6 CHERYL TWEEDY-COLE-FERNANDEZ-VESINI-PAYNE 7 Aye, howay everybody. Thanks for coming like! 8

9 THE WHOLE CAST 10

Our story’s done, our tale is told, we must be on our way 11 We hope you’ve all enjoyed yourselves, just one thing left to say 12 We’d like to see you all again next year. 13 We’ll start rehearsing when we’ve had a beer! 14 So it’s Goodnight to you from all of us here 15 Farewell from the Funnybone show 16 Funnybone! 17

18 CURTAINS CLOSE. 19