Revision and Formal Speeches
Transcript of Revision and Formal Speeches
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The Revision Process
for Speech Writing
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Which Speech is Better?
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A pleasant good morning to everybody who has
taken time out of his busy schedule just to
celebrate the passing out of Dr. Rene Santos
from service. Although this is a special occasion,a number of us have mixed up their emotions
about it.
Speech Mistakes: Diction
means confused!means unconscious!
unnecessary should be everyone
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Speech Mistakes: Organization
As a mentor, Dr. Santos helped a bunch of
people do their requirements and stuff to
successfully pursue secondary education.
As an administrator perhaps Dr. Santos most
significant achievement was able to solicit funds
for the construction of a two-storey building.
As a colleague, Dr. Santos untiringly worked
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Speech Mistakes: Clarity
First of all, Rene, we are saddened by your
passing away from this office but rest assure
that we will always welcome your presence
here. Let me take a simple quotation from theback cover of How to Retire Happy, Wild, and
Free that I would like to quote
unnecessary repetition
Too negative for retirement speechconclusion?!
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Giving a speech is hard. But why?
Readers Listeners
See words on the page they
have the advantage of visual aids.
Can re-read words, sentences,
paragraphs.Can read at their own speed.
See punctuation, paragraphs, and
other visual cues to help follow
the structure.
Cannot see words. If the speaker does
not speak clearly, listeners may not
understand.
Only hear a speech once.
Depend on the speed of the speaker. If
the speaker is too fast, listeners might
not understand. If too slow, listeners
might lose interest.
Must listen to the pauses and
emphasis in the speakers voice
for organizational cues.
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Next, 4 Ways to Revise Speeches!
1. Mark word emphasis, pauses, and eye
contact.
2. Remove unnecessary words.
3. Use active voice.
4. Repeat sentence structure to organize.
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1. Mark word emphasis
Notice the differences in meaning based on the
emphasized word:
Today we celebrate Dr. Rene Santoss career.
Today we celebrate Dr. Rene Santoss career.
Today we celebrate Dr. Rene Santoss career.
Today we celebrate Dr. Rene Santoss career.
Today we celebrate Dr. Rene Santoss career.
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Mark pauses, eye contact, gestures
Those of us who have to work into our eighties
to acquire enough money to retire are green
with envy. [pause]I shall end by quoting from
How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free:"Retirement is the beginning of life, not the
end!" We all know that the best part of your life
is just beginning. With that, [eye] Rene, I wish
you all the very best on behalf of all of us [handgesture].
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2. Remove unnecessary words
As an administrator, Dr. Santos most significant
achievement was to be able to solicit funds for
the construction of a two-storey building which
are now occupied by students with disabilities
under the Special Education program.
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Prepositional phrases create
wordinessWordy prepositional phrase Clear sentence
The earnings ofthe supervisor with regards to salary is high. The manager's salary is high.
He is about to go to the store on account ofa need ofbread. He needs bread.
From the start, I was full ofworry with regards to the illness
ofmy father.
Originally, my fathers illness
worried me.
A preposition is a word that shows the relationship between two things:
I was in the house
I went from the hourse
I lived at the house
I sat beside the house
I walked around the house
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Count the prepositions
As an administrator, the most significant
achievement of Dr. Santos was to be able to
solicit funds for the construction of a two-storey
building which are now occupied by students
with disabilities under the Special Educationprogram.
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Count the prepositions
As an administrator, the most significant
achievement ofDr. Santos was to be able to
solicit funds for the construction ofa two-storey
building which are now occupied by students
with disabilities under the Special Educationprogram.
8 prepositions in 1 sentence!
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Rewrite it, clearly!
Original Improved
As an administrator, the most
significant achievement of Dr.
Santos was to be able to solicit
funds for the construction of atwo-storey building which are
now occupied by students with
disabilities under the Special
Education Program.
Dr. Santos greatest
administrative achievement
was soliciting funds for a two-
storey Special EducationProgram building.
38 words 16 words!
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3. Use active voice
Passive: The adobo was eaten by the man.
Active: The man ate the adobo.
Passive: The letter will be mailed by Jennilyn.
Active: Jennilyn will mail the letter.
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4. Repeat sentence structure to organize
As an administrator, Dr. Santos most significant
achievement was able to solicit funds for the
construction of a two-storey building which are
now occupied by students with disabilities underthe Special Education program.
As a mentor, Dr. Santos guided 30 graduating
classes to successfully pursue secondary
education.
As a colleague, Dr. Santos untiringly worked
alongside each of us, arriving earlier than any of
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4. Repeat sentence structure to organize
I have a dream that my four children will one
day live in a nation where they will not be
judged by the color of their skin but by the
content of their character.I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day little black boys and
black girls will be able to join hands with littlewhite boys and white girls and walk together as
sisters and brothers.
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Now Apply It!
In 3 groups, read the speech you are given and
revise it with the following techniques:
1. Create clear, formal diction using at least 3 of
the 50 speech phrases provided.
2. Mark pauses, emphasis, and gestures.
3. Remove all unnecessary words
4. Use active voice
5. Use repetition and transitions to organize
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Speech 1
Our Principal, Dr. Rene Santos, graduates,
parents, friends, and guests, good evening for all
of us in attendance here on this tonight. Tonight
you are a bunch of graduates celebrating andquite rightly so. Knowledge should be brought
with but also an open mind should be brought.
It's really cool if you are going to go to college
because it will give you things and skills to makeyou a better employee and you will get more
money and your family will be able to be
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Speech 2
Dr. Rene Santos, our guest speaker for the night,
administrators, teachers, students, guests, and
to all assembled here, Good night. Tonight we
have a bunch of important things to talk about,regarding the planned K+12 program that will be
implemented eventually in our program even if
some of us think it might be a bad idea and even
if some of us feel that it might cause moreproblems that it solves. I personally think its a
good idea, but dont take my word for it. Tonight
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Speech 3
Ladies and gentlemen, family members, friends,
guests, welcome! Today is the retirement of the
person of none other than Mrs. Sarah B. Alalid.
It is her retirement day and we are gathered towish him well in the future for awhile. Today,
you see, Sarah is starting out on a new
adventure. Hopefully she will now have more
time for her family and to catch up with oldfriends and other stuff. It will be great for her to
be able to say, "I will meet you on Tuesday" and
'