Revealing the Identity of Shame and Discovering the Path ... · PDF fileShame, Secrecy, and...

Shame, Secrecy, and Addiction:

Clare E. Steffen, EdD, ND, CADC IILicensed Psychologist

Revealing the Identity of Shame and Discovering the Path to Recovery

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Shame, Secrecy, and Addictions: Revealing the Identity of Shame and Discovering the Path to Recovery


Cross Country Education Leading the Way in Continuing Education and Professional Development

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• I declare that I or my family do not have any financial relationship in any amount, occurring in the last 12 months with a commercial interest whose products or services are discussed in my presentation. Additionally, all planners involved have no financial relationship.

• I declare that I do not have any relevant non‐financial relationships.• Requirements for successful completion is completing this educational offering,

passing the test at 75% or higher, and completing the evaluation form.• Cross Country Education and all current accreditation statuses do not imply

endorsement of any commercial products displayed in conjunction with this activity.

Objectives• Examine the concept of shame as it relates to issues of

addiction

• Discuss the experience of shame in a variety of treatment populations who suffer co‐existing addictions

• Identify how learned secrecy perpetuates the inter‐connection between shame and addiction

• Apply a CBT treatment technique and new choice therapy within the recovery model

• Discover a psychoeducational approach to understanding shame, secrecy, and addiction in the continuum of prevention

Cross Country Education Copyright © 2013 Clare E. Steffen 3

Shame, Secrecy, and Addiction: A Four Act Play

• Act I: Defining Shame

• Act II: The Roots of Shame

• Act III: The Private World of Addictions

• Act IV: Treatment of Shame and Addictions


“The Secret” (Not Secrecy)

• Ancient Philosophy• Laws of Attraction• A Positive Mental Attitude• Universality of Experience


“I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.”

Viktor FranklMan's Search for Meaning

“Secrecy”

• A painful experience or memory• An experience that is hidden or denied• A shared denial within a family• Personal trauma• Inter‐generational trauma• Mental illness• Addiction• As a foundation of the development of

a shameful identity


• Differentiating Shame and Guilt• Situational shame vs. long‐term shame• Connections to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors• Our Belief Structures: The Shameful Identity


Act I: Defining Shame


• Long‐term effects of shame: inadequate, unworthy, powerless, unacceptable, or weak

• “Bad me” concept

• Time elements: childhood, adolescence, adulthood

• Expectations of failure

• Shameful identity



• Shame is a poorly defined emotion• Shame is different than guilt• Emotions are different than feelings• An emotion is a complex physiological and psychological process

• Thoughts and feelings connect to emotion• Situational shame• Continual shameful experience• Victimization


Act II: The Roots of Shame

• Learning to feel shame• Attempting to feel better• Experiencing shame• Shame as emotional conflict• Abandonment and shame• Healthy vs. Unhealthy• The sources of shame• The thoughts that shame us



• Learning to feel shame• The purpose of shame• An awareness of shame• Thoughts of shame• Feelings of shame• Temporary vs. Long‐term shame• Situations in which shame is experienced• Attempts to feel better: behavioral choices



• Carrying childhood shame into adulthood

• Shame and grief

• Experiencing shame: divorce, death, depression, anxiety, sexual molestation, physical abuse, relationships, sexual choices, self‐image, family image, mental illness, learning disabilities, physical illness, or disability; and

• Addictions


Shame as an Emotional Conflict

• The result of a moral conflict• Fear of consequences• Moral dilemmas—getting stuck in fear• Immoral or inadequate behavior• Immobilization• Cognitive distortions• Staying in shame—rigid beliefs systems• Illusions of control


Underlying:The Fear of Abandonment

• False self—hidden shame• Rigid control• Loss of control• Willingness to lose control—dilemma• Encountering the fear of abandonment• Authenticity, integrity, and dignity• Choice is the only thing we control!


The Private World of Shame

• Living up to our personal standards

• Personal definition of self

• Internalized ideals

• The benefits of feeling shame

• The trauma of chronic shame and self‐identity

• Shameful belief — “I am a mistake”

• Negative self‐talk and punishment


Healthy vs. Unhealthy Shame

• Corrective behavior• Making a mistake vs. “I am a mistake”• Other negative self‐beliefs• Powerlessness vs. Empowerment• Learning from unpleasant experiences• Managing thoughts or feelings of shame


Shame as a Learned Behavior

• Living with despair, hopelessness, and discouragement

• Being divorced from ourselves• Shame is an incongruent state with self• Shame as an identity: spiritual and emotional death of self

• The influences of family• Unloving or unforgiving environments• Trust of self and othersCross Country Education Copyright © 2013 Clare E. Steffen 17

Recognizing the Sources of Shame

• Faulty learning• Excessive negative feedback• Poor decision making• Being a victim of circumstance• False identity• Inaccurate perceptions• Loss of social status or recognition


The Thoughts that Shame UsFear of Rejection underlying thought to:

“I’ve failed, people will think I’ve failed, I’ve behaved immorally, people will think I’m immoral, I’m not worth loving, ____will stop loving me, I can’t, I shouldn’t, I’m worthless, I’m stupid, I looked stupid or foolish, I’m an embarrassment”


Act III: The Private World of Addiction

• The private world of addiction• Addiction and shame• Unresolved abandonment• Components of addiction• The cycle of shame in addiction

• Developmental outcomes• Tools for healing


• Altered perceptions to rationalize behavior• False Self vs. Social Persona• Legal vs. Illegal• Addictions and the shameful identity


Act III: The Private World of Addiction

Addiction/Shame: Mirror Images

• Disappointing ourselves• Disappointing others• Automatic negative self‐thoughts• Ineffective management of shame and other negative emotions

• Inability to nurture self• Self‐rejection and abandonment• Loss of nurturance


Addictions: The Spiral Down

• Alcohol• Drugs• Eating• Spending• Gambling• Poor relationships


Fear of Abandonment: Underlying Addictive Behavior

• Core issue• We are truly alone without affiliation• Loss of love of self• Loss of love of nurturing other• Unresolved abandonment• Leads to negative outcomes


Negative Outcomes of Unresolved Abandonment

• Feelings of inadequacy: incompetence, reduced self‐image, impaired social self, shyness

• Feelings of unworthiness

• Perfectionism—fear of failure/fear of success

• Procrastination/immobilization

• Underachievement

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Addictions


Addictions, Abuse, and Shame

• Detachment from feelings• Pathological development of shame• Self‐medication: anesthetizing from pain• Addiction as escape• The shameful identity• Shame as a solution• Learned Behavior vs. Genetics


Behavioral Symptoms: Shame and Addiction

• All or nothing thinking• Wanting to be a perfect person• No love/caring• Difficulty saying no• Difficulty asking for help• Pleasing others to excess• Difficulty setting limits


Three Components of Addiction

• Component I: Anger• Component II: Avoidance• Component III: Denial• The storm of this finely tuned interplay• Irrational thought perpetuates the drama• Self‐detachment• Immediate gratification• The cycle of “choices”


Component I: Anger

• Anger at fear• Anger at abandonment• Anger at self• Anger at others• Anger at behavioral choices• Anger at loss and grief• Anger at rejection• Anger at Anger


Component II: Avoidance

• Avoidance contributes to anxiety• Avoidance perpetuates anxiety• Excuses lead to lying to ourselves• Excuses lead to lying to others• Lying leads to secrets• Secrets contribute to shame• Secrets perpetuate shame


Component III: Denial

• A defense/coping mechanism• A learned behavior• A means of managing fearful emotions• A way of avoiding shame• The Elemental Solution: Choice• The Choice Thinking Paradigms


The Cycle of Shame in Addiction

Anger

Disappointment

Regret

ShameThe spiral down and repeated pattern of behavior


Developmental Outcomes

• Self‐Esteem: Achievement, Social Identity, and Career or Professional Choice

• Self‐Worth: Self‐love, feeling deserving of happiness and health, dependence upon self‐esteem, productivity, and accomplishments

• Grandiosity, narcissism, and ego‐centricity• Feeling numb: detachment from self and others


The Drama of Shame

• Stuff•Happens

•Avoid

•Making

• ExcusesCross Country Education Copyright © 2013 Clare E. Steffen 34

Tools for Healing: Understanding Forgiveness

• I’m sorry• Anger release• Self‐Inventory• Transcendence• Letting go with love• Making “New Choices”


Tools for Healing: New Skills for Coping with Shame

• Facing fears• Learning to tolerate anxiety, depression, and pain• Getting comfortable with anger• Learning to deal with confrontation• Becoming self‐empowered• Accepting criticism• Learning how to fight fairly• Develop external circles of support


Act IV: The Treatment of Shame and Addiction

• Understanding forgiveness• New skills for coping with shame• Treatment efforts in healing shame and addiction

• Understanding brain‐behavior relationships• Choosing new outcomes


Act IV: Treatment of Shame

• Differentiate between shame as a Feeling vs. an Identity• Healing the conflict between the false self and the

actual self• Take a personal inventory• Connect to your spiritual self• Engage in charitable acts• Connect to your creative self• Meditate• Journal your thoughts and feelings


Act IV: Treatment of Shame

• Engage in physical activity• Educate yourself• Pamper your senses• Seek to heal the lost love• Transcend the mundane• Work on forgiveness• Work on acceptance• Work on love


ACT IV: Treatment of Addiction

• Stepping up prevention efforts—education

• Beyond the traditional twelve‐step program

• Total wellness: Healing the body and mind

• Redefining “addiction” and models of treatment

• Removing the “shame” from disease and treatment


The Key Elemental Solution

• Choice• Choosing how we think• Choosing how we feel• Choosing how we behave• Choosing what we believe• Making “New Choices”• Helping others make “New Choices” to embrace wellness thinking


Choice Paradigm:Level III

• Consciousness; leads to• Hope

• Openness; which restores

• Intelligence/Integrity; through acceptance of• Consequences; we gain• Empowerment


Brain-Related Behavior and Addiction

• Addictive brain and emotional management• Emotional memory and pain• Inescapable stress/trauma• Compulsivity • Restructuring thoughts and neurochemical responses

• Nutritional healing


Choosing New Outcomes

• Identifying and treating the “shameful identity” is a necessary aspect of treatment

• Understanding the effects of trauma in shame can be used to assist clients in making “New Life Choices”

• Utilizing the Choice Paradigms to develop new levels of thinking can be used to restructure unhealthy thought patterns


Choosing New Options

• Tapping into creative expression can be used to investigate new experiences

• Integrating new experiences can be used to develop health

• Integrating healthy experiences can be the foundation for new awareness and conscious choices for wellness

• Re‐establishing hope can be a source of personal empowerment and restoration of integrity


Man’s Search for Meaning• Life Purpose• The Experience of Trauma• Integrity and Dignity• Survival• Choice

"We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement.”

Victor FranklMan’s Search for Meaning


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References (Continued)

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Clare E. Steffen, EdD, ND, CADC IILicensed [email protected]

Shame, Secrecy, and Addiction:


Revealing the Identity of Shame and Discovering the Path to Recovery

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