Reunion: Myth vs Reality

Myths…

• ANSWERS!!!• My mother the Queen of England• Happy family finally• Parents ecstatic to have me back in their lives• My son Steve Jobs• Familial community• Finally knowing who I am/who they are• Unconditional love and acceptance• Forgiveness and reconciliation• Ozzie and Harriet, Happy Days, the Partridge Family, etc.

Fears

• My mother the drug addict homeless bag lady• My son the prisoner/addict/derelict/swindler• My a-parents will abandon me• I’ll break my parents’ hearts• S/he’ll be ringing my doorbell at 3:00am• S/he won’t want to know me/will hate me/will

never speak to me/will leave town the minute I call/will reject me again

Then Reality…

• Tears/overwhelm/ecstasy/agony• Joy and celebration• Genetic sexual attraction• Honeymoon period• Abrupt disappearance• Gradual drawing away• Still talking but…

Now what?

• How do we make the most out of our own lives with this added dimension of reunion?

• How do we make the most out of our reunion with all its limitations?

• What do we need to give up (ha – this is about adoption, right?) in order to enrich our experience?

• What do we need to take on?

Ideas…

• Accept limits• Distinguish between how I WANT things to be

and how they ARE• Pick up the phone• Find other pathways to love and acceptance

More ideas…

• Stay in the present – the past is over and the future isn’t here yet

• Abandon efforts to “fix” people or dynamics• Get help, ie, therapy*, counselor*, clergy*,

support group, all of the above

*But choose with care, seek those with adoption expertise, not adoption issues.

More ideas…

• Talk to loved ones about your feelings and needs

• Let go of the idea that someone else can make you happy (or unhappy)

• Make room for vulnerability – yours, and theirs