QUIZ GRADESQUIZ GRADES

COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATION

A – 38 A – 38

B – 4 B – 4

C – 3C – 3 AVG. = 9.033!!!!!AVG. = 9.033!!!!!

D – 0 D – 0

F – 1 F – 1

N/S – 2 N/S – 2

LOVELOVE&&

RELATIONSHIPSRELATIONSHIPS

““Love means: I want you to be you.”Love means: I want you to be you.”

St. AugustineSt. Augustine

““I want the loved person to grow & unfold for I want the loved person to grow & unfold for his own sake, & in his own ways, & not for his own sake, & in his own ways, & not for

the purpose of serving me.”the purpose of serving me.”

Erich FrommErich Fromm

I found my lover on his bed, and my heart was I found my lover on his bed, and my heart was sweet to excess,sweet to excess,

I shall never be far away (from) you while my I shall never be far away (from) you while my hand is in your hand,hand is in your hand,

and I shall stroll with you in every favorite and I shall stroll with you in every favorite place.place.

How pleasant is this hour, may it extend for me How pleasant is this hour, may it extend for me to eternity:to eternity:

since I have lain with you, you have lifted high since I have lain with you, you have lifted high my heart.my heart.

In mourning or in rejoicing be not far from me.In mourning or in rejoicing be not far from me.

Poem from the late Egyptian empirePoem from the late Egyptian empire

Quoted in Bergman, 1987, p. 5Quoted in Bergman, 1987, p. 5

Friendship vs. Romantic LoveFriendship vs. Romantic Love

Are love & friendship somehow related? Are love & friendship somehow related? (Keith Davis, 1985)(Keith Davis, 1985)– Essential characteristics of friendshipEssential characteristics of friendship

EnjoymentEnjoyment

Acceptance of one anotherAcceptance of one another

A mutual trustA mutual trust

A respect for each otherA respect for each other

Mutual assistanceMutual assistance

ConfidingConfiding

An understandingAn understanding

SpontaneitySpontaneity

– Things unique to spouses & loversThings unique to spouses & loversFascinationFascination

ExclusivenessExclusiveness

Sexual desireSexual desire

Giving the utmostGiving the utmost

““Love” vs. “In Love”Love” vs. “In Love”

Romantic relationships are more Romantic relationships are more rewarding, but more volatile & frustratingrewarding, but more volatile & frustrating

How do I know if this is really love?How do I know if this is really love?– How DO you know?How DO you know?– Romantic love almost always involves Romantic love almost always involves

physical responses when you’re close to that physical responses when you’re close to that person or thinking about him/herperson or thinking about him/her

DOESN’T USUALLY LAST!!!!DOESN’T USUALLY LAST!!!!

Infatuation Infatuation

– Where do we get our ideal notion of love?Where do we get our ideal notion of love?

Companionate LoveCompanionate Love– ““the affection we feel for those with whom our the affection we feel for those with whom our

lives are deeply entwined”lives are deeply entwined”TogethernessTogetherness

TrustTrust

Sharing Sharing

AffectionAffection

A concern for the welfare of the otherA concern for the welfare of the other

More than passionMore than passion

– This is a This is a realistic loverealistic love– Examples – parent/child, long-term adult Examples – parent/child, long-term adult

relationshiprelationship

Young love is a flame; very Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and pretty, often very hot and

fierce but still only light and fierce but still only light and flickering. The love of the flickering. The love of the

older and disciplined heart is older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep burning, as coals, deep burning,

unquenchable…unquenchable…Henry Ward BeecherHenry Ward Beecher

What researchers say about “love” and What researchers say about “love” and being “in love”being “in love”– ““love” = companionate lovelove” = companionate love– ““in love” = passionatein love” = passionate

Prerequisites for lovePrerequisites for love– Self-acceptanceSelf-acceptance

Must love yourself firstMust love yourself first

Healthy self-esteemHealthy self-esteem

Hazan & Shaver (1987) Attachment TheoryHazan & Shaver (1987) Attachment Theory– Avoidant LoversAvoidant Lovers– Anxious-Ambivalent LoversAnxious-Ambivalent Lovers– Secure LoversSecure Lovers

– Self-disclosureSelf-disclosureMUST RISK VULNERABILITYMUST RISK VULNERABILITY

This is the difference between love & infatuationThis is the difference between love & infatuation

Must overcome your fear of being judged or that Must overcome your fear of being judged or that the other person will leave youthe other person will leave you

JealousyJealousy– Why do we get jealous?Why do we get jealous?

Emotional reaction to relationship being threatenedEmotional reaction to relationship being threatened

Loss of face, self-esteem, or feeling specialLoss of face, self-esteem, or feeling special

– Involves anger, humiliation, anxiety, & Involves anger, humiliation, anxiety, & depressiondepression

– WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED YOU SHOULD DO WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED YOU SHOULD DO WHEN YOU FEEL THIS WAY??????WHEN YOU FEEL THIS WAY??????

COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!– Who gets jealous?Who gets jealous?

Low self-esteemLow self-esteemUnhappy with their livesUnhappy with their livesPlace high value on things like popularity, wealth, Place high value on things like popularity, wealth, fame, & physical attractivenessfame, & physical attractiveness

– Gender differencesGender differencesMen get jealous about sexual infidelityMen get jealous about sexual infidelityWomen get jealous about emotional infidelityWomen get jealous about emotional infidelityWomen show jealousy when they feel inadequate Women show jealousy when they feel inadequate & try to make themselves look more attractive& try to make themselves look more attractiveMen show jealousy, then feel inadequate, then Men show jealousy, then feel inadequate, then seek outside relationshipsseek outside relationships

Sex without LoveSex without Love– Women usually don’t enjoy sex unless it’s in a Women usually don’t enjoy sex unless it’s in a

loving relationshiploving relationship– Men more often can enjoy sex without Men more often can enjoy sex without

emotional involvementemotional involvement– Sex & love are NOT synonymous!Sex & love are NOT synonymous!

Love without SexLove without Sex– Physical contact is important to us; need to be Physical contact is important to us; need to be

heldheld– Laumann et al. (1994) – many couples still Laumann et al. (1994) – many couples still

prefer to reserve sex for marriage, allowing prefer to reserve sex for marriage, allowing intimacy to growintimacy to grow

Unconditional loveUnconditional love– Feeling do NOT depend on expectations Feeling do NOT depend on expectations

being met by some outside sourcebeing met by some outside source– Conditional love = stay as long as needs Conditional love = stay as long as needs

being metbeing met– Romantic love tends to be conditionalRomantic love tends to be conditional– Unconditional love is closest to companionate Unconditional love is closest to companionate

lovelove

Maintaining a RelationshipMaintaining a Relationship– Factors involved in the beginningFactors involved in the beginning

Physical attractivenessPhysical attractiveness

ProximityProximity

SimilaritySimilarity

– What happens when things change???What happens when things change???

– Other factors involved in choosing a partnerOther factors involved in choosing a partnerPersonalityPersonality

Financial resourcesFinancial resources

Mutual attraction & loveMutual attraction & love

The Decline of PassionThe Decline of Passion– Becomes “habit”Becomes “habit”– Repeated exposure leads to it becoming less Repeated exposure leads to it becoming less

positive over timepositive over time– Usually become disappointed (not the happily Usually become disappointed (not the happily

ever after you expected)ever after you expected)– Sex usually becomes ritual and boringSex usually becomes ritual and boring

Growing Together/Growing ApartGrowing Together/Growing Apart– Need to keep things excitingNeed to keep things exciting– Is your partner your best friend?Is your partner your best friend?– Need to find new common interests over timeNeed to find new common interests over time– Don’t have to do EVERYTHING together!Don’t have to do EVERYTHING together!

Becoming More IntimateBecoming More Intimate– Accept themselves as they areAccept themselves as they are– Recognize his/her partner for what he/she isRecognize his/her partner for what he/she is– Feel comfortable to express himself/herselfFeel comfortable to express himself/herself– Deal with your partner’s reactionsDeal with your partner’s reactions

Love is an active power in Love is an active power in man; a power which man; a power which

breaks through the walls breaks through the walls which separate man from which separate man from his fellow men … In love his fellow men … In love the paradox occurs that the paradox occurs that two beings become one two beings become one

yet remain twoyet remain two

Erich Fromm, 1956Erich Fromm, 1956

Bergmann, M. S. (1987). Bergmann, M. S. (1987). The anatomy of The anatomy of livingliving. New York: Fawcett Columbine.. New York: Fawcett Columbine.