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Relationship Skills and Relationship Saboteurs

Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise SnipesExecutive Director, AllCEUs

Objectives Tips for Sweetening Your Relationship Steps for Building Empathy Tips for a Closer Relationship Tips for Compromise Tips for Getting Your Needs Met Tips for Giving Emotional Support Tips for Being More Thoughtful

Tips for Sweetening Your Relationship Love is a combination of emotions and actions including

talking, compassion and trust. Rewrite your vows/promises Have a re-commitment ceremony Imagine what life would be like if your partner were gone

Communicate to your partner in his or her love language Receiving gifts Quality time Words of affirmation Acts of service (devotion) And physical touch

Sweetening Make an effort

Write down a list of things your partner could do that would make you feel loved/happy and exchange them.

Remember (or get Google to remind you) of birthdays, anniversaries, or just happy occasions and celebrate

Celebrate for no reason If you have a disagreement, take a step back and

try to see it from your partner’s point of view

Sweetening Don’t let fear of being vulnerable or

abandonment undermine you Share hopes, dreams and fears. If becoming vulnerable makes you also become

critical and defensive, identify and work through the reasons

Think back to hopes and dreams you shared when you were dating...make it happen

Remind you partner of the qualities you love about them.

Building Empathy Empathy vs. sympathy

Put yourself in their shoes (with their experiences) Identify 3 alternate reasons you partner may be feeling/acting the

way he or she is If your child was going through this situation, how would you feel?

Remember that what you would want and need is not necessarily what your partner wants and needs.

Allow yourself to listen as if your only job is to understand Without preconceptions Knowing that you know nothing Free from trying to create consistency between your

feeling/perceptions and your partner’s feelings and perceptions… for now just focus on understanding the unique experience of your partner.

Empathy Think of a difficult time that you experienced and answer

all the questions What was your perception of the occurrence? What was troubling about this occurrence? What were the emotions that you felt at the time of the

occurrence? What emotions are being expressed in this moment? What do you need from you (which is often just to be

empathetic)? Start by taking time by yourself to practice using these

skills on yourself… your ability to understand your own emotions will directly affect your ability to empathize with your partner.

Empathy When your partner is relaying a difficult

experience, listen to be able to understand: What was his/her perception of the occurrence? What was troubling about this occurrence? What were the emotions that he/she felt at the time of

the occurrence? What emotions are being expressed in this moment? What does he/she need from you (which is often just to

be empathetic)? This can also be practiced in group or at home

using media clips of people arguing.

Tips for a Closer Relationship Use relationships to teach you how to be whole (and not

require another person to complete you) See (and accept) your partner for who he or she really is Be willing to learn from each other Be willing to compromise Get comfortable being alone Develop awareness of why you fight Own who you are Embrace ordinariness Let go of expectations and embrace what is Converse…Plan conversation starters

Tips for Compromise Create a win/win Compromise based on priorities Compromise based on needs Compromise between extroverts and introverts Compromise between detail oriented and big

picture people Compromise between rationally focused vs.

emotionally focused individuals Compromise between structured vs.

spontaneous people

Tips for Getting Your Needs Met Know what you need and define it in

observable terms. “I want to be happy,” isn’t helpful.

Don’t expect mind reading Assertively state and own your feelings wants

and needs Communicate in the person’s preferred

learning style Remember it is about balance. Sometimes you have to meet your own needs

Giving Emotional Support Not everyone is comfortable with feeling words.

Reflect their vocabulary. Don’t assume you know why someone feels a

certain way. Emotional support can be shown through actions,

not just words. Giving gifts--- Emotional support cards Quality time – Taking a break or celebrating Words of affirmation Acts of service – help lighten the load Physical touch– hug, backrub

Being More Thoughtful Pay attention and ask what he or she likes (and

dislikes) Do things you don't want to do Keep A running list of gift ideas Write sweet notes/sms, or just a thank yous Remember important dates Truly listen to what your so has to say Be there during tough times, even if you're busy Start some personal rituals for the two of you:

Daily, Weekly, Annual

Saboteurs Insecurity Needing to control Fear of intimacy Needing to win Pessimism Needing to be center

stage Addictions Martyrdom Defensiveness Breaking trust

Prior abandonment issues Low Self-Esteem/ Fear of

Rejection Fear of failure/Conditions

of worth Emotionally unavailable

partner Projection/Transference Global, internal negative

attributions

Saboteur Sabotage Abandonment issues

Identify why you fear abandonment from this partner Use the challenging questions worksheet to explore your

thoughts and feelings Identify what would need to be different for you to not fear

abandonment Low Self Esteem

Complete the following sentence…I am a good person because…

Identify all of your strengths and weaknesses Of the weaknesses, identify which ones will help you be

more like the person you want to be.

Saboteur Sabotage Fear of Failure/Conditions of worth

Many avoid relationships because they fear failure.What does it mean if a relationship fails?What can you learn?

What would you tell a child who felt this way? Emotionally unavailable partner

Communicate your need for an emotional connection

Help him/her learn what being emotionally available looks like to you. (love languages)

Saboteur Sabotage Projection/Transference

Identify who this person reminds you of and how you are trying to rewrite that story

Become fully aware of who this person is and force yourself to stop comparing them with others.

Global, Internal Negative Attributions Examples

People always…/never… I am…

Make the attribution more specific Find exceptions to the statement Avoid extreme words like all, always, never

Summary Relationships are complicated. Basic areas to focus include

Compassion/Emotional Support Effort/Thoughtfulness Compromise Embracing what is good instead of focusing on

what is wrong. Awareness of relationship saboteurs can also

prevent a great relationship from falling apart

Recommended Readings

You can use promocode 1168SNIPES at NewHarbinger.com to receive 25% off your entire order.

Empathy Building Exercise http://www.thoughtsfromatherapist.com/2011/06/08/empathy-building-exercise-%E2%80%93-learning-to-be-empathetic-%E2%80%93-increasing-emotional-understanding/

Improving Relationships: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-ways-to-create-a-strong-intimate-relationships/