Relationship ResilienceHope and Healing to

Flourish in Love and Dating

Dr. Catherine Hart WeberCaitlin Weber

www.flourishinlifeandrelationships.com

Challenges For Millennials - Generation Y (most stressed generation)

Damages of Social Media

Look Up VideoHow does the digital world damage emotional and relational maturity?

Flourish In Life and RelationshipsImportant Conversations for Maturity

Love God to Love Yourself to Love Others

1Relationship with God

2Relationship

with Self

3Relationship

with Others

Relationship With GodWho is God? SQ (GQ)1

Who is God? - In what ways do I enjoy the love and

life changing presence of God?- Find your own happiness in your

relationship with God- Is God in control of your life?

- How does knowing God and receiving His love for me inform me about my true self?

- You find your true identity in Christ

Character Virtues MatterBe a person of good, mature character

- How does enjoying God and being filled with the Spirit - mature and change me? - Values- Character- Authenticity- Honesty- Trust

Choose a life partner with similar values

1. Have the same values, morals• Similarities in goals, how to raise children• More important than age, ethnic, social class2. Choose your best friend3. Pick someone who doesn’t have the same

issues as you – to balance each other out4. Be committed to growing and changing

Relationship With YourselfPersonal Competence

Who Am I? EQ2

Who am I? How am I thriving?

* Capabilities– Grow in Strengths. Skills. Gifts. Personality– Preferences. Style. Interpersonal impact

* Motivations– What drives my life? Purpose. Values. Calling

* Emotional Health– Self awareness. Defenses. Family history. Authenticity

* Physical body– What energizes, nourishes me? What drains, depletes

Competencies That Are Predictors of Success (in life and relationships):

PERSONAL Competence:______personal Intelligence (EQ)INTRA

RELATIONAL Competence:______personal Intelligence (RQ)

Dr. Gary Oliver

INTER

What Is Emotional & Relational Intelligence (ERQ™)?

“The ability to be aware of, recognize and understand our own feelings and those of others and to constructively manage those

emotions in ourselves and in our relationships.”

Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D.

The ERQ™ Model

Self-Awareness

RelationalAwareness

Self-Management

Relationship Management

• Emotional Self-Awareness

• Accurate Self-Assessment

• Self-Confidence

• Empathy• Listening• Values Differences

• Emotional Self-Control• Takes Personal

Responsibility• Healthy Anger

Management• Responds rather than

Reacts

• Effective Communication• Healthy Conflict

Management• Influence• Collaboration &

Cooperation

Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal)

Recognition(Awareness)

Regulation

(Management)

Self Awareness. Intra- personal

• Emotional self awareness• Accurate self assessment• Self confidence • Assertiveness

Falling In Lovephilosophy: when it comes to love you need not fall but rather surrender.surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another.you must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another, and most importantly, you must accept your flaws before you can accept the flaws of another. (love God, love yourself – then you can love others

Power of VulnerabilityDr. Brene Brown

• Science behind being your ‘true self’ – being vulnerable, being transparent

• Vulnerability generates love and intimacy which increases oxytocin and endorphins.

• Reduces harmful stress hormones like cortisol and adrenalin.

• When we let our true self be seen, our inner ‘light’ radiate, we heal from the inside out. Its more powerful than any medicine.

Self Awareness What are my triggers? Honest Fearless

InventoriesIf you aren’t figuring out your own issues and working on

them - you will never grow, heal and be happy – Emotional intelligence (EQ) Emotional Health– Strengths/Spiritual Gifts. – Personality (style)– Know your true self - authenticity – Unhealthy coping mechanisms / Addiction– Family of origin / genogram/ attachment styles– Use of digital technology

Emotional Resilience • Realistic, attainable expectations and goals• Good judgment and problem solving• Persistent and determined• Responsible and thoughtful – vs. impulsive• Flexibility and openness • Effective communicators with good people skills• Learn from past experience – don’t repeat mistakes• Empathetic – care how others feel• Feel good about themselves as a person• Confident and secure in who they are• Sense they are in control of their life• Optimistic rather than pessimistic

Relationship With OthersRelational Competence

Who are you? How can I relate to you? ERQ, RIQ

3

‘Other people are the best antidotes to the downs of life and the single most reliable up.’ Martin Seligman

“Learn how to ‘talk to one another’ – co-exist…Don’t be unsocial. Engage and look into someones eyes.Just one real connection is all it will take to show you the

difference that being there can make.”

BE THERE. BE PRESENT

20

Happiness is Love. Full stop. Dr. George Vaillant

• By far the greatest predictor of happiness in

the literature is intimate relationships. Sonja Lyubomirsky

• Scientific studies show that our longevity, medical and mental health, happiness and wisdom are impacted most by our supportive relationships. Daniel Siegel

• Aim for: HEALTHY PEOPLE SKILLS – EQ Secure Base. Healthy Attachments

Relationship with others

Who are you? How can I effectively relate to you?

Grow in your ability to:• Connect and communicate in a healthy ways • Resolve conflict and repair relationships• Maintain appropriate boundaries• Flexibility and openness• Empathy

Pepperdine UniversityBoone Center For The FamilyPromoting healthy relationships and strong families

Relationship IQCreating opportunity for ‘conversations’

The ERQ™ Model

Self-Awareness

RelationalAwareness

Self-Management

Relationship Management

• Emotional Self-Awareness

• Accurate Self-Assessment

• Self-Confidence

• Empathy• Listening• Values Differences

• Emotional Self-Control• Takes Personal

Responsibility• Healthy Anger

Management• Responds rather than

Reacts

• Effective Communication• Healthy Conflict

Management• Influence• Collaboration &

Cooperation

Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal)

Recognition(Awareness)

Regulation

(Management)

Relational AwarenessOther Inter-personal

• Empathy– your ability to notice and correctly interpret the needs and

wants of other people • Listening (basic communication skills)• Values Differences• Flexibility and opennessChallenges:• Low empathy• Self focused – narcissism

– “we share our best bits but leave out the emotion”• Recognize your own ‘stuff’ – ‘triggers’

Self ManagementSelf Awareness. Intra-personal

• Emotional self control (self regulation)–Responding vs. reacting

• Taking Personal Responsibility• Healthy Anger Management• Responds rather than reacts

• Fear, uncertainty, not feeling safe - often causes the flight / fight responses

• Under pressure most people tend to react (limbic system) rather than respond (prefrontal cortex)

• People with a higher ERQ are more likely to be able to “respond” rather than “react” or “over-react” in ways that only worsen the problem

Relationship ManagementInter-personal

• Effective communication skills• Healthy conflict management /resolution• Influence• Collaboration and cooperation• Boundaries• Understand Transference• Learn Love Languages

Attachment Styles

• Secure• Anxious• Fearful• Avoidant• Fearful/Avoidant