Relational Aggression - Bullying in the Girl’s World

What is Conflict?

Conflict Normal Often not serious Equal emotional reaction Not seeking power or attention Not trying to attain something Remorseful; takes responsibility Effort to solve the problem

What is Bullying?

Done on purpose Happens repeatedly Serious; threat of physical harm or emotional

or psychological hurt Seeking power or control Trying to attain material things or power No remorse; blames victim No effort to solve the problem

Bullying may result from…

a sense of entitlement

an intolerance toward difference

a liberty to exclude, isolate and segregate a

person deemed not worthy of respect or care

Bullying is…

A relationship problem that occurs between two or more people where one person has more power than the other

To deal with relationship problems we must use relationship solutions

Why focus on bullying?

Persistent bullying can leave long-term scars on the victim

Students who bully others are likely to engage in other anti-social or delinquent behaviours

Bullying contributes to a negative social climate Bullying is a widespread problem amongst school

children Role rehearsal for adulthood New legislation Bill 157 Because we CARE…

Relational aggression is like…

Odd Girl Out ~ Rachel Simmons

Bullying in girls peaks between ages 10- 14

By middle childhood most relational aggressors are girls

There is a hidden culture amongst girls in which bullying is an epidemic

Our culture refuses girls access to open conflict, and it forces their aggression into non physical, indirect and covert forms

Society’s Gender Roles

Western society still expects boys to become family providers and girls to be nurturers

Females are expected to mature into caregivers; a role deeply at odds with aggression

Boys’ popularity is rooted in their toughness, athletic prowess and resistance to authority

Aggression is the hallmark of masculinity

Aggression in Girls

Girls not immune to aggression but express anger in unconventional ways

When aggression cannot be directed at the target, the perpetrator has to find other channels

Cultural rules against typical forms of aggression lead girls to engage in other, non-physical forms

Girls and Aggression ~ What we see

Girls attack within tightly knitted networks of friends

Girls fight with body language and relationships instead of fists

Non-physical aggression is seen as a rite of passage for girls and a natural phase of their development

Schools often simply write off girls aggression as this rite of passage and it often goes unchecked

Understanding the Girls’ World Girls are typically social beings with their

identity gained within social groups

Relational Aggression is:

Aggressive, hurtful behaviors from within social relationships or friendship groups

Main form of bullying used by girls (Girl Bullying)

“It’s all fun and games…”

What Girls Do

Back biting Exclusion Rumours Gossip Name calling Manipulative affection Inflict psychological pain Cut eye and other hurtful

forms of body language Aliance building Cyber Bullying

Motivation for Relational Aggression

Fear Power Control Popularity Security Competition Jealousy Retaliation

Roles within the Girls’ Social Group

Queen Bee – holds all the power

Sidekick – allows herself to be controlled by the Bee

Wannabe – like the name implies

Gossiper – using info to gain power

Floater – moves in and out of groups

Target – receiver of violence and/or threats

Bystander – witness who feels caught in the middle

The Queen Bee

Also known as the alpha girls

Person who chooses to hurt or damage a relationship

Most often false, over-confident and loud

Friends do what she wants

Defines right/wrong by loyalty to friendship

Doesn’t take responsibility for hurting others

Often charming to adults

The Sidekick

Second to the Queen Bee but can also be a target

Supports Queen; mirror image of the queen

Feels the Queen is the boss and allows herself to be pushed around

Will listen to Queen re: dressing, thinking, talking

Will lie for Queen

The Wannabe

Other girls’ opinions and wants are more important than hers

She can’t tell the difference between what she wants and what the group wants

Desperate for the “right” look (clothes, hair, etc.).

Feels better about herself when others come to her for help, advice

Loves to gossip---phone and email are vital to her

Words Hurt……

The Gossip

Extremely secretive; good communicator; gives the impression of being a good listener and trustworthy

Seems to be friends with everyone; needs to be admired and important

Seemingly nice; uses confidential info to gain popularity

“Don’t tell anyone I told you this but…”

The Floater

Moves freely amongst cliques; avoids conflicts

Popular and nice; but not TOO popular

Has respect for others; doesn’t try to influence or exclude others

Not competitive or trying to win friends

The Target

Often feels helpless to stop others’ behaviours

Feels excluded or like a “loser”

Often ridiculed by the Queen and sidekicks

Used and manipulated by others

Put down by others

May look terrified

Often walking alone or with head down

The Torn Bystander

Often finds herself having to choose between friends

Accommodating

Peacemaker---wants everyone to get along

Doesn’t stand up to anyone she has conflict with---goes along to get along

The Cyber Bully

Usually done, or at least planned, in a group

Done for entertainment Occurs from a school

library, slumber party, or from the family room

Grows when fed by group admiration, cliques or by the silence of others

Quickly dies if they don’t get the entertainment value they are seeking

Cyber Bullying ~ The Kitchen

Signs of Relational Aggression

Sadness Loneliness; isolation Feelings of powerlessness Inability to trust Anger; frustration Helplessness Lower interest and performance in school School avoidance Somatic symptoms (stomach aches, headaches) Eating disorders Mood disorders Self harm Suicidal Ideations

What to Do?

Dr. Michelle Anthony, author of Little Mean Girls Can Be Mean talk about a 4 Part Plan:

OBSERVE

CONNECT

GUIDE

SUPPORT HER TO ACT

The 4 Step Plan……

OBSERVEThings to watch and listen for: She is being picked on/excluded Pattern of on/off again friendships Speaks negatively about certain girls in a certain way Sudden marked change in mood Sudden withdrawl from favourite activities Changes in eating sleeping habits Avoiding certain social situations

The 4 Step Plan…….

CONNECT Important step Keep talking and lines of communication

open Assist with clarification of feelings (confusing) EmpathizeStatements like….“I notice when you come home……”“Oh, I see. How does it feel when she says

those things to you…..”“Tell me more about that……”

The 4 Step Plan

GUIDE Work as a team to generate some possible ways to

work through situation Refrain from “telling”

Some helpful ideas might include: Ways to expand her social circle (after

school activities, teams, clubs, drop in) Ask who the kids are that seem to

get along well with everyone BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL Role play

The 4 Step Plan

SUPPORT HER TO ACTOnce you have generated strategies for action:

Allow her to choose

Role play ahead of time

Be there when she comes back (listen, empower, guide)

Overtime she will be a more “empowered” person entering in to new social networks

Strong, confident, resilient

Steps to Stop Mean Girls Behaviour

1. Get Educated

2. Know the Signs of the “Mean Girl Scene”

3. Be Proactive

Be Proactive

Teach conflict solving Start with one ally Broaden her experiences Boost EMPATHY Don’t push too hard on being “popular” Help her discover her passions/strengths Watch TV ~engage in social media together Point out positive female role-models Expect RESPECT BE the EXAMPLE you want your daughter to

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Resources Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades by

Michelle Anthony, Reyna Lindert, Michelle Anthony, M.A., Ph.D., Reyna Lindert, Ph.D.

Queen Bees & Wannabes Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescenceby Rosalind Wiseman

Dr. Michelle Borba’s Reality Check www.micheleborba.com/blog

Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons

Websites

www.kindcampaign.com

www.becauseiamagirl.ca