RELA- TION- SHIP 7 RELATIONSHIP DERAILERS and AVOID …...Jul 07, 2018 · 7 RELATIONSHIP DERAILERS...

RELA-TION-SHIP DERA-ILERS

7 RELATIONSHIP DERAILERS and 5 HABITS TO AVOID THEML e a n n a B u t t e r f i e l d C r u z

www.positivelysuccessfulmagazine.com

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We are social beings who enjoy being in relationship with one another. We are our best when in relationship with those who enhance our existence and whose connection energizes us to thrive. It is these trusting, supportive relationships that raise our love-level, making everything we do more enjoyable, less challenging, and worthwhile.

The best and most important part of life is our relationships. They affect our thoughts, choices, decisions, reactions, attitude, and productivity. Healthy relationships can be the source of our boldness and confidence to handle any situation, but an unhealthy relationship can be the source of struggle that can derail confidence, courage, and purpose.

I N T R O D U C T I O N

7 RELATIONSHIP DERAILERS AND 5 HABITS TO AVOID THEM

UNMET EXPECTATIONS

Occasionally we engage in professional, social, and familial relationships with expectations that, when unmet, cause frustration, disappointment, struggle, or conflict. Both parties in a relationship have expectations about the other person’s role. When either party does not play the role as expected, challenges arise. Whether challenges are temporary or turn toxic, they prevent either party from engaging authentically and collaboratively and enjoying a supportive relationship that empowers each to live their life to its highest potential.

CHALLENGING REL ATI O NSH I P AT TRAC T MO R E CHALLEN GE S

A challenging relationship will affect not only your attitude and mood but also how you interact and respond to minor inconveniences, disappointments, and other challenges. It will negatively influence your perspective and how you engage in a conversation. Your conversations tend to lean toward complaining, criticizing, and frustration. You attract friendships with people whose conversations have these similar themes. You attract, and are attracted to, things to be frustrated about, complain about, and criticize. You miss seeing the great things occurring around you because your mind is overcome by negative thoughts. It is easier to focus on the negativity.

Inexplicably, it seems that disappointments are drawn to you. However, this should not be a mystery. Your negative attitude and mood are influenced by the challenges in the relationship and cause you to make choices and take actions that result in disappointment. Your attention, even subconsciously, has been hijacked by the resulting frustration, anxiety, and negativity. For example, when you interact with others with a negative attitude, behavior, or mindset, you perpetuate and feed your


You miss seeing the great things occurring around you because your mind is overcome by negative thoughts. It is easier to focus on the negativity.

own negativity. You are living a life marred by negative feelings, which affect your perspective and infect your choices. True to the laws of attraction, your negative feelings – including doubt, exclusion, jealousy, envy, separateness, deficiency, and contempt – cause you to attract people and situations that mirror those feelings. You attract more circumstances that support your feelings and make you feel envious, jealous, and excluded.

POSITIVE RELATION S HI P S AT TRAC T MO RE P OSITIVE

EXPERIENCE S

Conversely when you are surrounded by healthy, positive, and supportive relationships that influence your positive attitude, you will make bold, courageous choices, take action with confidence, and attract positive results.



7 RELATIONSHIPDERAILERS

S E C T I O N O N E

because your relationships affect your thoughts and feelings, they affect everything you do including your reactions, productivity, creativity, and attitude. Healthy relationships will energize you, increase your confidence, and make you feel you can withstand any circumstances your face. You’ll have a connection with someone who brings out the best in you. You can see why surrounding yourself with healthy relationships is important. But there are somethings that can derail a relationship no matter what you or the other person does with good intention. These are seven derailers:



we are storytellers of narratives told from our own point of view. Stories help us to understand, explain our point of view, and give us a frame of reference. We use stories to help us find identity in, make meaning of, and find purpose in our circumstances. They give us a framework of how to engage and respond to others, and are developed long ago. Most people are not aware of their own stories nor how their stories affect their behavior and their interpretation and responses to the behavior of others. Your stories as well as the other person’s unexplored and undisclosed stories both affect the relationship.

STORIES that AFFECT HOW BOTH PARTIES ENGAGEin the RELATIONSHIP


ego developed in response to our need for connection, affection, attention, and approval. Ego causes us to focus on what we want and how to get it from others. It gives us a frame of reference to help us understand how to behave in specific situations to gain what we want. When we don’t receive what we expect or when we have a perspective we feel requires defending, ego helps us to gain a level of control. Ego is our protection to help us avoid disappointment and pain, to satisfy a need, and to attract positive attention. It begins to develop very early in life. Frequently egos compete or want their own need met without regard to others.

UNDERSTANDING THE PURPOSE and GOALS of EGO


in every relationship, eventually both parties learn each other’s triggers, but many do not understand how destructive and toxic it is to use them. Triggers cause negative responses and defensiveness when used in an attempt to manipulate each other. You don’t have to use them to get a response. There are better methods to enlist cooperation from others, and once you learn more about your triggers, you will know how to avoid the trap.

EMOTIONALTRIGGERS


love should be the connection in all relationships whether expressed as compassion, affection, collaboration, cooperation, generosity, or help. We do not need to depend on others to feel love. Fear is the opposite of love. When we live in fear, we are selfish, insecure, inconsiderate, and distrustful, behaving in ways that protect ourselves. We experience doubt, overwhelmingness, loneliness, rejection, lack, and shame. We push people away, interact with others with a bad attitude, and disrespect them – causing challenges in our relationships. Hate is expressed as having an aversion to something, detesting something, or recoiling from something. Hate is not experienced even in the most toxic relationships. Fear is. Understanding the truth about love and fear is essential to any relationship.

MISUNDERSTANDING LOVE vs FEAR vs HATE


judging others is a way to distance ourselves from and frequently make ourselves feel better than others. The worst part about judging others is that you will also judge yourself. The worst part about being judged is that you may hide that part of you that you are judging and risk not living your authentic self. Judgement of self and others introduces doubt, insecurity, and shame into relationships. Judgement keeps you focused on limitations and the things you don’t want or like.

JUDGMENT of SELF AND OTHERS


not all relationships are alike. A healthy relationship may develop without having to communicate expectations, but sometimes expectations must be discussed and agreements on various aspects made. The key is that both parties must be in agreement. What is considered a healthy relationship between one pair of sisters may not be expected between another pair of sisters. Expecting certain behaviors from others when they are not able or willing to participate in the relationship in that way will cause frustration for both parties.

EXPECTATIONS


the one thing you can always count on is change. It is the only constant. As people learn and discover new experiences, their perspective and interests will change. In some cases, as their life position changes, the way they engage in the relationship will change as well. When either party cannot accept these changes, frustration, disappointment, resentment, and contention escalate. Learning to change with change, or at least being aware that change is happening minimizes conflict.

FAILURE TO CHANGE as the RELATIONSHIP CHANGES


5 HABITS that attract SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIPS

S E C T I O N T W O

THE FOLLOWING A RE F I V E Q U I C K TI P S to help you attract and surround yourself with supportive relationships that inspire you to live your life to your highest potential.


approach relationships with curiosity to understand the other person rather than with expectations of them to play a role you have envisioned for them in your relationship story. Not all happy and healthy relationships are alike. Everyone has a different vision for and expectation of their relationships. Defining someone’s role as you see it may lead to disappointment. Nor should they expect you to play a role they have determined you should play. A healthy relationship may develop without having to communicate expectation, but sometimes expectations must be discussed and agreements on various aspects made. Approach relationships with patience, presence and an openness to understand and expand space for trust, safety and open communication.

ENGAGE with PRESENCE & PATIENCE


relationships have ups and downs, but when both parties’ behavior is aligned with good intentions, the downs are less troublesome. All communication and interactions should be aligned with understanding, good intention, and compassion. When either party communicates with anger, blame, judgement, or frustration, they are met with defensiveness, and the ability to communicate is lost. Choose to always communicate your truth and remain aligned with good intention. Do not allow yourself to get pulled into drama. There is an art to remaining centered and aligned with good intention in the midst of chaos and disappointment. Resisting only creates struggle.

ALIGN with GOOD INTENTION


it is easier to come together based on similarities, but it is important to value and celebrate differences, including culture, family traditions and values, beliefs, and interests. By embracing each other’s differences, you’ll discover they enrich your relationship and facilitate trust and genuine connection.

CELEBRATESIMILARITIES and DIFFERENCES in EACH OTHER


the person we most like to talk about is our self. The person whose opinion we like most is our own. The stories we like to listen to most often are the ones we tell. The same is true for anyone you are in or would like to be in relationship with. Shine the spotlight on them. Let them talk and share. Be interested in what they are telling you. Ask them questions that keeps them talking. It will soon be your turn. If you never get a chance to share because they are always sharing, that may be a sign that they will be more interested in what they will get from the relationship.

BE INTERESTED more than INTERESTING


there will inevitably be conflict simply because we each have different perspectives due to our different experiences. Conflicts also arise when expectations are not met. With good intentions, facilitate an open and nonjudgmental conversation when conflict arises before resentment, anger, and bitterness develop. Non-threatening and open-minded discussion is the best way to be heard, to hear, to develop trust and connection, and to creatively compromise and resolve differences of opinion.

RESOLVE CONFLICTrather than ALLOW IT TO GET WORSE

The expectations we place on our relationships can cause disappointment, frustration, and strain. Failing to explore the things that derail relationships may cause unnecessary challenges or even toxic interactions. Learn more about navigating the challenges of relationships, creating space for healthy relationships, and the art of connecting with the program “The Power of Connection.” The three part program includes The Relationship Detox Manifesto, Creating Space for Connection and The Art of Connecting. Discover more relationship derailers, how they affect relationships, how they develop, and how to navigate them. Learn the art of connecting and more habits to develop healthy connections.

LEARN MORE HERE

Sometimes when people get discouraged about the state of a relationship insightful words, stories, and simple exercises can help to put the relationship back on track, be a guide to clarity about how to navigate the relationship, and be a guide to build healthy relationships. Learn how the 3 part program “The Power of Connection” can help you to navigate even challenging relationships and discover the art of connection.

C O N C L U S I O N


http://positivelysuccessfulmagazine.com/power-of-connection

RELA- TION- SHIP 7 RELATIONSHIP DERAILERS and AVOID …...Jul 07, 2018 · 7 RELATIONSHIP DERAILERS...

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