Recovery - Hole in the Sidewalk - Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

7/30/2019 Recovery - Hole in the Sidewalk - Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

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T.E.A.C.H.Teach, Empower, Advocate for Community Health

Recovery 101

ez Source: http://www.lessons4living.com/sidewalk_of_life.htm

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Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I fall in.I am lost ... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same placebut, it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I see it is there.

I still fall in ... it's a habit.My eyes are openI know where I am.

It is my fault.I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.


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Chapter One

I walk down the street.There is a deep hole in the

sidewalk.I fall in.

I am lost.... I am helpless.It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Thinking over this chapter, I recall my own journey down the sidewalk of life. Thethings I have experienced, including the good and bad times I had. I remember themany holes I have fallen into. Those times where I had been minding my ownbusiness when the bottom fell out with no warning. Those times when I suddenlyfound myself in a pit of frustration, anger, anxiety, resentment, grief, or despair.Those times when I dealt with loss, change, and challenge that caught me bysurprise and seemed out of my control.

Chapter One can describe my truth and tell me exactly how my life is. Sometimes asI walk down the sidewalk of life I have wound up in a deep hole that was not of myown making.

Any number of events can place a person in a hole of darkness, despair, anger, loss,anxiety, worry, or grief. I might not have had anything to do with making thesituations, but I find I must learn to live with them. The resulting hole can be deepand dark. I have had to struggle long and hard to climb out of them.

This is the nature of life. Many things are out of my control. Unexpected events

happen. Change always occurs. The most that I can do is adapt to change the best Ican. I must struggle out of the hole into which I was thrown and journey on.Hopefully, I can grow from such experiences and become a more mature personwho is better able to cope with the bad things in life.

Chapter One QuestionsExamples of hole situations I have experienced include:

_________- the death of a friend or a pet__________________________________

_________- the loss of my job__________________________________________

_________- the loss of knowing who I am___________ ______________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________


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Chapter Two

I walk down the street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend that I don't see it.I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in this same place.But, it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

With Chapter Two, the question I think about is, "Have I ever found myself in exactlythe same hole more than once?"

Am I in exactly the same bad relationship (but with a different person) for thetwentieth time? Am I starting to wonder how all of these jerks findme?

How is it that I always get into the same type of conflict with my boss? She isso negative and critical and always expects so much from me. She makes mefeel miserable.

Maybe I am in the midst of the exact "word for word" argument with myspouse for the ten thousandth time. He says thisand I say thatjust like wealways do and I fall into the hole once again.

My son, mother, sister, or brother does that thing that they always do. Itpushes my buttons and as a result I respond as I always do. The cycle ofconflict begins once again.

I cannot believe that it has happened one more time. I wonder, "Why does thisalways happen to me? Why do they always do this to me? When will they ever stop?Why cant they understand what they make me do?" If other people would just "actright or as they should", life would get better. I try harder and harder to get others tochange.

Chapter Two QuestionsSome holes I keep finding myself in again and again are:

_____- Having the same argument with my brother over and over.______________

_____- Not saying how I feel and then resenting my friends for not noticing or______seeming to care that I am hurt.___________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________


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Chapter Three


I seeit is there.I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.

I know where I am.It is myfault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter Three challenges me to wake up. I have fallen into the same hole oftenenough to come to that realization. When these things happen again and again, Isense that it is not happening by chance. Maybe this repetition is a pattern that is not

just inflicted on me by others. Because it repeats so many times, it must mean that Iam playing a role in creating these events.

As we walk on the sidewalk of life, we all fall into holes of psychological and spiritualdistress. Sometimes it feels like I was pushed into the hole. At first, it often seemsthat it is not my fault to be in the situation once again. However, as I continue on the

journey of life, I often find myself in the same hole more than once. I now know thatbeing in the same hole means that I am being given the chance to see that there is apattern in my life. Patterns do not exist until an event happens more than once. Apattern cannot be seen until I have been in the same situation over and over again.Only when it occurs yet again, is it possible to see the pattern or cycle. Once I amaware that the pattern exists, then there is the possibility of new insight. I can startto see the hole for what it is.

Each time I find myself in one of lifes familiar holes and am busy saying:

"It is not my fault," "Don't blame me." "Who is responsible for this?" "They are doing it to me again."

I can now call for a time-out. I now look to see how I might be responsible for mysituation. I ask myself, "What did I do to get here? What role did I play in creating thecircumstances that placed me in this hole?" Often, if I look hard enough, I can seethat I do a similar thing over and over again and it leads me into trouble. I can work

on this. I can work on changing what I do so I dont end up in the same situationagain.

If I dont look at my actions, I will likely blame other people. When I blame otherpeople for making me miserable, I try to change them so they dont upset me again.I have found that this is the trap of playing, "Let's fix you." Husbands and wives andparents and children often play this game. One spouse shows up at the counselor'soffice claiming that their mate is the problem. Parents bring in the child saying thechild's behavior needs to change. Children say that their parents make them act this


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way. Employees blame the insensitive boss. The overworked boss criticizes theinefficient employees. No one is taking responsible for anything.

Playing "Lets fix you" doesnt work. I have tried to change others, even a small child,by trying to make them just a little more the way I want them to be. I have tried to

make a few minor changes in another persons personality. By my way of thinking, ifI just gave this person a little bit of a "tune up" then I might be able to live with them.Did I succeed? The answer is, "No!" I have found that changing others is anextremely difficult if not impossible task. The other person may actually try tocooperate but often cannot make or sustain the change. I have come to realize thatmy effort is directed in the wrong direction.

If I fall into the same hole enough times I might awaken to the true nature of theproblem. I might find that I amresponsible for being there; that Iplayed some role inthe process, and that Imust change.

Learning this is good news. If I can find out what I am doing and stop doing it, then Ican avoid these holes into which I keep falling into. Taking some responsibility for myproblems means that I have some control over the situation. I have found that whatI need to do is to change myself and then the situation can improve. While this taskis very hard, it is at least possible. Changing others is not.

When I find myself once again in that samebad relationship, but with adifferent person, I need to realize that it is mewho is making the samemistake over and over. I need to ask myself, "What am I doing?" "How did Iget here once again?"

When I am in that same tired old argument, I ask myself, What did I do to get

here? When I wake up with a hangover once again, I ask myself, What wentwrong with my choice to never drink again?

When I become aware of what I am doing, or why I am doing it, then change ispossible. I can choose to take responsibility for myself and my actions.

If I change myself or my actions, my experience of the situation will change.Surprisingly, if I do this, the other people I had wanted to change may change aswell. I cannot change others by directly trying to influence them. But if Ichangemyself then they may choose to change themselves as well. Once I am different andcan keep that difference, then others around me are given the chance to change in

relation to me.

By effectively changing myself, I may end up changing another person, a group, andperhaps, the world. But I must start with myself.

When I start with myself, I know a good place to begin is with my attitude. I canchoose to have a positive or negative attitude about myself and life. It is up to me todecide how I want to live my life. I choose to think positively because I know I will behappier.


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Chapter Three Questions

What hole situations am I most sick of and just want to stop seeing again?:_____- Not saying how I feel and then resenting my friends for not noticing or______seeming to care that I am hurt.___________________________________________

_____- Fighting with my wife when I ask her if she really loves me.______________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

What can I do to change these holes so I dont get stuck in them again?:

_____- I will make a list of things that show my wife loves me. On the list I will putthings that she says or does that shows she loves me._Things like her saying I loveyou just the way you are or how she rubs my_shoulders when I am stressed)._____

_____- The next time I think that she doesnt love me, I will read the list over and___over again until I feel better._____________________________________________

_____- Instead of asking my wife Do you love me? I will ask her questions like____

How was your day? or Do you want to play a board game with me?___________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

How will this help me avoid the same hole again?:

_____- We always get into an argument when I ask my wife if she really loves me._______- When I read the list, I believe my wife loves me.____________________________- This means I will ask her Do you really love me? a lot less.__________________- This will lead to less fights(the hole I want to avoid!)_________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________


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Chapter Four


I walk around it.

Chapter Four is a brand new chapter in my life. Once I take some responsibility for what happening around me, the situation can change. I can begin avoiding the holes on thatstreet of life. I am now able to see what is coming, because I know my pattern ofbehaviours. This knowledge gives me control and I can now choose to respond to life in different way. A different response leads to new possibilities.

When someone invites me into a familiar hole, I no longer automatically enter. My friendwho has been waiting for me to come so we can leave for a party, sarcastically says,"Well, you are late again!" My normal response is to get defensive and say, "Must youalways complain?" Now when I see that familiar hole of an argument and a bad eveningahead, I can make a different choice. I realize that my friend has had the legitimatefrustration of waiting. She may also have been worried about me. I speak to these issueand say, "I am sorry to be late. Traffic was terrible. I couldnt get to a phone. I know thatyou were wondering what happened to me." My new choice allows my friend to admit heconcern and worry, rather than just voice the frustration of waiting. The hole of the sameold fight is avoided, and the evening goes well.

Chapter Four Questions

What did Ido differently to stop from falling in the hole?:

______- When I left the house, I told my father I would be home at 10pm instead of justleaving without saying goodbye like I normally would.___________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________


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How did the situation change because of what Idid?:

______- My father told me to have fun instead of saying I couldnt leave._______________- My father only called me once to check up on me instead of three times.__

______-I had a really good timeinstead of being mad at my father all night._____

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

How did Ifeel about the new situation?:

______- I feel really good about myself! I was the one who did it!!! ______________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

What did Ilearn from this?

______- I learned if I do something different, so will other people around me.______

______- I learned I can change things I am not happy about in my life.___________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________


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Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

Chapter Five is a new day! Finally, I change streets. I am changing my inner dialogue anbehavior so completely that the old pattern no longer occurs. Once on the new street, Imust be careful because, unfortunately, this street will have its own holes. It will haveholes that I have never seen before. But I now know the rules about the "holes" in thesidewalk. The first time that I encounter one I should ask, "How am I responsible?" It mabe that I am not responsible, but the sooner I ask this question, the sooner I can takecharge of my life.

This process is like a spiral that leads me upward towards psychological and spiritualwholeness. The sidewalks of life do not go in a straight line. They may not be flat. Theymay be like a trail that winds round and round a mountain until it reaches the top. Eachtime I break out of an old pattern of thinking and living, I begin a new pathway that leadsme ever upwards to the fundamental goal of life.

Fall into enough of the holes in the sidewalks of life and I may become whole. Throughthe lessons of the holes of life, I approach wholeness. Becoming whole means striving tobe all that I can be. All possibilities are explored. I know what I do, and why I do it.

Choices are made, and I am responsible for these choices. The holes in the sidewalk areactually invitations to grow. Am I open to the invitation?

Remember, growth takes time. Even the largest tree was once a tiny sapling whicneeded time, warmth, and nourishment to develop.


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Chapter Five Questions

What are you going to do when you find yourself in the next hole?:

_________- I will look at what I do not like about the situation._____________________

_________- I will figure out what I can do to change the situation.________________________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________ ________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________ ________________________

How do I feel about holes now?:

_________- I am a bit worried, but I know things will be okay._____________________

_________- I am not as worried about holes I know I can handle them!____________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________ ________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________ ________________________

How do I feel about yourself now?:

_________- I feel a lot better about myself I can actually stand up to someone when I

have a problem!_________________________________________________________

_________- I feel like I have more control over my life now._______________________

__________________________________________________________ ____________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________ ________________________

__________________________________________________________ ____________

Any other thoughts about this Chapter or the rest of the poem?

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________ ________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________ ________________________________

Recovery - Hole in the Sidewalk - Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

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