Reconnecting With Your Children

Help for Combat Veterans

Issues Your Children Face

• Children thrive on routines

• Change in routines from Pre- deployment,Deployment,Reintegration

• Developmental Issues/change

• Environmental

Where Do Combat Veterans Start?

Where do Combat Veterans Start?

• Look at Ages and Stages of your children• Familiarize yourself with your child’s development

right now• ENGAGE with appropriate actions and activities• Understand the rocess of the Re-integration cycle• Self Knowledge• Utilize your skills of observation with your child• Understand where your partner has been• Work on communication• Know red flags and ask for help if you need it

AGES AND STAGES

DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS

• Every Child has a “Job” developmentally…We all do!

• What is your child’s stage and what is the main question to be addressed…

• Being,-0-6 months,Doing 6-18 months, Thinking-18months-3 years,Identity and Power- 3-6 years,6-12 Years -Structure,13-18 years,-Identity Sexuality and Separation

Main Concepts

• Understand Your Child’s Stage• Temperament/Personality come into play • Look at Typical Behaviors and then

familiarize yourself with them and how to deal with them

• What are affirmations, and how do we use them?

Parenting and reintegration

• No such thing as a “perfect parent”

• Use this as a time for you to look at how you have parented in the past(pre-deployment), how you were parented, and keep what works and “delete” or throw out what does not work anymore

RE-INTEGRATION/GRIEF

• All family members experience loss,everyone grieves differently

• Reintegration-”no square one”

• Restore hope,feed it• Stages of grief…• Denial,

shock,anger,bargaining, acceptance

• Understanding Anger

COMMUNICATION

• “I Statements

• Instead of “You” Judgments

• I feel…

• When…

• Because..

ACKNOWLEDGING FEELINGS

• Make it Developmentally Appropriate

• A feeling is a feeling no wrong or right

• How to do it

Acknowledging Feelings

• For Babies• Lots of touch!

• For Toddlers• A feelings Vocabulary

• For Preschoolers• Name the feelings

• For School Age• Ask about feeling

• For Teenage• I’m here for you

Ideas On Reconnecting

• Take it easy,let your child lead

• One on one time

• Look at your child’s artwork schoolwork,pictures

• Show an interest in the every day events of your child’s life

• Find out what new interests your child has developed while you’ve been gone

• Praise your child specifically for the things they have done to help out, but other things they have accomplished

• Some children might like a “bravery medal or tangible award

• Discuss your feelings about returning and encourage them to do the same

• Listen actively and sensitively

• Ease back into family routines

• Discipline with care and love

• Join a local ECFE or parenting group

• Seek help if needed

PARTNER/ SPOUSE CONNECTION

• Spouse has been in charge, had to hold it together…

• Some want to relinquish control others do not…

• Importance of communication

• Should we spend time alone or not?

• Everyone handles this differently

Stress Busters

• Watch Your child, know what stress looks like

• Listen,acknowledge feelings

• Show confidence

• Don’t overprotect

• Reevaluate your expectations

• Set a good example

• Rethink your child’s schedule?

• ROUTINES

• Check your child’s health, diet

• Spend relaxed time with your child

• Stop nagging, blaming, criticizing and threatening

• Look at your own work load• Engage the help of teachers and

counselors• Allow your child real choices when

appropriate• Help your child feel in control• Allow for some down time in your

child’s day• Show your child that adults can be

trusted• Avoid comparisons, love uniquely • Allow for transitions• Seek help when necessary

Common Reactions

• Infants(Birth-12 months)-may respond with decrease in appetite, weight loss irritability/and or apathy

• Toddlers1-3 may become sullen, tearful, throw temper tantrums or develop sleep problems

• Preschoolers-are more aware of the absence of a parent -regression may occur toilet, learning,sleep separation fears. They may personalize situations…

• School Age 6-12 Irritability,aggression,whininess, testing limits.

• Teenagers-13-18 rebellious,irritable or challenging authority. Be aware of high risk behaviors…

Red Flags

• Infant and Toddlers• Eating and sleeping difficulties• Hard to soothe• Flat/sad affect• Aggressive,whining anger more than

other children the same age not related(not related to language burst)

• Attachment issues• Anxiety or change in behavior• Episodes of panic or fear may not be or

may be specific or cause may not be clear

• Change in muscle tone flat or stiff

RED FLAGS

• Preschool/School Age• Flat affect• Change in behavior

/sleep ,personality issues• Physical complaints• Nightmares concern about safety• School avoidance• Regression• Excessive anxiety and fearfulness• Loss of interest in activities• Inability to concentrate at school

Red Flags

• Pre-Adolescents and Adolescents(12-18)

• Self consciousness• Rebellion at home and school• Abrupt shift in relationships• Depression and social withdrawal• Acting out-sexually, or risk taking

behavior• Excessive activity/none to manage

inner turmoil• Anger outburst

• Sleep eating disturbances including nightmares

• Increased self focusing and withdrawal

NEW BEGINNINGS

• Re-integration is a chance to…

• Get to know and love your children in a new way