Issue #17,002,0129/19 - 10/3

Fall 2012

Syrup: freeMolasses: $3 readme

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Devastating news, my fellow Americans: the elections have been canceled.

Earlier this week, the United States government declared that the presi-dential elections would no longer be taking place. Studio execu-tives cited poor ratings as the reason for the cancellation, claiming that viewers found the plot repetitive and the characters boring.

“Last season,” whined Camille Burns, who started watching the show in its 40th season and has found no inspiration to start from the beginning, “producers promised to do some-thing new. But their grand reveal replaced a young guy and his old white VP with a young guy and his old white VP. They’re just running out of material.”

For those who haven’t been paying attention - which we assume is all of you, given the low turnout in the 2004 season - critics have de-

scribed the social-is-sue-of-the-week trope as trite and overdone. In addition, many vot-ers have constantly found the candidates to be uninteresting and difficult to tell apart.

“It’s like their writer can only handle one character,” added Ms.

Burns, “Every character is just another guy in a suit.”

Producers promised to add more explosions, fireworks, and death-defying events if the show gets picked up again, stating, “We’ll try four wars this time!”

2012 Presidential Elections Canceled

Over the last 10 years, cocaine smuggling into America has almost tripled. Though usage has dropped since the cocaine-filled blur known informally as the 1980s, smuggling has become easier with the in-creased use of drug subma-rines. Naturally, the DEA is trying to find some way to keep hard-working Ameri-cans from getting tweaked like our Founding Fathers intended. Frickin jerks…

Anyway, the DEA has investigated new ways to catch the drug subs before they surface. The original plan was to train police sharks to bite through the subs, but the sharks soon got ad-dicted themselves. This lead to a mix of wide-spread panic and a screenplay for Jaws 5: Jaws meets Tony Montana.

Finally, the US government found the ultimate drug-catching weapon: Charlie Sheen. In an in-

credibly selfless move, the Two and A Half Men star left his signature show to join the US government in fighting drugs. It turns out that while Charlie Sheen loves drugs like a hipster loves that band you’ve probably never heard of, he doesn’t want impres-sionable teens getting their grubby paws on his be-loved cocaine. Plus, since Charlie Sheen was in the movie Wall Street back in

the 80s, he’s technically is like ¼ shark.

While the plan is obviously foolproof, the only current flaw is that Sheen can’t breathe under water. Normal methods like scuba or a friendly sea lion guide failed because Sheen can only swim when he’s riding high as a kite with a knife clenched between his teeth. Current research ar-eas include cross-breeding Sheen with a dolphin to form an even more sex-crazed drug dolphin, or just turn him into Aquaman. It’s also unclear

US Fights Drug Trafficking

THIS WEEK IN BEARS: A SYRUPY

HEISTFor years, those conniving bastards had us believing that all they wanted from us were our oversized jars of honey and our picnic baskets, and the occasional lost hiker. Now, they’ve gone too far. The sudden disappear-ance of Canada’s entire supply of ma-ple syrup (and its only export unrelated to hockey) was mysterious at first. It was a week before the theft was report-ed, Canadians being too polite to make a fuss over the disappearance of their only natural food source. But when the Mounties started suffering from syrup withdrawal, Canada decided it was aboot time to investigate.

Upon discovering that only the syrup itself, not the drums in which they were contained, had been stolen, the answer became obvious: Bears. Who else would be sneaky enough to break into the Canadian Maple Syrup Vault undetected, eat all the maple syrup, and escape without footprints? Who else hates waffles so much that they’d destroy the greatest topping for the otherwise dry and bland breadstuff? The attack on breakfast has begun.

Taking this warning to heart, Canada and America are partnering together to sneak strawberry jam and Nutella out of grocery stores and into protected stashes around the countries. Yester-day, America issued a warning to the bears, vowing a ten-year retribution against any bears trying their tricks in the USA. In response, Canada asked the bears to “maybe not steal from us again, please?”

Elections to be Replaced with Firefly

Scene from Jaws V

9/19 - 10/3Issue #17,002,012 - readme p. 2 -

In the depths of Wean, Papa John’s has been laboring with CMU’s Bioengineering De-partment to secretly develop Fat Canceling Technology. This technology is so power-ful that it will enable pizza fans to indulge in up to 4 slices of extra-cheese pizza, while only absorbing the fat of a vegan whole-grain veggie-tofu wrap with fat free dressing. Homeland Security has put the project under lockdown. Still, information is leaking out.

Egotta Tinybutt, head researcher for the project opened up to readme, of all papers. “It’s about time,” Dr. Tinybutt said, “Those Homeland Security guys want to keep this a secret so they can eat all our leftovers. It’s re-ally hard to work with these guys frisking our pepperonis all the time.”

Dr. Tinybutt told readme that the fat in foods comes from structures within the cells known as Chubby-ons. Papa John’s new technology lets them genetically engineer vegetables to be laced with high amounts of Anti-chubby-ons, which cancel out their weight-increasing opposites. Anti-Chubby-ons naturally occur in vegetables like toma-toes and onions, and scientists only had to increase this base amount.

Big business may be behind Homeland Secu-rity’s suppressing the project. Opponents say Fat Canceling Technology will devastate the weight-loss and weight-related medical care industries, costing the US $60.97 bajillion/year. The Biggest Loser could lose 90% of its viewers if the technology becomes wide-spread.

CMU and Papa John’s are negotiating an agreement to let the pizza store implement their discovery. Papa John’s, which funded most of the research, said that it would make the genetically altered products avail-able for individual purchase, but would hold the patents on them, so they would profit as other pizza and restaurant chains scurried to upgrade their menus. CMU also stands to benefit, with a percentage-based take on the research, which administrators say will eventually fund the building of a bubble over the entire campus to protect students from global warming.

Big Apple Pizza

America was sent into a state of shock when a spokesman for the Democratic party an-nounced that the elections were, in his words, “still a thing that is happening”. The aftermath of this announcement raised many questions, like ‘wasn’t there already been an election back in 2008?’ or ‘why do we even bother if they’re just going to keep changing the president every four years anyways?’.

Though details about this alleged ‘election’ are elusive (then again, we were using Bing for most of our research), we at readme were able to glean this much: it has something to do with two guys who disagree a lot. They spend most of their time talking to huge groups of people about whatever random stuff is on their minds, taxes, healthcare, for-eign policy, nothing that important. Despite this, each candidate is supported by what the media calls ‘political parties’, which raises the crucial question of whether any politi-cal beer will be supplied, or if it’s bring-your-

own. Findings are as of yet inconclusive on that account.

The exact rules of this ‘election’ are hard to follow, but it does seem to include a surpris-ing amount of viewer participation. Citizens all across America are encouraged to vote for their favorite candidate, much like the format of popular reality show The Voice. Strangely, though, the elections don’t actually seem to have a talent portion, leaving it a little unclear what we’re supposed to vote on. It could be that we’re supposed to vote for the candidate whose views we agree with more, but that seems a little farfetched. More likely they’ll just use that for the elimination round.

It’ll certainly take time for America to adjust to living in an age where elections actually exist, but we can at least take comfort know-ing that we won’t have to deal with this again in 2016.

ELECTION THING STILL GOING ON, APPARENTLY

Letter for Busy Friends Serving Time

Since many students have friends and/or professors in Qatar who are too busy to write home with updates, readme has devel-oped a convenient cut and paste “Mark the appropriate answer” reply form. Please be sure to swamp your friend’s mailboxes with it -- they will love you forever:

Mark whatever applies:1) Y ___ N___ I am still alive.2) Y ___ N___ I am still kicking.3) Y ___ N___ It is a good thing no one is close enough for me to kick.4) The weather here is (___ Wonderful __ Hotter than last month’s centerfold in the Jalepeno Farmers’ Union Quarterly). 5) Teaching in Qatar ( ___ is a lot like teach-ing in Pittsburgh, only I get to stay in a hotel and the coffee is better ___ is nothing like teaching in Pittsburgh, except for the bad coffee ___ is much like teaching in Pitts-burgh, but I miss my chai)

6) The students here ___ appreciate my teaching ___ appreciate the days I don’t give homework7) I’m getting along well with the locals ___and plan to emigrate ___ their jail is quite comfortable ___ I’ve taught them to make chai ___they’ve gotten used to my snoring and have finally quit throwing things at my door at night

8) In my free time, for fun here ___ I go visiting the malls, clubs and campus social events ___ I go scuba diving ___ I visit the many historical sites and markets ___ This is still CMU -- what free time?

9) The food is ___ excellent ___excellent, but I cook better ___ Just like home ___ It’s still CuisineArt and vending machines 10) ___ I miss everyone and look forward to seeing you all when I get back ___ I haven’t been gone long enough to miss you all ___

Pizza > Apples, comments CMU student

9/19 - 10/3Issue #17,002,012 - readme p. 3 -

Last Week’s Sudoku Solution

Also In This Issue....

Romney’s slogan “Keep America American” convinces Obama not to sell country to Italy

Obama quits time travel plans, vowing “Forward not Back”

Breaking Bad has bad break

What Cohon will do when he retires?

1. Fight crime full-time2. Star as a new actor in old movies3. Wait tables at Denny’s4. Take classes at CMU as a non-degree student5. Become the new Jared for Subway.6. Sit in front of his fireplace, swirling brandy in a glass a la Mr. Burns, and con-template his life.7. Finally figure out what this 251 thing is.8. Go to petting zoos, but not to pet. Just to watch9. Return to his slumber... until he is needed again.10. Ride off into the sunset on a white horse. Sadly, he will never learn that he left the stablegirl pregnant.11. Wait for the Heat Death of the Universe so that he may begin again.12. Volunteer to build new academic build-ings and dorms with his bare hands13. Fill all the bottlecap holls in Wean14. Tastefully decorate the steam tunnels15. Finally cut loose at Carnival16. Rename more colleges17. JOIN README18. Train the scotty dog to bark “in Scottish”19. Start a one-man bagpipe band20. Ascends to a higher state of being21. Becomes a Barbarian22. Climb Walkin into the Sky23. Just keep digging and digging and dig-ging . . .

(Also will be next week’s Sudoku Solution)

Witty Caption

Editing & Writing Staff

FINDERS:Rachel Bullen, Ivy Krislov, Jule Pattison-Gordon, Joe Selinger, Vis SubramanianKEEPERS: Karpur Shukla, Taerim Kim, Alex Wachsman, Jeff Kurish, Jay Woo Kim, Jake Reid, Fernando Torre, Michael McGinnis, Rachel Bullen, Ivy Krislov, Fielding Watson, Old Toby, Veronica Ebert, Tom Zhang, Niteesh Sundaram, Vivek Nair, Adam “Bubbles” Leibowitz, Sally Gao, Kalyani Srinivas, Albert Brown, Tim Broman, Angelle Guyette, and introducing DERPWhat is readme? Well, it’s funny and it’s useful. And free. And a high source of SOMETHINGWho makes it? readme is printed by the Activities Board Publications Committee, sponsored by your student activities fee.Where do I get it? Try news stacks, academic halls, clusters, campus eateries, and in front of Doherty on Fridays.How do I help? Email eforney@cmu.edu. We need writers, Photoshoppers, pizza-eaters and girls.And remember: A JOKE GOES HERE.

readmecmu.wordpress.com

9/19 - 10/3Issue #17,002,012 - readme p. 4 -This is the penis section where we talk about penises

In an attempt to placate the growing popu-lation of underground concert-goers, Carn-egie Mellon Housing is replacing the Marga-ret Morrison Laundromat with an obscure venue, complete with a sweet sound system, rave lights, and a new paint job. The new venue, called The Cleaners, is so under-ground and obscure that Housing did not even mention it to the residents who would be making use of that area.

When aske about that decision, Housing simply looked disgusted at readme, and de-manded to know who “told” us about it, and that we were making the new club too “mainstream.”

While little is known about the club itself, since we aren’t “cool” enough, it can be sur-mised that this recent renovation is an obvi-ous attempt for Carnegie Mellon to try and raise its hipster levels to dangerous levels. Though nothing has happened as of yet,

it can be assumed that the area of campus once known as The Intersection, will now become an oasis for the culture-deprived in-die rockers that travel in loose packs around the ‘Burgh.

Judging from the Twitter updates and blog posts, the area hipsters are anxious for the renovation to occur. One such tweet comes from Twitter user PeakingDuct states that “OMFG I can’t wait for Two Shoes Mon-day to come to town #Pittsburghisacultur-alwasteland”

readme is not entirely sure what that means, but we think we are concerned…and of-fended maybe? In any case, we fear what will become of that section of town, although it’s hard to say no to organically grown coffee.

The American Psychological Association yesterday released the results of study revealing that penis size really does matter and isn’t just some bullshit men cooked up. The forty-year long study followed men of all social classes throughout their lives and hardships.“It’s shocking,” said lead psychologist Dr. Manelum (7 inches), “but men with larger penises are more likely to keep their health, be steady fathers, get jobs in their chosen field, and find true love.”The news didn’t so much provoke shock as

mutters of “yeah, figures” and “I knew it!” The results are more completely conclusive than any study ever done and there is no margin of error. “Look at the facts,” Dr. Lyons, PhD, MD, esq (11 inches), “repeatedly we find social degenerates and unfortunates have tiny dicks. Adulterers average 4 inches, Stalin himself only 3 inches. Anyone with less than 5 inches is likely to be a psychopath, murderer, fastfood worker, or hipster.”Women agree, too. Nine out of ten women noted that men who used penis lenghtening procedures became more likely to help out around the house and finally understand what it is women want. (“That’s acutually something guys don’t get?” laughed Mike Willaby, 8 inches, as he cured breast cancer and broke three Olympic records). All other men in the study went home to cry. (The APA also reports that an ongoing study suggest that is really doesn’t matter how you use it).

Experts Agree, Size Matters

Rove: Is Killing Aiken Legitimate Murder?

In the latest GOP news, would-be murder-er Karl Rove apologized to would-be rapist Todd Akin. Rove had suggested he might kill Akin for his comments invalidating the hor-rifying experience of millions of rape victims.

Watching this exchange, Obama has decided to embrace the image of himself as a dining room chair, noting that if this is what the GOP has to offer, an inanimate piece of fur-niture is a more moral and capable leader.

In a careful effort to restore the GOP’s public image, Newt Gingrich and Mike Huckabee rushed in and lambasted Rove for maligning a rapist-enabler. Rove apologized for being so inappropriate as to treat lightly the murder of one person, promising that he would shape up and next time just treat lightly the torture of millions.

Rove also clarified that his original comment was a misunderstanding – he had only meant that he would illegitimately murder Akin. “Legitimate murder is awful. I understand why people are upset now,” said Rove, hoping they could all get a drink and laugh about it.

“I’m not just going to stab him if he doesn’t want me to,” continued Rove, who admit-ted that if he sees Akin drunk, looking like a douche who ought to get stabbed, Rove can’t be held responsible. “Akin’s mouth might say ‘no, please don’t kill me I have so much to live for’, but if his eyes say ‘yes’, well, I can’t see a court getting mad over that.”

Besides, Rove added, even if he – had - meant legitimate murder, it wouldn’t be so bad. The body has defense mechanisms and knows to shut down when a knife is being thrust into it for real, not just for fun.

Housing replaces Laundromat with Indie Concert Venue

9/19 - 10/3Issue #17,002,012 - readme p. 5 -This is the fear section, where we tell you how to run, RUN NOW OH GOD IT’S COMING!

If you attended the TOC last week you, more likely than not, were an awkward technical major with many skills, but not one of them being how to talk to people. readme would therefore like to afford you a lists of do’s and don’ts for next year’s TOC, where you will hopefully not make quite such a fool of yourself.

Do: Shake the recruiter’s hand warmly, making eye contact.Don’t: Caress the recruiter’s face lovingly, while staring deeply into his or her eyes.

Do: Introduce yourself by name, major and yearDon’t: Introduce yourself by name, sexual pro-clivities and favorite taxidermy project.

Do: Hand the recruiter your resumeDon’t: Hand the recruiter a taco

Do: Include your contact information on your resumeDon’t: Write contact information on recruiters hand with a winky face ;)

Do: Make an impressionDon’t: Do an impression

Do: Carry a portfolioDon’t: Carry a bookbag, you fucking evil turtle

Do: Have a portfolio of your work on handDon’t: Have a portfolio of your past murders on hand.

Do: Go to the TOCDon’t: Ruin it for the rest of us

Article (300 words)More Different Headline

TOC Dos and Don’ts

Scotty Invades Twitter

Witty Caption

Are you a Student

Org that has events?

Do you like FREE

advertising?YOU DO?!

BARK!

E-mail ikrislov@cmu.edu with your event information

two Mondays before the week of your event. Include a description, the time, date, location, and cost. We will

include it in this event listing ABSOLUTELY FREE! Be-lieve it or not, people actu-ally read this thing. I mean, you’re reading it, and you’re

a people, right?

Events and Things On and Off CampusBallroom Dance Club LessonsMondays & Wednesdays, 8-11pm, Rangos BallroomWith Salsa Tuesdays, 8-10pm, Morewood Activities Room$5/Salsa lesson, $25/semester, 1st lesson free

Talk Back!Radio show by WRCTTuesdays, 9pm, 88.3 FM or podcast at WRCT.org

Free Improv Comedy WorkshopsWith the No Parking Players improv troupeThursdays and Sundays, 8pm, PH A18BNo experience necessary!

AB Skibo presents - Dan YoungWednesday, September 197:30 - 9:00pm at Skibo Cafe

AB Underground Presents-Sam LeeWednesday, September 267:30 pm at The Underground

ARCC’s Mid-Autumn Festival Late NightSaturday, September 298pm-midnight at the UC Black Chairs

readme Presents-Holy Musical B@manMonday, September 247 pm at BH 235B

Scotch’n’Soda Presents: The Cambridge FootlightsFriday, September 218 pm and 10pm, UC McConomyReserve tickets at http://www.snstheatre.org/

AB Films - PrometheusSaturday, September 227pm, 10pm, 1am in UC McConomy

AB Films - AlienSunday, September 236pm, 8pm, 10pm in UC McConomy

AB Films - The Amazing Spider-ManFriday, September 287pm, 10pm, 1am in UC McConomy

AB Films - ChronicleSaturday, September 298pm, 10pm, Midnight in UC McConomy

AB Films - SuperSunday, September 306pm, 8pm, 10pm in UC McConomy

HOW CAN I JOIN THIS FINE ORGANIzATION?

We meet at 6:30pm every Weds. at UC318G, or e-mail us at :

post+assocs.readme@andrew.cmu.edu