Raising Responsible Children using the

Love and Logic Approach

Karen K. WrightThe Bear Creek Schoolkaren.wright@tbcs.org

What do you want for your child?

What About You?

How do you want to be perceived? Parent Teacher

Three types of parents Drill sergeant Helicopter Consultant

Love and Logic

The technique is:

proactive respectful loving

Why Parent with Love and Logic?

Raise responsible children Raise ethical, caring children Raise children who are prepared to make positive contributions

See Handout A

The Misbehavior Cycle

Anger and frustration feed misbehavior

1. The misbehavior occurs2. The adult shows anger or frustration3. The child perceives authority figure4. Negative self-concept ensues 5. Misbehavior occurs again

Ending the Misbehavior Cycle Our response to a child’s misbehavior

provides a learning opportunity

“The most powerful people in my life can’t make be behave.”

“The most powerful people in my life have to sweat to make me behave.”

“It’s entertaining to make adults mad!”

Or… “I learned a lesson.”

The Two Rules ofLove and Logic

Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, or threats.

When a child causes a problem, the adult hands it back in loving ways.

How it works…

What first? Love and Logic parents make great

coaches—they over-learn their plays so they avoid having to improvise under pressure.

Love and Logic is not a cure for misbehavior; rather, it gives children the opportunity to learn from consequences.

Handout B Know thyself

One Play at a Time Strategy 1: Empathy

Always lead with empathy: “I know you are hungry, dear. I am starving

too, and it’s tough. Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes.”

Employ the broken record technique: “I know you are hungry, and dinner will be ready in 10 minutes.”

Strategy 2: Hint Phrase Oh, Oh Song

“Oh, Oh, looks as if you are whining/fitting/talking back”

“Oh dear!”

One Play at a Time

Strategy 3: Neutralize Arguing One-liner

“Probably so” or “Nice try” (loving, not sarcastic)

Handout C

One Sentence Intervention I love you too much to argue…..I love you

too much to argue….” Handout D

One Play at a Time

Strategy 4: Enforceable Statements “You may join us for dinner once you are as

calm as I am.” “I’ll start the movie as soon as your room is

tidy.” (Handouts E & F)

Strategy 5: Choices “You may have water or milk.” “Would you like to carry the diaper bag or the

grocery bag?” (Handout G)

Enforceable Statements and Choices

Both help children understand what we will allow rather than telling them what to do.

Choices give our children the opportunity to wrestle with the problem and come to their own conclusion about the best solution. The lesson is more likely to stick with them.

When we tell them what to do, we are sending the message, “You are too fragile to make it without me,” or “You can’t think for yourself, so I’ll do it for you.”

Choices help children regain control.

It’s Not Working! Strategy 6: Consequences

Given with empathy and encouragement “I feel sad when I miss out Grandma’s

special brownies too. Don’t worry. I feel sure you’ll be able to join us for brownies the next time she brings them.”

“Hmmm…this really stumps me. I’ll get back to you. Try not to worry about it.”

Handouts H & I

Resolution

Reconnect after the consequence For parents, this should include hugs,

kisses, and assuring your child that you love him, forgive him, and know he has learned from his mistake.

For teachers, this should include telling the students they love them unconditionally and are confident they will not repeat the same mistakes again.

Love and Logic Pearls

Guiding Children to Solve Their Own Problems (Handout J)

Praise, praise, praise Eye contact, eye contact, eye contact At the end of the school day

Practice the Golden Rule Hug your children before you ask them about

their day. Review homework only once or twice per week.

Have the child point out his/her strengths rather than focus on the mistakes.

The Power of You

You are the Heartbeat of the Home

Mary and Martha (Luke 10:40-42) “…But Martha was distracted by all the preparations

that had to be made. She came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!’”

“‘ Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.’”

Slow down, use your eyes and your words thoughtfully.

Raising Responsible Children using the

Love and Logic Approach

Karen K. WrightThe Bear Creek Schoolkaren.wright@tbcs.org