Proven Tips, Tools and Tactics To Speak Up and Confront Project Problems Effectively.

Proven Tips, Tools and Tactics To Speak Proven Tips, Tools and Tactics To Speak Up and Confront Project Problems Up and Confront Project Problems

Effectively Effectively

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In a recent on-line pollIn a recent on-line poll

We asked people what they thought We asked people what they thought was the biggest communication was the biggest communication problem. problem.

17% said cynicism and mistrust 17% said cynicism and mistrust 46% said poor communication skills 46% said poor communication skills 14% said absence of communication 14% said absence of communication 23% said stubborn refusal to entertain other 23% said stubborn refusal to entertain other

perspectives perspectives

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Five crucial conversationsFive crucial conversations

Most problems get solved fairly quickly. Smart people Most problems get solved fairly quickly. Smart people work together to put the problem behind them. But work together to put the problem behind them. But when problems have become chronic, have resisted lots when problems have become chronic, have resisted lots of smart people and smart solutions, then the cause is of smart people and smart solutions, then the cause is usually usually self-defeating patterns of behaviorself-defeating patterns of behavior..

The research found that there are five crucial The research found that there are five crucial conversations that are critical to the conversations that are critical to the success of most projects, and yet are success of most projects, and yet are consistently avoided (consistently avoided (flightflight) or done in ) or done in overly enthusiastic manner (overly enthusiastic manner (fightfight or or violence) violence)

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Self-defeating behaviorsSelf-defeating behaviors

Many people were raised to sweep conflict Many people were raised to sweep conflict under the carpet under the carpet

Some people's families do a lot of shoutingSome people's families do a lot of shoutingBlow Up or Say Nothing: The NO-WIN Blow Up or Say Nothing: The NO-WIN

Formula –either way you looseFormula –either way you loose

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We need to ask ourselvesWe need to ask ourselves

These are all important and yet difficult These are all important and yet difficult conversations to have. conversations to have.

1.1. Do we confront an "out-to-lunch" sponsor?Do we confront an "out-to-lunch" sponsor?2.2. Do we challenge arbitrary deadlines and Do we challenge arbitrary deadlines and

inadequate resources?inadequate resources?3.3. Do we confront individuals (power mongers) Do we confront individuals (power mongers)

who are inappropriately influencing priorities?who are inappropriately influencing priorities?4.4. Do we deal with ineffective or absent team Do we deal with ineffective or absent team

members?members?5.5. Do we openly discuss problems before they Do we openly discuss problems before they

cause failure? cause failure?

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Take the conflict challenge testTake the conflict challenge test

1.1. Is there tension in the air between you and another Is there tension in the air between you and another person? person?

2.2. Are you very angry with someone but want to avoid a Are you very angry with someone but want to avoid a fight? fight?

3.3. Do you want to discuss issues with a colleague or family Do you want to discuss issues with a colleague or family member who is very reluctant to talk about problems? member who is very reluctant to talk about problems?

4.4. Have you tried everything and have come to the point Have you tried everything and have come to the point where you want to give up on someone and write them where you want to give up on someone and write them off as uncooperative? off as uncooperative?

5.5. Would you like to have a way of solving problems and Would you like to have a way of solving problems and improving your relationship with someone, even if they improving your relationship with someone, even if they are difficult to deal with?are difficult to deal with?

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How would you like toHow would you like to

Know when NOT to Know when NOT to pick a fight pick a fight

Identify an issue worth Identify an issue worth solving solving

Get ready to tackle a Get ready to tackle a conflict conflict

Create common goals Create common goals worth pursuing worth pursuing

Elegantly overcome Elegantly overcome resistance and non-resistance and non-cooperation cooperation

Calm negative Calm negative emotions quickly emotions quickly

Get what you need Get what you need and avoid the 2 and avoid the 2 Extremes Trap (fight Extremes Trap (fight or flight)or flight)

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You can win when youYou can win when you

Manage or neutralize your emotions Manage or neutralize your emotions Find out what is important to you and the Find out what is important to you and the

other person other person Solve the differences that divide youSolve the differences that divide youReach a solution that you both wantReach a solution that you both want

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Consider an easy to use process Consider an easy to use process

1.1. Own feelings, notice – 1st Own feelings, notice – 1st positionposition

& Identify what reaction is & Identify what reaction is trying to tell youtrying to tell you

2.2. Guess what’s motivating the Guess what’s motivating the other person – 2nd position other person – 2nd position

3.3. Make a decision – 3rd Make a decision – 3rd position (What are benefits, position (What are benefits, risks, etc.?) risks, etc.?)

4.4. Follow a process of Follow a process of managing the confrontation managing the confrontation conversation – 3conversation – 3rdrd position position

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First, Second, and Third PositionFirst, Second, and Third Position

11st:st:

Your Own Your Own Point of Point of ViewView 22nd:nd:

The The Other’s Other’s Point of Point of ViewView

33rd:rd:

An Observer, An Observer, or the Fly on or the Fly on the Wall Viewthe Wall View

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1.1. Own reactions, notice – 1st Own reactions, notice – 1st position & Identify what position & Identify what reaction is trying to tell youreaction is trying to tell you




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Step 1: Own reactions, noticeStep 1: Own reactions, notice

1.1. Start in 1Start in 1stst position position2.2. Notice your own internal Notice your own internal

signals signals 3.3. Process of determining Process of determining

what it is you wantwhat it is you want

If you don’t have an If you don’t have an intention intention or goal for a conflict or goal for a conflict resolutionsresolutions or fight it’s or fight it’s very difficult for you to very difficult for you to achieve anything at all. achieve anything at all. How do you figure out How do you figure out what you WANT?what you WANT?

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Identify what’s important to youIdentify what’s important to you

Identify what is important and what you Identify what is important and what you want; once you’ve honored your want; once you’ve honored your reactionsreactions the more likely it is that you’ll be the more likely it is that you’ll be able to come up with a goal that’s equitable. able to come up with a goal that’s equitable. Once you’ve honor the reaction…you’ll Once you’ve honor the reaction…you’ll notice that you feel calmer inside and are notice that you feel calmer inside and are more able to deal with the situation. more able to deal with the situation.

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To figure out what you WANT… To figure out what you WANT… What to ask your reactionsWhat to ask your reactions

If Anger (also rage and fury)If Anger (also rage and fury) What must be protected? What must be protected? What must be restored?What must be restored?

Fear (Anxiety and Worry)Fear (Anxiety and Worry) What action must be taken? What action must be taken?

ConfusionConfusion What’s my intention?What’s my intention?

SadnessSadness What must be released? What must be released? What must be renewed?What must be renewed?

GriefGrief What must be mourned?What must be mourned?

DepressionDepression Why has my energy gone? Why has my energy gone? Where is it now? Where is it now?

SuicidalSuicidal What can no longer be What can no longer be tolerated in my soul? tolerated in my soul?

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What else to ask your reactionsWhat else to ask your reactions

Ask: What will happen if I do nothing about it? Ask: What will happen if I do nothing about it? Ask: What do I want? What do I want instead? Ask: What do I want? What do I want instead?

Why is that important? Why is that important? Ask: What does it mean? Ask: What does it mean? Ask: What do you what me to know? Ask: What do you what me to know? Ask: Why is that important? Ask: Why is that important? Ask: What do I want instead? Ask: What do I want instead? Ask: Why is that important? Ask: Why is that important? Ask: What does having that do for you?Ask: What does having that do for you?

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2.2. Guess what’s motivating the Guess what’s motivating the other person – 2nd positionother person – 2nd position



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Step 2: Guess what’s motivating Step 2: Guess what’s motivating themthem

11st:st:



33rd:rd:


Step 2: Move to guessing what

might be motivating the other person.

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Questions to considerQuestions to consider

What might they be feeling? What might they be feeling? What do they believe to be true? What do they believe to be true? If person is behaving like that what is it that they believe If person is behaving like that what is it that they believe

that is causing them to act like that? that is causing them to act like that? What would they need? What would they need? Why would that be important? Why would that be important? What do I have to offer them? What do I have to offer them? What might they be able to offer me? What might they be able to offer me? What is important to me about the future of this What is important to me about the future of this

relationship? relationship? Is this relationship important to me? Is this relationship important to me?

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3.3. Make a decision – 3rd Make a decision – 3rd position (What are benefits, position (What are benefits, risks, etc.?)risks, etc.?)


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Step 3: Decide whether or not to Step 3: Decide whether or not to have a conversationhave a conversation

11st:st:



33rd:rd:


Step 3: Move to analyzing

whether or not you really want to talk to this

person

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Questions to considerQuestions to consider

What are the risks of talking to them? (“If I don’t What are the risks of talking to them? (“If I don’t handle this properly…etc.”) handle this properly…etc.”)

What are the benefits? What are the benefits? Check in with yourself…what do you really want? Check in with yourself…what do you really want? It’s important to be clear on what it is you want? It’s important to be clear on what it is you want?

Or, what is it that’s important to me? Or, what is it that’s important to me?

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4.4. Follow a process of Follow a process of managing the confrontation managing the confrontation conversation – 3rd positionconversation – 3rd position

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Step 4: Managing the conversationStep 4: Managing the conversation

1. Establish rapport 1. Establish rapport

2. Make request 2. Make request

3. State benefit/problems solved 3. State benefit/problems solved

4. Summarize their response (need) 4. Summarize their response (need)

5. Restate your need (your needs are equal) 5. Restate your need (your needs are equal)

6. What can 6. What can wewe do to meet these needs do to meet these needs

7. Together, brainstorm & choose ways to 7. Together, brainstorm & choose ways to implement implement

8. Select how you’ll both evaluate how’s it’s working8. Select how you’ll both evaluate how’s it’s working

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The Macho TestThe Macho Test

Have I stated or implied in anything I’ve said or Have I stated or implied in anything I’ve said or done (or written) that…done (or written) that…

1.1. I know…something I know…something you don’t know?…more than you do? you don’t know?…more than you do?

2.2. You are not completely perfect in everything you You are not completely perfect in everything you do?do?

3.3. Someone else (like you, the messenger) is more Someone else (like you, the messenger) is more important than you are? important than you are?

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What to do if someone blames youWhat to do if someone blames you

Let them ventLet them ventMatch their tone, not their intentMatch their tone, not their intentThen, respond, putting it in the past…Then, respond, putting it in the past…

……you think I you think I haven’t beenhaven’t been reasonable… reasonable… Then, ask: “Well, what is it that you need?”Then, ask: “Well, what is it that you need?”

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We need to ask ourselvesWe need to ask ourselves

These are all important and yet difficult These are all important and yet difficult conversations to have. conversations to have.

1.1. Do we confront an "out-to-lunch" sponsor?Do we confront an "out-to-lunch" sponsor?2.2. Do we challenge arbitrary deadlines and Do we challenge arbitrary deadlines and

inadequate resources?inadequate resources?3.3. Do we confront individuals (power mongers) Do we confront individuals (power mongers)

who are inappropriately influencing priorities?who are inappropriately influencing priorities?4.4. Do we deal with ineffective or absent team Do we deal with ineffective or absent team

members?members?5.5. Do we openly discuss problems before they Do we openly discuss problems before they

cause failure? cause failure?

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An Action Plan for the WeekAn Action Plan for the Week

Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: by practicing for a week or more:

1.1. Monday lunch: Monday lunch: otherother position, friend/spouse position, friend/spouse

2.2. Tuesday family: Tuesday family: observerobserver position position

3.3. Wednesday alone: step into Wednesday alone: step into selfself

4.4. Thursday conversation: Thursday conversation: self, other, observerself, other, observer

5.5. Friday night public: who is in Friday night public: who is in self, other, observerself, other, observer

6.6. Saturday self tasking: how will you grow?Saturday self tasking: how will you grow?

7.7. Sunday integration: maps of realitySunday integration: maps of reality

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Here are ways to get better at perceptual Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or positions by practicing for a week or more: more:

1.1. Monday lunch: Monday lunch: otherother position, position, friend/spouse friend/spouse

Take on the attributes of this person. What Take on the attributes of this person. What would they eat? What would they see, would they eat? What would they see, hear, and feel?hear, and feel?

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In an interaction with your family, note from In an interaction with your family, note from observer position the specifics of the observer position the specifics of the interaction. Notice your contribution. interaction. Notice your contribution. What did you learn?What did you learn?

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Really notice what you see, hear, and feel, Really notice what you see, hear, and feel, and record what you learnand record what you learn

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4.4. Thursday conversation: Thursday conversation: self, other, self, other, observerobserver

During a conversation, shift between all 3 During a conversation, shift between all 3 positions. What did you sense? What did positions. What did you sense? What did you learn?you learn?

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5.5. Friday night public: who is in Friday night public: who is in self, other, self, other, observerobserver

In a shopping mall, for example, notice who is In a shopping mall, for example, notice who is in which perceptual position. How can in which perceptual position. How can you tell. What is your position during this you tell. What is your position during this activity?activity?

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How will you challenge yourself to grow in How will you challenge yourself to grow in these 3 different areas?these 3 different areas?

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People respond to their maps, not to reality. People respond to their maps, not to reality. How does this help you?How does this help you?

Many thanks to NLP ComprehensiveMany thanks to NLP Comprehensive

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Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: by practicing for a week or more:

1.1. Monday lunch: Monday lunch: otherother position, friend/spouse position, friend/spouse



4.4. Thursday conversation: Thursday conversation: self, other, observerself, other, observer

5.5. Friday night public: who is in Friday night public: who is in self, other, observerself, other, observer



Proven Tips, Tools and Tactics To Speak Up and Confront Project Problems Effectively.

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