PRINCE VAMPIRE

Written by

Caroline Kaplan

615 E 14th New York, NY 10009914 960 2866

TEASER

INT. BED CHAMBER- NIGHT

PRINCE RALPH, 16, hot, stares longingly out of his royal bedroom window into the night sky. ELIZABETH WEINSTEIN, 16, also hot, enters the room in a slutty maids outfit.

PRINCE RALPHI didnt hear you come in.

ELIZABETHI didnt make any noise.

He comes over and caresses her face.

PRINCE RAPLHOh, how far lost am I in the depths of your eyes.

ELIZABETHOnly you can know that.

PRINCE RALPHVery.

He kisses her, then tries to pull her over to the red satin curtain of his canopy bed.

ELIZABETHYour highness, I cannot. We should not, if anyone were to find out it would be my head.

PRINCE RALPHI would sooner have it be mine.

He looks down gesturing to his dick. She pulls away from him dramatically.

ELIZABETHIts not only the crown that prevents me tonight.

PRINCE RALPHI am here. You are there. What else is there?

She looks out the window.

ELIZABETHThe moon.

PRINCE RALPHNot nearly as beautiful as you.

ELIZABETHI mean the moon strikes me tonight as it does every month. Oh how I dread this time, the ungodly slaughter my nether regions are capable of.

PRINCE RALPHYou could kill 1000 men and I would not care.

He pulls her in for another deep kiss and back towards the bed, she stops.

ELIZABETHBut your beautiful satin sheets- theyll be ruined-

PRINCE RALPHYoull clean them.

He pulls her onto the bed and pulls the curtain.

LATER

MURIEL WEINSTIEN, late 70s, overweight, also in a maids outfit, enters the room carrying a flute.

MURIELTis time for your bedtime song my prince.

She pulls the drape to the bed to find him and Elizabeth mid-bang, Elizabeth looks at her in horror.

ELIZABETHMother?!

Muriel puts the drape back in place so she cant see them.

MURIELPlease, forgive my interruption.

Awkward pause. Muriel starts to play a song on the flute.

PRINCE RALPH (O.C.)A strange feeling has overcome me. I fear I make a poor impression.

2.

ELIZABETH (O.C.)Dont be silly my prince. Nothing could ever make us think poorly of you-

He opens the curtain and leaps off the bed. He bites into Muriels neck, her blood splatters on Elizabeths face.

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

3.

ACT ONE

Elizabeth gets out of bed to stop the prince as he drinks from Muriels neck.

ELIZABETHMy prince! What are you doing to my mother?

PRINCE RALPHI know not.

MURIELI do.

ELIZABETHYoure killing her! You must stop at once!

MURIELNo, tis quite alright, I dont mind, really.

ELIZABETHGet away from her!

Elizabeth manages to pull the Prince away from her mom.

He stands back gasping as Muriel falls to the floor. Elizabeth kneels down cradles her mom in her arms.

ELIZABETH (CONTD)(to Ralph)

How could you do this to her?!

MURIEL(to the prince)

Would you leave us for a moment?

PRINCE RALPHCertainly. I do apologize for draining your life.

MURIEL(croaks as her neck is gushing blood)

No need. Tis not a bother.

He leaves.

MURIEL (CONTD)(croaks)

I am proud of you for hitting that my child.

4.

ELIZABETHYou are? But he- hes a monster.

MURIELA monster you created. A monster you must tame.

ELIZABETHI dont understand.

MURIELThen hush, I shall explain in the little time I have left. On the month, every month that the moon is bright and your pants are red, a godly power lies with in you. Within the blood of your womanhood. A prophesy was made long ago, that she who holds the power to create the first Cliteran Vampire shall rule over all.

ELIZABETHIf the prophesy of which you speak holds true, dare I dream I may finally surpass the Kings excrements in our social hierarchy?

MURIELIndeed, you shall be the greatest queen the kingdom has ever seen. In turning him, you have taken the first step. You will rise with him at your side, and save our people.

Muriel elapses into a fit of coughs, then appears to die.

ELIZABETH(sobbing)

No! This cannot be! How? (shakes her moms limp body)

Tell me how?

Muriel briefly comes back to life, opens her eyes real wide.

MURIELStimulate clits.

She dies. Elizabeth sobs over her mothers dead body.

5.

EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - SUNRISE

Elizabeth stands on the edge of the massive castle grounds, furiously digging her mothers grave. She looks up at the massive castle and sighs as she continues to dig.

ELIZABETH (V.O.)Dearest Diary. Although I cannot write, it is my hope that one day these small circles and squiggles will be deciphered so future generations can know the struggle of living under tyranny of the all powerful Cliteran Empire. My mother has made it apparent it is my destiny to save us all, for outside these walls, the people live in squalor. Famine sweeps the land.

EXT. DARKENED ALLEY WAY - DAY

Two dilapidated buildings create an alley where VILLAGERS sit against the walls, moaning.

A RAT scampers by and an emaciated MAN sitting grabs it and bites down, relishing in the taste. PEOPLE crowd around him, a PROSTITUTE crawls to his feet.

PROSTITUTE Please just one bite. Taste for a taste.

She starts grabbing at his loin cloth, ready to give head.

MAN WITH RATGet away! I already sold my ballsfor a roof.

He looks at his house, his roof is two large palm trees held up by sticks. An OLD MAN approaches.

OLD MANI see youre missing some teeth.

He pulls two of his out.

OLD MAN (CONTD)Perhaps we can make a trade?

ELIZABETH (V.O.)They are in a constant state of war.

6.

EXT. BATTLE FIELD - DAY

SOLDIERS dressed in uniform charge at the broken down Cliteran ARMY. They hold heavy shields and run at the people with spears.

The Cliteran Army have no weapons, many run away from the charging army.

A MAN with a spear runs at a SOLDIER who uses a baby as a shield. The baby gets stabbed.

CLITERAN SOLDIER(looking at his baby, wipes away a tear)

Ill never forget your bravery.

The man then uses his spear with the baby still on it to kill the soldier.

EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS

Elizabeth has finished burying her mother. She writes a series of circles and stick figures in the dirt with a stick. Another MAID approaches.

MAIDMaid Weinstein the Prince is threatening to kill himself if you do not come see him.

ELIZABETHTypical.

INT. PRINCES BED CHAMBER - DAY

The Prince stares pensively out the window, Elizabeth enters.

He turns around, hes got what appears to be leprosy on his face. His dressing gown is stained brown.

PRINCE RALPHOh thank god. My love. Forgive me for the slaughter of your mother.

ELIZABETHTis alright, twas how she wanted it.

PRINCE RALPHIm a monster.

7.

ELIZABETHYoure a hero. A hero who has been called to action.

He steps out into the light and shits himself. It splats on the ground from his dressing gown. He retreats back into the shadows.

PRINCE RALPHThats happened to me three times today! And I havent even eaten anything.

ELIZABETHOh my. Just know that even if you have not control over your bowels, you are in control of my heart.

PRINCE RALPHThat does not help the fact that every part of my skin aches. My genitals are on fire! Why has God forsaken me in this way?

ELIZABETHWhy dont we get you cleaned up, and Ill go fetch some semen of the horse. That usually works on skin and genital related ailments.

PRINCE RALPHThank you my dear maid. Oh no. Ive just remembered something I had previously forgot.

ELIZABETHTis usually what happens when you remember.

PRINCE RALPHI am needed to meet my father for our session with his most trusted advisors!

ELIZABETHPerhaps that would be a good time to mention you wish to take me as a wife.

PRINCE RALPH(hearty laugh)

Oh thank you my love, I was in need of a good joke today.

8.

ELIZABETHHow dare you laugh at me! I do not jest. I have created you!

PRINCE RALPHYou, you did this to me?!

He rushes towards her angrily and seizes her by the hair. He shits himself again now that hes in the sunlight.

PRINCE RALPH (CONTD)I should have you beheaded!

ELIZABETHBut you shant.

PRINCE RALPHWhy is that?

ELIZABETHBecause I know what you are. A vampire. A Cliteran vampire. And I am the only one who can save you from yourself.

She takes the blood covered rag from her pants and smears it on his face. His leprosy disappears.

PRINCE RALPHYou may have healed my skin, but you have still broken my heart.

ELIZABETHI did not do this by choice. But now that it is done, we shall rule together and rescue the kingdom from the tyranny of your father.

PRINCE RALPHBecause of you I will be killed before I have a chance at the throne, let alone Scotland, the kingdom I have always dreamed of ruling! You have stolen my dreams!

ELIZABETHTogether we can rule over Scotland and all the other lands you desire. I see not how I have stolen your dreams when Ive given you a gift greater than any man.

9.

PRINCE RALPHYou know what my father does at the slightest inkling of magic? Any baby bore with less than six hairs on its head is killed because he suspects them of being witches!

ELIZABETHHas he ever said why it is six my prince?

PRINCE RALPHHe knows not how to count to seven. Now, if you can figure out a way to hide this from the world, to allow me into the sunlight I shall consider defying my father and making you my queen. Otherwise I will be sure you die at my side. Now go fetch me some horse semen. Theres blood in my urine.

INT. MAIDS QUARTERS - NIGHT

Elizabeth lies in a sparse room in cot with other MAIDS, she holds a wooden cross as she sleeps. In her sleep she grabs a knife from her beside.

INT. CHURCH - NIGHT (ELIZABETHS DREAM)

Elizabeth kneels praying desperately at the altar. Muriels ghost flies around before her.

ELIZABETHMother, tell me what to do. We both will be killed if I cannot help him!

MURIELWhiddle wood my child. Whiddle your heart away.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE PRINCES ROOM - DAY

Elizabeth rushes up to the princes door excitedly, holding something. She pauses when she hears a womanly voice inside.

WOMANLY VOICE (O.S.)Your hands are quite soft my prince. I have never felt such excitement.

10.

INT. PRINCES BED CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS

Elizabeths excitement turns to anger as she storms in. The curtains to his bed are drawn.

PRINCE RALPH (O.C.)Has no one heard of knocking?!

ELIZABETH(tearfully)

You couldnt wait but one day before falling into the arms of another - !

She pulls back the curtain to the bed and sees the prince drinking blood from a bald OLD MANS neck. He looks up from drinking.

PRINCE RALPHOh thank moon god, its just you.

ELIZABETHI know not why but this seems a bit queer.

PRINCE RALPHOrdinarily I would never have the strength to overpower such a man!

ELIZABETHIndeedeth. Well. You are no longer a man. You are a vampire. And I have something for you.

She reveals in her hand a necklace with a charm.

CLOSE ON CHARM: Its a wee wooden penis.

ELIZABETH (CONTD)With this around your neck you can go into the sun!

He tosses the executioner aside, leaps out of bed excitedly and puts on the necklace.

The old man lays back holding his neck that spurts blood. The prince walks to his window and throws open the drapes.

PRINCE RALPHDiarrhea be gone!

He wipes the blood off his mouth and passionately makes out with Elizabeth.

11.

EXECUTIONER (O.C.)Dont mind me. Ill just bleed out slowly then.

The prince pulls back from the kiss and gazes into her eyes.

PRINCE RALPHI wish this moment could last forever.

Suddenly he steps away from her, crouches over in pain.

RALPHBut whilst my mind tells me one thing, my body tells me I could never make the woman who damned my genitals to hell my queen!

ELIZABETHMy mother came to me in a dream last night.

RALPHDid she speak of a cure?

INT. CHURCH - NIGHT (DREAM FLASHBACK)

Elizabeth continues to pray desperately to her mother.

ELIZABETHMother, no amount of horse semen in the world can cure him! We are doomed! How can I ensure you have not died in vain?

MURIELBang.

BACK TO SCENE

Elizabeth nods and starts to remove his bloody dressing gown, then stops suddenly.

ELIZABETHBut first, you must go to your father and tell him of our plans to be wed.

PRINCE RALPHDamn you. You know I cannot think straight when my taint is bent.

12.

ELIZABETHI shall wait here.

PRINCE RALPHNo, he must hear it from both of us. He wished me to meet with him about something a moon shade ago.

INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY

KING PHILLIP, 70s, wears a crown, sits lazily in a giant throne of wings from lots of different birds. He pets two TINY FURRY DOGS evilly.

Elizabeth and Prince Ralph approach.

KING PHILLIPSon, there you are. You know how I feel about lateness.

PRINCE RALPHI know not.

KING PHILLIPOh. I dislike it. What are you doing with this filth?

ELIZABETHMy name is Maid Weinstien, and I am to be his new wife.

KING PHILLIP(loud laughter)

I did not know minions were capable of humor. Good one.

PRINCE RALPHWe are serious.

The king falls out of the throne from laughing so hard.

KING PHILLIPPlease, stop or I may have to make her our new court jester.

PRINCESS AVOCADO, who is literally just an avocado with eyes, lips, and arms with white gloves, waddles into the room. The king gets back on his throne.

KING PHILLIP (CONTD)Ah, Ralphy boy, meet Princessa Avocado of Scotland.

13.

PRINCE RALPHTis a pleasure. It has always been my dream to rule over a land as beautiful as yours.

KING PHILLIPExcellent. She is to be your new wife. Your marriage shall unite our kingdoms and Scotland will be yours.

PRINCESSA AVOCAT(looking at Ralphs crouch)

Tis my honor to set eyes on such a lovely taint.

ELIZABETHHes wearing garments!

PRINCESSA AVOCATClothes cannot cover beauty.

ELIZABETHThe logic of your words fail me. Also, unfortunately the Prince is already betrothed, so perhaps you ought return from whence you came.

PRINCE RALPHI can speak for myself. Father, I do not know why you have brought this to my attention. Maid Weinstein is to be my new wife.

KING PHILLIPHave you gone as mad as your brother? Whom shall you choose to wed, a princess who can give you a kingdom or a maid whos face is unfit to be my chamber pot?

ELIZABETH My face would be the best chamber pot you have ever used!

END OF ACT

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

14.

ACT TWO

INT. THRONE ROOM - NIGHT

Prince Ralph stands before the king, looking back and forth between his father and Elizabeth. His father continues to stroke his tiny dogs, THREE DEAD BODIES lay next to the throne.

KING PHILLIPMy son Ive killed three slaves out of boredom waiting for you to make your decision.

PRINCE RALPHAll right! I shall take Princessa Avocado to be my wife.

ELIZABETHIf you are choosing power over love tis possible I never knew you at all.

KING PHILLIP Power runs in the Clitowskis veins. Something a chambersmut such as yourself could never understand.

QUEEN CLITERA, regal, 40s, wears a stuffed dead owl as a crown and holds another live OWL in her hand, enters.

QUEEN CLITERAPrincessa Avocado, please, accept Sparkles here as a gift

(gesturing to the owl)to send word to your father that the wedding is to take place in a fortnight.

She sets the owl down and it hops over to Avocat.

PRINCESS AVOCATWhy how lovely. May I ask why he has no wings?

QUEEN CLITERAI had all the wings of our carrier owls removed, they are far cuter this way.

15.

PRINCESS AVOCATIndeed, thank you my queen.

(picks up the owl)I shall tell it all of my secrets.

QUEEN CLITERA(to Elizabeth)

Shouldnt you be off urinating on my sheets? They arent going to wash themselves. And the owlery needs cleaning as well.

ELIZABETHYes of course.

INT. MAID QUARTERS - NIGHT

Elizabeth lies sleeping in bed, tossing and turning.

INT. CHURCH - NIGHT (ELIZABETHS DREAM)

Elizabeth enters the church, looking around for her mother. She hears moaning from the church confession booths.

ELIZABETHMother? Mother where are you!

MURIEL (O.S.)(talking with mouth full)

Just one moment my child!

Muriel exits the confession booth and flies to the altar. A HEADLESS GHOST PRIEST, 20s, hot, holds his head and flies towards the exit.

GHOST PRIESTUntil next time my sweet!

He exits. Elizabeth walks to the altar Muriel swoops around.

ELIZABETHMother? Was that the high Priest the king had beheaded last year?

MURIELI have needs my child. I am but a titillated ghost, seeking fulfillment where ever I can.

ELIZABETHWhat about father? Doesnt he roam the spirit world?

16.

MURIELYou never met your father but I assure you, he was quite unattractive. Now how may I help you on your journey?

ELIZABETHOh mother, its all falling apart. The prince chose Scotland over me! How can I compete with that? I cannot save the kingdom if he has that powerful wench at his side.

MURIELDo you still love him?

ELIZABETHNo. Yes. I know not.

MURIELWhat do you know?

ELIZABETHRage.

MURIELThen use it. Use it to gain back his respect. You are the most important thing to him, even if he forgets it at times. Remind him. Do not hold back. Use his blood lust against him.

ELIZABETHBut what if he grows to resent me?

MURIELHe knows better than to bite the vag that feeds.

INT. PRINCES BED CHAMBER - DAY

The Prince stands staring out of his window pensively, Elizabeth enters holding the kings puppies.

ELIZABETHI brought you lunch.

She puts the dogs down and they run to the prince and start whining for him to pet them.

17.

PRINCE RALPH My fathers most trusted advisors? He would be nothing without them. I sense you are angry with me. Scotland will bring our peace in the kingdoms.

ELIZABETHI know you do not love her like you do me! For once can you follow your heart and genitals? Peace cannot exist so long as your father pulls the strings. You are nothing more than his puppet!

PRINCE RALPHYou are in no position to speak to me this way! The King and Queen probably would have had you killed if you came between this marriage. Now come, let us not fight. You know my genitals become inflamed at sunrise if I do not have a lover.

ELIZABETHI care not. You have hurt me. Enjoy your lunch.

She walks away dramatically and slams the door, the Prince picks up the puppies and they lick his face.

PRINCE RALPHFine! Best get back to your duties, my mother said you have yet to clean the owlrey!

(looking at the puppies)How strange, to drain life from a human brings me perverse joy, but even I am powerless before your cuteness.

INT. CASTLE MAIL OWLERY TOWER - DAY

Elizabeth draws squiggles and lines on the stone wall of the *closet with a rock in a room filled with wingless owls hooting.

ELIZABETH (V.O.)Oh slab of stone, it feels like you are my only friend. The only one who truly understands me. I am at a loss for I cannot give him what she can.

(MORE)

Blue (mm/dd/yyyy) 18.

If only an opportunity for my love to choose me could present itself.

She grabs a broom out of a closet. As she is about to leave, she sees Princessa Avocat enter the room with Sparkles.

She struggles to move the large stone doorway into the front of the closet to hide, but it wont budge. She settles for hiding inside the corner of the closet, out of sight.

PRINCESS AVOCADO(to Sparkles)

Tis quite important you deliver this in a timely fashion.

Avocado takes out a quill and parchment. Begins to write.

PRINCESS AVOCATDearest father, All is going according to plan. Before the end of tonight, King Phillip will be poisoned with the essence of Abadas second asshole. And once we have completed our vows, I shall off the Prince during the ceremonial shot of urine, and I shall be Queen.

She attaches the scroll to Sparkles. She throws the owl up to fly out the small tower window- it falls pathetically and waddles out the door.

BEHIND THE DOOR

Elizabeth cowers out of sight. The stone doorway to the closet Elizabeth was trying to push finally gives way and closes, rolling over her toe. She cries out in pain.

PRINCESS AVOCATWhos there? Show yourself.

ELIZABETH I cannot.

PRINCESS AVOCATWhy?

ELIZABETHEr- I am the stone God. God of stones and closets and the like. I do not posses human form although my voice may sound as such.

ELIZABETH (V.O.) (CONT'D)

19.

PRINCESS AVOCATI shant believe you... a true Stone God fears owls and all that they stand for.

Princess Avocado moves the stone away.

ELIZABETHWell er- I believe tis best to confront ones fears.

Avocado moves the stone so Elizabeth is almost in her view.

ELIZABETH (V.O.)Damn you slab of stone! Even you betray me.

Elizabeth exits the closet.

PRINCESS AVOCAT Ahah! My betrotheds mistress! How much of my conversation with Sparkles did you overhear?

ELIZABETHNone me lady, I am deaf.

PRINCESS AVOCATThen how are we speaking?

ELIZABETHTis a miracle! Now I can hear.

PRINCESS AVOCATI care not- no one will believe the Princes whore over me!

ELIZABETHContinue to tell yourself that and you shall be executed in a fortnight.

PRINCESS AVOCATPerhaps I should just kill you myself! Do not be fooled by these gloves, they cover my bird claws.

Avocado starts to remove her gloves, Elizabeth runs for the exit. Avocado chases after her.

20.

INT. MAID LAUNDRY CHAMBER - DAY

Elizabeth runs into the room, where THREE MAIDS each have a large basin next to them and share a large jug of water. They each piss in the basin and use their pee to wash the sheets, chugging water when they run out.

Elizabeth quickly joins them by peeing on the sheets, Avocado enters the room.

ELIZABETH (innocently)

Can I help you my dear princessa?

PRINCESS AVOCATYou cannot fool me! You were just in the owlery.

(looks to other maids)Did she not just not arrive?

Elizabeth furiously shakes her head no at the maids.

MAIDErm, no.

PRINCESS AVOCATSo she did?!

MAID TWOYes?

MAID THREEYour phrasing confuses me.

PRINCESS AVOCATMe as well.

(to Elizabeth)But I will discredit you as surely as the sun shines on an Abadas second asshole.

She exits.Elizabeth points to the jug next to Maid Two.

ELIZABETH May I have that?

Maid Two hands her the jug. Elizabeth takes a sip, then spits it out in disgust.

ELIZABETH (CONTD)Ugh, what is that?

MAID TWOIts pee. It makes you pee more.

21.

MAID THREEYou can be quite daft sometimes.

Maids Two takes the jug from Elizabeth and drinks, then passes it to Maid Three who does the same.

ELIZABETHScience never ceases to amaze me.

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT

Princess Avocado strokes a MINI UNICORN. She feeds it carrots until the unicorn starts to fart sparkles out of its 2nd asshole. (located right above its tail) Avocado takes out a glass vial and scrambles to gather the sparkles in it.

A FROG hops by and some of the sparkle farts fall into its outstretched tongue. The frog explodes upon impact.

INT. KINGS CHAMBERS - NIGHT - LATER

Elizabeth runs into the Kings chambers, she finds Avocat and King Phillip banging on the love seat at the edge of his bed. Because she is an Avocado, she kind of just moves up and down on the kings lap.

ELIZABETHMy King - oh dear. A murder plot I could at least understand but this, this just seems unnecessary.

They stop banging.

KING PHILLIPWhats this about murder?

ELIZABETHShe is planning to kill you!

KING PHILLIPNo one who has tasted my taint could ever betray me! How dare you interrupt a meeting of er- wedding plans.

PRINCESS AVOCATIf I may, my future king, I believe this wench is planning to kill you and knew she would be blamed. Yet another pathetic attempt at trying to win back her prince.

22.

ELIZABETHI can prove it! I overheard her in the owlery, she was planning to sprinkle Abadas second asshole essence on your bedsheets!

PRINCESS AVOCAT(laughs)

Of course. And how would I acquire such an object? I detest magic in all forms, and I prefer to slay my enemies so I can watch them die.

KING PHILLIP You are going to make a great queen someday.

Elizabeth goes over to the Kings bed and flips over his sheets and massive pillows to reveal they are covered in sparkles.

ELIZABETHSee?! If you were to lay in this you would die a slow and painful death! Abadas are native unicorns to Scotland.

PRINCESS AVOCATIt is she who is the traitor - for we did indeed run into each other in the maids chambers, where I was going to offer her my condolences on losing her prince. It is there that I saw her preparing the sheets for your bed tonight. I have a maid who can attest that she found the horrid substance in Elizabeths possession. Maid Two!

Maid Three, moves out from behind a curtain to the kings window. She has FRESH SCARS all over her face, from Avocados talons.

KING PHILLIP(to Avocat)

I did not realize we had other company?

PRINCESS AVOCATI cannot have intercourse without someone watching, twould be a waste of intercourse. Maid two gallantly agreed.

23.

KING PHILLIPYour logic is quite logical.

MAID THREEMy name is actually Maid Three me lady. But indeed, it was Maid Weinstien whom I saw preparing your bed this evening. And, and-

She pauses, Princess Avocat mimes clawing her face slowly with her white glove.

MAID THREE (CONTD)- found the horrid substance in her possession.

PRINCESS AVOCATThere you have it my king! She is a traitor! She should be killed at once!

KING PHILLIPNay, sadly that cannot be so. I made a solemn oath she would not die so long as you are my sons betrothed. And I am nothing without family loyalty.

(he gestures to his dick)But Im sorry did I say you could stop?

She resumes giving him a handy with her white gloves.

KING PHILLIP (CONTD)We shall have her locked up with Bart in the tower! Maid two, take her outside and call the guards!

MAID THREETis Maid Three sir. But yes, right away.

INT. TOWER DUNGEON - NIGHT

Elizabeth is locked up by a GUARD behind bars. Across from her is BARTHOLEMEW CLITOWSKI, he sits in his wheelchair of TWO SLAVES. He rattles their chains, BACK SLAVE smiles widely at Elizabeth, hes hot.

BARTHOLOMEWYayyyy! Barty has a new friendy friend!

24.

ELIZABETHI cannot imagine a worse situation than this.

BOTTOM SLAVEOh my god I think hes got a hard on.

BARTHOLOMEWYayyyyy!

BOTTOM SLAVEIts digging into my back! Wait, theres another! I thought invalids having two penises was only a myth.

BACK SLAVE It is, the second one is mine.

ELIZABETH (V.O.)Of course. I never had a great imagination to begin with. Woe is me.

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

25.

ACT THREE

INT. TOWER DUNGEON - NIGHT

As Elizabeth draws squiggles in the dirt floor of her dungeon room, on the other side of the bars Bartholemews slave chairs walk him towards her to get a better look.

ELIZABETH (V.O.)Dearest Diary, I am the only thing that comes between my Prince and his untimely death. I cannot deny I have wished it upon him at times, but I know deep down in the pit of his anus he loves me, and I him. He holds the keys to my chance at the throne, but sadly not the keys to my escape.

ELIZABETH Do either of you know of an escape?

BOTTOM SLAVEEscape? Never! Serving the crown by being chained to my brothers ass as a retards chair is an honor beyond my wildest dreams.

BACK SLAVEI used to dream of masturbation. Now that we are on the subject, may I ask what a lady as beautiful as yourself has done to earn such a scene?

ELIZABETHI was wrongfully accused. And if I cannot escape Prince Ralph will be killed at his wedding tomorrow.

BARTHOLOMEWPrince Ralphy? Barty loves brother Ralphy!

ELIZABETHBrother?

26.

BACK SLAVETwas a sad story indeed. Dear Bartholomew here and Ralph were twins, although it appears Ralph inherited the beauty and Bartholomew was left with the brains. The king believes a witch put a curse on Bart, tis why he hates magic so.

ELIZABETHBut surely Prince Ralph would want his brother in attendance at the wedding tomorrow?

BACK SLAVEIndeed.

ELIZABETHI must get there. Will you help me?

BACK SLAVEWhy should I?

ELIZABETHBecause, I, I love you. You do things to my heart and nether regions no man has done before.

BACK SLAVEWhat things are those?

ELIZABETHYou know it in your soul. Now, you must make a choice. True love or a brother who is in love with a tard.

Bottom slave pays no attention to them as he stares lovingly up at Bart who is asleep and drooling. Drops of drool fall into his open palm, he holds them tightly.

BACK SLAVEMy soul rarely speaks to me, but other parts do.

Back Slave walks them over to Barts bed and rips one of Barts metal bedposts off the frame.

BACK SLAVE (CONTD)I do apologize, but semen is thicker than blood.

27.

Back Slave stabs Bottom Slave several times in the shoulder, he falls to the floor dead.

ELIZABETHI knew we were meant to be.

INT. PRINCES BED CHAMBER - NIGHT

The prince paces up and down his room, the leprosy on his face has started to come back. Princess Avocado enters, his back is to her.

PRINCE RALPHMaid Weinstien?

(turns around)Oh. Tis you. Do you know where Maid Weinstien has gone?

PRINCESS AVOCATOIs she whom you wish to spend the eve before your wedding night with?

PRINCE RALPH(after long pause)

Oh. I am sorry I believed your question was rhetorical. Yes.

Princess Avocat cries, he goes over to comfort her.

PRINCE RALPH (CONTD)Tis nothing personal, I simply prefer her company. You are the one whom my father has strong armed me into marrying.

PRINCESS AVOCATOThat does comfort me. I am crying because it pains me to be the one to tell you she is a traitor to the throne. She tried to have your father murdered.

PRINCE RALPHThat is preposterous.

PRINCESS AVOCATOTis true I can assure you. You would rather spend your wedding night with a woman who attempted to murder your father? Twas lucky I saw through her plan and stopped it. Now take me. Feel my inner pit.

28.

The prince strides towards her, picks her up and throws her on the bed. Because shes an avocado she rolls off and hits his dresser, it collapses on her. She cries out in pain.

PRINCE RALPHTwo can play at that game.

He rips his wooden bed post off the frame and hits himself in the back with it, then starts to trash the rest of his room.

INT. BARTS DUNGEON ROOM- MORNING

There is a small hole dug in the dirt floor in between the bars that separated their cells, Elizabeth is in Barts room, chained to Back Slave in Bottoms place. They are both dirty from digging all night. Bart lies snoring in his bed.

ELIZABETH (V.O.)At least my mother is dead, so she would not have to see me enter the wedding that was ought for me as the bottom half of a retards chair.

Suddenly, Muriels ghost flies in through the window.

ELIZABETHMother? I thought you could only visit me in dreams!

BACK SLAVEIs someone here?

Muriel shakes her head disapprovingly at Elizabeth, then flies away.

ELIZABETH(calling after her)

But sucking off a priest is perfectly alright! At least Im alive!

A ghostly chuckle in response, Elizabeth sobs.

An OLD HUNCHBACK enters, he carries a fancy cloak and crown.

OLD HUNCHBACKTis time.

(seeing Bottoms dead body)What happened here?

29.

BACK SLAVE He is quite tired. The guard already sent for a replacement.

Blood seeps out from under the sheet that covers Bottoms body, the Hunchback shrugs.

Back Slave picks up Bart and sits him down on Elizabeth. The Old Hunchback puts the purple cloak and crown on Bart.

BARTHOLOMEWBarty looks good!

(rattles the chains)Mush slaveys mush!

They walk towards the door.

ELIZABETH (V.O.)It appears every time I think I cannot sink any lower I exceed my very own expectations.

Bartholomew shits.

EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD WEDDING CEREMONY - DAY

Hundreds of GUESTS are all gathered, the Scots seated on one side, all wearing kilts and townsfolk are seated in the back rows of the other side, wearing loincloths some attempted to fashion into bows.

In the front rows are loyalty, dressed extravagantly, wearing crowns. At the altar, Elizabeth is on all fours as Bottom Slave, they are a step below the platform, Bart holds a ring.

CAMERA ON ELIZABETH UNDERNEATH BARTS CHAIR

A red drape covers them, to appear as a chair.

EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD WEDDING ALTAR

At the altar is a giant wooden statue of KING PHILLIPS HEAD wearing a CROWN with pointy ends.

ELIZABETH (O.C.)I must discover her plan. Surely she will use poison again, alas, how can I stop Ralph from ingesting it?

30.

Prince Ralph stands at the end of the aisle in a white suit with Princess Avocado on his arm. Wedding music starts, they walk down the aisle.

They step up to the platform where the PRIEST, a man with a tattoo of an eye on his forehead, stands.

PRIESTPlease repeat after me. I, Princessa Avocado of Scotland take Ralph Clitowski to be my lawfully wedded husband, Through sickness and in health. Through plague after cholera after dystery. I promise

PRINCESS AVOCATI promise-

PRIESTTo never leave his side, to pop each and every boil once he gets the plague regardless of location. To have intercourse in any and every hole he may desire.

PRINCESS AVOCATIn every hole he may desire.

PRIESTEven after his death I promise to lie beside him under ground, dead or alive so I may suffocate slowly and painfully to rest with him for eternity. I now pronounce you husband and wife!

They kiss and everyone claps.

PRIEST (CONTD)Now the ring bearer shall bring the ceremonial shot of each others fluids. Do we have the dead doves?

A MIDGET approaches and holds up two dead doves with open mouths to drink out of. Avocado and Ralph take their respective dead doves, about to drink.

ELIZABETH (O.C.)Of course!

Elizabeth rapidly crawls up to the platform where they are, Bart falls off the chair and cries.

31.

Unprepared for her sudden move, Back Slave falls on the giant statue of King Phillip, his head separates from his body as it lands on one of the spikes on the crown of the statue. The headless body falls and lands directly in front of the priest.

Everyone gasps as Elizabeth struggles to untangle herself from the cloak, chained to the headless body, she cant stand up at looks at Avocato and Ralph on all fours.

PRINCESS AVOCATO Ah the traitor! She has come to ruin the wedding! Come now, let us drink and be merry for nothing can stop our love!

ELIZABETHYou cannot, its poisoned!

Princess Avocado drinks hers, shes fine.

PRINCESS AVOCADOSee, your fluids are invigorating my love. Have mine.

As hes about to drink, Elizabeth leaps towards him and rips off his penis necklace. He immediately has terrible diarrhea in his pants.

ELIZABETHYou will thank me for this one day!

PRINCESS AVOCADORalph? My dear husband can you explain your uncontrollable bowels?

PRINCE RALPHI, um, well-

ELIZABETHWedding jitters manifest themselves in mysterious ways. Tis only human.

PRINCE RALPH(under his breath to Elizabeth)

I will never forgive you for this. (loud so everyone can hear)

Please excuse me, sometimes when I cannot control my excitement I also lose control of my bowels.

32.

ELIZABETHHave someone do a taste test! I can prove its poisoned!

PRINCESS AVOCATONot even the heartiest of slaves is fit to drink my pee!

PRIESTThen I shall do it.

He grabs the dove from Prince Ralph and drinks. Nothing.

PRIEST (CONTD)See? Twas nothing but a harmless shot of pee -

He explodes. The wedding is in pandemonium. All the GUESTS scream.

ELIZABETHI told you she poisoned it!

PRINCESS AVOCADONonsense! My primary lady in waiting prepared my dove, Maid Two, come here at once!

Maid Three walks up from the audience to the altar, she has even more scratches on her face than before. She kneels before Avocado.

MAID THREEYes princess I did it, please just kill me already!

PRINCE RALPH Maid Weinstien how can we ever repay you?

ELIZABETHWell -

PRINCESS AVOCADO Yes, thank you so much for saving my Prince! As a reward I shall make you my new primary hand maiden, obviously not all help can accept such a high honor.

She glances at Maid Two, who cries and begs for death.

ELIZABETHI had something else in mind -

33.

PRINCESS AVOCATODare you turn down my gift?

ELIZABETHI, no of, of course I accept.

PRINCE RALPHDear sweet maid, you have saved my life. I am forever in your debt.

ELIZABETHIn that case -

PRINCE RALPHTwas good of Avocato to repay that for me.

ELIZABETH (V.O.)Woe is me.

EXT. WEDDING RECEPTION - LATER

Every one at the wedding does some awkward Irish step dance on the dance floor, Elizabeth is unchained from the dead back slave. She sits sullenly at Avocados side at the royal table at the head of the reception.

PRINCESS AVOCATO(whispers to Elizabeth)

You may have foiled my plot today, but I will kill them all and become queen.

ELIZABETHI will never let that happen.

PRINCESS AVOCATOOh, you wont be around for much longer.

ELIZABETHAm I going somewhere?

PRINCESS AVOCATOYes. Straight to the fiery pits of Hades asshole.

(so everyone can hear)May I have some more wine my new best friend?

Elizabeth pours wine and talks through her teeth.

34.

ELIZABETHI will reveal you for the traitorous wench you are, then send the smattered bits of your body to your father in a cake that he will eat, throw up, then eat it again. You may be married to him by law, but it is I he loves. And our love is stronger than any murder plot you may have. I will be there at every turn to stop whatever evil you plan next.

Avocado turns to Ralph who sits next to her, Elizabeth gets up and appears in between them.

ELIZABETH (CONTD)(whispers in Avocados ear)

Every single turn.

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

35.

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

(CONTD)

36.