Welcome toCrucial/Critical ConversationsPresented by: Christina Corson

Introductions

Definitions:• Communication: The act or process of communicating. The imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.• Conversation: The informal interchange of

thoughts, information, etc., by spoken words; oral communication between persons by talking.

• Crucial/Critical Conversations: These are conversations that happen when the risks are high, emotions run deep, and opinions differ.

• Dialogue: The free flow of meaning between two or more people.

Tools of Communication

Verbal• Talking• Shouting• Whispering• Written

Non-Verbal• Eye contact• Facial expressions• Body language• Face to face

Why would we want to improve on communication?• If two people can come together and discuss a

problem or situation without letting their emotions take control, they have an opportunity to produce a better way of doing something and furthermore bond during the process.

“You can have brilliant ideas, but if you can't get them across, your ideas won't get you anywhere”.— Lee Iacocca

What can happen when we are faced with a crucial/critical conversation?

• We can avoid them all together (lose).• Face them and get too emotional and lose your

point in your emotions (lose again). • Face them and get our point across affectively

(win).

Examples of crucial/critical conversations:• Talking with a coworker

who has offended you.• Talking with a coworker

who isn’t following protocol.

• Talking with a team member who isn’t keeping their word or contributing enough to the team.

• Talking with a patient or a patients family about an unfavorable test result.

The power of “we”.

• Me: One opinion or feeling.• You: Different opinion or feeling.• Goal: Create a shared opinion or feeling. When

this happens the groups IQ is expanded with more ideas and information.

• With more ideas you can collectively make better and more informed decisions.

• When the decision is shared, people are more willing to act on whatever decision is made. They have ownership.

Look in the Mirror• Usually when faced with a failing conversation, we

blame others.

• If everyone else weren’t so wrong, I wouldn’t have to resort to such behavior.

• But the fact remains the only person we can change, inspire, prod and shape with any success is ourselves….the one in the mirror.

• We can’t control what others do or say; we only have direct control of ourselves.

• Practice dialogue and you will become skilled at dialogue.

Start with your heart• Begin high-risk discussions with the right motives

and remain focused.

Stay focused on your goal.• When you find yourself moving toward silence or

negative behavior during a conversation, STOP and remember your motives.

1. Ask yourself: “What does my behavior say about what my motives are?”

2. Clarify what you really want. “What do I want for myself, others, the organization?”

3. In conclusion ask: “How would I behave if this is what I really wanted?”

Your SIDE, Their SIDE, and the THIRD OPTION!

• Usually when two people are on opposing sides they can’t seem to find any middle ground.

• Sometimes, each side is so stuck on their way that they miss out on a possible great solution because they are so emotional.

• Try to resist becoming caught in a situations where both options are bad.

• The worst of either/or thinking.

There can be a third option:

• Clarify what you want.• Add it to what you don’t want.• Think about third options to bring you to dialogue.

People react in either two ways when faced with conflict. How do you react?

1. Silence• Withhold meaning from the conversation.• People who react like this do this in fear of

potential problems.• People do this by completely avoiding the

person.• They mask by selecting showing our true

opinions.• They withdraw by exiting the conversation

or exiting the room.

2. Aggression

• This verbal strategy attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view.

• Controlling is done by forcing ones views on others by dominating the conversation (cutting others off, changing the subject, speaking in absolutes).

• Labeling is done by putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category.

• Attacking is done by belittling or threatening.

CLUES• Learn to observe how you are reacting.• Learn how to observe how others are reacting

during a conversation.• This will give you clues as how to better respond

during a crucial conversation.

Make It Safe to Talk about Almost Anything.• Watch for signs that mutual purpose is at risk.

We end up in debate, defensiveness, hidden agendas, accusations, and circling back to the same topic.

Questions to help determine when mutual purpose is at risk:

• Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?

• Do they trust my motives?

• Remember, the key to succeed in crucial conversations:

We must really care about the interests of others– not just our own.• The purpose has to be truly mutual.• If your goal is to manipulate, it will quickly be

picked up on and safety will be destroyed and we will resort back to silence or aggression.

Ask your self the HEART Questions• What do I want for myself?• What do I want for others?• What do I want for the relationship?

• Look for the mutual ground here.

Mutual Purpose

• Did a friend ever give you difficult feedback and you didn’t get defensive?

• You trusted that what your friend was telling you was coming from a good place.

• When conversations like these turn ugly it is because the person receiving the information believes it is coming from a malicious place.

• Mutual purpose is when others believe that we are working toward the same goal and that we care and respect them.

Mutual Respect• Mutual respect is the continuing condition of

dialogue.• If people perceive that they don’t have respect

they conversation coming to a screeching halt.• It then becomes about dignity.• Signs that respect has been violated; people get

emotional by pouting, name-calling, yelling, and making threats.

What To Do Once You Put Mutual Respect or Purpose At Risk. It happens!

• Apologize• Contrast• C.R.I.B.

Apologize When Appropriate• When you have made a mistake and you hurt

someone's feelings you should start with an apology.

• Be sincere.• Sometimes you have to give up saving face, being

right, or winning in order to focus on what you really want.

Contrast to fix Misunderstanding

• Even with the best of intentions we can offend someone.

• Step out of the argument and rebuild safety by using a skill called Contrasting.

• Contrasting is a don’t/do statement that:• Addresses the other’s concerns that you don’t respect

them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part). • Confirms your respect and clarifies your real purpose (the

do part).

Example: Rebekah talking to her boss“The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I don’t value this job or that I don’t think it is important to be on time for work. (the don’t part). “I want to be here on time” the do part).*Now you can explain what happened and what you are planning to do.

C.R.I.B. to Get to Mutual Purpose

Sometimes there isn’t a misunderstanding but a difference in opinions.

• Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose.• Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy.• Invent a Mutual Purpose.• Brainstorm New Strategies.

Commit to Seek a Mutual Purpose• Make a commitment to stay in the conversation

until you come up with something that serves everyone.

Rebekah and her boss“What I am doing isn’t working, I am consistently late. However, I don’t want to continue to be late. Why don’t we work on a plan together to help me implement a way that ensures I will be on time”.

Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy

• Ask people why they want what they are pushing for.

• Tell people why you want what you are pushing for.

Example: Rebekah and her neighbor“I understand your children like to play outside, as I did too as a child, however I am a nurse that works midnights and I need to get some sleep during the day so I can perform my job.”

Invent a Mutual Purpose• If after clarifying everyone’s purposes you are still

at odds, see if you can invent a higher or longer-term purpose that is more motivating than the ones that kept you in conflict.

Rebekah and her neighbor“I don’t want to make it so the kids can’t play outside. It is far better if we can come up with a time frame where the kids can have time to play outside and a time when they can play inside so I can have some quiet time to sleep.”

Brainstorm New Strategies

• Join forces to come up with a solution that serves everyone.

Rebekah and her neighbor:“Let’s come up with something that doesn’t compromise the kids fun and my quality sleep. If I can sleep from ? To ? Then the kids can play outside from ? To ?”

Review:• Remain safe.• Watch for games.• Me and others.• Watching and building conditions.• What to do.• Start with heart.• Focus on what you want.• Learn to look.• Make it safe.• State your path.• Explore what others want and why.• Move to action.

“Communication works for those who work at it.” -John Powell

Thank you! Any questions?