Presence Essence

8/13/2019 Presence Essence

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Presence Essence

copyright © 2013 by Linda Karney

All rights reserved.



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For my beloved hsband! "ic#!

or t$o $onder%l sons

and to &od

$ho in 'is goodness

provides the 'oly (pirit

to be the tre

)Presence Essence* in the

lives o% all $ho believe.



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,hapter 1

),ome on! Annie. - #no$ yore a$a#e and - #no$ nothing is $rong $ith yo.*

/here $as a sdden sbtle shi%t in the air beside her. Annie detected the cloying scent o% cheap cologne.

'er instincts told her that someone $as standing net to her bed. (he cold almost pictre one o% the

matration center sta%%ers in those garish scrbs they $ore in place o% the pristine $hite ni%orms nrses $ore

$hen Annie $as a girl. (he %elt tempted to open her eyes to see $ho it $as. -nstead! she concentrated harder on

remaining per%ectly still.

)Annie!* the voice repeated! in a some$hat more ominos tone.

Annie still did not respond. (he sensed another slight shi%t to her right and the scent o% cologne gre$ a bit

stronger. (he cold detect the tiniest increase in $armth! almost negligible li#e body heat as i% someone had

moved closer to her or $as perhaps even leaning over her as she lay $ith her eyes closed.

/hat ploy might $or# on some o% the more gllible residents o% the center! bt not on Annie. /hey cold

try to maniplate her $ith their technology all they $anted bt she $oldnt be %ooled. 'er senses might tell

her that someone $as standing net to her bed bt intellectally she #ne$ it $as st the $or# o% the Presence

Essence machine.



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/he matration center #ept the sta%%toresident ratio lo$ in order to maintain coste%%iciency. /o give the

residents the impression that they $ere not alone! each room $as e5ipped $ith a Presence Essence device.

/he device $as monted on a stand vagely the si6e and shape o% a small $oman. Atop the torso $as a head!

o% sorts a decorative $hite globe. Annie $asnt sre i% it $as made o% glass or plastic! althogh she had o%ten

%elt it and even tapped it trying to determine the natre o% the material. -t al$ays emitted a dll! noncommittal

thd. /he top o% the globe had been decorated $ith s$irls o% bro$n paint so thic# that there $ere three

dimensional ridges mimic#ing $aves o% hair. 7n the %ront o% the globe there $ere t$o ample blac# dots at

approimately the place $here a persons eyes $old be on a %ace. /he )chee#* areas had the slightest blsh o%

rosiness. Lo$er do$n $as $hat loo#ed li#e prsed lips! as i% someone $ere $histling. -t reminded Annie o% a

blo$ %ish. 7t o% this opening the machine periodically emitted a p%% o% air tinged $ith a sic#ly s$eet!

cologneli#e scent. /he )body* o% the nit eded lo$ intensity heat. /hese three air movement! scent and

heat combined to prodce the impression that someone $as present in the room at all times.

8hile this might have com%orted some o% the less actely a$are residents! it merely annoyed Annie. 8hen

she had %irst came to the matration center she had o%ten a$o#en $ith a start thin#ing that someone had entered

the room only to discover that it $as st the e%%ects o% this trmpedp air %reshener.

)Annie! i% yo ma#e me come in there -m going to have to give yo a sedative. -s that $hat yo $ant9*

the voice badgered.

Annie had never been able to determine the sorce o% the disembodied voice. /here $as no obvios



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spea#er any$here in the tiny! almost barren room. /he sond seemed to come %rom no speci%ic area at all! as i%

the room itsel% $ere tal#ing to her. ;t she didnt imagine the room $old threaten to give her a sedative. (he

imagined it $old say something li#e! )'ello. Arent - a din#y! boring little place9*

Annie pased to consider $hat the voice actally had said. (he did not! in %act! $ant anyone to give her a

sedative. A sedative $old only propel her into the net day! another day in $hich she had no control over her

li%e or her circmstances. 8hat she really $anted $as something she #ne$ they cold never give her.

(he $anted to ptter arond her hose. (he $anted to %old $arm%romthedryer landry in the tility

room $hile loo#ing ot o% the $indo$ at the neighbors thriving garden. (he $anted to sip English ;rea#%ast

tea $ith a bit o% cream %rom her %avorite mg $ith the yello$ roses. (he $anted to $atch the %inches and $rens

gather at the bird %eeder hanging %rom the lsh apple tree in her bac#yard. (he $anted to %all asleep in her

com%ortable armchair $hile the evening ne$scast provided bac#grond noise. ;t her old li%e $as gone li#e

the hose that no longer eisted! at least it no longer eisted %or her. -t had been sold to pay her $ay into the

matration preserve.

)8hen $as the last time yo voided9* the voice as#ed.

Annie #ne$ the attendant $oldnt $ait mch longer %or her to spea#! bt she didnt $ant to get p and se

the voiding station. /he room $as cold and she $as physically more com%ortable than normal at the moment.

(he $old have to try to divert them.



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)- $ant a video monitor in my room!* she stated %orce%lly! $ithot opening her eyes.

)=o #no$ very $ell yo have to go to the recreation modle %or entertainment!* the voice replied!

sonding smgly satis%ied that it had compelled Annie to spea#.

)All they ever $atch in there is the It Sounds Like channel! )Annie complained! re%erring to a television

game sho$ based on Charades that had premiered in the late 1>:0s and had %inally petered ot st be%ore the

ne$ millennim.

)/he program choice is made by the consenss o% the residents! $hich yo also already #no$!* the voice

replied.

Annies %ace $as elderly $ith average! even %eatres. 'er s#in $as embellished by a %air 5antity o%

$rin#les and an age spot or t$o. 'er head $as srronded by a mass o% %ri66y! yello$y$hite hair. 'er eyes

sddenly popped open. /hey $ere a srprisingly dar# and vivid ble! li#e an indigo crayon. )?arion @ordan

controls $hat $e $atch (he gets ,aroline "aynor to vote $ith her by al$ays giving her her dessert. ?ost o%

the other residents dont #no$ or care $hat program is on!* Annie grmbled in annoyance. (he had never been

part o% a cli5e and it a%%ected her even no$! in the last phase o% her li%e.

)Annie! $eve gone over this many times. - cant change the rles and give yo $hat yo $ant!* the voice

replied brs5ely.



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8hat she really $anted no$! Annie reali6ed! $as to tal# to her daghter. Adrey $as her only lin# to her

old li%e! her precios! independent li%e. 'er hsband $as gone! her hose $as gone! most o% her possessions

$ere gone too not that Annie really missed them. 8hat $old she do $ith them here9 ;t Adrey #ne$ $ho

Annie really $as! or more accrately! $ho she had been be%ore she had become this remnant o% hersel%. Annie

needed to be arond Adrey to recaptre some o% that old spiritC to %eel more li#e the $hole! capable person she

sed to be.

)=or optimal intervoid period...!* the voice began.

)- $ant to tal# to my daghter!* Annie stated brs5ely! again addressing the room at large.

)=o #no$ the Family,onnections Det$or# is closed a%ter dinner! ecept %or emergencies!* the voice

admonished. /he $or#er $as clearly gro$ing tired o% Annies nreasonable re5ests.

-t seemed to Annie that the Family,onnections Det$or# $as designed to minimi6e the chance o% any

actual connection $ith %amily members. /he net$or# operated nder strict gidelines. -t $asnt available ntil

a%ter brea#%ast! it $asnt available bet$een lnch and +00 p.m. so the residents cold rest or be involved in

varios insipid recreations and it $as sht do$n %or the night once residents $ent to dinner at %ive ocloc#. -%

yo didnt thin# abot contacting yor %amily %irst thing in the morning yo $ere nli#ely to reach them dring

a given day. And i% yo did thin# abot it at the right time that meant yo $old be interrpting them dring the

shan# o% their day! $hile they $ere bsy $or#ing or ta#ing care o% yong children! $hen they $ere most eager

to brsh yo o%% and get bac# to the more rgent dties at hand.



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'er daghter Adrey! %or eample! never sonded very happy to hear %rom Annie at $or#. (he did

ho$ever visit Annie at 8interhaven every (atrday. (he re%erred to it as )their hor together!* bt a%ter abot

%orty mintes she $old become distant! say )(orry mom! or hors abot p and - have to go!* and get p and

leave! as i% Annie cold no longer tell time $ell enogh to #no$ that she $as being shortchanged. -t $as tre it

too# Adrey almost an hor to drive to 8interhaven and an hor home! bt shold that be credited as time

spent $ith her9 Adrey $as probably on her phone %or those t$o hors $ith her %amily or %riends or ta#ing care

o% some bsiness or other. Annie o%ten %elt li#e telling her daghter to st call her and tal# %or t$o hors and

not bother $ith the visit. ;t Adrey al$ays broght her some sgar%ree chocolate! and Annie coldnt %orgo a

chance to get some candy. -t $as abot the only sensory pleasre she had le%t.

)Annie!* the disembodied voice resmed! startling Annie. (he had hoped the impatient $or#er had already

trned their attention to some other $rin#le%aced resident $hose visage had popped p on their monitor de to

the promptings o% some errant reading on a health monitor. )8hen $as the last time yo voided9* the voice

persisted.

)-t coldnt have been very long ago!* Annie replied lightly! $ishing sincerely that the $or#er would move

on. 'er toes $ere practically $arm! a sensation they rarely enoyed and $hich $old be rined i% she had to

etract them %rom nder her thin blan#ets.

)Annie! yo #no$ $eve determined the optimal daytime intervoid period %or yo is t$o hors seventeen

mintes!* the voice advised. )/he data sho$s its been t$o hors forty-three mintes since yor last void.



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Please go to the voiding station no$.*

Annie $old have arged bt she #ne$ ho$ irritated they became i% there $as a voiding incident. (he had

had more than a %e$ o% them be%ore they had come p $ith her optimal intervoid period. (he raised hersel%

a$#$ardly into a sitting position and leaned heavily on her right hand as she pivoted her legs over the side o%

the bed. (he $ore a go$n provided by the instittion. /he beige %abric had once sported some type o% pattern

that had %aded so badly it $as almost indistingishable de to repeated $ashings in some po$er%l detergent.

/here $ere r%%les at both the $rists and collar to provide some modicm o% style. Annie had $hat loo#ed li#e

pin# soc#s on her %eet that $ent hal%$ay p her calves. 8hen her %eet toched the %loor! the bottoms o% the

)soc#s* sti%%ened into a harder! rbberli#e ridged sr%ace to provide traction on the smooth gray %loor.

As she stood and started to $al#! Annie $as a$are st ho$ ric#ety she mst loo#. (he had ta#en an

Epressive ?ovement class in gym dring her nior year o% high school. (he remembered ho$ she had glided

e%%ortlessly across the %loor then! her body responding %lidly to her $ishes. ;t no$ her every step $as as

a$#$ard as i% she $ere navigating an icy side$al# a%ter having a %e$ drin#s too many! and even that type o%

movement re5ired strict concentration on her part.

/he voiding station $as only a %e$ steps a$ay against the opposite $all in that tiny room! everything

$as $ithin a %e$ steps. Annie pressed a large gray btton and a hoop came ot o% the $all. (spended %rom the

hoop $as a $hite semitransparent bag. Annie trned arond and toched the atoadsting $aistband o% her

nder$ear. /he nder$ear responded by peeling p %rom the crotch area to$ard her $aist! creating an odd

sensation. Annie imagined it mst be ho$ a banana $old %eel i% someone managed to pll bac# its yello$ s#in



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in all directions at once. 8hen she $as done she $old toch the $aistband again and the sections o% cloth

$old reattach themselves throgh some process Annie coldnt begin to nderstand. 8hen this happened it

cased an ncom%ortable sensation! li#e a grop o% bgs cra$ling over her s#in all at once and meeting in one

central location.

(he perched on the hoop. (he didnt trst the strength o% this device! %limsy as it appeared to be compared

to the strdy porcelain toilets she had sed %or so mch o% her li%e. /he $or#ers had assred her the voiding

station $as bilt to spport someone $eighing p to +00 ponds bt she still %elt her sitation $as precarios

every time she sat and srrendered her meager $eight to it.

(he missed the $ater as $ell. /he $ater in a toilet had al$ays given her a sense o% cleanliness. Do$

everything $ent into a %limsy loo#ing! empty bag.

7% corse there $as not a lot o% solid $aste since the sta%% had started giving igest ,omplete to the

residents.

igest ,omplete aided the bodys digestive processes so that the body $as able to tili6e most o% the %ood

consmed $hile leaving little $aste. Even in the seclded atmosphere o% the matration preserve Annie had

heard that there $as some research indicating igest ,omplete might case cancer or other serios diseases!

that the matter the hman body $as no$ digesting $ith the aid o% this compond $as actally toic to hmans

and best ecreted. ,aroline "aynors daghter had scceeded in having ,arolines doctor prohibit the center

%rom giving her igest ,omplete.



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;t $hen Annie had mentioned it to Adrey! Adrey had made light o% her %ears. )/heres al$ays

resistance to anything ne$!* she had stated. )/he government agencies all insist igest ,omplete is per%ectly

sa%e. /heyre going to start sing it in school lnch programs across the contry. /hey $oldnt do that i% they

$erent certain it $as all right. /hin# o% the savings in %ood costs*

(avings... that $as the other problem. Do$ that the centers residents $ere able to get more ntrients ot o%

smaller portions! smaller portions o% everything is $hat they got. Ecept %or ,aroline "aynor! o% corse. 'er

plates still brimmed over $ith %ood! not to mention the etra dessert she got %rom ?arion @ordan. /he %ood

served at the matration center $as not very tasty! bt Annie still resented ,arolines plenty as she sat at a

nearby table %eeling perpetally hngry.

/he sta%%ers $old give Annie a )smoothie* i% she complained. -t tasted vagely li#e peaches bt $as

mostly $ater in the %orm o% crshed ice. ;t it decreased her optimal intervoid period casing them to nag her

to se the voiding station more o%ten.

8hen Annie $as done at the voiding station a $and satrated $ith a $arm sterili6ing li5id came %rom

some$here in the $all behind her and gra6ed her private parts. /hogh intended %or hygiene it al$ays gave

Annie a gilty! 5asiseal sensation. A%ter that! throgh some process she didnt nderstand! all li5id $as

etracted ot and the bag con%ormed itsel% to the remaining contents therein and became hermetically sealed. -t

then disappeared into a receptacle in the $all $here it proceeded to the laboratory. /here the contents $ere

$eighed! analy6ed! and recorded. -t seemed li#e a serios intrsion into her privacy! this mc#ing abot $ith



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and 5anti%ying o% her ecretions. ;t by %ar the $orst intrsion $as L/(.



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,hapter 2

Annie had %oght against L/( at %irst.

-n her initial Li%evie$er /herapy (ession! Annie had tried to #eep her mind a blan#. 8hen she had reali6ed

she cold not possibly #eep that p %or a $hole hor! she had closed her eyes and conred p innocos

images in her mind.

Annie had been an interior decorator %or many years. (he pictred an empty rectanglar room in her mind

and proceeded to decorate it slowly. (he mentally pried open an old%ashioned paint can $ith a scre$driver.

/he paint inside $as an neciting shade o% blishgray. (he pictred hersel% slo$ly stirring the paint!

recogni6ing the %amiliar tetre and viscosity o% itC she had al$ays sed a 5ality onecoat paint $hich $as

thic# and heavy. (he then pic#ed p a brsh and began painting the bottom edge o% the %irst $all! moving the

brsh bac# and %orth net to the dar# $ooden baseboard $ith sre! smooth stro#es. (he didnt bother mas#ing

the room %irst even in an imaginary sitation li#e this she didnt li#e doing prep $or#. (he concentrated on

those smooth! even stro#es o% the brsh laying do$n a s$ath o% color! a 5ic# dip o% the brsh in the can!

another stro#e o% color. (he had spent so mch time per%orming st this type o% $or# that she easily $hiled

a$ay an hor st on the trim $ithot ever needing to invo#e a mental image o% a roller and tray.

(he had %elt trimphant a%ter that session! con%ident that they had %ailed to captre any o% her personal

thoghts. (he had planned a $hole series o% sch sessions. (he cold strip $allpaper! re%inish $ooden %loors!

hang crtains! bro$se %rnitre sho$rooms! select tiles! loo# at %abric s$atches. (he $old leave behind a do



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ityorsel% gide to interior decorating instead o% a personal memoir.

;t her victory had been shortlived. /he day a%ter her %irst L/( she had been smmoned to r. (trayers

o%%ice.

'is hair $as an nnatral blac#! as dar# as a permanent mar#er. 'is rhemy eyes ga6ed at her ot o% thic#

rimmed glasses! the $avy 5ality o% the thic# lenses ma#ing his ppils loo# li#e they eisted in an a5atic

environment. 'e had a agged beard that came to a point at the bottom o% his chin! dra$ing attention to the ble

bo$ tie $ith a herringbone pattern directly belo$ it.

)?rs. ,allahan! -ve st been revie$ing yor Li%evie$er session %rom yesterday!* he intoned in a lo$!

raspy voice. 'e $aved his hand and a small monitor on his des# rotated so that Annie cold see the screen %rom

her chair. An animated %igre $as bsily painting along the baseboard o% a $all. Annie had %orgotten that the

Li%evie$er not only recorded thoghts bt translated them into pictorial images. (he $ished then that she had

not #ept her eyes closed dring her entire Li%evie$er session to help her concentrate. Annie coldnt restrain a

5ic# brst o% laghter $atching the cartoonish %igre on the screen providing a visal depiction o% her act o%

de%iance.

)o yo #no$ $hat $e call this type o% behavior! ?rs. ,allahan9* r. (trayer as#ed sternly.

Annie $anted to reply )Painting! and doing a pro%essional ob o% it!* bt #ne$ better than to be so %lippant.

)Do!* she said alod.



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)8e call it cloa#ing!* r. (trayer advised. )8e eperience this type o% behavior %rom time to time. 8e

had one resident $ho spent her sessions teaching a class o% imaginary school children. Another resident tended

to a %antasy garden. 7ne resident al$ays conred p horri%ying images o% mtilation and carnage $hen sing

the Li%evie$er. 'e $as trans%erred to a mental instittion and stayed their nearly a year be%ore they determined

he $as merely being ncooperative! and $as not seriosly mentally distrbed.*

/his story sobered Annie a great deal. (he cold easily read the implied threat behind r. (trayers $ords.

Perhaps she had better ta#e this more seriosly. (he straightened hersel% physically in her chair.

)?rs. ,allahan! is there some reason yo are n$illing to cooperate in yor therapy9 /he Li%evie$er

(essions are designed %or yor bene%it. 8hy did yo choose not to ta#e advantage o% them9* r. (trayer as#ed!

drmming the %ingers o% his right hand pon his des#.

)-ts st... - st dont %eel that my personal memories are anyones bsiness bt mine!* Annie replied!

immediately annoyed $ith hersel% %or sonding so sheepish.

)L/( is designed to help yo! ?rs. ,allahan!* r. (trayer replied. )-t is a proven %orm o% psychotherapy.

;y revie$ing yor memories yo can ma#e peace $ith yorsel% and $ith those $hose lives have impacted

yors in signi%icant $ays. =o cant ma#e any #ind o% progress i% yo $aste yor Li%evie$er sessions in this

%ashion!* he conclded! $aving a hand to$ard the monitor $here the animated %igre contined her persistent

labor.



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)- nderstand revie$ing my memories might be help%l to me!* Annie conceded! )- st dont li#e the idea

o% them being shared $ith other people.*

)- and others at the center involved $ith yor care are the only ones $ho $ill have access to them!* r.

(trayer replied.

)8hat abot my daghter9* Annie as#ed! blntly.

r. (trayer leaned bac# in his chair. )id yo sign yorsel% into 8interhaven9* he as#ed.

)?y daghter has po$er o% attorney i% thats $hat yo mean!* Annie replied! trclently. (he didnt li#e

being treated li#e a doddering %ool.

r. (trayer roc#ed slightly in his chair. )/hen $e $old release in%ormation to her only as needed. - can

assre yo its rare that $e need to share Li%evie$er in%ormation $ith a %amily member in relation to care.*

-t $as on the tip o% Annies tonge to bring p the remembrance contribtions! bt she #ne$ there $old

be no se. 'e $old probably st do$nplay it any$ay! or deny it altogether.

/he Li%evie$er not only helped residents relive their memories! it recorded them. Dot st the moving

animated %igres! the actal memory as it n%olded in the residents minds. 7nce a resident passed a$ay the



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center pac#aged their memories and nabashedly sold them to their net o% #in %or an eorbitant contribtion.

Annie #ne$ this to be tre. A $oman she had become ac5ainted $ith $hen she had %irst arrived at the

center had been present $hen relatives had $atched part o% her hsbands recorded memories a%ter he had

passed a$ay. (he had sha#en $ith rage reconting this to Annie! #no$ing that her hsband $old never have

$anted his memories on pblic display. /he $oman hersel% had passed a$ay not long a%ter$ard and Annie had

been pset %or days! pictring the $omans %amily gathered to $atch her memories against her $ishes! popcorn

at hand! as i% they $ere $atching a 'olly$ood movie.

Even i% Annie rescinded Adreys po$er o% attorney! she $old only gain the right to #eep her records

private %or as long as she $as living. 7nce she passed a$ay! they $old do $hatever they $anted $ith them.

/he dead have no rights. /he matration preserve $old pac#age her memories and mar#et them to her

daghter regardless. Annie reali6ed it $as seless to protest %rther on those gronds. )- gess -ll cooperate!*

she said! 5ietly.

)=o gess! or yo $ill9* r. (trayer pressed.

)- $ill!* Annie replied more %irmly! %eeling li#e a scolded child.

)Do$! abot yor choice o% Animate...* r. (trayer began.

)?y $hat9* Annie as#ed! startled.



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)/he animated version o% yo!* r. (trayer eplained! gestring to$ard the screen.

Annie loo#ed at the screen once more. /he %igre bsily painting a$ay loo#ed nothing li#e Annie hersel%.

/he Animate $as dar#haired $ith deep bro$n eyes and olive s#in. (he $as small and lithe. -% anything! she

$as physically the antithesis o% Annie.

)?ost residents choose Animates $ith similar hair and eye colors! similar body types!* r. (trayer said.

)(ome residents provide s $ith photographs o% themselves at di%%erent stages o% their lives. 8e can

incorporate them into the Li%evie$er eperience.*

;t Annie had chosen a dissimilar Animate on prpose. (he %elt that sing sch a %igre $old help her

remember the tre prpose o% the eercise and to help her #eep her perspective. (he had even named her Ani

mate (ophia! to help di%%erentiate her %rom her o$n tre sel%. ;t she $asnt abot to tell this to r. (trayer.

)- li#e her. -s there a problem9* Annie as#ed! %eigning innocence.

)-ts yor decision! o% corse!* r. (trayer conceded. );t - am crios abot $hy yo chose this

particlar %igre9*

Annie had learned stbbornness $as not the best tactic to se on r. (trayer. (he $old have to otthin#

him. (he smiled. )- decided sing an Animate that is dissimilar $ill help me to be more... objective in



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revie$ing my li%e!* she adlibbed. )-t $ill be easier to deal $ith things i% - remove mysel% slightly %rom the

immediate events.*

r. (trayer loo#ed at her #eenly %or a long moment. Annie contined smiling amiably! care%l not to alter

her epression in any $ay. )Gery $ell!* r. (trayer %inally said! dismissing her.

/here $as one thing that reassred Annie. (pposedly the memorycorder blan#ed ot the sers more

salacios memories! replacing details $ith something along the order o% )then intercorse occrred*. A%ter all!

no one $anted to thin# o% their elderly parent as a loving hman being $ith seal desires. Deither did the

elderly parents $ant to leave those #inds o% memories to posterity! %or the most part. 8hen Annie $as %eeling

particlarly sed by the instittion she $old tend to d$ell on her seal memories to minimi6e the se%l

in%ormation they $ere able to %arm %rom her mind. ;t she didnt do it too o%ten! remembering her session $ith

r. (trayer and not being eager to pay him another visit.



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,hapter 3

A male attendant held Annies hand as she too# her time settling into the reclining chair that $as

pholstered in some cold! stainproo% synthetic material. 'e placed a pillo$ behind Annies head that adsted

itsel% to the proper %irmness as she pressed bac# into it. /hen he tilted the chair so that Annie $as com%ortable

bt not reclining so mch that she $as li#ely to %all asleep.

(he regretted it $hen he placed the Li%evie$er over her eyes and she cold no longer see him. @les $as

by %ar the best loo#ing man in the matration preserve. -n his early thirties! he had $arm bro$n eyes and a

rgged %ace $ith the slightest hint o% a cle%t chin. Annie had o%ten noted the lingering loo#s the other %emale

residents gave him! even some $ho responded to little else. (he hersel% %re5ently told him he $as a living

doll! to $hich he $old re$ard her $ith an o%%#ilter! sey smile.

;e%ore starting the Li%evie$er! the attendant had to as# a series o% 5estions so the machine cold veri%y

the veracity o% the sers thoghts. (omeho$ it $as able to not st determine $hether the ser believed they

$ere telling the trth! bt $hether $hat they $ere relating $as most li#ely %actal in%ormation. ementia $as

o%ten initially discovered at the center based on this ability o% the Li%evie$ers to discern trth %rom ntrth! so

at least in this $ay Li%evie$er therapy might be actally bene%icial to the patient.

)8hat is yor name9* @les as#ed.

Annie $as abot to 5ote (ha#espeares lines abot a rose by any other name! $hen something else came



22

to mind. )o yo #no$ my parents nearly named me &ale9* Annie as#ed! glee%lly.

An annoying b66er sonded nearby.

)Annie...* @les began.

Annie interrpted him. ),an yo imagine9 Gale Gaylan! A%ter &ale (torm! the actress!* Annie eplained.

)- dont #no$ i% it $as my mothers idea or my %athers. -ve o%ten thoght - might have ended p $ith the

nic#name &.&.! and that $old have sonded French. ;t -m glad they $ent $ith Anne instead.*

)Annie! thats very interesting!* @les replied $ryly. );t - $as as#ing %or yo to state yor name! the one

yor parents actally did give yo.*

)Ann Loise &aylan ,allahan!* Annie stated in a somber tone! trying to ma#e him lagh. 8hen he didnt!

she added! )/he ,allahan $as %rom my hsband o% corse! not my parents.*

All she heard in reply $ere %aint clic#s as @les adsted some #nobs on the machine. 'ed re%erred to this

process be%ore as calibrating the Li%evie$er.

)8hat is yor age as o% yor last birthday9* @les as#ed.

)Eightyt$o!* she admitted! relctantly.



23

)8hat day is it today9*

Annie had L/( on ?ondays and /hrsdays. Adrey had visited since her last L/(. )-ts ?onday!* Annie

replied! by process o% elimination.

)8hat did yo have %or brea#%ast9* @les as#ed.

),old! sopy oatmeal! vividly orange @ell7 $ith rbbery %rit and a pale glob that $as once eggs. 7h! and

a cp o% some l#e$arm! bland tea!* Annie replied.

/he machine did not b66. @les laghed nder his breath. )7#ay Annie! yore all set. /heres a note in

yor record that r. (trayer $old li#e yo to %ocs on yor childhood today! so yo probably $ont. -ll be

bac# in an hor.*

)=ore a living doll! @les!* Annie said ovially as he moved a$ay.

y childhood.

(ophia shran# be%ore her eyes to the si6e o% a yong girl maybe si or seven years old. 'er dar# hair hng

do$n in t$o e5al braids! one on each side o% her head. (he $ore a simple! light pin# dress! #nee soc#s and %lat

blac# shoes that loo#ed almost li#e ballet slippers.



2+

Ill never forget the day I tried to fly.

I remember it as a cold morning. I dont know why I would actually remember this as it has nothing to do

with the event itself" but I acce#t it as true. $s I got u# I could #robably hear my mother moving around in the

kitchen #re#aring breakfast.

I would have scurried into the kitchen and #ulled back one of the heavy chairs so I could be seated. %he

chair was too heavy for me and it always made a loud" un#leasant scra#ing sound when I moved it causing my

father to frown. I got into the habit of shifting the chair just enough to s&uee'e myself u# onto the seat. y

stomach was always jammed uncomfortably against the edge of the table at meals.

(ophia sat at a table and loo#ed ill! as i% she had a stomachache! her stomach pressed tightly against the

tables edge. 'er srrondings $ere those o% a typical American #itchen in the era Annie $as thin#ing abot.

/here $as a simple cloc# hanging on a $all covered in yello$ $allpaper adorned $ith clsters o% ble %lo$ers.

/he table at $hich (ophia sat had a gray Formica top $ith chrome sides and legs. /he matching chrome chairs

had thic#! padded seats and bac#s covered in bright red vinyl.

(Good morning" $nn") my mother would have said automatically as she fli##ed #ancakes or stirred

oatmeal. If it really were cold this would have been an oatmeal day.

y father would have been sitting across the table behind his news#a#er. *e would rarely even



24

acknowledge my #resence at the breakfast table immersed as he was in the days events" but I didnt mind

facing a wall of news#rint. +hen I became a good enough reader I would read #arts of the articles facing me

as I sat munching my breakfast. ,ut at my age at the time of this incident I was #robably just looking at the

grainy black and white #hotogra#hs from the front and back #ages of the #a#er.

(ophia stared at $hat appeared to be a literal $all that sddenly appeared on the other side o% the table

covered in old ne$sprint. 8as that a grainy photograph o% a ship9 /he /itanic9 /he Heen ?ary9 Annie

coldnt 5ite ma#e ot the headline. As she s5inted harder trying to read the $ords (ophia trned to her $ith

a raised eyebro$! as i% admonishing her to contine.

y older brother" itchell" would have been at the table" too. itchell was always antsy and demanded

lots of attention. I felt like I disa##eared net to him.

A nondescript male %igre oined (ophia at the table. 'er %igre appeared to shrin# in comparison to his.

'e $ore a bro$n plaid btton do$n shirt $ith a collar and short sleeves. 'is hair $as slic#ed bac#. 'e had

$hat Annie $old describe as a sel%satis%ied smir# as the only %eatre that she cold clearly discern on his

%ace.

%hat morning I would have gone u# to my room after breakfast. %hen I would have brushed my hair

luuriously while looking in my mirror.

I had an old mirror hanging on the bedroom wall above my dresser that used to belong to my grandmother.



2:

It had etched flowers around the edges with sim#le" #erfectly round #etals. I reali'e now the #etals were

#robably engraved by a machine but back then I would sometimes lose track of time standing there admiring

the workmanshi# of those flowers and thinking how valuable my heirloom must be. In truth some of the silver

was missing in #laces and I could see through to the #ink wall behind it. ,ut the mirror seemed almost magical

to me at the time.

(ophias hair $as sddenly loose %rom the braids she had been $earing. (he brshed her hair hapha6ardly

$hile staring into a mirror. /he mirror seemed alight $ith some other$orldly glo$. (ophia $as mesmeri6ed by

it! her eyes gradally ta#ing on a da6ed loo#.

$fter brushing my hair I would have gone over to my chest of drawers to feed my goldfish. I had won her

by successfully throwing a #ing #ong ball into one of do'ens of small goldfish bowls all grou#ed together at the

school fair. f course it was more luck than skill" but I didnt reali'e it then and thought I had done something

really clever. It was the first thing I had ever won and I couldnt take my eyes off of the living" shiny creature in

the water-filled #lastic bag all the way home. I named her ,utter.

(ophia sat in the bac# o% a car ga6ing at a bag that contained... a pat o% btter9 It was a fish! Annie

concentrated and the obect trans%ormed into something more appropriately %ish li#e! $ith %ins.

I reali'e ,utter may sound like an odd name for a goldfish" but we never had anything besides margarine

at my house. ne of the girls at school ke#t telling me how much better butter was than margarine. I assumed

that if it tasted so much better it must loo# better too - maybe it was the rich" shiny orange of my goldfish. So I



2<

named it ,utter.

n this morning when I went to feed ,utter I found her still and lifeless on to# of my chest of drawers.

(ophia stood ga6ing at a %ishshaped obect lying atop a generic piece o% boy %rnitre net to a %ish bo$l.

/here $as an emphatic )* $here the eye shold have been and a tiny tonge protrding %rom an open slit

$hich represented the moth.

$t first I could not figure out how my goldfish could have gotten there. I briefly wanted to blame itchell

since he was the usual cul#rit when anything went wrong. $fter #u''ling about it for a while" I ran to get my

mother.

She was saying goodbye to my father at the door as she did every morning. %here was the obligatory

chaste smack of the li#s and a #ert smile" like those cou#les on television. %hen my mother would turn away.

Sometimes I would catch sight of her bland e#ression at these moments and wonder what she was feeling

inside. *ow did she really feel about the husband she had just sent out the door to earn his living/ +as she

sorry he was leaving or was she relieved he was finally out of the house/ I grew u# never having a sense of

who my mother really was" what she thought and felt as she went through the motions of raising a family and

taking care of her home. I was always looking for some tell-tale sign that would reveal her inner self to me. She

was either very shallow or very ade#t at concealment" I was never sure which.

(ophias )parents* stood at a door$ay. A%ter a brie% #iss! the %ather %igre eited. /he mother trned and



2B

Annie glimpsed her %ace %or the %irst time.

Figres other than the main Animate in the Li%evie$er sessions $ere al$ays vage $ith barely de%ined

%eatres. Annie $as not sre i% it $as designed this $ay so that other characters did not distract %rom the main

party $hose memories $ere being relived or $hether it $as merely to ma#e the so%t$are program simpler.

Either $ay! Annie %ond the imprecise %eatres o% (ophias mother to be eerily appropriate considering her lac#

o% nderstanding o% her own mothers character.

%here was that one thing I found after my mother #assed away 0 a #iece of #a#er folded and tucked into

her high school yearbook. I recogni'ed her handwriting though the letters were a bit more loo#y and girlish

than they would later become. %he #a#er read (,etsy $nn Smith) and (rs. %.1. Smith). y mothers maiden

name was 2oberts. +ho was %.1. Smith/

Looking through the yearbook I discovered two candidates. 3laced net to each other in al#habetical

order were black and white #hotogra#hs of %heodore Smith and %homas Smith. %heodore looked like a young

version of the serious" sober man he undoubtedly became 0 dark hair combed back at the sides" the hair on to#

of his head ludicrously high" heavy black-rimmed glasses framing two earnest dark eyes" a firm" resolute mouth

without the hint of a smile" cris# white shirt with a dark bow tie #erched in the center. I sincerely ho#ed this

was not the %.1. Smith my mother referred to. %homas Smith suffered from the same fashion and grooming

trends of the time with similarly styled hair and stock clothing. ,ut he wore no glasses and his eyes looked

softer" kinder" and his bone structure was somewhat more refined. *is mouth was fuller and set in a #leasing

grin. *e looked much more a##roachable then %heodore.



2>

,ut what did the names on the #a#er mean/ +as this just evidence of a schoolgirl crush or had my mother

actually had some kind of relationshi# with %.1. Smith/ %here were no autogra#hs in her book from any boys"

just a few scribblings from girls with names like ary $nn" Clare" and Cee Cee and nothing in their writings to

indicate anything im#ortant about my mothers high school days. She remained an enigma to me. I could only

imagine some tragic early love that was thwarted and caused her to close herself u# inside. ,ut in reality her

feelings for %. 1. Smith might have been nothing more than a #assing fancy.

I s#ent some time studying my mothers #hotogra#h in the yearbook. She looked much as I remembered

her as a child" just a bit thinner" more coltish. I fancied there might have been a bit more euberance in her

slight smile" more of a gleam in her youthful eyes.

$s soon as the front door closed after my father left on the morning I found my goldfish out of the bowl" I

yelled" (ommy" mommy" ,utter is sick!)

+e went back to my room together. She #robably held my hand on the way.

(ophia and her mother %igre held hands and $al#ed do$n a hall$ay! (ophia $ith an appropriate girlish

s#ip in her $al#. -t broght a lmp to Annies throat! thin#ing abot the girls yoth and innocence.

y mother stood looking at the still goldfish for what seemed like ages. I ke#t wondering why she didnt

do anything to hel# ,utter. I would have #ut her back in the fish bowl myself but I was afraid she might bite me



30

if I touched her" #lus I thought she might feel slimy. y mother hesitated" trying to think of the #ro#er thing to

say.

($nn" ,utter has #assed away") she finally said" in a soft voice. (+ell have to get you another goldfish"

honey.)

,ut I wasnt satisfied. (*ow did she get out of her bowl/) I asked" ga'ing at the still surface in the tiny

goldfish bowl as if it held a vital clue to this tragedy.

(+e #robably had the water level too high") my mother said" (and she jum#ed out. +ell have to be more

careful net time.)

I ke#t thinking about ,utter at school that day" wondering where she had been trying to get to. It suddenly

occurred to me that it was an awfully tiny goldfish bowl. It must have been very constricting for her. I felt bad

that I had not #rovided a more interesting home for her 0 a bigger bowl with a treasure chest and seaweed at

the bottom. I decided ,utter had been trying to get free to find a better waterway to swim in. I could not blame

her.

7n the Li%evie$er screen (ophias %ish s$am at the bottom o% the sea! $eaving in and ot o% &othic

arches! sea$eed gra6ing its stomach! its moth t$itching merrily as thogh the green %ronds tic#led! tipping

open the lids o% treasre chests $ith its nose to reveal the presence o% gleaming gemstones. -t seemed to be

having so mch %n Annie $as distracted %or a moment and became a spectator instead o% a narrator. (he



31

eventally proceeded $ith her story.

4ven though it was cold" if it was" we went out for recess that day at school. I must have been thinking

about ,utter when I jum#ed" about her lea#ing out of that bowl in search of some#lace better. I remember

standing at the to# of the slide and" rather than sitting down on the shiny silver slat of metal" turning and

lea#ing off the side into the air instead.

(ophia obediently mped o%% the top o% a slide. 'er s#irt p%%ed p in an amsing $ay as she %ell! slo$ing

her %all li#e a ma#eshi%t parachte. (he %ell throgh the air bobbing slightly le%t and right $ith $hite %l%%y

clods as a bac#drop! no land in sight! as i% she $ere %alling %rom a great height.

It was suddenly like gravity no longer eisted" like there were no more rules or that God had chosen to

sus#end them" just me and the air caressing my legs" hands and face as I fell" time had gone $+L" and it felt

like ages since Id taken that lea#" until suddenly the earth rose toward me" looming solid and hard" and the

im#act jolted me mercilessly back to reality and I heard a startling sna#. y right leg was broken.

(ophia sat spra$led on the grond $ith her right leg at a distrbing angle to the rest o% her body. 'er %ace

still re%lected some o% the ephoria she had eperienced dring her %all. Animated %igre that she $as! the sight

o% (ophias limb as#e$ li#e that still alarmed Annie and %orced her to temporarily close her eyes.

I know it was #ainful but oddly enough I dont remember the #ain. +hat I remember is the thrill I

e#erienced jum#ing into the air with abandon. In taking that lea# I flouted convention" I struck out on my



32

own" I rebelled. It was freedom of a sort" even though it was misdirected and short-lived. I can still summon u#

that feeling when Im tense or bored and it hel#s me to go on. $ll in all I think I benefited from my relationshi#

with #oor ,utter.

,ut for the most #art my childhood was safe" uneventful and uninteresting. I had some ac&uaintances in

the neighborhood and at school but no one I really considered to be a close friend. I s&uabbled with itchell

over sundry unim#ortant issues daily" tried to kee# my fathers disa##roval at bay and to gain and kee# my

mothers attention" which meant a great deal to me at the time. %his changed significantly as I got older.

(ophias %igre stretched abrptly to the si6e o% a teenager! as i% she had stepped in %ront o% one o% those

distorting carnival mirrors. (he still $ore the same simple pin# dress and balletslipper shoes that she had $orn

as a child.

Annie $ondered $hat they did $ith rern memories. (rely every resident had certain times o% their lives

they tended to d$ell pon. id they inclde every instance o% a particlar memory in their pac#age to the

%amilies9 8oldnt that ma#e it so cmbersome that no one $old choose to vie$ or other$ise eperience it9

7r did they edit it so that it became st one detailed retelling o% the event9

Sorry" $udrey" Im going back to 5oughertys.



33

,hapter +

)-m sorry nobody else cold come $ith me. /im had to ta#e @eremy to air boardsoccer practice!* Adrey

had said $hen she had arrived at the center. )And (ara and her %riend @enny are on a virtal trip to Paris.*

Adrey had stooped to #iss Annies chee# be%ore settling do$n in the chair opposite hers. Annie didnt

#no$ $hy Adrey bothered eplaining $here her %amily members $ere or $hat they $ere doing since she

almost al$ays came to see Annie alone. Annie sally didnt nderstand the eplanations Adrey o%%ered

any$ay. (he cold probably imagine $hat air boardsoccer $as! $hich sonded etremely dangeros to her!

bt ho$ did yo ta#e a virtal trip to Paris or any$here else9

Annie only #ne$ $hat Adreys %amily loo#ed li#e anymore becase o% the %amily photograph sitting atop

the tiny dresser in her room. A ne$er photograph $as ploaded periodically $ithot $arning. Annie $old

glance at the pictre one day and sddenly everyone in it loo#ed di%%erent (ara and @eremy $old be a tad

taller and their %aces $old seem thinner and more matre! Adrey $old loo# a little more care$orn. 7nly

/im $old loo# pretty mch as he al$ays had! $earing a di%%erent shirt. /he changing photo gave Annie an

odd sensation o% time passing too 5ic#ly and in leaps rather than hors.

/hey $ere seated in the spacios observation modle near a $indo$ $ith a vie$ o% magni%icent trees and

a $inding stream. "esidents $ere encoraged to receive visitors in the observation modle nless they $ere

bedridden. /he residents rooms $ere too small to accommodate visitors $ith any com%ort.



3+

)'o$ have yo been %eeling9* Adrey as#ed! sipping %rom a mammoth cp o% co%%ee she had pic#ed p

some$here on her commte.

Annie $as glad to see Adrey $as not sing one o% those ?oth%ill cps that $ere so poplar. /hey $ere

calibrated to release the appropriate amont o% li5id into yor moth $hen the cp $as broght to the lips.

Annie had tried one belonging to the center. -t had startled her every time it had dispensed its contents and she

had ended p letting some o% the li5id rn ot o% her moth be%ore she $as able to close it. ?ch better to

drin# the old%ashioned $ay than let some cp ma#e decisions %or yo.

7% corse! the ne$ biodegradable cps li#e the one Adrey had that day $ere problematic in their o$n

$ay. esigned to biodegrade t$o hors a%ter they $ere %illed $ith li5id! the ser had to remember to %inish

their drin# $ithin that time period or ris# a nasty spill. /hey did get progressively dar#er in color as time $ore

on as a reminder to the consmer. Adreys cp! $hich $old have originally been a pale beige! $as no$ a rich

ochre he. -n abot another hor it $old trn to a dar# sienna and dissolve shortly therea%ter.

Annie had popped a sgar%ree chocolate into her moth. (he che$ed vigorosly! barely tasting the

delectable chocolate in her hrry to clear the path$ay %or speech. )-ve been %eeling o#ay!* she replied to

Adreys 5estion! her voice m%%led by residal chocolate. (he s$allo$ed again! $ishing she had a glass o%

$ater. )-ve been getting this ache in my right arm thogh. -ve never had it be%oreC it ma#es it hard %or me to

sleep at night.*

)Probably st a plled mscle or something!* Adrey diagnosed on the %ly. )=ore lc#y its so



34

com%ortable here! temperatre$ise. /he government has decreased or energy allo$ance again.*

)-snt everything solar po$ered9* Annie as#ed. )-snt solar po$er limitless9* (he al$ays %elt some$hat

%oolish tal#ing abot modern innovations since she $as so lac#ing in #no$ledge. (he remembered the good old

days o% gas and electricity! and ho$ her dad sed to employ a copper penny $hen a %se ble$ and they had no

spare %ses in the hose. 8hat did yo do i% yo ran short o% solar po$er9 Ise a magni%ying glass to intensi%y

the sns rays9

)(olar technology still isnt able to prodce 100J o% or po$er!* Adrey corrected her. )And the

government imposes strict taes on any po$er $e se in ecess o% or energy allo$ance that comes %rom old

technologies.*

)8hen - $as a girl! $e didnt have central airconditioning!* Annie said. )All $e had $as one heavy metal

%an and my dad sally had it %ocsed on him. 'e $or#ed in a hot %actory all day and $anted to be com%ortable

in the evening. 8e st opened all the $indo$s and coped. - dont remember it being that hot! really.*

)8e cant open the $indo$s or it $old compromise the air %iltering system!* Adrey eplained!

some$hat tersely.

)8hy do yo need to %ilter the air9 - thoght (ara otgre$ her allergies.*

)Everyone %ilters their air! mother!* Adrey said. )-ts condcive to good health. /he government st



3:

released a report listing all the toins and nearlytoins in average otdoor air. -t $as sobering reading.*

Annie smiled! not even crios abot $hat a )nearlytoin* $as. (he intended to ma#e a comment abot

ho$ dangeros her childhood had been $hat $ith her breathing all that common! %ilthy air! bt she #ne$

Adrey $old st be irritated by it. ?any o% the things she said to Adrey seemed to have that a%%ect.

Annie popped another chocolate into her moth and che$ed it thoght%lly. (he $atched her daghter ta#e

another 5ic# sip o% her co%%ee. Adreys contenance $as marred by %ro$n lines that had deepened over the

years. (he had $arm bro$n eyes and a rond %ace li#e her %athers! bt she had Annies aristocratic nose and

prominent chee#bones. 8hen she smiled! it reminded Annie strongly o% ?i#e! not that she remembered ?i#e

smiling very o%ten. ;t Adrey rarely smiled hersel% $hen she visited the center. 'er mind $as on things she

had to do at home and the long trip bac# that a$aited her.

/he circm%erence o% the observation modle $as bro#en p into coves delineated by clear! nobtrsive

ba%%les. /hese separated the coves %rom one another and m%%led sond! giving the impression o% privacy

$ithot spoiling the lovely otdoor vie$s. /he modle $as bstling $ith activity and tal# bt the sonds that

reached Annies ears $ere mted and indistinct as i% her head $ere nder$ater.

Annie had never %ond ot $hat had happened to her things a%ter she had moved into the center. -t had

mattered to her terribly $hen she had %irst reali6ed she $asnt going home again! bt $hen shed as#ed Adrey

$here her things had gone all Adrey had said $as that everything $as )sa%e*. Annie had since %orgotten abot

most o% her belongings! relegating them to her past. /here $as only one obect that really mattered to her



3<

anymore.

)-s my hope chest still sa%e9 Do ones been messing arond in it9* Annie as#ed! ga6ing intently at her

daghter. (he $anted to catch her immediate reaction in order to gage the trth o% her reply.

)=es! mother! the chest is sa%e!* Adrey assred her! $ith no change in her epression. Annie too# that %or

a sign that she $as ans$ering trth%lly. )-ts in the bac# hall$ay. 8e sit on it to change or shoes be%ore going

ot.*

)/he #ids dont open it! do they9 - dont $ant those papers damaged in any $ay!* Annie said.

)?other! the #ids are ten and %orteen and they arent interested in yor papers. ;esides! - #eep it loc#ed

li#e yo instrcted me to!* Adrey replied.

)8here do yo #eep the #ey9* Annie as#ed.

Adrey sighed in easperation and placed her co%%ee cp care%lly on the seat net to her. (he rmmaged

arond in her volminos blac# handbag ntil she retrieved a small piece o% tarnished metal %rom a poc#et in

the lining. (he reached ot and placed it in one o% Annies $rin#led hands.

)/here!* Adrey said! )thats $here - #eep it. Are yo satis%ied9*



3B

Annie loo#ed intently at the small metal item lying on her $rin#led palm. -t $as the #ey to her old hope

chest all right Adrey mst still have the chest i% she $as carrying the #ey! it didnt ma#e any sense other$ise.

8hen Annie thoght abot $hat this #ey $as protecting she %elt a srge o% pride. (rely someone $old

recogni6e the vale o% those papers someday as long as Adrey #ept them sa%e.

Annie care%lly handed the precios #ey bac# to her daghter and $atched as she pt it a$ay.

)- told yo abot my arm! didnt -9* Annie as#ed $hen Adrey $as done! gently grasping her right arm

$ith her le%t hand mid$ay bet$een her elbo$ and sholder.

)=es! mother! yo did mention it!* Adrey said! glancing arond srreptitiosly at the time proected %rom

the laser cloc# at the in%ormation des# some$here behind Annies chair. Annie #ne$ Adrey mst be thin#ing

abot leaving already.

)- thin# r. (tevenson shold #no$ abot my arm! dont yo9 'e hasnt been in to see me in ages!* Annie

said.

)?other! - contacted r. (tevensons o%%ice last $ee# abot yor di66y spells. /hey called me at $or#

8ednesday to say the doctor had eamined yo and that they had adsted yor medication. ont yo

remember seeing r. (tevenson9* Adrey as#ed! s5ee6ing her empty co%%ee cp too hard and casing the

plastic lid to %all o%% and land on the %loor near her %eet. Adrey 5ic#ly snatched it p be%ore the litter alarm

cold be activated.



3>

)8as that st this past 8ednesday that the doctor came9* Annie as#ed. 8as it really only three days since

she had seen that $ithered old doctor $ith his beige hair9 /he days here really $ere endless

)=es! mother! 8ednesday!* Adrey repeated. )8hen did yor arm start hrting9 (ince yo sa$ the

doctor9*

Annie tried hard to pin do$n time bt it slipped a$ay %rom her. -t mst have been a%ter the doctors visit

that her arm pain beganC srely she $old have mentioned it to him other$ise.

)=es! a%ter the doctors visit!* she con%irmed.

)/hen it cant have been hrting %or more than a cople o% days. &ive it some time to heal. 'ere! let me

loo# at it!* Adrey said! scooting %or$ard in her chair and grasping Annie gently arond the right $rist. (he

care%lly pshed p Annies sleeve and inspected the area o% her scra$ny arm that Annie had indicated earlier.

Annie $as appalled that her arm loo#ed li#e it didC the s#in pale and loose! the mscles shriveled nderneath!

%rec#led $ith age spots. ;t there $as no brise or anything to indicate any particlar sorce o% pain.

)?aybe yo st slept on it %nny or something!* Adrey sggested. )&ive it some time. =o can call me

or mention it to the sta%% i% it still hrts in a %e$ days.* (he rose %rom her chair! signaling the end o% their visit.

(rely their visits $ere getting shorter every $ee#9 -t seemed li#e Adrey had st gotten there



+0

)&oodbye! mother!* Adrey said gently! #issing Annies chee# and giving her a hal% hg by s5ee6ing her

sholders. )8e love yo.*

+e who/ Annie $ondered. I only see one #erson here!

)&oodbye! Adrey!* Annie said $armly! )=ore a good girl.* 'er voice 5ivered in spite o% hersel%. (he

al$ays came close to crying $hen her daghter le%t. Adrey $as the only remaining lin# to her %ormer li%e.

8hen she le%t it al$ays %elt to Annie li#e she $as being abandoned.

)-ll call yo dring the $ee#!* Adrey promised as she began to bac# a$ay. (he might actally do it! too!

i% she managed to remember her promise be%ore the Family,onnections Det$or# sht do$n %or the day.

)ont %orget dont %orget! Adrey!* Annie called a%ter her daghter! alarmed. (he $anted to hear %rom

Adrey be%ore the %ollo$ing $ee#end! the $ee#s at the center $ere so nbearably long and tedios. ;t it $as

already too late to remind Adrey! she $as tal#ing animatedly on the phone proecting %rom her ear as she

marched prpose%lly a$ay.



+1

,hapter 4

Annie didnt care %or (am. 'e $as not attractive li#e @lesC he had bshy blac# eyebro$s above brooding!

dar#! closeset eyes. /o Annie he al$ays loo#ed li#e he $as p to something shi%ty. 'is generally glm

epression and 5ietness added to Annies discom%ort arond him. ;t the %ollo$ing ?onday he led her to the

recliner in the therapy modle %or L/(.

'e adsted the Li%evie$er on Annies %ace a$#$ardly. Annie #ne$ ho$ %ragile and epensive the devices

$ere as she had been present $hen another $or#er had accidentally #noc#ed one to the %loor and a dar# piece

o% plastic or maybe smo#y glass9M had bro#en o%% o% it. Annie had overheard them lying to their spervisor

and saying that one o% the residents had #noc#ed the Li%evie$er o%% and bro#en it. Annie didnt li#e that

attendant mch! either.

A%ter the Li%evie$er $as in place (am s#ipped the sal 5estions that $ere spposed to calibrate her

thoghts and began to read something to Annie in a stilted $ay. )=o are epecting yor daghter. (he $ill be

born soon. 8here do yo live9 8hat $as yor relationship li#e $ith yor hsband9 'o$ did yo %eel abot the

baby coming9 /hin# abot these things in yor session today!* he intoned.

(he mst not have been giving them enogh variety. (he #ne$ she tended to thin# abot the things that

mattered most to her the early years $ith (hane! the band! his msic! living $ith and loving him. -t $asnt her

%alt that Adrey $asnt born ntil later! at a time $hen she $asnt as happy. -t $as a time she didnt li#e to

d$ell on. ;t she spposed she o$ed some version o% that part o% her history to her daghter %or a%ter she $as



+2

gone. (he dti%lly pictred a pregnant (ophia.

Annie coldnt help it she brst ot laghing. (ophias belly $as so in%lated! so balloonli#eC she loo#ed

li#e she $old eplode at any second Annie had a $ic#ed thoght. A sharp pin appeared on the screen o% the

Li%evie$er! a giant pin spported by a giant hand. /he pin s$ooped do$n closer and closer to (ophias

massive! nprotected belly. (ophia loo#ed p at the giant hand $ith alarm.

) ,rrrrrrrrrr") the Li%evie$er alarm $ent o%% be%ore Annie cold pop (ophias stomach. (he cold sense

(am net to her! pressing bttons to reset the vie$er. (ophias image disappeared abrptly! almost as i% she had

indeed blo$n p. )?rs. ,allahan!* he chided! )be serios no$.*

)-m sorry! (am!* she said! nable to reign in her mischievos hmor! )the Animate $as so %nny loo#ing!

st ready to brst at the seams -ll be serios! - promise.* (he $anted him to go a$ay. (he didnt %eel very

com%ortable arond him! especially $ith the vie$er on so she coldnt see him.

(ophia %ailed to reappear. Annie $ondered $hat (am $as $aiting %or. )7ne o% the patients recorded a

memory once!* he said 5ietly a%ter a prolonged silence! )in $hich she danced $ith the President o% the Inited

(tates at a %ancydress ball. -t had never happened in real li%e! bt the alarm on the memorycorder didnt go o%%

at all.*

)'o$ cold that be9* Annie as#ed! 5ietly. (he sspected they had %ailed to as# the 5estions they sed to

calibrate the machine st as (am had %ailed to 5estion her that day.



+3

)/he patient thoght it $as the trth!* (am replied harshly. )(he didnt #no$ the di%%erence bet$een

%antasy and reality anymore. (he $as so certain it had really happened that the machine $as nable to detect

that it $as ntre. (he had a stro#e the net day and died .* A long silence %ollo$ed this prononcement $hile

(ams $ords sn# in. Annie $as relieved $hen (ophia %inally reappeared in the Li%evie$er and she heard the

attendant move a$ay.

-t too# her a %e$ moments to sha#e o%% the ominos %eeling (ams $ords had le%t behind. /hen Annie

dti%lly started thin#ing abot the period st be%ore Adrey had been born.

I was in my late twenties. It was difficult for me because my interior decorating career was just getting off

the ground and then I found out I was e#ecting. I didnt want to risk harming the baby but I couldnt just give

u# my business either" so I was forced to run errands" lift heavy bolts of fabric and cans of #aint" breathe

noious fumes" et cetera" to some etent throughout my #regnancy.

(ophia scrried arond moving absrdly large bolts o% bold %abrics! lgging obviosly heavy paint cans!

$aving her hands in %ront o% her %ace no$ and then to %end o%% noios odors! all as her shrn#en stomach

gradally ronded bac# ot to absrd proportions.

y relationshi# with my husband/ +hen I started my business he became little more than a footnote in my

life. I would run into him on rare occasions when I wasnt working or slee#ing. *e tried to be understanding at

first" going out of his way to make sure I ate healthy food when I was at home and doing a fair share of the



++

household chores. ,ut eventually he lost #atience and became sullen and withdrawn. 6rankly" I hardly noticed.

I was too focused on my business. In a way I was glad he gave u# trying to be nice 0 it gave me an ecuse not

to have to go out of my way to act grateful.

A nondescript male %igre brooded in the corner o% the screen. (ophia ignored him as she scrried ot the

door dressed in paintspattered maternity overalls and cap $ith a bolt o% %abric over her sholder that barely

cleared the door %rame.

Annie $asnt enoying these memories at all. /hey made her %eel stressed and tired and gilty st as she

had %elt $hen the events $ere actally ta#ing place. 8as this really $hat she $as spposed to leave behind %or

her daghter9 /he #no$ledge that she had added more stress to her mothers already hectic li%e9 (he thoght

lovingly abot Adrey as a child! $ith her nrly shoc# o% dar# hair! her blnt %acial %eatres! ga$#y and

impetos.

$udrey" your father was disa##ointed at first that you were not a boy" but the two of you managed to forge

a s#ecial relationshi# regardless. I think it was easier for your dad than it was for me. $s you grew u# I found

myself wanting you to be like I had been" to like the things I had liked" to dream the dreams I had dreamed.

7our dad had a different #ers#ective never having been a girl so he was free from those sorts of e#ectations

about you. ,ut I was disa##ointed when you didnt like to read mysteries" when you #icked #ink as your

favorite color" when you chose to be in the high school beauty #ageant instead of the art club. I know now I

should not have measured you by my own yardstick and that I was wrong to ever let you see my

disa##ointment. $ll I can say is that I regret my behavior now and that I was #roud when you came in second



+4

in that #ageant. I still dont understand how you got beaten by 5orothy Lancaster! She was so su#erficial and

her #erformance of 1uliets solilo&uy was laughable.

A teenaged girl dressed in a long $hite %lo$ing go$n appeared in the Li%evie$er. (he stood in an

appropriately tragic pose $ith the bac# o% one hand on her trobled bro$. 'er other hand! clasped at her aching

breast! obscred the %irstplace banner draped across it. (ophia sat $atching %rom the adience. (ophias loo#

ali#e daghter $as on the stage as $ell! $earing a bathing sit and a banner that read )second*! smiling and

$aving her hand at the cro$d in the sidetoside %ashion o% the 5een o% England.

Annies heart $as not in this recitation. (he #ne$ it $old please her daghter and r. (trayer bt she had

come to reali6e that her sessions on the Li%evie$er made her %eel more connected to her past and the years she

had spent scrambling to get her bsiness o%% the grond and strggling to raise her daghter $ere not the parts

o% her past that she yearned to relive.

(he $anted to go bac# to oghertys! bac# to the night $hen her li%e had changed %orever.

5oughertys was a neighborhood bar in a small college town" #o#ular with both the college kids and the

locals. %he walls were covered with dark wood #aneling adorned with dim wall lam#s every few feet. %here

were also flickering candles on the durable #edestal tables that seated four a#iece. In s#ite of this" the overall

darkness gave the #lace a cavern-like atmos#here. %he walls were littered with #hotogra#hs of local events 0

action shots from various football games at the college" #lays being #erformed earnestly by members of the

college drama club" amusement rides" lattice-crusted and crumb-to##ed #ies from the county fair" the newly-



+:

elected mayor #erforming the ground-breaking for the new civic center" customers dickering with sellers over

cluttered folding tables at the weekly flea market in the train station #arking lot. %he #hotos were black and

white which made them seem more historically relevant. Ga'ing at them made me feel alternately like a #art of

the community or like a tem#orary visitor" de#ending on the subject matter and my own familiarity with it.

It was crowded that night.

;ehind (ophia shado$y %igres poplated the Li%evie$er screen. /heir anonymos natre made them

seem rather ominos to Annie and her %irst instinct $as to $arn (ophia to be care%l.

I was there with my dorm-mate" ,ridget.

7ne o% the %igres near (ophia became more distinct bt her %eatres never 5ite came into %ocs! li#e an

image prodced by a mal%nctioning camera. (he had blonde hair li#e ;ridgets had been! short $ith bangs!

and $ore eans and a teal s$eater.

,ridget was dating a guy who was tending bar that night. +e werent &uite legally old enough to drink and

he seemed worldly and mature. I should have been back at the dorm or at the library studying for my biology

final. ,ut it was an unusually warm s#ring evening and I couldnt stay coo#ed u# inside. I told myself I would

only stick around long enough for a drink or two and would make u# the time when I got back to the dorm.

I wore my brown and gold flowered #easant dress that night. It had a scoo# neck and short #uffy sleeves.



+<

%he skirt ended mid-calf. It was the only dress I owned. I usually wore dark blue jeans at school with colorful

to#s. any girls were still wearing #latform shoes then" but being tall I wore neutral-colored flats. I had #ulled

my straight dark-blonde hair back from my face that night into a loose chignon and used slightly heavier

makeu# than usual since I knew the lighting in the bar would be relatively dim. I wore long earrings with

coffee-colored #lastic bangles. Ive never thought of myself as being #retty - Im too realistic and familiar with

my own flaws for that - but I did feel that I looked about as good as I was able to that night. $nd I was young

and the #leasant weather made me feel restless.

(ophia $ore an appropriately long dress althogh it $as a$%lly %orm%itting to represent a peasant dressM

and long! dangling earrings. 'er hair $as plled bac# severely into a bn. Loo#ing rather li#e a %lamenco

dancer! she sashayed as she $al#ed as i% she $ere happy $ith the e%%ect she $as prodcing.

,ridget got us some drinks from her bartender beau. I dont know if he assumed we were old enough to

drink or whether he was intentionally serving li&uor to minors but I was ha##y to acce#t the glass ,ridget

brought me.

(ophia $as sddenly holding a chn#y martini glass in her hand. /he oversi6ed pimentost%%ed olive

inside the glass loo#ed li#e the eye o% some menacing ndersea creatre.

Some guy tried to strike u# a conversation with me early on but the nearby crowd was so boisterous I

couldnt make out what he was saying. %he more he contorted his face shouting to make himself understood the

more distorted and un#leasant he looked. 4ventually I just shook my head and walked away from him.



+B

+hen we had entered the bar I had noticed some guys setting u# mike stands and other e&ui#ment near

the small dance floor in the back. I wandered over to see if the band was nearly ready to #lay. y timing was

#erfect. %here were five band members altogether8 a drummer" a bass #layer" a keyboardist" a guitar #layer and

a singer.

Five )msician* %igres popped p in %ront o% (ophia. /hey loo#ed identical ecept %or their instrments.

/he singer held an oversi6ed microphone poised in %ront o% his moth as i% he might brea# into song at any

moment.

1ust as I walked u#" the singer barked into the micro#hone (Check one" check one.) %here was some

un#leasant feedback. Someone made some adjustments on an am#lifier. $fter another check or two they were

ready to go.

nce they started to #lay" much of the crowd congregated behind me and I found myself tra##ed right in

front of the band. 6ortunately they were #retty good but ridiculously loud. y ears were ringing during the

relative silence between songs.

%he lead singer" ,arry" was absolutely gorgeous" just the ty#e I always used to get crushes on. *is long

hair was dirty-blonde and slightly wavy and he had ha'el eyes and a #rovocative smile. *is voice was ras#y

and the way he moved his fairly tall" well-built body was lithe and sey. +hen I glanced around I noticed that

most of the girls in the crowd were staring at ,arry with adoring eyes. I su##ose I was too" at first.



+>

%hen the guitarist #layed an interesting lead" his fingers running over the fret board with ama'ing agility. I

was somewhat familiar with guitar #laying - my brother itchell had briefly dreamed of becoming a famous

guitarist and had wasted many hours #racticing the guitar only to discover that he just didnt have any natural

musical ability. ,ut I had learned a thing or two about techni&ue from being forced to listen to his efforts.

%his guitarist at 5oughertys was in a different league entirely and had obviously s#ent a lot of time

honing his craft. In song after song he added interesting and une#ected nuances here and there. y attention

gradually shifted from ,arry to him.

(ophia literally trned to shi%t her attention %rom the singer to the gitarist. /he strings on the gitar

vibrated every cople o% seconds to indicate that the instrment $as in %act prodcing sond.

,arry dressed the #art of a rock star in an unbuttoned white cotton jacket over a #artially unbuttoned

black shirt dis#laying an abundance of golden chest hair. In contrast the guitarist looked like most of the guys

who fre&uented the bar in a #air of worn jeans and an old t-shirt advertising some brand of s#ark #lugs 9I

found out later his dad owned an auto #arts store:. *e was tall" thin and lanky with shaggy brown hair and a

weak chin. %o be honest he was a bit homely" but theres a thin line between homeliness and attractiveness.

any rock stars that are no more attractive than Shane have been etremely successful and etremely #o#ular

with women.

Shanes eyes were a warm brown and as I later discovered he had an endearing smile. *is electric guitar



40

was a dark burgundy color and not at all flashy" but from the sounds it #ut out I sus#ected he had made some

modifications to it. 5uring the gig he was all business" so involved in the music he didnt seem to be mindful of

his surroundings at all. %his indifference to the crowd just made him more interesting to me. aybe it was

#artly the influence of the *arvey +allbanger circulating in my bloodstream but I decided I was going to talk

to him when the band took their first break.

Im not going to #retend I was uninformed when it comes to that activity the Lifeviewer censors to then

intercourse occurred" or some such thing. I was not as seually active as some of the girls I knew" but Id had a

few boyfriends by then. ;one of these relationshi#s had left me terribly heartbroken when they had ended. It

had been like trying on clothes that didnt fit - you just #ut them back on the hanger and go to a different store

and try on something else. y conscience #ricked me from time to time about my casual attitude toward se but

it wasnt unusual in those days and I wasnt intros#ective enough at that age to recogni'e the immorality of my

behavior or the inherent riskiness of it.

1ust after ,arry announced the bands name 0 aileys ,omets 95ailey was his last name: and that they

would be taking a fifteen minute break" the crowd began to disburse. ,ridget materiali'ed net to me to tell me

she was going to be leaving with her boyfriend when the bar closed so I would need to get back to the dorm on

my own. It was still fairly early and I wasnt unduly worried about walking home alone in that safe college

town. I was more concerned that the band would start #laying again before I had a chance to talk to the

guitarist or that I might lose my nerve. I turned im#atiently from ,ridget and was startled to find someone

standing directly in front of me. I looked u# to find myself ga'ing directly into the guitarists e#ressive brown

eyes. *e introduced me to his awesome smile.



41

(ophia stood %ace to %ace $ith the gitarist. 'is head $as bobbing gently as i% he $ere still amming to

msic. (ophia ga6ed at him encoragingly and appeared to be blshing slightly.

(*i" Im Shane") he said.

(Im $nn") I re#lied" recovering my com#osure enough to smile back.

($re you interested in guitar/) he asked" (r are you from the collection agency/) I smiled more

brightly. *e must have noticed me watching him. f course" I had been standing right in front of him for nearly

an hour.

(y brother used to #lay guitar") I e#lained. (7oure #retty ama'ing at what you do!)

(%hank you. Ive been #laying since I was eight") he said. (nly I rarely #lay 3o# Goes the +easel

anymore. +ould you like a drink/)

I held out my em#ty glass. (I could use another *arvey +allbanger") I said.

*e took the glass but continued to look me straight in the eye. (+hats in it/)

(<odka" Galliano and orange juice") I re#lied" glad that I had #aid attention when ,ridgets boyfriend



42

had described the drink to us earlier.

(aybe Ill try one myself. I could use some vitamin C") Shane remarked with a twinkle in his eye.

)=or session is over no$! ?rs. ,allahan!* a voice spo#e! startling Annie. /he Li%evie$er disappeared and

she $as le%t loo#ing at (ams sco$ling %ace. )/ime to go bac# to yor room and rest.*



43

,hapter :

8hoever had designed the recreation modle had apparently $anted to ma#e it loo# li#e a combination

movie theaterNamsement par#. /he $alls on the le%t and right $ere cotton candy pin# adorned $ith large metal

obects that loo#ed li#e old%ashioned movie reels spe$ing %ilm. Annie al$ays thoght abot ho$ heavy those

things mst be and ho$ badly they $old inre any resident n%ortnate enogh to be sitting nder them i%

they happened to %all o%% o% the $all. /oday ?arion @ordan seemed to be the one in the most imminent danger

so the prospect didnt concern Annie that mch. -t $as ?arion $ho contined to sbect them all to perpetal

ronds o% It Sounds Like on the giant monitor. Annie cold hear the adience roaring the catch phrase

sometimes in her sleep.

/he sr%ace o% the immense $all the residents all %aced $as covered by the digiti6ed images o% ,hc#

8inston! (ally ?onroe and varios grinning contestants. ,hc# 8instons sit had $ide lapels and a bsy

hondstooth pattern that! along $ith his e%%ete mstache! indicated this episode had been made in the 1><0s.

,hc# 8inston $as the host o% the program bt the ndobted star $as (ally ?onroe. 8ith her boncy!

golden crls and a smile that made toothpaste man%actrers clamor %or her endorsement! (ally had 5ic#ly

mimed her $ay into the pblics heart. -t had been $idely rmored that ,hc# 8inston! ot o% ealosy! had

threatened to leave the sho$ in the second season i% the prodcers did not replace (ally and that the prodcers

had calmly replied that i% he $anted to leave the door $as $ide open. 'e had s$allo$ed his pride and stayed

%or the net three decades.



4+

8hile (allys garb changed %rom time to time she $as al$ays dressed in some blac# and $hite ensemble

replete $ith stripes! chec#s! dots or diamonds and legendary %orm%itting slac#s. 'er ma#ep! $hile not the

sal mime $hite%ace $ith vertical blac# lines at the eyes! $as pale almost to the point o% $hiteness $ith

elaborate eyeliner! thic# mascara and bright cherryred lips.

(ally never spo#e on the program. 'er ob $as to act ot the phrases %or the contestants! althogh the

sho$ $as interspersed $ith %ilm snippets o% thirdrate actors and other semi%amos people acting ot $ords

%rom time to time. 8hen (ally cpped her hand to her ear! the adience shoted )-t sonds li#e* 8hen she

held p a hand $ith her thmb and inde %inger close together! they roared )Little $ord* 8hen a contestant

correctly gessed a $ord it appeared in its proper order at the bottom o% the screen ntil the entire phrase $as

revealed. (ally $as the gle that held the sho$ together $ith her per#y grin and spar#ling ble eyes.

(he had created a sensation in the third season $hen she had appeared on a tal# sho$ on a competing

station and people had tned in in record nmbers to hear (ally spea#. -t had been a letdo$n %or Annie as

(allys voice had been lilting and slightly nasal! sonding pretty mch as Annie $old have epected it to.

(ometime in the later seasons (ally had ndergone some etreme plastic srgery that had le%t her %ace

loo#ing as tight as a rbber sheet and had made her %amos smile stretch to an nrealistic $idth. Annie had

hated seeing the caricatre (allys %ace had become and had avoided $atching the program a%ter that.

Dormally Annie $old rather spend her evening alone in her room! bt she $as %eeling sort o% antsy that

day. (he considered reading bt the center had very %e$ good digital boo#s and most o% them $ere



44

consolidated versions. (he didnt nderstand the matration centers aversion to %lllength novels. -t $as as i%

they didnt have %aith in the residents attention spans and memories! or that they %eared they might not srvive

long enogh to %inish the %lllength versions.

/he constantly moving images on the $all accompanied by sporadic clapping and shots %rom the

adience eventally caght Annies attention. /here $as something odd abot the sond system in the

recreation modle. -t $as not very lod as the administrators did not $ant it over$helming the voices o% the

nrses and sta%% attending to the residents bt the sond had a #ind o% penetrating! all pervasive 5ality. Annie

imagined she cold almost %eel the sond vibrating in the %rame o% her chair. (he craned her nec# ntil it ached

ga6ing arond the room! trying to locate the spea#ers! bt cold not locate anything that matched her anti5ated

idea o% $hat a spea#er shold loo# li#e.

As Annie sat $atching (ally pretending to sip something %rom a cp $ith her pin#y etended into the air

Annies mind $andered to a time $hen she had enoyed nice $arm cps o% tea in her little hose a %e$ bloc#s

%rom the main street o% her small to$n.

Annie had lived alone a%ter her hsband had passed a$ay! bt she had never been trly alone. /here had

been a Keep$ell monitor in every room o% her home so that Adrey had been able to visally chec# on her

%rom her o$n home or $or#. Every once in a $hile Annie had been able to sddenly hear Adreys voice

saying something li#e )=o seem to be doing $ell today* and it had made her %eel secre! as i% her home itsel%

$ere loo#ing a%ter her.



4:

-t didnt seem so long ago. /hings had changed a%ter she had %allen and bro#en her hip.

/hey had sent her to the matration center so that she cold recperate. -t $as only spposed to be a

temporary stay. ;t dring therapy one day! $hile she $as $al#ing the length o% the physical therapy modle!

she had s%%ered another %all and had brised her le%t arm badly.

(he had relived the incident time and again a%ter$ard in her mind. 8hat had cased her %all9 id she trip

on something on the %loor9 id she neglect to pic# her %eet p high enogh9 8as it the thic# rbber soles on the

special shoes they had made her $ear that had caght on the %loor midstep9 (he cold mentally retrn to that

room $ith the %loor to ceiling mirrors and pictre hersel% $al#ing to$ard an old yello$y$hitehaired $oman

in the mirror $ho appeared to be coming to meet her. (he didnt see any obstacles in her $ay. /hen sddenly

she $as do$n on the %loor and her arm hrt li#e bla6es.

-t $as a%ter that %all that they had all ganged p on her the sta%% at the center! the doctor! her o$n daghter

all insisting that it $as nsa%e %or her to live alone. (he shold stay on at 8interhaven $here she $old get

arondthecloc# care. -t $old be a big relie% %or Adrey $ho apparently had been spending mch o% her time

$orrying abot Annies $ellbeing. Annie hadnt reali6ed it $as sch a strain to chec# in $ith her on the

monitor once in a $hile bt Adrey acted as i% it $ere. As Adrey told the doctor abot it Annie had been able

to see tears $elling in her daghters big bro$n eyes and it had made her heart melt. (o she had done the

sel%less thing and given in. And no$ she $as condemned to eternal It Sounds Like rerns i% she %ond her tiny!

bare room too dismal and depressing to endre.



4<

7r $as she9 Annies eyes darted arond the room. /here $as ?arion @ordon bt $here $as her cohort!

,aroline "aynor9 All told there $ere only eleven residents in the room and none o% them $as spindly ,aroline

$ith her ermine bro$n hair. 'o$ cold she %ind ot $hat had happened to ,aroline9

As i% in ans$er to her silent 5estion! a glyder sddenly appeared on her le%t. /he somnolentloo#ing

occpant o% the chair $as n%amiliar to Annie bt she #ne$ the attendant directing it. elores had $avy blac#

hair and a dar#! even compleion. (he $as no more than abot %ive %eet tall and $as heavyset! her generos

%igre sggesting po$er! rather li#e a %ootball player. (he $as otgoing $ith the residents bt her voice

sometimes too# on a hard edge. ?ost o% the residents called her ee bt Annie had never %ond her so

endearing that she %elt com%ortable sing her nic#name.

)elores! $hat happened to ,aroline "aynor9* Annie as#ed.

)8ho9* elores as#ed as she adsted the glyder and engaged the electronic bra#es.

),aroline "aynor! yo #no$!* Annie repeated! )?arions %riend.*

elores seemed con%sed %or a moment! and then she blrted )7h! Care-o-line! ,aroline had a stro#e

yesterday and shes at the hospital. -t $as pretty badC $ere not sre $hen shell be bac# at the center.*

$ stroke! Annie had to try hard to sppress her grin. -t $as not that she $ished ,aroline "aynor any harm!

she $asnt that mercenary. ;t no$ ?arion $as le%t $ith no one to second her It Sounds Like vote. ?aybe her



4B

tyranny cold be broght to an end at last

)- $ant the residents to vote on $hat program $ere going to $atch!* Annie told elores.

elores loo#ed at her as i% she had started spea#ing in a %oreign tonge. )=o $ant $hat9* she as#ed.

)- $ant yo to ta#e a vote to see $hat program $ere going to $atch!* Annie said a bit loder! sing the

tone she sally reserved %or the other residents. 8as elores hard o% hearing or did she st not reali6e that

there $ere other programs available since they had been $atching this one %or so long9

elores glanced arond the room. )Everybodys happy $atching (ally do her thing!* she prononced.

Annie brie%ly scanned the room hersel%. 'appy9 /he only one loo#ing at the screen $ith any apparent

interest $as ?arion. /he other residents seemed to be in their o$n little $orlds.

)Please! ee!* Annie proceeded! %lattering her by sing her nic#name! )please ta#e a vote.*

elores sighed. )8hat is it yo $ant to $atch9* she as#ed.

/his thre$ Annie %or a loop. -t had been so long since she had seen anything besides It Sounds Like that

she had no idea $hat her options $ere. Inable to come p $ith any concrete sggestion! Annie mttered

)Anything else.*



4>

elores gave her a hard loo# and then santered to the %ront o% the room. )&ood evening! everybody!* she

said lodly! glaring at the residents one by one to try to get their attention. /his elicited little response. )8eve

had a re5est to vote on $hat sho$ yore going to $atch. Do$! anyone $ho $ants to #eep $atching It Sounds

Like raise yor hand.*

?arion @ordans arm immediately rose to an appropriate levelC high enogh to be noticeable $ithot

appearing to be too eager. Annie scanned the room pensively. Done o% the other residents moved.

)Anyone else $ant to $atch It Sounds Like9* elores as#ed.

/here $as no other response. Annies ecitement gre$. 8as she going to scceed in $iping that blasted

grinning mime %rom the $all9

)8ho $ants to $atch anything else9* elores as#ed! $ith a hint o% sarcasm.

Annies hand shot p. Dormally a bit sha#y! sch $as her determination that she concentrated on holding

her arm per%ectly still! as i% style $old increase the vale to her vote. (he loo#ed arond the room.

7nce again no one else moved. 8hat $old happen i% the voting $as a tie9

)"aise yor hand! come on! someone please raise yor hand!* Annie mttered nder her breath.



:0

(till no one moved. )Any other votes to $atch something else9* elores as#ed do$n %ront.

),ome on! come on! please!* Annie pleaded 5ietly. (he glanced at the $oman in the glyder net to her.

/he $oman $as shrn#en and %olded in on hersel% li#e dehydrated %rit. 'er limbs $ere motionless. (he

seemed to be staring do$n at her lap. /here $old be no help %rom that 5arter.

)7#ay! the vote is tied. 8ell leave it as it is!* elores declared abrptly! moving a$ay to$ard the sta%%

room in order to avoid a con%rontation $ith Annie.

A tie meant ?arion @ordan still $on 8hat #ind o% a democracy $as this9 idnt her vote matter as mch

as ?arions9 (holdnt she at least get to $atch another channel %or a little $hile9

Annie told hersel% bitterly that she shold have #no$n better than to thin# she cold bc# the system. (ally

?onroes largerthanli%e image on the $all tanted her $ith a broad grin. Annie rose slo$ly to her %eet and

began the long! tedios tre# bac# to her barren room.



:1

,hapter <

*e walked away with my em#ty glass.

Annie $as bac# in oghertys Pb! or more speci%ically! (ophia $as. (he stood staring a%ter the msician

$ho $as $al#ing a$ay! head bobbing! carrying her empty oversi6ed martini glass.

I noticed he had #laced his guitar back in its case lying o#en on the floor. I watched over it for him while

he got our drinks knowing instinctively how much the instrument must mean to him. +hen he returned he said

(%hanks for kee#ing an eye on 1ill.)

(1ill/ 5id you name it after an old girlfriend/) I asked" fearful that he might still be emotionally

entangled with some other girl.

(I figured I had to name it 0 a lot of famous guitarists name their aes. I named mine after the girl in the

nursery rhyme" you know" 1ack and 1ill +ent =# the *ill/)

I must have looked at him ske#tically" because he continued to e#lain. (I never believed they were just

fetching a bucket of water! ,ut 1ill stuck with 1ack" even when he fell down. %hats loyalty. ,esides 1ill is a

good" generic name. Some guitarists name their guitars as if they were some kind of beast or something but I

think guitars are definitely female.)



:2

(*ows that/) I asked" mainly to draw out the conversation. I mean" #hysically many guitars have a

rounded" hour-glass sort of sha#e and I assumed that was what he meant by his remark.

(Guitars are com#le like women") Shane e#lained. (If you treat them right things can be awesome but

if you do something wrong things can &uickly turn sour.)

+e stood awkwardly for a moment. +ell" I felt awkward8 Shane seemed to be #erfectly at ease si##ing on

his drink. I admired that about him8 he always seemed very comfortable within himself" at least at that #oint in

his life.

Suddenly ,arry came u# from behind me. (7ou about ready" Shane/ +hos this/) ,arry asked" frankly

a##raising me with his eyes 0 his really ama'ing eyes. ,ut I could sense his insincerity and knew how

dangerous it would be to fall for him.

A male %igre approached (ophia and her msician %riend. /his mans eyes bla6ed li#e gemstones nder

e$elrystore lighting. Annie epected (ophia to have to shield her eyes to protect them %rom their brilliance.

(%his is $nn") Shane said by way of introduction. ($nn" this is ,arry" our illustrious lead singer.) *is

#ronunciation of illustrious was a bit sardonic" but ,arry didnt seem to notice.

(Its a #leasure to meet you") I said" rather flatly. I didnt want Shane thinking I was interested in ,arry.



:3

Shane later told me he was always cautious about women he met at #erformances because they were often just

using him to land an introduction to ,arry.

(5o you live around here/) ,arry asked" with a warm smile. (aybe you could show me around later.)

I had e#ected him to be conceited" but asking me out right in front of Shane seemed #articularly low. (,y

the time youre done #laying there will be nothing o#en in town - they roll u# the sidewalks #retty early here.

,esides" I already have #lans") I re#lied" looking meaningfully at Shane. *e smiled shee#ishly in res#onse.

(aybe some other time" then") ,arry said" unfa'ed. (7ou ready" Shane/)

Soon I was once more hemmed in by the crowd which a##eared to have grown larger. aileys ,omets

#layed for almost an hour and I was once again blown away by Shanes thoughtful and inventive renderings on

the guitar. +hen he was really immersed in the music he would get this e#ression on his face 0 his eyelids

would close or nearly close" his eyes mere unfocused slits" his other features would go slack" he was totally

unselfconscious" as if he were eisting in a world a#art" his symbiotic relationshi# with his instrument would

become something sensual" he wasnt #laying music so much as becoming one with his guitar. +atching him I

sensed his dee# #assion and was flustered by it. y cheeks flushed as I stood there staring" feeling like a

naughty voyeur.

$t the end of this second set" when the other band members moved out for a break" Shane held his ground

and readjusted the micro#hone.



:+

(;ow with your kind indulgence 0 and I have noticed your indulgence is very kind this evening 0 I would

like to #erform a few of my original songs for you") he said. *e surrendered 1ill to her case and #roduced a

somewhat battered acoustic guitar from another. %o my ama'ement he #roceeded to sing while accom#anying

himself on the acoustic guitar. Some of the crowd fell away but many others stayed to listen.

=# to that #oint the band had been #laying their version of #o#ular rock songs" mostly music suitable for

dancing 9although if anyone were dancing that night it was somewhere beyond the sea of #eo#le where I

couldnt see them:. %he music Shane #roceeded to #lay alone was slower" more melodic - folk music. *is lyrics

were haunting and full of interesting imagery. I listened s#ellbound. %he bands music had been nothing more

than a com#etent imitation of other bands of the day but this was genuine talent. It blew me away.

(ophia stood spellbond $atching the msician sporadically strm his gitar! his moth a blr o%

movement. (mall msical notes seemed to be emanating %rom his throat as $ell as %rom the vibrating gitar

strings. /here $as no one else visible on the Li%evie$er screen! no cro$d present as there had been in real li%e.

7ddly this seemed appropriate to Annie since it had been a personal moment even thogh they had been in the

midst o% a cro$d.

+hen Shane #erformed his own music it was as if he were dis#laying a totally different side of his

#ersonality. +hile he had #layed rock I had been struck by the #hysical sensuality of his #erformance. ;ow I

was im#ressed by the intricacies of his mind8 the words so rich in imagery" the non-ty#ical subjects he had

memoriali'ed" the seamless way he had mated words and melody. %hough we had at that #oint s#oken to each



:4

other very little" I felt as though I were &uickly getting to know him through his musicianshi#.

$fter the first song the a##lause from the smaller crowd seemed more enthusiastic to me than it had been

for the full band when the crowds numbers were larger. +hen Shane glanced over at me I was #ositively

beaming at him as if somehow I shared in his victory. I had never bonded with anyone as &uickly as I bonded

with Shane.

*e #layed two more original songs each as wonderful as the first though each decidedly different. +hen

he finally #ut down his guitar and walked over to me again I was nearly s#eechless. (7ou were ama'ing") I

babbled" (just ama'ing.) I had an im#ulse to embrace him but held back" sensing it was too soon for such

familiarity. I reali'ed that although I had come to feel close to him through his music I was still just a stranger

to him.

(%hanks") he said" (the fingering on that last song could have been a bit smoother. Im still refining it")

he added" as if his music were some #recious ore.

I hadnt noticed anything amiss with his #erformance. $s I was to learn" Shane was always his own

harshest critic. (It sounded absolutely #erfect to me") I said. (7ou wrote those songs yourself/)

(7es. Ive been dabbling at songwriting for a cou#le of years now. y #arents would rather I dabbled at

full-time em#loyment") he added" wryly.



::

(Its ama'ing") I re#eated again" the only a##ro#riate word that came to my vodka-and-Galliano-soaked

mind. ,ridgets boyfriends drinks were definitely #otent" still affecting me almost an hour after I had finished

drinking my last.

(+ould you like another drink/) Shane asked" as if reading my mind.

f course it would have been wiser to refuse but I was not in the mood to be wise just then. $lcohol made

me more outgoing and I wanted to make a #ositive im#ression on Shane. (Sure" Ill have another") I re#lied

gaily" once more handing him my em#ty glass.

%he bar was crowded and Shane had barely enough time to deliver my fresh drink before ,arry beckoned

him for their last set of the evening. %his time I felt like the crowd around me was hel#ing to hold me u# as I

took fre&uent si#s from my glass" never taking my eyes off of Shane. *e glanced at me a time or two with a grin

that set my heart fluttering. I couldnt wait for the evening to end so we could finally be alone together. *is

musical #rowess had won my heart but now it was kee#ing us from getting better ac&uainted.

(ophia stood $atching the msicians per%orm literally propped p bet$een members o% the cro$d $ith a

besotted smile on her %ace and $hat appeared to be a btter%ly %lttering in her chest. (he sipped %re5ently

%rom her large martini glass. 'er smile seemed to increase in si6e in proportion to the decreasing level o% the

li5id in her glass.

f course when the set ended Shane couldnt just leave. *e had to hel# take down the various stands and



:<

other e&ui#ment and hel# haul everything out to ,arrys dila#idated van. It turned out they had all come in the

one van and since I didnt have a car I was afraid Shane would have to leave with the rest of them. *e lived in

a town about a thirty-minute drive away. ,ut there would be a train in the morning he could take that would

bring him within a cou#le of miles of home so he was willing to stay. ,esides" ,arry had managed to #ick u# a

flamboyant blonde in #latform shoes and a tight sweater and with her added feminine bulk they were short of

s#ace. It wasnt clear to me whether they were going to dro# her at her home or if she was making the tri# all

the way back to their hometown with them. She didnt seem to care much where she was going as long as she

was with ,arry. She ke#t grinning at him full-bore even when he wasnt #aying any attention to her which was

most of the time. I felt sorry for her" certain she was in for a letdown.

I had not really thought this out and had no idea where Shane and I could go when the van #ulled away

and we were finally alone. %here was no way to sneak him into my dorm room without risking e#ulsion from

school. %he night air was still fairly warm but it had cooled off somewhat and I was not dressed a##ro#riately.

Shane #ut his jean jacket over my shoulders. It smelled of stale cologne with a hint of motor oil. It seemed very

manly and I liked wearing it. It made me feel like one of Shanes #ossessions.

(ophia $al#ed contentedly net to a male %igre $ith a large ac#et draped abot her sholders! a

container o% motor oil stic#ing ot o% the poc#et. /hey seemed to repeatedly pass the same store%ront $ith an

illegible name painted on the dar#ened $indo$.

I have always been taller than most females and always felt unfeminine net to most men. ,ut Shane was

so tall I felt #ositively #etite net to him. I liked this feeling so much I im#ulsively #ut my hand in his. *is



:B

fingers were long and his hands were smooth" ece#t for the callouses on his fingerti#s from #laying guitar.

%hey also seemed very #hysical and manly to me.

+e walked to the #ark a cou#le of blocks away from the college. It was against the law to be there at that

time of night but I doubted the #olice would do anything other than shoo us out if we were caught.

+e sat on swings net to each other and continued holding hands. +e talked about many things but not in

a rush. ne of us would make an observation or ask a &uestion and after a short res#onse we would be silent

for a while. +e just enjoyed being together and sharing the magical night that so many others were missing out

on by being home aslee#.

(ophia and the msician sat sidebyside on some s$ings! heads trned to$ard each other $ith sblimely

contented smiles on their %aces! the s$ings roc#ing gently bac# and %orth per%ectly in synch.

I started having a bit of a headache" the legacy from my *arvey +allbangers and the lack of more solid

sustenance. 5inner had been a cheese sandwich swallowed hastily many hours earlier.

(ophia loo#ed li#e she $as naseos. (ddenly cartoon hammers appeared above her! s$inging throgh

the air as a visal indication that her head ached.

I acknowledged the headache and was able to just ignore it. It wasnt nearly as im#ortant as Shane and I

at the moment.



:>

+e sat there for maybe an hour before our first kiss. Its #relude was innocuous enough8 I had just told

Shane my im#ressions of college life. +hen the kiss ha##ened it seemed mutual" as if we both moved toward

each other at the same time. ur li#s met and I felt such acute longing for him that I could have almost

moaned aloud. I kissed him hungrily" greedily. *e #ulled away for just a moment as if taken aback by the

intensity of my kisses before returning my ardor in more e&ual measure. I had never wanted anyone as badly as

I wanted Shane that night - whether it was due to the fresh s#ring air" the *arvey +allbangers" the lingering

memories of his lyrics and melodies or a combination of all three I couldnt really say.

(ophias moth $as pressed so tightly against that o% a male %igre that their t$o rond %aces seemed to

ma#e a %igre B at a ninetydegree angle. ?ore accrately! it reminded Annie o% a pair o% bttoc#s. (he $as

being mooned by the Li%evie$er

$nd there was nowhere for us to go! +e couldnt go to the dorm and neither of us had a car and even if

wed had enough money we could not have gotten away with renting a hotel room in that era and in that small

town. +e couldnt risk doing much in the #ark" getting caught at that in the #ark after curfew would have been

a serious matter.

+e moved to a less cons#icuous #lace behind some bushes but we didnt dare lie down or significantly

dislocate any clothing in case a #oliceman came around. +e had to be satisfied with long kisses and tentative

touches that sent electricity surging through me.



<0

Lightning bolts crac#led arond the sitting %igres o% (ophia and her bea as they toched each other in a

gingerly %ashion! almost %ear%lly. -t loo#ed li#e an innocent game o% tag (ophia tapped the msicians

sholder! he responded by ndging her elbo$ ecept that $ith each toch they echanged there $as a little

spar# o% electricity. 8eird.

Long before morning we found ourselves at the train station. +e had decided I would travel back to

Shanes home with him. *e had a room of his own in the basement of his #arents house. *e would go in first

and let me in at the window. %here was a lock on his door8 we would just need to be &uiet. I avoided asking him

if he had done something similar before with some other girl or girls. I didnt really want to know.

It turned into a cool but sunny morning and I was glad to be wearing Shanes jacket. *e must have been

cold himself but he never com#lained. $ bakery across the street from the train station o#ened shortly before

the first train was due to arrive. I ran across the street and bought us a cou#le of sticky buns. In the bustle of

the #revious night Shane had neglected to collect his share of the bands #ay from ,arry and barely had

enough money on him for his ticket home. %he buns were still warm and I was so hungry by then that anything

would have tasted wonderful. %o be economical I had #urchased one large coffee and the girl had reluctantly

given me an etra cu# so that Shane and I could share it.

(ophia and the msician each held a large $hite cp in one hand. 8ith their other they each held s$irly

obects that they seemed to be strggling to separate. 8hen they %inally managed to get the obects apart! a

thic#! honeyli#e sbstance stretched bet$een them. /hey $ere the )stic#iest* bns Annie had ever seen.



<1

%he train rolled into the station as we were finishing u# our meal. +e hurriedly dum#ed our garbage into

the nearest trash can and scurried onto the train. I was disa##ointed at first when I sat down and instead of

sitting net to me Shane #o##ed into the seat in front of me. *e turned around to face me over the backrest.

(Good morning" $nnie Gaylan") he said cheerfully.

I couldnt hel# but smile. Shane had started calling me $nnie sometime during the night and I liked the

familiarity of it. In my family I had always been just #lain ($nn). y father had had a #articularly austere

way of #ronouncing my name that had always made me feel vaguely guilty of some wrongdoing. (Good

morning") I re#lied.

(*ow are you today/) Shane asked.

%ired" I thought" tired to death and my head still hurts from the vodka and Galliano! ,ut sur#risingly

ha##y. (Im good") I said aloud" (and how are you/)

(Incredible") he declared" (theres no #lace else Id rather be right now and all is right with the world!)

I was trying to think of a clever re#ly when the conductor came to collect our fares. *e frowned at Shane

for kneeling on the seat instead of sitting more conventionally" as if he were damaging the train with his bony

knees. $fter #aying for his ticket Shane came and sat net to me. *e took my hand in his and I couldnt hel#

beaming. $ll $as right with the world.



<2

(ophia and her %riend sat side by side holding hands and smiling as cartoon trees and hoses %lashed past

the $indo$ o% their train car. /heir %igres bobbed p and do$n slightly to indicate that the train $as indeed in

motion.

+e talked about all sorts of things as the suburban scenery raced by. Something odd ha##ened when

Shane asked me what I wanted to be. I was majoring in accounting in college and had #lanned on becoming a

C3$" but when Shane asked me I &uickly re#lied (an interior decorator)" just like that.

I was sur#rised I had not reali'ed it before. I was always browsing in the housewares sections of stores

and #icking u# knickknacks and throw #illows and #ictures for the walls of my dorm room. I was disa##ointed

we were not allowed to #aint the walls. y room at home had been just about every color from #ale yellow to

burgundy during my years in residence. I had always been seeking just the right combination of colors" the

right tetures for the beds#read and dra#es.

I did not know it at the time but coming to this reali'ation was a mied blessing. I was almost through with

my third year of college and well on my way to my accounting degree. $ change in career choice at this #oint

meant that I had wasted a considerable amount of money" money I had yet to re#ay on my student loans" not to

mention the time wasted learning about 6I6 and LI6 and how to calculate the cost of goods sold. ,ut I

wasnt concerned with these considerations on my train ride that morning with Shane. I was ecited to discover

what I really wanted to be" it was a beautiful Saturday morning and I was with someone I was coming to care

for more and more as the miles disa##eared beneath us. +e were headed toward the future together.



<3

It was after we reached the train station near Shanes house that my fatigue really set in. I was not used to

being u# all night" the sticky bun and sugared coffee had given me a caffeine>sugar rush that had ended

abru#tly and I felt like a 'ombie walking along the &uiet streets with Shane. *e seemed not to notice that I had

suddenly grown silent and #rovided enough conversation for both of us along the way.

(ophia trdged silently along behind a male %igre $ith bags beneath her vacant eyes and a blan#

epression on her %ace. (he loo#ed paler too! li#e a 6ombie in a monster movie. Annie hal% epected her to pt

her arms ot straight in %ront o% her and to start $al#ing $ith a shambling gait.

Shane #ointed out various landmarks. %here was the elementary school he had attended. I always think

schools look sad and abandoned on week-ends" waiting for the customary bustle and #andemonium to start u#

again. %here was the veterinary clinic where Shanes family had taken their dog for treatment after he had been

gra'ed by a car. *ed suffered a broken hi# which he had eventually recovered from though he had always

moved a little awkwardly afterward. ne house" with a yard re#lete with rosebushes" was the home of his best

friend who had moved away only the #revious year. *is mothers roses had won #ri'es and everyone had taken

to calling her (2osie) although her real name was *elen.

Shane thus wiled away our time as a very #ersonal tour guide. I was interested" but could only muster u# a

smile and (mmm-hmm) in res#onse to most of his remarks.

+e were only about a block from his house when he said" (%his is where rs. ur#hy was murdered.) I

sto##ed in my tracks. It was a #leasant looking house" two stories high with light-colored bricks and #eeling



<+

+edgwood blue window shutters. %here was a beige wicker rocking chair on the welcoming front #orch. %he

scene looked so #eaceful I wondered if Shane were joking. It suddenly occurred to me that I had heard the

name rs. ur#hy somewhere recently.

(5idnt you say something about a rs. ur#hy in one of your songs last night/) I asked.

(7es" I did") he re#lied" grimly. (I was only eight when she was found dead. She was an elderly woman

who lived alone. She used to give me slices of homemade a##le #ie. %he a##les came from her tree. %hey didnt

say anything in front of me" but I heard my #arents talking about it one night when they thought I was aslee#.

Someone broke into her home" robbed her and slit her throat. $ll for a measly twenty-three dollars. 1ust down

the block from our home! %hat was the first time I reali'ed how dangerous the world could be. It had a big

im#act on me. 3utting her in my song was a sort of tribute.)

An elderly $oman $as hastily done a$ay $ith in the con%ines o% a )thoght* balloon above the male

%igres head on the Li%evie$er screen. (ophias interest had revived gone $ere the bags nder her eyes! gone

the vacant stare. (he loo#ed both alarmed and sad at the same time! her eyes $ide circles glistening $ith

nshed tears.

(*ow do the words to the song go/) I asked" ga'ing at the du#licitous house.

(In a world gone wrong may there still be

$ neighbor with an a##le tree



<4

,ranches to climb and #ies to eat

$s good as rs. ur#hys") he half sang" half said.

(Im sure she would be #leased that you remembered her") I said" taking a last look at rs. ur#hys

house" silently thanking God that I had never been e#osed to the ty#e of brutality that had visited there.

Soon we came to Shanes house. It was also a two-story brick home but with sun-bleached brown fascia.

%here was a circular area of soil to one side of the yard surrounded by bricks. It was obviously meant for

flowers but was at that #oint still barren. Some s#arse bushes s&uatted beneath the am#le front window. %he

dra#es were still drawn. It must have been around eight-thirty in the morning but so far no one seemed to be

stirring about the #lace.

Shane whis#ered in my ear" (Come around back" and be &uiet. uch de#ends u#on your silence!) I stifled

a giggle. *e had a way of making corny remarks seem funny" or maybe they just seemed funny to me because of

my affection for him.

/he Li%evie$er $as slo$ly removed and Annie $as sddenly loo#ing into @les $arm eyes. (he almost

blshed as he smiled at her. )/ime %or lnch! Annie. - hope yo $ere a good girl and thoght abot yor

daghters early years li#e yo $ere instrcted.*

)8ell! - tried to bt... - got distracted!* Annie eplained! loo#ing %lstered.



<:

)7h! Annie! yo st cant stop thin#ing abot the love o% yor li%e 8hat did he have that - dont have9*

@les teased her as he helped her ot o% the chair.

)/ime to dedicate to me!* Annie teased bac#! )yo have to split yor time amongst all yor girl%riends.*

)/here are a %e$ male residents here as $ell! Annie!* @les pointed ot.

)7h! - dont even $ant to hear abot $hat #ind o% relationship yo have $ith them* Annie o#ed!

srprising hersel% as $ell as @les! $ho loo#ed startled be%ore brea#ing into a lagh. /his ba$dy

lightheartedness mst have stemmed %rom her memories o% (hane. ?aybe this Li%evie$er thing was bene%icial!

a%ter all.



<<

,hapter B

/he doctor had been loo#ing at her silently %or some time! and Annie %ond it very disconcerting.

)8hy am - here9* she %inally gave in enogh to as#.

)8hy do you thin# yore here9* r. (trayer contered.

)- havent been cloa#ing dring L/(. -ve been thin#ing abot genine events in my li%e as they really

happened. - havent been gilty o% cloa#ing in $ee#s!* Annie insisted.

)Do one said yove been cloa#ing! no one at all!* r. (trayer said. );t yo have been doing something

else! havent yo Annie9*

(he #ne$ $hat he $as getting at. (he $as gilty o% thin#ing abot $hat she $anted to thin# abot! not

$hat they $anted her to thin# abot. (he $as psetting their plans and rining their %inished prodct to o%%er to

her descendants a%ter she passed a$ay. Adrey $oldnt $ant a memoir that concerned nothing other than

Annies early days $ith (hane. (he $oldnt ma#e a generos donation to the center %or that .

)- #no$ yo $ant me to thin# abot the years $hen my daghter $as gro$ing p and - havent been!*

Annie conceded.



<B

r. (trayer contined to peer at her $ithot blin#ing. )8hat do yo thin# happens i% yo stay %ocsed on

st a %e$ instances %rom yor past9* he as#ed simply.

If theyre the right instances" it #robably makes you feel ha##y and fulfilled" she thoght. )8hat happens9*

she as#ed alod.

)8hat do you thin# happens9* he as#ed again! boncing the ball bac# into her cort.

(he sighed. )=o %ail to deal $ith yor li%e in toto"* she ha6arded! )and yo become emotionally

lopsided.*

r. (trayer startled Annie by bringing his palm do$n on his des# $ith a bang. )Eactly /hat is eactly

right. =o are obviosly avoiding thin#ing abot times yo %ond di%%iclt in some $ay. Intil yo %ocs on

them and bring them to a resoltion they $ill contine to troble yo!* he prononced.

)8ell! yes! there $ere di%%iclt times... bt they did come to a resoltion. - lived throgh it and Adrey is

an adlt and its over and done $ith!* Annie pointed ot.

)/here $ill be no closre ntil yo thin# these things throgh again! maybe more than once!* r. (trayer

advised. )ont yo see that it is the best thing %or yo to do9* 'e stared intently into her eyes! as i% to

hypnoti6e her into doing his biding.



<>

)- sppose it $old be best!* Annie lied! disconcerted by his ga6e. );t cant - ever thin# abot the times

in my li%e that I $ant to remember9 /hin#ing abot the good times is more satis%ying than thin#ing abot the

bad.*

)Do one said yo can never thin# abot them!* r. (trayer said! )bt yo need to have balance. &ood and

bad! yin and yang.*

Annie almost laghed. Do$ this 5ac# $as trying oriental $isdom on her ;t she had to placate him or

he $old perhaps insist on more o% these personal sessions $ith her. Li%e $as too short at this point to $aste it

in r. (trayers arid o%%ice.

)7#ay! tomorro$ - $ill %ocs on Adreys early years!* Annie promised.

)/hat is all $e as#!* r. (trayer said! nodding approval.

),an - go no$9* Annie as#ed! ) It Sounds Like is on in the recreation modle and - hate to miss it.*

),ertainly! Annie!* r. (trayer said! rising and opening the door %or her. )Please remember to have balance

and $e $ont need to have any more o% these meetings.*

Annie rose sha#ily to her %eet. ;eing care%l $ith balance might not be sch bad advice a%ter all 7nce she

got going she $as able to cover grond steadily ntil she stopped or hesitated! then she might need to grab onto



B0

something to stay a%oot. (o she barreled ot o% r. (trayers o%%ice $ithot pasing to say goodbye and

doggedly headed to$ard the recreation modle.

(he had begn spending some time in the recreation modle every day. As she entered she noted $ith

satis%action that there $as still no sign o% ,aroline "aynor retrning a%ter her stro#e. Dot that she didnt hope

,aroline recovered oh! $hy pretend. (he had never cared %or ,aroline and she didnt really give a %ig i% she

recovered or not. And ,aroline! or ?arion %or that matter! $old not have been all that cho#ed p i% something

had happened to her . @st becase they lived in the same matration center didnt mean they $ere cohorts in

any sense. -n some $ays being a senior citi6en in a place li#e 8interhaven $as li#e being in grade school

again! sel%centered and immatre and vying %or the teachers attention and approbation. Kids cold be

do$nright nasty to each other. (o! she sspected! cold the elderly residents o% the center i% they had had the

energy and clarity o% mind. Donetheless her cavalier %eelings abot ,arolines $ell being bothered her

conscience! a little.

(he sat do$n net to the ne$ resident! the one elores had $heeled in the day Annie had challenged

?arions spremacy. Annie had %ond ot the $omans name $as ?arissa %rom "eba! one o% Annies %avorite

attendants in spite o% her piercings and odd hairstyles and generally otlandish appearance. And althogh Annie

had been nsccess%l in getting ?arissa to spea# so %ar she $as bsy $or#ing on her every day! trying to

secre her vote to topple ?arion %rom her pantomime5eenhood.

Annie $as determined to be patient. -t might ta#e a great deal o% time bt Annie had no other $orth$hile

goal to $or# to$ard. ;esides! she $as tired o% $asting her li%e in a little $hite bo o% a room $ith no company



B1

other than the Presence Essence machine.

)'ello! ?arissa!* she said lodly! in case the $oman $as hard o% hearing! )-ts yor old %riend! Annie.

'o$ are things today9 Everybody treating yo right9 'o$ abot that @les9 -snt he a living doll9*

?arissa sat staring do$n to$ard her lap. 'er hands 5ivered $here they sat palmsp in her lap li#e t$o

stnned birds lying on their bac#s on the grond. Annie reached ot and too# one o% them in her hand. -t $as

cold and didnt respond in #ind $hen she s5ee6ed it. (he cha%ed it $ith both o% her hands. ?aybe ?arissas

circlation $as bad.

)(allys $earing a blac# and $hite chec#ed shirt today! bellbottomed blac# slac#s. (he loo#s so nice bt

yo #no$ ?arissa! shes not really that yong anymore. (hes not really on /G anymore either! she retired long

ago. (he probably loo#s li#e s $ell! maybe a little better than s! i% she ever had that plastic srgery problem

%ied. (he cold a%%ord to have it %ied i% she $anted to. And she probably has enogh money so she isnt in a

center li#e this! or i% she is shes in one o% the %ancy sites. /hey have those here yo #no$! p on the seventh

%loor. Dot that -ve ever seen them bt yo hear things. From the attendants! mainly. /he other residents dont

#no$ $hats really going on arond here!* Annie con%ided.

Annie glanced p at the image on the $all o% (ally per%orming some enigmatic tas#. )Dobody here even

#no$s $hat that $oman is doing p there ecept maybe ?arion @ordan. ?ost people here coldnt come p

$ith the soltion to the rond i% it $as printed in %ive %oot high letters on the screen. (o $hats the point o% it

all9 Doise and motion! motion and noise. ;ac#grond to or empty! solitary lives. ;t not s! ?arissa!* Annie



B2

reassred her companion! s5ee6ing her still cold hand! )$e have each other %or company.*

)=o dont tal# mch so yo mst be a thin#er. - bet yore leaving a compelling record %or yor #ids on

the Li%evie$er! hh9 id yo have an eciting li%e! ?arissa9* Annie peered closely at the $omans do$n

trned pro%ile. (he seemed to have %ine %eatresC she might have been a loo#er once. )id yo give and receive

love! ?arissa9 id yo have any regrets9 8e all do! $e all do! dear!* Annie said! consolingly.

)8hat are yo al$ays abbering abot! Annie9*

Annie started! thin#ing ?arissa had begn to spea#. ;t it $as only elores! glyding p another resident.

)?arissa hasnt said a $ord since she came here. =ore $asting yor breath!* elores advised.

)?arissas my girl%riend! ee!* Annie replied. (he al$ays sed the nic#name %or the attendant no$!

sometimes a bit sarcastically. )(he and - have all #inds o% secrets.*

)- bet yo do! - bet yo do!* elores replied! loc#ing the glyder $heels. /heir ne$ companion $as in an

".7.E. i.e. "ichly 7ygenated EnvironmentM. 'idden ets in the %rame o% the glyder $ere casing her hair to

%ly this $ay and that as i% she $ere in the midst o% a $indstorm. (omeone! probably elores! had pt her hair in

a lopsided ponytail bt the ets o% the ".7.E. $ere strong enogh to have dislodged some o% it by the time they

had reached the recreation modle. /he $omans arms $ere slightly raised as i% she $old %i her %lya$ay hair

i% she cold only manage to reach it. (he $as %ro$ning as sternly as i% shed ingested some o% the centers

in%amos hambrger ba#e. (he tried to say something bt her voice $as $ea# and the hiss o% the ets managed



B3

to dro$n ot her remar#.

Annie $as glad as al$ays that she didnt need oygen. -n spite o% $or#ing $ith paints! lac5ers and other

toic materials most o% her adlt li%e her lngs $ere %ine her problem $as $ith her heart. ;t medication

seemed to #eep it in chec#.

8hat had she ever done! she $ondered! to end p in this place! srronded by elderly misery o% every

stripe st becase she had %allen once dring a physical therapy session9 -n her minds eye she cold still see

her re%lection gro$ing larger and larger in the %ll length mirror as she approached it then sddenly she $as

do$n on the %loor. 8hy had she %allen9 8hy9

(omething $hite sddenly appeared in her peripheral vision to her right. (he glanced p. "eba $as trying

to hand her a small bag o% popped corn! the #ind $ith no hlls.

"ebas hair $as an oddly pin# shade and $as ct in $hat $old have been called a bob $hen Annie $as

little. (he had piercings in her lip and eyebro$ and a ro$ o% them going p each ear. (he $ore green lipstic#

that day. -n spite o% all this she had a cte %ace and a $elcome smile $hich she $as displaying %or Annie.

)Popcorn! Annie9* she as#ed.

)8hats the occasion9* Annie as#ed! ta#ing the bag. /he contents $ere yello$y indicating the presence o%

some #ind o% %at. Annie began scar%ing it do$n hngrily. (he still had not adsted to the igest ,omplete and



B+

al$ays %elt %amished.

)-ts nothing special. 8e sally have popcorn on ?ovie Dight 8ednesdays!* "eba eplained.

ovie ;ight +ednesdays/ Annie mst not have been coming to the recreation modle a %ll $ee# yet! she

didnt remember this %rom be%ore. )o $e really $atch a movie9* she as#ed! hope%lly.

)8ell! $e sally do!* "eba eplained! )bt theres some technical problem tonight so $ell probably st

be $atching It Sounds Like.*

ovie night +ednesdays/ /hat meant that Annie $old have to endre a Li%evie$er session the net day

and relive Adreys childhood.

Annie rose and started her rolling dash to$ard her room! popcorn bag cltched tightly in her right %ist. (he

had better get some rest so she cold concentrate. (he didnt $ant to end p in r. (trayers o%%ice again.



B4

,hapter >

%he #ros#ect of what lay ahead sufficed to #erk me u# a bit in s#ite of my having been u# all night. I

remembered those e&uisite kisses in the #ark and the touch of Shanes hands on my body" albeit through my

clothing. *e led me around the back of his familys house with my arm loo#ed through his like a train car

cou#led to an engine.

(ophia sh%%led behind an indistinct male %igre li#e a child playing caboose. (he $ore a merry grin as

thogh she enoyed being in his company.

Annie cold not bear to banish (hane completely dring her net session in the Li%evie$er. ;t she

planned to thin# o% him %or only a short $hile and then to move on to more recent events to satis%y r. (trayer.

%here was a two and half car garage behind the house with an ugly sunshine yellow Gremlin #arked in

front of it. Gremlins were odd looking cars with a hatchback of sorts. %he car manufacturers idea of sunshine

yellow was actually a #ale beigeish tint that made the car etremely bland looking.

%his car was used by Shanes mother to get to work. She worked in the office at the local grade school" the

one Shane had #ointed out to me on our walk from the train station.

Shane sto##ed in front of a window well. (%hats my room") he said" #ointing at the window" (I know it

may not look it but its easy to get in and out of the window. Ive used it to go $+L many times. Ill go inside



B:

and o#en it for you.) *e gave me a &uick" sweet kiss and walked away.

I felt awkward standing there waiting for him to o#en the window like a burglar about to be discovered in

the act of breaking into a home. %he barking of a dog net door alarmed me. If I ho#ed for any future with

Shane" and even at that early stage I #robably did" I knew it would not be good if Shanes #arents came across

me waiting outside of their sons window. %hey would think I had loose morals and was not the kind of woman

they would want for their son. It seemed like ages before his window o#ened out as if beckoning to me.

(Sit on the glass and slide down") Shane instructed" (Ill hel# sto# you.)

I #erched at the to# of the window and stretched out my legs. Immediately Shane gras#ed them. I held onto

the edges of the window well and slid slowly downward. $s my legs descended" Shanes hands slid u# my thighs

under my skirt causing a delicious thrill to run through me. y feet almost immediately came to rest ato# a low

two-shelf bookcase. Shane instructed me to sit ato# the bookcase. nce I did it was easy for him to hel# me

down to the floor.

(ophia slid do$n the $indo$ as smoothly as i% it $ere the slide %rom Annies grade school. Annie coldnt

help thin#ing as the msicians hands ran p (ophias legs that it loo#ed more li#e a pat do$n at the airport than

an arosing toch.

Shanes room was cluttered with books and #osters of musicians and had a basketball hoo# on the back of

the door. *is full-si'ed bed had no headboard and was unmade with a comfortable-looking #ile of blankets"



B<

sheets and a dark #aisley beds#read hea#ed u#on it. ;ot much light made it through the two #artly below-

grade windows and the solitary light bulb bla'ing in his old-fashioned floor lam# did not do much to dis#el the

gloom in his co'y nest of a room.

(I like it") I told Shane" turning toward him. I hadnt reali'ed he had been following me so closely. *e

immediately took me in his arms and gave me an ama'ing kiss. I kissed him back" longingly and lingeringly.

(ophia and her %riend $ere so tightly ent$ined in their embrace their t$o %igres almost literally became

one rather lmpy one li#e some ne$ species o% animal.

,ut suddenly I became aware of someone banging on the door" accom#anied by an urgent whis#er.

(Shane... Shane" I know youre in there. Come on" o#en u#!)

Shane #ulled away from me slightly. (Its my brother" 5anny") he e#lained" (Ill have to see what he

wants.) *e headed toward the door. I looked around the room trying to find somewhere to hide.

Shane noticed my confusion. (5annys cool" dont worry about him") he said" o#ening the door.

5annys hair was much tamer than Shanes" but otherwise they had similarly sha#ed faces and they had

those dark eyes and weak chins in common. 5anny a##eared to be slightly younger than Shane. *is eyes

darted from Shane to me" then &uickly reverted to his brother.



BB

A slightly shorter version o% (ophias boy%riend appeared on the Li%evie$er screen li#e a small clone.

(ince he $as not a msician his head did not bob p and do$n li#e her boy%riends did.

(Im sorry" Shay" but we have to get over to the *amiltons. %hey were e#ecting us first thing this

morning") 5anny said.

(%his morning/) Shane re#eated. *e let out a large sigh. (Im sorry" $nnie") he added" looking my way.

(5anny and I have to go do some yard work down the block. Its how we make money. I forgot all about it.)

(Ive got everything in my car") 5anny said" (and theres coffee u#stairs. Grab a cu# and lets get going.)

(*old on" hold on") Shane #rotested. (I need to talk to $nnie a minute. ,y the way $nnie" this is my rude

brother" 5anny.)

(*i") 5anny said" his eyes somewhat averted as if he were either shy or embarrassed by the

circumstances in which he found himself.

(Ill be out in a minute") Shane #romised and #ushed 5anny gently out the door.

nce we were alone again he turned to me. 2emembering his embrace it seemed suddenly like he was a

mile away.



B>

(I have to do this. I #romised I would and 5anny could never handle it all by himself. Im so sorry. 5o you

want us to dro# you off at the train station/) he asked.

f course I had that biology final to study for and Shane was heading off for what sounded like a days

worth of work. +hat was the #oint of skulking around his room while he was working/ aybe I should just

head for home. ,ut I was so tired and so hungry. $nd his rum#led bed looked inviting. (5o you have anything I

could snack on/ Im starving") I said.

(I could grab something in the kitchen for you to eat on the train ride") Shane re#lied.

(Could you bring it to me here/) I asked. (%hen I could take a na# while you work and be waiting for you

when you get through.)

It was easy to read the relief in Shanes smile. (Ill be right back with some food") he #romised.

I straightened out the bedclothes after he left the room. I made sure the window shade was down so no one

could see me from outside. I checked the door and was relieved to discover it locked from the inside. I just

ho#ed Shanes #arents would not try to get in while he was gone and bring a screwdriver or something to o#en

it with.

*e reassured me about this when he came back. (y #arents #retty much leave this #lace alone. %hats



>0

why its so messy. Its in my not-so-ca#able hands.)

*e handed me a glass of milk" a bologna sandwich on white bread and a few vanilla wafers. It reminded

me of the lunches my mother used to #ack for me to take to school. It felt like Shane was trying to take care of

me and I liked it.

(ophia sat on an nmade bed $ith generic %oodst%%s in a school lnchbo net to her. (he loo#ed content

as she n$rapped a very s5areshaped sand$ich.

(Ill be gone a while. 7ou should have #lenty of time for a good na#. If you get bored feel free to look at

my books and things. 7ou can add your comments to my notes on the cons#iracy at 2oswell. *ow long can the

government kee# hiding the truth about aliens from us/ h" and dont mess with the inflatable woman" she has

a leak somewhere. $nd dont #ractice yodeling" my mom does laundry just outside the door") Shane e#lained

&uickly" all with a straight face. *e turned to leave.

(ne more thing") I said" when I was able to sto# laughing. ,y then he was almost to the door. (+here is

the bathroom/)

(7ou need to avail yourself of it now/) he asked. I nodded my head. (Come on" Ill kee# watch") he said.

%here was a #owder room directly across from his bedroom door. *e stood at the bottom of the stairway

looking u# as I crossed over and enclosed myself in the bathroom. It was decorated in a cheerful yellow tone. I



>1

s#ent a moment looking at family #hotos hung in small frames on the bathroom walls. %here a##eared to be a

sister along with the two boys" a #retty girl who had inherited her mothers well-defined chin and blue-green

eyes. %hey a##eared to be vacation #hotos with family members in various grou#ings with woodsy

backgrounds. %he smiles all looked sincere.

%here was a scurry on the stairs and I hesitated to come out of the bathroom. ,ut then I recogni'ed

5annys voice.

(Come on" Shay" were soooo late already!) he said.

I o#ened the door and came out. Shane took my hand and led me back to his room. (Ill see you later"

sweetheart)" he whis#ered" kissing first my hand and then my tem#le.

(,e careful doing yard work. 7ou havent had any slee# you know") I reminded him. (5ont hack off any

limbs or anything.)

(1ust you get some rest") he said. (%hinking about you slee#ing in my bed will kee# me alert" believe me.)

I smiled. Shane turned and he and 5anny made their way u# the stairs. I locked myself into the safety of

his room.

I sat on the edge of the bed and &uickly finished the sandwich Shane had brought. %he bread had been



>2

thoughtfully moistened by a thin coat of butter. I di##ed the vanilla wafers in the milk even though they were

small and managed to dunk my fingers along with them. I was feeling so childlike that I thoroughly enjoyed

wolfing down the disintegrating bits of cookie.

%hen I drained the milk glass and sat it on the floor net to the bed. I lay down to find the mattress

satisfyingly soft. I covered myself with a sheet and the beds#read because even though it was fairly warm

outside it was cooler down there in the lower level of the house and it felt good to snuggle u# under the

bedclothes. I felt safe" well-fed and warm and soon found myself do'ing. I thought of Shane working down the

block and imagined him #lanting flower beds and trimming bushes. %his had the same effect as counting shee#

and before long I was sound aslee#.

(ophia lay prone $ith a silly bt contented smile on her %ace. A dream balloon above her head sho$ed a

hand planting %lo$ers one by one at a slo$ bt steady pace! as i% she $ere conting posies to help her get to

sleep.

+hile I slee# waiting for Shane to return to love me" I will grow older and remember what it was like

during $udreys childhood.

(ophia opened her eyes abrptly and got p. All traces o% her smile $ere gone. (he $as a dedicated!

pro%essional decorator.

6rom the day we brought $udrey home things were difficult. ikes mother volunteered to watch her while



>3

I was working but she neglected to follow any kind of schedule with her. I would come home from a hard day

only to find that $udrey had sle#t all afternoon and" as a result" would not go back to slee# until the wee hours

of the morning.

(ophia $al#ed bac# and %orth! bac# and %orth! $ith a bndle in her arms that cold as easily have been

landry as a baby. (he had a longs%%ering epression. /he hands on the cloc# on the $all behind her $ere

spinning to sho$ ho$ 5ic#ly the night $as passing.

I told ike we should find someone else to take care of $udrey but he wouldnt hear of it. *e didnt want to

hurt his mothers feelings and seemed to genuinely feel that $udrey was best off with her grandmother. *e

offered to stay u# with $udrey when she was unable to slee# but I stubbornly refused to let him. I guess I was

being a martyr" ho#ing to get him to take some a##ro#riate action" but it didnt work. I tried talking to Carol

and e#laining how im#ortant it was to kee# $udrey on a schedule for all our sakes but she would just smile

and say" (It will all come out in the wash)" as if $udrey were some stubborn stain.

(ophia began vigorosly scrbbing at a dar# spot on the bndle she had been holding $ith a big brsh.

/he bndle began to s5irm in protest at this rogh handling.

ike had been su##ortive as I had taken a few classes at the community college on interior decorating. I

eaggerated my e#erience a little and started u# my own interior decorating business.

,ut I had not considered what it would be like working with o#inionated #eo#le day in and day out. y



>+

clients all had strong ideas about their homes. I would s#end many long hours coming u# with a contem#orary

design for an old living room only to have my client tell me they loved it but I would somehow need to

incor#orate their grandfathers <ictorian-era desk because they couldnt bear to #art with it. r I would

com#letely finish a room and be walking around in it feeling ehilarated that everything had #anned out as I

had e#ected only to have the homeowner tell me (I dont know if I can live with this rooms #ersonality.)

Personality9 ) Its a living room" not a family member!) I had wanted to re#ly.

%hey all loved to talk like that" as if they were decorating e#erts themselves. Schoolteachers" office

workers" nurses" #lumbers" they would all talk to me about their rooms (ambiance)" talk about tone and

mood" flow" continuity" focal #oints. $nd most of the time they used the terms incorrectly or their ideas were

just #lain wrong for the #articular room we were discussing.

I always envied the really successful decorators" the ones who worked for the rich and famous" the ones

who had made a name for themselves and were #aid huge sums to transform a home with their o$n vision.

%hey were able to accom#lish ama'ing things. I loved #ouring over the #ages of maga'ines and looking at their

finished #rojects" dreaming about the rooms I could create if I were allowed such freedom of e#ression. %he

#eo#le I worked for were staunch" middle-class $mericans. %hey worked hard to earn their money and they

were going to have a say in how that money was used" by gum! ost of them were not looking for a designer so

much as someone to come in and sla# some #aint or wall#a#er on the walls" car#et or tile on the floor and

hang curtains at the windows and make sure none of these elements clashed too much with any of the others.

(ophia! $earing a painters cap! $hi66ed arond a room $ith a paint brsh. /he $alls changed to a dar#er



>4

tint as she passed. (he literally thre$ a rg do$n and it neatly covered the entire %loor. (he climbed a small

step stool and placed a crtain on the $all $here it stc# as i% by magic.

nly once in my career did I have a chance to create something uni&uely mine. I submitted a design for

the renovation of the lobby of a high-rise office building in Chicago. I visited the lobby first and s#ent a cou#le

of hours getting the feel of the s#ace" seeing how and where the light entered" noting where there were

shadows" making #lans for unused s#aces. I s#ent days agoni'ing over the design balancing #racticality and

creativity. I was ecstatic when my design won - I thought that I would finally be able to break out of my middle-

class mediocrity and do something noteworthy" something that would earn me some renown. ,ut by the time

the #roject was finished the budget had been slashed so drastically the lobby was #ractically a barren shell. I

was devastated by the unfairness of it all.

$nd some interior design society actually gave me an award for that lobby! $fter visiting some of the

com#eting sites" all of which were more visually interesting" I was baffled. %hen it occurred to me that I had

gotten the award not for what I had accom#lished but because I was the only female decorator nominated.

%hat was the only #ossible e#lanation. +hen I received the #la&ue I #ut it in a bo in the basement with other

miscellaneous bric-a-brac.

(ophia ammed a pla5e into a bo %ll o% oddly shaped obects! one o% $hich appeared to be a miniatre

o% the Liberty ;ell. Annie coldnt help bt %ind this to be distracting. (he pased a moment assring hersel%

that the bell in 5estion did have a crac# li#e the one in Pennsylvania be%ore contining her reminiscences.



>:

5ealing with difficult #eo#le every day as a decorator made me irritable and it would carry over into my

#ersonal life. ,y the time I would come home" sometimes not until well into the evening" I was not in the mood

to deal with $udreys teething and ikes sullenness. 6rankly" I just wanted to be left alone. I tried to be #atient

but often found myself sna##ing at my loved ones. I did love them" very much" but I just had trouble handling

all the stress in my life.

ike had his own stresses. *e had worked for about a year as a claims adjuster for an inde#endent

adjusting com#any and then found a #ermanent job with one of the larger insurance com#anies he had done

some work for. %he com#any was #leased with him and the work he did but his boss made it clear more than

once that they usually did not hire #eo#le as claims adjusters who did not have a college degree. ike started

taking classes at night working on a degree in business management. %his meant he was gone at least two

nights a week and doing homework or working on files from the office on nights when he was home. ur

schedule was a shambles with my mother-in-law sometimes watching $udrey late into the eveni ike was at

school and I was busy working.

+hen I could I tried to be home on the nights ike was at school. I had fun with $udrey when we were

alone. I would be silly with her and sing songs and #ick her u# in my arms and dance with her. She had the

sweetest giggle I had ever heard. I would #ut her in her high chair and give her a baby cookie covered with

whi##ed cream and #retend to be horrified when she got the cream all over her face" her bib and the highchair

tray. She would laugh so hard at my eaggerated reaction I almost feared she would choke.

,ut the fun times were few and far between. I disliked my job. I resented my husband. I reali'ed ike was



><

doing his best to #rovide for us but his fre&uent absences did little to hel# our deteriorating relationshi#. +hen

I thought about my family I did not see us as a cohesive whole. I imagined sweet little $udrey as the fulcrum in

the middle holding the three of us together.

(ophia $as on the le%t o% the screen! her hsband on the right. (spended bet$een them $as a small baby.

(ophia $as cltching its tiny right hand as her hsband cltched its le%t. /he distressed in%ant loo#ed li#e it

$ere abot to begin crying in earnest.



>B

,hapter 10

)?om! -m srprised to %ind yo here!* Adrey said.

Annie $as seated in the recreation modle. (he had st been eplaining to ?arissa abot the sites on the

seventh %loor again. (he li#ed to imagine $hat those sites loo#ed li#e and embellished her descriptions

liberally as i% she had personal #no$ledge. /oday she had added machines that dispensed any %ood the resident

desired on demand and electronic massagers bilt into every bed and chair. (he didnt %eel it made any

di%%erence $hether these amenities eisted or not since she had no idea i% ?arissa nderstood $hat she $as

saying any$ay. -t $as rather %reeing to tal# to someone so disengaged.

)'ello! Adrey. (ay hello to my ne$ %riend! ?arissa!* Annie said by $ay o% introdction.

)'ello! ?arissa. -ts so good to meet yo!* Adrey dti%lly said! and patted ?arissas sholder. ?arissa

contined to loo# do$n at her lap.

)?arissa and - are going to get them to change the channel one o% these days!* Annie con%ided to Adrey

in a lod $hisper. )8ere sic# to death o% It Sounds Like.*

Adrey glanced p at the $all in %ront! as i% she hadnt noticed the hmongos image o% (ally ?onroe

sporting a blac# beret and blac# and $hite striped top ntil Annie had mentioned it. )- al$ays li#ed It Sounds

Like!* Adrey remar#ed.



>>

)- hear people shoting -t sonds li#e and Little $ord in my sleep!* Annie replied! dar#ly. )(ometimes

(ally ?onroe smir#s at me in the middle o% my dreams. 'er epression implies she #no$s something that -

dont.*

)-% yo dont li#e it $hy dont yo do something else9* Adrey as#ed.

(he obviosly didnt nderstand the compleities o% the problem. Annie sighed.

/he piieli#e attendant "eba had heard Adreys remar# as she passed by directing a resident in a glyder.

)8hy dont yo ta#e Annie to the observation modle9 -ts a lovely day today!* she sggested $ith a bright

smile.

)8old yo li#e to do that9* Adrey as#ed Annie.

Annie shrgged. -t didnt mch matter to her $here she and Adrey tal#ed be%ore she #ne$ it it $old be

time %or her to leave any$ay. )8hatever yo $ant! dear!* she replied.

Adrey got a glyder %rom across the room. /he smallish chair glided e%%ortlessly $hen Adrey ndged it

$ith her %ingertips. Annie sat gingerly on the seat. (he $as sspicios o% glyders they moved all too easily %or

her li#ing. )?arissa! -ll tal# to yo later. /a#e care! honey!* she said. ?arissa! as sal! made no reply.



100

Adrey and Annie proceeded %rom the recreation modle to a nctre rotary. (ince mch o% the center

$as organi6ed into modles! instead o% conventional door$ays there $ere several nctre rotaries that $ere

sed to pass %rom one modle to another. /hey $ere li#e large! slo$ly moving revolving doors $ith openings

into %or modles. Adrey and Annie passed %rom the recreation modle $ith several other people. /he rotaries

al$ays made Annie some$hat ittery becase she #ne$ i% she $ere to try to traverse them alone she $old

never remember $hich eit she needed to ta#e. (hed had nightmares that involved glyding arond inside a

nctre rotary %orever along $ith other lost and con%sed residents.

;t this time Annie $as some$hat distracted thin#ing abot ?arissa. )- thin# she #no$s $hats going on!*

Annie said. )7ne o% these days shell spea# her mind. (hes thin#ing abot things in there! - can sense it. (he

mst have interesting thoghts. 7ne o% these days shell be ready to tell me abot them.*

)/hat $oman in the recreation modle9 - $oldnt get my hopes p! mom!* Adrey remar#ed. )(he didnt

seem very aware to me.*

)=o dont really #no$ her!* Annie replied! crossly. )-ve been cltivating her %riendship. id yo bring

any chocolates9*

)7% corse. -ll give them to yo in the observation modle!* Adrey promised.

)Adrey! -ve been getting these pains in my abdomen!* Annie complained. )Dot too o%ten! bt sometimes

theyre #ind o% sharp. - thin# yo shold call r. (tevensons o%%ice.*



101

Annie bro#e o%% $hen they entered the observation modle! da6ed by the sdden bright light. /hey had

retracted the roo% and snlight shone in throgh the glass ceiling. /here $ere trees on three sides o% the room

$ith a stream rnning past on the %orth side.

Annie had visited the modle several times be%ore she had reali6ed the impossibility o% the room having

otside $indo$s on all four sides and still being connected to the rest o% the matration center as it obviosly

$as. -nstead o% as#ing anyone ho$ this cold be! inclding Adrey! she had resolved to solve the p66le on her

o$n.

(he had begn by stdying the %eatres o% the vie$s on the east $all or the one she chose to call )east*!

she coldnt be sre $hich direction she $as %acing a%ter coming throgh one o% those nctres. /here $as a

close maple tree! a stand o% evergreen trees in the distance! a %e$ sprce! more maples and one otstanding

$hite birch tree on the right. A%ter a $hile Annie reali6ed that the vie$ ot o% the $est $indo$! directly

opposite! $as identical -t too# her longer to spot the secret o% the third vista o% trees! the north $all! becase

they had been cleverer this time! bt not too clever %or Annie. /his side $as actally the same vie$ in reverse

maples $ith one otstanding $hite birch on the le%t %ollo$ed by some sprce! a stand o% evergreens and that

one closer maple tree on the right.

(omeho$ the center $as proecting the vie$ %rom one $indo$ onto t$o other $alls and reversing it on

one o% them %or variety. 7r maybe there $ere no $indo$s in the room at all and it $as all an illsion! st a

room $ith %or solid $alls. Annie %ond it #ind o% creepy! loo#ing at natre that might or might not actally



102

eist. (ometimes deer or other animals $old pass by the sothern )$indo$*! the only ni5e $indo$ $ith a

vie$ o% a stream! casing eclamations %rom amongst the visitors. Annie dobted these $ere anything other

than recorded images and re%sed to even ac#no$ledge them $hen Adrey or one o% the sta%% members tried to

point them ot to her.

Adrey broght the glyder to a halt on the side o% the room nearest the stream. Annie #ne$ Adrey thoght

it $as the best vie$ the room had to o%%er. -n %act it loo#ed idyllic healthy green grass leading p to the ban#s

o% the stream! the stream itsel% $ith st the right level o% $ater gently s$irling along! the evenly spaced ro$s

o% healthy trees on the other side. /he per%ection o% the vie$ convinced Annie that she $as right abot it all

being some visal hocspocs the center had concocted %or e%%ect. (he $ondered $hat $as actally otside

the centers $alls so care%lly hidden %rom vie$. ;t she closed her eyes and enoyed the sensation o% snlight

on her %ace and hands! and $hether the delicios $armth actally emanated %rom the sn or %rom some hidden

manmade energy sorce didnt seem to really matter.

)-m sorry - had to come alone today!* Adrey $as saying! as she said every $ee#end. Annie didnt even

pay attention to the eplanation o% $here her delin5ent relatives $ere this time. -t didnt matter as long as

Adrey $as there.

Annie opened her eyes $hen she heard rstling sonds. -t $as Adrey etracting a piece o% chocolate %rom

a small $hite paper bag. (he handed it to Annie. -t $as one o% her %avorites! $ith peant btter inside. Annie let

the chocolate dissolve in her moth and savored the thic#! gooey treat! once more closing her eyes to

concentrate on the chocolate and the snshine. -% only li%e $ere %illed $ith more moments li#e this it $old all



103

seem $orth$hile. For no$! she $as content.

Adrey plled p a chair and sat net to Annie. 8hen Annie opened her eyes to glance at her daghter she

noticed Adrey $as loo#ing pensive. Annie $ondered $hat $as going throgh her daghters mind probably

things she needed to be doing at home. (he $ished her daghter $old rela and share this good moment $ith

her. )'ave a chocolate!* Annie said thic#ly.

)Do than#s! mom! - broght them %or yo!* Adrey replied! and patted Annies hand.

Annie loo#ed more closely at her daghters %ace. -n the snlight it $as easy to see the %ine lines %orming

arond Adreys eyes and the notso%ine ones arond her moth. /he s#in belo$ her moth $as beginning to

sag. Adrey $as not a yong $oman anymore. /his #no$ledge made Annie sad.

)Adrey! are yo happy9* Annie as#ed.

Adrey seemed startled by the 5estion. )8hat9*

)Are yo happy9 o yo and /im get along $ell9 Are @eremy and (ara good #ids9 o yo li#e yor ob9*

Annie sddenly peppered her daghter $ith 5estions she %elt she had ta#en %ar too long to as#.

)8ell! -m really bsy! yo #no$...* Adrey began! sonding almost de%ensive! and then stopped. (he

seemed lost in thoght %or a moment. /hen her epression gradally brightened and she visibly relaed. )-



10+

gess - am happy. /he other day /im broght me home a small bo5et o% pin# rosations st becase -ve been

$or#ing hard. 'es really very thoght%l.*

)'e broght home $hat9* Annie as#ed! p66led.

)"osations. =o #no$ carnations that smell li#e roses. /hey developed them so that people $ho cold not

a%%ord roses cold still have the scent althogh %ran#ly - pre%er the smell o% carnations to roses. ;t its the

thoght. And the other day $hen - made (aras %avorite dinner she said - $as a good mom. And @eremy $as sad

that - coldnt ma#e it to his air boardsoccer game on /esday. 'e sat and $atched the recording /im had

made $ith me later and grinned eartoear $hen - appladed his goal. - have a nice %amily! mom. - love them

very mch!* Adrey said.

)And yor ob9* Annie as#ed.

)?y ob #eeps me cra6y bsy!* Adrey replied. )-t stresses me ot. ;t thats the $ay any decent paying

ob is anymore. - dont thin# -d be any happier doing anything else. - never had the ambition to do anything

particlar! any$ay. Dot once - got past childhood dreams! the ones that %ade as yo get older.*

Annie remembered the beaty pageant Adrey had entered in high school. )=o probably $anted to be

?iss America at one time!* she remar#ed.

Adrey laghed! so%tly. )- sppose - did. ;t that $as an nrealistic dream. 8e both #no$ - $as never



104

eactly a natral beaty.*

)ont sell yorsel% short. =o have a lot o% good %eatres!* Annie insisted. )=o cold have made it. A lot

o% a persons beaty has to do $ith sel%con%idence.*

)8e both #no$ - loo# a lot li#e dad!* Adrey said! re%lly. )-t $old have been an phill battle $inning

some beatybased pageant. And $hat #ind o% a goal $as that! any$ay9 =o $ere right to $ant me to do

something more sbstantive $ith my li%e.*

)- shold have been more spportive o% $hat you $anted!* Annie contered. )8hat yo $anted $as more

important than $hat - $anted for yo. - $ish - had seen that then. -m sorry! Adrey. - really am sorry.*

Adrey patted her hand again. )=o dont need to be sorry! - really am happy.* (he reached into her prse

and broght ot the #ey to Annies hope chest and sho$ed it to her. )=o didnt as# bt the papers are still sa%e.

- have to go no$. o yo $ant me to ta#e yo some$here else9*

Annie shoo# her head. )- $ant to %eel the light some more.*

Adrey pressed another chocolate into Annies hand and placed the bag containing the rest o% them gently

on her lap. )- love yo! mom!* she said! and #issed Annies chee#.

)=ore a good girl! Adrey!* Annie said. 'er eyes $ere closed and she $as smiling peace%lly.



10:



10<

,hapter 11

(Sweetheart" Im back. %ime to wake u#.)

(ophia opened her eyes and smiled at the male %igre #neeling by the bed. 'er hair $as tosled %rom

sleeping and loo#ed li#e a heap o% brnette spaghetti nestled on the pillo$.

(+hat time is it/) I asked. I felt like I was coming back from somewhere far away. %hat ,iology final I

had to take the following day was still weighing heavily on me. Id been dreaming I was in a classroom staring

at a test #a#er covered with mysterious sha#es I couldnt make any sense out of" aware that #recious time was

sli##ing away.

(Its about three-thirty. 5id you slee# well/) Shane asked.

(7es" very well") I re#lied" my tongue feeling like cotton. I felt dehydrated" #robably from the alcohol the

night before.

Shane had turned on the floor lam# near the door but it did little to dis#el the #er#etual darkness of his

#artially subterranean room. *is hair was tousled and he smelled like someone who has been involved in

#hysical activity" sweaty and earthy. *e #atted my arm affably.

(Im going to take a &uick shower and Ill be back. 5o you need anything in the meantime/)



10B

(I could use something to drink") I re#lied" (some water or juice or something.)

(Ill be right back") he said" giving me a &uick smile before bobbing to his feet and leaving the room.

I rolled over and snatched my #urse off of the floor. I grabbed the mirror from the side #ocket and &uickly

ins#ected my a##earance. y mascara from the night before had flaked a bit and left smudgy traces under my

eyes. I dam#ened my fingerti# and carefully wi#ed them away" being cautious not to be too rough on the

delicate skin. therwise" I didnt seem to be in bad condition 0 oh" the joys of youth! I #ulled out my li#stick

and used just a trace on my li#s and using my finger as a tool added just a little rosiness to my cheeks as well.

%he results looked good in the dim light. I had dismantled my chignon before my na# and now I fluffed my hair

out a bit with my fingers before #utting my mirror away.

Shane brought me back a big glass of cold" refreshing a##le juice. I took a long drink and felt rejuvenated.

(Its wonderful!) I eclaimed.

(+ell" you enjoy that and Ill be back soon") Shane said" leaning over and kissing me gently.

1ust like that the longing I had felt for him the night before was back. I grabbed his arm with my free hand

to restrain him and began toying with his mouth with my tongue. *e res#onded in kind for a moment" then

mumbled" (I really should take a shower") but that male scent of #hysical eertion from the yard work he had



10>

done added fuel to my desire for him. (1ust #ut this juice somewhere") I re#lied" shoving the glass at him.

*e #ut the glass on the floor net to the bed and then began unbuttoning his shirt. I res#onded in kind"

removing my blouse and bra. I had already removed my jeans before taking my na#. I lay back on the bed in

only my bikini underwear and almost immediately Shanes hands were caressing my...

(ophia nbttoned her blose and then her entire %igre became blrry. (ophia! her companion and the

bedroom they had inhabited gradally disappeared. /he $ords )Personal ?emory o% a (eal Datre

"ecording Pased* %lashed on and o%% on the Li%evie$er screen. Annie closed her eyes so the $ords $old not

distract her. At the appropriate time! (ophia reappeared lying primly in bed net to a generic male %igre. Annie

thoght she detected st the trace o% a smg grin on (ophias %ace.

(%hat was cra'y-good") Shane said as I nestled my head against his shoulder.

(7es") I agreed" massaging his chest gently with my hand. It had been the best seual e#erience I had

ever had" not so much from what it had entailed but because of who Shane $as. *e didnt take himself too

seriously and his refreshing sense of humor was evident even during se. %here had been a great deal of

laughing and giggling amongst the kissing and touching and entwining and I found myself smiling at the

memory of it all for days afterward.

+e lay there contentedly for a while before Shane said" (%heres one thing Ive always wanted to try. ,ut

you #robably wouldnt go for it.)



110

(+hat is it/) I asked" immediately intrigued.

(;o" you #robably wouldnt let me") Shane insisted.

(It doesnt hurt to ask me") I re#lied" wondering just how kinky this idea must be for him to be taking so

long to work u# to it.

(;o" its too much to ask") he said" (youd think I was nuts!)

I was des#erate to know what it was by then. I sat u# in bed and leaned over him. (+hat is it" Shane/) I

asked" looking him straight in his eyes. %hey twinkled back at me mischievously.

(I was just wondering...) he hesitated" li#s twitching.

(+hat/) I #ractically shrieked" forgetting that his #arents were in the house and that they might hear me.

(...if you would even consider letting me...)

(Letting you $hat/) I asked" starting to get actually angry. *e was #ushing this too far.

(Letting me...) he re#eated" eyes half closed" as if just thinking about this mind-blowing erotic act was



111

causing him to become aroused.

I refused to take the bait this time and sat staring at him silently" arms crossed.

(I wonder if you would even consider letting me sham#oo your car#et wearing nothing but #antyhose!)

Shane blurted this out with such conviction that I couldnt kee# my laughter bottled u# inside. I was such a

#ushover for him! I rolled #etulantly onto my left side so he wouldnt have the satisfaction of seeing me laugh

but he grabbed my shoulders and gently but firmly rolled me onto my back and swung his right leg over me...

Annie noticed (ophia laghing hysterically as she tssled $ith the msician be%ore her $orld %aded a$ay

once more. Annie sht her eyes be%ore the damning $ords cold appear on the screen again.

(he #ne$ she cold not go on li#e this or she $old end p bac# in r. (trayers o%%ice. A%ter this memory

ended she had to ma#e her $ay bac# to Adreys childhood.

For some reason the only thing that came to mind that day $hen she thoght abot yong Adrey $as the

time Annie had had to deal $ith her %ear o% dst.

+hen $udrey was about three years old" she develo#ed a fear of dust. I dont think our house was any

dustier than most houses although I certainly didnt have much s#are time to s#end cleaning. ,ut one day

$udrey came to me in tears claiming that something was chasing her.



112

A yong (ophiali#e %igre ran across the Li%evie$er screen prsed by a stream o% tiny dots that

resembled a s$arm o% mos5itoes. 'er moth $as open in a silent $ail.

She led me back to her bedroom. I didnt see anything. *er curtains were o#en and bright sunlight filled

the room. It looked like a cheery #lace for a child with big stuffed animals lined u# on her bed and a big #oster

on the wall teaming with fanciful" brightly colored animals. I couldnt understand what was making her so

u#set.

(See!) she shrieked" #ointing at nothing" seeming to #oint at the air itself. (See" ommy!)

I didnt want to admit I couldnt see this thing that had obviously u#set her so. I tried to look at the room

from $udreys #ers#ective crouching down to do so.

4ventually I saw the tiny dust motes floating in the air. %hey certainly didnt seem threatening to me. I

reached out my arm and swirled it around. It caused the minute #articles to swirl as well.

(See" ommy") $udrey re#eated" hiding behind me and wra##ing her little arms tightly around me.

(See.)

($udrey" sweetheart" dust is not alive") I told her soothingly. I wanted to hug her but she hung onto my

back like a leech. (5ust is not dangerous. 4verybody has it in their house.)



113

(It chases me!) $udrey said.

(+hen you move it makes the air move and so does the dust") I e#lained. (%hat doesnt mean its chasing

you.)

(7es" it does") $udrey insisted.

I couldnt think of what to do to relieve her aniety. I brought in the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed the rug

and curtains as thoroughly as I could but afterward I could still see the dust motes in the sunlight" #erha#s

even more of them 0 the vacuuming seemed to have stirred them u#. I shut her curtains to dim the light. %his

hel#ed camouflage the dust but $udrey had been sufficiently s#ooked and she would not go back into her room.

%hat night she insisted on slee#ing in bed with her father and me.

(ophia lay $ide a$a#e in the middle o% her bed. 7n the pillo$ on one side o% her $as a large dar# circle

representing her hsbands trned head! on her other side a small dar# circle representing her daghters. -n a

thoght balloon above her head (ophia $as rernning the scene o% her daghter tearing throgh her room $hile

trying to escape the prsing dst motes.

%he net day was Sunday. I wanted to find a solution to the #roblem before my work week began. I knew I

would be stri##ing wall#a#er and #ainting walls all week and would be too tired in the evenings to deal with

$udreys #roblem then.



11+

I didnt know what to do. I couldnt hermetically seal the house to kee# the dust out. 4ven if I dusted and

vacuumed every day I didnt think it would make much difference and I didnt have the time to do it" anyway. It

was not like $udrey was allergic to the dust" just frightened by it.

I was doodling on the corner of the Sunday #a#er at breakfast making swirls that re#resented the

movement of $udreys dust. 4ventually" when I had made several swirls near each other" I remembered an

object my mother used to have that I thought might hel#.

$fter we got back from church I ran out to the store. +hen I returned with a big #a#er bag" $udrey was

curious.

(+hat is it/) she asked.

(7ou have to come with me to your room to see") I told her.

$t first she shook her head obstinately. ,ut when I headed toward her room without her she came running

after me with a cry. (+ait" ommy! +ait for $udrey!)

+e sto##ed in her doorway. I walked over and o#ened the curtain. It was a cloudy day so the dust was not

as evident but when I crouched down and concentrated I could still see some in the air.

($udrey" I have something s#ecial in this bag for you. 7ou dont want to kee# on being afraid of the dust"



114

do you/)

$udrey shook her head side to side so em#hatically I was afraid shed get a headache.

(I brought you something to hel# you chase the dust instead of letting it chase you!) I said" o#ening the

bag and bringing out a bright yellow feather duster.

$udrey forgot about her fear enough to run u# to me and touch one of the feathers. (Its #retty!) she

eclaimed" #etting it as if it were some rare animal.

/he %eather dster (ophia presented to her daghter did loo# li#e an eotic bird /he handle loo#ed li#e a

long nec# $ith a bea#li#e shape at the end o% the handle. /he %eathers came to a point at the end li#e a tail

%eather. 7nly there $ere no %eet in evidence. Annie sspected they $ere crled p some$here amongst all the

%eathers.

(Its a feather duster") I told her. (Its for getting rid of dust. Go on" try it.) I handed it to her. She needed

to use both hands to gras# it firmly. It looked huge in her little hands.

$t first she moved around awkwardly batting at the dust motes as if they were baseballs. ,ut eventually

she started twirling and swi#ing and trotting around the room" giggling in that heartfelt way only small

children can giggle. It was a joy to watch her cavort around the room" mastering her fear.



11:

(ophias daghter romped arond the Li%evie$er screen! enthsiastically s$inging her )bird* throgh the

air. /he small particles that $ere %loating in the t$odimensional room began to abate as i% the %eather dster

$ere an eraser.

$udrey did this on and off for a few days. 4ventually the feather duster ended u# at the bottom of her toy

bo and her fear of dust was forgotten. I liked to think I had handled that situation well. I thought I had taught

$udrey not to run from her fears but to turn and fight and take action against them.

/he Li%evie$er $as abrptly removed %rom her eyes and Annie sat blinded by the sdden brightness o% the

recessed lights in the therapy modle. (ddenly (ams grim %ace $as be%ore her! sco$ling do$n at her.

)/imes p! ?rs. ,allahan!* (am blrted! grabbing her arm $ith nnecessary %irmness to help her to her

%eet.

7nce Annie $as standing the room began to spin. (he crmpled into a heap on the %loor.



11<

,hapter 12

)=or blood sgar is a little lo$!* "eba remar#ed! )and yo s%%ered postral hypotension. -n other $ords!

yo probably stood p a little too 5ic#ly.*

Annie a$o#e to %ind hersel% on an assessment cart in the health modle. (he cold %eel sensors attached to

her temples! $rists! chest! arms and legs. )Phas $ha dey shay9* Annie as#ed! be%ore she reali6ed there $as a

sensor nder her tonge as $ell.

/here $as a lighted display monted on the $all. "eba pointed to di%%erent color%l %lic#ering nmbers.

)=or blood pressre is 110 over <1! yor temperatre is >4! yor plse is a little rapid at >3! and yor blood

sgar is :2. Pretty soon $ell have yor thyroid level! yor basic metabolic panel! yor liver %nction and yor

'ematocrit. 7nce everything is in $ell contact r. (tevenson. (o %ar it doesnt loo# li#e anything too serios.*

(he smiled $armly at Annie and Annie $ondered %or the thosandth time $hether her piercings $ere as pain%l

as they loo#ed. (he didnt nderstand all the in%ormation "eba had given her bt she $as reassred by her

cheer%l contenance.

Annie $ondered i% theyd called Adrey and even $ent so %ar as to say )'ah....* be%ore she reali6ed they

$old probably chec# $ith r. (tevenson be%ore noti%ying her daghter.

/he last thing she remembered $as the light sddenly hitting her eyes and (am grabbing her arm. -t $as

(ams %alt! yan#ing her p be%ore she $as ready (hed passed ot becase o% (ams impatience. Annie $anted



11B

to tell "eba abot it bt she #ne$ it $as seless to try to epress hersel% st then. 8hat $as that sensor doing

in her moth! any$ay9 /esting the viscosity o% her saliva9 /he plse nder her tonge9

"eba ripped open a pac#et o% some sort and held it to her lips. )rin# this! Annie. -t $ill raise yor blood

sgar level!* she said.

Annie shoo# her head and #ept her lips clamped together. (he $as a%raid to do as she $as told becase o%

the sensor nder her tonge. (he someho$ thoght that i% the sensor got $et she $old be electrocted $hich

made no sense becase it $as o% corse already $et %rom being in her moth.

)-ts o#ay! Annie!* "eba said! )-t $ill ma#e yo %eel better.*

Annie shoo# her head again.

/hey $ere at an impasse. "eba seemed %lstered %or the %irst time in Annies presence. Annie hated to give

"eba a hard timeC she seemed li#e a s$eet #id in spite o% her northodo appearance. (he noted %or the

mpteenth time the shoc#ingly harsh and nnatral pin# o% "ebas hair.

"eba removed the pac#et %rom Annies lips momentarily and reached ot to stro#e her hair $ith her other

hand. )Please!* she said! ga6ing into Annies eyes $ith her o$n light ble ones. )/rst me! Annie. -t $ill be all

right. - promise.*



11>

Annie decided to trst "eba and opened her moth a little to sho$ her $illingness to comply. "eba placed

the pac#et on her lips and sddenly her moth contained some #ind o% stra$berry %lavored gel. -t $as actally

pretty tasty Annie savored it on her tonge %or a moment be%ore s$allo$ing it.

)Do$! -ve got all the %igres $e need. -m going to call r. (tevenson. =o rela! Annie! and -ll be right

bac#!* "eba said. And Annie $as le%t alone $ith only the glo$ o% the ceiling tilelights and the %lic#ering

display nmbers to occpy her. (he $atched them %or a $hile bt she $as none the $iser abot her condition

a%ter$ard and 5ic#ly lost interest.

%hey could at least #i#e in some music" she thoght. Something comforting and familiar.

Annie %illed the void by replaying one o% (hanes original songs in her mind. 'e had $ritten it %or her

shortly a%ter they had started going ot together. -t saddened her to thin# that even thogh he had sng it at

varios venes over the years that %ollo$ed she $as probably the only living person $ho remembered it $ell.

-t gave her both pleasre and pain to thin# o% it.

(y $nnie weaves my linen with threads as fine as silk

She often bakes me biscuits of creamy buttermilk

She decorates the table with jars of wildflowers

$nd becomes dearer to me with each #assing hour.

$nnies eyes are the color of a bluebirds wings



120

+hen she gives me a smile my glad heart sings

*er lovely hair is golden and smells of chamomile

$nd Ill need her by my side for a long" long while.

I wish I had a #enny for every row Ive hoed

Id buy a shiny o#al and hang it round her throat

I wish I had a dollar for every bushel filled

Id build her a grand house on to# of the hill.

y $nnie weaves my linen with threads as fine as silk

She often bakes me biscuits of creamy buttermilk

She decorates the table with jars of wildflowers

$nd becomes dearer to me with each #assing hour.)

7% all the songs (hane $rote this one sonded most li#e a genine %ol# song. Annie remembered that

$henever (hane had sng this song in pblic someone had inevitably as#ed him $here it came %rom in spite o%

his advising at the start o% the concert that all o% the songs $ere his original compositions. A %e$ times someone

had actally remar#ed that they remembered the song %rom their childhood. (hane considered this a

compliment. Annie had been there $hen he had $ritten the song! one rainy day $hen they had been %orced to

cancel plans %or a smmer picnic and hed $anted to cheer her p. (he had been %lattered to be the sbect o%

something so lovely and had o%ten thoght o% it in bad times and been com%orted in her heart.



121

(he had closed her eyes be%ore replaying the song in her mind and $as no$ startled by a hand placed

gently on her arm. (he opened her eyes to see "eba smiling do$n at her. (rely the piercing on her lip hrt

$hen she smiled that big -% it $erent %or the harsh metal rings and stds tting ot o% it! "ebas %ace $old

loo# eceptionally s$eet. Annie $ished her grandson $ere older i% he $ere! she $old have tried to play

matchma#er bet$een him and "eba. ;t Adrey had started her %amily late and @eremy $as still only a boy.

)&ood ne$s! Annie r. (tevenson says everything loo#s %ine and yo can go bac# to yor room no$.

8ere st going to have to chec# yor blood sgar no$ and then %or a $hile. -ll remove the sensors! it might

hrt a little!* she $arned.

)'ar eh ih h!* Annie said! pointing to$ard her moth. (he didnt consider hersel% that mch o% a tal#er!

bt the sensor in her moth $as driving her cra6y

)Li%t p yor tonge!* "eba instrcted her. /he sensor popped o%% easily. )/here! no$ yo have the gi%t o%

speech.*

As "eba proceeded to care%lly %ree her o% the sensors Annie %ond hersel% %eeling nepectedly happy.

/he negative %eelings cased by (ams roghness had %aded a$ay. 8hether it $as remembering (hanes song

or eperiencing "ebas #indness or something in the stra$berry gel Annie didnt #no$. ;t she sddenly started

singing so%tly! (y $nnie weaves my linen from threads as fine as silk" y $nnie bakes me biscuits of creamy

buttermilk...)



122

)- remember that song %rom my childhood!* "eba remar#ed as she contined gently removing sensors

%rom Annies s#in.

)?any people do!* Annie replied! agreeably.



123

,hapter 13

Adreys daghter! (ara! had come along %or a visit to the center. Annie coldnt remember the last time

she had seen (ara. (he coldnt help staring at her as i% she $ere a rare species.

(ara $as long and thin. 'er dar# hair $as piled atop her head in the intricate braided )nest* then in %ashion

$hich helped add to the impression o% height. (he $ore an old%ashioned loo#ing blose $ith generos r%%les

on the sleevesC only the material it $as made o% $as neon pin# $ith an eclectic blac# print. /he intense pin#

he made (aras s#in loo# paler in contrast than it probably $as. 'er slac#s $ere blac#! or maybe dar# prple.

ar# gray9 Annie coldnt ma#e p her mind. /he he seemed to change periodically st $hen Annie thoght

she had the color pinned do$n.

(ara $as not o%%ended by Annies obvios criosity. (he probably didnt notice it. /he $hole time she $as

there she stared directly be%ore her and %re5ently spo#e in an animated! lo$ voice. Annie coldnt ma#e ot

anything she $as saying.

Annie trned to Adrey $ith a %ro$n. )+hat did yo say shes doing again9*

Adrey sighed. )(hes tal#ing to one o% her %riends on her proectionphone!* she eplained. )(he can see a

proected image o% her %riend be%ore her and her %riend can see her in retrn.*

Annie %ro$ned. )8here is the image coming %rom9* she as#ed.



12+

Adrey pointed to $hat loo#ed li#e t$o small rhinestones adhering to (aras s#in! one on each temple.

Annie had thoght they $ere some #ind o% decoration. )/he image is proected %rom those piilators. /heyre

also re%lecting an image o% (ara to her %riend.*

Annie %ocsed on them. /hey did seem to be glo$ing more than yod epect %rom traditional rhinestones.

;t something still p66led her. )8hy dont $e see the image o% her %riend! too9* she as#ed.

)-ts nidirectional!* Adrey replied! as i% that eplained the $hole thing. )-% she $anted to she cold set it

so $e cold see and tal# to her %riend as $ell.*

Annie popped a chocolate into her moth and che$ed care%lly $hile $atching her granddaghter. -t gave

her a #ind o% eerie %eeling $atching (ara obliviosly tal#ing to her %riend as i% the %riend $ere there and Annie

$asnt. -t made Annie %eel li#e a ghost.

)8hy did yo say she came $ith yo again9* Annie as#ed! $arily.

Adrey too# a 5ic# glp o% her co%%ee. )8ere going shopping a%ter or visit. (ara needs a ne$ dress %or

her school dance. And! o% corse! she hasnt visited yo %or a $hile and needs to catch p.*

Catch u#/ $nnie thought. +hat is she catching u# on" her #rojection-#honing skills/



124

)id they tell yo - passed ot9* Annie as#ed! brea#ing the chocolate in her hand in order to identi%y the

%illing and ma#ing a mess in the process. /hey $ere caramels. (he had already eaten one bt she had been so

distracted by (aras antics that she hadnt really tasted it.

)/hey said yo stood p too 5ic#ly!* Adrey replied! )and yor blood sgar $as a little lo$ bt its been

%ine ever since.*

Annie loo#ed arond %rtively and then leaned closer to her daghter. )-t $asnt my %alt! it $as that (am.

'ave yo seen him be%ore9 'es a shi%tyeyed character $ho $or#s here. 'e yan#ed me ot o% the Li%evie$er

chair be%ore - #ne$ $hat $as happening - dont li#e him one bit. 'e gives me the creeps.*

)-m sre it $asnt intentional!* Adrey replied! ga6ing srreptitiosly at the time proected %rom above the

in%ormation des#.

(rely their visit $asnt ending already9 -t seemed to Annie li#e they had st arrived. 8ell! Adrey had

arrived (ara hadnt arrived yet .

)'o$ is yor %riend9* Adrey as#ed.

6riend/ Annie $as hardpressed to %igre ot $ho Adrey $as tal#ing abot. 8hat #ind o% a %riend did

she have here9 )8ho9* she %inally as#ed.



12:

)?arissa!* Adrey replied! )the $oman - met in the recreation modle.*

)7h! arissa!* Annie said. )(hes abot the same! - gess. A good listener bt not one to tal# mch

hersel%.*

)Imhmm!* Adrey grnted! reaching p and pshing a btton on something protrding %rom her ear. -t

$as a phone and had made a sort o% chirping noise. Annie missed the ringing sond old%ashioned telephones

sed to ma#e $hen there $as a call.

)'i! /im. Do! $ere still at 8interhaven $ith mother!* Adrey said into the phone. )id @eremy ma#e it to

practice on time9*

Annie popped another chocolate into her moth and then! noticing the messiness o% her hands! began

systematically lic#ing them li#e a cat grooming itsel%. Adrey noticed $hat she $as p to and! $hile still

engaged in her conversation $ith /im! plled some tisses ot o% her prse and handed them to her mother. )-

reschedled his gitar class %or /esday at : ocloc#. - thin# thats going to be the time %rom no$ on. -t st

didnt ma#e sense trying to rsh him there a%ter practice on (atrdays!* Adrey said.

@eremy $as learning to play gitar9 8hy hadnt Adrey mentioned that to her9 -t $as the %irst she had

heard that anyone in the %amily $as interested in msic

Annie dabbed helplessly at her hands $ith the tisses $hile her %amily members conversed $ith absent



12<

people. Adrey had trned her head and $as tal#ing more 5ietly no$ that she $as on the phone and Annie

$as sddenly able to pic# p on (aras conversation.

)'ave yo ever seen ,olin in his trac# clothes9 =o$! hes got some mscles 8atching him rn arond the

trac# is li#e $atching a panther or some other sort o% lithe animal. 'is movements are so smooth and natral.*

)- #no$ she still seems a little yong %or dating. ;t there $ill be lots o% chaperones. - thin# its cte.*

)?y moms got a$%l taste in clothes. -tll ta#e some doing bt - $ant to get something! yo #no$! #ind o%

slin#y and sey. - $ant to sho$ ,olin -m almost a $oman. -m already a 3:,.*

/his cased Annie to loo# more closely at (aras gady blose. Do$ that (ara had broght it p her chest

was #ind o% straining against the %abric. Annie $ondered i% she got that %rom /ims side o% the %amily. Annie

hersel% and Adrey $ere not eactly $ellendo$ed.

)-ll be care%l $hat she bys! /im. ;t the ne$est trend in dresses today is short and #ind o% %orm%itting.

@st to $arn yo.*

)Friday be%ore school ,olin and - hid in the stair$ell and! $ell! yo #no$! hes such a good #isser -

literally got $ea# in the #nees. - almost didnt ma#e it to class on time.*

)-ll have a tal# $ith her be%ore the dance. - mean! - dont thin# shes old enogh to need the tal# bt st



12B

sort o% general advice. (hes still a little girl.*

),olins dad is so great. 'es driving s to the dance bt he told ,olin $e can sit in the bac#seat together

and he $ont pay any attention to $hat goes on bac# there! li#e a real cha%%er. 'e told ,olin he remembers

$hat it $as li#e to be yong and have no place to be alone $ith a girl.*

)Do! ,olins %ather $ill drive them. 'es a member o% the village board! $e voted %or him in the last

election. -m sre hes responsible. Any$ay! -d better get going. ?om needs some help!* Adrey said! eying

Annies hands. /hey $ere still pretty dirty %rom the melted chocolate and the mangled tisses $ere stic#ing to

her %ingers.

Adrey $al#ed a$ay and came bac# $ith a cople o% paper to$els! one damp and one dry. As she

diligently cleaned her mothers hands! Annie leaned to$ard her! #eeping an eye on her granddaghter. )o yo

tal# to (ara mch9* Annie as#ed her 5ietly.

)(re $e tal#. - mean! $ere both pretty bsy and all bt - tet her no$ and then and ma#e sre $e connect

be%ore she goes to bed!* Adrey replied.

Connect/ Annie pictred a pencil connecting t$o nmbered dots li#e the p66les in 8interhavens

monthly ne$sletters that most o% the residents $ere incapable o% completing. ((ara seems to be gro$ing p

pretty 5ic#ly!* Annie remar#ed.



12>

Adrey glanced at her daghter $ith a smile. )(hes still my little girl!* she replied. )Goila! yor hands are

clean* (he placed the crmpled paper to$els in her lap and started rmmaging arond in her prse.

)=o #no$! - thin# yore nderestimating (ara. Abot this dance! yod better be sre to...* Annie began.

Adrey removed something %rom her prse and held it p %or Annie to see. -t $as the #ey to her hope

chest. )-m still garding the #ey. (ara and - really need to get going no$! ?om. Are yo %eeling all right!

besides yor recent %ainting episode9*

Annie $anted to $arn Adrey abot (ara bt Adreys ramblings thre$ her o%% trac#. )Key9 7h! good!

good. 8ell! yo #no$ -ve been seeing this... - dont #no$ ho$ to describe it. (ometimes it seems li#e theres

something o%% to one side o% me! a $hitish blob! bt $hen - trn theres nothing there. -t happens over and over.

- thin# my eyes need to be chec#ed.*

)- st got a letter %rom the center telling me theyll be per%orming their annal vision and hearing tests

soon. ?a#e sre yo tell them yore having troble $hen they test yo!* Adrey instrcted! rising %rom her

seat. (he $aved vigorosly at her daghter to get her attention.

)-ts time to go! honey. Kiss Dana goodbye!* Adrey instrcted.

(ara tapped one o% the rhinestones on her temple t$o or three times. /he glo$ emanating %rom it dimmed

perceptibly. (he $al#ed over to Annie! bent do$n a$#$ardly and gave her a light pec# on the chee#. (he



130

smelled o% some %lo$ery cologne. )&oodbye! Dana. -t $as good to see yo!* she mrmred.

/here $as something Annie $anted to say to the girl! bt $hat $as it9 -t had to do $ith something

someone had said. -t coldnt have been anything (ara had said! she hadnt tal#ed to Annie mch. A%ter some

thoght! Annie remembered.

)(o @eremy is learning to play the gitar9* she as#ed! brightly.

)=eah. 'es not very good at it yet!* (ara replied.

Adrey moved arond her daghter to pat Annies sholder and #issed her sondly on the chee#. )-ll see

yo net $ee#! mother. 8e love yo.*

)- love yo! too!* Annie replied. )- love yo both.* ;t (ara had tapped her temple again and $as tal#ing

so%tly to her %riend as she moved a$ay. Annie $ondered ho$ she cold $al# $hile loo#ing at a proection and

not bmp into things. /echnology $as beyond her anymore.



131

,hapter 1+

$fter that first visit to Shanes house our relationshi# #retty much took over my life.

Annie %elt she cold get a$ay $ith thin#ing abot (hane %or a $hile! becase she coldnt remember

having thoght abot this time in their relationship dring L/( dring any previos session. (rely every part

o% her li%e $as o% some interest to those she $old leave behind.

I s#ent less time on my schoolwork and my grades suffered. I had been saving u# to take a tri# over the

summer break with my roommate. Instead I s#ent the money on an old clunker of a car that I used to drive to

Shanes house or to the towns where 5aileys Comet was #laying. I had to get a second #art-time job on



132

cam#us to su##ort the car" which broke down with annoying regularity. Shane and his brother 5anny were

sometimes able to hel# me with re#airs 0 they had learned about cars from their dad. ,ut even just #aying for

the necessary #arts was a stretch.

(ophia loo#ed mi%%ed as she handed some money to a generic man behind a conter and received an oddly

shaped obect in retrn that $as meant to represent an ato part. -t had circlar )#eys* all over it that loo#ed

li#e they belonged on a $ood$ind instrment. Annie o%ten $ondered $hether the images in the Li%evie$er all

originated %rom a part o% her sbconscios or $hether they had been programmed by some compter so%t$are

engineer. (ome o% them $ere more than a bit bi6arre and she hoped they $ere not all the prodcts o% her o$n!

aged mind.

Shanes mother and father welcomed me to the etent that they acce#ted my #resence and didnt com#lain

when I showed u# on their doorste# at odd hours. %hey didnt raise any fuss about me s#ending considerable

amounts of time in their sons room although I once overheard his dad cautioning Shane to (be careful) as we

headed downstairs. *e neednt have worried. ,y then I was taking the #ill.

Ill never forget what ha##ened one Saturday night" or more accurately early one Sunday morning. I had

gone to see the band #lay at a bar over an hours drive from my dorm. I waited for Shane afterward as I often

did and drove him back to his #arents house.

(ophia $as sitting behind the $heel o% a car $ith a gitar visible on the seat behind her. A msician %igre

sat in the passenger seat! bobbing his head as i% to some inner msic.



133

%o be truthful going to those #erformances had a strong effect on me. %here was my boyfriend in front of a

crowd all evening" #laying his guitar with that ama'ing skill of his" blowing everyone away with his own music

in between sets. I mean he didnt attract women the way ,arry did with his more obvious charms but there were

women that came u# to him from time to time gushing about his talent and others in the crowd who just

watched him with a smile I thought I recogni'ed. It made me feel fortunate to be the one going home with him.

(ophia $atched a msician playing a gitar %ar a$ay on a stage. -n spite o% a ro$ o% vage %emale %igres

near the stage $aving and trying to get the gitarists attention (ophia seemed content and con%ident. /he

gitarist $as too bsy concentrating on his instrment to notice the $omen! sending the gitar strings vibrating

$ith a random strmming motion o% his arm.

So when we finally got back to his #arents house that early Sunday I was really in the mood" if you know

what I mean. +e had barely gotten between the sheets when I gave him a long" hot kiss" running my hands

down his body. *e rolled me onto my back and whis#ered" (5id you take your #ill today/)

(7es") I re#lied.

If I had left it at that everything would have been fine. %he &uestion he was really asking me was (Is it

okay for us to have se" are you #rotected/) and the answer to that was definitely (7es). ,ut I made the

mistake of blurting" (+ell" no I didnt take it today. ,ut it doesnt matter" its okay.)



13+

%his had the same effect on Shane as dousing him with a #itcher of cold water. *e immediately fro'e.

(+hat do you mean it doesnt matter/) he asked with an edge in his voice.

I sighed" seeing I would have to go into a big e#lanation. (Im at the tail end of my cycle. Im taking the

reminder #ills now and there are no hormones in them. It doesnt matter if I take them or not") I re#lied.

(5id you bring them with you/) he asked.

(;o" as I said theyre not im#ortant. %hey dont contain any active ingredients") I e#lained" feeling like a

character in a medicine commercial.

(ophia appeared on a television screen! holding p a pill bottle! her moth moving a mile a minte as she

made a pitch %or the )prodct*. For the mpteenth time! Annie $ished the Li%evie$er didnt ta#e things so

literally.

Shane remained still in our embrace like a child #laying statue. %hen after a moment he kissed my cheek"

released me and rolled onto his back. (Its really late. +ed better get some slee#") he said.

I couldnt believe what was ha##ening. (+hat are you talking about/ Its not like theres any danger of me

getting #regnant") I said.

(Id just feel better if we waited until net time" thats all. Get some slee#" honey") Shane re#lied" reaching



134

over and #atting my hand.

,ut I wasnt ready to give u# yet. $ rather #retty woman had come on to him at the gig that night and his

une#ected rejection was making me feel threatened. I sat u# in bed and turned toward his inert body. (Shane"

this is ridiculous! %hose five #ills every month are totally inactive. y doctor made that very clear. +hy are

you being so weird about this/)

(ophia sat p in bed $ith a $orried epression net to the Li%evie$ers stoc# male msician $ho $as still

bobbing his head p and do$n as he lay net to her. A thoght balloon appeared containing a $oman ga6ing at

the msician $ith starry eyes bt it $as nclear $hether the thoght belonged to (ophia or to her boy%riend.

) $nnie" honey" dont make such a big deal out of it. +ell have #lenty of intimate times together. Get some

slee# now.)

,ut I couldnt let it go. I thought about that young woman at the bar with her big brown eyes and tight

sweater" who had tried to latch onto Shane after the first set. She had been babbling to him merrily as I had

walked u# and handed him a drink.

(%hanks" sweetheart") hed said to me" kissing me on the cheek.

%his had caused the girls incessant s#eech to cease mid-sentence. +hen I had turned toward her she had

had a crestfallen look on her face. (+ell" anyway" you really are good at what you do") shed continued after a



13:

beat" &uickly recovering her com#osure. She had glanced at me again and then looked away" unable to sustain

her wavering smile.

(%hank you") Shane had re#lied.

(It was nice talking to you") she had added &uietly before walking away.

$t the time I had felt gleeful about this encounter. Its heady stuff to be with someone that others desire and

know that they are yours alone! ,ut now when Shane was urging me to go to slee# instead of getting involved

in our usual robust activities I had to wonder if I had missed something. *ad that girl given him her #hone

number before I had gotten back with the drink/ +as he thinking about her and how they would get together

sometime/

(Look" if it will make you feel better for me to take something that will have no effect on contrace#tion"

give me an as#irin or one of those multi-vitamins you take every morning. %hen we can move on to other

things") I said" #utting my arm around him and nu''ling his neck.

Shane sighed" then gently disengaged himself from me and sat u#. (Listen $nnie" theres something you

should know about me") he said soberly.

%he tone in his voice concerned me as much as his words. Shane was usually - well" Shane. *e was always

u#beat" he never took anything too seriously" and he was always ready to turn any #otential #roblem into a



13<

joke with a facetious remark or two. %his must be something serious. I was afraid of what he was about to say.

I also sat u#. In the dark there were no facial cues for me to use to access the situation. ,efore #roceeding"

Shane took my hands in his. +hile he #robably meant to reassure me by doing this the gesture only made me

more a##rehensive. y hands were #ractically shaking as I waited for his e#lanation.

(+hat is it/) I asked" alarmed by how hard my heart seemed to be #ounding.

(I know I #robably dont seem to be a very res#onsible guy") Shane began. (I work s#oradically with my

brother 0 I earn a little at a gig here and there with the band. I dont su##ort myself right now" I live with my

#arents. ,ut when it comes to things that are really im#ortant Im actually overly cautious. If we made love

tonight" I would worry. I would worry while we were doing it" I would worry tomorrow and I would worry for a

whole month until your net #eriod began. I know its nonsensical. I understand the #ill you didnt take is doing

as much good in the #ackage in your dorm room as it would be doing in your body but I cant just rela and not

worry about it. %hats who I really am dee# down. I ho#e you can deal with it.)

*ow could I find fault with what he said/ I wanted a man who took things seriously" didnt I/ $t least

when they really mattered/

(kay") I re#lied" (Im fine with that. $s long as its not that you dont want to... you know.)

($nnie" dont be ridiculous. I want you like cra'y") Shane re#lied" leaning over and kissing me gently and

at length.



13B

$ thought occurred to me. (5ont you have any condoms somewhere/) I asked.

(Contrary to #o#ular belief" guys dont just #ick those u# in the su#ermarket when they ha##en to be in

the right aisle") Shane said. (I sto##ed buying them when you went on the #ill. 5ont you remember what I did

with the ones I had left/)

(h" yeah") I re#lied. It had been 5annys birthday. Shane had blown u# the condoms like little balloons

and twisted them into a figure. (I still dont think it looked like a seahorse") I remarked.

(ophias partner e%%iciently %ashioned t$o balloonli#e obects into a realistic loo#ing seahorse. /he

seahorse proceeded to )s$im* arond in the air in (ophias Li%evie$er room! occasionally )trmpeting*. Annie

almost lost her train o% thoght as she $itnessed this odd event.

,y this #oint I was more than willing to roll over and get some slee#" my eyelids were suddenly no longer

under my control and I had to fight to kee# them o#en" when I suddenly had an idea. (+hat about 5anny/) I

asked. (+ould he have a condom/)

(5anny") Shane re#lied" #atting my shoulder as he s#oke" (is not eactly seually active. If he did have a

condom tucked away in the back of his wallet or nesting in his #ocket lint I would be so concerned about its

age I wouldnt be able to trust it. ;ow lie down net to me" $nnie girl. Come on") he coaed.



13>

I did as he instructed. *e rolled to his right and wra##ed his left arm around me" his head leaning amiably

against mine. *is hair tickled my cheek. (%omorrow morning") he said" (after I make you some of my famous

6rench toast I will run out to the local grocery store to that s#ecial aisle where young men buy things and #ick

u# something to take my fears away and I will show you how very much I desire you. I #romise.)

(ophia and her partner lay hddled together on a bed. /he room on the screen had dar#ened to the point

$here Annie had troble ma#ing ot their still %igres. Annie %elt happy %or themC they seemed so content to lie

there in each others arms in the dar#. /hey didnt have the mis%ortne o% #no$ing $hat their %tre held! as

Annie did.

(Shane/) I asked a few minutes later. *e didnt answer immediately. I think he was already drifting off to

slee#.

(*mm/) he re#lied woo'ily.

(5o you really make good 6rench toast/)



1+0

,hapter 14

)?om*

Annie opened her eyes! groggily. (ometimes $hen she %irst a$o#e she didnt remember $here she $as! or

more to the point when she $as. 8ho $as calling her9 (he reali6ed she $as lying in bed. 'ad they $ired that

dratted Presence Essence machine %or sond9 8hen she got her eyes to %ocs she sa$ the aging and concerned

%ace o% her daghter peering do$n at her.

)?om! $hat are yo doing in bed9 - epected to %ind yo in the recreation modle!* Adrey said.

)-ve given p on ?arissa!* Annie mmbled. /he previos evening she had even tried shoting into

?arissas ear. (he hadnt even %linched. )-s it (atrday today9*

)7% corse it is!* Adrey replied. )/hey o%%ered...* she sddenly bro#e o%% and trned her head abrptly to

her le%t. )- thoght someone came in %or a moment!* she remar#ed! trning bac# to$ard Annie.

)-ts st that machine p to its sal tric#s!* Annie advised. )-gnore it.*

)/hat really is something! the e%%ect it has!* Adrey said! loo#ing more closely at the decorated $hite orb

atop the Presence Essence machine. Annie remained silent! re%sing to even discss the o%%ensive device any

%rther.



1+1

)Any$ay!* Adrey sddenly recommenced! )they o%%ered to bring yo ot to the observation modle bt

its st me and - havent been in yor room since yo %irst got here!* Adrey said. (he loo#ed abot her $ith

alarm. )8hy havent yo got a $allogram9 - $as admiring them all the $ay do$n the hall the smptos

colors! the $arm glo$ and - get in here and yore living li#e a hermit.*

8allograms $ere proections that made the small! barren residents rooms loo# more spacios!

com%ortable and inviting. /here $ere hndreds o% options to choose %rom in every color and design imaginable

or a resident cold even have the room made to loo# li#e their %ormer room at home. Annie assmed some

residents $ere probably so %ooled by this rse they $ere not even a$are they had ever been moved to the

matration preserve. Poor saps.

)'o$ can yo live in sch a bland room9 =o! a %ormer interior decorator* Adrey chided her.

)/hose $allograms are dangeros!* Annie contered! becoming more alert. )- heard a resident $ent to sit

in a chair that $asnt there once and bro#e her hip.*

)-m sre thats st a baseless rmor!* Adrey replied. )8allograms only dplicate $alls and crtains

and things li#e %ireplaces! not %rnitre! ecept maybe a boo#case. /he only %rnitre involved is the bed and it

stays the same si6e and shape. -t st loo#s li#e the headboard and rails are made o% %ine $ood and the blan#et

is more color%l and tetred.* (he glanced arond at the $alls again as i% she st coldnt believe Annies

living conditions. )8hy didnt they tell me yo $ere living li#e this9 /hey call me abot every other thing



1+3

moonlit night. /hats the one -d have i% I $ere a resident here.*

)- hope yoll never need to be a resident here!* Annie said. )?aybe yoll have better %ortne than - have

had and be able to stay at home!* she added! pointedly.

Adrey re%sed to be deterred. )8ont yo at least loo# at the $allogram samples9* she as#ed as "eba

helped Annie into the glyder.

)8hy dont yo st pic# one ot %or me9* Annie sggested! abrptly.

)?om* Adrey admonished.

)Do! really. -% yo $ant me to have one so badly yo pic# one ot! $hichever one yo thin# - $old li#e!*

Annie instrcted! settling her arms on the arms o% the chair and p%%ing ot her chest slightly! li#e a 5een on a

throne giving commands to her servants.

)All right! - $ill!* Adrey replied. )-ll pic# ot the one - li#e best. And -m sre yoll tell me yo dont

li#e it.*

Adrey reached into her prse and plled ot a %amiliar bag. Annies %ace so%tened immediately in spite o%

her resolve to remain petlant. Dothing pleased her more than chocolates.



1++

Adrey o%%ered to direct the glyder bt "eba shoo# her head and said she didnt mind doing it. (o Adrey

$al#ed beside them as they progressed do$n the hall$ay. Annie glanced ot o% the corner o% her eye at some o%

the rooms they passed hoping Adrey $oldnt notice. /he other rooms did loo# rather nice $ith their $allo

grams. ?aybe Adrey $old pic# ot something she $old li#e! bt she dobted it. (he had seen Adreys

hose. All the rooms $ere bland and predictable.

)7h! ?om! - almost %orgot. - have some eciting ne$s!* Adrey annonced. ),osin Alicia called. /heyre

thro$ing a special birthday party %or Incle ?itchs B4 th birthday. =oll never gess $here he lives 'es here at

8interhaven on the seventh %loor 'es got a site p there. 'es been living here %or t$o years no$ and $e

didnt even #no$ it*

$ suite on the ? th floor/ )?itch lives in one o% those %ancy sites9* Annie as#ed in disbelie%. (ome

chocolate dripped do$n her chin as she spo#e. (he $iped at it impatiently $ith the bac# o% her hand. )'o$ did

he get that #ind o% money9*

)8ell! he was a sccess%l la$yer be%ore he became a senator!* Adrey reminded her. )'e al$ays invested

his money $isely.*

-t seemed li#e ?itch had been a senator %orever. Annie had not heard %rom him in many years and had not

seen him since his $i%es %neral. -t had been his $i%e ;renda $ho sed to $rite to her and #eep her p to date

on their %amily.



1+4

)Lets go p and see ?itch!* Annie demanded.

)8ell! the partys not ntil net month. - dont thin# $e can st go p there now"* Adrey replied.

)'es my brother and - $ant to see him!* Annie insisted.

Annie had never cared mch %or ?itchell. 'e had siphoned o%% mch o% their parents attention $hen they

$ere gro$ing p and as an adlt he had become a man overly impressed by his o$n importance. ;t she $as

$illing to tolerate him i% it meant eperiencing the atmosphere on the seventh %loor and enoying some o% the

per#s intended %or the pper class.

)"eba! please ta#e me p to the seventh %loor!* Annie instrcted.

)Annie! yo cant st go p to the seventh %loor!* "eba advised. )Everything p there is care%lly

schedled in advance by patient coordinators.*

);esides! ?om!* Adrey added! )yore not eactly dressed %or visiting. And %ran#ly yove got a pretty

bad case o% bedhead right no$.*

Annie didnt normally thin# mch abot her appearance bt she didnt $ant to go p to the seventh %loor

loo#ing li#e she obviosly didnt belong. -t cold rin the eperience %or her. )Adrey! - $ant yo to call Alicia

bac# and see i% she can arrange %or me to visit ?itch sometime soon. And -ll need an appointment to have my



1+:

hair done that day. 8here are my nice clothes9 -ve been $earing these ratty go$ns ever since - got here!* she

complained! glancing do$n at her %aded go$n. /he one she $ore that day $as a chal#y light green color that

made her s#in loo# sic#ly.

)8e have yor clothes in the commnal closet!* "eba eplained. )-ts all been cataloged and nmbered. -

can sho$ yo images o% yor things and yo can tell me $hich ones yo $ant to $ear. /hey mst have

eplained that $hen yo $ere %irst admitted. - #no$ -ve as#ed yo be%ore i% yo $anted anything %rom the

closet and yove al$ays declined.*

'ad she9 Annie coldnt remember anyone mentioning a closet.

"eba stopped the glyder net to an pholstered chair in the observation modle.

)/han# yo! "eba!* Adrey said! settling hersel% into the chair.

)-% yo really $ant to choose a $allogram %or yor mom they can help yo at the des#!* "eba advised!

pointing to the in%ormation des# in the center o% the room ringed $ith bright lights beaming do$n %rom the

ceiling.

)/han#s!* Adrey repeated. "eba smiled and $al#ed a$ay.

)-snt she adorable9* Annie msed. )- $as thin#ing she $old be a nice girl %or @eremy i% yod had him



1+<

$hen yo $ere yonger bt yo didnt.*

Adrey gave her an odd loo# as i% she had troble %ollo$ing her train o% thoght. )=eah! - sppose!* she

%inally mttered.

Adrey tried to tell Annie $hat $as going on $ith her %amily bt Annies thoghts #ept going bac# to the

seventh %loor. -t mst be nice to have only good attendants! not srly! threatening ones li#e (am! and to eat

tasty! ntritios %ood instead o% being %orced to ta#e igest ,omplete.

)(aras oined the choir. (he has to stay late at school t$ice a $ee# %or practice. /heres a bs bt /im

sally pic#s her p a%ter$ard!* Adrey said! loo#ing thoght%lly to$ard the des#.

)Im!* Annie replied. /hey probably got chocolate on the seventh %loor on a reglar basis and even i% it

$as sgar%ree the che% p there $as probably able to ma#e it taste li#e rich! ;elgian chocolate! not li#e the

rather staletasting st%% Adrey broght her %rom the mall. For once she %ond her $ee#ly chocolates not very

satis%ying.

)/ims company is opening p a ne$ department. /hey discssed the spervisors position $ith him and it

$old be a great opportnity. ;t he really enoys the handson! creative part o% his ob. 'e %eels li#e he $old

be missing ot i%...* Adrey $as saying.

)- bet ?itch has a video monitor in his room!* Annie blrted ot. )A great big one. - bet he can $atch



1+B

anything he $ants on it 'e probably never $atches It Sounds Like.*

Adrey glared at her. Annie reali6ed belatedly that she had ct her daghter o%%. )-m sorry! Adrey. 8hat

$ere yo saying9*

-nstead o% repeating hersel%! Adrey gave an eaggerated sigh. )-ll never nderstand $hy yo #eep

%iating on the same old things Every time - come here its - cant stand It Sounds Like! -s my hope chest

sa%e! ?y this or my that hrts! call r. (tevenson. =o never read a boo# or ma#e a cra%t or participate in

games or sho$ any interest in anything ne$ =o sed to be a creative $oman. 8hat happened to yor creative

spar#9*

)- sed to be a lot o% things!* Annie replied 5ietly! dra$ing hersel% p into her 5eenly postre again. )-

sed to be happy living in my o$n little home bt my body betrayed me. /hats another thing - %iate on

Adrey! ho$ - managed to lose my balance dring physical therapy that blac# day and someho$ ended p

banished here %orever. =o dont #no$ $hat its li#e living hereC yo st press yor nose against the $indo$

and pee# in %rom the otside =o dont #no$ $hat its li#e to be an old $oman in a %altering! doddering!

$asted old body. - have troble concentrating and remembering things. -% they dont remind me to se the toilet

- $et mysel%. /heyre constantly giving me medication and inecting things into me and - dont even #no$ $hat

the medicine is %or or $hat its spposed to do sometimes it ma#es me %eel $oo6y. /hey pt me in a gadget

that $ashes me %rom head to %oot as i% - $ere an inanimate obect and - hold insanely still and $orry that its

going to mal%nction and throttle me be%ore its throgh. - get scared $henever my side hrts or my head aches

or theres a pain in my arm. ?aybe its nothing! maybe its the beginning o% the endC - have no $ay o% telling the



1+>

di%%erence - dont $ant to die yet. /hats $hy - tell yo abot it all becase -m a%raid %or my li%e and - dont

%eel li#e anyone here listens to me. =ore part o% the real li%e - le%t behindC yore my o$n %lesh and blood.

=ore the only hope - have le%t.*

Adreys eyes %illed $ith tears. Annie loo#ed a$ay! %eeling gilty %or having laid sch a heavy brden on

her daghter. (oon she %elt Adreys arms $rap arond her and Adreys lips press against her temple %or

several resonding #isses. )- #no$ it mst be incredibly hard %or yo. -m so sorry! mom!* Adrey mrmred in

her ear.

)And the sond o% that cro$d shoting -t sonds li#e %or the mpteenth time is li#e sandpaper grating

against my sol!* Annie contined! nable to stop hersel% %rom ma#ing one %inal complaint. )Every time a

contestant comes p $ith the soltion yo thin# maybe thats it! maybe theyve rn ot o% all the 5otations!

movie and boo# titles! songs and television sho$s and its %inally all over. ;t then ,hc# 8inston appears in

his plaid sports ac#et and starts p another in%ernal rond.*



140

,hapter 1:

(am ga6ed into her %ace $ith that devios epression o% his. Annie $ished hed st pt the Li%evie$er in

place and leave her be.

)r. (trayer $ants yo to spend more time thin#ing abot the di%%iclt times in yor li%e or yore going to

have to start visiting him more o%ten!* (am advised! $ith a grim little smile.

Annie had been loo#ing %or$ard to thin#ing abot the times she and (hane had spent traveling to co%%ee

shops and art ehibits $here he had per%ormed solo a%ter 5aileys Comets had bro#en p. (he resented r.

(trayers intrsion as $ell as the relish $ith $hich (am had in%ormed her abot it.

/here $as an evil light in (ams dar# eyes. Annie coldnt bear to loo# at him anymore. )All right! then!*

she said crisply! )pt on the Li%evie$er.*

/he Li%evie$er bloc#ed ot (am and the bright lights o% the therapy modle. /he screen o% the Li%evie$er

$as blan# $aiting %or her to bring (ophia to li%e.

/hey $anted her to %ace the problems o% her past9 All right! shed give them a particlarly distrbing

memory. r. (trayer shold be pleased.

,y the time $udrey was in high school" ike was the su#ervisor at the small local office of an insurance



141

com#any. Sometimes he would have to take tri#s to the com#anys home office in Iowa or travel somewhere

else to hel# out on home claims after #articularly heavy storms.

7n the Li%evie$er! a vage male %igre $as crising do$n a high$ay in a boyloo#ing atomobile. /he

$eather $as etremely trblent $ith brilliant lightning. "ain and rond chn#s o% some #ind pelted the car.

Annie assmed the chn#s represented hail.

Annie sht her eyes %irmly. (he didnt $ant to see this part o% her li%e triviali6ed by childish animation on a

screen. (he didnt need any visal reminders.

I secretly liked it when ike was away because it seemed much easier to be kind to him over the #hone for

a few minutes here and there than it was to be kind all evening after a long" hard day. $nd it was easier dealing

with $udrey when I didnt have to deal with ike as well.

ike and I lived two se#arate lives. *e worked in his office all day and" until she was old enough to drive"

conveyed $udrey to various after-school activities in the evenings and to and from her friends houses. %hey

bowled together in a league that met one night a week. +hen he was not doing something with $udrey ike

would #ro# himself in front of the television set and 'one out. *e would watch whatever was on 0 a s#orts

event" half-hour sitcoms" hour-long dramas" old movies. *e didnt seem to have any #reference" which I found

odd" and he didnt seem to #articularly enjoy himself either. I never heard him laugh even when the canned

laughter of the sitcoms was loud and raucous. *e would never even glance u# at me as I #assed through the

room. I avoided talking to him at those times because it seemed like an unwanted intrusion.



142

In s#ite of our #oor communications ike and I still had #hysical relations about once a week. I was his

wife and he was my husband and we had desires. ,ut we made love only in a technical sense 0 there was little

real tenderness involved and not much kissing. It seemed as if neither one of us was interested in evoking dee#

emotions. It was not that I didnt care for him" in my way. ,ut after so many difficult years I was afraid of what

might lie beneath his silence. %here is nothing I can think of more horrifying than to tell someone (I love you)

and hear nothing in re#ly.

y relationshi# with $udrey was difficult due to my odd hours and ikes overwhelming involvement in

her life. +hen she had been a child" $udrey had obviously adored me and had always been asking me when we

would do this or that together. ;ow that she was older and involved with her friends it was I who was forced to

seek her attention.

So that one time when ike went out of town on storm claims I was actually ha##y. It was summer and

$udrey was not in school. I was between jobs and even turned down an o##ortunity or two just so $udrey and I

could s#end time together. %he tension that normally filled our home was gone along with ike. I know I was

as much the cause of the tension as he was but that didnt change the fact that I had a good week alone with

$udrey.

She was showing some interest in decorating her room. +e re#ainted her two lam#s a #owdery shade of

blue shed #icked out at the hardware store and covered the lam#shades with decals of starfish and seashells.

+ed gone to visit relatives in aine and $udrey was going through a #hase where she was in love with the



143

sea. +e got out the shells wed bought her at a souvenir sho# along with the few she had actually found on the

beach and dis#layed them in netting we hung from the valance over her window. She #lanned that when she

was older she was going to live in a big" old lighthouse near the ocean. +e got some books at the library on

lighthouses and s#ent time looking through them and reading about life in lighthouses together. $udrey

confided in me about a crush she had on a boy in school and that she wanted to be a model when she grew u#.

I tried my best to encourage her about the modeling in s#ite of my reservations about it. %he boy she was

interested in was older and I was concerned about where a relationshi# between them might lead so I tried to

gently dissuade her from getting too involved with him.

%hen ike came home.

It was a Sunday afternoon. I was sitting on the couch working on some sketches for a job I was starting

the following day. I heard the back door o#en and the sound of a suitcase rattling as it settled on the kitchen

floor. ike a##eared and mumbled (*i") as he #assed through the living room. *e was headed toward the

stairs but I knew he wouldnt find what he was looking for u# there. ($udrey is at Lauras house") I announced

before he got very far. (She wont be home for a while yet. %heyre working on a #roject together for S#anish

class.) ike came back into the living room and sank into the overstuffed chair across from the couch.

*e sat there silently for a few minutes. I could tell something was on his mind and waited for him to s#eak.

+hen the silence continued too long" I looked u#. ike was staring at me with an inscrutable e#ression on his

face. %his sudden attention after so many months of nearly total avoidance made me etremely uncomfortable.



14+

(*ow was your tri#/) I asked" mainly to break the silence. I wished I had not allowed $udrey to go to her

friends house. I liked having her there as a buffer between us.

($nn" I have something to talk to you about") ike said" &uietly. Ann. *e never called me $nn.

(+hat is it/) I asked" reluctantly #utting my sketch#ad down. I was frankly irritated that he had chosen

that #articular time to talk. I had s#ent time with $udrey when I should have been #re#aring for this job and I

needed to com#lete the sketches that evening so I could discuss them with my client the following morning.

;ow ike was home and interfering with my #lans.

(%heres something you should know about") he said. (Something ha##ened while I was away.)

I wouldnt have thought I would have cared about anything ike had been u# to at that #oint in our

relationshi#. ,ut his words #roduced a #hysical sensation in my stomach like a sudden surge of acid and I

found myself suddenly afraid.

(+hat is it/) I croaked. $niety had caused my throat to constrict and I found it difficult to s#eak.

($ few months ago one of our adjusters &uit to take a job with another com#any. I re#laced him with a

woman from our home office. *er name is @ara") ike e#lained.

%he truth was" I had no idea who ike worked with at that #oint. *e had sto##ed talking to me about work



144

long ago and I had not had any reason to visit his office in years. ,ut I could tell where this was heading" and I

was sur#rised to discover how very much it mattered to me. I hadnt reali'ed it before that day but in s#ite of

our #oor relationshi# one of the few things that had been sustaining me was the certainty that at least ike

was faithful to me. I had been subconsciously #ro##ing myself u# with that knowledge for ages and now it was

being mercilessly yanked out from beneath me.

(7oure... seeing this @ara/) I asked" choosing my words carefully. %hey came out sounding as hard as

shards of glass.

ike seemed intent on e#laining things his own way and ignored my &uestion. (+hen @ara first came to

the office she and I went out for lunch a few times with co-workers. %hen one day no one else was available

and just the two of us went. +e had a nice time" a really good time8 we had so much to talk about and seemed

to have a lot in common. +e started having lunch together by ourselves once a week. +ed meet at the

restaurant to kee# #eo#le from talking although its hard to hide things in a small office. I think some #eo#le

sus#ected something was going on between us.)

(%his #ast week @ara and I were sent to the same town for storm duty. +e were assigned rooms at the

same motel. It was a small town and after the long workday there wasnt much to do. %hings just seemed to

ha##en between us. I know it was wrong and Im sorry. I dont intend for it to continue but Im not sure of the

best way to handle it. ne of us will have to leave the office" we cant kee# working together. It doesnt seem

fair to ask her to leave. I might have to re&uest a transfer somewhere. I thought you should know") he

concluded.



14:

I had about a do'en things I wanted to say in res#onse to this revelation but my emotions were all over the

#lace and I couldnt settle on which to say first. I actually o#ened and closed my mouth several times as my

thoughts tried to jell into something intelligible. I found myself awash in anger" fear" and resentment along with

#owerful self-loathing.

I had caused this to ha##en. I had ke#t things bottled u# inside of me and had rebuffed ike until he had

become deft at bottling u# his feelings as well. I had not valued our relationshi# or done anything to nurture it.

4ven though I reali'ed how cul#able I was this betrayal on his #art hurt and it hurt with an intensity that

astonished me. (5o you love her/) I finally asked" my tone more strident and challenging than I had intended.

(I care about her") was his measured answer. (,ut I dont intend to lose my family.) ,y (family) I knew

he meant $udrey. I felt another shar# jab of #ain in my stomach.

(Is this woman married" too/) I asked. I wondered if there was a husband out there somewhere going

through the same #ain I was e#eriencing" damaged by the same acts of betrayal. r #erha#s he was still

blissfully ignorant of them. If so" I envied him.

(@ara is divorced") ike said.

(So shes just a husband-stealing $hore ") I sna##ed" bitterly. I reali'ed as the words came out of my

mouth how #etty and #ointless the remark was but I felt the need to lash out" to #lace the blame elsewhere to



14<

assuage my own sense of guilt. I gave ike a steely glare as I s#oke. It was the first time I had looked at him

since he had started e#laining about @ara. I immediately noticed there was something on his right cheek"

something small and #erfectly still. I eventually reali'ed that it was a mos&uito. 5idnt ike feel its bite/ It

must have stung. I knew it was wrong for me to do nothing but I held my tongue. I decided to let him get bitten -

after what he had done to me I rationali'ed that it served him right.

(Calling @ara names is #ointless") ike remarked" calmly. (She doesnt know you and doesnt owe you

any loyalty. -m the one who strayed" and Im sorry.)

I doubted the seriousness of this a#ology which was given lightly enough. *e was just being res#onsible

and doing what he felt he needed to do to #reserve his relationshi# with his daughter. If he were being honest

he could have #ointed out that I had initially caused and had encouraged the distance that had grown between

us" that I had greatly harmed our relationshi# with my barely hidden contem#t and disa##ointment. *e could

have justly #laced a great deal of the blame on me but he didnt because that wouldnt have served his true

#ur#ose. I resented his lack of moral courage.

I looked over at him and saw that the mos&uito was still there on his cheek. *ow much blood could a

creature that tiny #ossibly hold/ +asnt it sated yet/ I sat focusing on it for a long moment feeling increasingly

anious. Ive always been etremely em#athetic. I cant abide to watch horror movies and things of that nature"

they disturb me almost as dee#ly as if Id been victimi'ed myself. +atching that mos&uito on ikes face was

starting to make me feel lightheaded. I was almost as alarmed as if it were violating some #art of my own body.



14B

(Is something wrong/) ike asked.

*e asked this no doubt because of my sudden silence and the fact that I was staring at him intently but

under the circumstances the &uestion set me off. (f course" something is wrong! I dont intend to move to

Iowa so you can se#arate yourself from your dear lover") I said with all the sarcasm I could muster. %he

insurance com#any he worked for had its home office in 5es oines. (I have a successful business here. Im

not going to try to start over in some rural area where no one a##reciates modern room designs. 7ou agreed I

should do this for a living") I needlessly reminded him.

(It would #robably not involve moving" certainly not to Iowa") ike re#lied. (If I wait a while something

more local should o#en u#.)

(Can you reign in your desires that long/) I asked" disa##ointed in myself for giving in to the urge to say

something so trite. ,y this #oint clichA words and #hrases just seemed to s#ill out on their own whenever I

o#ened my mouth.

(+ill you tell me something honestly" $nn/) ike asked" wearily.

(+hat/) I asked" venturing to glance once more at his face. %he greedy mos&uito was still at work! I

couldnt take much more. Guilt was starting to eat away at me for letting the insect imbibe freely of ikes

blood without saying anything for all that time and I was feeling as &ueasy as if the mos&uito were feasting on

my own bodily fluid instead of his.



14>

(5o you still care about me/ $t all/) ike asked. (Id like to know.)

I did care. I jum#ed u# &uickly and moved toward him. I saw sur#rise and fear s#ring u# in his eyes as he

rose defensively to his feet.

y eyes fastened on the insect on his cheek. ;ow that I was standing right in front of ike it seemed more

monstrous than ever. I could see its long" skinny legs #oised almost elegantly on the surface of ikes skin" its

fragile-looking wings folded ato# its back" its belly swollen and dark" its head #ointed downward with its

needle-like mouth imbedded in ikes cheek as it unabashedly gorged itself.

(+hat are you doing/) ike asked.

I glanced back and forth between ikes cheek and his eyes. *e was looking at me warily" his arms raised

slightly as if he were #re#aring to fend me off #hysically if necessary.

(%heres a mos&uito on your cheek") I informed him.

(+hat/) he asked" his frown dee#ening.

I had s#oken the words clearly and distinctly but he didnt seem to understand. %hinking about it later I

could see why. It was #robably the last thing he e#ected me to say at the time.



1:0

I raised my arm. I had an im#ulse" Ill admit" to hit ike full force in retaliation for his infidelity. ,ut I held

back" trying to match the #ower of the blow to the desired result. %hat said" I was #retty frantic about the

mos&uito by that time and there was no way I wanted to risk letting it esca#e. +hen my hand connected with

ikes cheek I #robably ended u# giving him a #retty decent wallo#.

Even thogh Annie had resolved not to $atch the Li%evie$er animation dring the recital o% this pain%l

memory she cold not resist pee#ing to see ho$ this particlar act $as depicted. (he $as re$arded by seeing

(ophia land sch a blo$ on her hsbands indistinct %ace that he staggered mightily and barely managed to

retain his %ooting. ;irds! stars and other symbols sproted ot o% thin air to circle abot his aching head.

ike stood looking at me in astonishment afterward. It gave me a mean #leasure to know that I was

ca#able of shaking him u# so badly.

(%heres no need to get violent") he admonished" (although I su##ose you have a right to take your anger

out on me. ,ut its a little childish of you" $nn.)

(%here was a mos&uito") I said" over enunciating my words and waving my fingers in front of him. %hey

were covered with a sur#rising amount of ikes blood along with the almost unrecogni'able remains of the

greedy insect that had etracted it.

)8hy didnt yo st say something9* he as#ed.



1:1

,hapter 1<

/hrsday $hen Annie $as pt bac# on the Li%evie$er she contined thin#ing abot ?i#es in%idelity. (he

didnt need to be prodded this time. Do$ that she had reopened her old $ond she %elt the need to deal $ith it

a%resh. /he pain the memory had evo#ed $as almost as #een as the original pain she had s%%ered all those

years ago.

If you had asked me #rior to ikes affair if it would have bothered me if he were unfaithful I would have

re#lied that at that #oint I didnt really care what he did. ,ut after it had actually ha##ened I found that I did

care and I cared a great deal.

ver the years and without my noticing it ike had become #art of my family. +e dont always get along

with our family members" sometimes we wish we were not related to them at all" but they #rovide us with

stability. I had always relied on ike" if for nothing else" just to be there. *e was my steady rock" stable and

reliable.

(ophia loo#ed thoght%lly at a roc#li#e obect that she held cpped in her hand. (he trned it slo$ly and

the name )?i#e* came into vie$! painted on the sr%ace in bold letters.

I had overlooked the obvious fact that he was a #erson with feelings who might react negatively to my

continual disa##roval and resentment. *e wouldnt break u# our family" he cared too much for $udrey to leave"



1:2

but the fact that he obviously disa##roved of me so strongly that he would turn to another woman caught me by

sur#rise. +orse" it damaged my self-esteem.

6or all I had been behaving like a s#oiled child for so long I really had a fragile ego. I had very little

encouragement growing u#" my #arents a##ortioning most of their attention to my brother" itchell. y mother

was distant. y father always gave me the im#ression that my efforts - in school or music or any other

endeavor 0 were never good enough. So ikes betrayal was like another rebuke" this time for not being a good

enough wife. 6or a long time after ike told me about @ara I could not bear to look at myself in the mirror as

if ikes betrayal were due to my not being #hysically attractive enough.

(ophia stood loo#ing at her visage as#ance in a mirror on the $all $ith a pensive epression. Annie %elt

sorry %or her #no$ing ho$ she $as %eeling. (he $ished she cold reassre her Animate in some $ay that she

$as st as cte as she sally $as and that the problem $ith her hsband had nothing to do $ith her oter

appearance.

+hen I did look at my reflection I always focused on my flaws 0 the eyes a little too far a#art" the slight

crookedness of my nose" the thin li#s. I thought I looked hideous.

I suddenly reali'ed how disheveled my a##earance was after a day of #hysical labor" returning home in my

ratty work clothes covered with #aint s#lotches" my hair sticking out ha#ha'ardly from a #onytail Id fashioned

early in the day" #aint caked under my fingernails. y hands were generally red and rough from the chemicals

I used in my work.



1:3

(ophia loo#ed at her paintspattered hands. /hey $ere red and crac#ed and appeared to be actally

throbbing.

I started taking #ains to look better. If I felt comfortable doing so I would wash u# at the clients home

before leaving for the day. If I felt this would be awkward with #articular clients I would sto# at a fast-food

restaurant somewhere and scrub my face and hands in their #ublic washroom. I would take my hair out of the

#onytail and laboriously comb out all of the tangles. I brought along a change of clothes so I wouldnt arrive

home in my grungy overalls. $s a final ste# I would even a##ly some understated makeu# before heading for

home. ;ormally I would only wear makeu# on a first interview with a client or the rare occasions I managed to

make it to church with a few minutes to s#are before the service began.

I started wearing work gloves when I was doing any #ainting or wall#a#ering to #rotect my hands. I had

my hair styled more often. I wanted to make ike want me again in s#ite of my continuing ambivalent feelings

toward him. ,ut he barely seemed to notice me no matter what I did.

(ophias clothes $ere spar#ling clean and her %ace $as taste%lly made p $ith #ohl eye shado$ and a rosy

blsh on her chee#s. 'er hair $as piled elegantly atop her head as i% she had had it done p %or some special

occasion. (he smiled tentatively. 8hen her hsband passed her $ithot a glance she %ollo$ed him $ith the tail

o% her eye and her epression %ell %lat.

I thought about ikes infidelity a lot. 7ou might think that it was the #hysical act itself that weighed u#on



1:+

my mind but that was the least of it. I felt I knew all I needed to know about the actual #hysical involvement

having been ikes seual #artner for so many years. +ell" maybe they had #erformed some variations on the

main theme" I didnt know" but still I could let that go. +hat weighed u#on my mind were the confidences" the

shared conversations that I would never be #rivy to" starting with the interesting lunchtime talks that had

launched this affair.

+hat had they discussed/ I mean" obviously I wondered what ike had told her about me. *ad he trashed

me to her/ *ad he remained stoically silent and just indicated that our relationshi# was (strained)/ +hat in

the world had she said about me! this stranger" a #erson I hadnt even sus#ected eisted/ +hat had she thought

about me/ +hat evil had she wished u#on my head in light of her feelings for my husband/

(ophias hsband sat at a small rond table $ith a chec#ed tablecloth and a vase $ith roses. An indistinct

bt cheer%l $oman sat across %rom him! entranced by something he $as saying. 'er crvaceos legs $ere

ent$ined sedctively and she reached ot a hand and placed it on the mans arm in a proprietary manner. Annie

yearned to reach ot and s$at the $omans hand a$ay.

+hat kind of things had ike told her about himself/ It didnt sound like they had worked together for

very long when these conversations began. +hat had he told her that had im#ressed her/ +hen you first meet

someone its easy to act like youre a nice guy" an interesting guy" a com#assionate guy. She had never had to

live with him and #ut u# with his self-righteousness. She had never had to com#ete with her own daughter for

attention. She had never had him treat her like she was invisible.



1:4

I became obsessed about @ara" the other woman. I asked ike at least once a week if she were still

working in the same office and when he verified she was I would demand to know how long that was going to

continue as if @aras #roimity to ike had any bearing on the continuing fragility of our relationshi#. *e

would re#ly that unless I wanted to move to Iowa we would have to wait for a #osition to o#en u# in some other

field office.

I drove to ikes work a cou#le of times while I was su##osedly out buying su##lies for clients. I #arked in

the lot of the bank net door to ikes office and s#ied through the office windows with binoculars #raying that

ike would not look over and recogni'e our car. I went around lunch time to see if I could catch him leaving

the office with @ara.

(ophia sat in a car! binoclars pressed against her %ace. /hey made her eyes loo# comically large. A sco$l

marred her bro$. /he vie$ sddenly s$itched and Annie cold see dal images o% (ophias hsband in t$o

rond circles srronded by blac#ness. 'e $as seated at a des# tal#ing animatedly on a phone $hile typing

hapha6ardly on a compter #eyboard.

%he first day I was there ike never left the building. I saw several others eiting the building but I had no

idea who they were. %here was one attractive woman with ash-blonde hair that I could not remember having

seen before. She had a nice figure and dressed more #rofessionally than most of the others in a tasteful two-

#iece #eriwinkle suit. I ho#ed she was not @ara but I had not been to the office in years and had no idea who

ikes co-workers were anymore.



1:<

$t least I ho#e she grew u# knowing that I loved her - at least I ho#e I succeeded at that. y own mother

was always rather distant with me and I tried to have a closer relationshi# with $udrey than the one I had had

with her. I was busy with my work and ike tended to mono#oli'e $udreys time but I was careful to do s#ecial

things with her even if it was just making #ancakes together or taking a short walk now and then. I ho#e I was

accessible enough for her.

$s far as ike went" there was always the guilt I carried...

Annie pased! hoping her session $as almost over. (he %elt li#e it shold be bt maybe that $as only

becase these memories $ere sch pain%l ones. (he listened %or the sond o% approaching %ootsteps. @les had

assisted her today. (he cold imagine him removing the Li%evie$er screen and saying )7#ay! Annie girl! time

%or pi66a ba#e and co%%ee*. ;t nothing happened. 7n the screen (ophia stood loo#ing in Annies direction and

tapping her %oot. (trange! Annie had never seen her do that be%ore. All right then! she $old contine.

7ears before ikes infidelity" I had some clients with the last name of 1anks. %his was back when I did

virtually everything myself before I started hiring #art-time hel#ers.

rs. 1anks name was Susan and she was the one I dealt with mostly at the beginning of the job. %hey hired

me to redecorate their living room and dining room which were adjacent to each other.

$t first everything went well. I #ut u# crown molding in both rooms and #ainted it off-white and rs.

1anks was thrilled with the way it looked. She told me more than once that her husband was leaving the



1:B

decorating decisions u# to her and that they entertained fre&uently. I only saw r. 1anks a cou#le of times

during this #eriod. *e had a medium build" dark blonde hair" ha'el eyes and a #encil mustache. *e was

attractive enough" but even from the short glim#ses I had of him I noticed he seemed rather sullen. *e came

into the dining room a cou#le of times while I was working and cast a critical eye around the room then left

without saying anything.

A %ro$ning! male %igre! $hose only de%ining %eatre $as a $isp o% a mstache! $al#ed arond (ophia

$ithot ever glancing in her direction and disappeared %rom vie$. (ophia! dressed in paintspattered coveralls

and a painters cap! contined $ielding her paintbrsh $ith vigor.

I dont remember what she did for a living but after Id been working at their home for a few days Susan

went out of town for some kind of training. She called me before she left and told me that in her absence I

should consult with her husband if I needed anything.

I dont remember r. 1anks first name. I dont think it was anything unusual" so maybe thats why it has

sli##ed my memory. ,ut r. 1anks himself never will.

r. 1anks was a realtor. +henever I saw him he was wearing a beige jacket with his com#anys #atch on

the #ocket. I would never know when he would show u#. Some days I wouldnt see him at all and other days he

would be a constant #resence. I would hear the tenor of his voice from the other room as he talked to #eo#le on

the #hone. +hile I couldnt hear what he saying it was clear when he was talking to clients - his tone would be

jovial to the #oint of obse&uiousness. ,ut when he trai#sed around the house he had a #er#etual scowl on his



1:>

face.

Shortly after his wifes de#arture I s#ent all of one morning #ainting the wall in the dining room I had

#lanned as the focal #oint of the room. I used a s#onging techni&ue to disburse #each" gold and beige #aint

evenly onto the wall. It involved careful a##lication to make the results look uniform across the entire surface.

+hen I was finished I stood back and ins#ected the job carefully. I thought it had come off etremely well and

was #roud of my work. $fter breaking shortly to wolf down a sandwich I had brought for lunch I #roceeded to

a##ly a darker tone to the other walls.

I had just finished #ainting ochre along the baseboard of the first wall when r. 1anks came home. I heard his

steady tread a##roach u#on the wood floors" then sto#. I knew he was ins#ecting my handiwork from that

morning. Since he had not bothered to greet me in any way I just ke#t working but I couldnt hel# feeling

somewhat o#timistic thinking he would surely be im#ressed by what I had accom#lished in his absence.

(+hat kind of cra# is this/) he suddenly blurted out.

'er angry employer accosted (ophia. /he bac#grond behind them loo#ed li#e a peach and gold leopards

s#in.

I sto##ed what I was doing and turned toward r. 1anks" #aintbrush in hand. (4cuse me/) I asked" with

eaggerated #oliteness.



1<0

(+hat did you do to my wall/) he asked" turning to glare at me with slitted eyes.

(%hat wall is going to be the focal #oint of the room") I e#lained. (I s#onge-#ainted it as your wife and I

agreed I should.)

(+ell I didnt agree! I want you to #aint over it") he #ronounced.

(+hat/) I asked" #utting down the #aintbrush. $fter all the effort I had gone through to get the three

shades on the wall consistent I was sorely tem#ted to shove the wet #aintbrush into his #om#ous face and felt

the need to #ut the brush down to circumvent this im#ulse.

(7ou heard me. I want it one color like walls should be - not that #utrid color youve got there" either. Its

too dark. %his room needs to be a nice" light color" like yellow. +hat kind of a decorator are you/) he

challenged" continuing to glare at me.

I stom#ed into the kitchen and brought back a binder. I went u# to r. 1anks and o#ened it. Inside were

sam#les for the living room and dining room including wood for the crown molding and the wall treatments I

intended to use. (r. 1anks" this is what I #resented to your wife and as you can see the wall turned out as we

intended.) I held the binder u# to the wall so he could com#are the sam#le to the results.

*e barely glanced at it. (I dont care what you agreed to" it looks awful. I want you to #aint over it and I

dont intend to #ay etra for it" either.)



1<1

%his was the last straw. I had no real #roblem with re-doing the wall" I had had many clients before who

had changed their minds after my #ainstaking work but when I had delivered what his wife had agreed to I was

not going to eat the cost of the #aint or the waste of my time.

(r. 1anks" I will be ha##y to #aint the wall any color you wish. I would however suggest you discuss it

with your wife before...) I began.

(Susans not here and I am. 1ust #aint it light yellow") he demanded.

(2e#ainting this wall light yellow will take at least two coats of a &uality one-coat #aint to get ade&uate

coverage. r. 1anks" your wife led me to believe you were letting her make the decorating decisions for this

#roject") I tried once more to reason with him.

(I thought she would make good decisions. $##arently she let you influence her too much") he retorted. (I

mean Im sure you charge more for this kind of busy-looking slo# than for just sla##ing on a regular coat of

#aint.)

I bridled at this dismissive characteri'ation of my work. (r. 1anks" I assure you your wife made the

decision herself. I gave her several o#tions and this is what she chose.) I did some &uick reckoning. (%he cost

of the #aint and my labor on this wall comes to roughly eighty-five dollars.) I told him. (Ill be ha##y to #aint

over it but I will still have to charge you for the materials and labor. I have a signed contract with your wife.)



1<2

(7eah" well I wouldnt hold my breath waiting for that #ayment if I were you" sister") he re#lied derisively.

(Im the customer and Im not satisfied.)

($re you trying to tell me you think I did the s#onge-#ainting #oorly/) I asked with a sigh. (7ou can see it

looks just like the sam#le your wife agreed to.)

(4ighty-five dollars for this mess/ It looks like a child flung #aint on there every which way" like some

kind of abstract-cra# #ainting") he said" glaring once more at my handiwork.

I had had enough. I #ut the #aintbrush on some #a#er towels and starting ta##ing down the to# of the

#aint can. I would take the brush home to clean it. I had to get out of that house!

(+hat are you doing/) r. 1anks demanded.

(r. 1anks" obviously were at an im#asse. Im going to go home. +e can talk about this tomorrow") I

re#lied tight-li##ed.

(;ot with this wall looking like this! I want you to get some regular #aint and come back and fi it

today!)

I stood u# tall and faced him. (r. 1anks" by the time I got back with the #aint and a##lied two coats it



1<3

would be late evening. +ere both a little u#set and I think it can wait until tomorrow. If you agree youll #ay

the costs Ill come back then and #aint the room light yellow or any other color you want.)

(4ighty-five dollars for this mess that you have to #aint over/) he asked" fiing me with an icy stare.

(7es. I have to be firm on that - your wife agreed to it. I think she would have liked it") I added" still

ho#ing he might change his mind.

*e started walking toward me with his eyes locked on mine. +hat was he u# to/ *e didnt really look that

threatening but I could only take his action as being somehow aggressive. I backed u# a foot or two and found

myself literally with my back against the wall. *e ke#t advancing toward me.

/he male %igre approached (ophia slo$ly as she $atched him some$hat bgeyed. 'er hands $ere %lat at

her sides open $ith the palms against the )$all* behind her.

(r. 1anks" what are you...) I challenged him.

(I need a little something etra for eighty-five dollars") he stated" coming right u# to me and #ressing

himself against me as he flicked his tongue lightly u# the side of my neck. I could feel his obvious arousal

against my leg.

/he man pt his arms arond (ophia. 'er bac# $as ramrod straight as i% she stood against something



1<+

solid. /he man proceeded to lic# her nec# methodically as i% it $ere some #ind o% ice cream treat.

I was shocked by his actions. y arms were bent at the elbows and #ressed against his chest. I started

using them to try to #ush him away but by the time I had reali'ed what he was u# to I found my body betraying

me by res#onding to his advances. y defense against him was weak and ineffectual. %his was ridiculous! I

disliked this man intensely but suddenly I wanted him. It was like one of those seamy stories in a dirty

maga'ine where two strangers suddenly start going at it like cra'y. I was a woman and he was a man and it

really could be as sim#le as that.

I will not linger on any details and banish long-suffering So#hia from the screen for the sake of r. 1anks.

Suffice it to say we co#ulated like a cou#le of animals. It was oddly satisfying" flailing about with that

demanding" tight-hi##ed" small-minded man" while my hair" face and arms were s#eckled with the #each" gold

and beige #aint he des#ised. $nd it was the start of something that continued until his wife came home over a

week later to find little #rogress on the redecorating #roject ece#t for light yellow dining room walls she had

not re&uested. She reluctantly adjusted to the color scheme when she learned that her husband had insisted

u#on it.

In the end r. 1anks did #ay for all materials and labor.



1<4

,hapter 1B

)-m glad to %ind yo in the recreation modle this $ee#! mom!* Adrey said! sitting net to Annie and

ptting an arm arond her in a side$ays hg.

/he reason this type o% hg $as necessary $as becase Annie $as seated net to ?arissa! one arm lin#ed

throgh the arm o% the nresponsive $oman as she held one o% ?arissas limp hands in hers. )-m glad yo

%ond me! dear!* Annie mrmred.

)- see yove made p $ith ?arissa!* Adrey remar#ed! removing a rather crmpled $hite paper bag %rom

her large handbag.

)-ts not her %alt! the $ay she is!* Annie eplained. )- still thin# she needs a %riend.* Annie patted

?arissas arm $ith her %ree hand.

)- broght yo some o% those chocolate tr%%les yo li#e!* Adrey said! handing one to her mother.

Annie pt it into her moth. (he che$ed it atomatically! li#e a co$ che$ing its cd! bt didnt seem to be

enoying it very mch.

)-s anything the matter! mom9* Adrey as#ed. )=o seem... preoccpied or something today.*



1<:

)Do!* Annie said! )nothings $rong. /ell me! did /im ta#e that ob as spervisor9*

)- didnt even reali6e yod heard me mention that!* Adrey replied $ith a $an smile. )Do! he decided to

stay in his crrent position. -ts less pay bt he gets to se his s#ills and hes happy there.*

)/hats nice then! dear!* Annie remar#ed.

)Dice %or him! - sppose. -t $old have meant a nice raise!* Adrey said! $ist%lly.

/hey sat in silence a $hileC Adrey sipping %rom her cp o% co%%ee! Annie che$ing her chocolate candy!

?arissa staring vacantly at her lap. Eventally Adrey %ro$ned at the game sho$ proected on the %ront $all.

)/he repetitive shoting o% the adience is annoying! mom. - can see $hy it bothers yo.*

)/heres nothing to be done abot it thogh!* Annie replied mildly. );est st to ignore it.*

Adrey trned and stdied Annie in silence. Annie looked the same as al$ays. -n spite o% "ebas

eplanation abot the commnal closet! Annie contined to $ear the %aded go$ns provided by the matration

center. (he sat %acing %or$ard $ith a slight %or$ard slope to her bac#. /he endless game sho$ contined on the

$all be%ore her mr#y ble eyes bt she didnt seem to be %ocsing her attention on it. (he seemed to be

some$here else altogether! mentally. 'er epression $as a tri%le sad.



1<<

)?other! they tell me yo havent been attending the (nday services here lately. ?aybe yo shold start

going to them again. =o might %ind them pli%ting!* Adrey remar#ed.

(=#lifting") Annie sco%%ed! becoming some$hat more animated. )/hey dont se the $ord &od in their

services! st vage re%erences to a Iniversal Po$er. /hey dont read %rom the bible or sing hymns. - dont

thin# &od pays any attention to them so - dont see $hy - shold either.*

As Annie spo#e! Adrey noticed her yello$y$hite hair $as getting too long and $as in disarray. (he too#

a comb ot o% her handbag and started care%lly combing her mothers hair. )"emember ho$ - sed to love to

style yor hair $hen - $as little9* she as#ed.

)- gess yo did!* Annie replied! noncommittally.

)- imagined gro$ing p to become a hair stylist. -ts %n trying on all sorts o% %tres $hen yore a child. -

dont thin# - really $old have li#ed that one! thogh. - imagine it $old have been li#e yor interior

decorating bsiness! dealing $ith %inic#y clients all the time!* Adrey remar#ed.

)(ome people are never satis%ied!* Annie replied $ith a shortlived sco$l.

)8ant another tr%%le9* Adrey as#ed.

)(re.*



1<>

Annie started roc#ing %or$ard then bac#$ard over and over $ith increasing energy.

)8hat are yo doing! mom9* Adrey as#ed.

Annie contined her erratic roc#ing. )/his is ho$ - get p.* Annie replied! some$hat breathlessly.

)8ait ntil - get yo a glyder!* Adrey said! ptting a hand on her mothers sholder and holding it there

ntil she settled do$n.

Adrey moved a$ay and $as bac# moments later $ith "eba directing a glyder. 8ith Adrey holding one

arm and "eba the other they managed to get Annie p %rom her chair and onto the glyder $ith little e%%ort.

As she trned the glyder slo$ly arond! "eba leaned do$n and mrmred! )Adrey has a special srprise

%or yo. - thin# yoll li#e it.*

Annies thoghts had been %ar a$ay bt this insistence o% a pending srprise $as beginning to interest her.

8hat cold it be9 /hey had st celebrated her birthday a %e$ months ago so it coldnt be time %or that again.

8hat cold Adrey possibly have %or her that she $old really li#e9 /hey $oldnt bend their rle abot

monitor screens in the residents rooms $old they9

As they $ent do$n the hall$ay past other residents rooms there $as a glo$ o% color coming %rom each

di%%erent shades o% ble! rose! tealC one $as even an eyepopping red. Annie al$ays #ne$ they $ere coming to



1B0

her room $hen she spotted a plain $hite light. ;t today "eba directed the glyder into a room emitting a

tangerine glo$.

8hen they entered the room! Annie coldnt believe her eyes. (he $as no longer in the 8interhaven

?atration ,enter. (he $as in her old apartment on (hady 7a# Lane /here $as a $indo$ loo#ing ot to$ard

the dll bro$n bngalo$ across the street. 'anging beside the $indo$s $ere the orange! ble and $hite

%lo$ered crtains she had se$ed on a borro$ed se$ing machine. A lo$ boo#case belo$ the $indo$ displayed

boo#s belonging to her and (hane. (he #ne$ the door$ay on one $all led to the #itchen! the door$ay on

another to the bathroom and bedroom. /he remaining $indo$less $all held several pictres inclding a poster

o% Gan &oghs Starry ;ight . /he other pictres $ere precios photographs one she had ta#en o% (hane

per%orming at a co%%eehose! a candid photo (hane had ta#en o% her loo#ing p %rom a boo# she had been

reading! and one o% the t$o o% them together in $hich they both appeared to be sblimely happy. A ble

/i%%anystyle lamp $hich Annie #ne$ had only one small crac# hng %rom the ceiling and illminated this $all.

Annie $ondered i% she had died and gone to heaven bt she cold sense "eba still behind her. ;esides

there $as a bed right in the middle o% her living room instead o% the ratty ble so%a her parents had let her have

%rom their basement. A bed that no$ had a %rame that loo#ed li#e $ood. /he mattress $as covered by a ble

bedspread similar in color and $eave to the %abric that had covered the missing so%a.

Even more incongros than the bed $as the %igre standing net to it. /he Presence Essence machine had

been given a paisley mini dress in orange! bro$n and olive green. Annie 5ic#ly recogni6ed it as a dress she

had once o$ned hersel%. Adrey mst have provided an old photograph o% Annie $earing that dress to the



1B1

creators o% the $allogram. Annie %ond the garbing o% the machine a %resh inslt to her intelligence. ;t as %or

the rest o% the room...

Adrey patted her sholder. )8hat do yo thin#9* she as#ed. )=o al$ays said yo $ere happiest in yor

apartment on (hady 7a# Lane. - $old have li#ed to se the bedroom bt there $erent enogh photographs %or

them to $or# %rom. ;t the living room probably gives yo a better sense o% the place any$ay.*

Annie ga6ed at Adrey $ith tear%illed eyes. )-ts beati%l! honey! st beati%l -t %eels li#e home!* she

said.

)- thin# its beati%l! too!* "eba said! engaging the bra#e on the glyder. )-ll leave yo ladies alone %or a

$hile!* she added! smiling at Adrey over Annies head be%ore leaving the room.

)=o really do li#e it -m so glad!* Adrey said! seating hersel% on the edge o% the bed %acing Annie.

Annie still coldnt believe it. Everything loo#ed st as she remembered it do$n to the radiator $ith

%la#ing paint in one corner and the tall palm tree in the $hite gla6ed ceramic pot that (hanes mother had given

them. Everything loo#ed not only %amiliar bt threedimensional and real. Annie coldnt believe it $as all

some sort o% visal tric# ecept that she #ne$ it had to be. -% the apartment still eisted at all it cold not

possibly still be decorated this $ay. /he palm tree had died months a%ter the pictre had been ta#en! the lamp

had %allen and been bro#en beyond repair! the $indo$ crtains had gone $ith Annie $hen she had moved.



1B2

Annie $as ama6ed at $hatever techni5e they had sed to reconstitte her old apartment. )id this cost a

lot o% money9* Annie as#ed! certain that it mst have.

)Do! mom!* Adrey replied. )/heres no etra cost %or it. /hey st load the images into their compter

and it creates the $allogram and proects it into the room. -t actally consmes less energy than yor lights in

here sed to.*

Annie %elt more com%ortable in the room $ith every minte that passed. )8hat happens at night9* she

as#ed! s#eptically. (he cold imagine the room sddenly disappearing and leaving her %eeling as nhappy as i%

she had a$o#en abrptly %rom a s$eet dream. )o they trn it o%%9*

)Do! they dont!* Adrey replied. )/hey st trn do$n the brightness. -ts spposed to be li#e being in the

same room $ith a streetlight shining dimly throgh the $indo$.*

Annie thoght that sonded lovely. (he cold sleep peace%lly in the dimness o% this room and pretend the

bed $as that %n#y old so%a she sed to sometimes ta#e naps on and pretend that (hane $as ot some$here

playing his msic and that hed be home be%ore she a$o#e in the morning. Lovely. (he coldnt imagine ever

leaving the room again not even to eat or have Li%evie$er sessions. Poor ?arissa might spend the rest o% her

time in the recreation modle alone! not that she $as li#ely to notice.

)?om! -m srprised at yo!* Adrey remar#ed.



1B3

Annie loo#ed p at her! startled. 8hat had she done no$9 )8hat9* she mttered.

)- thoght %or sre yod be nagging me to ta#e yo p to see Incle ?itch. =o $ere so #een on it last

$ee#. ;t yo havent even mentioned him!* Adrey said.

Annie didnt $ant Adrey to #no$ $hat had been preying on her mind since her last Li%evie$er session.

(he %elt some$hat better any$ay no$ that she had her old apartment bac#. 'appy memories had come

%looding bac# displacing some o% the nhappy ones. )-m in no hrry! Adrey!* she admonished so%tly. )?itchs

birthday $ill be here be%ore $e #no$ it.*

)(omething is going on $ith yo this $ee# bt - cant %igre it ot!* Adrey said! %ro$ning slightly. )=o

sre yore o#ay9*

Annie loo#ed arond her $ith a grin on her %ace. )-m incredible!* she replied! )theres no place else -d

rather be right no$ and all is right $ith the $orld*



1B+

,hapter 1>

It really bothered me not telling ike about r. 1anks" Annie thoght as (am $as still $al#ing a$ay %rom

her Li%evie$er chair. ,ut once he confessed about his relationshi# with @ara I knew I could never tell him.

;ot because it gave me moral su#eriority" my knowing about his indiscretion when he knew nothing of

mine. %he thing was that the two situations were so com#letely different. y relationshi# with r. 1anks was

only a #hysical betrayal. It didnt involve the echange of any confidences" any dis#lays of affection" any

revelations about our #ersonal lives.

I su##ose r. 1anks reali'ed I was married. I wore my wedding ring while working 9though not my

engagement ring due to the risk of damage:. ,ut he never asked me about ike or about ike and I and I

never volunteered any information. r. 1anks and I had se together vigorously and in varied ways but we

never discussed anything #ersonal. +e did not" in fact" share lunches where we talked for ages because we had

so much in common. +e did not confide in each other or make any kind of emotional connection whatsoever.

%he day before his wife returned from her training r. 1anks advised me that our time together was over.

*e made the comment" (%his didnt mean anything.) to which I re#lied" (2ight.) $nd that was the end of it.



1B4

+hile the transitory nature of my relationshi# with r. 1anks did not ecuse my behavior it made me feel"

and I think justifiably" that ike was the worst offender between the two of us. y dalliance with my client did

not in any way threaten our marriage. It was destined to burn out &uickly regardless of ikes eistence or his

lack thereof. If I" on the other hand" had died from some ra#id deadly disease" ike and @aras relationshi#

might have grown and they might have ended u# together #ermanently. @ara might have become $udreys

ste#mother. %his was a thought that #lagued me. +hen I considered this #ossibility it usually filled me with

anger and resentment toward ike. ,ut sometimes when I didnt feel like I was fulfilling my role as $udreys

mother very well I would think that maybe it would have been better for her if things had turned out that way

even though $udrey was already in her early teen years and well on the road to adulthood.

So with the hefty wedge that @ara and" to a much lesser etent" r. 1anks" re#resented between us" ike

and I stumbled along together through life. Sometimes I was so discouraged I was tem#ted to take u# drinking

but I just didnt have a taste for alcohol. I tried to find some hobby to take my mind off of our #roblems but

nothing much a##ealed to me. I read my bible and #rayed fervently seeking the #eace that #asses

understanding. Im sure it was my own fault that I never found it during that stage in my life. I just wasnt able

to hand over my #roblems to God. aybe I feared that without them I would find that I had nothing at all.

I worked hard and came home and did what I could for $udrey but between ike and her other friends she

was often too busy for me.

ring these thoghts the images on the Li%evie$er %lctated rapidly %orming no coherent story. (ophia



1B:

$as alternately sad and angry and brie%ly held a coc#tail glass that 5ic#ly disappeared. ?ale %igres came and

$ent $ith no apparent prpose. /eenaged Adrey brie%ly accompanied a $oman $ho might have been Kara

then the $oman $as gone and Adrey $as srronded by a grop o% other teenaged girls $hen she sddenly

disappeared hersel%. At another nctre (ophia seemed to be cltching something resoltely to her chest that

an immense hand %rom above $as trying to ta#e %rom her. -t $as a disointed mble o% reminiscences that

made Annie %eel deeply sad.

Annie $ished the Li%evie$er session $ere over and that she cold go bac# to the com%orting srrondings

o% her ne$lyimaged room. /hin#ing abot her old (hady 7a# Lane apartment broght bac# pleasant

memories. (he chose to %ollo$ this ne$ train o% thoght and abandoned her misery %or another day.

+hen Shane and I lived in the a#artment on Shady ak Lane I worked full-time as a cashier at the local

grocery store. I wore a big name tag that read (*i" Im $nn. 7oull always find the freshest #roduce at 6resh

arket). I had lost all interest in accounting and had dro##ed out of college. y lack of a #lan for the future

didnt worry me at the time. I was young and in love.

(ophia stood behind a large s5are obect that represented a sales conter. (he $as $earing a %ll $hite

apron li#e a che%. (he $as smiling beati%ically and there $as an nde%ined male %ace %loating in a heartshaped

thoght balloon over her head.

Shane continued to work #art-time with his brother 5anny doing landsca#ing work but his focus was his

musical career. ,y then he had walked away from 5aileys Comet which had subse&uently broken u#. *is



1B<

former band mate ,arry eventually moved to ;ew 7ork to study acting. *e ended u# as a successful stock

broker with three unsuccessful marriages.

Shanes solo music was a com#letely different style than the blaring rock 5aileys Comet used to #rovide.

It could be categori'ed as soft rock with a strong folk music influence. *e wrote sim#le" lovely melodies that

ran through my mind even while I stood at the cash register of the 6resh arket grocery store.

?sical notes seemed to literally %lo$ throgh the air into (ophias right ear and to %lo$ bac# ot throgh

her le%t as she rang p groceries on a boy cash register.

any of Shanes songs were carefully crafted stories. *is lyrics were vitally im#ortant to Shane and he

could s#end several days agoni'ing over every word of a new song. Sometimes he would suddenly jum# out of

bed at night because his resting mind had come u# with the #erfect line for a song he was working on" or

maybe he had had a new ins#iration.

I didnt mind the disru#tion to my slee#" even though I usually had to get u# and go to work in the

morning. It was eciting to live with a creative #erson. I was Shanes biggest fan and couldnt wait to see what

he would come u# with net. I was #retty non-musical myself although he sometimes #ressed me into service

when he needed someone to #rovide some vocal harmony. %hose times were nerve-wracking for me. I didnt

like even standing in front of a crowd. +hen he needed me to #erform I would wear dark sunglasses to hide

behind.



1B>

having them made in the first #lace.

(ophia $as selling small s5arish things to miscellaneos people. /hey loo#ed too small to be cassette

tapes thogh! and reminded Annie more o% sgar cbes. (he $ondered idly $hat in the $orld (ophia $as p

to... selling some #ind o% illicit street drgs9 8as technology so advanced that the people $ho had programmed

the Li%evie$er had no idea $hat cassette tapes $ere9 8hat $old appear i% she thoght abot record albms9

%here were some wonderful times. Shane #erformed at an art fair in undelein once and Ill never forget

it. It was a #erfect summers day. %here was warm sunshine" a gentle bree'e" and a clear blue sky as far as the

eye could see. %he #lace was #acked with interesting looking #eo#le8 the middle-aged men in #ale slacks and

cotton shirts" their wives for the most #art in colorful cotton skirts and to#s" chunky jewelry and big hats. %here

was a s#attering of younger #eo#le of both sees dressed in blue jeans and tie-dye shirts. %he chairs the fairs

staff had set u# in front of the musicians tent were inade&uate to accommodate the crowd and there was a

large grou# standing behind them" craning their necks this way and that trying to get a glim#se of the

#erformers.

A male msician $as singing p a storm $hile occasionally setting the strings o% his gitar vibrating $ith

one grand s$eep o% his arm. /he cro$d in %ront o% him $as %aceless. 8ithot %eatres it $as impossible to

discern the mood o% this sea o% people ma#ing them seem vagely menacing to Annie.

%his was early on in Shanes solo career and he had not enlisted me to #erform with him yet. I dressed in

what I imagined to be an artsy kind of outfit - a #ur#le and teal long cotton skirt and white #easant-style to#



1>0

with short #uffy sleeves. I wore sim#le brown leather sandals on my feet. I had #ulled my then long hair back

into a loose knot. Intricate beaded earrings swung from my earlobes as I walked about the edges of the crowd

trying to get a sense of the im#ression Shane was making.

(ophia santered abot the Li%evie$er screen arond a mass o% vagely hman shapes loo#ing li#e a sltry

gypsy in her long s#irt and ridiclosly long earrings. (he $as smiling broadly and shaded her eyes %rom the

sn $ith one hand against her bro$.

Shane never gave any thought to what he wore" the music was all that mattered to him" but I felt

a##earance was im#ortant. $s a concession to me he had agreed to wear a vest I had found at a second-hand

store over a sim#le white shirt. %he vest looked like ta#estry with hounds and hares on it in shades of brown

ranging from caramel to rust. Standing with the crowd I thought it looked good on him even though it was

im#ossible to see the details from more than a few feet away. *is wavy hair was im#ossibly awry8 I had tried

all kinds of hair s#rays" gels and mousses on it but nothing ever tamed it.

I had to admit watching him with an unbiased eye that Shane had a rather homely face. ,ut once he

started to sing I imagined the audience forgot any lack of conventional beauty drawn in by his voice and the

s#ell of his words.

Shane sat under the o#en-sided white tent #erched on a wooden stool we always carried with us. *e said

he felt rushed if he was standing when he #erformed and his kind of music needed to be #erformed at a relaed

#ace.



1>1

/he msician %igre sat on a stool per%orming in his a$#$ard! nonrhythmic $ay as (ophia stood and

$atched $ith a doting smile.

Shane didnt say much in the way of introducing his songs" just a #ertinent line or two. *e #robably had

what he intended to say as carefully #lanned as his song lyrics because I noticed his remarks varied little from

venue to venue" but he always managed to make his words sound etem#oraneous. I envied his ability to do

that. nce when I was #erforming with him his micro#hone cut out in the middle of a song and" standing in

front of the only live mike" I felt I had to say something. I tried to be funny. (I guess someone didnt #ay the

electric bill this month) I &ui##ed too loudly" causing feedback. f course" my remark didnt make any sense as

my micro#hone was still working. ;o one laughed. 4ven hiding behind dark glasses I turned beet red with

embarrassment.

,ut Shane was never uncomfortable in front of a mike. I always admired the fact that when he introduced

the song he wrote about rs. ur#hy he never mentioned anything about her murder. $nyone else might have

brought it u# to milk the audiences sym#athy but Shane focused on what a good neighbor she had been and

how kind she had been to him. I always ho#ed that if rs. ur#hy had lived she would have liked me and

would have thought that I was a good match for Shane.

An elderly %emale %igre stood bet$een (ophia and the male msician and patted them both on the bac#

$hile smiling benignly. /here $as something %loating above her head and it too# Annie a moment to reali6e it

$as spposed to be a halo.



1>2

%hat day at the art fair was a high #oint in Shanes career. %he crowd in general was attentive and

a##reciative. +hen Shane made amusing remarks they res#onded with gentle laughter that seemed to roll in

like the tide. +hen he sang they were remarkably &uiet considering the si'e of the crowd. $nd when he ended a

song they res#onded with euberant a##lause. I felt so #roud of him. It was such a #ositive e#erience for us

both that we laughed and talked animatedly the whole ride home buoyed u# by the memory of it. I often wished

they had had video recorders back then so we could have ca#tured a sense of it to enjoy later when life was not

as #leasant and things were not going as well anymore.

In reality" there was rarely an actual crowd when Shane #erformed. I have very few memories of venues

that boasted a crowd anywhere near the si'e of the one at that art fair. ostly Shane #erformed at #laces where

the turnout was small" sometimes almost non-eistent.

*e tried to stay u#beat about it but I remember how u#set he was after #erforming at one #articular

bookstore the following year. It was the first #lace he had #layed in several weeks and the only #eo#le #resent

were a teenaged girl behind the counter of the coffee bar and a college-aged guy sitting at a table working on

some homework. %he girl ga'ed at Shane im#assively throughout the whole #erformance rubbing a cloth over

the counter occasionally to look busy in case the manager came by. %he guy doing homework glanced at Shane

a time or two with what I took to be annoyance. %he music must have been disturbing his concentration.

ar# s5iggles representing anger collected above the %igre o% a male sitting at a table $ith an open boo#!

scribbling animatedly on some paper $hile sco$ling. /he msician p %ront #ept singing and sporadically



1>3

strmming his gitar.

I was also there" of course. I always came to Shanes #erformances ece#t for those rare occasions when

they were arranged at the last minute and I couldnt get the time off from work. therwise I would sit where

Shane could easily see me and do my best to make sure I was smiling in an encouraging manner whenever he

ha##ened to glance my way.

(ophia sat at a table smiling gamely at the msician %igre be%ore her.

$fter the #erformance ended Shane uncharacteristically sna##ed at me when I collected the #oster out of

the window on our way out. (Its not necessary to bring that one home") he said" (I couldnt forget this fiasco

if I tried.)

(Its #robably just the weather") I re#lied" trying to console him. It was an unusually warm and sunny day

for that late in the fall. (4veryones #robably outside enjoying this last gas# of summer.)

Shane was sullen and silent as we drove home. It was a long drive and I couldnt hel# feeling good. It was

a gorgeous late afternoon and the air smelled fresh and clean blowing in through my #artly o#ened window. I

would have turned on the radio if Shane had been in a better mood but I didnt think I should risk it. I guess I

eventually started humming one of his tunes without reali'ing it.

(Cut it out") he said" (I dont want to hear any of that music right now.)



1>+

(%heres nothing wrong with your music") I retorted.

(Isnt there/) Shane asked. (If there isnt" why isnt anyone interested in hearing it/)

(%hey will be interested when they find out it eists") I countered. (7ou just have to kee# #lugging away.

7ou cant let a bad e#erience here or there sidetrack you.)

Shane turned toward me when we were sto##ed at a red light. ($nnie" do you reali'e weve been at this for

almost two years now/ $nd were no further along now than when we started. +hat do we have to show for it

all ece#t for those #osters collecting dust in the closet/) Shane asked. I #ointed ahead to show him that the

light had turned green just as the driver of the car behind us honked his horn.

/$o boy cars $ere on the Li%evie$er screen. /he rond green tra%%ic signal be%ore the %irst car $as

absrdly large. /he $ords )toottoot* emanated %rom the hood o% the car in the rear.

(7ouve sold some ta#es of your music") I re#lied" ($nd Ive sent co#ies to radio stations all over the

state. Something could come of them at any time. 7ou never know when your big break might ha##en!)

(I tell you" $nnie" I dont know how much longer I can kee# on with this") Shane muttered.

%his was the first time Shane had ever talked about giving u# #erforming. It was alarming to me. I



1>4

believed the things I had been saying to him. I believed in his talent and thought he was bound to be successful

sooner or later.

I reached over and #atted his right thigh. (Its going to be all right" sweetheart") I said reassuringly.

(7oure scheduled at a coffeehouse two weeks from tonight. %he last time you #erformed there it was a #retty

big crowd. %hings will turn out differently then.)

*e shrugged. ($nd if its a good night at the coffeehouse... what then/ +e sell a ta#e or two" maybe three/

+here will that get us/ I just dont see how this ever amounts to anything" $nnie. I dont see how this gets us

anywhere.)

I knew what he meant but to me life was good as long as Shane had his music and we were together. I

really didnt need anything more than that. I felt certain he was just in a bad mood because of the dismal

turnout at the bookstore. *e could never seriously consider giving u# his music! I allowed the conversation to

la#se into silence and turned slightly toward the window to enjoy the deliciously warm air rushing toward my

face. I ga'ed at the hori'on and drank in the fantastic #inks and #ur#les of the sunset. I was content.



1>:

,hapter 20

Annie #ept glancing over at the gangly boy sitting in the chair net to Adrey. 'is dar# hair $as short and

bristly on top bt long on the sides. 'e had a tattoo arond his nec# that loo#ed li#e a dog cho#er. 'is clothes

$ere all blac#! in %act they $ere made o% some ne$ material that had a 6ero light re%lection rating and the

blac#ness seemed li#e a deep! in#y pool instead o% a thin layer o% %abric. ,reepy. -% he had been a teenager he

$old have seemed sinister. ;t he $as only ten years old.

)=ore sre this is ho$ all boys his age loo#9* Annie as#ed! s#eptically.

)- assre yo it is! mom!* Adrey sighed. );y net month itll probably be something completely

di%%erent.*

)ont yo thin# he might regret that tattoo some day9* Annie as#ed! ga6ing once more at the metallic

loo#ing lin#s that encircled the boys throat.

)-ts not a permanent tattoo! its st temporary. /hey pt the in# in the oter layers o% the s#in. /hey se a

ne$ process and its garanteed to loo# good %or at least a month. 8hen it starts to loo# bad yo rn a special

magnet over it and the pigment in the in# trns clear. -t literally disappears. -t sloghs o%% later $ith the s#in.

/heyre very poplar $ith the yonger #ids!* Adrey eplained.

Ever since giving her a hal%hearted hg pon their arrival the boy had been staring into space and seemed



1><

to be rolling some #ind o% small ball arond in each hand. Annie had noticed the small e$elli#e obects on his

temples similar to the ones his sister had $orn on her last visit! bt it coldnt be a proectionphone becase

@eremy never spo#e a $ord.

)8hats he loo#ing at so intently9* Annie as#ed.

)'es playing an air boardsoccer video game. 'is team sally has a game on (atrdays bt they had to

cancel today. /he $eathershield over the par# is on the %rit6 again and its raining ot!* Adrey eplained.

)/hey need a ne$ shield bt the par# district re%erendm didnt pass. Do one $ants their property taes to go

p again. /hey $ere st raised 3J to cover the cost o% ptting a higravitrol in the high school.*

)A $hat9* Annie as#ed! %eeling hopelessly behind the times.

)A higravitrol. /hese days by the time #ids reach their teens theyre sally hopelessly obese. A higravitrol

allo$s the administration to increase the amont o% gravity in the school. /he #ids need to se more e%%ort and

energy getting %rom class to class and to participate in gym. /he schools also provide special lo$%at synthetic

meals. /he #ids love them they taste li#e rich lasagna! cheesy pi66as! spicy tacos bt the meals have almost

no calories. A%ter %or years at the high school! the #ids are on average 20J thinner than $hen they started.*

Adrey eplained.

)8hat abot the teachers9* Annie as#ed. );y the time they retire they mst be emaciated*



1>B

)-% the teachers have any health isses! theyre allo$ed to teach via a vie$ screen %rom a normal gravity

room o%% camps!* Adrey replied! pasing to drain the last drop ot o% her co%%ee cp. )/hey have an assistant

in the actal classroom to maintain order. ;t i% the teacher is basically healthy they st provide them $ith a

high %at! high calorie lnch to o%%set all the eercise they get.*

Annie let all o% this in%ormation sin# in be%ore responding. )Arent the schools spposed to teach9 8hen

did it become their ob to redce obesity9*

Adrey sighed. )8hen the tapayers voted %or them to do it! - gess. -m not saying - agree $ith it mother

bt /im and - get to help pay %or it regardless. /he $eathershield $old have been more se%l %or s! thogh.

/han# &od or children are physically active.*

Annie $atched @eremy %or a moment. /he only physical activity he $as involved in at the moment

concerned his hands. /he $ay he $as rolling those balls arond in his hands reminded Annie o% someone

preparing to shoot craps. /he intensity on his %ace as he stared at some image Annie coldnt see $as

disconcerting. @eremy sddenly shoo# his head grimly as i% agreeing $ith her assessment. 'is %ingers $ent

limp and still. Annie conclded he mst have st lost a match in his game.

Adrey leaned closer to Annie and spo#e in a lo$ voice. )?om! theres something - need to tal# to yo

abot. /hey called me this $ee# to tell me yore sddenly having more... accidents. o yo have any idea $hy

this is happening9*



1>>

Annies bro$s %rro$ed. )8hat did they call yo %or9 /hats my private bsiness!* she snapped.

)=o #no$ they li#e to #eep the %amily p to date on things!* Adrey replied. )8hy do yo thin# its

happening9 o yo $ant me to noti%y r. (tevenson9*

Annie coldnt help thin#ing this $as ironic. 7% all the times she had $anted Adrey to call the doctor!

no$ she $as o%%ering to do it $hen there $as no need. )r. (tevenson cant help $ith this. ont bother him

abot it!* Annie replied! annoyed. )-ts not anything physical. /he trth is! its becase o% the $indo$.*

)/he $indo$9* Adrey repeated! con%sed.

)=es! the $indo$ in my room!* Annie hissed! lo$ering her voice. Adrey had to lean closer to catch her

$ords. )/he voiding station in my room is sitated directly nder the pictre $indo$ o% (hady 7a# Lane.

8hen - need to se the voiding station - %eel li#e -m mooning the neighborhood $ith my old! s#inny btt -

imagine st $hat it $old loo# li#e! standing do$n in the street and loo#ing p at that $indo$. And - cant

per%orm. Dothing happens. /hen $hen - go bac# to bed - have an accident.*

);t thats ridiclos* Adrey eclaimed. )-ts st a proection! theres no real $indo$ there.*

Annie li%ted a sha#y %inger and pointed it at her o$n temple. )- #no$ that p here!* she said! )bt - still

%eel li#e -m on display. -ts li#e a dream $here yore na#ed in %ront o% everybody.*



200

)'ave yo told anyone abot it9* Adrey as#ed.

)8hat good $old that do9* Annie as#ed! 5erlosly. )/hey cant close the proected drapes! can they9*

)?aybe they can trn the proection o%% $hen yo se the voiding station!* Adrey replied sensibly.

Annie pased a moment $ith prsed lips. (he leaned bac# in her chair. )- hadnt thoght o% that!* she

admitted. )7% corse that $old seem #ind o% odd my room disappearing every time - need to... yo #no$! and

reappearing again $hen -m throgh. ;t it might solve the problem.*

)7ther than that are yo still happy $ith yor room9* Adrey as#ed! belatedly prodcing a bag o%

chocolates %rom her prse. Annie thoght it odd she hadnt even missed them. (he mst have been distracted by

@eremy and his odd occpation.

)-m very happy $ith it. Even thogh not one bit o% it is real - %eel so mch more com%ortable no$. /han#

yo %or thin#ing o% it! honey!* Annie replied! leaning %or$ard to pat Adreys hand! a%ter $hich she accepted a

chocolate and placed it in her moth. -t had a raspberry %illing. 8hat a nice srprise (he got tired o% the

caramels and the tr%%les sometimes tasted a little stale. Adrey $as sch a good girl. Annie $anted to tell her

that! bt her moth $as too %ll and by the time she $as %inished che$ing and s$allo$ing the candy she had

%orgotten $hat she had $anted to say.

)Incle ?itchs party is coming p in st t$o $ee#s!* Adrey remar#ed. )- schedled yo %or a hairct the



201

day be%ore.*

)Anna die!* Annie said! thic#ly.

)8ho died9* Adrey as#ed! patting Annies hand and loo#ing appropriately concerned.

Annie s$allo$ed. ) $nd a dye. - $ant my hair dyed.*

)-ts been years since yo had yor hair dyed!* Adrey replied. )- thin# it loo#s nice as it is. Are yo sre

yo $ant to start $ith that again9 -t ta#es a long time to gro$ it ot i% yo change yor mind.*

)- $ant it honey blonde!* Annie insisted. )- havent seen ?itch in a long time and - dont $ant him

thin#ing - loo# old.*

)?om! - imagine Incle ?itch loo#s pretty old himsel%!* Adrey pointed ot.

)'e shold loo# old!* Annie remar#ed! )hes almost three years older than me*

)7#ay! mom. -ll stop by early the day o% the party to help yo get ready. Are yo sre yo have

appropriate clothes to $ear9* Adrey as#ed.

Annie loo#ed do$n at the %aded r%%les o% her go$n. )- cant $ear this old thing to ?itchs party* she



202

eclaimed.

)?om! "eba eplained to yo abot the clothes yo have here!* Adrey replied! calmly. )/hey #eep them

in the commnal closet.*

)8here is it9* Annie as#ed! glancing abot as i% there might be some hge closet in the observation

modle she had never noticed be%ore.

)- thin# its actally on another %loor. ;t yo can choose yor clothes %rom a compter screen and the

attendants $ill bring them to yo!* Adrey replied.

At that momen! elores came $al#ing by directing the glyder o% the $oman in the ".7.E. Annie had seen

in the recreation modle. /he $oman still loo#ed trobled by the air blo$ing all abot her.

)ee ... ee $ait a minte!* Annie commanded.

elores pased! glancing not only at Annie bt si6ingp her daghter and grandson as $ell. )8hat is it!

Annie9* she as#ed $ith a sigh. )-ve got to get Patty here to the hygiene modle so she can get cleaned p

properly be%ore lnch.*

)- $ant to see the compter $ith the pictres o% my clothes in it!* Annie said! )the ones - have in the

closet.*



20+

it p later.*

)/han#s! elores!* Adrey said as elores ndged the glyder and set it into motion. /he $oman in the

".7.E. appeared to be trying to say something to Annie bt her $ords $ere dro$ned ot by the hiss o% the air

ets.

)- dont loo# anything li#e ?itch!* Annie insisted a%ter elores $as ot o% earshot.

Adrey $as absorbed in getting the device to $or#. )-m sre she $as st trying to be complimentary!*

she remar#ed.

),omplimentary9* Annie %med. )/he last time - sa$ a pictre o% ?itch he loo#ed li#e a da%%y old %ool

$ith a blbos nose and a tac#y nec#tie. 'o$ is it a compliment to compare me to that9*

Adrey pased and loo#ed at Annie $ith concern. )=ore not going to say something li#e that to Incle

?itch at his party are yo9 7r to Alicia9*

)7h! come on Adrey!* Annie chided! )- have better manners than that. - st dont appreciate being

compared to ?itch. ?y parents did it all the time and - never came ot the $inner.*

Adrey $as still hard at $or# again trying to %igre ot ho$ to se elores device. )Listen mom! - never

#ne$ yor mother! &od rest her sol! and &randpa @oe died $hen - $as too little to remember mch abot him



204

bt it coldnt have been that bad. - mean yo #eep telling me they pre%erred Incle ?itch to yo bt yo

married a sccess%l man and yo had a good career yorsel% as an interior decorator. =o even $on an a$ard

Incle ?itch $as a la$yer and a senator bt yo $erent eactly a %ailre yorsel%.*

)7h! dont try to be so reasonable!* Annie contered! )/here $as nothing reasonable abot their pre%erence

%or ?itchell. 'e $as the %irstborn. 'e $as the son. /hey might as $ell not have bothered to have me at all. -

$as etraneos.*

)8ell! heres the start o% yor $ardrobe!* Adrey said! holding the small screen in %ront o% Annies %ace.

Annie had di%%iclty %ocsing on the tiny image. )-s that a teal s$eater9* Annie as#ed! moving her head

slo$ly right and le%t as i% trying to get a clearer vie$. 'er reading glasses $ere in her room. )-ve never had a

s$eater li#e that! have -9*

)-ts a dress! mother!* Adrey replied. )/eal $ith $hite spots on it and a $hite collar. -ts the dress yo

$ore $hen /im and - celebrated or tenth anniversary.*

Annie remembered the occasion clearly. Adrey and /im had thro$n a big party at their hose. Annie had

sat on their massive dec# stationed nder a big (n%lo$er snshield that trned atomatically in response to the

sns location throghot the day and #ept the sns rays at bay. -t didnt seem very long ago. 'er eyes

$andered over to her grandson $ho $as still lost in his hightech game play. 'adnt @eremy been st a toddler

at the time o% the party9 (he remembered him ta#ing the steps to the dec# a$#$ardly! one at a time! as i% they



20:

$ere very high. (he also remembered him s5atting do$n and opening his hand to drop some peants on the

grass and his delighted giggles as their pppy had scar%ed them p and had then mped on @eremy #noc#ing

him do$n. (he loo#ed at her grandson $ith a p66led epression. /his tall! $ell%ormed boy $ith already a hint

o% %acial hair on his pper lip... i% this $as the same boy as the one at the party it mst have ta#en place seven

or eight years ago. 'o$ cold it have been that long $hen she cold practically still smell the scent o% lavender

in the air! hear the mrmring o% the gests and taste the delicate %lavor o% the crab ca#es Adrey had broght

her9 'o$ cold the memory be that old $hen it $as still so vivid9

Annie decided that $earing the teal dress $old ma#e her %eel sad and remind her ho$ 5ic#ly precios

time $as passing. )8hat else do - have9* she as#ed! handing the device bac# to Adrey.

Adrey scrolled throgh the selections ma#ing comments as she $ent. )/op... another top...

slac#s...slac#s... btton do$n s$eater...top... not many dresses! -m a%raid. 8ait! heres one.* (he handed the

vie$er bac# to Annie.

/he image on the screen $as a bttercp yello$! that mch Annie cold ma#e ot. (he tried to get it into

%ocs bt never scceeded very $ell. 'ad she ever o$ned a yello$ dress9 )/his is my dress! yo say9* Annie

as#ed s#eptically.

)-ts a t$o piece sort o% sit. ont yo remember having it9* Adrey as#ed.

Annie shoo# her head. )- dont remember anything yello$.*



20<

)/he top has midlength sleeves and a sort o% scooped nec#line! matching pearl bttons. /he s#irt is plain

and straight. - thin# its rather nice!* Adrey remar#ed.

);t - dont remember it!* Annie insisted. )=ore sre its mine9*

Adrey nodded. )-ts do$n nder yor room nmber. - thin# - remember yo $earing it sometime or other.

-t $old loo# nice $ith yor nec#lace! the one $ith the pearls and gold beads.*

Dec#lace9 )o yo have my e$elry! Adrey9* Annie as#ed. (he sed to have lots o% nice e$elry! some

epensive pieces ?i#e had gotten %or her on special occasions bt also lots o% e$elry $ith semiprecios

stones and beads and shells! pieces she had pic#ed p %or hersel% at varios cra%t %airs and the mall. -t had never

occrred to her be%ore to $onder $hat had become o% it all.

)- have all o% yor e$elry at home! mother!* Adrey assred her. )- #no$ - shold bring some o% it here

%or yo to $ear bt - dont #no$ ho$ to decide $hich pieces. =o sholdnt have anything here thats too

valable... yo #no$! something might happen. ;t maybe net $ee# -ll bring it all in and yo can decide

$hat yo $ant to #eep here.*

)All right! dear!* Annie said! ecited at the prospect. (he coldnt remember most o% the e$elry she had in

her e$elry boes! it $old be li#e delving into a treasre chest raised %rom the ocean %loor. /he only e$elry

she had been $earing since coming to the matration center $as an anti5e gold ring that sed to belong to her



20B

mothers mother. A%ter ?i#e had died she had not %elt com%ortable $earing her $edding band anymore and had

sbstitted her grandmothers ring %or it. -t %it her per%ectly and %illed the physical void le%t by her $ido$hood.

/he emotional void $as another matter.

)Are $e agreed yoll $ear yor yello$ t$opiece to the party9* Adrey as#ed. )8e shold probably have

them get it ot net $ee#end so $e can ma#e sre it still %its yo properly.*

)- gess it $old be all right!* Annie agreed. (he $as crios to see it as $ell as the e$elry. ?aybe then

she $old remember $hat she had boght it %or and $here she had $orn it.

)/he only other dress - see here is the blac# one yo $ore to dads %neral!* Adrey remar#ed! ptting the

compter device do$n on the small table net to her chair. )- dont thin# yod $ant to $ear that one.*

)Do!* Annie replied! althogh as she recalled it $as an elegant dress and $old be appropriate %or an

pscale party. ;etter to dress in a happier color. ;esides! it $old remind her too mch o% ?i#es sdden death

and %neral. (he had still been in a sort o% shoc# $hen she had prchased that dress! the %irst blac# dress she

had come across at the store. -t $as only later that she had noticed ho$ lovely it $as.

)Are $e going home soon! mother9* a tenor voice $ith a hs#y ndertone as#ed.

Annie loo#ed arond in srprise $ondering $ho in the $orld had spo#en. ;t Adrey had things in hand.



20>

)-n a minte! @eremy!* she replied to her son.

(re enogh! @eremy $as actally loo#ing at Adrey. /he rhinestone obects on his temple $ere no longer

glo$ing. Annie loo#ed at her grandsons hands relaed on the arms o% his chair. 8hat had he done $ith the

balls he had been cltching9 (he got the notion that they had %allen %rom his grasp and she glanced at the %loor

arond his chair epecting to %ind them rolling arond do$n there some$here on their o$n. ;t there $as

nothing there.

Adrey $as #issing her chee#. )8e have to be going! mom. =or things are sa%e in the hope chest! - dont

have time to %ish ot the #ey bt believe me - have it. 'ere are the rest o% yor chocolates!* she pressed a small

$hite bag into Annies hand. )Det $ee#end $ell get things ready %or Incle ?itchs party. @eremy! give yor

grandmother a #iss.*

/he boy rose sheepishly and lmbered over to Annies chair. 'e bent do$n and brie%ly brshed his lips

against her chee# $hile $rapping his arms loosely arond her. 'e smelled pleasant li#e shampoo and spearmint

gm. 'e released her and moved to his mothers side.

)/han# yo %or coming to see me! @eremy!* Annie chirped $ith a smile. /hey came to see her so rarely! her

grandchildren! that Annie %elt it necessary to encorage them. )Please come bac# again soon.*

)(re! grandma!* @eremy mttered! glancing do$n at his %eet. For the %irst time Annie noticed his shoes

$ere that same! in#y blac#ness as his shirt. 7dd! %lat loo#ing st%%. (he coldnt nderstand $hy it $as so



210

poplar.

Adrey scooped p the compter device %rom the table. )&oodbye! mom. -ll see yo net $ee#.*

)&oodbye! dear!* Annie replied! )- love yo.*

)- love yo! too!* Adrey said $ith a smile that reminded Annie! st %or a moment! o% the a$#$ard and

sel%conscios child Adrey sed to be.

-t $asnt ntil Adrey $as handing in elores compter device at the conter that Annie remembered she

hadnt told Adrey abot the throbbing pain shed been getting in the big toe on her right %oot. (hed have to try

to get one o% the attendants to call r. (tevenson abot it.

,hapter 21

-t $as a good day. (omeho$ the snshine coming in the (hady 7a# Lane $indo$ that morning had

seemed particlarly bright and pleasant. /he oatmeal they had served $ith her brea#%ast had not been as thin

and bland as it normally $as and the tea had been nice and hot and almost %lavor%l. And to top it o%% @les $as

the one $ho had come to escort her to her Li%evie$er session.

)id yo st get a hairct9* Annie as#ed him.



211

)- cant get anything past yo! Annie!* @les replied! holding her hand as she settled into a glyder. (he too#

perhaps a little longer than necessary to do so st to enoy the toch o% an attractive male %or a moment longer.

'is hand $as $arm and large compared to Annies! the s#in smooth and tannedloo#ing compared to her

almost lminos $hite s#in.

)8hen are yo going to ma#e some yong lady happy by getting married9* Annie as#ed as @les pt the

glyder into motion.

)=o #no$ - have a yen %or older $omen!* @les replied lightly.

)(eriosly!* Annie said. (he normally appreciated @les lighthearted remar#s bt she hoped they $ere

good enogh %riends that he $as $illing to reveal something abot his personal li%e to her.

)(eriosly! -m in a good relationship at the moment. -ts a little too early to be tal#ing marriage! thogh!*

@les eplained.

)-m happy yo have someone nice!* Annie remar#ed.

(he $as! too. (he appreciated @les good loo#s and li#ed to $ell! imagine things abot him sometimes!

bt deep do$n she #ne$ she and @les eisted in di%%erent li%e stages and she $anted him to be happy in his. -t

$as %ar more di%%iclt being happy in hers nless yo $ere able to %orget all yo had lost along the $ay.



212

As @les loc#ed the glyder mechanism $ith it sitated net to the Li%evie$er chair! he said )?y girl%riends

middle name is Ann! by the $ay.*

Annie smiled broadly. )/hats a good sign. 8hats her %irst name9*

)Emma!* @les replied. )-t $as a very poplar name the year she $as born. (he has t$o %riends named

Emma as $ell. /heyre #no$n as E1! E2 and E3. ?y Emma is E2.*

Annie thoght this sonded li#e the yong $omen had model nmbers. 'er mental pictre o% @les

girl%riend became that o% a robot $ith )E2* embla6oned in bright red on her chest. (he $ondered i% this

implse to pictoriali6e came %rom all those sessions on the Li%evie$er. @st li#e the Li%evie$er images her

mental pictre $as a bit o%% #ilter.

Annie didnt say anything abot this ot lod! only remar#ed )/hats interesting.*

)Emmas yonger sister! @emma! is trning 1: this (atrday!* @les remar#ed as he settled Annie into the

chair. )- dont have any idea $hat a 1:yearold girl $old li#e %or her birthday. o yo have any sggestions!

Annie9*

)/hey generally care a great deal abot their appearance at that age!* Annie advised! )and they all $ant to

$ear $hatever the crrent style is. -ts probably best to st get her a gi%t card at some poplar clothing store!

assming they still sell gi%t cards and dont have some ne$ high tech $ay o% giving that -m not a$are o%.*



213

)/han#s! Annie. -ll chec# $ith Emma and see $here @emma li#es to by her clothes!* @les said as he

prepared to calibrate the machine! )As %or gi%t cards - dont thin# they give ot actal! literal cards anymore. -

thin# they st lin# their data to the eye registry.*

)/he $hat registry9* Annie as#ed! almost dreading his reply. 8hy $as everything so complicated

anymore9

)Everyones retinal pattern is ni5e. /heyve created a retinal pattern database to se %or identi%ication

prposes. /hey passed a la$ a $hile bac# allo$ing retailers to lin# to the database to help prevent identity

the%t. Do$ $hen yo $ant to give someone a gi%t yo st give the retailer their basic in%ormation. 8hen they

$ant to redeem it they allo$ the retailer to scan their eyes %or a moment and it brings p their registry

in%ormation!* @les eplained be%ore placing the Li%evie$er over her eyes.

/his sonded %antastic to Annie. 8asnt it enogh that they had %ingerprinting9 8hat $old they do net!

ta#e DA samples %rom everyone9 8hat had happened to all the conspiracy theorists9 8hy $erent they p in

arms abot the government in%ringing on the rights o% private citi6ens that $ay9

)-ll never let them scan my eyes!* Annie grmbled.

)(orry Annie! bt theyve already done it. ont yo remember $hen they chec#ed yor eyes last month9*

@les as#ed. )/hey recorded everyones retinal patterns then.*



21+

Annie strggled to remember the details o% the eam. (he remembered loo#ing into some machines bt

they had not eplained to her $hat their prpose $as. )- thoght they $ere st testing %or glacoma!* Annie

replied 5ietly! chagrined.

)-m sre they did that! too!* @les replied.

8hen he $as %inished calibrating the memorycorder he patted her on the arm and said )8henever yore

ready!* be%ore $al#ing a$ay.

@les remar# abot a siteenth birthday had spar#ed a memory in Annies mind.

+hen I was thirteen my best friend 5ebbie invited me to a #arty at her house. It was actually a sweet

siteen #arty for her older sister" 5arlene.

/$o teenage girls appeared on the Li%evie$er screen. /here $as a banner on the $all behind the older!

taller one that read )'appy ;irthday! arlene* and colored dots that %lic#ered on and o%% casing Annie to

$orry momentarily abot spots in her vision ntil she reali6ed it $as spposed to represent %alling con%etti.

I was going through a #hase where I was e#erimenting with clothes and makeu#. f course I didnt wear

makeu# to school" only fast girls did back then" but my friends and I would buy li#stick and rouge and #owder

at the local drugstore and #ut it on sometimes when our #arents werent around. I didnt wear makeu# to



214

5ebbies house that day but I was early for the #arty and we #ut on some of 5ebbies makeu# with a light touch

so her mother wouldnt notice and make us wash it off. y mother had #ut my hair u# and I had worn a new

dress I loved" violet with thin vertical black stri#es and a lace collar" which was fashionably short. 3reening in

the mirror over 5ebbies dresser I thought I looked very grown u#" B at least.

A teenaged (ophias hair $as piled atop her head in a sophisticated t$ist. 'er dress loo#ed very mch li#e

a cartoon rendition o% the one Annie remembered. (ophias %ace had a so%t rosy glo$ abot the chee#s! reddish

lips and a smdge o% ble above each eye. /o Annies chagrin! she resembled a little girl playing dress p.

Annie %eared she had appeared that $ay hersel% at arlenes party.

%here were #robably about thirty #eo#le at the #arty. any were relatives - aunts and uncles - as well as a

domineering grandmother who sat in a chair net to the u#stairs sofa during the entire #arty" stridently

engaging anyone in conversation that ha##ened to #ass through the room. %here were also cousins and several

female friends of the birthday girl in attendance. Some of these had brought dates. 5arlene had a date herself"

an eighteen year old who worked full-time at the cereal factory in town. ,ut there was a marked absence of

other guests around the age of thirteen #articularly thirteen-year-old boys.

5ebbie and I were hel#ing her mother make deviled eggs in the modern olive and mandarin-orange

kitchen when the band they had hired for the occasion arrived. I loved s&uee'ing the #astry bag to fill the

em#ty egg white (boats) with swirls of #ale yellow filling but of course it was 5ebbies house and she only let

me fill one because she liked doing it" too. She relegated me to s#rinkling the #a#rika on to#. I got fed u# with

this #retty &uickly and stalked out of the room. %here were some of 5ebbies relatives I didnt know sitting



21:

around the living room so I headed downstairs to the lower level after esca#ing her grandmothers #robing

&uestions about the a##ro#riateness of the length of my dress.

(ophia $al#ed past a shriveled %igre in a chair. /he $ord balloon over the persons head contained no

actal $ords only a barrage o% 5estions mar#s in varios %onts! colors and si6es.

%he downstairs family room was where the main #arty was to take #lace. 5ebbies #arents had rented

some chairs and they were arranged informally around the room. %here was a small bar against one wall and

some guy was setting things u# over there 0 #lastic cu#s" na#kins" drink stirrers. 5arlene and some of her

friends were sitting clustered together chatting away nearby. n the other side of the room the band was

setting u#.

/he %amiliar stoc# msician %igres appeared on the Li%evie$er screen. -t seemed odd to Annie seeing

them in this contet! as i% 5aileys Comets had traveled bac# in time to play at arlenes birthday party.

I #lo##ed down onto a chair in a corner and watched them. %he drum set was already in #lace by the time

Id gotten down there and the activity at that #oint involved setting u# mike stands and connecting cables. It

wasnt very interesting to watch but it was better than trying to make small talk with strangers. I wandered over

and got a soda from the guy behind the bar 0 even soda seemed more eotic chock full of small ice cubes in a

#lastic cu# with two tiny straws - and started walking back to my chair.

(%hat looks good. +here can I get one for myself/) someone asked.



21<

I turned and found myself facing a #leasant-looking guy who was just about my height but obviously

several years older. *e had merry blue eyes and a round" boyish face. *is hair was medium blonde and fell in

gentle waves to just above his shoulders.

;ormally I would have been dumbstruck in his #resence. ,ut with my hair u# and my new dress and my

makeu# I felt like I was someone else and not just #lain $nn Gaylan. 6or all he knew my drink might contain

rum or whiskey or some other s#irits and not just #lain soda. I smiled at him. (Let me escort you") I said"

thinking this was a great comeback as I turned and led him to the bar.

/he sophisticated (ophia stood at a bar net to a blonde male. (he smiled at him enthsiastically and

occasionally batted eaggeratedlylong eyelashes in his direction.

I stayed by his side as he got a soft drink from the bartender and was ready with a remark when he turned

back toward me. (Im $nn Gaylan. +hats your name/)

(Sonny") he re#lied" (;ice to meet you" $nn.) *e shook my hand. 1ust his touch was enough to give me

goose bum#s. I was off and running on the latest in a long line of crushes.

($re you a friend of 5arlenes/) I asked" determined to hold u# my side of the conversation.

Sonny took a si# of his drink before re#lying. (;o" actually Im in the band. I #lay #iano and sing a little.



21B

+hats your connection to the birthday girl/)

(Im a friend of...) I began" catching myself before saying (her younger sister.) (Im a friend") I

corrected myself. It wasnt altogether untrue8 5arlene had always been friendly toward me when I came to visit

5ebbie.

(She seems really nice") Sonny remarked" glancing at the cluster of young women still chattering

ecitedly with 5arlene in their midst.

(7es" shes very nice") I agreed. (*er boyfriend is nice" too") I added" making sure he understood that

5arlene was not available just in case he was interested in her.

(+ell" I really need to be getting back. It looks like the bands almost ready to start.) *e said. (aybe

well get a chance to talk again later" between sets.)

(I certainly ho#e so") I re#lied" sur#rising myself with my boldness. $fter Sonny left me I stationed myself

in a chair right in front of the band and watched as they made the final adjustments.

I knew dee# down that Sonny was far too old for me. *e had to be at least twenty" unimaginably adult. I

didnt have any illusions that I could have any long-term relationshi# with him8 my #arents would never have

allowed it for one thing. ,ut I was determined to get a kiss before the night was through.



21>

I had never kissed a boy before. I had s#ent my young lifetime watching movies where handsome men and

beautiful women in love shared long" intense kisses wra##ed in each others arms. I #rayed that I looked old

enough with my hair u# and my makeu# and my clothes to fool Sonny into thinking I was somewhere near his

age. 1ust one sweet kiss" that was all I wanted from him. 1ust my first kiss and a memory to last a lifetime!

5ebbie found me before long. (other and I needed your hel# setting out the cookies and things. +hy did

you disa##ear/)

(I needed a break") I lied" wishing she would leave me alone. I suddenly noticed 5ebbie was wearing her

hair in two #onytails and I didnt think she looked mature enough for me to be hanging around with. I ho#ed

Sonny wouldnt notice. ,ut 5ebbie got a soda and situated herself in the chair to my right. I did my best to

ignore her and gave her short answers when she s#oke to me.

A ponytailed %emale %igre sat net to (ophia %acing the band. 'er ponytails #ept boncing even $hen she

$as still as i% they $ere made o% rbber.

($ll right" Im sorry I didnt let you fill more of the deviled eggs") 5ebbie said eventually. (7oure my

guest and I should have let you do what you wanted. kay/)

(kay") I re#lied" but I still didnt look in her direction. Sonny was adjusting a micro#hone" #re#aring to

sing.



220

(+hat are you staring at/) 5ebbie asked loudly" just as the room became suddenly &uiet.

I could feel my cheeks flush. 6ortunately Sonny didnt seem to have heard her" he was talking softly into the

micro#hone" (Check one" check one... one" two" three.)

(Shh!) I hissed in 5ebbies direction.

(h" I see how it is") 5ebbie whis#ered in my ear a moment later. (*e is kind of cute.)

I didnt re#ly" ho#ing that now she reali'ed what was going on she would finally leave me alone. Instead"

she ta##ed me on the shoulder forcing me to look at her. (I like the drummer better") she remarked" #ointing in

the direction of the drum set.

%he drummer didnt seem so remarkable to me. *e had dark" tousled hair and a long face with a

#ronounced chin. 7ou could see jagged black ink from a tattoo showing from under the sleeve of his shirt. %o

me at that time and at that age this indicated the drummer was some kind of re#robate but I didnt want to hurt

5ebbies feelings. $fter all she was not any more likely to strike u# any real relationshi# with the drummer than

I was with Sonny. (*es nice too") I remarked.

+hen I re#lied I glanced at 5ebbie and became worried once more about her hair. %hat #onytail made her

look so ridiculously young. I leaned toward her and whis#ered" (5ebbie" #lease take your hair out of those

#onytails! 7ou look like a kid" for heavens sake! %hat drummer is never going to be interested in you looking



221

like that.)

She reached u# and surre#titiously removed the rubber bands but she obviously resented my remark. $s

she tried to smooth out her hair with her fingers she leaned toward me and whis#ered back" (1ust because your

hair is u# doesnt make you iss $merica" you know!)

(ophias %riend reached p and her hair immediately %ell abot her sholders in long! straight tresses. (he

didnt seem to #no$ $hat to do $ith the rbber bands in her hand. Annie imagined her shooting them at the

band members bt since this had not actally happened in real li%e the %igre on the screen %ailed to respond. -t

$as st as $ell since Annie didnt $ant to set o%% any Li%evie$er alarms in the middle o% her reminiscence.

I felt badly for hurting 5ebbies feelings and after making sure Sonny was not looking in our direction

hel#ed smooth out her hair. It had been in #onytails all day and she must have created them just after her

shower because the hair had #ermanent kinks in it where the rubber bands had been. I did the best I could then

lied and told her it looked fine. +hy make her any more self-conscious than a BD-year-old girl normally was/

%he band started #laying a short time later. y eyes were trained on Sonny throughout the entire

#erformance. *e was a fair singer and a more than fair #ianist although I dont think the ,akers #iano was

eactly in tune. $t one #oint the band #layed my favorite current song from the radio" some foolish love song

that included the words (I love you) in the refrain. 4very time Sonny sang that line I li#-synched it along with

him" my way of telling Sonny I loved him while a##earing to be just singing along with the music. I didnt love

him" not really" it was just my #ubescent hormones acting u#. ,ut it was a thrilling feeling nonetheless. I almost



222

wish I could be that age again for just a day. I was so o#timistic and naive back then. %he whole world seemed

to lay before me ri#e with #ossibilities.

/he Li%evie$ers msician %igre! the sal %igre $ith slightly lighter hair! alternated bet$een singing and

rnning his %ingers over a simpli%ied #eyboard. 8henever he played the piano #eys his right %oot tapped as i%

#eeping time to the msic bt the motions o% his hands and his %oot seemed ot o% sync. -t $as obvios to

Annie that $hoever had programmed this device had absoltely no ear %or msic.

+hen the band took a break I made a beeline to the bar and fetched another cola for Sonny. *e was

wi#ing his face with a towel when I walked u# to him. It was a hot summer night and 5ebbies #arents had set

u# the flood light they normally used on their front lawn at Christmas to illuminate the band members. I could

feel the heat it generated as I handed Sonny the drink.

(,less you" $nn") he said" taking a long gul# from the clear #lastic cu#. I was so ecstatic he had

remembered my name! I deduced from that small fact that he must like me. Surely I was halfway to my kiss!

(ophia stood net to the blonde msician loo#ing states5e. /hey each too# trns tal#ing and sipping

%rom their oversi6ed plastic cps.

(7ou guys sounded great") I gushed. (I really liked that last song... it was better than the original and I

really like the original. +henever I hear it on the radio it blows me away") I added. I sus#ected I was babbling

too much but I let it go. I wasnt going to allow myself to become tongue-tied as I had been with boys in the



223

#ast.

(+hat do you normally do around here for entertainment/) Sonny asked.

(+ell" I like #lays") I began" s#eaking slowly as I &uickly sorted through my brain to #in down the things

that would not label me as a child" (I had season tickets last year to the Goodman %heater downtown. ne of

my friends is a #ilot8 she took me u# in a #rivate #lane a cou#le of months ago. It was thrilling! I like to work

crossword #u''les from the Sunday #a#er.)

%his was all true as far as it went. It was my mother who had the season tickets and took me with her to

one of the #lays at the Goodman %heater when her friend couldnt make it" which I had enjoyed very much. y

friend $as a #ilot and took me u# with her father in their #rivate #lane. I felt horribly nauseous and #anicky

and couldnt wait to get my feet back on the ground. I did like to work on the crossword #u''les sometimes but

my dad filled in the many entries that I couldnt solve by myself. *e usually had to erase a fair amount of my

answers as well and let it be known he wasnt too ha##y that Id left him such a mess to straighten out.

I didnt mention that I still liked to climb the crab a##le tree in the backyard. I didnt tell Sonny I still

bought #acks of bubble gum for the colorful stickers inside. I didnt tell him I was collecting a certain brand of

small dolls and that I never went into a store without checking to see if they had the hard-to-find doll from the

series that came in a #ink #lastic crib. I was basically at the #oint in my life where I was still in many ways a

child yet on the verge of womanhood.



22+

(+hat do you like to do/) I asked him" when I had run out of things I could safely say about myself.

(I dont have a lot of time to do much of anything") he re#lied" smiling mildly. I remember his smile

seemed warm and genuine. (Im studying law at ;I=. Someday Ill be joining my dads law firm. ,etween

classes" studying and working #art-time at the school bookstore I dont have much s#are time. I s#end it either

#racticing or #erforming with the band. +e dont make much money doing this8 its mostly for fun - at least for

me.)

I found it kind of sad that he was going to be a lawyer. *ed have to cut his hair short and sto# wearing

cool clothes like the fab #aisley shirt he was wearing that night. In a suit and tie I imagined hed look #retty

bland ece#t for those stand-out blue eyes. (+hen youre a lawyer youll still #lay the #iano" wont you/) I

asked" wistfully.

(I su##ose so") he said" (at least at home. ,ut s#eaking of the #iano I think its time for our second set.)

(aybe we can talk again later") I remarked" nonchalantly.

(Sure" that would be great") he said" dis#laying that sincere smile.

I went back to my seat" wondering what had become of 5ebbie. I had seen her out of the corner of my eye

as I had talked to Sonny. She had followed my lead at the beginning of the break by getting a soda for the

drummer and walking over to him. =nfortunately he already had a drink" something amber in color" #robably



224

whiskey. So #oor 5ebbie had stood there with two glasses of soda si##ing out of one of them as if it were

normal for someone to have a s#are drink on hand. She had tried conversing with the guy" who we had learned

during the set was named Stan" but he had seemed more intent on correcting some #roblem with his cymbal

stand than with sociali'ing. 4ventually 5ebbie had wandered away.

She #lo##ed down net to me just as the band started their second set and handed me a #a#er #late with a

big #iece of cake on it. %he icing on the cake had read (*a##y B" 5arlene) in blue letters on white icing. y

cake had the en on it.

(ophias %riend sat do$n net to her and handed her a plate $ith a s5are obect on it that read )een*.

8hat did the Li%evie$er thin# $as on the ca#e! a poem by "obert ;rns9

(%hanks") I said. (I wondered where you had gone.)

(I couldnt talk to that drummer" hes so boring. I saw that mom had cut the cake so I thought Id get some.

5arlene said shes going to o#en her #resents u#stairs in a little while") 5ebbie e#lained" digging into her

own slice of cake. I had bought 5arlene a groovy blue shirt and matching earrings at the de#artment store and

was anious to see how she would like them. I ho#ed she wouldnt o#en #resents while the band was still

#laying.

I ate my cake leisurely while watching Sonny #erform" aglow with a feeling of contentment. I thought my

conversations with Sonny had gone well and had high ho#es that the evening would not end without my



22:

receiving the kiss I craved.

It may seem really naive of me but at that time and at that age I didnt know anything about se. Im

certain most of my friends didnt either. %o me love was what it a##eared to be in the old black and white

movies I saw on television. %he only thing I imagined the characters doing when they married and inevitably

shared the same bed was lying in each others arms all night. 5ee# down I knew there was something more that

ha##ened between men and women but it was not something I had yet been e#osed to and I had no idea what

it involved. y mother had not and never did have (the talk) with me and the thought of lying in the arms of

my beloved all night long was satisfying enough for me at that #oint.

So as I sat there nibbling daintily on cake I imagined sharing one blissful" close-li##ed kiss with Sonny

while he enfolded me in his arms. I could imagine the way it would feel to have his chest #ressed against mine.

I sometimes lay on my stomach in bed at night imagining some man was holding me that way while I kissed my

unres#onsive #illow. I was getting ecited at the #ros#ect of being in Sonnys arms that very night" at the

#ossibility of e#eriencing love for real!

%hat was when 5arlene walked u# to Sonny between songs and started talking to him. I assumed she must

be asking him about #laying some song for her and her guy from the cereal factory to dance to but then to my

horror she not only glanced in my direction but sort of #ointed toward me with her arm. Sonny looked over at

me and smiled. y heart sank.

(+hat is 5arlene doing/) I shrieked none too &uietly into 5ebbies ear as I clutched at her arm.



22<

(*ow should I know/) 5ebbie hissed back" trying to loosen my vise-like gri# on her arm.

$ horrible thought crossed my mind. (5ebbie" you didnt tell her I like Sonny" did you/) I asked.

(4verybody here #no$s you like Sonny" $nn. 7ouve been staring at him all evening") she re#lied" tersely.

*ad I been that obvious about it/ I glanced around at the other guests. ost of them seemed to be looking

at me and smiling a #atroni'ing sort of smile.

(ophia loo#ed arond her to be greeted by a sea o% smiling %aces. (ince the smiles $ere the only de%initive

%eatre on the %aces it $as a rather alarming sight. (ophias chee#s reddened appreciably.

$fter a moment" 5arlene walked away from the band with one last smile in my direction. Sonny talked to

one of his band mates then the band started #laying an intro as Sonny started walking in my direction.

I wanted to disa##ear. +hatever 5arlene had just done was no doubt kindly meant but I felt like an

awkward little kid again. +hen Sonny reached me and held out his hand asking" (+ould you like to dance/) I

could only give him a lukewarm smile in return. y #alms felt cold and sweaty as I acce#ted his outstretched

hand.

(ophia accepted the hand o% the blonde msician and rose a$#$ardly %rom her chair. 'er game smile



22B

$avered as she moved rather a$#$ardly into his arms to dance.

%he dance was a disaster. I had lost my confidence. I wanted to know what 5arlene had said to Sonny but

was once more reduced to a tongue-tied adolescent. Sonny maintained a res#ectable distance between us and I

didnt have the consolation of feeling as if he held me in his arms. I didnt really know how to dance and have

always had trouble following anyone elses lead. I felt clumsy.

(ophia started dancing $ith the msician bt her movement $as er#y as i% she $ere tripping on her o$n

%eet. /he msician! on the other hand! moved as i% he $ere gliding on a smooth sr%ace.

%he band was #laying another love song. %he guitarist sang the lyrics in a thin" ras#y kind of voice. I

noticed that night" as well as after ikes betrayal years later" how #otently song lyrics can hurt under the

wrong circumstances. It wasnt a song I knew well but I remember one line was (ur love will never die). %he

words were like a knife to my heart. %here was no love between Sonny and me and there never could be. 4ven

the illusion was now gone because of 5arlene. I saw her" as I slowly turned with Sonny" dancing nearby with

her boyfriend. She laughed at something he said to her and looked blissfully ha##y.

(7oure suddenly very &uiet") Sonny said in my ear. (Is something wrong/)

I wanted to say (7oure just dancing with me because 5arlene asked you to. 7oure nothing but a #aid

gigolo.) I had no definite idea what a gigolo was but I had an inkling that the term a##lied to that situation.

Instead I told him I had a headache. (I think Id better go u#stairs and get some as#irins or something") I said"



22>

#ulling away and releasing his hand.

(I ho#e you feel better soon") he re#lied" looking #olitely concerned.

I turned and walked toward the stairs. y face was flushed. I felt like everyone was watching me. I knew

5arlene and all of her friends were thinking how cute it was that 5ebbies little friend had a crush on the #iano

#layer.

(ophia had also bro#en a$ay %rom the blonde msician and $as stal#ing across the cro$ded room! her

chee#s glo$ing as red as an eit sign $ith embarrassment.

(ur love will never die") the song taunted me again as I crossed the room.

nce I reached the stairs I barreled u# them nearly bum#ing into a cou#le on their way down. 6ortunately

when I reached the u##er level I didnt have to go through the living room. I had no desire to face the &uestions

5ebbies grandmother would toss at me. I turned left down the hallway and reached the sanctuary of the

bathroom. I thankfully locked the door behind me. I had turned the light on but didnt want to confront my

made-u# face in the mirror and &uickly turned it off again. I sank to the floor in the darkness and began

sobbing. Luckily I had not #ut any mascara on. I reached out in the darkness and #ulled a wad of toilet #a#er

off the roll" using it to muffle my sobbing and occasionally dabbed my eyes with it.

(ophia collapsed on the bathroom %loor! patting her eyes $ith a complete roll o% toilet paper. -n spite o%



230

this tears seemed to be shooting into the air at reglar intervals as i% her eyes $ere garden sprin#lers.

+hat had I been thinking/ *ow could I have ho#ed to get away with #assing myself off as older than my

years when I was surrounded by 5ebbie and her family/ +hy in the world did I kee# getting these crushes on

guys anyway/ +hy did I have such a need to be loved by some male/ +as it because of my #oor relationshi#

with my father/ +as it just raging hormones/

I stayed in the bathroom until someone came and jiggled the doorknob. (1ust a minute") I called"

sounding like I had a cold. I turned on the light and finally looked at myself. I was reassured to see I didnt look

as devastated as I felt. I wi#ed my eyes one more time and grabbed a few tissues to take with me before o#ening

the door. It was one of 5ebbies aunts. I mustered u# a subdued smile and went down the hall to 5ebbies room.

I had #lanned to stay at 5ebbies overnight. I went into her room" shut the door and locked it. I changed

into my #ajamas and hung u# my dress in the closet. I lay down in bed. 5ebbie had two nightstands with

matching white #orcelain lam#s studded with red rosebuds. I lay there in the dim light from the lam# nearest

my side of the bed and wondered what to do with myself. I couldnt go back out there tonight" of that I was sure.

If anyone came to the door I would tell them I didnt feel well. ,ut I couldnt #ossibly go to slee# and I didnt

want to just lie there and feel sorry for myself.

(ophia lay on a narro$ bed in a pair o% brightly colored paamas staring straight p at the ceiling $ith an

impassive epression.



231

I turned off the light and o#ened the curtains" then the window. It was warm out and the comforting sound

of crickets filled the air. %here was a crescent moon in the sky. I wished I could go out for a walk but knew that

was im#ossible. I would have to get dressed and make my way #ast the #eo#le in the living room first. ,esides

it was late and 5ebbies mom wouldnt like it.

/he s#y otside ebbies $indo$ in the Li%evie$er loo#ed oddly li#e a simpli%ied version o% Gan &oghs

Starry ;ight . Annie %ond it charming. (he $ondered i% the Li%evie$er had someho$ pic#ed the image p ot

o% her mind %rom her memory o% the print on the $all in her $allogram.

I could hear the music from the band or more accurately the rumbling of the drums and bass guitar. It

made me feel far removed from it all" from the #eo#le downstairs and from Sonny.

$fter a while 5ebbie knocked at the door. (Come on" o#en u#" $nn.) she ordered.

I unlocked the door. 5ebbie o#ened it and ga'ed at me" standing in the light from the hallway. (+hy are

you in your #ajamas/ 5arlenes about to o#en her #resents. 5ont you want to come and watch her/)

(;o" I dont. Im not feeling very well") I re#lied.

(Is that why you left so suddenly/ 5arlene was worried about you") 5ebbie said. (She thought maybe

Sonny said something" you know" bad to you.)



232

,ad/ +hat worse thing could Sonny have said than what he was #robably thinking/ (So" youre the friend

of the birthday girls kid sister" huh/) ;ot that he would have been sur#rised" Im sure he never fell for my

maturity act. *e was just being nice to a #arty guest. I had been kidding myself big time.

(*e didnt say anything bad") I assured 5ebbie. (Im just tired. I want to stay here for the night. 7ou go

ahead.)

(Ill be back in a little while then") 5ebbie said" closing the door.

+hen she came back she told me 5arlene had loved the shirt and earrings I gave her.

5ebbie went to bed and I lay net to her for a while in the darkness but couldnt get to slee#. I eventually

stationed myself back at the window on the chair from 5ebbies desk and #eered out around the then-closed

dra#es. I watched as various guests walked out to their cars and #ulled away. $fter most of the cars had gone I

watched the band members load u# their van. In its current #hase the moon did not #rovide much light but the

outside lights attached to the garage were on. I could tell which band member was which but could not see

much detail. I ke#t ho#ing that Sonny would look u#" that he would somehow sense that I was there and that he

would search me out with his e&uisite blue eyes" but of course he didnt. 4ventually all the gear was #acked.

%he drummer got in on the drivers side and Sonny got in on the #assenger side and the van slowly backed out

of the driveway. I felt as if I were losing something #recious forever as the van moved off down the street and

out of my view.



23+

Annie coldnt get over the %act that Adreys $hole %amily $as there. /im and the #ids $ere $aiting %or

them ot in the observation modle. /hey $old meet there and go p to the seventh %loor together.

)- thin# yor hair trned ot nicely!* Adrey remar#ed as she care%lly $iped a$ay ecess lipstic# $ith a

tisse.

Annie had only seen the reslts as a blr o% color in the mirrors o% the salon modle. (he had %orgotten her

glasses in her room. (hed decided it $as better not to have a clear conception o% ho$ she loo#ed! that $ay she

cold entertain the delsion that she $as some$hat attractive.

(he coldnt decide i% she had %ond the process o% dying her hair pleasant or npleasant. /hey had placed

a colori6er hood on her head in the salon modle. -t $as a device that loo#ed li#e an old%ashioned hair dryer

bt had a rbberi6ed seal that ran all arond the edge. /hey had set the dials and sddenly Annie had been able

to %eel something cool and gelli#e oo6ing over her head. /hen little paddles had gently massaged her scalp as

they had $or#ed the dye throgh her hair. /hey had some #ind o% 5ic#$or#ing dye these days and a%ter a %e$

mintes $arm $ater had circlated all over her head rinsing the ecess ot. (he had %elt only a gentle tg as the

$ater $as sctioned a$ay. /hen the device had heated p and dried her hair.

/hey sed a di%%erent device to ct the already dyed hair. -t $as a compteri6ed device that combed and

measred the hair and ct it precisely to the re5ested length $ith a laser tip. Annie had been terri%ied to move!

a%raid something else might get ct o%%. /he $oman operating the machine assred her the lasers $ere only

calibrated to ct obects made o% the particlar amino acids in the #eratin o% Annies o$n hair. ;t Annie cold



234

never $holly trst technology that $as too complicated %or her to nderstand.

As Adrey began manevering the glyder ot o% the room! Annie loo#ed do$n at the bttercp yello$

t$opiece sit she $as $earing. (he still didnt remember $hat occasion she had originally prchased it %or.

(he li#ed the color o% it and she particlarly li#ed the pearly bttons.

(he also li#ed the ring she $as $earing on the ring %inger o% her le%t hand. -t $as bl#y and garish she

spposed! comprised o% a clster o% amethysts and ble topa6es. (he had pic#ed it p at an art %air perhaps %orty

years ago. (he li#ed to move her hand slightly and $atch light re%lect o%% the %acets o% the stones. -t $as

da66ling. -t didnt particlarly go $ith her ot%it and she had seen a protest rise to Adreys lips $hen she had

chosen to $ear it bt it had died nspo#en. Adrey mst have decided it $asnt important enogh to ma#e an

isse ot o%. A%ter all! this $as a special occasion.

Adrey had broght her e$elry the previos $ee# %or Annie to go throgh. (he %ond she still loved

many o% the pieces. -t $as li#e loo#ing throgh an old photo albm going throgh her e$elry boes and

remembering $here and $hen the varios items had become part o% her collection. 7% corse! some o% the

items seemed strange to her and she had no recollection o% them at all. A%ter going throgh everything they had

ended p sorted into three piles one $old stay $ith Annie at the matration preserve %or her se! one small

pile o% particlarly valable items Adrey $old ta#e bac# home and hold onto %or Annie! and the third pile

$ere items Annie did not $ant any longer. /his pile Adrey had planned to go throgh at home $ith (ara. /hey

$old decide i% they $anted any o% them be%ore donating the remainder to charity.



23:

)(ara loved the nec#lace $ith the circlar mother o% pearl dis#!* Adrey remar#ed! as i% reading Annies

mind. (he mst have noticed Annie staring at the prple and ble stones o% the ring.

)/hats nice! dear!* Annie replied. (he $ished Adrey had broght chocolates. @st the presence o% her

daghter almost made her salivate %or chocolate li#e one o% Pavlovs trained animals. ;t o% corse there $old

be good things to eat on the seventh %loor.

)(aras going throgh a togh time right no$!* Adrey remar#ed. )(he and her boy%riend ,olin are having

some #ind o% a ti%%. -m hoping Incle ?itchs party $ill cheer her p a bit.*

Annie %elt delighted as they approached Adreys %amily in the observation modle. -t $as rare that she

had so many visitors at once and they all loo#ed so nice (ara $as $earing a simple %lo$ered dress $ith a

golden beige bac#grond. /he mothero%pearl nec#lace Adrey had mentioned $as displayed prominently in

the G nec#. 'er hair $as once more piled atop her head in braids bt there $ere ribbons $oven in that matched

the colors o% her dress. (he smiled at Annie $anly as the glyder approached. (he seemed even paler than the

last time Annie had seen her! i% that $ere possible.

@eremy $as standing. 'e seemed to have gro$n taller and ganglier in the short time since his last visit. /o

Annies relie% there $as no trace o% the dog cho#er tattoo arond his nec# anymore. 'e $as $earing a classic

po$der ble shirt and some nice blac# slac#s bt not that $eird! in#y blac# hed $orn last time. Ecept %or his

odd shortontoplongonthesides hairct he cold have been a boy %rom Annies high school days.



23<

/im rose %rom his seat as they approached. Annie $as never 5ite sre ho$ Adrey had managed to attract

/im. 'e $as stri#ingly handsome $ith gray eyes and et blac# hair that $as graying in a distingished $ay

arond the temples. 'e $as st above average height $ith the per%ect bild! not too lean! $ith st the

sggestion o% bra$niness. Annie al$ays thoght he shold have been a model. Dot %or clothing necessarily bt

%or advertisements aimed at $omen as i% to say )/his is the ideal. =or home shold loo# li#e this and yor

hsband shold loo# li#e this.*

/im $as the %irst to come %or$ard and #iss Annie on the chee#. 'e smelled o% some #ind o% ms#y

cologne. )'ello! Annie!* he said $armly.

)-ts so good to see yo! /im!* Annie said in a $avering voice. (he %ond hersel% over$helmed by the

presence o% so many %amily members! so %ll o% love %or them. -t $as odd she thoght o% them so rarely $hen

they $erent $ith her! her other thoghts and memories tended to cro$d them ot.

/im ndged @eremy and he ambled over to Annie and brie%ly brshed his lips against her chee#. )'i!

Dana!* he mmbled.

)@eremy! yo loo# so nice today!* Annie said. )=or &reat Incle ?itch $ill be impressed.* (he didnt

really #no$ i% this $ere tre not being %amiliar $ith ?itchs state o% mind these days. (he coldnt even be sre

i% he $old #no$ $ho she $as mch less her grandchildren.

8hen (ara stepped %or$ard to say hello Annie $as ta#en abac#. Ip ntil that moment (ara had been



23B

standing still. ;t $hen she moved the %lo$ers on her dress seemed to $ave as i% stirred by a bree6e. Annie

$ondered i% she $ere having some #ind o% di66y spell. Adrey had moved net to /im. Annie gave her a

$orried glance as (ara hgged her and #issed her chee#.

Adrey came to$ard her. )8hats the matter! mom9*

)/hat dress... - thin# -m %eeling di66y!* Annie hissed 5ietly! not $anting to ma#e a scene.

Adrey glanced at (ara and smiled. )-ts not yo! mom! its the pattern on the %abric. 8hen the person

$earing it moves di%%erent sections o% the pattern become visible and it gives the impression o% movement.*

Annie )ts#ed* lodly. )- ta#e it thats the poplar thing no$9* she remar#ed.

/im loo#ed at his $atch. )8e really shold be getting pstairs! hon!* he said to Adrey.

Adrey stationed hersel% behind the glyder again and they $ere on their $ay. A%ter eiting the observation

modle and going do$n a hall$ay past the dining room and administration o%%ices they emerged into a massive

atrim Annie had never seen be%ore. -t $as perhaps three stories high. 7ne $all $as all glass displaying an

idyllic vie$ o% gentle rolling hills otside o% the matration preserve $hile the opposite $all $as comprised o%

a $ater%all. /he $ater cascaded do$n over ndlating slabs o% concrete embedded $ith pearly stones. A %e$

people sat on benches net to the $alls $hile many more strode prpose%lly abot heading in varios

directions. Adrey seemed to #no$ $here she $as going never hesitating as they proceeded ahead. Eventally



23>

they reached a ban# o% elevators. /he doors to one opened as they approached.

7nce inside! the doors immediately closed. )(even!* Adrey said! and the elevator started its smooth

ascent.

(ara $as standing net to the glyder and Annie cast a sidelong glance at her dress. /he %lo$ers sat there

innocently. Annie reached ot and toched the %abric $ith her hand. -t %elt li#e reglar cloth! #ind o% cool and

so%t.

)- tal#ed to Alicia yesterday!* Adrey said. )(he said there $ill be a string 5artet at the party and the

governor may ma#e an appearance! i% his schedle permits.*

Annie didnt $ant to admit she had no idea $ho the governor might be these days. (he had voted at the

matration center dring the last election bt she had cast her vote randomly not #no$ing anything abot the

candidates. -t might have been best not to vote at all bt it $as her right as a citi6en! a%ter all.

8hen the elevator doors opened onto the seventh %loor the di%%erence bet$een it and the area Annie lived

in $as immediately apparent. /he %loor $as covered by a lsh! chestnt bro$n carpet. /he $alls $ere covered

$ith $allpaper that loo#ed li#e thic#! $oven %abric $ith an nderstated goldenbro$n %lorish along the top.

/here $ere intricate light sconces here and there along the $all bt they $ere mainly %or decoration as the main

sorce o% light $as recessed lamps in the ceiling. A gard in a ni%orm reminiscent o% a policemans stood

immediately to their right as they eited the elevator.



2+0

),an - help yo9* he as#ed! in a tone that $as meant to challenge! not $elcome.

Adrey etracted something %rom her prse and sho$ed it to the gard. )8ere here %or ?itchell &aylans

reception!* she eplained.

2ece#tion/ Annie thoght. 8hy coldnt they st call it a birthday party i% thats $hat it $as9 ?itch mst

still be too %ll o% himsel%.

/he gard ran a hand held device over the edge o% the invitation. -t let ot an electronic signal that sonded

vagely optimistic. /he gard then scrtini6ed Annie and her %amily as i% to dge %or himsel% the validity o%

their story. 'e trned sddenly and pointed do$n the hall. )&o do$n to the end o% the hall$ay and trn right.

/heres a set o% doble doors along the soth $all. (omeone there $ill assist yo %rther.*

)/han# yo!* Adrey said! stationing hersel% behind the glyder again. /hey proceeded do$n the hall$ay.

)A lot o% %ss abot a party!* Annie grmbled.

)8ell! Incle ?itch is a $ell#no$n person!* Adrey remar#ed. )- imagine there $ill be a big cro$d there.

/hey have to ma#e sre there are no partycrashers.*

Annie coldnt imagine $hy anyone $old $ant to crash ?itchs party! hed never seemed all that special



2+1

to her. (nea#ing grasshoppers into her room $hen she $as yong st to terri%y her! plling her hair and then

acting all innocent $hen shed cried and told their mother! losing pieces to her board games so they $ere no se

anymore! ratting to their parents that time she came home late %rom a date in high school! bragging all the time

abot the cort cases he had $on as an attorney and later abot ho$ important he $as in the senate the head

o% this committee and that committee and abot all the %amos people he #ne$. /hin#ing abot it all made

Annie %eel li#e ordering Adrey to trn arond and ta#e her bac# to her room. ;t $hen $old she ever have

another opportnity to see ho$ the elite lived and to eat smptos %oods9 -n all that cro$d she srely $oldnt

have to spend mch time $ith ?itch himsel%. 'ed be hobnobbing $ith im#ortant people li#e the governor she

coldnt remember the name o%.

8hen they reached the doble doors a pretty yong $oman scanned their invitation again be%ore shering

them inside.

/he noise level immediately rose de to the b66 o% conversation coming %rom the already considerable

cro$d in the gymnasimsi6ed room. /here $as an ornate crystal chandelier in the center o% the ceiling and the

glo$ o% electric candles %rom the $alls and the tops o% the $hiteclothed ban5et tables lined p ro$ a%ter ro$

across the room. /he $alls $ere mirrored and the tables seemed to go on as %ar as the eye cold see. (ome

people $ere seated already bt the largest grop $as clstered at the %ront o% the room obscring the vie$ o%

some massive pholstered chairs $here! presmably! the gest o% honor presided $ith his entorage. @ing

itchells court" Annie thoght. /here $as some type o% bright orb hovering in the air in that area that made it

pain%l to loo# in that direction %or very long. Adrey eplained this $as %or the prpose o% photographs.

-nstead o% cameras %lashing these days they sed these orbs to bathe the sbects in the proper lighting li#e a



2+2

portable photography stdio.

;e%ore they cold determine $hat to do net a $oman roghly Adreys age dressed in something

resembling a blac# sari $ith a long pearl nec#lace draped do$n the %ront $al#ed p to them. 'er hair $as

gathered behind her head casing it to have a rather spherical shape. (he $ore heavy eye ma#ep and her tat

s#in loo#ed tanned.

)Alicia! ho$ nice to see yo* Adrey eclaimed! hgging her cosin implsively.



2+3

,hapter 23

)Adrey! its been too long* the $oman replied! responding by toching her chee# to Adreys and

ma#ing a #issing noise into the air. 8hen Adrey released her! Alicia trned grace%lly to$ard Annie.

)Ant Ann -ts so good to see yo. =ore loo#ing $ell!* Alicia said $ith the re5isite smile! stooping to

place her chee# net to Annies and ma#e another #issing noise. Annie made no response and Alicia didnt seem

to notice! trning her attention net to Adreys %amily.

)Alicia! - dont #no$ i% yo remember my hsband! /im!* Adrey remar#ed.

)7% corse! o% corse!* Alicia demrred! holding her hand ot to /im palm do$n as i% she epected him to

#iss it. )=o sed to come to mothers ,hristmas parties in 7a# ;roo# /hose $ere sch modest gatherings!

st etended %amily! %riends and neighbors. Dot li#e todays reception.*

/im grasped the hand she had etended and shoo# it gamely. )-ts good to see yo again! Alicia!* he said.

Adrey opened her moth to introdce her children net bt Alicia mped right in $ithot %rther ado.

)/his mst be (san and @immy!* she remar#ed! smiling at them broadly. )=ore getting to be so gro$n p -ll

have to introdce yo to yor second cosins later bt theyre a little older! -m a%raid. - started my %amily at a

yonger age than yor mother. ?y son 8arren is stdying la$ at 'arvard and Givienne is stdying msic at

@lliard. ,osette! my baby! is ta#ing a year o%% o% school to $or# on &overnor (harps reelection campaign.



2++

(hes interested in pblic service! st li#e her grand%ather.* Alicia rolled her eyes and shrgged as i% she st

coldnt nderstand this strange proclivity to$ard politics in her %amily.

@eremy smiled mtely at Alicia. (ara $as neither smiling nor loo#ing at Alicia! her ga6e $as instead

directed do$n to$ard the plsh carpet. (he $as seemingly lost in her o$n thoghts.

)(ara and @eremy!* Adrey corrected belatedly casing Alicia to trn to$ard her $ith a 5i66ical loo# on

her %ace. )?y children are named (ara and @eremy!* Adrey repeated.

)7h! -m so sorry* Alicia eclaimed! patting @eremys arm. )8hat did - call yo9 And $e $ere st tal#ing

abot yo on the phone the other day =or mom is so prod o% yo both!* she advised! beaming at the

nresponsive (ara. )(he told me yore good at sports!* Alicia $ent on! trning bac# to @eremy. Annie $as

$illing to bet Alicia coldnt have named the sport @eremy $as so good at.

)-s (inclair here9* Adrey as#ed. -t too# Annie a moment to remember this $as the name o% Alicias

hsband.

)=o havent heard9* Alicia replied! placing a hand to her throat as i% she $ere shoc#ed by Adreys lac#

o% #no$ledge. )(inclair and - $ere divorced. -ts been over t$o years no$. 'es remarried to a yong socialite!

Eva 'arrison! and they have t$ins. 'e and Eva are here some$hereC maybe yoll see them later.*

)8hat $as yor other hsbands name9* Annie as#ed! brashly.



2+4

Alicia trned to$ard her $ith a startled epression as i% she hadnt reali6ed Annie $as still capable o%

speech. )/hat $old be /heodore! Ant Ann!* Alicia said. )- $as married to /heodore be%ore - $as married to

(inclair. As a matter o% %act he shold be here as $ell! $ith his $i%e 7livia. 7livia is the daghter o% one o%

daddys oldest %riends!* she eplained.

);t /heodore $asnt the %ather o% yor children either! $as he9* Annie persisted. )8hat $as their %athers

name9*

)/hat $as Perry!* Alicia replied $ith a brittle smile. )?y %irst hsband $as Perry.*

)-s he here some$here to9* Annie as#ed gilelessly.

)As a matter o% %act Perry is ot o% the contry on bsiness at the moment!* Alicia replied. )'e called this

morning to o%%er daddy his congratlations.*

)-s he remarried too9* Annie pressed.

)?other* Adrey admonished! trying to stem Annies embarrassing 5estions.

Alicia started rolling one o% the pearls %rom her nec#lace arond bet$een her %ingers as i% to relieve stress.

)Perry is married to ,ynthia ;ridges o% the De$port ;ridges! )she eplained $ith a brittle smile. )/heyve



2+:

been together %or over ten years no$ and have %or children.*

/here $as a strained silence. Annie toyed $ith the idea o% as#ing $hether Alicia had anyone in line to

become hsband nmber %or bt cold st imagine ho$ angry Adrey $old become i% she did.

Eventally Alicia spo#e. )=or seats are at the %irst table! o% corse!* she instrcted! pointing grace%lly

to$ard the cro$d clstered at the %ront o% the room. )In%ortnately its a little cro$ded p there right no$!

everyones anios to give dad their best $ishes - hope its not too over$helming %or him. Poor dear hes

going to be ehasted a%ter this! -m a%raid.*

)-s ?itch still $ith it9* Annie as#ed.

)Ecse me9* Alicia as#ed! $ith a slight sco$l. (he $as still rolling a pearl bet$een the %ingers o% her

right hand.

)?itch. 8hats his mental state9 -s he going to #no$ $ho - am9* Annie elaborated.

)7h!* Alicia replied! momentarily at a loss %or $ords. )addy has his good days and his bad days! yo

#no$ ho$ it is!* she said 5ietly! glancing at Adrey.

)'o$ $old she #no$9* Annie challenged! be%ore Adrey cold reply. )-ve still got all o% my marbles.*

8ho did this pompos niece o% hers thin# she $as! trying to disparage Annies mental capacities right in %ront



2+<

o% her li#e that9

)?oms still as sharp as a tac#!* Adrey advised Alicia! emphasi6ing the $ord tack a bit more than

necessary! Annie thoght.

)8ell... it $as lovely seeing yo all!* Alicia said! in her bree6iest hostess voice! )bt -m a%raid -ll have to

go greet some o% the other gests. - see (enator Prosser has st arrived. At times li#e this - really miss mother

8ell all have to do some more catching p later.* A%ter patting Adreys arm she trned and $al#ed to$ard the

doble doors.

)- miss her mother! too!* Annie remar#ed. );renda #ne$ ho$ to tal# to people $ithot sonding li#e she

had a stic# p her btt.*

Adrey tried to shsh her bt Annie $as re$arded by a g%%a$ %rom /im. )=o got that right! Annie!* he

said.

)=o t$o behave!* Adrey admonished. )o yo thin# $e shold get in line to say hello to Incle ?itch

or see i% $e can s5ee6e into or seats at the table9*

)- thin# $e shold hail one o% those $aiters and get some hors doevres!* Annie sggested! re%erring to

the men in caramelcolored ac#ets she had seen scrrying arond the room $ith trays. (he deserved some

re$ard %or ptting p $ith Alicias brand o% sociali6ing %or so long.



2+B

/hey gradally made their $ay to their seats at the long table at the %ront o% the room. According to the

place cards they $ere sitated near a set o% doors $ith $aiters bstling in and ot. It figures" Annie thoght.

3lace us at the first table but #ractically in the kitchen.

(he brightened p $hen a $aiter came by a moment later $ith a $ellladen tray. Annie 5estioned him

abot every item on it and glee%lly accepted one o% each. (he bit into something spread on a small rond o%

crsty bread and smiled $ith nbridled pleasre.

)/his Por# "illette is heavenly* Annie enthsed to the person seated to her le%t. (he trned st enogh to

see $ho she $as spea#ing to and reali6ed it $as (ara. )/he $aiter told me it has apple brandy in the recipe!*

she con%ided in her granddaghter. )- $onder i% theyll let me have champagne later. -ve never been a drin#er!

bt it $old be sch a treat to have some bbbly champagne -ll bet they ordered some really high class $ines

%or this amboree. =o didnt ta#e any hor doevres! (ara. ,ome on! live it p* Annie admonished! good

natredly.

)-m not %eeling hngry st no$! Dana!* (ara replied so%tly! loo#ing do$n at her place setting. 'er voice

sonded as i% her sinses $ere st%%ed p.

)Are yo coming do$n $ith something! child9* Annie as#ed! trning to$ard (ara $ithot relin5ishing

her grip on her canapO.



2+>

)Do! Dana! -m not sic#. 8ell! sort o% heartsic#! - gess. -ts ,olin!* (ara replied.

)Probably too mch spicy %ood!* Annie advised. )=o shold ta#e some o% that thic#! pin# medicine as

soon as yo get home.*

)?y boy%riend! Colin"* (ara elcidated! then trned a$ay as i% she regretted having broght p the sbect.

)7h! -m sorry! honey!* Annie said. )id yo have a %ight9*

(ara trned bac# to$ard Annie slightly. )Do! - havent even tal#ed to him abot $hats bothering me yet.

'es been so ecited abot ma#ing the toring laserball team that -...*

)/he what team9* Annie interrpted.

(ara seemed %rstrated at being sidetrac#ed! her voice a bit strident $hen she replied. ) Laserball ! Dana

its baseball played at night. /he team leader has to decide $here and $hat type o% laser light theyre going to

deploy %or each batter on the opposing team. -% they ma#e the right choice they can see the ball and get the

rnner ot. -% not! the rnner might score. /he bases glo$ in the dar# o% corse! and so do the baselines and the

balls. Any$ay! ,olin made the toring team and hes been so ecited - didnt $ant to pset him by bringing p

my problem.*

)8hat problem is that9* Annie as#ed! %ro$ning as she tried hard to concentrate. -% only Annie cold



240

determine $hat $as bothering (ara maybe she cold help bt this tal# abot glo$inthedar# baseballs $as

distracting.

)- need to tell someone and - dont #no$ $ho else to tell!* (ara began so%tly. )?other $old %rea# ot i% -

tried to tal# to her abot it. (he and dad might even re%se to let me see ,olin anymore and -d st die i% that

happened =o see! things have been #ind o% heating p bet$een s. -t $asnt so bad be%ore the prom! bt

then...*

Annies %ro$n deepened. (he contined to concentrate as hard as she cold on (aras moth and she cold

see that it $as still moving bt she cold not hear $hat (ara $as saying anymore. /here $as a sort o% rmbling

noise that had overta#en (aras voice and it contined to gro$ in volme ntil Annie $as %orced to yell )- cant

hear yo* in an eaggerated $ay becase she #ne$ (ara $old never be able to hear her over the roar and she

$anted her to be able to read her lips. (aras moth stopped moving and as she trned a$ay this time Annie

caght a glimpse o% despair in her epression. Annie trned to her right to try to stop $hatever $as casing the

inter%erence and %ond a $hole grop o% people cro$ding arond! one o% them thoghtlessly bmping into her

chair as they oc#eyed to see something.

)8hat is going on here9* Annie demanded! raising her tremlos voice as high as she cold trying to catch

someones attention. 8hen that didnt seem to $or# she reached p and po#ed a bony %inger into the derriere o%

the person $earing the shiny ble dress mere inches in %ront o% her %ace. /hat person started into the person

net to her casing a ripple e%%ect that ended $ith a bac#lash that sent her into Annies chair again.



241

)(top that this instant* Annie ordered! thin#ing this $as altogether too mch to have to tolerate in order to

get some French appeti6ers.

/he $oman in the ble dress trned in Annies direction and shoted at her. )-m so sorry! -m $ith

;ewsmedia Illinois.* (he $as $earing some odd device $ith a lens protrding %rom it in the center o% her

%orehead li#e a third eye.

)/hat doesnt ecse yor rde behavior. 8hat in the $orld are yo doing here9 (holdnt yo be over by

?itch and his gropies9* Annie as#ed! pointing to$ard the area $here! to her best estimation! she had last

#no$n ?itch to be seated.

)/hats $hy -m here!* the $oman said! pointing to$ard the cro$d o% abbering people.

(ddenly Alicia appeared! ctting throgh the cro$d and parting them imperiosly. )Please! give s some

privacy. ?y %ather is going to have his meal no$. A%ter$ard! i% he %eels p to it! yo can as# some 5estions.

Please! yoll all have to move to the bac# o% the room.*

(lo$ly the people dri%ted a$ay ntil Annie sat %acing an old man in a dele glyder. A bad topee perched

atop his head. 'is prominent nose $as shiny and pale. 'is %ace $as thin and $rin#led so badly that Annie

cold not imagine ho$ he cold be shaved sa%ely. ;t someone had obviosly ta#en the troble to shave him

and dress him in a ble ac#et $ith a color%l cravat at his nec# instead o% a tie. /he ac#et matched the ble o%

his eyes $hich! thogh they $ere covered by large glasses! didnt seem to be %ocsed on anything in particlar.



242

'is a$ $as slac# leaving his moth a little open and giving him the appearance o% a dllard.

)addy!* Alicia $as saying %airly lodly into the mans ear. )/his is yor sister. =or little sister! Ann.*

/he man sat %or$ard sha#ily. Eventally his eyes seemed to %ocs on her. )Ann9* he as#ed! disbelieving.

)-ts me! ?itch!* Annie replied! hoping she did not loo# as decrepit to him and he did to her. And yet his

%ace still reminded her o% their %ather. /he same disapproving bro$! the same do$ntrned lips. Degative yet

%amiliar attribtes. )'appy birthday! ?itch!* Annie thoght to add.

)-m B4!* ?itch replied! stating it as a bald %act. Annie cold not tell i% he $ere prod o% his age or alarmed

by it.

)=es! - #no$!* Annie replied. (he $as abot to mention her o$n age bt didnt really see the point. (he

trned to her le%t to see i% Adrey $ere sitting near her bt they had lo$ered the lights and in the %a

candlelight she coldnt tell $ho $as seated past (ara. )?y daghter Adrey is here!* Annie told ?itch. )=o

remember Adrey9*

)Adrey9* ?itch repeated. )Little Adrey9*

)(hes not little anymore! ?itch. (hes a gro$n $oman $ith a %amily!* Annie pointed ot.



243

);renda $ill $ant to see her!* ?itch stated.

Alicia! $ho $as seated net to ?itch! leaned over the table. Annie coldnt help thin#ing some$hat

$ic#edly that i% the candles on the table had been the old%ashioned type $ith real %lames Alicias ga6y dress

$old have gone p 5ic#er than a dry ,hristmas tree. )addy sometimes %orgets mother is no longer $ith s

$hen hes... overtired!* Alicia advised in a stage $hisper.

)8heres ?i#e9* ?itch as#ed Annie.

?itch might not remember his $i%e $as deceased bt Annie cold never %orget abot ?i#e. -n this respect

Annie almost envied ?itch his poor memory. )?itch! ?i#e passed a$ay many years ago. 'e had a heart

attac#. =o remember!* she said.

)- al$ays li#ed ?i#e!* ?itch replied! either neglecting to ac#no$ledge Annies remar# or ignoring it

altogether.

)- #no$ yo did! ?itch!* Annie replied. )'e li#ed yo! too.* /his last bit $asnt eactly tre! nor $as it

eactly a lie. ?i#e had li#ed ?itch $ell enogh Annie spposed! bt they had never spent enogh time

together to become close. ?itch had al$ays been too bsy $ith his career to bother abot his brotherinla$.

/he %irst corse arrived! some #ind o% bee% consommO. Annie $as disappointed. /his $asnt the #ind o%

rich! %illing %ood she had come p here %or. (he hoped the other corses $ere not going to be so light.



24+

Alicia care%lly spoon %ed consommO to her %ather. Annies opinion o% her niece had begn to so%ten at this

solicitos behavior ntil Annie noted ho$ a$#$ardly Alicia handled the spoon! ho$ o%ten she broght a %ll

spoon p to ?itchs lips be%ore he had %inished his previos bite! ho$ she heedlessly let the consommO drip

do$n ?itchs chin onto the nap#in she had %astened arond his nec# li#e a bib. -t $as obviosly not a ob she

did o%ten. Annie sspected it $as st %or pblic sho$.

;et$een corses Annie leaned to$ard her brother. )'ey! ?itch!* she said! to get his attention. 8hen he

trned his ga6e to$ard her! she contined! )o yo have a video monitor in yor room9*

)A video monitor9* he replied! as i% he $asnt 5ite sre $hat that might be.

)=es!* Annie repeated. )A video monitor. -s there one in yor room9*

)/heres one in the living room!* ?itch said! his magni%ied ble eyes loo#ing rond li#e an o$ls. );t

Angel $atches it mostly.*

)8ho is Angel9* Annie as#ed. 8as ?itch so close to the end that he $as able to see the heavenly host9

)addys tal#ing abot his personal assistant!* Alicia eplained. )'is name is not actally Angel. People in

his pro%ession are o%ten re%erred to as &ardian Angels. (alvador is trained in physical therapy bt he assists

addy in every aspect o% his li%e. 'e sets his daily schedle! helps him eat! bathe! dress! ma#es sre he ta#es



244

his medication does everything! really (o - mean i% he $ants to $atch something on the video monitor in the

a%ternoon $hen daddys napping theres nothing $rong $ith that. /roble is! he li#es to $atch those trashy

dge sho$s. addy thin#s those sho$s are drivel. 'e $as an attorney! yo #no$.*

'o$ cold Annie %orget9

A%ter some chateabriand $ith t$iceba#ed potatoes and green beans almondine! the $ait sta%% $heeled

ot a hmngos ca#e slathered $ith $hipped cream %rosting. Annie $old have li#ed to have dipped her

%ingers into the $hipped cream and lic#ed them o%% one by one $hile prring li#e a cat bt had to be satis%ied

$ith the generos slice o% ca#e a $aitress set be%ore her. -t had stra$berry mosse %illing.

/he pleasre the delicios cisine had broght her made Annie reali6e ho$ bland her normal %are $as in

comparison. Annie #ne$ ho$ nli#ely it $as that she $old be granted access to the seventh %loor again and

became determined to se this opportnity to try to solicit her brothers aid. 8hile he ate his ca#e $ith little

smac#ing sonds %rom the %or# Alicia held ot to him! Annie monted her campaign.

)?itch! yor constitents need yor help!* she said! solemnly.

)8hats the problem9* he as#ed! %ro$ning slightly.

)?itch! $hile yo are living in the lap o% lry $ith an Angel to ma#e sre everything goes smoothly %or

yo! eating rich %oods prepared by some che%C yor constitents do$nstairs are not living so $ell. 8e are



24:

getting bland! overcoo#ed %oods and being given a toic sbstance called igest ,omplete. 8e are re%sed

video monitors in or tiny rooms and are made to sit throgh hor a%ter hor o% It Sounds Like rerns.*

)- li#e It Sounds Like!* Alicia remar#ed! earning a harsh loo# %rom her ant.

)?itch! yo have to do something to ease the s%%ering o% yor constitents!* Annie insisted. -n trth

Annie didnt #no$ i% there $as anything ?itch cold do! bt even as a retired senator he had to have more clot

than Annie or any o% the other residents on her %loor.

?itch shoo# his head $hen Alicia o%%ered him another bite o% ca#e. 'e seemed trobled by $hat Annie

had told him. 'e trned to$ard her a%ter being lost in thoght %or a moment. )/ell me Annie!* he said! )did

they contribte to my campaign9*

)8hat9* Annie as#ed! ta#en abac#.

)Are they campaign contribtors9* ?itch repeated.

)8hat campaign9 ?itch! yove been retired %or years* Annie admonished.

)-m al$ays raising %nds %or the net election!* ?itch insisted.

)/here arent going to be any more elections!* Annie began! then seeing that it $as seless trying to



24<

convince him! she changed tactics. )-m sre some o% these people have spported yor campaigns. 8hat are

yo going to do to help them9*

?itch sat 5ietly $ith a decided %ro$n on his %ace %or some time. Annie $atched him hope%lly. 'er

brother had prportedly spent most o% his li%e $or#ing %or the pblic good! srely he cold come p $ith a $ay

to improve the lives o% the residents o% 8interhaven.

)8hen - get bac# to 8ashington! -ll %orm a committee to loo# into the sitation!* ?itch %inally

prononced! his magni%ied eyes appearing to ga6e right throgh her.

)Do$ ?itch!* Annie began! only to be ct o%% by Alicia. (he had motioned %or the reporters $hile Annie

had been soliciting ?itchs aid and they $ere no$ once more cro$ding arond the table! only this time they

$ere on the other side and did not ostle Annie.

)/his is my %athers yonger sister! ?rs. ,allahan!* Alicia annonced. (ddenly lenses $ere evident

every$here and one o% those hovering orbs began glo$ing brightly in the air above the reporters heads. Annie

didnt #no$ $hat to do. (he tried to smile dring the %irst onslaght bt she $as soon almost blinded %rom the

light that seemed to have gro$n dangerosly intense. /hen Alicia sitated ?itch in his glyder close to Annies

side $hich cased a ne$ %lrry o% activity %rom the reporters. /he orb %inally dimmed and the b66 o% voices

died a$ay. Annie closed her eyes and $aited %or the residal brightness in her vision %ield to dissipate.

)?om9 Are yo all right9* she heard Adrey as# at her side.



24B

)- gess so!* Annie replied. )8hat happened9 8here did everybody go9*

)- heard some gy in a $hite sit tell Alicia it $as time %or Incle ?itch to have his medication. /hey

glyded him ot o% the room!* Adrey replied.

Annie catiosly opened her eyes. /here $ere still patches o% brightness marring her vision bt things had

started to settle do$n again. )- might need some medication mysel%!* Annie remar#ed! %eeling the beginnings

o% a headache some$here behind her beleagered eyes.

)8ed better get yo bac# do$nstairs $here they can ta#e care o% yo!* Adrey said! manevering the

glyder a$ay %rom the table.

)=ore a good girl! Adrey!* Annie remar#ed! closing her a%%ronted eyes again.



24>

,hapter 2+

?itchs reception had depressed Annie. "ecogni6ing her brothers senility and impotence had only

rein%orced the #no$ledge that she hersel% $as old and seless and merely a shado$ o% her %ormer sel%. Dot that

her %ormer sel% had been either happy or %l%illed bt she had al$ays had some measre o% optimism that her

%tre might be brighter! that things might get better. Do$ she had little %tre and ths little hope remaining.

Ever since ?itch had as#ed abot ?i#e at the reception! memories o% ?i#es passing and the scceeding

events had rn throgh her head li#e scenes %rom an o%ten$atched movie. (o $hen @les placed the

Li%evie$er over her eyes! Annie broght the memories to li%e in the %orm o% (ophia and a male analog.

ike came home from work one day and even though we were not communicating very well at the time I

could tell something serious must have taken #lace. *e did not ask me what was for dinner or go through the

stack of mail on the kitchen counter as he usually did. *e just came in the house and headed downstairs.

/he male %igre $al#ed do$n a heavy 6ig6agging line that represented the basement stairs to the

Li%evie$er! head lo$ered.

ver the years he had transformed half of the basement into a recreation room. %here was a bar in one

corner" an old sofa that had been demoted from its former s#ot in the living room" a television set" and a #ool

table ike had gotten for free from a co-worker whod had no further use for it. ike had #aneled the wall on

one side of the room and #ainted the others a #ersimmon color. $udrey had entertained her friends down there



2:0

a few times but other than that no one ever s#ent any significant amount of time downstairs. It would have been

a good #lace to entertain guests but we never invited #eo#le over. It would have been too stressful having

guests in the house what with all the tension that was habitually between us.

So I was sur#rised when ike went downstairs that evening and stayed down there. ,y then $udrey was

away at college. %he house was eerily &uiet. If ike had been working on some #roject surely there would have

been some kind of noise from downstairs but it had been many years since he had made any im#rovements

down there and I didnt hear any construction noises. I cautiously o#ened the door and yelled (7oure dinner is

getting cold!) but when ike made no re#ly I closed it again and left him to himself.

(ophia opened a door and leaned %or$ard! her moth opening to %orm the shape o% a large semicircle as a

balloon appeared above her head $ith a ringing bell inside. Annie decided it mst be a dinner bell. (ophia

pased a moment and then sht the basement door.

I tried to work on some sketches for a client but I ke#t wondering what was going on with ike and I

couldnt concentrate. I thought about calling $udrey8 maybe I could get her to talk to ike and find out what

was going on. ,ut it seemed silly to call my daughter in another town to find out what was going on in my own

basement.

6inally I gathered my nerve and went to the basement door. I o#ened it" knowing the creak it habitually

made would alert him that I was coming down. I made my way slowly down the stairs trying to make a casual

entrance but the sound of my footste#s on the stairs seemed about as delicate as an ele#hants. It was so &uiet



2:1

down there I couldnt imagine what ike could be u# to.

(ophia $al#ed catiosly do$n the 6ig6ag steps! her shado$ shaped vagely li#e that o% an elephant.

+hen I got downstairs the room was utterly still. y eyes &uickly searched out ikes figure #erched ato#

one of the bar stools facing the far wall. $s I a##roached I noted the rock glass on the bar clutched in his hand

containing a dark tawny li&uid. I sto##ed a few feet away and waited for him to acknowledge my #resence.

+hen he didnt" I came closer and #ulled out the stool net to his and sat down.

*e took a si# from his glass but avoided looking in my direction ece#t #erha#s with the tail of his eye.

(+hats wrong/) I asked" #utting away my #ride to be the first to s#eak.

(Its been a rough day") he muttered under his breath.

ike never drank. %he last time I could remember seeing him with a drink was at his nieces wedding

rece#tion years before when someone was making a toast. So if he was drinking because of a rough day it must

have been awful.

(+hat ha##ened/) I asked.

(y com#any is consolidating. %heyre closing four offices in my district. I had to call the su#ervisors of



2:2

those offices and give them the news. Ive worked with some of those #eo#le for over twenty years. Its been a

rough day") he re#eated. %he entire time he was talking he faced the clock on the wall that had #ool balls for

numbers. *e had gotten into the habit in recent years of rarely looking me in the face even when he was

s#eaking to me which did little for my still tattered self-esteem.

(%hat must have been hard") I said" restraining the im#ulse to #at his shoulder. I doubted he would

willingly acce#t any #hysical comforting from me. (Im sorry you had to go through that.)

(h" the worst isnt over yet") ike said. (%omorrow I start visiting each office. I want to talk to each of

the em#loyees who are being laid off. I could leave everything u# to their su#ervisors but I feel a res#onsibility

to be #ersonally involved.)

$ thought suddenly came into my head and I foolishly s#oke without taking time to think first. (Is @ara

one of the em#loyees being laid off/)

$t this ike turned to look at me" his e#ression a miture of scorn and incredulity. (5o you see why I

came to sit down here alone in the basement/ *ow am I su##osed to talk to you/ Im going through a #ersonal

crisis and all you can do is har# on something that ha##ened many years ago! I told you when @ara got

married. She and her husband have two kids8 one of them just started grade school. %he last time I talked to

her was #robably si months ago when I was at her office for a meeting. +e s#oke for maybe two minutes"

mostly about our kids" and then she had to leave for an a##ointment. 7es" @ara is going to be laid off. $long

with five other em#loyees from that office" along with twenty-three other #eo#le in other offices. any of them



2:3

have been with the com#any for a long time and have #roven themselves to be hard-working" res#onsible and

com#etent #eo#le. thers are young and fairly new to the com#any" getting e#erience and ho#ing to carve out

a good future for themselves and their families. $nd I cant hel# feeling that the com#any has let them down"

that - have let them down in some way. ,ut I dont know why Im trying to e#lain this to you. 7ou cant ever

seem to see beneath the surface.)

I wished the ground would o#en u# and swallow me at that moment. I knew immediately that I had jum#ed

to a foolish" naive conclusion in attributing his evident distress solely to a lingering affection for @ara. y only

defense was that I had never recovered my confidence after that incident" never recovered any sense of security

in our relationshi#. ,ut I recogni'ed that this was the worst time imaginable to bring u# these issues when

ike was going through such a tough situation. So" thinking of nothing beneficial to say" I remained silent.

$fter a moment ike turned away from me and went back to facing the o#timistically cheerful wall clock.

(It must be easy for you") he went on" (working alone like you do most of the time. ;o connections" no losses.

+hatever ha##ened to that one guy that used to work with you/ Steve/)

6or a cou#le of years I had had a #art-time hel#er named Steve. I had sometimes hired tem#orary

workers" mostly college students" and Steve had been one of the grou#. *e hadnt been terribly ambitious and

had eventually dro##ed out of college altogether. *e had inherited a house from his #arents and subsisted on

the money he earned delivering news#a#ers in the early morning hours and hel#ing me for a few hours here

and there in the afternoons and evenings. *e had not been very forthcoming about himself and we had never

become friends in any sense" but he had been reliable and had done consistently good work.



2:+

(*e sold his house and moved somewhere out west") I re#lied sim#ly" unable to su##ly any more

information because I honestly couldnt remember why Steve had decided to move or where he had gone to. *e

had left in the s#ringtime and it had been easy to re#lace him with other college students looking for summer

em#loyment. In recent years I had sto##ed being so ambitious and mostly worked on one room here or there

and didnt really need any hel#ers. In many ways I #referred working alone. I was able to concentrate better on

what I was doing without having to worry about overseeing someone elses work. ,ut ike had always been a

more social #erson than I.

I thought of asking ike if he wanted me to reheat his dinner but reasoned that he would only accuse me

of not understanding him again. aybe I didnt understand #recisely how he felt but I knew he was suffering

and I wished I could hel# in some way. I just felt inade&uate for the task.

(Listen ike") I began" alarmed to hear a tremor in my voice" (Im truly sorry you have to go through

this.) ,y now tears were falling unbidden from my eyes. aybe he wouldnt notice" he was still facing that

ridiculously corny triangular-sha#ed clock. aybe I could finish what I wanted to say and retreat u#stairs with

some shred of dignity. (I know you dont think I understand you very well and maybe youre right. ,ut I do

know that youre hurting...) Suddenly I couldnt go on. y throat throbbed as if my uns#oken words were stuck

in there like darts in a dartboard. I turned" #lanning to walk away and leave ike as alone as he surely wanted

to be.

*e stood and his hand grabbed my wrist before I could get beyond his reach. I was reluctant to turn



2:4

toward him" not wanting him to see the tears and distress on my face. +ouldnt he accuse me of thinking of my

own selfish #roblems when he was going through hell/

($nnie") he said sim#ly" in a warmer tone than I had heard from him in a long time.

4ncouraged by this" I looked at him. %hen I sto##ed worrying about him seeing the tears on my face

because ike had been silently crying himself. I tenderly wi#ed his tears away with my free hand. *e released

my wrist and my arms went around him and his went around me and we stood there just holding each other

gently for a very long time.

(ophia and her hsband hgged one another. (ophia li%ted her right leg behind her pointing the toe o% her

highheeled shoe do$n to$ard the %loor. /he girlishness o% this gestre strc# Annie and she %elt sdden brst

o% a%%ection %or her Animate.

I could tell from ikes uneven breathing that he continued crying for a while but eventually his breathing

became slower and steadier. $s for me" my own tears had ceased when I had sto##ed thinking about my own

situation and had begun concentrating on ikes distress.

(*ow did we ever get into such a mess/) ikes voice asked #laintively near my ear.

I shook my head gently. (I dont know" I dont know") I demurred" softly.



2::

ike slowly released his embrace. I was afraid of what I might see if I looked at his e#ression but when I

got u# the nerve and raised my eyes I discovered he was ga'ing at me with what a##eared to be fondness.

(I love you" $nnie") he said sim#ly.

(I love you" too") I re#lied. It wasnt easy to say. ;ot because I didnt feel it but because I knew e#ressing

my love for ike made me more vulnerable. ,ut if ike was willing to take the risk of verbali'ing his feelings I

couldnt be cowardly and hold back myself.

+e went u#stairs and made love with more tenderness and intensity than we had in many years. 3oor ike

didnt get to slee# until after one in the morning and had to get u# for work at si. I usually would have sle#t

later myself because my client at the time was retired and didnt want me to arrive until after nine but I got u#

that morning and made ikes coffee along with some 6rench toast and fruit salad. *e was #leased by my

offering and went off to work in a better mood than the task at hand would normally have elicited.

(ophias hsband $aved throgh the drivers $indo$ o% his boy car as she $atched him leave %or $or#.

(he smiled and ble$ him a #iss throgh the #itchen $indo$.

%hat evening his mood was more subdued but still better than it had been the #revious night. %hings

remained awkward but we both wanted to maintain our renewed closeness and we went out of our way to get

along" each offering fre&uent a#ologies for imagined slights to the other and basically walking on eggshells. It

was ehausting but it seemed worthwhile at the time.



2:<

I always wondered later if it werent a mied blessing. It was true we had managed to tem#orarily

reca#ture some of the affection we had felt for each other but had it come at too high a cost/ +as the stress of

working so hard at getting along in addition to his other stresses what brought on ikes heart attack only a

few short weeks later or is that kind of thinking counter#roductive/ Shouldnt I just be thankful that we had

managed to somewhat resolve things in the end/

I will always feel guilty that I didnt awaken in time to hel# him. 6or all I know" ike died in his slee#

without waking himself. +hen I looked at him that morning I knew immediately he had left me. *is eyes were

closed but his mouth was o#en. %here was a stillness - a total" unnatural lack of animation - that told me

something had gone terribly wrong. %he ike I saw was just an em#ty shell" an unbelievably heavy late-like

suit that the real ike used to inhabit. I knew before I touched him that his skin would feel cold. I knew before I

#ressed my fingers to his wrist that there would be no #ulse" that no fog would form on the mirror from my

nightstand when I held it before his face. I dialed the #olice with trembling fingers and could barely s#eak but

was somehow more com#osed when I called $udrey afterward. I felt I had to be strong for her.

(ophia $ent throgh the motions Annie described $hen she %ond the still %igre o% her hsband on their

rectanglar bed. (he per%ormed them $ith an odd sort o% grace %or sch a crde animated character. -t $as as i%

she nderstood the gravity o% the sitation and ho$ signi%icant an event this had been %or Annie. Annie

appreciated her sensitivity.

I hardly remember what ha##ened in the course of the net week. $rrangements were made" #eo#le were



2:B

notified" and condolences were received. I went through the motions of waking and burying my deceased

husband. I went through it all in a sort of detached fog.

I recogni'ed her at once when she entered the funeral home. I had seen a #hotogra#h of @ara in a

com#any newsletter several years before. It had turned out that she was not the shar#ly dressed blonde woman

I had seen when I had staked out ikes office. She was in fact a short" slight brunette who looked like the

ty#ical girl net door" wholesome and nice. She was accom#anied by a tall" well-built man with dark hair in an

ill-fitting dark suit who looked rather uncomfortable. I remembered ike telling me that @aras husband was a

contractor. %his might have accounted for his discomfort" being com#elled to wear a confining suit when he

customarily wore work clothes. r maybe it was that he was aware of his wifes former attachment to the

deceased.

(ophia %aced a small $oman %igre dressed in a bsiness sit net to a bra$ny man in a loose %itting

ac#et. (ophia held her chin p stoically and gave them a brave little smile.

I had always wondered whether @ara was aware that I knew about her and ike. %he guilty look in her

eyes when she introduced herself and her husband told me that she was. $ll I could do on my #art was to act

like the magnanimous widow and acce#t her condolences courteously.

(Im so sorry for your loss") she cooed with sincerity. *er voice was sort of high-#itched and girlish. I

wondered how seriously the insurance com#anys clients had taken her over the #hone when she came across

sounding so young and childlike. (ike was a good man and a good manager. +ell all really miss him") she



2:>

said" smiling at me weakly. She was obviously in danger of crying" something I had been unable to accom#lish

since that first day I had discovered ike was gone. %hen @ara reached out and hugged me as firmly if she

were an old friend.

I hugged her back" for ikes sake. I knew he would want me to be merciful to @ara in honor of whatever

degree of affection he had felt toward her in the end. I didnt think it had been #articularly significant by then.

@aras husband held out his hand to me. (Im sorry") he intoned in a sur#risingly dee# voice.

(I understand youre a contractor") I said" as he #um#ed my hand with a firm gri#. (+ere sort of in the

same trade. Im an interior decorator.)

(h" yeah/) he said" with some interest. (*ow long have you been a decorator/)

(Its been over twenty years") I re#lied" sur#rised myself to reali'e how long I had been working.

(h" yeah/) he re#eated. (Ive been working in this area almost that long myself. Its sur#rising we never

ran into each other before") he remarked.

I was familiar with many of the local contractors. ften clients called in a contractor to do re#airs or

build additions to their homes and then hired me to do the decorating. Sometimes the contractors were just

finishing u# when I came for my first visit or sometimes they were working in another room.



2<0

(5o you work for someone else" or do you work on your own/) I asked.

(I work with Scott Sheedy") he re#lied" (Scott Sheedy and Com#any. ,ut Ive been thinking of going out

on my own" with my son" ,rady. *es about to graduate from high school.)

I reali'ed at once this son must be from a #revious marriage. I was looking at @ara when he made this

remark. $t the mention of her ste#sons name" @aras e#ression clouded. (%heres nothing like being your own

boss") I remarked" gratified to think that @aras life wasnt #erfect after all. *er husband had come with

baggage! $t least by staying together ike and I had avoided that kind of com#lication.

Some of ikes other co-workers had congregated behind @ara and her husband waiting to offer their

condolences. (+ed better move on") @ara told her husband" and etended her hand to me. *er handshake

was fairly firm but her skin felt cold. (If you ever need anything" #lease call me") she said. I wondered how I

was su##osed to reach her once she was laid off from the com#any but obviously she was just being #olite and

didnt think I would ever actually want to get in touch with her.

(%hank you") I re#lied" I ho#ed graciously. She and her husband moved away in the direction of the

casket. I wanted to see @aras reaction when she encountered ike in his casket but knew it was a #etty desire.

,esides I could hardly stare after her for several minutes and kee# the other mourners waiting. I turned toward

the other co-workers with a resolute little smile.



2<1

Later I remembered that $udrey and her family had been standing by the casket at around that time. I

described @ara and her husband and asked $udrey if she remembered anything about @aras reaction when

they a##roached to look at ike.

%he wake must have been a difficult ordeal for $udrey because normally she would have wondered why I

had singled this #articular woman out and would have in&uired about it. ,ut that day she sim#ly said" (I dont

remember anything unusual. She looked like the rest of dads co-workers 0 sad and kind of shocked. I mean" he

was at work just a few days earlier! *er husband did something kind of odd" though") she added as an after

thought.

(+hat was that/) I asked.

(I remember as they a##roached the casket he reached out and grabbed her arm. I got the im#ression he

was #hysically restraining her as they stood there" to #revent her from going too close. I thought that was

strange. It was as if he were afraid she would catch something from dad") $udrey e#lained.

7n the Li%evie$er the Kara %igre $as trying to approach a cas#etshaped bo $ith almost comic 6eal

$hile her hsband held onto her arm $ith a viceli#e grip.

So @aras husband must have known about their relationshi#! aybe he was afraid @ara would do

something to embarrass him" like kiss ikes cheek" if he let her get too close.



2<2

%he rest of that day and the day of the funeral are basically a blur in my mind. I said the right things" was

in the right #laces" and wore the re&uisite black widows dress. ,ut it didnt really sink in that ike was gone

for good until a few days after ike had been interred in the cemetery. I had returned to work reasoning that it

would be better to kee# busy than to have too much time on my hands for reflection.

I had s#ent the day wall#a#ering a room that was being converted from a teenagers bedroom into a den.

y clients son had moved out after graduating from college and getting a job in another state. %he wall#a#er

they had chosen was #e##ered with old-fashioned clocks on a light brown background. It wasnt anything I

would have chosen myself but I had gotten #ast the #oint where that mattered to me anymore. It was a job and

for me it was better than standing behind a cash register or sitting behind a desk.

It was fall and the sun was already setting when I got home. +inters in the idwest can be so harsh and

seem to last so long. 6all has de#ressed me since I became old enough to not enjoy #laying in snow anymore.

I no longer bothered to wash u# before coming home since there was no one there to see me. So the first

thing I did that evening was take a &uick shower and #ut on some mismatching sweat#ants and a t-shirt. I went

down to the kitchen and threw a microwavable meal in to heat u#. I didnt bother much with cooking" either. I

just needed something that would fill my stomach" it didnt really matter what.

I sat at the kitchen table and ate my meal. %he house was silent with the &uality of silence you encounter in

a library" a silence that it would be a violation to breech. I ke#t seeing those clock faces from my clients

wall#a#er in front of my eyes. %hey seemed to re#resent all the seconds" minutes" hours that com#rised the rest



2<3

of my life. *ow was I ever going to fill them/ %hey were a huge burden weighing me down" making me feel like

I was full of cement. It clogged my stomach" my veins. I #ushed myself away from the table and went into the

living room to lie down on the sofa.

%he weight I felt in my body s#read to the sofa itself. $s I lay there I felt the heaviness engulf the cushions

and run down the arched wooden legs into the floor. I imagined myself to be #art of a se#ulchral statue in an

ancient cemetery8 cold dull marble" devoid of life. I imagined the cessation of all bodily functions 0 the

sto##ing of my heart" the stilling of the blood inside my veins" the surcease of the rise and fall of my chest as I

breathed. I willed these things to ha##en. I lay silently in my em#ty house and waited to cease to eist" to

become nothing but an em#ty casing as ike had such a short time before.

(ophia lay on a so%ali#e strctre! one arm %lng langidly above her head! the other o%% the edge o% the

so%a $ith the hand propped grace%lly bt li%elessly on the %loor. 'er eyes $ere sht and her %ace $as strangely

placid.

;o matter how hard I wished for these things I was aware that I continued to live. y body ke#t on

functioning as it always had with the addition of a few sore muscles from #a#ering that wall with those infernal

clock faces. God refused to s#are me from the minutes" hours and days ahead. 4ventually I reali'ed I was going

to have to find the mental strength to get u# off that sofa and do something no matter how useless it seemed.

%he heaviness that descended on me that night stayed with me through the following days. I engaged in my

usual activities but they took etra effort as if the air around me had been re#laced by water. I felt #hysically



2<+

and mentally tired. I started making odd mistakes 0 mis#lacing my keys and finding them later on the to# of a

door" leaving the oven on all night with the door o#en" cracking an egg and letting it #lo# out onto the counter

instead of into the bowl.

%he net day I was off I was doing the laundry. $s I was folding towels I came across one that was royal

blue. I held it u# and looked at it closely. I remembered thinking when I bought the towel that ike would like

it because blue was his favorite color. It suddenly struck me that he would never use that towel again.

%hat was all it took to set things off. I went from being #erfectly calm to convulsive crying and what I can

only describe as wailing. %he #laintive sound startled and alarmed me as if it were emanating from some throat

other than my very own. I sat down on the floor right where I was in front of the dryer clutching the blue towel

and rocking back and forth as the tears s#illed down my cheeks. %houghts of all the things ike would never

do swirled around inside my head. I hadnt reali'ed the #ower contained in the word (never) until that day.

ike would never fi the sticky front door" he would never finish reading the book about creative management

sitting on his nightstand" he would never attend $udreys graduation" he would never see his future

grandchildren" he would never reach retirement" we would never truly resolve our issues and be ha##y together

again. ;ever.

(ophia roc#ed bac# and %orth! hgging a to$el tightly to her chest! $ith visions o% boo#s and children and

a gradation cap %loating in a thoght balloon over her head. /he edges o% the royal ble to$el $aved almost

maestically as she roc#ed.



2<4

I was able to come to terms with ikes death after that horrible day. ,ut I wasnt able to move on in any

meaningful way. ;ever.



2<:

,hapter 24

Annie sat nervosly glancing arond the recreation modle. ?arissa had not been glyded in yet! $hich

$as nsal. /here $as a rmor that ,aroline "aynor had recovered enogh %rom her stro#e to come bac# to

the matration center. Annie had not seen her yet. ?aybe she $as on the third %loor $here the residents $ere

$ho needed more care. ;t there $as al$ays a chance she $old eventally come bac# to the %irst %loor and

Annie cold not a%%ord to lose ?arissa. Dot that she had yet to elicit any #ind o% reaction %rom her silent %riend!

bt she re%sed to give p on her. /al#ing to ?arissa! even i% she didnt respond! $as better than st sitting in

her room. Even thogh she still loved living in the illsion o% her old (hady 7a# Lane apartment sometimes

she $asnt p to the sspension o% disbelie% that $as re5ired to %eel completely com%ortable there. 8hen she

became too cogni6ant o% the %act that she $as still actally in the matration center and not a yong $oman

living in a small apartment $ith the man she loved! the %amiliar scene had the po$er to depress her.

/he $alls o% the recreation modle $ere dotted here and there $ith videoboard decorations depicting

pilgrims and tr#eys. /he %igres $ere plmp $ith eaggerated smiles. /he colors $ere bright. /hey $ere the

#ind o% things yod see on the $alls o% a #indergarten. -t strc# Annie once again ho$ similar the aged are to

children. /hey $ere coming %ll circle.

-t $old be /han#sgiving soon. Adrey $old have Annie over to her hose %or the long $ee#end.

Annie had concocted a plan. 'er o$n hose $as gone althogh she didnt #no$ the eact details

srronding its disposal. Adrey had ta#en care o% everything %or her. /he money had gone to the matration



2<<

center. ;t Adrey had plenty o% room at her hose. -% only Annie cold convince her daghter that she $old

not be any brden maybe Adrey $old let her stay. -t $oldnt be the same as living in her o$n home! that

$as tre she $old al$ays %eel li#e an interloper. (he $old have to learn to tolerate Adreys %amily as they

$old have to learn to tolerate her.

;t it $old still be in%initely better than her crrent eistence. (rronded by the ill and aged she $as

constantly reminded that she had no %tre in this $orld bt the grave. Adreys %amily $old be a $elcome

distraction. (he cold encorage @eremy in his gitar playing. (he cold spend time $ith (ara. (he

remembered (ara seemed terribly pset at ?itchs party and had $anted to tal# to her abot something or other.

And being $itness to /im and Adreys interactions $old be a com%ort to her. (he li#ed #no$ing that Adrey

$as in a solid relationship that $as not tainted as her o$n $ith Adreys %ather had been.

Annie $as lost in these thoghts as "eba came in directing the glyder o% the $oman in the ".7.E.. 8isps

o% the $omans hair and the loose %olds o% her hospital go$n $ere agitated by the airstream that engl%ed her. -t

reminded Annie o% ,harles ic#ens description o% the ghost o% @acob ?arleyC althogh in his case the

trblence $as apparently cased by hells %iery %rnace and not a preposteros advance in technology. /he

$omans lips mothed the $ord )hello* bt her $ea# little voice did not overcome the hissing o% the air ets.

Annie gave her a little $ave in response assming that since she coldnt hear the $omans voice the $oman

$as incapable o% hearing her o$n. (he o%ten $ished she #ne$ ho$ to sht o%% the ets on that chair so she cold

have a conversation $ith someone $ho $as capable o% giving a verbal response.

"ebas hair $asnt any nnatral color today and it $as no longer short. /oday it had bold golden



2<B

highlights and cascaded in intricate braids over her sholders. -t made her loo# more %eminine! althogh her

%ace $as still stdded $ith metal in all the sal areas. Annie assmed she $as sing some #ind o% etensions

srely they didnt have some miraclos $ay to ma#e hair gro$ several inches in a day9 ;t then she $oldnt

be srprised to learn that they had developed sch a thing. Annie al$ays %elt hopelessly behind the times.

)=o loo# nice today! "eba!* Annie said.

)/han#s! Annie!* "eba replied $ith her pleasant smile. )=ore loo#ing good yorsel%.*

)8heres ?arissa9* Annie as#ed. )(hes sally here by no$.*

)?arissa is having a physical in the health modle. (he shold be done soon!* "eba replied! loc#ing the

".7.E. residents glyder so it $oldnt move.

)-s ?arissa all right9* Annie as#ed $ith concern.

)(hes %ine!* "eba assred her. )Everyone gets a physical once a 5arter. -tll probably be time %or yors

pretty soon.*

Annie never sa$ "ebas s$eet %ace $ithot $ishing her grandson $ere older so that she cold act as a

matchma#er %or them. ;t sddenly another option occrred to her.



2<>

)-s @les here today9* Annie as#ed.

)- havent seen him!* "eba replied! loo#ing 5ic#ly do$n at the controls to the ".7.E. bt not ma#ing any

adstments.

Annie $ondered i% she had hit on something. )- thin# @les is the nicest male attendant here!* she remar#ed

innocently.

)'e is very nice!* "eba agreed! still re%sing to loo# Annie in the eye. 8as that a blsh Annie detected on

her chee#9

)'es a living doll -ts a shame things didnt $or# ot $ith that $oman! E something or other! that he $as

dating!* Annie said.

)/hey didnt9* "eba as#ed! glancing at Annie gardedly.

)'e told me they bro#e p. (he $as al$ays dragging her %riends along every$here they $ent!* Annie

advised. )- #no$ i% I $ere dating a man li#e @les -d $ant to spend my time alone $ith him.*

/here cold be no mista#ing the blsh on "ebas chee#s a%ter this remar#. (he loo#ed do$n at her $atch

proection and then arond the room! %lstered. )Im! - gess -d better be going. -ll see yo later! Annie.*



2B0

)=o loo# really nice today! "eba!* Annie reiterated as "eba $al#ed a$ay $ith a %orced smile.

elores broght ?arissa in a short $hile later.

)/heres my girl!* Annie remar#ed as she scooted her chair closer to ?arissas glyder. )'o$ $as her

physical9* Annie as#ed elores.

)(hes doing very $ell!* elores replied bree6ily! althogh they both #ne$ that i% there $ere anything

$rong $ith ?arissa elores $old not be able to discss it $ith Annie de to patient privacy isses.

?arissa $as as nresponsive as sal ga6ing do$n at her hands in her lap. Annie sddenly $ished she had

a hairbrsh so she cold brsh ?arissas so%t! $hite hair li#e she sed to brsh her mothers hair $hen she $as

a child. -t $old probably %eel good and ?arissa might notice on some level.

Annie ent$ined her arm $ith ?arissas and grasped her cold hand in her o$n.

)=o need anything! Annie9* elores as#ed! almost a challenge.

)- heard that ,aroline "aynor is bac#. -s that tre9* Annie as#ed. )-s she on the third %loor9*

)- believe ,areoline is bac#!* elores replied! )bt - dont #no$ i% or $hen shell be ready to come bac#

do$n here. 'er stro#e $as pretty severe.*



2B1

Annie %elt a pric# o% conscience $hen she reali6ed that this in%ormation pleased her. Sorry" Lord" she

thoght silently.

)Anything else yo need9* elores as#ed brs5ely.

)-t sonds li#e* the adience shoted in the bac#grond.

)=o #no$ $hat -d li#e! ee!* Annie replied! giving the attendant $hat she hoped $as a %riendly smile.

)Annie! -m not going to pt these %ol#s throgh a vote all the time!* elores chided her. )?ost o% them are

per%ectly happy $atching this sho$. ?aority rles.*

)Gariety is the spice o% li%e!* Annie 5ipped in reply.

)?aybe so!* elores conceded! )bt yove never even come close to $inning the vote. /hat %irst time it

$as one to one! o#ay! bt every time since then at least one other person has voted $ith ?arion! sometimes

more than one. =ore st $histling in the $ind.*

)-ve got nothing else to do! ee!* Annie replied! ga6ing at her levelly.

elores $as silent a moment. /hen she sighed. )7#ay! o#ay Annie!* she said! sha#ing her head. )8ell try



2B2

it again.*

Annie clasped ?arissas hand more %irmly as elores $al#ed p to the %ront o% the room. (he #ne$

elores $as right she had never managed to decisively beat ?arion @ordan. ;t maybe today $old be the

day. ?aybe shed get lc#y.

elores clapped her hands and then ga6ed arond the room at the residents to gage i% she had gotten

anyones attention. )7#ay! %ol#s! $ere going to have a vote here. "aise yor hand i% yo $ant to #eep $atching

It Sounds Like.*

?arion @ordans hand $as the %irst one p! as sal. )(tay do$n! stay do$n!* Annie mttered! ga6ing

arond the grop in %ront o% her. (hoot! another hand $ent p to$ard the le%t! a man Annie remembered

becase he $as al$ays shoving his co%%ee cp at every attendant that came by dring meals. /hen another hand

$ent p t$o ro$s in %ront o% Annie. %hree! (hed never be able to overcome three votes.

)?arissa! - need yo no$ girl! - need yo to raise yor hand!* Annie instrcted her %riend. ?arissa

contined to stare at her lap.

)8ho $ants to $atch something else9* elores as#ed in a lod voice. )-% yo $ant to $atch something

else! raise yor hand.*

Annie simltaneosly removed her le%t hand %rom ?arissas and raised her right hand. (he $aved her hand



2B3

arond a little li#e a child $anting the teacher to call on her in school. ),ome on ?arissa!* she rged! )do $hat

-m doing. "aise yor arm ,ome on! yo can do it "aise yor arm*

?arissa did not respond. Annie loo#ed p and scanned the room. Do one had oined her in trying to de%eat

?arions monopoly on entertainment. Do one ever did.

)oesnt anyone $ant to $atch something else9* elores as#ed at the %ront o% the room. )=ove all been

$atching this sho$ %or ages. oesnt anyone $ant to see $hat else is on9*

Annie coldnt believe her ears. elores $as trying to help her

)/heres all #inds o% programs on other channels right no$ ne$s! drama! comedy!* elores stated!

ennciating each option lodly and clearly. )=o all really $ant to $atch an overaged mime acting things ot

all day9 ,ome on no$C raise yor hand i% yo $ant to see something else.*

elores pased and scanned the room slo$ly $ith her eyes $ith a slight sco$l on her %ace. Althogh

Annie oined her in ga6ing intently arond the room! no other hands $ere raised. 'er o$n arm ached %rom

having been p - the air %or so long and it $as a real e%%ort to #eep it vertical.

)7#ay! then!* elores eventally said! $ith disgst. )8ell leave things as they are.* (he $al#ed o%% in the

direction o% the brea# room.



2B+

)/hats o#ay! ?arissa!* Annie said! %eeling better than sal at her de%eat. At least elores had given it a

good try this time. Annie reclaimed ?arissas right hand $ith her le%t. (he implsively reached over $ith her

other hand and patted the top o% ?arissas hand $ith that one %or good measre.

(omething in ?arissas demeanor changed. 'er head moved! maybe st a %raction o% an inch! in Annies

direction. ;t a%ter all the time Annie had spent trying to elicit some response %rom her she didnt %ail to notice

even this minte change.

8hat had engaged ?arissas attention9 Annie removed her right hand and ?arissas ga6e reverted

decisively to her lap. Annie broght her right hand bac# and replaced in on ?arissas hand. ?arissas ga6e

reverted to Annies hand. /he ring /he amethyst and topa6 ring /he colors re%lecting o%% the stones mst have

caght ?arissas attention.

)-snt it pretty9* Annie cooed in ?arissas ear! moving her %inger slightly to ma#e the stones spar#le.

)Pretty ble and prple stones. =o li#e it! ?arissa9*

/he ring contined to captre some attention %rom ?arissa bt she made no other reply.

Annie raised her hand $ith the ring on it slo$ly to see i% ?arissa $old %ollo$ it. ;t $hen it had moved

only an inch or so ?arissas ga6e reverted to her lap. -t $asnt mch o% a response! bt it $as something. ?aybe

something Annie cold bild on.



2B4

(he spent the net hal%hor $or#ing $ith ?arissa bt a%ter a short time the ring seemed to have lost its

po$er to entice her and Annies arm $as aching li#e cra6y %rom her e%%orts. )?aybe -m trying too hard! too

%ast!* she conceded. )/hats enogh %or today! ?arissa!* she added! patting the $omans hand.

)Little $ord* shoted the adience. ;t Annie loo#ed at the prple and ble re%lections %rom the stones in

her ring and %elt rene$ed hope. (ometimes little $ords gre$ into big statements.



2B:

,hapter 2:

Annie sat in the #itchen in the dar#! %eeling %oolish.

(he coldnt manage to trn the light on. (he had seen Adrey and her %amily do it at least a do6en times

since theyd broght her home. All they $old do $as give a slight $ave o% their hand %rom any$here in the

room and it $old trigger some sensor that atomatically trned on the light! the more intense the $ave! the

brighter the light. Annie had stood in the door$ay and $aved her arms li#e a semaphore %lagger ntil they had

lost sensation bt nothing had happened.

(he $as having troble sleeping in the gest room. (he had to admit she missed the dim glo$ o% the (hady

7a# Lane apartment that srronded her at the matration center. And $hile she had al$ays resented the

intrsion on her privacy! she missed #no$ing there $as a sta%% member #eeping a $atch%l eye on her visally

$hile also monitoring her vital signs on their instrment panel. /re! she had a portable Presence Essence

machine to replicate the environment o% the matration center! bt she resented it no less here in Adreys home

than she did at the center. 'er mind #ne$ %ll $ell she $as all alone. Lying in Adreys gest room she %elt

vlnerable. /here $as no one to tell her $hen her optimal voiding period $as approaching and she had to $ear

incontinence pads that made her %eel li#e she $as in diapers.

And it $as cold. /here $as governmenten%orced energy rationing and it $as Dovember. Adrey had given

her a thermal )cocoon* it $as sort o% the modern e5ivalent o% an old%ashioned electric blan#et ecept that it

$as designed to encase the entire body. Annie re%sed to cra$l into it %ar enogh to cover her head! a%raid o%



2B<

s%%ocation. Every time she rolled over and her chee# hit the pillo$case it $as li#e pressing her %ace against a

cold $ashcloth. (he $as nable to sleep.

-t $as the night be%ore /han#sgiving. /im had come to the matration center that morning to pic# her p

and bring her home %or the holiday. /he t$o o% them had rarely been alone together and it had been a rather

ncom%ortable ride %or Annie trying to thin# o% topics she cold discss $ith her soninla$. (he cold al$ays

say anything that came to mind arond Adrey or almost anything bt $ith /im she had needed to consider

$hether the sbect $ere appropriate be%ore she had opened her moth.

/im! ho$ever! hadnt appeared to be ncom%ortable $ith Annie. )-t mst be nice to get ot %or a change!*

/im had remar#ed as the car had 6oomed do$n the high$ay. /he speed o% cars these days terri%ied Annie bt it

mst be sa%e. /here $ere sensors all arond! monitoring and controlling things. )o yo ever get to go otside

at the home9*

/im persisted in calling the matration center )the home*. Dot that Annie minded bt it $as an old

%ashioned phrase. 'er %ather had spent his last months in a home. -t had been a blea#! astere place that smelled

li#e rine. )(ometimes they retract the ceiling in the observation modle $hen the $eather is nice!* Annie had

replied. 7% corse she sspected this $as st an illsion bt the heat o% the )sn* %elt so good on her $ithered

s#in.

(he #ne$ at least that the snshine she had spied throgh the dar#ened $indo$s o% /ims car $as the real

thing. (he hadnt been able to %eel anything %rom it thoghC the glass %iltered ot the IG rays.



2BB

)Adrey has had the oven going almost nonstop the last cople o% days! ba#ing pies and coo#ies and

sch!* /im had in%ormed her.

Annie had been mildly srprised at this revelation. Adrey had never been mch %or ba#ing. )(he sholdnt

have gone to so mch troble!* Annie had remar#ed.

)7h! it $asnt mch troble $e got a ;a#ingEase attachment %or the oven!* /im had eplained. )All

she has to do is choose a recipe and the oven does the rest. -t came $ith do6ens o% recipes %or everything %rom

pdding to ,repes (6ette and everything in bet$een. -t has access to the ingredients in the re%rigerator and the

nearest cabinet. 7% corse! she did ta#e the time to program in yor %amily recipes %or pmp#in pies and rolled

coo#ies. ;t the rest $as easy.*

/hey had sampled the pie a%ter dinner that evening. Annie had had to admit it tasted st li#e the pies she

sed to ma#e bt she still thoght it $old have been nicer to sit $ith Adrey $hile she made the pies by hand.

/hey cold have had a nice chat.

/here had not been mch chatting dring her visit so %ar. Adrey $as $or#ing on some important proect

%or $or# and had been distracted ever since she had come home. (ara $as 5iet and tense and had gone to her

room shortly a%ter dinner. @eremy had spent the evening playing some nseen game in his room. Annie had

spotted him each time shed $al#ed do$n the hall to the bathroom! rolling those balls in his hand. /im had

trned on some modern holiday movie on the $all monitor in the %amily room and started $atching it $ith



2B>

Annie bt then his %amily had called %rom ,ali%ornia and he had le%t the room not to retrn ntil the movie $as

almost over.

Annie %elt more li#e an intrder than a gest in Adreys hose. -ronically! as she thoght abot this in the

dar# #itchen that night! the alarmbot rolled into the room and silently scanned her. (he %elt this small

contraption $as aptly named since it startled and alarmed her every time she sa$ it approaching. -t $as li#e

having a small animal in the hose $ithot the $armth or %riendliness. 8hen a ne$ #id %rom @eremys school

had stopped by brie%ly that a%ternoon and the %amily had %orgotten to add him to the alarmbots database! the

shrie#ing noise that had emanated %rom the metal sphere had been nbelievable Annie #ne$ she $as

programmed into the things memory bt she still $orried that it might mal%nction and assalt her eardrms

again.

)'ere! alarmbot!* Annie cooed at it! ptting ot a 5ivering hand. ),ome here! ;ottie* ;t the obect

had tired o% her and rolled ot o% the room to chec# %or other! more threatening! li%e %orms.

Annie $as thirsty. (he rose and padded over to the re%rigerated nit.

-t $as not li#e the re%rigerators she had #no$n in her day. /he re%rigerators Annie had o$ned re5ired yo

to open the door to get access to the items inside. Adreys re%rigerator had a toch screen yo sed to choose

the items yo $anted and di%%erent si6ed doors that $old pop open to allo$ these items to eit %or yor se

reslting in minimal loss o% cold air and conserving energy. Annie po#ed arond at the screen ntil she

managed to convey her desire %or some #ind o% ice in a pitcher. -n moments the pitcher lrched ot o% the



2>0

re%rigerated nit. -t $as decidedly s5are and %tristic loo#ing.

Annie grabbed it and padded bac# to the table $here she deposited the pitcher be%ore going over to the

cabinets in search o% a glass. /he cabinets did not appear to have handles and Annie $as not able to bdge them

manally. /hin#ing there mst be some motion that they $old respond to! she spent several mintes ma#ing

imaginative gestres at the nonresponsive cabinet doors! li#e a demented condctor. /he cabinet doors did not

openC ho$ever! a light some$here in the recesses o% the ceiling sddenly began to glo$ dimly. (he $as

encoraged by this development and $aved at the cabinets more enthsiastically. (everal mintes later! $inded

%rom her e%%orts! she $as abot to give p and go bac# to bed thirsty $hen she noticed a glass on the conter

that someone had le%t ot. -t appeared to be clean.

Annie broght the glass bac# to the table and sat do$n. (he li%ted the pitcher bt then reali6ed that the

s5arish thing did not have any spot that she cold identi%y. /he sides o% the cbeshaped obect appeared to

be smooth glass. /he cover on top had no opening st a ronded indentation in the center. Annie tried to

remove the top bt it seemed to be permanently monted to the pitcher. (he eperimented $ith ta#ing the glass

and placing it pside do$n on the circlar indentation. (till nothing happened. (he pt her hand on the bottom

o% the glass and pressed it do$n slightly. (ddenly ice $elled p in the glass li#e a volcano erpting. Annie

stared at the rising cranberrycolored tide. 8hat $as she spposed to do9 -% she li%ted the glass the li5id $old

spill all over the table. -% she le%t the glass in place! it $old soon be %ll and the pressre might dislodge the

glass and case the same reslt.

(he let go o% the glass %or a split second. /he prsh o% the ice seemed to stop. ;t $hat shold she do



2>1

no$9 -% she moved the glass in any $ay there $old be a resltant mess.

"eali6ing that there $as no $ay she $as going to get to drin# the ice! Annie eventally decided to leave

the pitcher and glass on the table and go bac# to bed. (he $as sddenly so tired she thoght she $old be able

to get some sleep. (he %elt de%eated as she $al#ed ot o% the room. 'ere she $anted to sho$ Adrey and her

%amily that she $old be no troble and she coldnt even manage to get hersel% something to drin# (rely she

$asnt too old to learn the mysteries o% all the ne$ technology.

(he trned bac#. /he glass and pitcher $aited %or her innocently on the table. 'o$ to get the glass o%

ice9 (rely it $as st a matter o% gravity. (he had to invert the glass and pitcher and then she cold remove

the pitcher and drin# the contents o% the glass.

In%ortnately! the pitcher $as a$#$ard and rather heavy. As Annie held the glass $ith one hand and tried

to tip the pitcher $ith the other the imprecise seal bet$een the t$o $as breached and the ice spilled over the

hitherto clean table sr%ace li#e a pool o% blood. /hen Annie lost her grip on the pitcher itsel% and it %ell to the

table $ith a lod thd! emitting more ice.

Annie %elt li#e an anios child $ho had done something $rong. (he had to clean p the mess and cover

her trac#s! bt there $ere no paper to$els or a dish to$el any$here. 'o$ in the $orld did they clean in this

place9

/he alarmbot rolled into the room and stayed st inside the door$ay %or several mintes as i% assessing



2>2

the damage. Annie $as a%raid it might start emitting that shrie#ing sond maybe it $as programmed to detect

a $ide variety o% problems and not st intrders. ;t the shiny metallic ball st sat there! vibrating slightly

%rom $hatever sorce po$ered it.

);ottie9* Annie as#ed! 5ietly! )=o got any %riends9 -s there a cleaningbot hiding arond here

some$here9*

/he ball made no response.

As the ice %inally made its $ay to the edge o% the table and started dripping do$n onto the %loor! Annie

headed do$n the hall$ay. /here $ere to$els in the bathroom! $erent there9 (he remembered $ashing her

hands earlier ergo there mst be to$els.

;t $hen she entered the bathroom! $hich than#%lly had a light sensor that atomatically engaged as she

$al#ed in! she sa$ that there $ere no to$els. (he remembered then that Adrey had sho$n her ho$ to dry her

hands $ith a gadget monted to the $all. )-t saves energy!* she had said. )Less landry to do.*

/here $as nothing she cold do bt go bac# to the gest bedroom and lie do$n again. /he pillo$ seemed

colder than ever. ?aybe she shold st immerse hersel% completely in the cocoon. Adrey had assred her it

$as all right! something abot the special %ibers allo$ing oygen to enter $hile #eeping ot the cold. ;esides!

i% she s%%ocated dring the night she $oldnt have to %ace the embarrassment in the morning $hen the mess

she had le%t in the #itchen $as discovered. Annie said a 5ic# prayer and slid %rther do$n ntil she $as



2>3

completely encased in the thermal cocoon. (he almost immediately started to %eel $arm and com%ortable. (he

shold have done this hors ago /hen she $old have gotten some sleep and $old never have spilled the

ice in the #itchen.

(he $as still thirsty.

(he mst have slept becase $hen she reali6ed she needed to void and slid her head bac# ot %rom the

recesses o% the cocoon the room $as bathed in dim! early morning light. (he made her $ay to the bathroom!

relieved to %ind that her adlt diaper $as still dry %or a change. (he cold hear voices and #ne$ that her mess

%rom the previos night mst have been discovered. (he $asnt ready to %ace her %amily st yet. (he at least

$anted to change her clothes and comb her hair so they $oldnt thin# she $as completely helpless.

(he $ent bac# to the gest room. Annie $as so sed to $earing the go$ns provided by the matration

center that she $as over$helmed by the choices that a$aited her $hen she opened the old%ashioned closet

door. -t had been so long since she had seen most o% her clothes that she %elt as i% she had opened a closet

belonging to some stranger. 8hen she had %inally chosen a pair o% slac#s and a top to $ear she #ept second

gessing $hether they matched! she a %ormer interior decorator (rely there $as nothing $rong in pairing

mango $ith tangerine9 /hey $or#ed in %rit salad.

(he didnt bother to change her nder$ear a%ter all! she $as $earing a nonsoiled incontinence pad. (he

attached dresser chains to the $aistband o% the pants! laid the pants on the %loor and gingerly stepped into them.

/he dresser chains activated and slo$ly )cra$led* p her legs li#e %or identical slithering sna#es. 7nce the



2>+

pants $ere p she disengaged the chains and attached them to the nec#band and sleeves o% her top. (he placed

the top over her head $ith her arms in the sleeve openings. /$o chains traveled do$n her head slo$ly! tgging

the some$hat sng top over her hair and stopping $hen the nec#band rested arond her nec#. /he other t$o

sln# do$n her arms then her nderarms and sides ntil the rest o% the top $as in place. (tanding still $ith her

arms etended so long broght on a sdden spell o% di66iness. ;y cltching onto the edge o% the bed she $as

able to ride it ot. /hen she inepertly ran a brsh throgh her %l%%y! thin hair $hile appraising her appearance

in the mirror above the dresser. 'er hair $as becoming increasingly t$otoned as the honeyblonde portion that

had been dyed %or ?itchs party gre$ ot and ne$! yello$y$hite hair came in by the roots. (he coldnt decide

$hether she $anted to bother #eeping it dyed or not.

/hese ne$ 3dimensional mirrors $ere creepy to Annie. (he had gone throgh her long li%e $ithot

eperiencing her appearance as others did in three dimensions and she $old have been content to have never

eperienced it. (omething abot the technology rendered the obect vie$ed as a sort o% metallic gray. -t seemed

less li#e her o$n re%lection as it did some haggard $raith trapped in the glass! straining to escape.

8hen she had done all she cold to ma#e hersel% presentable Annie trned to$ard the door. ;e%ore she

cold set hersel% in motion! the door opened tentatively and (ara peered arond the edge. )Dana9 Are yo p9*

Even so early in the day her granddaghter loo#ed tired and had dar# circles nder her big bro$n eyes as i% she

had spent a sleepless night. (rely she had a cocoon in her room to snggle p in9

)-m a$a#e! s$eetheart!* Annie trilled! and began heading %or the door. (he assmed they had sent (ara to

collect her %or brea#%ast.



2>4

;t (ara came into the room and 5ietly sht the door behind her. )Dana! can $e tal# a little9*

Annie had been loo#ing %or$ard to some ice. (he $as still thirsty %rom the previos night the inside o%

her moth %elt li#e dry cotton. ;t she pt these thoght a$ay %or (aras sa#e. )(re! s$eetie!* she replied!

)'ave a seat.*

(ara moved to Annies bed and plopped do$n. Annie lo$ered hersel% as care%lly as she cold into a hard

chair that Adrey had pt in the room speci%ically %or her. -t $as easier %or her to get p and do$n %rom it than

%rom the pholstered chair in the corner by the $indo$.

)8hats p9* Annie as#ed $hen (ara did not begin to spea# right a$ay. (he $as staring do$n at her lap

reminding Annie o% ?arissa. ?arissa $as probably at the matration center not having mch o% a /han#sgiving

$ee#end. Annie $ondered i% ?arissa $ere capable o% missing her at some level o% consciosness.

)-ve been $anting to tal# to yo! Dana!* (ara said. );t - dont $ant mother to #no$. ,an yo #eep or

conversation a secret9* (he loo#ed p at Annie hope%lly.

)7% corse! honey!* Annie assred her. Annie li#ed the notion o% #eeping secrets. -n actal practice she

$asnt absoltely certain she $old remember having made the promise later bt by then she might have

%orgotten the conversation itsel%! any$ay. )8hat is it9*



2>:

)-ts... $hat $as that9* (ara as#ed! mping as the portable Presence Essence machine activated near the

side o% the bed. /he portable version lac#ed hmanli#e attribtes and resembled a small hmidi%ier.

)-gnore it! honey!* Annie instrcted. )-ts st a %ancy room deodori6er.*

)- cold have s$orn someone $as here* (ara eclaimed. )- smell per%me. 'o$ $eird*

)8hat did yo $ant to tal# abot! honey9* Annie prompted her. (he didnt $ant to get involved in a

discssion abot that ridiclos contraption. (he had been mi%%ed $hen the center had insisted she bring the

portable device $ith her. Adrey had insisted on plgging it in and Annie had eventally given in %or the sa#e

o% peace.

)-ts ,olin! Dana!* (ara contined! adding 5ic#ly as i% to avoid con%sion! )my boy%riend.*

)=es! - #no$!* Annie replied #no$ingly! )the laser baseball gy.*

)/hats right!* (ara a%%irmed. )(ee! ,olin is pressring me to do things - #no$ - sholdnt be doing!

becase -m st too yong! yo #no$9 And its dangerosC $e cold get into big troble. -t cold rin or lives!

really.*

-n spite o% concentrating as hard as she cold! Annie $as already having troble %ollo$ing (aras train o%

thoght. )8hat does he $ant yo to do9* she as#ed! naively. (he remembered the #inds o% things that had



2><

gone on $hen she $as a yong teen. )oes he $ant yo to shopli%t9 (ara! yo shold never ta#e anything that

isnt yors*

(ara sighed and grabbed Annies pillo$! hgging it to her body. )Do! Dana! thats not $hat - mean. 'e

$ants s to do the #ind o% things men and $omen do together !* she eplained so%tly! #eeping a $atch%l eye on

the door to the hall$ay.

%he things men and women do together" Annie rminated. )(e* she sddenly blrted! casing (ara to

mp o%% the bed still cltching the pillo$.

)(hh Dot so lod! Dana!* (ara hissed. )- dont $ant mother to #no$. (he $old %orbid me to see ,olin

anymore and - coldnt bear it*

Annie ga6ed at her granddaghter in alarm. (e9 (ara9 (he $as still only a child! a slip o% a girl. 'o$ had

she $andered ot so %ar into deep $ater already9

)(it bac# do$n! (ara!* she directed 5ietly. (ara obeyed! sitating hersel% bac# pon the bed $ith her long

legs %olded beneath her! contining to hg the pillo$. /o Annie the pillo$ her granddaghter cltched so

possessively represented ,olin. (he became determined to get (ara to relin5ish it.

(ara sat loo#ing at her epectantly.



2>B

Annie hated being pt in this position. (he had done her parenting! had %inished raising her daghter %or

better or $orse and epected that part o% her li%e to be over $ith. -n many $ays her daghter $as more o% a

parent to her no$ than she $as a parent to her daghter. Adrey constantly con%erred $ith Annies doctors and

the administration at 8interhaven abot her care. (he had made the decisions and arrangements concerning the

disposition o% Annies hose. (he #ne$ more abot Annies bsiness than Annie did.

;t Annie loved her granddaghter so mch that (aras agony over this boy ,olin $as casing her empty

stomach to #not.

)(ara! yo dont #no$ no$ $hat all is involved in a physical relationship $ith a man!* Annie remar#ed!

sadly.

(ara %idgeted. )8ell! - do #no$! Dana. ,olin and - have tal#ed abot it! a lot. -ts al$ays on his mind.*

)'as ,olin ever had se $ith anyone be%ore9* Annie as#ed blntly.

)Do... ;t hes got %riends $ho have! and ,olin %ond this old boo# $ith pictres and everything that sed

to belong to his dad!* (ara replied. )(o $e #no$ all abot it.*

Annie shoo# her head. 8here in the $orld $as Adrey $hen these #ids $ere having these learning

sessions9 )Listen (ara! #no$ing abot the physical act itsel% is nothing. -ts mch more involved than that. Do

matter ho$ mch yo thin# yo love this ,olin no$ the t$o o% yo are incredibly yong. /heres almost no



2>>

chance that yo and he $ill still be together $hen yore old enogh to $ant to get married and start a %amily.

=oll both change and dri%t apart! or maybe one o% yo $ill move! or maybe yoll reali6e some day that hes

st not right %or yo li#e yo decided being a veterinarian $as not right %or yo.*

(ara $as doggedly sha#ing her head! still cltching the pillo$ to her chest. );t ,olin means so mch to

me - cant imagine ever $anting anyone else.*

)/hats the deception o% yoth!* Annie replied. )Everything seems so intense the %irst time yo enconter

it. =o have no eperience to compare it to. -ts thrilling $hen ,olin holds yo in his arms and #isses yo. 'ave

yo ever been #issed that $ay by anyone else9*

)8ell! no!* (ara admitted.

Annie $as relieved to hear this reply her argment cold have been on sha#y grond i% it had trned ot

(ara $as more eperienced than she had imagined. )Do! yo havent!* she repeated. )And as hard as it may be

%or yo to believe there are a great many boys $ho cold #iss yo and give yo the same intense %eelings. Part

o% it is st the e%%ect males and %emales have on each other. 'ormones.*

)/his is more than that!* (ara replied! obstinately. ),olin and - love each other*

)8hat do yo tal# abot! other than se9* Annie as#ed. )8hat do yo li#e to do together9*



300

)- go to ,olins laserball games!* (ara replied! )and his trac# events. - help him $ith his English

home$or# hes absoltely hopeless in English 'e calls me on the phone $henever he has a rn in $ith his

step%ather. /hey dont get along at all.*

;o wonder Sara is so stuck on this boy! Annie thoght! he sounds like a hel#less" stray #u##y. )-t seems to

me that this relationship is centered arond ,olin!* Annie remar#ed. )- sppose it ma#es yo %eel needed.*

)-t ma#es me %eel loved !* (ara insisted. ),olin loves me and - love him. And he says its time %or s to ta#e

or relationship to the net level. 'e says i% or relationship doesnt contine to gro$ that it $ill eventally

$ither and die.*

Annie sat a moment lost in thoght. /his boy sonded li#e a smooth tal#er! ho$ cold she convince (ara

not to listen to him9 ?ore importantly is that $hat she shold be convincing (ara to do9 8as the most

important isse here really preserving (aras virginity9 (he coldnt pt her %inger on it at %irst bt there $as

some deeper isse here that needed to be addressed! something %rther reaching.

(he decided her best tactic $as to get more in%ormation $hile she thoght abot $hat she really $anted to

convey to her granddaghter. )(o $hy havent yo given in and done $hat ,olin $ants yo to do9 -s it st %ear

o% the n#no$n or do yo really not $ant to do it9*

(ara! still cltching the pillo$ tightly! roc#ed agitatedly on the bed $hile avoiding Annies ga6e. )8ell! -

sppose - am a bit a%raid. - mean - #no$ it can be pain%l the %irst time and all. ;t its more than that. - st... -



301

$ant to not do it more than - $ant to do it! - gess.*

)/hen thats yor ans$er!* Annie stated decisively! )tell the boy no.*

(ara loo#ed Annie in the eye no$. (he loo#ed %rightened and her eyes $ere shining as i% they $ere a$ash

$ith tears. );t -ll lose him! Dana 'es so gorgeosC some other girl $hos more $illing $ill ta#e him a$ay

%rom me.*

)(ara! this is not a competition!* Annie chided her. )8hats the point in $inning the pri6e i% the pri6e

$asnt $hat yo $anted in the %irst place9 -ts a bad habit ptting someone else at the center o% yor li%e and

ma#ing it yor goal to al$ays please them. -t $ill never ma#e yo happy.*

)-s that $hat yo did! Dana9 id yo spend yor li%e trying to please someone9* (ara as#ed.

Annie thoght abot the 5estion %or a moment. (he thoght abot her li%e $ith ?i#e! all the years they

had spent together in tension and near silence. )- $as cleverer than that! (ara!* she eventally replied! her voice

thin and tired. )- spent my li%e pnishing someone %or not living p to my epectations. -n the process -

managed to pnish mysel% most o% all. -t st goes to sho$ that i% yo spend yor li%e reacting to someone else

yo $ont ma#e either one o% yo happy. =o need to be centered in yorsel%.* (he raised a 5ivering %ist and

pressed it against her bony chest roghly $here she thoght her ailing heart mst be. )=o have to be the

person &od made yo to be.*



302

);t $hat can - do9* (ara as#ed! her eyes still bathed in nshed tears. )- cant brea# p $ith ,olin. -t

$old be li#e shattering my o$n heart $ith a hammer.*

)Everything doesnt have to be so blac# or $hite!* Annie said. ( Do one is saying yo need to brea# p $ith

him. @st step bac#. Let the intensity o% the relationship cool do$n a bit. ,ontine to see him bt avoid those

sitations that ma#e yo ncom%ortable. -% the relationship is strong enogh to last! it $ill. ;t yo need to

%ocs on yorsel% more! $hat yo $ant and $ho yo are. /he best $ay to have a good relationship $ith

someone else is to trly #no$ yorsel%. And -m here i% yo need me! s$eetheart!* Annie added! reaching ot

her arms to$ard her granddaghter.

(ara opened her arms and allo$ed the pillo$ to %all onto the bed. (he rose and came over to Annies chair.

(he #neeled do$n on the %loor and slo$ly $rapped Annie in a %irm hg. Annie hgged her bac# $ith all the

strength she cold mster. (he enoyed this physical contact $ith her granddaghter! the %resh %lo$ery scent o%

her hair! the %irm bt gentle pressre o% her strong yong arms arond Annies sholders and torso. (he nearly

cried %rom the intensity o% her love %or her granddaghter at that moment.

Annie sensed rather than heard the bedroom door open! li#e a change in air pressre. -t came %rom a

di%%erent direction than that o% the portable Presence Essence machine net to the bed.

)/ime %or brea#%ast!* Adrey annonced %rom the door$ay. (he loo#ed almost girlish! $earing a color%l

tshirt and s$eat pants $ith her hair bac# in a %ro$6y ponytail. )/here yo are! (ara Everything is ready.*



303

(ara rose! ta#ing a moment to $ipe her eyes be%ore trning to$ard her mother. Annie did her part to

distract Adreys attention.

)(ara $as st commiserating $ith me!* Annie annonced! grasping the arms o% the $ooden chair and

propelling hersel% p$ard. )- %eel a$%l abot that spill in the #itchen last night. /hat pitcher is a %iendish

contraption* /he emotions engendered by her tal# $ith (ara $ere still near the sr%ace and Annie %ond her

voice crac#ing at the thoght o% the problems shed %aced the night be%ore.

)-ts no big deal! mom!* Adrey replied. )/im cleaned it p. -ll sho$ yo ho$ the hermetic seal on the

pitcher $or#s later.*

Annie thoght abot the #itchen lights! and not being able to open the cabinets! and not #no$ing ho$ to

clean things p it had all made her %eel so helpless. )- dont thin# yo cold ever teach me ho$ everything

$or#s arond here!* she commented morosely! cho#ing on a sob. )- %eel li#e an alien %rom another planet.* -t

$as tre. -t seemed li#e the $orld she had come %rom $as in some other galay lightyears a$ay.

(ara gave Annie another hg. )ont $orry! Dana!* she said! her voice thic# $ith emotion! )-% yo need

anything -ll help yo.*

Adrey sighed and came %or$ard to pt her arms arond the t$o o% them. )-m not sre $hat this is all

abot! bt - love yo both!* she said.



304

/he smell o% %reshly bre$ed co%%ee mied $ith the aroma o% apple crmb pie ba#ing in the oven! the sond

o% heavy $ooden chairs scraping on the $ell$orn par5et %loor as patrons came and $ent! the rstling o%

ne$spapers and mrmr o% voices! the vie$ otside the $indo$ o% people and atomobiles bstling p and

do$n ?ain (treet partially bloc#ed by the bac#$ard red letters painted on the $indo$ that read )(nrise ,a%e

)the right $ay arond.

I started going to the cafe a year or two after I retired. I had moved out of that big" sterile house ike and

I had lived in a year or so after he #assed away into a small two bedroom home near the center of town. I

gradually became familiar with the neighborhood. ne day I ha##ened u#on the cafe. I discovered they carried

my favorite ty#e of tea" 4nglish ,reakfast. %he Sunrise Cafe was just the ty#e of old-fashioned neighborhood

diner that my family had fre&uented when I was young. I liked the laid-back atmos#here. I could just sit by the

window for hours watching civili'ation flow by while nibbling occasionally on a #iece of #ie or si##ing from a

bottomless cu# of tea.

8ithot the aid o% (ophia! Annie had to rely on her o$n senses to provide a mental pictre to accompany

her narrative. (itting $ith her eyes closed! Annie cold imagine the $ooden table be%ore her at the diner! maple

in color! $ith an everpresent! thic# $hite co%%ee mg pon it. Annie dran# her tea $ith cream as the English do

so the tea inside the cp $as more beige than bro$n. As she pictred the table her other senses came into play.

(he imagined she cold hear the sond o% the tra%%ic going past on ?ain (treet! the occasional cln# o% dishes

on tabletops as an entree $as being delivered! the mrmr o% other patrons voices. Det to contribte $as

Annies sense o% smell. (he cold remember the tantali6ing aroma o% comingling apples and cinnamon %rom



30:

the diners signatre apple crmb pie! heated slightly and topped $ith a melting mond o% rich vanilla ice

cream.

Annie sddenly reali6ed that real memories beat Li%evie$er reminiscences hands do$n as %ar as

completeness $as concerned. /he administration at the matration preserve $old probably love to incorporate

sond into the residents Li%evie$er recordings i% they cold bt Annie spposed certain smells might prove to

be o%%ensive.

%here was one waitress at the diner" 5oris" that became &uite familiar to me. She had thick" full hair an

e&ual mi of black and gray that she wore #ulled back into an unruly #onytail. *er dark" sunken eyes were

framed by a #air of old-fashioned wire-rimmed glasses. *er nose was a bit #ointy as if to balance out her

#rominent chin. She was the talkative ty#e and after I had been coming to the diner for a while she started

sitting near me during her break and regaling me with whatever thoughts came to her mind. I wasnt too ha##y

about it at first" #ri'ing my solitude" but I &uickly reali'ed she had some interesting things to say and she didnt

demand anything in return but a modicum of attention. I eventually found myself o#ening u# a bit and re#lying

to some of her comments. y relationshi# with 5oris never &uite blossomed into an outright friendshi#" but she

became the closest ac&uaintance I had had in many years.

I am glad this #articular memory is not being stored in the memorycorder for #er#etuity. It would make me

uncomfortable knowing that $udrey would find out one day how I really came to break my hi# at the diner" all

due to the foolish notion that I wasnt too old to find romance.



30<

6or some reason I cant now recall" on one occasion 5oris and I shared memories about the best

relationshi#s we had each had with members of the o##osite se. I remember that her former husband was an

over-the-road trucker and she told me it was like having a honeymoon every few weeks when he returned home

after a #rolonged absence. I confided in her about my relationshi# with Shane and" thinking about Sonny as

well" my general #enchant for musicians.

(7ou like musicians" hmm/) 5oris asked. (%heres a guy who comes in here #retty regularly for lunch who

was in a band in the Es. *e showed me a #icture of himself back then. *e looked #retty good8 long wavy hair"

slight mustache" warm eyes. f course hes an old man now" must be about our age.) 5oris had to have been at

least BE years younger than I" so she was being gracious with that remark. (,ut hes still not bad looking. I

could introduce you if youd like.)

(;o" oh no") I re#lied automatically. I had no interest in meeting a man at that time of my life. $nd I didnt

have any illusions that any man would be too interested in meeting what was left of me.

(Seans become an artist since he retired") 5oris continued. (5idnt you say you were interested in art/)

((ean/) I re#eated. (*is name is (ean/)

(7eah" thats right") 5oris re#lied. (*e usually comes in at least a cou#le of times a week. I can let you

know the net time he shows u#.)



30B

I must admit that at the time the similarity of the mans name to Shanes seemed like a sort of a sign to me.

$ former musician and an artist! $ man with both Shanes interest and mine. aybe this was a second chance

at finding true ha##iness.

(I dont know") I said aloud" still hesitant. It would be a big ste# for me and something I had never

considered since ikes #assing.(I dont know.)

(7ou think about it") 5oris re#lied. (Let me know what you decide.)

I thought about it &uite a bit over the net few days. %he more I thought about it the less farfetched it

seemed. I was still fairly healthy. I still had my wits about me. I decided I #robably wouldnt make such a bad

com#anion for some lonely" older gentleman. $nd I had to admit I was a bit lonely myself. $udrey had me over

to her house for dinner once a month and I occasionally attended a school function of Sarahs or 1eremys" but

aside from these rare events I had no one to talk to other than 5oris.

9I did not consider communication with $udrey through the @ee#well monitor as being real conversation.

$udrey used the monitor to make occasional comments or to ask a s#ecific &uestion now and then but it was

more of a (well-being check) than anything more substantive.:

I never told 5oris that I had decided I wanted to meet Sean. I intended to but every time I thought about it

I felt too embarrassed to bring it u# again. I ke#t ho#ing shed broach the subject herself but she never did.



30>

Instead as I was sitting in the diner one afternoon the following week a mans dee# voice suddenly

accosted me. ($re you $nnie/)

I had been ga'ing out of the window. I turned my head and there he was. *e was a tall man with a hawkish

nose. *is mostly gray hair was s#arse on to# but long and #ulled back into a #onytail. *is eyes were dark gray

and kind of soulful. *e was wearing a dark navy suit coat with sleeves a bit too short for his lengthy arms. %he

shirt he wore under the coat had #alm trees all over it and was o#en at the neck. *e was sort of attractive in an

aging-hi##ie kind of way. *e held out a hand toward me. (Im Sean") he said.

I reached out and shook his hand. *e had a firm gri#. (7es" Im $nnie") I said" smiling modestly. (3lease"

sit down.)

Sean #ulled out the chair o##osite to me and sat with a sort of clumsy elegance. ,efore he had a chance to

say anything else" 5oris came u# to the table. (+ould you like to order something/) she asked" beaming at us

as if enjoying her handiwork.

Sean looked at me" waiting for me to s#eak first. (Id like a #iece of that delicious #ie. $nd Ill need more

tea") I told her.

(1ust the usual" darlin") Sean #i#ed u# when I had done.

(+ill do") 5oris re#lied" smiling encouragingly at me before walking away to fill our order.



310

$fter she was gone I glanced over at my lunch com#anion. *e sat ga'ing at me unabashedly. I found

myself feeling flustered. It had been so long since I had been in a situation like that and it made me absolutely

tongue-tied.

(*ave you been coming here very long" $nnie/ I dont think I ever noticed you before") Sean remarked"

leaning back and resting his arm on the back of the chair to his right. I envied him his relaed manner.

(I sto# by most afternoons") I re#lied" avoiding his direct ga'e. (%his is my regular #ost" by the window.)

5oris brought my tea and #assed a cu# of coffee to Sean. I was relieved to have something to do with my

hands and #rolonged my tea #re#arations as long as I could. Sean #oured #rodigious amounts of sugar and

cream into his coffee cu#" nearly causing it to overflow when he stirred the contents to mi them together.

(I started drinking coffee at an early age") he e#lained after his first si#. (I couldnt tolerate the taste

without lots of cream and sugar. Ive had to have it that way ever since.)

(I see") I re#lied in acknowledgment.

+e sat and drank our beverages in relative silence until 5oris returned. She #laced a generous #iece of the

a##le crumb #ie F la mode in front of me and a small salad in front of Sean. She hugged the em#ty round tray

to her chest. (4njoy your meal") she said before leaving us alone once more.



311

(%hats all youre having/) I asked Sean. Com#aring my meal to his I was afraid I must a##ear to be a

glutton.

(Im not a big eater") Sean remarked" crumbling some crackers and s#rinkling the crumbs over his salad. I

noted that the salad seemed overly laden with a dark" orangey salad dressing.

($re you sure you can eat that/ %hey gave you too much dressing") I remarked" solicitously.

(5oris knows how I like it. I tend to like an ecess of everything") he e#lained" lifting a dri##ing forkful

of lettuce.

I concentrated on eating my #ie for a while8 that way I didnt have to come u# with small talk. n his side

of the table" Sean ate his salad slowly and deliberately with the fork in his left hand" ta##ing the back of the

chair net to him rhythmically with his right. %his reminded me of 5oris assertion that Sean had been a

musician.

(5oris told me you were in a band once") I remarked as I scra#ed my #late for the last bit of #ie filling.

*e re#lied by #ulling out an e#anding data device from his #ocket and showing me a #hotogra#h of four

young men in ty#ical sities clothing. *e #ointed to one figure and identified it as himself. It must have been

the #hotogra#h he had shown 5oris as his image matched the descri#tion she had given me.



312

(+e were together for almost BE years. ur grou# was called Psychodelic (even ") he e#lained.

I frowned at him. (+ere there three more band members not in this #icture/) I asked.

*is laugh was more of a guffaw. (%hats the kind of &uestion #eo#le were always asking us! %hey were like

*ey" where are the other three guys/ +e just liked the way the name sounded. +ell" and one of our band

mates told us Greek mathematicians considered the number seven to be #erfect. So it was kind of for good luck"

too.)

(+hat instrument did you #lay/) I asked" little reali'ing that this &uestion would #reci#itate the ti##ing

#oint in our fledgling relationshi#.

Sean reached into his #ocket and brought out a round black object roughly the si'e of a drink coaster and

#laced it on the table. %hen he reached into his coat and #roduced a short set of red sticks from an inner

#ocket. %hey a##eared to be #lastic and were more suited to a childs hands than those of an adult. Sean

wra##ed his hands around them anyway and started ta##ing on the black object with the sticks. %he object

#roduced a sound like a drum" no" more like a whole set of drums. I could hear a bass drum" a snare drum and

whatever the other drums in a set of drums were called. y first instinct was to be embarrassed but there were

few customers in the diner at the time and the noise was fairly &uiet" for drums.

(7ou were a drummer/) I asked. I had e#ected him to be a guitarist or something" but a drummer/ I



313

didnt think I even considered a drummer to be a real musician. %o me a musician was someone who #layed

notes 0 chords or melodies - not beats.

(I still am a drummer") he re#lied. (I #ractice all the time. Its a lifelong habit.)

(5id you sing at all" Sean/) I asked" ho#efully.

(7ou can call me ,oomer8 its my nickname") he re#lied. (;ah" I was never good at singing. Its kind of

hard to do when youre drumming" although some #eo#le manage to do it.) *e ke#t drumming as we talked as

if it were his natural activity and as if he were most comfortable while engaged in it.

(5id you write any of the music the band #erformed/) I #ersisted" looking for some kind of white lining in

this cloud that had suddenly overshadowed the day.

(;ah" we didnt #erform any original music") he re#lied" la#sing into a ta-da-da-da" ta-da-da-da beat on

the black disc. *e suddenly #aused for just a moment. (I take that back. +e did do one song ;ick wrote that

was an ode to the sities. It was called $cid 2ainstorm. %he man asked for my #a#ers" I told him that I ate

them" *e turned into a s#otted tree frog") Sean suddenly started crooning. (I grabbed my old ladys elbow"

She turned into a black crow" $nd disa##eared inside a thick fog.) *e was right" he couldnt carry a tune. $nd

$cid 2ainstorm was a tune that didnt deserve to be carried.

(5oris said you were an artist/) I asked loudly" attem#ting to break his train of thought and halt his



31+

miserable singing.

y #loy worked. (h" yeah. I took it u# after my second wife left") he remarked. *e #ut his sticks down on

the table and #icked u# his data device. *e toyed with it a moment and turned it toward me saying sim#ly

(here). I looked at the screen. %he artwork consisted of do'ens of brightly colored objects on a yellow

background. I touched the device and brought u# other canvases" all of which seemed to have these colorful

objects glued onto them in different #atterns and waves. %here was nothing #articularly imaginative in the

#lacement of the objects on the #anels or in the choice of colors used. %he works were com#osed of eye-

#o##ing colors #laced in seemingly random configurations.

I 'oomed in on the objects to ins#ect them more closely. ($re those... bugs/) I asked" doubtfully.

(,eetles" to be more #recise") Sean said. (I took u# entomology but found it to be boring after a while.

=ntil I thought to di# the insects in #aint! %hen it got more interesting.)

(*ave you sold any of your... artwork/) I asked" scrolling ra#idly through the screens on his device" torn

between disgust and amusement.

(Ive sold two so far") he re#lied. (ne to a childrens museum and one to a #rivate collector. $nd I had

an ehibit at the S#ring 5ale Library last fall.)

I eventually #ushed the device gently back toward Seans side of the table. $nd I had thought Sean might



314

measure u# to Shane! *e didnt even come close to my girlish estimation of Sonny. (7oure one of a kind") I

remarked wryly.

(%hank you") he res#onded" clearly taking my remark as a com#liment. (7oure okay too" $nnie.)

5oris returned to the table. (Can I get you anything else/) she asked" smiling from one to the other of us. I

could tell she ho#ed we were hitting it off well.

I suddenly wanted to bust out laughing. I had been so nervous when Sean had first a##eared at my table"

worried about the im#ression I would make. ;ow I could think of only one thing that might salvage my

afternoon. (,ring me another slice of #ie") I told 5oris im#ulsively.

(+hoa" $nnie!) Sean eclaimed. (%his first date is getting a little #ricey.)

(1ust consider us to be old friends") I re#lied" (and we can go 5utch.) %his idea seemed to a##ease him.

I regretted having ordered that second #iece of #ie. $s I ate it Sean regaled me with his drumming. It was

like listening to an endless drum solo. In other words" torture.

I finally couldnt take it anymore. I decided to find 5oris and tell her what a fiasco my lunch with Sean had

turned out to be and then sneak out of the diner.



31:

(I need to use the facilities") I told him as I rose from the table. *e barely acknowledged me with a nod"

his hands continuing their #er#etual motion.

%he diner" like most businesses at the time" used floor-cleaning machines that were s#herical in sha#e.

%hey moved slowly over the floor and cleaned and dried them before moving on so there was no water left on

the floor to cause #atrons to sli# and fall. %he devices were adorned with intricate blinking lights which gave

them the a##earance of small Christmas trees scuttling about the floor and #rovided a visual warning to those

around them. %hey also made an obnoious bee#ing sound to warn #eo#le of their #resence. %he diner often

o#erated their machine during the lull between meals. I saw the device in use immediately when I rose from the

table and began heading toward the back of the diner.

Suddenly there was ruckus behind me so loud that I instinctively turned my head toward it. (,oomer) was

drumming full bore" his arms swinging in huge arcs as he #ounded on the small black (coaster) on the table

with all his might. I was ama'ed that the tiny device could get so loud and I couldnt imagine why he had

suddenly begun whacking it with so much vigor unless he was trying to im#ress me with the sheer volume he

was ca#able of #roducing.

$lthough I had turned my head toward the racket I had continued walking toward the back of the diner.

%he net thing I knew I had tri##ed over the diligent floor cleaner and was s#rawled out on the floor. $##alled"

I attem#ted to get u#. %hats when I reali'ed something had gone terribly wrong.

%he drumming mercifully ceased. Seans face suddenly came between me and my view of the ceiling.



31<

($nnie" are you okay/) he asked" concerned.

(I cant get u#. I think I broke something") I muttered" wishing he would go away. (Get 5oris.)

($nd you were on your way to the ladies room! 5o you want me to carry you there/) he asked" starting to

collect me in his arms.

(;o!) I shrieked. ,esides the obvious #ain such a thing would involve I thought I would mostly likely die

from the embarrassment. (;o" #lease" just get 5oris.)

+hen 5oris came she immediately knelt down beside me and took my hand" her brow furrowed with worry.

I motioned for her to lean down close to me. (+hatever you do dont tell this clown what hos#ital they take me

to") I whis#ered em#hatically into her ear.

She must have listened to me because ,oomer never came to the hos#ital to visit me. 5oris came to see me

once and a#ologi'ed for inadvertently contributing to my accident by #ointing me out to the erstwhile drummer

in the first #lace. I assured her I did not blame her for it in any way. It was the last time I s#oke to 5oris8 after

I was sent to +interhaven for rehabilitation we lost touch.

If I had reali'ed as I lay on the diners freshly-cleaned floor that I would never return to my beloved home

again" I might well have welcomed ,oomers hel#. I might not only have let him take me to the ladies room but

might have even let him take me home. I would rather have died in my own bed from my broken hi# than to



31B

have ever #assed through the doors of +interhaven.

$nd I have to return there in the morning.

Annie became a$are o% some movement in the corner o% the #itchen. (he reached ot her arm! tapping her

%ingers together to attract attention. )'ere! ;ottie. ,ome here! boy*

/he silver orb glided closer bt remained a catios distance a$ay.

Annie had been on the verge o% instrcting the alarmbot to ta#e care o% Adrey and her %amily %or her bt

she reali6ed almost at once ho$ absrd an act this $old be. /he robot $as %ar too nsophisticated to

nderstand comple hman speech. (he might as $ell as# the cabinets to $atch over her %amily or as# the

#itchen lights to gide their $ay.

(he #ne$ the proper recipient %or sch petitions. )ear &od!* she prayed alod in a lo$ voice! closing her

eyes. )Please $atch over Adrey! /im! (ara and @eremy. Please #eep them sa%e and together throgh $hatever

may lie ahead. - love them all dearly /hey are my only legacy. And please gard the papers in the hope chest.

'elp them to %ind a receptive adience someday. -n @ess name! amen.*

8hen she opened her eyes she noticed that the robot orb had remained stationary at a respect%l distance

dring her prayer. ?aybe it nderstood more than she sspected Do$ that she $as throgh the robot $ent into

action! 5ic#ly rolling ot o% the room to resme its nightly vigil.



31>



320

,hapter 2B

Annie sat loo#ing ot the )$indo$* at (hady 7a# Lane. -t $as al$ays mida%ternoon on a snny smmer

day. /he la$n across the street belonging to the o$ners o% the bro$n bngalo$ $as al$ays in need o% mo$ing.

/he head o% someone $as barely visible over the $ooden %ence obscring the vie$ o% their bac#yard. /hat

person $as %orever %ro6en in $hatever activity they had been involved in on that a%ternoon so long ago. /hey

might $ell be deceased by no$! past ever %eeling the sn beating do$n on their head. Annie %ond this thoght

sort o% depressing.

Annie had reached a decision. -t $as a (atrday and Adrey $as on her $ay %or her $ee#ly visit. Annie

$as $aiting in her room on prpose to tell Adrey her decision there.

(he had re5ested some o% her o$n clothes %rom the commnal closet that morning! thin#ing it $old

please Adrey to see her dressed in her o$n things. (he $ore some bro$n slac#s $ith an embroidered tape

s$eater she %elt sre Adrey had given her on some occasion. (he had ta#en care to ma#e sre her hair $as

combed nicely. -t loo#ed a$%l any$ay. /he gray section net to her scalp $as getting progressively $ider in

comparison $ith the lo$er! blonde hair as it gre$ ot %rom the dye ob. (he had decided to let it go bac# to its

natral gray and didnt $ant anyone going to the epense o% dying it bac# to its natral color. -t seemed %oolish

$hen time $old ma#e it all one color again eventally.

-t $as bet$een /han#sgiving and ,hristmas. /he approach o% ,hristmas in the matration center al$ays

depressed Annie. (he $anted so badly to participate in the preparations %or the holiday and $as no longer able



321

to. (he had no money %or presents %or her grandchildren or Adrey and /im. -% she as#ed Adrey %or money to

spend on presents she #ne$ Adrey $old give it to her bt it $oldnt really be her money. And then Adrey

$old have to go to the etra troble o% ta#ing Annie shopping some$here or helping her pic# things ot on a

monitor.

/he matration center o%%ered arts and cra%ts t$ice a $ee# as part o% their sociali6ation program. Annie had

re%sed to participate in the past! pre%erring to stay in her room or go to the recreation modle and $or# on

be%riending ?arissa! bt since coming bac# %rom her /han#sgiving visit at Adreys she had started attending

the sessions. (he thoght she cold at least make something %or Adrey and her %amily so she cold %eel li#e

she had something to contribte.

-t $as proving to be a sobering eperience. Annie had al$ays thoght o% hersel% as a %airly creative person.

(he still had good ideas abot ho$ she $anted the things she made to trn ot. ;t even $ith her good

eyeglasses on the obects she $or#ed on didnt loo# as clear as they oght and her arthritic hands did not

cooperate in carrying ot the commands sent to them by her brain. (he had to admit the things she managed to

create had! at best! a grade school 5ality abot them.

/he %lo$ers she had painted on a small %lo$erpot %or Adrey had a distinctly neven! abstract loo# to

them. /he seams on the sides o% the cheesy vinyl tool poch she had se$n together %or /im loo#ed lopsided.

@eremys name stenciled on a small 6ippered case $as on a decided do$n$ard slant. (he had little hope that the

hair clip she planned to decorate %or (ara $old trn ot any better.



322

-t seemed li#e she had nothing to contribte a%ter all.

7% corse! the proects she had chosen $ere more comple than some o%%ered by the matration center.

(ome o% the other residents $ere content to pt a %e$ stic#ers on a %elt ,hristmas stoc#ing or apply stars $ith a

stamper to a pictre o% an ornament. /hese stoc#ings and ornaments adorned many o% the doors o% the residents

rooms as i% they $ere $or#s o% art $orthy o% display and admiration. Annie %elt sorry %or these residents! once

highly %nctioning hman beings no$ accepting praise %or something so insigni%icant. ;t she %elt st as sorry

%or hersel%.

(he heard %ootsteps as she $as attempting %or the thosandth time to decide $hether the person in the bac#

yard o% the bngalo$ across the $ay $as a child or a stooping adlt. /he %ootsteps clipclopped 5ic#ly to$ard

her.

)(orry -m late! mom!* Adrey said! #issing her chee#. )8e had a minor emergency this morning. @eremys

airboard $as $obbling and - had to call several sporting spply stores to %ind the right air et scraper. 'es only

had the board a %e$ months and its already practically obsolete*

)'ave a seat! Adrey!* Annie said! nodding to$ard the bed. Adrey perched on the edge and loo#ed ot o%

the )$indo$* $ith Annie.

)-ts a nice vie$!* she remar#ed amiably. As sal Adrey $as cltching a cp o% co%%ee $ith one hand and

a small paper bag in the other. /he bag containing Annies chocolates. Annie strggled to ignore the bag and



323

remain %ocsed.

)Adrey! theres something - need to tell yo. -ve decided to have the $allogram trned o%%. - #ne$ they

$old call yo i% - $ent ahead and did it so - $anted to let yo #no$ %irst!* Annie said.

)Are yo tired o% it already9* Adrey as#ed. )8e cold come p $ith something else! maybe %rom photos

o% yor little hose. =o $ere happy there %or many years.*

)- $as happy there!* Annie agreed! )sometimes. Adrey! every place has its bad memories as $ell as its

good. -t seemed so $onder%l being bac# in (hady 7a# Lane %or a $hile. ;t eventally the good %eelings $ere

replaced by the sadness o% #no$ing -ll never really be in that apartment again and that even i% - cold

#hysically go bac# there it $oldnt be the same. - get a %eeling o% loss living in this proection. -t $old be the

same $ith any location %rom my past.*

)-t doesnt have to be a place %rom yor past!* Adrey pointed ot. )8e cold chose a room %rom the

matration center database or come p $ith or o$n. -t cold be a brand ne$ room $ith no memories attached

to it at all.*

Annie sat silently in thoght %or a moment. )- dont $ant to live in any arti%icial room! honey!* she

eventally said. )- $ant to live $ith reality! sch as it is. -% -m living in a small! $hite bo o% a room thats $hat

- $ant to see $hen - loo# arond me. -ts as simple as that. /hese proections yo li#e so $ell dont really add

anything to my com%ort. /hey st mas# reality. -ts as i% someone is trying to pt something over on me. - dont



32+

li#e it.*

Adrey glped do$n some o% her co%%ee be%ore responding. )- gess - can appreciate that! mom. ;t $e

cold really decorate yor room. 7ne day as - $as $al#ing bac# here - caght a glimpse o% a room $ith plsh

velvet crtains. /hey loo#ed so real they made me stop in my trac#s. - peered in the door$ay and sa$ that the

resident $as ot o% the room so - $al#ed over and toched the crtains. /hey $ere real rich velvet crtains -

as#ed one o% the $or#ers and they told me that the center sometimes allo$s %amilies to decorate a room. - cold

loo# into it %or yo. /here mst be something yo $old %eel $as appropriate %or yo... %or this stage o% yor

li%e.*

Annie cold hold ot no longer. )Are those chocolates9* she as#ed! gestring to$ard the bag in Adreys

lap.

)7h! o% corse!* Adrey replied! strggling to open the bag $ith one hand. (he opened the inner airloc#

seal $hich made a sond li#e a lea#y tire and handed the bag to Annie. )/heyre mochacream %illed! st li#e

yo $anted.*

/hese $ere Annies ne$ %avorites. Adrey boght them at a di%%erent store and they tasted mch %resher

and $ere st abot as creamy as candy cold get. (he popped one in her moth and bit into it and then pased

to savor the rich! delight%lly bitter %lavor.

)-% yo can give me some idea abot colors - can bring in some %abric and paint samples!* Adrey $as



324

saying. )/he #ids $old love to help me do the painting. -ts sch a small roomC $e cold do it in an a%ternoon.

- can rn p a bed cover and some pillo$s on my se$ing machine. - #no$ - $asnt very handy at se$ing in

high school bt dont $orry! yo st program my atomatic machine and it does all the $or#.*

Annie regret%lly s$allo$ed the chocolate and ran her tonge arond her moth trying to rid her teeth o%

telltale bro$n goo be%ore ans$ering her daghter. )Adrey! - #no$ yo mean $ell!* she said! in a some$hat

thic# voice. );t -m really not interested. At this stage o% my li%e! as yo pt it! -m not interested in decorating

my room or in having anybody decorate my room. - dont really consider this to be my room. -ts hard to

eplain.* (he stopped spea#ing brie%ly and then plnged in again. )-ts li#e - see this place as a sort o% hospital.

/his is not my personal room this is my hos#ital room. =o dont get admitted into the hospital and start

painting the $alls and hanging p crtains. =o stay in the hospital room ho$ever long yo need to stay there

and st accept it as it is. /hats ho$ - %eel abot this room. -m not trying to be di%%iclt! bt - st $ant it plain!

the $ay it really is. o yo nderstand9*

Adrey sighed. Annie cold tell she had been enoying the prospect o% painting the room $ith (ara and

@eremy. Q- gess - can see yor point o% vie$!* Adrey said. )=o can leave it li#e it is i% thats $hat yo really

$ant.*

Annie grabbed another chocolate and mnched it happily. (he had pt one over on Adrey! this time. (he

spposed in part her eplanation o% her %eelings had been accrate bt the trth contained a stronger dose o%

st plain stbbornness than Annie had let on. (he re%sed to ever accept this tiny enclosre as her room. -t had

never been and cold never be any meaning%l place to Annie. -t $as st a temporary place she had been



32:

deposited and she re%sed to attribte any permanence to it. ecorating it $old be giving in! allo$ing the

center to brain$ash her and indoctrinate her $ith their propaganda. Annie $old have none o% it. /his $as st

a storage room! and Annie $as the item being stored in it.

8hen "eba came by a short $hile later Annie told her o% her decision to trn o%% the proection.

)Are yo sre! Annie9* "eba as#ed! glancing at Adrey. )=o seemed to li#e it so $ell.*

)-m sre!* Annie replied. )/he sooner the better.*

"eba trned to$ard Adrey again. /he nmeros metal bracelets on her $rists clac#ed together lodly.

)(hes made p her mind!* Adrey said. )-ts p to her.*

/he proection $as still there $hen Adrey le%t her. /hey too# Annie to the ca%eteria %or lnch. 8hen they

broght her bac# the room $as star# $hite again. Annie #ne$ she shold %eel satis%action in having her $ishes

complied $ith bt instead she %elt an almost over$helming sadness. (hady 7a# Lane had been so very

com%orting! in a $ay.

)Are yo o#ay! Annie9* "eba as#ed! reading the distress in her epression.

)- bit my tonge!* Annie mttered! as a sbter%ge.



32<

)o yo $ant me to loo# at it9* "eba o%%ered! plling a compressed lighting element %rom her poc#et.

Annie shoo# her head and %orced a smile. )Do than#s! honey. -t $ill be all right in no time.*



32B

,hapter 2>

(ophia $as loo#ing old. (he had gray hair and the s#in on her %ace and hands seemed less tat and %irm

than %ormerly. (he sat in a room $ith no identi%ying %eatres. /he msician stood behind her! bopping his head

and holding his gitar althogh his %ingers $ere immobile. (he spo#e to him even thogh she $as not %acing

him. 7ddly! the msician still loo#ed as yong as he had be%ore.

)/his conversation $as al$ays destined to happen!* (ophia said to him. 'er voice $as similar to Annies

bt it had a some$hat higher pitch.

)8hat do yo $ant me to say9* the msician as#ed! catiosly. 'is voice $as harder to place! %amiliar to

Annie bt so%t and lo$.

)/his is a conversation!* (ophia reminded him. )-ts an opportnity %or both o% s to epress or %eelings.

ont yo thin# its abot time9*

Annies mind $as in a 5andary. 8hat $as happening here9 (he had never eperienced a Li%evie$er

session li#e this be%ore -nstead o% being in control o% the action! she $as a passive vie$er $atching a scene

n%old be%ore her! a scene that had never happened in her real li%e. 'er %irst implse $as to raise her hand! to

cry ot! and have an attendant come and adst some setting or other to get things bac# to normal. /hen her

criosity got the better o% her. (he settled bac# to $atch $hat $old happen.



32>

)=o $ere disappointed in me!* the msician observed.

)- $as!* (ophia admitted. )- never epected yo to change the $ay yo did. - never thoght yo cold give

p yor dream so easily.*

)-t $asnt easy!* the msician insisted. );t - had to give it p. -t $as holding s bac#. 8e had a daghter

to consider.*

(ophia shoo# her head! %irmly. )Do! - dont by that. At the time - sort o% blamed her %or it! even thogh -

#ne$ it $asnt %air to hold it against her. ;t since then -ve decided that argment st doesnt hold $ater. (he

$old have been st as happy i% yod contined $ith yor msic! she might even have been happier (he

$old have gro$n p arond co%%eehoses and msic and art %estivals. (he $old have $andered p on stage

and maybe %allen in love $ith being in %ront o% a cro$d. ?aybe she $old have ta#en p msic hersel% or

dancing or acting. -t might have given her greater con%idence in hersel%. =o cant assme $hat yo chose to do

made her li%e any better.*

)-t made her more secre!* the msician said. (ddenly he didnt loo# mch li#e a msician anymore. 'e

$as $earing a sit and a pair o% glasses. 'is gitar had disappeared. ),hildren need a home and stability. /hey

need their parents to save p %or college so they can have a %tre.*

)/hey dont as# yo to give p yor dreams!* (ophia insisted. )=o cold have done the rest $ithot

totally giving p msic.*



330

)(ome people cold have done that!* the %ormer msician conceded. );t it $old have been too pain%l

to me. -t $old have been pathetic! me sitting do$nstairs in %ront o% or bar in the evenings pic#ing ot my old

songs on my gitar. -t $old have added to my discontent. -t $as %ar better %or me to pt it all behind me and

pt my %ocs on the %tre.*

)- coldnt believe it the day - came home %rom the spermar#et to %ind yor gitar in the garbage. -n the

garbage yor beloved gitar* (ophias voice bro#e at the memory.

)- le%t it outside the dmpster! $here someone $old %ind it!* he replied. )- #ne$ it $oldnt be ta#en to

some land%ill.*

)=ore so right it didnt end p in a land%ill* (ophia said. )o yo have any idea $hat really happened to

it9 idnt yo ever $onder9 - $as so sre yo $ere st overreacting to the responsibilities o% parenthood - too#

the gitar and pt it in storage in the attic o% the apartment bilding. - %elt sre that eventally yo $old

change yor mind and $ant it bac#. - #ept that gitar p there %or t$o years ntil yod saved enogh to by s

that horrible hose and $e $ere getting ready to move there. - coldnt bear to bring the gitar to that sterile

place. - too# it to the thri%t store mysel%. - cried $hen they too# it %rom me and - had to leave it there. -t $as li#e

abandoning a %amily member ;t yo made me do it.*

)8hy $as it so important to yo9* the man as#ed. );y then it didnt mean anything to me anymore. 8hy

did yo care9*



331

);ecase msic $asnt st your dream!* (ophia in%ormed him. )-t $as my dream! too. - loved helping yo

prepare %or yor per%ormances. - loved ma#ing the posters. - loved $atching yo %rom the adience and giving

yo my spport and admiration. - believed in yo ?ore than yo believed in yorsel%.*

)=o had to #no$ there $as almost no chance - cold really ma#e a career ot o% my msic!* the man

reasoned. )At some point a person has to abandon sch %oolishness and go a%ter something that they can

actally achieve.*

)Li#e $or#ing in an o%%ice9* (ophia sneered.

)=es! li#e that!* the man agreed. )8hy coldnt yo ever be prod o% me %or that9 - helped a lot o% people

over the years! people $ho s%%ered losses and needed to be made $hole again. 8hy didnt yo give me any

credit %or that9*

);ecase it $asnt the same!* (ophia replied! )becase it $asnt enogh. =o $erent the man - %ell in love

$ith anymore! ?ichael (hane ,allahan.*

)/hat $as another thing!* the man spttered. )8hy did yo stop calling me (hane9*

)8hy did yo stop calling yorsel% that9* (ophia contered.



332

)- thoght ?ichael sonded more pro%essional %or the o%%ice!* the man replied. );t yo didnt have to

change $hat yo called me. - told yo yo sholdnt bt yo did it any$ay.*

)-t $as only %itting!* (ophia replied. )8hen yo $ent to $or# %or that company the man - loved died.

/here $as no more (hane. (hane $as a man $ith a dream! a vision. 'e had msic in his sol. 'e had a sense

o% hmor ?i#e $as nothing bt a drone! a $or#er bee. 'e had no time %or dreams! no heart %or laghter. 'e

had to $or# to earn things! spport things! and provide %or people.*

)8hy did yo hate or hose so mch9* ?i#e as#ed. )- boght it %or yo! %or yo and or daghter both.

"emember9

- $ish - had a penny %or every ro$ -ve hoed

-d by a shiny opal and hang it rond her throat

- $ish - had a dollar %or every bshel %illed

-d bild her a grand hose on top o% the hill.*

)- didnt need a grand hose!* (ophia contered! hitting the palm o% her hand on the table in %ront o% her a

%e$ times $hile %rro$ing her bro$ pensively. (he %inally s$iveled in her chair to %ace him. )- needed yo -

needed %or s to be nited! $or#ing to$ard one goal together. ?aybe - $as narro$minded abot $hat that

goal shold be. ;t $hen yo abandoned yor msic to be a bsinessman there $as no $ay %or me to share in

that. =o shold have married a schoolteacher! li#e all those other claims people yo introdced me to. 8hat is

it $ith claims adsters and schoolteachers9 -s there a matchma#ing service %or them or something9* (ophia

as#ed! digressing and bringing p something Annie had o%ten $ondered abot hersel%.



333

/he male %igre seemed con%sed by this line o% thoght. )- dont #no$ $hat yore tal#ing abot. /he only

$oman - ever $anted to marry $as yo.*

)/hen it $old have been better i% yo had come to $or# $ith me. -nstead o% $or#ing in that o%%ice yo

cold have been $ith me painting and $allpapering. - dont thin# $e $old have gro$n so %ar apart i% $e had

$or#ed together.*

/he man shoo# his head. )o yo really thin# or relationship cold have srvived all that togetherness9

/ogether all day! together at night and on the $ee#ends. 8e $old have gotten on each others nerves ;esides!

my ob provided steady income. /here $ere times $hen decorating obs $ere %e$ and %ar bet$een. ?y ob

provided stability %or or %amily.*

)ont yo see $hat little good it did s9* (ophia contered. )8hat do - have no$9 - have nothing!

nothing at all 8hat little - had $ent to the people $ho rn this matration preserve. -t $oldnt have mattered

i% -d had lessC it $old only have mattered i% - had had a great deal more. /hen they still $old have ta#en it all

bt they $old have pt me on the seventh %loor! $here ?itch is. /he seventh %loor ta#es mch more than yo

cold ever have provided even i% yod lived long enogh to retire %rom that precios company. (o $hat $as

the point! really9 8hat did yo accomplish9 8e have nothing to sho$ %or it and it tore s apart.*

)-t didnt have to!* ?i#e replied. )=o cold have stood by me throgh it allC $e cold have gone throgh

it together. ;t yo chose to separate yorsel% %rom me. =o stayed physically bt emotionally yo severed ties



33+

$ith me and bloc#ed me ot o% yor li%e. 8hy $ere yo so relentless and n%orgiving9 - stood by yo %or so

long in spite o% yor resentment. - held ot %or so long! hoping yo $old come arond.*

)/hen yo trned to her* (ophia accsed. )=o betrayed me physically and emotionally $ith her! that co

$or#er. ?aybe - deserved it. - #no$ - $as absoltely n#ind to yo bt $hat yo did hrt so badly! so mch

$orse than - ever let yo #no$. - cold never admit to yo st ho$ devastated - $as by it becase - didnt $ant

yo to see my vlnerability. =o tterly bro#e my heart -n all this time -ve never gotten over it.* /ears

cascaded do$n (ophias %ace! actally dropping %rom her chin into her lap.

Annie %elt a$%lC so sorry %or poor (ophia! so sorry %or hersel%. (he reached ot to$ard (ophia as i% to

com%ort her! bt o% corse her hand $as otside the con%ines o% the vie$er and had no e%%ect at all on the scene

be%ore her. (he %elt an almost physical pain in the pit o% her stomach! bt in spite o% her immense sadness she

$as nable to conre p any tears to oin (ophia in her $eeping.

)-m so sorry! honey... -m sorry! s$eetheart. - shold never have allo$ed it to happen. ;t it $as so

di%%iclt tal#ing to yo abot anything yo re%sed to nbend even the slightest bit and Kara $as so

sympathetic and #ind to me. - came to rely on her com%orting $ords. - never intended %or things to go so %ar. -ts

hard to eplain ho$ someone can slip over that %ine line i% yove never done it yorsel%. Dot that - $ish yo

had been n%aith%l bt maybe yo cold nderstand $hat happened $ith Kara and me better i% yo had been.*

(ophia seemed to be gagging. For a moment Annie thoght she $as actally going to thro$ p. -nstead!

she said 5ietly! )- do #no$ ho$ yo can slip over that line. - slipped mysel%.*



334

)=o did9* the man as#ed! srprised. )8hen9 8ith $ho9*

(ophia shoo# her head. )-t doesnt matter $ho. - didnt have the #ind o% relationship $ith him yo had $ith

Kara. - dobt there $as a sbect $e cold have tal#ed abot amiably together. - thoght he $as a domineering

pig. ;t he arosed desire in me and his $i%e $as a$ay %rom home. 8e had se several times over the corse

o% a %e$ days. -t made me %eel horrible li#e a prostitte since he $as literally paying %or me to be there -

#no$ - shold have told yo abot it long ago bt - never cold. -t $old have made my complaints abot Kara

less valid someho$ bt $hat happened $ith me st $asnt as serios a betrayal. =o connected $ith Kara on a

mental level! an emotional level. =o cared %or her! maybe even loved her - never %elt anything %or the man -

cheated $ith ecept maybe disgst.*

)- dont #no$ i% - loved Kara!* ?i#e replied. )-% - did! it $as a sel%ish #ind o% love. (he $as a nice person

bt $e mostly tal#ed abot me and my problems. -t only happened becase yo had reected me. /he

#no$ledge that yo $ere physically n%aith%l to me dring or marriage hrts me deeply. ?aybe - nderstand

a little better no$ ho$ yo mst have %elt abot Kara.* 'e placed his head in his hands as i% the things

$eighing on his mind at this point $ere too heavy %or his %ragile nec# to spport on its o$n.

)- $as almost glad - had strayed a%ter - heard abot yo and Kara!* (ophia admitted. )-t made me %eel li#e

less o% a patsy! less o% a %ool. - reali6e no$ that it $as st a cheap $ay o% sti%ying my actions to mysel%. -m

sorry.*



33:

)- didnt #no$ - had hrt yo so badly!* ?i#e admitted. )- #ne$ yo $ere angry at the time. ;t $e $ere

never able to discss itC it someho$ seemed too dangeros a sbect to tal# abot as i% it might ma#e everything

nravel. (o - pt p a %ront yo pt p a %ront. -% only $e cold have tal#ed...*

)=o say that to me9* (ophia replied! astonished. )=o thin# - didnt see the tragedy in or being incapable

o% brea#ing do$n the $alls bet$een s and ma#ing peace9 - $anted to do it! - yearned to do it. ;t yo $ere so

tochy abot Kara all - had to do $as bring her p and yo $old lash ot at me and lapse into an alltoo

%amiliar silence. - $old respond by retreating. 8e st didnt seem to be capable o% condcting the #ind o%

conversation abot yor in%idelity that $e $old have needed to %inally get past it. - eventally had to give p

trying.*

)-m sorry!* ?i#e said. )- st $anted to pt it all behind s. 8hen yo $old bring it p it seemed li#e a

negative thing to me li#e yo $ere st ptting s throgh it over and over again %or no good reason $orse! -

thoght yo $ere doing it to pnish me. - gess - didnt nderstand that yo needed to tal# it ot to help yo

process it and get it ot o% yor system. 8e $ere at cross prposes %or a long $hile.*

)-n spite o% it all -m glad things $ere better by the end!* (ophia remar#ed. )-t helped so mch a%ter$ard. -%

$e hadnt made any #ind o% peace by then - $old have s%%ered mch more a%ter yo $ere gone. And -m

sorry - $as asleep $hen yo passed a$ay. - might not have been able to help yo bt at least yo $oldnt have

had to go throgh it alone.*

?i#e gave a little lagh. )7h s$eetheart! - $asnt alone!* he replied. )As long as yo have %aith theres



33<

nothing to %ear %rom death. 7ne moment - $as lying in or bed and the net - had this incredible sensation o%

lightness and - $as ot o% the hose and a$ay as i% -d risen li#e smo#e and dri%ted ot o% the $indo$. All the

heaviness o% this li%e $as gone.*

)=o le%t it behind in yor shell!* (ophia told him. )-t $as heavy and cmbersome a%ter yo le%t! li#e a

diving sit. /hats $hat $e bried. -s it good $here yo are no$9 Are yo happy9*

)'appiness doesnt begin to describe the tter oy - %eel!* ?i#e replied. For the %irst time since Annie had

begn Li%evie$er /herapy (essions the %eatres o% someone other than her Animate sddenly came into sharp

%ocs. (he %ond hersel% ga6ing at ?i#es $arm bro$n eyes and his dear! almost homely! %ace. ;t his smile

$as $hat commanded Annies attention. 'is smile cold only be described as radiant. )8hen yor time comes

yo dont have to be a%raid!* he said. )-ll come %or yo and gide yo home. -ts not li#e or daghters hose

$here yo %eel in the $ay and its nothing at all li#e that depressing place yore in no$. -ll ta#e yo $here yo

belong! to a place made st %or you. /hen yoll #no$ tre oy.*

(ophia gave a merry little lagh. )- didnt believe there cold be anything good in my %tre* she said.

)/han# yo %or giving me a reason to hope.* /he man seemed to have risen someho$. 'is %eet no longer

toched the %loor! his toes pointed do$n$ard to sho$ that they no longer spported his $eight. )- #no$ yo

gave p yor msic! (hane! bt - $ant yo to #no$ that its sa%e. /he $ritten record o% it is sa%e. 7r daghter

has it in a hope chest in her hose.*

)-m glad! i% it might mean something to her or her children!* ?i#e replied.



33B

)-m sre it $ill! the children any$ay!* (ophia said. )-m sre one o% them $ill pic# p on it. ?aybe the

boy! hes learning the gitar.*

)ont psh him too hard!* ?i#e $arned. )For most people msic is st a hobby. ont epect too mch

%rom him.*

)- dont! (hane!* (ophia said $ith a smile. )- dont epect anything at all anymore! %rom anyone. - st love

them. And - still love yo.*

)- love yo! too!* (hane said! sddenly %ading %rom vie$. (ophia reached ot as i% she $old detain him i%

she cold bt it had no e%%ect. /he smile remaining on her %ace $as bitters$eet.

),ome on! Annie!* @les said! removing the Li%evie$er. Annie sat blin#ing at the sdden light! smiling

broadly. )-ve never seen yo loo#ing so happy be%ore! yor %ace is absoltely beaming* @les remar#ed!

smiling bac# at her criosly.

)-ve had the most remar#able eperience!* Annie replied! animatedly. )And the Li%evie$er didnt even

b66 once ;t that conversation never happened...*

)/he machines $ere st tested a cople o% days ago!* @les advised her. )Do problems $ere %ond.*



33>

)- dont nderstand it!* Annie said. );t thats all right. -t $as st the $ay - al$ays thoght it $old be.*

8hat had that horrible (am told her be%ore9 (omething abot some $oman $ho hadnt been able to tell the

di%%erence bet$een trth and reality in the Li%evie$er. 'e said she had died not long a%ter. ;t Annie hadnt

seen (am in ages shed been secretly hoping hed been %ired %or some in%raction. And she coldnt imagine

anything ominos in connection $ith $hat she had st eperienced. -t $as so tre and believable! the very

conversation she al$ays $ished she and (hane had had an opportnity to have together. (he %elt not only

relieved bt ecstatic (he had a hnch r. (trayer $old tar her crrent state $ith a more negative term

manic. ;t she didnt care. (he hadnt %elt this happy in sch a long time since long be%ore shed come to

8interhaven in %act.

)@les! $hat do yo thin# o% "eba9* Annie as#ed as @les assisted her into a glyder.

)"eba9* @les echoed! innocently.

)(hes really a s$eet girl!* Annie commented! not $aiting %or his reply. )(he has a good heart. -ts easy to

tell those $ho have one and those $ho dont %rom my vantage point. "eba has a good heart. (o do yo.*

elores had a good heart! bt didnt al$ays give in to it. (he had stead%astly re%sed to as# the residents abot

changing the television channel since that time she had done her best to get them to vote Annies $ay. -t $as as

i%! a%ter having given it her best shot! she had done all she intended to do on Annies behal%.

)=ore right abot "eba!* @les conceded as he gently propelled Annie to$ard the lnchroom. )(he does



3+0

have a good heart. And than# yo %or saying - have one! too.*

)And "eba is really pretty!* Annie added. )-% she can loo# pretty $ith all that metal in her %ace! imagine

ho$ good she $old loo# i% she removed it and let things heal. /hey probably have some great $ay o% getting

rid o% scars! by no$.*

)(he is pretty!* @les agreed! graciosly ignoring the remar#s abot the metal stds. )=o $oldnt be

trying to get the t$o o% s together! $old yo Annie9*

)=es! - am @les!* Annie admitted readily. )-m old and yore my t$o %avorite people and - cant thin# o%

anything that $old ma#e me happier. - thin# it $old ma#e yo happy! too!* she added.

)Actally! $eve had co%%ee together a cople o% times in the ca%eteria!* @les admitted. )-t $as pretty

a$#$ard. 8e coldnt seem to thin# o% anything to tal# abot.*

)?aybe yo $ere trying too hard!* Annie said. )/ry it again. @st say anything that comes into yor head!

it doesnt matter $hat. As# her abot all that metal. Dot in a con%rontational $ay! o% corse. ont act li#e yo

dont li#e it or that yo dont nderstand it or anything. @st act crios. /heres got to be an interesting story

there!* Annie advised.

)- sppose - cold try again!* @les conceded.



3+1

)@st dont tal# abot E2 or $hatever her nmber $as!* Annie said. )8omen dont $ant to hear abot e

girl%riends.*

)-ll try not to!* @les replied! lightly. Annie got the %eeling he might st be patroni6ing her.

)-m being serios! @les!* Annie scolded. )/a#e her some$here besides the ca%eteria. -ts hard to thin#

abot things other than $or# in a place li#e this. - $ish - had some money. -d pay %or yo to ta#e her

some$here nice.*

)-ll tell her it $as yor idea!* @les replied. )-t $ill mean st as mch to her! -m sre.*

@les settled Annie at a table in the ca%eteria st as the trays $ere dispensed %rom the sorters in the center

o% each table. Annie loo#ed at the %ood $arily. /here $as some #ind o% meat in grayishbro$n gravy on top o%

bland noodles! a slice o% ntritionallyenhanced bread! and some irreglar peach slices s$imming in ice. @les

helped her by ptting her tea bag in the s#impy mg o% l#e$arm $ater.

)- $ish yo cold ta#e me someplace nice!* Annie mttered! her %ormer good spirits momentarily

dampened by the realities o% her li%e.

)7h! Annie!* @les replied merrily! )- thin# yod be %ar too mch %or me to handle*



3+2

,hapter 30

)&ood a%ternoon! Annie -ts a beati%l day otside. =o shold go to the observation modle and

eperience it!* "eba remar#ed! cheer%lly. (he $ore a drab olivegreen top $ith asymmetrical blac# stripes

over a tight olivegreen s#irt that ended $ith a agged hem belo$ her #nees. 'er hair $as short and %l%%y and

strea#ed $ith ble. 'er eyes $ere srronded by bright rosecolored eye shado$.

)- dont care $hat #ind o% a day it is. ?y days are all the same!* Annie grosed.

Annies happiness abot her Li%evie$er eperience had not lingered into the %ollo$ing day. (he had had

great di%%iclty sleeping the previos night! thin#ing abot $hat she had $itnessed and $ondering $hat it

might mean. (he coldnt help remembering $hat (am had told her! abot the $oman $ho had died the day

%ollo$ing her reminiscences abot dancing $ith the president. -t $as an event that had never really happened!

st li#e the conversation bet$een ?i#e and her had never happened. 8henever Annie had closed her eyes the

night be%ore she had %ond hersel% being sbected once again to (ams hostile glare.

(he had st retrned to her room a%ter lnch. "eba had come in to give her her medications.

Annie opened her moth and li%ted her tonge to allo$ "eba to administer the drgs. (he al$ays %elt sel%

conscios doing this! #no$ing she mst loo# li#e a baby bird $aiting %or %ood %rom her mother. "eba pt the



3+3

drops in her moth and she cold almost immediately %eel the medications entering her bloodstream. -t $asnt a

bad sensation! st odd. Annie li#ed the old days $hen she s$allo$ed pills even thogh it too# longer %or the

medication to ta#e e%%ect.

Annie closed her eyes %eeling physically ehasted and drained %rom lac# o% sleep. (he had been trying to

rela since retrning %rom lnch bt something $as ma#ing her %eel agitated and on edge. (omething she

coldnt pt her %inger on.

)-s there anything else yo need right no$! Annie9* "eba as#ed.

Annie opened her eyes $ith e%%ort prepared to reply in the negative. ;t "ebas blac#striped top came into

vie$ bringing that mime! (ally ?onroe! to Annies thoghts.

?aybe it $as the combination o% her over$roght nerves and the medicine srging throgh her veins.

?aybe it $as the lac# o% sleep. ?aybe it $as an nepected reaction to the igest ,omplete shed been given

$ith lnch. ;t all at once Annie eperienced an epiphany (he $as sddenly and absoltely convinced that

this $as the day she $old trimph over ?arion @ordan

Annie loc#ed her no$ $ideopen eyes on "ebas. )- need to get to the recreation modle right a$ay!*

Annie directed %irmly! srprising "eba by the radical shi%t in her demeanor.

)7#ay! Annie!* "eba replied! )- st need to give some medication to ?rs. 8ills net door and then - can



3++

ta#e yo.*

)Please hrry!* Annie entreated. A%ter "eba had le%t the room! Annie laboriosly raised hersel% to a sitting

position! dropping her legs over the side o% the bed so she $old be ready %or the transition to the glyder as

soon as "eba retrned.

Annie $as teetering dangerosly on the edge o% the bed $hen "eba came bac# mintes later. )=o seem to

be eager to be on the move all o% a sdden!* "eba remar#ed! grabbing Annies arm to steady her.

)/imes a $asting!* Annie replied bris#ly! as "eba helped her stand and get sitated in the glyder. Annie

hersel% didnt nderstand $hy she $as in sch a hrry bt something told her she had to get to the recreation

modle immediately i% she $anted to accomplish her goal. (ome po$er%l intition $as giding her actions.

As "eba manevered the glyder throgh the center Annie managed to calm do$n a bit! reali6ing that %or

the moment everything $as ot o% her hands. (he thoght abot @les and her last conversation $ith him.

)'o$ are things going $ith yo and @les9 id he as# yo ot9*

)As a matter o% %act! he did!* "eba replied! happily. )8ere going to dinner and a %ree range concert.*

Annie tried hard not to as# bt her criosity got the better o% her. )8hat in the $orld is a %ree range

concert9* Annie as#ed! resigned.



3+4

)-ts $here msicians come together and st start playing $ith no prior rehearsal or anything! st a

msical genre! a theme and a #ey. =o never #no$ $hat $ill happen! sometimes its ama6ing A real oneo%a

#ind per%ormance!* "eba eplained.

Annie had the notion that the concert $as "ebas idea and $as a%raid @les $old not appreciate attending

some imprompt cacophony. )=ore a very pretty girl! "eba. 'ave yo ever thoght abot! yo #no$! toning

down the metal thing! st a bit9* Annie %ond hersel% as#ing.

"ebas pace slo$ed almost imperceptibly. )- might do something li#e that someday! Annie. ;t %or no$

$hen - loo# in the mirror - see me" the real me. And - have to be tre to mysel%. o yo nderstand9* 'er tone

$as $ist%l.

Annie remembered the advice she had given (ara abot not living her li%e to please others and ho$ gilty

she %elt abot her role in discoraging Adreys dreams $hile she $as gro$ing p. (he %elt ashamed. -% the

metal stds! eotic hairstyles and otlandish clothing made "eba %eel good abot hersel%! $ho $as Annie to

%ind %alt $ith it9 ?aybe @les $as impressed by "ebas individality or $old come to be. -% not! maybe

someone else $old.

Annie reached a %eeble hand slo$ly p over her sholder to try to pat "ebas hand bt she miscalclated

and ended p patting her o$n sholder. )Listen! "eba! yore %ine st the $ay yo are. =ore a lovely girl! and

yore doing %ine!* she prononced.



3+:

)/han# yo! Annie!* "eba replied $armly! patting Annies sholder hersel%.

8hen they reached the recreation modle Annie loo#ed arond epectantly. ?arissa $asnt there "eba

settled Annie near her sal area and set the bra#e on the glyder.

)8heres ?arissa9* Annie as#ed.

)- dont #no$! Annie. ?aybe shell be here later!* "eba replied.

Dothing cold happen $ithot ?arissa /his $as the day Annie $old prevail! she st knew it! bt she

coldnt do it alone.

)Please! "eba! %ind ot $here ?arissa is!* Annie as#ed! animatedly! )and bring her here right a$ay. - need

her.*

"eba sat do$n in a chair net to Annie and held Annies bony hand in both o% hers. )=o really are

hyperactive today Listen! - $ill see $here ?arissa is bt - cant garantee - $ill bring her here. (he might not

be %eeling $ell or she might be bsy in the hygiene chamber or some$here. ;t - need yo to calm do$nC yo

sholdnt get so $or#ed p. 'ere.* "eba plled something ot o% her poc#et and handed it to Annie.

-t $as some #ind o% candy in a $hite paper t$ist. Annie opened it. -t loo#ed li#e a piece o% so%t to%%ee. (he

pt it in her moth. -t had an nepected bt not npleasant herbal taste to it.



3+<

)-ts chamomile!* "eba advised. )-t shold help calm yo do$n a bit. 8ill yo be all right $hile - go to

chec# on ?arissa9*

elores had broght in the $oman in the ".7.E. and $as par#ing her a short distance a$ay. /he $oman

loo#ed %lstered as al$ays bt noticed Annie and gave her a little $ave. Annie $aved bac#.

)-ll be all right!* Annie assred "eba. );t please! bring ?arissa i% yo possibly can.*

A%ter "eba le%t! Annie thoght%lly che$ed her to%%ee and loo#ed arond the room. 7% corse ?arion

@ordan $as there! right p in the %ront ro$. 8ho $as that sitting net to her! $ith that %a#e erminebro$n hair9

/he bac# o% her head loo#ed %amiliar. 8as that ,aroline "aynor9 'ad she recovered %rom her stro#e

s%%iciently to be ?arions cohort again9

Ip on the $all! (ally ?onroe stood in a relaed pose as ,hc# 8inston bantered $ith the contestants at

the beginning o% the sho$. 'er ot%it $as nsal that day in that the top $as plain blac# relieved only by a

$hite bo$ at the nec# and her slac#s $ere a lod! disointed pattern o% thin blac# and $hite diamonds. (he

sddenly $ent into action! ma#ing eaggerated 5ote signals $ith the inde and middle %ingers o% both hands

casing the adience to roar! )Hotation* /hen she held the thmb and inde %inger o% her right hand ot $ith

only a small space bet$een them. /he )Little $ord* shot o% the cro$d seemed to moc# Annie. 'o$ cold

she ever $in the vote i% ,aroline $as bac#9



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Annie s$allo$ed the remainder o% the to%%ee and sat staring re%lectively into space. -n spite o% the possible

reappearance o% ,aroline "aynor she still %elt certain today $as the day. (he had complained to "eba earlier

that her days $ere all the same! bt no$! nevertheless! her intition told her that it $as a special day and that

anything $as possible. Eventally her attention $as dra$n bac# to (ally! cpping her hand to her ear and

grinning in satis%action as the cro$d shoted )-t sonds li#e* /his $as a late episode and her %ace $as dra$n

grotes5ely tight. (ally mimic#ed pric#ing her %inger $ith something and her absrdly red moth %ormed an

eaggerated circle! li#e a %ish dra$ing in $ater. )Do$* the contestant shoted. (ally grinned and pointed to

the contestant $ith one hand $hile placing the inde %inger o% her other hand on her nose to indicate the

contestant had gessed correctly.

/he lettering at the bottom o% the screen read )-ts no$...*

/his didnt mean anything to Annie. )-ts no$*... $hat9 (he coldnt believe anyone in the room $ith her

had any notion $hat the soltion cold be. (he glanced do$n at the ring on her hand and moved it slightly to

catch the light! casing prple and light ble %lashes to emanate %rom it. 8here $as "eba $ith ?arissa9

)Little $ord* the adience shoted. /heir voices seemed to emanate %rom the chairs ranged arond her.

8hen she glanced p again! there $as an additional $ord on the $all.

)-ts no$ or...*

Annie glanced bac# do$n at her ring and then noticed motion to her le%t ot o% the corner o% her eye. At the



3+>

same time there $as $ild applase coming %rom the television program. Annie glanced p at the $all and cold

not believe her eyes. (he %elt blood rshing to her head.

)-ts no$ or never!* $as embla6oned across the bottom o% the proected image. A giantsi6ed (ally $as

grinning ear to ear. Althogh this $as one o% the later episodes and (allys aging %eatres $ere marred by the

$or# o% her over6ealos plastic srgeon Annie imagined she detected a yoth%l spar#le in (allys eye. -t

seemed as i% she $ere loo#ing right at Annie! directing this phrase speci%ically to$ard her.

/o Annie this message $as proo% that her premonition $old come tre. (he #ne$ $ithot trning that

?arissa had been the sorce o% the motion she had spotted ot o% the corner o% her eye a moment earlier and

that she no$ sat net to Annie in her glyder. /oday was the day

)'ere she is! Annie!* "eba said in con%irmation.

)"eba! - $ant yo to ta#e a vote!* Annie said! breathlessly! )- $ant yo to ta#e a vote abot changing the

channel.*

)-m sorry! Annie!* "eba replied! )- have to go assist in handing ot medications on the second %loor.

?aybe ee can do it.* Annie sa$ elores p %ront! passing ot ice in collapsible drin# pods.

)Do! no...* Annie said! momentarily thro$n by this development. )ee $ont do it anymore. (he told me

she $ont do it. Please! "eba! #lease.*



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"eba $as obviosly torn. (he stood a moment in thoght! grimacing. /hen she shoo# her head. )-m sorry!

Annie. -ll tal# to ee abot it! bt - really have to go.*

Annie epected to %eel disappointment $hen "eba $al#ed a$ay. -nstead she %elt a resrgence o%

con%idence. (omething told her everything $old still be o#ay. (he st had to believe.

(he $atched as "eba approached elores and engaged her in conversation. elores glanced over at Annie

$ith a dar# loo# that did not bode $ell %or her plans. ;t a%ter a little more bac# and %orth bet$een "eba and

her! elores gave a small a%%irmative sha#e o% her head that sti%ied Annies hopes.

Annie trned to$ard ?arissa %or the %irst time. /he hapless $oman $as hnched over staring at her lap as

sal. )/his is it! ?arissa dear!* Annie crooned. )-ts no$ or never*

elores didnt bother to tal# to Annie be%ore proceeding to elicit the vote. )Everyone! - need everyones

attention!* she said lodly! glancing arond the room and giving a %e$ short claps $ith her hands. A%ter a short

pase! she contined. )8e are going to ta#e a vote abot or television vie$ing %or this a%ternoon. -% yo $ant

to contine $atching It Sounds Like! raise yor hand no$.*

?arion @ordans hand popped p li#e the annoying girl in grade school $ho al$ays had the ans$ers. /he

dar#haired $oman net to her strggled to raise her arm bt eventally it rose high enogh to be conted. She

must be Caroline 2aynor" Annie thoght.



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Annie scanned the room eagerly. Even thogh elores as#ed %or additional votes t$ice! no other hands

$ere raised.

)/his is it! ?arissa!* Annie $hispered! ecitedly.

)All those in %avor o% changing the channel! raise yor hands no$!* elores intoned.

Annie raised her right hand as high as she cold. /hen she held her le%t hand ot near ?arissas lap and

moved it slightly to ma#e the stones in her ring spar#le in the light. (he care%lly raised her le%t hand and

?arissas head rose $ith it as she %ollo$ed its progress $ith her eyes.

)8e have one vote %or changing the channel. Are there any more9* elores called ot.

Annie contined to raise her le%t hand ntil it $as almost level $ith her right. /his too# a lot o% physical

e%%ort on her part. /o her satis%action ?arissa had contined to %ollo$ the ring $ith her eyes and $as staring p

at the spar#ling stones. )&o on! ?arissa!* Annie encoraged her. )/och the ring -ll give it to yo i% yo toch

it. -ts all yors! ?arissa! st toch it*

)8e have t$o votes!* elores annonced! casing Annie to lose her concentration a moment. /$o9 (he

$ondered $ho else $as voting $ith her. ;t she #ne$ she had to ma#e ?arissa raise her hand i% she $ere

going to achieve victory.



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(he too# the ring o%% her ring %inger and rose a$#$ardly to her %eet. (he dangled the ring over ?arissas

head as yo $old dangle a toy over a cat. ),ome on! ?arissa. /a#e the ring*

?arissas hand sddenly $ent into motion! rising slo$ly and nsteadily to$ard the glimmering obect in

Annies hand. Annie marveled that ?arissa $as able to move her arm at all considering ho$ long it mst have

been since she had last moved it and she %elt a sdden rsh o% appreciation %or the physical therapy sta%% at the

matration preserve. /hen Annies attention $andered %rom the slo$ progression o% ?arissas hand to her %ace.

/his $as the %irst time Annie had really had a clear vie$ o% ?arissas %eatres. /he epressionless ptrned

%ace had pleasant! delicate %eatres. ;t the thing that almost broght Annie to tears $as ?arissas eyes. /he

eyes %ied on the glistening ble and prple stones o% her ring contained a dim spar# o% a$areness and they

$ere a $arm bro$n. /hey $ere (hanes eyes! Adreys eyes. -t strc# Annie %or the %irst time that she had been

right all along ?arissa really $as %nctioning at some level! deep inside. And she really $as Annies %riend

8hen ?arissas hand $as high enogh to almost reach it Annie yearned to let her grab the ring! to obtain

her $elldeserved pri6e. ;t her vote had to be conted %irst. -% Annie gave her the ring too soon all that e%%ort

$old have been %or nothing.

)ee ee* Annie shoted! as lodly as she $as able. )8e have a third vote 8e have a third vote* (he

$anted to let ?arissa ta#e the ring %rom herC she had earned it! she had $or#ed so hard and been sch a loyal

%riend. ;t she coldnt release it ntil elores declared her the $inner.



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-t seemed li#e ages be%ore she heard elores annonce! )8e have three votes to change the channel*

Annie issed a deep sigh and released the ring. (he glanced arond st in time to see the $oman in the

".7.E. lo$ering her hand. Annie smiled at her grate%lly. (he plopped bac# do$n in her glyder h%%ing

mightily. (he %elt as spent as i% she had rn a marathon. 'er heart $as ponding madly $ithin her chest and she

%elt %lshed. ;t the mental ehilaration she $as eperiencing %rom her victory %ar eceeded any mere physical

discom%ort.

Annie glanced at ?arissa. (he had reverted to staring at her lap. 'er right hand $as closed cltching the

ring Annie had given her. Annie reached over and got the ring and placed it on the ring %inger o% ?arissas right

hand. -t $as a little loose bt Annie didnt thin# it $old actally %all o%%. (he pt ?arissas hand on her lap

$ith the ring %acing p$ards and moved it a little to ma#e the gems spar#le. )/here yo go! ?arissa! dear!*

Annie cooed. )Enoy yor ring! honey.*

elores $al#ed p to them. (he stood and stared a long minte at ?arissa $ith a mitre o% $onder and

shoc# on her %ace. )- dont #no$ ho$ yo did it! Annie!* she said! )- thin# yore a magician 'o$ did yo get

?arissa to raise her hand that $ay9*

Annie smiled at her. )?arissas my girl%riend! ee!* she strggled to remar#! still breathless.

)Are yo o#ay! Annie9 =ore breathing pretty hard!* elores as#ed! $ith a concerned %ro$n.



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)-ts o#ay! ee. -m st a little ecited!* Annie assred her! doing her best to slo$ her breathing. (he

coldnt let anything spoil her longa$aited victory.

elores shoo# her head and then gave Annie a big grin. Annie decided she $asnt sch a bad a person a%ter

all. )Annie! $hat channel do yo and yor %riend $ant to $atch9* she as#ed! magnanimosly.

8hat channel9 8hat di%%erence did it ma#e as long as there $as no one shoting )-t sonds li#e* or

)Little $ord*! no gesticlating blonde $ith a pale %ace! no phrases or titles9 )-t doesnt matter! ee. @st

change it to anything else!* Annie instrcted! );t no game sho$s*

)=ove got it!* elores replied! and headed bac# to the %ront o% the room.

Annies cold still %eel her heart ponding and throbbing in her chest bt %or some reason she $asnt

concerned abot it at all. (he $as too bsy enoying the contentment that she had hitherto eperienced all too

rarely in her li%eC the satis%action o% having overcome a great obstacle.

/hen there $as a sdden change in the room. /he hidden spea#ers emitted a gttral voice that $as

babbling in some %oreign langage. Annie ga6ed p at the $all. elores had s$itched the television to some

%oreign langage ne$s program.

/here $as a dar#haired man in #ha#icolored clothing standing atop the trret o% an impotent tan# in the

middle o% a small cro$d. 'e pmped his %ist into the air and shoted something athoritative in his native



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langage. A roar erpted %rom the cro$d and they pmped their %ists en masse into the air in spport.

Annie slo$ly rose to her %eet again. /he images on the screen danced in her eyes. 'er heart still strggled

in her chest li#e an overheated engine. Annie hoped this $as a live broadcast! that this nidenti%ied man on

some other continent $as sharing this moment o% victory $ith her! that they had attained their separate goals

simltaneosly and $ere ineorably lin#ed. (he abbed her right arm p$ard $ith as mch %orce as she cold

mster in imitation o% him. /his $as $hat victory %elt li#e /his $as %reedom

/he little girl in a plaid $inter coat mped rec#lessly %rom the top o% the schoolyard slide.

Annie plopped bac# do$n in her glyder breathing aggedly! all her energy gone! as the images on the $all

changed.

As Annies heart contined to pond and chrn a$ay in her chest she noticed that the %oreign ne$s channel

had apparently s$itched bac# to their modest stdio $here a yong man in a trim gray sit appeared to be

tal#ing abot the stoc# mar#et. 7n the right side o% the screen $ere colmns o% red and green %igres prodced

by some #ind o% laser light $ith plses and minses net to them. Annie coldnt nderstand the langage

%lo$ing %lently %rom the recesses o% the recreation modle chairs bt then she had never nderstood mch

abot the stoc# mar#et even $hen it had been reported in English.

-t $as a rather anticlimactic development. Annie chec#ed the bac# o% ?arion @ordans head hoping to

$ring one more once o% satis%action ot o% her victory. ;t ?arion st sat there %acing the screen as sal



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$ith ,aroline "aynor stanchly beside her. Annie cold not detect any deection in the pright postre o%

?arions sholders or disappointment in the erect attitde o% her head. 7nce Annies heart had settled do$n

some$hat she motioned to one o% the attendants and as#ed to be ta#en bac# to her room. (he had had enogh

ecitement %or one day. (he patted ?arissas arm in gratitde one last time be%ore the attendant released the

bra#e on her glyder and directed it to$ard the eit.

(ometime later in her room a%ter trying nsccess%lly to settle do$n and sleep Annie impatiently pressed

the b66er on her $ristband.

)=es9* the attendant responded moments later.

)/his Presence Essence machine mst be set too high or something* Annie complained. )- cant sleep

becase o% it. -t %eels li#e its $or#ing on overdrive*

)-ll send someone in to chec# it ot!* the voice promised.

Annie tossed and trned ntil a man in a maintenance ni%orm arrived. 'e loo#ed care$orn and tired! the

sagging s#in belo$ his sad eyes reminiscent o% a hond dogs! as i% hed eperienced a rogh li%e. )8hats the

problem9* he as#ed! althogh he $as already trning the Presence Essence machine to chec# the gages that

Annie #ne$ $ere sitated on the bac# o% the device. /he )head* $ith the )blo$ %ish* moth %aced Annie $ith

its shoc#ed epression.



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)/hat thing is driving me cra6y* Annie complained. )- have this over$helming %eeling o% a presence in

this room and it doesnt even seem to be coming %rom the direction o% the machine it seems to be coming %rom

every$here at once - cant rela.*

)-ll get to the bottom o% it!* the man promised! croching do$n %or a closer loo#. )/his machine is not

$or#ing at all* he annonced a short time later. )From the gages it loo#s li#e it stopped arond eight this

morning. - dont nderstand $hy it didnt trigger an alert in the maintenance department. (omeone shold have

been p to %i it right a$ay.*

Annies %ace pc#ered into a %ro$n. );t - dont nderstand! its been #eeping me a$a#e even thogh -

didnt sleep at all last night and -m absoltely ehasted - can still %eel it. -ts so strong ...*

)- dont #no$! maam!* the man replied! sha#ing his head. )-ts not coming %rom this machine. -ts dead. -

gotta go get some parts %rom the maintenance room. -ll be bac#.*

Annie lay lost in thoght a%ter the man had le%t the room. Earlier she had sensed that something

momentos $as abot to happen to her. (he had incorrectly associated that %eeling $ith her petty battle against

?arion @ordan. /re! she had %inally scceeded in having the channel changed and had eperienced a %leeting

moment o% trimph. (ally ?onroes image $as no longer monopoli6ing the large screen in the recreation

modle. ;t $hat had she really accomplished9 /hey $old go bac# to $atching It Sounds Like tomorro$

a%ter a ne$ vote. 8hat had she or anyone else gained %rom her %rantic e%%orts9



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(he $as convinced that $hat she $as eperiencing no$! this over$helming and po$er%l presence! $as

$hat her premonition had really been abot. Do$ that she reali6ed this emanation $as not the prodct o% a

manmade machine! she cold tell a di%%erence in its 5ality. For one thing it $as not accompanied by the sal

per%my scent. And as shed told the repairman it didnt seem to be coming %rom one spot in the room. /he

Presence Essence machine al$ays gave Annie the impression that someone $as standing on the right side o%

her bed. /he presence she $as no$ eperiencing did not seem to originate in any one location bt srronded

her e5ally %rom all directions! in %act it engl%ed her. -t did not seem to be the prodct o% heat and air

movements. /he air $as nsally still and to Annie the room %elt ncharacteristically neither hot nor cold.

Even so! the presence in her room hng heavily as i% it in%sed every molecle o% oygen in it.

/he e%%ect o% the Presence Essence machine had been nothing bt a sleight o% hand. Annie recogni6ed that

the Presence no$ occpying her room $as genine.

(he tried to clear her mind o% all thoghts and to st srrender hersel% to it. /his $as di%%iclt a%ter a

li%etime spent vainly trying to be in control! a li%etime o% stbbornly carrying her brdens on her o$n.

&radally she %elt the accmlated trmoil! recriminations and gilt lodged $ithin her $ea#en and dissolve

ntil they %inally gave $ay altogether be%ore the po$er%l essence srging throgh her and $ere $ashed a$ay.

(he eperienced then the deep sense o% peace she had al$ays yearned %or bt had never #no$n. ?i#e had

spo#en to her throgh the Li%evie$er abot her %tre home. (he #ne$ instinctively that this $as the path$ay

to that home $here she $old be renited $ith him %orever.

8hen the maintenance man retrned to %i the Presence Essence machine Annie thoght abot telling him



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to let it be. ;t she 5ic#ly reali6ed that the Presence no$ in her room $as mch mightier than the contrived

e%%ects o% the machine and that it cold not be overcome by it. And by the time the alarm on her health monitor

$ent o%%! Annie had dri%ted so %ar a$ay that she didnt even notice it.



3:0

,hapter 31

Adrey had never met ?s. "imple be%ore. (he had been in the third %loor o%%ices o% 8interhaven only

once! $hen her mother had %irst been admitted to the matration preserve.

?s. "imple $ore a dar#! very old%ashioned bsiness sit. (he loo#ed li#e she $old be a candidate to live

at 8interhaven hersel% in a %e$ years! her %acial s#in sagging li#e a balloon lo$ on air. 'er thin graying hair

$as ct short to abot the level o% her chin giving her a childli#e appearance. (he had ble eyes that reminded

Adrey o% her mothers althogh ?s. "imples eyes $ere not nearly as dar# as Annies had been. ?any things

seemed to remind Adrey o% her mother! so soon a%ter her passing.

)8ere so sorry abot yor mother! ?rs. Eggers!* ?s. "imple commiserated. )From $hat - hear she $as

very poplar $ith or sta%%. =o can be com%orted in #no$ing that it happened 5ic#ly and that she did not

s%%er.*

)=es!* Adrey replied atomatically.

Dothing $as really any com%ort to her at the loss o% her mother. (he #ept thin#ing that she shold have

#no$n something $as abot to happen. 'er mother had seemed so deected abot coming bac# to 8interhaven

a%ter /han#sgiving. ?aybe she shold have tal#ed to the sta%% abot it. ?aybe they cold have given her

mother some conseling or done something else to help ease her transition bac# to living at the center. ?aybe

the heart attac# cold have been avoided. Adrey didnt #no$! never $old #no$. ;t as she had long been



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responsible %or her mothers care she no$ %elt responsible %or letting her do$n someho$. (he #ne$ it $old

ta#e time %or her to let it go and get over her sense o% loss.

)Do$ then!* ?s. "imple contined $ith relish! ta#ing a $hite! rectanglar devise o%% o% her creden6a and

placing it ceremoniosly in the center o% her des#. /his $as a%ter all the prpose o% Adreys visit.

)'ere $e have a compilation o% yor mothers Li%evie$er eperiences!* ?s. "imple eplained. )A history

o% her li%e that can be cherished and handed do$n throgh the generations.* (he trned the device to$ard

Adrey. /he screen had an ornate bt taste%l design o% vines in mted green embellished $ith nobtrsive

prple %lo$ers. A shield in the center read $nn Louise Gaylan Callahan in intricate ble letters. ?s. "imple

activated the device. A men came p $hich read! )1. Animation $ith Adio! 2. Adio 7nly! 3. /et 7nly.*

?s. "imple tapped )Animation $ith Adio*. An animated pictre appeared on the screen as a

compteri6ed %emale voice described the scene. ) Ill never forget the day I tried to fly...) ?s. "imple trned

the adio $ay do$n so that she and Adrey cold still hear each other spea#. 7n the screen a small girl ran into

a #itchen and s5ee6ed hersel% into a chair sitated close to the table.

)(hes so cte* Adrey %ond hersel% eclaiming and smiled mildly. -t $as the %irst she cold remember

smiling since her mothers death. )8as mothers hair really that blonde $hen she $as yong9* she as#ed!

dobt%lly. )- mst say yove caght her eyes! thogh the color o% a stormy sea.*

)=es! or -/ department $or#ed hard to ma#e it an accurate representation o% ?rs. ,allahan!* ?s. "imple



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eplained $ith an odd gleam in her eye. 'er smile had a hard edge to it. )=o mst nderstand the original

representation $as mch crder. ;t $ith or ne$ so%t$are! $e can ma#e the Animates mch trer to li%e.*

A%ter a moment ?s. "imple pressed a btton and retrned to the main men. /his time she chose )/et

7nly*. )7% corse! yo may also read yor mothers story i% yo pre%er!* she said! $aving her %ingers and

casing pages o% intriging tet to %lo$ past the screen. )A $ritten rendition! a memoir so to spea#! told in yor

mothers o$n $ords. /his is the most complete collection o% yor mothers memories that no$ eists! the

history o% her li%e and o% yor %amily. -% not %or the Li%evie$er! these memories $old have been lost %orever.

;t no$ they can be treasred into perpetity. "eading these memories $ill give yo greater insight into $ho

Ann Loise &aylan ,allahan $as! and perhaps greater insight into $ho yo have become becase o% her

in%lence. 'ere!* ?s. "imple pshed the enticing master$or# closer to Adreys side o% the massive des#.

)&lance throgh it and see $hat treasres it contains.*

Adrey too# p the o%%er hesitantly. (he $as interested in the vie$ers contents! o% corse there $ere

many things abot her mothers li%e she $as crios abotC times she had never spo#en o%! #no$ledge she had

sppressed. ;t hadnt it been her mothers right to decide $hich things to tell her daghter and $hich things

not to tell9 8asnt this sort o% hiac#ing her mothers thoghts %or gain and pro%it9 (he $asnt sre st ho$

mch 8interhaven $as ha$#ing this precios treasre %or bt she %aced the revelation $ith %oreboding.

Adrey reached ot and %lipped throgh a page or t$o. As she glanced throgh the lines on the screen she

5ic#ly reali6ed she $as hoo#ed. (he cold not let her mothers memories be trapped in the matration centers

d t b % i% th i t t d t i i l /h h h h h d # l d %

Presence Essence

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