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Potent Parenting Dr. Steven Craig & Dr. Ronna Smith-Craig Craig Counseling Services Birmingham, MI

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What are we going to cover today? Ideas about developing a philosophy or guideline for parenting Various parenting approaches A specific method for thinking about your parenting approach

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WHAT IS PARENTING? Parenting is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood.

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Importance of having a goal or philosophy of parenting Gives you a guide for the long-term Helps you to not just to REACT to behavior and situations Helps you be CONSISTENT in your parenting

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THERE ARE MANY COMMON PARENTING APPROACHES

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Spiritual Parenting Model Respect the child's individuality Make space for the child to develop a sense of their own beliefs Focuses on the childs individual personality and their own potential

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Slow Parenting Model Less planning and organizing for children Allow children to enjoy their childhood Explore the world at their own pace

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Strict Parenting Authoritarian approach Places strong value on discipline Focuses on preparing children to survive and thrive in a harsh world

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Attachment Parenting Model Seeks to create strong emotional bonds Avoids physical punishment and accomplishes discipline through interactions Recognizes a child's emotional needs Focuses on holistic understanding of the child

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No One Method Fits All Your parenting approach will depend on: Your childs temperament, interests, skills, motivations Your (and your co-parents) temperament, motivations and your own comfort levels Your family situation

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A Tale of Two Boys Part One

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A Tale of Two Boys Part Two

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Provide for a childs physical needs Protect them from harm Teach skills and cultural values Traditional, basic goal of parenting:

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Provide for a childs physical needs Protect them from harm Teach skills and cultural values Traditional, basic goal of parenting: Stand up for themselves Manage their emotions Live according to values Become independent, compassionate adults So that they can:

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Provide for a childs physical needs Protect them from harm Teach skills and cultural values Traditional, basic goal: Stand up for themselves Manage their emotions Live according to values Become independent, compassionate adults So that they can: Thrive in the real world And eventually:

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Beneficial Parental Behaviors We know children benefit when their parents: Communicate honestly and give clear explanations Stay CONSISTENT Provide structure, routines, and clear expectations Use community resources Take an active interest in child's educational and early developmental needs Have a strong awareness of what child is doing/learning and how it affects them

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Approaches to Discipline Rules of traffic Instructional approach Parents explain how to behave with little explanation of deeper moral and social implications Fine gardening Belief that children have positive and negative qualities Parents "weed out" or "prune away negative qualities.

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Approaches to Discipline (continued) Reward and punishment Desired behavior reward or praise Unwanted behavior punishment or reprimand Concerted cultivation Foster children's talents through organized leisure activities Parents challenge their children to think critically and to speak properly and frequently, especially with other adults.

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SOME PARENTING SPECTRUMS Rules/Expectations Spectrum Involvement Spectrum

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Rules/Expectations Spectrum Authoritarian Authoritative Permissive

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Authoritarian Style Authoritarian Parenting Style Attributes Demands obedience Results in punishment Roles and expectations are rigid Children have little input Patriarchal style Children raised according to this style often: Are moody, unfriendly, unhappy Exhibit undesirable behaviors Have problems in social situations and in school

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Permissive Style Permissive Parenting Style Attributes Little structure, few rules Parents lenient toward misbehavior Children set the roles, rules and expectations Parents avoid conflict with children Punishment rarely used to enforce rules and expectations Children raised according to this style are often: Impulsive Aggressive Rebellious Underachieving

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Authoritative Style Authoritative Parenting Style Attributes Clear roles and expectations Children are allowed input Reason and authority used, but childs perspective is considered Parents monitor instead of rule Children raised according to this style often: Are energetic Exhibit self-reliance Strive to achieve

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Involvement Spectrum RejectingInvolved Over-Involved

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Rejecting Parenting Characteristics of Rejecting Parents Parent REJECTS the role of parenting Fails to pay attention to the childs needs Too involved meeting own needs and wants Children raised according to this style often: Feel unwanted Develop serious psychological problems Are underachieving

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Over-Involved Parenting Characteristics of Over-involved Parents Hovering (Helicopter Parent) Fail to allow child to make decisions or meet their own needs Interrupt childs ability to function independently Children raised according to this style are often: Dependent Anxious Underachieving

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Involved Parenting Characteristics of Involved Parents Balanced style Parents meet childs needs Allow child responsibility for age-appropriate self- care and personal growth Attentive to child Do not do for child what he/she is capable of doing for self Children raised according to this style often: Tend to be respectful of self and others Tend to have resourceful behavior

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QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS Approaches to Parenting

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ONE MODEL OF PARENTING A spectrum of roles

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Spectrum of Involvement ObserverConsultantManagerDirector Least Most Roles of a Parent

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Appropriateness of Parents Role Changes With the age of your child With safety/seriousness of given situation ObserverConsultant Manager Director Minor hassle...Major disaster

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ObserverConsultant Manager Director Least involved form of parenting Trust childs ability to handle given situation Most appropriate for competent kids with non-urgent problems Child learns within "safe" circumstances Sympathetic listening No unwanted advice, as long as circumstances remain "safe"

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ObserverConsultantManagerDirector Parent's advice may be accepted or rejected by child Use when child has some competence, but mistakes could be more seriously or permanently harmful to self or others Not appropriate when child doesn't have the option to reject advice Parent shouldn't repeat "advice" over and over Helpful to get child to "buy into" receiving advice beforehand Helpful to set the stage before offering advice

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ObserverConsultant Manager Director More intrusive parenting role Use when child needs step-by-step help with a problem or situation Allow child input in the problem-solving process and/or choices made Active listening is still important ObserverDirector This role may also involve the roles of Observer or Director at times

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Most intrusive form of parenting -- The Buck Stops Here Choose when: A problem is serious enough Safety is a major concern The problem directly and seriously violates someone else's rights Observer Consultant Manager Director

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Requires: Clear thinking Emotional self-control on your part Hard work Clear limits and clear consequences Use less frequently with older children ObserverConsultant Manager Director

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