Positive Parenting 4-2-11 IAR[1]
Transcript of Positive Parenting 4-2-11 IAR[1]
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Positive Parenting
4/2/10
Hasan A. Baloch, M.D.
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According to a May 1995 article
in Scientific American "The best
intervention and prevention of
delinquent and antisocial
behavior in children is theparent's involvement in a parent
education program that teachesmore consistent, less coercive
discipline techniques
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Ultimately the most powerful method of
influencing our childrens behavior is our
relationship with them.
You are your childs best teacher.
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I am persuaded that violent fathers
produce violent sons. I am satisfied thatsuch punishment in most instances does
more damage than good. Children dont
need beating. They need love andencouragement. They need fathers to
whom they can look with respect rather
than fear. Above all, they need
example.
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The Prophets Example
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "He is not of us who doesnot have mercy on young children, nor honor the elderly" Collectedby Al-Tirmidhi
I prayed along with Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) the firstprayer. He then went to his family and I also went along with himwhen he met some children (on the way). He began to pat thecheeks of each one of them. He also patted my cheek and Iexperienced a coolness or a fragrance of his hand as if it had beenbrought out from the scent bag of a perfumer. - Sahih Muslim Hadith5758
I served the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wasallam) for ten years, andhe never said to me, "Uf" (a minor harsh word denoting impatience)
and never blamed me by saying, "Why did you do so or why didn'tyou do so? Anas describing his childhood, Sahih Al-Bukhari
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The Prophets Example (cont.)
Allahs Messenger kissed Al-Hasan ibn `Ali while Al-Aqra` ibn Habis At-Tamim was sitting with him . Al-Aqra` said, I have ten children and havenever kissed one of them. The Prophet cast a look at him and said,Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully. (Al-Bukhari)
I never saw anyone who was more compassionate towards children than
Allahs Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him). (Muslim)The Prophet said, (It happens that) I start the prayer intending to prolong it,but on hearing the cries of a child, I shorten the prayer because I know thatthe cries of the child will incite its mothers passions. (Al-Bukhari)
Fear Allah and treat your children [small or grown] fairly (with equaljustice). (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)
"Command your children to pray when they reach the age of seven and hitthem if they leave it off when they reach the age of ten and separate themfrom each other in the beds. (Al-Bukhari)
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Why Kids Misbehave
MISBEHAVIOR
Child Family StressParent
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Child Factors
Temperament Reactivity to stimuli,
Attention Span, Abnormal Sleep Pattern
Physical Motor coordination, strength,
stamina, appearance
Development Impaired language,
delayed speech, low IQ., poor social skills
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Parent Factors
Temperament Easily angered vs.
eternally patient, Reacts to everything vs.
non-reactive
Emotional problems Parental depression
impairs the ability to adequately parent the
children
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Family Stress
Marital Discord
Financial Troubles
Tense relations with relativesDeath in the family
Chronic illness in the family
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Paying Attention
Best Boss vs. Worst Boss
Children like Adults respond to attention
They dont care what type of attention(negative or positive)
Develop a routine for positive attention
(special time for each child ~ 15 min. daily)
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Praising Compliance
catch your child being good
Children like adults respond to praise
Specific praise is ideal to shape behaviorEx: I like it when you do as I say
Ex: Mom really likes it when you pick up
your toys
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Give Effective Commands
Mean what you commandPresent it as a direct statement , NOT as a favor
Firm but not negative voice
Simple commands rather than multiple
Give adequate time for completion of 1st command
before 2nd.Make Eye Contact with your child (yelling across theroom less likely to work)
Reduce distracters from the environment (TV, stereo,playstation etc.)
Have your child repeat the command back whennecessary
Consider Chore Cards for extensive tasks like cleaninga bedroom
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Using Time-Out
Give a command
Count loudly backward from 5 (use only for a
few initial weeks of using this method)
If child has not complied, issue a warning
Warning method eye contact, raise voice to
louder than normal (not yelling), adopt a firmer
posture, and say If you dont do as I say, thenyou are going to sit in that chair
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Using Time-Out (continued)
After the warning, count down from 5
again.
If still no complianceYou did not do as I
say; now you are going to the chair
Escort the child by the upper arm or wrist
and place them firmly in the chair and say
You stay there until I say you can get up
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Using Time-Out (cont.)
Chair should be a straight back dinette
chair, placed in the foyer, dining room,
kitchen, or middle of the hallway
Place it away from the wall and away from
things the child could reach
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How long?
1-2 minutes per year of the childs age
Ex: 4 year old = 4 minutes
Once the time has elapsed, they must bequiet for a few moments
After the time-out they should do what
they were originally told to do or agree notto do the negative behavior they did
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Time-Out(cont..)
When the child is in the chair there is no
discussion or argument with the child
Siblings and the other spouse are not to
speak to that child during the time-out
Once the child complies with the
command the parent should tell the child I
like it when you do as I say
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Time-Out(cont..)
Certain times you do not need the warning
period Ex: Violation of household rules
(lying, hitting, cursing, etc) , Ex:
Complex tasks like cleaning the bedroom you can give the warning and command
at the same time
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Time-Out(cont..)
What if the child leaves the chair?
Return the child to the chair and give ONEwarning If you leave the chair again you will
have to go to your roomIf this is necessary the bedroom should beemptied of any enjoyable activities such as TV,games, playstation, etc..
Alternatives could be loss of larger things suchas going over to the friends house this week,watching TV, etc..
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Child Ploys
I need to go to the bathroom
I am sick
I am hungryAttempts to rock or tip over the chair
Claims he will not love you anymore
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Parental Mistakes
Not implementing time-out until veryangry, after having said the command overand over again
Letting the child control the timeStandard time for every infraction andevery age
Allow the child to barter out of time-out oragree to follow directions once he is beingtaken to time-out
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Summary
Parenting is a complicated process but
basically involves teaching and developing
a relationship
Children learn from verbal and nonverbal
teaching Also from what they are and
are not exposed to (experiences)
Do your best with what is under your
control
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Teenagers
Peer groups become more important
Most children do not rebel or act up in
teenage years
Most of them choose peer groups similar
to their families
Identity Development is one key task that
kids this age are engaged in.
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Peer Groups and Religion
Indonesian study, examining children age 13-15.
Changes in religiosity from year one to two were
associated with friends' religiosity such that
adolescents with religious friends were morereligious at year two than those with less
religious friends.
Reductions in religiosity were also associated
with the presence of problem behavior.
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Families and Sexuality
Cohesive family environments and positive peer
networks contribute to reduced levels of risky
sexual behavior among adolescents from
religious families.Parents who monitor their children's activities
and peer environments, engage their families in
regular activities and foster strong parent-child
relationships can help reduce risky sexualbehavior.
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Teenagers and Drugs
Risks Friends who use drugs, Girls
having male friends, high amounts of
unsupervised time, family conflict, low
levels of family involvement, male gender
Protective Strong parent-child
attachment, Parent disapproval of drug
use, Friends that dont use drugs.
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What to do if bad things
happen?Increase communication, talk about the
problem
Increase supervision drug testing, room
searches, no cell phone, limiting internet,
etc
Change the environment move, new
school, change after school activities.