WHAT’S POPPIN

in

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BREAKING NEWS: WOMEN & WOMEN FIRST

The rumors are true - there has

-

3456Q: According to authorities, you two and one other customer were inside the

Candace: Toni: I should never have turned my back on Candice, I knew that customer

Candice: rumors to make feminism look bad,

Toni, why are you even talking to this

Q: I’m sure being involved in something

describe the sheer horror of being in

Toni:

But you know how it is, Candice still gets mad whenever I give anyone else

she’ll follow through with those kinds of

Candice: No no, who do you think

to joke about, of course you, of all non-

Q:

rumors that you two may face charges

Candice: It only burnt down half the bookshelves and those books were old

#$'%789%3:%

When you’re ordering a latte, americano, cappucino, or any cool and sophisticated sounding drink, guess what? It’s not EXPRESSO...it’s espresso. get it right.

The Knot Store Blog/Review:By: Larry Stevens

Christmas is approaching, and if you are wrestling with what to give your significant other or loved one you need to go to The Knot Store on West Western Street. It was the talk of the town, and I must say I was a bit skeptical, but I went to The Knot Store with an open mind, and boy I’m glad that I went.

At the Knot Store, there is a knot for everyone. I went shopping for my fiancée, wanting to give her something original and with the upmost taste. As I entered The Knot Store I was blown away over all the options, and I must say a bit overwhelmed as to how to pick the perfect knot.

The storeowner, Alan, quickly made himself available to myself, promising to find the perfect knot. Throughout the eight-hours in which I shopped, Alan and myself narrowed the knots down to five choices:

1. The Heart Shinning Eagle Licking Dog Knot2. The Lily pad Overgrown Moss Knot3. The 8 Plus 2 Minus 17 With A Few Left Over Knot4. The Ispy Sexual Awakening Beaver Meeting a Toad

Knot5. The Sweetened Everlasting Nocturnal Eye Drop Knot

After another three hours of deliberating over the pros and cons of each Knot, I decided on the Ispy Sexual Awakening Beaver Meeting a Toad Knot. Pleased with my decision I rushed home to give my fiancée her gift. Turns out she didn’t like it. We broke up that night. I however encourage readers to go to The Knot Store so that you can experience the sensation that’s sweeping over Portland for yourself.

!"##$%&'(MAN MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARS IN FIRE.the bookstore Women and Women First refuse to identify the man or

close investigation and announce him

STOLEN LEATHER JACKET CAUSES SHOCK- Bad-vibe Barbara (known as such for only recycling her

came home from an exhausting

leather

jacket (she traveled far and wide, as

Five minutes after returning home,

her bad vibes or her insensitivity to

the thieves were mistaken in that the

POISONOUS PICKLING - Be fully

artifact of any kind on your own, leave

RESTAURANTS

obvious you’re not in just any

and to the left is the all-out garden, but the smell is what

really gives it an all-natural

of the room, the

each dish has a bio detailing where each ingredient came from in the garden, and how much time it will take to

dish you want involves meat, one must order it 3 hours in advance, and they shut down

and I enjoyed my meal in the

by my chicken’s relatives,

doesn’t get more natural, down

to the

REPPING

An Interview on The New Feminist Bookstore in Town

Q: First off thanks for meeting with me today. How are you both?

A: Candace: We were told that a female would be conducting the interview, so I’m just a little confused right now. Toni: I think it’s very inappropriate for you just to come in here and act like you can ask us whatever you want.

Q: Well… this is an interview. Um… I guess I’ll start off with where were you both born?

A: Candace: What kind of question is that you pervert? Toni: You should watch your tongue. Candace: You just wanna know about my mom’s Va jay jay, and I’m going to tell you anything that you want to hear, sir.

Q: Okay… well would you like to talk about your feminist bookstore?

A: Candace: Now there’s a question that I can answer. Toni: Now your talking. Candace: I’ve been a feminist ever since I was in Kindergarten. I was eating my White Bean and Mozzarella Sandwich out on the playground when suddenly this creature sat beside me, and told me that I had pretty hair. The creature was a boy, and I didn’t appreciate the compliment. Let’s just say he went to the hospital right after our little “conversation.” No one disrupts my meal, and he paid the price. As I grew up here in Portland I realized that there was no feminist

bookstore, and that was really disheartening. So I said I should just open one myself.

Q: Now Toni how did you meet Candace?

A: Toni: I meet Candace at a Vagina Speaks Convention. I had written a book, and I was speaking about it at the convention. After I spoke Candace came over to me, and told me that she wanted to sell my book in her feminist bookstore. I of course accepted under one condition; that I would be able to go into business with her. And it’s been such a beautiful, therapeutic, sensual blessing.

Q: Oh… okay. Um… How many customers roughly come in daily?

A: Candace: You know I’m really mad right now. So mad that I’m about grab two books and slam them on your face so hard that you fall down onto the ground, and then I’ll jump on your knees until they break. Toni: She isn’t kidding. I’ve seen her do that before.Candace: You just wanna scout out how many women come in here so that you can go at it with them.

Q: No I actually was just wondering how many-

A: Toni: Stop. I can’t to listen to this. You are nothing but a pig. I think it’s time for you to leave, Mr. Candace: I agree this interview is over.

Q: Oh… um… well thanks for meeting with me.

Across 6. A profession 7. Fear of long words 8. Country that has the most churches per square mile than any other country in the world. 9. Dog spelled backward is... 10. The sound that is made when both a dog and a cat speak at the same time 11. A male name 12. A country on the planet Earth 13. Rhymes with Bat 15. Kierkegaard An historical figure 16. ________ are the cause of 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide. 17. Dog spelled regular is...

Down 1. A number 2. The first state in the U.S. to have roadside picnic tables. 3. :) 4. A word 5. A band 14. Something that an elephant shares with a human 18. A female name

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Local Portland EventsCheck out upcoming

October 2013Brought to you by Portlandia local zine

MUSIC:• 10/4- Friday- Battle of

the Gentle Bands. Woodlawn Park. 2pm.

• 10/13- Saturday-• Catnap tour kickoff.

Bagdad Theatre. 8pm.• 10/16- Wednesday-

Amy Mann acoustic show. Fred & Carrie’s living room. 5pm.

• 10/26- Saturday- King Desmond & the Accelerators. Town Hall. 9pm.

ACTIVITIES:• 10/19-10/20

Allergy Pride Parade. Downtown.

• 10/23- Journaling Workshop. Women & Women First. 7pm.

Email us at events@portlandia.zine to have your local event be put on our monthly calendar!

Building communityAll of Portland is welcome to attend!

Answers:Across 6. IMAXScreenCleaner7. Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliaphobia 8. Jamaica9. God10. Roughow11. Thomas 12. Azerbaijan13. Cat 15. Søren 16. Buttocks Down 1. SixHundredandSeventyTwo2. Michigan 3. Smile 4. Varicotomy5. TedLeoandthePharmacists14. Head18. Ginger

CROSSWORD