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ACT I

Scene 1: Prologue

Fairy Liquid appears

FAIRY LIQUIDWelcome children young, and old,

To rural (county) where our tales to be told.

Tis I, Fairy Liquid, that's my name,

And telling stories is my game.

Stories including music, magic, mirth and frights

And of ofcourse lots of men in tights!

Would you say I'm looking splendor?

Ooooh - someone's already got tender.

If you've unwrapped your sweets - I'll begin

Today's panto, which is centred around a Queen and King,

Who had all one could desire,

A castle, a [Pop Star] statue - and there very own Gareth Malone choir.

But They had not a baby, whome they could watch grow,

No child to love and call their own.

So when the Queen fell pregnant they rejoiced with glee,

Soon after out popped the beautiful baby.

She was given the title "Princess Jill"

All lived happily until...

The Queen grew Ill and sadly died,

Everyone in the palace cried.

And if things couldn't get any worse,

The King received a giants curse...

Thunder and lightning, we hear the frightening voice of the Giant...

GIANT [V/O]Fee, Fi, Foe, Fum, I'll crush that King beneath my thumb,

Unless you bring me lots of money, that King will soon be in my tummy!

FAIRYThe people of (county) gave the Giant all their money,

If they didn't the Giant would, well, simply...

Burn their crops and gobble their children,

The tax was collected by a wicked Henchman.

A Henchman always causing an itch(change to rhyme),

Rude, booed and from Norwich (opposing place).

The Giant's Henchman was called Fleshcreep,

A horrid, world renowned irritating freak.

Pyrotechnic flash. FLESHCREEP appears.

FLESHCREEPYou call me a freak? That's asking for trouble,

So shut it Fairy froth, Fairy soap-sud, Fairy bubble.

I'm more than you could dream to be,

Intelligent, brave and sexy - that's me!

He laughs an over operatic evil laugh. The audience responds...

FLESHCREEPI get better boo's at Tesco's!

FAIRYJust go away, I'm telling a story,

Of Jack, our hero, and his search for glory.

FLESHCREEPJack is no match for Giant Blunderbore

FAIRYOh, really, we've heard that before.

FLESHCREEPI will prove you wrong, I'll win this war,

For no one matches up to my masters roar.

Thunder and lightning. We hear the thunderous boom of the Giant...

GIANT [O/S] Fee Fi Fo Fumm!

Fleshcreep laughs, spitefully. Provoking a reaction from the audience.

FLESHCREEP(To Audience) Ohh Boo all you like, but I'm better than you...

AUDIENCE & FAIRY(MAYBE STAGE CREW ASWELL)Oh no you're not!

FLESHCREEPOh Yes I am!

AUDIENCEOh no you're not!

FLESHCREEPOh Yes I am

AUDIENCEOh no you're not!

FLESHCREEPOh - who asked you lot!

FAIRYEnough Fleshcreep, could you kindly go,

So we can get on with this show

FLESHCREEPI'll speed the plot along for you no problem. Hahahaha...

My job as Henchman is to kidnap children,

For my masters tea.

I also collect money, this causes misery.

The Giant in the sky has wealth, strength and power,

That even mention of Blunderbore, causes local folk to cower.

Just Remember, I can cause serious pain,

And ones thing sure you’ll see me again!

Before I go I will make something quite clear,

I’m the one that you fear.

I will thwart your plans, and when I’m done,

I will start, having fun...

And (to audience) and turn my spite on all ofyou,

With that, foul fiends, I say adieu.

Hahahahaha!

He is gone

FAIRYSee what I mean, he’s rude and revolting,

But with your help we will send him bolting.

A suffolk lad, a brave young guy,

Will beat the giant in the sky.

We hear the background music, which is the opening song. It plays throughout the rest of the Fairy's dialogue...

Fleshcreep will never win this panto, as long as I'm here.

So dear guests, there’s nout to fear.

Now, I must be off - but not for too long,

So clap them hands and join in this song.

She is gone, in an instant we are in...

Scene Two: The Village Square

Staight into the song...

Jack & Jill are on stage

Song One: ALL RIGHT NOW (FREE)

The song ends.

JILLOh, Jack - I don't want to go back to the castle, It's so boring being couped up like a hen all day.

JACKYou were born into royalty, you shouldn't be complaining.

JILLBut my father's land is crumbling and he's raising taxes, under Blunderbores demand which means no one has any money. And everywhere stinks of wee.

JACKI know, but one day someone will do something about it.

JILLWho?

JACK(Pauses) Me!

JILLYou? Are you kidding me? You can't even stand up straight, let alone stand up to that Giant.

JACKJust you wait. I will.

JILLI'll believe that when I see it

Jack is left slight disheartend by this comment

JILLOhhh, I know you will, that is one of the many reasons that I love you.

Jill goes to kiss Jack, there is a PINK moment, but is interrupted by Fleshcreeps entrance

FLESHCREEP(sarcastically) Ahhh! Young love, isnt that adorable! Where's the sick bucket?

Jack pulls Jill behind him, in protection

JACK

Leave us alone Fleshcreep.

FLESHCREEPOhhhhhh... Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, oh wait, I forgot - you can't afford a bed! Hahahaha.

JILLWhat do you want, you wicked man?

FLESHCREEPWicked Man, eh? That's no way to speak to you're future husband.

JILLI will never marry you, d'you hear... never.

FLESHCREEPOh Jill, darling stop trying to be so clever.

JILLWho would want to marry you?

FLESHCREEPWell, you're father has stated on numerous occasions that you ARE to wed a rich man. And since I am the wealthiest man in the land...

JILLI would only marry for love.

FLESHCREEPAhh, how beautiful and poetic. Well if that's the case, then I guess taxes will be raised. Oh Jill you may act all innocent and coy but dont deny, you still love the baddest boy. I've seen that look inside your eye, youll love me...

JILLYeah, the day I die.

FLESHCREEPStop playing hard to get Jill, you'll regret it...

JACKShe'll never marry you - dont forget it.

Fleshcreep goes to 'touch' Jill, Jack stops him

JACKGet you're hands off her!

Fleshcreep laughs hysterically

FLESHCREEPOhh, this IS hilarious.

Jack threatens Fleshcreep

FLESHCREEPIf you so much as touch my radiant skin, I'll have the Giant deal with you...

We hear the Giant, the lighting flickers whilst he speaks

GIANT [V/O]Fee, Fi, Foe, Fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman,

Be he live or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread.

Jack & Jill cower

FLESHCREEPExactly what I thought. Pathetic, youre puny.

JILLGo away you stinking old looney.

FLESHCREEPFine, I would'nt want to upset the misses'

Oh Jill - my lips were made for kisses.

Hahahahaha

His evil laugh provokes a response from the audience

FLESHCREEPAnd you will treat me with the respect

The future King can expect,

When we next meet - you will see

That all of Suffolk will belong to me!

He is gone

JACKAre you okay?

JILLYeah

They go to kiss again, there is a PINK moment, but are interupted by the entrance of Dunn and Dusted

JACKWhy do we keep getting interrupted?

DUNNHis Royal Highness, Our sunshining monarch

DUSTEDYou mean Raining monarch?

DUNN...Our Reigning monarch, the Ceaser of Claydon, The Mint Imperial of Ipswich, The Sultana of Stowmarket, King Charles.

KINGIts me! Its me! I am you're king.

In the space of two seconds he has gotten into the famous Presley pose to the accompaniment of a strum on an electric guitar

Aheeem, excuse me (To Jack) could you get you're hands of my daughter please!

The King 'takes' Jill

JILLDad!

KINGJill, you should let filthy peasants near you, especially relatives of Dame Taffy (does speech mark gestures)"Tacky" Trott

JILLDad!

JACKCharming

KINGI just think you should be careful who you "hang" with

JILLDad, this speech marks thing is not cool.

KINGAre you listening to me

JILLYes, but I don't agree with what youre saying.

KINGHow unfortunate.

JILLI thought you'd be at the palace preparing for my birthday celebrations?

DUSTEDWe've all been dashing all day, haven't we Dunn?

DUNNYes Dusted

KING(To Dusted) Did you do the dishes?

DUSTEDI did

KING(To Dunn) And the drains are they?

DUNNDirty?

KINGNo

DUSTEDDisgusting?

KINGNo

DUNNDyno-Rodded?

KINGNo

DUSTEDDemolished

KINGNo! Dont be a dimwit! Are they disinfected?

DUNNWe got that done.

KING

You did?

DUNN AND DUSTEDWe did

KINGYou definetely did?

DUNN AND DUSTEDWe definetely did

KINGAnd the diamonds...

JILL(Excited) Diamonds?!

KINGAre they...

DUSTEDThe diamonds have been dusted

DUNNThe Drawbridge decorated

DUSTEDThe dungeons done up

DUNNThe dog de-odorised.

DUSTEDThe doiles darned

KINGDelightful! Oh and did you dunk the doughnuts?

Dunn and Dusted look at eachother

DUNN AND DUSTEDWe're sorry

KINGOh you dipsticks

The king hits Dunn & Dusted with his truncehon

Apporoaite sound affects

KINGYou dumbells

Hits again

KINGYou dunces

Hits again

Dunn and Dusted are on the floor.

DUNNI see stars

JACKNot in this panto mate.

The rest of the cast cheers

DUSTEDDodo, I dink were not in Dansas anymore.

KINGGet up!

Dunn supports a 'spineless' Dusted

KINGOff to the Palace! There is still much to do.

Dunn makes a meal out of dragging Dusted off

JILLDad, there was no need to be so rude

KINGExcuse me? In public I shall be adressed as The King

Same Presley beat

JILLSorry.

King goes to leave, dragging Jill

KINGAnd Jack...

JACKYes?

KINGPlease inform your mother that unless she pays her taxes shes out.

JACKYes King.

KINGCome along Jill

King drags Jill off, we hear the start of the next song

JACKBye Jill

JILLBye Jack

Straight into...

SONG: I WAS MADE TO LOVE HER or ISNT SHE LOVELY (Stevie Wonder)

or

SONG: UPTOWN GIRL (Billy Joel)

or

SONG: EVERY LITTLE THING SHE DOES IS MAGIC (The Police)

or

SONG: I CANT HELP MYSELF (Four Tops)

Jack is gone

We hear the distant beating of a drum

Its grows louder

Lonney Louis enters banging a drum, completely oblivious to the audience

He adopts a routine clearly practised at some sort of Scout club. He puts the drum down.

LOUISLine Up. From the left...

He moves across the stage, becoming more people, as he shouts the numbers

LOUISOne, Two, Three, Three, Three, Three, Three, Three...

He has got himself stuck. He smacks himself round the back of his head

LOUISThree, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten!

He has a conversation with himself, and an imaginary Scout Leader. When he speaks as the leader his voice goes lower.

LOUISBlast off. Looney Louis can you not say blast off. But marching is so boring sir. I dont care Louis. I'm just fat, bald and boring.

He rolls about on the floor laughing

He spots the audience.

He is embarrassed

LOUISOh, huh, I, erm, didnt see you guys there. I bet you think I'm really weird dont you?

Audience Response

LOUISI just that I dont have many friends...

Audience ahhs

LOUISIts much sadder than that

Audience ahh

LOUISIts even more sole-destroyingly sorrowfully sadder than that

Audience ahhs

LOUISEveryone thinks I'm psychotic, except for the friends in my head.

Y'know do you want to be my friends?

Audience responds

LOUISDo you?

Audience Responds

LOUISWell if you do then you are all gonna have to join my gang (adopting gangster pose) D'you git me? Everytime I come on I will shout "Hiya Gang!" and you will all shout back "Hiya Louis" do you think you can manage that? You dont sound too convinced. I think we need to practise. Ok...

He trots off stage theatrically to drum accompaniment

He reappears

LOUISHiya Gang!

AUDIENCEHiya Louis!

LOUISIs anyone out there? Come on guys dont leave me looking like the village idiot (pause for effect) Lets try again.

He does the same trot with the same accompaniment

LOUISHiya Gang!

AUDIENCEHiya Louis!

LOUISBetter, but the sausage's out there are not joining in. Oh, no, sorry, not sausages, what do you call thoose wrinkly things on sticks, oh - old people. The old people are not joining in are they?! One more time.

Same trot with accompaniment

LOUISHiya Gang!

AUDIENCEHiya Louis!

LOUISYeh! You are officially now all in my gang and may pat yourselves on the back awkwardly whilst I stare

at you (Does an awkward stare). Right, now we're all chums I can let you in on a secret.

He looks around

LOUISYou cant trust no one around (Town name), I can tell you. My secret is... I'm an inventor. Do you want to see my latest invention? Do you? Well here it conveniently is (he picks up the drum) It tells the time. Do you believe me? (To audience member) Will you ask me for the time madam?

She does so, hopefully

LOUISWell I may not have a watch on me, We many not be near a church clock but thanks to the super duper brains of Looney Louis I will be able to find out the time, especially for you, you beautiful madam.

Louis bangs on the drum loudly

From a slit in the side wall of the theatre/wings a villager pokes his head out

VILLAGERWhose banging that drum at half nine in the morning?

LOUIS(To audience member) Its 9:30 Madam.

Villager is gone.

I think that's pretty smart don't you.

Louis rolls the drum across the stage

(Pointing to rolling drum) Drum role! I say guys, we are in a real pickle in (place name) this month aren't we? Not only did (INSERT LOCAL GAG ABOUT FOOTBALL/TOPICAL BAD TOWN NEWS) but the Giant is getting meaner by the day. Last week he pooped on me! I was just minding my business when I was struck down by a sticky poo! Can you believe Giants these days? Blunderbore is raising taxes and weeing on our cows! Talking of cows I found out their is a cow at The Houses of Parliament, its called system, everyone tries to milk it.

Joke clash

Louis finds his joke so funny it causes him to fart

Fart SFX

He is embarrased

LOUISI'm sorry! Thats reminded me... Why couldnt the skelton fart in public? Because it had no guts! Its no wonder I'm single - what with these awful jokes. Thats what most upsets me; everyone else is happy in love and theres me - telling jokes about farts.

The intro from the next song softy plays

I dont know - maybe one day I'll fall in love and find the perfect someone. Maybe.

The volume of the music increases

And if thats not a cue for a song I dont know what is!

Straight into...

SONG THREE: DREAM LOVER (Bobby Darrin)

At the end of the number Billy is gone and Fairy Liquid appears

FAIRYSo Fleshcreep has taken a liking to Jill,

Don't fret with the help of my good will,

Jack will get the girl, just like he should,

And bad will be beaten by the strengths of good.

The King (we hear the electric guitar strum) has taken a disliking to Jack,

Just because in finances he lacks,

But that doesnt mean his heart isnt worth gold,

The heart of Jill he always shall hold.

You've just met Louis, in the town centre,

He fancies himself as an inventor.

So maybe he'll invent something that can left us fly,

Up above - up in the sky.

And we will find ourselves in Blunderbores lair.

We can slay the giant, and reclaim our share,

Of the money he has stolen from the state,

Then we all can celebrate.

I must dash; I've got to plan,

But I'll leave you in the hands of this wacky woman!

She is gone

Straight into the next song...

Dame enters

SONG FOUR: MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN (Shania Twain)

To end the song she jumps on the floor

After the song she attempts to get up

The following speech can be edited for topical/better gags

Ad-lib where approaite

DAMEWoman down!

She struggles to get up,

She farts

DAMEThat takes me back! Ohhh, I beg your christmas puddin' you lovely people. My my, do or die, apple pie how embarrassing! What must you lovely people, the only lovely people in this dirty, disgusting, desolate land of despair and depression think of me?! Y'know I've been through it all me, my parents left me and my sister Susan alone from a young age. One man's rubbish is another man's treasure is an awesome phrase, But it's a horrible way to tell your child they're adopted. A few years later my sister Susan, well she was taken into CUSTARDy; that was a

TRIFFLING matter I can tell you. MERINGUE the police but to no avail, I said - wait for it - TIRAMISU (Tara Me Sue). When Susan was gone I was all alone. All the other children used to drown me in whipped cream and cover me in cherries; it was a tough life growing up in the gateaux. After I escaped my painful childhood I met my first love, but he came to a sticky end. (Starts sobbing) He feel down a wishing well...

Audience ahh's

Oh no, don't feel sorry for me - I didn't know they worked! I've had 16 husbands. I know 16! I've been busy! Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse. After my first love passed I met another man, and he used to make me watch 6 movies back to back every weekend - luckily I was the one facing the front!

Joke clash

He was the first man I married, and Its safe to say we had a football marriage, every 45 minutes one of us would kick off! My second husband used to work in the goverment - he would stop anyone opening emails about tinned meat, reckoned it was spam! (INSERT POLITICAL JOKES) See this is a very political panto, not all the jokes rely on fart sound effects! Me next three husbands passed away as well, the first one died from mushroom poisoning, the second one died from mushroom poisoning, and the third one fell off (local bridge) because he wouldnt eat the mushrooms! I always say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach; I could tell you the way out if you want - but its very graphic! I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but most of my husbands didnt want to go swimming. And today, Dame Taffy Trott is looking for love again! She is hoping to find the man of her dreams tonight! Can we have the house lights up please...

House lights up

Oooh! What a collection! (She admires individual men in the front row) Ooooh you're lovely, and youre lovely, (pause) alright, and you... (Finds audience member) are mine!!

She press her hand on and off her heart with heart thumping sound effect, the sound effect turns into Strip dance music - she dances in

front of the man (remaining on the stage) the music comes to an abrupt end...

She gets out a plastic bun...

(To Audience member) Sticky bun?? (Pause) Ohh - arent you the perfect specimen of man hood! You're making my mouth go dry just looking at you. What's your name?

Audience man responds, hopefully. Name example: PETE

Pete, your name just bounces of the tonsils doesn't it! And where are you from Pete? Sorry? I heard you the first time I'm just sorry!

Ad-libs

Even though I haven't had much luck with men I've had a smashing acting career. I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while i was a head. My local drama group wanted me to play Tin Man in the 'Wizard of Oz' But I had to, sadly, decline. My heart wasn't in it. Come to think of it they were the same company who asked to play a dwarf in the local pantomime but I'm not going to belittle myself.

Well it looks like I shall forever be a widow. Oh times are tough, The Giant is taking everything. All I have left are my two sons Jack and Looney Louis and ofcourse my prize cow Daisy. I did used to have a heard of cows but they all went on Loose Women (or other DayTime Womens show). Oh what is a widow to do! There are only so many Womens Institue meetings a girl can handle, no money, no food and no running water. Oh woe, woe, thrice again woe. What have I become? Just to think I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in. Those bailiffs of the King (Same electric guitar strum) are due soon - I cannot pay the rent, the bills, the taxes - If you see the bailiffs will you let me know??

Audience Responds

Thanks! Ever since my last hubby left I've become a wreck. Last week I resorted to going in (Local Cheap Superstore) and I tell you what an experience, I was jostled and jumbled, fumbled and rumbled. I'm going again tomorrow!

Dunn and Dusted (now in Bailif costumes) enter, without the notice of The Dame

[Insert Local Gag]

Y'what? The Bailiffs? Where are they? Behind me? I best take a look...

She walks around the Bailifs who follow her

You're pulling my leg!

She pulls her own leg

Fart SFX

What has it been 5 minutes and already another fart gag. Who writes this rubbish?

DUNNOh Taffy Tacky Trott, you're always causing a stink.

DAMEOhhhh! Its you! I beg your Christmas pudding.

(To Audience - Pointing at Dunn's face) Now girls, Isn't that a face only a mother could love? Dunn...

DUNNWhat

DAMEI never forget a face. But in your case I'd be prepared to make an exception.

DUSTEDWe are here for the tax.

DAMEBut - I havent got any money. I'm sorry.

DUNNThen you leave us no choice

DAMEYou dont mean? You cant mean?! You cant throw us out on the dark dingy, scary slimy streets, me and my somber sons will have no place to rest our bruised buttocks, we will have to sleep under the stars (encourages audience's sympathy) Its sadder than that!

Audience Ahh's

DUSTEDWe'll have less of your ahh's please

DAMEWhat about Pete, he's got lovely ahhs?

DUNNWell, whose problem is that. Cerentaily not ours. Youve had months to pay and the King (guitar strum) is fed up of waiting.

DUSTEDPay up.

Dame points at Dunns face

DAMENow thats more like it, isnt it girls? I knew his father - he was a plumber - carried a torch for him for years.

DUNN(Shouting) This is not a time for jokes.

DAMEAlright, alright. I guess I'll have to sell my prized possession, my commendale, cool as a cucumber, classy cow - Daisy.

We hear a distant moo offstage

DUNN(To Dame) I didn't know you could moo aswell, you really are an animal arent you.

Pause

DAMEI'll treat that comment with the respect it deserves

The dame emotionally breaks down on the floor

The scene becomes a bit more dramatic, lines delivered with a more touching feel.

Is there no sympathy for a woman who has fallen on hard times? I didn't ask to be poor.

DUSTEDWe're not going anywhere - we expect...

DAME

Okay. Okay. I'd appreciate some time to say goodbye to my cow.

DUNNWe will be back tomorrow. And we mean tomorrow.

DAMEThankyou

Dunn and Dusted leave

DAME(To Audience) We'll this scene got a bit poignant, all of a sudden didn't it! We went from trumping to turmoil. Oh those dastardly Dunn and Dusted. I guess I'm going to have to part with Daisy. Oh where is she anyway?

We hear a distant moo again

DAMEWhere has she got to?

She runs to the back of the stage, facing the back of the stage and shouts for Daisy

She does the same for the left and right side of the stage

She faces the audiences and glances for too long

No, no cows out there. A few dogs perhaps, but not daisy. (To Audiece) You're going to have to help me guys - on 3 can you all shout for Daisy? One, Two, Three...

Daisy comes strutting on stage, the Dame is in shock

What? We normally have to shout more the once you stupid animal! You've ruined the Christmas pantomime for everyone!

~ DAME MILKING COW SKIT, WITH STOLL AND BUCKET ~

Jack and Louis come strolling on

LOUISHiya Gang

AUDIENCEHiya Louis

LOUISWhat are you doing with Daisy mum?

DAMEIm afraid I have some bad news?

JACKWhat? Has [FOOTBALL GAG]

LOUISNo! Has [LOCAL TOPICAL GAG]

DAMENo, something much worse!

JACK[ANNOYING TV SHOW] has got another series?!

Louis cries on Jacks arm

LOUISPlease dont tell me [ANNOYING TV SHOW] has got another series.

DAMEStop it, you two idiots. We're going to have to sell Daisy.

Dramatic pause

Jack's voice crakcs

JACKYou still havent paid the rent have you.

DAMEI'm sorry son

Louis sulks

DAMEIs there anything I can do Louis?

LOUISLeave me alone

DAMEOk.

Dame goes to walks off

JACK(Dragging her back) Mum.

DAMEGo take her to market Jack, and fetch a good price for a good animal.

Dame and Cow exchange goodbye's

DAMEIt's time Jack...

Straight into...

SONG FIVE: HIT THE ROAD JACK (Ray Charles)

Sung by the actor musicians

During the song the Dame kisses the Cow many times, comically

On the last note of the song the Dame kisses the cow as BLACKOUT

All have exited as Fleshcreep appears

FLESHCREEPYes - the moment you've been waiting for,

The return of me, Fleshcreep, who you adore.

The Trotts have gotten themselves in a sticky situation,

I cant blame them really, what with this current tax inflation.

I'm on the search for my masters dinner, the Giant wants his tea,

A child, animal, mineral, vegetable, what today will it be?

Or maybe, that cow: for it is the truth,

The master's tea on a hoof!

How delicious, how scrummy,

Daisy will be in Blunderbores tummy.

Oh how I love to cause distress,

This panto will soon be in a mess.

I'll have everything I want, and you'll obey me,

Think of all the tax you'll pay me.

I'll get the cow, the girl, the fame,

And you'll learn to worship my name.

Hahahahhaha!

Audience Boos

Oh booho, don't be sad,

You cant beat me; I'm just too bad

Straight into...

SONG SIX: TROUBLE (Elvis Presley)

Jack appears with Daisy

And now I'll adopt a disguise,

The cow will be served with fries!

He pulls his cape down and hides his hat

JACKDaisy, I'm exhausted.

Daisy moo's

Fleshcreep adopts a different voice

FLESHCREEPOh, young man, is this creature for sale?

What a cow, what a rump, (Fiddling with Daisy's tail) what a tail.

Daisy cowers and shaked

JACKDaisy calm down,

(To Fleshcreep) Yes Daisy's for sale, at the cost of 5 crowns.

FLESHCREEPA very good price, does she produce good dairy?

JACKVery good dairy, and comes with 1 years MOT.

FLESHCREEP

MOT?

JACKMilk on tap.

FLESHCREEPCan I buy her off you, young chap?

Daisy shakes her head and cowers

JACKDaisy, dont act so uncontrolled,

FLESHCREEPShe's probably very cold

JACK(To audience) Shall I sell Daisy to this nice old man?

Audience responds

Shall I?

Audience responds

Pardon?

JACKVery well, she's your's for five

FLESHCREEPThank you chap, I will make sure to strive

To give your cow wonderful care

As promised, here is your share.

Fleshcreep hands Jack a small sachel

JACKGoodbye Daisy.

Daisy Moo's

FLESHCREEPThank you,

Come along Daisy, Come with me

And will will live happily

JACK

Bye

Jack and Daisy exchange finale glances, Jack leaves

Fleshcreep pulls his cape over his shoulder again, and puts his hat on again

Daisy Moo's

FLESHCREEPShut it, you smelly old thing.

Now I must find a way to bring,

You, up to the sky,

The master will eat you in a pie

Daisy shakes

Fleshcreeps laughs an operatic laugh

FLESHCREEPI've got the cow, Thing's are going my way

(To audience) You'll all be beaten by today!

He and Daisy exits

Jill appears followed by a running Jack

JILLJack...?

JACKJill. Look what I've got -

JILLGot, what have you sold?

JACKDaisy, and for a bag of gold.

JILLWhy would you sell Daisy?

JACKWe couldnt pay the rent.

JILLA bag of gold you say, give me a look?

Jack hands Jill the bag of gold

JILLIs this a joke, its not that funny Jack.

JACKWhat?

JILLThere's no gold in here.

JACKThere is look...

He takes the bag, to see the beans

JILLBeans.

JACKWhat?! No no, I sold Daisy for a bag of gold.

JILLJack. You have been conned.

JACKNo. There was gold

He pinches himself

JILLMy fathers right.

JACKWhat?

JILLYou really are stupid

JACKIm not, am I?

JILLYou sold your only possesion for beans.

The rest of the scene is Dramatic,

Lines delivered slower, and longer gaps between lines

JACKI didnt mean

JILLWhy didnt you look in the bag before you just handed Daisy to some random stranger.

JACKWhat is my mother going to say?

JILLMy father is going to have to evict you

JACKCant you explain to him...

JILLNo Jack. I cant cover for you anymore. I've spent my whole childhood covering for you and your stupid family, I have had enough; You are a fool. Dad's right, we're different people, we come from different backgrounds.

JACKBut I love you, And I was going to slay the Giant

JILLYou could never slay Blunderbore: That was all childhood stuff, grow up. I'm sorry Jack, I didnt mean to shout

JACKIm sorry

JILLI'm sorry to, I cant do this...

JACKWhat are you trying to say?

JILLGoodbye Jack

JACKBut I love you, you are the only thing I have left in the world

JILLIm sorry, I just expect too much from you.

JACKJill, you're not thinking this through -

JILLI am. I have. Its whats best - for both of us

JACKBut you still love me

Dramatic pause

JILLGoodbye Jack

Jill exits

SONG SEVEN: WITHOUT YOU (Harry Nilsen)

Dame enters

DAMEOh Jack! I've been watching from the wings. How heartbreaking. How moving. ITV don't know what they're missing with this story.

JACKMum. Its not a time for jokes. Anyway she had a good reason for leaving.

DAMEWho could leave mummy's little boy... And what reason did she have? Ohhh, and more importantly, what price did you get for Daisy?

Jack hands Dame the bag of beans

JACKBeans.

DAMEYou what?

JACKI told you I am stupid

DAMEYou sold my prized possession, my commendale, cool as a cucumber, classy cow Daisy for a bag of bloomin' beans?! You stupid -

She throws one bean on the floor

DAMEYou silly -

She throws another bean on the floor

DAMEYou waste -

Throws bean

DAMEYou nuisance -

Throws bean

DAMEYou. YOU!! You really are a stupid child, a waste, Looney Louis would have done a better job. What are we going to do now Jack. What? STUPID CHILD!

She storms off, and comes back on

DAMEOhhh, and -

Throws final bean

She storms off and comes back

DAMEGo to bed

Storms off and on

DAMEWith no supper

JACKIm sorry mum.

DAMETO BED!

Jack exits

DAMEOh darn! What is this depressed dame in distress to do?! No cow, two stupid sons, and a run-down house. Oh lord! It must sleep, its nearly dark -

The lighting suddendly turns dark blue

DAMEOk, It is dark. Night all.

She exits

Fairy appears

FAIRY LIQUIDOh dear, things are turning tragic,

Their badly in need of Fairy Liquids magic.

I've been working, and beyond my means,

To come up with a plan

Pause

I know! The beans!

Hahaha - Whilst they all sleep

I'll create a beanstalk that will creep,

Up to the sky, up in the air,

And into Blunderbore's dingy lair.

Jack will climb the stalk - and beat the Giant,

And he will reign defiant.

Oh, for years I havent been this excited,

Im sorry if my plan sounds quite far sighted!

Victory will soon be ours,

Thanks to the help of my magical powers.

Straight into...

SONG EIGHT: HO HO HO ITS MAGIC (Pilot)

Towards the end of the song the Beanstalk grows.

Blackout

Fairy exits

We hear birds whistling

Dame, in fluffy white Dressing gown appears with a shotgun at the wing slits - she shoots towards the auditorium. Feathers are dropped from a lighting box or catwalk.

She turns around, facing away the audience and sees the Beanstalk

We hear footsteps

She rushes out of her door

She fients, loud sound effect

This wakes Louis

LOUISAhhh!

We hear footsteps

Louis enters, in Pyjamas

LOUISHiya gang

AUDIENCEHiya Louis

LOUISSomeone has dropped a bomb! What was that gigantic thud -

DAMENo need to be rude

Louis sees the Beanstalk

He feints, thud sound effect

This wakes Jack

JACK (OS)Ahhh!

We hear footsteps

He enters

JACKWhat was that loud bang?

He sees the Stalk

JACKHoly, moly! A beanstalk!

Pause

JACKMum, I dont think I am stupid. Thoose beans were magic -

We hear the trot of King, Dunn and Dusted

Dunn and Dusted, now dressed in their non-bailif costumes




KINGI am you're king.

Same strum and pose

DAMEExcuse me - This is pivotal panto plot moment, and does not need to be interrupted by -

KINGShush. Something awfull has happend...

LOUIS[Local gag]

KINGNo -

JACK[Local Jack]

KINGNo! Fleshcreep has kidnapped Jill...

JACKWhat?!

DUNN AND DUSTEDFleshcreep has kidnapped Jill...

DAMEHe heard you the first time you dimwits

She hits them with sfx

You dumbells

Hits with sfx

You douches

Hits with sfx

KINGPlease stop messing around. This is a serious matter.

LOUISWhat are we going to do?

Pause

JACKI'm going to climb the beanstalk.

KINGBeanstalk, what Beanstalk?

LOUISIts behind you...

King, Dunn & Dusted turn around in Unison, They all feint

JACKI'm going to climb the Beanstalk. I will rescue Jill and slay Blunderbore.

DAMEYou will do no such thing -

JACKYou watch me! Mum, go inside and get my bag, Louis go get my coat!

LOUISYes sir!

DAMEJack, you're not thinking -

LOUISMum!

DAMEFine

Dame and Louis exit

Fairy Liquid appear, The King, Dunn and Dusted are still unconsious on the floor

JACK

Who are you -

FAIRYI'm Fairy Liquid - thats who.

And It was my magic that made that Beanstalk grow.

You'll find treasure up there, not here below.

Rescue Jill - she's imprisoned in Blunderbore's lair,

For Fleshcreep has taken her there.

JACKBut it could be dangerous and not the mention scary,

Even though I have the help of a Fairy.

During this The King, Dunn and Dusted has obliviously wandered off

FAIRYOh Jack, loose your inhabition,

Were almost at the intermission.

Go on Jack, win this story,

Get the girl and claim the glory.

JACKThank you - and Goodbye,

Off I go, to the sky.

FAIRYYou can talk the talk and walk the walk,

Hurry Jack - up that Stalk!

Straight into...

SONG NINE: ITS A LONG WAY TO THE TOP (ACDC)

The song comes to a loud, strong, end

End of ACT ONE.

ACT TWO

Up In The Sky

Short opening song, by the actor musicians...

SONG: SPIRIT IN THE SKY

The short song comes to an end

In a flash Fairy Liquid appears

FAIRYTis I, Fairy Liquid - welcome back to our show,

I hope you dont have vertigo -

For we are now way up in the sky,

Waiting for Jack to come on by.

Up the stalk he has been fleeing,

Whilst you've all been busy peeing.

Now - we find ourselves outside the Giants Lair,

A place lerking with danger, so folks beware.

Fleshcreep has kidnapped Jill,+

And has her improsined until,

They tie the knot, yes - their getting wed,

Although Im sure Jill would rather be dead,

Than be forced to be married that stinking old loon,

So we wait for Jack to appear soon,

And rescue Jill from the spooky old vault -

Then afterwards the Giant he can assult,

And stab, and punch, and thump and slay -

Jack and Jill will then tear away,

Down the stalk, down the height,

And then everything will turn out bright.

We hear the Giant's voice

GIANT [V/O]Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum,

Do I spot an englishman?!

And do I smell a tasty old Fairy,

Mmmm - where did I put my culinary?!

FAIRYGosh - I must dash, I dont want to be eaten by Blunderbore -

Oh why couldn't things be peaceful - how I hate this war...

SONG: WAR (WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR)

Sung by Actor Muscians and Fairy

Mid way through the song Jack appears

The song/scene changes into Jill's prison vault

Fairy and Jack exit

SONG: RESCUE ME (I want you in my arms)

Mid way through Rescue Me - SPLITSTAGE, Jack enters

WAR and RESCUE ME interchange

The song ends powerfully on "War!"

Jack dashes off

At the end of the number Fleshcreep appears

He carries a veil

FLSHCREEPJill, Darling what do you think of this veil?

JILLI'm not marrying you, you horrid male.

FLESHCREEPYou are! And there's nothing you can do to stop it

JILLWho would want to marry you, you're ugly, repulsive and you stink of poo -

FLESHCREEPOh no I dont!

JILL

Oh yes you do!

Beat

FLESHCREEP(To audience) Oh shut it you!

JILLJust you wait, Jack will rescue me

FLESHCREEPI assure you he won't, just wait and see.

JILLPretty Please, Fleshcreep, just let me go -

FLESHCREEPLet me think about that - No!

JILLI promise you that Jack is near

FLESHCREEPAnd what if he is? He'll never find you here.

If Jack appears, I'll seal his fate,

And serve him up on my masters plate.

Now I must go and prepare Daisy,

Without food my master will go crazy -

And in a few hours you and me

Will be married - and live merrily

He laughs evilly, provoking a response from the audience

(singling out audience member) Its not Halloween - take that ugly mask off!

He is gone

JILLOh Jack - I thought you would of been here by now -

I was stupid to let you go, but I know you still love me.

Jill gets upset

Jill sings a few bars of

SONG: Rescue Me

but in a slower, less Motown'y way.

She is accompanied only by the Piano

The reprise is very short

We are now back in the clouds, with Jack

JACK(Shouting, looking around) Jill, Jill. (To Audience) Have you seen Jill? Have you? Well where is she then? Where? In a Prison? Did Fleschreep take her there?

AUDIENCEYes

JACKHonestly guys, you know the script better than I do!

What a climb that was. I havent had a bicep workout like that in years. But I didnt expect the Giants lair to be so high up - all that is stopping me from falling to the ground is this thin, airy layer of marshmallowy cloud. Keep calm Jack.

We hear a distant moo

Hang on a minute - (To Audience) Was that Daisy?!

Was it? So I sold Daisy to Fleshcreep, how could I have been so idiotic. Now - To Rescue Jill, Daisy and slay the Giant - what an exciting life I lead!

Fairy appears

JACKIt's you again. Look I made the climb -

FAIRYOh Jack, I've I caught you just in time.

Fleshcreep has Jill locked in his prison lair,

So you must go and find her there.

Then Blunderbore you must defeat

And save Daisy, before she's dished up as meat.

JACKDo you really think I can beat him?

FAIRYWith this lots (indicating audience) help you will defeat him

It'll give me bundles of pleasure,

When I see you slay him - and knick his treasure.

JACKWhat - Will I find lots of gold?

FAIRYYes - so seize the moment Jack, be bold.

JACKThankyou, goodbye.

Jack exits

FAIRYOh and Goodluck!

They grow up so fast!

She is gone

The Dame climbs up from the top of the Beanstalk, she is dressed in an extravagant outfit, fit for dangerous situations - she enters with Rescue mission music

DAMEBlimey, I cant believe I made it! I bet you didnt recognize me did you Pete?! You've been sat down there sucking on a hard boiled sweet whilst I've been pulling myself up a bloomin Beanstalk. I was expecting you to appear with a rope and yank me up - but no you decided flicking through your programme during the interval was more important than helping me - honestly Pete.

Blimey, the Giant's lair looks pretty horrid doesn't it. I haven't seen something so dingy since I last entered [Local shop].

She sits down

Im exhausted after that climb! I must recouperate.

She picks up a giant Beanstalk leaf and fans herself,

The leaf has audience party/birthday name's on it

Hang on a sec - whats this?! A list - of special people we have in tonight

Reads names and gets audience members to cheer, etc

And now who is the loudest

Reads family names

Whole theatre

Audience cheers

Pete?

Pete cheers

Now I cant dilly, dally, dwardle or delay, I must dash and find mummy's little boy - sweetie pie Jack. I do hope he isn't in any danger. My mission has officaly begun!

She runs off in a superman pose, to the same rescue mission, 007 style, music

She is gone

We are now in Jill's prison vault

She sleeps

Jack appears

JACKJill! I've finally found you!

Through the prison bars he prods Jill

JACKOh god she's dead! Jill please!

Jill wakes

JACKOh thankgod, I thought you had died, but you're just sleeping.

JILLJACK! You're here, I knew you'd come and rescue me - I'm so sorry Jack for leaving you like I did, I -

They kiss through the bars

JACKSsssh. Are you okay?

JILLApart from being handcuffed Im fine. Get me out of here!

JACKI'm sorry - I should of protected you better. How do I get you out of this prison?

He shakes the bars

You're locked in, huh - it's like a bush tucker trial this aint it?

JILLWhat?! Dont Joke Jack, Fleshcreep has locked me in this prison, and he has the key

JACKWhere is he?

JILLHe's gone to kill Daisy, The Giant is going to eat her -

JACKWhat?

JILLYou are going to have to find her, and fast

JACKBut I cant leave you -

JILLJack, time is short. Just find Daisy and come back here - before... before...

JACKBefore what?

JILLFleshcreep marries me - There's nothing I can do about it

JACKAlright, alright. Stay safe Jill...

Jack goes to dash off...

JILLJack..

JACKWhat?

JILLI still love you.

JACKI love you too.

Jack dashes off

The lights flicker, there are thunderous booms

We are now in the heart of the Giants lair,

The Giant walks across the stage

GIANTFee Fi Foe Fum,

I smell the blood of an Englishman.

I also smell a cow - mmmm some proper meat,

And I detect some children - what a treat!

He exits

Dame appears, running, she is out of breathe

DAMEJack! Jack! Where are you?! I've been looking for you for hours - I'm absolutely exhausted. This is spooky isnt it, I havent been this scared since [Local/Politcal/Football gag] Honestly, I need 40 winks - but what if something spooky, or even worse the Giant appears? Will you tell me? Will you? Oh great. Nighty night...

She sleeps, the Giant runs across the stage.

GIANTFee Fi Foe Fum

The audience should be shouting,

The Dame wakes

The Giant is gone

DAMEI was in the middle of sleeping - what was that shouting for? The Giant? There was not a Giant was there? Oh no there wasn't.

Beat

Right, well if you see the Giant again, shout even louder to alert me. Night Night

She sleeps

The Giant appears again

GIANTFee Fi Foe Fum

I smell the blood of an English boy's Mum!

He is gone

Audience shouts

Dame awakes

DAMEWhat was it this time? Don't give me that! There wasnt the Giant; You're pulling my leg arent you...

She pulls her own leg

Fart SFX

DAMEWe did that gag in Act One! Well I dont believe you!

The Giant appears behind the Dame

If the Giant was there you would of shouted louder.

What? The Giants behind me? Oh no he isnt.

Beat

Well I'll have to take a look

Walks left, Giant walks behind

The Giant is not there, you fibers, If he was behind me you would be screaming at the top of your lungs, and Pete would rush on stage and protect me, wouldnt you Pete?!

Alright I'll have another look -

Walks right, Giant walks behind

Beat, oh no he isnt, etc

OK - I will turn around one more time.

She does so

The Giant screams and runs off

DAMERude! I cannot believe it - He's just like my last husband, running off before he even knew me. Oh suit yourselves...

So this is Blunderbore's lair. I tell you, the Giant is in dire need of [Tv decorators] help. This is a right dump, what are these old bag's doing here?

She picks up a sack and looks inside

Preferably yellow lights (from in the bag) shine in her face

She fients

Gold!

The on stage actor muscians sing and play just the word GOLD (Spandaux Ballet)

The Dame is slightly baffled

My god! I've never seen gold

Same Spandaux Ballet beat

Alright stop it will you! I've never seen - such vast ammounts of money - in my life. I tell you what. I'm gonna steal it! I love living life on the edge.

She picks up bags of gold

I remind myself of my 10th husband, he got sacked from his job as a roadworker for stealing, I couldnt

believe it at first, but when I got home all the signs were there! Right - now to find Jack -

She carries many sacks of gold, one in her mouth

She dashes off to the Rescue music

We are now back at Jills vault

She sings

SONG: I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER (ARETHA FRANKLIN)

Mid way through the number the beat picks up and the actor muscians join in, a la Priscilla Queen of The Desert

Jack runs on with Daisy

Daisy moo's

JILLJack, Daisy!

JACKI found her - she was in the Giants kitchen

JILLYou were gone for ages. I was starting to panic.

JACKI'm sorry. I couldnt find Fleshcreep.

JILLWell atleast you've got the cow. Welldone Jack.

JACKThanks.

The Dame rushes in

DAMEOh Jack! Jill! Daisy! This is better than [Tv Special Reunion]

JACKMum - I didnt expect to see you here...

DAMEYou didnt think I'd rest in the bowels of the earth whilst my prized possession, my commendale, cool as a cucumber, classy cow - Daisy was in danger did you?

Daisy and Dame hug

Daisy moo's

DAMEOhh Daisy, I'm sorry I sold you.

JACKEnough of emotional reunions. We need to get Jill out of here -

JILLI'm locked in -

DAME(In manlier voice) Well let me unleash the guns!

She makes a meal out of pulling at the prison bars dramtically, she falls to the florr (pulling with her feet and hands). This is accompanied with famous TV sports/wrestling/boxing tune. She realises she cannot breaks the bars.

She composes herself

DAMEAs you were.

JACKFleshcreep has the key hidden somewhere and that is the only way Jill will be able to get out...

Fleshcreep appears

Audience boo's

FLESHCREEPWell, well, well, what have we here.

DAMETalking of the devil.

FLESHCREEPYou thought you could just appear,

And rescue Jill, Daisy and kill the Giant.

Well things arent as easy as they sound,

When I, Fleshcreep am around.

He 'enchants them' accompanied by sound and lighting effects

Jack, Jill, Daisy and the Dame freeze.

SONG: You've Really Got Me

Electic flashes light the scene, dramatic light changes

Fleshcreep puts chains (hidden next to Jills cage) around them

Chains lower from above the stage, with false versions of the Dame's hands on

Attatched to the false hands is a long piece of stretch fabric, the same as the Dame's costume - this should give the corny effect of the Dame's arms being stretched upwards

He unfreezes them

During the scene the Dame's 'arms' slowly stretch upwards to the top of the stage

FLESHCREEPWhoopsie - forget about happy endings!

Hahahhahahahhaa!

You will all be forced to watch as Jill will marry me,

Then I'll bring Blundebore down here - and he'll have you for his tea.

DAMEWhat have you done to my arms?! Help!

Fleshcreep: Just one of Blundebore's recent torture methods

Dame: What are we going to do now son?! This is not how Jack and the Beanstalk is supposed to end.

JACKI dont know. Im sorry Mum.

Fleshcreep unlocks Jill from her cage...

JACK(To Fleshcreep) Dont you dare hurt her.

FLESHCREEPShut it you low life peasant.

Now Jill, are you ready for the happiest day of your life -

The day when you, finally will become Fleshcreeps wife.

JACKNo!!!

Looney Louis comes rushing on, carrying a sonic screwdriver

LOUISHiya gang!

AUDIENCEHiya Louis

FLESHCREEPWhat in god's name is that? (Talking about the screwdriver)

Dame: He may not be the prettiest child but -

Fleshcreep: I was talking about the thing in his hands you idiot...

LOUISIts Just another one of my latest, latest, latest, latest

He has got himself stuck and smacks himself around the head again

latest inventions! I call it the sonic screwdriver

FLESHCREEPOh yeah, and what are you going to do with that? Fix some loose bolts?

LOUISNo... this...

Louis zaps Fleshcreep with the mallete

Electricution lighting and sound effeects

FLESHCREEPOw!

He is eletrecuted off stage

All cheers

Jack: Well done Brother

Jill: Well done Louis

Daisy moo's

Dame: Yes enough of the welldones, can you get me out here before my arms are as long as [Politician's] nose.

Louis: Sorry, what do you suppose I do?

Jack: Just fiddle about with it -

Dame: Give it a zap, and fast - look who's coming.

We hear the Giant

Giant: Fee Fi Foe Fum - watch out here I come

Jill: Hurry

Louis zaps with the sonic screwdriver but manages to electrecute himself

Dame: I knew we should of asked for [Current Doctor Who] instead of this muppet.

Jack: I'll try and get the screwdriver

Jack reaches for the screwdriver

He gets it

Jill: Welldone

He unzaps himself out

Dame: Yes! Now do me, me, me!

Jack goes to Jill

Dame: NO! Me - her bloomin' arms arent about to fall off -

Louis wakes

Louis: I've had that problem - It's completely armless

Dame: Shut up!

Jack 'zaps' the Dame

Electircution sound effects and lighting

Dame: Oh that takes me back!

The Dame is now free

Jack unzaps Jill from the cages

Jack and Jill kiss

We hear the Giant

Giant: Fee Fi Foe Fum - I smell the blood of an englishman

Be he live, or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread

Dame: Couldnt you make a nice baguette instead?

Jack: Mum!

Daisy moo's

Jill: Quick get Daisy out

He zaps Daisy's chain

Daisy shakes to electrecution lighting and sound effects

Louis: It's a bit like when Daisy got stuck in the electic fence - that was an udder disaster!

Dame: Enough! How could you joke when my my prized possession, my commendale, cool as cucumber, classy cow Daisy is in danger? You Dumbell -

She smacks him, he falls SFX

Dame: You Dunce -

She smacks him again, SFX

Jack: Mum! Stop - the giant is coming!

Jack helps Daisy out of the chains as The Giant enters

Pause

Dame: (Sounds like a thugh) Alright mate?

Jack: Mum. Shut up!

Giant: What have you done to my henchman Fleshcreep?

Dame: He tripped your high (reffering to his heigh) -ness. (To audience) highness - get it?

Giant: Silence.

Pause

Jack: No! You're not telling us what to do no more - prepare Blunderbore to fight...

Jack picks up a sword

Dame: How convinent a sword just causually lying there -

Giant: I'll fight all ofyou and when I'm done, I will kill everyone!

Fight between the Giant and Jack to a reprise of...

Song: WAR

The song ends to a mussive thud - the Giant is on the floor

Jill: Welldone Jack

Billy: Nice one Bro!

Dame: Now quick, lets end this show,

by running down the Stalk!

Jack: But Mum, we need to steal some gold, and anyone I don't think I finished him off properley-

Dame: Oh no, you get the gold - I wanna get down first. I dont want

any one looking up my skirt.

Come on Daisy lets go -

Dame and Daisy run off

The Giant groans and slowly stands up

Jill: Qucik - theres no time to loose

The all run off in different directions

The Giant stands -

Giant: Fee Fi Foe Fum - I will now kill everyone!

Blackout, straight into...

The Fairy appears and sings...

Song: Keep On Running

The characters take in turn running across the stage, The giant often follows them

At the end of the number we are back outside Dame Trotts cottage

The song comes to a powerful end

Fairy: We made it folks! On Earth - we're here!

Waiting for that lot to appear

Down that Beanstalk they soar

For they are being chassed by Blunderbore

Oh what's that I see - its Dame Trott with the cow

They are just meteres away now.

The lights flicker we hear a falling sound and a huge thud

The Dame and Daisy appear from behind the stalk

Daisy Moo's

Dame: Oh I think I've done myself an injury -

Either that or my g-string needs tuning.

Now come on Daisy - lets wait for the rest

Fairy: Here come's Louis - what's that in his hand?A sonic screwdriver - well I'll be damned!

The Beanstalk flashes - electrecution sound and lighting effects

Louis appears at the foot of the stalk, SMOKE

Louis: Hiya Gang!

Audience: Hiya Louis!

Dame: You made it son -

Fairy: Ooh look - its Jack and Jill - here they come...

Fairy dashes off

Jack and Jill appear at the bottom of the stalk

Jill: Quick Dame Trott we need to run

Giant: [O/S] Fee Fi Foe Fum!

Jack: You guy's go, I'll fight him once more

Billy: Jack where did you put the sword/e?

Jill: Dame Trott, do you have an axe?

Dame: I'll have a look - just dont panic, Relax.

The Dame frantically rushes around the stage

Jack: Hurry Mum - dont delay -

Giant: [O/S] Watch out, Im on my way.

She still rushes around

She grabs an electric guitar (from the Actor Muscian's)

Jack: What on earth is that?

Dame: I have no idea. Just chop, and quick -

As Jack rammers the electric guitar into the beanstalk there are loud rock-esque guitar strums, accompanied by lighting flashes

Dame: It sounds like that Bruce Springsteen concert I went to last weekend

The strums intesify until... Blackout

The Beanstalk lowers fast

Daisy (Dunn & Dusted) exit

The lights slowly rise... Revealing the scene without the stalk. There is smoke and a huge shoe

The characters, stand up - coughing

Jill: What has happend? Where did Daisy run off to?

Dame: Look - the Giants shoe!

Jack: But where's the Giant?

Billy points to the auditorium roof

Billy: Look

Dame: He's about to land on Norwich!

They all rotate their heads the same way, facing the roof of the auditorium, as if watching the Giant fly by

Distant thud

We hear a wind/whistle sound effect

A turf of grass comes crashing down

Billy: What is that?

Jack: Its some turf that I recognize for this grass I have mowed, I'd recognise that turf anywhere, its the remains of Carrow Road!

All cheer

Daisy distant Moo is heard

Billy: I best go and see if Daisy is Ok.

He exits

Dunn, Dusted and The King Appear




KINGI am you're king.

Presley beat

King: Oh Jill, you're home safe and sound

Jill: Jack rescued me father.

King: Jack, well done.

Dame: And more important the Giant is now Geography...

Dunn: You mean history...

Dame: Dont change the subject.

Jack: King, there is something I'd like to ask you. Can I marry your beautiful daughter?

King: I'll ask that lot. (To Audience) Should I let this barrow boy marry my Daughter Jill? Should I? Very well the General Public have voted.

Jill: Thank you father.

Jack: Jill, will you make me the happiest Panto character around, will you be my wife?

Jill: Oh yes Jack!

They kiss

Dame: Oh that's what I like to see - young love.

As the Dame turns around she sees the King on one knee

Dame: Get up off the ground you fool, this is not the time to tie up your laces -

King: Dame Taffy Trott...

Dame: Charles?

Pause

King: I've always faniced a woman with balls...

Dame: King!!!

King: I mean, I've always fancied a gutsier woman...

Dame: Yes...

King: Oh, will you marry me?

Dame: Yes King! Yes!

They awkwardly kiss

Dame: Don't worry Pete - I'm all yours after the show.

Dame jumps on the King and they run off

Jill: Oh, it will a double wedding!

Jack: Come on lets go

They exit

Fairy appears

Fairy: This is what I love to see,

a panto that ends merrily.

Jack defeated the Giant, his bravery won through,

And he is marrying Jill too.

Its time now to end our show,

But some final advice before you all go,

If a beanstalk grows outside your house,

Climb it - go for everything dont be a louse.

Saddening isnt it, we have to part

But you'll always find the true answers in your heart.

My work is done - and about time -

For I am starting to struggle to come up with rhyme.

There's one thing left for me to do,

Thats wish a merry christmas to all of you!

Merry Christmas

Cheer

Straight into...

Song: Reach out and Touch Somebodys hand

A big glossy number,

In the middle of the number everyone Freezes

Dunn and Dusted step out of the action

Dunn: Didnt that end up well

Dusted: Yeah

Dunn: But Honestly, If I see another proposal I am going to be sick.

Dusted gets on one knee

Dusted: How about one more?! Dunn, will you marry me?

Dunn: Oh - I didn't know you had it in you!

They run off hand in hand

The number continues

It comes to a strong, musical theatre esque end

They bow, still at their muscian posts and exit

Louis re-enters does the donation speech and asks audience to thank for backstage, front of house and ofcourse Pete! He does the typical 'do you want another one' 'Oh no you don't' thing

Fairy re-enters

Fairy: The wedding is about to begin,

And you're all invited so join in!

Song: Celebrate

Instrumental, characters walk down, bow's etc

The dame walks down in an outrageous dress

They encourage audience to get on their feet

The song ends

End of Act Two

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