Playscripts, Inc. Catalog of New Plays & Musicals 2013-2014

FREE PERUSAL INSIDE:The Latest News from the Primordial Ooze by Rich Orloff

Catalog of New Plays & Musicals

2013-2014

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Playscripts, Inc. brings new plays and musicals to professional, school, community, and college theaters to perform, read and enjoy. These plays represent a great diversity of voices, styles, and stories and offer a fresh perspective on the human experience.

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Playscripts, Inc. Advisory BoardDavid Henry HwangMorgan JennessTony KushnerTerrence McNallyLynn NottageHarold PrinceTheresa RebeckRobert SchenkkanStephen SchwartzNeil SimonAlfred Uhry

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Front page captions from top to bottom: Nothing is the End of the World (except for the end of the world), Waterwell Productions, Professional Performing Arts School, New York (2012). Photo: Gregory Costanzo.

Ben and the Magic Paintbrush, South Coast Repertory, Costa Mesa, California (2012). Photo: Henry DiRocco.

Miracle on South Division Street, Penguin Repertory Theatre, Stony Point, New York (2009). Photo: Aaron Pepis.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

HeaderSection, play length, and ideal cast size

Specialty Icons Christmas, eScript available, flexible cast size, and musical

Play ListingsTitle, author, genre, length, performance cost, book cost, and cast range

Bottom of the page:URL to redeem up to 30% off your order!

2013-14 catalog of new plays & musicalstable of contents

using this catalog

PROFESSIONAL

4 | Full-Lengths

HIGH SCHOOL

10 | One-Acts

13 | Full-Lengths

MIDDLE SCHOOL

19 | One-Acts

21 | Full-Lengths

THEATER FOR YOUNG AUDIENCES

23 | Full-Lengths

COLLEGE

24 | One-Acts

25 | Full-Lengths

COMMUNITY

30 | One-Acts & Full-Lengths

FREE PERUSAL

34 | The Latest News from the Primordial Ooze

36 | RIGHTS INFORMATION

Consider the Oyster, Aurora, CO, (2013). Photo courtesy of the Aurora Fox Theatre.

Christmas eScript Available Flexible Casting Musical 4 visit playscripts.com/discount to redeem your discount

Professional

A Christmas Carol: The Radio ShowDavid AlbertsRadio Play | 70-90 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book1 either (1 actor possible)

It’s Christmas Eve, and with the actors snowed in and unable to make it to the studios of WXMS for the live radio performance of A Christmas Carol, the sound effects person decides to take the audi-ence through the classic tale himself. In an impressive and amusing feat, this telling is performed as a 1940s radio play with one person providing all of the characters’ voices and sound effects. This rollick-ing, creative adaptation of Dickens’ classic work is sure to warm the hearts of even the chilliest audience members.

The Twelve Dates of ChristmasGinna HobenHoliday/Solo Play | 70-90 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book1 female (1 actor possible)

After seeing her fiancé kiss another woman on the televised Thanks-giving Day Parade, Mary’s life falls apart—just in time for the holidays. Over the next year, she stumbles back into the dating world, where “romance” ranges from weird and creepy to absurd and comical. It seems nothing can help Mary’s growing cynicism, until the charm and innocence of a five-year-old boy unexpectedly brings a new outlook on life and love. This heartwarming one-woman play offers a hilarious and modern alternative to the old standards of the holiday season.

“The performance is perfection and ends all too soon without a contrived conclusion.” --Tony Kiss, Asheville Citizen-Times

Fat BeckettGab Cody in collaboration with Rita ReisComedy | 75-90 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book2 females (2 actors possible)

In this female homage to Waiting for Godot, two women find them-selves trapped in an existential everywhere. Instead of an endless wait for an absent figure, however, Sophie and Kiki embark on an eternal search for their little lost goat, Biquette. The pair is fated to travel always together—gorging on profiteroles, discussing the merits of a festival of vomiting donkeys, and arguing over whether it is worse to be condemned to stay in one place or to travel your entire life. Utilizing repetition, shadow puppets, slapstick, and mis-translation, Fat Beckett is a clever interrogation of the absurdities of human existence. Named one of the “Top Ten Plays of 2011” by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Two Jews Walk Into a War Seth RozinComedy | 70-80 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book2 males (2 actors possible)

It’s tough being a Jew in Afghanistan—so tough there are only two left. When the Taliban reduces their temple to rubble, cerebral ac-countant Ishaq and gruff carpet salesman Zeblyan must overcome their differences to keep their religious community alive. A modern vaudeville full of schtick, sorrow and survival. Available Fall 2013.

Toil and TroubleLauren GundersonComedy | 80-90 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book1 female, 2 males (3 actors possible)

Underemployed friends Adam, Matt, and Beth are desperate to beat the recession any way they can—like combining forces to take over a small island in South America. But when a fortune cookie tells Matt that he will rule, and Beth gets a little too handy with a dagger, plans go awry. This hilarious adaptation of Shakespeare’s Macbeth pits friend against friend, ambition against fate, and pet-sitting against miniature vicuna mogul-dom.

“An uproarious, modern-day comedy.” --Natalie Reyes, The Daily Californian

25 Questions for a Jewish MotherJudy Gold and Kate Moira RyanMemoir/Comedy | 60-70 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book4 females (1-20 actors possible)

Part memoir and part stand-up routine, this hilarious and affecting play breaks down just what makes Jewish mothers so lamentable, laughable, and lovable. Comedienne Judy Gold and playwright Kate Moira Ryan seamlessly weave together interviews with Jewish moth-ers from across the United States, and memories from Gold’s child-hood and her own experiences as a Jewish mother. A performance piece that explores it all: from rugelach to rabbis, mat zoh to marriage, Ann Landers to Anne Frank, and guilt to G-d.

“...fiercely funny, honest and moving.” --The New York Times

Consider the OysterDavid MacGregorComedy | 100-110 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book2 females, 1 male, 1 either (4-5 actors possible)

When Gene breaks his leg after proposing to girlfriend Marisa, he begins to feel some odd changes. It turns out the oyster shell that the doctor left in his leg to assist with his healing is causing him to slowly transition into a female—just the way an oyster does. Can Gene learn to live his life as a different gender, and will he—or she—be able to feel the same for his fiancé? Consider the Oyster is a funny and surprising exploration of gender and our changeable human nature. Named Best New Play of 2011 by the Rogue Crit-ic; Nominated for Best New Play of 2011 by the Wilde Awards

It’s not too early to plan your Christmas season.

Playscripts.com/christmas

Christmas eScript Available Flexible Casting Musical visit playscripts.com/discount to redeem your discount 5

CrazytownJonathan RandComedy | 60-80 mins | $100 per perf, $8.99 per book2 females, 2 males (2-71 actors possible)

Crazytown is a low-tech evening of comedy designed to be per-formed by a cast of four, but expandable to over 70 actors. Take a tour of the most messed up town in America, from the police in-terrogation room where the nicest guy in town is issued a strange ultimatum, to the elementary school for a heated political debate on critical issues like tater tots. Welcome to Crazytown, where our motto is: Welcome to Crazytown.

Exit, Pursued by a BearLauren GundersonRevenge Comedy | 75-80 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book2 females, 2 males (4 actors possible)

Nan has decided to teach her abusive husband Kyle a lesson. With the help of her friend Simon (acting as her emotional—and actual—cheerleader) and a stripper named Sweetheart, she tapes Kyle to a chair and forces him to watch as they reenact scenes from their painful past. In the pièce de résistance, they plan to cover the room in meat and honey so Kyle will be mauled by a bear. Through this night of emotional trials and ridiculous theatrics, Nan and Kyle are both freed from their past in this smart, dark, revenge comedy. Best Showstopper, San Francisco Weekly (2012)

Miracle on South Division StreetTom DudzickComedy/Drama | 85-95 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 1 male (4 actors possible)

Meet the Nowaks of Buffalo, NY. Clara and her three grown kids have always known they were special, ever since the miraculous night in 1942 when the Blessed Mother appeared to Grandpa in his barbershop! Since then, the neighborhood has looked upon the Nowaks’ 20-foot commemorative shrine as a beacon of hope and

faith amidst the urban rubble. And now daughter Ruth unveils her plan to write and star in a one-woman show about the family miracle so the “whole world will know!” However, as her plans for theatrical immortality unfold, the entire family’s faith is shaken to the very core when a deathbed confession causes the family legend to unravel. The results are heartfelt and hilarious. (Included is a guide for turn-ing this play into a Christmas Play.)

Play DatesSam WolfsonComedy | 85-95 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book2 females, 2 males (4-11 actors possible)

Love is hard at any age. In kindergarten, five-year-old Sam falls for Stacey, a tough Girl Scout who wants to be a cowboy when she grows up—just like he does. But Stacey eventually breaks Sam’s heart, and instead of growing up to ride the range, he becomes a jaded radio show host. As “Dr. Love,” Sam (not-so-secretly) pines for the long-lost Stacey, and dishes out cynical advice to frustrated couples like Mike and Katie, whose relationship has grown stale after 5 years together. When Mike and Katie cross paths with a grown-up Stacey in a TGI Fridays, Stacey is thrust back into Sam’s life with hilarious and touching results. “Highly recommended.” --LA Weekly

Elvis Has Left the BuildingV. Cate and Duke ErnsbergerComedy | 90-100 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book2 females, 3 males (5 actors possible)

It’s December 20th, 1970, and Elvis Presley has disappeared. No one, not even his wily manager, “The Colonel”, knows of his where-abouts. But the Colonel is all shook up because he has racked up a secret debt—and with the King himself missing, the only way to pay it off is to find an Elvis impersonator within 24 hours. Hijinks ensue as the Colonel takes desperate measures to replace a man who is irreplaceable, all while keeping the prying eyes of a nosy reporter at bay and figuring out what happened to the real Elvis.

PROFESSIONALFULL-LENGTHS Ideal Cast Size 4-5

Elvis Has Left the Building, Barter Theatre, Abingdon, Virginia (2011). Photo Courtesy of Barter Theatre.


FULL-LENGTHS Ideal Cast Size 5-6PROFESSIONAL

FloatPatricia KaneComedy/Drama | 110-120 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book5 females (5 actors possible)

The industrious members of the Budapest Women’s Club (pro-nounced “Bu-DA-pest”) come together for an annual tradition: the crafting of the holiday parade float. But under the surface of this pleasant gathering, the women find themselves grappling with sex-uality, betrayal, and their own hard-fast notions of right and wrong. In this ode to the complicated undercurrents of Midwestern morality, you’ll meet Marty, Luce, Char, Arletta, and Doodee: five women who face the tests life presents to them with laughter, love, and a lot of fake snow. 3 Joseph Jefferson Award nominations, including Best New Work

Full BloomSuzanne BradbeerDrama | 85-95 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 2 males (5 actors possible)

Something is different about teenage Phoebe when she returns from her summer vacation in Italy. Suddenly, she can’t bear soci-ety’s obsession with youth and beauty. She becomes reckless—skipping school, and going out with guys she barely knows. Her fragile self-image is further shaken by her family and friends’ con-stant commentary on her appearance, her neighbor’s plans for plas-tic surgery, and her father’s recent move to live with a much-young-er mistress. When Phoebe’s behavior takes a drastic turn, it’s up to those she loves most to save her from herself before it’s too late. “...consistently engaging.” --The New York Times

Pride@PrejudiceDaniel Elihu KramerComedy | 120-140 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 2 males (5 actors possible)

Watch Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy fall in love all over again—this time filtered through the world of the internet. Modern voices interject and build on this classic love story in the form of blog posts, chat room discussions, quotes from film adaptations, and even let-ters from Ms. Austen herself to create a delightfully postmodern view of 19th century England. Written for five actors to play every role, Pride@Prejudice is a hilarious and moving homage to Jane Austen’s most beloved novel, as well our love affair with reading. Best New Play, The Columbus Dispatch

Priscilla Dreams the AnswerWalt McGoughComedy | 45-60 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 2 males (5-9 actors possible)

Priscilla, a lonely woman who works at a hobby shop, is so empathet-ic that she cries nightly while watching game shows. But her evening routine gets weird when she starts receiving 3 AM phone calls—from aliens. When she finally picks up, the aliens ask her a big favor: to save the world. In this fantastical play examining loss, love, and the search for answers, Priscilla looks to the only expert she knows, her favorite game show contestant Simon, to save both worlds before it’s too late. 2011 Best Comedy -- Capital City Fringe Festival

“McGough’s play zips by in a mere 50 minutes, but it’s no lightweight.” --Jeffrey Gantz, The Boston Globe

1984 by George Orwell Michael Gene SullivanDrama | 135-145 mins | $8.99 per book1 female, 5 males (6 actors possible)

Based on the iconic novel by George Orwell, 1984 brings us the story of Winston Smith, a cog in the giant machine state of Oceania. Physically and mentally under the omnipresent eye of Big Brother, Winston has been caught struggling for scraps of love and freedom in a world awash with distrust and violence. With the brutal “help” of four Party Members, Winston is forced to confess his Thoughtcrimes before an unseen inquisitor, and the audience—who act as a silent witness to his torture. A ferocious and provocative adaptation of one of the most prescient works of literature of the last century.

“Brilliant.” --Arianna Huffington

Current Economic ConditionsDon ZolidisComedy | 95-105 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 3 males (6-12 actors possible)

After losing her low-level job in the publishing industry, Lily has no choice but to move back in with her well-meaning but neurotic par-ents. A series of disastrous interviews and her parents’ strict house rules have Lily feeling more like a troubled teenager than an em-ployable young woman—and the Justin Beiber posters in her old bedroom aren’t helping. Will she find a job before she loses both her sanity and her dignity? Edgerton New Play Award (2012)

Romeo & Juliet: Choose Your Own Ending Shawn FraistatComedy | 75-90 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book2 females, 4 males (6-14 actors possible)

What if Romeo had stayed helplessly in love with Rosaline, instead of Juliet? What if Mercutio and Tybalt hadn’t died—but gotten to-gether instead? In this Shakespearean take on the Choose Your Own Ending model, the audience decides whether everybody lives—or everybody dies. With eight possible endings that bridge comedy and tragedy, this isn’t the tale of star-crossed lovers that you read in high school. A fun, interactive reimagining of Shake-speare’s most beloved romance. Pick of the Fringe: Best Overall Show (Capital Fringe Festival 2010)

Critically acclaimed adaptations from Naomi Iizuka,

Joe Landry, Ellen McLaughlin, and many more.

Playscripts.com/adaptations


FULL-LENGTHS Ideal Cast Size 7-8 PROFESSIONAL

The Lost BoyRonald Gabriel PaolilloDrama | 110-120 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 4 males (7-18 actors possible)

Despite finding success and fame as a writer, James M. Barrie is dissatisfied with his work and his life. He returns to his hometown in Scotland to visit his mother, who still blames him for the long-ago death of his older brother in a skating pond. Haunted by the tragic accident and his mother’s harsh words, James slowly begins to con-front his family’s tragic past with the help of an unexpected friendship and his own gift for storytelling. This fictionalized account of the birth of Peter Pan will warm the hearts of audiences everywhere who re-member the magic and mystery of “The Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up.”

The Oy of SexLen RichmondComedy | 100-110 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 4 males (7 actors possible)

After leaving her cheating husband, Bea discovers, to her horror, that her nice Jewish son Hal has secretly been running a sex shop in London’s Soho district. When Hal closes up shop for a two-week holiday, his prudish mum insists upon smartening-up the ramshack-le store while he’s gone. Afraid to lose sales in the meantime, she finds she has a flare for counseling the lonely customers who wan-der in—and for selling them sex toys. Surrounded by edible knickers and blow-up dolls, Bea discovers more about sexuality than she ever wanted to know, which may be just what she needs to save her own troubled marriage. “Len Richmond is London’s answer toNeil Simon.” --London Theatre Review

Peter Pan and Wendy: A MusicalAlyn Cardarelli and Steve GoersMusical | 70-80 mins 2 females, 5 males (7-13 actors possible)

This panto-style reimagining of J.M. Barrie’s classic book focuses on Wendy’s transition from a child to a responsible young lady—with plenty of adventure in between! When Wendy refuses to leave the nursery and sleep downstairs, her mother gives her a mysterious box containing Peter Pan’s shadow. Unable to resist, Wendy opens it, Peter arrives, and they’re off to Neverland! But even there, Wendy must learn what it means to grow up. Full of enchanting music and beloved characters, this fast-paced adaptation of Barrie’s Peter and Wendy is a treat for children of any age. Available Fall 2013.

110 StoriesSarah TuftDrama | 110-115 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 5 males (8-27 actors possible)

110 Stories captures the grief and resilience of New York City in thewake of September 11th, through the words of those who experi-enced it directly—not only the firefighters and police, but the iron-workers, chaplains, K9 handlers, nurses, photojournalists, and the homeless who witnessed the horrific events and saved lives that day, too. Together, these unflinching first-person testimonials of-fer catharsis by revealing the hope, humor, and compassion that emerged in the midst of this tragedy. Memorializing September 11th by sharing the stories no one saw on the news, this play is a power-ful and humanizing account of New York City’s darkest day.

“Instead of exploiting the drama and despair of that day, [Tuft] tried to capture the moments afterward, when survivors found strength they didn’t know they had.” --New York Post

Truffaldino Says NoKen SlatteryComedy | 110-120 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book2 females, 6 males (8-15 actors possible)

Doomed to repeat the traditional life of an Italian harlequin and reject-ed by the love of his life, Isabella, Truffaldino shirks his old world com-media dell’arte upbringing and two-steps across the Atlantic to find a strangely parallel, modern new world of situation comedy, and a new love, Debbie. But the old world discovers it still needs Truffaldino and comes barreling after him, resulting in a hilarious collision of genres and mistaken identities. When Truffaldino realizes that the problems of Venice Beach aren’t so very different than those of Venice, Italy, he must decide to which of these worlds he ultimately belongs.

“Rib tickling...Say Yes to Funny Play.” --San Francisco Chronicle


FULL-LENGTHS Ideal Cast Size 9-12PROFESSIONAL

Fat Beckett, Quantum Theatre, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (2011). Photo: Heather Mull.

Nothing is the End of the World (except for the end of the world)Bekah BrunstetterComedy/Drama | 95-105 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book5 females, 3 males, 1 either (9 actors possible)

In the near-distant future, an NYC charter school becomes the first to welcome artificially intelligent students. However, new AI students Olive and Godfrey receive a chilly welcome from the al-ready self-conscious and stressed-out members of the junior class. When a reality show swoops in to capture this social experiment on camera, the priorities and moralities of the student body are turned inside-out. At turns both droll and touching, this dark new play ques-tions how we reconcile the thin line between our ever-improving technologies and what it means to be human.

Tom JonesJon JoryComedy | 130-140 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book4 females, 5 males (9-27 actors possible)

Abandoned as a child to the care of Squire Allworthy, Tom Jones is now all grown up and launched into the bewildering romantic world. He falls madly in love with the virtuous Sophia Western—but So-phia’s father is determined to keep the two apart. In his pursuit of true love, the well-intentioned Tom finds himself the object of female attention and romantic complication. But will these misadventures permanently jeopardize his chances with Sophia? Adapted from the classic novel by Henry Fielding, Tom Jones is a bawdy and rollicking comedy for the stage that will have the audience in stitches.

A World War II Radio ChristmasPat Kruis TellinghusenLive Radio Play with Music | 75-80 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book4 females, 4 males, 1 either (6-16 actors possible)

This emotional holiday play recreates a 1940s radio show that could have been broadcast during a Christmas Eve in WWII. Using period songs and reenacted stories inspired by actual veterans, A World War II Radio Christmas transports the audience to another time, but also inspires them to think about war today, and the importance of coming together for the holidays.

A Bright Swarm of BeetlesDon ZolidisDrama | 115-125 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book4 females, 6 males (10-40 actors possible)

Based on actual events, A Bright Swarm of Beetles follows the breathtaking career of the greatest writer of the Soviet Union: Mikhail Bulgakov. From his beginnings in the Red revolution as a nearly homeless opium addict to the dizzying heights of literary star-dom, Bulgakov struggles to write in a world fraught with madness and betrayal. After his work is denounced and banned, Bulgakov is offered a chance at redemption by the sinister dictator Joseph Stalin—but he must choose between his art and his survival. A wild, fast-paced journey through fifteen years of one of the darkest peri-ods of modern history.

Six Characters in Search of an AuthorSteve MouldsComedy/Drama | 80-100 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book4 females, 4 males, 2 either (10 actors possible)

Six fictional characters, abandoned by their creator, invade a re-hearsal in progress and demand to be brought to life by a new au-thor. But the characters’ existential agenda collides with the career ambition of the theatre artists, to ridiculous effect. This intimate adaptation of Luigi Pirandello’s absurdist classic foregrounds the comedic contrast between the life-or-death melodrama of the char-acters and the freewheeling farce of the acting company—all the while asking us to consider just what we believe to be real. Jeff nomination for Best New Adaptation (Chicago)

“Fresh, insightful and a great deal of fun.” --Chris Jones, Chicago Tribune

The Spoon River ProjectTom AndoloraPlay with Music | 85-95 mins5 females, 6 males (10-18 actors possible)

In this beautifully haunting play based on Edgar Lee Masters’ Spoon River Anthology, the former residents of Spoon River examine life and the longing for what might have been. As the citizens reflect on the dreams, secrets, and regrets of their lives, they paint a gritty and honest portrait of the town as their pasts are illuminated.

EmmaStephen KaramMusical Comedy | 100-110 mins4 females, 5 males, 3 either (12-30 actors possible)

This modern musical adaptation lifts Jane Austen’s comedy of man-ners out of Regency England and sets it down in contemporary Connecticut. Emma, a graduate student at Highbury College, em-barks on a personal mission to set up a lonely gay student named Harry with a suitable boyfriend. She sets her sights on school a cappella star Trevor, but her plan is soon complicated by the return of an old rival and a visit from a British film star. Emma’s mentor/ad-


FULL-LENGTHS Ideal Cast Size 10-32 PROFESSIONAL

visor, Dr. Knight, and her old friend, Miss Bates, join the fracas—and the rural college soon teems with missed connections. A delightful and deeply felt spin on the original. Winner, the New York MusicTheatre Festival’s Director’s Choice Award

The Walk Across America for Mother EarthTaylor Mac, Music by Ellen MaddowComedic Play with Music | 110-120 mins4 females, 6 males, 2 either (10-12 actors possible)

Political activism meets bedazzled drag show in this story about two young friends who flee their suburban upbringing in “Real America” to join a ragtag group of activists on a protest march from D.C. to Nevada. On the road, the group attempts to establish a nomadic utopia, but the marchers continually find themselves divided by can-cer, unrequited affections, indecision, and a secret hunger for pow-er. Whimsically blending commedia dell’arte influences with song and dance, The Walk Across America for Mother Earth explores how the idea of community sometimes fails to unite us, and some-times brings us together in the most unexpected ways. Named one of ten best plays of 2011 by The New York Times.

“With this new play, a sweet and satiric meditation on the beautiful folly of idealism, Taylor Mac establishes himself as a writer and artist of serious consequence.” -- Charles Isherwood, The New York Times

Pride and Prejudice: The Musical Book by Jon Jory, Music and Lyrics by Peter Ekstrom Musical Comedy | 115-120 mins8 females, 6 males (14-22 actors possible)

Jane Austen’s timeless love story is given new life in this faithful and fresh musical adaptation. Strong-minded Elizabeth Bennet is not out to find a husband, and the snobbish Mr. Darcy certainly wouldn’t be her first choice. But it is a truth universally acknowledged that first impressions are not always what they seem, and soon, both Eliza-beth and Darcy must look beyond their pride to discover their true feelings. When talk of marriage is everywhere and family expecta-tions are high, can these two overcome their prejudices to make a more meaningful connection? A lively score and moving songs add richness and warmth to this classic story of wit and romance.

The Lily’s RevengeTaylor MacDramedy with Music | 150-300 mins4 females, 3 males, 25 either (32-100 actors possible)

An anthropomorphized lily joins the cast of a romantic musical, de-spite the wishes of the Great Longing, a malicious stage curtain hell-bent on spreading nostalgia and institutionalized narrative. When the lily steals the story for itself in order to wed the bride, what follows is an epic dismantling of theatrical norms and an inspiring, raucous ode to storytelling in all its myriad forms. Part Noh play, part silent film, part musical, part art installation, The Lily’s Revenge is a one-of-a-kind celebration of theatre, non-traditional love, and the power of living in the here and now. 2010 Obie Award for TaylorMac (writer/actor), Named the best play of 2010 by Time Out NY and Paper Magazine. Available Fall 2013.

“This was the most challenging, exciting and wonderful theater event of the year.” --Paper Magazine

An Anthology of American plays

from Actors Theatre of Louisville

Humana Festival 2012: The Complete Plays brings together

all ten scripts from the 2012 Humana Festival of New American Plays, the 36th

annual cycle of world premiere productions staged at Actors

Theatre of Louisville. This unique compilation features an

exceptional array of work by some of the most exciting new voices in the American theatre.

2012 The Complete Plays

2012 The Complete Plays2012 The C

omplete Plays

It starts with a script that fights its way past nearly 1,000 competing stories to the top of the stack and onto the final

bill. It ends with the thrill of discovery, as audiences experience the new work for the first time… The Humana Festival celebrates a diverse slate of American

playwrights in a variety of styles and perspectives, with bright-eyed hopefuls enjoying their first prominent premieres

alongside award-winning veterans.

—WFPL LOUISVILLE

Many of the most critically acclaimed plays of the past three

decades have originated here.

—BACKSTAGE

By my reckoning, the 2012 Humana Festival of New American Plays (the 36th

renewal) is the strongest festival in recent memory—and that’s an extraordinary

achievement, given that for much of the last year, Actors Theatre of Louisville was

without an artistic director.

—LOUISVILLE ECCENTRIC OBSERVER

One of the most prestigious showcases for original theater in the country.

—NEW YORK TIMES

PlayscriPts, inc.www.PlayscriPts.com

cover imagewayne Brezinka

Drama/Literature

Wegener& LUnnIe

edited by

humana festivalhumana festival

humana festival

edited By Amy Wegener & Sarah Lunnie

Foreword By Les Waters

made possible by a generous grant from the

Eat Your Heart Out by Courtney Baron

How We Got Onby Idris Goodwin

Death Tax by Lucas Hnath

Hero Dadby Laura Jacqmin

Michael von SiebenburgMelts Through the Floorboards by Greg Kotis

The Veri**on Play by Lisa Kron

The Hour of Feelingby Mona Mansour

The Ballad of 423 and 424by Nicholas C. Pappas

The Dungeons and the Dragonsby Kyle John Schmidt

Oh, Gastronomy!by Michael Golamco, Carson Kreitzer, Steve Moulds, Tanya Saracho and Matt Schatz

cover designandy Perez

PlayscriptsInc.


High School

One-Acts

Driver’s TestDon ZolidisComedy | 25-35 mins | $40 per perf, $7.99 per book2 females (2 actors possible)

No amount of parallel-parking practice can prepare sixteen-year-old Gail for this driver’s test. Dangerously insane, fun-loving DMV tester Margie is feeling the need for speed, is hot to hit the road, is…well, a terrible instructor. Can Gail pass her test even with someone urging her to push the speedometer to its limit and evade the police? Comedy lev-els go into overdrive as Margie takes Gail on the wildest ride of her life.

The Future Is In Your Tiny HandsJonathan RandComedy | 15-20 mins | $45 per perf, $8.99 per book2 females, 2 males (4-11 actors possible)

Kaitlyn Parker and Eddie Grantwood square off for the political de-bate of the century: student president of their elementary school. No topic is off-limits, be it cootie prevention, kickball roster justice, or—most critically of all—tater tots. Presented in a town hall format, all the hard-hitting questions come from fellow students in the audi-ence. Who will win? America’s very freedom hangs in the balance. Or at least a decision as to whether Santa is real. This play can also be performed as part of the full-length play Crazytown.

May the Best Fan WinJonathan RandComedy | 20-25 mins | $45 per perf, $8.99 per book2 females, 2 males (4 actors possible)

Welcome to the thrilling world of watching dudes watch sports. Fi-nally, the match-up the entire nation has been waiting for: the his-toric showdown between veteran slacker Donald Baxter and rookie sensation slacker Michael Felton. Legendary sportscasters Merv Johnson and Tim Bixby are there to break down all the exhilarating action, LIVE from that couch by the TV. This play can also be per-formed as part of the full-length play Crazytown.

No More, Mister Nice GuyJonathan RandComedy | 10-15 mins | $45 per perf, $8.99 per book2 females, 2 males (4 actors possible)

Meet Sheldon Grimes, the nicest guy in town. Unfortunately for Sheldon, in this town, being a nice guy is prohibited by law. But after a crash course from a pair of local police detectives and a very special specialist, Sheldon might just learn to be a jerk fast enough to stay out of prison. This play can also be performed as part of the full-length play Crazytown.

I Don’t Want to Talk About ItBradley HaywardDramedy | 30-45 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book5 either (5-32 actors possible)

Being a teenager is hard, and nobody wants to talk about it. Confront-ing the daily challenges of growing up, this series of monologues and scenes offers a look at a multitude of issues—including dealing with parents who just don’t get it, rumors, bullying, and suicide. By turns funny and tragic, the gritty details of adolescence surface—exposing the things teenagers can’t, won’t, and don’t want to talk about.

Polar TwilightHillary DePianoComedy | 20-25 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book3 females, 3 males (6 actors possible)

When three candidates are called to interview for a PR position at the North Pole, they expect to find a dream job gift-wrapped for them. But all that changes once they meet Big Red himself—sud-denly everything they thought they knew about him is proven terrify-ingly wrong. Even if this revelation has sucked all the life out of the legend for them, the alternative is worse: what would happen if ev-eryone knew? Can they help Santa maintain his jolly public image, or could this be the end of Christmas as we know it?

The Short Story of Michael FishJanece ShafferComedy | 45-55 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book5 females, 3 males (8 actors possible)

After years living abroad, Julia Mahood returns home for middle school. No one is more excited to see her than Michael Fish, her childhood friend who remembers everything about her younger self—even her second grade Halloween costume. When Will, the inarticulate star of the basketball team, begs Michael to help him woo Julia, he agrees. But as Julia falls for Will (who is actually Mi-chael sending her text messages), Michael realizes that in helping his friend, he is also hurting himself. A hilarious update of Cyrano de Bergerac for our modern technological age.

RelativeC. Denby SwansonDramedy | 30-40 mins | $40 per perf, $7.99 per book2 females, 2 males, 5 either (9 actors possible)

When Alberta, the daughter of a mathematician, struggles to compre-hend her parents’ impending divorce, she invokes her father’s hero and her own namesake: Albert Einstein. The unlikely pair visits the past to study the early strains of her parents’ marriage via an incident involving an ambiguous traffic light, a cantankerous judge, and a few amiable Texas Rangers. By examining the incident step by step, Ein-stein helps Alberta accept the uncertainty that lies in all things, wheth-er it be time and space, or the bond between a husband and wife.

10 Ways to Survive the Zombie ApocalypseDon ZolidisComedy | 30-35 mins | $45 per perf, $7.99 per book5 females, 3 males, 2 either (8-24 actors possible)

It’s the end of the world and hordes of rampaging zombies are about to kill you. What do you do? Try your hand at kung fu against the un-dead? Attempt to reason with creatures that would rather eat brains than use them? Turn to this handy and hilarious guide to survive the apocalypse! (Hint: sacrificing the weak is step number one.)


ONE-ACTS Ideal Cast Size 11-16 HIGH SCHOOL

Jane EyreGerald MurphyComedy | 35-45 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book6 females, 4 males, 1 either (9-11 actors possible)

The classic Gothic tale of Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre is decon-structed and transformed into a comedy in this hilarious and fast-paced one-act. Despite a gruesomely unhappy younger life, Jane ascends from lowly orphan to governess at the strange and myste-rious Thornfield Hall, where she falls for the brooding master of the house. Narrated by Jane’s sassy and spoiled cousins, Georgiana and Eliza, and complete with a talking dog, imaginary horses, and, of course, the agonizing pain of unspoken love, you’ve never seen plain Jane like this before. Best One-Act, Siskiyou PerformingArts Center (2012)

Lip ServiceBradley HaywardComedy | 25-35 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book1 female, 1 male, 10 either (12 actors possible)

They say love conquers all, but that was before Pardonnez Moi opened its doors. When Charlie made his reservation at the roman-tic restaurant to ask for Laura’s hand in marriage, he had no idea that his proposal would be repeatedly thwarted by a revolving staff of cuckoos. Among them are a waitress obsessed with conspiracy theories, a bus boy with a cabaret act, a chef with an accent thicker than his gravy, and a violinist that doesn’t even know how to play. As Laura flits from disaster to disaster, Charlie tries desperately to make heads or tails of the nonsense spewing from everyone’s lips.

Pass It On, or The First Period Note That Almost Destroyed the WorldIan McWethyComedy | 30-40 mins | $40 per perf, $7.99 per book4 females, 5 males, 3 either (12-16 actors possible)

Jenna has given Mark a simple task: pass a note to John Stenson. It should have been easy. But when Mark confuses John with Shawn, another student confuses Shawn spelled with a “W” and Shaun with a “U”, and so on and so on...it sets off a chain of miscommunications that could lead to World War III. Or not. Probably not. But a series of mishaps and “Who’s on First”-esque silliness ensues in a comedy that asks...wait...what was the question again?

How to Kiss a GirlWade Bradford based on a tweet by Leslie TannerComedy | 30-40 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book7 females, 5 males, 2 either (9-14 actors possible)

When young Ken Beardsley gets ready for his very first date, he decides to download audio advice from across the centuries in order to impress his high school crush, Steph. However, the date quickly spirals out of control as he tries to simultaneously follow dating tips from a communist-fearing nationalist from the ‘50s, a swashbuckling pirate, a sweet southern belle, and a puritanical pilgrim. Poor Ken realizes that if he really wants to win Steph’s heart, he’ll need to tune out his smartphone and tune in to his own instincts before it’s too late. Winner of the Playscripts, Inc. Pitch ‘N’ Play playwrit-ing contest (2012)

Bad SubstituteSean AbleyComedy | 35-45 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book2 females, 3 males, 11 either (10-36 actors possible)

Ms. Rabbitoff, an insane Francis Bacon enthusiast, poses as a sub-stitute teacher and takes an AP English class hostage in an attempt to convince them that Bacon was the real genius behind Shake-speare’s plays. By acting out imagined versions of Shakespearean plays (sometimes hilariously blended with other great works of liter-ature), Rabbitoff and the students battle it out to prove who knows more about the literary canon. Only the students can defend Shake-speare’s great name, and fight for their right to attend their next class.

Drama Geeks vs. Zombie Cheerleaders Kathryn WalatComedy | 25-35 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book11 females, 5 males (15-16 actors possible)

The Drama Club notices that their biggest rivals, The Cheerleaders, are acting unusual. They’re beginning to smell, and they seem to have an odd taste for human flesh... yup, they’ve turned into zombies. With the big Homecoming game approaching, Head Zombie-Cheer-leader Peaches organizes her undead followers to plan a feast on the rest of the school. It’s up to the Drama Geeks to use their gift for dramatic flair to slay their rivals. Can a ragtag band of over-dramatic misfits defeat the zombies—and save the world—before it’s too late?

Meet the RoommatesJonathan RandComedy | 20-30 mins | $45 per perf, $7.99 per book8 females, 8 males (7-16 actors possible)

Two friends discover an incredible online simulator that shows them exactly what their future college roommate experiences will look like. Yet after a few minutes with a raging narcoleptic, a world-class procrastinator, and a children’s party clown, it may be time to seri-ously consider living alone.

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ONE-ACTS Ideal Cast Size 16-22

Letters to Kurt, New York, New York, Photo: Cressa Amundsen

Sadie and the PackageBen Kingsland based on a tweet by Emilio RodriguezComedy | 35-45 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book7 females, 3 males, 6 either (9-22 actors possible)

When sweet, nerdy Sadie is announced as the winner of The Pack-age, America’s hottest TV singing competition, she is thrilled to sud-denly be on the fast track to the top. There’s just one hitch: no ce-lebrity is complete without a scandal. Luckily, the show’s producers have plenty of pre-built scenarios for Sadie to try on for size, includ-ing raving with European bodybuilders and bullying two Twitter-hap-py assistants. Will Sadie find the scandal to launch her career, or will the studio’s meddling wreck her image—and her dreams—before the morning talk shows? Finalist for the Playscripts, Inc. Pitch ‘N’ Play playwriting contest (2012)

Nancy Blue: Girl DetectiveMegan Mostyn-BrownComedy | 35-45 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book14 females, 2 males, 1 either (17 actors possible)

Framed as a radio play, this creative and jaunty noir spoof of Nancy Drew has Nancy Blue searching to uncover who has kidnapped the high school principal. It won’t be easy in a hard-boiled world of mount-ing suspicions and mysterious events—not to mention diva actresses, a stubborn rookie cop, a bossy older sister, and an AV Nerd who always adds her two cents. Can this tough young gumshoe figure out where the principal has vanished to, and what is giving off that awful smell?

All I Really Need to Know I Learned From Being a ZombieJason PizzarelloComedy/Drama | 35-50 mins | $45 per perf, $7.99 per book2 females, 2 males, 14 either (5-45 actors possible)

In today’s chaotic, challenging world, we often don’t know where to turn for help. Little did we know that life’s most valuable lessons lie within the undead. Finally, zombies engage us with musings on life, death, and everything in between. They show us that brains aren’t everything... you are what you eat... and what doesn’t kill you makes you... more alive.

Letters to KurtJanine NabersDrama | 25-30 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book7 females, 2 males, 9 either (18 actors possible)

Sixteen-year-old outcast Molly doesn’t seem to fit in anywhere. Her family barely knows she exists, the kids at school think she’s a “de-pressed freak,” and even her two best friends are having trouble understanding her. When the only comfort in her life, music, is dis-rupted by the death of Kurt Cobain, Molly’s world is turned upside down. But her plans to leave the miserable town of Walla Walla behind for good are intersected by the person she least expects.

Apocalypse or BustDavis AlianielloComedy | 40-50 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book2 females, 5 males, 12 either (9-19 actors possible)

It’s doomsday, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have been called into action. Unfortunately, it turns out they’re completely unpre-pared and have accidentally killed their horses. Luckily, the four con-tentious personalities (Conquest, War, Famine, and Death) meet Phyl-lis—a recently deceased Midwestern woman and their human liaison for the End of Days. Together, they hitchhike their way to Earth, but various forgotten cultural figures keep delaying their progress. Will the Horsemen reach their destination in time to cause the end of the world?

Lovers, Lunatics, and PoetsKelly McAllisterComedy | 30-40 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book11 females, 5 males, 4 either (16-20 actors possible)

When the real Puck appears after a bad rehearsal of a high school production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, his mischief only makes matters worse. As he meddles with a production filled with drama di-vas, an over-the-top director, terrible actors, and the cast and crew’s own scrapes with unrequited love, chaos descends. Identities are mistaken, spells are cast, and an actor gets transformed into a pyg-my hippo—yet somehow, in true theater fashion, the show manages to go on. Finalist for the Playscripts, Inc. Pitch ‘N’ Play play-writing contest (2012)

It’s Not You, It’s YouWerner TrieschmannComedy | 35-45 mins | $40 per perf, $7.99 per book9 females, 5 males, 8 either (14-22 actors possible)

Desperately searching for love in all of the wrong people, Bill repeat-edly returns to the romantic Red Arrow restaurant to carry out his very un-romantic break-ups. But who can blame him when his string of girlfriends includes a hard-core cat lady, a former pageant winner who won’t stop wearing her crown, and an attention-starved Lady Gaga? A hilarious look at the art of dumping a dud.

That’s Not How I Remember ItDon ZolidisComedy | 35-45 mins | $40 per perf, $7.99 per book8 females, 8 males, 6 either (13-22 actors possible)

HIGH SCHOOL


ONE-ACTS Ideal Cast Size 23-42 | FULL-LENGTHS Ideal Cast Size 4-5 HIGH SCHOOL

When their son Tommy wants to hear the story of how Barry and Lola first met, it becomes clear that their memories aren’t exactly in sync. While Barry remembers taking down a gang of thugs to impress Lola with his karate skills, she’s pretty sure they met when he faked a fall in their high school hallway. An homage to 80s movie stereotypes, this flashback-packed play is a hilarious ode to the in-adequacies of memory.

Facebook Ruins Everything Ian McWethyComedy | 25-35 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book5 females, 8 males, 10 either (11-23 actors possible)

Two teenagers are Facebooking outside of a stranger’s home when self-proclaimed playwright Ian McWethy steals their cellphones and forces them to read his “play” about the corruption of Facebook. The teenagers are not impressed but must read the play’s different scenes about Facebook’s harms to society in the hopes of getting their phones back.

Winning WhinersMcKenna Bovey, Alan Haehnel, Noah Lowenthal and Vanessa MaeComedy | 40-50 mins | $40 per perf, $8.99 per book2 males, 21 either (23 actors possible)

Four high school teams are pitted against each other in the ultimate competition: the Unified Regional All American Gripe Champion-ships. The best whiners from across the country face off to see who can grumble with the most style and vigor, whether lamenting the perkiness of morning radio DJs or the perils of a snoring bunk mate at summer camp. With the reigning champs scoring poorly and the contest announcers holding a bickering match of their own, the out-come is anyone’s guess. A lively send-up of high school debate and our culture of complaining.

Rejection! or, Will Date For FoodIan McWethyComedy | 25-35 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book13 females, 12 males (16-25 actors possible)

After their parents threaten to stop feeding them if they don’t go to prom, two teens are forced to ask out as many people as possible until they each find a date. But as they scout their respective schools, hilarity and insanity ensue. From the young man intent on bringing his whole family with him, to the clueless nerd who thinks “Prom” is a type of beverage, to the daredevil who plans to bring fireworks, it soon becomes clear that any date will make this dance one to remember.

The Locker Next 2 Mine Jonathan DorfDramedy | 35-45 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book13 females, 7 males, 7 either (14-40 actors possible)

For Alisa, it’s already tough being a mid-year arrival in her junior year. To make matters worse, her locker is next to a sprawling shrine for Beth Turner, a lacrosse player who died a year earlier. While Alisa tries to eke out space for her books, the popular “M Squad” harass-es the rest of the school into a state of non-stop remembrance for Beth. But when Alisa befriends Brady, a former student reporter, she discovers another recent death that was completely overshadowed by Beth’s, leaving many students feeling isolated. Can the students band together to acknowledge these losses and begin to heal?

RodeoPhilip DawkinsComedy | 50-60 mins | $40 per perf, $7.99 per book4 females, 13 males, 25 either (16-42 actors possible)

Rough and tumble cowgirl Cody and her persnickety mule, Sprez-zatura, ride into town fixin’ to win the annual rodeo. Only one prob-lem: girls aren’t allowed to compete. Unwilling to lay down the lasso so easily, Cody and Sprezzatura whip up the perfect plan to dis-guise themselves as a boy and a horse and sneak their way into the competitors’ ring. Western-y and Shakespearean-y shenanigans ensue when a dastardly villain, a slew of singing horses, and an unexpected romance come between Cody and her master plan to win the day in this rootin-tootin’ comedy.

Full-Lengths




Love is hard at any age. In kindergarten, five-year-old Sam falls for Stacey, a tough Girl Scout who wants to be a cowboy when she grows up—just like he does. But Stacey eventually breaks Sam’s heart, and instead of growing up to ride the range, he becomes a jad-ed radio show host. As “Dr. Love,” Sam (not-so-secretly) pines for the long-lost Stacey, and dishes out cynical advice to frustrated couples like Mike and Katie, whose relationship has grown stale after 5 years together. When Mike and Katie cross paths with a grown-up Stacey in a TGI Fridays, Stacey is thrust back into Sam’s life with hilarious and touching results. “Highly recommended.” --LA Weekly


Watch Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy fall in love all over again—this time filtered through the world of the internet. Modern voices interject and build on this classic love story in the form of blog posts, chat room discussions, quotes from film adaptations, and even let-ters from Ms. Austen herself to create a delightfully postmodern view of 19th century England. Written for five actors to play every role, Pride@Prejudice is a hilarious and moving homage to Jane Austen’s most beloved novel, as well our love affair with reading.Best New Play, The Columbus Dispatch


FULL-LENGTHS Ideal Cast Size 5-9HIGH SCHOOL


Priscilla, a lonely woman who works at a hobby shop, is so empathet-ic that she cries nightly while watching game shows. But her evening routine gets weird when she starts receiving 3 AM phone calls—from aliens. When she finally picks up, the aliens ask her a big favor: to save the world. In this fantastical play examining loss, love, and the search for answers, Priscilla looks to the only expert she knows, her favorite game show contestant Simon, to save both worlds before it’s too late. 2011 Best Comedy - Capital City Fringe Festival


What if Romeo had stayed helplessly in love with Rosaline, instead of Juliet? What if Mercutio and Tybalt hadn’t died—but gotten together instead? In this Shakespearean take on the Choose Your Own Ending model, the audience decides whether everybody lives—or everybody dies. With eight possible endings that bridge comedy and tragedy, this isn’t the tale of star-crossed lovers that you read in high school. A fun, interactive reimagining of Shakespeare’s most beloved romance. Pick of the Fringe: Best Overall Show (Capital Fringe Festival 2010)



Peter Pan and Wendy: A MusicalAlyn Cardarelli and Steve GoersMusical | 70-80 mins2 females, 5 males (7-13 actors possible)


Toward the SunAlan Haehnel and Bruce MillerDrama | 80-90 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book5 females, 2 males (7 actors possible)

When high school daredevil Courtney vows to dive off the highest boul-der in Mount Granite Quarry, she sets off a chain of events that force her friends to question their own relationships to privacy, technology, and secrecy. When everyone has a camera and any act of desperation or plea for attention can be uploaded to the web, who pays the price? This play, made up almost entirely of two-person scenes, grapples with the realities of living a life on the edge while everyone watches.




Doomed to repeat the traditional life of an Italian harlequin and re-jected by the love of his life, Isabella, Truffaldino shirks his old world commedia dell’arte upbringing and two-steps across the Atlantic to find a strangely parallel, modern new world of situation comedy, and a new love, Debbie. But the old world discovers it still needs Truffaldino and comes barreling after him, resulting in a hilarious collision of genres and mistaken identities. When Truffaldino realiz-es that the problems of Venice Beach aren’t so very different than those of Venice, Italy, he must decide to which of these worlds he ultimately belongs.




Abandoned as a child to the care of Squire Allworthy, Tom Jones is now all grown up and launched into the bewildering romantic world. He falls madly in love with the virtuous Sophia Western—but


HIGH SCHOOL

Sophia’s father is determined to keep the two apart. In his pursuit of true love, the well-intentioned Tom finds himself the object of female attention and romantic complication. But will these misadventures permanently jeopardize his chances with Sophia? Adapted from the classic novel by Henry Fielding, Tom Jones is a bawdy and rollicking comedy for the stage that will have the audience in stitches.


This emotional holiday play recreates a 1940s radio show that could have been broadcast during a Christmas Eve in WWII. Using period songs and reenacted stories inspired by actual veterans, A World War II Radio Christmas transports the audience to another time, but also inspires them to think about war today, and the importance of coming together for the holidays.


Based on actual events, A Bright Swarm of Beetles follows the breath-taking career of the greatest writer of the Soviet Union: Mikhail Bulga-kov. From his beginnings in the Red revolution as a nearly homeless opium addict to the dizzying heights of literary stardom, Bulgakov struggles to write in a world fraught with madness and betrayal. After his work is denounced and banned, Bulgakov is offered a chance at redemption by the sinister dictator Joseph Stalin—but he must choose between his art and his survival. A wild, fast-paced journey through fifteen years of one of the darkest periods of modern history.




This modern musical adaptation lifts Jane Austen’s comedy of man-ners out of Regency England and sets it down in contemporary Connecticut. Emma, a graduate student at Highbury College, em-barks on a personal mission to set up a lonely gay student named Harry with a suitable boyfriend. She sets her sights on school a cappella star Trevor, but her plan is soon complicated by the return of an old rival and a visit from a British film star. Emma’s mentor/ad-visor, Dr. Knight, and her old friend, Miss Bates, join the fracas—and the rural college soon teems with missed connections. A delightful and deeply felt spin on the original. Winner, the New York Music Theatre Festival’s Director’s Choice Award

Treasure Island: A Musical PantoBook by Kathryn Petersen, Music and Lyrics by Michael OgbornMusical Comedy | 90-100 mins 3 females, 9 males, 1 either (12-20 actors possible)

Everybody say “Aargh!” “X” marks the spot in this raucous new mu-sical panto based on the classic by Robert Louis Stevenson. Armed with just a treasure map and her spirit of adventure, young Jamie Hawkins joins Captain Smilenot and the rest of the rabble aboard Ye Old Blowharde as they set sail for a mysterious island. Little do they know, Jamie’s mother has boarded the ship as a stowaway and the ship’s cook, Long John Silver, has his own questionable plans for the treasure. The crew sings, dances, staggers, and swims their way through a few of the Seven Seas in search of Billy Bones’ riches. Chock-full of hilarity and hijinks, this Treasure Island is for pirates (or pirates at heart) of any age.

LENGTH Ideal Cast SizeFULL-LENGTHS Ideal Cast Size 9-13

Emma, Professional Performing Arts School, The Actors Institute, and Waterwell, New York, NY (2011).


FULL-LENGTHS Ideal Cast Size 13-36HIGH SCHOOL

There’s an App for That?Alan GriffithFarce | 80-90 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book7 females, 6 males (13 actors possible)

It’s Friday after school and the science lab is empty—or so every-one thinks. Miss B., the eccentric science teacher, is secretly using the lab to conduct her questionable experiments. David is counting on meeting up with his new lady love, Ukranian student Anichka, without getting caught by his girlfriend, Rebecca. Meanwhile, two loveable nerds plot to increase their social standing by developing a new smartphone app with potentially dangerous (but comical) rami-fications. When the school principal brings in the cops to expel Miss B., stories collide to hilarious effect in this fast-paced and witty farce.

Pride and Prejudice: The Musical Book by Jon Jory, Music and lyrics by Peter Ekstrom Musical Comedy | 115-120 mins8 females, 6 males (14-22 actors possible)


Ten Red KingsMark RigneyDramedy | 95-105 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book6 females, 4 males, 4 either (10-18 actors possible)

One year into college and still grieving over the sudden death of her sister, Margot Cates plans to spend every waking minute of sum-mer vacation honing her skills at World of Warcraft. But before she can even log on, Margot finds herself unwillingly whisked away to a wilderness camp for online gaming addicts. Cut off from technology, the campers and counselors wrestle with personal demons both on-line and off. A contemporary play built on contemporary concerns, Ten Red Kings uses music, dance, and live-action avatars to bridge the ever-shrinking gap between reality and digital fantasy.

Life in the MiddleKJ Sanchez, Music and Lyrics by PK PickensRock Musical | 60-70 mins 4 females, 4 males, 7 either (8-17 actors possible)

Based on interviews with real students, this inventive musical delves into the shifting perspectives middle schoolers have regard-ing their families, school, growing pains, and what it really feels like to be caught in that strange age between childhood and adulthood. Designed for actors in middle school to perform with their own rock band, Life in the Middle offers young and old audiences alike an inspiring glimpse into the lives of some extraordinary kids and re-minds those in middle school today that they are not alone.

This is HamletTim BrownellComedy | 60-65 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book4 females, 5 males, 6 either (15-31 actors possible)

A saucy pair of elderly narrators guides the audience through Shake-speare’s most famous tragedy...with a few dance breaks to lighten the mood, of course. This fast-paced spoof demystifies Hamlet for younger audiences while remaining faithful to the Bard’s tragic plot twists. Well. Mostly. There may also be a couple of secret agents and a love doctor named Miami Moo Moo sprinkled in. A fun and clever introduction to literature’s most indecisive Dane.

Einstein’s BrainsPhilip DawkinsComedy | 60-70 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 10 males, 8 either (13-35 actors possible)

IT’S ALIVE! Albert Einstein’s brain, that is. Sci-Fi geek and pizza delivery boy Otto must make the most important delivery of all time when the mad scientist Dr. Harvey Thomas gives Otto and his talking dog, Swamp Thing, the task of safely delivering Einstein’s brain to a college in Berkeley, where it will be properly studied. Sounds easy, right? Save for a few hilarious distractions (a musical group of pre-served body parts, a horde of zombies, and an evil, even madder scientist) it should be a piece of cake! Can Otto and his dog make it to their destination in relatively one piece? Pun intended.

Homework Eats Dog: The MusicalRobert Gattie and Alan HaehnelMusical Comedy | 110-120 mins 10 females, 5 males, 13 either (16-50 actors possible)

For science teacher Douglas Kobekeaneski, there’s nothing more delightful than the “Hour of Desperation,” that magical time before his immensely important, grade-devastating assignment is due. Each year, his students trot out a litany of outrageous excuses, in-cluding the greatest of them all: My homework ate my dog. All the dark humor of the original short play is given hilarious new life in this musical version. Available Fall 2013.

Love at First BiteBook and Lyrics by Jodi Picoult, Book by Jake van Leer, Music and Lyrics by Ellen WilberMusical Comedy | 90-95 mins 17 females, 11 males, 7 either (35-55 actors possible)

A new school and a new girlfriend: things are looking good for teen vampire Drake. Except, of course, that his sweetheart Lucy’s mom—the principal of the school—is also a vampire hunter. Can Drake outwit Principal Stake and Lucy’s jealous ex-boyfriend? Only with the help of new friends like Frank N. Stein and Scrappy, the un-usually hairy basketball player with a thing for howling at the moon. With a hilarious cast of misfit characters and catchy songs, Love at First Bite is a monstrously good time. Available Fall 2013.

It’s All Greek to Me!Brendan Boland and Adam CrescenziMythological Adventure Comedy | 80-90 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book | 9 females, 15 males, 12 either (10-36 actors possible)

Gods and mortals alike are shocked when the scheming Hades kid-naps Persephone from Mt. Olympus and holds her hostage in the Un-derworld. A pack of vain reporters clamors outside the gates of Zeus’s palace to get the scoop, while the Goddess of the Harvest crankily destroys all of the crops in an attempt to win Persephone back. In the midst of it all, two unlikely heroes arise in the form of a young lute player named Orpheus and his bride-to-be, Eurydice, who brave Hades’ bizarre kingdom in this clever send-up of Greek mythology.

Actor's Choice monologue books are unlike other monologue books. The source material of every monologue is available through our website,

where you can read nearly the entire published script online for free. Whether you're looking for a monologue for classwork, competitions,

or auditions, you'll be sure to find a perfect fit in this collection.

COMING SOON: Monologues for Women,

Volume 2

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onologues for Wom

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Actor’s Choice: Monologues for Women, Volume 2continues the Actor’s Choice series with a brand-new selection of exceptional contemporary monologues.From sidesplitting comedy to compelling drama and everything in-between, this book has you covered.

Unlike other monologue books, the source of every monologue is easily accessible — each play is available through one website (www.playscripts.com), whereyou can read nearly the entire published script online for free.

Explore the work of today’s most celebrated theatrical voices, including Robert Schenkkan, Lisa D’Amour,Ellen McLaughlin, Craig Lucas, Elizabeth Meriwether,Taylor Mac, and many more!

Also in this series:Actor’s Choice: Monologues for Women

Actor’s Choice: Monologues for MenActor’s Choice: Monologues for Teens

Actor’s Choice: Monologues for Teens, Volume 2

9 781623 840013

51495>ISBN 978-1-62384-001-3

$14.95

$14.95Playscripts, Inc.

www.playscripts.com

Cover design by Another Limited Rebellion

Discover a monologue book like no other.

Foreword by Janet Zarish, Head of Acting, NYU Tisch School of the Arts Graduate Acting Program

PlayscriptsInc.

According to the Educational Theatre Association’s Play Survey 2011-2012, 9 out of 11 of the most performed short plays came from Playscripts.

- Check Please- How to Succeed in High School Without Really Trying- The Brother’s Grimm Spectaculathon- Law and Order: Fairy Tale Unit- 13 Ways to Screw Up Your College Interview- It’s Not You, It’s Me- The Audition- Bad Auditions by Bad Actors- The Seussification of Romeo and Juliet

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34

56

78

9

Head to our website now to checkout even more great high school shorts:www.playscripts.com

1 2 7 8 9

WE KNOW SHORT PLAYS.


Middle School

One-Acts









The Short Story of Michael FishJanece ShafferComedy | 45-55 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book5 females, 3 males (8 actors possible)

After years living abroad, Julia Mahood returns home for middle school. No one is more excited to see her than Michael Fish, her childhood friend who remembers everything about her younger self—even her second grade Halloween costume. When Will, the inarticulate star of the basketball team, begs Michael to help him woo Julia, he agrees. But as Julia falls for Will (who is actually Mi-chael sending her text messages), Michael realizes that in helping his friend, he is also hurting himself. A hilarious update of Cyrano de Bergerac for our modern technological age.



10 Ways to Survive the Zombie ApocalypseDon ZolidisComedy | 30-35 mins | $45 per perf, $7.99 per book5 females, 3 males, 2 either (8-24 actors possible)

It’s the end of the world and hordes of rampaging zombies are about to kill you. What do you do? Try your hand at kung fu against the un-dead? Attempt to reason with creatures that would rather eat brains than use them? Turn to this handy and hilarious guide to survive the apocalypse! (Hint: sacrificing the weak is step number one.)

Checkout our newest musicals available for

licensing now! www.playscripts.com/

musicals

- Check Please- How to Succeed in High School Without Really Trying- The Brother’s Grimm Spectaculathon- Law and Order: Fairy Tale Unit- 13 Ways to Screw Up Your College Interview- It’s Not You, It’s Me- The Audition- Bad Auditions by Bad Actors- The Seussification of Romeo and Juliet


Lip ServiceBradley HaywardComedy | 25-35 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book1 female, 1 male, 10 either (12 actors possible)

They say love conquers all, but that was before Pardonnez Moi opened its doors. When Charlie made his reservation at the roman-tic restaurant to ask for Laura’s hand in marriage, he had no idea that his proposal would be repeatedly thwarted by a revolving staff of cuckoos. Among them are a waitress obsessed with conspiracy theories, a bus boy with a cabaret act, a chef with an accent thicker than his gravy, and a violinist that doesn’t even know how to play. As Laura flits from disaster to disaster, Charlie tries desperately to make heads or tails of the nonsense spewing from everyone’s lips.

Pass It On, or The First Period Note That Almost Destroyed the WorldIan McWethyComedy | 30-40 mins | $40 per perf, $7.99 per book4 females, 5 males, 3 either (12-16 actors possible)

Jenna has given Mark a simple task: pass a note to John Stenson. It should have been easy. But when Mark confuses John with Shawn, another student confuses Shawn spelled with a “W” and Shaun with a “U”, and so on and so on...it sets off a chain of miscommunications that could lead to World War III. Or not. Probably not. But a series of mishaps and “Who’s on First”-esque silliness ensues in a comedy that asks...wait...what was the question again?

How to Kiss a GirlWade Bradford based on a tweet by Leslie TannerComedy | 30-40 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book7 females, 5 males, 2 either (9-14 actors possible)

When young Ken Beardsley gets ready for his very first date, he de-cides to download audio advice from across the centuries in order to impress his high school crush, Steph. However, the date quickly spirals out of control as he tries to simultaneously follow dating tips from a communist-fearing nationalist from the 50s, a swashbuckling pirate, a sweet southern belle, and a puritanical pilgrim. Poor Ken realizes that if he really wants to win Steph’s heart, he’ll need to tune out his smart-phone and tune in to his own instincts before it’s too late. Winner of the Playscripts, Inc. Pitch ‘N’ Play playwriting contest (2012)

Bad SubstituteSean AbleyComedy | 35-45 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book2 females, 3 males, 11 either (10-36 actors possible)

Ms. Rabbitoff, an insane Francis Bacon enthusiast, poses as a sub-stitute teacher and takes an AP English class hostage in an attempt to convince them that Bacon was the real genius behind Shake-speare’s plays. By acting out imagined versions of Shakespearean plays (sometimes hilariously blended with other great works of liter-ature), Rabbitoff and the students battle it out to prove who knows more about the literary canon. Only the students can defend Shake-speare’s great name, and fight for their right to attend their next class.

Drama Geeks vs. Zombie Cheerleaders Kathryn WalatComedy | 25-35 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book11 females, 5 males (15-16 actors possible)

The Drama Club notices that their biggest rivals, The Cheerleaders, are acting unusual. They’re beginning to smell, and they seem to have an odd taste for human flesh... yup, they’ve turned into zom-bies. With the big Homecoming game approaching, Head Zom-bie-Cheerleader Peaches organizes her undead followers to plan a feast on the rest of the school. It’s up to the Drama Geeks to use their gift for dramatic flair to slay their rivals. Can a ragtag band of over-dramatic misfits defeat the zombies—and save the world—be-fore it’s too late?

Apocalypse or BustDavis AlianielloComedy | 40-50 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book2 females, 5 males, 12 either (9-19 actors possible)

It’s doomsday, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have been called into action. Unfortunately, it turns out they’re completely unpre-pared and have accidentally killed their horses. Luckily, the four con-tentious personalities (Conquest, War, Famine, and Death) meet Phyl-lis—a recently deceased Midwestern woman and their human liaison for the End of Days. Together, they hitchhike their way to Earth, but various forgotten cultural figures keep delaying their progress. Will the Horsemen reach their destination in time to cause the end of the world?

ONE-ACTS Ideal Cast Size 12-19MIDDLE SCHOOL

Drama Geeks vs. Zombie Cheerleaders, New York, New York, (2012). Photo: Cressa Amundsen


ONE- ACTS Ideal Cast Size 22-42 | FULL-LENGTHS Ideal Cast Size 2-10 MIDDLE SCHOOL

It’s Not You, It’s YouWerner TrieschmannComedy | 35-45 mins | $40 per perf, $7.99 per book9 females, 5 males, 8 either (14-22 actors possible)

Desperately searching for love in all of the wrong people, Bill repeat-edly returns to the romantic Red Arrow restaurant to carry out his very un-romantic break-ups. But who can blame him when his string of girlfriends includes a hard-core cat lady, a former pageant winner who won’t stop wearing her crown, and an attention-starved Lady Gaga? A hilarious look at the art of dumping a dud.

Facebook Ruins EverythingIan McWethyComedy | 25-35 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book5 females, 8 males, 10 either (11-23 actors possible)

Two teenagers are Facebooking outside of a stranger’s home when self-proclaimed playwright Ian McWethy steals their cellphones and forces them to read his “play” about the corruption of Facebook. The teenagers are not impressed but must read the play’s different scenes about Facebook’s harms to society in the hopes of getting their phones back.

Winning WhinersMcKenna Bovey, Alan Haehnel, Noah Lowenthal and Vanessa MaeComedy | 40-50 mins | $40 per perf, $8.99 per book2 males, 21 either (23 actors possible)

Four high school teams are pitted against each other in the ultimate competition: the Unified Regional All American Gripe Championships. The best whiners from across the country face off to see who can grum-ble with the most style and vigor, whether lamenting the perkiness of morning radio DJs or the perils of a snoring bunk mate at summer camp. With the reigning champs scoring poorly and the contest announcers holding a bickering match of their own, the outcome is anyone’s guess. A lively send-up of high school debate and our culture of complaining.



RodeoPhilip DawkinsComedy | 50-60 mins | $40 per perf, $7.99 per book4 females, 13 males, 25 either (16-42 actors possible)

Rough and tumble cowgirl Cody and her persnickety mule, Sprez-zatura, ride into town fixin’ to win the annual rodeo. Only one prob-lem: girls aren’t allowed to compete. Unwilling to lay down the lasso so easily, Cody and Sprezzatura whip up the perfect plan to dis-guise themselves as a boy and a horse and sneak their way into the competitors’ ring. Western-y and Shakespearean-y shenanigans ensue when a dastardly villain, a slew of singing horses, and an unexpected romance come between Cody and her master plan to win the day in this rootin-tootin’ comedy.

Full-Lengths





Ben and the Magic PaintbrushBathsheba DoranComedy for Young Audiences | 65-75 mins$75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 3 males, 2 either (6-11 actors possible)

Megan and Ben are orphaned siblings alone in the world. She earns pennies as a human statue—painted silver—while her little broth-er draws marvelous portraits with only a stubby pencil. One fateful day, his artwork catches the eye of the malicious Mrs. Crawley, who has a scheme to make millions with a magic paintbrush. When she captures Ben and puts him to work, it’s up to Megan and their new friend Pierre to help him escape, discovering the value of kindness and bravery along the way. An enchanting story from olden times comes to life in this modern-day fairy tale.

There’s an Alligator Under My Bed, A Night-mare in My Closet, and Something in My AtticBook by James Larson and Mercer Mayer, Music and Lyrics by Stuart KennyMusical | 60-65 mins2 females, 3 males, 5 either (6-15 actors possible)

When nighttime comes and the lights go out, there always seems to be something lurking in the shadows. This trio of classic Mercer Mayer stories takes a close look at the things that go bump in the night—and finds that they’re not all as scary as they first appear. Proving that conquering your fears just takes a little effort (and may-be a little food), this delightful musical adaptation is sure to tickle both the young and the young at heart.


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Life in the MiddleKJ Sanchez, Music and Lyrics by PK PickensRock Musical | 60-70 mins4 females, 4 males, 7 either (8-17 actors possible)

Based on interviews with real students, this inventive musical delves into the shifting perspectives middle schoolers have regard-ing their families, school, growing pains, and what it really feels like to be caught in that strange age between childhood and adulthood. Designed for actors in middle school to perform with their own rock band, Life in the Middle offers young and old audiences alike an inspiring glimpse into the lives of some extraordinary kids and re-minds those in middle school today that they are not alone.

“...a perfectly charming and often poignant look at those turbulent years, caught between childhood and maturity.” --Jay Handelman, Sarasota Herald-Tribune

Einstein’s BrainsPhilip DawkinsComedy | 60-70 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 10 males, 8 either (13-35 actors possible)

IT’S ALIVE! Albert Einstein’s brain, that is. Sci-Fi geek and pizza delivery boy Otto must make the most important delivery of all time when the mad scientist Dr. Harvey Thomas gives Otto and his talking dog, Swamp Thing, the task of safely delivering Einstein’s brain to a college in Berkeley, where it will be properly studied. Sounds easy, right? Save for a few hilarious distractions (a musical group of pre-served body parts, a horde of zombies, and an evil, even madder scientist) it should be a piece of cake! Can Otto and his dog make it to their destination in relatively one piece? Pun intended.

It’s All Greek to Me!Brendan Boland and Adam CrescenziMythological Adventure Comedy | 80-90 mins$75 per perf, $8.99 per book9 females, 15 males, 12 either (10-36 actors possible)

Gods and mortals alike are shocked when the scheming Hades kid-naps Persephone from Mt. Olympus and holds her hostage in the Un-derworld. A pack of vain reporters clamors outside the gates of Zeus’s palace to get the scoop, while the Goddess of the Harvest crankily destroys all of the crops in an attempt to win Persephone back. In the midst of it all, two unlikely heroes arise in the form of a young lute player named Orpheus and his bride-to-be, Eurydice, who brave Hades’ bizarre kingdom in this clever send-up of Greek mythology.

MIDDLE SCHOOL

eScripts now available

visit playscripts.com/discount to redeem your discount 23Christmas eScript Available Flexible Casting Musical

Theater for Young Audiences

Peter Pan and Wendy: A MusicalAlyn Cardarelli and Steve GoersMusical | 70-80 mins 2 females, 5 males (7-13 actors possible)

This panto-style reimagining of J.M. Barrie’s classic book focuses on Wendy’s transition from a child to a responsible young lady—with plenty of adventure in between! When Wendy refuses to leave the nursery and sleep downstairs, her mother gives her a mysteri-ous box containing Peter Pan’s shadow. Unable to resist, Wendy opens it, Peter arrives, and they’re off to Neverland! But even there, Wendy must learn what it means to grow up. Full of enchanting music and beloved characters, this is a treat for children of any age. Available Fall 2013.

Ben and the Magic PaintbrushBathsheba DoranComedy for Young Audiences | 65-75 mins$75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 3 males, 2 either (6-11 actors possible)

Megan and Ben are orphaned siblings alone in the world. She earns pennies as a human statue—painted silver—while her little broth-er draws marvelous portraits with only a stubby pencil. One fateful day, his artwork catches the eye of the malicious Mrs. Crawley, who has a scheme to make millions with a magic paintbrush. When she captures Ben and puts him to work, it’s up to Megan and their new friend Pierre to help him escape, discovering the value of kindness and bravery along the way.

There’s an Alligator Under My Bed, A Night-mare in My Closet, and Something in My AtticBook by James Larson and Mercer Mayer, Music and Lyrics by Stuart KennyMusical | 60-65 mins | 2 females, 3 males, 5 either (6-15 actors possible)

When nighttime comes and the lights go out, there always seems to be something lurking in the shadows. This trio of classic Mercer Mayer stories takes a close look at the things that go bump in the night—and finds that they’re not all as scary as they first appear. Proving that conquering your fears just takes a little effort (and may-be a little food), this delightful musical adaptation is sure to tickle both the young and the young at heart.

Treasure Island: A Musical PantoBook by Kathryn Petersen, Music and Lyrics by Michael OgbornMusical Comedy | 90-100 mins3 females, 9 males, 1 either (12-20 actors possible)

Everybody say “Aargh!” “X” marks the spot in this raucous new mu-sical panto based on the classic by Robert Louis Stevenson. Armed with just a treasure map and her spirit of adventure, young Jamie Hawkins joins Captain Smilenot and the rest of the rabble aboard Ye Old Blowharde as they set sail for a mysterious island. Little do they know, Jamie’s mother has boarded the ship as a stowaway and the ship’s cook, Long John Silver, has his own questionable plans for the treasure. The crew sings, dances, staggers, and swims their way through a few of the Seven Seas in search of Billy Bones’ riches. This Treasure Island is for pirates (or pirates at heart) of any age.

Discover more of your favorite children's book

scripts atPlayscripts.com/youth

Miss Nelson is Missing!, Stage One, Louisville, Kentucky (2005).

Photo: Kelly Wiegant Mangan.

Including:Miss Nelson is Missing, Peter Pan, Huck Finn,

Sleeping Beauty, and more!


College

One-Acts










The classic Gothic tale of Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre is deconstruct-ed and transformed into a comedy in this hilarious and fast-paced one-act. Despite a gruesomely unhappy younger life, Jane ascends from lowly orphan to governess at the strange and mysterious Thorn-field Hall, where she falls for the brooding master of the house. Nar-rated by Jane’s sassy and spoiled cousins, Georgiana and Eliza, and complete with a talking dog, imaginary horses, and, of course, the ag-onizing pain of unspoken love, you’ve never seen plain Jane like this before. Best One-Act, Siskiyou Performing Arts Center (2012)

Sadie and the PackageBen Kingsland based on a tweet by Emilio RodriguezComedy | 35-45 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book7 females, 3 males, 6 either (9-22 actors possible)

When sweet, nerdy Sadie is announced as the winner of The Pack-age, America’s hottest TV singing competition, she is thrilled to sud-denly be on the fast track to the top. There’s just one hitch: no ce-lebrity is complete without a scandal. Luckily, the show’s producers have plenty of pre-built scenarios for Sadie to try on for size, includ-ing raving with European bodybuilders and bullying two Twitter-hap-py assistants. Will Sadie find the scandal to launch her career, or will the studio’s meddling wreck her image—and her dreams—before the morning talk shows?

All I Really Need to Know I Learned From Being a Zombie Jason PizzarelloComedy/Drama | 35-50 mins | $45 per perf, $7.99 per book2 females, 2 males, 14 either (5-45 actors possible)


Letters to KurtJanine NabersDrama | 25-30 mins | $35 per perf, $7.99 per book7 females, 2 males, 9 either (18 actors possible)

Sixteen-year-old outcast Molly doesn’t seem to fit in anywhere. Her family barely knows she exists, the kids at school think she’s a “de-pressed freak,” and even her two best friends are having trouble understanding her. When the only comfort in her life, music, is dis-rupted by the death of Kurt Cobain, Molly’s world is turned upside down. But her plans to leave the miserable town of Walla Walla behind for good are intersected by the person she least expects.

That’s Not How I Remember ItDon ZolidisComedy | 35-45 mins | $40 per perf, $7.99 per book8 females, 8 males, 6 either (13-22 actors possible)

When their son Tommy wants to hear the story of how Barry and Lola first met, it becomes clear that their memories aren’t exactly in sync. While Barry remembers taking down a gang of thugs to impress Lola with his karate skills, she’s pretty sure they met when


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he faked a fall in their high school hallway. An homage to 80s movie stereotypes, this flashback-packed play is a hilarious ode to the in-adequacies of memory.



Full-Lengths

Fat BeckettGab Cody in collaboration with Rita ReisComedy | 75-90 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book2 females (2 actors possible)

In this female homage to Waiting for Godot, two women find them-selves trapped in an existential everywhere. Instead of an endless wait for an absent figure, however, Sophie and Kiki embark on an eternal search for their little lost goat, Biquette. The pair is fated to travel always together—gorging on profiteroles, discussing the merits of a festival of vomiting donkeys, and arguing over whether it is worse to be condemned to stay in one place or to travel your entire life. Utilizing repetition, shadow puppets, slapstick, and mis-translation, Fat Beckett is a clever interrogation of the absurdities of human existence. Named one of the “Top Ten Plays of 2011” by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Two Jews Walk Into a War Seth RozinComedy | 70-80 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book2 males (2 actors possible)

It’s tough being a Jew in Afghanistan—so tough there are only two left. When the Taliban reduces their temple to rubble, cerebral ac-countant Ishaq and gruff carpet salesman Zeblyan must overcome their differences to keep their religious community alive. A modern vaudeville full of schtick, sorrow and survival. Available Fall 2013.



Full Bloom, Vital Theatre Company, New York, New York (2006). Photo: Sun Productions.

Toil and TroubleLauren GundersonComedy | 80-90 mins | $8.99 per perf, $75 per book1 female, 2 males (3 actors possible)

Underemployed friends Adam, Matt, and Beth are desperate to beat the recession any way they can—like combining forces to take over a small island in South America. But when a fortune cookie tells Matt that he will rule, and Beth gets a little too handy with a dagger, plans go awry. This hilarious adaptation of Shakespeare’s Macbeth pits friend against friend, ambition against fate, and pet-sitting against miniature vicuna mogul-dom.


Part memoir and part stand-up routine, this hilarious and affecting play breaks down just what makes Jewish mothers so lamentable, laughable, and lovable. Comedienne Judy Gold and playwright Kate Moira Ryan seamlessly weave together interviews with Jewish moth-ers from across the United States, and memories from Gold’s child-hood and her own experiences as a Jewish mother. A performance piece that explores it all: from rugelach to rabbis, mat zoh to marriage, Ann Landers to Anne Frank, and guilt to G-d. 2007 GLAAD Media Award for Outstanding New York Theater




Exit, Pursued by a BearLauren GundersonRevenge Comedy | 75-80 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book2 females, 2 males (4 actors possible)

Nan has decided to teach her abusive husband Kyle a lesson. With the help of her friend Simon (acting as her emotional—and actual—cheerleader) and a stripper named Sweetheart, she tapes Kyle to a chair and forces him to watch as they reenact scenes from their painful past. In the pièce de résistance, they plan to cover the room in meat and honey so Kyle will be mauled by a bear. Through this night of emotional trials and ridiculous theatrics, Nan and Kyle are both freed from their past in this smart, dark, revenge comedy. Best Showstopper, San Francisco Weekly (2012)

Miracle on South Division StreetTom DudzickComedy/Drama | 85-95 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 1 male (4 actors possible)

Meet the Nowaks of Buffalo, NY. Clara and her three grown kids have always known they were special, ever since the miraculous

night in 1942 when the Blessed Mother appeared to Grandpa in his barbershop! Since then, the neighborhood has looked upon the Nowaks’ 20-foot commemorative shrine as a beacon of hope and faith amidst the urban rubble. And now daughter Ruth unveils her plan to write and star in a one-woman show about the family miracle so the “whole world will know!” However, as her plans for theatrical immortality unfold, the entire family’s faith is shaken to the very core when a deathbed confession causes the family legend to unravel. The results are heartfelt and hilarious. (Included is a guide for turn-ing this play into a Christmas Play.)


Love is hard at any age. In kindergarten, five-year-old Sam falls for Stacey, a tough Girl Scout who wants to be a cowboy when she grows up—just like he does. But Stacey eventually breaks Sam’s heart, and instead of growing up to ride the range, he becomes a jaded radio show host. As “Dr. Love,” Sam (not-so-secretly) pines for the long-lost Stacey, and dishes out cynical advice to frustrated couples like Mike and Katie, whose relationship has grown stale af-ter 5 years together. When Mike and Katie cross paths with a grown-up Stacey in a TGI Fridays, Stacey is thrust back into Sam’s life with hilarious and touching results.

Full BloomSuzanne BradbeerDrama | 85-95 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 2 males (5 actors possible)

Something is different about teenage Phoebe when she returns from her summer vacation in Italy. Suddenly, she can’t bear soci-ety’s obsession with youth and beauty. She becomes reckless—skipping school, and going out with guys she barely knows. Her fragile self-image is further shaken by her family and friends’ con-stant commentary on her appearance, her neighbor’s plans for plas-

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The Spoon River Project, Hallberg Theatre, Cal State Fullerton, Fullerton, CA (2012)



tic surgery, and her father’s recent move to live with a much-young-er mistress. When Phoebe’s behavior takes a drastic turn, it’s up to those she loves most to save her from herself before it’s too late.




Priscilla, a lonely woman who works at a hobby shop, is so empa-thetic that she cries nightly while watching game shows. But her evening routine gets weird when she starts receiving 3 AM phone calls—from aliens. When she finally picks up, the aliens ask her a big favor: to save the world. In this fantastical play examining loss, love, and the search for answers, Priscilla looks to the only expert she knows, her favorite game show contestant Simon, to save both worlds before it’s too late. 2011 Best Comedy - Capital City Fringe Festival

1984 by George Orwell Michael Gene SullivanDrama | 135-145 mins | $8.99 per book1 female, 5 males (6 actors possible)

Based on the iconic novel by George Orwell, 1984 brings us the story of Winston Smith, a cog in the giant machine state of Oceania. Physically and mentally under the omnipresent eye of Big Brother, Winston has been caught struggling for scraps of love and freedom in a world awash with distrust and violence. With the brutal “help” of four Party Members, Winston is forced to confess his Thoughtcrimes before an unseen inquisitor, and the audience—who act as a silent witness to his torture. A ferocious and provocative adaptation of one of the most prescient works of literature of the last century.

“Brilliant.” -- Arianna Huffington

Current Economic ConditionsDon ZolidisComedy | 95-105 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 3 males (6-12 actors possible)

After losing her low-level job in the publishing industry, Lily has no choice but to move back in with her well-meaning but neurotic par-ents. A series of disastrous interviews and her parents’ strict house rules have Lily feeling more like a troubled teenager than an em-ployable young woman—and the Justin Beiber posters in her old bedroom aren’t helping. Will she find a job before she loses both her sanity and her dignity? Edgerton New Play Award (2012)


What if Romeo had stayed helplessly in love with Rosaline, instead of Juliet? What if Mercutio and Tybalt hadn’t died—but gotten to-gether instead? In this Shakespearean take on the Choose Your Own Ending model, the audience decides whether everybody lives—or everybody dies. With eight possible endings that bridge comedy and tragedy, this isn’t the tale of star-crossed lovers that you read in high school. A fun, interactive reimagining of Shake-speare’s most beloved romance. Pick of the Fringe: Best Overall Show (Capital Fringe Festival 2010)



Toward the SunAlan Haehnel and Bruce MillerDrama | 80-90 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book5 females, 2 males (7 actors possible)

When high school daredevil Courtney vows to dive off the highest boul-der in Mount Granite Quarry, she sets off a chain of events that force her friends to question their own relationships to privacy, technology, and secrecy. When everyone has a camera and any act of desperation or plea for attention can be uploaded to the web, who pays the price? This play, made up almost entirely of two-person scenes, grapples with the realities of living a life on the edge while everyone watches.

Pride@Prejudice, Capital Repertory Theatre, Albany, New York (2012). Photo: Joe Schuyler.


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110 Stories Sarah TuftDrama | 110-115 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 5 males (8-27 actors possible)



Doomed to repeat the traditional life of an Italian harlequin and reject-ed by the love of his life, Isabella, Truffaldino shirks his old world com-media dell’arte upbringing and two-steps across the Atlantic to find a strangely parallel, modern new world of situation comedy, and a new love, Debbie. But the old world discovers it still needs Truffaldino and comes barreling after him, resulting in a hilarious collision of genres and mistaken identities. When Truffaldino realizes that the problems of Venice Beach aren’t so very different than those of Venice, Italy, he must decide to which of these worlds he ultimately belongs.






Based on actual events, A Bright Swarm of Beetles follows the breathtaking career of the greatest writer of the Soviet Union: Mikhail Bulgakov. From his beginnings in the Red revolution as a nearly homeless opium addict to the dizzying heights of literary star-dom, Bulgakov struggles to write in a world fraught with madness and betrayal. After his work is denounced and banned, Bulgakov is offered a chance at redemption by the sinister dictator Joseph Stalin—but he must choose between his art and his survival. A wild, fast-paced journey through fifteen years of one of the darkest peri-ods of modern history.

Six Characters in Search of an AuthorSteve MouldsComedy/Drama | 80-100 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book4 females, 4 males, 2 either (10 actors possible)

Six fictional characters, abandoned by their creator, invade a re-hearsal in progress and demand to be brought to life by a new au-thor. But the characters’ existential agenda collides with the career ambition of the theatre artists, to ridiculous effect. This intimate adaptation of Luigi Pirandello’s absurdist classic foregrounds the comedic contrast between the life-or-death melodrama of the char-acters and the freewheeling farce of the acting company—all the while asking us to consider just what we believe to be real. Jeff nomination for Best New Adaptation (Chicago)



Emma Stephen KaramMusical Comedy | 100-110 mins4 females, 5 males, 3 either (12-30 actors possible)

This modern musical adaptation lifts Jane Austen’s comedy of man-ners out of Regency England and sets it down in contemporary Connecticut. Emma, a graduate student at Highbury College, em-barks on a personal mission to set up a lonely gay student named Harry with a suitable boyfriend. She sets her sights on school a cappella star Trevor, but her plan is soon complicated by the return of an old rival and a visit from a British film star. Emma’s mentor/ad-visor, Dr. Knight, and her old friend, Miss Bates, join the fracas—and the rural college soon teems with missed connections. A delightful and deeply felt spin on the original. Winner, the New York Music Theatre Festival’s Director’s Choice Award

The Walk Across America for Mother EarthTaylor Mac, Music by Ellen MaddowComedic Play with Music | 110-120 mins4 females, 6 males, 2 either (10-12 actors possible)


Political activism meets bedazzled drag show in this story about two young friends who flee their suburban upbringing in “Real America” to join a ragtag group of activists on a protest march from D.C. to Nevada. On the road, the group attempts to establish a nomadic utopia, but the marchers continually find themselves divided by can-cer, unrequited affections, indecision, and a secret hunger for pow-er. Whimsically blending commedia dell’arte influences with song and dance, The Walk Across America for Mother Earth explores how the idea of community sometimes fails to unite us, and some-times brings us together in the most unexpected ways. Named one of ten best plays of 2011 by The New York Times.

Pride and Prejudice: The Musical Book by Jon Jory, Music and lyrics by Peter Ekstrom Musical Comedy | 115-120 mins8 females, 6 males (14-22 actors possible)


Ten Red KingsMark RigneyDramedy | 95-105 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book6 females, 4 males, 4 either (10-18 actors possible)

One year into college and still grieving over the sudden death of her sister, Margot Cates plans to spend every waking minute of sum-mer vacation honing her skills at World of Warcraft. But before she can even log on, Margot finds herself unwillingly whisked away to a wilderness camp for online gaming addicts. Cut off from technology, the campers and counselors wrestle with personal demons both on-

line and off. A contemporary play built on contemporary concerns, Ten Red Kings uses music, dance, and live-action avatars to bridge the ever-shrinking gap between reality and digital fantasy.

The Lily’s RevengeTaylor MacDramedy with Music | 150-300 mins 4 females, 3 males, 25 either (32-100 actors possible)

An anthropomorphized lily joins the cast of a romantic musical, de-spite the wishes of the Great Longing, a malicious stage curtain hell-bent on spreading nostalgia and institutionalized narrative. When the lily steals the story for itself in order to wed the bride, what follows is an epic dismantling of theatrical norms and an inspiring, raucous ode to storytelling in all its myriad forms. Part Noh play, part silent film, part musical, part art installation, The Lily’s Revenge is a one-of-a-kind celebration of theatre, non-traditional love, and the power of living in the here and now. 2010 Obie Award for TaylorMac (writer/actor), Named the best play of 2010 by Time Out NY and Paper Magazine. Available Fall 2013.

“This was the most challenging, exciting and wonderful theater event of the year.” --Paper Magazine

Love at First BiteBook and Lyrics by Jodi Picoult, Book by Jake van Leer, Music and Lyrics by Ellen WilberMusical Comedy | 90-95 mins17 females, 11 males, 7 either (35-55 actors possible)



A Bright Swarm of Beetles, Ursinus College, Collegeville, PA (2012).


Community

One-Acts




The classic Gothic tale of Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre is decon-structed and transformed into a comedy in this hilarious and fast-paced one-act. Despite a gruesomely unhappy younger life, Jane ascends from lowly orphan to governess at the strange and myste-rious Thornfield Hall, where she falls for the brooding master of the house. Narrated by Jane’s sassy and spoiled cousins, Georgiana and Eliza, and complete with a talking dog, imaginary horses, and, of course, the agonizing pain of unspoken love, you’ve never seen plain Jane like this before. Best One-Act, Siskiyou Performing Arts Center (2012)

All I Really Need to Know I Learned From Being a ZombieJason PizzarelloComedy/Drama | 35-50 mins | $45 per perf, $7.99 per book2 females, 2 males, 14 either (5-45 actors possible)


Full-Lengths

A Christmas Carol: The Radio ShowDavid AlbertsRadio Play | 70-90 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book1 either (1 actor possible)

It’s Christmas Eve, and with the actors snowed in and unable to make it to the studios of WXMS for the live radio performance of A

Christmas Carol, the sound effects person decides to take the audi-ence through the classic tale himself. In an impressive and amusing feat, this telling is performed as a 1940s radio play with one person providing all of the characters’ voices and sound effects. This rollick-ing, creative adaptation of Dickens’ classic work is sure to warm the hearts of even the chilliest audience members.


Part memoir and part stand-up routine, this hilarious and affecting play breaks down just what makes Jewish mothers so lamentable, laughable, and lovable. Comedienne Judy Gold and playwright Kate Moira Ryan seamlessly weave together interviews with Jewish moth-ers from across the United States, and memories from Gold’s child-hood and her own experiences as a Jewish mother. A performance piece that explores it all: from rugelach to rabbis, mat zoh to marriage, Ann Landers to Anne Frank, and guilt to G-d.





Miracle On South Division StreetTom DudzickComedy/Drama | 85-95 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 1 males (4 actors possible)

Meet the Nowaks of Buffalo, NY. Clara and her three grown kids have always known they were special, ever since the miraculous night in 1942 when the Blessed Mother appeared to Grandpa in his barber-shop! Since then, the neighborhood has looked upon the Nowaks’ 20-foot commemorative shrine as a beacon of hope and faith amidst the urban rubble. And now daughter Ruth unveils her plan to write and star


in a one-woman show about the family miracle so the “whole world will know!” However, as her plans for theatrical immortality unfold, the entire family’s faith is shaken to the very core when a deathbed confession causes the family legend to unravel. The results are heartfelt and hi-larious. (Included is a guide for turning this play into a Christmas Play.)


Love is hard at any age. In kindergarten, five-year-old Sam falls for Stacey, a tough Girl Scout who wants to be a cowboy when she grows up—just like he does. But Stacey eventually breaks Sam’s heart, and instead of growing up to ride the range, he becomes a jad-ed radio show host. As “Dr. Love,” Sam (not-so-secretly) pines for the long-lost Stacey, and dishes out cynical advice to frustrated couples like Mike and Katie, whose relationship has grown stale after 5 years together. When Mike and Katie cross paths with a grown-up Stacey in a TGI Fridays, Stacey is thrust back into Sam’s life with hilarious and touching results.

Elvis Has Left the BuildingV. Cate and Duke ErnsbergerComedy | 65-70 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book1 females, 3 males (4 actors possible)

It’s December 20th, 1970, and Elvis Presley has disappeared. No one, not even his wily manager, “The Colonel”, knows of his where-abouts. But the Colonel is all shook up because he has racked up a secret debt—and with the King himself missing, the only way to pay it off is to find an Elvis impersonator within 24 hours. Hijinks ensue as the Colonel takes desperate measures to replace a man who is

irreplaceable, all while keeping the prying eyes of a nosy reporter at bay and figuring out what happened to the real Elvis.

FloatPatricia KaneComedy/Drama | 110-120 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book5 females (5 actors possible)

The industrious members of the Budapest Women’s Club (pro-nounced “Bu-DA-pest”) come together for an annual tradition: the crafting of the holiday parade float. But under the surface of this pleasant gathering, the women find themselves grappling with sex-uality, betrayal, and their own hard-fast notions of right and wrong. In this ode to the complicated undercurrents of Midwestern morality, you’ll meet Marty, Luce, Char, Arletta, and Doodee: five women who face the tests life presents to them with laughter, love, and a lot of fake snow. 3 Joseph Jefferson Award nominations, includingBest New Work




Priscilla Dreams the Answer, Fresh Ink Theatre, Boston, Massachusetts (2011). Photo: Sarah E. Farbo.

COMMUNITY


COMMUNITY


Priscilla, a lonely woman who works at a hobby shop, is so empa-thetic that she cries nightly while watching game shows. But her evening routine gets weird when she starts receiving 3 AM phone calls—from aliens. When she finally picks up, the aliens ask her a big favor: to save the world. In this fantastical play examining loss, love, and the search for answers, Priscilla looks to the only expert she knows, her favorite game show contestant Simon, to save both worlds before it’s too late. 2011 Best Comedy -- Capital City Fringe Festival





The Oy of SexLen RichmondComedy | 100-110 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book3 females, 4 males (7 actors possible)

After leaving her cheating husband, Bea discovers, to her horror, that her nice Jewish son Hal has secretly been running a sex shop in London’s Soho district. When Hal closes up shop for a two-week holiday, his prudish mum insists upon smartening-up the ramshack-le store while he’s gone. Afraid to lose sales in the meantime, she finds she has a flare for counseling the lonely customers who wan-der in—and for selling them sex toys. Surrounded by edible knickers and blow-up dolls, Bea discovers more about sexuality than she ever wanted to know, which may be just what she needs to save her own troubled marriage. First Place winner, Alliance Repertory Company New Works Contest

“Len Richmond is London’s answer to Neil Simon.” —London Theatre Review




Doomed to repeat the traditional life of an Italian harlequin and re-jected by the love of his life, Isabella, Truffaldino shirks his old world commedia dell’arte upbringing and two-steps across the Atlantic to find a strangely parallel, modern new world of situation comedy, and a new love, Debbie. But the old world discovers it still needs Truffaldino and comes barreling after him, resulting in a hilarious collision of genres and mistaken identities. When Truffaldino realiz-es that the problems of Venice Beach aren’t so very different than those of Venice, Italy, he must decide to which of these worlds he ultimately belongs.

“Rib tickling...Say Yes to Funny Play.” --San Francisco Chronicle


It’s December 15, 1944 and you are the studio audience for a live radio show that will be rebroadcast on Christmas day to service men and women stationed throughout the world. For this magical hour we’ll cast a garland across the airways and unite our spirits to celebrate the holiday. We’ll tap our toes to the best of swing, share greetings with our brothers and sons, sisters and daughters. Backed by a sound master of live sound effects, our radio drama company will depict mo-ments from the year that will make you laugh, cry, or simply sigh.

Tom Jones Jon JoryComedy | 130-140 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book4 females, 5 males (9-27 actors possible)




FULL-LENGTHS Ideal Cast Size 10-35 COMMUNITY


Based on actual events, A Bright Swarm of Beetles follows the breath-taking career of the greatest writer of the Soviet Union: Mikhail Bulga-kov. From his beginnings in the Red revolution as a nearly homeless opium addict to the dizzying heights of literary stardom, Bulgakov struggles to write in a world fraught with madness and betrayal. After his work is denounced and banned, Bulgakov is offered a chance at redemption by the sinister dictator Joseph Stalin—but he must choose between his art and his survival. A wild, fast-paced journey through fifteen years of one of the darkest periods of modern history.

The Spoon River Project Tom AndoloraPlay with Music | 85-95 mins5 females, 6 males (10-18 actors possible)



This modern musical adaptation lifts Jane Austen’s comedy of man-ners out of Regency England and sets it down in contemporary Connecticut. Emma, a graduate student at Highbury College, em-barks on a personal mission to set up a lonely gay student named Harry with a suitable boyfriend. She sets her sights on school a cappella star Trevor, but her plan is soon complicated by the return of an old rival and a visit from a British film star. Emma’s mentor/ad-visor, Dr. Knight, and her old friend, Miss Bates, join the fracas—and the rural college soon teems with missed connections. A delightful and deeply felt spin on the original. Winner, the New York MusicTheatre Festival’s Director’s Choice Award

Treasure Island: A Musical PantoBook by Kathryn Petersen, Music and Lyrics by Michael OgbornMusical Comedy | 90-100 mins3 females, 9 males, 1 either (12-20 actors possible)

Everybody say “Aargh!” “X” marks the spot in this raucous new mu-sical panto based on the classic by Robert Louis Stevenson. Armed with just a treasure map and her spirit of adventure, young Jamie

Hawkins joins Captain Smilenot and the rest of the rabble aboard Ye Old Blowharde as they set sail for a mysterious island. Little do they know, Jamie’s mother has boarded the ship as a stowaway and the ship’s cook, Long John Silver, has his own questionable plans for the treasure. The crew sings, dances, staggers, and swims their way through a few of the Seven Seas in search of Billy Bones’ riches. Chock-full of hilarity and hijinks, this Treasure Island is for pirates (or pirates at heart) of any age.

There’s an App for That?Alan GriffithFarce | 80-90 mins | $75 per perf, $8.99 per book7 females, 6 males (13 actors possible)

It’s Friday after school and the science lab is empty—or so every-one thinks. Miss B., the eccentric science teacher, is secretly using the lab to conduct her questionable experiments. David is counting on meeting up with his new lady love, Ukranian student Anichka, without getting caught by his girlfriend, Rebecca. Meanwhile, two loveable nerds plot to increase their social standing by developing a new smartphone app with potentially dangerous (but comical) rami-fications. When the school principal brings in the cops to expel Miss B., stories collide to hilarious effect in this fast-paced and witty farce.

Pride and Prejudice: The Musical Book by Jon Jory, Music and Lyrics by Peter Ekstrom Musical Comedy | 115-120 mins8 females, 6 males (14-22 actors possible)


Love at First BiteBook and Lyrics by Jodi Picoult, Book by Jake van Leer, Music and Lyrics by Ellen WilberMusical Comedy | 90-95 mins17 females, 11 males, 7 either (35-55 actors possible)


‘Tis (almost) the season. Over 90 Christmas plays and musicals!

www.playscripts.com/christmas


Playscripts Inc. Catalog FREE Perusal:

THE LATEST NEWS FROM THE PRIMORDIAL OOZEBy Rich Orloff

To perform this play you must obtain performance rights at www.playscripts.com

Cast of Characters | BARRY, a male primordial creature, newly amphibious | MARJORIE, a female primordial creature, at home in the water | Place, A swamp | Time, Millions of years ago, late afternoon

AcknowledgmentsThe Latest News from the Primordial Ooze was first produced in June 2012 as part of the Pink Banana Theatre

Company’s “The End of the World as We Know It” Festival in Milwaukee with the following cast:BARRY, Harry Loeffler-Bell | MARJORIE, Allie Beckmann | DIRECTOR, Alan Piotrowicz

The current version of the play was first produced in November 2012 as part of the WorkShop Theater Company’s 2012 Cold Snaps Festival in New York City with the following cast:

BARRY, Simon Pearl | MARJORIE, Katie Braden | DIRECTOR, Wendy Seyb

The Latest News from the Primordial Ooze is part of Rich Orloff’s Pool Party, seven short comedies set around and in a swimming pool (or the imaginative equivalent).

(We hear sounds of water and splashing. Lights up to reveal a swamp [or at least some swampy lighting]. BARRY, a primordial creature, enters and swims to the swamp’s edge. He lifts his head above the water and looks around him to make sure he’s alone. When he’s confident he’s alone, he inhales and then exhales. This is still a new experience for him, and when he finishes, he shuts his mouth and absorbs the significance of what just happened—as much as a primordial creature can. He inhales and exhales again. With sudden confidence, he inhales and exhales with exuberance—far too much exuberance, alas, for he starts to cough. He submerges into the swampy water and lifts his head up again. He’s okay. He looks at his hands. Till now, they’ve been cupped. He looks around again and, when he’s sure he’s alone, he opens them. Fingers! He wiggles them. This is very exciting for him.)

(From afar, MARJORIE calls out:)

MARJORIE. (Offstage:) Barry!(BARRY quickly submerges or hides. MARJORIE enters and swims around looking for him.)

MARJORIE. Barry… Barry… I see you down there.(BARRY emerges. He hides his fingers.)

BARRY. Hi, Marjorie.MARJORIE. Where have you been?BARRY. Oh, just floatin’ around.MARJORIE. Everybody in the swamp is asking about you.BARRY. I—you know, I just needed some time alone.MARJORIE. You’re not spawning by yourself again, are you?BARRY. That was a rumor!MARJORIE. Well, you do spend a lot of time by yourself.BARRY. I was thinking.MARJORIE. We’re primordial creatures with brains the size of peas. What’s there to think about?BARRY. You’d be surprised.MARJORIE. Were you thinking about me?

BARRY. No.MARJORIE. Your brain’s smaller than you think.BARRY. Marjorie, can—can I trust you?MARJORIE. Cross my heart and hope to dive.

(BARRY slowly lifts his hands and displays his fingers. MARJORIE gasps.)

MARJORIE. What happened to your fins?!BARRY. I don’t know.MARJORIE. Did they get ripped on some coral?BARRY. No, they—MARJORIE. Did you get into fight with a swordfish?BARRY. They—they’ve been like this for years.MARJORIE. I never saw them before.BARRY. I’ve kept them covered with, with prosthetic fins.MARJORIE. You mean, all those times we swam by the lily pads at sunset, and you put your fin around me, it was covering those?BARRY. Yeah.MARJORIE. Oh, Barry, you poor, poor— You know, I know a stur-geon who could sew them up.BARRY. I don’t want them sewn up.MARJORIE. Don’t you want them fixed?BARRY. I used to, but now I think it’s, it’s… (With pride:) evolution.MARJORIE. That’s just a theory, Barry.BARRY. I don’t think—MARJORIE. Evolution’s just a fancy name for being different.BARRY. Look what they can do.

(BARRY wiggles his fingers.)MARJORIE. Well, that should help you pick up babes at the sand bar.BARRY. They’re very versatile. See?

(BARRY shows off what fingers can do. In the process, he pokes himself in the eye.)

BARRY. Ouch!MARJORIE. I think you should get them fixed.BARRY. I call them “fin-gers.”MARJORIE. Why?

FREE PERUSAL


BARRY. Because they’re part “fin” and part— (Turns them into claws) GRRRRRRR. With these things, I can grab, I can hunt. All sorts of animals and vegetables will become fin-grrr food. I am so powerful.MARJORIE. You need help.BARRY. Jealous.MARJORIE. Shredded fin freak.BARRY. I am not!MARJORIE. Nobody in my family has fin-gers. Nobody else in your family has fin-gers. Nobody I know wants fin-gers.BARRY. I’ll be able to do great things with these!MARJORIE. (Self-servingly skeptical:) Like what?BARRY. I’ll be able to crawl!MARJORIE. So can a crayfish—big deal!BARRY. On land!MARJORIE. Great, and every few minutes you’ll have to crawl back to the swamp to get some oxygen—BARRY. Guess again.MARJORIE. What do you mean, “Guess again”?BARRY. I can breathe…air.

(BARRY inhales and exhales deeply.)BARRY. Impressive, huh?

(MARJORIE doesn’t reply. In fact, she seems a bit sad.)BARRY. Marjorie?MARJORIE. You always have to be different.BARRY. I didn’t ask to be this way. I think it’s part of some, some grand design.MARJORIE. You know, I could stick some bamboo shoots on my fins and pretend I have fingers—BARRY. —Go right ah—MARJORIE. —but I won’t, and do you know why?BARRY. Why?MARJORIE. Because they’re stupid!BARRY. They’re not—MARJORIE. They’re no good for swimming.BARRY. I can move through water just as good as you can.MARJORIE. Oh, sure. As long as you can stop every five feet to poke yourself in the eye.BARRY. Race you across the swamp.MARJORIE. Fingers open?BARRY. Fingers open.MARJORIE. You’re on.BARRY. On your mark, get set, go.

(They race. She’s fast and direct. He zigzags and stops in the middle of the water.)

BARRY. How are you supposed to steer with these stupid things?!!!MARJORIE. Having a little problem with the extremities?BARRY. Bubble blower!MARJORIE. Mouth breather!BARRY. Hey, I didn’t ask to be amphibious. It’s not like it’s a lifestyle choice.MARJORIE. I…I’m sorry.BARRY. I can’t tell you how afraid I’ve been that one day my prosthet-ic fins will fall off and the guys will say, “Hey, look at the dude with the tiny protrusions!”MARJORIE. They’re kinda cute.BARRY. I…MARJORIE. And I think most creatures in the swamp are a lot more sensitive since the Swamp Council passed the Aquarians With Disabil-ities Act.BARRY. Marjorie, I—MARJORIE. And it’s okay with me if you’re a mouther. As long as you don’t lose your…gill skills—BARRY. I… I…MARJORIE. What is it?BARRY. I don’t belong here anymore.MARJORIE. Sure you—BARRY. I belong…over there.MARJORIE. Oh, sure. The kelp is always greener in the other swamp.

BARRY. No, no, I belong—on land.MARJORIE. But Barry, it’s so—dry.BARRY. I don’t care.MARJORIE. You’ll prematurely wrinkle.BARRY. I’ll take that risk.MARJORIE. But what about us?!… The sunsets by the lily pads. The puckering beneath the surface.BARRY. That was all great, but—MARJORIE. I suppose you’ve evolved beyond our relationship.BARRY. Marjorie, if I don’t try crawling on land, I’ll never feel like I’m living up to my potential.MARJORIE. My dad said living up to one’s potential is for creatures without social skills.BARRY. Come with me.MARJORIE. I can’t.BARRY. Sure you can. I’ll forage for food, and you can stay in the cave and cook it.MARJORIE. (Sarcastic:) You make evolution sound so attractive.BARRY. Come with me.MARJORIE. But I’m aquatic.BARRY. So…evolve!MARJORIE. And how am I supposed to—BARRY. Just try it.MARJORIE. Okay. Here I go. I’m—evolving.

(MARJORIE tries to evolve with all of her might. She looks at her fins. They’re still fins.)

MARJORIE. I’ve got knuckles!… No, they’re just warts. (Sighs.) I suppose you’ll only be happy now with a fingered female.BARRY. Well, I do want to end up with someone who will give me evolved offspring.MARJORIE. And what am I, chopped herring?!BARRY. You don’t understand. I have a deep urge to…crawl and hop and climb. To create offspring that will run and skip and jump. And maybe one day, because of evolution, my great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren will stand upright.MARJORIE. My dad once told me if I evolved, he’d eat me.

(BARRY looks at MARJORIE.)MARJORIE. What?BARRY. I will miss you so much.MARJORIE. Then don’t go.BARRY. I have to.MARJORIE. You’re never satisfied.BARRY. That’s not true—MARJORIE. Like the time you said the swamp was half-murky. Well, I think it’s half-clear.BARRY. Look, Marjorie—MARJORIE. I thought we had something special.BARRY. We do—MARJORIE. You once said my eyes were so pretty it was a shame you usually only saw one at a time.BARRY. Look, Marjorie, you said I was a freak.MARJORIE. I didn’t mean it—BARRY. (Overlapping with the above:) I am a freak. But maybe, just maybe, I’m supposed to be a freak. Maybe that’s too grand. But if I am a freak, I need to accept I’m a freak, and deal with it.MARJORIE. Why can’t you just be happy with a nice finnish gal like me?!BARRY. Take a leap of breath and come with me.

(MARJORIE goes above the surface, takes a deep breathe—and starts to cough. BARRY’s concerned. MARJORIE sub-merges and moves away.)

BARRY. Marjorie?MARJORIE. I’m fine… I’m fine.

(MARJORIE starts to cry. BARRY closes his fingers into a fin and comforts her.)

BARRY. Marjorie… Marjorie, stop crying. You’re making the swamp salty.MARJORIE. I’m sorry.BARRY. I will miss you more than all the bubbles in the swamp.MARJORIE. I’ve had fantasies of you swimming over my eggs.

FREE PERUSAL


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BARRY. I will miss you more than all the sparkly things in the sky.MARJORIE. Please stay.BARRY. If I stayed, I’d not only have to forget I have fingers, I’d also have to forget I had dreams.MARJORIE. My dad once said dreams were for creatures who refused to wake up.BARRY. Marjorie—MARJORIE. Sometimes I think my dad would like to become extinct.BARRY. Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?MARJORIE. Of course I want to.BARRY. Then—MARJORIE. But…but it’s not my nature.

(MARJORIE sighs with acceptance and takes BARRY’s fingers.)

MARJORIE. Use them well.BARRY. I’ll do my best.MARJORIE. Can I watch you go?BARRY. It won’t be too much for you?

MARJORIE. I’m stronger than you think… I might even be stronger than I think.

(BARRY kisses MARJORIE. He moves to the edge of the swamp, stretches his fingers, takes a deep breath, and tries to crawl out. But he can’t. He tries again. And again. He looks at MARJORIE, full of dismay.)

MARJORIE. Let me help.(BARRY tries to crawl out again, and MARJORIE gives him a shove. He gets out successfully this time. BARRY looks back at MARJORIE.)

MARJORIE. Behind every evolving creature, there’s always a female giving him a shove.

(BARRY waves goodbye to MARJORIE. MARJORIE, with her cupped hand, waves goodbye to BARRY. BARRY crawls and/or slithers away. MARJORIE continues to wave good-bye, perhaps with a tear in her eye. The lights fade.)

END OF PLAY

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The Lily’s Revenge, HERE Arts Center, New York, New York (2009). Photo: Ves Pitts.

CATALOG13

Playscripts, Inc. Catalog of New Plays & Musicals 2013-2014

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Transcript of Playscripts, Inc. Catalog of New Plays & Musicals 2013-2014