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CHAPTER 10 What Is Personal Relationship? How Are Attachments Developed? What Drives Attraction? Love and IntimacyCommitment: Saying Yes and Meaning It Responsibilities in a Relationship

What Is Personal Relationship?

Even before language was invented, pre-historic humans were already interacting through many other forms of behavior.

They may have learned how to smile or greet each other; show love, affection, and even loyalty to the group; and hunt together for food.

This interaction was necessary for survival of the group where an individual belonged.

Survival was the primary reason why human beings have the fundamental need to belong.What Is Personal Relationship?

In todays world, this need to belong still exists, perhaps because it has been imprinted in our genetic memory that was passed on to us by our ancestors.

Belonging to a group generates many benefits like having a support system when you need some shoulder to cry on or draw some strength from.

The relationships that are nurtured in a group help each one of us survive.What Is Personal Relationship?

HOW DO YOU EXPRESS YOUR ATTRACTION TOWARD ANOTHER PERSON?

A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH FRIENDS IS A SOURCE OF LIFETIME HAPPINESS.

Researchers have found that relationships are important to ones happiness.

The absence of close relationships can produce a deep negative effect on a individual who is deny of it, such as feeling worthless, powerless, and alienated.A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH FRIENDS IS A SOURCE OF LIFETIME HAPPINESS.

BUT HOW DO WE DEFINE RELATIONSHIP?

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines relationship as:

The way in which two or more people, groups, countries, etc., talk to and deal with each other.

The definition is extended to include the way in which two or more people or things are connected.

TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS DEPENDING ON THE NATURE OF INTERACTION THAT EXIST BETWEEN TWO OR MORE ENTITIES Business transactional relationship Professional relationship Family relationship Friendly relationship Romantic relationship

We can also say that every relationship has specific objectives or purpose that a person wishes to pursue, either because of need, want, or desire.

HOW ARE ATTACHMENTS DEVELOPED?

The very first meaningful relationship every human being encounters is with ones mother. Even before birth, the mother-child relationship is already established.HOW ARE ATTACHMENTS DEVELOPED?

The intimacy that is nurtured during the nine months of pregnancy will be enhanced and developed further after the birth of the child.HOW ARE ATTACHMENTS DEVELOPED?

A careless and non-caring pregnant mother can affect the child in the womb, which may leave psychological and emotional scars even before the child is born.HOW ARE ATTACHMENTS DEVELOPED?

Research has confirmed that emotional experiences of expectant mothers, particularly strong emotions such as anger or anxiety, which produce chemicals in the body such as adrenaline, affect the child in the womb.HOW ARE ATTACHMENTS DEVELOPED?

At the moment of birth when the child is laid beside the mother to be fed and cuddled, bonding occurs and the infant develops an attachment to the mother, and later on with the father.HOW ARE ATTACHMENTS DEVELOPED?

At the moment of birth when the child is laid beside the mother to be fed and cuddled, bonding occurs and the infant develops an attachment to the mother, and later on with the father.HOW ARE ATTACHMENTS DEVELOPED?

A mother who gazes at her childs face and the child responding with a smile are the foundations of our sense of physiological and psychological well-being.HOW ARE ATTACHMENTS DEVELOPED?

SECURE ATTACHMENTAVOIDANT ATTACHMENTANXIOUS-AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENTTHREE DIFFERENT ATTACHMENT STYLES

SECURE ATTACHMENTIs when the primary caregiver is the most of the time present and when all the emotional needs of an infant are providing a sense of security to the infant.Chances for a child who is exposed to this style of attachment, grow up to have more secure and stable relationships.THREE DIFFERENT ATTACHMENT STYLES

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENTIs when the primary caregiver is cold and detached, and even unresponsive to a childs need.A person who experienced this style of attachment in infancy and childhood will oftentimes experience unstable relationships in the future.THREE DIFFERENT ATTACHMENT STYLES

ANXIOUS-AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENTIs when the primary caregiver is not consistent in terms of presence and in the meeting a childs emotional needs.A person who experienced this style of attachment in childhood may develop separation anxieties with a loved one, or may have mixed feelings between hesitancy and commitment when entering into meaningful relationships.THREE DIFFERENT ATTACHMENT STYLES

WHAT DRIVES ATTRACTION?

WHAT DRIVES ATTRACTION?When attraction between two persons is discussed, it is often understood as based on physical appearance.While this might be true to a certain extent, there is more to attraction that what we already know.

WHAT DRIVES ATTRACTION?In the British Broadcasting Company (BBC) website under Science:

Human Body and Mind, attraction is the first stage, and during changes of personality development it lead to closeness and commitment.

WHAT DRIVES ATTRACTION?According to the website which referred to the biological model of love as proposed by anthropologist Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in New Jersey:

Attraction is primarily based on physiology or certain hormones that persons who get attracted to others often pick up with their noses.

WHAT DRIVES ATTRACTION? Being attracted to another person may also mean liking their genes that are perceived through their physical looks.

THREE STAGES OF FALLING IN LOVEby Helen FisherLUSTATTRACTIONATTACHMENT

THREE STAGES OF FALLING IN LOVEby Helen FisherLUSTIs driven by the sex hormones, testosterone, and estrogen. These hormones affect both sexes.

THREE STAGES OF FALLING IN LOVEby Helen FisherATTRACTIONIs described as the lovestruck phase, which involves neurotransmitters in the brain such as dopamine, neropinephrine, and serotonin.This is the stage when a person loses sleep and appetite over someone, and become very excited to someone while daydreaming of this special person.

THREE STAGES OF FALLING IN LOVEby Helen FisherATTACHMENTWhen the couple in love decides to continue with the relationship, they enter the attachment stage where long-lasting commitments are exchanged and may lead to raising a family

OTHER REASON WHY PEOPLE ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHERaccording to Rozenberg QuarterlyTRANSFERENCE EFFECTPROPINQUITY EFFECTSIMILARITYRECIPROCITYPHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESSPERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS AND TRAITS

OTHER REASON WHY PEOPLE ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHERaccording to Rozenberg QuarterlyTRANSFERENCE EFFECTThere are times we meet people who we immediately like or dislike. Usually, these people remind us of someone in the past who has affected our sense of self and our behavior.

OTHER REASON WHY PEOPLE ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHERaccording to Rozenberg QuarterlyPROPINQUITY EFFECTWe often develop a sense of familiarity with people who live close to us, work with us, or go to school with us, which leads us to liking them more.

OTHER REASON WHY PEOPLE ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHERaccording to Rozenberg QuarterlySIMILARITYWe often like people who we have similarities with, such as social class background, religious beliefs, age, and education.

OTHER REASON WHY PEOPLE ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHERaccording to Rozenberg QuarterlySIMILARITYWe are often attracted to like-minded persons and those who have similar beliefs and values as ours, because the similarity is a validation of our innermost values and belief system, and who we are as a person.

OTHER REASON WHY PEOPLE ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHERaccording to Rozenberg QuarterlyRECIPROCITYWe like people who like us back. The more we are liked by someone we equally like, the more we behave in ways that promote mutual feeling of liking.

OTHER REASON WHY PEOPLE ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHERaccording to Rozenberg QuarterlyPHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESSSeveral research studies were conducted to confirm that physical attractiveness is a major factor in liking someone, and usually, first impression counts a lot, too.

OTHER REASON WHY PEOPLE ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHERaccording to Rozenberg QuarterlyPERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS AND TRAITSPeople get attracted to characteristics that lead to liking the other person.Emphatic persons, who exude warmth and sympathy and who are also optimistic and maintain positive views; and socially competent person, who are good communicators and enjoy good conversations.

LOVE AND INTIMACY

LOVE AND INTIMACYThere has been a raging debate over the definition of love. Is love a feeling?Is love a though?Is love physical?

The definition of love is a feeling of deep affection, passion, or strong liking for a person or thing.

LOVE AND INTIMACYThe American Heritage Dictionary defines love as:A strong feeling of affection and concern toward another person, as that arising from kinship or close friendship;A strong feeling of affection and concern for another person accompanied by sexual attraction;A feeling of devotion or adoration toward God or a god;A feeling kindness or concern by God or a good toward humans;Sexual desire or activity: the pleasures of love;

LOVE AND INTIMACYBased on these definitions, we see angles of what love is?

It is an emotion, a feeling, a virtue, an action, and an experience. Love is also defined differently in different cultures.

DIFFERENT COMPONENTS OF LOVEAs theorized in Robert Sternbergs Triangular Theory of LoveINTIMACYCOMMITMENTPASSION

DIFFERENT COMPONENTS OF LOVEAs theorized in Robert Sternbergs Triangular Theory of LoveINTIMACYResearchers Reis, Clark, and Holmes and Shaver defined intimacy as: That lovely moment when someone understands and validate us.

DIFFERENT COMPONENTS OF LOVEAs theorized in Robert Sternbergs Triangular Theory of LoveINTIMACYClose Familiarity / Friendship / Closeness

Researchers Reis, Clark, and Holmes and Shaver defined intimacy as: That lovely moment when someone understands and validate us.

DIFFERENT COMPONENTS OF LOVEAs theorized in Robert Sternbergs Triangular Theory of LoveINTIMACY

Being intimate with another person is about being open and vulnerable to that person whom we deeply trust, who we feel connected with, and who values us with unconditional positive regard, which is viewing the other person with complete trust and free of suspicion or negative thought.

DIFFERENT COMPONENTS OF LOVEAs theorized in Robert Sternbergs Triangular Theory of LoveINTIMACY

Communication is a key component in developing intimacy, where self-disclosure is practiced which leads to profound and meaningful conservations that nurture and strengthen intimacy.Self-disclosure requires honesty for it to work, and is a tool in enhancing the love relationship between two person.

DIFFERENT COMPONENTS OF LOVEAs theorized in Robert Sternbergs Triangular Theory of LoveCOMMITMENT

Is an act of deciding to consistently fulfill and live by agreements made with another person, entity, or cause, and where the values of integrity and respect serve as a guide to ones behavior and thinking.Commitment in a love relationship is expressed continuously in caring and loving actions for the beloved.

DIFFERENT COMPONENTS OF LOVEAs theorized in Robert Sternbergs Triangular Theory of LovePASSION

Passion, as defined in generic terms, is the intense state of being that drives and consumes a person to pursue an interest, a vision, or a person.In terms of romantic love, passion connotes sexual attraction, as well as intimacy.

STERNBERGS TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE

Liking(Intimacy alone)Empty love(commitment alone)Infatuation(passion alone)Fatuous love(passion + commitment)Romantic love(intimacy + passion)Companionate love(intimacy + commitment)Consummate love(intimacy + passion + commitment)IntimacyCommitmentPassion

DIFFERENT COMPONENTS OF LOVEAs theorized in Robert Sternbergs Triangular Theory of LoveAttraction serves as the first step toward liking someone, and among all the basis of attraction that were discussed, reciprocity (mutual liking) is what triggers a couple to move forward romance and intimacy, and eventually, to commitment.

COMMITMENT:SAYING YES AND MEANING IT

COMMITMENT: SAYING YES AND MEANING IT We defined commitment as a continuing process of showing love and care; fulfilling the promises or agreements made with each other; and through bad times and good times, the commitment stays firm and in place.

COMMITMENT: SAYING YES AND MEANING ITPsychologist have conducted research on commitment and have identified three variables related to it (Rozenberg Quarterly):

Accumulation of all rewards of the relationshipTemptation of alternative partnersInvestments made by couple in the relationship

This are variables involved in strengthening and maintaining commitment.

COMMITMENT: SAYING YES AND MEANING ITAccumulation of all rewards of the relationship

Considered as the most important determinant of satisfaction in a relationship.

Rewards of the relationship include:Support from the partnerSexual satisfactionEmotionalFinancialPhysical securityAdventureNovelty

COMMITMENT: SAYING YES AND MEANING ITTemptation of alternative partners

It was noted that the fewer options a party in a relationship gets exposed to, the lesser the possibility of breaking the relationship.

COMMITMENT: SAYING YES AND MEANING ITInvestments made by the couple in the relationship

These investments may include time spent together, common beliefs and experiences, mutual experiences with mutual friends, and bearing children. It was also discovered that religious beliefs reinforce commitment.

COMMITMENT: SAYING YES AND MEANING ITResearchers identified behaviors married couples may do that can predict a divorce or separation:

CriticismDenial of the existence of conflictContempt

COMMITMENT: SAYING YES AND MEANING ITCriticism

This happens when there is the absence of unconditional positive regard for each other in a relationship.

Constantly finding fault in the other partner will result in negative feelings and resentment.

COMMITMENT: SAYING YES AND MEANING ITDenial of the existence of conflict

When one party eludes the presence of a problem and refuses to discuss it, as if belittling the problem, it will result in frustration on the side of the other party.

COMMITMENT: SAYING YES AND MEANING ITContempt

Like criticism, contempt is present when someone who looks down on the party as inferior does not give unconditional positive regard, and aggravates the situation by expressing superiority over the other

According to research (Rozenberg Quarterly), this is the ultimate expression of disillusionment and highly predictive of divorce or separation.

RESPONSIBILITIES IN A RELATIONSHIPSome important responsibilities that are necessary in a relationship to make it flourish and stay beneficial for the parties involved:

Be responsible for what you think and say to the other person.Be responsible for what you promise to do or not to do.Ensure the relationship is mutually beneficial.Respect the other party or parties involved.Be ready to provide support when needed.

ACTIVITY NO. 1How do you show responsibility in your relationships:

When your at home?With the authorities in school?With your friends?With someone you have a romantic relationship with?