Pentagon Plumbing Newsletter- June 2016.pdf

7/26/2019 Pentagon Plumbing Newsletter- June 2016.pdf

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INSIDE

THISISSUE

RUSSIANSPORTSCARSEVEVERYTHINGYOUTHOUGHTTHEYDBE

ANDLESS!

CAMPINGONTHELASVEGASSTRIPHOW

TOFINDTHEVERYBESTPLACES!

DOESTHETSAREALLYCAREHOWLONGYOUHAVETOWAITINLINEATTHE

AIRPORT? THEANSWERWILLSHOCK

YOU!

PLUS

DAGMARANDHER

AMAZINGDOG

ROBOT!

THEGOLDFISHWHO

SAWTOOMUCH!

THESECRETOFTHE

PARROTSSILENCE!

ALLTHISANDMORE!

RIGHTHERE! RIGHT

NOW! INTHIS

MONTHSEDITIONOF

DOWNTHEDRAIN!

Down the Drain

But seriously, folks,

If youre looking for

fast, professional,

courteous service for

your plumbing needs

please give us a call.

Pentagon Plumbings

service technicians

are available 24

hours a day, seven

days a week, and

unlike some other

companies, theres no

extra charge for

those after hours and

weekend calls!

We do:

Repair &

ReplacementsWater Jetting

Insurance Work

Remodels

Electronic Leak

Detection

Sewer & Drain

Cleaning

Water Heaters

Repiping

And so much

more!

Call us today!

876-5969

Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. 5125 W. Oquendo Rd., Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV 89118Tel: (702) 876-5969 Fax: (702) 876-0937email: [email protected]

NV License #58722

Justin Bieber, call home. Your underwear is showing. Again.

King Omar issues

new proclamation

O O R A H O M A R ,

AFRICA A year afterK i n g O m a r t h eMagnificent and his RoyalAdvisory Council issued aproclamation outliningpunishment for those whofailed to flush a publictoilet and who failed toleave themselves and thefacility they used in a lessthan pristine and sanitary

condition, a top secret

report written by theKings Royal Information

Service has been leaked tothe press.

The terms of the originalproclamation required thata first offense would earnthe miscreant a publicthrashing in the palacesquare with a toilet brush,while a second offensewould earn an additionalthrashing and a fine. A

Like us! Twitter us! Email us! Pin us!

Click on ourlogo to go toour website.

You know youwant to!

Yelp us!

Authorities

deeply

concerned!

Experts

consulted!

What can be done?

By Washoe Evergreen

Ace Environmental

Correspondent

The recent discovery of

another leak in Lake Meadhas authorities deeplyconcerned.

This leak is the latest in aseries of leaks plaguingthe lake in recent years.

A spokesperson for theLake Mead RecreationalArea toldDown the Drain,Lake Mead is just getting

old, and its to be

expected that l ikeanything that gets old,problems are going to

arise.This most recent leak

was discovered whenh y d r o l o g i s t s w e r emeasuring the level of the

third offense would findthe offender assigned topermanent latrine duty tobe served at the kings

pleasure.The top secret reportclaims, however, that c e r t a i n a n t - soc ia lindividuals refuse to

abide by the rules and thateven permanent latrineduty has failed to correcttheir behavior.

It is to be noted, the

report says, that the

number of individualswho continue to avoidtheir obligations under theproclamation are few.

After receiving thereport, King Omar issueda new proclamation.

Immediately thereafterthe Kings Chief of Staff

and Honorable Knight ofthe Kings Body held a

press conference, duringwhich he announced that

those who continue to

violate the law after thethird offense will be senthome to their mothers torelearn their manners and

social obligations, and thatfailing the success ofretraining, even moredraconian measures wouldbe taken.

The Kingdom of Oorah

Omar will not continue tobe embarrassed by theseill-mannered oafs, theChief of Staff andHonorable Knight of theKings Body said. Now

go away.

Consumer Plumbing

Exposition a hit

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA The ConsumerPlumbing Exposition, heldin the restrooms of the LasVegas Convention Center,last month was hailed as ahuge success by itsorganizers.

A t t e n d a n c e w a sestimated at severalmillion, with many peoplebeing barred from

entrance to the exhibitionbecause of capaci tycrowds indoors.

Among the highlights ofthe exhibition were theAkron Casket andExcavation Co. with its

new line of color-codedpre-dug trenches and holesand Ossified PetroleumJelly, Inc., which offeredfree samples of itsproducts, including itsrecently introduced flavorpackets that can be addedto i t s t rad i t iona l

unflavored OPJ.Supermodel FiFi, who is

married to Italian superp l u m b e r F r a n c oBorgoglione, modeledKnuckles OTooles latest

offerings of shorts andhalter tops for the ladyplumber.

Lake Mead springs anotherleak!

lake during a routinemonitoring.

The drop in the level ofthe lake could not bea c c oun te d f o r by

evaporation, absorption bysandstone or the decline inthe snowpack of theRocky Mountains, theLMRA spokesperson toldDown the Drain.

Clearly, something else

must be going on, the

spokesperson added.Experts from the BLM,

FEMA, NOAA, NASA,the Army Corps ofEngineers, the National

Geographic Society, theW o r l d s G r e a t e s tDetective Club andseveral others wereconsulted, but none ofthem could pinpoint theexact problem, except tosay, Yep, its leaking.

Again.F i n a l l y , s o m e o n e

suggested calling aplumber, and a call wentout for master plumbersfrom around the world.

M a n y h u n d r e d sresponded to the call, butafter a meticulous vettingby Homeland Security, theBoulder City Plumbers

Union and a renownedprivate investigator fromOslo, Norway, it wasdetermined that almost allof the applicants were not,in fact, plumbers, butwere, rather, individualsseeking a visa so theycould visit Disneyland atthe expense of the UnitedStates government.

Three plumbers wereeventually cleared by the

authorities and allowed tovisit Lake Mead wherethey were allowed to viewall the data, includingN A S A u n d e r w a t e r

satellite images thatshowed leaks in multiplelocations on the bottom ofthe lake.

At a meeting late lastmonth of all thoseinvolved in investigatingthe dropping water levelof Lake Mead, it was localplumber, Gus Plumber to

the Stars Andler who

suggested that the entirebottom of Lake Mead be

coated with OssifiedPetroleum Jelly, theplumbers lege ndar y

fixative for all leaks under(Continued on page 3)

Plumbing news from around the world

The most famous newsletter in the world!

June 2016 Volume 4 Issue 5 Whole Number 41 5

Tourists stand on a portion of the exposed Lake Mead lakebed that used to be under several hundred feet of water.
http://www.yelp.com/http://pinterest.com/pentagonplbgnv/mailto:[email protected]://twitter.com/PentagonPlumbNVhttps://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Pentagon-Plumbing/111359998927756?fref=tshttp://www.pentagonplumbingnv.com/


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Down the Drain, June 2016 Page 2

Special Feature!

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Folks, did you

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The Fine Print (Our lawyers made us write this. Honest!) This coupon is valid onlyon future repairs and cannot be used on prior charges. This coupon cannot becombined with any other offers or discounts or promotions. This coupon is notvalid on calls for estimates or evaluations. This coupon has no cash value. Thiscoupon must be presented at time of service. And finally (whew) only onecoupon per customer, please. This coupon expires 6-30-2016. PentagonPlumbing NV License #58722.


3/4

A life in theday of a

plumberBy CHIP CARPENTER

Ace Master Plumber

Last Month: Pressured by

the State Department and

his boss, bribed with

chocolate donuts and

beguiled by the beautiful

sparkling eyes of the

Countess Lumarchesi,

Skip agrees to undertake a

super top secret mission

at the Embassy of the

Royal Kingdom of

Transylvania.

I sighed, ate my donut,drank my coffee and triedto understand what I hadjust gotten myself into. Ididnt know.Finished with my donut

and coffee I headeddownstairs. The StateDepartment guy and theCountess Lumarchesiwere talking with theboss, but as I passed them

the Countess turned,looked at me and gave methat enigmatic smile ofhers.

I went out the front ofthe office and pulled myvan around back to thewarehouse, where Iproceeded to do anexhaustive inventory ofmy van and to write up anorder for parts for Lori.You never know, I

thought to myself. I mightactually find a real leak atthe embassy and need tofix it.Finished with that, I

headed back into theoffice. The Countess, theState Department guy, themen in black suits and therest of the entourage weregone.Melanie and Lori and

Kimberly all grinned atme as I came in.What? I asked.Nothing, they all

replied.I gave Lori my parts

order and asked her howshe wanted to handle theinvoicing for this job.After all, no invoices, nopaycheck. She said shed

get with the boss and letme know.After that I headed

home, packed a bag with

t-shirts, underwear, socksand other stuff Id need

for my stay at theembassy. I took all myclean uniforms out of thecloset and put them in thevan along with the bag Ihad packed. I also grabbedmy laptop.What else? I realized it

didnt really matter since I

would have to come downoff the mountain anyway

to do laundry, check mymail and so on.Or maybe not. Maybe Id

get lucky and Id quickly

find the leak, and the

whole thing would beover in a day or two.Right.So I locked up the house,

got in my van and startedthe long drive up to thetop of Black Mountain.

To be continued...

Down the Drain ispleased to welcome to itsstaff April Mae Junebug,who will replace BellaDonna Lovelace as ourgossip columnist, orWoman About Town asApril Mae prefers to becalled while acting in hero f f i c ia l r e po r to r ia l

capacity.Born in Fly Holler,Tennessee, April Maestudied gossip andjournalism at the Middle

Tennessee School ofGossip and Journalism,where she also taught forseveral years whileworking on her advanceddegrees in the samesubjects.

After graduating with herMFA, April Mae venturedforth into the wide world

beyond middle Tennesseeand honed her reportingskills at the Wilson,Tennessee, Free Press,more popularly known as


To the Editor:

After reading your articlein the May edition ofDown the Drain aboutfinding Shakespeares

skull, I feel compelled torespond.

As a native of Stratford-u p o n - A v o n w h o s eancestry here goes backwell beyond the time ofShakespeare himself, Imust tell you that thelocation of Shakespeares

skull, and the story behindit, has long been an opensecret here.

It undoubtedly sayssomething about thehistorians, archaeologistsand others who have cometo Stratford-upon-Avons e a r c h i n g f o rShakespeares skull that

none of them bothered togo into a pub, buy a roundfor the house and ask thelocals what they knew.

The investigative team ofDown the Drain is,t h e r e f o r e , t o b ecommended for being thefirst to treat the residentsof Stratford-upon-Avon asa valuable source ofknowledge in this matter.

W e a r e d e e p l yappreciative of that fact.

I would also like to notethat now that the location

of Shakespeares skull has

been made public, it hasbecome necessary forMalcom McThistle toremove the skull from itshiding place in his shedand store it in the mayors

office where it is beingkept under lock and key inthe bottom right handdrawer of the mayors

desk until such time as amore suitable place and amore prominent place can

be found for it.Dick Whittlebone,

Stratford-upon-Avon,

England

To the Editor:It is I, Skoof Whiffletree,

still being illegallydetained by the forces ofevil that pass as ourg o v e r n m e n t a l l a wenforcement agencies,wishing all my family,friends, followers and thestaff of Down the Drainthe best of the best andreminding everyone to besure to write my name inon the ballot to be thenominee for the soon to bevacant seat of SenatorWhats-his-name.

My very expensivelawyers assure me I willsoon be released from myconstitutionally illegalcaptivity and that I will be

able to personally greet

each and every on of youthe campaign trail.

In the meantime,contributions to the FreeS k o o f W h i f f l e t r e eDefense Fund will begreatly appreciated.

See you soon!Skoof Whiffletree,

Clark County Detention

Center,

Las Vegas

To the Editor:After reading the

Perfessors explanation of

the origin of thunder andlightning in last months

edition of Down theDrain,I feel compelled torespond.

The Perfessor, I think,needs to go back toschool.

Everybody knows thatthunder is caused by theangels bowling in heaven.This is an incontrovertiblefact proven by numerousstudies.

Lightning, of course, issimply a byproduct of thekinetic energy releasedwhen the bowling ballstrikes the pins.

If you dont believe, just

ask your mother.Camilla Moonbeam,

Henderson, Nevada

any and all conditions.OPJ is also known aroundthe world as a sandwichspread and is a favorite ofconsumers everywhere.

O b j e c t i o n s w e r eimmediately raised. Whowould pay for that muchOPJ? How would the OPJbe appl ied to thethousands of square milesof the lake bed? WouldEPA a pp r ova l be

required? What would the

fish in Lake Mead think?Would they even care?Wheres the pizza?

After several days ofdiscussion and manypizzas later, a Lake MeadeAction Advisory Boardwas created and taskedwith getting the answersto these and many otherquestions.

A separate advisorycommittee was also

created to determine if the

Lake Mead springs another leak(Continued from page 1)

Adventures, letters, advice and more!

The Birthday

Box

A special happy

birthday wishgoes out this

month from all

the crew at

Pentagon Plumbing

to

Pentagon

Plumbings

Supervisor ofNew Construction,

Mike Didion

Yaaaaaaay!

(Applause!)

Release the

balloons already!

Announcements

Because of the excessivegrumpiness of most of itsmembers, the Junemeeting of the GrumpyOld Mens Club has been

postponed until furthernotice.

T h e F r e e S k o o f

Whiffletree Defense Fundwill hold a $3.67 a platefund raiser at the BarNone Restaurant inBunkerville on the 4th ofJuly. Everyone iswelcome.

Applications are beingaccepted for a Yogi Berralook-alike contest to beheld on the 4th of July,possibly at Cashman

Fie ld , bu t ma ybesomeplace else.Applicants are asked to

send an 8 x 12 colorglossy and a brief resumeof their experience to

I Look Like Yogi BerraVera Wang Shoebox #8

This publication

Anyone wishing tobecome an inside sourceor confidential informantfor Down the Draingossip columnist AprilMae Junebug, please write

April Mae JunebugVera Wang Shoebox #9

This publication

Or email

[email protected]

No phone calls, please.

Your opinion counts!

Letters to the Editor

Down the Drain welcomes new gossip columnist

water leakage from LakeM e a d c o u l d b econtributing to the globalrise of sea levels, because,as it was pointed out, allthat water had to be goingsomewhere.

At publication timeDown the Drain wasa w a i t i n g f u r t h e rdevelopments. We willkeep our readers informedas more information

becomes available.

the WTF.It was at the WTF that

she earned the prestigiousPile of Dirt Award fromthe Gossip Writers ofAmerica for her thrice-weekly column If YouCant Say Something

Nice

April Mae is already

immersing herself in theculture and gossip of LasVegas, and her firstcolumn for Down theDrainwill appear soon.

Corrections

A quotation in lastmonths article on the

pyg my giraffes ofWashington, D.C. wasincorrectly attributed toWinston Churchill. Thequotation should havebeen attributed to OscarLevant.

We apologize for theconfusion.

Back by popular demand!

Ask Uncle Vlad!

Dear Uncle Vlad,How are the schools in

your country? We arethinking of moving so ourLittle Johnny can attend abetter school.

Twp Parents,

Henderson, Nevada

Dear Two Parents,

You Americans and yourde c a de n t c a p i t a l i s t

American educationsystem! Ha, ha, ha!

We have most excellentschools in MotherCountry. Best schools inthe world!

All students in MotherCountry must learn toread, write and mastermathematics. Studentsalso must learn everythingabout history and culture

of Mother Country andmust memorize official

biography of GloriousLeader of MotherCountry.Also, students who fail to

learn as required are sentto a very cold place to digholes in frozen grounduntil they understandimportance of theireducation.


4/4

Down the Drain

is owned, operated, managed, imagined, inspired, created, written, produced, published and copyrighted 2016 by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.

However, permission is granted by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. to redistribute this newsletter at will with proper attribution.

For advertising rates, queries, submissions and, of course, service requests, call, write or email Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. using the contact

information below.

To unsubscribe to this newsletter, please send an email to: [email protected] with the word unsubscribe in the subject line. Well

cry when we do it, but we promise well take you off our subscription list. No knock-knock jokes, please.

5125 W. Oquendo Rd., Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV 89118

Tel: (702) 876-5969

Fax: (702) 876-0937

email: [email protected]

My

My God, its full of pink!


The Really Important Stuff!

Down the DrainIs published by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.

Editor-in-chief Applications being accepted

Deputy Editor-in-chief Reginald Phipps mumCopy Editor Carmel Comma Sutra

Assignment Editor Gowanna GetouttahereSociety Page Editor Alice Hashtag

Travel and Leisure Editor Reginald Phipps

Fact Checker Al GoreAssistant Fact Checker Brian Williams

Additional Fact Fabrication and Verification by The Group for the Advanced Study of Statistical Oddities, Irregularities, Anomalies and Impossibilities

Business Reporter Yale PrincetonConstruction and Building Correspondent Roger Red Tag

Crime Beat Reporter Marlow ArcherEnvironmental Correspondent Washoe Evergreen

Fine Arts Correspondent Venetia ImpastoFood Critic Candy Pye

Gossip Columnist April Mae JunebugHistory Correspondent Marcus Aurelius Tacitus

International Affairs Correspondent Mac The Knife MachiavelliInvestigative Reporter Doug Deeply

Assistant Investigative Reporter Doug Deeply, Jr.Legal Correspondent Blackwell CokeMedia Correspondent Tweety ByrdMedical Correspondent Sue Tchurme

National Affairs Correspondent Brinkley HuntlyNational Affairs Reporter Homer Bogart

Resident Conspiracy Theorist de Grasse NoelScience Correspondent Abigail Sciuto, Jr.

Sports Reporter Big Bob Kahuna

Demolitions Consultant Candy PyeDog Whisperer Toto Baskerville

Office Manager Loosey ArnezReceptionistTiffany Whatevs

Complaint Department Wendy WhinerPrinters Devil Will Do

Fashion Advisor The GagaRelationship Advisor Taylor Swift

Spiritual Advisor The Ghost of Groucho MarxIn-House Therapist Lady Heather

Psychic Consultant Madam Blovotsky

Computer Services and Expertise by provided by The Gigglebits Computer GalsPhoto Editing provided by The Cutting Edge Scissors Company and Elwoods All-Purpose Glue

Rehabilitation Services provided by The Rehab, Relapse and Rehab Group of Wickenburg, ArizonaLeftovers, munchies and midnight snacks provided by Moms 24 Hour Diner and Ping Pong Emporium

Jewelry by JodieMakeup by Gor-DonHair by Mr. Clean

Mani-pedis by The Cats Meow Veterinary ClinicBunny Slippers provided by Bunny Slippers for All (At Fashionable Malls Everywhere!)

Artwork provided by My Sisters Refrigerator: A Unique Boutique for the Elite

Musical Soundtrack byCyndi Lauper

Emilie Autumn

The Pretty Reckless

Hole

Strawberry Switchblade

Alison Sudol

and

Olivia dAbo

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Pentagon Plumbing Newsletter- June 2016.pdf

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