H o m e w a r d B o u n d ! A t la st .after four w eary years of s tr ife , th e m om ent th a t, in m uddy d ug-out and on w eary trek , of which w e h ave so often' dream t, ta lk ed ab out and prayed for, has com e -and w e w rite “ finis” to all our a d ven tu res and all our w anderings.

F or four w eary years we have laboured in th e som bre V a lley of D eath endeavouring to “ do our b i t / ’ and now th a t has been successfu lly -accomplished w e can re lax and w ith n o t a l it t le p ride and con tented sa tisfac tion can w e look back and see w h at our l itt le N ew Z ealand D iv ision !has ach ieved.

T hat fa te fu l m om ent th a t saw th e N ew Zealanders — th e flower of .their cou n try’s m anhood— sturdy, clean lim bed, open h earted , and as free as th e w inds th a t blew from above, k now in g no m an a s m aster, th a t fa tefu l m om ent when th ey leap t ashore in a hail of n ickelled death upon A nzac to accom plish th e im possib le— th a t m om ent saw th e b irth of a you ng n ation . The N ew Z ealanders had found them selves^ an d in th a t fierce p ride th a t cam e from th e ir new ly aw akened consciousness w ent forw ard to b itter ly won v ictory . M ost of th ose now sleep etern a lly — e ith er upon th a t storied H ellen ic shore or on th e blood- soaken fields of F rance. S leep w ell, g a lla n t gen tlem en , and p eace to your ashes 1

A nd of their successors— th e ex u lta n t y o u tli o f our y o u n g race who accepted th e challenge o f th e H u n — th ey h ave been proved and found very w orth y of th e tr u st founded in blood on th a t fa tefu l A pril m orn in g and handed down to th em . In th e foul H ell o f F land ers, in th e m uddy n igh tm are of P asschendaele and of M essines, in th e h eat of P a le s tin e , and on th e :Somme of b itter m em ory, th e flag spangled w ith th e stars of th e S outhern Gross has been carried ever onward from victory to v ictory t i l l th a t final crow ning ach ievem ent of th e tr iu m p h ant storm ing of th e w alls of L e Q uesnoy in th e d ying days o f th e war.

W e h a v e shown our w orth to th e n a tio n s of th e world and ga ined th eir acclaim and th eir respect. W e have w r itten ind elib ly upon th e bloody scroll of h istory th e nam e of our cou n try and no\v we can rest co n te n t a fter our la b o r s .

W ith th e sam e earnestn ess th a t wo sum m oned to d efea t th e am bitions of th e H un w e m u st face th e problem s of peace th a t will con front us a t hom e. W e m u st a ga in turn up our co llective sh irt sleeves and buckle to , ever m aking th a t l i t t le land of our b irth— our inh eritance from those w e h a v e le f t s leep ing— w h at it is, God’s Own C ountry.

T he w orld’s black days are b ut a n igh tm are now, W herein we seem ed to drown, and w ak ing found

The sun of life rise red upon th e prow,For w e are— hom ew ard bound.

H om ew ard B ound—Our duty done, and now th e fond caress

Of dear ones w a itin g on th e d is ta n t sound,F or th ey h ave done th eir d uty too— no less

A nd now — w e’re hom ew ard bound.

H om ew ard B ound—B u t th er e are loved ones brought from far away

Who doubt th e ir welcom e on our hallow ed ground, And find i t hard to realize th a t th ey

A re also— hom ew ard bound.

H om ew ard B ound—B u t w h a t of those who paid th e u tm ost price

On F ra n ce’s str icken fields? B e sure th ey found A full rew ard for th eir last sacrifice;

They too are—H om ew ard Bound;r — 1 . D a v e y .

L ustrous P ea r l in a golden se ttin g ,Thou art ever acknow ledged to be F a ir Queen of th e E m pire’s D om in ions:T he Gem of th e Southern Sea.

F , JtASEY,

2 HOMEWARD BGUMR

(B y P . J . M c D o n o u g h , N .Z .R .B .)

“ M ’T avish ” sez I , “ w e’ll sum m on up th e Inst r im n an ts av our you th — ancl m oney— and go- a.nd see a R ugby foo tba ll m a tch .”

‘R u gby F u tb a ll,” m urm ured th e ould lad va ca n tly . “Y e s,” sez I , “ don’t y e m ind th e g r e a t d ay before th e

W arr? E very m an w alk in ’ about P rin ces S tre e t steam in' av w hisky, and leeks and Sham rocks, and sa y in ’, ‘B egorra’ and ‘B a a jo v e’ and fa ir b urstin ’ w ith n ation a l en th u siasm —

and devil a word about lea g u es av n ations or B o lsh ev ik s.”

“ I ’m w ith you, la d ,” says M ’T avish, “ b u t” h e w e n t on “ I feared i t ’ll be n o th in ’ like w hat it once was. T here’ll be a gan g av ould brass h a ts bossin ’ th e show , sh ou tin ’ ou t ‘ ’sh un ’ and d ressing th e lin e every throw ou t of tou ch , and if a lance-corporal p u tts h is fe e t on a m ajor’s face w ith ou t furrst sa lu tin ’ i t ’s ‘F ie ld P u n ish m en t N o. 1 .’ ”

G ettin ’ to In verleith was som e job ; crossin’ th e H ind en - biirgh line w as an a yven ing stroll to it . T h e sea rou te by N o rth B erw ick and G rantham was th e a is ie st w ay, but — fur to u g h , hard lads— th e cable cyar tr a ill had i t s a ttractions. M ’T avish— thrify sow!—w o u ld n ’t fa c e th e sea passage. Sez h e “ D inners is scarce and w e can’t risk losin g our food .” T here was no trains^ and the troops w ere guardin g th e sta tion to p revent anny a tt im p t to run th e blockade. B u t m e and M ’T avish g o t th a t cyar to In verleith . W e shoved i t up th e h ill, and ran lik e blazes down th e h ill after it , , bold in’ ou t our p en n ies to th e conductor. Then w e prized i t a long th e fla t w ith crowbars and g o t i t round th e corner, w here th e line stops and then , w ance clear o f th e cable w e finished th e coorse w ith a sphurt as lik e to land th e driver w ith an endorsem ent 011 h is license.

T he crowd w as th er e r ig h t enough, l in t i t was “ W arr” p ainted w id th e b ig brush. T he grand stband w as a long sp latch av m ud-covered figures like a hundred yard s av d usty road, and firm, hard-faced N ew Zealanders filled th e ground u nder th e P ress stliand th a t used to hould grim y W elshm en sproutin ’ vegetab les and hym ns, and Irish “ v e ts” fu ll av strange w urrds not included in anny hym nary and fa t full-blooded (k a p e clear av yere “y ’s” com positor as y e love me) E nglishm en th a t w ere n iver quite sure th e y bossed! Scotland or S cotland bossed them .

The S co ttie s I m ayne th e Arrm y— thropped on th e field, wid red jerseys lik e a p lo t o f find blown geranium s and tho N ew Z ealanders turned ou t like th e ace of spades. “Lake g o in g to a fu n era l,” ob jected M ’T avish . “ Y is,” sez I, as I sized up th e th ick ness av th e undertaker lookin ’ gen ts . “ B u t i t ’s lik e to be a fu n era l of th e tom ato coloured

I t w as a good gam e from th e s th a rt. B a tte r and bash, wid th o C aptain en forcin ’ A rm y discip line by w r in g ing tho neck off th e lance-corporal, and th e sergean t p u llin g th e trousers off th e m ajor w ith ou t iver oniacin’ h is boots. For th o fu rr st h a lf th ere w as m ig h ty l itt le to choose betw ixt “ old grandm am m a” and th o “ p ups,” b u t although th e ould lady had as m uch good fu tb a ll th e “ pups” h ad a couple of yarrds th e b ist av i t when i t cam e to legg in ’ it fur th e line.

A s th e gam e w in t on th e o x citc m e n t spread lik e a lire in a dihistillery. A t fu rrst th e N ew Z ea land crow d stud lik e a batta lion w a itin g to be inocu la ted for m elancholia. B y and bye, w hen th ey saw it w as to be a. close th in g , th ey cheered up and g o t as happy as a Scotch eld er a t a w ell- conducted fu n era l. Thin, th e hom e crowd tu k th e s id e av th e A rrm y and t im e d to m ake M other C ou ntry in to a b a ttle cry. W an well brought-up m iss n e x t m e iv id ien tly th ou gh t th a t vu lgar , and squealed “ M am m a” in stea d !

T he A rrm y had rough Ink loosin ’ th e fu rr st th ry . They w ere in a fair w ay fur g e t t in ’ w an fu r th im selv es w h in a “ B la c k ” cross b etw ix t a kangaroo and an aeroplane n ipped up a. pass. Tho Arrm y fu ll back m ad e a. p lu n g e a t a stbreak av [forked lig h tn in g — and w as left w id an arrum ful ot n o th in ’.

A t h a lf-tim e iveryw an w as m od erately cheery-hot— p rewar stren gth of ‘ cou rse --say th ir ty per cent, under-proof. T he crowd d id n ’t ta k e th e score too m uch to h ea rr t because •there w as j is t two S cottie s in th o ta y m e and accordin’ to M ’T avish th a t exp la ined iveryth in g . I w as luk in fu r a throop av orderlies coinin' o u t an ser v in ’ to ts av rum , and p risin ’* open t in s of bully beef, b u t it was jist th e ould story av th e tr a y av sliced lim ons. T he “ B lacks” w asn ’t h a v in ’ an ny of th a t truck and w ithdrew to th e sec lusion av th eir drissin’ room . “ I w ondther” says a J a n k e e beside m e “ phw at wud happen if som e k ind C hristian wild1 p ass th im lem ons round am ong th e p ip ers.” F or th o p urpose of im proving th e n ational m usic av Scotland it m igh t bo w urrth th e risk av losin ’ a few pipers.

T h e second h a lf star ted ham m er and to n g s w id th e ball tra v ellin g from wan end a v th e field to th e oth er lik e a Sann F an e p a th rio t d id g in ’ th o poliss, and w hin th e R ed s g o t a score th ere didn’t seem anny rayson fu r th em not g e t t in ’ another. B u t th ey w ere terrib ly bothered by a divil of a “ B lack ” lad. T hey called h im a “ S iv in S ix te e n th ” or a “ F iv e E ig h th .” H o luked to m e m ore like a 4.7 m ounted on t lir ip le expansion engines.

The ta c tis av th e A rrm y lost th e m atch . W id quarter av an hour to go and a tliry to th e bad th e y bored about undher th e sh elter av th e grand stliand and bombarded tho roof w id th e ball till a ll th e s la tes w ore off and all th e w h ile half a g a le was b low ing th a t w ou ld h a v e carried tho sam e k icks down to th e corner flag av th eir adversaries.

H ow sum ever it was a good lo t av lads th a t won, and iveryw an sthruck for hom e wid th o com fortin ’ fe e lin ’ th a t tho U nion Jack sheltered j is t about th e h a rd est staff tho w urrld holds.

ToS»So “ BRITOM”

S .S . “B r ito n ” is w h a t they) ca lled her S urely th a t nam e w as bestow ed by the gods, B ru sh in g aside each ro lling m onster,R u sh in g a long against all odds.Im m ense are th e pow ers which figh t a g a in st her, True to h er nam e she d efe a ts each one,O nw ard she strugg les lik e every tru e B riton ,N ev er restin g t ill tho b a ttle is w on.

— M r s . Z. B e c k .

LAST ACXRE P U T A T IO N is th e all im portant fac tor in th e re ign in g p rosperity o f m ost clubs. Once M other Grundy con

n ects scandal w ith such in stitu tio n s th e so u g h t a fter m em bership gradually becom es a th in g o f th e p ast. The pow erfu l exc lu sive se t g iv es way to th e coster lik e crew in search of n o to riety . S o far th e Successfu l B u sin ess M e n s’ Club h eld an unim peachab le record. P erhap s its you th w as in som e respects responsible for th is . N ev erth e less if m oney denotes respectab ility it w as h igh ly so, for one cond ition of m em bership w as thart th e m em ber m u st be in business possessing cap ita l to th e e x te n t of a t le a st one hundred th ousand jjounds.

I t was ru led by a president, elected yearly. T his banquet in th e yea r 1927 w as to ce leb rate th e in itia tio n of a new presid en t who w as now rising from his sea t a t th e head of th e tab le.

B esides b eing popular, P u gh , th e new p resid en t, w as recogn ised as b rillian tly eloquent, a fa c t w hich m akes even an a fter d inner speech p leasant.

“ G e n tle m e n /’ th e clear to n e com m anded a tten tio n , “ sin ce th e inau gu ration of th is Club i t h as been a recogn ised custom th a t each succeed ing p resident shall g iv e as an in trod uction an absolu te ly tr u e n arra tiv e o f th e rise to fam e from obscurity of som e com m ercial m a g n a te of th e p resen t gen eration .

“ I t is n o t m y in ten tio n to depart from th is ru le , so, I w ill tak e you back to th e , shall I say , m y hero’s ch ild hood, w hen in th e com pany of a tw in brother h e first learned th e depth of a tr u e m other’s love and to respect th e m em ory of a departed fa ther.

“ P erhap s m any of you are n o t aw are how wide even tw in s m ay differ in character. B e liev e m e, gen tlem en , th ese tw in s w ere as w ide ap art in tem p eram en t as th e poles, th e one q u ie t and deep th in k in g as th e o th er row dy and superficial. A t school w h ere th e one’s portion was praise, th e oth er received nough t but pun ishm ent. As years rolled by and b rought no ch an ge, peop le began to pred ict a b oisterous fu tu re for th e troublesom e tw in . G roat w as th e doleful h ead sh ak in g of all th e prophets w hen n ew s cam e th a t th e object of th eir cr iticism had been arrested on a charge of em bezzlem en t.

“ To cu t a long story sh ort h e w as con victed and sen tenced to tw o years hard labour. The m other on ly surv ived her son ’s conviction by tw o m onths, d yin g , i t w as sa id , of a broken heart.

M eanw hile th e steady son h ad . boon p lodd ing aw ay in a m eth od ica l s ty le earn in g an ex iste n c e in journalism , a profession w hich only th e favoured few find at all lucrative .

“ A t la s t arrived th e day of th e re lease of th e im prisoned one. T h e strong tu rn ed to help th e w eak, offering m oney and advice. Tho la tte r w as prom ptly rejected , and th a t day, gen tlem en , was added another nam e to th e lon g

list o f travellers on th e easy road th a t ev en tu a lly leads to tho g u tte r . W ayw ardness g a v e p lace to u tte r d issipation, th e low est form of a w aster life .

“ Then th ere burst th e bomb of 1914. Tho plodder en listed , received a com m ission and le ft N ew Z ealand with th e M ain B ody. Tho slacker buried h im self in th e back country , declaring i t m attered litt le to h im w h o ru led th o w orld. T hen conscription carried th e day d rain in g th e country of all ab le to shoulder a rifle. G entlem en , I do not w ish to bore you w ith d eta ils o f e ith er m an ’s career, u n til, a certa in N ovem ber day in 1917 w hen th e colonials w ere m ak ing th e ir never to be forgotten bid for Passchen- d aele, unshelled m achine gun em placem ents m enacing every yard o f a m igh ty task . T he plodder, a few yards ahead of h is com pany m ade «, dash o f som e fifty yard s for one of th ese obstacles, an act conspicuous for its cool courage even am idst th e d in and ex c item en t. U n noticed was th e craw ling figure o f a la te ly arrived ’u m p teenth ’̂ from another com pany traversin g in th e game d irection . “ Crash I” ITis M ills had found it s b ille t. “■Crash!” A nother for luck; th en th e still u nn oticed figure lea p t in- to finish h is work w ith th e deadly stee l.

“ A la s !” A crouching u nscathed H u n found h is m ark w ith a b u llet through th e b rave D ig g er’s brain. The plodder close upon th e oth er’s h eels slipped and lo s t his revolver in recovering h is balance. H e snatched up th e dead m an ’s rifle and w ith a sw inging blow sm ashed in th o skull of th e H u n who sta g g erin g drunkenly, collapsed w ith a gu rg le . To th e on -rushing troops th e w hole seem ed a g a lla n t act on th e p a rt of th eir brave officer. T im e, however, did n ot p erm it of eith er exp lanation s or con gratu lation s. I t was a case of ‘O n.’ E very th o u g h t, every action m ust m ean “ O bjective” .

“ T hat even in g w ith th e task w ell accom plished, th e plodder returned to find who had foresta lled him in th e attack on th o m achine gun em placem ent. As far as h is hazy recollections w ould p erm it th e scene rem ained unchanged. The brave D igger s till lay face downw ards in th e m ud. S o m eth in g .about tho p rostra te figure seem ed fam iliar to th e plodder. H e decided to search th e dead m an’s p ockets in th e hope of finding h is id e n tity . The shock on tu rn in g th e body over absolu tely stu nn ed our fr iend , for th ere sta r in g th rough its m ask or m ud, w as th e dead fa c e of h is w aster brother. An hour la ter , a fte r burying his brother, he staggered to -his com pany carrying a m ud sta in ed le tter addressed to h im self in his brother’s h and -w riting . T he w r iter , in th e co n te n ts of h is le tter , said ho w ished to die such a death w hich would in som e m easure aton e for th e p ast. H o asked th a t no m ention of his nam e should be m ade, or th e m anner of h is death u ntil te n years had elapsed.

“ G entlem en, in due course th e plodder received prom o- . tio n and a V .C . H e took th ese as a m a tter of course, w earing a decoration w hich r igh tly belonged to another.

“A t th e term in ation of th e war th e p lodder’s ex c e llen t service cred en tia ls procured him a long desired op en in g . To-day he is reputed as on e of th e com m ercial sa te llite s of th is country . This p ractica lly concludes m y story , so I hope, gen tlem en , you w ill excuso m e, for I w ish to pass th is th e te n th an niversary of th e death of m y brother, in s o l it u d e /’

— R . G . Hu r t .

M aid of th e W est, w hen so ft tw ilig h t is fa llin g ,T h y sp ir it is b o rn e on th e w est Avind to m e,

A w ay o’er th e foam w here th e seabirds are ca lling I t skim s o ’er th e w aves of th e w h ite crested sea.

H igh on th e beach th e w h ite horses are flingin gThe foam from th eir flanks, w h ile th eir thundering

f e e tB ea t t im e to th e son gs th e sirens are s in g in g

In th eir hom es w here th e w inds and th e w h irling spray m eet.

And there on th e shore, w here th e h eaven-flung surges A re ca u g h t by th e w ild winds and sca ttered afar

From o u t of th e tu m u lt, th y sp ir it em ergesA s breaks th ro’ th e daw n-m ist th e b right m ornin g star.

A nd when th ro’ th o long hours m y sad h ea rt is p in ing F or hom e and th e loved ones who w ait th er e for m e,

I know th a t th e lig h t of your sp ir it is sh in ing To gu ide m e across th e wild billows to thee.

.— L .A .M .

STO L EN .

W ill th e person who took a brown w oollen hand k n itted shaw l from starboard side o f second class passenger deck on th e 2 nd.

W ill finder p lease return th e above artic le to sh ip ’s orderly room .

A rew ard of 2 s 6 d w ill be g iv en on re tu rn to th e finder.(T he above appeared on th e sh ip ’s N o tic e B oard.)

H O W L O N G ?

A certa in chaplain offering p rize w atches as an inducem en t to th e D iggers to p articip ate in an im prom ptu speech- m ak ing co m p e titio n :

“ H er e you are, D iggers, th is on e w ill run for e ig h t days w ith ou t w in d in g .”

T aranaki D ig g er: “ Say, P ad re, how long w ill i t go if you wind i t ? ”

The wounded “D ig g e r ’’ w as w heeled from th e operating room and placed in h is bed. F or a tim e h e la y q u ite still, and then a satisfied sm ile cam e over h is face. “ Thank God th a t ’s all o v er ,” lie m u ttered . “ D o n ’t be too sure said one of h is neighbours, “ when ]. had m y arm opened , th e surgeon le ft a lit t le sp onge inside i t . ” T he la te s t v ictim shuddered. “ Y es,” said th e “ D ig g er” on th e other s id e of h im , “ And w hen I had m y leg operated on, a l i t t le pair of tw eezers w as le f t 121 th e w ou nd .” T h e listen er g a v e a deeper shudder. T hen th e surgeon cam e in and looking round th e room, asked, “ has anyone seen m y w alk in g s t ic k .” The poor “ D ig g er” p rom p tly fa in ted .

H om ew ard bound w e are a t la st A cheerful ep itom e!

A s m ile by m ile and hour by hours are p ast, R etu rn in g H om e.

R etu rn in g hom e so eager, keen To see our land once m ore,

Pencarrow H ead and roofs of red I w een T he friends ashore.

W arm th e w elcom e, h o t w ith w a itin g A s eager lips are pressed,

W e’re hom e a t last ’m idst joyous celebration A nd lo v e ' expressed.

H om ew ard bound and bounding hom ew ard Over oceans wide,

God gran t th a t w e m ay alw ays be Our peop le’s pride.

— R .F .J .

HOMEWARD BOUND. 5

'EM To A LEAD-SWINGER’S LAMEMT.

A s a i l ! TJie M vo lo u s lieu ten a n t saw it first-3 h aving ju st fin ished h is te te -a -te te w ith a brother officer’s w ife.

W e w ere five days ou t from E nglan d , and for tho la st th re e had seen n oth in g m o r e-in ter estin g th an lim itless ocean and an u nlim ited num ber o f sick passengers, w hose com p lex io n s w ere green er th a n th e sea is now or ever shall be. In a few m in utes, a fter th e frivolous on e’s exclam ation had drawn a ll eyes tow ards th e horizon , all sorts of weird in stru m en ts began to m ak e th e ir appearance on deck. B in ocu lars (m ostly “ r a tted ” from som e B oche dead or alive), te lescop es w h ich had seen b etter days, and even cam eras, th ou gh w h a t a cam era , could do a t ab out eigh t m iles ran ge is m ore th an even I can u nderstand . H ow ever all th is tim e our “sa il” was g e tt in g closer and m any w ere tho conjectures as to her id e n tity . Som eone declared it was th e “ Old [M aunganui,” another w as sure i t was a w arship (fiddlesticks), w h ile even th e frivolous lieu ten a n t ventu red a gu ess which w as equally w ide of th e m ark. “ S h e’s big enough for th e “ M au retan ia ,” quoth he, and th e “ te te - a -te te d -o n e” looked im pressed. B u t now she w as near en ou gh for a carefu l scrutin y , and tu rn ed ou t to be n oth in g m ore rom antic th a n an old tram p. T he in tere st she aroused was q u ite rem arkab le . A nd so do l itt le h app en ings w ake us up a fter w e h ave n ot looked upon any link w ith th e ou tside world for a few days. And now everyon e tak es an occasional anxious g lance along th e horizon for any sign o f th a t a sp ect of life w ith o u t w h ich w e can n ot re st for long , com panionsh ip— even if - i t is in th e sh ape o f an old h u lk !

A. W . S h e p h e r d , N .Z .B .B .

T hrough ou t th e breadth of E ngland T here's n oth in g q uite so fair,

A s D evon in th e sum m er tim e W ith all its beauties rare.

T he w oodlands and th e m eadow s To wander through a t will,

T he lovely sylvan glades,Tho splendour of th e h ills .

0 com e w ith m e to D evon,W here joy and peace ab ide;

Come and h ear th e th ro stle sing In tlxe calm of eventid e.

Thou haven fa ir of refuge^ fare th ee w e ll;I h ie m e h ence, b u t w h ither m ay n ot te ll— Suffice i t is th a t I d epart to-day,T he D octor b id s m o go, I dare n ot stay .

I cam e in but tw o days ago w ith ’flu,A nd th o u g h t I h ere m igh t rest a day or tw o.B u t now th e dear old D octor says I'm fit A nd th a t I m u st aw ay to do m y b it.

I would th a t I could h ere forever r e s t:I ’d cou n t m yse lf a b eing truly b lest,B u t D octor know s a good deal m ore than I H e bids m e go. I dare n ot question w hy ?

— iL.A.M .

M an y su perstition s prevailed at tho F ro n t, but none w as so com m on as th a t of th e three m atches. You could g e t . a m an to risk h is life for som e tr iv ia l th in g , but in n in e cases ou t of ten you could n o t g e t th a t sam e m an to be th e th ird one of a trio to lig h t his c ig a r ette from tho sam e m atch . T h is su perstition did not h ave its origin in th e W orld W ar, but in th e l i t t le set-to betw een E ng lan d and th e B oers in 18S)D. T he sto r y is to th e effect th a t th ree B ritish troopers on patrol one n ig h t stopped to lig h t th eir cigarettes. N o. 1 struck th e m atch and a fte r lig h tin g h is

- “ d opestick ” passed i t on to N o. 2 who in tu rn presented i t to N o. 3. The th ird m an w as in th e a c t of lig h tin g his c ig a r ette w hen a sh ot ran g ou t and he p itch ed forward dead— a n e a t hole drilled in h is forehead. A Boer sn iper had g o t h im . T he story spread and from th a t tim e on, on th e V e ld t no one w ou ld be th e th ird to lig h t Ins sm oke from th e sam e m atch for fear of a sim ilar fa te .

T he W ar C ontingent A ssociation showed a lack of fores ig h t in provid ing deck chairs large enough to carry one but n ot sufficiently strong to c a n y two.

IAvvid S cott .

S cen e: Y .M .C .A , room on board “ B r ito n .” T he D iggers are filing p a st in a queue g e tt in g m agazines, books, e tc ., issued to them .

A D ig g er : “ Say, D ig ., g o t any of I le x B each ’s books? Y.M . M an: “ N o .” “ O ne of R alph C onnor’s ? ” “N o ”

“ How about one of N a t G ould’s? ” “ N o th in ’ d o in g .” “ Oh! G ive us a lem o n !” (H e M°t i t .)

HOMEWARD BOUND. 9

IERGT.-MAJOR LEE.

T he first tim e w e m et w as w hen he em barked,Q uite sh ort,— five fo o t three, b u t dapper and sm art,H e was h ere and there like a m an m ade o f w ire,And rapped o u t h is orders like m achine-gun fire,T his Sergeant-M ajor, says I, is som e m an ,H e ca,n h and le th ose D iggers and by J o v e so h e can!

A hum orous tw in k le in th e deep se t eye ,A frank open face which would scorn to l i e ;The m an as I know him — tr u e b lue and dead square In all of h is dealings fairer th an fair,S et on som e occasions th a t jaw can be set,A n d h is words carry w e igh t w hen h e ’s angry you bet E very sen tence can stin g like th e lash of a w hip,B u t th ey l ik e h im , and respect him , a ll th e m en in th e sh ip .

T hey ask h is ad vice to s e t tle all s tr ife ,F rom bad food to trussin g an oth er m an ’s w ife.H e ’s a w onder, a star turn , is th is Sergeant-M ajor,A nd h e’ll pray, sing song or figh t for a w ager,A nd listen , i t ’s tr u e w h a t I say old son,H e is B eck ett, H a ig , and L loyd G eorge in one.T o see him is to know him , and th en y o u ’ll agree,I t ’s a life lik e im pression of R .S .M . L ee.

H e is activ e and lig h t—1-his footw ork is grea t,S ee him sp arrin g th er e now w ith a. m an tw ice 'hisi w eight, H e ’s engu lphed , oyerw helm ed, lrash, don’t speak to o soon, J u s t w atch th a t le f t hand i t can p lay to som e tu n e.L ik e a flash o u t i t darts like th e s tin g of a snake,W hile th a t r ig h t hook will m ake th a t b ig fe llow a c h e :T hree rounds— his opponent sh outs ou t enough,T he M ajor is a class by h im self— and no bluff.

A nd now Sergeant-M ajor I m ust bid you adieu,I ’ve roughed it a b it , and m e t q u ite a few ,B u t for sh eer personality , vigour and ta c t,M y H a t ’s off to you R ob ert Leo, th a t’s a fa c t,T he world .is very sm all, and we m ay m e et again I f w e do or w e don’t— w ell, y o u ’v e p layed a good gam e, And I hope th ese few verses w ritten in leisure W ill ever and alw ays bring back to you p leasure,I’h sorry y o u ’re leav in g , but, nover-the-less,W here ere you m any w ander I wish you success,And som etim es, w hen dream ing perhaps I shall see In th e sm oke rin gs th e picture of S ergeant M . L ee.

— II. L. C o l w e l l , 3rd Of Hear

1s t D ig g er— “ S a y ! H a v e you heard th a t Ted S m ith has g o t tho D .C .M P

2nd D igger— “ W h a t for?”1st D ig g er— “ I dunno.”2nd D ig g er— “ B lim ey, why a in ’t I g o t one too? I hid

in th e sam e d u g -o u t.”

AUCTEOM SALE! AUCTEOM SALE!

GREAT LAND SALEB Y A U C TIO N .

NO R E S E R V E .

W E SEL L T H E E A R T H ! P L A N S N O W B E IN G P R E P A R E D .

M JilSSRS. B LO W H A R D , B U ST and D IE , A uctioneers, E tc ., have received instru ction s to sell by auction , a t a d a te arranged la t e r :

A ll th a t P arcel of Land a t present ly in g ben eath th e sh ip , and stretch in g from N orth to S outh and E a st to W est. A sp lendid chance for ex -so ld ier s!

T he land is all v irg in land and has never y e t been worked. W ith certa in tr e a tm e n t i t could be m ade su itab le for c a ttle , pigs, or p ou ltry . T h e land contains m any deposits of gold which is w ell know n. A lso w ith carefu l search m ay be found th e E n tire F le e t of a certa in N a v y which la te ly surrendered w ith o u t figh ting . A t p resen t th o land is h idden w ith w ater, w hich th e buyer h as th e r ig h t to rem ove in any su itab le m anner. H e m ay burn or dispose of i t in any w ay he w ishes to.

F a th er N ep tu n e w ill w ield th e ham m er.A n added a ttra ctio n is th e sea harem , con ta in in g m any

b ea u tifu l m erm aids.

DON’T MESS THESIIn th e even of an}' d isp u te the one p egg ing o u t his claim

first shall be h eld to be in possession.

Gelt A Fflamio 0°0 Planus M©w Ready.,B .H .B . A N D D .,

: A uctioneers.

10 HOMEWARD BOOMD.

A F T E R “A rm istice” th e w h ole of th e N ew Zealand F ield A rtillery re tu rn ed to th e sh ell-shattered tow n o f Q uivey and w ere b illeted eith er in th e tow n or on

th e o u tsk ir ts u n til th e 28 th N ovem ber, 1918. Then they m oved forw ard as a, p art of th e 2nd A rm y Corps through F ran ce and B elg iu m to th e R h in e to do d u ty w ith th e Army o f O ccupation.

D u rin g our sojourn in Q uivey} m y b attery horse lines and gun parks w ere situ a ted in th e railw ay yard. A fter we had been th er e a few days and had a w ell earned rest, w e w ere insp ected by our popu lar C IK .A ., General Joh nston , know n to us as “ B lin k v .” H e to ld u s th a t th e N ew Z ealand D ivision had been honoured by b eing included to ta k e p art a s th e A rm y of O ccupation o f th e R h ine. H e w e n t on to say th a t lie hoped n one o f u s would regret g o in g forward and, all b eing w e ll, w e should be able to sam ple som e of th e renow ned R h in e w in e, of w h ich one 'heard so m uch, but had, a s y e t , n o t had th e chance of ta st in g .

F or several days rum ours had been g o in g ab out th a t w e w ere go ing to G erm any, and n atu ra lly th e m ajority of us w ere not too p leased about it , b ut a fter w e found ou t th a t i f w e d id n o t go to G erm any w e should m ost probably be em ployed in F ran ce eith er sa lvag in g , fillin g up shell holes, e tc ., w e w ere m ore or less inclined to th ink th a t th e “ tr ek ’’ th rou gh to C ologne would be m ore p referab le a fter all.

So a fter g e t t in g ev e ry th in g ready for our “ trek ’’ wo le ft Q uivey on th e m orning o f th e 28th N ovem ber, 1918.

R e v e ille sounded a t 4 .30 a .m . and w e w ere ready and s ta n d in g by to ta k e ou r p lace a llo tted in th e “ Column of R o u te ,” w hen, a t ab out 7 .30 a .m ., w e g o t “ B a tte ry , 'S h u n .” “ W alk M arch” and off w e sta r ted , passing through S olesm es, E scarm aine, h a lt in g a t Capelle for th e n ig h t. W e were billeted, in a h uge barn b ig enough for a b a ttery to m anouvre in . A n y am ount of straw to sleep on, and, as i t w as ra in ing h eav ily all n igh t, w e appreciated even an old barn.

N e x t m orning, i t was still ra in ing h eavily so w e postponed m arch ing u n til th e morrow.

Oil N ovem ber 30th reveille sounded a t 6.30 a .m . N ow w hen an artillerym an g e ts a la te reveille he know s jolly w e ll h e ’s g o in g to be th e ta il end1 o f th e “ colum n” for th a t day, which m eans la st in, a t n ig h t, la s t to pull in off th e road, la st to w ater and feed , and as a ru le first out th e n ex t m orning. W e w ere off again through B eaudignee and th e ou tsk ir ts of L e Q uesnoy, w here only a. fe w w eeks ago we w ere fig h tin g our w ay th rou gh , eventua lly forcing th e garrison to surrender. P a ss in g through B avay w e bivouaced th re e k ilo s from th e tow n. I t w as cold and m iserable. I rem em ber p assing a h uge oil lak e th a t day. I t was still

w e t and cold th e n e x t m orning, b u t as w e w ere s ta y in g t ill th e 3rd D ecem ber, w e passed th e tim e as every good a rtillerym an sh ou ld :— “ Sam e old c lean in g harn ess, sam e old clean in g brass.” You know how th e son g goes fin ish ing up w ith a hot d inner o f S tew , S tew , S tew .

D ecem ber 3rd w e trekked through L ongu ev ille , H a u t- m ont, h a lt in g for th e n ig h t at F erriere L e G rand • F ou r of us struck clover as regards our b ille t ; th e lady of th e house had h ot coffee ready for us, a n ice fire, and m u ch to our surprise, a bed. B u t i t w as too m uch for us. N o n e o f us g o t m uch s leep ; everyone swore w e ou g h t to h a v e slep t on tho floor, and of course w e stayed h ere only one n ig h t, b eing off ag a in n e x t m orning.

D ecem ber 4 th w e passed th rou gh R ecquencies M enton and J o u n o t w here, for th e first tim e, w e cam e across our own In fa n try . T h e ravages o f war h ad n o t touched here, and th e F rench p easan ts w ere b usy on th e land u sin g all sorts of an im als in th e ir tea m s,— O xen, donkeys, horses and dogs. H undreds of H u n railw ay tr u c k s w ere le f t behind h ere. A t M enton th e l in e w as blown up and am m unition trucks blow n to p ieces. This day w e passed th e border and are now in B elg ium , h a lt in g for th e n ig h t a t F o n ta in V alm on t, a busy m an u facturin g centre.

D ecem ber 6 th , w e m ade a sh ort “ tr ek ” to Lobbes. p assing a b usy canal w ith huge barges. C iv ilisa tion onco more. E lectr ic tram s, e tc . A t n ig h t w e w e n t to see th e tow n w here w e found a num ber of b rillian t esta n iin ets .

S un day , D ecem ber 8 th , we tr ek ed th rough A nderlau , F on ta ines and C haleroi. Crowds of p eop le w atch ed us pass through th e la tte r city w here a b ig d isp lay o f flags, arches of evergreen s across th e roads and b un tin g , inscribed “ W elcom e to th e B rave B ritish Sold iers, our L ib erators” m ade our en tr y tr ium phal. P a ssin g th e ra ilw ay in th e suburbs o f C haleroi, w e saw th e w reck age o f a, H u n troop tra in , b low n u p by our airm en. A rriv ing , about 6 p .m . at a sm all v illa g e on th e o u tsk ir ts o f th e c ity w e w ere b illeted in a large school. H er e w e -receiv ed our first N ew Z ealand m ail since leav in g F rance.

D ecem ber 9th , w e m oved off th rou gh several sm all v illa g es where th e school ch ildren lined th e roads loudly cheering u s w ith “ V ive la A n g lete re ,” “ V ive la N o u v elle Z ea la n d e.” H a lt in g a t noon a t Co vy-1 e-Oh a tea u , a sm all B elgium farm ing v illage , w e b illeted in th e granary of a very large farm house. T he w hole p lace w as lig h te d , even to th e cow sheds’, by electr ic ity . T he em ployees w ere chiefly fine, big, buxom g ir ls who, of course, can ie in for a good doal of chaffing from th o boys. Close to th is farmhouse is a fine old chateau w ith a m oat all round and above th e en trance g a te , th e d ate 1718. W e sta y e d h ere for tw o days, and on D ecem ber 12th m oved off th rough Isn es to M eux!

P a ssin g I s n e s w e saw a lo t of F r itz ie gu ns ■which had been l e f t behind. L ate a t n ig h t w e arrived a t M eux, w et th rou gh , cold and hungry.

D ecem ber 13th , i t w as s till ra in ing , b u t we m ade a sta r t and passed through som e very p icturesque scenery in clu d in g a gorge th rou gh which flowed a ru sh in g , see th in g cascade, a tr ib u tary of th e M euse, in flood. H er e also w ere h uge s to n e quarries which supp lied th e ston e for all th e houses for m iles. P roceedin g through M eeffe and Acrosse w e h a lted a t th e v illa g e o f M olia w here w e stayed for three days. I t rained m ost of th e tim e , b u t we v is ited th e tow n of H u y and took advantage of som e hot bath s k in d ly b uilt for us by Jerry in a sugar refinery. F or th e tim e being we used our tow els as sugar bags and b rou ght back more sugar th a n w e could consum e. A n oth er day 50 per cent, w ere gran ted lea v e to L iege, w hich is a fine c ity b ut badly sm ashed about, in 1914, by th e H u n s .

D ecem ber 17th . I t w as s till ra in in g w hen w e m oved off but; cleared u p sh ortly after. A ll day w e w ere trek k in g th rou gh th e v a lley o f th e M euse, passin g th rou gh W anze, H u y , N e u v ille and O m bret, b ille tin g in th e square a t S erain g. On th e le f t bank of th o M euse w ere coal m ines, lim e w orks, ston e quarries, e tc ., and on th e r ig h t bank grand ru gged scenery , sloping up to h illy country covered w ith p in es. H ere w e passed dozens of H u n m otor .lorries, w aggon s, am bulances, w orkshops and tractors all overtu rn ed on each side of th e road. N ow and again w e cau gh t g lim pses o f our In fa n try m arching on th e le f t bank of tho rivea*.; W h ile p assin g th rou gh B elg ium th e inh a b ita n ts tr ea ted us w ell and a t each h a lt th e w om en w ould com e ou t w ith sm all basins of coffee. “ C afe M onsieur,” . “ M erci M adam ossellez .” These four words are about th e e x te n t of m y IFrench (D igger F rench .—'Editor.).

D ecem ber 18 th .— W e le ft S eraing about 11 a .m . for C henee, about five k ilos from th e C ity of L eige. H ere w e w ere b il le te d ! in a large mansion b ut -Terry’s troops had been h ere before us. A t n igh t we iall tram m ed to th e C ity of L iege. T h e p lace w as fu ll of D iggers as th e D iv ision h ad arrived contem poraneously w ith us. The c ity h as a popu lation of 128,000. B ea u tifu l bridges span th e M euse w hich runs through th e m iddle of th e tow n. T he

shops and cafes will rem em ber th e D ig g ers’ v is it for some tim e. I t w as a rare m e etin g of th e clans, everybody running across som eone th ey knew .

D ecem ber 19th .— W o trekked from S henee to V erviers, another large tow n of 58,000 inh ab itants. T he ch ief industry seem ed to be clo th in g or fabrics. T he m ajority of us w ere b illeted in a large h a lls but a good m any of us th e in h ab itan ts inv ited to th e ir homes.

D ecem ber 20 th .— W e passed through E upen , F orges, and over th e border in to Germ any, h a lt in g for tw o days a t a sm all tow n called R o tg en . W e w ere b illeted w ith a G erm an farm er w ho, m uch to our. surprise, m ade us very com fortable. T hey p u t us in th e ir s itt in g room w ith a good fire and p len ty of h ot coffee. T he farm er had two- daughters and h is son w as a d ischarged soldier badly- w ounded. H e brought ou t a map and show ed us th e different fronts he had fo u g h t on , and to th e b est of h is ab ility to ld us how g lad h e w a s th a t it w as all over. H e possessed an accordeon and th e tw o n ig h ts w e sp en t here wero very m usical, th e fam ily jo in in g in w ith u sv

E arly on D ecem ber 23rd w e m oved off up h ill t i l l noon, a h eavy drag on th e horses. W o passed th rou gh m iles and m iles of p ine forest com ing across w oodm en dressed in their p icturesque costum es.- B ivou acin g a t B ir il, 6 k ilos from D urem , w e s lep t in an estam inet for th e n ig h t.

D ecem ber 2 4 th .— W e trek ked through th e tow n of D uren to Ivaspen, h a lt in g in th e square w ith our horse lines in th e shadow o f a ohurch and b ille t in g ourselves in a large school close by. B e in g C hristm as E v e th e R h ine w ine flowed freely . T he tim ely arrival of an Flnglisli m ail saved m ost of us from d in ing a lto g eth er on stew .

N oon on D ecem ber 26tli (B ox ing D ay) found us on th e o u tsk ir ts of th e C ity of C ologne. B e in g a holiday th e shops w ere closed and hundreds of peop le thronged th e str ee ts to see us m arch through th e c ity , along th e I lo en zo llen S trasse and over th e H oen zo llen B ridge to th e E xhib ition B uild in gs w here we w ere station ed u n til M arch, 1919. W h at did th e G erm ans th in k of us as w e rode tr iu m p h antly through th e c ity in a ll our war p a in t d ir ty , draggled , m uddy, out a t th e k nees and elbows, b ut w ith m ein as proud as peacocks ?

T hu s ended a w et, cold, m iserable “ tr e k ,” b ut th e New Zealand artillery w ere a t Cologne.

— W . O . L tg g in s .

M em ory m ay bo fond, be true To those who care.

M em ory to m e only brings D espair.

F led th e joy youth love a tta in s , ■ G ood-bye! D ream s of th ee .

F led th e p lans for fu tu re laid H ope and reverie .

W ould to God m y p ast would dim , M y fu tu re sh ine m ore bright,

W ould to God th a t I could rest C on trite.

12

A S is usual on board a troopship sports m eetin g s p layed a prom inent p art in re lie v in g th e m onotony of th e daily ro u tin e . On th e B riton th ere w as no excep tion

to th is ru le. A. sports co m m ittee w as appoin ted o f w hich C aptain J o n e s a n d M r. W . F rench w ere jo in t secretaries, and th is body arranged a cap ita l sp orts program m e con sistin g of v a r io u s 'd e c k gam es, tu gs-of-w ar, q uoits, m edicine b all, “ O’G rady,” hop, step and jum p, etc. V arious un its com peted under d ivers bizarre n am es, “ The W allads” eventu a lly w inning. T h e W allads w ere a. team chosen from th e m ounted m en of th e E g y p tia n E xp ed ition ary F orce football te a m who had an u nb eaten record- in E g y p t. T he nam es o f th e m en com prising th e w in n in g team w ere:—S 1. M l Clarke, S erg t. P en n y , Corpl. W orker, Corpl. R oss, T roopers W ight- m an, S tew a rt, D u nn ing , and M cN eil. L ieu ts. D unning and S c o tt had ch arge of th e team , each m em ber of which is to rece ive a handsom e m edal.

T he “ D in k u m M oas,” a team from th e Rifle B rig a d e cam e a close second.

EOXIMGo

B o x in g is alw ays a p rom inent fea tu re of any troop sp orts, and n eed less to say i t w as popular on th e “ B r ito n .” E verybody who could possib ly g e t th ere a tten ded th o tourn am en t h ek l on tho prom enade deck on M onday, J u ly 14th . T he re feree w as S e r g t .-M ajor R . C. L ee , th e tim ekeep er and M .C . C aptain H . T. J o n es. Official seconds, S ergt.-M ajor C ole, S ergts. A shm an, S ta ffert , and R ichardson . J o in t S ecretaries, C aptain I I . T . J o n es and M r W . W . F rench. T he re su lts w e re:—

H ea v y -w eig h t—

HOMEWARD BOUND. 13* * * * * *

J

"* Brifi

= f r esh and !u ird right

M e d for:‘u‘ Private nch- Time id .

5t r °n g , ;,tid l e stepped, w e punish, jum ped iny, knocking 1 cautioned

>nd repeat- B o th men

o r holding, jaw , Lloyd slipping ,o ity in out- > V'red and

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th th e left h;,nd right “d to clinch ivere weak.

eant-Major in e r . This purse «

iffiwr Cob- , they bad

arrivals t tha t tall >d in - f te ,t s'! asked

l>«

rts vrliif'1

iey ^drinK

T HE! first of a series o f concerts arranged for th e am usem e n t of th e 1s t and 2 nd classi passengers was held in th e 1st S aloon on Thursday n ig h t, th o 26 th Ju ne .

Q uite a la rg e program m e w as p u t on , in fa c t, a trifle too J o n g for th ose who did n o t q u ite en joy th e h ea t. To say th e lea st th e ta le n t d isp layed w as n o t in sp ir ing , and Mrs. P iper and Captaid, R ichards w ere th e only tw o perform ers who captured an encore. T he form er sang ta ste fu lly and sw eetly , her b est work being “T he P e r fe c t D a y .” T h e Q .M . re lied on o ld chorus favou rites and scored heav ily . T he Lucas B roth ers sa n g n icely , b u t on ly th ose near them w ere favoured . P ad re B ullock g a v e a n Arm y song and M rs. P r ig g and M rs. W ild both tackled item s

14 HOMEWARD BGUMD>„

A m ong th o m ost in tere stin g even ts on board during th e tr ip w as th e baby beauty com petition arranged by tho Sw astikas. Tho babies p artic ip atin g w ere N orm an R iches, A len M ason j P a tty B lak e, K en neth M abin, John B ullock , P a t Jo n es, H u ia M abin, Joan A nderson, Jean A ndrews, R ob ert W ilson , R ichard T hom as, J o y ce M ason, Isobel Cum m ings, R e g g ie Sm ail, B ery l W ootten , J a n e t M cG regor, R ichard E nglish , M arion H enderson , Ir is Lauder, W inifred W illiam s, J oan Goldsmith^ K a th le en H ow ell, P eg g y Barrel!, M ary E n g lish ,, and P ercy H u b n er; th e la s t named) b eing tho S w astika baby.

T ho affair Was a great success, and after th e babies had been photographed, each received an interesting m em ento as first prize.

A t th e requ est of several passengers th e m enu for lunch w as altered from “ L eg of B eef Soup’’ to “ P o ta g e S w a stik a .” T his apparently upset th e chef who rushed to th e ch ief stew ard say ing “ You pull m y leg . Y esp N o ? ” T he answ er received w as “ C erta in ly n o t, chef. I should not th ink of doing such a th in g .” The ch ief stew ard exp la in ing th a t S w a stik a m eans R ussian for “ L eg o f B eef S o u p .” T his rep ly ev id en tly satisfied th e chef who w e n t aw ay sayin g : “ A ll R ite , I v ill g iv e deni a R u ssian sou p .”

T he P ion eer w as see ing th e sig h ts and w as r id ing round in the inn er circle tra in s looking for C haring Cross. A fter com pleting th e circu it a few tim es and see in g n o th in g but B ovril on th e w a lls o f th e sta tion ho h a iled th e guard and sh outed: “ H ey , boss, w here th e C haring Cross, th is fellow all B o v r il.” — Opl. Carted*.

HOMEWARD BOUMD. 15

HUMOROUS)© ffg® ainte B ® W ® e L

P erh ap s th is is a breach of m ilitary e tiq u e tte and a divulging, so to say, of S ta te secrets, bu t th an k heaven ourC.O. is a thorough “ spo rt.” O therw ise I am much afraid th a t I should see again th a t en try which lias so often besmirched th e virg in whiteness of my conduct-sheet— th a t phrase too well known to m ost of us which readc th “ conduct con trary to good order and m ilita ry discipline.” For this is a b it of secret h istory which cam« my way qu ite accidentally and was alm ost forced on me.

D uring th e very hot n igh ts th a t were the ru le prior to our passage th rough the P an am a I had found a- good “ posio” ju s t off the second saloon deck. One night, th e h o tte s t to date, I could not sleep so slipped o u t of my hamm ock and lean t over the ra il to g e t as much of the breeze as possible. Gradually I became aware of voices ju st th e o ther side of the p artition .

“ Well, M ac,” came a voice, “ i t ’s sure bad luck having to tak e this pe tition to th e skipper, b u t since we have to do it— guess i t ’s a cinch i t ’s got to be some ta le .”

“ You’re r ig h t H ------, old boy. Lord, how I wish i twere a business proposition. B u t in these m atte rs you canno t m ake a debit and c red it affair of i t—strike a balance of the ten d e r feelings as i t were-”

“ True, qu ite t ru e ,” sighed a voice which somehow 1 associated with a certain sergean t of small s ta tu re who seemed to have suffered m ost from Cupid’s shafts. “ I really don’t know th e best way to go about it. I t seems to me th a t these th ings are best expressed in verse. I have given th e m atte r much thought; and discussed i t w ith th e orderly sergean t who is a m an of much experience in these m atters. Together we evolved th is .” Then came th a t p articu lar ru stle which only Y.M.C.A. w riting paper can produce, and a voice v ib rating w ith passion and a pathos (please don’t spell it w ith a “ b ,” M r Compositor) indiscribable declaimed th e following:—

M ost noble captain we m ost hum bly pray,T h a t you a t once devise some way To lessen th e electric ray W hich tu rn s th e darkness into day.

For Cupid is a heavenly god.And w hat is more he’s blind you know :So doesn’t i t seem hollow show To woo him ’neatli the g listening glow Of b rillian t arc-light, baneful th ing ,W hich from our honeymoon takes th e vim.

Now, supposing Cupid were n o t blind.Doesn’t i t occur unto your mind T h a t being of celestial race H e ’d only care to show his face W here heaven’s unassisted m ight B rought peaceful darkness—welcome night.

For take our lovely promenade,How i t ’s rom antic beauty’s m arred By seats where loudest lovers’ dreams,Disturbed by brigh t electric beams,Are robbed of th eir sweet hallowed joy,Become m erest dross—worthless alloy.

ISo ideal spots are ruined qu ite Bv w hat we- feel an oversight,And w hat should be sequestered nook,Free from Diggers’ g lare or look,Is lit by worse than incandescent So Cupid’s stay is evanescent.

Oh, love is but a tender flower,And bloometh best in shady bower,Am idst those glades where ligh t is not And darkness helps th e m arriage knot.F or we are newly m arried and A tru ly loving, happy band,B u t th is fierce light they call electric Is m aking us quite apopletie.So for our fu tu re happiness we feel,And also for the public weal,T h at you accede to our request,So shall you be for ever blest.

“ T h at ought to h i t him where he lives,’’ said H ------ -—“I t h its me where I live,” said Mac, “ i t sounds profit

ab le .”No. 3 said nothing, and apparently the above perp e tra

tion was agreed on. I w ent back to my ham m ock feeling I had been much privileged. How I learn t the sequel is, as K ipling would say, another story. B u t I know th e captain replied th u s :

Begone, ye fools, w hat u tte r ro t is th is :You w ith your ta lk of such connubial bliss;Ye silly, blithering , flabby coons You’re like a pack of d aft baboons.Before ye go this one th ing m ark,My ship is n o t London’s Hyde P a rk .A fine fellow the captain, and evidently too much of a

gentlem an n o t to reply in th e le tte r—if not th e sp irit— of th e petition .

“ W hat did Alf die o f?” asked Jim . “ O h ! 'w eak h eart, Jim . W hy?”“ I had an idea it was strong sp irits .”

16 HOMEWARD BOUMD,

F A Ilt-H A IU E D , b lue-eyed , lith e and strong, y e t in th e b attery he w as know n as “ G irlie .” P erhap s th is w as due to h is in ad ap tab ility to trench lan gu age or th a t

he u sed to g iv e others h is rum ration and h e used to say his prayers in th e b ivvy a t n ig h ts . T he average D igger longs for P a r is leave or a ‘ ‘n ic e -litt le -B lig h ty ’ ’ w h ile as a souven ir a w hole sk in is considered th e best. N o t so Girlie — he had five sisters and a m ilitary-m edal-brother. T here's th e rub! G irlie was ou t for a V .C . N ow V .O .’s don’t hang

. round th e w aggon lines and G irlie did. This w as a n yth in g b u t G irlie’s in ten tion- b u t w hen a lead driver loses h is w ay, a w heel-driver a w h eel, and a gu n num ber sets th e infantry cu rsin g , G irlie had to be k ep t in th e w aggon lines, i f only he could g e t up to th e g u n s again he was sure som eth in g could bo done. A t n ig h ts lie would lay awake th in k in g over a hundred-and-one inc idents th a t m igh t m ake h im a hero of th e b a tte ry .— The B rigade—perhaps even the D iv ision . ! ! One dav w h en th e battery w as in a w arm sector and G irlie was p olish ing off y esterd a y ’s ru st from som e never-used stirrup-irons, th e call cam e. “ V olu nteer for cook a t G u n s!’’

Girlie “hopped h is fram e o u t’’ and w en t.A Jerry ’p la n e had been over th a t m orning, and its

observer dazzled by th e lu stre o f our harness p ut back for som e sm oked g o g g les and incidenta lly m entioned th e cause of h is return .

G irlie arrived ju st as our b arrage w as star tin g . An 8 -inch Jerry H.Ei. struck th e gun in front of th e cook’s g a lley . G irlie rushed forw ard undaunted by th e fa llin g p ieces.

“ To serve th e gun s ingle-handed”— ‘‘A V .C . a t last. . !” O' lucky D inks. T hat gu n was sm ashed beyond repair.

“ A g r o a n /’— ‘‘A . w ounded com rade.”— “ A lon e! !” Girlie g o t th e corporal on h is back and s e t out for th e dressing sta tio n , g iv in g th an k s as he w ent for th e b ursting sh ells and luck th a t was h is.

H e hurried a long as th o warm blood sa tu rated h is sin g le t an d th e shells burst around, but i t was a long way to th o dressing sta tio n . B y d egrees th e corporal’s groans ceased and h is grip round G irlie’s neck relaxed . H e s ta g gered on w ith h is awkw ard load to th e brew ery cellar and w alked r ig h t in . P a y in g 110 heed to th e stretcher-bearers and m edical orderlies h e deposited h is burden in to th e u n w illin g arm s o f a busy doctor. T h e arm y surgeon who was u nacquainted w ith sym p ath y or p riva te p ractice excla im ed: ‘‘W lia t th e devil do you m ean by b ringin g a corpse in h ere? T his is a h osp ita l, not a cem etery . T ake h im o u t !.’

G irlie stopped a b it of shell w hen re tu rn in g to th e g u n s .T h e y buried h im close to th e M ally-M aillet road; th e double-ration-rum -D igger fash ioned a cross from th e broken gun w heel, cu tt in g th ereon : “ I 11 m em ory o f “ G irlie, V .C .”

F iv e sisters are proud of th eir M .M . brother, b u t th eir dearest th ou ghts are for him w ho sleeps ou t th ere on th e Som m e th a t th ey m ig h t live .

— It. F . Joyeis.

THE DIGGER,

N o m a tter in w hat th ea tre o f war th e fam iliar slouch h a t of th e N e w Zealander is seen — th e w earer is im m ed ia te ly greeted w ith ‘‘H ow goes it , D ig g e r !”

W here soldiers con gregate th e m en from th e l i t t le land lo st som ew here in far Southern Seas are n ever referred to as N ew Zealanders. T hey are alw ays term ed “ D ig g er s’’— and “ D iggers’/ th ey w ill 'always be rem em bered as.

There h ave been m any conjectures as to th e origin of th e term . Som e say th a t i t w as first g iven to th e N ew Zealanders by th eir com rades in arm s on im m ortal A n zac— th e A ussies, o th ers say th a t i t h ad its origin in th e gum d iggers of N orth A uck land . A gain , i t is asserted , th a t w hen on ce th e N e w Zealanders consolidated a “ possie” noth in g th is sido o f hell would sh if t them — and h en ce th e term applied to th em . T hese are a ll apocryphal assum ptions.

T he term ‘‘D ig g er” had it s b irth on th e blood soaken flanks o f G allipoli. T h en — as for m ost of th o w ar— th e M aori B a tta lio n acted as p ioneers— work a t w hich th ey are second to none. A braw ny N ew Z ealander see in g th ese bronzed sons of his n a tiv e land a t work d igg in g a g u n . p it for an artillery position stopped to g iv e a word of encouragem ent. “ Go i t , D ig g e r s!’' lie said.

Tho term stuck . T he M aoris after th a t were addressed as “ D ig g er s” and gradually th e appelation em braced all tho N ew Zealanders, and in th e la t te r stages of th e war th e A ustralians a lso .1 —V.H.

A groan escaped m y tig h t closed l ip s :I sank in to th e chair;

M y n erves w ere h igh ly overstrung W h ile he w as stan d in g th ere.

H e did not seem to sym p ath ise;H e ’d troubles of h is o w n :

’Twas ev id en t I ’d havo to bear T his p a in and grie f alone.

H e placed h is hand beneath m y chin, Tie tilte d up m y head.

“ I ’d b etter ta k e your tooth out n o w ,” The d ental officer s a id !

—It. I I . J u d d .

HOMEWARD BOUND.

\

17

T he B a tte ry m oved off a t 7 .30 a .m . ltu m ou r had been floating: round for th e la st fo r ty -e ig h t 'hours th a t an arm istice w as 'about to h e signed a t any m om ent. W hen th e B a tte r y had been on th e road for h a lf an hour and h a lted to look round, severa l Tom m ies, r e s t in g on th e roadside, in form ed us “ P ea c e is declared , ehoom ! ’Y er needna goo no fu rv e r .” B u t, d oubting T om m y’s w ord, w e m oved olf again. I t was n ot long, how ever} before another T om m y g re ete d mo. w ith som e tea and a s lic e of bacon sa y in g : “ ‘ ’E ard ow t abart th is ere arm sty .' W e’ve had orders to ‘stan d b y ’ and w ait orders, else we h ad J er ry well 011 tho ‘ruddy b un ’ and now tlier a in ’t a ‘Jerry' w ith in 20 k ilo .” I rep lied : “ N o, w e have not heard a n y th in g .” I h ave rathera. so ft h ea rt for a T om m y 'although h e m ay appear rough and uncouth . H e is very generous and alw ays w illin g to sh are half th a t h e m ay have w ith you . A nyhow , sh ortly after th is , we saw a Brass H at- and Ited Tabs go by us a t th e “ tr o t” w ith an orderly scotch ing him up in th e rear. Then cam e down th e “colum n h a lt ,” “ d ism ou n t,” “sm ok e,” th e d rivers look round, inspect th eir horses’ hoofs to see th ey h a v e n ot p icked up a “s to n e ,” or .worse s till a “ n a i l ” reporting all correct or otherw ise, and th en stan d in g by in l it t le groups and tr y to com pree “ ru m ou r.” T hen down com es th e O.C. b reath less and ex c ited and sh outs to us as he rides by ‘‘A R M IST IC E D E C L A R E D ,” h o stilitie s cease a t11 a .m . to-day.

W e had g o t th e g u ts of i t a t la st, officially too . C an’t be no “ fe ed in g ” rum our about th a t, says “ B ill .” “W ar’s over a t last J o e ,” says another driver. “ Y ou can chuck aw ay your ‘b leed ing’ gas m ask and tin h a t .” “ N o fear, you don’t catch m e doing aw ay w ith th e ‘old m ask’ y e t ,” says B ill, “arm istice don’t m ean ‘P e a c e ,’ J e r r y ’s too w ide aw ake to be cau gh t n a p p in g ; he only w an ts a few days so as to g e t h is troops to g e th er again I re ck o n .’’ Only th e n igh t before w e had been c o g ita tin g 011 w h at w ould happen if h o stilitie s ceased. W ould our in fa n try in th e fro n t line run over and shake hands w ith “ Jerry P” O thers had visions of loud cheering , singing , hurrahing, bands p la y in g , e tc ., e t c . , b u t no, n o t even a cheer w e n t up from th e boys. E verybody was m ore or less surprised a.t th e q u iet w ay everyone received th e new s, and as w e again m oved stead ily along th e road th e drivers and gu nn ers are th in k in g hard as to w hat all th is rea lly m eans. Can it be tr u e th a t w e are really g o in g back from th e “ lin e ” for good, never to com e into action aga in , or perhaps only a spell, and th en th e sam e old s tu n ts to go ev e r again. “B ill ,” th e w heei- driver, says to h is m a te rid ing “ c e n tr e ,” “ how long do you reckon th is arm istice is on for, ‘J o e ? ’ ” J o e tu rn s h is head and says over h is shoulder “ dam ned if I know , so m any blasted rum ours about. I f th e ‘firing’ in th e fr o n t ‘lin e ’ stop s a t eleven I shall begin to th ink i t ’s ‘j.ake n ot t ill “ B ill” says “ w e’re go ing back from th e “lin e” any old how. W h a t’s th e tim e now, “ J o e? ’ Joe looks a t h is w atch— 10 p ast eleven I m ake it— and not a sound was to be heard, ex cep t th e crun ch ing o f the w heels as th ey passed over the new ly m ade road an d th e jingling o f th e stee l works of th e harness— w hen h a lf a dozen rifle shots rang ou t clear and loud . “ B ill” does an involu ntary duck and rem arks “ no b lin k y a rm istice round th is quarter ‘J o e .’ ” Joe does n ot reply, b u t th ink s som e. J u st th en th ey round th e bend and

who should be w ip ing th e bolt of a rifle b u t a M aori pioneer and h a n g in g from h is b elt a brace of wood cock. “ H ello a , D igger , you m ake it th e finish te b lurry war, eh ? ” B oth B ill and J o e w ere too re lieved to swear.

— A .N .Z .F .A .

E ssen tia lly th e “B riton ” w as a honeym oon ship. W hether i t w as “ som eth in g in th e seaside a ir ,” w hether “ L o v e’s Y ou ng D ream ” had an yth in g to do w ith i t , or w hether i t w as ju st for som eth in g to do to pass th e tim e aw ay, th is scribe know eth n ot. B u t w hat h e does know and w h at every other unm arried D igger .should know — unless he w as b lind, and th a t is not a fa iling of th e D igger when there are ladies about— w as th a t one could not m ove a. yard w ith ou t tu m b lin g over tw o you ng th ings oblivious to an yth in g else but each o th er’s eyes, or engaged in an osculatory bom bardm ent, th a t m ade one wonder w here th e thunder was com ing fr o m ! Or perhaps she would be stroking his hair, 01* he w ould be m urm uring sw eet noth in gs into her sh ell like ear (C harlie G arv ice), or perhaps he w ould be pressin g th e dam sel to h is m anly bosom, w h ile she hung lim p in h is arm s, all her soul in her eyes m eetin g th e love- l ig h t in h is (slosh). The in tru d in g D igger who nearly broke his neck stu m b lin g over them would m urm ur som eth ing under his b reath, wonder why he w as born, and fade into th e n ig h t..

B u t even a worm will tu rn , and a t la st th e D iggers did. One m orning th e lad ies going for th eir m atutin a l co n stitu tio n a l b efore b reak fast had th e ir eyes arrested by th e fo llow ing sublim e effusion which shrieked a t them from a prom inent p lace on th e saloon prom enade d e c k :—

■] N O TICE.

T o y e a n cien t order o f Love M a k e r s !B o i t know n to a ll y e H om esick , L ovesick , Seasick ,

M othersick , m ooney, spooney ones

T h atP laces o f in tere st aboard ye honeym oon S .S . B riton are

as follow s : —J1. B oat deck (sm all ones inside boats)2 . Sm okeroom s and lounge (a fter ligh ts ou t)

. 3. B ath room s and passages (d itto , a fter lig h ts ou t)4. S tarboard side orderly room (all tim es)5. Inhalers, d isin fectors, yardarm s, crow ’s nests, sh ip ’s

anchors, e tc .

P la ces to avoid :

Sw astikas m eetin g room (unless m em bers of 1 , 2 , or 3 degrees of th a t noble B rotherhood; cap ta in ’s cabin, stew ard s’ cabins, and all o th er cabins, en g in e room; cooks’ ga lleys, and second saloon decks gen erally .

C hew ing gum and acid drops m ay be purchased a t th e can teen .

B y Order.

D o you th in k th a t m ade any d ifference? N o t a b it of it . T he .author was w a lk in g 011 deck th e sam e n ig h t. H e stum bled over tw o prostrate shadow y form s and sp en t the. n e x t fo r tn ig h t a broken and d isillusioned m an in th e hosp ita l m ed ita tin g on his sins.

— V .H .

HOMEWARD) BOUND! 19

AM EPISODE OF THE STARBOARD DECK.

w pr E n eed n ’t say w h a t th e B others were. M others can ’t be m others o f n oth in g. T hey breed trouble. Som eone in som e ad m in istrative office had decided th a t

th e B oth ers should be w ith us— u nrestra in ed and unconfined, and before our good ship had been s team ing tw en ty -fou r hours th e im ps had tak en charge of i t . T hey squeaked and sq uea led 3 th ey yelled and swore— th ey sto le and cheated horrib ly, bu t th ey upheld th eir in fa n tile m orality .

Of course th e P ro test w as bound to com e.

T he P r o te st reached th e M others in b u t sem i-official form certa in ly— b ut had all tho p ink ribbon from official places been tied round it , i t would have held no terror for th em . T h e y m e t— th e y ta lk ed and th ey th reaten ed , and w h ile th e p aternal adjuncts of th e B oth ers stood by har- rassed, h elp le ss and afraid , th e starboard deck w oke up to th e fa c t th a t th e fem ale of th e species is m ore deadly th an th e m ale, as th e fo llow ing n otice p inned up on a certa in door w ill show :—

N O TICE.

T he m others o f ch ildren aboard th is sh ip are anxious to p reserve th e goodw ill and sw eet tem p er of th eir fellow travellers , esp ecia lly o f such as are sem i-detached and h ave no incum brances. They w ould p refer th a t such as wish to p lay cards all day or am use th em selves w ith other d eligh ts should do so in com fort. They w ould be g ra tefu l th erefore for any su ggestion s for d ealing w ith th e ch ildren so th a t no d iscom fort to 'any one m ay arise. V olu ntary aid in looking a fter th e ch ildren would b e acceptable.

If n eith er volunteers or su ggestion s are forthcom ing th e m others would prefer th a t a ll com plaints be m ade in fu tu re to th em personally . L et i t be rem em bered th a t no specia l provision w as m ade for ch ildren , and to g « g th e you ngsters and throw th em overboard is th e only a ltern ative to th e said children occasionally open ing th eir m ouths.

T he a v id ity w ith which th is notice w as read did credit to th e m others. They had drawn first blood and stood by w a itin g for th e n e x t m ove.

C ertain su g g estio n s for looking after th e you ngsters or for q uelling them cam e in , but even th e unbiassed w riter of th is short h istory could not call th em ingen iou s. One proposed th a t a m ale nurse should be elected daily by b allot. A n oth er drew u p a list of d uties for th e sa id M bthers’ help , w h ile a th ird in a cau stic strain inform ed th e M others of th e d ifference b etw een a troopship and a creche and ad vised a m ore severe application of th e rod to th e otherw ise spoiled ch ild .

“ Tho M others in Council desire to th an k th ose who h ave been k ind enough to m ake su ggestion s re th e ch ildren . T h e y cannot say th a t th e ideas throw n ou t a re rem arkable for th e ir brilliancy as only one of them seem s a t all practicab le, v iz .— Tho su ggestion to ap poin t a m ale nurse. L ist of d uties w ill be drawn up w hen helpers are available. One oth er n o tice dem ands a tten tio n as i t is g iven an undeserved d ign ity by its position in th e case dow nsta irs,— “S pare th e rod and spoil th e ch ild ” is th e burden of its m essage. N ow th e author of th is m axim w as Solom on, and Solom on was notorious for th ree th ings, v iz. : —

(a) H is

(b) H is m any i

(c) H is inab ility to govern his ch ildren .

H isto ry show s th a t h e m an aged h is harem much b etter th an h is nursery , b u t h e was essen tia lly a man of th eories and possessed l it t le ad m in istra tive ab ility . There is a strong susp icion th a t m inds o f th e sam e calibre are every ready to g iv e th e sam e advice. W hat w e desire is to see them practice as th ey preach.

On th e sam e n otice paren ts are unctiously inform ed th a t th is boat is a troopship and not a eheche. W e can im a g in e th a t th e p aren ts discovered th is fa c t before any on e else. T he effect of g iv in g th is inform ation to a troublesom e child w ould be in stantaneous. W e should exp ect i t to stop how ling at once on b eing inform ed of i t s m istak e. We" can hear th e in fa n t of eigh teen m onths say ing “ I ’m sorry!’’

W hether th e M others were r ig h t or n ot in Solom on responsible for h is words i t is difficult to say , but th ey tu rn ed th e enem y flank in a very n eat way. C ertain ly th e w ise m an of old showed litt le p ractica l sense in dealing w ith ch ildren . H is ow n sons w ere n ot at a ll w h at one w ould have exp ected from such a m oralising fa ther , and th e only recorded in stan ce of Solom on’s com ing to practica l grips w ith th e problem o f child m an agem en t was w hen he th re a tened to cu t one in tw o w ith a sword.

H ere th e b a ttle by n otices cam e t 0 a tim ely end. It had done its work and on ly th e p o et is le f t to sum up, b u t th e p oet is a fter all th e undiscovered leg is la tor of the w o r ld :

L e t L ie u t. D avey speak :—

D o you w onder, 0 m y babies,

W ith o u t com m ent w e g ive th e

w hen you hear their

As th ey m eet in l i t t le groups about th e decks ? C an’t you hear th em alw ays babbling, lik e th e rivei

alw ays babbling,T hat your M others ought to w ring you r l i t t le necks ?

20 HOMEWARD BOUND.

T h e y ’v e forgotten , O m y babies, th a t th ey once th em selves w ere yu nk ers,

T h a t th ey m uled and puked a dam s ig h t w orse th a n you .

T hey’ve fo rg o tten too m y babies, th a t th e young aro im ita tors—

W hen you go to R om e you do as R om ans do.

Do you w onder, 0 ;m y babies, w hen you hear th e ir childish chortles,

And th eir s illy doggerel w r it upon th e w all,W hether you ’re th e only babies, th e on ly silly babies—

For i t ’s n o t a case o f age a t all, a t all.

N oth in g rem ains b ut to say th a t th e S w astikas clinched th e efforts of a l l ' t h e peacem akers by h o ld ing a baby com p etitio n and g iv in g every en tr a n t a first prize. A m asterly stroke th is l a s t ! S till w hat w ould one e x p e c t! T he S w astik as are known otheinvise than by the sign and num ber. They a t le a st succeed in creatin g an a tm o sp h er e!

— W . B u l l o c k .

A gala day on board sh ip is alw ays looked forw ard to with p le a sa n t an ticipation . T here w as no exception to th is ru le on board th e “ B r ito n ,” and great preparations w ere m ad e to fitt in g ly ce leb rate A lexan d ra D ay. T h is proved an im m ense success. T he day w as line and everybody en tered into i t w ith th e tr u e holiday sp ir it. T his w as specially so as regard s th e lad ies— both of th e first and second saloon— w hose w hole-hearted endeavours in e x tra cting spare coins from th e m ale passengers led to th e handsom e resu lt o f £15 0 2>s— a record for any sh ip in th e U n ion C astle L ine. T h e arrangem ents w ere in th e very capable hands of th e C/O (C olonel iSom m erville) and th e popular purser (Mr W . J . F u lto n ), assisted by th e sports com m ittee and th e S w astikas— and of course, by th e ladies, too . V arious m eans w ere adopted to ex tr a c t th e n im ble sixpence. They u sually took th e form of various raffles, th e se lling o f go lliw og charm s, various gu essing com petitions, and a very effective m ock court. In th e evening, th e fin ish ing touch w as g iven to th e day’s proceedings by a fan cy d ress ball on th e first saloon deck. •

T he second saloon also h eld a. ball which was in every w ay a success. A m ong th ose particip atin g w ere: S ergeant N eedham , as “ A M a o r i/’ M iss R ogers “A n A lsa tia n ,” M rs B ishop “ Bo P e e p / ’ S ergeant L inden “ S till G oing S tr o n g / S erg e a n t H arrison “ A, M e n u ,” Mr S id . R a sey “ S w astika C h ief,” M r H . Spooner “ A L ady ,” Sergeant P en n y “ Jack of C lu bs,” M rs A nderson “ Irish C o lle e n /’ M rs M cGregor “A Scotch L a s s ie / ’ Mr Jam es “ S u lta n a ,” M r R od ney “ A J o c k e y / S erg ea n t Crookbain “ A C hef,” S ergeant S ta ffer t “ P .O . 9 9 ,” M rs D odd “ A C racker,” S erg ea n t H u tch in son “ M ephistop les,” M rs G oldsm ith “ B rita n n ia ,” M rs M ason “ A S a ilor ,” Rflm n. W ilson “ A n A rab,” Mr J . K . C. Spooner “ A T urk,” M r H . Toombs “A G olliw og,” Q .M .S . M ason “ A P a ck of C ards.”

— V .H .

Our tab le is num bered I I , a t th e head of w hich sits M ac, our redoubtab le m ess orderly; liter a lly s te w in g in h is own p ersp iration . B u t M ac in te n t upon th e one job w orthy of a soldier and a gentlem an is av id ly m in ister in g to th e w an ts of h is inner m an, gloriously, unconscious to th e inconven ien ces which his m essm ates are enduring.

T hrough th e dim blue haze one can p erceive his lower jaw w orking w ith th e precision of a r a t trap , and to w atch Him en gaged w ith a p la te or “ sh ip ’s s te w ” is a th in g of p leasure and a joy for ever.

H e sits th ere , sole m onarch of th e “ stew p o t.” H is m outh begins to open. O h! he is ab out to assum e an affable sm ile you say. N o ! g e n tle reader, you are wrong. M ac is en gaged upon more serious business, in short, M ac is about to d ine. O ne has a vision o f a huge p iece of m eat trem bling percariousiy Upon a fork w ith one prong, • it hovers over th e edge of th e yaw n ing chasm for a fraction oi a second, and then disappears w ith uncom m on celerity .

R ude cr itics are cred ited w ith h a v in g m ade th e sta te m ent th a t M ac has a str a ig h t drop like th e proverbial shark. I am prepared to con test th a t p o in t in favour ol M ac.

H a rk ! B u t w hat is th a t 'query which illic its such a blast of lurid in v e ctiv e ? I t is th a t u n fo rtu n a te ind iv idual, th e officer of th e day. H ow is th e tu ck er ? A h ! I t is only now th a t w e w ere able to study M ac a t th e zen ith of his powers. H e proceeds to em bellish h is argu m ents w ith a flow o f choice “ B illin g sg a te” not to be equalled by th e pun y efforts of h is sy m p a th etic m essm ates. The m uch m aligned officer departs h astily to another ta b le w hile M ac proceeds to w arn his m essm ates of th e p itfa lls th a t aw ait th em before th e y reach th a t “ M ecca” o f all th e D iggers, dear old N ew Z ealand.

B u t w h at is th a t low rum bling and gru m b lin g th a t is p roceed ing from th e head of th e ta b le? I t is on ly M ac; th e grow l develops in to an in a r ticu la te roar, and a husli of w earied exp ectan cy fa lls upon th e re st of th e tab les. W hen M ac m akes i t know n to all and sundry, accom panied by a horrible burst of p rofan ity , th e n a tu re o f th is p articu lar grievance. “ G ive yer th e q uiet ch at, you coves, th e b u tter ’s cr o ck !” T he r e s t of th e tab le ta c it ly agree th a t M ac’s in tim ation is a n yth in g but incorrect. H ow ever th e d isturbin g e lem en t is passed down th e tab le to undergo a search ing inspection .. T he first v ictim g lues h is nasal appendage to th e noisy m ass, on ly to w ithdraw it again h a stily , m urm urs a tend er but non-com m ital “ A ll!” and i t passes down th e tab le even to th e end thereof subjected to a h a il of criticism u ntil, h av in g reached th e end of tab le 14, i t is re legated to tho d eep w ith a la st p artin g anathem a on th e ‘‘cow" th a t could fo ist such produce upon an inn ocent and tr u stin g com m unity. S o perish all th in g s ev il, all of course ex cep t our incom parable “M ac” upon w hose w icked, hoary old head one feels inclined to w hisper a bened iction : “ P ass Quo V ad is E!st?” P ea c e be with you M ac w h ith er su ever thou g o ’st.

— D . M cG u in k s s .

Orderly Officer: “ W hat is th e num ber of your beat, sen try ?”

S en try : “ N o. 70325, s ir !”

21

WlhM migfe Lav® Happened

(B y J . L . N e t t l e t o n , 2nd L ie u ten a n t.)

T H E controversy on babies bad reached its h eigh t. L a st n ig h t five notices had been p inned on th e n otice boards dealing w ith th e subject from various p oin ts

of v iew . The E ditor of “ H om ew ard B ound” had even requested in w r it in g th a t th e au thors of th ese w ittic ism s transfer th eir en ergies t 0 m ak ing th e m agaz in e a success in stead of w astin g th e ir ab ility on th e n otice board. S olom on’s theory had been expounded and s in g le officers ap poin ted for baby fa tig u e .

T h is la s t su ggestion had appealed to everyon e, and m ore esp ecia lly to th e p aren ts of th e various children. T herefore it is n o t surprising th a t th e n e x t day a se lec t com m ittee , selec ted from th o first and second saloon passen gers, m et, presided over by th e O.O. troops, to seriously consider w h ether th e m arried officers w ith ou t ch ildren (according to ava ilab le records) and u nattach ed sing le officers cou ld n o t reasonab ly be used for th e purpose of m inding th e k ids, th ereb y p rev en tin g p art of th e com m unity from b eing annoyed w h ile engaged in th eir various p astim es. T his com m ittee alm ost unan im ou sly decided for th e sugg estion .

T his th en is how it cam e about th a t on th e fo llow ing day b ig M ac, who had before rather unw isely sty led h im self th e baby expert^ roused h im self a t 6 a .m ., and s tiflin g a yaw n excla im ed : “D — th e b ab ies!”

This ejacu la tion was m ore to be excused w hen w e know th a t h e w as, by orders of th e com m ittee deta iled for th e com ing tw en ty -fou r hours to be officer of th e babies. H e

sa t up in bed and ev id en tly in practice for w hat was to com e sm acked h im self on th e leg ' and ex c la im ed :

“ Sh! S h i S h ! Y ou n au gh ty ch ild , sh u t up or I ’ll throw you overboard!”

H av in g fin ished th is som ew hat hurried prelim inary for his dav’s work he proceeded to dress before reporting , according to th e com m ittee’s overn igh t in structions, to th e chief-m other-on-board. A rriv ing a t her cabin M ac knocked d iscreetly and was to ld to en ter. H e did so but n o t before he had k nocked h is head on th e top of the cabin and had again le t h is feelings express th em selves in another h onest d a m n ! This curse u nfortu nately for him aw oke th e husband of th e ch ief-m other-on-board, who, being a cap ta in , adm inistered a w arning to th is now sorry looking and dejected officer about nursem aids being p articu lar in th e choosing of th eir lan gu age in front of you ngsters. M ac’s m um bling reply about h is “n o t know ing about nursem aids but officers” w as cu t sh o rt by an ex p lic it order to “ sh u t up, I w ant to s leep .”

H a v in g received all necessary instructions for the day, we now see M ac th o u g h tfu lly b ending over th e bath h old ing an in fa n t, aged six m onths, in his arm s vain ly w ondering w hether sa lt or fresh w ater w as th e correct solution in which to dip babies of th a t tender age. A fter carefu l consideration he laid th o in fa n t on th e floor and ex tra ctin g a coin from his p o ck et tossed i t in th e air. A lready in h is m ind he had determ ined th a t in th e ev e n t of heads tu rn ing up he should use salt, w ater, w h ile if th e a ltern ative happened th e baby should be b athed in fresh. A las, contrary to his usual luck w hen sp inn ing heads' appeared , and babies th a t m ornin g vied w ith young sharks in th eir d elig h ted efforts to sport in th e briny. In th is operation h ow ever, our n ew ly appoin ted nurse was, fa irly successful. O nly once did lie fo r g et to rem ove baby from th e b ath before p u llin g ou t th e p lug , consequently M ac turned round ju st in tim e to e x tr a c t a you ngster’s leg from the hole. A t th e ch ildren’s b reak fast tim e, M ac d ispensed a ltogether w ith th e m enu as being to ta lly unsu ited for th e purpose. F or one th in g he was rather vagu e h im self as to th e ex a ct in g r ed ien ts th a t com posed “ om lettes au S a u t i.” In p lace h e ordered boiled rice to be brought on th e principle of th e survival of th e fittest, ga th ered th e y ou ngsters round h im in 'a clean space, tossed th e co n te n ts of th e d ish in to the air and d eligh ted to see th e efforts of th e you ngsters tu gain a m ajor portion . T he k id s th em selves vow th e y ’ve never had such fun or ever enjoyed th eir b reak fast so m uch. I t is w ith the u tm ost difficulty th a t paren ts now can persuade their offspi’in g to e a t respectab ly a t m eals.

A ll th e m orning on th e port side of th e m ain deck M ac am used th ese kids. This p a rt of th e d eck w as en tire ly g iv en up to them,- and passengers for th a t day p layed bridge undisturbed by frantic shrieks of ch ildren figh ting for possession of deck b illiard slabs. M others read peacefu lly on deck know ing th a t th eir children w ere being properly looked after by a baby exp er t. F a th ers s itt in g w ith th eir b etter halves dozed and dream t th a t once again th ev were free from th e b lessings of children . Couples pacing th e deck- now had n o n eed to keep h a lf an eye under every deck chair for th e sudden appearance of som e ju ven ile form and could con centra te w ith -su ccess upon th eir p artn er’s top ic of conversation. Old M ick p u t up and undid th e aw n ing w ith a sm ile of con ten tm en t on his sun bronzed face. T h e deck stew ard , stru g g lin g under th e burden of for ty lem on squashes, sp ilt none. H is w ay was clear.

22 HOMEWARD ROUP©.

M ac h av in g cou n ted h is w ards for th e fifteen th tim e reported “ all co rrect.” T hings w ere g o in g w ith a sw ing and th e schem e w as w orking w ith a success th a t even th e m ost fed-up bridge p layer h ad n o t dared to h ope for. E v ery th in g , as M ac said, w as jak e. H e had by th is tim e only to keep them am used for another hour, feed them a ga in , and p u t them to bed; and h is1 work for th e day) w as over. N o t quite,, of course, because in th e ev e n t o f one w ak ing d ur in g the n ig h t, M ac, so i t w as laid dow n, m u st “ hush” i t to sleep again . S till th a t was only a d eta il. The hour even w as n early up, and M ac, preparatory to fa llin g them in to m arch up to th e prom enade deck to kiss th eir p aren ts good -n ght before g o in g below, counted th em again . D isaster! ! ! N o. 16 was m issing . N ow , N o. 1G, M ac saw by re ferrin g to h is list of descriptions— lie had rem em bered and cata logu ed them earlier in th e day for sa fe ty— w as a rather und iscip lin ed boy of about four. H e had tw ice before refused to keep s till w h ile being counted and w as in M ac’s black books. “ W here was he now,?” th e shepherd asked him self. Surely n ot fa llen th rough th e hole a t th e other end of th e deck of w hich he had so earnestly w arned them n ot to go w ith in a yard. Who did it belong to , and how w as h e to exp la in to w hoever i t d id? N o ! h is list told him th ere w ere no orphans on board. W ould to goodness th e m issing one had been. I t would n ot h ave been m ore serious than b eing shy of a couple of D iggers w hen leav in g Colon th en . B u t th e k id was owned, ’praps wanted' even , by its ow ners. W h at a pred icam ent! H e had farm ed sheep and lost th e m ; lost m en by fa tig u es to th e line, but never before did he rem em ber losing a baby! S hou ld he report th e loss or endeavour to hush i t u p? D id it rea lly m atter one out o f th ir ty or so? I t cou ldn’t. M ao w as p ractica l, and a m illion lives had been lo st in four years. S urely lia lf- a-one m ore^-w ell th ey shouldn’t have p u t h im on it, i t was absurd— th e w hole th ing was—lie couldn’t 'h e lp i t anyw ay.

“ H ere, th is yo u rs? ”

A stew ard b earing a black lum p of h um anity cam e along. M a c’s h ea rt l e a p t ! I t m igh t be . . . H e turned th e label on th e ch ild ’s soot black back, and w ith difficulty read th e num ber 1G on it .

W ith out any m ore difficu lty, M ac marched h is ch ildren to th eir respective p aren ts . A ll were so w illin g to go to bed w ith th eir new n urse, th a t th e p aren ts w ondered w h at hold th is b ig raw -boned m an had over children. N o m others th a t n ig h t w ere d isturbed w hen dressing for d inner by baby’s squalls. M ac had th em a l