Screenplay

INT KITCHEN

A MAN, "Fat Bob" is standing in a kitchen eating something.

He is presumably a loser, overwheight, and giving off a

dull, lifeless energy. he is only visible from the neck down

and his large stomach protrudes from his sweaty, white Power

Rangers tee shirt which is covered in the old remains of

food.

The man leaves the kitchen and a door shuts behind him. A

deep silence blankets the kitchen. Slowly, a cabinet drawer

opens revealing the head of a SPOON.

The Spoon is a diligent, funny, hardworking plebian.He gives

a signal by knocking his head up and down against the

drawer. then he stands tall and straight and lets out an

extended yodel that pierces the silence, getting the entire

kitchen into a frenzied, vibrant state as it springs to

life.

The DISHWASHER, the strong, jovial, kind-hearted protagonist

begins speaking to the OVEN, the dishwasher’s counterpart.

The oven is righteous yet stern. Though he has a soft spot,

he exhibits a fiery posterior and has a grizly, hardened,

deep voice. Both characters speak in an African American

inner-city dialect.

DISHWASHER

Hey, hows it goin?

OVEN

Everything’s good over here.

DISHWASHER

Huh, I would’ve thought you’d have

gotten sick of being the stove’s

bitch by now. You are like right

under her ass bro.

OVEN

oh c’mon man she’s not that bad.

DISHWASHER

Dude, she’s a relic of the early

sixties. She’s practically reached

grandma status.

OVEN

Ya know what, that bitch is mad

ugly. And she be gettin all

carnivorous with me a bit to

frequently.I have to put up with

that shit and you only hear me

2.

OVENcomplain rarely. But i will tell

you what,I got some of those

dumb-ass spoons to smuggle me the

latest issue of the Bed Bath and

Beyond catalog from Fat Bob and

that new line of toaster ovens is

crackalakin. Like i saw this white

one and I’m just like "ohhhhh

shee-yut girllll."

DISHWASHER

Yo keep dreamin fool. You’re gonna

be stuck with that geriatric peice

of ass for a long-ass time.

OVEN

Hey man, at least I don’t have a

bunch of perverted forks and knives

doin the jingle jangle all up

inside of me.

DISHWASHER

Nah, they’re just having some fun.

I love those guys.

OVEN

Yeah well I prefer a higher class

of kitchen appliance. When my life

in this realm ends i dream of being

reincartned as large, luscious bed

of bounty.

DISHWASHER

Yeah, but mostly you just want

those humans fucking ontop of you,

you hood rat.

A knocking is heard eminating from the dishwasher’s inside

and he opens up revealing a bunch of crazed forks and

knives, plates and cups.

KNIFE

(To spoon with NYC accent

accent)

Hiya how-ya doin sweatheart?

Female FORK walks up, swaying from side her sassy "hips"

side to side.

FORK

Not bad cupcake.

She walks by swaying her hips.

3.

FORK

(To another fork)

I can’t wait to get it in that

girl’s grooves.

FORK 2

Hell yeah, son.

CUPS emerge as do the PLATES and they all begin talking in a

jovial manner. They gaze up at the PHONE who is a total suck

up piece of shit.

CUP

Oh my God look at that little anus

sucking piece of shit.

PLATE

I’m gonna serve up one meal to him

that he’s never had on his

plate...a nuckle sandwhich!

CUP

That corny attempt at a joke just

epitomized the meaning of my life

brother man.

The cup and plate exchange The Marines salutes.

CUP

(in unison with plate)

Hoo-AH!

PLATE

Hoo-AH!

PLATE

Hey phone, you’re just a Gigilo!

The phoene pears down from a top the Refridgerator where it

stands perched. It looks down. clearly offended.

PHONE

Fellate my antena you low class

kitchen-ware, you feeble plebians

of wrethed monarchy oh boo hoo,

take a shit and wear it as a hat.

CUP

Dude, we are the motherfucking

carriers of solid and liquid

sustience. Be gracious you ugly

plastic man.

4.

PHONE

I swear to go that i will end you.

just one word to my boss and you

guys are toast in the toaster,

buddy. And you better believe it

buddy ol boy ol chap.

Suddenly all the loud background noise of clincking utensils

and boisterous chatter dies down completely though the plate

doesn’t notice. He talks louder than he needs to.

PLATE

Your boss is a friggin pussy bitch.

The FRIDGE emerges and everyone cowers, clearly showing that

he was the reason for the abrubt quietness. He is one mean

motherfucker and he has a booming voice.

FRIDGE

SILENCE!! You guys are all

pathetic. You have one simple job

to do and you can’t even do it. One

damn job and you can’t fuckin do it

because you’re losers. All of you

are a bunch of lily losers. Hey

dishwashers, you think you’re so

important because you hold all the

other appliances and you use a

significant supply electricity?

don’t forget that you and your

little faggot friend the oven over

here are used on only an as-needed

basis. So really, I am the covetted

prize and you are the

inconsequential fly in my pie. And

talking about the oven, who the

hell uses you now? Fat Bob too fat

to wait on on you. He need his food

hot, he need his food fast, he need

his food with a hyper-super-sonic

sensation of radiation.Fat Boy slim

doesn’t need you anymore boy, he

can nuke his food now.

The the Dishwasher and oven look visibly offended and

embarrased.

FRIDGE

Knives, forks, spoons: drawers now!

A hord of 20 or so forks,spoons,and knives run to the

drawers up the dishwasher and climbing up a cloth dish

towel.

5.

FRIDGE

What, plates and spoons, do you

think you’re special or something?

PLATE

Ehh, no-of course...

FRIDGE

I don’t want your bullshit

excuses. Get your skinny edged

asses up in that cabinet now!

The two of them go up in defeat.

FRIDGE

Sponges, I expect this entire area

to be cleaned up immediately. I

don’t want that fat human’s filth

to intrude upon my domain. I want

every crack, every crevice, every

corner, every cubic inch to be

stripped bare of all grotesque

remmnants of that man irrevocably.

The sponges begin ozzing soapsuds and sliding around the

floor in intricate interlocking curving paterns.

FRIDGE

You mutherfuckers are going to

work, I will see to it.

INT. KITCHEN DAY TWO WEEKS LATER

The kitchen, pristine just momemsnts ago is now slovenly. We

see a sink filled to the gills with dirty plates. All is

still and tranquil. The fridge breaks the silence.

FRIDGE

Slobs! You are a disgrace to the

linoleum you stand on! Get your

asses into that dishwasher now, all

of you!

The plates and a handful of dishes begin sliding down a

dishtowel to get to the dishwasher where they are deposited.

Only one red plastic solo cup remains, standing out as a

lone occupant of the sink.

FRIDGE

You insolent little prick. Get the

hell in there.

6.

SOLO CUP

But please sir, I’m just a

disposable cup I need to washed by

hand.

FRIDGE

I could kill you.

SOLO CUP

Please, if you’d just understand

that i made of unnfathomably cheap

materials. My only purpose in life

is to conceal alcholoic beverages.

I have nothing except my small,

meanial existence. Please spare me.

FRIDGE

You little douchebag, get the hell

in the dishwasher or I will force

you in.

The solo cup looks deflated and trudges into the dishwasher.

INT. KITCHEN NIGHT

The Dishwasher buzzes and pops open, releasing large clouds

of steam and smoke. A hush descends upon the kitchen as the

haze clears and disaster is revealed.

The partially melted and deformed Red Cup is squirming in

it’s rack while making pitiful wounded noises. It slowly

begins to drip out of the Dishwasher and onto the linoleum

floor, hitting it with a sickening splat.

FRIDGE

do you see wha you get when you

fuck with the head honcho? you are

a worthless scrap, a utility player

on a team of allstars. We are the

perrenial players year after who

will recieve the lavishes we

deserve and you and yours will

never get anything you desire. And

guess what? I could give a flying

fart.

The cup tries deperately to move from the floor but it’s

stuck. It continues to project an agonized sound of

distress.

7.

FRIDGE

spatula, get down her and scrape

this worthless, melted mound from

my floor to the garbage. A loser

like this does not desrve a proper

funeral or a mounring period.

anyone caught grieving or tring to

burry him will be severly punished.

Let this cup’s demise be your first

and only warning of my seriousness.

The interior of the Dishwasher is dark and dripping with

moisture. The vague outlines of Utensils and dishes can

barely be seen. The soft voice of the SERVING PLATTER cuts

through the dark. Other voices gradually join it in

expressing extreme dissatisfaction towards the Fridge. The

conversation continues until a universal consensus is

reached: the Dishwasher must talk to the Fridge for the hope

of a better life.

SERVING PLATTER

This is a sad day indeed and I

believe I speak for most of us when

i say that I am dissastisfied with

way the Fridge is running things.

CUP

This was an injustice of the

highest degree. That Solo cup was

my third cousin twice removed on my

mother’s side. He was a descendent

of the two most hated and

discrimated against groups in the

world: he was half plastic, half

jewish.

PLATE

We will miss him dearly, but what

will be done about the tyrinical

reign casting a shadow of opression

over our plate.

SERVING PLATTER

We must act swiftly but I don’t

know what i could possibly do. He

would never listen to a low class

plate like me.

CUP

Ok, then we’ll have the dishwasher

talk to him. He is the most

respected memember of our community

and I know he’ll support us.

8.

Spoon nocks his head aganst the back of the dishwasher.

DISHWASHER

Hey guys whats up?

CUP

We’re going to need you to have a

little talking with the Fridge.

That recent death was very

uosetting to a great deal of us and

we need to make sure he indurstand

oiur displeasure and discontent

with the current situation.