Parental Alienation Syndrome

Rajiv DabhadkarRajiv Dabhadkar 11

The Parental Alienation The Parental Alienation SyndromeSyndrome

(P.A.S)(P.A.S)………….a burden that a child is forced to bear.a burden that a child is forced to bear

when one parent fails to recognize their child's when one parent fails to recognize their child's strong needstrong need

to love and be loved by the alienated parent. to love and be loved by the alienated parent.

The HRC, Mumbai June 12th, 2008


it robs children of the security provided by the it robs children of the security provided by the

bond they once shared with the targeted parentbond they once shared with the targeted parent it embeds in children’s minds falsehoods about it embeds in children’s minds falsehoods about

the targeted parent that are injurious to their own the targeted parent that are injurious to their own psyche and their sense of self (i.e., "Mom/Dad psyche and their sense of self (i.e., "Mom/Dad never really loved you"; "Mom/Dad is dangerous"; never really loved you"; "Mom/Dad is dangerous"; "Mom/Dad has done inappropriate things to "Mom/Dad has done inappropriate things to you").you").

the process of aligning children against the the process of aligning children against the targeted parent often involves threats, lies, targeted parent often involves threats, lies, manipulations, deprivation and even physical manipulations, deprivation and even physical abuse abuse

It is about loss, insecurity, fear, confusion, sadness, hopelessness and despair.

Parental Alienation SyndromeParental Alienation Syndrome


The Alienating Process – The Alienating Process –

feeling betrayed or rejected by the targeted parent revenge, jealousy, fear, feeling betrayed or rejected by the targeted parent revenge, jealousy, fear, insecurity, anger, money, using the children as pawns to get a better insecurity, anger, money, using the children as pawns to get a better divorce settlementdivorce settlement

Badmouthing the rejected parent, such asBadmouthing the rejected parent, such as Speaking negatively about a parent to, or in front of, the child.Speaking negatively about a parent to, or in front of, the child. Inaccurately or untruthfully telling the child about the rejected parent, or Inaccurately or untruthfully telling the child about the rejected parent, or

suggesting they are unsafe or dangerous.suggesting they are unsafe or dangerous. Exaggerating minor flaws in the rejected parent.Exaggerating minor flaws in the rejected parent. Inappropriately confiding adult information with the child.Inappropriately confiding adult information with the child. Interfering in a child’s contact with a rejected parent, such asInterfering in a child’s contact with a rejected parent, such as Throwing Throwing

out gifts and letters from the rejected parent.out gifts and letters from the rejected parent. Calling excessively during time with the rejected parent.Calling excessively during time with the rejected parent. Early pickups or late drop offs for time with the rejected parent.Early pickups or late drop offs for time with the rejected parent. Forbidding any reference to, or photos of the rejected parent.Forbidding any reference to, or photos of the rejected parent. Scheduling activities that compete with time with the rejected parent.Scheduling activities that compete with time with the rejected parent. Monitoring or forbidding communication or time with the rejected parent.Monitoring or forbidding communication or time with the rejected parent.



The Alienating Process : The Alienating Process :

alienating parent speaks badly or demeans the targeted parent directly to the alienating parent speaks badly or demeans the targeted parent directly to the childrenchildren

the disparaging comments made by the alienating parent to their children about the the disparaging comments made by the alienating parent to their children about the targeted parent can be implicit ("I am not sure I will be able to afford to send you to targeted parent can be implicit ("I am not sure I will be able to afford to send you to camp because "Mom" or "Dad" does not realize how much you enjoy it") or explicit camp because "Mom" or "Dad" does not realize how much you enjoy it") or explicit ("Mom/Dad" left us because he/she never cared enough about you to keep our family ("Mom/Dad" left us because he/she never cared enough about you to keep our family together"). together").

The alienating parent speaks badly or demeans the targeted parent to others in the The alienating parent speaks badly or demeans the targeted parent to others in the presence (or within audible distance) of the children.presence (or within audible distance) of the children.

The alienating parent discusses with the children the circumstances under which the The alienating parent discusses with the children the circumstances under which the marriage broke down and blames the targeted parent for its failure.marriage broke down and blames the targeted parent for its failure.

The alienating parent exposes the children to the details of the parents' ongoing The alienating parent exposes the children to the details of the parents' ongoing conflict, financial problems and legal proceedings.conflict, financial problems and legal proceedings.

The alienating parent blames the targeted parent for changes in life style, any The alienating parent blames the targeted parent for changes in life style, any current hardships; his/her negative emotional state and inability to function as before current hardships; his/her negative emotional state and inability to function as before and conveys this to the children.and conveys this to the children.

Allegations of sexual, physical and emotional abuse of children are often made.Allegations of sexual, physical and emotional abuse of children are often made. Alienated children come to know that in order to please the alienating parent, they Alienated children come to know that in order to please the alienating parent, they

must turn against the targeted parent.must turn against the targeted parent.



Alienating Process With the Children – Manipulating a child to reject a parent, such as Manipulating a child to reject a parent, such as Withdrawing love, inducing guilt for having fun or feeling love toward a Withdrawing love, inducing guilt for having fun or feeling love toward a rejected parent.rejected parent.Undermining child’s relationship with the rejected parent, such asUndermining child’s relationship with the rejected parent, such as Asking the child to spy on or keep secrets from the rejected parent.Asking the child to spy on or keep secrets from the rejected parent. Forcing the child to choose between parents.Forcing the child to choose between parents. Creating conflict between the child and the rejected parent.Creating conflict between the child and the rejected parent. Interrogating the child after time with a rejected parent.Interrogating the child after time with a rejected parent. Providing the child with inappropriate information about finances, marriage or divorce Providing the child with inappropriate information about finances, marriage or divorce

issues.issues. Accusing the rejected parent of causing emotional pain to the favoured parent that the Accusing the rejected parent of causing emotional pain to the favoured parent that the

child shouldchild should help to heal.help to heal. Giving the child parental decision making authority, ie whether to visit with the rejected Giving the child parental decision making authority, ie whether to visit with the rejected

parent.parent.Undermining the rejected parent’s role in the child’s life, such asUndermining the rejected parent’s role in the child’s life, such asRefusing to provide the child’s information (medical, educational, etc.), to the rejected parent.Refusing to provide the child’s information (medical, educational, etc.), to the rejected parent. Not inviting/informing the rejected parent of important events. (awards, honors, Not inviting/informing the rejected parent of important events. (awards, honors,

graduations, etc)graduations, etc) Refusing to provide others with the rejected parent’s contact information.Refusing to provide others with the rejected parent’s contact information. Rewriting history to reduce a rejected parent’s role in the child’s lifeRewriting history to reduce a rejected parent’s role in the child’s life



A CHILD’S REACTIONS –

Express relentless, unambiguous hatred toward the rejected parent and their side of the family.

Obsessively parrots the favoured parent without regard for their own historical experiences.

Refuse to spend time, visit, or communicate with the rejected parent. Hold negative beliefs about the rejected parent that are inconsequential,

exaggerated, or unfounded in reality May lack the capacity to feel guilty about inconsiderate or cruel behaviours

toward the rejected parent, or to forgive any past conflicts.

The child feels the need to protect a parent who is depressed, anxious, or needy.

The child wants to avoid the anger or rejection of the alienating parent. The child has unresolved feelings about the rejected parent and the

divorce.



Consequences – Consequences – Have trouble trusting others Have low self-esteem Have difficulty in sustaining intimate relationships Experience shame for hurting the rejected parent Suffer from depression Engage in substance abuse to relieve the pain of parental

alienation Are more likely to experience divorce Are more likely to have difficulty with authority and the law Experience the loss of their own children through parental alienation



The Politics of Parental Alienation The Politics of Parental Alienation SyndromeSyndrome

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (Version IV) or of Mental Disorders (Version IV) or the DSM-IVthe DSM-IV



The Consequences of Parental Alienation SyndromeThe Consequences of Parental Alienation Syndrome

Children who are exposed to the ongoing conflict and hostility of their parents suffer Children who are exposed to the ongoing conflict and hostility of their parents suffer tremendously. tremendously.

The guilt they experience when their parents' first separate, is exacerbated by the The guilt they experience when their parents' first separate, is exacerbated by the added stress of being made to feel that their love and attachment for one parent is added stress of being made to feel that their love and attachment for one parent is contingent on their abandoning the other. contingent on their abandoning the other.

Although children are powerless to end the struggle between their parents', they Although children are powerless to end the struggle between their parents', they come to believe that if they turn against one in favor of the other, the unhappiness come to believe that if they turn against one in favor of the other, the unhappiness they experience on an ongoing basis will also end. they experience on an ongoing basis will also end.

And if the alienating process is at all successful, its long term consequences for And if the alienating process is at all successful, its long term consequences for children victimized by it may be even more profound. children victimized by it may be even more profound.

The main concerns rest in their ability to form healthy and lasting intimate The main concerns rest in their ability to form healthy and lasting intimate relationships with others as well as how it may negatively influence their self esteem, relationships with others as well as how it may negatively influence their self esteem, self concept and general outlook toward life in general. self concept and general outlook toward life in general.

Have trouble trusting others & suffer from low self-esteemHave trouble trusting others & suffer from low self-esteem Have difficulty in sustaining intimate relationships for experiencing shame for hurting Have difficulty in sustaining intimate relationships for experiencing shame for hurting

the rejected parentthe rejected parent Suffer from depression, & Engage in substance abuse to relieve the pain of parental Suffer from depression, & Engage in substance abuse to relieve the pain of parental

alienationalienation Are more likely to experience divorce, Are more likely to have difficulty with authority Are more likely to experience divorce, Are more likely to have difficulty with authority

and the lawand the law Experience the loss of their own children through parental alienationExperience the loss of their own children through parental alienation



Things That DO NOT WORK -Things That DO NOT WORK -

WAITING WAITING - That means waiting for things to get better, waiting for the alienating - That means waiting for things to get better, waiting for the alienating parent to get over his or her upset or to become more reasonable, or waiting for the parent to get over his or her upset or to become more reasonable, or waiting for the children to come around on their own.children to come around on their own.

NEGOTIATINGNEGOTIATING - Alienating parents are not interested in negotiating because they - Alienating parents are not interested in negotiating because they will not consider anything that deviates from their own agenda.will not consider anything that deviates from their own agenda.

MEDIATIONMEDIATION - The process of mediation can only work if the parties involved enter - The process of mediation can only work if the parties involved enter into the process in good faith and with the purpose of finding a mutually agreeable into the process in good faith and with the purpose of finding a mutually agreeable solution based on compromise. The alienating parent is not interested in compromise solution based on compromise. The alienating parent is not interested in compromise anymore than he or she is interested in negotiations.anymore than he or she is interested in negotiations.

ATTEMPTS TO REASON WITH THE ALIENATING PARENTATTEMPTS TO REASON WITH THE ALIENATING PARENT - Many targeted parents - Many targeted parents invest tremendous energy and time in attempts to convince the alienating parent invest tremendous energy and time in attempts to convince the alienating parent that what they are doing is harmful and unfair to the children and themselves. This is that what they are doing is harmful and unfair to the children and themselves. This is a complete waste and in most cases, it actually makes things worse because it a complete waste and in most cases, it actually makes things worse because it provides more opportunities to create conflict.provides more opportunities to create conflict.

ATTEMPTS TO APPEASE THE ALIENATING PARENTATTEMPTS TO APPEASE THE ALIENATING PARENT - This can never happen since - This can never happen since the alienating parent is driven by a desire to destroy the targeted parent. the alienating parent is driven by a desire to destroy the targeted parent.



Things That May HELP ALLEVIATE The Effects -Things That May HELP ALLEVIATE The Effects - MAINTAIN CLEAR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES - MAINTAIN CLEAR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES - This will help protect against the This will help protect against the

influences of the alienating parent.influences of the alienating parent. FOCUS ON ALTERING ONE'S OWN BEHAVIOR AND NOT THAT OF THE ALIENATING PARENT FOCUS ON ALTERING ONE'S OWN BEHAVIOR AND NOT THAT OF THE ALIENATING PARENT

-- When the targeted parent makes small changes such as not accepting phone calls from the When the targeted parent makes small changes such as not accepting phone calls from the alienating parent, that in itself may help mediate some of their negatives influences.alienating parent, that in itself may help mediate some of their negatives influences.

STOP FEELING INTIMIDATED BY THE ALIENATING PARENT - STOP FEELING INTIMIDATED BY THE ALIENATING PARENT - The alienating parent gets their The alienating parent gets their power from frightening, threatening and intimidating the targeted parent.power from frightening, threatening and intimidating the targeted parent.

BECOME PROACTIVE RATHER THAN REACTIVE TO THE ALIENATING PARENT'S BEHAVIOR -BECOME PROACTIVE RATHER THAN REACTIVE TO THE ALIENATING PARENT'S BEHAVIOR - Many targeted parents invest tremendous energy and time in attempts to convince the alienating Many targeted parents invest tremendous energy and time in attempts to convince the alienating parent that what they are doing is harmful and unfair to the children and themselves. This is a parent that what they are doing is harmful and unfair to the children and themselves. This is a complete waste and in most cases, it actually makes things worse because it provides more complete waste and in most cases, it actually makes things worse because it provides more opportunities to create conflict.opportunities to create conflict.

KEEP BEING A PARENT -KEEP BEING A PARENT - Do not succumb to pressures to overlook children's poor or inappropriate Do not succumb to pressures to overlook children's poor or inappropriate behavior. Be loving, consistent and firm in your expectations of your children. behavior. Be loving, consistent and firm in your expectations of your children.

FOCUS ON YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR AND NOT THAT OF THE ALIENATING PARENT -FOCUS ON YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR AND NOT THAT OF THE ALIENATING PARENT - By making By making changes in how you respond or react to the alienating parent, this in turn will have a direct impact changes in how you respond or react to the alienating parent, this in turn will have a direct impact on the alienating parent. For example, if you limit contact with the alienating parent and reframe on the alienating parent. For example, if you limit contact with the alienating parent and reframe from responding to threats and criticisms, this will limit the power the alienating parent will have. from responding to threats and criticisms, this will limit the power the alienating parent will have.



Existence & Context – Existence & Context –

PAS occurs in context with divorcePAS occurs in context with divorceRights of children are seldom thoughtRights of children are seldom thoughtCorruption occurs in all levels within Corruption occurs in all levels within

the family courts the family courts



WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOUR CHILD IS BEING ALIENATED?WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOUR CHILD IS BEING ALIENATED?Do not argue or get defensive with your child, it creates bad Do not argue or get defensive with your child, it creates bad

feelings and is not likely to change his/her mind.feelings and is not likely to change his/her mind.Let your child know that you have a different understanding of Let your child know that you have a different understanding of

the situation and you would be willing to share your the situation and you would be willing to share your perspective if and when the child is interested.perspective if and when the child is interested.

Continue, in any possible way, to let the child know that he/she Continue, in any possible way, to let the child know that he/she is loved.is loved.

Control your own anger and stay calm, even when hurt or Control your own anger and stay calm, even when hurt or frustrated.frustrated.

Hold yourself to the highest possible standard of behaviour (do Hold yourself to the highest possible standard of behaviour (do not give the alienating parent ammunition).not give the alienating parent ammunition).

Work on improving your own parenting skills.Work on improving your own parenting skills.Always call/pick up the child at scheduled times, and be there Always call/pick up the child at scheduled times, and be there

even if you know the child won't be available.even if you know the child won't be available.Create positive experiences/memories with your child.Create positive experiences/memories with your child.Provide mental health treatment for yourself and your child with Provide mental health treatment for yourself and your child with

professionals experienced with parental alienation.professionals experienced with parental alienation.Build a support network with friends, family, community Build a support network with friends, family, community

resources, and support groups.resources, and support groups.Become educated and help others involved with your child to Become educated and help others involved with your child to

learn more about parental alienation.learn more about parental alienation.Attempt to work constructively with the other parent, either Attempt to work constructively with the other parent, either

directly or through mediation.directly or through mediation.Continue to attempt positive communication, on a regular basis, Continue to attempt positive communication, on a regular basis,

even if the child rejects or ignores it.even if the child rejects or ignores it.



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Parental Alienation Syndrome

Health & Medicine

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