Parental Alienation

A Manifestation of Domestic Violence Through Spousal Abuse, Child Abuse and Indirect Spousal Abuse Through Involvement of The Child/Children

Canadian Domestic Violence Conference 4 June 5, 2015

Parental Alienation A Manifestation of Harassment Through Spousal Abuse, Child Abuse and Indirect Spousal Abuse

Through Involvement of The Child/Children

This presentation will examine the impact of emotional abuse on adults and children and the related trauma occasioned by high

conflict divorce. In the most damaging of these cases, the interspousal conflict is not only witnessed by the child, but the child

also gets triangulated into the interparental dispute.

 

As such, the interspousal emotional abuse has an indirect effect on the child experiencing the family trauma and loss of family

security and stability. There is, as well, at play the factor of the unbridled expression of hostility that the child cannot process.

The resulting child trauma is inevitable.

 

The child then becomes a battleground for the interspousal conflict. As the subject of a loyalty conflict the Child/Children is

inevitably forced to abandon one of the two bonded caregivers and engage in a pathological alliance with one parent against the

other.

In the course of such reprogramming, the child comes to exhibit signs of impaired critical thinking skills, loss of individuation, the

effects of unhealthily enmeshed relationships and intrusive parenting, as well as the trauma associated with being taught to hate

a formerly beloved caregiver.

 

The child is used by one parent as a tool to inflict, indirectly, trauma on the other parent.

 

The dynamic facing these conflicted families can inflict severe emotional and psychological damage on the parents and the child,

with lifelong ramifications and, in the case of the children, will likely meet the definition of child psychological abuse (suspected or

confirmed) in the DSM - 5.

 

This presentation will explain diagnostics, treatment and recommend other interventions required to deal with this systemic

problem.

THE MATHEMATICAL UNFAIRNESS OF THE MARITAL SITUATION

Hands Over The Control Into the

Marriage

A Successful Marriage requires 100%

Cooperation and Participation of

Both Parties

In other words each party puts in 100% and receives 50%, leaving 100% in the marriage for negotiation, planning and the operation of the family.

HUSBAND100 % control over his life decisions

WIFE100 % control over her life decisionsReceives 50 %

Receives 50 %

Negotiation Rights In

HUSBAND retains50 % participation

WIFE retains50 % participation

Negotiation Rights In

NORMAL / FUNCTIONAL FAMILY

Father’s Extended Family

Mother’s Extended Family

FATHER MOTHER

CHILD/CHILDREN

There is the occasional and even more or less frequent misunderstanding which can be resolved with a mutually respectful resolution or an agreement to work within the family in

spite of a stalemate.

= Mutual Respect and Admiration = Civil Social Interaction

CHILD BENEFITS:1) Receives love and nurture from main caregivers.2) Receives acceptance and admiration of main caregivers.3) Incorporates these main caregivers as well integrated internal objects.4) Child’s view of self results from the integration of these internal objects.5) Self-esteem, accurate perceptions, initiative, healthy and adaptive affect result from

healthy integration of all the above.6) Derives comfort and trust that life will be good as a result of healthy integration of all the

above.7) Believes and trusts in one’s own perceptions, develops the capacity to evaluate what

he/she is being taught, through the use of critical thinking.

DISTRIBUTION OF CONTROL WELL FUNCTIONING FAMILY

Father’s Extended Family

Mother’s Extended Family

FATHER MOTHER

CHILD/CHILDREN

Normal but limited influence of Family Of Origin. Acceptance and respect between parents. Acceptance and respect of couple for Family Of Origin. Each parent respects their boundaries as well as those of the other. Both parents respect the child/children above all. Both parents recognize the power, the needs of the child/children as well as their

responsibilities towards the child/children. Both parents accept the fact that their mutual respect and understanding supercedes that

of their dealings with each of their Families Of Origin. The power lies within the marriage partnership. THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT

CONCEPT. This is what allows them to deal with the enormous responsibility of good parenting.

= Mutual Respect and Admiration

DISCORDANT FAMILY

Father’s Extended Family

Mother’s Extended Family

FATHER MOTHER

CHILD/CHILDREN

= Mutual Respect and Admiration ---- = Beginnings of Unresolved Rancor = Beginnings of Discord

Arguments become more frequent. Arguments become more verbally aggressive. Listening to and understanding of one another disrupted. Cooperation with one another lessens. Fermenting resentment erodes respect and admiration. Actual power imbalance and bullying occurs Perceived power imbalance and feelings of victimization. Child/Children are as yet unaware. Parents still functioning as a unit, still not abusive of one another. Extended families on either side still uninvolved.

PATHOLOGICAL FUNCTIONING

FATHER’S VIEWS…

Feels victimized by

Loss of his control to

CHILD/CHILDREN

INVOLVES CHILD/CHILDREN,1) All of the strife is communicated to the Child/Children.2) Involves Child/Children in his views.3) Seeks their support.4) Imparts great power to them. 5) Imparts to them the notion that he is the victim and Mother is the one to be feared. She is the

one they need to be shielded from. 6) The child/children become parentified and thereby risk the chance of losing their childhood.

Needs to protect self from

Needs to protect Child/Children from

MOTHER

PROBLEM: All power of protest, of maintaining the capacity of critical thinking is taken away from the Child/Children.

Loses sight of Child/Children’s needs

PATHOLOGICAL FUNCTIONING

MOTHER’S VIEWS…

Feels victimized by

Loss of her control to

CHILD/CHILDREN

INVOLVES CHILD/CHILDREN,1) All of the strife is communicated to the Child/Children.2) Involves Child/Children in her views.3) Seeks their support.4) Imparts great power to them.5) Imparts to them the notion that she is the victim and Father is the one to be feared. He is the

one they need to be shielded from. 6) The child/children become parentified and thereby risk the chance of losing their childhood.

Needs to protect self from

Needs to protect Child/Children from

FATHER

PROBLEM: All power of protest, of maintaining the capacity of critical thinking is taken away from the Child/Children.

Loses sight of Child/Children’s needs

PERCEIVED VICTIM EMBARKS UPON A MISSON TO REMOVE THE PERCEIVED CONTROL/POWER FROM THE PERCEIVED

PERPETATOR

GREATEST WEAPON IS THE CHILD/CHILDREN1) Enlist the Child/Children as an ally in the psychological abuse of the perceived holder of the

control/power.2) No holds barred in this effort. No rules in love and war.3) Enlist agents and agencies:

a) Policeb) Social Servicesc) Health Care providers

i. Doctorsii. Dentistsiii. Teachersiv. Psychotherapists

d) Lawyers who will advocate their position

e) Courts who fail to acknowledge, or refuse to punish them for, their actions of psychologically abusing their child in order to pursue their own needs

Usual process of this venture:Eradicate from their own mind any memories of all the positive feelings and experiences that led to the union which produced the Child/Children.Use this same process on the Child/Children so that they first deny, then eradicate the memory of any positive experience/experiences with the other parent.Eradicate from one’s own mind the basic parenting instinct of any nurturing feelings towards, or protection of, their Child/Children from the turmoil and damage inflicted upon them.

Recommendations1) Education of Unwitting Enablers

I. Family Members- Grandparents, etc.II. TeachersIII. Medical PractitionersIV. Children’s Aid SocietiesV. LawyersVI. PoliceVII. Social Service and Protection Agencies

2) Assignment of Family Coordinator/Arbitrator for Every Custody Case

3) Equal Shared Parenting – Available Alternative

1) Assessment of the various needs of the children,2) Assessment of each of the parents as to their ability to best deal with these

needs,3) Assignment of PARENTING RESPONSIBILITIES to each of the parents to deal with

the various needs of the children,4) Should either parent opt out of their responsibilities, the ARBITRATOR will decide

upon the resulting course of action.

Dealing with the perpetrators1. Set up an educational fund for the child/ren immediately upon

separation, with the seed money to be shared equally between the parents

2. Each transgression which results in an impingement of the child/ren’s time with the other the parent to be costed by the arbitrator and deposited into the education fund.

3. Early, firm intervention with the above,4. Increasing severity of consequences with each intervention culminating

in the removal of the children from care and influence of the perpetrator/s