Paradox, Conundrums and Communication

Spirals

Relationship Puzzles

Warm Up• Think of a relationship you have in your life where you know you can talk to that

person about anything.• List 5 characteristics or traits that allows you and this person to have the open

relationship you have.

• Mother• 1. I trust her, she trusts me.• 2. She tries to be understanding no matter the situation.• 3. She genuinely listens to me.• 4. She is always honest, even if it hurts• 5. She respects me as a person.

• ( these are some of my essential expectations I have of my mother to continue to enhance the dynamic of our relationship)

Know Your Limits• Setting boundaries and voicing

expectations are crucial• A Communication Spiral occurs when,

"the actions of each person in a relationship magnify those of the other” Wilmot

Different Types of Spirals

• Negative or positive spirals can occur with any relationship whether it is family, work or dating relationships.

• Spirals can be powerful because they pick up a momentum that feeds back on itself.

Generative Spiral• An example of a generative spiral is the

teacher who searches for the positive in a student and rewards it appropriately.

• “The more genuinely the teacher relates to the student, the better the student performs; the higher the quality of his or her performance, the more positive the teacher becomes” Wilmot

Degenerative Spiral• A degenerative spiral is the mirror

images of generative spiral.• An example of a degenerative spiral is if

a person is hesitant to relate to others, he or she shuns contacts, which in turn makes it more difficult to overcome the hesitancy.

Change in Communication

• Rainman

Paradoxes and Conundrums

• Paradoxes and conundrums can be discussed in 12 two-directional pulls that people experience in their relationships.

12 Steps• 1. We want contradictory things in

relationships: freedom and closeness, openness to talk yet protection, stability and excitement.

• 2. Both insider and outsider views of relationships are fraught with error.

• 3. Relationships are problematic- if we don't do anything about their natural dynamic, they may atrophy (weaken).

• 4. Committed relationships, such as marriage, may bring us much unhappiness because we think their purpose is happiness generated.

• 5. The more intimacy and closeness we want, the more risk we face in the relationship. The greatest pleasure and pain come from those closes to us.

• 6. We often see the "self" as concrete and finable.

• 7. Self produced in relationships to others; relationship are produced from two selves.

• 8. The greatest individual, and the greatest derailment of individual growth, comes from the hurt and disappointment of relationships gone awry.

• 9. We can solve problems in relationships.

• 10. We can't fully understand our relationships without concepts, and as soon as we use an abstract notion we impose limitations on what we are seeing.

• 11. General conclusions about gender,culture, and relationships may not apply at all to your particular relationships.

• 12. Learning about relationships occurs before, during, and after the relationship is findable event.

Metacommunication

• Great way to improve your relationships

• Metacommunication (communicate about your communicating)

• Like any spiral it starts out small and gets continuously larger but there are ways to turn a degenerative spiral into a generative spiral.

• Stop doing what you’re doing, and do the opposite- Wilmot

Think about your everyday life

• How often do you let things slide to avoid confrontation?

• How many times have your parents, siblings or boyfriend/girlfriend said something that you didn’t agree with and you didn’t speak up?