PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE DEFENSIVE BEHAVIORS

(a compilation of great ideas)

Listed below are some tips on how to find peace, restore balance, control and harmony in your life while dealing with a passive-aggressiveindividual. Although my original goal was the aforementioned, what occurred is that by doing the following to take back my own life, the passive aggressive person that I had to deal with actually started being more cooperative, mature and helpful... Why?.. this will be explained along the way.. One of the reasons I have created this page is that I cannot count the number of times I have passed along this information via email so rather than continue to do so, I decided to create this page...

1. Learn the behavior... inside and out.. read the various books recommended on the site, the articles, links and of course as many of the archives that you can....... The more you understand the behavior the more you will understand how the p.a. "thinks"... By doing this you will "see" a game long before you get caught up in it and react to it...(this behavior is extremely difficult to see because of the covert and insidious nature of it) If you do not react strongly, you do not give the p.a. the emotional control, nor do you give them the opportunity to turn the tides and focus on your anger rather than on what the p.a. has or has not done. Also, learning the behavior gives you the confidence you need to confront the behavior... The p.a. relies on your self-doubt so that he/she CAN turn the focus on you.. Once you know what you are dealing with and are confident in that fact they are less able to instill the doubt and make you the wrong one and themselves the "injured" party...

2. Ignore as many of the games that you possibly can. Remember that the p.a. is doing this for a lot of reasons; attention, victimhood, revenge ( from a real or imagined slight from you). or just to show you that they do not have to do what you want them to do...If you do not react they do not get the reward they were seeking and eventually stop the behavior. When you DO have to confront them, do it in a very calm manner. Although the p.a. tries to anger you, they are afraid of strong emotions, they view them as a sign of weakness and have no respect for you .AVOID YELLING, RAISING YOUR VOICE, CRYING AT ALL COST.If you stay in control, they only can "hear" you better; and they realize that you are serious. Also, make sure that you can and will follow through with whatever you say you will do.... They will call your bluff. Let them know that it isn't personal... That it isn't a "payback" but that you cannot tolerate the offending behavior and state the consequences if they do not quit.

3. ACCEPT THE P.A. for what they are .. period... in doing this, you will find a new peace has entered your life.. You will no longer struggle with frustration, anger and resentment. Although they may have presented themselves very differently in the beginning, know this is not who they really are, and stop trying to get them back there... either by changing them or yourself... neither works... and the p.a. will thwart any attempt ....

Although I have received some grief for suggesting this.... reduce opportunity for the p.a. to play games... HOW.. by doing as much for yourself as you possibly can.... Will there be some resentment? Yes, some.. but remember that the p.a. sees you as authority.. the p.a. HATES expectations, so the more you try to extract from them the harder they dig in their heels and either not do it at all, do it slowly or mess it up... You end up angry and frustrated and the p.a. is the winner of the p.a. game.

I am not suggesting that you do THEIR work, but if it is something that affects you, then do it yourself or hire someone to do it.. otherwise all you end up with is just one more arena for the p.a. to play the game in. Remember that in this area as in most others you cannot win with them.. if you ask them to do something or participate, they act put upon, if you do it yourself or exclude them they act put out.. So make it easy on yourself and do what will make your life run more smoothly in the end..

Also, take note of the ways in which the p.a. does hurt you... you can reduce opportunity there as well by not asking them anymore... For example, if you ask them to go somewhere with you and they either always refuse or act up when they get there.. stop asking... The p.a. does eventually see that their behavior has consequences not to mention they start feeling ostracized as well.

Know that the p.a. is aware of what they are doing most of the time, however, sometimes it is knee jerk reactions and most of the time they will not understand WHY they did it.. Their behavior is so ingrained and they are so out of touch with their true feelings that it is difficult for them to know these things.

4. If you CAN, approach them in a calm, rational manner and point out that they are participating in passive-aggressive behavior... This may help.. But there again, you must do it in a way that is not attacking... Show them some articles, or point it out each time it occurs, then state that you will not participate in it with them. Eventually they will start to be aware of some of it and might think it worth looking into for themselves.

Be consistent in the above.. that is important.. At first the p.a. probably will step it up a bit because what once worked is not working any longer and they do not understand why.. this is why it is even more important that you be consistent...

As I originally stated.. I did not do all of this because I wanted the p.a. to conform, or "trick" him into "behaving"...I did it simply because I needed to find ways to eliminate the emotional control he had in my life... And this was the only way I found that worked. In the end, because I did not play the game, because he could no longer make me the bad guy, because he did not get the attention or desired result from participating in the behavior, because eventually he felt very ostracized because of it and realized that he could not control or manipulate any more by participating in it he began to cooperate more, act more mature and the games have subsided considerably...

Is he still P.A.? YES... will he still pull the rug out from under me.. if I let him.. and I let him by forgetting momentarily that he is p.a. and that he will act like I would expect a mature, responsible adult to act..In his eyes would be seen as me attempting to take advantage of him, tell him what to do or control him and he would have to do something to put himself back in the driver's seat.. i.e. act out passive-aggressively. .... For any REAL change to occur, the p.a. needs to acknowledge that he/she has a problem, and seek help.. Some may be able to achieve some progress on their own, but others may need to enter therapy... If they do, I do NOT suggest that it be couple's therapy.. The p.a. (as you are aware) has the uncanny ability to turn their problem into YOUR problem and can do this just as easily in therapy as they can in the home...

Make sure that the therapist is well aware of passive-aggressive behavior. You would not believe how many times I have been told (and experienced myself) that the therapist fell for the p.a. tricks also...

DEFUSING/COPING AND SELF-PROTECTION

This is a two-part section. A. is a list of suggestions from "Living with the P.A. Man." that individuals may want to implement in an effort to defuse the passive-aggressive behavior.

This is not a complete list, and suggest that you read the book for more detail. Also in this section are suggestions from Dr. Simon from his book, "In Sheep's

Clothing." Please refer to that book also for more detail.

Part B. are suggestions from the on-line group members on how to cope and protect oneself from the consequences of p.a. behavior.

PART A: (from "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man")

Set boundaries, confront obvious lies, unravel ambiguities. Let the p.a. know how far things can go and what is acceptable and unacceptable in how they treat you.Be clear about what you want. Communicate that you will not be treated

cavalierly or with disrespect. Be specific about what bothers you...Tone is important.so do not be vindictive or authoritarian. Do not use ultimatums you cannot enforce....

Find a balance between encouraging the p.a.(s) sense of power, independence & choice and supporting him/her when they feel weak and dependent. Remind them that they have a range of options from which to choose, do not force or tell them what to do. Give them the power of choice.

When dealing with submerged hostility, bring it into the open, convince the p.a. that it is okay to be angry. The p.a. needs help articulating what they are angry about. Do not retaliate. Do not attempt to humor the person out of anger. Use "Feelings Reports" - a description of a person's state of mind.

Confront the behavior not the character...("I feel," not "you did this.") If this person hurts you let them know. Use tactful confrontation. Be level-headed, do not use wild threats and recriminations.

Attempt to use "fair fighting." Do not let the p.a. get you off the subject. Help teach this person that they can face trouble and conflict and have both dignity and power.

To change the p.a. needs an opportunity for trust to develop...let them talk and express themselves. Don't psychoanalyze them or belittle them for not confessing enough. Don't make them feel inferior by giving them examples of how you would say something. Take the little indirect hints they provide about what they want and respond to them. Empathize with how they feel, and don't make your affection contingent on how they behave.

Do not avoid conflict by playing their game. (p.a.)

If the p.a. is being especially difficult while out socially, let them know how it affects others. Talk about the issue... If still pouting after your attempts, acknowledge their feelings but discourage the pouting. And make plans to have a social life with or without him, without any guilt from your part.

( the following is from "In Sheep's Clothing" which addresses covert-aggression - see how/why page for an explanation of the difference between p.a. and c.a.)

ACCEPT NO EXCUSES: don't buy into any of the reasons someone may offer for covertly aggressive behavior. If someone's behavior is inappropriate the rationale they offer is irrelevant. Confront inappropriate behavior directly and label it for what it is.

JUDGE ACTIONS, NOT INTENTIONS: never try to "mind-read" or second-guess why somebody is doing something. There is no way for you to really know, and in the end it's irrelevant. It is a good way to get sidetracked. Judge the behavior itself. If what a person does is harmful in some way, pay attention to and deal with that issue.

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF: Know and "own" your own agendas. Be sure of what your real needs and desires in any situation are.

SET PERSONAL LIMITS: Becoming more empowered in interpersonal interactions necessarily involves setting two kinds of limits on behavior. 1) you must decide what kinds of behavior you will tolerate. 2) you must decide what kind of action you are both willing and able to take in order to take better care of yourself.

MAKE DIRECT REQUESTS & REQUEST DIRECT RESPONSES: Be clear about what you want. Use "I" statements. Avoid generalities. Be specific about what it is you dislike, expect or want from another person. Whenever you don't get a clear, direct, to-the-point answer, ask again. Don't do it in a hostile way, but respectfully assert the issue you raised.

WHEN CONFRONTING THIS BEHAVIOR, KEEP THE WEIGHT OF RESPONSIBILITY ON THE AGGRESSOR: When confronting someone about inappropriate behavior, keep the focus on whatever they did to injure, no matter what diversionary tactics they might use to keep you off base.

WHEN YOU CONFRONT, AVOID SARCASM, HOSTILITY, & PUTDOWNS: Aggressive

personalities are always looking for excuses to go to war and they perceive "attacks" on their egos as precisely the justification they need. Attacking their character "invites" them to begin using their offensive tactics such as denial, selective inattention or blaming others.

AVOID MAKING THREATS: Making threats is always an attempt to manipulate others into changing their behavior while avoiding making assertives changes for oneself. Never threaten. Just take action. Don't counter-aggress, just do what you need to protect yourself and secure your own needs.

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF: Use "I" statements and don't pretend to speak for anyone else, i.e. the children. Have the courage to stand up for what you want openly and directly.

STAY IN THE HERE AND NOW: Focus on the issues at hand. Don't bring up past issues or speculate about the future. And, don't let the aggressor steer you away either.

MAKE REASONABLE AGREEMENTS: Make agreements that are appropriate, reliable, verifiable and enforceable.

BE PREPARED FOR CONSEQUENCES: Always remain aware of the covert-aggressor's determination to be the victor. It is important to be prepared for this, and to take appropriate action.

TAKE ACTION QUICKLY: Aggressive personalities lack internal brakes. If you are going to successfully engage them, get a word in edgewise, make an impact, then you need to act at the first sign that they are on the march. Be ready to immediately confront and respond to one of their tactics. Move quickly to remove yourself from the one-down position and establish a balance of power.

Educate yourself - knowledge is power.....

Let them know when they have said or done something hurtful, use the form:“When you.......(say or do X) "I feel..."Because:----(describe the impact of his behavior on you)

If they say something absurd - repeat it back to them, "So what you are saying is..." as many times as they say the absurd proposition. This lets you retain your

power and control....

Remember that revealing the importance of your wants/needs may only backfire on you. Don’t provide information about how badly you want something, so you can avoid sabotage from this p.a. person.

Realize they want a strong reaction from you so the focus will be off of them and on your anger ... stay calm.

When you see/feel a "game" coming on.... walk away, stop the conversation, do whatever it takes not to become involved in the game. Go for a walk, do the dishes, go grocery shopping, have always some urgent task to be done that removes you from the house. Remember that their goal is to manipulate and control you and the situation.

When it is a matter of importance, stay calm and rational, tell them what the consequences of their actions will be, stick to your guns.....

They function under intense fear....

Some of what they do is not deliberate - but most of what they do is.

Change can only occur if the p.a. recognizes that THEY have a problem andseek professional help.

DIVORCED WITH CHILDREN suggestions:

Distance yourself (physically & emotionally) as much as possible to protectyourself.....

Assume full responsibility (physically & emotionally) for the children -- rarely ask for their support.....

If support is needed, DO NOT reveal the importance of their support or they will not help. Make sure they know they have a choice and you have other options as well. (this is not a game..make sure you do have other options...)

Do not give them any opportunity to "Pull the rug out from under you." If they are on "best behavior" do NOT relax and assume this will continue... If they sense this, they WILL revert to p.a. tricks.....

If p.a. tricks extend to the children - TAKE A VERY FIRM STAND and let them know exactly what the consequences will be. DO NOT BACK DOWN.

IN ALL AREAS of your life let them know unequivocally that you will not play their games any longer.........

WHEN TO CUT YOUR LOSES

Have you set deadlines for improvement that have passed? Is this personharmful to your mental health or your ability to function? If so, consider firing himor breaking off the relationship. Cutting ties gradually or remaining friends with a passive-aggressive doesn'twork. He will reform just enough to draw you close again, then fall back into oldpatterns. Physical distance without contact is the only way to make an effectivebreak. If you are in an office situation where firing the passive-aggressive or quittingyourself isn't an option, then keep him at a distance. Don't let him interfere withyour productivity or work environment. Protect yourself and your interests.

● *Stop fixing things for him or getting caught up in the details of hisscrew-ups. Allow him to fail. Perhaps he will be fired or transferred.

● *Use daily memos to document your accomplishments. On joint projectswith him, describe in detail the allocation of responsibilities.

● *Never rely on him in a crisis. He is the person most likely to freeze orwithdraw when you need someone to act fast and wisely.

HOW TO DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE

by Scott Wetzler, PhD

A colleague disagrees with you over his role in a new project. He says nothing.. then a week later badmouths you to a major client.

You make romantic overtures to your spouse before bed. She isn't interested. Instead of responding nicely, she says, "Don't you have to get up very early tomorrow morning?"

Passive-aggressiveness is a destructive personality disorder. All of us used this behavior when we were children to rebel against authority. However,

some people never outgrow it. They sabotage marriages and/or careers-preying on spouses, children and coworkers.

Most of us occasionally lapse into passive-aggressive behavior as adults. This is especially true in situations where we have little control or have to deal with large bureaucracies or a domineering boss or spouse. We do such things as ignore orders or skirt rules because it makes us feel powerful.

Passive-Aggressiveness results from feeling powerless and fearful. As the name suggests, people with the disorder strike out passively because they want to cause you pain and are afraid to show anger.

SOME ESPECIFIC PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE STYLES

*Manipulators make uncertain commitments. They create confusion and blame others for misinterpreting the mixed messages they send.

*Promise-makers rarely follow through. They procrastinate, then artfully evade responsibility for their actions.

*Reality-twisters turn situations around so that THEY are the victims suffering YOUR anger and discontent, no matter how wrong they are.

*Sulkers regard you as overbearing and controlling if you offer useful suggestions for them to help themselves.

MANAGING A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE

*Set boundaries. Be clear about what behavior is acceptable to you. Enforce the rules, or he/she won't take you seriously.

Example: Your spouse constantly writes checks without registering them in the checkbook. Each time there is an overdraft, you have to straighten out the account at the bank. Tell him how his actions bother YOU. Say, "It's humiliating for me to fix these mistakes. I feel that you're being disrespectful to me." Then explain the consequences. Say, "I can no longer keep our checkbook alone. You will have to help."Avoid sweeping criticisms. They provoke defensive and unproductive responses. Stay specific. Keep your tone firm, but don't make him feel that you're being vindictive or authoritarian.

Beware: Passive-Aggressive people have an unerring instinct for tapping the

weak spot in your willpower, so stick to your standards of acceptable behavior.

*Maintain self-control. A passive-aggressive person needs an adversary to make him feel powerful. If you retaliate with threats and recriminations, you reinforce his behavior.

Example: You and your spouse are shopping for a new home. You want your spouse's input, but she keeps making sarcastic, evasive remarks. If you get upset and say, "Why am I wasting my time even looking with you?" then your spouse has sucked you into her behavior. She now can play the victim and say, "Can't you take a joke? Why are you jumping all over me? Buying a house is supposed to be a team effort. Why are you ruining it?" Instead of focusing on her anger, listen for feelings of fear and powerlessness. Ask yourself, "Why is my spouse being so evasive? Is she worried about the money or te move?" Confront her in nonthreatening ways. Tell her how her words make you feel. Say, "Discussing the house is important to me. When you make jokes, it upsets me - I think you're not interested. It would be helpful to me if you would talk about your thoughts on moving."Beware: Passive-aggressive people cloud issues with petty arguments. Stay focused and restate your point.Helpful: If you can't talk without overreacting, write your feelings in a note that your spouse can read in a neutral setting later.

*Make the passive-aggressive feel valued. Remind him of his strengths and the opportunities available to him.

Example: Your colleague loses out on a promotion. He responds by skipping in important meeting. Instead of allowing him to sabotage his job and your department, point out the constructive choices he can make. He could use the situation as a catalyst to get a new job with a company that better appreciates his talents, or he could continue his good performance and perhaps get a shot at another promotion.

*Get the passive-aggressive to express his anger appropriately. If he learns to express anger constructively, you both will benefit. If he does open up, avoid criticizing. This also might be a good time to suggest that he consider psychological counseling.