Overindulgence & Teaching Responsibility Facilitated by Lori Zierl Pierce County UW-Extension Family...
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Transcript of Overindulgence & Teaching Responsibility Facilitated by Lori Zierl Pierce County UW-Extension Family...
Overindulgence&
Teaching Responsibility
Facilitated by Lori ZierlPierce County UW-Extension
Family Living Agent
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What Is Overindulgence?
Giving children too much, too soon, too long
Giving things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age, interests and talents
Giving things to children to meet the adult’s needs, not the child’s needs
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What Is Overindulgence? (Continued)
Giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children
Children experience scarcity in the midst of plenty
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What Is Overindulgence? (Continued)
Overindulgence is doing or having so much of something that it does active harm or at least stagnates and deprives that person of achieving their full potential
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What Is Overindulgence? (Continued)
Overindulgence is a form of child neglect
It hinders children from doing their developmental tasks, and from learning necessary life lessons
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Are You Overindulgent?
Do you suspect that you might be overindulging your children?
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Overindulgence
Undercuts self-discipline
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Clues to Overindulgence Hinders child from learning tasks that
support development and learning
Gives disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more of the children
Benefits adult more than child
Child’s behavior potentially harm others, society, or the planet in some way
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Hazards of Overindulgence
Trouble learning delayed gratification
Trouble giving up being the center of attention
Trouble becoming competent in: Everyday skills Self-care skills Skill of relating to others
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Hazards of Overindulgence (continued)
Trouble taking personal responsibility
Trouble developing a sense of personal identity
Trouble knowing what is enough
Trouble knowing what is normal for other people
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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What is Enough?
Too Little
Enough
Abundance
Too Much
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Who Overindulged?
Both parents 43% Mom 42% Dad 11% Grandmother 4%
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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How Were Children Overindulged? 53%Having things done for child 41%Clothes 36%Privileges 35%Toys 32%Allowed to dominate family 32%Not having to learn skills that
were expected of other children
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Reasons Parents Overindulged
49% Issues stemming from the parent
18% Death of a loved one
15% Illness
10% Birth order
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Areas of Overindulgence
Too many things
Over-nurturing
Soft structure
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Too Many Things Clothes 41% Toys 35% Lessons 22% Entertainment 18% Holidays 17%
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Too Many Clothes
“I’ve got nothing to wear.”
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Too Many Toys
Children’s play is children’s work
Are today’s toys merely preparing children to become consumers?
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Too Many Activities
“Many families are over-scheduled outside the family and under-scheduled inside the family.”(The Intentional Family by William Doherty)
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Look For Balance
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What is Nurturing?
All the ways we provide for the soft needs’ love, touch, warmth, attention, support, stimulation, recognition and response
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Over-nurtured Adults Say… Parents did things for me that I
should have done myself
Parents gave me too much attention
I was allowed lots of privileges
Parents made sure I was entertained
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Too Much Over-nurturing
Nurturing becomes overindulgence when it involves doing things for children they are able to do, and should be expected to do, for themselves
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Over-nurturing
When parents over-function for a child able to function for herself, the child tends to under-function
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What is Structure? Structure is the firm side, the
“how to” of care
It’s the bones
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Overindulged Adults Say… Parents did not expect me to do
chores
Not expected to learn same skills as other children
Parent’s didn’t have rules or make me follow the
Parents gave me too much freedom
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Too Soft Structure
No rules
Not enforcing the rules
No chores
Too much freedom
Allowed to dominate the family
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Why is Soft Structure a Form of Overindulgence?
Children fail to learn important life skills
They do not learn how to set and respect boundaries
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What is Firm Structure?
Reasonable rules that are consistently enforced
Mastery of skills
Learning family values
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How to Establish Structure
Set limits, boundaries, and standards with rules
Enforce the rules with rewards for compliance and discomforting consequences for noncompliance
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What is a Rule?
“A principle or standard to which an action conforms.”
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Chores The expectation that a child will
do chores lets a child know that he is valued as a contributing member of the family
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Too Much Freedom
Scary for an inexperienced child
Expects children to handle people and situations without having learned how to do so safely or responsibly
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Good Freedom Allows children to explore or experiment
within the bounds of safety and their abilities
Allows for learning important lessons from experience
Allows for creativity without destruction
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How to Develop Responsibility in Children
Be a responsible person (role model)
Communicate expectations clearly
Allow children to be involved
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Developing Responsibility (Continued)
Offer encouragement, love, and attention
Let children know you believe in them
Present task in a way that fits your child’s learning styles
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Developing Responsibility (Continued)
Responsibility should be age appropriate
Allow for consequences
Children should not be given an allowance for chores
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Developing Responsibility (Continued)
Allow for mistakes and imperfections
Set limits and give fewer choices if a child repeatedly fails to fulfill his responsibilities
Don’t set your child up to rebel
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Remember… Resist redoing a task done by a
child
Divide a task into smaller parts to help a child get it done
Parents can encourage a child to do chores by expressing appreciation and encouragement
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Resources
How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful ChildrenClarke, Dawson, & Bredehoft, 2004
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Resources When Is Enough, Enough?: What
You Can Do If You Never Feel Satisfied.Meyerson and Ashner, 1996
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent ChildJohn Gottman, 1997
Growing Up Again, Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children.Clarke and Dawson, 1998
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Lori Zierl, Family Living Agent
UW-Extension Pierce CountyPierce County Office Building
412 West Kinne Street, P.O. Box 69Ellsworth, WI 54011-0069
715-273-6781
University of Wisconsin-Extension, U.S. Dept. of Agriculture and Wisconsin counties cooperating. UW-Extension provides equalopportunities in employment and programming, including Title IX
andADA.