Overcoming Shame

Overcoming ShameBy Nilesh Mandlecha

(Psychologist & MBA in Human Resource Development)

Examples of ShameMobile lost - video of sex with wife got viral on social media - suicide

CA Pass declared in paper but actually failed

Divorce or Separation Loud fights between families

Extra Marital Relationship revealed

Cloths you put or your partner putting

Not taking care of parent Jailed

Fired from Job Failed in Exam

Living in areas which surrounded by hut

Psychiatric Problem

Alcoholic in Family Erectile dysfunction

Stealing Weakness reveled

Shame-Related Inferences

Shame-Related Inferences1) I have Fallen short of my Ideal

2) I have let Down my reference Group

3) I have been let Down by a member of my Reference Group

4) Others are Judging me Negatively

What is reference group?• A reference group is a group with whom a person

closely identifies. • A person probably has a number of reference

groups in his life. Example - family, friendship groups, religious group & cultural group.

• Each group has some rules and if person breaks the rules the group would consider that he has let them down.

• The inference that person has let down a reference group may or may not be accurate

Shame-Related Inferences1) I have Fallen short of my Ideal• Broken some Social Code -

Example - Sara BPCA food

• Shame is often experienced when others are physically present -

• Imagines others are physically present - Imagine others have discovered what you did (or did not do)Example - Chembur Client

People who feel ashamed do so because they infer that

a) They have fallen short in their behaviour

b) In what they think or imagine

c) In what they feel

d) In some aspect of their physical self

(Behave - Think - Feel - Physical Body)


a) The Person has fallen short in his behaviour (what person did or what he failed to do) i) Person did something that constitutes a weakness in his eyes - Example - Crying in public, Acting foolishly in public

ii) Person identifies an incident where he broke a social code -

Example - Spoke about taboo topic in front of a group

iii) Person identifies an incident where he failed to live up to his social code

Example - He considers it to be important to treat people politely but failed to treat a waiter with politeness


b) The person focuses on his thoughts and imagesand feel ashamed about.

Examples -• He thinks of harming his child.

• He pictures himself having sex with a member of his own gender when he is not gay.

• He thinks blasphemous(ति�रस्का�र�) thoughts.(Blasphemous - Irreverent or impious words and actions especially against something religious. If you draw Jesus Christ wearing lipstick, Spitting on a cross or call Buddha a fat slob)


c) The person focuses on his emotions and how he expresses them.

Examples -• Feels unhealthily angry towards significant

others or shows anger in a ‘nasty’ way

• Feels maliciously envious towards a friend who is rich and skillful

• Demonstrates unhealthy jealousy in public


d) The person focuses on his body - • The person might feel ashamed of some

aspect of his body that he considers to be particularly unattractive.

Examples – • A nose she considers to be too big

• Buttocks/thighs she considers to be too fat

• Breasts she considers too large or too small

Shame-Related Inferences2) I have let Down my reference Group – When a person feels ashamed about letting down a reference group, then:

a) Person breaks rules of a valued reference group.

b)Person thinks that the group ‘feels’ let down by him.Examples:• Marry out of his religion• Get caught stealing• Display emotion in public

What is reference group?• A reference group is a group with whom a person

closely identifies. • A person probably has a number of reference

groups in his life. Example - family, friendship groups, religious group & cultural group.

• Each group has some rules and if person breaks the rules the group would consider that he has let them down.

• The inference that person has let down a reference group may or may not be accurate

Shame-Related Inferences3) I have been let Down by a member of

my Reference Group - When member of persons reference

group has broken one of the group’s ‘let down’ rules and then thinks that the person has let him and the group down.

Examples -• Married out of the person’s religion.• Got caught stealing.• Displayed emotion in public

Shame-Related Inferences4) Others are Judging me Negatively -• It is difficult for a person to feel ashamed without

making the inference that another person, but more frequently a group of people, judge her negatively.

• Again, whether or not these people are actually making such negative judgements is not as important as whether the person thinks they are.

• The person’s feelings of shame are more likely to be acute if the group judging her negatively is physically present, but such feelings can also be present if person thinks about the group making such negative judgements.

Shame-Related Inferences4) Others are Judging me Negatively – Examples• Others communicate their displeasure at

the person directly.• Others communicate their disgust at the

person directly.• Others turn away from the person in

disgust.• Others demonstrate that they look down

on the person (Buddhist, Muslim)• Others ignore the person.

The Major Shame Based negative Self-Judgments

The Major Shame-Based negative Self-Judgments• ‘I am defective’• ‘I am insignificant’• ‘I am not good enough’• ‘I am weak/pathetic’• ‘I am disgusting’

Difference Between Guilt and Shame

Difference Between Guilt and Shame(Both involve self depreciation but they differ)

Guilt ShameIn Guilt you only tend to depreciate yourself about your own behaviour and standard

You can feel ashamed not only about your own behaviour but also the behaviour of members of social group with whom you closely identify

You will not talk about brining guilt on your family

You may talk about bringing shame on your family but you will not talk about brining guilt on your family

Guilt is about self disapproval

Shame is about others disapproval

Difference Between Guilt and Shame(Both involve self depreciation but they differ)

Guilt ShameI must not have done this, and I am a bad person for having done it.

I failed to achieve a standard I had set for myself in a social context, so I am less of a person.

Self is seen strong -In Guilt, one views self as a powerful person who could have exercised power and not to have done it

Self is seen weak -In Shame, one views self as a weak person and not having achieved a pre-set standard

How to identify

your shame?

To identify your shame related inference ask your self following questions

• What did I feel most ashamed about in the situation I was in?

• When I felt shame

a) What negative thing about me (or others

with whom I identify) was revealed?

b) In what way I think I fell very short of my

ideal?

c) What did I think others thought about me

(or others with whom I identify)?

Use the magic question technique

If you still cannot identify your shame-related inference

Use the magic question technique• Focus on the situation in which you felt

ashamed

• Without changing the situation, ask yourself:

What one thing would eliminate or significantly reduce my shame?

• The opposite is what you’re most ashamed about.

If you still cannot identify your shame-related inference

Use the magic question techniqueHere’s how Rupesh used this technique:• I felt ashamed when I got a lower second

degree.

• If I didn’t think I had significantly underperformed, I wouldn’t have felt ashamed.

• I felt most ashamed about significantly underperforming on my degree

Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference and Examples

Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference1) Shame about Falling short of an Ideal

Rigid Belief:‘I must not fall short of my idealSelf Depreciation Belief:‘. . . and because I have fallen short, I am an inadequate person’

Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference1) Shame about Falling short of an Ideal

Situation: Rajesh’s ideal was to handle matters without showing anger. One day at work he lost his temper in front of his work colleagues.

Rigid Belief:‘I must not lose my temper in public

Self Depreciation Belief:…and because I have lost temper in public, I am an inadequate person.’

Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference2) Shame about Letting down a reference group

Rigid Belief: ‘I must not let my reference group down’Self Depreciation Belief:‘. . . and because I have let them down, I am a shameful person’

Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference2) Shame about Letting down a reference group

Situation: Pratik belongs to a gang whose code of honor is always to support one another no matter what. Let’s suppose further that Pratik breaks that code by failing to support another gang member, thus letting down the gang.

Rigid Belief: I absolutely should not have betrayed my fellow gang member.

Self Depreciation Belief:‘...and because I did, I am a shameful person.’

Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference3) Shame about being let Down by a member of her Reference group

Rigid Belief: ‘A member of my reference group must not let me and the group down’

Self Depreciation Belief:‘. . . and because they have let us down, it proves that we are inadequate’

Irrational beliefs about Shame-Related Inference3) Shame about being let Down by a member of his Reference groupSituation: One of Aditi reference group that she is member considers crying in public to be a ‘let down’. One day, Ritesh, a member of Aditi’s reference group, cried in front of others: she viewed this as Ritesh letting her reference group down. Aditi felt ashamed of Ritesh’s ‘let down’ behaviour

Rigid Belief:‘Ritesh absolutely should not have broken down in tears in front of other peopleSelf Depreciation Belief: ‘……and because he did it proves that we are all (in our reference group) inadequate, weak, spineless individuals.’

Rational and Irrational Beliefs about shame some Examples

Irrational Belief (Shame)

Rational Belief (Disappointment)

Rigid Belief:I absolutely should not have revealed a weakness by crying in front of my boss

Flexible Belief: I wish that I hadn’t revealed a weakness by crying in front of my boss, but there is no reason why I absolutely shouldn’t have done so

Self Depreciation Belief: If I show a weakness to my boss by crying in front of him, then I am a weak, defective person.

Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief:If I cry in front of my boss and thus reveal a weakness to him, this does not make me a weak, defective person. Rather I am a fallible human being who on this occasion acted weakly.



Rigid Belief:I must not stammer in public and if I do this would prove that I am defective

Flexible Belief: I would much prefer it if I did not stammer in public, but there is no reason why I must not do so. If I stammer in public this would only prove that I am a fallible human being with a speech defect. I would not be a defective person

Self Depreciation Belief: If I stammer, people will laugh at me which they must not do. If they laugh at me, this will prove once again that I am defective

Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief:There is no reason why people must not laugh at me if I stammer, although I would much prefer it if they didn’t. But if they do I can once again accept myself as a person with a speech defect. If they think I am a defective person, they are wrong.

Chronic shame based General Rational Belief

How to deal with Chronic Shame

I must ensure that I and people with whom I am closely connected must always achieve the highest of standards and be socially approved and if not it proves that we are defective disgusting or diminished.

I would like to ensure that I and people with whom I am closely connected always achieve the highest standards and be socially approved, but I do not have to do so. If I do not it would be unfortunate, but it would prove that we are not defective, disgusting or diminished. Rather, it would prove that we are fallible human beings and that does not change whether or not we are humiliated and disapproved of.



I must not fall short of my high social standards, and I am defective if I do

I really don’t want to fall very short of my high social standards, but that does not mean that I must not do so. If I do that It would be unfortunate, but it would not prove that I am defective. Rather it proves that I am fallible.

Irrational Belief -Dealing with Shame about Shame (Shame)

Rational Belief -Dealing with shame about shame (Disappointment)

I must not fall from grace by experiencing shame and I am defective for so doing

I would much prefer not to fall from grace by experiencing shame, but that doesn’t mean that I must not have this feeling. If I do, it's unfortunate, but does not prove I am defective. It proves that I am an ordinary, fallible human being capable of experiencing a range of healthy and unhealthy emotions including shame. Shame does not and cannot define me.



I must not fall short of my high social standards and I am defective if I do

I really don’t want to fall very short of my high

I absolutely should not have revealed this weakness and I am a weak person for doing so

I would have much preferred not to have revealed this weakness, but sadly I am not immune from doing so and neither do I have to be so immune. I am not a weak person for revealing this weakness, rather I am a fallible human being who is capable of acting weakly and strongly

Thinking that Stems from Shame-Based Irrational beliefs and Disappointment-Based rational beliefs

Thinking that Stems from Shame-Based Irrational beliefs

Thinking that Stems from Disappointment-Based rational beliefs

You overestimate the negativity of the information revealed.

You see the information revealed in a compassionate self-accepting context



You overestimate the likelihood that the judging group will notice or be interested in the information.

You are realistic about the likelihood that the judging group will notice or be interested in the information revealed.



You overestimate the degree of disapproval you (or your reference group) will receive.

You are realistic about the degree of disapproval you (or your reference group) will receive



You overestimate how long any disapproval will last.

You are realistic about how long any disapproval will last.

Behaviour that Stems from Shame-Based Irrational beliefs and Disappointment-Based rational beliefs

Behaviour that Stems from Shame-Based Irrational beliefs

Behaviour that Stems from Disappointment-Based rational beliefs

• You remove yourself from the “gaze” of others

•You isolate yourself from others

•You save face by attacking other(s) who have “shamed” you

You continue to participate actively in social interaction

Behaviour that Stems from Shame-Based Irrational beliefs

Behaviour that Stems from Disappointment-Based rational beliefs

•You defend your threatened self- esteem in self- defeating ways.

•You ignore attempts by others to restore social equilibrium.

You respond positively to attempts of others to restore social equilibrium.

How to examine the accuracy of your shame related inference?

How to examine the accuracy of your shame related inference?• How valid is my inference that I have fallen

very short of my ideal (for example)?

• Would an objective jury agree that I have fallen very short of my ideal?

If not, what would their verdict be?

• Is my inference that I have fallen very short of my ideal realistic?

If not, what is a more realistic inference?

How to examine the accuracy of your shame related inference?• If I asked someone I could trust to

give me an objective opinion about my inference that I have fallen very short of my ideal, what would that person say to me and why? What inference would he or she encourage me to make instead?

How to examine the accuracy of your shame related inference?• If a friend told me he had made the

same inference about falling very short of his ideal in the same situation, what would I say to him about the validity of his inference and why?

What inference would I encourage him to make instead?

Dealing with Shame by using Imagery

Dealing with Shame using Imagery• Imagine a specific situation in which you felt

ashamed or may feel ashamed wheno Something highly negative has been revealed

about you (or about a group with whom you identify) by yourself or by others;

o You have acted in a way that falls very short of your ideal and/or

o You think others look down on or shun you

(or a group with whom you identify)

Focus on what you felt most ashamed about

(i.e. your 'A’) while rehearsing a specific and

relevant RB. Try to make yourself feel

disappointed but not ashamed.

Dealing with Shame using Imagery• Imagine yourself acting in ways consistent with

your RB, e.g. holding your head up high and dealing with relevant issues with relevant people rather than hiding away from them.

• Recognize that some of your post-belief thinking may be distorted.

Respond without getting bogged down doing so. Accept the presence of any remaining distorted thoughts without engaging with them.

• Repeat these steps until you feel ready to put this sequence into practice in your life.

Dealing with meta emotional problem about shame

Dealing with emotional problem about shame

• Anxious about the prospect of experiencing shame

• Depressed about feeling shame

• Ashamed about feeling shame

• Unhealthily angry with yourself for making yourself feel shame

Deal with meta-shameWhen you feel ashamed about experiencing shame, you

see your original shame as a weakness & hold a set of IBs

Irrational Belief Rational Belief‘I mustn’t have this weakness and because I do, this proves I’m a weak, defective person’

‘I’d prefer not to feel shame as it’s a weakness, but I’m not immune from this feeling, nor do I have to be immune. I’m not a weak, defective person for having this weakness. I’m a fallible, complex, u`nrateable person who has strengths and weaknesses’

Shame Attacking Exercises

Views of the world that render you vulnerable to shame andViews of the world that help you deal with shame

Dealing with ShameViews of the world that render you vulnerable to shame

Views of the world that help you deal with shame

World View -There is always the danger that I will not achieve my ideal standards.Inference -I have not reached my ideal and I am showing a weakness.

There is always this danger, but these standards are there to guide me, not to be achieved all the time

Dealing with ShameViews of the world that render you vulnerable to shame


World View -Social situations are dangerous because I may be exposed at any moment.Inference - If I reveal a weakness, no matter how small, people will easily spot this.

Social situations can be dangerous, but they can also be gentle and kind. If I put a foot wrong, people may judge me negatively, but they may also show me understanding and compassion.

Dealing with Shame

Views of the world that render you vulnerable to shame


World View -Social situations are dangerous because other people will judge me negatively if I put a foot wrong.Inference - If I reveal a weakness, people will judge me negatively.

If I fall short of my ideal or go against a social custom, I am revealing my fallibility and my humanity.

This makes social situations far less dangerous.

View of the world Founded on Shame-based Irrational beliefsWorld view: Inference:

There is always the danger that I will not achieve my ideal standards.

I have not reached my ideal and am showing a weakness.

Social situations are dangerous because I may be exposed at any moment.

If I reveal a weakness, no matter how small, people will easily spot this.

Social situations are dangerous because other people will judge me negatively if I put a foot wrong.

If I reveal a weakness, people will judge me negatively.

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Overcoming Shame

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Transcript of Overcoming Shame