oping with stress and changeMarital separation and divorce can be two

of the most difficult events in an adult's

life. Much stress comes from three

sources:• the daily tasks and responsibilities that

must be reorganized,• the loss of significant relationships and

\,

• and the need to establish a new identity

as an individual.

Restructuring the familyFor most couples with children, a divorce

does not mean the end of a family In-

stead, it means the family must restructure

the way, it handles household chores,

family finances, parer^ting roles, and

relationships with extended family and

friends. This reorganization can create

much stress.Household choresTasks such as cleaning, cooking, andshopping must be managed. Each parent

may have to assume tasks formerly shared

by two adults, a situation that may feel

overwhelming.Family financesFinancial arrangements often must be

reworked, adding considerably more

stress and tension between parents.

Finances may become a leading source of

anger.

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Parenting rolesIf one parent is the main wage earner and

the other the main caretaker, each may

have to cover both roles after a divorce.

Parents must answer various child carequestions: Who will stay home with asick child? Who will leave work early to

take a child to the dentist?Relationships with extended familyand friendsInteraction with extended family and

friends must be reconsidered. Family

members may take sides, disrupting

relationships and removing potentialsources of guidance and comfort.

IOWA STATE UNIVERSITYUniversity ExtensionAmes, iowa

PM-1637 ./January 1996

Losing significantrelationships, ,possessions, and dreanisEveryone needs the .love, security, close-

ness, and belonging that comes fromrelationships with others. Marriage is oneof the most significant relationships. Itsloss causes much of the stress and emo-tional turmoil of divorce.

Not all individuals experience loss withthe same intensity, in the same way, or atthe same time. Some people experienceloss of closeness when they realize therelationship is ending. For others, the

idea of separation can be overwhelming,and they hang onto the hope that therelatioaship can be saved.

Other losses resulting from separationand divorce undermine a person's sens£ ofsecurity and well-being. Although they donot realize it, many people becomeattached to a way of life, a home andpossessions, pets, and daily contact withchildren.

Changing identityv Divorce is a crisis that affects a person's

identity. Individuals no longer occupythe role of husband or wife. At the sametime, they must rethink changes in theirroles as parents, workers, and caretakers.People qften are caught off guard by theneed to reconsider questions such as"Who am I?'* and "What do I want to dowith my life?"

Detecting personalstress symptomsPeople develop patterns of thought,feeling, and behavior that signal stress. Ifyou are not aware of these patterns, you 'might ignore their signals. On the list

below, check the responses you make tostressful situations.Behavioral changes

.Q crying,

Q withdrawal from others,Q aggression, :

Q substance misuse (drugs, alcohol,tobacco, food),

Q agitation,Q exhaustion,Q restlessness,Q disrupted sleep,Q cfther emotional changes,Q sadness, ""* fQ guilt,

Q depression,Q anxiety,Q tension,Q irritability,Q fear,Q fatigue,Q mood swings, and 'Q other.Thoughts and feelingsrelated to stressQ thinking you cannot cope,Q . feeling frightened for an unknown

reason,-\ worrying about everything, large or

small,1 Q feeling afraid that something bad will

happen,Q feeling that you are about to fall apart,Q ""having the same worrisome thought

over and over,Q having a. negative view of yourself,Q having a negative view of the world,Q feeling bored with everything,

Q being unable to concentrate,Q having nightmares;Q feeling helpless,Q feeling hopeless,Q feeling worthless,Q feeling unable to make decisions,

Q feeling confused,Q blaming yourself, andQ other.

Taking qharge of your lifedie way to \e stress is to take charge

* of your life. Here are some suggestions forways you can regain personal control,Relax by• sitting in a quiet place and thinking of. nothing,• listening to music and floating with the

melody, and• tensing and relaxing your muscles.Control your environment by• scheduling activities so you don't have

to rush,• setting priorities and sticking to them,• taking on one task at a time,« taking drugs only when a doctor

prescribes them,• saying no to a request, and• balancing work and playSlow down by• eating slowly,• walking slowly,• talking slowly,• listening until others are finished -

speaking,• starting activities early, and• getting enough rest.Control your anger by• telling someone how you feel before

you lose control,• walking away from a situation until you

cool off, '• doing something physical to work off

pent-up energy,• respecting another person's right to

have a different opinion, and• praising others more than criticizing

them.

Schedule recreation by• going somewhere you enjoy with a

friend or relative,• playing your favorite sport,• working on your favorite hobby, and• engaging in a relaxing activity:Understand yourself by• talking over personal feelings and

concerns with a trusted friend orrelative,

• listing your good points and posting thelist where you and others can see it, and

• building .close relationship^ with peoplewho make you feel important andappreciated.

Remember, if your negative emotionsbegin to interfere with your role as aparent or employee, it may be helpful toseek support from a professional counse-lor or therapist.

Adjusting to divorceAlthough individuals are different, mostadults need two or three years to adapt tothe changes separation and divorce bring.People who also encounter problems suchas job loss or illness during this periodneed additional time for adjustment. Foradults, this involves three basic tasks.

Task 1—Accepting the divorceIndividuals must accept that the marriageis over and establish an identity that isnot tied to their former spouse. For.thisto occur, the individual must be con-vinced that there is no use investingfurther in this relationship.

Former spouses must make peace witheach other. This involves realizing thatcontinued nastiness only creates more

nastiness in return. Often this realizationcreates a more balanced view of therelationship. An individual able to forgive

the former spouse for the marriage's end

is able to appreciate what is good abouttha£ person.1

Individuals also must recognize their partin the breakup. They must stop blamingtheir former spouses and examine hon-estly their own role in the relationship.Such self-examination includes• remembering the reasons for originally

choosing the mate and making neces-sary revisions in expectations for futuremates,

•* accepting individual.contributions tothe destructive patterns of behaviorwithin the marriage*so that thesepatterns are not repeated in futurerelationships, and

• exploring how individual experiences

growing up may play a role in maritalstruggles.

Task 2—Balancing being a singleperson and a single parent

\Indiyiduals must establish sources ofsupport for each of these roles. They needto begin feeling competent as a singleperson and as a single parent.

Task 3—Establishing future-orientedinstead of past-oriented goalsPeople who are adjusting well are ready tomove on. They begin to have new hobbiesor leisure activities, or enter into new

dating relationships. In contrast, thosenot ready to move on may need moretime to mourn the loss of a spouse. These

individuals may not have exhausted their

efforts to rekindle the relationship. Theymay not realize that the relationship isover. :

A final noteDealing with the stress and change from aseparation or divorce is not easy. It helpsto become familiar with your sources ofstress^and your style of coping. Take time

to think about ways that you can take,charge of your life by controlling yourenvironment and your anger with positivecoping skills.

Realize that adjusting to divorce takestime. Be sure to pat yourself oil the backoccasionally as you move forward inreestablishing your life. Baby steps toward

/ adjustment can sometimes be as signifi-cant as giant steps. The important thingis to keep moving forward

Family Life 3

Originally developed as Parenting Apart:Strategies for Effective Co-Parenting by M.Mulroy, R. Sabatelli, C. Mallev, and R.Waldron (1895), University of ConnecticutCooperative Extension. Adapted withpermission for use in Iowa by LesiaOesterreich, ISU Extension family lifespecialist. v

Editor^Jolene McCoy

Issued invfurtherance of Cooperative Extensionwork, Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, incooperation with the U.S. Department of Agricul-ture. Nolan R. Hartwig, interim director, Coopera-tive Extension Service, Iowa State University ofScience and Technology, Ames, Iowa.

. . . and justice for allThe Iowa Cooperative Extension Service'sprograms and policies are consistent withpertinent federal and state laws and regulations onnondiscrimination. Many materials can be madeavailable in alternative formats for ADA clients.

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