ONE UGLY PIE

EPISODE 14 CONTINUES…

Xerxes, “I’m not saying your daughter is ugly, but I think considering my family legacy, she’s a suitable candidate for Jerry. What was her name again.”Nervous, “Twitchy.”Xerxes, “Yea.”

Nervous, “Let’s just get something straight here, buddy. I’m only agreeing to this because I can’t help myself. If it were my way, I’d make sure she’d marry someone she truly cares for. That son of yours better take good care of her. Capeesh?”Xerxes, “No promises. I can’t control a damn thing my son wants to do. If she gets burned, she’ll have to learn to roll with the punches.”Nervous, “I don’t like that. Don’t like it at all.”Xerxes, “I’m not asking you to. Life is life. Learn to deal with it. I’ll never guarentee her life will be perfect.”

Nervous, “I’m trusting her life to your boy, not some god forsaken devil. I know how difficult life can get, believe me. I just don’t want her to face anything that would otherwise torture her. Capeesh?”Xerxes, “And I still can’t promise you anything. So learn to deal with it.”

Twitchy, “How about rock, paper, scissors?”Jerry, “How about no?”Twitchy, “Aw come on. We have to do something together.”Jerry, “Ain’t no way no how.”Twitchy, “But you’re the heir. Are you saying you have some other woman you get to marry and I was brought over here for nothing?”Jerry, “Precisely.”

Twitchy, “Ya know, for someone who’s supposed to be the heir of a family of ugly looking people, you don’t look all that bad. Or scary. You’re kinda cute, come to think of it.”

Jerry, “Me? Cute? Really?”But that’s not possible. Is it? Even so, who am I to just take the word of this random girl who’s supposed to be trying to butter me up in the first place? Jeannie can call me cute all she wants and I know she’ll mean it. But come to think of it, I don’t remember her ever calling me cute. No, she has her own ways of saying that without saying the words. She doesn’t have to say it. I know she means it without it coming out of her mouth.

Jerry, “So what do you think about the ‘cute’ guy mussing up your hair? Like that?”Twitchy, “Hey, what’s this all about. I give you a compliment and you can only think of giving me a noogie? Grow up.”

Jerry, “Grow up? Says the chick who wants to play rock, paper, scissors. Gee, maybe I was grown up for declining that offer earlier.”Twitchy, “There’s nothing childish about this game. I’ve seen grown men make decisions based on who wins.”Jerry, “Oh really?”

Jerry, “What about kicky bag? Too grown-up or childish?”Twitchy, “Don’t be a goof. It’s an ideal game for our age group. I think. I see kids play it all the time in the halls at school.”Jerry, “You sure about that?”Twitchy, “Your snide attitude could use an adjustment.”

Jerry, “Bet you can’t catch a football.”Twitchy, “Bet I can.”

After all that, I decide to give up and do something on my own. Solo-e-mono. Trimming the hedges. Which gave a nice opening for Chuck to step in.Twitchy, “I think we go to the same English class.”Chuck, “Ya think?”Twitchy, “What book are you reading?”Chuck, “We’re supposed to read books? And here I thought it was a class to learn more about the English language.”

Twitchy, “You guys are really building a rocket?”Chuck, “That’s right. And it’s got quite the kick to it at lift off. We’re gonna paint the moon pink!”Twitchy, “Why?”Because Chuck is stupid, that’s why.

Twitchy, “So what’s up with your brother?”Chuck, “He’s a class A dimwit.”Twitchy, “No I mean why is he ignoring me? I was told he has no girlfriend and I’m supposed to be one for him. Yet all he does is try to buzz me off.”Chuck, “Oh that? He’s just shy. Pester him and he’ll come around.”Twitchy, “That will work?”Chuck, “Yea, here watch.”

Nervous, “So, how’s it going Twitchy? Making friends with the lad?”Twitchy, “No exactly. He keeps giving me the cold shoulder.”Nervous. “Well, keep trying. I’m sure he’ll eventually learn that not everyone can escape their fate.”

Nervous, “After all, there are big plans in store for you two.”Tch, oh great. Like we don’t already get the hint. What the hell is up with arranged marriages and legacies? Whatever happened to the adult and romantic ‘follow your heart’ type stuff? Ain’t who I really care for more important than genetic traits?

Chuck, “Look at you.”Jerry, “What is it now?”Chuck, “How can a lucky single guy like you be shrugging off quite the dame over yonder. You two are meant to be.”Jerry, “Don’t tell me you’re in on this too.”Chuck, “Nope, don’t really care. But I do think you missing out on the important thing.”Jerry, “And that is?”Chuck, “Ya know… hutzpuh.”

Jerry, “Hutzpuh? You making up stupid words again.”Chuck, “Alright fine. I’ll use the real word: Woo Freakin Hoo!”Jerry, “Are you serious?”Chuck, “Come on, get with it man. I know you’re heart is akin to mine. We are like two boats in the ocean and…”Jerry, “You are making stuff up again.”Chuck, “So she’s got a messed up face. But look at the va-va-voom of a body.”

Don’t ask how this got moved inside… but it did.Chuck, “All I’m saying is, once I get to the age, I’d be all… Wham bam thank you ma’am! Catch my drift?”Jerry, “Is that why we’re no longer talking about this around the guests?”Chuck, “No. I think we were both racing to see who’d answer the phone first.”Oh that’s right. We did race to answer the phone.

Chuck, “Sir, I’d like to say that if I were the heir, I’d be treating your daughter right now. She’d be all like…”Nervous, “Don’t say another word.”Chuck, “But she would. And don’t you think that’d be true?”Nervous, “It’s not something I’m exactly thrilled to talk about. In fact, I don’t even find this to be remotely appropriate conversation.”Chuck, “And what would be appropriate?”

Nervous, “And I’ll take your little gnome too.”

Ralph, “Yay. It’s a snowin! Or I mean: yay! It snowed!”

Nervous, “Lady, I’d like to have a word with you about your son. He is talking of doing rather un-becoming things with my daughter.”Ratna, “And?”Nervous, “And I’d appreciate it if you told him to shut up.”

Ratna, “Listen here buster, I don’t know who the flipping hell you are, but don’t talk about my kid needing to shut up. I’m sure he’s talking about perfect things in his own way. Maybe you should just filter out what you don’t like through your ears and just leave the property! Catch my drift?”

Ratna, “And who invited you anyway? I know I sure as hell didn’t. Get out of my house or I’ll call the cops. You probably stole something didn’t you? What with your punk hair and those suspicious looking sandals you wear, I wouldn’t hold a… what were we talking about?”

Chuck, “Ooo, my mom is totally chewing out your dad. And speaking of chewing, a thought has been gnawing at my mind: what exactly do you dames got with jewelry?”Twitchy, “What?”Chuck, “I mean, I see these commercials all the time and it’s like, give her a diamond and her heart is yours eternal. Does that really work?”

Twitchy, “Look, this has been all too interesting, but I think you should just stop talking. In fact, I should be trying to talk to your brother. Where is he anyway?”Sleeping. After hearing Chuck’s last resemblance of an idea on appropriate conversation, I decided to take a nap.

Chuck, “How should I know? I’m not his keeper. But are you sure that whole jewelry thing don’t work? Cause I know of a jewelry place in the shopping district and know a few girls.”Twitchy, “Honestly, I’m sure it works on some girls. Probably the kind of girls that are probably your type.”Chuck, “Yea well, I’ve got only one girl on my mind right now.”

Twitchy, “Please tell me it’s not me.”Chuck, “Oh no, not you. It’s someone else.”Twitchy, “Thank the lord. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to powder my nose.”

Abignale, “No Ralph. No hugs from me.”Ralph, “But I want a hug.”Abignale, “And I said no. I’m busy dancing.”

“I can’t believe he tried to hug me just now.”

“I’m sad she didn’t give me a hug.”

Ralph, “So I’ll go steal the gnome back from that pointy faced guy.”

Abignale, “Chuck. Please tell me that girl is not your newest best friend forever.”Chuck, “Nope. Jerry’s.”Abignale, “Why?”Chuck, “Family legacy type business stuff. Things you wouldn’t care about. Ya lazy spare.”Abignale, “Don’t call me lazy. I’ve danced my tail off for the past half hour.”

Chuck, “Sure ya did. And jolly Saint Nick is coming to town.”Abignale, “Just give me the skinny on the girl.”Chuck, “She is Jerry’s main squeeze. Dad set the two up. Gonna be makin some bacon. Babies that is.”Abignale, “Poor girl.”Chuck, “How’s that?”

Abignale, “I know you two. Jerry might not be as outgoing about it as you are, but I know the smell of romancers.”Chuck, “Hey now! I bathe regularly!”Abignale, “Not that. I just know that poor girl might not realize just how much trouble she’s gonna get herself into knowing that Jerry might give into his more lustful side.”

Chuck, “Hey, weakness to the flesh can be a good thing.”Abignale, “Not really. But what do I care? I haven’t even been on a date and it’s driving me bonkers!”Chuck, “You shoulda said hello to that Galvin kid.”Ralph, “Hug please?”Chuck, “Go away. We’re talking adult business here.”

Xerxes, “Don’t you worry about your siblings, Ralphy my boy. Your old man’ll give you a hug.”Ralph, “Thank ya pa.”Xerxes, “Now what are you supposed to do?”Ralph, “I know, I know!”

Ralph, “Do the smustle.”

I stir from my nap and step into the den. There she stands in a bathing suit - A BATHING SUIT! - staring out at the snow. And I have no idea why but I walk up to her and do something I feel I may regret.

Twitchy, “Well, well, well. Where did this come from.”Jerry, “I… I have… no idea.”

Twitchy, “It’s getting late. Good-bye.”

As Twitchy leaves, someone sneak onto the lot.Jeannie, “Gee, I wonder if Jerry will know it was me dropping this off?”

Let’s just say when I saw it and the note attached, I put it at the foot of my bed.

Abignale, “Does she know?”Jerry, “Does who know what?”Abignale, “Does the broad know you are a romancer?”Jerry, “…” What does that matter?Abignale, “I’ll take that silence as a no.”

Jerry, “Why does it matter? Even if I am, I’m still gonna end up married to her. So in the end, the point is moot.”Abignale, “I don’t think so. I think it’s a big selling point to the relationship you’re going to be sharing with her.”Jerry, “How so?”

Abignale, “Lots of things. Like the late nights. The trips downtown. The trips to the family business. Anytime you leave the house to go somewhere, it will matter. Because you are a romancer. And everyone has their suspicions of what exactly a romancer is doing when they go somewhere, anywhere… alone.”Jerry, “And where did all this come from.”Abignale, “I don’t know, just came to mind. Being the pleasure type, I can somewhat relate to you, but it doesn’t matter to me who I date. Maybe I want to date just the same guy.”

Jerry, “…”Abignale, “Cat got your tongue?”Jerry, “No. I just don’t know what to say.”Abignale, “Don’t worry. I’m sure it will come to you. Just be honest with her.”Jerry, “Oh so I’m just gonna say, ‘By the way, I could cheat on you?’ Who is to say I won’t?”Abignale, “I already know about Jeannie.”Jerry, “I give up.”

How do I handle that situation anyway? Be the typical kind of guy that goes out with Jeannie while I’m someplace away from home? Is that how things are destined to be? Or could I do better? Maybe this is all just a test. Or maybe it’s not. Whatever the case may be, I have feelings for Jeannie, but I’m stuck with Twitchy. What do I do? What do I do?!

Chuck, “Yo chopper thing.”

Chuck, “Yo Abignale.”

Chuck, “Yo mom.”Ratna, “Chuck… mommy is very angry right now.”Chuck, “It wasn’t me.”Ratna, “No, of course it wasn’t. Mommy is just angry at the stupid stock market.”

Chuck, “I got three best friends forever. Mind if I hang out with one of them today?”Ratna, “Your old enough to do practically anything you want and you’re asking me to hang out with your friends?”Chuck, “Yup.”Ratna, “Fine. Just don’t do anything stupid.”Chuck, “Sure will. Or won’t.”

Abignale, “How come there’s only leftover gelatin in here? What happened to all the food?”Ratna, “There should be fish in there.”Abignale, “I don’t do fish, mom.”Ratna, “Then Chuck here will have to get some groceries won’t he.”Chuck, “I guess so.”

Chuck, “Dad won’t notice it’s gone.”

Jerry, “Where have you been?”Chuck, “Out and about. Where are you going?”Jerry, “On some stupid date with that Twitchy girl.”Chuck, “Right on. By the way, could you pick up some groceries on your way home?”Jerry, “I guess so.”

The game plan is simple: meet her at the bowling alley, have a quick meal, bowl a few games, and be done with it. Well that and hope I don’t get caught by Jeannie. Though I’m sure she would understand the circumstances once I explained them to her.

Twitchy, “So we’re eating huh?”Jerry, “Yea. After this lady finally gets off the phone.”

“So what will it be?”Twitchy, “I think I’d like to have some of this. Whatever this is that is in my thought bubble.”Jerry, “Whatever the chef wants to make me.”

Jerry, “So what did you order again?”Twitchy, “They look like nachos, but I think it’s Crepes.”Jerry, “Uh huh. That it?”Twitchy, “Yes.”

Twitchy, “So, want to talk about something?”Jerry, “What’s there to talk about?”Twitchy, “I don’t know. Just something.”Jerry, “How about them there football players?”Twitchy, “We don’t own a TV.”Jerry, “So? Don’t you read the newspaper or have a stereo?”

Jerry, “There’s got to be something.”Twitchy, “No. Don’t read the paper or have a stereo.”Jerry, “Then what do you do for fun?”Twitchy, “Play with the family dog, Sloops.”Jerry, “What kind of dog is it?”

Twitchy, “I don’t know. It’s kind of husky looking with a wide face. I don’t know the breed exactly.”Jerry, “Ok, fine, leave it at that.”

Why do I suddenly have a bad feeling?

“Oh how clumsy of me. I’m so dreadfully sorry.”Jerry, “No harm done. Just….” Just make me look like a totally idiot spilling that all over me. Gee, guy can’t you watch where you’re going? And why are you even on this side of the bar anyway?

Jerry, “I can’t believe that just happened. He must have purposely dumped that salad on me.”

Jerry, “Hello? I’m talking to you.”

Twitchy, “Maybe it was an accident.”

An accident, huh? As if.

Jerry, “So why don’t you wear make-up? I thought girls always wore that kind of stuff.”

Twitchy, “I just don’t think I need it. My mom says make-up is for hiding defects and stuff like that and that there is nothing wrong with my face. A guy will like me more for my natural beauty than for some fantasy.”

Jerry, “Ok. Whatever you say.”

Twitchy, “Though I would like to wear a hat. I mean, especially with this snow coming down as it is. It’d be nice to have something to keep my head even warmer when I’m going out.”

Jerry, “Would it be something as bright and loud as your jacket?”Twitchy, “…”Jerry, “What?”Twitchy, “…”Jerry, “What?!”

As we bowl a few games, I can’t help but want to be somewhere else. I’m suddenly overcome with boredom or maybe I just don’t want to be here anymore. She hasn’t said a word since I made that comment a while ago. An opportunity presents itself when she excuses herself to the bathroom.

I take off the second she is out of sight. Probably not the smartest thing to do, but I just don’t feel like hanging out anymore. I’m sure she’ll understand.

When I get home, I realize it’s still snowing. Will it ever stop?

FINBut wait! There’s more!

BonusRalph and Xerxes did a lot of family bonding behind the scenes, so here are some random picks of them playing with each other.