From: tnelson@yotta.comNewsgroups: rec.humorSubject: Canonical List of Old * Never Die, they just ...Reply-To: tnelson@yotta.comDistribution: worldOrganization: top down of courseCanonical Lists of Old * Never Die, they just ...=================================================Revised: 15 January 1996Maintained on: http://www.yotta.com/rechumor-------------------------------------------------------------------------INTRODUCTION------------We all know that no one really dies, they just have something happen tothem in a rather final manner.To find out what will happen to you in a few years, read on.Thanks to Mark Israel for starting this list, and especially for thoseof you who continue to add to it.And, please don't complain that some are really stupid. I know they are.This list is posted the first Tuesday of each month into rec.humor.-------------------------------------------------------------------------PS: If you have any more jokes to add to this list, please send them to me.-------------------------------------------------------------------------THE LIST (224 strong) (C) Tim Nelson---------------------OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balanceOLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deletedOLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a partOLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wastedOLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become historyOLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiverOLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structuresOLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciateOLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another worldOLD ATOMS never die, they just decayOLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interestOLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loanOLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go battyOLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lapOLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribblingOLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz offOLD BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tiresOLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment awayOLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye awayOLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figuresOLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-printOLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutterOLD BRAKES never die, they just grind downOLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesseOLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat acesOLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibusteredOLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste awayOLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal awayOLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidatedOLD CANNERS never die, they are preservedOLD CARS never die, they just get run into the groundOLD CASHIERS never die, they just check outOLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their driveOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganicallyOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to reactOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxesOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just reach equilibriumOLD CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that wayOLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucketOLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decomposeOLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memoryOLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dustOLD COOKS never die, they just get derangedOLD COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing it! - - (c)opyright 1986 AIR COURIERS INTERNATIONAL Vancouver, BCOLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expireOLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled overOLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for sixOLD DANCERS never die, they just step awayOLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouragedOLD DEANS never die, they just lose their facultiesOLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pullOLD DIETERS never die, they just waist awayOLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom timeOLD DIVERS never die, they just flopOLD DIVERS never die, they just get boardOLD DIVERS never die, they just lose their springOLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patienceOLD EDITORS do it with a red penOLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise timesOLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it HzOLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contactOLD ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on...OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearingsOLD ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and WhiteOLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycledOLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feetOLD ESKIMOES never die, they just go coldOLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghostOLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seedOLD FARMERS never die, they just spade awayOLD FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathersOLD FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limpOLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tiredOLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that wayOLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zoneOLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucketOLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine awayOLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their coolOLD FROGS never die, they just croakOLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishesOLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retireOLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just petrifyOLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalizeOLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolateOLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their ballsOLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their driveOLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rezOLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mountOLD HAMS never die, they just get groundedOLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chipsOLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn AirOLD HIKERS never die, they just trail awayOLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that wayOLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goalOLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment awayOLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADEDOLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine itOLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippeOLD IMMORTALS [vampires, whatever] never die, they just...don'tOLD INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign offOLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll overOLD JOKES never die, they just get retold by the youngOLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressedOLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it againOLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch outOLD KIDS never die, they just adulterateOLD KIDS never die, they just grow upOLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coilsOLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherentOLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appealOLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefsOLD LIBRARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal ErrorsOLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check outOLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelvedOLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their referencesOLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink outOLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go underOLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structuresOLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappearOLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float awayOLD MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of itOLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they just change colorOLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they're just fooling themselvesOLD MAIDS count on fingers, but young girls count on legsOLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest termsOLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrateOLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangentOLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functionsOLD MEDIUMS never die, they are just visiting their friendsOLD MERCENARIES never die, they find someone else to take their placeOLD MERCENARIES never die, they just go to hell to regroupOLD METEORS never die, they just burn upOLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their wheyOLD MINISTERS never die -- they just go out to pastorOLD MP's never die, they just attain peerageOLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decomposeOLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played outOLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to barOLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-lineOLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayedOLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hootOLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peacesOLD PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmasOLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus homeOLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developingOLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz offOLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher planeOLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attractionOLD PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle itOLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drainOLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop outOLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zipOLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the typeOLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte itOLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompileOLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with lifeOLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bitsOLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memory OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addressesOLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurseOLD PROPANE TANKS never die, they just run out of gasOLD PROSITUTES never die, they just fake away...OLD PUNTERS never die, they just go horseOLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass awayOLD QUILTERS never die, they just go to piecesOLD QUILTERS never die, they just go under coverOLD RADIOS never die, they just stop receivingOLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derailOLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry upOLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little "DINGHY"OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoiseOLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commissionOLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principalsOLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kiltOLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marblesOLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their visionOLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste awayOLD SHEETROCKERS (dry wallers) never die, they just hang aroundOLD SHOES MAKERS never die, they just lose their soleOLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fastOLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goalOLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kickOLD SOLDIERS never die, they just fade awayOLD SOLDIERS never die, they just smell that wayOLD SOLDIERS never die, young ones doOLD SOURDOUGHS never die, they just ferment awayOLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave inOLD STATISTICIANS never die, they just get broken down by age and sexOLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temperOLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degradedOLD SWIMMERS never die, they just fall off their blocksOLD SWIMMERS never die, they just have a strokeOLD SWIMMERS never die, they just kick-offOLD SYSTEM USERS never die, they just chdir to NULLOLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hidingOLD TAPE DISPENSERS never die, they just get used upOLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their classOLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringingOLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state - - of maximum entropyOLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get puncturedOLD TRASH never dies, they just bury itOLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identitiesOLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new PeterbiltOLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on NickelodeonOLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become patheticOLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down - umpires as in Australian Rules FootballOLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsiveOLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come backOLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answeringOLD WANTS never die, they become needsOLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of timeOLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwindOLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind downOLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign foreverOLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorgedOLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballedOLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their gripOLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel overWALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animationThere is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, - - but their future is doubtful-------------------------------------------------------------------------