Office - Immigration Interrogation

8/8/2019 Office - Immigration Interrogation

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COLD OPEN

FADE IN:

INT. MICHAELS OFFICE - DAY - D1

A HISPANIC TECHNICIAN makes a final adjustment on the phoneas MICHAEL looks on.

TECHNICIANYoure all set.

MICHAELExcelente! Muy bien! So I just pickit up and talk?

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL

I have installed loudspeakers aroundthe building so that I can moreeffectively manage my employees fromwithin my office.

(justifying it)Its a productivity thing.


Michael picks up the phone.

INT. OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS

Michaels voice comes booming from every direction.

MICHAEL(over speaker)

Attention employees. Continueworking!

Michael looks pleased with the result.


MICHAEL

As a manager, my job is to keep all ofmy subordinates concentrating on theirtasks.

(as if forced to admit it)They dont necessarily have the focusthat I do.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY - D1

KEVIN is about to put a bagel into his mouth.


2/37


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DOCTOR(phone over speaker)

How did you get my cell phone number?

MICHAELAhh, you know what? I thought you

gave it to me, but --

DOCTORNo, I didnt give it to you.

MICHAELReally, Im pretty sure you did --

DOCTORMr. Scott, look... Like my office toldyou, Im afraid Im not going to beable to write you a prescriptionunless you actually have a medical

problem.

MICHAELUh huh.

DOCTOR(spelling it out)

So unless you are having problemsstaying erect during sexualintercourse...

As the phone call blares over the speakers in the office, theworkers look around, confusion at first quickly turning into

muffled amusement. DWIGHT realizes what is happening andlooks concerned for his boss, unsure of what to do.

INT. MICHAELS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Unbeknownst to Michael, the camera peeks through an openingin the blinds.

MICHAELWell I havent had any complaints fromthe ladies if thats what youregetting at, but my friend said that

just a little pill before the(hushed)dirty deed

(bad British accent)turns it up to eleven.

Silence.

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4/37

DOCTORIm not prescribing Viagara for yourrecreational use.

INT. OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS

By now everyone is really amused, snickering and looking ateach other.

MICHAEL(over speaker, hushed)

Well I just thought it could takesomething thats already great, andmake it... super great.

Everyone now bursts out laughing, the whole room roars.

INT. MICHAELS OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS

Michael can hear the laughter, gets up, and opens the door tofigure out what all the fuss is about.

MICHAELSorry Doc, can you hold on a sec?

DOCTORSure.

As he says this, he hears himself (and the doctor) over theloudspeakers, and realizes what has happened.

Trying to play it cool, Michael looks in Pams direction.

But not before catching the camera with his eye, realizingthis is all on tape.

MICHAELPam. I...uh...

(exhales air loudly)I am going to need to see thattelephone guy again...as..soon..as..possible.

He looks back at the group and gives a tight, half smile.

MICHAEL (CONTD)(into the phone, over thespeakers -- feedbacksqueals)

Back to work everyone.

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DOCTOR(over speaker)

Hello?

END OF COLD OPEN

5


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ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE - DWIGHTS DESK - D1

Dwight loudly sharpens pencils and, one by one, puts theminto a mug on his desk. Michael approaches.

MICHAELHow goes it Seor Dwight?

(to camera, amused byhimself)

Dwight-o de Sales-o!

DWIGHTVery busy restocking my sellingsupplies, Michael. Much like asamurai without his sword, a good

salesman is nothing without his salestools.

Another pencil grinds into the sharpener. Michael turns andpretends to walk away.

MICHAELAll right, then youre probably toobusy for a mission.

Dwight quickly drops the pencil, and jumps up, walkingbriskly to Michael.

DWIGHT(hushed)

A mission? Im available. Meet me infive minutes in the stairwell.

Before Michael can object, Dwight runs off.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHTAs seen in the film A BeautifulMind, CIA operatives often exchange

information through a complex set ofdrop points and encoded messages. Butbecause time is of the essence,Michael and I are just going to meetin the stairwell.

INT. STAIRWELL - DAY - D1

Dwight stands facing away from the door as it swings open andMichael enters the stairwell.

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MICHAELDwight, can we do this in...

DWIGHTDont face me! Face away, that way wedont look like were together.

Michael looks embarrassed to be doing this in front of thecamera, but knows its worth it to pawn this job off onDwight.

MICHAELOkay, listen. I need you to do someinvestigating.


MICHAELCorporate called and apparently Dunder-

Mifflin got fined for hiring a coupleof

(doing air quotes)undocumented workers. So they wantme to recheck everyone working at theScranton branch.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHTAs an Honorary Volunteer Corporal inCharge of Assisting with All ThingsSecurityhere at Dunder-Mifflin, its

my job to oversee all investigations.Which is fortunate because Im trainedin the art of interrogation.

INT. STAIRWELL - DAY - D1

MICHAELI need you to look into everyonesbackgrounds and make sure that wedont have any Martinezes runningaround here if you know what I mean.

DWIGHTOscars last name is Martinez.

Michael -- busted, and caught off guard -- looks at thecamera for a moment.

MICHAELWell... thats a good place to startthen. Get to work.

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Michael leaves, and the camera finds Dwight in a moment ofself-importance. He takes a deep breath and considers hisfirst move.

INT. OFFICE - PAMS DESK - D1

Jim leans on the counter in front of Pams desk.

JIMChilis or Applebees? Its yourcall.

PAMHow about that new TGI Fridays in themall? I love their Jack DanielsChicken.

JIMOh, me too! The fried one?

ANGLE ON: Dwight behind the coat rack, writing in hisnotepad. Noticing that the camera has found him, he comesout of his hiding spot.

DWIGHTThe chicken will have to wait. Therewill be no lunch today.

(louder)Listen up everyone! We are onlockdown until further notice!

Everyone exchanges skeptical glances.

DWIGHT (CONTD)Take a look to your left.

(no one does)Now your right. One of these peopleMAY be an illegal immigrant, andtherefore unfit for employment here atDunder-Mifflin. Is it you?

Dwight points at the camera, but after a beat, the cameramanturns around to realize that CREED is behind him. Creed

looks up at Dwight and points to himself, Me?JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM(amused)

Illegal immigrant? No, I dont worknearly hard enough to be an illegalimmigrant.

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INT. MICHAELS OFFICE - D1

Michael sits at his desk with TOBY and Dwight standing in thedoorway.

TOBY

Michael, I told you Ive alreadylooked through everyones paperworkand theyre fine. Everyone is legalto work here.

MICHAELSpoken like a man whos got somethingto hide.

Dwight moves in front of Toby, closer to Michael.

DWIGHT(under his breath)

Ill start my investigation with...

Dwight nods awkwardly and obviously toward Toby. ANDY pusheshis way into the office.

ANDYMichael, I couldnt help but overhearthat there was an investigation goingon and I was thinking that as yournumber three--

DWIGHTFour.

ANDYThree, you would want me to headthings up.

DWIGHTFour.

TOBYThere isnt going to be anyinvestigation.

Everyone starts talking over each other. Michael stands up.MICHAEL

Okay, okay, all right! You know what?I have a lot of work to do. I have togo over a lot of things and documentsand whatnot, so I really dont havetime for immature squabbling.

Michael pushes everyone out the door.

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MICHAEL (CONTD)Please just figure this outyourselves.

(just before the door closes)And dont listen to anything that Tobysays.

ANDY TALKING HEAD

ANDYWhen Michael said, work it outamongst yourselves, I think that wasa test. Hes looking for me to stepup to the plate and prove myself.Which means Ill have to find the molebefore Dwight does.

INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D1

Dwight stands at the easel while the last couple of peoplefind their seats.

DWIGHTAll right people, now remember, thefaster we figure this out, the fasterwe all go home.

STANLEYIm going home at five.

DWIGHTIm afraid not. Youll find that all

the doors are locked for the durationof this investigation.

STANLEY(unimpressed as ever)

Theyre fire doors. They open fromthe inside.

The camera ZOOMS IN on Dwights eyes as they shift side toside, calculating this setback.

INT. OFFICE - ANDYS DESK - D1

RACK from everyone in the conference room to Andy, on thephone at his desk.

ANDYHi, Agent McNeil please.

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ANDY TALKING HEAD

ANDYMy Uncle Graham has worked for the IRSfor 27 years. He has access to prettymuch any government database you could

need.

Andy considers whether to reveal this next part.

ANDY (CONTD)(hushed tone)

He used to do background checks ongirls for me before Id date them.Probably saved my life at least once.

(deadpan)Seriously.


Andy looks around making sure no ones missing him from themeeting.

ANDYYeah, Ill e-mail the list over to youright now. Thanks Uncle Graham.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - D1

Dwight stands at the easel.

DWIGHT

Ive broken you into partners forpreliminary interrogations. The listis posted outside the door. Once Iget your initial feedback, Illinvestigate further as warranted.Now, as you begin questioning yoursuspect, keep the following things inmind.

Dwight flips the page on the easel to reveal several tipswritten out.

DWIGHT (CONTD)One, liars look up and to the rightwhen they lie, accessing the right --or creative -- side of the brain. B,a liar will repeat your question backto you. Example: Have you ever beenpart of a plot or supported those whowere part of a plot or organizationdesigned to overthrow the government?

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(MORE)


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(different voice,incredulous)

Have I ever been part of a plot orsupported those who were part of aplot or organization designed tooverthrow the government?

(back to normal)And finally, always watch the hands.The hands kill.

Dwight picks up a stack of papers.

DWIGHT (CONTD)Im passing around a list of initialtopics for interrogation. Questions?

Kevin raises his hand.

KEVIN

(sly grin to the camera)Do we get handcuffs?

DWIGHTAbsolutely not. Handcuffs are nottoys, and as a member of the Dunder-Mifflin security team, I am the onlyone in this room authorized to carrythem.

(pointing)Pam.

PAM

How far are we allowed to go to getthe information we need out of oursuspect?

DWIGHTAs far as necessary.

JIMIs waterboarding authorized?

TOBYTheres not going to be any

waterboarding.DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHTWaterboarding is a controversial CIAinterrogation tactic used to make thesuspect feel as if theyre drowning.Its proven highly effective atgetting people to talk.

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DWIGHT (CONTD)

(MORE)


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(beat)But Toby wont let us use it. Illhave to go to Michael on that one.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - D1

Everyone is gathered around the list to see who their partneris.

DWIGHTAll right people, now once youvefound your assigned partner, I wantyou to break off and begin yourquestioning. Remember, report allleads to me.

Jim and Pam share a bemused look.

JIM

Whos your partner?

PAMAndy. How about you?

JIMIve got Kelly.

PAMOoh, do you think youll be able toget her to talk?

JIM

I feel pretty confident.

INT. OFFICE - JIMS DESK - D1

Jim is checking his email as KELLY asks and answers her ownquestions.

KELLYFollowing my ancestors traditions isreally, really important to me and Ithink that thats obvious if you watchme. Im a pretty traditional girl in

a lot of ways, but not in others. ButI think that if I went back to visitIndia I would probably fit right in.But better dressed.

INT. OFFICE - LUNCH ROOM - D1

Kevin and PHYLLIS sit across from each other. Kevin readsoff of a piece of paper.

13

DWIGHT (CONT'D)


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KEVINWhen and where did you attendelementary school?

PHYLLISWell, I attended Dunmore Elementary

and I guess that would have beenstarting in 1969 --

Kevin makes a snorting sound, trying to suppress a smile.

KEVINYou started in 69?

(to camera)Awesome.

INT. OFFICE - STANLEYS DESK - D1

RYAN fidgets as he tries to ask Stanley questions. In turn,

Stanley continues his crossword puzzle.

RYAN(reading)

Who wrote the national anthem?

Stanley ignores Ryan.

RYAN (CONTD)Um, I think I need you to, I need toapparently, to get your answer tothis.

Stanley finally looks up, annoyed. Ryan looks scared.

RYAN (CONTD)(writing)

You know what, its Francis Scott Key.Im sure you knew that. That was aneasy one anyway.


Pam asks and Andy answers rapidfire questions.

PAMHow many stripes on the US flag?

ANDYEasy, thirteen.

PAMWhen did the Civil War end?

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ANDY1865.

PAMWhich president won with the biggestmargin of victory?

ANDYPopular or electoral?

PAMI dont know, popular.

ANDYNixon.

PAMWho was the 13th President?

ANDYMillard Fillmore.

Pam looks up at Andy, genuinely shocked.

ANDY TALKING HEAD

ANDYI dont want to brag, but I am a bitof a history buff. I was also amathlete during middle school, but UShistory was what I was known for.

(putting on a tight lipped

smile)And they taunted me mercilessly forit. Said it was useless, I was aloser.

(back to camera)Well let me ask you something. How isit possible to be a loser when yourethe Regional Director in Charge ofSales? Hmm, interesting. I dontthink it is.


ANDYBy the way, did you know that the nameThe United States of America wasfirst proposed by Thomas Paine? I betDwight didnt have that written down,did he? Now if youll excuse me, Imexpecting an important work e-mail.

ANGLE ON: Pam looking confused.

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16/37


17/37

ACT TWO


Dwight sits across the table from Stanley. The two stare ateach other silently.

DWIGHTStanley, Im afraid Im going to haveto take your silence as an admissionof guilt.

Stanley is not amused.

DWIGHT (CONTD)Well then, youve been warned.

Dwights cell phone rings.

DWIGHT (CONTD)Excuse me.

(turning away from Stanley)Corporal Schrute, go ahead.

(beat)Yes, thats correct... Yes, I am.

(turning to steal a glance atStanley)

Uh huh. I see.(beat)

Well you can understand, I wasntaware of the situation.

(beat)

Absolutely, consider it taken care of.I hope this wont affect my reputationwith your agency. Were both on thesame side here, and I remain at yourdisposal.

ANGLE ON: Through the conference room window we see Jim andPam at Pams desk sharing the phones earpiece.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM

Did we call Dwight, pretending to beimmigration officials, and tell himthat Stanley was one of our undercoveragents working a years-long case justdays from finally breaking open?

(beat)Yes.

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Dwight flips the phone shut and spins back towards Stanley.

DWIGHTThat was HQ. Stanley -- or, what is

your name anyway?

STANLEY(impatient)

Still Stanley.

DWIGHTRight, no reason to break cover now.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHTMany undercover agents working long

term assignments get so wrapped up intheir roles that they dont know wheretheir assignment ends and realitybegins.


Stanley looks at Dwight, half confused, half pissed-off.

DWIGHTIm a little late to the game, but Imin the loop now. You let me knowwhatever youd like, and Ill get it

done. Name it.

STANLEYId like to go back to my desk.

DWIGHTRight of course. But were gonna haveto make it look like Im interrogatingyou so the others dont getsuspicious. Just follow my lead.

Stanley gets up and starts to leave. Dwight yells after him

so that the entire office can hear.DWIGHT (CONTD)

Stanley, Im not through investigatingyou, thats for sure! A LOT of a redflags in your file. Im keeping myeye on you.

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Stanley turns to look at Dwight in disbelief, and Dwightthrows him a subtle, knowing look, quickly flipping back intohis role. He takes two fingers, points to his eyes, thenStanley, mouthing Ill be watching you.


Andys phone rings.

ANDYAndy Bernard.

(beat)Uncle Graham, whats the word?

(beat)Uh huh.... Really... I knew it...

(beat)How long will it take to verify?

INT. MICHAELS OFFICE - D1

Andy knocks on the doorway and steps into Michaels office.

ANDYPermission to come aboard!

While Andy annoys him, Michael cant resist a setup.

MICHAELThats what she said!

ANDY

(laughing)Shes like, permission to comeaboard! Thats a good one.

Michael feigns modesty with an embarrassed look to thecamera.

ANDY (CONTD)(quickly changing gears)

So, hey about this investigation.Dwights in charge of that, huh?

MICHAEL(quietly, avoiding eyecontact, doesnt like wherethis is going)

Yep.

ANDYYeah, thats funny because Im notsure hes really doing that great of ajob with it.

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MICHAEL(making himself busy on hiscomputer)

Dwight has the full confidence of bothmyself and the company in this matter.

ANDYYeah, huh.(thinks about it)

Well I guess that makes sense.(turning to leave)

To be honest, I just cant help butlook at the investigation and thinkMichael wouldve solved this thing bynow if he were doing it.

The camera RACKS from Andys hopeful face to Michael at hisdesk, tempted by the challenge.

INT. OFFICE - D1

As Andy leaves Michaels office, Dwight pops his head out ofthe conference room.

DWIGHTBernard, Andrew. Step in please.


Dwight is already seated as Andy takes his place at thetable. Dwight looks at his notepad, then stares at Andy, whoreturns the stare. Like a duel, the two exchange looks,

until Dwight quick draws his first question.

DWIGHT(choppy accent)

Pueden entender que yo hablo?

ANDYI think you mean, Puedes entender loque yo estoy diciendo?

DWIGHTAh hah!

(muttering what hes writing)Pretty good at Spanish.(accusatory)

Very interesting for a supposed UScitizen.

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ANDY TALKING HEAD

ANDYI also got a 5 on my Spanish APexam. Voted most likey tener xito.


ANDYTu eres muy gordo y estpido.

Dwight gives a half laugh, trying to act like he doesntcare, and looks down at his notepad. After a moment he looksback at Andy.

DWIGHTWhat did you just say?

ANDY

Nothing.

DWIGHTNo, you just said something there inSpanish.

ANDYQue tu eres el numero cuatro, y yosoy el numero tres?

DWIGHTWhat, what was that? What did youjust call me?

Dwight rushes to the door, opens it, and yells out.

DWIGHT (CONTD)Oscar! Report to the conference roomimmediately for translation detail!

Andy sits back, enjoying this immensely.

ANDYOscar no te puede ahora ayudar!

DWIGHTWhat did you just say there?

ANDYTu madre es muy gorda.

DWIGHTWhat did you just say about my mother?Nobody brings shame to Mother Schrute!

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Dwight is near panic, turning back towards OSCARs desk. Heends up yelling right in Michaels face, who is now standingin the doorway.

DWIGHT (CONTD)Oscar!

(face to face with Michael)Oh, hello Michael. I was justcontinuing the investigation.

(to Oscar)Carry on Oscar.

(to Andy)Meeting postponed.

MICHAELDwight, what is happening in here?

DWIGHTWhatever it takes to get them to talk.

Im narrowing in on some suspects.

MICHAELYou know what Dwight? I think Imgoing to have to take this one over.

DWIGHT(looking at Andy, hushedtone)

Michael, that wont be necessary.

MICHAELDwight...

Michael sticks his hand out and looks at Dwights notepad.Dwight looks down, and with some reservation, turns it overto Michael, like a cop turning in his badge and gun.

Dwight sneaks another look at Andy, who now has a smug lookon his face.

Dwight lets out a deflated sigh and walks out of the room.


MICHAELDoes it hurt me? Sure. But a greatleader isnt afraid to make harddecisions. Like Alexander the Great.

(trying to think of otherexamples)

Or Catherine...the Great.

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Pam looks up as Jim approaches her desk.

PAMDid you survive your interrogation?

JIMJack Bauer would be proud. You?

PAM(nodding toward theconference room)

Im waiting to be summoned.

JIM(looking at a piece of paperin front of Pam)

Whats this?

PAMOh this? Ah, MASH. A little blastfrom the past.

JIMWhats that?

PAMYou dont know MASH?

JIMNo.

PAMIts only the game that every kid inAmerica played growing up.

JIMAh, well in that case, dont tellDwight. I might get red flagged. Sohow do you play?

Pam hesitates, unsure if this will make her look silly infront of Jim.

PAMOkay, well do one for you. Get ablank piece of paper. First you haveto choose five girls youd want tomarry.

JIMOkay, so just name five girls?

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PAMYeah.

JIMAnd it should be celebrities or peopleI know, or...

PAMAnyone.

JIMAlright, well lets start withPhyllis. I cant keep my eyes off ofher.

Pam and Jim laugh as the camera finds Phyllis shoving amuffin into her mouth.

JIM (CONTD)

Lets see. Kelly. Never an awkwardsilence around the house. Which is aplus.

PAM(writing)

Good call.

JIMAnd dont forget Angela. Theressomething about a woman who knows howto take charge.

PAMTwo more.

JIMWell, how about Meredith. She couldteach me about fine wines. All winesreally.

PAMOkay last one.

JIM

Well, weve gotta put you on thatlist. Dont think youre getting offthat easily.

Pam hesitates and tries to play it cool as she writes herselfin.

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PAM(pretending to be sarcastic)

Oh boy, youve got a lot of greatchoices in here. Wow.

Michael exits his office and claps his hands to get peoples

attention.

MICHAELAll right everyone! I need everyonesattention!

JIMOkay, well finish this later, right?

PAMOf course. Its against the code toleave a game of MASH unfinished.

They both smile.

INT. OFFICE - D1

Everyone is gathered around to hear Michael speak.

MICHAELOkay people, Im going to need toquestion a few of you in theconference room.

Michael tries to appear random in his choices.

MICHAEL (CONTD)Lets see here... How about... Kelly.Umm... Stanley.

DWIGHT(hushed)

No, Michael, not Stanley.

MICHAELDwight, I think youve proven that youdont know how to run thisinvestigation. Lets see...

DWIGHT(hushed, but louder)

Michael, I cant tell you why. Butnot Stanley. Youre making a hugemistake.

MICHAELOkay. Kelly, Stanley and... letssee, oh how about...

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The camera is already on Oscar, and the look on his face sayshe already knows whats coming.

MICHAEL (CONTD)Oscar.

Oscar rolls his eyes.

MICHAEL (CONTD)All right you three! In theconference room. America wasnt builton laziness! Chop chop! This is howwe do it here!

The three reluctantly file into the conference room.

STANLEY TALKING HEAD

STANLEY

Why do I go along with it? BecauseIm writing all of this down, and itsgoing to make my settlement that muchbigger.


Pam stands at the white board, keeping score.

MICHAELFirst of all, thank you to Pam for theuse of her Cosmo Pop Music Pop Quiz.

Michael hands Oscar, Kelly, and Stanley a dry erase markereach.

MICHAEL (CONTD)These are your answering devices. Youhold it like this, like a buzzer. Andwhen you know the answer, make abuzzing in sound, like on Jeopardy.


MICHAEL

The whole world knows Americanhistory. That doesnt prove anythingabout being here legally. But only areal red blooded American knows aboutwhats happening now, in pop culture,in this country. Live in the now!as they say. As we say.

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Michael reads from a Cosmo and looks at the threecontestants lined up a la Jeopardy.

MICHAEL

Okay, this show features wanna be popstars as they perform and getevaluated by three judges --

KELLYAmerican Idol!

MICHAELOkay, right but you have to buzz infirst.

KELLYI did, I hit my marker.

MICHAELBut you need to make the sound. Youknow, like on Jeopardy. Brrrrrip!

STANLEYThere is no buzz in sound on Jeopardy.

MICHAELWell there should be.

(reading)Follow-up, this American Idol winnercroons tunes such as Flying Without

Wings and I Need An Angel.

KELLYBrrrrrrip! Ruben Studdard!

Kelly starts clapping for herself.

MICHAELHold on! You have to phrase it as aquestion.

KELLY

What do you mean?OSCAR

Like, Who is Ruben Studdard.

MICHAELOscar is on the board!

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OSCAR TALKING HEAD

OSCAR(genuinely asking)

Who is Ruben Studdard?

Oscar looks at someone off camera for help.


MICHAELThis Latin heartthrob -- Oscar, thisones for you -- wooed ladies with hisromantic hit I Can Be Your Hero

(quickly answers himself)Brrrrrip! Who is Ricky Martin!

(proudly)I didnt look at the answer by theway. That was just to show you how

its done.

OSCARMichael, that was Enrique Iglesias.

MICHAELNope, Ricky Martin.

OSCARNo it wasnt Michael.

MICHAELI...

(quick cover)my friend had the CD. Pretty sure Iknow what Im talking about on thisone.

Oscar just shakes his head.


MICHAELI think the quiz went well. Iwouldnt say Ive narrowed it down to

one suspect per se, but I would sayIm pretty confident Ive got itnarrowed down to three.

SHOT of Oscar, Kelly, and Stanley still sitting in theconference room.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)(looking around, leans in,hushed tone)

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And youre not going to believe this,but our innocent little Pam apparentlybought some sort of special sex issueof Cosmo because I also stumbledacross this:

(holding up the magazine)

Revealed for the First Time: 15 SexSecrets That Will Drive Him Wild inBed!

(eyes wide open)Pam, you are so busted!

END OF ACT TWO

29

MICHAEL (CONT'D)


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ACT THREE


Jim looks over Pams shoulder as she counts and crossesthings off one by one.

PAMOne, two, three, four. Okay, youregonna live in a mansion.

JIMTotally sweet. I like this game.

PAMOne, two, three, four. Ooh, sorry.No Ferrari.

JIM

Thats okay, the insurance on thosethings...

PAMOne, two, three, four. And noPhyllis.

JIMReally? I take it back, I dont likethis game.

ANGLE ON: Pam crosses out Phyllis, which leaves only onename: Pam. She doesnt mention it to Jim, and continues on.

PAM1, 2, 3, 4...

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAMDo I believe that a grade school gamecould actually predict my futurehusband? No.

But Pams look says that she hopes it can.


Stanley is making a selection from the vending machine.Dwight approaches him, but stands facing away, talkingquietly so that Jim and Pam cant hear.

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DWIGHTStanley. Now that I have been briefedon your mission, I think we can helpeach other. As you may have heard, Ihave been temporarily, and erroneouslyI might add, removed from the

investigation. However I believe thatif we work together on this, we canboth benefit and get this case closed.

STANLEYThe only investigation Ill be doingis why I put 50 cents into thismachine and my Baby Ruth isnt comingout.

DWIGHT(not fazed)

I understand your reluctance. Just

think about it and get back to me.

Dwight quickly walks away before Stanley can say no again.The camera pans over to Jim and Pams table, and their facesshow that, despite Dwights attempt at discretion, they heardevery bit of what he said.

INT. OFFICE - DWIGHTS DESK - D1

Dwight sits, typing at his desk. Pam walks up, and places afolded up note on his desk.

DWIGHT

Whats this?

PAMUm, Stanley wanted me to give this toyou. He didnt say what its about.

Pam walks away, and Dwight looks at the paper. He looksaround, then quickly unfolds it. The camera catches ahandwritten note:

THEYRE ONTO ME. KEY EVIDENCE IN DUMPSTER OUT BACK. YOULLKNOW IT WHEN YOU SEE IT. YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU. DESTROY

THIS NOTE.Dwight crumples up the paper, and then looks at Stanley, whosits at his desk, oblivious to it all. In a quick and daringmove, Dwight proceeds to chew and swallow the paper, albeitwith some difficulty.

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INT/EXT. OFFICE - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

From a window above, we see Dwight outside, standing in thedumpster, tearing through shredded paper. Every once in awhile, he shoots up and looks around, careful to make sure heisnt being watched. The camera PANS to Jim and Pam who are

watching this through the window.

JIMToo far?

PAM(with a smile)

Ill let you know.

INT. OFFICE - DAY - D1

Dwight, disheveled, dejected and smelling like garbage, walksthrough the front door. He passes Stanley on the way to

Michaels office.

DWIGHT(without stopping)

Im sorry, I guess I just dont havewhat it takes.

Stanley recoils from the smell, giving Dwight a what iswrong with you? look.


Without stopping, Dwight shuffles into Michaels office. He

pushes his handcuffs and a plastic security badge acrossMichaels desk.

DWIGHTIm sorry Michael. Ive failed thecompany, my country, and worst ofall... you.

Michael looks confused.

MICHAELOk, and this is regarding...?

DWIGHTIm afraid thats classified.

Before Michael can continue, Andy pops his head in withoutknocking.

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ANDYAttention Regional Managers and juniorinvestigators: Can I get five minuteswith everyone in the conference room?I have something that I think both ofyou need to hear.


Everyone is gathered in the conference room, alreadyskeptical of being summoned by Andy. The chatter quiets asAndy begins.

ANDYTheres no easy way to say this, soIll just come out with it. Folks,Dwight has been hiding a deep, darksecret. The fact is, Dwight is...

(he pauses for effect)

Canadian.

Dwights defiant look refutes the allegation.

DWIGHTNot true.

ANDY(accusing)

Thats right. All along, it lookslike weve been working alongside anillegal alien,

(right at Dwight)eh?

(back to group)Thats the danger of Canadians; theylook just like us.

DWIGHTNo. Thats not true. Mother workedin the fields til the day her waterbroke, gave birth to me, and then wentright back to work. She tells me thestory every year for my birthday.

ANDY(holding up paper)Sorry, Dwight. It looks like Motherlied.

Dwight walks over to Andy and grabs the paper out of hishand, reading it.

DWIGHTI dont feel Canadian.

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Determined to put an end to the nonsense, Toby steps forwardout of the crowd.

TOBY(rolls his eyes)

Thats because youre not Canadian,

Dwight. Yes, you were technicallyborn on the Canadian side of theborder at Niagara Falls, but you werestill granted US citizenship and areperfectly legal to work here.

(to Michael and Andy)I tried to tell you that we alreadylooked into all of this, but nobodyever listens to HR.

Michael sees his opportunity to regain control of thesituation and make Toby look stupid all at once.

MICHAELOf course, he was granted babycitizenship, but was he ever grantedadult citizenship? That is what isbeing looked at here, Toby.

Andy grabs onto the opportunity to save face.

ANDYExactly my point. Adult citizenship.Which Im pretty sure I said.

TOBY

Michael, there is no baby citizenship.And there are no illegal immigrants atthe Scranton branch. Everyone is okayto work here.

Michael gives Toby a maybe, maybe not look. Dwight givesan angry look at Andy, who isnt sure what his next move is.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD/INT. OFFICE - D1

MICHAELWere mistakes made? Sure. Andy, I

think made some assumptions. And Ithink we all know what happens when weassume.

Andy walks dejectedly out of the conference room as themeeting breaks up.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)It makes an ass of Andy. And Tobysnot without fault here.

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We see Toby talking to Dwight.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)Obviously there was a communicationbreakdown on his end. But -- half adozen of one...

(no idea how the saying goes,or what it means for thatmatter)

you know? Were professionals, andwell get back to it tomorrow.

(beat)Well tomorrows Saturday, so Monday.

END OF ACT THREE

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ACT FOUR


Dwight has the Canadian national anthem playing out of histinny computer speakers. He stands facing a Canadian flag on

his desk with his hand over his heart.

DWIGHT(singing)

Oh Canada, our home and native land...

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHTDid you know that Canada has moreblack bears than any other country inthe world? FACT: Attacks on humans,although extremely rare, are often

predatory. This makes feigning deathwhen a black bear attacks ineffective.


DWIGHT(singing)

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,The True North strong and free!

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT

Plus, Vancouver, Canada is tied withZurich, Switzerland for the highestquality of life of any city in theworld. Which I think says something.

Theres a beat as Dwight seems to consider what thatsomething is, but then, pleased with himself, he nods.


DWIGHT

(singing)God keep our land, glorious and free!

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHTI hear its also really cold there.And the Schrutes are well known foreasily adapting to cold temperatures,which makes a lot sense now.

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The grand finale.

DWIGHT(singing)

Oh Canada, we stand on guard...for...THEE!!!

As if it were business as usual, Dwight closes the song withone click, and returns to his work without saying anything -normal office clatter continues on in the background.

END OF SHOW

Office - Immigration Interrogation

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